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Estoy intentando volver a escribir en español, pero está por encima de mi, este es el idioma que me dio mi madre, que me inculcó mi padre, con el que hablaba con mi amiga de la infancia, este idioma sostiene en sus morfemas demasiados sentimientos de los que, precisamente, quiero huir escribiendo.

Cuando escribo en inglés mis palabras fluyen con delicadeza y elegancia, escribo sobre otra, puedo ser otra. Cuando escribo en español soy yo, es este calvario que llevo conmigo el que habla; mis oraciones son ahora violentas, iracundas, es lo que soy, es lo que llevo dentro. Estoy hablando desde mis entrañas llenas de sangre y ácido, no soy quien quiero ser, soy lo que he sufrido y no puedo enmascararlo, no puedo embellecerlo, esta roto, esta podrido, sacame de aquí, porfavor llevame a un lugar que no tenga que ver conmigo, quiero ser extranjera de mi corazón, quiero ser ajena a estas cicatrices, estoy harta de ser el único testigo del crimen que se comente cada vez que mi corazón late, mis ojos parpadean o mis pulmones se hinchan de oxígeno, llevame lejos y hazme otra, no vuelvas a poner esta lengua trás mis labios, reniego de ella, no ha hecho más que magullarme el paladar y afilarme los dientes.

#chaotic thoughts #spilling thoughts #unhinged #poesía #poesia en español #poesia en prosa #craving #delulu #generational trauma #lengua materna #language

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I hate my best friend, we have a really complicated relationship. I have always felt like if I was trying to reach her but never getting to her, don't get me wrong, I love her and I truly think she loves me too, but we are eachother's constant reminder of the past, we have been together through a lot, but that's why I love her, she is the only person in this world who has known me, she was there when I was 3,4,5,6 years old... and counting, no one will ever be at my 8th birthday party in which my preschool teacher gifted me a pallette for my paintings, no one will ever cry along with my 11 years old self because they don't want to split apart in high school. She is the only thing I preserve from my childhood, and now that my childhood is gone I cannot bare to lose her too, but she has grown up, she doesn't want me anymore and I am condemned to be her childhood plushy that she can't bring her self to throw away because of all of the memories that it holds but, at the same time and for the same reason, she cannot bare to look at.

Please, I know we do not have any future ahead of us and that the only thing we are to eachother are memories and past but please, before putting me away hold me like you did when I failed my first exam, or lose that toy or had my first break up, with that unconditional love of yours.

#best friends #chaotic thoughts #spilling thoughts #delulu #craving #unhinged #devotional #childhood #coming of age #memories #we were girls together #unconditional friendship

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I couldn't find the old post I had on this so I could reblog so here's a new reminder of the Internet Archive account I use to list poetry collections and poetry-related nonfiction available on the Internet Archive for free.

I favorited another bunch of poetry collections today.

There are 3,559 books listed as of this morning.

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Chelsea Dingman, from "Psychogeography"

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White dwarf's chant.

I could have been your star, I was brilliant, the brightest, I just did it too soon, I burned out too soon, I was so young, now I have not a single sparkle left in me, I have nothing to offer to you but I swear I had everything. Now I'm just dead, cold and dead, you don't even known me. I could have been your sun and now I'm nothing. All I ever was was potential.

#chaotic thoughts #delulu #spilling thoughts #unhinged #craving #cosmic entity #devotional #spilled poetry #poetry #space #shooting star #endless #cosmic

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To get up in the morning, wash and then wait for some unforeseen variety of dread or depression.

E. M. Cioran, The Trouble With Being Born, tr. Richard Howard

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I have always wanted my death to be a catastrophe, I want it to be studied, like those of brilliant artists who die too young. But I don't have the guts for it, I don't have what it takes to be brilliant. My death will be as insignificant as my life and that terrifies me, I can't even kill myself anymore, I'm not good enough to leave now, I have to do something memorable first, but I'm too exhausted, I waited too long. I should have done it before I became irrelevant, what's the point of losing my life if the world is not going to lose anything? So now I'm stuck in this limbo, too irrelevant to die, too "death hungry" to become relevant.

#delulu #chaotic thoughts #spilling thoughts #unhinged #craving #mental illness #actually mentally ill #mentally tired #im exhausted #actually psychotic #Youtube

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sorry for almost throwing up from crying in my old church’s parking lot, that wasn’t very “growing up religious didn’t affect me much” of me

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The seasonal Christmas depression got me so bad it has me praying on my knees at the foot of my childhood bedroom bed, while holding the crucifix I got at 9.

#chaotic thoughts #delulu #spilling thoughts #unhinged #biblically accurate #craving #godlike #bible devotions #devotional #chilhood #childhood bedroom #religious trauma #crucifix #seasonal depressive disorder #christmas

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l am hungry I have been hungry I was born hungry What do I need?

Mitski

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#chaotic thoughts #romantic cannibalism #spilling thoughts #unhinged #craving #godlike #bible devotions #delulu #religious trauma #cannibalposting #pomegranate #spilled poetry #metaphor #purity culture #rottencore #reek of putrefaction

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Life is the man’s seek for a God that has never answered. It is his belief that it will be different for him, a belief that he shares with the ones that failed before him.

Death comes in two forms then, either the man, consumed by the fear to the nothingness, creates its own personal godlike entity; or he becomes exhausted of his own search, resulting in the denial of the belief itself.

There is, however, another possible outcome, in which the man accepts himself to be the devotee of his own search for God, and by extension, he becomes his own God. Being his own God and believer turns him inmortal consequently.

#chaotic thoughts #spilling thoughts #delulu #unhinged #spilled poetry #schizoposting #finding god before god finds me #godlike #biblically accurate #bible devotions #craving #yearning #devotional #cosmic entity #Spotify #philosophy

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#craving #delulu #spilling thoughts #unhinged #chaotic thoughts #softness #bunny #bunny post #purity culture