kit-kat-vents

[kit-kat-vents]

I'm Kit

When you're not out to your family it feels like you're an actor playing a character.

In my case I'm playing the part of a happy cis heterosexual female.

That's not who I am. The name most people call me by reflects that.

Who am I behind this character I'm forced to play?

I'm Kit, the non-binary pansexual person who has severe depression and anxiety.

Kit, the one who is doing something with their life that terrifies them but they know it's gonna help them succeed in life.

Kit, the one who has never kissed anyone that isn't a cis heterosexual male but they know they only do that because girls make them nervous and there's barely anyone trans in the area they live in.

Kit, the one who can't sleep ever because they have so many things running through their head every single night.

Kit, the one who can admit they're too afraid to be themself because it may ruin their relationship with their mom whom they love more than anything.

Kit, the one who couldn't sleep until they wrote this because they had to get it out of their head so they could try to get some fucking sleep for once.

I'm Kit, the actor playing a happy cis heterosexual female.

I may be playing this role but I'm still true to who I really am.

I may not be able to tell everyone who I really am yet but I will someday.

For now I'll smile and play the role until I'm ready and that's all that matters to me.

#nonbinary #panseuxal #vent #I'm me #lgbtq #lgbtq community #lgbtq pride

[kit-kat-vents]

#vent #vent edit #throw me into traffic #done with life

[kit-kat-vents]

If I died today, would anyone really care? If I took this beautiful silver object to my wrists and let the crimson streams flow, would anyone try to stop them? If I jumped off a bridge into the freezing waters below, would anyone come save me? If I took a shotgun to my jaw, would try to keep me from pulling the trigger? If I tied a noose around my neck and hung myself, would anyone cut me down? If I laid on the train tracks whilst a train came barreling towards me, would anyone try to pull me away in time? If I fell off a cliff, would anyone try to catch me before I plumited to the ground? If I stepped into a hungry tigers den, would anyone shoot the tiger to save me?

If I died today, would anyone really care?

#depression #vent #depression poem #vent poem #trigger warning

[kit-kat-vents]

I'm in pain

My grandma passed away at 9:05pm yesterday. When I got to the hospital that morning she was alert and breathing okay but then she started to not breathe at all on her own. I went to help my brother in law while my sister stayed at the hospital. I wasn't there when she died. I feel awful. I messaged my ex because I needed to tell someone other than my best friend. I hate myself for all of this. At least she knew that I love her

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I regret everything

9 months. He and I dated for 9 fucking months. I told him everything about me. He and I shared very intimate moments together and he chose to break it off because he "couldn't handle me" wtf kind of bullshit reason is that? He chose to get into a relationship with me. He chose to accept me for who I am. I told him he would regret it. Looks like I was right. I shouldn't have opened up. I should have stayed closed off to the world. The thing is, I'm not sad. I'm not angry either. I'm just numb. I didn't cry. I didn't beg him to stay. In fact I think I pushed him away more. I just wish I wasn't the I am. I wish I didn't have do many mental problems. I wish I wasn't such a shitty person. I wish I could be accepted fully. The more I think about it the more I wish I didn't push him away. I wish my eyes weren't stinging with tears right now. I wish my heart didn't hurt right now. I wish I really was numb. I wish I didn't say the things I did. I wish I could fix things. But the thing is, my wishes will never come true.

[kit-kat-vents]

He

He could barely hold on to what was left if his heart.

The constant reminders of what he once loved bleed him dry.

He felt hands made of ice grasp at his throat everytime he let out the slightest whimper.

Echos of hateful words pierce his mind like a gunshot ringing in his ears.

He breathes in smoke hoping that will kill him before his own thoughts do.

Does he realize how much he matters or does he just not care anymore?

Bad things happen to those who don't know just how great they truely are.

[kit-kat-vents]

What I Once Used

These hands I once used for protection now pull further under the water. This knife I once used to use to carve our names into trees now creates rivers of crimson across my body. This lighter I once used to light candles that smelled like the sea now creates perfect smiles on my skin. This smile I once used to convey the joy I felt now hides the cries of help that is desperately needed. Things that once brought happiness now bring nothing but sorrow.

#vent #poem #angst

[kit-kat-vents]

Razor Blades

Sharp edge Deadly points Tempting shine Long slits Dots of blood Crimson tears So cold Black spots Bright light Help me Suffocating darkness Good bye

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Ignorance

I never realized how ignorant people could be until today. I just had a guy ask if I like sports just because I'm having a more "male" day... Uhm what? Excuse me? Like I could not comprehend that level of sexism because I don't have to deal with it at that level normally. I'm honestly flabbergasted and I don't use that word much but like it fits. Just because I feel more male today does not mean I like sports! No matter what gender I'm feeling that day I hate sports! I personally think sports suck. I don't have the right physique nor the right lungs for sports and also sports bore me but still what the fuck. Just because someone is a specific gender does not mean they like stereotypical things of that gender! Like you can be a guy and love makeup, you can be a girl and love sports, you can be non-binary or agender you can like both or you can like that either just because you identify something does not mean that you have to follow the stereotypes! What you identify as does not determine what your personality or your likes and dislikes are! The ignorance of some people still astounds me to this day! We are almost in 2018 and people are still so fucking ignorant and stupid and sexist and it just bothers me so much. STOP 👏 STEREOTYPING 👏 PEOPLE 👏 BASED 👏 ON 👏 THEIR 👏 GENDER 👏 IDENTITY!!!!

[kit-kat-vents]

Leave Me Alone

Shaking hands Flowing tears Staggered breaths Don’t talk to me Don’t look at me Don’t threaten me What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to make you hurt me? What did I ever do to you? Are you jealous? Are you taking your frustrations out on me? Are you angry? I don’t need this shit I don’t need to be looked down upon I don’t need to get yelled at by you I can’t see straight My ears are ringing My chest hurts Scratchy throat Stinging eyes Dry mouth Why aren’t you listening to me? Why are you hurting me likes this? Why won’t you stop yelling at me? Go away I don’t fucking need this LEAVE ME ALONE

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Stop

Stop yelling at me. Stop telling me what to do. Stop treating me like a child. Leave me alone. Go away. I can’t handle this. I need help. Why won’t you help? Please help me. Do you hear that? Ripping skin. What a pretty red. Red drops running down. Stinging pain. Will you help me now? Why is it so dark? I’m so cold. Why won’t you help me? I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. Why didn’t you help me?

[kit-kat-vents]

Disrespectful People

I'm so sick of disrespectful people. They expect everyone to bend over backwards for them and yet they don't do shit in return. They make me wanna to my hair out.

[kit-kat-vents]

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BEAN WITH ME

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I'm Trying Really Hard

I came to a really boring party with my bf only for him to completely ignore me and not care when I'm upset. I'm currently crying under a blanket because if I get to to leave he'll question me. He literally doesn't care because if he did he would see if I was okay. I don't even wanna touch him right now. I wanna die

[kit-kat-vents]

I Have An Eating Disorder

It feels great to admit it. I have actually been struggling with eating disorders for years now. I’ve gone from having anorexia to binge eating and now back to anorexia. I had a four-year gap between the first case of anorexia and the binge eating and I was so proud of myself because I was finally healthy. Then I went through two breakups in a row and I started binge eating. I was so depressed and the only thing that I felt like I could control was my food intake. And then I started putting on weight and that made me feel super shitty about myself because I thought that I was fat. But I ignored the little voice my head saying I was fat and I kept eating and eating and eating and then I got a job at a restaurant where I got a 40% discount on food. Food was the main focus of my paychecks as well because that’s all I had control over. Granted at this current time I have a wonderful boyfriend who just wants me to be healthy. But he made the mistake of saying that my current body that I had wasn’t healthy. I went from only wanting to be a hundred pounds to being about 130lbs which was pretty healthy and I looked decent. So because of him saying that I stopped eating as much as I was. In fact I had basically stopped eating. And now I can’t eat as much as I used to when I was a healthy weight. Granted I’m still kind of a healthy weight but I keep dropping pounds and I know I do I don’t even have a scale but I know I can feel it I can feel it because I’m so tired because I’m not getting the right nutrition that I should be and I’m not getting the right amount of calories or anything because I have this crazy thought in my head that I’m fat and I shouldn’t love myself because of how I look. I haven’t talked to anyone about this because I’m afraid I will get judged because I hate myself. In my house if I say one bad thing about myself I have 3 people saying “no no you look beautiful” and all I can think is ‘you’re lying I’m fat I’m ugly I shouldn’t be alive’. How mental is that?! I think that I’m fat and I’m ugly and that I shouldn’t be alive because I have a bit of fat on my stomach? What the hell is wrong with me? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I have a mental disorder called body dysmorphia as well as body dysphoria because I cannot be who I want to be. If I could draw I would draw the ideal type of body that I want for my male side and for my female side and those are body types that I will never be able to achieve because that is not my body. My body is short it is curvy and it is my body the types of body that I want are skinny and tall and toned and that is not me. That will never be me because that is not my genetic makeup. I have big boobs and I have big hips and that’s just what I have to live with because that is who I am. If I could go back to 8th grade me and me earlier this year and say “Hey you probably shouldn’t do that because that is going to ruin your body” I would but I can’t so I’m going to try to fix it now. To Anyone who reads this is dealing with an eating disorder, I’m sorry. I know that probably means nothing to you but it means something to me because of someone would have just said “hey I’m sorry I’m going through the same thing you are and I’m so sorry” that would have made me feel so much better but no one did because no one that I know was or is going through the same thing that I am. I had no one to say “hey what you’re doing is bad and it’s going to ruin everything and you could die from this.” I had no one saying that you will get so dizzy that you won’t want to leave your bed or that you will be so hungry that it will literally hurt. I had no one who said that they would help me. The only person I had was myself and the realization that I have an eating disorder. I’m going to try to get better not for anyone else but for myself.

#eating disroders #anorexic #anorexia #binge eating #mental illness #help #im here #ill help #im sorry #trigger warning #tw

[kit-kat-vents]

Depressed and Afraid

Ahhhh I'm so confused and depressed about everything lately. I want to happy but I just can't. I have a loving boyfriend who cares a lot about me and excerpts me no matter what but I'm still scared to tell him stuff. We've been saying for almost 5 months now and yet I still have outright told him that I'm genderfluid. I'm afraid he won't except me for what I am. I always feel like I have to be hyperfeminine around him. It's not because that's what he wants but because I'm afraid if I'm not he won't love me anymore. He wants me to be myself but I can't because I'm a big baby and I'm scared. I can't even talk to my mom about how I feel because she doesn't know my gender identity either. If anyone read this please don't comment. If anything send me a note. I'm sorry if my rambling wasted your time.

[kit-kat-vents]

I Don't Feel Safe

I don't feel safe against myself, my dad, my step mother, or the dropping temperatures outside. Hell I haven't eaten anything today because I don't wanna get bitched at. I have nowhere to go but no one cares. I shouldn't have quit my job. I should have just suffered through it. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I should just kill myself and get all this bullshit over with.