hansolshines

[hansolshines]

I MISSED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STILL HERE, AND I MISS YOU EVEN MORE NOW; ON GRIEF

natalie diaz // brenna twohy // @metamorphesque // fatima aamer bilal // jamie anderson // @heavensghost // rainer maria rilke

[hansolshines]

kaveh akbar, 'calling a wolf a wolf' // doc luben, 'love letters or suicide notes' // @/nutnoce, tumblr // 'my body's made of crushed little stars', mitski // @/ojibwa, tumblr // 'spring', mary oliver

[hansolshines]

#diary

[hansolshines]

UPDATE even if this got 0 notes. so much shit happened with my enlistment since this post but long story short, i now have full units 🥳 it took a bit of pleading with professors to let me in their closed classes and a lot of nervous breakdowns

enlistment period in my uni is a nightmare. ive already talked about it in all my other accounts so naturally i also have to overshare it here-- the units i want to take keep getting lower and lower (most of my desired courses are already all full) and the only hope i have atp is to merely get a regular load :/ this shit is so exhausting man LMAO please god i just want 15 units i beg of you

[hansolshines]

Derry Girls really said that life is not a linier series of events and the worst parts of your life can and will co-exist with the best parts and there is no telling if and when those will be. So you just have to try and make the best of every situation as it comes to you.

And they were right.

#just finished derry girls today #i was BAWLING my eyes out alone in my dorm room watching this happen

[hansolshines]

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐬 | 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐝

spencer comforts you with facts and affection alike when you worry you aren't as pretty as the girls on his team. requested here. fem!reader, 1.6k

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Photographs can't accurately capture how beautiful Emily Prentiss is. JJ and Penelope are both gorgeous too, but it's Emily who startles you. Her hair a cool black colour and curled around her demure face, the line of her nose and her deep, dark eyes. Her lips, picture perfect and painted a soft pink.

The prettier you find her, the more your heart sinks. 

Spencer squeezes your shoulder. It's bold for him to do so in front of his friends (his family, really), he can barely show you affection in the grocery store without turning rosy. You preen at the touch, but the feeling of insecurity remains like an irksome gnat zipping around your head. 

"We didn't think we'd ever get to meet you!" Derek is saying, a casual arm thrown around Penelope's shoulders, a drink in hand. 

Rossi couldn't attend and JJ felt too pregnant, bringing your party to a solid six. It still feels like a lot of people to meet at once. 

You hold the flute of your glass in a nervous hand, fingers stickied by condensation. You have a feeling that you're in trouble, all these profilers assessing your behaviour, nowhere to hide. "No, I'm," —you raise your voice to hide the funny tremor that's taken hold— "so happy to meet you all, I promise I've been trying!" 

"Whenever she gets time off, we're on a case," Spencer says. 

Emily smiles widely at your statement. It's such an open, friendly look, it floors you. You look down at your drink and blink. 

You don't know it, but the team exchanges glances at your behaviour. 

"So, do you enjoy your work?" Emily asks. "Or hate it, like us?"

Hotch laughs and moves his pint glass onto a coaster. "I think it's safe to say that none of us hate our jobs." 

"I wouldn't blame you if you did. I can't imagine how hard it is, how hard you all work," you say. Spencer's hand drifts down your back. "But you have each other."

Emily does this thing with her eyes and if you weren't in a happy relationship, you'd probably be a puddle at her feet. "Too much of each other," she says jokingly.

She's gorgeous, and Spencer sees her every single day? You're nothing compared to her. Not smart, not strong, and nowhere near as pretty. You could never measure up. 

"Would you, um, excuse me?" you ask, moving your purse from your lap and onto the table. 

"You okay?" Spencer asks, looking up as you stand. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just gonna use the bathroom," you say quietly. You aren't, but if you were, you wouldn't really want to broadcast that anyhow. 

You try not to wobble on the way to the bathroom. The weight of five pairs of eyes follows you as you leave, four of which are trained in the art of spotting lies. Everything isn't okay, and they know that, and by extension —all the effort you made tonight? Getting your hair done, your nicest clothes, your makeup and your perfume? It might as well be a huge blinking neon sign that says you're trying really hard, and it doesn't make a lick of difference. 

You sidle into a stall, pulling the lid of the toilet down with a tissue and sitting on it heavily. Elbows on your knees, you hunch your back and hide your face in your hands, breathing in the smell of bleach through quick breaths. Water drips somewhere near the sinks, the cacophony of the restaurant hushed. 

You've never felt naturally pretty. With Spencer, it hasn't ever mattered. He's never given any indication that he cares. But… 

"Loser," you mutter to yourself. 

"Hey, Y/N?" Spencer asks, his voice bouncing off of the tile. 

You freeze. "Two seconds!" 

"You're not really using the bathroom," he says incredulously. 

"Says who?"

Spencer laughs, his tone wry, "I know you really well, you realise? Like, better than I know anyone else on the planet."

"Then you know I'm having an authentic pee and need my privacy." 

"Come on out." 

The ringing of the lock slotting free is like an announcement of your embarrassment. Spencer's standing a half a foot from the doorway, keeping his distance from the no man's land that is the ladies room. You're going to use it to your advantage, only he holds out his hand expectantly. When you take it, he pulls you out of the bathroom and firmly into the restaurant hallway. 

You can't escape his concern, nor his hands as they cup your face unexpectedly. 

They feel as nice as they look, deft fingers pressed to your skin like you're one of his puzzles to decipher. 

"What upset you?" he asks. 

"Nothing your friends did, I promise." 

"But something." He smooths a hand down to your shoulders. He's not quite frenetic but certainly close to it, searching for a problem he won't find on the surface. "You're insecure about something," he deduces. 

You cringe bodily. "I'm not." 

"What is it? Is it your necklace? It really is nice, the colour goes with your skin. It's understated." 

"It's not my necklace, Spence." 

"Then what is it?" 

"I just…" You pull his hands from your neck and collar to hold them, looking up into his melty brown eyes wishing he weren't so hard to say no to. "Feel like you could do better." 

He frowns. It's a pout, and endearing, but not what you want to see. 

"I love being with you, I just think, you know, you're so handsome, and you have all these pretty friends," you say.  

"You think you're not pretty?" he asks. He sounds gutted, if a little confused. 

"Not like her." Your voice quivers. 

The first time you got upset in front of Spencer, he wasn't sure what to do. He ended up putting an arm around your shoulder, your brand new boyfriend out of his depth. You've both had some practice at comforting one another now, and any hesitance Spencer held is gone. He wraps his arms around you like he's afraid you'll fall over, the crease of his stressed brow smushing against the side of your face. 

"Don't think that. Why would you think that?" he asks quietly. 

"I know I'm not pretty like some girls," you say, surprised by the ferocity of his reaction. 

"You don't know that, because it's not true. You're beautiful." He squeezes your side between his fingers, something contemplative about the way his thumb curls upward. "Do you know how many books I've read?" 

"Thousands." 

He hums. A hand grasps at the back of your neck. "Thousands of books. I know so much, especially about the human body. I know that falling in love can make some people feel the same effects as cocaine. Staring into their eyes can synchronise your heartbeats." He encourages your head back. "Butterflies are adrenaline and when I look at you I can't get them to stop, even if I know it's chemical." Spencer's eyes are lit with something you don't often see directed at you, a furious conviction. "What we think we know isn't always fact, so if you think you're not pretty…" He nods his head gently to the left. "There's only really one thing left to do." 

Your heart feels like it's being juiced. "What's that?" you ask. 

He grabs your hand and puts it on his chest. Fingertips to his breastbone, he holds it flat. Sure enough, even through the thin fabric of his t-shirt, you can feel the rapid capering of his pulse. 

"It's like that pretty much any time I look at you." 

"Spence…" 

"I know it's bad," he says.

"Are you messing with me?"

"Yeah, I did a lap before I came to find you– No!" He laughs, giving you an admonishing look. "Why would I mess with you? How could I?" 

"I don't know." 

He dips in to kiss your frown. "You're so pretty," he whispers. "So, so pretty. You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen, no matter what you think." 

You don't believe that you're the prettiest girl he's ever seen, but you believe that he believes it. He has no reason to lie to you, nothing to gain. He could've said, Hey, you're pretty, and left it at that. He could've been angry with you for leaving the table for something some people would say was superficial. But Spencer's your sweetheart. 

"Do you want to go home, angel?" he asks, looking at you worriedly. 

"No." You don't even have to think about it —you've done enough thinking. "I don't want to go home. Sorry, Spencer. I feel better." And you'll stay out all night if he's going to call you angel again. 

"Well, let me know if you need me to tell you again." 

The chances of you surviving such an ardent speech a second time are low. "I won't be doing that." 

Spencer shrugs. "You'll let me know, even if you don't think so. You have a tell when you're upset." 

You spend the rest of the night making up for your disruption (which Spencer's friends immediately dismiss without questioning), shepherding the crisper curly fries on to Spencer's plate because he likes them that way, and begging him to tell you what your tell is with subtle pleading glances and a hand on his knee. Nothing inappropriate, but affectionate nonetheless. 

He doesn't tell you no matter how much you ask, and maybe it's the drinks or the way the scone light kisses his cheeks in a warm buttery light, you can't find it in you to be mad. 

"Keep your secrets," you say, chin tilted upward. You're failing to glare at him, too much love in your eyes for it to be believable. 

"You're beautiful," he says back, mirroring your expression playfully, before leaning down for a chaste kiss. 

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!! if you did, please consider reblogging, it makes a big difference to me<3 have a good day!

#i CRIED #that awful feeling of insecurity creeping in im convinced this person was written after me /j

[hansolshines]

enlistment period in my uni is a nightmare. ive already talked about it in all my other accounts so naturally i also have to overshare it here-- the units i want to take keep getting lower and lower (most of my desired courses are already all full) and the only hope i have atp is to merely get a regular load :/ this shit is so exhausting man LMAO please god i just want 15 units i beg of you

#rant #uni #college

[hansolshines]

a redemption poll from that last dog name one i did:

reblog for a larger sample <3

#my dog is named charlotte as in charlotte's web #it's what i was reading at the time for english class in the third grade #now i'm in my sophomore year of college :D #n she's still alive and kicking i love her sm

[hansolshines]

NICK NELSON + THE CROSSED ARMS POSE

#im sorry im no better than a man but. #the forearms #heartstopper

[hansolshines]

go watch Barbie

#me #could not breathe was bawling so hard #and the quote about mothers OUUHHHH #that got me sobbing hours after i left the theater #barbie #barbie 2023

[hansolshines]

“Closed in the hidden room, I continued to disappear.”

— Yoko Ogawa, from The Memory Police

#how could this book leave it at this #i had to pause reflectively a lot of times toward the end bc it was getting more depressing w each page #i feel so HEAVY and EMPTY at the same time its unreal

[hansolshines]

Human Acts, by Han Kang

ON GRIEF:

ON DEATH:

and ON HUMANITY:

these are some of my favorite passages from Human Acts by Han Kang. There are still more but here's my favorite page as a bonus (I am sorry for the quality I just scanned my physical book ahh)

#i loveeed the writing on grief so much :( #especially the play #when you died i couldn't hold a funeral so i spent the rest of my life and every last ounce of my being grieving you. #Human Acts #Han Kang #book #literature #historical fiction #books and libraries #web weaving

[hansolshines]

watching room cleaning/'life reset' videos on tiktok to live vicariously through them bc i struggle with feeling like i am in control of my life 😜

#diary #tiktok #i love watching the girlies fix their rooms and organize all their stuff #i can do the same it just won't feel as fulfilling and i don't know why? #my diary

[hansolshines]

finally got to move my night playlist from youtube music to spotify! this was the first playlist i've ever put effort into and my most-loved one :')

the order of the songs are still messy but they follow the chronological order in the description (11PM to 2AM), so it starts out like you're in a night out, then progresses to songs you'd blast on your car while driving on the freeway, then ends with songs to chill out (or maybe have a mental breakdown over) in the wee hours

if you came across this post and liked this playlist please do leave a reply, reblog, or give some recommendations!! :D

#music #spotify #playlist #night #night playlist #night aesthetic #nighttime #songs #Spotify

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#MOTHER #i love gelya sm #reblog #gymnastics

[hansolshines]

i just saw a tiktok where they rated boysenberry festival food and it reminded me of how much i loved it when ryan and shane ate everything at knott's, so much so that i actually want/ed them to do it annually but idk if that's allowed??

can they do that?? do they have to be sponsored by knott's or something i don't know how that works but anyway i want ryan and shane to eat some more boysenberry food items pretty please

#watcher #ryan bergara #shane madej #boysenberry #maybe get steven to do it with them #steven lim #i just enjoyed that video a lot ok

[hansolshines]

as someone who isn't from the US i feel like i'd enjoy it very much if shane and ryan visited a weird and/or wonderful place in every state

#watcher #weird and/or wonderful world #just thoughts