everyday-effing-therapy

[everyday-effing-therapy]

04/07/2021

I am publishing this on 05/06/2022. If you consider my last post, this one seems almost funny.

Hello,

It is 23:54 when I am starting to write this post, I have issues typing cause I haven't done it in such a long time and I have one song going on replay.

I am still in the Netherlands, where I moved for university, although I am gonna leave to visit home in some time.

I came on here, because it's been a long time, because I'm struggling and I don't know what to do - in those situations I would usually come here. Also, it's the holidays, which always makes me more active.

Good news for any new folks here or somebody that did not keep up - I left my old life behind. No more Blacks or Golds or Silvers. I keep them in my heart, see them on Instagram occassionally and maybe will see them in a pub when I go home, but I'm not a protagonist of a book and my hometown is actually a city, not a town. Chances are scarce and, probably for the first time in my life, I don't really care.

I have a boyfriend now and that would single-handedly make the old me believe that moving here was worth it. And don't get me wrong, it was, but for far more reasons than having a boyfriend.

We met on a dating app back in November. We went on a couple of dates and ultimately started dating before the Christmas holidays. I got (half of) the experience of having your boyfriend drop you off at the airport - half, because it was covid and people without a ticket could not enter the airport.

It was a difficult trip home. I missed him, my dog was not there anymore, it was stressful and my grandma had covid, so I did not even see her. I have not seen her in person for 8 months straight, and that says something.

I came back to the Netherlands feeling a bit weird, a bit like I did not have a home anymore.

After that I met his parents, I started coming over to dinners and I had a home again.

His mom is lovely, although I did not really speak Dutch and she did not really speak English. His dad and his brother were very fun and fluent in English, and I fell for that family fast.

It was more than nice to have someplace to go. We spent winter next to the fireplace in his living room and I felt like things finally start making sense.

Months have passed and I went back home again in April. This time, it was better. Sadly, he could not go with me, but it was still a very pleasant experience. I studied, my parents had a puppy, so we were all engaged in doing things together. I got vaccinated. I saw my grandmas and my friends. Things finally made some sense.

To be honest, I did not really want to go back to the Netherlands. It was just so convenient, being there. To be honest, of course I would not want to stay in my home country forever. However, knowing that you don't officially live there anymore makes you appreciate it so much more.

Where it comes to the Netherlands, I cannot be indifferent. Every single aspect, I either love or hate, no in-between. It gets exhausting. But, I have felt the same way for my homeland, except that at some point almost all the love turned into hate. I know the feelings, some things I just did not expect.

My friends come and go and people I met at uni also do. A lot of people only come for a Master programme, which takes two years. However, they only have a year of courses, then a semester of thesis and semester of internship. Therefore, you see them come and then leave. I am going to stay longer, I will probably stay five years and it just feels like the strangest thing to exist - rooting somewhere, where everyone is swimming by.

My boyfriend's family, they are an interesting bunch too. They are religiious, something I am very much not and also something that I was running away from, especially in the aspect of my homecountry. However, I put my foot down. I do not watch the service with them and I think that was the most controversial aspect. Other than that, it's fine. We don't have same opinions, but their right-wing is probably close to what my nation describes as left-wing, so it's not as bad as I was afraid.

My boyfriend is great. He's loving and charming. We are both sun leos, him being born 21 hours after me. We have similar love languages, are both very touchy, wanted a relationship, seeked monogamy and overall, I am so glad I met somebody like him.

It's still surprising how different I am in a relationship than I thought I would be. It's nothing like my ex was, it's more raw, less painful, less exciting, more trusting.

We started dating so early on that I didn't really develop the butterflies. Call it a modern day of dating, but from the first date I knew it was a date - that if it works out, we go romantic. I have never had that before. All of my previous crushes I have been pining for, feeling great depths of excitement and then even greater depths of disappointment.

My relationship is everything I hoped it to be and yet so many things I have never expected.

[everyday-effing-therapy]

05/06/2022

Hello again,

It's been almost two years since I last posted a diary entry. Two years, during which I moved countries, started doing my Bachelor at university, fell in love at least twice and got my heart broken at least three times.

Let's just say that it has been a wild mess.

Now, I do not want to act like I don't like it here. Quite the opposite, really. However, it has been a ride.

Especially now, it feels almost the same as these two years ago, when I was hoping for the best, in the middle of my high school exams.

I have moved here and I have fallen in love within a week. This love did not work. It was too fast and too messy, completely unrequited. The heartbreak stayed with me for the next two months - it was quite difficult to cope. The situation reminded me painfully of all my endeavors with Black, Silver and Gold. How I failed at all of these situations and how unwanted I have felt all this time.

After falling out of love with my housemate, I have decided to pursue online dating. I was originally searching for women, but I was not successful. Observing my friends who were, in fact, quite successful, I decided to also search for men.

I talked with many, many people. I got to observe a wide array of characters; opinionated locals and shy travellers. I kept on talking with only a few.

One of them became my boyfriend in December, 2020. I have been ecstatic to start a relationship with him.

Gosh, we shared a lot of moments. He was funny, cute, caring, loving, he understood me on many levels. He quickly became my favourite person.

I started questioning it all around August, but did not think much of it at that time. Christmas was horrible. He stopped being my favorite person around then.

We broke up yesterday, around 9:00 am. I brought up the topic.

In my life, I was more often the break-uper, than the breakupee. However, in the one relationship I had that truly mattered, I was broken up with. The pain was unbearable.

I was afraid to leave my boyfriend, as I did not know if I was capable of living on my own again. The only time I lived alone here was for around 4 months in the midst of Covid.

But it had to happen. It had to happen before something worse would have happened. I did not want to be a worse person than I already am.

I think I learnt something, as breaking up also hurt. Gee, it hurt like a motherfucker. I think I am more understanding of my ex girlfriend now.

I cried a lot yesterday. I did not cry at all today. I am wondering if the horrible pain will still come. Maybe I am still in denial.

Maybe, I did not start processing it yet.

I am trying to make any sense of it all.

So yes, I am alive. I am also very confused.

It feels like no time has passed, but here we are, two years later.

Happy (belated) 2022 folks.

With love,

C

#c strikes again #diary #journal #journal entry #c posts #life #love

[everyday-effing-therapy]

Small towns have their charm (but I’m getting restless)

[everyday-effing-therapy]

08/08/2020

(A snippet of a post I have never finished - and never posted) - Updated edits written in bold.

Oh dear Lord, 

Hello hello, it’s the nameday of the month and I can surely say that I’m done. 

I’m done. I’m done with everything that I have to go through right now, and although I am well aware of the fact that it could be much, much worse, I also do not have the mental health to be dealing with all that stuff right now.

To tell you the truth, I feel like shit. 

I can’t find a place to live in, I have hundreds of things to do, the introduction days on my uni (that I will not attend) are trying to scam me for 50 euros, the coronavirus cases are getting bigger than they’ve ever been in my country, I live on caffeine, stress, tears and headaches. 

I literally want to cry so badly right now. The stress is eating me from inside out. I know that there are people who have literally gone bald or got grey hair overnight and although I don’t think that it will be the case, cause that usually happened to people during war, I can still safely assume that my current stress levels will take a toll on my body and it’s something that scares me shitless. 

Last night I felt a bit better, as I usually do feel less stress at night. I am aware that nobody will respond to any of my emails, nobody is going to need my attention and I can’t do anything.

Therefore, I am saved at night. 

So, last night I did a large bit of my paintgem painting, watched some the Sims gameplays and overall, had fun.

Which cannot be said about my mood since this morning. The last time I have felt so badly was probably two years ago and I also remember that I felt far better at nights than during days. 

I hate feeling that way, I absolutely hate that constant tiredness that I’m experiencing, as my stress is literally making me die. 

In other news, I had my birthday last week. It was a nice event, with my parents, grandmas and my friends over. We drank a lot, my parents were really sociable, they told us different stories and on the whole, I felt really warm and giddy the entire evening.

I didn’t get any presents, but I guess that’s alright since my dad is offering to pay all the university costs. No matter where I’ll end up studying, it will still cost a small fortune, so I am really thankful for the opportunity either way. 

With that being said, I really do not want to be staying in my home country for more than it’s necessary, so I am definitely going to try to get enrolled next year, if this year doesn’t work out. 

Except that it will. It will work out, I am sure of that and I am putting that out into the universe. (And it did. It did work out.)

So, there were lots of amazingly nice people who wrote me memorable birthday wishes, some of which I truly did not accept. With that being said though, (I’ll never find out what I wanted to say here)

#08/08 #c posts #life #university #c is so frickin' lost #c is very tired #c has a headache because that's how it is #c has decided to finally post unposted work

[everyday-effing-therapy]

29/05/2020

(A snippet of a post I have never finished - and never posted) - Updated edits written in bold.

Hello,

It’s a weird time and a weird place, but I’m back again.

So, quarantining and social distancing didn’t make me post more. However, it made me more aware of who I am and what I need.

I guess that when everything started changing for us three months ago, I didn’r really consider it to actually become this big. That’s because both my friends and me have a tendency to take things really overboard. Even when the social distancing has already started, my friends were creating some sorts of conspiracy theories and I was, honestly, done with it.

Being away from my friends made me rethink life in a strangest way. In all my teenage years of existence I had never been away from the people I love for so long. I can’t remember the time when the only people I saw and talkted to face to face for over a month were my parents. 

Still, I guess it was sort of refreshing. I didn’t realise when or how I started relying on people up to the point where I sold my happiness in order for them to be happy. I started feeling lonely and miserable again, as if my friends didn’t share my opinions and beliefs, but also didn’t respect them. I constantly craved human attention, but I wasn’t happy in return. I wasn’t getting it from the people I wanted to and besides, seeing people I crushed on dating others was a torture on its own.

To go home one day in March and not come back to school until June was one of the weirdest tings to happen. We still had over a month of school left and yet,  I didn’t believe that we actually wouldn’t come back. I just really needed a rest.

That rest turned out to be one of the strangest things I experienced in, probably, forever.

Cause you know, the routine stayed the same. I still get up early in the morning, eat breakfast with my parents, am endlessly tired from going to sleep too late. Then I still try to study and exercise, maybe read some fanfiction or watch YouTube and then take an afternoon nap. It doesn’t differ that much from a holiday or weekend routine, so in a way you can act as if nothing wrong is happening.

But you can’t keep on lying to yourself forever. 

#29/05 #c posts #life #quarantine #c has decided to finally post unposted work

[everyday-effing-therapy]

01/04/2020

(A snippet of a post I have never finished - and never posted) - Updated edits written in bold.

Hello,

It’s April already, which can be pretty surprising when you think about it. I mean, it was only the beginning of the new year and I was shocked to think that the second half of 2019 passed so quickly.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to think now, when I’ve already spent three weeks in my house without leaving and I am slowly but surely growing anxious.

I’m not here to be sulking about the in-home days, there are quite a positive side to it and although it’s absolutely insane what’s going on in this world, but you have to focus on the positive sides when the situation is as bad as it is today. 

#1/04 #c posts #life #school #quarantine #c is very tired

[everyday-effing-therapy]

19/03/2020

(A snippet of a post I have never finished - and never posted) - Updated edits written in bold.

Hi, 

It’s been an interesting day. I’m having some extraordinary amounts of online classes, but it’s okay because I don’t feel like I’m in total solitude. 

My teachers are treating me alright, they are quite nice to us and I feel like paradoxically, it’s even better than at school, cause they genuinely care, which I love.

I came back to watching Naruto and slowly but surely I’m going further into the plot. I managed to go through a particularly big number of fillers, which have been weighing down on me for quite some time now.

Apart from that, I’m finishing a puzzle with my mom and since it’s quite likely I’m going to be staying home for another two weeks, we probably will start another puzzle. I think I’m actually going to go and try to do some right now.

I have huge amounts of homework, but enough that I can somehow handle. it’s my name day tomorrow and I am glad that we don’t have many classes, only maths, cause I should finally get some rest.

Today and yesterday I was so tired I had no idea what to do and I almost didn’t participate in the classes, but since I know that they are important and that I might have some trouble passing the exams without it, I am really trying hard.

#C Posts #life #studying #c is very tired #c has decided to finally post unposted work #19/03 #school

[everyday-effing-therapy]

13/02/2020

(A snippet of a post I have never finished - and never posted) - Updated edits written in bold.

Hello,

I felt like shit yesterday, contrary to how I’ve felt like the past couple of weeks, so it’s always a good time to write, you know, when things start to go down. 

The utter shittiness of yesterday was caused by two things:

1) I am on my period, which I have a lot, thank you very much, as I feel everyone who has them does, because the feeling of blood is way too much to handle.

2) My French teacher made me feel absolutely terrible. We were told to write reviews about some movie we saw and I did so with my friend group. In the end, we were asked a question and mind you, I didn’t understand it at all, because I don’t understand when someone speaks actual proper French to me and I didn’t answer the question, which led to the teacher saying things that i didn’t want to hear and suddenly all I wanted was burn the place to the ground, which I do hope will happen one day.

And I know how that sounds, but really, that school is rotten on the inside. It’s believed to be so good,  but it’s getting worse and worse, because the teachers treat students like absolute shit and then are surprised that they don’t care anymore, that they don’t want to study, don’t want to come to school, don’t want to do anything.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my class and only the day before yesterday. I was thinking that in some ways, I want the exams to come already, for this entire nightmare to end, and in some ways, I just want it to never end. I want to be with those people forever, maybe out of school, but maybe actually in school, because I’m no fool and I know that so many of those relationships exist, because of the fact that we still go to school together.

I have this long piece of paper since prom, which was the date that officially marked 100 days to the start of our exams. I am cutting off one day every day and I am planning on adding every single PE lesson to know, when they will end forever in my life.

Second of all, I will probably include French in it as well, because it’s getting worse and worse with every passing lesson.

It’s absolutely horrible.

Apart from that, life has been okay.

I had moved on from the sorrows of being brokenhearted, although it’s hard not to be, sometimes. It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose, but I just quite can’t control the pace of moving on. 

Seeing Black and Marigold together is still painful, but manageable. They are a cute couple, they are a good fit, so in the end, I feel quite lost, because I like him so much, even now, even after everything. At times, I wonder why, but I think that might be a lot of things. 

His laugh, for starters, it always gets me. It’s just quite unfair, because he seems to be so introverted and then he comes out of his shell, cracks a joke and the entire world starts laughing with him.

At least, I see it that way.

Other than that, I love his smell. It’s strong, but not sickly or overpowering. I used to not pay attention to that, but now I do and honestly, when he comes into the classroom, his smell makes me go wild.

He might be sitting a row in front of me and yet, when he sits down or moves around, suddenly it’s all I can feel. (It’s interesting how much I cared for him, how much love I gave to a person that has never really cared back)

[everyday-effing-therapy]

09/09/2020

Good morning, I guess.

Warning: sexual themes ahead (just a disclaimer, if you don’t want to read about those things, I guess just skip that post, cause I’ll be focusing on that for a bit.

By the way, it’s the nameday of the month already. I can’t believe how fast the time is passing here. 

So, what exactly happened to me?

The last time I wrote, I wasn’t in the best mental place. I tried getting somewhat organised and I did manage to get everything done, at least what I needed to do for classes in the previous week. 

Still, I guess what I succeeded in was talking to people from my floor. I am hanging out with three other people and have found a sort of “close friend” here, which I am super grateful for. Her name also starts with a “V”, which reminds me so much of actual V, my best friend from home.

When it comes to home, I’ve been a bit homesick, then it got significantly better and then it was super shitty again. I have also already bought tickets to come home for Christmas. Obviously, nobody knows how the situation with the virus is going to pan out, but so far, that’s about as much as I can do. 

I talk to my parents every day, so I am also just better with how I deal with things. We have a good relationship and it gets even better when I am not living with them. 

So, when it comes to the “unexpected” things, there was a situation.

If we go back, more than a week ago ago I watched a tarot reading by Vanessa Somuayina for my love life in September. It said a lot about sexual life, about having that sort of glow and happiness and I didn’t believe any part of it, as I’ve never had sex itself, so I didn’t just magically expect to meet someone and just go straight to bed with them. 

So, something else happened. I was hanging out with guys from my corridor and I ended up staying in the room of one of them, when the rest left. We were supposed to watch a movie, but ended up talking and had a pretty meaningful conversation.

Talking to somebody who listens and understands your point of view was a beautiful experience and I felt perfectly comfortable just unveiling details of my life and listening to his. We also started getting progressively closer in a physical way. I was unbelievably cold, so we were sitting under a blanket, with his feet on mine. I was tracing his tattoos, he traced the veins on my hands, there was some Netflix series playing in the background, there were candles and low lighting and it was romantic as hell. 

Then, it shouldn’t be a surprise that at some point we started kissing. I won’t lie, I got a bit stressed out, especially since it’s pretty much new territory for me and I’ve known him only for a couple of days at that point. He was incredibly gentle though, didn’t push me to do anything I didn’t want and when he saw me getting tense he immediately said that we don’t have to do anything. 

I kinda thought about it and although I, myself, am not a person to be thinking of my virginity as something totally sacred, at the same time I just got really scared and I thought that I certainly shouldn’t push myself to do something that I didn’t want. 

Therefore, we had some fun, but we didn’t go all the way. After that we talked, he offered me to take a shower with him, which I did (and it was so, sooo nice) and I stayed the night. We cuddled and although I was comfortable, I also woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night, because of my stress and overthinking. It was really nice to feel him close to me, or to watch his back while he was asleep. 

So, the next morning we ate breakfast together and then he told me that I was welcome to stay during his online lectures, which I did. It was incredibly interesting to see him in such a domestic surroundings and also, it’s always nice to be listening to somebody who speaks with such a passion on their topic. 

After that I went to my own place and got down to my own work. He came round in the afternoon, asking if I would want to eat dinner with him. I said that yes, I’d love that, but I also knew that I had a very long assignment to do, so I didn’t know whether I would be done in time. He promised to bring me dinner to my room if I wasn’t done in time, which was the sweetest. 

I did end up having some sort of dinner with them though, as he had friends over and I helped with preparations. Somewhere along the line, me and Trish (I am calling my new close friend Trish, who gon’ clock me?) decided to go out to town, so that’s what we did. We grabbed some drinks, had some fun, but ultimately decided that we were tired and came back home. 

When I got back home, I learnt that the guys were actually going out. He (let’s call him Sun) came back though, to tell me goodnight, which was one of the sweetest things that I encountered. 

On the next day I kinda tried to get organised with my school work and in the evening we had another dinner. I was a bit lost at that time, cause I had no clue what I was standing on. I help Sun prepare dinner and again, it was so domestic I almost cried. On that night, a lot of friends came over and subsequently, I got to know a lot of people. It was an incredibly nice night and, when I was leaving, I hugged Sun again and it was a very pleasant touch. 

That didn’t ease any of my worries though, as I have no idea as to what might or may not happen. I am a huge overthinker so what I need to do right now is calm my stupid self down and just take things as they come.

However, on Sunday I got my period and I was just a crying mess. Sunday was horrible in terms of period cramps. Sun came me his painkillers, which was the sweetest thing, but after that, my mood started getting subsequently lost. On Sunday night, I was a mess.

Monday was the absolute worst for me. I did feel some motivation in the morning, but then, around noon, I was just at such shitty place mentally that I started to really break down. I went on a walk to ease my bad mood and in a way it helped. The day was absolutely beautiful, therefore I was sad that I didn’t make use of it that much. 

In the evening I was still feeling very bad, so I went to m friend’s room. He was busy, but there were two super nice girls, that I met on Saturday and they were just chilling on the bench. I joined them and we ended up having an incredibly nice, two hour conversation, where I just spilled the tea on everything and admitted to feeling like shit. I felt so much better after that conversation and I could finally sleep in any relative peace. 

I started thinking about what I should do in terms of Sun, should I maybe initiate a conversation, or maybe should I do something completely different. I wanted to go to his room to talk on Monday night, but I missed the moment when he came back. I ended up falling asleep and ultimately decided to take my shot on Tuesday morning. 

I accidentally woke him up, but no harm was really done and we started having a little conversation, ate some cake, talked about me feeling badly and then he asked if I’d like to go on a walk, as I said that it was a method with which I dealt with my feelings back at home.

We went on a pretty long walk, talked to each other some more. It was incredibly interesting to see life through his eyes. He told me that he will be leaving next year to study in another city and that he is kinda thinking about moving to a different apartment for the rest of this academic year. I surely hope he doesn’t do that and I told him that.

Still, it’s very sad to think that he’s only here for a year, therefore I hope that some good things will happen in this year. 

He also asked me if I could take care of his basil plant while he’s gone. I didn’t know what he meant, but I learnt that he’s going to visit his family for a couple of days. He left yesterday in the afternoon and is going to come back on Sunday evening. 

So, I ended up staying with the basil. I’ve been running around it like crazy, as I really don’t want it to die. 

Hope you enjoy your stay at mine, plant!

Apart from that, I guess that’s good that he left. He’s gone for a little less than a week, but I still took a hit. I know that I can’t get so attached and used to him, therefore it’s good to have breaks like that. 

I guess that it might also give us time to figure out what the hell we really want. 

My weekend is going to be packed so I need to do everything for my classes in the upcoming three days. It’s a lot and it’s tiring, but I am sure I’ll manage. 

Last night I met up with those two amazing girls again, let’s call them May and Selene. They are both incredibly caring, have super interesting stories and generally like listening to me, which is something that I love. We live in the same building, so it’s nice to have somebody to take a tea break with. 

I am better now, my period is not as intense anymore and I hope that everything will go well.

Take care of yourselves.

With love, 

C

#10:22 #09/09 #diary #journal #journal entry #c posts #new! friends! #waiting for love #lust #university #c is so frickin' lost #c is in her mood #c is okay and you will be too

[everyday-effing-therapy]

01/09/2020

Good morning,

It’s September. 

Now, I don’t really know what to say to you about that, but I just feel so weird because of it. It’s not like I didn’t know that it was going to come, but because I’ve been home since March and I had my exams in June (which I still would have had in May so either way I wouldn’t have done anything apart from studying from March till May). After that were the holidays and I guess I enjoyed them even though I didn’t travel anywhere, because I was at home, I could do whatever I wanted and I also knew that I would be moving places and seeing new people.

Now, it’s getting a bit harder. I moved out and I didn’t really get to know that many people due to the virus, but we’re making it work. The international group seems to be super fun and I love spending time with them, so there is that.

Yesterday night we had a sort of speed meet and I did want to talk to a couple of people I knew that were going to be there, but sadly I didn’t get to. I still met some really nice ones and I don’t regret going. I’m just sad cause my corridor-mates decided to meet up at the same time and I clearly couldn’t go. 

Apart from that, life’s been pretty okay. My first lectures were from cell biology, which I heard is the toughest course here and the lectures themselves were just recordings from the previous years with millions of things to do after them, whereas in the evening we had introduction to food technology and our course coordinator seems to be really nice. I reckon she’s genuinely interested in what she’s teaching and I think that her course is a bit more student-orientated, whereas cell biology is probably a grind.

I was deadly tired yesterday from all of that and also, because I have to walk to a lot of places, I did so many kilometres by foot that my body got mad at me for doing so. It’s not like I have any other choice though, so there is that.

When it comes to my mental stability here, it’s weird, but it’s doable. I have lectures, I have friendly meetings, I have some assignments, so everything should be pretty alright or at least I hope it to be. 

Wish me luck in the upcoming period!

With love, 

C

#01/09 #9:41 #morning post #I guess #diary #journal #journal entry #c posts #life #new! friends! #university #lectures #it's september #how are we doing? #what are we thinking?

[everyday-effing-therapy]

30/08/2020

Hello, hello.

It’s the last day of my holidays and I can safely say that everything’s weird, but I guess that it’s the good weird, at least. 

I moved to my new room on Thursday and I do have some thoughts as it’s already Sunday, but I’ll get to them in the moment. 

My parents drove me to my new uni, we went through two countries and safely, albeit barely, we arrived. 

I was super stressed out during my first day of living in a new place, as I’ve never lived by myself and I was alone in a different country only a couple of times and also only for a fixed period of time. 

This one is not really fixed. 

When it comes to my parents, they helped me get unpacked in my room, then they left to their hotel and I went immediately to sleep, as I was completely tired.

Having said that, I was pretty disappointed, as I didn’t get to know many people on my first day. The corridor seemed to be really quiet and empty and the only people I met was a girl, that seemed not to happy to be talking to me for a longer period of time and a guy who was super nice but seemed to be pretty much older than me. He helped me a lot with the wifi though, as it was said that we were going to have that in our rooms, but we ended up not having it, just a socket in the wall. He lent me his own connection for the day, which was incredibly thoughtful.

Me and my parents woke up early on the next morning, as to get everything done. I registered in the municipality, went to a bank, we did some shopping, bought my textbooks, a router and then we ate lunch. After that, my parents decided to set off as they had another meeting in the evening and I went on a walk around the university buildings. 

So, all in all, I thought that I would be much sadder during their departure, but I was pretty much alright. I do miss them, but they call me everyday and I don’t really think that it’s all that bad.

After all, I probably would have moved out of my family home either way, either if I had decided to stay in my home country. It’s university and I guess, for me it was time to move out. Going abroad and learning how to be responsible for myself is a huge milestone. 

Besides that, I felt pretty down because I was afraid that I wasn’t going to meet anybody. Because of that I decided to join a student association and I enrolled for the evening where we are supposed to have the first official meetup. 

The tickets for the event disappeared pretty quickly, so I guess I’m really lucky that I got one for myself.

Apart from that, we had an online integration, which in itself wasn’t anything fun, as it was pretty awkward, but afterwards we created a groupchat and also other ones, so that we have a couple of places to communicate in. 

The international group from my course decided to meet up yesterday, in the early afternoon. We met up near the university building and stayed there for three hours just talking to each other. I laughed hard and felt some sort of comfort for the first time since I arrived.

We separated in the afternoon, so I studied for a little bit, as we’ve already gotten the reading that we should prepare for the first day and then I took a nap.

It was a great idea to take a nap, as the people decided to meet up again in the evening. They picked a lovely garden and at first I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to go, as it was far and I do not have any means of transport that I could use. 

Still, I was pretty desperate, painfully alone, my corridor was completely empty and I just had so much fun with those people, so I thought that I just needed to go.

Turned out that the walk wasn’t all that long and I arrived pretty much first. After that, I met a couple of people I haven’t seen earlier and we moved to sit on the bench. There, we started socialising and I can tell that it’s been the highlight of my stay here, at least so far. 

The people were super nice, it felt good to get to know them better, especially since they were supposed to go see a river today, but I wouldn’t be able to join them, cause I don’t have a way to get there. 

I guess that they’re not going though, cause the weather is horrendous. Despite that, I am super happy that I saw them yesterday evening, cause I sat with them for a couple of hours, we laughed so hard, just had the time of my life and I just felt so happy. 

I came back to my room after midnight and prepared myself for bed. I woke up today at around 9 am and actually got up around 10. Since then I’ve been mostly studying, watching YouTube videos, I washed my hair, prepared lunch for myself and finally got to meet more of my corridor-mates, as I hanged out with two girls while they were standing in the hallway. They are both older than me but super nice either way and it just felt so good to be able to finally talk to someone again. 

So far, I have to admit that it’s been getting better and better. I hope that it won’t change. To be honest, I am pretty stressed out about the lectures starting and a looming practical that I have on Thursday morning, so I need to step up my game, but apart from that, things are going better than they did. 

I am really glad that I moved out, that’s for sure. 

Having said that, I’m going to go. 

With love, 

C

#30/08 #16:31 #day post #diary #journal #journal entry #life #university #stresses and all #c posts #new! friends!

[everyday-effing-therapy]

20/08/2020

Good morning to all of you.

Oh boy, oh boy, are there things that I want to tell you.

Starting from Tuesday, me and my mom went to her best friend’s house. The friend’s name is Jo and I love her so much. 

Jo has two dogs right now, a golden retriever and a German shepherd, so I spent literal hours just playing with them. Me, mom and Jo went to get some dinner, visited a shop, went for a stroll and ended up coming back home. There, we had some drinks, told each other stories and we ended up going to sleep pretty early. 

I got really tired around just 10 pm, partially because I almost didn’t sleep at all the night before. I was constantly waking up, feeling very badly, totally anxious. I guess my subconsciousness woke me up and showed me things that I was so desperately trying to hide. 

I woke up a couple of times at night, drank water and fell back asleep. 

After we woke up, we watched some tv, which is an activity that I just never do anymore and then we ate breakfast. We left quite early, as me and my mom had a scheduled massage. 

The massage itself was fine, very pleasant and I found myself really in need of something like that. Still, the stress was really prominent in my body.

I sent in documents to my university, which is the last thing I needed to complete to get my proof of enrollment. They came in yesterday, which is good, but they hadn’t sent me back anything just yet. Moreover, the papers were stuck in the post office for a couple of days, which worried me too. 

Besides, I also got in Pharmacy studies in my home country, if something went wrong with my move, but I don’t expect it to. Besides, the deadlines are crazy short, therefore I am not going to suddenly find myself demanding a meeting with a doctor, as to complete all the procedures necessary for enrollment. 

I wrote to the university board today, asking them if they know any set date when I might get the proof of enrollment. I do hope they answer fast and that there won’t be any problems associated with that. 

After the massage yesterday, me and Silver were supposed to take our bikes and travel to V’s stable. I didn’t take a bike in such a long time that I simply didn’t believe that I could cover up such a long distance. V didn’t believe in me either, nor did my parents, but it was Silver who said that we will make it work.

I was really stressed out about seeing him, cause I knew that it will probably be our last time before I move and I didn’t know how to feel about that. I was also running a tad bit late, but at least he didn’t have to wait long for me. 

I ate dinner, he talked with my parents a bit and then we set off. The journey itself was fine, albeit tiring. We had a couple of stops here and there and when we finally arrived, I couldn’t believe that I actually did that. 

V was pretty surprised as well. 

So, it was pretty fun, we saw the horses, talked to V and her trainer, saw how she’s doing, watched her training and then decided to go home. 

At the end of V’s training though, Silver told me that he had something for me and that at first, he wasn’t sure if he should gift me anything, cause he didn’t want his girlfriend, Poppy, to be jealous. Since I am moving countries, he did want me to have something to remember him. He said that he doesn’t want me to ever forget him in the new place and thus, that present. 

The present was simple, but at the same time probably the most well-thought present of my entire lifetime.

There is this song called “red beads”, which was our song and we always danced to that. And you know what he bought me? Red beads exactly. A little necklace with them. Moreover, because it’s a folk song, he also bought me a folk type necklace that stems from our region. 

Believe me when I say that, I’ve never gotten such an important present. He was also afraid that I wouldn’t like it, how cute is that? 

Afterwards, he told me that he was really proud of the idea and that he even talked to his mom about it for a little bit. 

The route back home was twice as hard, but eventually, we managed to come back. While we were bidding our farewell, I invited him for tea or coffee, but he declined. Then, he proceeded to hug me, asked me not to forget him again, to have fun in the new country, spend at least the whole three years needed to get my bachelor’s and not come back after a year and for the red beads to remain being my favourite song. Then he thanked me for the day and left. 

Jesus. 

When I entered the house, I was in desperate need of eating anything. After that, I prepared myself for sleep. My legs hurt so much I was unable to walk any longer distance. I was meaning to prepare some painkillers, but I didn’t, so it was my fault, when I woke up at 3:30 am and had to go downstairs to get some, because the pain was unbearable. I also had nightmares, which was just wonderful. After I took the painkillers though, I started dreaming about different things and I had another dream about my ex-girlfriend. I don’t really understand the reason behind these dreams. Lord knows I had some meaningful ones with Silver, too.

So, I don’t know how to feel, but my friends are gushing about how sweet Silver is and my cousin also told me, that if I wanted she could come for a sleepover between Tuesday and Wednesday, which is pretty much what I didn’t even dream about, so I am really happy now. 

I hope that you are able to get some happiness too.

With love, 

C

#10:45 #20/08 #day post #diary #journal #journal entry #c posts #life #friends #dreams #best friend #boys boys boys #university #c is so frickin' lost #c is okay and you will be too

[everyday-effing-therapy]

15/08/2020

Hello,

I am a bit better today, which is fine.

I am in the middle of my online introduction days and so far, they’ve been going really nicely, although I did not get involved in all of the activities. My internet connection hasn’t been that good recently and because of that, I also wasn’t able to be as present during the online games.

Still, I watched the introduction, talked with the study advisor, saw a member of the student organisation, took part in a skype call for introduction and also for yesterday’s quiz.

People seem to be nice, which is a good thing and overall, I guess some of my questions were answered.

When it comes to the dog, I cried the whole Thursday, yesterday was a tad bit better and today was much better. I sometimes still forget that she’s not with us anymore, for instance, when I go grab a glass of water in the middle of the night, I forget that I don’t have to walk slowly as not to step on her, cause I simply won’t. After supper I still get urges to go feed her and I came to the conclusion that I was so aware of her presence in my life despite maybe not always thinking about it.

My mom is still really down about it, though. I can’t blame her, she’s been with my dog through thick and thin, it was her first dog ever. She cried today too and had lost two kilos, simply because of all the stress and tears. 

We visited my grandma today after we hit the gym, cause my grandma fell yesterday and has a pretty big wound on her face. She looks quite morbid, but thankfully feels okay. We ate some cake at her house, talked and then left. 

I declined the apartment that I was offered a couple of days ago, because it wasn’t that good and ended up seeing that they added lots of apartments, so hopefully I’ll win a different one tomorrow.

I’m currently trying to solve a couple of issues that arise while having to move abroad. It’s been... stressful, to say the least.

Fortunately, Drarry fanfiction is always there to save the day. 

I’ve been thinking of starting a studyblr when I start my university. I guess it might be an idea, although judging by how often I post here, I don’t know if it’s a good idea.

We’ll see, though.

It wouldn’t be on this blog, either way, I would probably create another blog within this account. 

I’ll see whether it’s possible and whether I am going to remain as motivated as I am today. 

For now, that’s all, I just wanted to tell you that I am okay or at least better than I was.

I still miss my girl a lot.

With love, 

C

#15/08 #17:42 #day post #journal #diary #journal entry #c posts #life #loss of a loved one

[everyday-effing-therapy]

Dear everyone, please help spread the news of what’s happening in my country, Thailand

I know that I mostly post studyblr contents, but the situation in Thailand has been getting worse and worse. Last night (August 12, 2020), police officers were seen around the dorm of Thai democracy activists, and they were (and still are) likely to be arrested because of speaking the truth. They are safe for now (August 13, 2020), but we are not certain about the future. And there’re many more democracy activists targeted by the authority.

There have been a lot of protests calling for political changes in the past few months. But almost all of the Thai media are corrupted and told not to broadcast anything about them. I myself have only seen the news about the protests from foreign news’ Twitter accounts.

Since almost all of my followers are from many countries, I’m begging you to please spread and reblog this post about the news about the current situation in my country. Here, we can be targeted just by criticizing the government or the royal family.

resources and news:

freedomforthai-en.carrd.co/

In Thailand, Students Take on the Military (and ‘Death Eaters’)

Thailand protesters ‘cross the Rubicon’ and risk all to criticise the monarchy

Thousands in Bangkok Rally Against Thai Government

Infographics about what’s been happening (Google Drive)

[everyday-effing-therapy]

13/08/2020

Hello,

Today wasn’t a good day. Hell, yesterday also wasn’t a good day. 

My emotions are all over the place right now. 

So, chronological order again.

Two days ago my exam results came in. I was literally sick in the morning and my dog was as well, which kind of made me laugh, cause although I was very worried, I also thought that my dog kind of felt the stress for me. 

Overall, my exams went well and completely not good at the same time. The basic levels went amazing - literature at 89%, when I was expecting around 75% (and would have been happy with that), mathematics at 96% - hoped for over 90%, so it’s super cool and then 100% at English, both basic and advanced. 

When it comes to advanced levels though... Maths went much better than I expected - 58% and to be completely honest I expected around 35%. Biology is 63%, which is around how I expected and then, unfortunately, Chemistry is at 50% and I truly expected something over 70%, so that’s the one that really didn’t go well for me. 

Either way, I received the diploma from my school, got my documents translated and sent them to the institution today.

Yesterday, we also had a small gathering that my friend held to celebrate us getting our results (sidenote - I do not live in the US, or any other country with a drastic rise of covid cases, so the small social gathering we took part in was legal and allowed by the government). 

It was really nice and I was so glad to see some of the people I missed, but unfortunately, yesterday was a horrible day. 

The thing is, my dog was feeling so bad, that my mom took her to the vet and yesterday, it turned out that she’s so ill that she might not make it. 

She was hurt, she was in constant pain and on top of that, she was already very old. 

We thought about it and ultimately, my mom decided that she doesn’t want to make her suffer any longer.

My dog passed away this morning, after over 13 years that she spent on this Earth. I loved her with my entire heart. 

I remember that I got her when I was just finishing kindergarten and our teacher said that I’ll probably start loving my dog soon. I remember that I thought that I had already fallen in love with her. 

She spent my entire primary school with me, then my junior high and lastly, high school. She was always there, missing me when I went away on holidays, being there when I came home late from the parties, breathing, steadily breathing. 

She was an angel and although my dad always said that he’s tired of getting up in the morning to feed her or to let her out to the yard, he started crying when she passed away and I saw him cry more in the past two days than in my entire life. 

I saw my parents cry, I cried as well and I don’t know how to deal with it. 

The memory of her is all around the house; in the hall where her mattress used to lay, the empty bowls that were located next to it, in the living room where another one of her beds always was, in the garden where her toys were just spreaded out, in the kitchen where we kept her meds and food, on the floor where her fur would fall, in the cabinets where we have her brushes, in the photos that we have of her, in the room where I currently have my belonging that I’m ready to pack and where she used to sleep. 

She’s everywhere. She’s seemingly everywhere and yet she’s nowhere and it hurts so fucking much that I can’t breathe.

I cried so much yesterday that I got a raging headache which I subsequently cured with some vodka. I almost got so drunk that I’d end up throwing up, but fortunately, that did not happen. 

I slept in V’s house, came home in the early noon and my dog was already gone. 

It saddens me that my parents didn’t wait for me, but maybe that’s for the best. I had already bid my farewell with her, I spent some solid time just rolling around the floor in the vet’s office, petting her head and trying to calm myself down. 

I’ve never seen her in so much pain and it hurt me to have to see her withstand that for even that long. 

I’m sorry that we had to make that decision and yet I don’t know how to feel. For the most part, it doesn’t feel real at all, except for the fact that every half an hour I just start crying. 

I don’t know how long the pain is going to be there. Maybe it’s better that she past away before I moved out, as that would certainly be a traumatising experience for her as well.

In the upcoming week I’ll be visiting my mom’s friend, we’ll stay the night at her place and there are going to be some dogs there, so maybe I’ll feel better. 

Some things end, so that other can start.

To end it all, I just wanted to say thank you, for listening, or in that case - reading. I am eternally grateful.

I remember when I was in primary school and we had a religion lesson. I remember that my teacher said that people go to heaven and we bury them to preserve the memory. Somebody asked about dogs and she said that she understands that some people like to have a place of remembrance for the dogs that they had, but the dogs probably don’t go to heaven. 

I felt personally offended and, shortly afterwards, due to lots of other reasons as well, I stopped attending religion classes. 

Cause if heaven exists, my dog is certainly there.

Farewell and until we meet again, honey.

I will always, always love you.

With love,

C

#23:47 #13/08 #night post #diary #journal #journal entry #c posts #life #grief #loss of a loved one #exam results #honestly i miss her so much #and she hasn't been gone for a full day yet #pets #ugly crying

[everyday-effing-therapy]

10/08/2020

Hello and good evening!

I am, well, beyond tired, as I’ve been for the past couple of days (weeks?)

It sucks to say, really, cause all that tiredness and stress doesn’t really benefit my health, but I can’t do much apart from waiting it out.

So, good things that happened since I last posted (or at least stuff that I remember):

1) I got my nails done, a beautiful, indigo-like colour, which makes me happy when I stare at my hands and I also always love meeting up with my nail-tech, cause she’s the nicest! Always listens to all my stuff and smartly comments on any issues I might want a comment for. 

2) I don’t have to pay 50 euros, that my university expected to get from me. They deleted the invoice and explained that today, which was a huge, huge, huge relief, cause I really didn’t feel like having to spend 50 euros for absolutely nothing. Cheers to the board!

3) The vibrator I bought is great. Periodt.

4) My prom partner bought me a really sweet pastry for my birthday, which I ate tonight with my parents and it was indeed really nice.

5) I got so many birthday wishes from my close friends, especially since people that are close to me either called me or wrote me long, meaningful messages, whereas the rest can just fuck off. Three of my friends from the seaside called, V and my other friend came to my birthday family party and I also got really meaningful messages from my best guy friend, my classmate and Su, also my friend’s boyfriend.

Black, Silver and Gold can just disappear, I guess.

6) My parents were super nice during my birthday party, made friends with my friends and I have to admit, this year’s birthday party was probably the best ever. Or at least one of the best. 

So, all in all, I don’t think that it’s all that bad. I am hoping that I’m not going to jinx it by being happy, I am just trying to put it into the universe, kind of make it happen. 

I’m not saying that it’s not good, but I’ve just been so stressed for the past weeks, that it’s been hard to believe that it will be alright.

And I know that it will, I am going to make sure that it will, I’m going to do everything in my power to be happy and there’s that. 

I am NOT going to focus on the bad things, cause who really cares and besides, I am not going to give those things more thought than I already did. 

So, tomorrow morning the end of school exam results will come in and I am positively petrified. 

I know that my friends are going ballistic, because their futures are being determined right now, but the good part of all that jazz is that my friends seem to be really there for each other and are offering mental support. 

I don’t know how I am planning to sleep tonight, but I am hoping that everything will turn out well. Currently, I’m on the phone with V, we’re talking, telling stories, laughing and I have a deep sense that what’s meant to be will be. 

Stay safe, drink water, don’t stress that much, if it’s physically possible.

With love, 

C

#10/08 #23:03 #night post #still 11 pm #diary #journal #journal entry #c posts #c is so frickin' lost #stresses and all #friends #school #exam season #the good things in life

[everyday-effing-therapy]

01/08/2020

Oh, hello there.

It’s August already. Time sure flies, as we’ve all experienced that in the past few months.

Tomorrow is my birthday and, as quite often recently, I have no idea how I’m feeling about it.

I love my birthdays, I really do, because I really enjoy being a center of attention, which is a trait that lots of people don’t have. It’s actually quite fine, cause thanks to that we are able to function as a society.

With that being said, I do acknowledge that I am getting older and quite probably, my birthdays will soon turn into something less pleasant. I guess my last birthday was the only one that I was truly awaiting and now it’s just going to go downhill.

Time has already been passing so fast that I am really afraid of how it’s going to feel now.

Tomorrow, I am going to hang out with my prom partner. He invited me to meet up with him at 11am, we are supposed to go to some breakfast festival, art gallery, cafeteria, take a stroll and catch a nice lunch at a Chinese restaurant.

I am not going to lie, I am really excited about that all and it does feel amazing that somebody is willing to go that extra step with me.

At 6pm my grandmothers are supposed to come to my house and we are going to celebrate with the cake and the whole thing. V is also invited, as well as my other friend.

Overall, it seems that it’s going to be an incredibly beautiful day, with a nice weather and great plans.

When it comes to me, I am still tired, apartment hunting is still going uneventful and sometimes I just want to cry. I have to remind myself of why I am doing all of that and that I genuinely believe I’m going to be happy in the future.

To calm myself down, I am currently listening to Taylor Swift’s newest album, Folklore, which is a beautiful piece of music. My favorite songs so far are “the 1″, “august”, “mirrorball” and “exile”, but I generally believe that the entire album is beyond amazing. I have been truly in love with Taylor for a couple of years, but since I watched “Miss Americana” I am feeling so much more for her and to be blessed with new music during those tough times feels like a wonderful gift.

Speaking about gifts, I guess the best one for me would be for my dreams to become true, which would probably, in turn, mean that I would finally be able to catch a nice apartment, translate my documents fast and be able to visit a spa with my mom and her friend. 

Just for the sake of my happiness, I did buy myself a vibrator, just in case I didn’t get any gifts. 

It will probably arrive on Monday. Hopefully, cause I really want to try it out, read lots of good things about it.

And if you want to post shit about how masturbation is a sin, then be a sweetheart and just click away, cause you’re not going to change my mind. More importantly, even WHO acknowledges and writes about the good effects and stress relief of masturbation.

Still, I think that the headache I currently have can only go away with sleep, that I didn’t get much of in the past couple of days and that I am certainly not going to get much of tomorrow either. 

Therefore, I am going to sleep.

Have the best day tomorrow and, if you want to be extra nice, wish me a happy birthday, even if that’s just in your head.

With love, 

C

#23:31 #01/08 #night post #journal #journal entry #diary #c posts #life #friends #stresses and all #c is very tired