erinsextherapist
Sex Talk
Candid comments about sexual health issues, dating, relationships.I'm a Clinical Sexologist, specializing in relationship styles, military life andrelationships, and matters of relatonship betrayal. All of my comments are based on my 20+ years of clinical experience and education in both mental health and sexual health from various professional organizations worldwide. Please feel free to use anything you see here to educate yourself! Connect/message/ask questions! With that said, none of this is a substitute for contacting the approriate professionals for help.
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Name something you have been wanting to put past you (yes, it can be a relationship)
What purpose did this serve for you in the past? How did the connection/association benefit you?
What value is added to your life right now?
What are the Benefits of letting go?
What Obstacles do you foresee, and some ways to overcome them?
Give yourself Permission to grieve and Celebrate!
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How do you experience the realm of mystery and paradox, when all the 4-D paths meet and merge in the center?
You may experience oneness and integration. You may experience extraordinary light and lightness of being. You may find yourself communing profoundly with your partner and with yourself. It’s a place of clarity and vision, magic, and unconditional love. The shadow side of the center includes hopelessness and utter despair.
There will be some sort of change that can promote communication
For more information on this interesting topic:
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Let's Talk About the Art of KISSING!
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Kissing is an art that people all over the world learn to master
What are the things that get in the way? What makes people feel insecure about their kissing skills:
Bad breath
Tongue out of control
Mouth open too much
Doesn’t know what to do with hands
Body is too stiff
Biting
Excessive Saliva
Lots of other things
HOWEVER, all of these things can be overcome, and you can become an expert!
Have good oral hygiene, facial grooming, and bodily hygiene.
Relax. Stop overthinking it. Don’t worry about a “next move”. Take some deep breaths so that you will relax. If you are relaxed, your hands will know what to do.
Read body language and facial expressions. Is the other person leaning into you? Touching you? Exposing the neck? Grabbing your hand and placing it on a body part? Be able to read flirtatious body language.
Don't lead with the tongue! Start with the lips only. Gently graze your lips over your partner’s. Touch the tip of your nose to the cheek. Gently kiss behind the ear or the neck. Follow your partner’s lead…
Slow and Gentle. Give little pecks all over the face — everywhere except the lips. As excitement grows, trace the outline of his/her mouth with the tip of your tongue. Your partner will be aching to really kiss you, but don't do it...yet.
Listen to what their mouth is telling you. The way your partner is kissing you is the way they want to be kissed. So pay attention to how and where they're kissing you. Is tongue being used? Is your partner kissing your neck? Are there little nibbles on the earlobe?
The French Kiss. Move on to open-mouth kissing. If he/she tries to French kiss you, pull away for a minute, then return to kissing. Be playful and work your partner into a frenzy.
Biting. Be passionate, but to be on the safe side, no biting unless you already know that’s what the other person is into. You can gently bite the back and shoulders, spots on the body that can take a little roughhousing. Place the skin lightly between your teeth, then run your tongue around the area and kiss it.
Light and Playful. Add some playfulness into the mix by gently sucking and lightly nibbling on the lower lip. Then a little bite.
Beyond the lips. Beginning with the lips is a great start. There are many other places to kiss: neck, cheeks, ears, shoulders, top of chest, back, and so, on and on….
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Secrecy vs. Privacy in Relationships
Secrecy involves deception and/or the intent to harm in some way.
Privacy involves boundaries and the expectations that one will respected by others.
When infidelity occurs, secrets are kept to deceive the partner from wrongdoing; When people are in relationships, they do not disclose everything about their past and have an expectation that those privacy boundaries will be respected unless they choose to disclose.
How do people violate privacy boundaries in relationships?
Going through each other’s phones, email accounts, social media accounts without permission;
putting tracking devices on cars, phones, computers;
contacting friends/family and asking questions without talking to a partner;
oversharing relationship information with others outside of the relationship
Does this mean secrets are being kept? Maybe/Maybe not….
Reasons people violate boundaries:
Anger,
Resentment,
Personality disorders (Borderline, Narcissistic)
Revenge
Attachment
Outside influences
Reasons people keep secrets:
Lack of trust
Poor timing
Irrelevance
Less attachment
None of other person’s business
Healthy secrecy and privacy management in a relationship
Communication is key;
Expectation management;
Create a foundation of mutual respect;
Having up front conversations in a relationship about any really rigid boundaries;
Learning how to manage the compulsion to have the porous boundaries;
Go to therapy if needed to iron out any anxiety or insecurities
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Questions Sex Therapists and Coaches are Asked
We get questions about people’s bodies, their relationships, their fetishes, their secrets, their fantasies, and so on. We get to use the same language associated with sex that people commonly do. We sit with our clients having conversations about fucking, and orgasms, and pussies, and asses, and dicks. It’s actually a fun job for the most part.
So, what are some of the most common questions we’re asked, and how do we typically handle those situations?
Keep in mind, each situation itself is unique at the time we’re asked to assess a problem. There are all sorts of evaluations done, questions asked, history taken, before we engage in any interventions.
1. Am I normal?
What exactly does “normal” mean? Who sets those parameters?
People constantly want to know if what they are doing, feeling and fantasizing about inside and outside of the bedroom is “normal,” whether it’s their level of desire or the shape and size of their genitals. The type of porn they like, or a fetish they have. If you’re happy, your partner is happy, you’re being safe, and have consent, do what you want. No one has a right to judge what’s going on in your sex life or bedroom, unless there’s some illegality involved.
2. Can I learn to orgasm...I’ve never had one?
A lot of people stumble upon “orgasm” during their childhood or teens while self-stimulating. I put “orgasm” in quotations because when the pleasurable sensations happen, you don’t know what it is, nor was there intent behind it. I’m normalizing what’s supposed to happen.
Becoming orgasmic is actually an intentional skill that can be developed. There are a number of techniques, especially breathing techniques. It’s a good idea to understand sexual anatomy and physiology (male/female). Example, the different parts of the penis, the location and function of the prostate, the differences between a clitoral and G-spot orgasm. It’s also important to be patient and have fun with the journey.
3. How can I give my partner an orgasm?
It’s important for the partner to already be orgasmic on his/her own, and be able to communicate well with the partner.
Same response as question number 2. Also don’t be afraid to use toys. Work with a therapist or a coach.
4. My partner never wants to have sex anymore. What’s wrong?
A whole lot of things can be happening here…. hormone or nutritional changes , like thyroid, testosterone, estrogen; nutritional deficiencies, like B-12, vitamin D); medical problems, like blood flow issues caused by hypertension, diabetes, heart disease; or side effects of medications, like antidepressants, or those for hypertension, depression, and anxiety. And of course stress, infidelity, and trauma might have an impact. This is a situation where licensed professionals are needed to help sort things out.
5. We watched this movie and want to try dominance and submission.
What’s in pop culture isn’t realistic. There’s way more to this than tying someone up, or whipping them with a crop. There needs to be education about the whole relationship power dynamic, and where you stand. There needs to be education on safety, consent, boundaries, and open communication. This isn’t as simple as people make it seem, nor should it be romanticized. Definitely work with a therapist or coach who specializes in the area.
6. Can we really recover after infidelity?
This can be tricky, but yes. There absolutely has to be work with a therapist. There has to be a reset to the relationship, and agreement to a clean slate moving forward. There also needs to be a mutual agreement to invest; the needed time and money to fix the relationship. Find professionals who specialize in the area, and someone who is best fit, vs always worrying about the cost. Also rethink having insurance cover this topic. What information will be shared? Ask yourself what’s your relationship worth?
7. How do we spice up our sex life?
Lots of ideas! Games, role playing. Date nights. Having small groups of friends over and playing games. Attending fun workshops. Attending couples retreats. Get a membership to a swingers club just to occasionally be in an adult atmosphere. Learn how to use different toys, lubes, etc. Read to each other (couples improvement books or erotica). Take a sex coaching program and do the assignments together. Hire a sex coach to help you host a party and let them teach a class.
8. How can I regain control of my erections?
Lots of things might be happening here. Is this about delayed ejaculation? Or inability to maintain an erection? Or ejaculating before you want to? Or having performance anxiety? Whatever it is, it can be addressed in therapy or coaching. Work with someone who specializes in the area.
9. I want to see my partner have sex with somebody else...is that normal?
Yep. It’s one type of relationship style. This one can either be called cuckolding, or hot-wifing, etc. depending on the circumstances. This definitely takes communication and education about consensual non-monogamy.
10. I like watching porn, but my partner doesn’t like it when I do.
There’s nothing wrong with watching porn as long as it’s legal, as long as it’s not preventing the person from functioning in other areas of life, and as long as it’s not replacing sex with the partner. Men tend to be more visual than women. Watching porn has nothing to do with their desire to be with someone else. Sometimes it’s just their me-time.
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It's not a DOORBELL!
The CLITORIS is the only part of the body that exists for only pleasure. It has about 8000 nerve endings, and despite popular belief, it's not just the little knob above the vaginal opening. The clitoris actually wraps around the walls of the vagina and is part of the vulva. It can be stimulated externally, of course, and internally with fingers, toys, and through the anus. Vulva owners generally experience orgasm from clitoral stimulation.
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Problematic sexual behaviors (OCSB-Out of Control Sexual Behaviors vs Addiction)
HOW WE ARE RETHINKING SEX ADDICTION, AND USING MORE SEX POSITIVE INTERVENTIONS FOR OUT OF CONTROL SEXUAL BEHAVIORS (OCSB)
Continue reading Problematic Sexual Behaviors.pdf
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Sorting out the concept of CONSENT
What is the definition of consent_.pdf
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What is Ethical Nonmonogamy?
In a nutshell...Read on!
What is Ethical Non-Monogamy_.pdf
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What is Sexual Health?
Check out the slide show to find out!
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Temptations and Aphrodisiacs
Click on the link below: foodie tips for the bedroom
Temptations and Aphrodisiacs - Copy.pdf
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Is Your Partner Your BFF?
Therapist Kennie Polit and Sexologist Erin Alexander talk about this interesting relationship dynamic. Click on the video link
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Different Perspectives on Infidelity
Sexologist, Erin Alexander, and Therapist Kennie Polit deep dive into this topic that is challenging for many couples. Take a listen!
Notes from audio:
Defining "infidelity", and using the word "cheat"
Myths/Facts:
If you really love your partner you will remain faithful (Myth)
Most men still love their partners when they step out (Fact).
We all agree on what counts as cheating (Myth)
Men usually have affairs with women they know (Fact).
Your partner will not stray as long as the sex life is exciting (Myth)
Women have affairs just as much as men, and their affairs an create the same level of damage (Fact).
Affairs can sometimes fix a marriage (Fact) ***NOT recommended!
People in happy marriages are safe (Myth)
Most married people just don’t have flings (Myth)
Possible negative consequences:
the offending party is demonized
3rd parties might be involved once there is either disclosure or discovery
possible separation and divorce, which may be compounded if children are involved
it becomes a “moral” issue and the person engaging in the behavior is shunned by friends/family
the faithful partner will begin questioning his/her own sanity or self-worth
if the unfaithful person is in the military, there may be legal/punitive consequences
Unfortunately, sometimes violence happens
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Relationship Red Flags (Dating)
Sexologist Erin Alexander and Therapist Kennie Polit talk about the various red flags that are often overlooked when people are dating. Take a listen!
In a nutshell:
Love bombing
Controlling behaviors (in any way)
Possessiveness and extreme jealousy
Deception (in any way)
Violations of boundaries (in any way)
Any type of alcohol/drug addictions
Untreated mental illnesses
Sexual incompatibility
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What's Stuck in Your Butt? Sexologist Erin Alexander has guests, William Lynch, a Sexologist from Georgia, and Kennie Polit, a Licensed Professional Counselor from Texas talking about the things people put in their backsides, and safer options for anal play.
Take a listen!
The group talks about pretty sensitive (and sometimes funny) topic, but they also provide tips on safety.
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Ready for a change in your relationship style?
FRANKLIN VEAUX’S MAP OF NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS
Get with your partner and start figuring out:
What is the vision of the relationship?
Who needs more exploration in the relationship?
What does "exploration" look like?
Are there written agreements and boundaries?
How will jealousy be handled?
How will broken agreements be handled?
When would it be time to see a sexologist to help sort it all out?
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Did you know all of these great things about rubbing one out?
Masturbation is good for stress management. You get a burst of dopamine and endorphins, followed by a reduction in cortisol levels.
It's certainly good for relieving sexual tension, especially when you are between partners, or are away from your partner.
Believe it or not, masturbation can help with sexual confidence because you're learning how your body works. It makes it much easier to communicate how your body works to someone else.
Masturbation is recommended by sexual health professionals to assist with treating problems like low libido, or arousal issues.
It helps with development and strengthening of pelvic floor muscles and the areas around the anus.
Masturbation can help you get to sleep because of the burst of dopamine, followed by the oxytocin.
And finally, because of the endorphins, masturbation is actually good for pain management (cramps and headaches).
So, enjoy the rest of the month of May!
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