enby-iggy

[enby-iggy]

Being aroace and an introvert is just a constant cycle of asking yourself "do I have a crush on this person? Or did I just get attached because they were the first person to reach out and talk to me and deliberately be nice to me when I didn't know anybody in this unfamiliar group of people"

#at least it's very true for me #big part of why I thought I was a lesbian for so long #introvert instinct to not only attach to the first person to be kind to you but also become so devoted as to be seemingly in love #ace #aro #asexual #aromantic #aroace #lgbtq #queer #introvert #introvert problems #iggy's sexuality

[enby-iggy]

You know those teen superhero/chosen one storylines where the parents are like "come on honey, you can tell me anything, i won't think of you any differently I'll love you all the same, you can be honest with me ❤️" and the teen is just like, no, not in this specific situation, you really would not understand and it isn't safe for me to tell you the truth right now. Or maybe they even consider it for a second, come this close to actually telling their parents the truth, but they just can't do it.

That's exactly how it feels to be trans that's exactly it

"Whatever it is I'll understand" "no, no you really won't." "I'll love you no matter who you are" "lying. Untrue. You don't know how much you won't love me." "You can talk to me about anything" "anything but this." Even like. Coming close to telling the truth before backing out. Seen that exact thing in movies and done it myself.

I always thought the kids were stupid for not telling their parents but by god I get it now.

#dunno what I'm trying to say in this post tbh. #I watched the second spider verse the other day and there was a scene like that and I could fill in that dialogue with miles saying #'I'm trans.' and it would have been the same fucking thing #I guess it all comes back to keeping secrets from your parents but transness in general is such a justified secret and I can't help but #come back around to it when the subject comes up #I'm constantly thinking abt it like just say it. just say it just rip the bandaid off stop keeping these secrets #but I can't #I can't do it #and by god does it hurt #lgbtq #pride #queer #iggy's gender #enby #trans #transgender #nonbinary #etc etc idk what else to tag #if ppl see this so be it idc

[enby-iggy]

I drew two characters. They are not interacting but I promise they are dating.

Sorry about the quality. Uh. Not much I can do about that it's a picture of a sketchbook

Text from the pictures under the cut cause I know my handwriting's unreadable

Lark Heralder she/any

pansexual | genderfluid | demiromantic

Likes:

writing, video games, playing piano, bird-watching, 90's anime, spending hours on bird Wikipedia pages, Priscilla <3

Dislikes:

writing (lul), transphobes, snakes, heights, Disney movies (with a passion)

favorite season: winter

favorite anime: Cowboy Bebop

DnD class/race of choice: Ranger/orc

Smash ultimate mains: Corrin, Ness, Banjo + Kazooie

favorite game: Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

favorite mythical creature: hydra

favorite animal: falcon

Priscilla Ratchet she/her

transfem | lesbian

Likes:

drawing, singing, video games, flowers, hiking, youtube documentaries, "girly" things, Lark <3, astronomy

Dislikes:

running, transphobes, small spaces, roaches, seafood, marvel movies, assholes on the internet

favorite season: spring

favorite anime: Sailor Moon

DnD class/race of choice: Druid/triton

Smash ultimate mains: Peach, Min-Min, Pit, Inkling

favorite game: Stardew Valley

favorite mythical creature: gryffin

favorite animal: bumblebee

#reblogging the lesbians for the queer sideblog #iggy makes art

[enby-iggy]

Fascinating that my gender posts get like 40-60 notes and my aroace posts get 0-30

#i mean im not gonna complain about it. im not that much of a baby #i guess gender struggles are just a lot more universal on tumblr tan aroace struggles or smth #kinda annoying tho. asexuality is already kind of an invisible sexuality and then most of my posts abt it get 0 notes it does not help

[enby-iggy]

Various asexual posting because it's been coming up a lot lately

I keep trying to drop increasingly more obvious hints to my family that I'm asexual and my family is just not picking up on it. I told my brother I had no idea what he was talking about when he said he was in a "horny mood" and he said "dang that must be a woman thing". I have stated multiple times things like wanting to wait until much much later to get married, how I can't wait to live by myself with no one else around, how I don't understand so many things about sex, and still my mother says "when you get married" on a near weekly basis like WHY is that a given still after everything I've said??

We've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer together (mom brother and I) (currently in season 4) and like, it's a good show but there's soooooooo much sex I always avert my eyes when possible. Like not only is the show so uncomfortably aggressively heterosexual but it's also just sexual in general and like, what do we gain from watching this? Can we please skip this part I do not care (I do not watch shows/movies with sex scenes in them usually. btw)

And then I just kind of also don't get the general romantic stuff going on in that show? Like they're in college where I am and Buffy is like getting so attached to men and getting so crushed when they let her down and I'm like. Girl there is so much more to life than boys!! Get a creative hobby!! Do something fun!! You don't just need a boyfriend all the time!!! So many people these days are just after getting their Other Person as quickly as possible and I'm just sitting here going, you're missing out on so much of what life has to offer when you do that. Life is so much more than kissing and sex like oh my god

In other news, after 3 long years of trying to figure out what the hell attraction is I've finally learned to distinguish finding fictional characters' designs appealing and being attracted to them. And tbh it feels good. I remember I used to be obsessed with this one character and then I found out she was 14 in canon and I felt really bad, but like, I was never attracted to her. I just liked the way she was designed. And now that I understand how this stuff works I can finally be okay with obsessing over the design of any character under the sun and not overanalysing whether it's okay to do that. I don't know why it took me this long to figure this stuff out. It feels so obvious in retrospect

#i am sooooooo aroace it's not even funny #iggy's sexuality #queer #pride #lgbtq #asexual #asexuality #aromantic #aro #ace #aroace #sexual orientation #romantic orientation #rambles #should i tag buffy in this #idk if you want me to tag it so you can block it or smth let me know?? is that how this works

[enby-iggy]

One of the annoying things about being trans is trying to use your chosen name as much as possible without getting caught by your parents. Like my chosen name is decently feminine so in a vacuum my parents might understand changing my name but considering my mom has always been on high alert about me if I told her I wanted to change my name she'd be like "TRANS??!?"

Anyways the worst part has got to be all the 6D chess I have to play choosing which people to use which name for. Like I've been going to another church to separate from my parents when possible, so since I was in a space away from them I decided to use my chosen name. But then my mom brought up the possibility of my brother joining me at the church I select, and if he does that, I have to use my given name. So I've been my given name there now.

But there's no chance my family makes it to school, so I've been using my chosen name there. But one of the people who used to work at McDonald's with me is in my class, so now I have to avoid talking to him so he doesn't find out I'm going by Kestrel instead of my given name. And there are just so many things like that. I can try to keep my spaces separate, but people just move around so much that I'm bound to encounter someone in the wrong space at the wrong time. So every introduction is such a struggle, trying to figure out if I can get away with my chosen name with them, or figure out if they're ever going to get near my family or the church people. And it's just ridiculous how much planning goes into this just trying to keep myself safe.

#iggy's gender #pride #lgbt #lgbtq #queer #trans #transgender #preferred name #chosen name #nonbinary #enby #the things they don't tell you about being trans

[enby-iggy]

Sometimes I really wish I was just a regular trans man. At the very least it would be a lot easier to explain to randos, or my parents, than whatever the hell I am now. At least I could just go "I'm transgender and a man" and my parents could be like "okay, fuck you, get out of my house you piece of shit loser" and be done with it, instead of the inevitable "I'm nonbinary" "what the fuck does that mean"

Cause like, I want to get top surgery, I want to get hormones, and I want to get masculine clothing, so like, that makes me a boy right? But I don't like he/him pronouns. I in fact like she/her pronouns more than he/him. And I'm fine if you call me them. But I prefer being called boy, guy, man, bro, dude, a lot more than girl, girlfriend, woman, lady, sis, female. And I want to change my name, but not to a boy's name, just to a fairly neutral name that's interpreted more often than not as feminine. I want to be able to wear dresses or cargo shorts. I want the kind of flexibility with my gender that no transphobic conservative will ever understand.

And that's what makes the idea of coming out to my parents in particular so hard. Not only do I have to tell them I'm not a girl, but I have to explain all the nuances and weird idiotic rules to my gender that don't make any sense to them. And even if I did just simplify to "I'm nonbinary" that still doesn't give them enough to work with. They don't even fully understand what that means. And of course they'd judge me for using they/them, because "it's supposed to be plural!!" and they'd judge me even more for using ve/vir, because "why are you making up words?!" and it's like. There's no possible point at which we can meet in the middle with an understanding. They will never understand. We are at opposite sides of a chasm and they will not build a bridge to get across, but my bridge won't reach all the way to their side anyway.

This is one of the many reasons I still haven't come out. Even once I move out of the house and start trying to change things I don't know how I'm going to make them understand. I think I owe it to them to at least try, because they've been good enough to me that cutting off contact entirely feels cruel. But I really don't know how I'm going to go about making them understand. I don't think they ever will. But to what extent I'm going to try, now that is the question.

#iggy's gender #lgbtq #pride #queer #trans #transgender #gender #enby #nonbinary #genderqueer #pronouns #gender identity #transmasc

[enby-iggy]

You know, I love being asexual. I love not having to worry about what I’m gonna do when I finally have to Do It, I love not worrying about being a disappointment in bed, I love not feeling like I have to force myself to engage in any sexual activity, personal or otherwise. I love knowing that my experiences are not unheard of and that I’m not broken or insane for being the way I am.

I honestly hate being aromantic sometimes. On the one hand, I want nothing to do with dating culture, and I’ve never really wanted to kiss or cuddle anybody or engage in anything like that. By all accounts the most I want is a Queerplatonic relationship. And that should be okay, right? Aro people exist, they aren’t weird or broken, so why can’t I be one of them?

But I really really wish I experienced romantic attraction. I really wish I was attracted to people. I really wish I had that same desire for relationship that others do, and I wish I could look at people and really feel something, not just looking at their features and finding them Nice. If I had a choice I think I would be lesbiromantic. I love attraction to women I would love to be an enby in a romantic relationship with a woman.

Part of me really hopes that I’ll eventually find myself to be demiromantic, or that when I go on T (for top surgery) it’ll awaken something in me. But there’s a good chance I’ll still be aromantic 5 or 10 years from now. And it’s a journey, so maybe by then I’ll be happier with myself. But right now, I can’t help but mourn the loss of something I never really had to begin with.

#iggy's sexuality #lgbtq #pride #queer #asexual #asexuality #aromantic #aro #aroace #queer journey #sexuality #romantic orientation #attraction #idk what else to tag this #melancholic midnight posting #I doubt this post will take off like my other one. #it probably isn’t hashtag relatable lol it’s just me complaining #if you’re aro and you see this im really sorry #yeah. that’s it goodnight

[enby-iggy]

Im going to try and explain my gender to the 0 people who are paying attention to this blog, because I deserve to ramble a little bit I think

For context I'm afab. I've pretty much always known I wasn't a man, which is a big part of why it took me so long to question my gender at all. I specifically remember seeing the term transmasc online when I was first discovering queer terms and being like "hmm I wonder if that could be me" and then looking it up and seeing it listed as a synonym for trans man and just being like "oh ok then guess im still cis". I didn't start seriously questioning until like. April of this year I think

I don't know why it took me so long to consider the idea of being nonbinary, but it was actually a conversation with some of my trans friends that made me consider it. I remember saying something like "I may be cis but I'd trade my female body for a completely neutral one in a heartbeat" and one of my friends was like "r u sure ur cis lmao". Silly stuff. My whole thing was like, I want a body that looks like nothing, that I can make look like anything. If I want to wear mens' clothes I don't want boobs that get in the way of that. But I want to be able to wear a dress and not have like, idk body hair and a dick getting in the way of that. And I said stuff to my friends like, I don't rly want hormones but Id wear a binder to look more neutral, Id voice train and get my voice deeper, that makes sense right

My biggest hangup was on pronouns, because I was REALLY proud of being a she/her. But I decided, hey I can't knock they/them until I try it right? So I proposed a they/them test for a week, and never looked back lmao. I went through a phase of absolutely despising she/her for a month or two, but I've since made up with the pronoun set as you can see in my bio. She/her and I are good friends now we've settled our differences <3

Putting the rest under a cut for the sake of my 2 followers' TLs not being flooded because I still have much to say

My gender is very multifaceted, but in the physical realm you could call me transmasc. It took me a while to realize but I hate my boobs (or rather, took me a while to realize that disliking your boobs is not normal lmfao), to the point where I very quickly went from "eh I might get a binder for some outfits" to "I NEED to get top surgery". I'm also not a fan of my hips and ass, never have been but I don't think there's much I can do about that one. I also have solid evidence for vocal dysphoria, in that I can remember a specific time as a kid where I learned that your voice sounds deeper to you than it does to other people because of the way you hear it through your skull. This disappointed me GREATLY because I always prided myself on the idea that I had a boyish voice. I do think I'd like to train my voice lower, if possible. Lastly for physical dysphoria I've always had a thing about my height, but I mostly learned to ignore it since boys LOVE to make fun of girls (and other boys I suppose) for their height. I learned to shut it out and make fun of myself as well as a coping mechanism, because it really did and always has bugged me. But what can I do, I've 5 foot even at 19 years old and it doesn't seem to be changing any time soon.

As for my internal experience of gender...I think this low-quality ms paint chart will explain it best.

Basically my gender exists on two simultaneous sliding scales--one of them a distinctly gendered outside-of-binary gender that I'm choosing to call neutrois, because it's an existing term that works for what I'm talking about. The other gender is a female-aligned gender that is distinct from cisgender femininity but is still feminine in nature, which I am choosing to call femme because I hate the words woman and girl and female in relation to my own gender. I can experience both of these scales at maximum intensity--bigendered as both neutrois and femme at the same time--or minimum intensity--essentially agendered, no distinct experience of gender either way--OR I can be some strange combination of these, such as minimum femme and maximum neutrois or half neutrois and full femme, etc. I've found that the strength of ANY gender fluctuates over longer periods of time, in that I tend to feel low amounts of gender for a period of about two weeks, followed by higher feelings of gender for about two weeks, during which the relation of femme to neutrois fluctuates on a daily basis.

As for labels, the best way I can think to describe this is bigenderflux, and also demigirl (or demifemme, as I prefer to call it). But for obvious reasons I usually just call myself nonbinary. I also like terms like librafemme, describing the property of being both agender and feminine, and juxera, describing the property of being feminine aligned in a way that is different from the way cis women are feminine. But it's...hard to label.

The funny thing about this is that it doesn't really line up with my gender expression much at all. There are days that I'm feeling fully agender or fully neutrois, and am strangely in the mood to wear a dress. Or days that I'm feeling mostly femme and want to present like a boy. So realistically my gender doesn't really have any bearing on anything at all. But I like charting it, because a few months ago if I'd woken up feeling feminine I would have spiraled into a panic about how I must be faking being trans. But this allows me to understand myself and predict how I'll feel so I know that when I feel a certain way, that's normal and part of who I am.

I feel like I had more to say in this post but I guess this is purely a gender summary. Now you know I guess

#iggy's gender #queer #pride #lgbtq #trans #transgender #transmasc #enby #nonbinary #agender #neutrois #femme #gender #demigirl #bigender #genderflux #juxera #that's all the tags i can think to add #if anyone sees this post hi hello #yeah.

[enby-iggy]

Whoops I forgot about this blog LOL

[enby-iggy]

Think I'm gonna kick off this blog with a brief history of my sexuality journey. It's a lot easier to explain than my gender, that's for sure.

CW: somewhat-explicit sex discussion

So back in pretty much pride month of 2021, when I was 16, I began questioning my sexuality. The way I defined sexual attraction was very vague, so I figured I liked men because there were some men I enjoyed looking at and I sometimes had a crush on certain boys. But then I started to realize that I also liked the way certain women looked too. So naturally, I was bisexual, right? That's the label I chose to use for an entire year, at least.

Around pride month 2022, I sat down and thought about it and realized that I neither wanted to have sex with, nor marry, a man, at least in conceptual theory. And I mean, most of my crushes as a child were spawned by a family member suggesting that I liked a boy or by a boy expressing feelings towards me and me feeling the need to reciprocate. Besides, there was that one girl I liked in high school, right? I acted pretty gay around her, so that must mean I'm a lesbian, right? Once again, this was a label that stuck strong for almost an entire year.

[cw: sex] Eventually around April of this year I began to do some research into asexuality and was surprised to find out a lot of things about sexuality that I didn't know before. Like, for example, people get sexually aroused just looking at other people? That's....I've never experienced that, that's for sure. Furthermore, people actually like to fantasize about having sex with another person? That's not something I ever did. I used to imagine fictional characters having sex sometimes, but I could never truly get myself into a similar situation--it always felt dirty and just plain weird. It was due to this that I decided to label myself "aegosexual," but the more I embraced my asexuality the less I found any desire to seek out sexually-explicit content or fantasize about this content, so I've since abandoned this label in favor of the more generic asexual label. [end cw]

As for my romantic attraction, I first tried on the demiromantic label, thinking that the reason for my "crush" on that girl in high school was that I'd known her well, and thus was feeling romantic attraction. Around this time, I also gained a brief "crush" on a coworker, and so I instead shifted around to biromantic. I stuck with this for about a month before doing even more research and coming across the term "squish," which is apparently a term for when you want to get to know someone better, and feel kind of awkward about it, but don't feel an ounce of sexual or romantic attraction to them. This explained....SO much. And it validated my misgivings about the concept of kissing and cuddling too. So finally I settled into my new label as an aroace. And may I just say, it fits incredibly well. My life makes a lot more sense through this lens.

If I had any takeaways from this, it's that I think we need to explain how attraction works to more people because I kept finding experiences and labeling them as attraction. That would have streamlined my process a lot. Also, it's 100% okay to not be interested in sex or even just marriage, dating, or kissing. Friendship is where it's at, baby.

#iggy's sexuality #sexuality #asexual #asexuality #aromantic #aromanticism #ace #aro #aroace #attraction #orientation #queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq community #lgbtq positivity #pride #cw sexual themes