duke-duke-the-cuc

[duke-duke-the-cuc]

The Paper (Book 2 of The Rock Trilogy): Part One: Flaming Homosexual

A year after that fateful boat party that resulted in the murder of John Mulaney, Leila and Claire receive a mysterious piece of paper. It is a dark and stormy night and the two friends are running back to Claire’s house from the park to take shelter from the storm when a soggy paper airplane cuts through the rain and hits Claire in the face. 

“What the fuck?” Claire pauses briefly to pick up the paper, before they run the rest of the way to her house. 

Once they’re in Claire’s living room, warm and dry with a Harry Styles song on in the background, they unfold the paper and read the words. The swirling black ink is un-smudged, spelling out words in Latin: 

Secundum omnes leges notae

of aviation;

non est apis modo

si fugere possit.  

Alae eius nimis parvae sunt ut

adipe corpusculo de terra.  

Apis utique volat 

quia apes non curamus

id quod homines putant esse impossibile. 

Faciam vineam!

Leila and Claire speak the words aloud as they read it, trying their best to sound out the words. As soon as they’ve finished, the paper bursts into flames and crumbles to dust in their hands. 

Before they have a chance to react, Lin Manuel Miranda appears in a great beam of light in front of them. He looks furious. “What have you done? This isn’t what I wrote!” The ground begins to violently shake beneath them. “You’ve unleashed a great evil. Now you must find out who it’s possessing and get rid of it.” Within seconds Lin Manuel Miranda vanishes into thin air and the two are alone again.

“Yes king, give us nothing,” Leila says to the empty space where Lin Manuel Miranda just was. 

“Okay… How the hell are we supposed to find out who’s been possessed by a great evil?” Claire mutters. 

Suddenly the shaking stops and the only noise that can be heard is a ding from a cellphone. Leila grabs her phone out of her pocket to see two Twitter notifications: a tweet from TMZ of photos of Harry Styles and Tony Stark kissing outside of a gay bar and another tweet from Harry himself coming out as gay. Harry’s tweet reads: ✨Hey gutter sluts🥰💅 its queen Harry👹😈 I'm comingI'm coming💦 out as a flaming homosexual🏳️‍🌈👹🤢❤️🥰🔥🔥✨ P.S. I’m bald lol🧑🏻‍🦲🤢🫥

Claire reads Leila’s phone over her shoulder. “Okay, so I think it’s safe to say that the demon is in Harry Styles?” 

Leila nods, still in shock from the Twitter threads she had seen. “Wait, I thought Tony and Harry broke up after we killed Larry, and Harry rejoined One Direction.”

“Yeah, well, apparently they’re back together now, I guess,” Claire says. “We should reach out to - wait, I don’t think we ever got Tony or Harry’s contact info…”  

“We have Taylor’s number, she knew Harry pretty well. Maybe she can help us?” Leila suggests, already dialing Taylor’s number. She presses call and puts it on speaker. 

Taylor answers after the third ring and says immediately, “You’re calling about Harry’s tweet, aren’t you?”

“Yes, we are. We think he’s possessed by a great evil we accidentally unleashed,” Claire explains. “Can you help us find him?” 

“I don’t know much, but I can put you in contact with Louis. He and Harry have been dating this past year,” Taylor tells them. 

Once Claire and Leila get the information they need, they hang up the call. Eager to find more clues, the girls dial the number Taylor gave them, but they’re immediately sent to voicemail. 

“Maybe we should text him first,” says Claire. 

Leila begins to type out a message to Louis: Hey girly it’s Leila and Claire, we know Harry and we think he’s possessed :( call us back XO

The phone instantly rings. Frantically, Leila picks up.

“Wot do you know, bruv?” Louis says the second they answer. 

They briefly explain how they know Harry and the last places they saw him. Then they tell Louis to meet them at the gay bar from the paparazzi photos, deciding on the spot that that’s where they’re going to check first. 

After a quick google search, Claire and Leila arrive at the gay bar only to discover it’s more of a house. Inside, Millie Bobby Brown is singing Eddie’s Song on karaoke. “Eddie, baby, I just saw Steve -” she sings, then pauses when she sees them enter and shouts, “Hey! Welcome to my house!” 

Leila turns to Claire and is happy to see that her friend’s expression mirrors her own confusion. They find Louis cheering wildly as Millie’s song ends and they go over to him. Harry is nowhere to be seen, so the three of them decide to split up and wander the bar asking people if they’ve seen him or have any idea where he went. Someone says they’re pretty sure they saw him go outside with Tony about an hour ago, so Leila, Claire, and Louis all head outside to search the acre of forest in the backyard. 

“Wait a second,” Claire notices. “This forest looks super familiar.” 

Leila looks at the nature surrounding them and the memories flood back. “This is where we were magically transported back when we got our powers from Tony!” 

As if on cue, they turn through a line of trees and find themselves right in front of Harry Styles and Tony Stark making out against a tree, just like they had on that very first day. 

Louis storms up to the pair and slaps Harry across the face. “You bloody cocksucking wanker! You-“ Before he can finish his sentence, Harry snaps his fingers and Louis collapses to the ground, out cold.

“Damn, he didn’t even get to call you a cheating slag,” Claire comments, having read Louis’s mind.

Harry turns to look at the girls and smirks. Not knowing what to do, the girls begin to run back inside the gay bar to buy them some time. They run into a random room and quickly lock the door behind them.

“Okay so we know it’s in him, now how do we get it out of him without killing him?” Leila breathes, winded from running.

“We could do an exorcism,” Claire suggests, also out of breath.

“I mean...wait, how would we even do that?” Leila questions.

“Well, I may or may not have the exorcism they use in Supernatural memorized,” Claire admits. “I don’t know if it would actually work, though.”

“Well we don’t really have much time and it’s worth a shot so why not.” 

They nod in agreement and unlock the door. Hiding in a dark corner of the room, they wait for Harry to find them. It’s not long before the door knob turns easily and Harry’s evil laughter can be heard. The floors creak slightly as Harry walks into the room and shuts the door.  

Claire immediately takes a deep breath and starts reciting, “Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica.” 

Harry starts to screech inhumanly and a black smoke billows from his mouth. The smoke twists in the air before slipping through the cracked open window and disappearing. Harry crumples to the floor. 

“Oh, wow.” Claire blinks in surprise. “I didn’t think that would actually work.” 

“Well it worked in the sense that the evil is out of Harry…however now it could be in literally anybody,” Leila says. 

“I mean, yeah, that’s how it worked in Supernatural too. They couldn’t actually kill the demons without, like, a special knife,” Claire explains. 

“Well last I checked we don’t have that special knife.” 

“Oh right. Shit.” 

TO BE CONTINUED…

#the rock #harry styles #evil harry styles #tony stark #tony x harry #supernatural #crackfic #millie bobby brown #louis tomlinson #lin manuel miranda #taylor swift #demons

[duke-duke-the-cuc]

The Rock: Part Five: No Body, No Crime

(part one, part two, part three, part four)

----

The Girlbosses soon move their discussion to Kim’s house, which Kanye lives across from, and begin to plan how to get rid of John and Pete for good. 

“We could try talking to them…or at least Claire and Leila…” Anna says, looking around for the others' reactions. Leila and Claire look at each other knowing exactly what needs to be done. 

“Nah, we literally just have to kill them,” Claire states. 

After a little while of everyone throwing out ideas of how to kill John and Pete, The Girlbosses finally come to an agreement on the perfect method and spend the next few hours developing a plan around it. 

Their plan involves setting up a party, so the next day the Girlbosses sneak into a college computer lab to create the invitations. After some quick recon on campus, they decide to stage the party as a frat party thrown by the worst, most disgusting and evil fraternity. Using some random graphic design program already installed on the college computers, they begin crafting the invitations. 

For inspiration, Claire looks up frat party invitations on google images. “Okay, so it looks like the typical theme is America and beer so what if we write like ‘Epic American Beer Party, bring your own flag if you’re cool!’ or something,” she jokes. 

Leila laughs, “Ooh, or like ‘Alpha Alpha frat party, free entry for women who show their tits.’”

Taylor is laughing so hard she’s trying to catch her breath, “And the men will totally fall for it.” 

“Oh yeah, John will definitely love that,” Anna agrees. 

Kim, however, does not join in their amusement. She rolls her eyes, “You are not taking this seriously. It’s like nobody wants to work these days.” Then she gets up and dramatically storms out. 

“Um…okay, anyways…” Claire says, beginning to type out the invitations. 

They set the party date for next Friday to give themselves time to set up the rest of their plan. While Claire, Leila, Tayor, and Anna work hard to set things up, Kim has been completely ghosting them. After a few days of not hearing from Kim, the rest of the Girlbosses decide to assume that she’s just totally ditched them and work on inviting some of their other famous friends to make sure this party is still going to be legit. 

Kim’s POV

After I heard Leila and Claire’s story about how they got powers, I couldn’t just sit around on my ass all day, I needed to get to work. Hearing their plans on how to take down John and Pete literally made me so sad because I’m so much better than them. John and Pete are mine to kill now, so I thought back to all of the men I’ve killed and I decided it would be so much easier to get the job done without the other girls if I had powers too.

I went over to my expensive computer and went into a secret browser only famous people have, to find Tony and Harry. Instantly a website popped up called harryandtonymagic.org and I knew that was just what I was looking for. I scrolled through the site and read ALL about their mission to give every powerful person magical powers. Quickly, I scrolled to the bottom of the page to find any address I could find them at, but there was nothing except a weird link. Feeling brave I decided to click it because I’m a rich and famous icon. The second I clicked I was transported into the living room of a small mansion and figured if they sucked me into my computer they’ll come to me.

A few minutes went by in complete silence until I heard footsteps coming down the hall. The footsteps grew closer so I decided to stand up and look fierce. From the hallway appeared Tony Stark and Harry Potter in matching pjs, both of them covered in hickeys. Their eyes met mine with a look of confusion and shock.

“OH….we weren’t expecting anyone….you must uh…be from the link,” Tony stuttered 

“Absolutely I am, and I’m here because I love your mission to make powerful people more powerful.” 

Tony and Harry looked at one another and back at me as if I wasn’t here the whole time waiting for a response.

“Ah yes…so you’ve read the site, well come with us…I guess.” 

Tony started down the hallway with Harry following close behind him whispering things I couldn’t really hear but I didn’t care, I was about to get powers and get my way. We got to the end of the hall to a locked door that looked super old and like not in the cute vintage way. Harry grabbed out his magic stick and said some nonsense words and the door swung open. The door revealed one of those rooms from Fifty Shades of Grey but like way more kinky? Tony walked over to start up the equipment while Harry was preparing the table. Harry waved me over to the table and laid me down. He began to connect wires and tubes to my head and right before I could say anything I blacked out. 

My eyes fluttered open to a crazy bright light, causing me to shut my eyes again. I started to adjust and opened my eyes again to see that I was outside! The crazy light was just the sun. I started to remember what happened before I knocked out and realized those crazy people tried to kill me, Kim Kardashian. A rage filled me when I realized I was scammed, so I did what any normal person would do in a time of rage, lifted up a tree and threw it. After I threw the tree I thought about how I possibly did that, could it be all the weights I lifted? Or did they really give me powers? Without hesitation I ran out of the forest I was in to find my home so I could plot my attack.

I decided it would be easiest if I had Pete in my sights so I invited him over to ask a certain question. He arrived shortly after I called because he’s a simp like all men, and we sat down to talk.

“Pete I love you more than anything ever, even more than my kids, you’re so emo and punk, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted,” I told him. He looked at me hopefully with his empty eyes. 

“Will you make me the happiest Kardashian and move into my huge mansion my ex husband bought and made me?”  

The room was silent until Pete jumped up from his seat and squealed like a little girl. I obviously knew his answer was yes so I moved onto the next step in my plan. Getting him to go along with it would be easy, doing it however, not so easy. 

The day before the party, I started telling him how sexy the branding of my name was on him and how I wanted to get one of his name but I needed to know where he got it done. He told me the name of the guy in a second and wrote down the address too. Now was my chance to go.

As I approached the building, I held tightly onto my bag because I was in downtown LA, it is NOT safe. I opened the door and found a whole variety of things to brand people with. I talked with the man and bought a few. He told me how to use them all and said to be careful but he didn’t realize I’m literally magical now. I knew going home tonight would be too risky so I told Pete I was taking my private jet to a tropical island so he would have the house to himself, knowing exactly what that would lead to. 

I woke up to my alarm, my ex-husband's song Eazy, and was instantly prepared to kill and beat Pete Davidson’s ass. I gathered all my things and headed to my private jet. Today is the day. The jet took off and we headed to the party. I texted Pete to make sure he was ready and of course he was not so he texted back saying he would be ready right away. I am so glad I’m killing this man.

When the jet landed I quickly got up and made my way off. While I walked down the stairs I noticed Pete was waiting for me by the limo, now was as good a time as ever to get this over with. He started running to me like a dog and hugged me once I was within arms length.

“I missed you so much Pete, I have a surprise for you,” I started, in a sing-song voice. He started jumping up and down and screaming like a little girl and stopped once he saw me reach for my bag. I pulled out the bigger branding of my name from my purse and he gasped.

“OH MY GOD BABEEEEEE, HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANTED ANOTHER ONE?” he ripped his shirt and laid down instantly, this was going to be easier than I thought. I brought out the torch from my bag and started to heat it up. Once it was radiating heat from really far away I knew it was done. I shut the torch off and went straight up to him and shoved it in his chest, which went straight through his skin and branded his heart. He was dead within seconds and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. Before I left I noticed his eyes had writing on them saying ‘fuck Kanye’. So glad I don’t have to deal with him anymore. I cleaned myself up and made my way to the party. Next up, John Mulaney.

Unknown POV

The rest of the Girlbosses arrive at the party, which is already in full swing, just like they’d planned it. Celebrities and frat bros alike are partying it up on the boat. Hank Green and Indiana Jones are making out. They spot John Mulaney among the crowd, but there’s no sign of Pete Davidson or Kim Kardashian yet. 

Kim finally shows up a few minutes later. Claire approaches her, “Hey… Where have you been? And where’s Pete?” 

“Oh, Pete’s dead,” Kim states, “I literally just killed him like ten minutes ago.” 

“What about our plan, though?” 

“My plan was better.” 

“Okay, whatever,” Claire rolls her eyes and rejoins the rest of the team. 

Since everyone they’d planned for was now onboard, Taylor starts to drive the boat out of the harbor and on to the ocean. Once they’re out in deep waters, their plan truly begins. 

Who Run The World (Girls) by Beyonce starts playing and the Girlbosses all look at each other. This is their signal. They all simultaneously start running at John Mulaney. John instantly jumps and begins to run. 

Suddenly the song changes, interrupting their vibe. Kim Kardashian has taken over the DJ booth and has started playing Boss Bitch by Doja Cat instead. Both the Girlbosses and John Mulaney stop in their tracks. 

“Kim, what the fuck?” John says. 

“Well, this was the song I imagined killing you to in my head,” Kim states. 

They don’t even get the chance to argue with her before Hank Green decides to knock her over and change the song back to Beyonce. 

“Thanks Hank!” Leila says, and the Girlbosses resume their chase.

They chase John up onto the deck. Anna delivers the first punch, her fist cracking across her ex’s face. She keeps beating on him, pushing him back towards the railing. He puts up a struggle, but he’s no match for Anna. Once his back is against the railing, Anna shoves him over the edge. 

John falls into the water with a splash. When he surfaces, he looks at the Girlbosses incredulously. “You idiots know I can swim right?” 

Claire approaches the railing. She stares him dead in the eyes and uses her mind powers. “Actually, you can’t.” 

John immediately begins to flounder, splashing frantically and ineffectively at the waves. Taylor then turns the boat around and drives it right over him. The boat’s propeller chops him into tiny pieces. The water around the boat is tinged red with his blood. 

“Good thing my daddy made me get a boating license when I was 15,” Taylor says. 

“No body, no crime,” Anna agrees. 

The Girlbosses all return to the party. I’m a Believer by Smash Mouth begins to play and everyone simultaneously breaks into a dance number, the choreography coming together through an indescribable shared instinct. 

Ah. This is where I, Lin Manuel Miranda, come in. Using my godly powers, I appear in the middle of the dance floor as the musical number stops. My boyfriend, the god Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson appears beside me. 

“Behold,” I say, “It’s me, Lin Manuel Miranda. I am your god. I have been telling your story all this time.” 

THE END… OR IS IT?

#john mulaney #taylor swift #anna marie tendler #kim kardashian #tony stark #harry potter #tony x harry #tony stark x harry potter #lin manuel miranda #the rock #dwayne johnson #Dwayne The Rock Johnson #lin manuel miranda x the rock #fanfic #crackfic #hank green #hank green x indiana jones #self insert

[duke-duke-the-cuc]

The Rock: Part Four: The Girlbosses

(part one, part two, part three)

----

They all look up to see Shrek in all his green ogre glory glowering at them. The ogre is flanked by Pete Davidson and Danny Devito who are both looking mournfully at the two halves of Larry’s lifeless body. Tears are streaming down Danny’s cheeks and Pete’s eyes look impossibly hollow. 

Claire stares at all them, head tilted in confusion as she tries to make sense of the thoughts in the newcomers’ minds. “Okay so…” she glances at Shrek, “Larry was somehow your brother and you want to avenge him?” She looks at Danny, “And he was your ex who you still love?” She looks towards Pete, “And you’re also Larry’s ex but you’re upset because we killed him first instead of you?” Then she turns to look back at her friends, “Yeah, I think we’re gonna have to fight them.” 

Shrek and Danny suddenly look nervous. Pete blinks, “Yeah, I mean we were gonna fight you but how did you know that?”

“Oh, I have mind reading powers,” Claire says, “But just wait until you see Leila’s powers.” 

Leila charges at them. Shrek and Danny shake themselves out of their fear and charge too. Pete gives them all one dark look and silently slips into the shadows. Arms outstretched, Leila slams her hands into Shrek and Danny’s chests, her powers slicing straight through their hearts. Now there are two more dead bodies on the floor. 

Tony Stark looks at the carnage with a satisfied nod, “Looks like our mission is finally over.” 

“So we can go back to normal life now?” Leila asks with thinly veiled relief. 

“Yeah, I have to get back to the Avengers anyways,” Tony says. 

“And, Claire, you know I love you, but I have more bad guys to defeat in other places,” Wonder Woman adds. 

“I love you too, Claire, but I should be getting back to Emma and Rikki,” Cleo chimes in. 

“And I have shows to do. You know, the ones I neglected while I was evil,” John says. 

“Actually, I think I’ll stick with you guys for a bit. I haven’t got anything better to do,” Harry shrugs. 

“Yeah okay,” Claire says, “We’ll see the rest of you around then, I guess. Cleo, Wonder Woman, call me.” 

Everyone except for Claire, Leila, and Harry scatter once they all exit the boat. The three of them that are still left walk for a bit down the street, just talking about their recent adventure. Then they notice a car slowing down and pulling over beside them. Leila and Claire look at the car warily, moving away from it, but Harry grins. “Wait, guys, I know this car.” 

The car’s windows roll down to reveal Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Zayn Malik, and Louis Tomlinson. “Hey, Harry! We’re getting the band back together, mate!” 

Harry looks at Claire and Leila who just shrug and nod. Without a second thought he hops in the car and takes off, leaving the two girls alone. 

Claire stares at the sidewalk nostalgically, “Remember the last time it was just the two of us on a street like this and you tripped over a pebble that gave us powers?”

“Yeah,” Leila nods, also staring at the sidewalk in reminiscence. 

While the girls are lost in the memory, Leila happens to trip again, this time over a passerby’s foot. The woman whose foot she tripped over immediately turns around to help Leila up, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” 

“No, it’s my fault really, I wasn’t paying attention,” Leila says. Then she looks up and notices who it is, “Wait…aren’t you Anna Marie Tendler?” 

John Mulaney’s ex-wife looks uncomfortable. “Yeah… and you two were the girls with John when he caught me with Timothee…” 

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Leila tells her, “But, you know, after that, John kind of helped us save the world and we got really…close.”  

“Oh. Well, I’m glad you were there to help him get back on track,” Anna says, “I was worried about him when he started getting evil and just left.” 

“Yeah, he’s all good now. He’s not evil anymore,” Leila says. 

Leila and Claire spend the next few minutes catching Anna up on everything that’s happened in the past few days. Anna then tells Leila about the signs that led up to John Mulaney’s evil episode and the two of them exchange contact information just in case. Not thinking much of it, Claire and Leila continue on their way back home to resume their normal lives. 

~ONE YEAR LATER~

On the year anniversary of that fateful day when Leila tripped over a pebble and changed their lives forever, Leila and Claire decide to meet up and get 7-11 slurpees again. As they’re sitting and talking, Leila mentions that John has been kind of off lately. 

“I just hope nothing like what Anna said happens anytime soon,” Leila says. 

“It should be fine,” Claire reassures her, “Our days of adventures and villains are far behind us.” 

“Yeah, you’re right, it’s probably nothing.” 

“But if you do really feel like something’s wrong you should text Anna.” 

“Oh, we’ve been texting everyday. I just haven’t brought up John yet because I didn’t want to rub it in or seem paranoid,” Leila says. 

Claire takes a brief glimpse into Leila’s thoughts and shakes her head, “Oh no, we are not doing that again. Remember what happened last time you tried to love two people at once?” 

“It’s not like that!” Leila insists, “Anna and I are just friendly. And besides, things have been good with John for almost a whole year.”

“Okay, whatever,” Claire rolls her eyes. 

However, when Leila comes home that afternoon, she finds John acting even stranger than normal. As soon as she walks through the door, John quickly hides something and says he has to leave. 

“But I just got here,” Leila complains. 

“I have to go,” John repeats. He pushes past her and walks out the door.

Suspicious, Leila starts snooping around their place. She finds a half-written letter addressed to Pete Davidson, but everything except that name is written in code. Her blood runs cold; John writing in code was one of the sure signs Anna had warned her about. She quickly texts Claire and Anna to come over and help her figure this out. 

The three of them continue to look through everything that John’s been hiding. 

“You were right to text me. This is exactly what happened last time, right down to the name at the top of the letter,” Anna says. 

“Wait, but I thought it was Bob and Elmo pulling the strings last time,” Claire comments. 

“I don’t know who those people are. Pete was the only name I ever saw on those letters,” Anna tells them. 

“Oh shit…” Leila mutters, “We have to stop this before it goes too far again.” 

“We’ll interrogate him when he gets back,” Claire suggests. 

But John Mulaney never comes back. They all end up falling asleep on the couch and the bell they attached to the front door never rang. Upon waking up to this realization, they all come to the unmistakable conclusion that John Mulaney is once again evil. 

Leila and Claire immediately text the members of their old team from their last adventure, but none of them accept the mission. Not even Wonder Woman and Cleo, who had continued to visit Claire periodically over the last year, are willing to help. 

“Some friends they all turned out to be,” Claire says bitterly. 

“We’ll just have to assemble a new team then,” Leila says. 

“Yeah, but who else do we know who would help us?” Claire asks. 

Anna grins, “I think I know a few people.” 

A few minutes later, they’re sitting at a fancy, upscale coffee place, waiting. Anna is keeping Leila and Claire in suspense, refusing to say who the people they’re meeting are and insisting they’ll know when they see them. Leila and Claire keep a close eye on every person who walks through the door. And then they see them. 

Leila glances at Claire. You see that too, right?

Yeah that’s definitely Kim Kardashian.

And Taylor Swift, too? 

Yep this is what’s happening.

During this telepathic conversation, Leila and Claire just stare at the two celebrities, wide-eyed. 

“You guys good?” Anna asks. 

“Yeah, yeah, we’re fine, this is fine,” Claire says. 

Kim and Taylor approach the table. 

“I heard we’re taking down Pete Davidson and John Mulaney. I’ll take any chance to destroy a man,” Taylor says. 

“And Pete is my man. I can’t believe he’s evil and he’s been hiding it from me. Like, how dare he hide that from me. I need to take revenge,” Kim explains. 

Claire nods, “Okay, valid.” 

The five of them get started on discussing a plan. Their first order of business, however, is to establish a team name; they decide on calling themselves The Girlbosses. And then their schemes and ideas begin to take form.

TO BE CONTINUED...

#john mulaney #anna marie tendler #harry styles #one direction #tony stark #kim kardashian #pete davidson #taylor swift #girlboss #crackfic

[duke-duke-the-cuc]

The Rock: Part Three: The Boat

(part one, part two)

----

“I’m so glad you decided to join me again, Larry,” Bob says, “Meet me at our old backup lair in Alaska, I just have to deal with our prisoners first.” 

Duke Duke nods and teleports away. 

Bob returns to the prison cells in the abandoned Chuck E. Cheese, but to his surprise Tony and Harry are there, Leila and Claire and Wonder Woman are free, and Sexy Elmo is dead on the floor. The tomato lets out an angered and horrified scream, “I’ll curse you all!” 

“No you won’t,” Leila says. 

Bob starts to chant, but Leila lunges at him and as soon as her hands touch him, her powers magically slice him to pieces.

“Let’s make him into a pizza,” Claire suggests. 

“Bet,” everyone else says in unison. They all work together to turn the Bob chunks into tomato sauce and smear it onto some dough left over from when the playplace was fully operational. Just as they are about to bake the pizza, Bob speaks, “You’ll never get away with this!” 

“Oh shit he’s still alive,” Tony says. 

Harry shrugs, “Just shove him in the oven.” 

So without any more thought on the matter, they shove the pizza in the oven and use Elmo’s burning dead body as fuel. Bob’s dying screams can be heard as he cooks. 

“Now that that’s over...we should talk,” John Mulaney states as they all sit down to eat the pizza. 

“Yeah probably,” Leila agrees, “but where do we start?” 

“I wanna know how you two got here,” Claire says to Tony and Harry. 

“Duke Duke and Cleo have secret trackers in them so when they were transported here we were able to find you guys,” Tony explains. 

“You know what, we’ll deal with the fact that you put trackers in us without consent later, but right now I want to know why you-” Cleo turns to Claire, “-were kissing Wonder Woman behind my back.” 

“Best guess is Leila and Claire were put under a love spell. Now that Bob and Elmo are dead, the spell should be broken. You have nothing left to worry about now,” Harry assures her. 

Leila looks at John, “I don’t think it broke...I still feel the same.” 

“Yeah I’m still pretty attracted to Wonder Woman too,” Claire adds. 

Tony raises his eyebrows, “Y’all should probably talk then.” 

Claire glances between Cleo and Wonder Woman, “How do you guys feel about sharing?”

Cleo shrugs, “I guess I’m okay with that.” 

“Yeah me too,” Wonder Woman says. 

“So you actually love me?” John Mulaney asks Leila. 

“Hell yeah, I do,” Leila answers, “Especially since Duke Duke isn’t even here right now.” 

“Speaking of Duke Duke...we should probably find him,” John says. 

“Oh yeah….I forgot about that bitch,” Claire says. 

“Well we can find him easily with his tracker,” Tony mentions. He checks his phone, “He’s in Alaska. It looks like he’s on the same boat where Harry and I were kidnapped.” 

With all that figured out, they leave the abandoned Chuck E. Cheese and pile into Tony’s private jet to head to Alaska. Tony, Harry, John, and Leila spend the ride talking about sex positions while Claire, Cleo, and Wonder Woman have a threesome in the back of the plane. 

They land in Alaska in front of the abandoned boat. 

“Wow...deja vu,” Claire mutters as they approach the boat.

“Yeah…” Leila looks at John, “Remember when you were evil?” 

“No, actually, I do not,” John says. 

They enter the boat to find not Duke Duke but Trisha Paytas doing the renegade naked for a TikTok. While she’s clearly distracted, the gang makes their way past her to search the other rooms. Just as they’re about to leave this room, Trisha notices them. 

“Hey! You guys aren’t supposed to be here right now but I’ll just tell you what’s happening. So, Larry is evil again and he’s plotting his revenge right now, just thought you should know,” Trisha tells them. She then returns to her TikTok and ignores them again.

“Who’s Larry?” Leila asks, confused. 

Tony sighs, “I was afraid this would happen.” 

“That what would happen?” Claire asks. 

“Duke Duke’s real name is Larry. He had to change it because he used to work with Bob but then decided to join the good side and had to run from him,” Tony explains. He looks at Leila, “Your betrayal must’ve pushed him back to the dark side.” 

“Yeah, okay, let’s just move on,” Leila says defensively. 

They continue searching the boat and eventually find Larry in the secret Build-A-Bear in the keel. He is hard at work stuffing teddy bears. Without even looking up from his bear he says, “I’ve been expecting you.” 

“Duke Duke, you don’t have to do this,” Leila cries. 

“Suck my nuts,” Larry mutters darkly. 

“It’s not what you think! John and I only kissed because Bob put us under a love spell,” Leila explains. 

Larry’s expression softens slightly, “Oh...well as long as you don’t love him, I understand.” 

Leila hesitates, “Well…about that…” 

“Wait,” John looks at Leila, “You lo-”

“No, don't say anything!” Claire interrupts, hearing Larry’s thoughts turning darker and darker, “Trust me, we don’t want to antagonize him.”

“We can talk about all of that later,” Leila says to Larry, “but right now you need to stop what you’re doing.” 

Larry shakes his head, “I’ve already heard everything I need to know.” He pulls a lever on the stuffing machine. A loud alarm sounded through the boat and millions of Build-A-Bears came to life, baring strangely sharp teeth, and began to rush towards them.

“Kill them all!” Larry yelled as the bears started to attack, teleporting out of the room. 

“We’ll handle the bears, Leila, you deal with Larry,” Harry says. 

Leila looks at Harry and sighs as she starts to run out of the room, knowing exactly what she needs to do. She runs through the halls of the boat, looking in every room she comes across when it suddenly hits her where exactly he might be. She runs down the hall as fast as she can trying to get to where she’s sure Larry will be. Leila approaches the doorway to the main room at the front of the boat, not hesitating at all to walk in.

“I knew I would find you here.” Leila says while staring at the back of the cucumber.

“It's the place I knew only you would come to, we know each other so well” Larry turns around to face her. “We were so in love Leila… I don't know what changed.” He says, tearing up. 

“You’re literally a giant sentient cucumber, it was never going to work out anyways,” Leila tells him. 

Larry roars in anger and telekinetically throws a chair at Leila who barely ducks away from it in time. 

I have to end this, Leila thinks, her eyes tearing up with emotion. 

Yo, what the fuck? Claire’s voice says in Leila’s head. 

Claire? 

Bruh I just heard you in my mind saying you’re about to end something. Don’t do anything stupid.

I didn’t know we could have conversations in our heads. Things would’ve been so much easier if we’d known this earlier. 

Well I just found out when you screamed in my head. 

Cool new power. Now I have to get back to trying to kill Larry. 

And I have to kill these living teddy bears. Good luck. 

Leila comes out of the psychic conversation to see Larry just staring at her. “What were you just doing?” Larry asks. 

“Oh, nothing,” Leila says. Then she runs at him with the intent to kill. 

Larry seems to understand her intentions and throws her away from him and against the wall with his mind. 

Leila switches tactics. “Look, I’m sorry,” she says to Larry, “Let’s just talk about this. I’d rather try to fix things than hurt you.” 

“Okay! I knew you’d come around,” Larry says. 

Leila slowly moves closer to him, “I’ll love you forever, but I have to do this,” she says dramatically, laying her hand on top of Larry’s head. 

The cucumber hardly has any time to protest before his entire body is cut directly in half. The two now lifeless halves fall to the floor. Leila dropped to the ground, realizing that he was actually gone now. Footsteps approach the room and Leila turns to see Claire, Harry, John, Tony, Wonder Woman and Cleo all standing in the doorway staring at the scene before them. 

“Oh, damn, you actually killed him,” Claire comments. 

“Yep, I actually did,” Leila says. 

Just then they all hear a roar from the entrance to the boat. “YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!” Shrek yells.

TO BE CONTINUED...

#tony stark #harry styles #larry the cucumber #bob the tomato #veggie tales #john mulaney #wonder woman #cleo sertori #trisha paytas #shrek #crackfic

[duke-duke-the-cuc]

The Rock: Part Two: Sexy Elmo

(read part one here)

----

A few seconds of shocked silence pass as they all process the situation. 

“So...what even happened?” Leila asks, looking at John Mulaney, “Like, why were you evil?” 

“Well I had just parked my car and was walking to a show in New York when I passed a strip club,” John explains, “Usually I don’t look inside, because, you know, I have a wife and I love her very much. But something in the window caught my eye, and it looked to be a sexy Elmo pole dancing. And I couldn’t pass that up. So I went inside, and once I really got a good look at that Elmo, I just couldn’t look away. Before I knew it I was back in college - high off my ass and tied to a chair in a dark room. Sexy Elmo and a giant sentient tomato were chanting around a circle of candles and pentagram drawn on the floor. That’s the last thing I remember.”

“Wait…” Claire says, “a sexy Elmo and a sentient tomato were doing witchcraft and I wasn’t invited?” 

Leila rolls her eyes, “Claire, that’s not the point.” 

“The point is: now you have proven yourselves, you must find the sexy Elmo and sentient tomato and put a stop to their evil,” The Rock says. He turns to Tony, Harry, Duke Duke, and Cleo, “You all have prepared them well, but this quest is one Leila and Claire must take alone.” 

Claire glances at each of them, “Aight, guess this is goodbye then.” 

The Rock allows Leila and Claire to take John Mulaney with them, and they say their goodbyes. They immediately head to the airport to fly to New York. Claire uses her newfound mind-control powers to get them a free flight. 

The whole time they’re travelling they have to listen to John talk about his wife and complain about how upset she must be at his disappearance. 

FInally, Leila can’t take it anymore, “Oh my god, shut up. We’ll go see your wife as soon as we land.” 

John opens his mouth to respond, but then obviously decides against it and shuts himself up. 

When they land, Claire mind-controls them a free cab to John Mulaney’s house. Pulling up to his house, they see two cars in his driveway. It’s dark and they assume the other car is John’s. However, when they go inside they find John Mulaney’s wife and Timothee Chalamet making out on the couch. 

John stares for a second, then quickly leaves the house, obviously upset. Leila and Claire slowly back out of the room. Leila immediately goes to comfort John, while Claire pulls out her phone to call Cleo with the tea. 

“Are you doing okay?” Leila asks, genuinely concerned.

“I just can’t believe she did it...she always jokes about it but I never thought she’d do it,” John says, crying. Leila hugs John while he cries on her shoulder. 

They sit like that for a little while, until John finally pulls himself together and they get back on the road to the strip club where sexy Elmo was spotted. 

On the way they devise a plan. When they arrive at the club, they request a private dance from sexy Elmo. 

Elmo walks in and Foreigner immediately starts playing in the background as he begins to dance. Then he recognizes who his audience is and tilts his head in confusion, though still dancing, “John, what are you doing here? You were supposed to meet us at the lair with Tony Stark and Harry Styles, not here with these teenage girls.” 

“These girls are Tony and Harry. They have shapeshifting powers we were unprepared for,” John lies smoothly, “They also have some mind powers and were able to erase my memory of where the lair was before I captured them.” 

“Oh, alright, I’ll take you there,” Elmo says easily. He stops dancing and leads them outside and down the street to an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese. Then he flings open the doors and announces, “Babe! John’s back with the hostages!”

Moments later, a giant tomato bounces into the room. He looks John, Leila, and Claire over, then looks at Elmo, “Babe, those are not Tony and Harry.” 

“Yes they are, they’re shapeshifters,” Elmo says. 

“Yeah, I’m Tony,” Leila and Claire accidentally say at the same time. 

“Wait, I thought I was Tony,” Claire says. 

“Oh shit, you’re right. I was Harry,” Leila realizes. 

John rolls his eyes, “Actually, you’re both idiots.”

The tomato glares at Elmo, then starts chanting in a different language. John, Leila, and Claire are suddenly transported into a dark cell, staring at dead animatronics, separated from them only by bars. 

Instead of continuing to stare at the animatronics, they decide to look around the cell. Sitting in the corner, is another person. Claire recognizes her immediately, “Guys...that’s Wonder Woman,” she says. Then, overwhelmed by this, she promptly passes out. 

Wonder Woman glances at Claire, “Is she okay?” 

“Yeah, she just does that,” Leila says, “She’ll wake up in a second.” 

“So...why are you here?” John asks. 

“I was trying to put a stop to Bob and Elmo’s evil plans, but my skills were useless against their witchcraft,” Wonder Woman explains. 

At that moment, the tomato appears outside the cell, “You were talking about me?” 

“Yeah we were talking about you,” John says, “What are you up to?” 

“Y’all are in for a treat,” Bob says evilly, “Poof!” And then he disappears again. 

“Um, what was that?” Leila asks. Then she looks at John and is suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to pull a Debby Ryan. She gives into it. “Are we about to kiss?” 

John just looks at her for a second, then nods, “Yeah.” 

Claire wakes up then to see Leila and John making out. “Not again,” she groans. She hears Leila’s thoughts too and adds, “Ugh, what? I thought Duke Duke was your soulmate.” 

Leila and John are too busy to even respond, so Claire turns to Wonder Woman, having to force herself not to pass out again, “Uh, hi.” 

We should do what they’re doing, Wonder Woman thinks, and Claire hears it. 

“Yeah, we should,” Claire says. 

“What?” 

“I read your mind. Let’s do it.” So Claire and Wonder Woman start kissing too. 

Little do they know that Cleo and Duke Duke had been magically summoned by Bob and Elmo to the abandoned Chuck E. Cheese and were now watching their lovers make out with other people. 

Angered, Duke Duke runs away. 

“This isn’t real,” Cleo insists, “Claire would never.” 

“See for yourself,” Bob says. He leads her down to the cell. 

Cleo stares in shock for a moment, then exclaims, “Claire! What the hell? I thought we were in love!” 

Wonder Woman and Claire pull away from each other. Claire looks at Cleo, embarrassed, “We are! It’s just...I don’t know...I mean...It’s Wonder Woman!” 

“You do have a point, but it’s still cheating!” Cleo says. 

“I’m sorry…” Claire mutters. 

“Ugh, whatever,” Cleo says. Then she rounds on John and Leila, “You know Duke Duke saw you guys too.” 

“Oh shit!” Leila pushes John away, “Where is he?” 

“Well obviously he was upset and betrayed, so he ran away,” Cleo tells her. 

Meanwhile, Duke Duke is sitting on the street corner between the Chuck E. Cheese and the strip club, singing a mournful song: 

My girlfriend cheated on me. How could this be? 

Is it because I’m a cucumber, not a human being? 

I thought that we were meant to be

I thought we’d be together for eternity

I thought she loved me just the way I am

But it turns out she wants to be with a real man

Bob hears this song and comes out to present Duke Duke with an offer, “It’s sad, huh? Aren’t you tired of being weak and powerless? Come back and join me again, Larry, and she’ll never be able to resist your power.” 

Duke Duke sniffles and wipes his tears, “Alright.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

#veggie tales #harry styles #tony stark #crack fic #wonder woman #john mulaney #cleo sertori #bob the tomato #larry the cucumber #elmo #sexy elmo #chuck e cheese

[duke-duke-the-cuc]

The Rock

It’s a sunny day, the first sunny day after weeks of rain. Leila and Claire are walking to 7-11 to get slurpees. It is such an ordinary day, that is until Leila trips and falls flat on her face. They look to see what it was that she tripped over, finding that it was a rock. But not just any other rock, it appeared to be a magical glowing rock. 

“Whoa, what is that?” Claire exclaims, immediately crouching down to touch it. As soon as her finger touches the surface of the stone, her whole body starts glowing like the rock. 

“Wait, I wanna glow too!” Leila drags herself over to touch the stone as well. They both glow together for 10 seconds. Annette from across the street watches them disappear into thin air. 

Leila and Claire find themselves suddenly in a forest, right in front of Harry Styles and Tony Stark making out against a tree. 

“What the fuck is happening here…?” Leila says slowly. 

Harry Styles and Tony Stark jump away from each other and turn to face the two teenagers who interrupted them. 

“Oh, we’ve been waiting for you,” Tony Stark says. 

“Uh, for what?” Leila asks. 

“You two have been chosen. You will start to notice your magic powers soon,” Tony answers. 

Claire blinks, only one thing on her mind as she looks at Tony and Harry. “Wait. You two were just…” 

Harry looks her dead in the eye. “Wot about it, bruv?” 

“Oh, uh, nothing, just…wasn’t expecting that,” Claire says quickly. “So, um...what’s this about magic powers?” 

“We have some tests to help you discover your powers,” Harry says. “Follow us.” 

“Aight, bet,” Leila says. 

They follow Tony and Harry to a giant tree with a door in it. The door opens to a humongous mansion that somehow fits inside the tree. They continue through the mansion to a back room filled with odd contraptions. 

“Uh, I don’t think kinky is magical,” Leila jokes. 

Harry laughs, but Tony rolls his eyes. 

“Anyways...We’re going to hook you up to some machines to test how you react to things,” Tony explains.

“Is this gonna hurt?” Claire asks warily. 

“No, it won’t hurt,” Harry assures her. 

“But it might kill you,” Tony adds. 

Leila shrugs, “Well, as long as it doesn’t hurt…” 

“Yeah, alright,” Claire agrees. 

Leila and Claire let themselves be hooked up to the machines, while Tony and Harry press a bunch of strange buttons. They immediately black out. 

When they wake, they find Duke Duke and Cleo Sertori watching over them. 

“I must be dreaming…” Claire mutters when she sees the beautiful mermaid looking at her and promptly passes out again. 

Leila looks up at the giant cucumber, “Is it really you?” 

Duke Duke takes off his hat and bows, “That’s me!” 

“Do you feel this instant connection?” Leila asks dreamily. 

Duke Duke looks into her eyes, “Yes, of course.” 

Cleo finally shakes Claire awake, and the first thing she sees is not Cleo’s lovely face, but her friend making out with a cucumber. Leila’s lips are occupied, but Claire can somehow hear her voice: I can’t believe I finally found the love of my life.  

“What the fuck…? Why is a cucumber the love of your life?” Claire says, staring in disbelief. 

Leila pulls away and looks at Claire strangely, “How did you know that?” 

“Um, I heard it? I think I might’ve read your mind?” Claire says, clearly confused about this whole situation. 

“Oh, cool, you found your power!” Leila says excitedly. 

“And you found a cucumber…” Claire says. 

Then she gets distracted by distant music: Pizza Angel, please come to me. Tomato sauce and cheese so gooey. Pizza Angel, you’re all I need… 

“Where is that music coming from?” Claire asks. 

“Oh, sorry, I sing songs in my head,” Duke Duke says. 

“Oh, okay,” Claire says, because at this point nothing is really surprising. 

She turns back to Cleo, and the world fades away and it’s just the two of them and Cleo’s thoughts that are filled with nothing but thoughts of Claire. The two of them finally kiss. 

However, they are soon interrupted by a phone ringing. Everyone checks their pockets, but no one’s cellphone is going off. 

“I think it’s coming from over here,” Duke Duke says, turning towards a mysterious phone booth in the corner. 

Leila goes over to answer the phone. It’s Tony Stark. 

“Hey, guys, we just got news, we’re going to be on the Jimmy Fallon show and you all need to be there because something feels off about it,” he says. 

“Okay, we’re on our way.” Leila hangs up and tells the rest of the group what he’d said. 

“Okay everybody, touch the top of my head and I’ll teleport us all to New York,” Duke Duke says. 

They all appear backstage and only have a few seconds to collect themselves before they hear Jimmy Fallon calling them all out to the stage. 

The crowd goes wild to welcome the magical people Tony was just telling the world about. They smile and wave before sitting down on the couch. 

“So tell us about your powers,” Jimmy says, directing the question towards Leila and Claire, “How did you find them?” 

“Well, it all started when I tripped over a glowing pebble,” Leila starts. 

“And then I touched it and started to glow too,” Claire continues. 

“Then I wanted to glow, so I touched it also,” Leila says. 

“And then we got teleported to a forest where we met Tony and Harry,” Claire adds.

Leila is about to mention the testing Tony and Harry put them through, but the whole show is interrupted by the sudden appearance of John Mulaney. 

“Oh, John, you’re not supposed to be here ‘til next week,” Jimmy Fallon says, surprised. 

John Mulaney just laughs. I’m only here to kidnap Harry and Tony and take over the world. 

Claire hears his malevolent plan in his thoughts and stands up, “Wait! He’s not the real John Mulaney, this one is evil!”

As if on cue, all the lights go off, and Leila and Claire can hear sounds of violence and struggle. Confused and unsure, they do nothing. When the lights come back on, John is gone and he’s taken Tony and Harry. Jimmy and everyone in the audience are asleep. 

“Oh no, where did they go?” Claire says, looking around. 

Cleo pulls out her phone, “We can find out. Tony has a tracker in him specifically for situations like this.” 

Leila looks at the phone, “It says they’re in Alaska.” 

Duke Duke then teleports them all to Alaska. It’s freezing. The first thing they all do is buy winter coats. Only then can they start searching for their missing friends. They follow the tracker to an abandoned boat. 

Evil John Mulaney appears the second they step foot on the boat. “How did you find me? I didn’t leave a trace.” 

“Trackers,” Cleo says, “That’s what you get for kidnapping a techie billionaire.” 

Leila walks up to him and shoves him. “Bitch.” 

“Ow! What the-?” John Mulaney rips open his shirt to find the source of the pain, revealing a deep wound where Leila’s hands had touched him. 

“Oh, nice power,” Claire comments. But Leila backs away, suddenly depressed. 

John Mulaney roars in rage, grabbing a sword hanging on the wall and swinging at Leila. Leila ducks just in time, but the sword slices Duke Duke in half instead.

“You should turn that sword on yourself,” Claire mutters angrily. To her surprise, and to John’s too, John starts to turn the sword around and stabs himself through the stomach. With a gasp, he falls to the floor, dead. 

Then something starts to glow in Claire’s pocket. It’s the rock from the very beginning. Confused, she takes the rock out of her pocket, but it burns her hand and she drops it. As soon as the stone hits the floor it starts to grow and change. Soon a fully formed Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is standing in front of them. 

“Congratulations, you’ve passed my test,” he says. 

Leila looks up from where she’s been crying in the corner, “But all I can do is hurt people?” 

The Rock shakes his head, “No, you can heal, too. Go to your lover.” 

Leila drags herself over to her fallen cucumber boyfriend and cries over his body. Slowly Duke Duke begins to heal and come back to life. Leila’s tears become tears of happiness now. 

John Mulaney begins to stir, and everyone looks over, suddenly on edge again and prepared to fight. Cleo, who has now returned from freeing Tony and Harry, immediately readies herself to use the water around the boat to attack. 

“No, no,” The Rock says before they can all jump into action again, “the curse has been broken. John Mulaney is himself again.” 

TO BE CONTINUED...

#veggie tales #harry styles #tony stark #harry styles x tony stark #iron man #john mulaney #evil john mulaney #duke duke #larry the cucumber #cleo sertori #the rock #dwayne johnson #dwayne the rock johnson #fanfiction #fanfic #crackfic #crack fic #7-11 #slurpees #superpowers #self-insert #jimmy fallon #boats #evil villains #drama #action #adventure #novel #magic #alaska