dreamrecklessly

[dreamrecklessly]

pray i die pray i die pray i die pray i die

[dreamrecklessly]

i want to rot in the woods

[dreamrecklessly]

just a girl in her room trying not to kill herself

[dreamrecklessly]

being shot in the head with a gun would fix me I think

[dreamrecklessly]

nothing like the guilt of receiving so much love from the people around me but still feeling entirely alone

[dreamrecklessly]

[dreamrecklessly]

I grew up thinking “I just have to get to my 20s. I just have to make it there and I won’t feel like this anymore.” I was so naive. Two months shy of 27 and I still think about killing myself every single day.

#sad thoughts

[dreamrecklessly]

There are days when the melancholy settles on you like a sudden change in weather. The kind of sadness that is intangible. Like the presence of an ache where you can't pinpoint exactly where it hurts, you just know it does.

// Lang Leav

[dreamrecklessly]

Wish I had the guts to fucking end it I’m so tired man

[dreamrecklessly]

Hey in case no one told you there's nothing wrong with being an addict. You're not a terrible person just because you're addicted to something. You aren't inherently cruel and you're not vile. Morals have nothing to do with addiction. You being a "good" or a "bad" person is separate from your addiction. Lots of us have addictions and have addictive behavior. Whether it's a substance, either illegal or legal, or a physical thing to participate in like media, addiction is something human beings have always dealt with. Stop equating morality with addiction.

[dreamrecklessly]

It’s easier to tell yourself that you don’t deserve the things you can’t have, than be disappointed time and time again. It gives you a sense of control over your own life. See, if you believe you don’t deserve something, like being loved or being treated with kindness, or being wanted… it won’t hurt as much when you’re eventually proven right. Because if you deserved to be loved then why would you feel so unloved? If you deserved to be wanted by people then why would they keep walking away from you? If you deserved to be treated with gentleness and warmth then why are you only familiar with contempt and disdain? It’s a toxic form of self preservation but it works. It’s easier to believe you don’t deserve the things you once yearned for than spend the rest of your life waiting for something that may never happen.

[dreamrecklessly]

When the darkness consumes you. Remember, the stars are twinkling to signal to you. A message that all is okay. Soft whispers from the wind that you’ve done well. Moon and sun still shine for you because you deserve brightness. Arms outstretched, our fingers almost touching, I am telling you: come out and peel away the cocoon of darkness encasing you. For you have been forgiven, the mistake long gone. You are worthy to feel the sunlight and tender whispers of kindness, everyone has forgiven you. So take my hand, and show yourself the love and kindness you give others and forgive yourself like how you’ve forgiven us.

[dreamrecklessly]

I just don’t want to be here anymore. But my cats need me. And my best friend needs me. So I’ll continue this conscious level of hell that is life.

[dreamrecklessly]

Need that secret sneaky late night car sex NOWWWW

[dreamrecklessly]

#sign #nycprimeshot #nyc it girl #nyc aesthetic #coffee #coffeeshop #expressionism #im worth it #i love you #its too late #outside #smoke weed #weed #420 #love #typographyedit #spilled ink #long exposure #my art #generative art #artwork

[dreamrecklessly]

He made them scrambled eggs, but me? he made me the melt in your mouth, do a little dance, soft and juicy fried eggs with perfectly crispy edges. Just how I like them. I ate every bite soaking in the nutrients of his friendship. I felt special. I felt seen and I felt loved and for once I felt human. Human as in someone who has an egg order human. Someone who’s order is worth remembering because he knows how much I love them cooked just like that. I hope I feel that again. I hope we get back there. I hope, I really hope.

[dreamrecklessly]

I was driving through a dark empty Malibu canyon with one of my best friends tonight. My favorite music blasting, I was smoking a perfectly rolled blunt, doing exactly what 13 year old me could have only dreamed of doing. I should’ve been happy, fulfilled, blissful even; yet there I was praying to whatever higher power, begging the universe to throw the car off the edge of the canyon int the darkness. I wanted death, I wanted pain, I wanted agony, I wanted a purely visceral ending. But there was no plunge, no agony, and no pain. Just more music, more winding roads, and another night to wither away.

How selfish am I? To experience life, to breathe everyday and to house a body that keeps on going year after year, yet I spend my days wanting nothing more than to shatter into a trillion little pieces, swept up, thrown away and forgotten. To melt and slip through the cracks of the wooden floorboards at my mothers house. To burst into flames and burn a path through the lives of those that have hurt me. To cease to exist. How selfish am I to want such a thing?