dave-hates-your-abuser

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

maybe i won’t get better but maybe i can get Okay. maybe i can get Functional one day. that wouldn’t be too bad at all.

#don’t follow me for positive posts this is my first one in like four years #i just felt guilty for only doomposting. and hey this IS true #traumacore #actuallytraumatized #actuallyptsd #major depressive disorder #vent blog

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

the hero complex is the thing that never goes away

all i want to do is help people

i swear, i don’t even want them to like me for it, at least not much. i just want to know that i matter. that my life has some kind of meaning.

and i hate this fuckin planet so much. everything is awful here. somehow, i believe that maybe i can help someone, then i act shocked when it doesn’t work out.

of course i can’t save people. i’m just a broke depressed mentally ill bitch, i’m useless. i can’t even comfort my friends anymore. i feel awful, and i can’t think of myself as a good person anymore. just someone who tries and fails.

i hope to some day be a kind stranger who helps people out without getting close. i think that’s the only thing that would make me feel good about myself.

-dave strider

z

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

too traumatized to work, to traumatized to love, too traumatized to make friends, too traumatized to enjoy anything, too traumatized to exist

#traumacore #vent #vent blog #actuallyPTSD #actuallytraumatized

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

i can’t fucking stand being around optimistic people

i know that’s fucked up

we’re not the same. i’m not trying to romanticize my sadness, but it’s so fucking painful trying to pretend we’re on the same page. i do it anyways, i act polite, and it fucking exhausts me.

we’re not the same, you’re better than me.

#and i mean that last part genuinely #major depressive disorder #actually ptsd #actually traumatized #traumacore #vent blog #vent

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

no one understands substance abuse at all

if you take my drinks/drugs and don’t change anything else, i won’t get better, i’ll find something else to get high off of or finally fucking kill myself

the drugs are not the problem, they’re the only solution i can get my hands on

#addiction #substance abuse #substance abuse tw // #suicide mention tw //

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

god there’s one detail of my trauma i always desperately need to get off my chest, but i worry it’s so specific that it might reveal my identity

#it’s killing me

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

(tw child abuse, substance abuse) damn, really nothing but the drugs and alcohol work for my ptsd, huh. i always end up resorting to them. the fuck am i supposed to do, anyways? take deep breaths until i forget i got hit as a child? mindfulness my way out of remembering all the screaming? nah, that’s never done shit for me, no matter how hard I tried. i have be too high to think about it.

#ptsd #actuallyabused #abuse victim #child abuse #vent blog #actuallyptsd #substance abuse tw //

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

i’m going to break the heart of one one so pure, and i’m so sorry. i promise to try and take vengeance of myself

#someone come scoop me up into an abusive relationship bad hurt me #domestic abuse tw // #heartbreak #depression #vent blog #vent

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

s3lf harn

almost ironically, i cut “coward” in my arm so lightly that I can barely fucking feel it. almost comical, how predictable that is. almost funny.

#s3lfh4rm #s3lf harn #vent blog #vent

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

#not pretty they thankfully didn’t know what i looked like #but that’s just me

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

Folks have got to understand that they probably aren't messed up by some Secret Big Trauma that they just can't remember; but rather by a million tiny microtraumas that they do mostly remember but don't even register as traumatic because nobody actually understood that these things would cause trauma, much less stack on each other over the years.

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

tw self h@rn

it’s been a long time since i tried carving a word on myself. i think i deserve it for this. hurting someone who treated you like the salt of the earth is worth it.

#the last one was ‘ugly’ #the scar faded a long time ago #i think this one will be ‘coward’ #even though it’s a long word. it’s true. #s3lf harn #vent

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

nothing like venting about having your identity invalidated and being told you shouldn’t be venting in that space because you aren’t valid

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

i’m trying to slowly vanish lately

#PTSD #actually ptsd #traumacore #vent blog #actually depressed #major depressive disorder #vent #suicide tw // #suicidal ideation tw //

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

tw: ed

fuck. it’s all fun and body positivity til your clothes stop fitting.

#disordered eating #eat1ng dis0rder #vent blog

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

i know better than to call the damn cops or anyone else because of hearing a child scream once or twice, i know kids scream when they play or get their ipad taken away or a lot of other reasons.

but i also think of my screaming, and my siblings screaming, with our windows open, and wondering why no one ever called for help

#child abuse tw // #actually abused #traumacore #vent blog #actually ptsd #ptsd #abuse victim #child abuse

[dave-hates-your-abuser]