boi-muppet

[boi-muppet]

Feedback continued

While the feedback below is valid - I feel like I have to be ready to be fired before I give it. Not that they could fire me for that feedback - but they could make my life real hard and fire me for other reasons because big company and corporate.

[boi-muppet]

The Feedback I Want to Give At Work

I have hit a point with all of it that I finally captured my feedback about my job and am now deciding if I send it. I would probably read it at first in a clear feedback session with my manager - and then either email it or also read it directly to his manager. It's scary - but also I am tired to spiraling that I will lose my job over things that are wildly out of control. They have also put all this emphasis on this engagement survey and it's ramifications. They seem to think that no meetings Friday is going to resolve it so this is also my 'brave' attempt to give them actionable feedback. I'm leaving this here - will sit with it for at least a week - and see. ------

With our current focus on engagement and the office vibe scores - I wanted to give you some direct feedback and insight into my experience. The short of it is that while I love my team and colleagues - I feel a lack of support in my role and responsibilities by leadership including my manager. I also do not feel acknowledged for my successes or progress in my role - or the progress of my team and portfolio which has significantly impacted my confidence in this role as well as well-being. I've taken the time to outline some of the main areas but am happy to talk further about this. 

Acknowledgement

The Org Experience has come a long way in 2 years not just from a team and product perspective but also from a culture and relationship with stakeholders standpoint. We have researched, built and iterated on an entirely new product offering that has enabled us to scale our reporting as well as meet our competitors where they are at. In addition, that work has enabled us to support our new product, our newer reseller portfolio focus and potential global customers. Without this progress, I do not think we would be able to be where we are today with some of those clients. I do not say that reporting is the reason for those customers - but our legacy experience would have definitely been the reason that we did not get them. We have a long road ahead of us as we continue to engage, get feedback, iterate and learn but we have also come a long way. At this point - and in my conversations with senior leadership(SLT), this has not been made clear. I feel as though I am telling them about something that is completely new to them while also being asked to answer for the feedback we are receiving on our previous product. I feel like the progress and work that we have put in is not being championed or acknowledged and that has a significant impact on my team's morale as well as my own. 

Lack Support From Leadership For My Portfolio

In the last few months SLT and the company overall has become more focused on the feedback that reporting is consistently sited as ONE of the reasons we are losing clients. I fully appreciate and agree with that feedback and am glad that we are seeing it for what it is. With that said - I do not feel like we are considering that in our strategy and budget and I do not have the support from leadership to get adoption for the new products we've made to address this. The success of our Org Exp is not fully in my hands but is a partnership with sales and the CSM's. We could go significantly faster if we had official support for our Org Experience in our leadership. This will bring more feedback and needs for iteration to me but that is the right direction rather than continuing to sell them a legacy product that we know does not meet their needs.  Additionally, I need to see that level of priority in our budgeting as well. In our current year, the reporting team asked for the budget to continue building, support multi-country companies, and move towards integration with our other products to offer an integrated self-serve experience across the product suite for domestic and global countries. That budget was deprioritized. Additionally, when asked about where extra capital could go, reporting was not brought up. That sends a clear message about the level of importance and priority not just to me but also the teams as well. It's hard to see. This has not meant that we have not made progress with what we have. We have again made great strides to supporting the reseller, our ability to bring multi-country customers within the platform, providing a self-serve experience and implementing feedback on how we are calculating metrics within the Org Experience. We have made progress on all of this with what we can but we will reach blockers soon that will limit our ability to create a scalable solution that makes us competitive. It also makes it harder and is disheartening when I/we get emails, feedback and meeting notes stating how reporting is the reason for customer dissatisfaction and that it needs to be resolved -but we will receive no change in resources to do so.

Support & Champion From My Manager

Finally, my manager support. My manager is a great human and I really like him. I know he is wildy over worked and does not have time. That strain leaks down to his limited ability to support his direct reports. Even with that empathy and understanding it's still an impact on my responses to working here. I do not feel supported by my manager except when there is an emergency or if something has been escalated to him directly. When that happens, it is very reactionary bordering on micromanagement. When I have flagged risks and concerns about work - they were not addressed until those risks were actualized and therefore disruptive to business goals to resolve. This leads to me being pulled into conversations to explain these and again I do not feel supported. I feel like i'm met with a group asking me "why didn't we know this before' when I had brought it up months prior. Additionally, when someone does escalate even the smallest thing to my manager - that is enough for him to tell me to do it which means that stakeholder will just go to him directly as that is how to get the quickest turn around. Once the fires are resolved, I go back to speaking to him ~ 20 minutes a week with very little response in slack.  Additionally, after 2 years I get the sense that people outside of my colleagues and those I have directly interacted with still don't know what I do. People that are not in charge of the reporting experience are brought into conversations and asked to speak to our progress and achievements- and I am brought in to make space for a customer to voice long-standing grievances. To answer to leadership for why we are not seeing the benefits of a new experience we made...for all of the above reasons mentioned.  While I appreciate the trust of my manager for me to do my job when there is not an issue - I do believe that he is stretched so thin that he can't support me as an employee at this company 

I do acknowledge that our company is a large one and with it there are cultural norms and processes that need to be followed. I am fully ok with that. My feedback is centered around my experience outside of that. I worry and stress about losing my job not because i'm not good at it - but because of an eNPS score that I both know is not representative of the way my team feels but also is not something I can directly control. I worry I will lose my job because leadership doesn't know the progress I have made in such a short time around the Org Exp – they just know that people don't like our legacy offering. I worry that I won't get promoted because my successes are attributed to my boss or colleagues because we didn't want to fly me out - so we had them speak to my work instead. I want to work here - I want to continue to grow my team and empower org owners to make and drive a culture of proactive health care. I want to be a part of the reason that we are the most trusted healthcare provider in the world. I want all of these - but I also need to be supported in that. I need to stop seeing my emotional and physical health declining. I need to stop dreading Monday. I need to not feel like I have to be ready to defend myself. I need to have the ability to surface this type of feedback to leadership and know it will be taken seriously - and that I will not be punished for it. 

I want to work here - so i'm taking the chance, being very honest and vulnerable, to give this feedback in hopes that I will be able to stay. 

[boi-muppet]

Update

I fed myself and feel better. Feelings above are still valid but I'm less of a puddle tantrum on the floor. Adult win

[boi-muppet]

38 and I can't feed myself

I am in one of those fowl moods where the brain is a cruel mistress. Things that are a small annoyance or something I could logically think through have turned into things that make me want to throw a tantrum, crawl under a blanket and cry.

The one that i'm just really tired of is feeding myself. I have been dealing with not feeling like I have any connection or influence over my body for almost two decades. I've tried vegan, vegetarian, GF, DF only, no nightshades, no eggs, no corn AT ALL (Did you know that Aleve is the only pain killer that doesn't use corn starch as a filler?) as well as a combination of them all. This has led to restricted diets, anxiety, being 'that person' whenever anyone else tries to feed me as well as a nice trip back into some old disordered eating habits all with only minor or short-lived relief. I have now added blood sugar monitoring onto this in the hope of getting some answers and avoiding a genetic predisposition and that has once again led to more info and even more disconnect from my body. I could say 'fuck it' and eat a big meal with cocktails, wine, and things I am not fully sure what I'm eating and my blood sugar stays in range. Then I go to the movies with grapes, pistachios, and a few df chocolate chips and suddenly my average blood sugar for the day is high.

I'm discouraged. I'm 38 and I don't know how to feed myself in a way that nourishes my body and enables me to be in a good mood AND have regular bowel movements.

Is this all true? Yes.

Is it magnified by the fact that I'm hungry? Absolutely

Send help ....or a different digestive system.

[boi-muppet]

I have found an emotionally available human that adores me....And now by comparison I'm wondering "Am I the one that's emotionally unavailable now?"

On the other hand he made me dinner last night and it was great.

#dating

[boi-muppet]

adventures in online dating #72937493

And that's all Henry said.....

Nope

#dating #dating apps #dating in your 30s #single life #online dating #dating online #next #no thanks

[boi-muppet]

Kinkarrison

This wweekend one of my favorites is getting married (@hotjuliachild-inthecity) which means many things including that I get to be with them and another favorite @la-animaux.

After slight airport fuckery im on the plane. Get ready you two... I'm coming for you!

[boi-muppet]

On Today's Menu: Gaslighting

On today's episode of #datinginmy30s we discuss gaslighting. Buckle in because this one can give ya whiplash.

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The Sunday before last I meet up with a new human - we'll call him The PODling. We meet for coffee at 12 and proceed to walk around this adorable harbor town for SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS. At no point was this man trapped and I even asked a few times if he'd like to hit up another spot or part ways for the day. This point will be valid later. After, I text and say I had a great time, would love to see him again, AND that I was too chicken to ask if I could kiss him. He said Tuesday works and that he would have said yes FYI.

Monday we proceed to text a bit where we say nice things and he tells me that he's distracted at work daydreaming about our walk together etc etc. and what wine he will bring over the next day. He also tells me that he told his housemates (POD) about me and that they want to meet me. I said it was up to him...to which he said "Hopefully sooner rather than later" and suggested Thursday. Sure.

Tuesday comes around and he shows up, we have dinner, we get cuddly and do some making out. At SEVERAL points I draw attention to the time as he wakes up super early for work. He says - and I quote "No. I'm an adult and I want to keep doing what we are doing here." Great. You got it bud. I was not upset as he had shown himself to be a solid kisser.

Wednesday he tells me that he wore the shirt to work that he wore to see me the night before because it smells like me...and that it made his day better. He also calls me amazing and a variety of other sweet things.

Thursday I get to his place. He's cuddly, and affectionate physically and verbally. Imeet his housemates for a little about an hour and then him and I do some sexy/flirty things for the rest of the night. He tells me he likes me a fuck ton and that this has gone faster than he expected. I very openly ask if he wants to slow down/back off to which he says "Absolutely not." I stay the night because it was late and an hour's drive home.

Friday *BOOM*. Something has changed. He's not as responsive, is being odd, and is just different. To be honest, I get solid flashbacks of my ex and I'm really not jazzed. I give him a 50/50 chance that he'll run away by the end of the weekend.

Saturday I am running around on errands and he is doing housework with his POD. He sends me pics and includes me in his day. Ok great. Later that night they all start drinking and apparently talk about me. Keep in mind at this point I have seen him three times and met most of them for less than 60 minutes. They are discussing my 'top energy.' This is weird for me but I will discuss that later. He tells me that they all like me and that they would love to have me around. Great. What about you bud? He basically says that it has happened faster and sooner than he was expecting and that he'd like to slow down. All good by me bud

He gives a few more comments that get odd about how he wasn't expecting me to be so "overwhelmingly forthright with complements." Bud, I told you I liked you and you asked me to elaborate. SO I DID. What were you expecting? Lies? For me to be an ass?

Then he said something about planning vacations together - duder...I'm going on vacation with or without you. I offered you to MAYBE one and we even decided that wasn't a great plan so that isn't happening. What's your deal? I get a few more of these and finally decide to tell him that I just thought we were excited about each other. That's as far as I had gone.

His response "I am sure that I was just riding your high. You were so excited about me that I wanted to match it. You even commented on how I wasn't excited"

I said no such thing. Are you REALLY trying to tell me that this is all in my head?

Buddy, I was born at night but it wasn't last night. That's gaslighting. If you wanted to go slower or were scared of your feelings, fine, but don't go trying to make me think I'm crazy and made it all up instead of facing your own shit.

#dating #dating apps #dating in your 30s #single life #online dating #dating online #dating life #relationships #emotions are hard #emotional availability

[boi-muppet]

Not it..

... Sir. Just because I'm the only one around with a set of breasts does not mean I'm the local help desk. Let's try googling or even just talking to the man that works here first.

Also, when I give you the answer but that's it don't glare at me like I've got an attitude.

I just don't have interest or time in your shit

[boi-muppet]

Them Dollar Bill$

Just applied for another job literally because it would pay me a shit ton more. Work has also been a shit show and I don't see it improving any time soon.....I'm sure that didn't hurt my motivation.

[boi-muppet]

god forbid women do anything

[boi-muppet]

Today is canceled

Whatever moon sign, retrograde, shit in the water situation that is going on today I am not having it. Work is getting on my last nerve with the Thunderdome of 'big feelings,' micro-management, and colleagues in different areas feeling like they could do my job just fine in 15 minutes resulting in me needing to have ANOTHER meeting with them to calm them the fuck down.

Dating over 30 is a dumpster fire of me facing and acknowledging my own trauma and having to grow as a person all while navigating grown-ass adults (male, female and non-binary) being fuck-tards.

Therapy came at me yesterday with the fact that I use deflection techniques so that other people talk so that I don't have to share about myself resulting in me being almost completely surrounded by emotional vampires. Joy

Now I am here in my studio, knowing that I have a big day ahead of me and now able to see that I am the only person that will take care of me/it. I do not have a person or persons around me that I could say "I had a hard day" and they would know what to do. Just like me as a child, this whole situation is on me.....and today....I'm not really fucking feeling it.

Off to another meeting

[boi-muppet]

Married Man Update

Spoiler Alert

When we last left our Gender Bender Muppet they were starting a shameless flirting situation with a married man on his way to opening up his marriage. A real no muss no fuss situation for me.

Fast forward to now. He fell in love, I decided that was too much AND was a violation of his agreement with his wife, called the WHOLE thing off, and am pissed at him. I'll give you the bullet points.

We start talking pretty regularly. Nothing sexy/sexting. Just some solid convos and 'good morning! Have a good day" stuff. Was it happening fast? Sure but we also had known each other for 10 years. I wasn't really that surprised that we got along well.

He comes to have dinner at my place one day and while fully seeking consent....their was something about him that just set my body off in an awful way. Like curl into myself and literally run away when he tried to touch me. Discussed it with my therapist, figured out I was being triggered, am working on it....but this was sign #1.

We keep chatting and he decides that he loves me. Umm...ok....well that's not a thing but whatever man. At this point I ask him what he wants with me and where he and his wife are at. He tells me that they have started talking to their therapist about him being poly as a relationship orientation and she is enthusiastically supportive. I'm...skeptical..for reason that I'll keep to myself for her privacy.

We keep chatting and he gets a bit more..... let's say insistent...when I'm not as available as I was previously. This human/me has got a life, people. I also start to voice the long road ahead that he and his wife have to truly setting the rules for their marriage. I am setting the expectation that I will not be his gf/bf option. He's got a house to get in order. He does not really take this message to heart. I flat out call him out at one point saying "If she saw the texts you sent me she would NOT be happy." Again, he does not agree so after a few days of me just being ....well disgusted....I send him a voice memo saying such. Saying that I don't think that this is on the up-and-up. I told him that I would NOT be put in a situation to violate another human's consent or cause them harm so I was done with this conversation. He returns home after a long trip to chat with her about it and low and behold I was fucking right. While that always feels nice, at this point I officially turned to pissed.

So that's the end of that. He still wants me 'in his life' and is basically scared to do anything that will further fuck it up....but what can I say. I'm a Leo and I'm fucking mad, man. I warned you. I trusted you to do what you said. You did not do that. Burn it to the ground.

#dating #dating in your 30s #ENM #open relationship #Im a leo #burn it to the ground

[boi-muppet]

The Flags

While The Dom is a delightful person to cuddle and have sex with, adulting never lets things just be and we have a few flags on the horizon.

(Flag 1) He is currently in something I can only really describe as an interesting love triangle with his two best friends. The brief version is that the two best friends have known each other since HS and seem to be in what I would describe as a companionate marriage. Like if you decided to marry your best friend that knows absolutely everything about you but you have no desire to be physically intimate with them. The Dom is best friends/brotherly with one of them and then close romantically and physically with the other. While he loves and wants to keep them both in his life in this way, he recognizes that he will never be able to have the romantic relationship he wants with the one and they both decided that he should start dating. If he had his druthers he would be in an open relationship so that he can stay intimate with the one best friend but if he seriously dates someone that wants monogamy that is when their physical & romantic relationship would end. He has been very open about the situation to me, has clearly been open with her about me (I have exchanged pictures with her of cute pups), has told them "a lot" about me/that he likes me and even wants me to meet them. So this feels like a flag but I'm not sure what color yet.

(Flag 2) He knows VERY little about me and does not seem to have an impulse to ask. When we are together he will talk to me nonstop about the things he finds interesting and show me videos and things like a child excitedly describing his favorite toys. He admits that he's not used to anyone being both interesting to him and interested in what he likes so it's like he's releasing pent-up pressure and getting it all out. While the info is interesting and I am having a good time I would also like for him to learn some things about me. I told him as much the other day to which he responded that he absolutely has questions for me and is interested. While I have not yet seen him in person again, we have texted and he has yet to even ask me something like "How was your day?" Dude. You you talk to me all day and have no questions for me cross your brain? Just sharing things with me and whitty banter/responses to my stuff? I will give this a small bit more time....but....this flag feels light orange with possible futures of red.

(Flag 3) He seems very open to sharing his life/friends with me. My ex was the opposite in that he practically hid his friends from me for the majority of our relationship (trauma story for another day). As mentioned above he has told his two best friends about me and has clearly communicated his affinity for me. He has also been very open with me about them rather than gatekeeping or tip-toeing around the topic. He has said several times that he wants me to meet them and that I should come to some Halloween event that they do every October. While not the biggest flag, it still feels worth noticing and seems at the very least a light green.

(Flag 4) His communication skills are top-notch. When I gave him the feedback about asking me questions - ZERO defensiveness or issue. When asking about the relationship stuff a total validation of my feelings and no weirdness. When he's been messaging me and getting ready to do something that will take his attention he'll let me know that he might be less responsive. He is very proactive about getting and communicating consent. Definitely a flag and definitely green.

#dating in your 30s #dating #why is dating so hard #life is brutal #adulting is hard #i mean adulting is fun #single life

[boi-muppet]

Who'da Thought

So I dated an older dude while I was in college. Like I was 20/21 and he was 40+.

We had fun.

My father H.A.T.E.D. him.

When I first started dating him I had no tattoos yet which meant that my fair skin was bare for anything but freckles. One summer night after the passing of my Gram I got a tattoo on my back between my shoulder blades. Two f-holes like you'd see on a cello. Nothing crazy. Much sentiment. That's it. When he saw he got PISSED and said - and I quote- "It's like someone dented my new toy." We did not last much past that.

Fast forward to today and he's finishing up his Gottman Relationship Certificate to help couples navigate a healthy relationship.

Who'd da fucking thought that a man who saw me as a 'toy' that he owned would be helping couples navigate a healthy romantic relationship.

#dating #blast from the past #relationships #unbelieveable #what the actual fuck

[boi-muppet]

Naked With The Dom

As the demure adult that I am, I waited until the second date to sleep with him. In my defense, it was a week later and we had been talking via text almost every day since then. That's got to count for something right? I saw a little of his Dom side come out (hands-on neck, restraining wrists, biting, etc). The communication and consent were fantastic and I was surprised at how sexy it was to have someone ask "How do you feel about hands on your neck?" The entire situation should have been awkward for a few reasons but it was not and I was not upset about it. It was the first time we had been intimate at all and the second time we'd seen each other. We all know that the first time is always one of your most awkward experiences with a partner. In this case, it was not and I'm hoping that is a promising sign for future sexual encounters. As a switch that gets a solid bit of their enjoyment out of pleasuring their partner, I was not easily submitting the whole time which meant he had to take on a role that he had not for a long time - bottom. This took him completely out of his comfort zone with a completely new person. Another point that could have been awkward but we sorted it. Finally, he had not had someone actually focus on him in...a while...and it was like helping him explore what he liked. Seriously, me just finding out if he likes to be bit or lightly touched was, and I quote, "Uncharted territory." It did not take him long to lean into it. By the end of this, I had a minor hickey on my neck and my inner thighs and he looked like someone had beaten him across his shoulders and chest.

It was an enjoyable experience but we'll see how far this goes. I like him but there are some things that I'd characterize as flags but they aren't clear enough to see what color they are.

Stay tuned.

#dating #online dating #dating in your 30s #single life #sex is hard #consent is sexy

[boi-muppet]

It be that way

Sometimes it's not a red flag. Sometimes you are just too hot, strong, cool for them and you make them nervous as fuck.

#dating #dating apps #dating in your 30s #single life