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Trigger/content warnings: Self-esteem issues, mentions of past harassment, mentions of nudity (non-sexual, non-descriptive) Relationships: Spencer Reid x Luke Alvez A/N: Written for prompt 15 of @mrsh0tchner ‘s Criminal Minds discord writing challenge Prompt: “I don’t care what they say. you're worth everything.” Word count: 2395

“Cariño [1], what on earth are you doing?” Luke questioned, an amused grin lighting up his features. He couldn’t help the small chuckle that slipped past his lips when Spencer simply stared at him before returning to attempting to lift a stack of books that was just a little too much for him to handle. After a moment of waiting and still not receiving an answer, Luke decided to sit on the couch, watching his boyfriend as if he was the most entertaining show in the world. When a book slipped off the top of the stack, causing him to lose control over the rest, Luke finally decided to help, picking up the majority of the books and bringing them across the room with ease. “Talk to me, baby,” he prompted once again, seeing that Spencer’s stern expression had lightened a little.

“I moved here in 2003,” Spencer explained. “Right after I got out of Quantico. I’ve kept my apartment the same way since then, yet everything else has changed. This, I decided, should also change.”

Luke simply nodded in response, glancing around the rest of the living room, which was clearly disheveled in a way that would take beyond a days worth of work to get it looking better. “Want a hand with it?”

Reid offered a small shrug in response. He didn’t really need the help- at least, he didn’t want to admit it- but if Luke insisted… “Sure.” Within a few hours, they had the living room completely reorganized, including Spencer’s books, which he’s always been so adamant about keeping in order. Then, after taking a short break for coffee, it was time to move onto Spencer’s bedroom.

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“What if we moved the bookshelf over a bit?” Luke wondered, earring an unsure nod from Spencer.

“I guess so, yeah,” He muttered, grabbing onto the bookcase and waiting for the other to lift his end. With little struggle, they successfully scooted it far enough to the side for a noticeable difference, but not enough to obstruct the doorway.

Luke flicked his eyes over the olive green wall, his eyebrow raising a little. “I didn’t know this was a full sized mirror,” he stated in a way that made it sound more like a question than anything else.

Spencer offered a shrug, along with, “it’s always been one,” in a way that had a slightly defensive edge to it. The placing of the bookshelf was intentional. Mirrors were expensive, and Spencer had happened to get it relatively inexpensively at a yard sale, and it gained bonus points in Spencer’s book for the borders that were beveled with a brass that fit the aesthetic of his flat almost perfectly. Sure, he would’ve preferred one that was shorter, but there was no way he could pass up the opportunity. The afternoon he hung up the new decor was the same afternoon he’d pushed the chest-high bookshelf over a few feet, covering more than half of the new installment.

“It looks pretty good,” Luke offered, narrowing his eyes slightly as he observed how Spencer reacted to what he said. The nod the brunet had responded with seemed genuine enough. “Why do you keep it covered?”

Spencer’s features twisted in thought while he contemplated what he should say. “Honestly?” He asked, getting a nod from the other. If he lied, Luke would know, but the answer seemed almost hurtful. “I um,” he hesitated, taking a minute to swallow despite the dryness in his mouth. “Because I don’t usually like what I see. I haven’t in a long time.”

Chestnut eyes fell to the hardwood flooring before they were able to see the heartbreak and concern in the other man’s eyes.

“Spencer?”

“Yeah?”

“You… don’t like yourself?” Luke asked, choosing his words carefully.

Spencer felt his shoulders slump a little as he gave a pitiful nod. “Yeah… physically, at least.”

Any semblance of a smile dropped from Luke’s face, his lips falling into a frown. “Sweetheart,” he whispered, earning a sharp and impatient glance from Spencer.

“Can we keep going, please?”

The way that Spencer changed the subject, deflected the question, his tone almost begging Luke not to pry, broke Luke’s heart. Spencer was the most beautiful man he’d ever met, and it was almost painful to know that he couldn’t see that. Nevertheless, Luke nodded, asking what he could do next.

Around eight, they were both satisfied with the way they had rearranged the room. The changes weren't as drastic, considering there was more room and furniture to work with in the living room, but it was still enough of a change. There was silence between them following shortly after the small comments about how nice the room looked. "Hey babe?"

“Hm?”

“Take off your clothes,” Luke said, his tone questioning yet firm, giving Spencer room to say no if he wanted to.

Spencer whipped around to face his boyfriend, squeaking out a confused, "What?!"

"I asked if you could take off your clothes. It's okay if you don't want to," Luke clarified, “I just want to try something.”

Spencer gave him a confused look, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he began to unbutton his shirt. He trusted Luke- whatever he had in mind wouldn’t hurt him. Once the brunette had undressed, Luke gently pushed against his shoulder, bringing him to look at himself in the mirror.

“I want you to list five things you like about yourself.” When Spencer’s mouth opened to answer, Luke added, “physical things,” making him close it right away. Some days he appreciated certain features more than others, but today- today he couldn’t think of anything.

“Okay,” Alvez said, noting his silence, “Baby steps. How about three. Can you do that?”

His heart broke a little more when Spencer shook his head. “How about two?”

The way Spencer gulped, eyes blinking shut as if he wanted to escape the reality he was in, gave him an answer no different than the last. “One?” Luke questioned, his tone drowned with concern at this point. Since they’d started dating, he was always aware that Spencer had issues with his self-image. He never failed to express how he felt that he was “too skinny,” or “too lanky”, “too tall”, or “too awkward”, but it had never occurred to him just how bad it was.

“When you see your body,” Alvez wondered, gazing at his boyfriend through the mirror, “what do you think of?”

He gave a few harsh blinks, trying to think of his body as if it were someone else’s, but even that didn’t seem to work. The younger man just looked himself over a few times, thoroughly taking in what he’d avoided looking at in years. Eventually, his eyes met his boyfriend’s through the mirror. “I think of what they said to me,” he replied almost shamefully.

His brows knitted in confusion. “What who said?”

Spencer let out something of a breathy and sad chuckle, his gaze dropping and eyes shifting away from the mirror, landing on a plane spot of wall he hadn’t seen since he moved in. “Half of… pretty much everyone in school.” Luke's silence probed him to continue. “When they finally decided that treating me like a punching bag wasn’t enough, so they stripped me and laughed at me for hours.”

“Spence,” he muttered, but the other man wasn’t finished.

Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes as he continued. “They tied me to a goal post and just… left me there while everyone got their turn to dissect every little insecurity I had about… pretty much everything.” Spencer looked up, tearful eyes meeting his boyfriend’s once again. “So, that’s what I see.”

Thick silence sat hung in the air between the two men as they simply looked at one another, both keeping many words unsaid. All Luke wanted to do was lay his boyfriend down and pepper him with kisses and compliments, while Spencer only wanted to feel the comfort of his own clothes against his flesh again. They were like his protection from the world- the more clothes he wore, the less others could see of him. It had always baffled Luke when he wore a cardigan in 80 degree weather, but it was the little things like that that made him feel safe, even if he was constantly on the verge of passing out from the heat. “Can… I put my clothes back on now?”

“Yeah,” Luke said, his voice a near whisper. “I’m sorry, Spencer, I never realized-”

“It’s okay,” he cut him off, “not a lot of people do.” Spencer reached for the bed, grabbing his boxers and slipping them back on, already feeling more comfortable with the fabric against his skin. Although it was only a few minutes that he stood in front of the mirror, the awful feeling of discomfort that he worked effortlessly to put at bay began to creep up on him. It was, without a doubt, exhausting. “Thanks for the help today, but I think I’m going to hit the hay. I’m just-”

“Drained, emotionally?” Luke offered, a feeling of guilt washing over him when the taller man nodded. “Do you mind if I stay?”

A shallow smile decorated Spencer’s lips as he nodded. “Not at all.” Reid climbed onto the bed and pulled the covers over himself. Getting into bed was always one of his favourite parts of the day. The warm embrace of his fluffy blanket was like sensory heaven, always helping to calm him after a rough day. “There should be some leftover Chinese in the fridge if you’re hungry.” Spencer hadn’t paid much attention to the rest of the world once he was cozy under the covers, and the last thing he had expected was for Luke to climb into bed behind him, having already changed into a set of pyjamas he knew Spencer loved the feel of, and pull him close, his chest resting against Spencer’s back. Neither said a word, but they both enjoyed the contact.

They both laid in the comfortable silence, letting their breath and heartbeats sink, chests rising and falling in time with one another. Spencer was sure the man behind him was asleep until he heard his name being muttered softly behind him. “Spencer,” Luke repeated, earning a small hum from the other man to acknowledge his words. “I love you. You know that, right?” Reid was almost shamefully quiet, his eyes squeezing shut as he tried to believe what Luke said.

“You shouldn’t,” he finally whispered, breaking Luke’s heart all over again. “I’m not worth it.” Spencer could practically hear the people taunting him, telling him he was worthless while he struggled in his constraints, convincing him that there wasn’t a single lovable thing about himself.

Before, Luke would’ve scolded Spencer, assuming that it was just his own self-doubt, but now he knew it was more than that. Fighting yourself was one thing, but fighting the voices that lingered in your head was another. “I don’t care what they said,” Luke stated, his breath ghosting against Spencer’s neck as he spoke. “You’re worth everything.” He could tell Spencer didn’t believe it.

“I love your hair. It’s so fluffy and messy and so perfectly you.”

“Luke,” Spencer muttered, “you don’t need to do this.”

“But I want to. I love your eyes, how they can convey so much without you even saying a word. And I love your cheeks and the way they light up when I fluster you. Your lips are incredible, so soft and soothing, and your smile can light up an entire room.” A soft sigh fell from Spencer’s lips as he listened to Luke.

“Your arms are amazing and I always feel safe when you hold me. And your hands. They’re so strong, yet so gentle.” Luke stopped to place a tender kiss against the crook of his neck, brightening the smile on his face.

“Your chest is always the perfect place for me to rest my head while you remind me how much I mean to you. I love your stomach, and the way that your muscles are defined in a way that’s so uniquely you.” His hand ghosted over Spencer’s abs, tracing the light definition around them.

Luke slid his hand around a little, gently rubbing his boyfriend’s stomach before resting on his hip. “You also have a very nice ass,” he stated matter-of-factly, only a slight goofiness in his tone.

Spencer could only gauf in response. “Luke!” He reached behind himself and let the back of his hand hit Alvez’s chest while blush coated his cheeks.

A languid hum passed Luke’s lips, causing a shiver to run down the younger man's spine when he placed a chaste kiss to the back of his neck. “It’s true,” he muttered, his voice muffled by the other’s skin.

A small sigh escaped Spencer’s lips. “Thank you,” he’d muttered, burying his face in a pillow to hide his embarrassment.

“See, now that’s the proper response,” Luke stated, pressing a kiss against the other’s shoulder blade.

“Luke, mi vida [2],” Spencer breathed, the shiver that went down his spine from the kiss leaving him near breathless.

“I’m not done yet, hermoso [3].” Luke continued the way he had before, listing every little feature about Spencer from head to toe and one of the many reasons he loved it. “I love you,” Luke whispered, gently kissing at the other's neck, “and there's a million reasons why I should. You’re kind, you’re smart, you’re handsome, and you love me. What’s not to love about that?”

Spencer didn’t say anything in response. He couldn’t, and he didn’t need to. The way that he pulled Luke's hand to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of his hand was enough to show how much it meant to him. “I know it doesn’t fix anything that anyone’s said, but I hope you hear my voice in your head next time you or anyone else says anything ill about you.”

There were so many things Spencer could’ve said. Thousands of words passed through his mind, each one part of a thought he ever so desperately needed Luke to know. The most important one, however, was the only thing he said. The rest could wait.

“I love you.”

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Translations: [1]Darling [2]My life (affectionate nickname for one’s partner) [3]Beautiful

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