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brainmatter seems like a pretty cool color to paint my walls

#tw #tw self destructive behavior #im so mentally ill i physically cant cope any other way #genuinly everyone in my life has left me except 2 people #i have no one left #this is literally me pleading for a normal life #too bad i dont have to balls to attempt again #that shit kills you bro

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im like.. so close to going through and removing a ton of my followers (instagram) and friends (snapchat and discord) just because im so tired of having easy access to people that radiate energy i dont need. finally blocked my ex on everything, blocked his girlfriend, i want to block all his friends, i want to block everyone that bullied me, and i want to go from 980+ followers to 50. im so DONE. i have so many discord friends i dont talk to anymore and have no interest in. and fuck i dont even know half my snapchat friends. most of them dont like me and if they actually saw me irl would hatecrime me. im tired of pretending to be someone im not. i dont like the attention

#social media #social media purge #im so mentally ill i physically cant cope any other way #finally coming to accept i was abused #or once again maybe im making everything up #social media sucks #vent #cw vent #mental illness

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april 9th. 8.32am 2024

// long vent //

tw for sui ideation and sh ment (not the act)

recently things have been really hard. for the past 6months my most intense thoughts have only been "omg i need to kms right now slash srs" but i never acted on it. not again. ive been really good about self harm cravings but this weekend was different. my boyfriend was over and i dont know what happened. suddenly everything went black and white and i split on him. it lasted a few days and took me many more days to even figure out why i was feeling that way. but i still dont know the trigger.

while he was over it felt like my entire world was crumbling and there was nothing i could do to stop it. it felt like i wasnt enough. i was terrified he would leave me and that secretly he didnt even want me. and this was really out of the blue because weve been dating for 6months now and were romantically talking for a whole YEAR before we even put a label on it. i know how much he loves me and i know he would never cheat. but something was different. suddenly everything came over me and i had intense needs to feel that again. like it was the only thing to stableize me. like i deserved it. dealing with this addiction for years and then one day just deciding to quit is difficult.

im truthfully just rambling. im probably making everything up. i like to make things up in my head and then get sad about it.

recently its felt like im losing everyone. all 3 of my brothers and my sister are joining/in the army. my boyfriend is graduating. ever since i left my extra curricular i lost all my friends. i dont talk to anyone anymore. i used to have so many friends. i used to never understand how anyone could ever just have one friend. but i do now. and it hurts. and i want it to end.

#tw vent #tw sh related #vent #sh #actually bpd #bpd vent #bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd splitting #tw sui ideation

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Movies

- To The Bone

- Perfect Body

- Sharing the Secret

- The Love of Nancy

- Secret Between Friends

- Thinspiration/Starving in Surburbia

- Feed

- The Road Within

- Vincent Wants to Sea

- My Skinny Sister

- Girl Interrupted

- Little Miss Perfect

- Karen Carpenter Story

- Dying to Dance

- Hunger Point

- Kate’s secret

Tv Shows

- Red Band Society

- Make it or Break it

- Glee

- Supersize vs Superskinny

- Starved

- Holly Oaks

- Degrassi

- CSI: The Hunger Artist

- Dr. Phil

Documentaries

- Thin

- Dying to be Thin

- Thin Club

- I’m a Child Anorexic

- Living Sz0

- Extremely Thin Celebrites

- Desperately Hungry Housewives

- A Beautiful Tradegy

- Dying to be Anorexic

- Out of Sight: Invisible ED’s

- Super Slim Me

Books

- Wintergirls

- Elena Vanishing: A Memoir

- Brave Girl Eating

- Unbearable Lightness

- Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia & Bulimia

- How to Disappear Completely

- Diary of an Anorexic Girl

- Being Ana: A Memoir of Anorexia Nervosa

- Beautiful Me

- After the Strawberry

- Letting Ana Go

- Skinny

- Kid Rex

- Second Star to the Right

- My Perfect Little Secret

🎀 lmk which newer ones I should add 🎀

#boxofvanishingsenses #tw #weightloss #ana help #tw ed thoughts #thinspo #anorecsick #eating disoder trigger warning #ana trigger #edblrr

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i need this shirt asap 😒😒😒

#tw self destruction #tw self destructive behavior #ana trigger #tw ana diary #tw ana shit #ana rant #anorex14 #ana recipe #ana meal #ana #analog #ana male #ana dairy #ana and mia #tw ana fast #anorexigenic #anorexcya #anorexia #anorexic #anore×14 #anoreksik #anorexies

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eating disorders were probably made by satan himself. revisiting ana tumblr feels just. grotesquely disturbing now. it's not just sad, it's sick. very, very sick. and since I'm not struggling with an ed anymore i can finally see that. they're all sick and i DO want them to recover. but i don't know if i could ever be that deluded again, that INSISTENT on thinness to a disordered and potentially life threatening degree. it was one of the worst times of my fucking life, i was miserable and in so much fucking pain from hunger ALL THE GODDAMN TIME yet convinced myself "eating is punishment, food = bad, gaining weight is disgusting and if you gain weight you should kill yourself," etc etc. even when i became SO EXHAUSTED i couldn't get out of goddamn bed anymore or barely stay awake during classes and everyone, I mean everyone knew what was going on. but i didn't see that as too far.

it's just. horrible. horrible to even think about.

suffering with anorexia REALLY changed my perspective on that kinda shit. made me realise, i suppose, what it's really like from the lens of someone obsessed with thinness.

it isn't just "vanity" like I thought it was when I was younger. it was pain. fear. self hate to an extreme degree. anxiety and depression. it's hell.

and i don't wish that on anyone. i seriously, seriously don't.

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every idol must have her final show!

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He looks so short I love this

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puts this in my bio

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:/// kinda done with life

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"beautiful people with your insecurities <3" i literally have multiple things wrong with my face. multiple things make me look bad.