awkwardlyashalee

[awkwardlyashalee]

[awkwardlyashalee]

Basket of flowers

#flowers #the awkward lens

[awkwardlyashalee]

Netflix and catnaps

#cat #netflix #the awkward lens

[awkwardlyashalee]

Tell me about these flowers

#wildflower #the awkward lens

[awkwardlyashalee]

#wildflowers #the awkward lens

[awkwardlyashalee]

#wildflower #the awkward lens

[awkwardlyashalee]

.....

Today I find it hard to breath My mind is in a repetitive state reminding me I’m not happy Yesterday was fine yesterday I was motivated to survive Today my heart dances with the aches of a soul that’s always settling for less than she even thinks she deserves In this moment every effort is pointless Every dream is a shame I see the people whom I’ve always see the best in for crude gestures they’ve never bothered to hide In my relationship I see so much lost time in the soon he’ll change He will change. Right? Wallowing in the despairing moment I went from blissful ignorance of his wrongs to hidden tears in the pillow sheets So why do I settle My depression mixes truth with lies So who can I trust You love me, real or not real? Telling me since I’m unhappy I must wanna die What that’s extreme We were just okay..... Just okay, just okay? Then were you ever happy anyways? Can’t I go back to just surviving I’m worth it. Real or not real? You see I don’t question my life much outside of my depression states Existence is bearable when you’re mindlessly settling Now I lie awake during another “episode”buried in my own regrets I’m a total fuck up. Real or not real? Till next depression’s venom finishes settling in I become perfectly numb Incapable of humaning This feeling laced with days of paralysis that prevents me from awaking from my own slumber No longer a person but instead an purposeless, infected lump of flesh unable to move May as well be dead. Real or not real?

[awkwardlyashalee]

Chills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUHC9tYz8ik&feature=share

#billie eilish

[awkwardlyashalee]

I couldn’t tell you what it felt like to be that girl trapped beneath the force of a shadow meant to protect her innocent soul. You’re lucky she doesn’t remember her hero coming to her recuse Jerking the erased image from above her Calling forth every brave cell in his god fearing body to assist him with the strength he would need not to leave you a bloody mess in front of his daughter You were young, this he knew, his baby girl much younger Most bones still in a predevelopment stage eager for the day they were strong enough for a forward facing car seat so she too finally could see where they were going. No longer confined to just were they had been. Oh, but even now that her bones have grown even strong enough for her to fight back, at night she relives forgotten memories of where the darkest shadows have been. Although she was too young to remember her subconscious never forgot. A helpless soul was left fighting endless battles in her most vulnerable state never knowing what forces shoved such violent images in her head. Don’t worry. She forgave you. Even after years of bleeding fingers insufferably sorting through mental puzzles, she forgave you. At what cost though? At the cost of a normal trusting love life, at the cost of many sleepless nights, the cost of her freedom from shame, the cost of trusting her own sanity, sorting nightmares from reality, of her trust. You see, when your brain forces you to fear the same shadow over and over for countless nights starting from the depths of your youth, before you even know a rumor about the birds and the bees, you start to question what’s real and how your slumber ever came to this. Was she a demon child. Shame to leave a youthful mind wallowing in such… shame. I don’t know what you meant to take from her that night, however; if it was her since of safety don’t you let your conscious suffer. You can take peace in knowing you weren’t the first teacher to unwelcomely hand out your version of a life lesson on how cruel the world could be. You should have more credit anyways, you were her saving grace. You’re the moment her parents decided they could no longer trust anyone. So, thank you for being the last to devour her childhood innocence.

#childhood memories #writing is my therapy #therapy #childhood innocence #protection #broken #honestly chills tho

[awkwardlyashalee]

Asking him not to enable my depression is my greatest struggle yet. Please take me dancing, I’m so tired of sleeping. Distract my heart with a wild and thrilling love story; stop letting my depression become my only love.

#depression #take care of her #anxiety #love #support me

[awkwardlyashalee]

To the girl with the sad eyes. The girl who’s loss courage to be alive. Who am I to tell you life worth living. When I’m toss within the waves of an ocean salted with those same feelings. The life line like a mint candy makes being saved look appetizing. But when the line is tied to a drowning boat who will keep your precious faith afloat. The horizon silver lined with tomorrow’s promises but a last the mirage you see keeps you feeling like you’re almost there though the world moves on flipping it’s pages. So you hold tight to the door that floats you above sea level wishing you could open it and finally be free from your mental suffering; however, you must truly know that if you open the floating door it will welcome the kraken deep within, that’s been waiting to drag you into the darkest depths of the sea. His eyes show true darkness and emptiness. His eyes also promise freedom from the unknown. So shall we float together on the eternal sea of hope or do we give ourselves away to the kraken.

#poem #words #lost #lost at sea #depression #relatable #kraken

[awkwardlyashalee]

I can’t afford a therapist, so social media it is.

#I think it’s time for a therapist

[awkwardlyashalee]

She wears her heart on her sleeve because of that she won’t just let anyone in. Being emotionally exposed to the world weeds out those who have no intentions to love her quicker She craves true friendship not meaningless, empty connections She figures if you know she’s broken yet you choose to stay around you’re worth letting in

[awkwardlyashalee]

Small Revelations

I already forgot it.

#story of my life

[awkwardlyashalee]

Something a Book told me: “not every mother deserves her children’s love. But, beware of marrying a man who doesn’t love and respect his mother. She’s his first love in a way, and the nature of his relationship with her embeds deeply in his psyche. If he hates her or is indifferent to her, he could easily turn on you. It may not be obvious at first, but when things don’t go well for him, he’ll blame you. Hold out for true love; don’t settle for neediness or mere possessiveness. “ This was really insightful.

The Girl Who Could Read Hearts

#books #letters #advice

[awkwardlyashalee]

Emotionally available.

#🤔

[awkwardlyashalee]

In a hypothetical experience

I saw the question here on tumblr, if we lived in a world with no men for a day, keep in mind all men are safe in this experiment (probably on another planet having a bbq together, discussing manly stuff), what would do? Me? I’d wish that day had more time so I could travel the world. Could imagine, me a woman with anxiety, a woman that doesn’t go a day in the world without men both nice and creepy complimenting the features of her face and body, traveling by herself without fear of being raped? If I didn’t have to worry about what a man would do to me out there in the world on my own. I’d never stop traveling. I mean fuck this unconventional life. I’d rather be traveling but I live in a work where my anxiety becomes me. A world where men constantly remind me how they wish they could have me. Gross. Any tips on safe traveling tho? If I weren’t bound to a certain life style I’d figure I’ll just say fuck it all and just travel one day.

#travel #safe world for women #hypothetically