anxious-talk

[anxious-talk]

Anxiety Inducing Reactions

These are some wise words coming from someone who has had severe anxiety for 6 years; if we tell you (i.e a close friend, parent, family member, colleague, acquaintance) that something you do is extremely anxiety inducing for us, maybe try to refrain from doing it around us, or at all (you never know who you come across in the big wide world that will also be affected by it.

Now before anyone comes for me, I am well aware that sometimes these anxiety inducing traits are just that; personality traits. Some of them are bad habits (FYI, you can't ever ‘break’ a habit, you can only replace an old one with a new one. The more you know…). Sometimes it’s the person's way of saying ‘fuck you’, as they continue to do said thing even when they know it is triggering for you.

Either way, sometimes it can't be changed. But a lot of the time, it can be controlled, or at least managed better.

I have a lot of things that trigger me randomly.

For a while, Youtube videos were badly triggering for me; some of them still are.

News reports about housing prices trigger me, but that’s just because I will probably never be able to afford property (partially because the average is sitting around 900k right now, and also partially because I am horrible at saving my money…)

But one thing that has always triggered me, even before I was diagnosed with severe anxiety at age 14, is someone mumbling under their breath.

There are two kinds of reactions to this;

That’s the dumbest thing, just get over it.

OH MY GOD FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!

I have never mumbled under my breath, unless I am trying to be quiet in the middle of a lecture and am asking someone a question. But apart from that, I don’t mumble. I am a very naturally loud person.

But this is not the sort of shy, bumbling mumble that I am pissed off at.

It’s the on purpose, cursing under your breath, wanting someone to know you are annoyed at them kind of mumbling. The kind that makes you ask ‘what did you just say?’ as someone is walking away from a fight.

There is one particular person in my life (who shall go unnamed, but if they are reading this, they know exactly who they are) that does this ALL THE TIME!

It is not only extremely anxiety inducing for me, but it is, in my opinion, extremely rude. If you have something to say to me, then say it to my face. Do not walk away from me and mumble it under your breath, thinking you won’t be caught out. My hearing is pretty good, so 95% of the time, I catch exactly what has been said.

It’s a blatant show of disrespect to someone, and would get you in trouble from a boss, or a parent (if you are their child), and can quite easily cause further arguments between friends or partners.

It is even more frustrating when you have told them that it makes you feel anxious, and they continue to do it MULTIPLE times. As I am writing this, someone has just done it to me 3 times; mutter 3 separate things under their breath as they walked away from my desk with work they have to do.

It not only gives yourself a bad, disrespectful look, but it also weakens a strong relationship between two people (which is most certainly the case between myself and the unnamed party).

Just a word to the wise to anyone with a nasty habit like this, because anxious people do not like it.

#lifestyle #anxiety #advice #anxiety advice #mental health #journalism #journalism student #blog #personal blog #blogging

[anxious-talk]

A peek into the author

The World Health Organisation has defined Mental Health as “a state of well-being. Mental health is defined as a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his community.”

To many, this has come as a shock. Too often do we see the literal words ‘mental health’ mentioned in a negative, and almost derogatory, way. When anyone mentions the almost controversial topic, it’s immediately met with a mix of responses, most of which are negative, and often extremely offensive to someone with a diagnosed mental health condition.

In today’s wild era, roughly 7.0% of adolescent’s (WHO categorises this as anyone between the ages 10 and 19) are diagnosed with anxiety disorders, with separation anxiety and social anxiety as the most commonly diagnosed, according to a 2015 report The Mental Health of Children and Adolescent’s done by the Victorian Government. As someone who was diagnosed with anxiety from the ripe age of 14, I have been on the tail end of mixed responses from family, friends, colleagues, and even complete strangers.

I refused to tell my friends, feeling embarrassed about the whole situation, and not wanting any horrible rumors to spread around my school (this happened frequently, so my anxiety over that was completely rational).

My parents were informed, seeing as it was my school that actually recommended I seek help, and I wasn’t of the legal age to attend a GP by myself, thus my mum tagged along to the mental health assessment. They tried to inform seemingly everyone else in my family, to my horror. They claimed it was to spread awareness, and build a support network around me, but to my 14-year-old mind, it felt like they were betraying my trust, and just finding any old hot topic to bring up over the dinner table.

The only people that regularly spoke to me about my mental health at the time was my school counselor (an amazing woman, truly. I don’t know how she dealt with me each week), and my psychologist at the time (who’s named I STILL don’t know to this day) who I saw fortnightly, sometimes in private sessions and sometimes in group sessions with other similar aged females.

5 years on from that, I am back seeing a psychologist every few weeks (because the Australian Health System only lets you have 10 sessions with a psychologist each year and my wage certainly wouldn’t cover extra sessions), and have just recently been put on a mild form of SNRI, which is usually meant to treat depression, but is also commonly used for anxiety. My wage also doesn’t cover psychiatrist bills, but I am fortunate that it Medicare covers most of it, and I have parents who are willing to help out if it eventually betters my mental wellbeing.

You could say my mental wellbeing took a turn for the worst.

I stopped seeking ‘professional help’ shortly into 2015 when I thought I could handle it on my own, and just seeing my therapist at school was enough. While she worked wonders with me, I still probably could have benefited from a psychologist as well.

It wasn’t until 2018 when I realized everything was turning downhill, and I needed help fast. I actively sought out help, which is a huge step in the right direction for anyone with a mental health condition that is wanting to get treatment. I emailed the old clinic I used to go to, I went to see my new GP about a mental health care plan and was put through the mental health assessment by a lovely woman named Nina when I showed up at the clinic in May.

It was about a 5-week wait for a psychologist, and I was finally seen by my current psychologist whose name shall be left from this post, simply for her own privacy (it’s an extremely uncommon name). I get along with her great, and it doesn’t feel very clinical and professional like all of the movies and TV shows I saw as a kid, which is great. It is extremely important that you get along with ANY health care professional you see frequently; GP’s, psychologists, psychiatrists, dieticians, gynecologists, and any kind of specialist you might need/want to see. You have to build a great relationship with them, otherwise, you will feel uncomfortable, and not let out your true concerns.

She’s helped me with a lot of things.

One of my main concerns is eating. I do not have a diagnosed eating disorder, although my year 7 teacher would probably argue with you (seriously, she tried to force me into an anorexia clinic simply because I was coughing up phlegm! In the middle of winter!)

I have little issues with my body. I have always been slim and very tall, so naturally, my slimness is even more highlighted. I have small assets, which is where my body issues lie, but apart from that, I’d actually maybe like to see more weight on my stomach and thighs.

My eating anxiety stems from when I had braces. I was terrified of people catching me with food stuck in my braces, as well as various incidents of eating too many hot dogs and smearing sauce over my face. This slowly developed into a fear of eating ANYTHING in front of people I wasn’t comfortable with.

I ate burgers and pizza with a knife and fork, to minimize any mess, and to make portions small and ‘ladylike’.

I avoided using chopsticks or eating Asian cuisines, especially when I was dating my now ex-boyfriend, who was Chinese.

I slowly slimmed down my portions, because I knew my body couldn’t actually consume a normal amount of food (my stomach apparently is just very tiny when it comes to any food of actual sustenance) and didn’t want the disappointed faces of my parents burned in my brain.

I had always eaten in a separate living space to my family, which probably only further amplified my anxiety, meaning now I sat at different tables at family events and friend get-togethers.

I was always last to the Christmas feast because I didn’t want people to see what I was putting on my plate.

And I never EVER ate at the buffet. I couldn’t think of anything worse.

The past 6 or so months with my new psychologist have proven to be useful. I had to list 10 anxiety-inducing things to do with eating, from mild to extreme, and each week was set with a homework task, slowly working my way from the bottom to the top. Each time I saw her, I was to report on whether I did it or not, how it felt, and if I was ready to move on to the next one. It isn’t about completely overcoming the fear. It is about being comfortable enough that it doesn’t induce such horribly painful anxiety.

2019 is the year I want to work on my fear of intimacy/unsolicited touching.

Again, this stems from a completely rational series of events. Events that, unfortunately, many people (yes, PEOPLE!) in this modern world have experienced. I have been sexually assaulted by multiple different people and at different times. This does not mean rape if that is what has immediately come to mind.

The CASA Forum (Centres Against Sexual Assault) defines sexual assault as “any behavior of a sexual nature that makes someone feel uncomfortable, frightened, intimidated or threatened. It is sexual behavior that someone has not agreed to, where another person uses physical or emotional force against them. It can include anything from sexual harassment through to life-threatening rape. Some examples listed in a PDF include stalking, unwanted touching, unwanted sexual comments or jokes, pressuring for dates/demand for sex and offensive written material.

Hence why I reiterate; MANY PEOPLE HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS. Seriously, just google some statistics. It’s incredible the numbers that stack up. #NoMeansNo.

But this isn’t just a fear stemming from my horrible dating experiences.

I genuinely just hate being touched.

When close family members (I’m looking at you dad) squeeze me into their chest just after I’ve eaten dinner, even after I’ve warned them I will projectile vomit everywhere, it makes me feel like my worries and my aversions to physical intimacy are being ignored because they’re uncommon.

This isn’t to say I don’t touch people or want to be touched.

I just want to initiate it.

I will avoid most family members at a gathering unless I am close with them. Close aunts and uncles will get kisses on the cheek. Younger cousins will get loose hugs they can back out of (I know what it’s like to be 14 and not want my older relatives putting me in what feels like a chokehold).

I’ve just started giving my older brother hugs when I leave his new house, seeing as we only see each other every other month since he moved out, rather than every day at my childhood home.

I will greet certain friends with hugs upon seeing them after a long time and will let them lie on my shoulder when coming back from a wild night out drinking (I am the mum in this situation ALWAYS now, seeing as I no longer drink).

But those greetings are on my own terms. They are people I feel immensely comfortable with. They are greetings and goodbyes.

It’s the bits in between I don’t like. The cuddling on the couches. The random hugs in the kitchen when I’m trying to get a drink of water or wash the dishes.  The random brushing of my hair with their fingers when we’re sitting next to each other (seriously, do not touch my hair. I hate it, and I haven’t washed it in 4 days).

I am trying to work on this. Or at least, I am trying to get better about communicating my avoidance of physical intimacy. I would like to find that person I am incredibly comfortable with, and whom I won’t flinch away from when they randomly trap me in a back hug.

I don’t know if this was brought on by my own want to fix it, or by the fact that everyone seems to be telling me that as an almost 20-year-old, physical intimacy is an IMPORTANT part of my life right now, and I shouldn’t be avoiding it. Maybe you should just stop worrying about my sex life, and starting worrying about your own marriage, you nosy little shit.

This post doesn’t really have a moral.

It is a little peek into the last 5 ish years of my struggling with anxiety.

I am not defined by my anxiety. I do not introduce myself as the girl with anxiety.

But it is a part of me, and I can't ignore it anymore. Ignoring it does no favors. I am ready to face it head on and tame this beast so it only attacks when it needs to.

I just hope you can do the same.

#lifestyle #anxiety #advice #anxiety advice #mental health #journalism #journalism student #blog #personal blog #blogging