alwayssxd

[alwayssxd]

i had a dream about what happened to us last night. but instead of you, it was a different person. everything that happened was the same though. i felt the same way i felt that night. the fear and anxiety.

it’s scary how i still remember everything so vividly. and the scariest part is that tmr is gonna be two years since it happened. two fucken years and i still haven’t fully processed it all. how long until i can finally think about you without having a full on panic attack.

you were once my everything. you were everything i ever wanted. and i was happy. i hate how they got to decide our future. i hope you’re well. i miss you. and love you always.

like we always said, “para siempre” even if we aren’t together. i wish you the best.

#112021 #imysm #<333

[alwayssxd]

i really like you but there’s just something missing and i don’t know how to tell you.

[alwayssxd]

i feel like you’re in love w the thought of me

and not actually the person i am.

#sad but true #please let this work #i really like this one

[alwayssxd]

lol this ones gonna hurt so bad.

#jpp #heart been broke so many times #prove me wrong

[alwayssxd]

i hate having a heavy heart.

#sad post #i hate it so much #shitpost #overthinking

[alwayssxd]

im slowly getting forgotten. so many people who say they care for me, but yet i feel so alone. i don’t blame them. i don’t even text back anymore. i can’t carry a conversation anymore. they have their own lives and problems. i just make their lives worse. they’ll move on without me. that’s okay though. i wasnt meant to be in someone’s life permanently. bc im not good enough.

im just so tired of it all.

october 11 ,2020 12:23am

#sad post #im in pain #life suuuuucks #im not enough

[alwayssxd]

i really hope you’re okay.

[alwayssxd]

i tell myself you’re just another boy.

but thats the thing. you’re not. you were my other half , my best friend & my safe place. my happiness. bc of you life wasn’t so bad. bc of you i actually wanted to go to school & worked harder. bc of you i would fall asleep with a smile on my face. bc of you i was starting to love myself

i lost everything when we were torn apart. now im just lost. and im so tired of feeling like this.

we could have been happy.

but maybe we just weren’t meant to be together forever.

i just hope you know were the best & i wouldn’t have chosen anyone else to be my first love.

i love you para siempre twotwo. please remember that.

august 9.2020 , 11:55pm

#lettingyougo #first love #para siempre #thank you for everything #a message for you

[alwayssxd]

something i really hate about myself is that

it’s literally impossible for me to let go.

of anything . . . anyone.

my heart holds onto them for however long it can even if it hurts me. it doesn’t want to accept that they’re gone.

for once i just want to put myself first.

“the more you put them first , the more you teach yourself you come second”

july 2, 2020 12:52am

#sad post #2am thoughts #i hate it so much

[alwayssxd]

no matter what happens

i know i will always love you

forever

like i promised

i will always be in love with you. bc you were the first person to ever love the real me. you taught me how to love. you showed me true love is.

you will forever be in my heart

“para siempre”

11:20pm june 25 2020

#for my love #spilled heart #im sorry #im in tears #im in pain #soulmate

[alwayssxd]

i hate the person im becoming. im not motivated to do anything anymore. im not productive. i just eat and play on my phone all day. i cant find excitement in anything. i don’t know what’s going on. yeah, we could blame it all on being quarantined, but im scared im gonna stay like this. or even worse , i get worse and just lose myself even more. i don’t know what to do. i feel so alone. it hurts. i don’t know who i am anymore. i miss the old me. i miss feeling happy. feeling warm inside. feeling like a somebody.

please , i just need a second to breathe.

11:07pm , may 19 2020.

[alwayssxd]

i tried to love someone else. but i couldnt. i didn’t understand why though. did i forget how to love ? but now i noticed. i couldnt love him , because everywhere i looked , i was looking for you. i wanted him to call me beautiful every five seconds like you did. i wanted good morning & good night paragraphs, or random little paragraphs about how much he loved me. i wanted goofy snaps and random facetime calls. i wanted him to get sad when i lagged , just like you did. i wanted him to say he missed me and wanted me in his arms. i wanted him to ask how my day was or how i was doing. i wanted him to say he loved me , like how you did.

but

he wasn’t you.

i will always be in love you.

may 6 , 2020 @11:04pm

[alwayssxd]

i feel like there isn’t a point to me being here. no one needs me. no one cares. no one would care if i just left. im useless.

the one person who needed me , has been taken away from my life. the one person who genuinely made me so happy , is now alone like I am. he was my person. the only one i needed and wanted. if i could have anything in this world , id ask for him.

11:40am || april 28

[alwayssxd]

i feel like im never gonna be genuinely happy ever again. i don’t know who i am anymore. i just have this hole inside my chest. eveything i do is pointless. im not enough. im tiring but i have no motivation to keep going. my life just keeps going downhill as the day goes by. i hate who i am. i hate that i care about every single little thing. i hate that im sensitive. im not meant to be here.

what do i do now?

31920@1:13am

[alwayssxd]

i just feel so lost. so empty. im so attached to you. my hearts in pieces. i don’t know how im ever gonna recover. my minds all over the place. i still need you. please come back.

[alwayssxd]

and just like that summer’s over. i should be glad. not having to be in a environment where all i get it screamed at. where i feel like a piece of shit. where i feel unhappy and unsafe. but i really don’t want to go back. all the stress and anxiety school brings. plus sleepless nights and not even eating right. i mean whats the point? why do we need to be successful in life in order to have the best life. why is everything always a race into who got first place. or who’s smarter than who. why cant we all just be equal and love eachother for who we are and who we want to be. idk just something we should all think about. as you can tell im not happy. i thought i was. but some nights , i just break down. and feel like absolute shit about myself. and i tell myself all these negative things and i start looking back at the past & how if i did this , everything would have been different now. i just really miss when life was easy and carefree

havent wrote here in forever. tonight i feel empty inside.

#takemeback #sorry for the rant #unhappy

[alwayssxd]

can’t unmiss you

come back to me