voidwalker007

[voidwalker007]

I’m 21 and trying to be better. I’m always so harsh and caustic when it comes to myself, that I never forgive myself for things that, if anyone else had done them, I would have. I’m unfair to myself. I have friends now, a whole group of them. I hang out with my siblings alot more- I never finished college but I do have a job working for some family. I could afford to plan for a Disney trip in November coming up. I’m trying to make plans to keep myself here, because I need to have something to look forward to. I don’t think I’ll ever love myself the way I love other people, but I can at least surround myself with people that do. Plus I started going to therapy for my gender, which has helped. I’m gonna be changing my name first, then hopefully start hormones, something I never thought I’d even get the chance to do. A dream that gets closer and closer to becoming real. I wish I could hold every younger iteration of myself and tell them it’ll get better. It won’t be perfect, but it’ll be better.

I came out to my family. My immediate family, anyway, parents and siblings. My dad uses the right name and trips up on pronouns only sometimes. My siblings get it right to varying degrees. My mom calls me by the right name exaggeratedly. It’s better than nothing.

I broke up with that guy a while back. 2022 or something like that. It’s helped. I actually have a crush on one of my new friends at the moment and haven’t quiet worked up the courage to do anything about it but, it’s something at least.

My life isn’t over just because I’m older than I ever planned to be when I was younger. I still can’t really imagine myself older, but maybe I’ll get there one day. Either because I can imagine it or because I am older.

I wonder if living is even worth it. Like, I never wanted to live past 17, Hell I promised myself when I was like 5 that I’d kill myself surely before then or definitely At 17. But now I’m 19. I don’t even know if I want to be a doctor like I always used to say. I don’t even know if I’d want to be an artist. I still can’t imagine myself as an adult. I can’t picture myself older, I always thought I’d be dead by now. And now, I know no one will ever see me as who I want to be. No one will ever use the right pronouns, I’ll never be able to take hormones and I’ll never be able to get the surgeries to try and make myself less repulsive to me. So is it even worth it? There’s nothing I want in life. I don’t like life, 19 years and it’s all been trash. From abusive parents to mental health problems to being forced to go to college it’s just, I can never catch a fucking break with myself. I’m always thinking about suicide and I’m Always thinking about self harm. I’m just so tired and I don’t even want anything from life, I just want it to stop. To leave me out of it. Usually I reason with myself by saying shit about how my family or friends and how they would cope badly if I went but. But I have barely talked to anyone since my birthday in October. I’m so fucking lonely. I haven’t held any conversations that lasted. My boyfriend who I used to talk to daily has been ignoring me in favor of his new friends. He went to a different college and he’s in a dorm. He’s doing so much better now, and he’s ignoring me too. Literally it’s like the moment I’m removed from someone’s life their life improves. It’s a pattern across multiple people and I can’t help but feel like maybe everything would just be better for everyone if I just went and did It already. They wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, and I wouldn’t have to be like me anymore, Win win situation.

I’m so tired and I can barely eat or sleep anymore and I’m supposed to have straight As and I’m supposed to be happy and quiet but speak at the right time and be less sarcastic and just stop being rude. I just don’t want to be me. I don’t think I ever wanted to be me.

#random #void talks about nothin #random shit #time to vent in another post that i know no one will ever read like its my writing on the walls hidden behind a curtain in the theater #tw sui #sui #tw sui mention #tw sui ideation #sui thoughts #itll pass #itll get better

[voidwalker007]

Why the fuck is it december who did that

#random #random shit

[voidwalker007]

ya ever see someone's art and it makes your eyes flutter and your heart beat? Yeah.... <3

#artist #art #i love artist #i love art #i.... Love creation

[voidwalker007]

Meat is meat, is meat is meat, ykno?

#random #void talks about nothin #shit that i say in my head at random

[voidwalker007]

I look at my phone. Time is 3:30PM. Sounds reasonable. I go do a little busy work before realizing I can’t really do anything till a coworkers comes back. I check the time again. Time is 3:25PM. I stare at my phone before looking at the computer. Time is 3:25PM. I have no idea how I misread the time before, but I could have sworn… Time passes, I glance at clock. Time is 3:30PM. I watch the clock for an entire minute. Time is 3:31PM. Thankgod. I am not stuck in a timeloop.

#random #random shit #timeloop #i apparently can misread numbers so bad you wouldnt even believe-

[voidwalker007]

I am about to sit in a position so awful that when i stand i will Not be able to feel my legs below the knees for a while and then deal with pins & needles

#random #random shit

[voidwalker007]

Mmm… skaterade…

#random #void talks about nothin

[voidwalker007]

I’m sorry I love you still, so much, to the point where you still have such an effect on me, to the point where you can still hurt me and I can still be hurt by you.

#vent #time to vent in another post that i know no one will ever read like its my writing on the walls hidden behind a curtain in the theater

[voidwalker007]

GRRRRRR I LOVE DEAD SPACE!! I LOVE LEFT 4 DEAD 2!!!! I LOVE BIOSHOOOOOOCKKKK AAAAAAAAAAA

#its all about the VIBES #THE ATMOSPHERE #GRRRAAAAAAGGGHHHH #random

[voidwalker007]

Haha that funny moment when ur home alone sitting in the main room and listening to a song on repeat when suddenly you hear screaming so you pause the song but you don’t hear anything else so you call ur parent and take ur gun with you outside to look up and down the street and see nothing at all so u lock the door and end the call and play ur music again very quietly and u hear what sounds like someone pressing against the front door which is behind you down a hall and u think “it could be the wind-“ then you hear soft knocking, like the person knocking is hesitant, so u call ur parent again and take the gun to look out the peep hole and see nothing, then u crack the door open to check for packages and see nothing, then you open the door and look around the street and See Nothing. So u go back inside and lock the door back up and ur like “hahahaha. I am Haunted” but its ok bc parent is coming to pick u up so u dont die :)

#random #random shit #void talks about nothin #vent #scared #fear #i may die #ghost #? #haunted #there was NO ONE there #and i LOOKED

[voidwalker007]

Tmw you are ready to do a thing and then One (1) bad thing happens and suddenly you can’t do Anything because you’re fear of failing a Social Interaction of all things has you extremely ill in the mind and body.

#random #vent #random shit #void talks about nothin

[voidwalker007]

Owner of… what exactly?

#bot #fucking bots #tumblr bots

[voidwalker007]

My brother and i mimicking the voices of King Julien and Mort to recreate that scene where King Julian is in a wheelchair except in our version Mort was driving and purposely wrecked the car and King Julien was paralyzed from the waist down. And Mort killed King Julien’s live in nurse and replaced them before King Julien got robot legs in order to reenact revenge on Mort.

#random #meme #king julien #sibling moment

[voidwalker007]

Sometimes its 4 am and the only thing on my mind is the quote, “I’m bo-pin, and I’m peep-in”

Like little bo peep and her sheep… the bopes…

#random #random shit #bopin and peepin and sheepin

[voidwalker007]

I stg i have walked into the kitchen to get food 3 times now and every time i am distracted by something and forget till at least 10 minutes later when my stomach growls and im like “oh wait im hungry-“

#random #random shit #void talks about nothin #and is hungry

[voidwalker007]

According to my parents i have Never done anything around the house (Yknow, not like i do chores and make sure my siblings are fed) oh and also I should be glad I’m not having to pay rent to them (my parents) aNd I should be glad my father even pays the bills because, his words, “he’s never home so he couldn’t care less if the power went out or if the heating stopped”

Y’know. I should be grateful he doesn’t let his children freeze in fall in winter, how merciful he is.

And all of this was brought on because he and my ma suddenly decided they were both going to leave for a week and said fuck all about it till the night before they’re leaving aka A Monday- and I protested some because A) wtf and B)it would have been nice to know Before then because I’ll have to get my siblings up and to school when Usually I wake up Long after they’re gone to get to my own classes

And Finally, the last thing that pissed me off last night: My dad takes on this stupid Soft tone when he gets like that “oh you should be grateful I pay for you to exist” and “you need need to do something for this family, i never ask for much” and it honestly is worse than when he’s just screaming at one of us because he Still talks over me and ignores what I say but all with that tone that makes me feel like I’m a stupid unreasonable child.

#vent #personal vent #time to vent in another post that i know no one will ever read like its my writing on the walls hidden behind a curtain in the theater #bad mental health #family problems

[voidwalker007]

Tmblr has a follow limit???? I literally cant have shit in this bitch of a life smhhh

#tumblr #random #follow limit