timptoe

[timptoe]

As the Revel Meets the Day

And this is the second piece, which I wrote in less than a week. Four times someone sees Shepard in pain, and one time Shepard finally, finally has peace.

Because sometimes, even during the longest night of the longest year, you get a glimpse of the light returning.

Read it on Ao3.

--

let me die, let me drown lay my bones in the ground I will still come around  when the time for sleep is through

over hill, over dale through the valley and vale do not weep, do not wail I am coming home to you  - The Oh Hellos, “Thus Always to Tyrants”

—

pain

awful, excruciating pain

why

why can I feel pain

I shouldn’t be here

I should be done

I made the choice

a choice between three, but not a choice 

not really

only one option, pull the gun, fire at the weak point blow the whole thing to hell blow all of them to hell for us for them for him

Kaidan

I’m here

Kaidan

—-

He grunts as the bulkhead in front of them collapses forward. “That was too easy,” he mutters into his comm.

“Commander Bailey, what is that?” comes the low, terrified voice of the kid on his flank. Not a soldier, not even an adult, just a teenager he’d found huddled in a corner of the Presidium when the Reapers invaded. One of the few survivors he’d managed to hide in a burned-out storefront while the Reapers transported the whole goddamn Citadel to Earth. 

Earth. He can see it up there, in the cracks—the chasms—in the ceiling above his head. The automatic mass effect fields  are holding the air in for now, but he’s got no idea how long that’s gonna be for, not since that wave of red energy burst through the Citadel and fried anything with an on switch, from the internal communications array to his gun’s targeting computer to the fucking keepers. 

But not everything electrical. Not the mass effect fields automatically keeping gravity constant and the atmosphere stable. Not the helmets he and the kid are wearing on the off chance the atmosphere becomes unstable. And not the display screens all around the station, every one of which had started displaying the same message in the instant before the red wave swept through.

FIND HIM. And a set of coordinates.

“That,” Bailey says, answering the kid’s question, “is what we’re looking for. I think.”

It’s a pile of rubble, but it’s not. He’s no expert, but even with just a glance he can see that the tech half-buried amongst the twisted metal and sheared polymers is far, far beyond anything he’s ever seen on the Citadel or in any Alliance installation. He can’t even begin to guess what some of those pieces do, or even what material they’re made of. And really, he doesn’t care.

FIND HIM.

Somebody needs to be found.

“Alright folks,” he calls into his comm, gesturing to the gathered team behind him, “just like the last two times.”

Getting to this part of the Citadel was no mean feat. Along the way, they’d encountered more than a dozen other survivors who’d somehow survived the Reaper invasion, some of them drawn this direction by the message on the screens, others needing to rescued from rubble just like this.

Well. Not just like this.

But rubble’s rubble, and the team seems just as determined as Bailey to figure out what that final, unblinking message means. So they go to work.

It’s hours of digging. Hours of moving massive pieces of who-the-hell-knows-what. Hours of breaks, working in shifts, wondering out loud what that red wave was, why all the Reaper troops they encountered on the way were dead, why the Reaper ships they can just barely see through the chasms in the ceiling seem to be just floating derelicts, who it is that’s waiting under the rubble. Hours.

Until the moment comes.

“Commander, I think I found something!” the kid yells into his comm. Immediately, Bailey’s on his feet and running, lead in the pit of his stomach. He stops where the kid’s crouched, struggling to pull part of a bulkhead up.

Up and off of a pair of N7 greaves.

Bailey’s heart stops for the barest of moments. Holy shit. Then he bellows, “Over here!”

In seconds, dozens of hands have joined his and the kid’s, clutching at the bulkhead, lifting it carefully, revealing more of the buried figure. Precious seconds tick by as more of the rubble is cleared, more of the body is revealed, legs crushed but held together by state-of-the-art armor, chestplate all but melted away, bits of metal fused to the skin underneath but moving—somehow moving—with labored breath. The unmistakable red stripe on the right pauldron. The face, bruised and bloodied almost beyond recognition. Except for the single, piercing blue eye that locks onto Bailey.

“How…” Bailey says breathlessly.

“Who is it, Commander?” the kid asks.

Bailey kneels down next to the figure, gently takes his broken hand, feels the fingers weakly grip his. Something stirs within him, an emotion he doesn’t dare name, something he hasn’t felt since the Reapers took Earth. 

Maybe it’s gonna be alright.

He squeezes back and whispers, “It’s Shepard.”

Read the rest on Ao3.

#mass effect #mass effect 3 #kaidan alenko #male shepard #mshenko #longest night #post-destroy #i've got a lot of headcanons about what happens on the Citadel and Earth after Destroy #also eventually EDI comes back don't worry I'll eventually write that fic #just nice to have a little writing mojo back at the end of this stupid year #because sometimes the light really does come back #my writing

[timptoe]

The Longest Night

Tonight is the longest night of the year, and this has been a very, very long year for me. For lots of reasons, I haven't been able to write for the last six months. And then suddenly, last week, it came back. So I have two pieces. This first one has taken me an entire year to write. Kaidan holds vigil after Virmire on the longest night.

Because sometimes you don't know if the light's going to come back, and all you can do is wait.

Read it on Ao3.

---

When the sun is nearly blinding May you by it see everything As it was meant to be A wonder extraordinary Made to wander free and fearlessly Unto all eternity

Because death has lost already  - The Arcadian Wild, “A Benediction”

—

The candle flickers alone on the table.

He knows that this is against regulations. Alliance Naval Code 1493.4B, Kaidan thinks. Open flames are a safety hazard onboard all Alliance craft and are restricted to engineering purposes only with supervision. He knows the book back-to-front, committed the whole thing to memory before basic ended. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this. 

He just can’t bring himself to care.

It’s only been a few days since Virmire, but it feels like a lifetime since the last time he saw her. The cocky smirk on her face as she rushed off to report to Kirrahe and his squad, as if she’d won a prize and he’d lost. The click as she secured her helmet in place, now seeming all too ominous in its finality. Her lazy wave as he boarded the Normandy to secure the bomb, her fingers curling slightly as she disappeared from sight.

He wonders what Ashley would think about him using her candle like this. If she had been saving it for a special reason, or maybe had been a memento from her civilian days. He wonders if it had had any particular significance, why it had even been in her locker in the first place. He wishes he could ask her.

But he can’t.

Kaidan stares into the candle’s flame, turning those last moments over and over and over in his mind for the hundredth time in the last two days. Setting the timer on the bomb. Making peace with his imminent death. His stomach dropping as Ashley radios, “Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko.” Falling to the geth as they swarm the dropsite. Feeling his heart beat quicker when Shepard picks him up. Realizing that Shepard is saving him.

His eyes flick up to the door of the CO’s quarters on the far side of the mess, then quickly back down. The guilt at that last is almost as strong as the grief. He stares deep into the candle, searching for something. Answers. Absolution, maybe. 

Nothing comes.

The candle gutters for a moment, the slight hiss of the medbay door changing the air pressure in the mess. Soft footsteps approach, stopping a few meters away.

“Lieutenant.”

He scrubs his eyes before turning and acknowledging the asari with a nod. “Dr. T’Soni. You’re up late.”

She gives him a half smile. He’s still not familiar with asari physiology, but he suspects he knows what the slight discoloration around her eyes means. “I am finding it difficult to sleep.” The smile fades as she glances at the candle. “I do not wish to disturb you, though.”

Kaidan shakes his head and gestures to a chair. “Not at all. I couldn’t sleep either.”

Liara has a seat, and they sit in a soft silence for a while.

“It’s hers,” he murmurs into the stillness after a time. Liara doesn’t say anything, just looks his way. “The candle. It’s Ashley’s. I found it this morning when I was packing up her locker to send her stuff home. It was…” He trails off.

“You took it?”

He shifts in his seat. “It wasn’t on the manifest. Everything we bring onboard is supposed to be declared and written down. Alliance Naval Code 3120.32D, part 5.1.40b,” he recites from memory, “The division officer maintains a permanent file of itemized, descriptive inventory sheets for any personally owned tools, materials or equipment authorized to be brought on board.”

“Impressive,” Liara says with a slight curl to her lips.

Kaidan half-bows in his chair. “I do have a reputation to uphold.”

She gives him a sidelong glance. “Ashley told me once that you sleep with your regulation book under your pillow.”

“Those books are softer than our pillows,” he replies, the ghost of a smile pulling around his lips at the memory of a well-worn argument. “I just can’t believe she actually had contraband in her locker all this time.”

“Really?” Liara smiles softly. “Because that’s entirely in keeping with what I know about her.”

Kaidan chuckles. It feels good to laugh a little, but the sound dies quickly, swallowed by the darkness in the empty room. After a moment, in a small voice, he says, “I miss her.”

“I do, too.” She pauses, then tilts her head. “Then why burn her contraband, instead of keeping it?”

He sighs again, carding a hand through his hair. “It’s silly, really. I…” He stops, not sure how to explain.

“I apologize, Lieutenant, I did not mean to—“

“It’s the longest night,” he says abruptly. “Tonight. Back home, I mean.” Liara gives him an encouraging nod that seems only slightly baffled. “It’s a tradition of sorts. Religious, kind of, but not really, I guess.” He falls silent, unsure how to continue.

Liara gazes thoughtfully at him. “Tell me about it.”

He looks back at the candle, the tips of his ears feeling hot. The words come, unbidden. “My family aren’t religious, not like Ashley’s,” he begins. “Just not something my parents ever really cared about. Except once a year. There was this little chapel down the road from our cabin in the Canadian interior. We’d go to the cabin for school break every winter. December in the interior is…beautiful. High drifts of soft snow, evergreen trees dusted with the stuff. And at night, the stars mix with the aurora the create this sight that just…takes your breath away. Magical, to a kid.”

His head thrums with the memory. “Anyway, this chapel we’d go to was always decorated for Christmas. Ah, uh, old Earth holiday. Weirdly, we never went for Christmas Eve service, or any other service. But Mom always insisted we go to the one held for longest night.

“The chapel always started out dark, and quiet. Never a lot of people, maybe because it was rural, maybe because it was sort of depressing. The choir would sing quiet songs, and the pastor would say a few words, but he’d always end with some verse that says, the people walking in darkness have seen a great light. And then…”

He closes his eyes briefly, the sense memory intimately overwhelming. “People would start getting up, one by one, and lighting the candles around the walls. In memory of loved ones. In hopes for others. I just liked the act of lighting them when I was a kid, watching the fire, you know? And little by little, the whole chapel would just be…filled with light. Blazing, reflecting off the stained-glass, warming up the whole space. It was incredible. Always made my mom cry,” he chuckles, scrubbing at his face again. “And the pastor would send us out with the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness will not overcome it.”

Liara sits with that for a long moment, staring into the candle. Kaidan doesn’t say anything more.

After a while, she says softly, “It is a beautiful ritual.”

Kaidan ducks his head.

“Would it surprise you to learn that the asari have a similar ritual?”

He raises an eyebrow. “It would.”

She gives him a small smile. “The siarists tell a story gleaned from one of the older religions about the goddess Athame. The ritual involves the lighting first of one flame, then dozens, and finally hundreds as an echo of the goddess’ words in the story.”

“What did she say?” he asks.

She pauses for a moment, collecting herself. Then, in a soft voice, she says, “Once, when the world was new and the asari were still young, there was a time when the days grew shorter and the nights grew longer, until there was nothing but night.

“Then, the goddess Athame descended from the heavens. She brought with her all the tools for civilization: knowledge, wisdom, empathy, courage. But strangely, she did not bring with her the light.

“The people asked her, ‘Athame, goddess of all that is—why have you gifted us with so much, and yet not given us the light?’

“And Athame answered, ‘My children, I have done better than return to you the light. I have gifted you the tools to beat back the darkness. For the light comes and goes, but the darkness is everpresent. So grow, my children, and learn what you must so that you might one day push back the darkness and herald light’s return.’”

Liara falls silent. After a moment, Kaidan says in a voice thick with emotion, “That, um. That certainly…resonates.”

Liara gives a soft chuckle. “Early in my studies, I encountered a Prothean story tablet—fragments really, so much had been lost to the Reapers. But the tablet fragments together told a tale quite similar to the one the asari tell about Athame.”

“How is that possible?” Kaidan says, furrowing his brow.

Liara shrugs. “I asked something similar of the Matriarch advising me, Dr. P’Ropp. She said, every culture across species recognizes that darkness is inescapable. We do not know if the light is coming back when the night falls. We hope for it, we might even pray for it, but we do not know. We cannot. All we can do is wait.”

She sighs heavily. “And so…we wait for the light.”

His eyes flick up to Shepard’s door again, and then back down.

“You should go to him,” Liara says quietly.

Kaidan is instantly tense, his eyes going wide as he looks over to meet her gaze. 

“I am sure he would appreciate the comfort, too. And the company.” The smile she gives him makes his heart beat quicker again. Another rush of guilt follows.

Kaidan shakes his head, blowing out a shuddering breath. The candle gutters. “Not…um, not from me.”

“Kaidan—“

“I’m the reason she died.”

He cuts her off quietly, but his words echo in the nearly-empty mess like a shout.

“I forced the choice. I forced him to choose. I armed the bomb, I set the timer. I— I forced him.” He takes a breath, trying to keep his voice steady. “He thinks her death is her fault, because of course he does. That’s who he is. He doesn’t fail, but she—“ His breath hitches. “She died. He thinks it was his fault, but it’s not. It’s mine. It’s mine.” His voice breaks, any words that might’ve come next dying in his throttled throat.

“Ashley’s death is not your fault,” Liara says firmly. She takes his hand in hers and squeezes gently. “It is not.”

He doesn’t deserve the kindness in that simple touch. He hates himself that he can’t bear to take his hand away.

Liara doesn’t let go, squeezing his hand more insistently. “I have not known the Commander as long as you have, but I do not get the sense he is one who blames his friends unfairly. Ashley’s death was not your fault. Any more than Benezia’s was mine.” She says this last with less conviction, as if she’s said it to herself before, as if it in the repetition it might become true.

“It’s not,” he says shakily. He clears his throat, then says again, more emphatically, “It’s not.”

“No,” she replies, “it is Saren’s. And I know he knows that.” She glances back at the door across the way. “Shepard knows that.”

Kaidan turns back to watch the flicker of the candle’s flame. “I can’t face him. Not…not yet.” There’s a wealth of meaning buried in those spare, halting words. 

“So then…we wait,” she says quietly.

“‘We’?”

She nods. “We.”

He takes another shuddering breath, then nods back. She just squeezes his hand once more.

They sit in companionable silence for a long while, lost in their own thoughts and memories, bathed in the warm glow of a friend’s contraband candle.

Waiting for the light.

#mass effect #kaidan alenko #shepard #mshenko #post-virmire #longest night #because sometimes you don't know if the light is coming back #my writing

[timptoe]

Inktober 8 & 9 - Shep & Cortez

Reference used

#mass effect #shepard x cortez #mshepard #steve cortez #oh my gosh this is so lovely and tender #gotta love a happy steve

[timptoe]

tfw you use a fanfic as a writing sample for a creative arts job, get a form letter rejection, and are offended not for yourself but on behalf of your blorbo lol

#writing #jobs #I was both qualified and very unqualified for the job so not surprised #but did you see the writing #did you feel the pathos #you’re telling me the blorbo didn’t speak to you #huh #weird

[timptoe]

Finished ME: Andromeda, so some final thoughts:

Yeah no this is literally just Inquisition-in-space, right down to the pacing of the story. A lot of what differentiated the original trilogy from Dragon Age is missing - sometimes that’s good, sometimes it’s not.

The Reyes romance is great and then it just ends! BioWare! I want to smooch on that guy every time I come back to Kadara! Wasted opportunity fr.

I don’t feel like they do a good enough job of explaining the Pathfinder-SAM connection. Strong enough that he can stop Ryder’s heart, but then the Archon just kind of rips him away? Needed to be way more clear what was happening there.

Who killed Jien Garson??? Were they expecting to write a DLC and then didn’t because EA shut it down? What an incredible plot point to just so thoroughly drop.

Same with the Benefactor. How did B know the Reapers were coming? Was it TIM? Because if it wasn’t, that’d better figure in ME5.

The jaardan/angaran thing was cool. Wish they’d explored that further.

Same with the Scourge and Meridian.

That’s a common theme tbh: things that could’ve been cool that they just hand-wave and go “eh.” Give me that deep lore, guys.

The final run to the Archon was cool (I’m a sucker for ensemble “we ride at dawn!” scenes) but that last fight was absolute trash. Honestly, all of the ME final boss fights are trash, BioWare just has no idea how to do an epic final battle with guns in space. (Contrast with Haakon or The Guardian in DA:I or even Meredith in DA2. BioWare can do final bosses well, just not in FPS apparently.)

The epilogue was sweet. Also note-for-note the ending of Inquisition.

Final thought: Andromeda just isn’t as emotionally resonant as the original trilogy. The single time I heard the Reaper horn in Alec’s archive messages was still scarier than anything the Archon said or did. The original trilogy did such a good job of other-ing the Reapers, which is why they were such good villains. Not so much the kett or the Remnant, which was a huge missed opportunity considering the setting.

That being said, I still liked it. Don’t think it’s as bad as I feel like the fandom presents it as. I liked the open world style, I really liked Ryder. I’d play it again, eventually. It just didn’t break me the way the original trilogy did. Which, you know, might be okay.

Gonna reload right before I meet Reyes and smooch him again, brb.

Finally started playing ME Andromeda, I’m about thirty hours in (so no spoilers!), and…it’s kind of lovely? I get the sense from the fanbase that it’s pretty hated but I’m kind of liking it. First impressions:

It’s very much like if Mass Effect and Dragon Age: Inquisition had an adorable baby. Is that why people don’t like it? Because it’s so much less hoo-rah military?

I also heard no one likes the Frostbite graphics but they don’t bother me? The asari are a little cutesy, but everything else is gorgeous.

I do miss Shepard and the crew, tbh. Love the Liara cameos. Will always want more of Kaidan and Joker and Tali and Vega and everyone.

Do like the new crew, especially their interactions with each other. Hardcore shipping Drack/Lexi. And the Drack-Vetra friendship is really sweet.

I just met Reyes and hooooooo boy. Scott’s been flirting with Gil but he’s suddenly falling hard for Reyes—sorry Gil, don’t hate me forever.

Also Gil just go kiss Kallo already, ugh.

Also also (because Reyes’ voice actor is also male Hawke’s voice actor) my new Dragon Age II headcanon is: after Hawke meets Zevran and does his quest, he will only speak to Isabela in Zevran’s accent for the next six months. She hates it but finds it weirdly sexy. (Much how I am reacting to Reyes’ voice.)

Jaal++

Did the Nexus really not carry a QEC to talk to the Citadel? They traveled to a different galaxy and didn’t think, hey, we have tech that’ll let us say “yo descendants we just woke up!”?

Exaltation is a sufficiently creepy plot point, right up there with indoctrination and Reaper liquidation.

I miss quarians.

I do not miss missions. The open world style is my jam, I love the viability/colonization aspect, love the way this game does side quests.

I find the concept of the exiles to be weird. You sign up for the Initiative, are deemed worthy of being sent ahead on the Nexus instead of an ark (so you’re presumably all in), and you flake out in less than a year because…it didn’t all go to plan? That part of the narrative’s kinda weak.

Though I just got the first part of the Jien Garson whodunit and I’m super invested already.

Really intrigued by the Remnant.

Andromeda does feel less high-stakes than the original trilogy, which is too bad. Sure you’re not dealing with galaxy-wide apocalypse, but survival in Heleus should feel a lot less Laura Ingalls Wilder and a lot more Oregon Trail.

Overall, I’m liking it. Less than halfway through so still plenty of time for it to go sour, but I’m intrigued.

#mass effect andromeda #mass effect #reyes vidal #pathfinder ryder #overall I’d give it a solid B #worth playing #also not sad I waited this long #really hoping ME5 takes the good things from MEA and ports them to the OT style #also hoping for time travel so ME5 can be about both Jaal and Kaidan #but that’s prob asking way too much

[timptoe]

 So this is what happens when you ask @garrusvakarian2153 silly questions, like if there’s an alien equivalent to human fratboys. Turns out…there is. 

Thanks Garrus for the Might of The Hierarchy line, which has not failed to make me laugh. But i’m not gonna lie this was both hilarious and painful to draw. 

#mass effect #oh this is incredible #the flexing #the brah #the biotic lift symbol #and then there’s SEC-C which is the stupidest and best pun I’ve ever seen #SEC-C #no I will never get over this #ashley buys that shirt off brand from some ripoff kiosk on the Citadel #wears it off shift around Garrus #if he engages she wins if he doesn’t he’ll have an aneurysm so she also wins

[timptoe]

Hatboy 💙

Jeff "Joker" Moreau prepares to join Cerberus, but first he has to face his past.

Part One of Two: Goodbye, Hatboy

Summary: Addison Shepard confronts Jeff "Joker" Moreau as he prepares to leave to join Cerberus, the people responsible for what happened to her on Akuze.

TW/CW: Implied Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism

Relationships: Commander Natasha Shepard & Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Addison Shepard/Jeff "Joker" Moreau

Rating: Teen and Up

AO3 link: here.

#mass effect #jeff ‘joker’ moreau #femshep #fic rec #aaaa this is so good! #joker’s decision to join Cerberus is so heartbreakingly fascinating #this is such a good peek into it

[timptoe]

So. I joined a gift exchange. But not just any exchange, oh no. I signed up for the @hatboyexchange . Panic ensued. An idea was formed, words were written, and oh man it is really hard to pry yourself out of a headspace when it owns you. But the chance to write snarky Joker and manipulative Illusive Man? Sign me up!

For @timptoe - hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it.

#mass effect #fic rec #jeff ‘joker’ moreau #the illusive man #you guys this is so good! #I love snarky joker #and I LOVE overconfident-manipulative TIM #their exchanges were so good #thanks for the gift friend #I love it :)

[timptoe]

Ticking Like A

For @hatboyexchange 2023, I got to write for the amazing @vesperfloyd about Vega, Joker, and PTSD. Trigger warnings for PTSD, flashbacks, and sucky childhoods, but it’s okay in the end, thanks to our favorite hatboy. Read the whole thing on Ao3.

——

The silence chafes.

The Presidium itself isn’t silent. Their table overlooks the Relay Monument, a popular spot for tourists, diplomats, traders, refugees. He can hear the edges of hushed conversations and shouts of laughter and thundering footsteps. Even with his back to the mezzanine, he can feel the volume of the crowds that pass by on their way to some distraction or other. The constant thrum of noise behind them makes the silence at the table even more stark.

James shifts uncomfortably in his chair, arms folded.

The artificial sunlight glitters off of the reflecting pool in a way that almost reminds him of home. It’s been years since he’s been on a real beach, at least not without a hardsuit and an ammo block. He thought about going home once while he was stationed in Vancouver, but he never made the time. Too late now.

Instead, he tries to calm himself using the refracted light of the pool, imagining sand under his toes, surf filling his ears, water as far as he can see. He could almost believe he’s there, if not for the cacophony around him. Or the sideways-queasy feeling that builds in his stomach the longer he looks at the water. He wants to lose himself in the shapes made by the gentle lapping of the waves around the base of the monument. But he can’t.

He just can’t.

Joker, meanwhile, takes a sip of his drink, looking out over the view, cool as a goddamn cucumber.

James shifts again, his own drink untouched. “Do you, uh, want me to talk about it?” he says, voice low.

Joker shrugs, taking another sip of his drink, not looking his way. “Up to you, Vega. Don’t need to if you don’t want to.”

James scowls into the middle distance. By all rights, Joker should be furious. Yelling. Confining him to the Normandy. Bare minimum, he should be lecturing James the way his abuela used to when he’d disappointed her. But he’s not. He’s just…sitting there.

So James just sits there, too.

Uncomfortably.

The breeze from the recirculated air feels cool on his skin. Not like home, but there’s no tinge of the smoke he smelled in the days after the Cerberus attack, either. Just pure, clean air, stinging the exposed cuts on his knuckles like antiseptic.

He looks down to see his hands curled into tight fists on the tabletop. He makes a conscious, concerted effort to relax them.

He looks up at Joker again, who hasn’t moved since the last time he looked at him. Thirty seconds ago.

James sighs roughly, rubbing his closely-shaved scalp with one hand, wincing a bit in pain. “Look, man, I don’t know what to say.”

Joker sips his drink calmly. “I didn’t ask you to say anything.”

“Come on, comodín, you can’t—“

“Vega.” Joker cuts him off, finally looking over at him for the first time since they sat down. “You don’t have to talk to me.” He takes a sip of his drink, cocking his head slightly, thinking. “But—“

“No, man, don’t—“

“—but you should talk to someone. Probably.”

James blows his breath out in frustration. “I know.”

“Want me to call Cortez?”

“No,” James says quickly, firmly. “Esteban would just, you know…” He gestures inarticulately. “He’d blow it out of proportion.”

Joker raises an eyebrow over his half-empty glass. “You trashed a club.”

“Well, I mean…you know what I mean,” James says lamely.

Joker just cocks his head slightly to the side and goes back to looking out over the Presidium.

They sit like that for another moment, James shifting uncomfortably every few seconds, Joker lounging with preternatural serenity.

“You don’t have to sit with me,” James says when he finally can’t take it anymore. “I’m fine. I’ll…be fine.”

“I do, actually,” Joker responds calmly. “Terms of your release per Bailey. Someone in an ‘official role’ has to watch you for the rest of our leave. And with Shepard off doing who the hell knows what with Aria T’Loak, you’re stuck with me.”

James looks back down at his hands, tips of his ears burning with shame. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

“Don’t be,” Joker says lightly. “You got me out of doing paperwork.”

James ducks his head further down, hunching in on himself.

“Vega.” James looks back up to see Joker frowning at him. “It was a joke.”

James tries to smile. Really, he does. But whatever happens on his face only makes Joker frown harder. Which makes James feel even worse.

“We should, uh…we should probably just go back the the ship, huh,” James says, defeat thick in his voice.

“Is that what you want to do?”

James wipes his hands on his pants, trying to dry off the sweat. He avoids Joker’s calm gaze. Truth is, he doesn’t want to go back. He’ll have to talk to Steve if he goes back, and that’s…he’s not ready to talk. About what happened. Not yet. But it doesn’t seem right to take up Joker’s time just to avoid—

“How ‘bout a walk?”

James blinks, jerking his head back over to Joker at the interruption. The pilot just looks at him, head slightly cocked again.

“C’mon, let’s go for a walk,” Joker says easily, finishing his drink and standing up.

James looks up at the pilot. “Uh, sure, if you want.”

Joker grabs his crutches from where they rest on the railing and nods over the side. “Down along the reflecting pool?”

James looks over the mezzanine railing, the queasy feeling returning as he looks over the water.

Joker continues, “Or down through the wards?”

“The wards,” James says quickly.

Joker just nods and starts crutching off, James following closely behind.

Read the rest on Ao3.

#mass effect #mass effect 3 #jeff 'joker' moreau #james vega #tw: ptsd #can’t tell you how much I love james vega #and joker as the one further down the path #this one ended up being really close to my heart #so thanks for the opportunity #my writing

[timptoe]

Happy anniversary!

Haha thank you! We’re at the beach celebrating and just saw a sailboat with bright pink sails, so it’s a pretty good day.

[timptoe]

get to know me

Tagged by @dandenbo - thanks friend!

last song: “Earth,” Sleeping at Last

favorite color: That green you find in deciduous leaves that sprouted about two weeks ago but haven’t matured all the way yet

currently watching: Junior Bake Off, because the only thing better than watching kind polite British people bake is watching kind British kids bake

last movie: Barbie

currently reading: Masked Empire, again, for the tenth time, because I love reading tragedies on the beach

sweet/spicy/savory: Totally context-dependent! I like appetizers more than desserts, but I’ll go for hot salsa before fries every time. Salty or spicy desserts are right out. My favorite tex-mex place made their fajitas slightly sweet. Food! It’s weird.

relationship status: Married! 13 years tomorrow :)

current obsession: I happened to see a Grey’s Anatomy reel last week and now I’m hyperfixated on watching clips from it? I watched the first couple of seasons back when I was in grad school but nothing since then and…boy, that show got dark and twisty, huh?

last thing I googled: “ashley tisdale humuhumunukunukuapua’a”

currently working on: The next chapter of my Joker fic where he begrudgingly learns the Meaning of Friendship, an Erend/Gildun Horizon Forbidden West fic that came out of nowhere, and a little thing about horses that’s a tribute to my sweet grandmother who’s in her final chapter

Tagging @acciokaidanalenko and @painterofhorizons and…you! If you’ve ever wanted to do one of these and not gotten tagged, consider this your tag. :)

#about me

[timptoe]

The Survivors

“Come on, LT, open the door!”

He could hear her, loud and clear. Every pound of her fist against the metal door, and every call of his name, echoed around the small hotel room. He had nowhere to run, there was no escaping the person on the other side of the door.

“I’m not going away. So you might as well let me in!”

With a defeated sigh, he removed the pillow he’d been using to muffle the sounds from atop his head and sat up, running his hands through his unkempt hair before shuffling reluctantly toward the door. He’d wondered if anyone would show up today, trying to encourage him to clean himself up and be presentable enough to participate in the… event. He’d hoped they’d understand his grief and leave him be. He should’ve known that, of all people, Ashley Williams was not going to let him take the easy way out.

The door slid open and he tried not to take offense at her shocked silence. He watched her eyes move up and down his body, taking notice of the stains on his clothes, his unshaven face, and his disheveled hair.

“I already told you, Ash, I’m not going,” Kaidan insisted before he turned and walked away. Ashley followed him into the room, a solemn grimace on her face. She remained silent as she looked around. Normally he kept his lodgings neat and tidy, but this room was a disaster. Take out boxes and empty beer bottles littered the room. He could feel the tension as she struggled not to say anything about either the state of the room or his appearance.

“You can’t miss it, LT. You know that,” Ashley said as Kaidan threw himself backwards onto the bed. It was small, but large enough he could sprawl out. One hand tucked under his head, almost reflexively. The other rested across his abdomen as his gaze focused on the ceiling above him. He let out a heavy sigh.

“Do you remember that mission where we landed on Agebinium in the Amazon System?” he asked after a moment of silence. His voice was distant. Ashley wasn’t sure where this was going. What did that have to do with today?

“Uh, yeah, the one where we found the guy responsible for the Blitz? He tried to blow us up, and Nat kinda lost her shit? Who could forget something like that?” Ashley responded as she crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, watching her friend closely.

“When we got back to the ship, and she’d recovered enough for Chakwas to release her, I went to talk to her. I was worried about her. She’d almost killed herself when she faced Haliat, and the thought of losing her scared the shit out of me,” he admitted softly. Ashley remained silent as he seemed to grapple for the point he was trying to make. “I told her she was lucky. I told her she was invincible, that she could survive anything. And I promised to always be there for her.”

“Kaidan…” Ashley sighed softly as she pushed away from the wall. She approached the bed where he lay sprawled out, still staring up at the ceiling. He propped himself up on his elbows and met her gaze pointedly.

“If you’re going to tell me I did everything I could’ve, you’re wrong. You weren’t there, Ash. I should’ve just thrown Joker in the escape pod myself, or gone with her to make sure she made it.”

“She gave you an order, and you followed it. You did the right thing, regardless of whatever else you could’ve done,” she said matter-of-factly. He clearly didn’t like her answer. He huffed and threw himself back onto the bed again, once again turning his eyes upward.

“When we met, I’d just lost my entire unit on Eden Prime. I’d faced Geth and Husks and I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it.” She moved to the side of the bed, prompting Kaidan to turn his gaze to her as she towered over him.

“Then, you guys showed up and I had hope again. That mission was hard, but we made it through.” She extended her hand toward him, ignoring the glare he offered in return.

“Then when we got back to the Citadel some Alliance psychologist wanted to talk to me. I was reluctant. Didn’t want to dig up that fresh trauma just yet, but she reminded me of something one of my squad mates once said to me.” Kaidan reluctantly took her hand and let her pull him up. He stood before her, completely vulnerable.

“Luck is for the lonely.”

#mass effect #kaidan alenko #ashley williams #fic rec #luck is for the lonely is a killer line

[timptoe]

BARTLET: Thanks for coming by, Donna. Tell me more about this tropical storm.

DONNA: Well, sir, I did some research, and the NOAA defines a tropical storm as a rotating storm with maximum sustained winds of more than 39 mph.

BARTLET: And when was the last time a tropical storm moved up the west coast and hit California?

DONNA: That would be…1939, sir.

[Both characters slowly turn and stare into the camera for an extended period of time as the camera pulls back, revealing JOSH holding a sign that says, “Climate change is real idiots!”]

#the west wing #climate change #tropical storm #yes this is a reference to two cathedrals #yes also this is a signal to friends who live in palm springs to maybe evacuate #they’re predicting five inches of rain in the desert which is catastrophic #stay safe friends

[timptoe]

hoooooooooooo boy

Finally started playing ME Andromeda, I’m about thirty hours in (so no spoilers!), and…it’s kind of lovely? I get the sense from the fanbase that it’s pretty hated but I’m kind of liking it. First impressions:

It’s very much like if Mass Effect and Dragon Age: Inquisition had an adorable baby. Is that why people don’t like it? Because it’s so much less hoo-rah military?

I also heard no one likes the Frostbite graphics but they don’t bother me? The asari are a little cutesy, but everything else is gorgeous.

I do miss Shepard and the crew, tbh. Love the Liara cameos. Will always want more of Kaidan and Joker and Tali and Vega and everyone.

Do like the new crew, especially their interactions with each other. Hardcore shipping Drack/Lexi. And the Drack-Vetra friendship is really sweet.

I just met Reyes and hooooooo boy. Scott’s been flirting with Gil but he’s suddenly falling hard for Reyes—sorry Gil, don’t hate me forever.

Also Gil just go kiss Kallo already, ugh.

Also also (because Reyes’ voice actor is also male Hawke’s voice actor) my new Dragon Age II headcanon is: after Hawke meets Zevran and does his quest, he will only speak to Isabela in Zevran’s accent for the next six months. She hates it but finds it weirdly sexy. (Much how I am reacting to Reyes’ voice.)

Jaal++

Did the Nexus really not carry a QEC to talk to the Citadel? They traveled to a different galaxy and didn’t think, hey, we have tech that’ll let us say “yo descendants we just woke up!”?

Exaltation is a sufficiently creepy plot point, right up there with indoctrination and Reaper liquidation.

I miss quarians.

I do not miss missions. The open world style is my jam, I love the viability/colonization aspect, love the way this game does side quests.

I find the concept of the exiles to be weird. You sign up for the Initiative, are deemed worthy of being sent ahead on the Nexus instead of an ark (so you’re presumably all in), and you flake out in less than a year because…it didn’t all go to plan? That part of the narrative’s kinda weak.

Though I just got the first part of the Jien Garson whodunit and I’m super invested already.

Really intrigued by the Remnant.

Andromeda does feel less high-stakes than the original trilogy, which is too bad. Sure you’re not dealing with galaxy-wide apocalypse, but survival in Heleus should feel a lot less Laura Ingalls Wilder and a lot more Oregon Trail.

Overall, I’m liking it. Less than halfway through so still plenty of time for it to go sour, but I’m intrigued.

#mass effect andromeda #reyes vidal #pathfinder ryder #the accent’s growing on me #and his faux-bolero jacket on that waist is incredible #but this kind of flirting? exactly my jam #oh no he's hot

[timptoe]

What if they had to do paperwork?

(Unlike the other comics this doesn't actually happen in any of the games I'm just a fan of how dumb they all are)

#mass effect #shakarian #garrus vakarian #fshepard #legion #‘i’m just a fan of how dumb they all are’ that’s it that’s the game #also holy crap op your art is incredible

[timptoe]

"Let's make sure that we never let time just slip by us... Okay?"

#mass effect #mshenko #mshepard #kaidan alenko #oh this is so beautiful #they deserve all the happiness #and now I kinda want to see a Normandy-themed version of hello dolly #kaidan is cornelius #shepard works in a hat shop #and then tali gets a whole musical number by herself obvs #hello tali

[timptoe]

M!Shep and Garrus, set between ME1 and ME2.

#mass effect #garrus vakarian #shepard #oh this is so adorable #happy endings abound #I also really like what the existence of a dual-chirality restaurant implies