the-enraptured

[the-enraptured]

I remember

It’s been a while since I’ve posted due to busyness, a good kind of busyness. God has hidden me underneath His wing while my mind has been absorbing revelation like a sponge. I’ve had seasons of quiet before, but it was a quiet that was so lonely. I remember going to school and speaking to no one all day to see if anyone would notice. I was shocked at the ability I had to blend into the background, it was comforting, but it was bleak at the same time. This quiet has been a season of my mouth not shut by my own hands, rather speechless and wide from sheer awe at the beauty of God. The biggest theme since I’ve been in school is remembering. Remembering is so important in scripture. God reminds us that He brought us out of Egypt. We take Communion in remembrance of Christ. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb, and the word of our testimony. I remember when I was 11, and being so overwhelmed I would curl into a ball in the corner of the couch I slept on at my dad’s apartment, and pray every night that God would give me a heart attack so I could die. I remember being 16 sleeping on a hospital bed that was out of pillows, so I rested my head on some extra towels, with an equally depressed stranger twelve feet away from me. I remember being 16, 17, 18, 19 in love, all for love to crumble like a sandcastle when the waves started to crash. I remember when God made a paper heart fall from the sky onto my mom’s windshield when I was in outright rebellion and rejecting Him, yet crying out to Him at the same time. I remember feeling His tangible embrace. I remember when I realized what actual freedom meant. What do you remember?

#jesus #christian #god #christian podcast #apologetics

[the-enraptured]

To the friends and family that believe I may have lost my mind;

We are called to be a peculiar people, and to live an absolutely undignified life. I’ve had many people tell me, “I am so glad you found your path.” This breaks my heart. The path that I walk is not something I created.

The path I walk has grass pressed to the ground from a weary Savior who was rejected by man, when in His deepest vulnerability, asked for His friends to stay up with Him. A man lovesick for creation, waiting and knocking until his locks were wet with dew. Upon His shoulders He carried the government of the cross, after being tied to the whipping post, and having His beard pulled out. My feet step in the footprints of previously treaded ground, scattered with drops of innocent blood. I don’t walk my path, I walk His path.

What was my path that I found? The path that I found was a path of bitterness. Every word spoken to me, even words of encouragement, were viewed through a lense of rejection. In my logic, every human was depressed. If someone were to say otherwise they were a liar. My path was manipulating, cutting myself, loathing myself, dreading waking up in the morning. My path was socks with grips underneath walking cold hospital hallways, zombified from medication. My path was falling in obsession with one person, and then suddenly to drop them for another, and another. My path was being afraid to leave my house, and throwing up so often from panic attacks that I weighed 96 pounds as my doctor told me I was about to die. My path was going to therapy and trying to live and cope with the unimaginable.

I couldn’t climb my way up a ladder to Heaven, Christ came down to me, in a vulnerable body draped with flesh hiding a beating heart. The God who created baby’s breath and sharks, whales and hamsters, constellations and a galaxy that hangs on nothing, lives inside of me. The universe is ever expanding at a rapid rate, in the same way God is filling the temple and dwelling amongst His people as the Gospel is preached to the ends of the Earth.

I don’t have to be a slave to fear and sorrow anymore. I can actually form complex thoughts on a platform, and have supernatural compassion for a total stranger at a mall. If you could see what I’ve seen with my own eyes, you would be pushed out of a state of fear. God is not disappointed in your fear and discomfort, nor am I.

Jesus approached me and asked me if I wanted to be healed. Was it some kind of sick joke? The answer was obvious to me, but as His eyes pierced through me, everything I thought I knew and wanted turned dim, all I can see is His gaze. He told me to take up my mat and walk, which angers the pharisees who want to see me enabled and complacent. Religion hates freedom and religion hates love. It’s funny how the world has become religious in that way.

You can see what I see, you can do what I do, and even better you can do what Jesus did. All you have to do is ask Him.

[the-enraptured]

My Dream

I started to drive up the highway and saw this man about my age in front of me, traveling and levitating without a car. I noticed in his hand were thistles bunched together, and they were leading him and turning his body to a specific location. Slightly higher in the sky was a woman about my age, she had thistles tied together and tied to a pole, malign the shape of a broom she was flying on. I felt led by the Spirit to follow them, they arrived at a church, and then traveled to a church underneath the one above ground. As I walked in I saw a poster of a Jaguar with an American flag behind it, and on the right a table with live rats, live mice, and a cross. Underneath these three things were two bells, you’d take a stick and hit both of the bells underneath each item. (all of the bells in total are 6.) Everyone did this and sat down in the chairs in a fairly small room. In a traditional priest gown was a man who looked to be a past drug addict or just quite disturbing and ugly due to his heavy wrinkles and missing teeth. I felt disturbed by his entrance, I looked at the cross but I intuitively knew they were not “one of us”. He started talking about how only man can save himself, he as a priest cannot save us, and when he talked there was something incredibly enticing about it. Spiritually I felt disgusted, but intellectually I felt like my itching ears had been scratched. I had so much curiousity. At the end of the service I asked him about the ritual with the rats and mice. He said for many years the church has tried to kill them like a jaguar chasing a cat, especially America due to the flag imagery. He said they have remained secret for centuries, but now was the time they would start to slowly rise and come out of hiding. They asked how I found this church, and I told them I followed the man with thistles. He was shocked. How did you see me? He asked. He was for some reason supposed to be under an invisibility spell. I told him I was led by the Holy Spirit. It confused all of them. After this I went to the grocery store, and after I started putting bags in the car a cop approached me. He accused me of stealing chapstick. He asked me to play a game where I put my hands behind my back. I said I would be compliant, but don’t lie to me if you’re putting me under arrest. I let him arrest me and take me in for questioning. I told him if I wanted to buy chapstick I would, I have the money for it. He could check all my stuff, I have no reason to steal. They had video footage of me stealing at 10, and I said yes but I was a child, I don’t steal anymore. I can’t be held accountable. They had an entire database of my life and everything I’ve ever done. Just then I noticed the cop was the same man I followed to the church, and he wasn’t even the one speaking. I looked across the way and saw a skinny man with short hair with a face of Todd White (but it wasn’t Todd White, almost like this man was a shapeshifter), someone mocking Todd White and mocking Christianity with a smug face. with a mic speaking through a mic in the cop’s shirt accusing me. I knew it was the enemy and remembered the scripture about God speaking for me during persecution. Shortly after this realization they let me go, and I noticed that now after this my car was missing, and I knew they stole it.

Scripture given to me about the dream from the Holy Spirit.

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,

treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭3:1-2, 4-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/59/2ti.3.1-2,4-7.esv

“delivering you from the way of evil, from men of perverted speech, who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness, who rejoice in doing evil and delight in the perverseness of evil, men whose paths are crooked, and who are devious in their ways. So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words, who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God; for her house sinks down to death, and her paths to the departed; none who go to her come back, nor do they regain the paths of life.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭2:12-19‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/59/pro.2.12-19.esv

““‘I know your tribulation and your poverty ( but you are rich) and the slander of those who say that they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan.”

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭2:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/59/rev.2.9.esv

[the-enraptured]

His Mercy

A lot of the time we find ourselves asking, “is there really hope for that person?”. Usually not thought aloud, but we can see someone so deep in despair it’s almost impossible to imagine them any other way. When I look back on my life, that’s how I view where I was at.

What was my life like before Christ? Well defining what that means is difficult. Honestly my story starts even before my birth. I was conceived out of wedlock and I was born to my mother when both of my parents were 19. A wedding was set in place before my birth but was canceled at the last second by the grace of God. My mother had been made aware of how disgusting a man my father, Michael, really was and didn’t even want him in the room when I was born quite understandably.

Of course when I was born many a court case took place. My last name, custody rights, and etc. My mother was genuinely scared for my safety, along with my grandparents, because my father already was a drug user. The judge decided that, and he stated, my father would “grow out of it”, and granted him visitation. The judge was wrong, and this decision has affected my life ever since. But I believe that this decision was not an accident, I don’t believe God’s plan is an accident at all. He works all things for good.

Despite the chaos of events when I was a baby, my early childhood years were not anything particularly bad. All of my special talents started emerging, I loved to act, sing, and paint. I had a vast inner world which still exists. I was quite outrageous and special to my family, out of a difficult situation I felt like a blessing. I would sing to strangers in the grocery store and capture the heart of everyone I met. I was saved at four years old, my grandmother genuinely believing I knew what I was asking for and I believe she was right. That’s why my testimony really isn’t about my life “before” Christ. He died on the sins for all of the world, my name was written in the book of life before the earth was set in motion, Jesus was always there because according to Calvinism (a philosophy I heavily agree with) he knew the decision I would make to follow him. Unfortunately tragic events would make me question that decision in a few years to come.

When I became about 8 years old it seemed like everything started hitting me at once from every possible angle. My mother would get divorced from her husband whom was the father of my sister. My third grade teacher noted to my mother that every-time id come home from Michael’s house I would become extremely pale. I physically started to become extremely thin. At this age my father’s controlling tendencies consumed him and increasingly became worse. He would force me to watch demonic horror movies, I’d cry because of how traumatizing it would be and tell my mom, but unfortunately she didn’t have much control over those things which terrified me. My mom was always my superhero, and realizing that not even my mom could protect me rocked my world. I believe this is the time period he started using heavier drugs, but many memories are fuzzy and still blocked out to this day. This is when his behavior became worse, but the true intentions and twisted behavior started to appear. He pawned all of my Christmas presents, begged people for money on the street, stole children’s bikes for drug money

How did I cope with feeling utterly powerless? I became obsessed with weather. I would check the weather on my computer every day before school. I recall writing a goodbye letter to my mother during a storm in third grade one day because I genuinely thought I was going to die. I was consumed in fear and weather was the only way my child brain could rationalize it.

Another difficulty at this age was that I had undiagnosed ADHD. I have type two, which is inattentive, which means I’m not hyperactive, just deeply consumed in my own world at all times. I have always felt I was on autopilot about 75% of my life. A combination of both adhd and anxiety meant I failed to thrive at school. I had to sit out during recess every day because I couldn’t do my homework. That’s when I remember first feeling depression in my life. So because I had to sit out, and visitation every other weekend with my father, I was not socialized at all. In fact, when I was at my father’s house I wasn’t allowed to even play with my cousins. I remember looking out the window crying and crying because I was not allowed to go into the backyard on the trampoline. Ever. I still suffer with social integration, I’ve always wanted many friends and to talk to people, and I know what to say but it always comes out odd to me. I missed out on fun adventures and bonding with kids my age, and that lead to me never really having any friendships, honestly to this day I’m still not sure how to make friends which is horribly embarrassing to me and always was. The one time I was allowed to have a birthday party at Michael’s house, a few friends from my elementary school came to a pool party I had. We jumped on the trampoline in our bathing suits, as Michael pulled out a random camera to take pictures. My step mom told him it was odd but he wouldn’t stop taking pictures of me and my friends.

This would continue into middle school, when the abuse also started to happen. At first in my elementary years it was psychological. “Always make sure to lock your doors, someone will break in and kill you”, I can still hear my father say over and over. Forcing me to watch the lovely bones, a movie about a girl getting kidnapped and molested as I panicked watching it as a young child in absolute fear. Now he became physically and sexually abusive as well as psychological. What went along with this was people being invited to friend’s sleepovers which I was NEVER allowed to attend, and watching other kids my age form groups as I sat alone for lunch every day.

Around this time I recall starting to self harm, I didn’t even really know what it meant at that point. I would get a comb and scrape my arms with it just to relieve intense fear I experienced. I had frequent stomach aches, not knowing what the concept of anxiety even was. I was skinny, pale, and always felt sick. I barely ever ate. My two younger siblings were born and he threatened to throw them down the stairs, and often neglected them. When my stepmom would leave for work I had to change their diapers and feed them. If I didn’t, Michael would let them sit in their filth all day. One of my brothers developed selective mutism from the abuse and fear caused by Michael. I tried to care for them as much as a 10 year old could.

In this time period, about 6-7th grade I remember Michael using drugs and alcohol clearly. He would talk to himself while intoxicated and make absolutely no sense. He would claim to see demons, which may have actually been considering his involvement with psychics and satanic movies and music and necrophilia he watched. This is when the actual event of molestation happened but I will save the gory details on that. He would often tell my stepmother at the time odd and inappropriate remarks about my appearance as I grew older, and that I would grow up to be a prostitute. One time I wore skinny jeans and he talked to me for hours about how inappropriate that was and what boys at school would think. I was not allowed to wear shorts that were above my knees or any colorful clothing.

At this point I found a youth group I loved. I was supposed to see Michael on Wednesday nights, but I told him I just wouldn’t go. He’d have to move it. So he demanded I see him Tuesday AND Thursday instead. I said fine, because this feeling I got from God is something I’d never had before in my life. I remember listening to “How He Loves” and bawling my eyes out as my father sent threatening texts to my mom. I brought a friend that night, and somehow he found her parent’s phone number and called them saying that my mother took us to church on his visitation time. Because of his psychotic actions she was no longer allowed to hang out with me. But just in that chaotic moment and listening to the song “How He Loves”, That became God’s love song to me, and he has played it during significant times in my life ever since. God gave me this comfort that I could cling to, a comfort of hymns and nursery rhymes and bible stories like I had as a child. I experienced His absolute precious love which is just inexplicable.

During this time the abuse increasingly became worse with the drug use. He would drive me and my siblings around drunk in the middle of the night. He would stalk me as I slept and never really leave me alone. He would walk into the bathroom and stay in there while I showered. At this point I had developed severe depression and anxiety. All I could think about was escape. I escaped with boyfriends and art and music. I had one boyfriend who my father found out was African American, and called his number leaving a message of racial slurs on my phone to his number. A phone my mother bought me that he stole from me when I tried to bring it with me to his house.

My mom called CPS (again) when I told her I’d kill myself, (at age 11), if I ever had to see Michael again. There was not enough evidence to support a case so it was dropped. I prayed and prayed, and mentors in my life had prayed for me as well. This may sound odd but I could feel certain times where they currently prayed for me. And then, a miracle happened. Michael signed over his rights.

My family on his side no longer talked to me. During this time my ex stepmom divorced Michael and took my two brothers and had a restraining order filed. My family on that side didn’t support her, and I was not in contact with her yet, she was forced to live in a shelter for a while because of the absolute neglect on my father’s side of the family. Luckily now we got back in contact and she is my absolute best friend and I get to see my brothers whenever I please. But back to the fact that they divorced- Michael had an arrest record made public online of his drug use. It was getting worse. He became homeless, voluntarily living on the streets, but still using payphones to harass my mother and ex stepmom. He would steal pictures from my mother’s Facebook of me and say, “she has my eyes” and post them online, which still haunts me. He would threaten to break in or harm us, and he threatened to kill his own parent’s dog. His mother tried to get in contact with me, she told my mom that he got into an accident, looking for sympathy or something. The accident was that he overdosed on drugs. They claimed he fell off a bridge, but later confirmed to me it was drug related

The one friend I did have was my cousin, who to this day has no communication with me. She was my only friend when I had none. Even after my mom trying to make contact, and seeing them at my grandfather’s funeral, no one believed my story of abuse.

I thought my pain was over. I was FREE. I could forever live with my mom and go to church and have friends. Unfortunately it just didn’t turn out that ideally.

I still had depression and anxiety. It didn’t go away. I still didn’t know how to make friends, I started to become bullied and changed schools frequently. Now the suicidal ideation would come to play at age 13-14. I still believed in God but I just felt so hopeless. I believe the only reason I never fully attempted suicide was because the Holy Spirit left this lingering light in my heart. It was inexplicable, but it was there. Something just told me to look up to the heavens, no matter how dim and dreary the sky may be.

Despite this hope my mind was broken. I started my 9th grade year in an outpatient school, where I met my therapist who has been a gift from God. This school was for high risk suicidal adolescents, no phones were allowed and we were patted down on the daily. It was quite dreary but here I learned about coping skills and boundaries which were crucial for me to learn, I still didn’t get the concept for a few years and honestly I’m still improving on these things. I was quite codependent on boyfriends I had and didn’t know how to talk myself down from panic attacks that produced frequent vomiting and dizziness almost daily.

After outpatient I went to high school, but not much changed. I felt so alone, even with the few friends I did have. I felt like no one really still understood me, I felt suicidal again and went to inpatient. This honestly didn’t change much for me, and I had to go to inpatient again not long after. It’s basically just 24 hour supervision for high risk patients.

I just couldn’t cope with feelings of isolation and not receiving the love I would find in Christ. I hopped from relationships which made me feel even worse, although I regret nothing and I learned quite a lot, some of which as a teen produced lifelong friends. I started to hurt other people, something I NEVER wanted to do in my wildest dreams. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

I started experimenting with different things and engaging in risky behavior. I just kept trying to fill the hole in the pit of my stomach. On a bad trip I had with a drug I tried, I had to go to the hospital. I never was addicted to drugs but recreationally tried things at parties which I shouldn’t have dabbled with, but God used it to bring me back to him. All I remember with this trip is feeling so far from God and so so scared. No thoughts went through my head and I thought I would have a seizure. My mind was completely blank. When the ambulance arrived I sobbed as I called my grandfather and family to meet me. Their disappointment was the worst thing I would ever face in my life. The still loved me, but they were heartbroken. In the ride to the hospital I cried out to the EMT, “is God going to forgive me?” It’s all I could ask as I sobbed and violently shook. He told me God will always love me in response, and I will always be grateful for the sensitive nature of that man, I could almost start bawling while even writing this. The sedative they gave me was supposed to make me forget but I never forgot that man’s kindness.

You would think this would revert me right back to God but not entirely. I faced YEARS of abuse, and it would take years to know who I even really was, being allowed to be myself. I never tried anything like that and will never again, but then codependency reared it’s ugly face into my life. Luckily in this time period though I still searched for God and prayed to Him. I read a book called The Shack which forever changed my view on Him, (highly recommend it.). I felt the Holy Spirit in my life but I couldn’t let go of the control I needed. So what did I do? I ran.

First I ran to a new school. It was an alternative school but you could go at your own pace. For once I could do work in the way my brain functioned and I made A’s, and graduated at 16 years old. I then went to cosmetology school, swicthed schools again, and finished it out even though the environment there was extremely toxic and self-indulgent in an appareance and narcissistic way that I started to loathe. During this time my paternal grandfather passed away. I attended the funeral along with my stepmother and brothers, mother and sister. We weren’t allowed to sit with the family during the funeral. My paternal grandfather was extremely racist and homophobic, and also a Baptist Sunday school teacher. The whole funeral they bragged about how godly he was. I just wanted to shout “if only you knew the vile disgusting secrets of this family!” But God gave me the grace to be respectful during this time, so I was silent. When my father was notified of his father’s passing, he stated “I’m hungry. I want Arby’s.” Shortly after the funeral my paternal grandmother took me out for my 18th birthday to Chili’s. I thought this was a time to reconcile, so I accepted trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. During the dinner she tried to claim it was my fault Michael turned out this way, and it was horrible of me to not speak to them before my grandfather’s passing and not to see Michael after the “accident”. She said a phrase I’ve heard all throughout my life. “You need to forgive and move on.” How could I possibly move on from a thorn that grew with me as I aged? This pain had become who I was. But I told her the honest truth. “I did forgive him long ago. I wish no harm upon him. It’s just unsafe for me to speak to him.” She couldn’t grasp the concept of forgiving at a distance, which is something very important to learn, and it helped me move on in a sense, but some tragedies cannot just be forgotten. After that she has tried to make contact with me, but I have not spoken to her. This decision was not because I have any ill intentions towards her, I really hope she gets help. I just can’t be the one to help her learn about boundaries, and she shows no remorse for her involvement and defense of Michael. I don’t need an apology but I feel that would be necessary to move on in a relationship with her, just so I know she wouldn’t be toxic for my health and well-being.

I moved out of Texas to Colorado with my parents. I felt alone, so I ran to Chicago at age 18 with a man I barely knew. Then something just clicked. I will never get this love and attention I seek from a human being, it’s just not possible. I moved back to Texas and jumped into another relationship even with knowing this information. I wanted to date around but on the first date I fell absolutely in love.

This person often ignored me and abandoned me for days, yet all I could do was try to make him love me for so long. I would sit in my room and sob. Who could help me? Not a hospital, not a drug, not even my own family or myself. After he broke up with ME, (thank God because I wouldn’t have broken up with him at the time), I started going back to church and I found a job. I became a hard worker and just started to seek God and pray everyday. What’s to lose? My skepticism and cynical heart started to burn off like deadwood.

This job became extremely stressful, so I sought God even more (along with returning to see my therapist who I saw for years). One night after a particularly stressful Wednesday afternoon a call was made to the altar, and something just told me to go. I asked my grandma to go with me though because I was too scared to go alone, which she did. I started sobbing because once again, God spoke to me. “Why don’t you trust me like you did when you were a child? Don’t you know I will hold you? Just lean on me, I won’t disappoint you.”. I figured hey I had nothing to lose, and decided to take that risk.

I met a pastor at my church named Dr.Marti, and started many amazing friendships as I was prayed over after a service of other’s testimonies. Dr.Marti stayed many prophetic things about me that night and wanted me to take part in Bethesda School Of Ministry, which I desperately wanted to do, but was unable to because of my job. Then came a blessing in disguise- I was let go from the job. When I was let go I asked God “what am I supposed to do?, I know you work all things for good and this has some kind of meaning but what do I take from this?” , and I heard a clear voice state “remain in me”. Odd. Not a way I’d word something in my head, quite frankly I didn’t understand. The next day on my Bible app a scripture I didn’t recall every reading was John 15:4 “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” Needless to say I was shocked. I see now I lost this job in order to take part in ministry school at Bethesda while I could. I learned not only how to minister to others, but these codependent tendencies were restored into learning about healthy boundaries and how to be happy AND alone with God. (Also confirmed by Dr.Marti who stated she had a feeling God wanted me to be like a nun for a while. I laughed because if only she knew how true I knew that was.) So many behaviors in my life started to change, along with perspectives. I became patient, enduring, developed a sound mind, and fruits of the spirit. I learned not how to be normal, but how to find my unique identity in Jesus. The raw, blunt yet sensitive, fighting-for-the-underdog, intellectual, philosopher, artistic yet gentle and kind person I was designed to be.

In the school of ministry one night I remember asking God to heal me, to make me who I was meant to truly be at last. I love God’s sense of humor. Dr.Marti after giving a message on healing that Sunday night called all of the students to pray over anyone who needed it. I was shaking in my flats. I’d NEVER done that before. As soon as she called us, I heard a voice from God which made me laugh in awe. He said “You will be healed not by being anointed with oil, but by anointing others with oil.” This symbolism showed that when I take the first step to seek God He will reward me and I will be made available to find His presence even more, which heals and delivers. I prayed for an elderly man, spilled a little too much oil on his face as it almost dripped in his eye, and smudged it in with my thumb sheepishly and cracked up about it later, but it was such a sweet moment.

So through God healing me, what’s changed? Well, I still have depression and anxiety, and adhd. Could God deliver me from it? Yes. Will He? Maybe. But if it’s in His will I carry these things so I serve others and am reminded to think about myself less and others more, than these things will remain until I’m given my new body and these illnesses did with my old body. However, my daily vomiting panic attacks turned into at most bi-monthly anxiety attacks, and suicidal ideations turned into bouts of random melancholy. After being told I functioned at a rate of 15% out of 100% at a mental hospital, and being told be a psychologist he’s surprised I still function in society and haven’t lost my sanity is pretty astonishing. When I told the psychologist my backstory he was amazed I was still standing, and quite frankly so am I. I believe with my whole heart it’s only by the grace of God, and the help of my unconditional loving and supporting friends and family. I have a new job at the church daycare which I love, and I would like to pay off cosmetology school debt and start college soon to continue healing other’s through Jesus’s name and prayer like He called me to do in more abstract means like psychology, reaching every kind of person there is, innocent children or addicts and thieves.

I was promised life more abundantly and that promise was fulfilled more than I could ever imagine. God gave me impossible endurance, yet didn’t make my heart cold and cynical despite all of life’s circumstances, I give all glory to Him for always keeping me close and loving me no matter what. I don’t know where we’ll go together in the future, but as long as God is with me I will march on, praising Him for his one million “second” chances and grace. I feel that my “rebirth” was more of a process. It didn’t happen overnight, but over a long stretch of time. I feel I have the freedom to actually chose who to be and what I want to do, and I am so grateful for this new chapter in my life.

[the-enraptured]

Listen to how God redeems and uses our time, specifically what he has shown me and my friends during quarantine by searching Poured Out: A Christian Podcast. https://open.spotify.com/episode/20zvj8sGLtO8xojnvVUZ8y?si=YMSgfxYeSkiLTQlRg4v7UA

#christian #quarantine #christian podcast #gifts of the Spirit #fruit of the Spirit #Jesus #God #Christianity #RZIM #ravi zacharias #Cs Lewis #Kierkegaard #Evangelical #Apologetics #Christian Apologetics

[the-enraptured]

Under His Wing

One of the messages that God gave me at the beginning of January was the concept of finding refuge under His protective wings. To be under someone’s wing means to be in one’s protective care. Even at the beginning of the year 2020 I was going through a lot of stress and frustration and remembering that I was under the mighty wing of God brought peace. 

Psalm 91:4 says “He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings, you shall take refuge; His truth shall be you’re shield and buckler. 

The truth that God has given, is our shield and buckler. Someone who puts their shield down during a time of war cannot expect to be safe from arrows and we must not replace the shield God gave us with worthless shields that have a fake shine. A shield of fear, anxiety, selfishness, indifference, and personal power and intellect will not protect you or give you lasting peace. You cannot be confident in your protection and refuge if you are wielding any other shield or hiding under any other wing. 

~ LVB

[the-enraptured]

I had no control over myself when I was a child. I could not choose which parent I wanted to live with, I could not go to sleepovers, I could not play outside.

The protection of free speech in America is such a valuable virtue. It reflects the free will given to us by God. With free will, comes responsibility for ourselves and others. But does dying to self mean acceptance of abuse?

Abuse of the government attacking free speech, deciding which words you must and mustn’t say, abuse of the media to emotionally manipulate, abuse from the state and endurance of brutality from police, abuse from the CHAZ zone in Seattle which attacked an evangelist and choked him, abuse from riots and those who get to decide if you are racist, privileged, homophobic, transphobic, do we have to accept abuse?

Did this powerlessness from my childhood warp my perspective on what abuse and entitlement mean? I believe if anything, it’s brought clarification that we must understand why we believe what we believe.

Christ willingly laid His life down. Yes we are to die to ourselves, but no one else can force us to do so, even God chooses to give us this freedom. If we were supposed to accept manipulation and abuse, the whole book of Exodus wouldn’t exist. God gives us responsibility, but He doesn’t appoint us to be needlessly controlled and chastised.

For having this belief, I don’t believe myself to be morally superior. I’m not sure I’m right, and to be honest I never am. I write just to point out the logical inconsistencies of an argument which states we must surrender our identity and free will to the state, to the mob & riots, or to anyone other than Christ. Those who act like they are morally superior- I can’t trust. It just shows a total lack of self-awareness. I’m not sure how you can believe yourself to be morally superior, and have this social justice/martyr mentality, without realizing that the first place you should start is yourself.

I’ve prayed many times that God would change my mind, because many of my convictions are inconvenient. If my viewpoint of free will is wrong, I sincerely pray He changes my heart. For now, this is where I stand.

[the-enraptured]

What is the responsibility of a Christian in the face of social injustice?

The heart of a Christ-follower is naturally empathetic, because to love God is to love one-another. After we are reborn, that carnal nature slowly starts to dissipate. So when we see a lost sheep, we tend to reflect the heart of the Father. Here is the command Christ gives us when we hear the bleating call;

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” Matt 10:16

We must be innocent in the eyes of God, which means to have empathy, and to love one another as Christ loves us. However we must also be wise, and we must know what the word love means.

We love to twist God into the form of our own image, instead of letting Him refine our hearts. Because of this it’s very easy to observe a polarity in the modern perception of the being of Christ. Conservatives like the imagery of a nationalist, patriotic gun-toting hero who has come to liberate us from the oppression of Rome. (Sound familiar?) Liberals (more so post-modern neo Marxists) like to view Christ as a guru who martyred Himself for equity, a possibility equal-outcome. This is the group of the itching ears, looking for the land of milk and honey, but still clinging onto the idols of “fairness” and the abolishment of all suffering.

I would say unfortunately, but in reality it’s quite fortunate, that Christ is neither of these things. A common theme I can see in both of these narratives is a complete and utter lack of personal responsibility. Christ was not hung on a tree so we could hold onto resentment toward oppressors. The Word of God reveals that I am the oppressor, and you are as well.

1 Peter 2:23 “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.”

“For each one will bear his own kid.” Gal 6:5

The wages of sin is death, so how could we expect a utopia to be born out of resentment? The nazis and marxists had this utopia in mind, a new world order. Where did it lead? These wolves in sheep’s clothing disguise themselves as sympathetic, altruistic even. However the common denominator parallels back to the story of Cain and Abel. Cain’s sense of injustice at an “unfair” outcome resulted in the slaughter of his brother. This type of society is led by a mob-mentality, complete and utter chaos fueled by hatred. Hatred towards the government, race, sex, class, power, intellect. However, even the Word declares that it rains on the just and unjust alike.

“not as Cain, who was of the evil one and slew his brother. And for what reason did he slay him? Because his deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous.” 1 John 3:12

Am I arguing that any group should be oppressed, and that backlash against a group is morally evil? Not necessarily. God heard the cries of the Israelites in Exodus, and led them away from abuse and persecution. God hears our cries, and empathizes with us.

“And now, behold, The cry of the people of Israel has come to me, and I have also seen the oppression with which the Egyptians oppress them.” Exodus 3:9

What I am arguing is the manner of practical application. Throwing money at an issue has never worked in history. Polarization leads to the chaotic downfall of empires, like the beheadings in the french revolution. And the simple fact is that the US has a past of racism, more so classism, a system designed to keep the poor oppressed and bound.

Black neighborhoods are over policed, planned parenthood locations are strategically placed near black neighborhoods and impoverished areas. The prison system forces slave labor upon people who have unfortunately learned to fend for themselves for a multitude of reasons, intentionally capitalizing upon the pain and suffering of those in difficult situations which lead them to make rash, impulsive decisions.

I believe the first thing we can do is change hearts and minds. Not even a career criminal, such as George Floyd, who pointed a gun at a pregnant woman’s belly, deserves to die from a knee on his neck. There is no excuse. We are to be innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around. We must have empathy for criminals and the poor, such as Jesus did for the prostitutes and thieves. We can’t view ourselves as morally superior, for without God we are just as carnal and capable of atrocity.

Romans 3:12 “All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.”

We can avoid crafty schemes of politicians and the media. Choose to watch news programs not funded by a giant corporation, those who have positive reputations and use statistics correctly without manipulation. Listen to conservative and liberal journalists, listen to non-biased journalists. Look at the data for yourself, and quite being lazy. The FBI website has statistics on a wide variety of hot topics.

“so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.” Eph 4:14

We can in addition reform the prison system and the general criminal justice system. Legally enforce cops to have yearly mental health evaluations screening symptoms of PTSD and other mental health conditions, create incentives for positive reinforcement in police departments for nonviolence.

We can write and speak out to make a small ripple that may multiply amongst eachother, creating a movement of truth without deception and emotional manipulation. We can vote and take advantage of the republic our founding fathers left to us, vote for politicians who don’t buy into the black and white simplistic mentality, those without a confirmation bias living in an echo chamber. Or even better, become a politician, and be the change you wish to see in the world.

Take personal responsibility. You cannot force people to feel what you feel, or to think how you think. God designed us with individual minds to serve different purposes. We only have the choice to control our own actions, and to selflessly love our neighbor as ourself, while at the same time seeing through deception of a false grace, a false love, a false peace, peace that the world gives to us unlike the peace Christ gives to us. If you see a homeless person, buy them lunch. Take them to get a haircut. This is how we need to tithe.

“And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward.” Matt 10:14

We must drop the racist narrative of white privilege, or privilege in general, along with identity politics. We must have empathy yet also be wise in not accepting pure anecdotal evidence and personal experience, until we believe any accusation we must have witnesses.

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Gal 3:28

“This is the third time I am coming to you. Every charge must be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” 2 Corinthians 13:1

Intercession. Prayer has power, and for far too long we have been dismissing the power of prayer. God tells us to pray for our leaders and our nation, we should be obedient in doing so. Through prayer we not only strengthen our nation, but we allow ourselves to be refined by God, so we are humble and ready to do His will.

Ezekiel 22:30, “I looked for someone among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found no one.”

#Jesus #God #Christian

[the-enraptured]

Black Lives Matter, but I won’t support #BlackLivesMatter

Before I write about how the #BLM movement is incompatible with Christianity, I must start with this. I personally have donated to George Floyd’s family, and I hope you would to. This is the go fund me link: https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd

That act of police brutality was absolutely disgusting, and we need reform. It was a total unnecessary abuse of power, and ultimately it was murder. No matter the past of Floyd, this act was inexcusable. I pray God has mercy on Floyd’s family and holds them close.

I would also like to clarify that this article is written for believers so it may not interest you if you don’t believe in Biblical principals, because the opposition to these principals from BLM is the reason I don’t align with their organization.

1. BLM openly aims to destroy the Biblical family structure. “We are committed to disrupting the Western-prescribed nuclear family structure requirement by supporting each other as extended families and “villages” that collectively care for one another, and especially “our” children to the degree that mothers, parents and children are comfortable.” - This information is from the Guiding Principals on the BLM website. While unfortunately not every family member has a father and mother, being a child from a broken home I will advocate for the Biblical family God has given us. Psychological conditions, financial conditions, and spiritual consequences stem from the destruction of family. This ideology is just incompatible with Christianity.

2. I don’t perceive being heterosexual as negative, and neither does the Bible. “We foster a queer‐affirming network. When we gather, we do so with the intention of freeing ourselves from the tight grip of heteronormative thinking, or rather, the belief that all in the world are heterosexual (unless s/he or they disclose otherwise).” - Another quote from the BLM “what we believe” page.

3. Victim mentality. ““Reparations for…full and free access for all Black people (including undocumented and currently and formerly incarcerated people) to lifetime education…retroactive forgiveness of student loans, and support for lifetime learning programs.” In my life, I have been victimized and abused. However, an important lesson I learned started off with a revelation I heard while listening to Dan Mohler. “No one owes you anything”. I hold this standard to myself, and as Christians we are to die to ourselves. This is contrary to demanding repetitions from innocent people who had nothing to do with the horrific tragedies of old. This clip is one of many that shows the entitlement that is encouraged by the movement. https://youtu.be/p2iMM7m12zE

4. They are pro-abortion. ““We deserve and thus we demand reproductive justice [aka abortion] that gives us autonomy over our bodies and our identities while ensuring that our children and families are supported, safe, and able to thrive.” This is incompatible with the Biblical description of how God Himself forms us in our mother’s wombs, and how we have a purpose before we are born. BLM partners with planned parenthood financially, so when you make a donation, it very well may go to funding abortions.

5. Eulogies written for mass murderers who persecute Christians such as Fidel Castro: https://medium.com/@BlackLivesMatterNetwork/lessons-from-fidel-black-lives-matter-and-the-transition-of-el-comandante-c11ee5e51fb0#.raw9uqjhd

6. Donations to #blacklivesmatter do not go to those who have faced racial injustice and victimization, the donations go to the DNC. No founding member has commented on how donated finances are allocated. https://medium.com/@dtod95/the-black-lives-matter-organization-is-a-money-laundering-scheme-d11abba4547e

Do with this information what you will, but I personally am not comfortable aligning with a political party and donating to a campaign that doesn’t fit into the morality that comes from the Bible.

I would like to encourage all Christians to state that Jesus loves black lives, but not to share and spread the hashtag of #blacklivesmatter due to the political ties and anti-Biblical rhetoric, as it encourages others to fund this organization that is completely incompatible with Christianity. As Christians we absolutely have a responsibility to stand against injustice.

Proverbs 17:15 ESV

He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous are both alike an abomination to the Lord.

Jeremiah 22:3-5 ESV

Thus says the Lord: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the resident alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place. For if you will indeed obey this word, then there shall enter the gates of this house kings who sit on the throne of David, riding in chariots and on horses, they and their servants and their people. But if you will not obey these words, I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that this house shall become a desolation.

Proverbs 31:8-9 ESV

Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Colossians 2:8 ESV See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.

Ephesians 4:14 so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.

[the-enraptured]

What does Heaven sound like?

Poetry depicts serene harps

With plucking angels

Strolls in tall green grass

But something lies deeper

In the heart of the Father

Yes, serene voices with beauty

But shouts of freedom

And cries of victory

Like the bells ringing after a war.

#jesus #christian #god #christian podcast

[the-enraptured]

Daughter

This morning I woke up, and I felt convicted for scrolling on social media first thing. Why is my immediate reaction to grab my phone? I began to pray, in a rushed manner. It felt like a chore. As I started to tell God honestly; “I don’t know what to pray about or what to say”. I remembered I am not tethered to a works based religion, it is an honor to be able to commune with God. I am a daughter.

I told God I just want to touch Him. This is something I’ve been praying for a while. I want to have no blockage between us, I want to physically feel His arms embrace me. At that moment He gave me a vision of being lifted off of my bed, and His arms embracing me. He told me “My Spirit is inside and all around you, I am always embracing you.”

I get so caught up in trajectories I see played out in my head, martyrdom, freedom, fighting for an ideal world, for restoration of the church. In a sense it makes me feel condemned to suffering. I’m not trying to refute what Jesus said when He said we will face trials and tribulation, but what God whispered to me in that moment is that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego didn’t feel condemned even when in their mind they risked becoming martyrs. “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty.” Daniel‬ ‭3:17‬

I told my friend Debbie about how I had been feeling abandoned by God. I started having anxiety attacks again, and what she pointed out is that doubt and fear are both sin. Sin separates us from God, and she gave me a scripture that I am holding on to. “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭11:6‬

We must believe He is a rewarder, and that He has our good in His heart and mind. That’s what it means to be a Father, and that’s why we call Him “Abba”!

And this morning when I continued to pray and search the scripture I ran across this. “And Sarah declared, “God has brought me laughter. All who hear about this will laugh with me.” Genesis‬ ‭21:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This was when Sarah gave birth to Isaac when her husband Abraham was 100 years old. God will bless us in ways that are so incredible, our only response will be joy and laughter.

#jesus #christian #god #christian podcast

[the-enraptured]

New Episode

#postmodern #postmoderism #existentialism #absolutism #christian #gospel #jesus #holy spirit #god #christianity #christian podcast #truth #philosophy #the bible #bible #scripture #nihilism

[the-enraptured]

We don’t do secrets.

I got to thinking after listening to one of my favorite preachers, Dan Mohler. He stated “It’s possible to live without secrets.” This may not have an impact on you like it had on me.

I grew up with one side of my family always telling me to keep secrets. One of my family members would give me cold medicine so I wouldn’t annoy her when I was a child. She always said “don’t tell your mom, this is our secret.” Without too much detail, this is what my father told me to. “They’d put me in jail if you told anyone, you know I didn’t mean to do that right?”

I lived in a state of keeping others secrets, and yet having no privacy of my own. I’d find my journal opened up, displayed. My family telling me “That didn’t really happen! Why did you write that?” My father went through my cell phone my mom got for me, and called to cuss out a boy, and use racial slurs, I was innocently talking to at twelve years old.

About a year ago I remember going into the office of Dr. Marti Williams, the now pastor and leader of Bethesda School of Ministry. A personal issue was on my heart, and I told her I wasn’t supposed to talk about it. She looked at me and said “We don’t do secrets here.” That really changed something in me.

We should have a relationship like that with God. No secrets. Isn’t that how we come as we are? When we fail, Satan wants to use it as an attempt to rob us from experiencing grace. Condemnation is not conviction. I want all of my relationships with others to be the same. I want everyone to trust that I give an honest, straight-forward answer without any hidden agenda or secret. I hate secrets, and I hate how they’re used to destroy relationships.

(This excludes intimacy and privacy of course.)

#jesus #christian #christian journal #christian blog #infp #christian infp

[the-enraptured]

New episode about healing from Christ.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6HKL1XOv6ySgjUJ06KZVhL?si=0WqwbtQDS9eH-JmwC9yfcA

#charismatic #faith healing #healing #deliverance #jesus #the holy spirit #lifestyle christianity #podcast #christian podcast

[the-enraptured]

Dreams

This isn’t scripture based on dreams, this is all just personal experience.

Dreams can be like food. Food can be used to nourish, it can also be used to gorge. It’s up to the one who partakes. I believe dreams are a state of consciousness that can be used by God, the enemy, and flesh.

A few months ago, I had this dream over and over, that I was pregnant and I gave birth to a daughter. She was beautiful, but I grew to despise her. I regret having her, she caused me so much misery. A group of those gifted in the prophetic told me that it was a dream about my ministry in the future, how I would possibly not be satisfied with the outcome, but that it would still grow into fruition. I can already see my own personal frustration with ministry.

A few months later, I had dreams repeatedly once again about tornados, and trying to get inside the church. I believe that whatever this is, is what that dream was predicting.

Does God give us prophetic dreams so we can freak out? No. He gives us dreams so that we may intercede, pray, and petition.

I’ve also had dreams from the enemy about people I had relationships with. The dreams consisted of me marrying them, or picking up the phone to call them. One I had not too long ago was about me seeing my ex lead worship at church. That was interesting. The enemy can use dreams like this to motivate you to move backwards in pivotal times of your life.

Of course nightmares exist too. I believe these can be from the flesh and also from the enemy. I won’t get into mine, you have your own to deal with.

But my dream last night, I’m still trying to understand. Maybe it was God, maybe it was flesh. Perhaps it was the enemy.

When we have a question about truth and perception, we need to pray.

My dream last night was me looking out the window, and seeing smoke. I shut the doors to my house, locked everything inside, and then I couldn’t breathe. I was slowly suffocating, and in some strange sense I knew everyone else was too. Eventually like in carbon monoxide poisoning, I laid down and went to sleep.

All I know is this;

“My God sent His angel and shut the lions’ mouths, so that they have not hurt me, because I was found innocent before Him; and also, O king, I have done no wrong before you.””

‭‭Daniel‬ ‭6:22‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭10:19‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭3:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

‭‭II Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.”

‭‭I John‬ ‭4:4‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:38-39‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

#corona #christian #lifestyle christianity #dreams #prophetic #prophet #prophetess #jesus #yeshua

[the-enraptured]

The Hospital Room

“How He Loves” is a special song between God and I. Every time it plays, it’s like God is telling me He loves me. The first time I heard it was when I went to youth group for the first time, at age 11. My father was calling my mothers phone and my phone repeatedly, Wednesday’s were his nights. It was ordered by the court, but I wanted to be in church. I was fearing for my life, for my sanity, and the song plays “I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy” He loves us, oh how He loves us. I felt the Holy Spirit’s wings hovering over my spirit that night.

Church was my home. It was what I looked forward to all week. I needed God, I still need God. Where could I turn to without His presence? Where could I go? One night I had to miss church. The CPS case was being filed against my father, and it came out that I had suicidal thoughts. The CPS worker suggested to my mom that she rush me to the hospital immediately. I waited and sobbed on the bed, I didn’t want to miss church. I felt true heartbreak, the death of hope. I NEEDED to meet with Jesus.

“So I must rise in search of him, looking throughout the city, seeking until I find him. Even if I have to roam through every street, nothing will keep me from my search. Where is he—my soul’s true love? He is nowhere to be found. Then I encountered the overseers as they encircled the city. So I asked them, “Have you found him— my heart’s true love?””

‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭3:2-3‬ ‭TPT‬

My mom and my grandma were with me. My mom played “how he loves” on her phone at my request. It was that night I learned that communion with God was more than a building. The sanctuary rests in relationship and communion with the Father. I wish I would have known long before that moment.

I can’t do anything without the presence of God. I don’t want to take a step without Him. I am possessed by God.

“Rise up, Zion maidens, brides-to-be! Come and feast your eyes on this king as he passes in procession on his way to his wedding. This is the day filled with overwhelming joy— the day of his great gladness.”

‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭3:11‬ ‭TPT‬‬

This time in my life is so sacred. I have no distractions from my relationship with Jesus. I am truly in love. I didn’t know deeper encounters existed before this week. I thought I had reached the limit, but I found something after faithfully mining, a precious diamond. Keep digging.

[the-enraptured]

Sanctification & Shame

“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:12-13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

After coming up with a new system to make sure everything I have is organized, buying a wallet connected to my phone and keys, I lost my debit card again. I have lost maybe up to 10 debit cards at this point in time.

I had a total brain glitch the other day when a customer was asking for change and gave me $40 and said she was going to tip $5. I was waiting for her to give me the $5 and take back the other $20. I know how simple math works, and basic subtraction. But my brain just totally gave up on me.

I keep making mistakes almost everyday that should seem so obvious to me. I feel so much shame sometimes, not because I want to be perfect, but just because I can’t cope with the concept of causing problems for other people. I know I was born to help humanity, not hurt it, and when I make the smallest error for someone else it feels like an internal betrayal. I’ve struggled with this for many years, inadvertently hurting or inconveniencing people makes me feel so much shame.

But when I look back at my life, all that I’ve gone through, and how much I’ve changed in the last year, I’m amazed. One of my friends came over to my house for a vision board party I had, and said something about one of my older photos makes me look unrecognizable. I was about the same weight, with the same haircut and everything. It was genuinely the spark of hope that I gained after coming back to God again.

Some developments take longer than others. After having teachers call me “lazy”, “slacker”, “unmotivated” and being diagnosed with so many disorders, learning my identity has been the hardest thing development. I’ve had so many hurtful things ingrained in my brain throughout the years, and God chose instead of wiping it clean, to mold how I view myself like a potter. That means with every frustration I feel towards myself, I must yield to Him instead of beating myself up or trying to change myself in my own strength.

I’ve realized two things, one is that God changes people in different ways because people have different experiences and personalities. The second is that I feel the slow walk of sanctification is more romantic than just being wiped clean. It truly shows I didn’t have literally any part in my salvation, just the leap of faith I took to trust in God.

I trust that all of this groaning and weeping in life is not for nothing. A beautiful baby will be born.

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬