termlna

[termlna]

when will i stop making sacrifices

#seroma #i'll forgive you because you're tired #i'll forgive you because you're stressed #i'll forgive you because you're busy #i'll forgive you because you're in pain #it's never your fault. right? #it just wasn't in the stars for me to be a priority #ever. in any case #i'll never get what i want #but it's okay. you're doing your best. right? #is this normal? #am i being dramatic? do i understand anything? #surely this is the best i will ever be treated #and to spend time wondering if i can experience a television romance is just delusional #it's not like im a catch anyway #of course he doesn't treat me like i can create gold from my fingertips #he treats me like a friend. a pal. a buddy. he always has. #maybe one day i'll get treated romantically #how did someone who enjoys all things love and romance get stuck in a relationship with so little affection? #we've been together so long and ive been unhappy for most of it it seems. i keep settling for less and lowering my expectations and hopes #i had a birthday within the last week. im getting too old to just. reenter the dating pool. find someone Perfect #im too scared to try so. i guess i'll continue being unhappy. growing resentment. losing the light in my eyes. #he's not a bad person. he's incredibly lovely. he's just. we're just... we've never been compatible i guess. #but we're still going. i guess i will die with him. i have to try to be in love with him again. i can't be miserable in my unhappiness #i at least need to find contentedness. or something. i don't even want to live that long. god life fucking sucks. #maybe someday he will change like ive been asking and hoping he will after 7 years. maybe we will suddenly become compatible. #maybe he will start prioritizing me. maybe he will think of me more. maybe he will communicate in my love language. #if he ever saw this i think i would take the easy way out instantly. there's no way this wouldn't hurt him immensely. #im sorry. it's not your fault. right?

[termlna]

why does it feel like ive been talking my whole life and no one is ever listening?

#letmywordsgo

[termlna]

oh, i dare you. go ahead and be kind to me. maybe i would fall back in love with you.

#letmywordsgo #seroma #but you never try without me asking for it do you? #do you ever fucking think for yourself? #do you care about me at all? #or have i been asking for it this whole time? #if i stop asking would you forget about me altogether? #i think im finally done trying #can you prove yourself to me for once without me telling you word for word what i need? #can you show me that you've been listening every time i asked? #you were paying attention weren't you? the hundreds of times i asked you to change? to make an effort? #you don't need me to spell it out again do you? #you don't need me to remind you again do you? #again and again and again and again and again and #it never fucking ends! will i never be happy? #is it my fault or yours?

[termlna]

why does he never answer the right way

#letmywordsgo #seroma #i always picture a good response in my head #and he always goes somewhere completely different #it's never really a pleasant surprise #it's not like. bad. it's just #not what i. would prefer. it's not #dreamy. or romantic #it's never. romantic #i'll be happy with you someday. right? #i only feel this way because we're still long distance right? #it'll be fixed once we're living together. right? #once i truly have no other choice? #i think i want to die alone. before any of that happens #i will never leave this house. #i shouldn't anyway. im not meant for the world

[termlna]

this isn't the life i want for myself

i hardly even want to live at all

but if i do, if i do go on, this isn't what i want

what do i want?

does it even matter?

i won't be able to afford it. i can't have the life of my dreams. im not worthy of it anyway.

this isn't what i want

so what's the point?

why am i doing this still?

why am i wasting time waiting for it to get better?

it's not going to. life doesn't work that way.

im a burden on everyone who has ever known me

and people that are no longer in my life should be grateful they don't have to deal with me anymore

i don't know how i tricked anyone into believing i was worth loving

i feel so guilty towards the people i know now

if i could die right this second would i take that chance?

yeah. i don't want to do this anymore. the small wonderful things that life has to offer, they aren't for me. all i do is make things worse. this isn't worth it. im not worth it. please let me out. let me go.

#letmywordsgo #please let me out. #please let me go. #please. #let the entirety of my life become a forgotten little corner of the internet #i don't think i care #someone could stumble upon this place someday and wonder #'did they make it out alive?' #it could be me. 30 years from now remembering the name of this place and finding an archive #looking back and wondering how i ever felt this way #or it could be you #reading what remains of a person whose thoughts are forever buried 6 feet under #i would tell you that im finally resting well if i could #i found a way to get some peace of mind #thanks for tuning in. or sorry you had to see this #it's cool. why would i care? im dead #i mean. how many times am i going to come back here and say i wish i was dead before i finally let myself go? #how many times am i going to wake up the next day and hope things will be better from then on? #things haven't gotten better since the last time i posted. or the time before that. what is going to change? #you expect me to be proactive in my own life? it's hardly fucking worth it. look where i am. let me fuck off. #when i draw my last breath give it to someone else who could use it #god what a waste.

[termlna]

“I longed to find a day when it would not be all the same, —”

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, from “The Dream of a Ridiculous Man,” wr. c. 1877

#words

[termlna]

it would really be a blessing if you were more mature than me. but alas, we are the same.

#letmywordsgo #seroma #i love the way we let each other down

[termlna]

no fucking way did you just talk to me like that lmfao

#letmywordsgo #seroma #yeah just this once dude for sure for sure #keep missing the point bro that's cool

[termlna]

im so fucking sick of having doubts about our relationship

#letmywordsgo #seroma #it's not your fault im pretty sure #i just. idk. #im so fucking uncertain #things feel off and they have for a long time and idk #i can't trust myself. like. i have no idea if im just being crazy or if there's really something wrong #and it's so fucking frustrating cause this is gonna be the rest of my life #and if i don't figure it out then im going to make both of us miserable #like how much of me not wanting to move in with you. how much of that is fear and how much of that is made up bullshit and how much #of that is legitimate concern and how much of that is reasonable #i literally can't fucking tell #i don't know at all if my apprehension is fair or not #i desperately need a third fucking party i can trust to talk this out with cause something isn't clicking and i need help so bad #i feel like... our lives aren't fully intertwined yet but even at this state it would be just horrible to break up with each other #almost 6 years now and there's so much we share together. and i love you. but i don't know that im in love with you anymore. im so... #im so tired of asking you to do better all the time. the only time i saw improvement in you was when i was actually threatening to leave. #ik you have so much on your plate but. idk im just not happy and i literally don't know if it's you or if it's me #like maybe you are doing enough. maybe you're doing just fine. it just isn't enough for me. because i want to be treated like royalty ig #im so disgusting that i keep thinking that if i had another person interested in me then i would have an easier time deciding if #you're the one i want. but there is no such person forcing me to look within and decide. you're all i have and it's making me feel like #im taking what i can get. and i don't know if that's true. im afraid that if i leave you then there's no one else who will love me like you #i already don't think im deserving of love at all. and i have yours. and i dare think it's not good enough? what's wrong with me? #i honestly must be a fundamentally broken person to be thinking like this. why can't i just be happy with you? why? what is wrong with me? #things like this make me remember why i am always wanting to not be alive. it'd be so much easier if i were just gone. #i wouldn't have to hurt you. i don't want to. i love you. im sorry. it's not your fault. im so demanding and you deserve better #you deserve someone who isn't me. someone who will love you and treat you with kindness. someone who understands you. #someone who isn't me. because it isn't #is it?

[termlna]

And in these next 50 years you will eat so many delicious meals, laugh so many times with so many people you love, shout and scream and sing and cry and smile so hard your face hurts. And you will see such beautiful sunsets and feel fresh cold air on your face and feel warm and safe wrapped up in your favourite winter coat.

[termlna]

“You lived through that, you will live through this too”

Yes, but how many things do I have to live through? How many times do I have to be grateful I made it out alive? When do I get to stop surviving and start thriving?

[termlna]

ive really not been well lately :)

#letmywordsgo #it doesn't matter #nothing is going to change #i'll just get over it and my life will stay the same #my birthday is only a couple months away now #i keep getting older #but every day is identical #and i don't want to do any work #i think i was born to be a burden #i haven't been right since that day #my biggest worry is that i'll try to improve my life #but i can only do it a little #and to make it ideal is out of reach #my life is mediocre and im terribly afraid it'll stay that way even with effort #im so scared to try and see no success #'why did i even bother' i would say #'it wasn't worth it' #what an awful way to live #im such a waste of space

[termlna]

Fariha Róisín, How to Cure a Ghost

#words

[termlna]

sometimes i daydream about running away

not taking anything at all with me and just. walking out of this damn house and down the street never to be seen again

i imagine it as like a fade out, when i leave. im just gone. but i know that’s not how it works. in reality i would have nowhere to go, no food, no money, and i would likely die before making it very far. i have asthma and my knees/ankles are weak and would not carry me far, and i am not resourceful so i wouldn’t be able to find a way to eat.

but still i fantasize about it, almost. the ability to be free enough to just leave everything behind. the freedom to do as i please, including walk so far that i’ll die. even if i’d be alone, at least it would be the one thing i have ever done for myself.

#letmywordsgo #it's strange #i am a materialistic person and i worry about my stuff all the time #but when i daydream about this #i leave it ALL behind #and that thought does not bother me #if only i could have a completely fresh start like they do in movies #but.... #you need money for that #and the desire or ability to do some hard labor #there is no romance in life #i used to think so but #it's fiction

[termlna]

i dreamt that i missed you, that you were my sister. when i saw you, i wrapped my arms around you and hugged you so tight and sobbed as though i had been alone until meeting you again.

it’s a little sad how unrealistic that is. you were an awful, terrible person to me in high school. but we were both depressed teenagers. i hope you have improved as a person since then, but only so i can know you haven’t fucked up anyone else like you fucked me up.

it’s been almost a decade since then. i believe i have since picked up the pieces you made of me, and what’s left is that which you had no part of. yet, i can’t help but wonder what you think of me? i wonder how many people you told that i was suicide-baiting you and not, yknow, actually suicidal? how many people still don’t know to this day that i meant it? i guess it doesn’t really matter. even if they do think i was being a manipulative pos, i hope they also realize i was a depressed teenager and forgive me for that thing i didn’t do. im a depressed mid-20s adult now and i still feel like killing myself sometimes. i don’t vent to people anymore, which, truthfully, is a good thing, but i also wouldn’t tell people if i planned to end it all, which, unfortunately, is probably still your influence.

isn’t that sad? one thing you did as a barely-adult teenager (turn everyone against me by accusing me of being manipulative when i was just scared and reaching out because i didn’t want to die but felt like i had no other choice) still affects me to this day. i hope there’s a day someday when i stop feeling suicidal forever, but in the more realistic reality where i might end up in that same dark place i was when i tried asking you for help, i hope that i find the strength to reach out to one of my current friends. i hope i won’t die alone like you basically taught me to do. i hope you’ve grown up and realized that was a really, really shitty thing to do.

#letmywordsgo #manipulation #though i wonder if you even know i was being honest? #did you somehow genuinely believe i was baiting? #do you still think i was even now? #my brain is so broken that i STILL want everyone who knows and misunderstood to understand it wasn't a bid for attention #it was a cry for help because i was in a genuinely dark place and my life could have ended for real #why do i care what any of them think though? #i honest to god never want to see any of those people again #why do i still care that any of them might reminisce about teenage me and think i had suicide baited someone #as if my reputation was really so pristine before that #i was an annoying teenager that's for damn sure #and no matter what i am not that person anymore (i hope) #and they don't know me now #i am never going to be in high school again #thank fucking god. thank fucking god.

[termlna]

and i start to wonder

with luck as bad as mine, maybe it means... it means i don’t deserve good things. i don’t deserve to win, and i mull over why i thought i was ever deserving at all.

#letmywordsgo #i always get my hopes up too #it's so pathetic lol #i made all of my friends take a bet with me and if i lose this #well #idk i feel like it's just another sign on top of it all #that my life is just.... #.... #ive been... having suicidal thoughts again lately #i keep wanting to die over trivial things #im not really okay just living to see what happens next like i have been #i kind of want to stop altogether #im over it. i don't want to feel this way anymore. im tired.

[termlna]

would really like to have no problems for once

could really use having a normal, simple life for awhile

#letmywordsgo #dude i fucking hate my life #im so sick of every misfortune #i dont dream of a remarkable time on this earth #i just want a life worth living #this aint it #i wish suicide were an easier thing to do #i'd be done with it by now