#you think I overshare on the internet? hah | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sw4tch · 1 year

Text

vent post do not open

sigh u know what the problem is?

i don’t open up to people. I just don’t. you might think i overshare on here but that’s because this is basically my diary.

everywhere else? closed tomb.

I will die without people knowing my true thoughts. I am always silent.

I don’t speak. I just sit and listen and nod and laugh and look over them all with a placid expression.

Recently i had a meetup with my closest buddies and.

Well it was kind of nightmarish at some points. I had to go and hide myself in the bathroom at times because i was on the verge of a panic attack.

everyone else is so full of life. of interesting things to say. everyone else is happier than me.

And the problem isn’t that, it’s not really envy.

I just end up pitying myself because GOD why am i such a boring fuck?

I have things to say!!! I have interests!! I have passions!! I write 12k word fics, i make elaborate oc stories, i have STRONG opinions about certain movies and i still can’t say a fucking thing for fuck’s sake!

Because... I’m not good at talking. Hah. Maybe that’s why I’ve become so good at writing long, long, looooong entries on here. At least the written word allows me to express myself.

My voice? It fails me. Every time.

and, and even when i WANT to text a friend? There’s always a voice telling me “you’re annoying them. shut up”

And I always listen to it.

but also.

Existing is such a lonely experience for me.

I want to share my interests with my friends but.

I know they aren’t as interested in those things as me.

I fucking love talking about THEIR interests, i always bring a 100% energy to those conversations but when i imagine myself sharing??? my interests??? with them???

It’s horrific, the idea that they’ll have to pretend they want to talk to me about it.

Like.

My best friend, i want to share EVERY single fic and art i do with them but.

I just know they have better things to do than to indulge my childish interests.

i mean, fuck it, i pour my heart out, or i share something i’m embarrassed about, and i won’t even get a response sometimes. which SHOULD BE OKAY GODDD everyone is busy nowadays i am DEEPLY AWARE.

but it still hurts when it happens. It makes me think they saw what i shared and they despised it (I KNOW, I KNOW IT’S MY BRAIN LYING TO ME but i still end up believing its lies). and it only solidifies the idea that i can never share what i do because NO ONE CARES.

and. and god. that should be okay, i should be at peace with that because it’s not that deep, it’s not a reflection of my human worth, everyone just has a limited number of effort they can pour on their life, socializing is hard, no one is at my service etc etc but still.

i wish i could talk casually to other friends but i’m always asking myself “is it appropriate? am i bothering them? god, i’m so sorry for existing and ever DARING to want to talk with them”

An online friend i was talking to explicitly said to me “you can always share with me any other thing you want to talk about!” and i still CAN’T.

I want to share my ideas about the thing i’m obsessed with at the moment- here’s my thought process in that scenario.

- instinct: share to best friend > ah but i am worried what they might think of me if they see me pour my heart out and be a dumbass. i think too highly of them. i adore them too much. i care too much about what they think of me > let’s not share with them then

- ok let’s share with another friend that isn’t that close to me but i can still share these things with > no no we’re not close ENOUGH, we’re breaching the social contract here, you’d make a fool of yourself, you’d be actually bothering them, they’d know TOO MUCH about you, and you’re not comfortable being that vulnerable with someone you don’t have that level of trust yet > ok let’s not share then

- let’s share with an internet friend then? > are you INSANE? they have LIVES outside the computer, they don’t have time for you, how many times have you guys even TALKED to decide you can just barge into their dms and start ranting, hell we still need to make a good impression on them so we better. Not talk to them at all ESPECIALLY if you know for a fact this interest on your current obsession isn’t MUTUAL > let’s not share with them in that case

...So in the end i’m left with no one to share with.

You see the problem? That’s why i’m always on this goddamn website. I CAN FINALLY talk about what i obsess and love here.

But...It’s also literally speaking into the void.

You know, I have 833 followers. I know for a fact probably like 60% of those are dead accounts mostly bcus i’ve been here so goddamn long.

But i’ve never really had... a big group of friends here. I don’t really interact with others here other than a reply here, a tag mentioning them there, just... the smallest of interactions.

I have mutuals i genuinely adore, but we don’t talk! At this point i don’t think we ever will because even though we’ve been following each other for so long and i genuinely think they’re cool and funny people- i still cannot fathom a scenario in which i drop them a “hi hello how was your day??” and it’s not weird.

Who am I to think we’re friends?

I just. I’m too deeply aware at all times that connecting with others is. Is inherently a nuisance for them. You’re bothering someone else, and in the best case scenario, they don’t mind and in fact welcome it.

But daring to try and connect that first time? Reaching out? making yourself known??? showing what’s in your mind, in your heart??? god. it’s the biggest social transgression and you have to TRUST the other side likes you enough to welcome your companionship.

And my god.

After reading all of this i just.

Is it any surprise that one day i will drown in my own loneliness?

You know, i’ve been obsessing over the magnus archives a lot lately. and i just can’t get The Lonely out of my head.

Because my experience on the internet has just been The Lonely for YEARS now. talking to a void. never able to reach out. never having others reach out to me.

ah. ah there’s the lie. I see you. I see you.

I do have internet friends, i just mentioned them you see. But i guess. I guess my brain doesn’t register them. I think my brain still believes they don’t count because i don’t feel like i can just talk to them whenever i want. (Even though i could. I could... But i guess that’s a hurdle i still can’t get past).

I enjoy talking with them a lot. But usually they have to message me first because i’m too afraid to do so myself haha! ha! ha! it’s so funny it makes me cry!

I want to connect with others so bad but i just can’t.

God why am i like this?

It used to be so easy.

Why am i so afraid?

I just hate the idea of bothering people. Because if I bother them, they’ll hate me, and they’ll be grossed out by me, and. and. and they’ll leave.

But before they do they will be disgusted by who am i as a person, and that’s the worst thing. The Worst Thing I can Imagine.

God, i really do need the reassurance i am welcomed and wanted each step of the way huh? hah. hah. hah. Fail ass snail.

Don’t be cruel.

Don’t be cruel to yourself.

Anyway.

The Lonely right?

I live it, I feel it, it’s what surrounds me every day.

And you know how the people in the podcast consistently defeat The Lonely?

It’s with love.

By remembering someone you love. By remembering those that love you. By asserting who you are and what you love.

And it always make me smile.

Truly, love is what will save me. Always.

Love is real. Yes! It’s real, i’m not lying.

But you have to trust in love. You have to trust it.

You have to trust that the people you care about will care about you too. You have to trust that even if you annoy them, they will like you enough to not cut you off from their lives over every little moment in which you weren’t charming.

And you have to trust that your love for your friends is strong on both sides.

Oh Snaily you love so deeply, why can’t you believe it’s reciprocated?

Snaily, you keep your friendships as true as possible, why can’t you believe they’re true on both sides?

Why can’t you believe your friends will like your weirdness? Aren’t we proud to be freaks? You tell them each time they should allow themselves to be cringe and free but.

Are you allowing yourself that?

Oh Snaily, my beloved.

Please be more considerate to yourself. I know you try to be as kind as you can, as quiet, as polite, as little of a problem as possible.

But this is not living. You’re living in a lie, a lie in which you’re never wanted by anyone ever. It’s a lie. It’s a big and powerful and scary lie, but it’s right there in the name as an illusion.

We’re tired of The Lonely, you will need to reach out to get out of it.

I love you, i love you, i love you, i love you.

Loving and wanting love is a horror but it’s worth loving at its fullest despite it all.

end of post.

#snaily blabber

1 note · View note

cherrykcrunch · 7 years

Text

I’m answering those oversharing questions anyways

Who hurt you the most? - oh that could be taken many different ways. How about who’s hurt my for the longest? emotionally, mentally. My family most likely.

Who have you hurt the most? - I don’t know I don’t tend to stick around in people’s lives and play any sort of big part in them. Probably the person I’ve wanted to hurt least unfortunately.

Who do you miss the most? - The people I never got to say goodbye to, the ones that I did. The ones that are still here but faded from my life. my grandmother, my ‘uncle’, any family friend I considered family that’s dead or distant really. Friends that just disappeared.

Who do you want out of your life the most? - who I want? easy, just ask who do I like most and you’ve got your answer.

Who had the biggest positive impact on you? - I think I’ll give that to my grandmother who’s passed.

Who had the biggest negative impact on you? - who’s had or is having? family again.

Who do you wish you could be honest with? - everyone. myself. my psychiatrist maybe.

Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards? - oh listing all of them would take a lifetime. but honestly? people I should never have had any feeling for at all. I’ve had a lot of secret feelings that aren’t at all what they should be towards people. I feel vile for it but what can I say? it’s not like I can really control it but I can hide it.

Who would the world be better off without? - easy. my cousin. the one who won’t leave me alone. Whom I won’t ever, ever forgive.

Who do you wish you’d treated differently? - many people. I’ll always regret the thanks and apologies I never gave, or never thought to give until too late

What was the worst day of your life? - how about we say worst year instead. 2016 or perhaps 2015 they were both terrible.

What’s your greatest fear? - people being able to read my thoughts. dying alone, despised by anyone I’ve ever loved or cared for. dying by my own hand in the sense of giving up and just rotting away dying by staying in the same place and just never getting up again. Trying to speak or communicate but no one understands as I just scream in my head and my thoughts become one fog and I can’t move I can’t make a sound, I can’t see or hear or do anything. Complete and utter helplessness

What’s your biggest insecurity? - only one? haha.

What’s your biggest regret? - only one again? my actions.

Describe your ideal world. - one where I’m not who I am now. One without me. or one where I get everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m too dumb to overthink things and I live in absolute contented ignorant bliss.

Describe your personal hell. - a world where my greatest fears become my reality.

What’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to? - not becoming a disappointment. Being remembered in the history of the world as more than just a name among all the others. I wish that my name, who I am, or who I was or who I could become was passed on and known a name spoken either in reverence or disgust but still, spoken.

What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been? - that’s tough, Anything involving people knowing about any of my internet history really.

What’s the angriest you’ve ever been? - hah. Going through my grandma’s house after her death with my cousin there. Seeing her there acting as if she deserves to be there. as if she doesn’t deserve every terrible thing that has and ever will come to her and worse.

What’s the saddest you’ve ever been? - tough call. deaths make me sad. endings make me sadder.

What’s the most scared you’ve ever been? - couldn’t say really, I guess there’s been some nights where I’ve read things or listened to things that genuinely make me afraid of everything that could be there but couldn’t be seen. alternatively the prospect of someone finding out about all the things I seek out.

What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt? - either in the psych ward or outside but that doesn’t compare to how real nightmares can feel. In dreams you have no control or sense of logic, or at the least that’s true of nightmares.

What’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt? - I don’t know

What’s the bravest you’ve ever felt? - Standing up to people I guess.

What’s the best case scenario for your future? - I get the job I want. I’m successful, I have someone who loves me as much as I’m able to love them. I can feel at peace and I want a long life.

What’s the worst case scenario for you future? - I fail. I become the terrible things I idealize. my worst fears become all I have, all I can be.

What’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt? - It was some sort of stomach cramp combined with a menstrual one. I crawled out of my room, into the floor on the hallway. Trying not to move because it hurt so bad, dry heaving, covered in sweat that felt cold and then hot again every other moment. late at night when no one could hear and I thought I was dying. I just wanted it to end so badly. I was there for hours and eventually I woke someone up with the sound and I got some help. nothing ever came of it. but the helplessness was terrible.

What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt? - who knows.

Describe a time you felt like a hypocrite. - oh all the time. whenever I give people shit for acting like a bad person it’s as if I know they should be saying it to me and if they did they’d be right.

Describe a time you felt like a traitor. - when I break my promises. the ones I mean.

Describe a time you felt like a hero. - I don’t ever feel that way.

Describe a time you felt inhuman. - whenever I dissociate really. when I delude myself into thinking I’m more or less than human.

Describe a time you felt like a failure. - right now?

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? - tough question. the worst thing I’ve ever done are really the thoughts of doing things.

What are you proudest of? - nothing

What’s your relationship with your family like? - all over the place. close in theory but distant in application in terms of emotion.

What’s your relationship with religion like? - It’s something I never talk about but something I despise and hate and fear more than anything. Not because of any people but because of the feeling. because of the concept.

Talk about someone you’ve lost. - Someone who was always making others laugh, someone who only ever said good about me, someone who I wished I’d responded to sooner. Someone who’s emails and messages I can barely bear to look at but can’t bring myself to delete.

Talk about someone who abandoned you. - Someone I knew for nine years of my life, someone I trusted, someone who lied to me, turned on me, someone who I don’t exactly forgive but don’t forget about.

Talk about a desire you have that scares you. - The desires about people doing things to me. about things I could do to other people.

What’s something you wish you were capable of? - bettering myself truly.

What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of? - hurting people beyond the point of return.

Describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into. - one where I don’t have this shitty stew of mental health shitty relationships and unlucky situations.

Describe your worst heartbreak. - the worst heartbreaks are the ones I force upon myself. The ones that I think of and obsess over and tell myself I can never have.

Describe your worst disappointment. - me

Have you ever taken a fall for someone? - yes of course. I would for few people but for the people I would? I’d fall hard

Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you? - only in minor cases.

Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone? - no

Have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone? - I wish that I could say no but I’m not certain

Have you ever self-harmed? - yes

Have you ever attempted suicide? - no only gotten close. only thought about it.

Have you ever stolen something? - food?

Have you ever cheated on someone? - only in my thoughts.

Have you ever been cheated on? - no

Have you ever taken revenge on someone? - of course.

Have you ever seriously considered killing someone? - say hello to that one extreme delusion I had once that nothing was real and the only way to tell would be to see how bad I could do.

Have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you? - I know I have.

Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplained? - no and it fucking sucks man I just want to meet a goddamn cool ghost or bigfoot or something

#long post #personal post #don't reblog #like if you read

0 notes