#wowee look at me go

[specialgrades]

More brainrot

Sampo makes the most OBSCENE and exaggerated slurping noises when sucking dick/balls and eating ass/pussy. goes at it like a man starved fr

Gepard just loses any inhibitions he may have- it's not his fault you taste so good! also real sloppy but that's just because he's lost in the sauce and about to cum in his trousers just from fucking you with his tongue/mouth. please squish his face with your thighs he really likes it :)

Jing Yuan's a lil shit. i know it in my heart. he's teasing you with his tongue, stickin it in juuuuust a lil or flicking it against your slit

Welt fr eats you out like he's tryin to shove his whole face like bro is going fucking ham (i am obsessed with the idea of a super mature and composed guy just going apeshit in the sack). sucks dick like a champ I just know it.

Blade bites. that's it. no matter what he's got his mouth on, he's bitin.

Luocha is an absolute sweetheart about it. idk he just seems like his soft demeanor would carry over to sex yk.

oooouuuuggggghhh yeha... thonkin' for sure

sampo gives me such luis energy idk what it is maybe it's the humour. i don't know. but yes, he's so fuckin' noisy! slurping and gagging, moaning and groaning the whole time. he thanks you for the meal afterwards too, moaning as he licks up any mess.

gepard does cum just from giving oral. he moans and whimpers against you as his hips stutter. don't make fun of him, he'll just blush so prettily if you do :( his entire brain short circuits if you tell him how hot it is that giving head got him to cum untouched

jing yuan my beloved... such a fuckin' tease. such a serious general in public, but he loves to make you beg for him. "use your words," he tells you, staring up at you innocently as if he hasn't been edging you for the past forty-five minutes. make sure to remember all of this though, he wants you to retaliate for his teasing.

all of welt's composure is lost when he's between your legs. he eats / sucks like a man starved. he's mumbling, you can't understand it but he is praising your taste the whole time

blade is such a masochist change my mind. he doesn't bite down enough to break skin, just dragging his teeth along your skin enough for you to hiss. when he's got a cock in his mouth, pinch his nose. the head rush makes his eyes roll back <3

luocha borders on straight up worship i think. he loves to make you feel good, such a service top for real. he'll let you fuck his face with great pleasure. like gepard, he almost gets off untouched just by helping you feel good

#💌 ; asks. #honkai star rail smut #i need jing yuan carnally. god #he and gepard got me down bad!!! #was i self indulgent with blade? a lil. breath play is so hot #i need to top gepard yesterday ok??? i need #this is LONG wowee look at us go /pos #❤️‍🔥 ; fwends : teyvat-writer.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

I was just curious cause me and my friend like to look and talk about your tumblr a lot, what pronouns do you use? If you dont wanna answer you don't gotta!! I just wanna make sure im not using the wrong pronouns on you when talking about you

they/them! but i will accept other options if its Funny or For The Bit or to Piss People Off

#glad to hear you're presumably Enjoying the blog! enough to talk about it! wowee! #it always throws me whenever someone reminds me that i exist outside of my own perception #damn. huh. being alive is wild #rambles from the bog #i love they/them pronouns theyre so neat #its like... No Thank You lmao #ya look at gender and go nahhhhhh im good #so so neat. radical. tubular. Splendiferous! #fuck i want rotisserie chicken #sorry Sorry im just watching merlin rn (again) and the chicken on those serving platters... ough

[beatlesforsale]

💫Nothing like being cozy with a book at midnight.💫

#i look so cute in this wowee thats me?! #no way haha #:3 #me #shameless selfie #selfie #books #girl #cute #egirl #idk lmao im going back to my book

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

The moment when you, an aroace, have a crisis over your own OC

#knox ramble #SHE'S TOO PRETTY?????????? HELP???? I CANT LOOK AT THE SKETCH #PRETTY WOMAN I CANT MAKE EYE CONTACT #?????????????????? #WHAT IS THIS I DEMAND COMPENSATION FOR THIS #SHE'S LITERIALLY ONE OF THE ANTAGONISTS FOR MY MONKIE KID OC HOW DID THIS HAPPENBFFHHFHDHSHDHDGF #I WANT TO DRAW HER MORE BUT I KEEP GETTING???? FLUSTERED????? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS????? #this is fine give me two days and the crisis will pass #WOWEE #if y'all are wondering what ive been doing lately ive pretty much just been working on this monkey oc who this uh real pretty lady is an #antagonist for #only thing is i forgot to insert him into the main storyline of lmk and now hed basically his own thing helpfjgdhdhf SAVE ME FOLKS #okay anyway im gonna eat poutine and read a comic until my crisis goes away hope y'all's evening is going well o7

[cerealbishh]

"You're trying to impress the new probie?"

"Are you jealous?"

"Yeah."

"You shouldn't be."

"Yeah, but, you know, he's free and... I'm not."

"But you will be. In a year."

#cbs fire country #fire country spoilers #fire country 01x12 #gabriela perez #bode donovan #bode leone #gabriela x bode #i am SO glad that they didn't make us wait until next season for a kiss #i love that she said that they had to take some time and work on themselves before actually being together #and i'm glad she told him to better himself for himself #also her getting flustered and breathless after both kisses? wowee #and him smiling and laughing to himself? #the way they were avoiding eye contact after the first kiss so they could stop themselves from going any further #bitch as soon as they looked each other in the eye their makeout was heavier??? #i wanted her to touch his face last episode and i got it this episode??? oh my i'm winning #i love how she teased him about being jealous about collin but once he answered honestly she reassured him that he doesn't need to worry #his smile as she ran her fingers through his hair and touched his cheek? i'm done i'm weak #also i was expecting him to go 'maybe a little' when she asked him if he was jealous but the fact that he straight up said 'yes'? #that threw me off but in a good way? it was kinda refreshing #also him holding her hand before she left? #bitch game over for me #him saying 'he's free and i'm not' reminds me of what rebecca said about him and gabriela #tw: fire #otp: i will if you do

[kirafanxx69420]

hello All i would like to ask where the Hypnosis Microphone people gather because i have had zero luck in finding a good comrade or two or five or ten anywhere (meaning here or discord)

my friends are tired of suspecting i am going insane from the cryptic shit i say when i talk about hypmic bc they arent fans, bless their good souls but i have pitied them enough

i am seeking a way to release them from this fate- meaning acquiring people with similar knowledge (hypmic)

sorry and thank you all for the trouble

speaking from the bottom of my heart, god just direct me to the right places stop fucking hiding!!!!! lets talk!!!!!!

#hypmic #hypnosis mic #the desperation levels are high today #i joined hypmic very recently and it just looks not active to me idk #also im here to report your ao3 content sucks (in general sorry the fics dont bang and theres so much proship) #it was so jarring #im complaining rn i will btich abt it all day any day #oh yeah this post can also apply for twst fans #lets go twst fans!!! u guys have great ao3 content!! #like! wowee!!!

[goodmorningnona]

hello fellow girls still playing animal crossing: new leaf

#honestly it's the best ac game #i really didnt think we'd get another bc this was just Tops #controversial but i really dont like acnh that much.. i like it bc it's ac but it's missing so much life #except in the sound design wowee!! i hate the soundtrack with a fiery passion but those footsteps and wind go HARD #i also think crafting and things breaking etc.. save it for minecraft. #ANYWAY #i started a new nl save and im so full of joy and wonder #i forgot how good this game is but my hands never forgot how to play 🥹🥹 #final ac thought as excited as i was that ac got popular bc i spent my childhood w no friends to play online w the amt of people i see #misunderstand game mechanics and not even look to Ye Olde Forums to figure them out makes me wanna gatekeep SO BAD #“i rebuilt every villager's house in my own to calculate their hha score” did you know you can actually calculate it yourself and that #people on forums have already calculated the feng shui point plus the individual point values of each item already #please.. please . #animal crossing #acnl #lessons of the hand and the mouth #WAIT ONE MORE THING. acnh has incredible lightning. ok thank you

[nootdraws]

Spent the last like 4 days grinding out that Fred and Tubbo art so now it’s time to return to my isolation while I catch up on the 4 days of prompts I didn’t do.

#not art #text #dies on the spot I suppose #this will help with me getting better at anatomy though #so after this I should find it easier to complete my badkids art :) #January 2024 is gonna be big. fh:jy and TMA protocol? wowee! #maybe jrwi fanart coming soon? idk #I also have multiple dsmp comics drafted that I sorta want to finish #but like I don’t care abt the dsmp that much #and I don’t want to attract fans of a series that I won’t consider making further work for #might make a sideblog for those comics if I go thru w it. #still looking for qsmp characters that match my poems so I can do comics for that #which cubito fits the brief…

[emsvcnitys]

stats (tba) | bio | pinterest

#wowee look at me go !

[hypewinter]

Hal bent down as the little girl approached him. Even then, he still managed to tower over her with how small she was.

"Hey there little lady," he said. "Anything I can help you with this fine evening?"

The little girl looked at him anxiously, fiddling with her hands. Ok so not a nervous fan. Hal immediately switched to serious mode, scanning the crowd for anyone who could be her parents. He didn't see anyone running up to the two of them or even so much as keeping a watchful eye from a distance.

"Is something the matter?" Hal questioned, making sure to keep his voice even and calm.

The girl continued fidgeting, her big blue eyes scanning from side to side. Finally she spoke. "You wiff da space po-eece yes? Not da am-ear-ree-ca one?"

Hal smiled at the girl. "Yes, I'm with the space police." Honestly that was oversimplifying the Corps a little but he had long since gotten to citizens calling him a space cop.

The girl offered up a small nervous smile of her own. "So you won't tell da gov-ment what I tell you wight?"

Hal was on high alert now. Just what was this little girl trying to tell him? "I won't tell. I promise," he said after a second.

The girl broke into a big smile at this. "Really? Dis way den." She started tugging Hal along and he began to follow.

"Where exactly are we going?" he asked.

"You see," was all she replied.

Hal was led down a couple different alleyways and was beginning to think he was walking into a trap when they reached an abandoned building. The girl dashed in and up the old rusted stairs, with Hal following closely behind her.

If this really is a trap, I'll never hear the end of it from Batman, he thought morbidly as he cleared the last step. Instead of finding himself facing an ambush however, he saw a boy curled up on an old mattress. The girl was already by his side as Hal approached.

"Don wowee Danny, I got help. Like I said I would," he caught the little girl whispering as he knelt down next to the boy. He had to have been older than the girl. Three years older maybe? Yet he was still so small. Hal took sight of his condition. He was in pain. That much was certain by his little face scrunched up in agony and his quiet moans. He was also sweating profusely. His raven black hair sticking to his forehead. Fever maybe?

Hal continued his observations as he scanned down the boy's body until he got to his stomach. The boy was clutching it and Hal could make out blood bleeding through from underneath. Oh no.

He quickly yet carefully removed the boy's arm to get a better look at the wound. The kid let out a groan as his arm was peeled away. Hal couldn't help but thank Oa for all his training that helped prevent him from letting out a gasp.

The boy's chest was covered in blood. Dark red mixed with flecks of green soaked through his shirt and there were bandages that had been amateurishly tied around the wound.

"How did this happen?" Hal asked, turning back to the girl. He did his best to keep his tone as gentle as possible.

Her smile was gone now, and her eyes welled up with tears. "He pwotected me," she said. "Dey wanted to huwrt us. Dey shot at us. Danny pwotected me."

Anger boiled within Hal. Who would shoot at these children? They were only little kids. If what the girl had said earlier was anything to go off of, the answer had something to do with the government. He would have to take care of that later though. For now, this boy needed medical attention.

"Let's get Danny to a hospital," Hal said resolutely, as he got up.

"No!" the little girl screeched. "No has-pee-tail. Too dan-er-us!"

"But he needs-" Hal started but then he met the girl's eyes. There was abject fear in them. As if going to the hospital would be a death sentence for both children. Where else were they supposed to go though? The boy- Danny needed medical attention stat. That much was certain.

Hal paused. There was one place. He sighed. Batman was going to kill him for this.

"Okay okay. No hospital. But what about space?"

"Space?" the girl repeated.

Hal nodded.

The little girl smiled. "Danny lobes space!"

"Well then. That's perfect."

Hal constructed a new bed for the boy, carefully easing him onto it before putting a protective dome around both children. The little girl giggled as he lifted them up. He then turned to the wall where he created a giant hammer to knock it down. Then they were off. Flying higher and higher, towards the atmosphere. As the Watchtower got closer in sight, Hal couldn't help but groan. Taking civilians to the Watchtower? Oh yeah, Batman was definitely going to kill him.

#dp x dc #dc x dp #dcxdp #dpxdc #winter's tales #sorry if the baby speech is annoying #really wanted to emphasize that ellie is just a tiny tot is all #side note it was strange writing “thank oa” #because on one hand it's pretty much the equivalent of saying “thank earth” #but on the other hand i felt like a natural thing for him to say? #*it #though i guess there are some people who say “thank gaia” #which is just another name for earth #but that's probably in reference to the actual greek personification so.... #idk #anyways i'm getting off into a random tangent #feel free to ignore this

[sideblogforcrimpy-plus]

Corrected someone higher up at work, they were firm on their (wrong) stance, then they contacted ME to fix their fuck up after someone above them told them they were wrong and for the life of me I cannot figure out why they're getting paid almost twice as much as me if they're like this

#i am #going to screech like an animal #and then wish to become a squonk #or perhaps a bog witch creature #minimal wage with maximum expectation is going to have me feral before my 30s and then I have to keep at it until I retire? #feeling caged animal rage??? #WOWEE what a thing to look forward to <3333 #gonna write g o.tch if it KILLS me soon (I really want to) #write them I mean #fckd the typing of it so this rant doesn't sully their tag #if you've read this far pls feel free to do something small and silly #like send a little frog emoji yo my inbox #if you do I will send a poorly drawn Creature to you idk

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Wait are writing a fic for your au cause im like down to clown with that?

ehhhhhh not really, unless by some miracle genuine writing motivation/inspiration hits, which is about as rare as a lightning strike these days!

sometimes i jot down scenes or conversations & post unedited snippets, but i haven't written a full fic or oneshot in.... since February! but hey! chances are low but never zero

#HAS IT REALLY BEEN AROUND 7 MONTHS??? DAMN TIME FLIES. IT ROCKETS. IT ZOOMS AT LIGHTSPEED #like there's stuff i Want to write #like the decapitation fic & the laughingstock fic & stuff for aus..... #but geez. man. Fuck.... #my writing skills have atrophied and so has my Brain! #though i am going to be proceeding to the final stage of my Big Move next month so.... #maybe once all this bullshit is over ill be in a space where i Can write #(and also respond to my friends which is killing me inside but this aint about that) #bc i am down to clown as well! but the clown in me is actually a jester. and that jester is jingling miserably across the floor #rambles from the bog #the tension between me & writing/editing a full fic is thick enough to cut with a knife #but yeah i had it good for a couple years there! #i was writing at Least a fic a month! my ao3 has 53 works of batman fanfiction (in varying degrees of quality) wowee! #*loosely batman. mostly his kids. w/ some yj or supers sprinkled in for Flavor... #but Anyway i would looooove to spice things up #And Post Puppet Fic. maybe some moomin.... #or even original works! or flight rising! idk! i wanna expand my inventory! #once again guiltily looking at all of my dc wips. sigh

[bryce-bucher]

.50 Caliber 3D Platformer Post #8

More Environment Art? Crazy... :

I have been doing even more environment art wowee. The first level is almost mostly kinda p much done now, so that's cool. Environment art takes so fuckin long and it gets p tedious. P dang satisfying to see it come together though. Rather than going over what I did in the last post, I'll talk a bit about how I sourced a couple of textures from tha real world around me instead of textures.com on the online internet.

Here is a photo of a dasani soda machine and a whatever you call it on the side of a donut shop. I brought these bad boys into affinity photo and crunched um up. The soda machine obviously took a bit more work because I had to replace the branding with my own. I've made a few soda machines for games (which I always get excited about texturing), so this wasn't my first rodeo.

I took this cool image I generated with jwildfire and slapped it onto the soda machine to create the background. From there I just slapped some text on it and this is how it came out:

Usually the soda machines I make have a y2k aqua type vibe to them, but I wanted to try something different with this one and ended up with this sort of bright bubblegummy vibe that I really like. It stands out a lot in the drab factory environment and hurts your eyes as any good advertisement should. This drink brand machine is a brief horrible nightmare respite for the overworked factory employees.

ORBO:

I put that little fucker orbo in my game. Ty 2 johnny for letting me do so. As I said in the last post, I'll be periodically making new skins for the main character and showing them off here. Making orbo was kinda challenging. Johnny was in call with me while I did it and we both kinda laughed at how hard it was to get his head not to look stupid. He is what you might call a deceptively difficult character to replicate. Also I made him shiny. He looks like a rare variant toy or something. Love him <3. Orbo is gonna be staring in his own 3D platformer soon (Orbo's Odyssey), so keep your eyes peeled 4 that.

Conclusion:

If this post reads weirder than the others it is because I am tired af. I'm doing a few commissions rn so work on this game might be slow the next few days. I hope to get a lil trailer made soon, so maybe I'll talk about that if/when it is completed. Ty 4 stopping by.

#screenshotsaturday #indiegamedev #gamedev #indiedev #game development #indiegames #lowpoly #y2k #y2k aesthetic #3d platformer #3dplatformer #sniper rifle #50 caliber 3d platformer #50 cal

[differenteagletragedy]

omg I’m so glad I found your blog the hcs are so good and the angst is even better!

I was wondering what do we think cove would be like with a possessive mc 🫣 not like they don’t trust cove (they know he only has eyes for them) but they don’t like people even thinking they have a chance so they always have a hand on or stand close to cove in public and openly glare at people who try to flirt with him

Thank you so much!!! <3

-- Let's be real, Cove would love a possessive MC like this lol

-- Like full trust but also shutting down any advances from someone else. It shows you care!

-- And I don't mean this is like a weird unhealthy way, to be clear, because that's not at all how I read this either. He would just think it's very nice that you want everyone to know that he's yours and you're his.

-- He's clingy, so if you're clingy too then wowee, how fun and cozy and perfect for him!

-- I feel like he's the kind of person who's not going to understand if people flirt with him in a more subtle way. So if you're there to watch out for him, then he's going to really appreciate it, because he doesn't want other people flirting with him at all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You and Cove sat together on the beach, sharing a blanket and just enjoying the afternoon. You were back in the old neighborhood, having lived on your own for a few years, and you'd decided to spend some time at one of your favorite old haunts.

As you were talking, trying to figure out if you wanted to go for another swim or just stay put, a group of people started down the path to the beach. This particular area was usually deserted except for residents of the neighborhood, so it was a little surprising to see.

"Hey!" one girl called out when she saw you both looking over. You gave a polite wave, and Cove managed a "Hi."

The group set up their own space on the beach a bit further down from the two of you, but the girl who had greeted you kept glancing over. Cove was on the side of your blanket closest to them, and you saw her eyes roam his mostly bare body.

Instinctively, you reached out for his hand, intertwining your fingers and letting your hands rest on his thigh. He looked at you and grinned, understanding what was happening, and gave you a squeeze.

"She won't stop," you muttered to him, keeping an eye on the girl. "It's like she's shameless."

It was true -- the girl seemed to have certainly been trying to get Cove's attention. She would laugh loudly and look over to see if he'd heard her. She even stepped a little closer to you and slowly took off her cover up, revealing her swimsuit. When she was done, she looked back to see if Cove noticed.

He had not.

"Don't worry about it," he told you brightly. "Who cares what she's doing? I'm here with you, I'll always be here with you."

You smiled at the sweet sentiment, but still told him, "I care. It's disrespectful. We're obviously here together."

Cove looked back over, and accidentally met the girl's eyes. She gave him a grin, then started confidently walking over.

"Can you believe --" you began, about to get even more upset at the stranger's nerve, but your words were cut off when Cove suddenly placed his hand on the back of your head and pulled you in for a deep kiss.

By the time he was done, you weren't thinking about anyone else but him. He stayed close, pressing his forehead against yours, and his fingers were playing with the hair on the nape of your neck.

"What was that for?" you asked.

"Remember? I choose you and you choose me."

#our life beginnings and always #our life #cove holden #our life cove #cove x reader #cove x mc #cove x you #i will never miss an opportunity to use the i choose you line

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.82 Birds of a feather

Mama came out of the party room, smiling warmly at us. She had probably been running around the restaurant all evening, being extra and making sure everything was in order for us. As always, she was dressed to the nines and looking amazing.

"You're not supposed to arrive early at your own celebration," she said.

"And let you take care of all of this by yourself? Nonsense," Sophia said.

I nodded in agreement.

"What she said."

Mama shook her head lovingly at us.

"You two are too cute. Your guests should start arriving soon. Get a drink. Enjoy yourselves. Don't do anything else!"

She scurried off to make sure the fountains had drink and all the heat lamps were working. I wasn't sure why I didn't consider it might snow when I suggested a patio party in the dead of winter. Guess I've officially lived in Oasis Springs too long.

I drew my attention back to my gorgeous fiancée, who was beaming at me. I got to spend the rest of my life with her. How did I get so lucky?

"Let's dance," she said.

I knew there was music playing somewhere, but I could barely hear it.

"Here? Right now?"

"Yeah! Why not?"

I shrugged and cradled the small of her back. If my lady wanted to dance, we dance. We swayed back and forth, and she grinned at me the entire time. I knew she was eager to get married, but I think that was the first time I could clearly see her brimming with excitement. The curtain of snow behind us was the perfect backdrop for the short-lived romantic moment.

"You guys started without us," Dub said.

We broke away from each other, semi-embarrassed.

"I was just about to do my special move," I said.

Sophia's head jerked back in disbelief.

"You have special moves now? This I have to see! Can you guys come back later?"

We all shared a laugh.

"So you're Sophia," Dub said. "It's great to meet the woman this guy won't shut up about."

"Oh, you mean like you can't shut up about Maia?"

"Yeah...you're right."

"It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Luca," Maia said. "He talks about you a lot too."

Maia was absolutely stunning. Her eyes... They drew you in, and it was clear why Dub was so twisted up when we met. But it wasn't just her beauty. She was poised and had a comforting vibe. I could tell she was a quiet force to reckon with, and I was so glad they were finally together. Maybe one day soon Sophia and I would be dancing at their wedding.

"The pleasure is all mine," I said.

My friend Justin slipped into the middle of the group. I hadn't seen him since we ran into each at the romance festival, but we communicated a few times a week on Social Bunny. We didn't connect on a deep level, but I enjoyed chatting with him and didn't hesitate to extend an invitation.

"Excuse me," he said. "Sorry to interrupt. I probably can't stay the whole time, so I just wanted to come congratulate you before it gets too crazy."

"Thanks, Justin. I appreciate that. And thanks for coming!"

"No doubt. No doubt. I'll get out your way and let you finish."

He could have stayed and got to know Dub, Maia, and Sophia, but he left just as quickly as he arrived. I guess it would have been a bit weird to stick around, especially when he interrupted us. Sophia seized the opportunity to chat with Maia.

"I love your dress," she said.

"Oh, thank you. I love yours too."

Dub and I watched as our ladies felt each other out. I didn't doubt he was as happy as I was that they seemed to like each other.

"You wanna grab a drink with me?" Sophia asked. "We can leave our boys to bask in their bromance, or whatever."

Maia laughed.

"Sure, let's go."

But before they could leave, Chi Chi sashayed her way into the conversation, looking as fine as ever. Why was literally EVERY woman in my life insanely attractive?? All of them! Was it normal to have so many good-looking friends?

"You must be Sophia," she said. "Wowee! I see why this guy dropped everything and ran to Oasis Springs. You are breathtaking!"

Sophia's cheeks reddened, and she flashed a nervous smile.

"Uhh...thanks."

"I'm Chi Chi, by the way. I'm very happy to finally meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," Sophia said.

When Chi Chi finally took her eyes off Sophia and noticed Dub and Maia, her entire demeanor changed.

"And who is this?" she asked, looking at Maia. "Are you two together? Because if you're not, I think I just might try girls next!"

Dub's eyebrow went up, but Maia maintained her smile, though it seemed forced. Luckily, Maira hopped in and saved us from the awkwardness.

"Congratulations, my friiiiieeeeennnnnd!"

"Thanks, Maira. Come join us. Let's all sit over there."

I brought the party over to the sofas so we could chill and chat more comfortably.

Dub and Maia by @mysimsloveaffair

#ISBI challenge #sims 4 story #sims 4 gameplay #adolting #adolting gen 3 #luca winston murillo #sophia aguilar #wade banks #maia tilley #xochitl luna #maira watson #justin walker #emerald pope #banks collab

[cerastes]

Look, man, I’m sorry, Shalem is just a mobius strip of comedy to me, the guy was putting SO much effort to not having a backstory and just being Bob from accounting that the comedy part of Crimson Solitaire’s tragicomedy is definitely Shalami.

My man was SO dedicated to the bit of being Just Some Dude that he even mastered the art of being Vanilla Flan: Nice, pleasant, but unremarkable. Everyone that knew him in Rhodes Island had nothing but praise for the guy, a helpful guy with deep Arts knowledge and logistics know-how to pretty much help you out with anything, a real Bob The Builder sort, a walking GameFAQs, the wiki to anything you needed sorted. Dude was just logistics personnel, not even a fighter, he helped the pre-mission prep, made sure everyone had their toolkits and sandwiches and mission objectives and off they went! A truly normal ass man!

The funniest part to me is that he was so dedicated to the bit of being normal that he didn’t even want to appear in the game: In Phantom’s Record some time ago, Mint is snooping around books with info that inevitably leads to knowledge of Gaul, a bit of Phantom’s past, and the Crimson Troupe. Then, she talks to an unnamed, unshown, unseen, unremarkable, explicitly Phidia Operator that very cordially and very kindly, in words far less thorny, told her “better back that ass up before you get it eaten” because she was reading up on some stuff you REALLY don’t want certain people knowing you know. This is one of those things that it’s better if you don’t know what it did. And Mint was like “Oh, alright, cool” but still wanted to know what it did.

Then Phantom goes full Drakengard and he gets the mission on his terminal that says “hey, Phantom went full Drakengard, you gotta find him”.

Now, MIND YOU, Shalami Pastrami here was also from the Troupe, this much you obviously know. He was no Blood Diamond, but he still was a true and tried performer of the Troupe that had what it took to walk the walk and talk the talk, the thing IS, however, that he very much did NOT want to walk the walk, so when he got told “hey man okay so your Performance, haha, today is to turbo murder this person”, Shalem walked 98% of that walk, had his target bound and ready to slaughter, and at the end, at that pivotal 2%, he said “THIS IS NOT FINE” and instead unbound the person, gave them the knife, and fffffucked right the hell off into the barrens where he was pursued by ex-coworkers who didn’t quite like what he did, but Shalem shows us that even if life comes at you fast, you can actually outrun it if you aren’t bitchmade, so Shalem outrunned his backstory to the surprise of I think everyone involved in the situations, the narrative included.

And also ALSO MIND YOU x2, one day he was happily doing logistic works and flipping switches and coordinating stuff for a mission when, suddenly, his not-at-all-keen normal regular dude eyes spot, over yonder, a wonder: Lucian the Blood Fucking Diamond himself, looking RIGHT at him. Understandably, Shalem pissed and shitted himself mentally, turned 360 degrees, and moonran the absolute twice-cooked fuck out of there, splitting off from the team and just sort of going AWOL. He was like that one black cat from old Looney Toons that keeps trying to outrun Pepe Le Pew:

No matter how far he ran, how many times he changed clothes, how matter how many times he hid, Lucian was there. Shalem would be like “I’ll hide under in this trash bin”, and he’d open it and Lucian would be there with an empty sardine tin on his head, Shalem would run away at normal guy velocity and hide in a bathroom stall, but then he’d turn around and Lucian was there like “hey man, can a guy have some space?”, it was a whole ass no joke all whistles and bells episode of Pepe Le Pew right up until Shalem finally arrived at Rhodes Island and thought himself “oh whew wowee, that sure was scary!” and then the HR guy was like “Oh, hey, Shalem! Good to see you are still normal! You’re just in time to say hi to your new coworker!”

AND GUESS WHO THE COWORKER IS

THAT’S RIGHT

PEPE LE FUCKING PEW

EXCEPT HIS CODENAME IS PHANTOM NOW

After recovering from being sent through six reinforced walls DBZ Broly punch style by how on the nose Lucian’s codename was, Shalem made like a shy kid when their parents have guests over and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BLOCKADED HIMSELF in his room. Ain’t NO one that can get this guy outta there now, not even a squad of six E2 Folinics could’ve gotten this guy out of his room, nope, no way, Pepe is out there.

So with all this context in mind, imagine you are this dude that has managed to outrun his backstory like three times now, very harshly learning the very important lesson that Backstory is more of a persistence predator than a sprinter, seeing his personal terminal unironically and without an ounce of fucking irony and also completely bereft of any gram of irony bleeping like BEEP BEEP YOU GOTTA SAVE PHANTOM LE PEW.

And it is at this point, at THIS POINT ONLY, it took his Backstory trying this fucking hard, for Shalem to say “FINE”, have a portrait, become playable, look at his Backstory straight in the eye, yell “BLOCK THIS OVERHEAD” and, for the first time in his life, run at his Backstory.

And that’s why we have Crimson Solitaire: Because a guy who only wanted to be normal was denied his most fervent wish despite his very fast legs, and so his only recourse was to, at least temporarily, embrace the fact that his special move is, in fact, to set himself on fire and kill absolutely everyone else in the room and then himself, which ranks pretty low on the Normal scale and that’s why he doesn’t use it too much, but this whole Troupe and Lucian business really fucking tried him and he’s well out of Adderall to compensate.

#arknights #shalem #phantom #crimson solitaire