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mysecretgardenofflowers · 6 years

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September 28th Breakdown

This is a Twitter threat that I want to post in this blog. It took place on september 28th.

“As some people know, twitter used to be more like my personal diary, but that is because I grow up with this and with anything else, I mean, back then I felt like I has no one who I could trust. Similar of what I'm feeling right know, but this isn't something to feel sorry about”

“ I mean, if you know me and you read this, don't feel sorry for me, it's ok, this is how I'm feeling right now. And I need to express somehow how I'm feeling and what is happening not to everyone who knows me to feel like they have to approach to me and say something”

“ Instead of that I just want to write here in the same old way I did it when I was younger.”

“ I'm feeling the need of just talk about what I feel and what is happening what are my thoughts about, so I guess that here we go. If you are reading this I really appreciate this. I think this is going to be a long thread.”

“ So, first of all, the reason I'm writting this in english is because; I want to, and because I've always fantasized with a different me. I've pictured myself, in my mind, as someone who is very lovely and charismatic, so likeable, I know I'm not, but I've always pictured myself”...

... “as someone else. Someone perfect, pretty, with a lot of friends and a lot of love in my life. I know there have always been people who loved me, and people who were truly my friends, but by now I've been trough a lot that I have this thoughts in my head that don't allow me”...

... “to believe in what people say and I'm always wondering if they really mean every single nice thing that they say to me. Today I was talking to a friend, telling him how overwhelmed I'm feeling and he make a paused and I thought he was going to tell me that he was tired”...

... “of hear me say every single bad thing that I'm going trough, I thought that he was going to say that he didn't care about, and he was sick of it. At the end, he was not, he was about to tell me that he liked a girl. But I panicked, and I started to cry because” ...

... “I remembered how many times I've been said that they don't care about my problems, they weren't important at all.”

“ But going back to the point. I'm always fantasizing about what everyone thinks about me, how I look, how I behave, everything. And I always pictured myself as this really cool girl who speaks in english just as the girls on tv, the pretty ones, the ones who everyone loved.”

“ And I also thought that If I talked that way no one ever would be able to understand me there, was a kind of "secret" lenguage which will allow me to communicate and express myself in a free way. I felt like I could say anything because they won't understand.”

“ As time passed by, I realized that wasn't like that. But this lenguage always have been something to me.”

“ After that introduction, I just want to talk about this feeling of being overwhelmed by everything, and I mean it. I feel so overwhelmed because I found myself being so alone and feeling so lonely, and I know I have some friends a few, but at the end of the day I'm alone.”

“ I feel that I have no one to relay on. I reached the point of looking for friends of the internet, in a game. And I love them but it just feel empty, they can be gone anytime. And I don't really know them. I haven't seen them in real life, I don't know how they really look like.”

“ Don't misunderstand me, I really appreciate them for being there for me, but when I want to go out or do something fun with friends I just can't because they are so far away from me.”

“ And this is very confusing to me, because most of the time I don't feel like talking to the people who is around me. I'm just a mess, I feel so socialy anxious. In my mind everyone I know have a opinion about me, a really bad opinion about me. I know I fucked up before” ...

...“ but it feels like I can't forgive myself of what I did and of what everyone had to say about that. It sucks because what people said wasn't my fault but here I'm complaining and blaming myself about that. How crazy is that?”

“ I don't really know if people thinks what I think they think but I can't stop thinking about it and It makes me so anxious. I'm so fucking scared of messing up everything one more time. I'm really trying but I'm also so scared.”

“ I don't know what it's going to happen. I feel like no one trust me anymore, no one believes in me and in my "talent". I don't see myself as a talented person, maybe a capable one but I don't know if I can say that I'm talented.”

“ I'm really scared because of that, because (I haven't said this out loud) I don't know if people it's going to take me seriously. I don't know if they are expecting me to fail (what I'm sure they are) but I don't know if they don't even respect me because of that.”

“ Because I can't show confidence and I doubt a fucking lot. I know that it's a problem, but I'm really trying, it's just that I found myself doing it alone and it feels like no one believe in me more that me and I'm not really sure that I'm going to do it well.”

“ It's a lot to handle to be honest.”

“ Now, I watch everyone being so successful and I look at myself and I feel like I've acomplished nothing. I mean, isn't their fault that I spend so much time being anxious and doing nothing about it (It's stupid but it's true) but it hurts the most when you see people asking you” ...

... “ in order to making feel you down. That's so fucked up and happened to me yesterday. A """friend""" of mine asked me "what are you into?" bitch, I'm into being fucking anxious and overwhelmed the whole time, I'm doing nothing more than feeling bad for myself, that's the true” ...

... “ but what you want? you want me to tell you that I've done anything for my profesional life? that's what you want? you know that and you want to hear it anyway, why? I don't want to see on you that fucking "I'm better than you" face. I know for fact that his intentions wasn't good”

“ And wait, there is more. Later on he aproaches and he said "would you buy me a hamburger?" and I'm like what the actual fuck? Why would I buy you a hamburger? I answed him "No" but I saw in his face that he did it bc he wanted me to feel bad. I know his intentions weren't good.”

“ I'm sick of that kind of people. So sick. I realized that I can't trust people, they are mean, they only care about themselves. I know that as humans we are all selfish but if you say that you are my friend and then you act that you don't give a shit about me. Bitch please.”

“ I'm angry, more than depressed I feel so angry. Everything makes me upset. And that it's only on my social life. If we talk about my personal life it's not going to be better.”

“ First of all, I like a guy who is milles away from me, he is in another country, I can't help that feeling, I really like him eventhou he it's not worth it for so many reasons. But that's not the main thing, sometimes I feel like I want a boyfriend then I remember how awful is” ...

... “ to be inlove so I forgot. Sometimes I fantasized with everyone wanting so bad to be with me. I know that it will never ever is going to happen but I think about it anyway. I dreamed with boys thinking I worth enough to go on a date and to get to know me and give me gift and stuff” ...

... “ But It never happens. I wish someday someone shows up with flowers and chocolates saying I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and that I deserve everything. But that never happens, I always fall in love with the guy who treated me the worst. It's so frustating”

“ Because it's like I didn't think that I was good enough to deserve someone that good, someone who treats me like a queen.”

“ I don't know if I don't love me enough to think that I deserve the best. I need to stop acepting that kind of shitty love.”

“ Anyway. I think I'm so bad at keeping frienships and relationships. It almost feels like I'm good at fucking everything up. May be that's why I ended up being this lonely. I don't know, maybe I deserve all of what it's happening but I don't know why, I feel like I've been hurt” ...

... “ a lot, the whole time. I don't know how I'm going to get trough this. Seriously. I can't picture myself in a future. The only thing I can see myself doing is being with this handsome and lovely husband, giving me everything I want, being perfect to him and he being perfect to me”

“ I know I'm idealizing something that it might never happen. But I wish it so bad. I want to be happy so bad, that's the only thing I can see myself being, but I really don't know how I'm going to do that, how I'm going to reach that. I don't feel like I'm the kind of woman” ...

... “ That a man like that would like.”

“ Life is really hard. I can't figure out so many things. I can't even figure out myself. I don't know how to handle what is happening. I don't want to be home, I don't want to be at college, I don't want to be anywhere. I feel locked in this anxiety the whole time.”

“ I don't know how can I be in peace.”

“ My family is falling apart. My mom is willing to leave and I can't stop her I understand her reasons and if she decides to do it I will support her, but It's going to be so hard for me and for my brother and my sisters, my dad it's going to be crazy” ...

... “ And I'm afraid that I don't know what would happen, my dad it's just hurtful to my mom all the time and it makes me so sad, like really sad, because sometimes they want us to think that everything it's perfect but I feel like it has always been a lie.”

“I get used to this kind of distant relationship between me and my family but I truly wish that It was never like that. Everything is so broken and everyone wants to act like it's not. I don't know what's next neither for my family or for me.”

“ I'm so locked, because I feel like I need to be strong and to show strong for my brother and my mom and my dad and for my whole family, because when my mom was gone for two months that my dad just freaked out, I tried to be with him but I also had to listen to my mom” ...

... “ And support her and cheer her up a litte bit, but I don't know how, I just don't. If my mom leaves I'm not sure how my dad it's going to react and that scares me a little. I don't know how my brother is going to react. I know it's going to be hard for me because there are going” ...

... “ to be more and more problems. But I know I'm going to be just as sad and overwhelmed as I'm right now. May be I little more. I don't know.”

“ Right know I feel so lost, so lonely, so sad. I don't know where to go, what to do. I'm locked in this prision of fear.”

“ I've always wanted a perfect life, a perfect family, and they were never like that. NEVER. I've always dreamed with a life full of love and friends and success. And here I'm feeling the most lonely I've ever felt. Feeling the failure of my carrier, talentless, worthless.”

“ I'm so broken. So overwhelmed. I try to act like I'm so gorgeous, like the only thing I care is to being beautiful and to get complimets. I don't need compliments, I know I can get them puting a beautiful skirt or a dress. I need to feel like I'm truly beautiful to someone.”

“ No matter how I'm, how I look. Without pointing me every single mistake I make.”

“ Fuck, I've cried these last three nights, because this everything. I'm so overwhelmed.”

“ I just want to get what I dreamed of for the first time in my life. There are so many things that I want so bad and I feel like no matter how hard I try I'm never going to get them. I don't know if someday I'm going to be good enough for something or for someone.”

“ And I give a shit about people saying that being sad it's not the solution. Fuck you all, I'm going to be fucking sad if I want, I'm sick and tired of people underestimating people's problems. I don't care if you feel like your like it's perfect. I'm sad and I want to be sad.”

“ With that being said, I'm glad I'm able to finally express myself in this shit. I have a stone of stuff going on and I really wanted to express that. “

“ I've been seriously thinking about what would happen if I'm gone too soon. I know this is going to sound very sad and empty but at least what I wrote here it's not going to be vanish. And I like to think that some people it's going to remember me somehow.”

“ I guess I can say this is my legacy, so far.”

“ And eventhou it's dark and hard, and sad. It's not as dark and depressing as other things I've done before.”

“ I want you to know that, another reason for doing this was because I didn't to talk about it to someone to tell me something like "Idk what to say" or "It's hard but you'll get trough it" or whatever catchphrase you can fill the blanked with, I just wanted to talk openly”

“ Without feedback. Just me, and whoever reads this in secret.”

“ If you can relate of anything that I said here, let me tell you: I know it sucks, but I have faith that it's going to be over someday, and that we are strong enough to go trough it. I don't know what's exactly happen in you life but I encourage you to talk about it in any way”

“ You don't have to keep your feelings to yourself, you can write it down in a letter, and burn it, idk, sometimes we just need to talk, we don't always need advice.”

“ I don't know what else to say, so I guess this is the end of this thread. Thank you for reading, if you did, and for being with me in this rollercoaster of emotions this night. Good night.”

“The end.”

#witheringflowers

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