#wish I could just get over myself

[baby-prophet]

not me crying over writing an email to an old professor bc I’m embarrassed :(

#like maybe I shouldn’t ask her to write me a letter of recommendation #especially after what happened #but she was one of the only professors I like connected with #but I let her down :( #wish I could just get over myself #norm.allie #it’s also bringing up old emotions that’s adding fuel to the crying fire

[puppyeared]

people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime

#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head #around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working #as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of #how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol #i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were #pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family #i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by #ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me #or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made #you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm #im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help #wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career #i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades #but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard #yapping

[poisonpercy]

My research methods discussion group makes me feel like a fucking genius holy fucking shit. I have never met people more dumb and unwilling to do work than this assigned group I got stuck with this semester

#we have to do group assignments and turn in one copy #(we have to switch who turns it in each time) #and we all get the same grade which is why i am so furious #the last 2 assignments we have gotten a 70% and a 60% #FOR THE EASIEST FUCKING ASSIGNMENTS #BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO PUT IN THE TIME AND EFFORT #they act like the prof is strict with grading and gives hard assignments #but they are just fucking horrible students #i wish i could take over everything and do the assignments by myself for my own grade #istg they make me insane #skys post

[ittybittybumblebee]

the plunge

#the joker #batman #i feel like i couldve executed the better but whatevs. #smashes bmy fist into conkreet .i wish i could do character dialouge well id b writing so much stuff 2 go with drawings it would b rlly nea #it would b cool #i like to obsess over characters ways of speaking but then i doubt myself on being able 2 replicate the cadence #feel like im clumsy w that #anyway it varies from comic to comic of cours ebut the jokers little quirks and habits of speech r rlly fun 2 read #as other characters of course but theres something specific abt him hes just. mhyeah LMAO anyway #get rid of the tags cant let my normal followers now i think the joker is neat/lh #my art #ittybittydraws

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice #i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever #ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame #gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :< #i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely- #-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things. #i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly' #i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now #months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child. #i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m #but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake. #i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is #i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again #this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life- #will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often #college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye #i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me

[sualne]

sycamore's relationships in kingmaker

#undescribed #my art #ish #kingmaker shenanigans #ive restarted the game many many times but never could go to the end of the prologue because i keep thinking #'i wish i was playing with sycamore instead' because his relationships with the characters were so!! ough!!! #so ive gotten myself a few mods. redesigned. renamed and respecialized some of companions (all of them eventually) and im in the process #of redrawing their portraits. they'll still have the same behaviors and backstory but they should feel & play different enough #EDIT: i just checked. it's been over two years since i finished the game with sycamore im done for. im never getting over this shit

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz #ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and #then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc. #Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific #cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or #etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as #you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on #accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have #as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence #of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate #versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a #neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest #ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling #and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for #documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like #sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I #can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If #I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my #ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ?? #Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be #accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor #focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it #were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan #that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is #some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my #kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means #i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m #in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in #one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability #& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER

[kohakhearts]

theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh

#taylor.txt #im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything #i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation #and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school #like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling #like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk #it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah #tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh #when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :( #anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students #noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh

[jesusbutbetterrr]

.

#i wanna run off and disappear off the face of the earth #i wanna be held and told everything is gonna be ok #i want to leave everyone behind and stay by myself for the rest of time #i wanna to not give my love so freely knowing it can't be returned at least not as eagerly #i want to be able to sleep easily #i want to not turn to sleep as my only way off running away from stuff when i can't just get high #i wish that i could talk about my problems and have them magically disappear right afterwards #i want to be loved back by the person i like the way i love them #i want to not be so naive #i just want a hug for once #i want to not over think everything #i want to be consistently happy for at least a fully day #i want to be able to talk to people everyday and check in and hear about everything they have to say #i want to not cry over everything so easily #i want things to truly go my way for once #i want to not feel guilty for everything

[hermanunworthy]

how many times can i write the same shit (oakworthy) over and over before yall get tired of me

#i wish i could just write about them all day #i think about oakworthy fics to get myself through the day #they are my everything im not getting over them for a WHILE #the fic im working on rn is gonna be SO EVIL. #siren says

[let-me-iiiiiiiin]

Wish I could mute that anonymous russian svsss writer who writes binghe bashing. Why u hitting my baby boy :( he's already traumatised

#the spirit of shen qingqiu is taking over #how can you hate binghe??? like sure fine hate bingqiu #but BINGHE????? #you hate miette's blorbo? you hate eir blorbo like a hater?? #JAIL #MUTE/BLOCK BUTTON JAIL FOR YOU FOR 1000 YEARS #honestly not even writing this hatefully I just wish I could spare myself #the inconvenience of getting pissed off every time I come across one of their works #like ok fine fiction is fiction and dont like dont read exists #but how tf can I mute you if you're ANONYMOUS????? #wish we could mute tags tbh #maybe there's a skin for that

[muzzlemouths]

Muzz!!! Hello I hope you're doing well waa!

I hope you're sleeping also!! squints my eyes at you (affectionate)

KIBS!!!! HELLO KIBBS HI. I'm doing alright thank you for asking!! I hope YOU are doing FANTASTIC!!!!!! don't look at my sleep schedule though. it's fine I promise it's FINE but don't. look at it ok

#hi Kibs not to sound dramatic or anything but um. this ask made me sniffle. a little #i WISH i was joking but that's how things are rn #i have been feeling a little Not Great about my lack of presence over here on this webbed site #because I miss you I miss my friends #and I don't participate in the many many discord group chats i'm in because I am shy and bad at initiating conversation #and i don't participate in magmas because i'm too self conscious for magmas #but that just leaves me in a corner ALONE like a LOSER while everyone else is partying. like that one meme #which is something i could totally fix myself in under a day if i just got myself out there but that has yet to happen #ALL OF THIS TO SAY #I was touched by you reaching out and I'm going to be hugging this ask to my chest for the next few hours. days even #THANK YOU ILU I LOVE MY FRIENDS. I HOPE YOUR DAY/NIGHT IS WONDERFUL AND YOU GET LOTS OF SLEEP

[hxhhasmysoul]

wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.

#vent #for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode #like constantly #from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived #to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week #and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally #not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic #and now someone died in my family #not someone very close but i liked them #and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing #because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter #so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with #because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter.. #i'd just want a week where nothing happens #and like the writing is weighing heavy on me #because i miss it #also i wish i could finish something #i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off #also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit #i bought new furniture #because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly #which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself #just because i was too burnt out to write #and i wanted something nice to happen to me #like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice #and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns #and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken #because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid #yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job #long pathetic whine and overshare over

[jittyjames]

ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.

#i don’t want to feel this way #but i don’t know how to stop it #i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it #it wont leave me alone #i want it to leave me alone #i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think #but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else #i feel so empty and weird and vague #december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction #i’m always on the verge of crying and #i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work #and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting #you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down #ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing #how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head #part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics #idk #just haven’t felt this bad in a while #i just want to get out of my head so bad #i wish i could turn thinking off #sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own #but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that #i don’t mean to vent #i just feel really hopeless and shit rn #anyway #i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning #it wont be tho lol #nothing is ever better #bc the universe and god hate me

[marblerose-rue]

all the bad dreams that you hide / show me yours, i'll show you mine

#my art #do not copy trace or steal #everlark #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #hunger games #the hunger games #thg #im still working on drawing people which adds to my nervousness x_x i wish i could be as confident as i am drawing animals #BUT YEAH IM SO NORMAL ABT THEM. I. #i literally have not gone a single day where i havent talked about them and im literally having to give myself limits on how much i can #read the books bc i literally went out to get a new library card JUST to do that #i literally cant believe when i was a kid i didnt like them as a couple . #i just couldnt appreciate the fake dating trope and i also took it very literally . and i was also like ten #ive had this ready to go but when i say ive had my mouse hovering over the post now button for a while i mean that so sincerely #PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT THE HUNGER GAMES i try not to overwhelm my sister but #i am very aware i am way more into thg than she is and we watched the movies together #ive been sending her literally every single video abt thg thinking she will enjoy it as much as i will and im probably driving her up #a wall AHBKJAHBHDFJGBKJDHBGG but its fine she expects nothing less #i have to get used to posting non cat art non warrior cat art #you can tell im stalling . just a little bit

[ungaroyals]

feeling reminiscent of when I first joined the yr fandom back in August 2021. So much has changed.

#I wish I could go back and tell myself to appreciate it more #don’t get me wrong I love how big and kind the yr fandom has gotten #but there was just something so special and personal in those first 6 months that I don’t think I’ll ever experience again #istg discord was when everything went to shit 💀 #I’m happy it happened because I’ve made so many amazing friends through discord #but I could have done without the one thing that kinda almost ruined yr fandom stuff for me #if you know you know #I wish I could say I’m over it but I still thinking about it frequently enough to not be over it #crazy how one person can ruin such a good thing #anyway #it’s 2:30am and I’m exhausted rambling #delete later