#which represents me these days

[narvaldetierra]

Just a super focus Patty working

#which represents me these days #a draft I had since season 2 rewatch #idk why I haven't posted it before #ashley johnson #patterson #william patterson #blindspot rewatch #blindspot

[7cfc00]

home is where the heart is (and yours is gone)

#happy holidays #dndads #dndads fanart #dungeons and daddies #dndaddies #dndads s1 #glenn close dndads #dndads season 2 #dndads odyssey #dndads glenn close #im so sick and fever rn so forgive me for any mistakes in this drawing or in my following explanation #background is covered in crosses for the bad day book. the chains represent his time in meth bay prison #the three swords are a reference to the three of swords tarot card which means like heartbreak or smth #also can be taken literally because his heart exploded #the swords themselves are modelled after the sword of justice to bring in themes of justice and punishment as well as referencing the trial #i also drew the same sword in the blackjack thing. #bottom left is his funeral pyre (referencing his death) and nick jr (representing his son's “death”) #the door is the door to his apartment its number 48 because ep 48 is carry on my wayward son #christmas decor cus of course hed had them up all year round #the plant is a peace lily representing death and funeral s again #headstone is morgan's the crysanthemum represents her death. this is because its also featured in the “remember death” thing i drew once #also i just associate flowers w the close family because it very easily represents both mortality and love #anyway. fuckin. his heart (loved ones + literal heart) are gone and its like. can he ever return home #idk smth about not being able to go back to the way things were smth about having the comfort of a home anymore. leaving all that shit behi #d. i feel so tired #sorry for the long explanation i think i may have went a little too hard on the symbolism but i didn t know how else to #express the feelings of glenn's conversation w darryl in that one episode

[saucypankakes]

Thinking about how Suzanne Collins writes romance in The Hunger Games along the lines of the soulmate myth where two halves of a whole complete one another

#and thg is very inspired by greek mythology so the soulmate myth was very likely incorporated on purpose #the concept of needing someone to be yourself #annie and finnick always being described as one being especially gets to me #like thats just platos concepts verbatim #also another tangent but hunger games explores the different types of love like agape or eros all of which were coined by plato #its all really done well because at the end of the day miss collins penned love is necessary and it shows throughout the entire story #love that everlark not only represents choice between war/peace but also your other half that makes up for what you lack #the hunger games #thg #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #everlark #finnick odair #annie cresta #odesta #greek mythology

[koroart]

Shez participating in Faerghus customs!! And celebrations!!

#I just think he also deserves to own a nice heavy furry and warm cloak!! #okay HCs #Faerghus to me is primarily Celtic inspired #mainly Irish/Scottish & Welsh #I know the picts were the ones who were known to wear blue woad but I think??? the welsh did it as well #I’m gonna have to brush up on that research #I also tend to blend some Norse in there as well #primarily the runes you see on Dimitri and Lambert #they’re both sporting the rune that represents the Norse god Tyr #and you can’t tell on Rodrigue but he’s also sporting a rune on his forehead #the rune algiz #which represents the elk and has various meanings but primarily protection #but other than that the markings are primarily picts #Dimitri and Lambert are more decorated because they’re the royals #I need to make a proper post about this one day #but other than that!! #have this #:: my art #fe3h #fire emblem three houses #fire emblem #lambert egitte blaiddyd #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #rodrigue achille fraldarius #shez #shez fire emblem #fe shez

[delta-piscium]

@steddie-week day 1: Hunger | 1.1k words cw: light angst in that Steve is a little sad/dealing with some mental stuff but like hurt/comfort (not EDs which mental stuff combined with the prompt word might make it seem like, hunger is used as a metaphor)

Sometimes Steve doesn’t talk to anyone for days. He just shuts himself in his room and hides, barely leaves his bed. Pretends he doesn’t exist, or that time has stopped and he’s the only thing that exists.

Sometimes, he’ll go back too soon, feel bad for the ignored calls and drag himself out of bed to see the people who matter most to him. But it won’t feel warm and soft those times. He’ll be too raw and It’ll feel like they’re grabbing his insides and eating them. Pulling his heart and brain out of his body and devouring them without letting him eat theirs in return. 

Usually, he’s okay with that. He knows his place, he knows that’s what he’s for. For other people to get fed. And he’s happy to feed, to do that for them. 

He loves them, of course he’s gonna give himself over. It’s just that sometimes they take too much. They don’t know they do he thinks, they don’t know they’re eating him alive. That he’s presenting himself on a silver platter and letting them take take take, and that sometimes they take too much.

That’s why he disappears, so he can grow back. So he can give more. Because if he stops giving he's afraid they’ll get tired. He won’t be useful, he can’t give when he’s like that. He starts craving, he starts wanting. He feels starved and wants to take and feed too, and that’s not part of the deal. He’s not supposed to eat, he’s supposed to be eaten. So when he turns hungry and ravenous he hides, he isolates. 

Robin is the only one who truly gets this about him, who doesn’t take and demand. She gently accepts the things he gives and never without giving too, forcing him to stay whole. It’s overwhelming and sometimes he has to hide from that too, he doesn’t know how to deal with the force of it. He’s so used to the constant hunger it’s a shock when it’s gone but he’s gotten better. And anyway, he and Robin are part of one whole so whatever is given or taken between them is never really gone. It stays with both of them.

Robin is the only one, or she was the only one he should say. Because now there’s Eddie. Eddie who gives and gives and gives, almost as much as he does. But who doesn’t seem to dwindle and dim like Steve does. Who doesn’t seem to starve or hunger. Eddie who notices when Steve does, when he stumbles and gets greedy. Who holds him up and makes him whole with a look, a touch, a word. 

Eddie who breaks in through his window when he shuts himself in his big empty house and lays with him in his bed, softly telling Steve stories and running his fingers through his hair. 

It’s wonderful.

It's the worst. 

“I’m afraid you’re gonna end up as empty as me,” Steve tells him, whispers it into the dark. “That you’re here now and you’re giving and I’m taking and you’re gonna be the one left with nothing.” 

Eddie doesn’t respond immediately but hums in acknowledgment, lets him know he heard and is thinking. 

“This is good for me too,” he says eventually, “being with you and resting. Getting to be here for you when you never used to let anyone but Robin be. It’s good for me too.” 

“It can be good and still drain you.” Says Steve, knows it to be true. He doesn’t resent giving the way he does, he loves it, it’s good. It drains him. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, “this doesn’t drain me, you’re comforting me too. It’s balanced.” 

Balanced. That’s what Robin tells him too. That’s what Nancy sometimes asked him for when they dated and he couldn’t let her see the cracks. That’s what he wonders about with his other friends. 

He doesn’t usually know how to do that. He doesn’t know where the lines are. He doesn’t understand how Eddie knows. 

“You let me give, and I let you give, so it’s balanced. We don’t take from each other, we gift and we receive. It’s balanced. You have to let other people give sometimes too, Steve.” 

It hits something deep in him, the last words. He knows this, he doesn’t want to know it. 

“I’m afraid they won’t. if I open myself up to it. If I ask, I’m afraid they won’t.” He says it so quietly it’s almost inaudible but Eddie hears. 

His hands still in Steve’s hair for a moment before moving again, gently scratching his scalp. 

“I know baby. But that’s not fair, they want to give too. If they knew how much they took without giving back they’d be heartbroken. It’s not fair to you or them.” 

Steve lets Eddies words wash over him, he knows he’s right. They’d be nauseous with it. His sweet wonderful friends and family would be crushed.

“Sometimes it will happen, maybe,” Eddie continues when Steve doesn’t respond beyond a sharp breath in. “Sometimes people won’t know how to give after only getting but you gotta let them try. Sometimes they’ll learn and adjust, sometimes they won’t and you’ll have to deal with that. But you can’t starve yourself like this because you won’t let them try.” 

"What if I take too much?"

"Then they talk to you, like you should talk to them."

“When did you get so wise,” Steve snorts, his voice is tight but he makes the effort, tries to lighten the mood. Deflects, like he always does. 

Eddie lets him, a little, knows Steve has to. But he’s still serious when he answers.

“Wayne is like a never-ending well of insight and digging around in everything, never lets me get away with shit.” 

The opposite of Steve’s parents who were the first to take from him and never give, never look into his eyes and tell him to eat. 

“He’s a good guy,” Steve tells Eddie instead of weighing him down more than he already has. Instead of acknowledging and relieving the hunger pang that strikes him at the thought. Even now, here, he doesn’t know how. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees. “I’m here to relay his wisdom, like playing telephone with whatever stuff he teaches me. The things your parents took away from you.”

Eddie still knows, of course, he does. He always knows.

“And what do you get?” Steve has to ask.

“I get you. I get everything.”

Steve smiles, turns around to kiss Eddie. He doesn’t feel empty when Eddie kisses him back, hungry. When he takes and devours. 

#i didn't think i was gonna be able to do steddie week becuase it crept up on me and i haven't kept up #and i wasn't gonna post this but like i wrote this in like 40 minutes in a haze and then went on tumblr and saw one of the #prompts for day 1 was hunger and i had literally just written this thing where i used hunger as a metaphor so i went back and reread it #and did some edits and now im posting it #which well i usually stick to humor in my writing so this is always scary but here we are #this is so different from what i usually post but this is also representative of like 70% of my notes app i just dont share #this kind of writing but fuck it i guess #my writing #dels steddie thoughts #steddieweek2023 #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #stranger things #steddie fic #steddie week

[priscirat]

i don't want to go home

#bang dream #bandori #imai lisa #mmmh its summer its time to rotate last year's lisa summer event mental breakdown #okay here come the thoughts #the beach has been already mentionned in bs1 as somewhere lisa would go often after quitting music #and i often think its bc since she leaves literally next to yukina it was to avoid her #which makes that even in middle school she would go to the beach and not want to go home as a way to escape #then theres the summer event #where they mentionned that when she was a child when she went to the beach she didnt went to go home at the end of the day #which directly connects to her in her last summer as a high schooler where she is scared of the future #and where she basically is taken by her fears as a child (her younger self tugging on her skirt) #also its a night scene bc i often think about how yukina compared her to the sun AND the moon #and the moon to me represents that melancholic side that lisa is so extremely prone to #theres probably more i forgot to type. but u see im already deep in the trenches

[stellerssong]

like fuck ME, man, the thing about Lucienne is that she can be kind of prickly and straitlaced and opaque and dryly sarcastic and chilly AND she can be capable of acts of incredible faith, generosity, good humor, care, and forgiveness, and neither of those things have to be mutually exclusive! it's called the fundamental dichotomy at the heart of human nature and we all have it in us! god DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!

#chatter #LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT FIRST AND FOREMOST SHE IS A PERSON AND HUMANITY'S GREATEST REPRESENTATIVE WITHIN THE DREAMING #where ''humanity'' here means like yknow that which dreams and yearns within all that lives and not homo sapiens specifically. #HER COMPLEXITIES AND CONTRADICTIONS COMPLICATE THE DREAMING BECAUSE SHE IS A PART OF THE DREAMING NOW #JUST AS SHE WAS BORN A PART OF THE WAKING WORLD. #SHE WALKS THE BORDERS. SHE BRINGS THE TWO WORLDS TOGETHER. FUNDAMENTALLY SHE GIVES STRUCTURE AND MEANING #TO A MASS OF UNFORMED AND UNDIRECTED CREATIVE IMPULSE. SHE'S THE LIBRARIAN. SHE CURATES THE UNCURATABLE. #[shakes you violently by the shoulders] DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME. #anyway i miss lucienne. would love to finish a fic one day.

[scribbyizback]

continuation of this post

#fnaf #dca fandom #scribbits art #art #pink days rn #which may or may not js be representing me #I was too lazy to draw sona #fnaf dca #time still stands tag #fnaf moon #moon fnaf #THIS IS NOOOOT AN X READER BTW #THESE ARE PURELY PLATONIC #cuz I like it when my friends offer to take care of me euhg

[sisterdivinium]

Genetic engineering, DNA modification, tested it on herself... Why would Jillian go through all this trouble? Adoption would be easier, surrogacy wouldn't be an issue for a woman with so much money, so why this devotion to medical science, to gene manipulation?

This doesn't seem very logical unless we take one step further in examining her characterisation as a sort of Virgin Mary character implied by her clothing and framing during season one: a man is never mentioned in connection to Michael's conception, either as donor or father... Possibly because Michael has no father. Jillian has made him up from scratch or, at least, using only her own genetic material.

This would surely equate to an awesome "medical marvel" and it would accomplish two additional things: first, it would account for just how sick Michael needs to be so that an extremely rare substance that doesn't even belong to this world can be his sole hope in surviving (the result of a miscalculation, an unforeseen mutated gene, some error in Jillian's design, the absence of something); and second, reproduction without the aid of man ("sinless", sexless) not only ties Jillian's character more closely to the theme of the holy mother, it also more strongly makes a Jesus figure out of Michael.

This is significant because it makes him into a designated saviour: Michael, too, "dies", crossing to "the other side" and later returning with the mission of saving humanity, which is the role he is sure he will play during all of season two. This story has been told before, the structure is the same and we all know it. He mirrors Christ in his being born of a woman untouched by man, in going beyond life and back, in being tasked by a higher power to act for others in his sacrifice. It is a destiny clearly written out for him, a classic narrative, a hero's journey neatly set up for Michael to accomplish and all he has to do is follow the script.

And yet, doing everything right, by the book, Michael ultimately fails.

If, according to all of the doubts awakened by the developments in Warrior Nun (is Adriel's realm not Heaven? Is he not an angel? Is Reya God? Is Jesus just as alien as Adriel? Etcetera), the Catholic church's teachings are all twisted, incomplete, when not simply ignorant of all that is true in spiritual, metaphysical matters, then this saviour narrative that constitutes the foundation of the institution itself is doomed — as well as whatever guidance it could supply.

I was discussing with @halobearerhavoc earlier about (among many other intriguing things) how myth informs the show and how it might predict Reya's fall, but also how that event would necessarily depart from how it plays out in the original myth. That is due to the fact that our protagonist here is Ava, a woman, and that this tiny little fact of sex alone forces a shift in how things are presented, in which values are prioritised, in how conflict is treated, escalated or resolved — this applies here as well.

Michael was the textbook redeemer, he was made for this, brought up by Reya with this explicit purpose and with the acquired conviction that he was the key to it all.

Ava, on the other hand, is a product of coincidence, of accident, of the unfathomable. She is already a rupture in tradition — dead and brought back, unknowingly, unwillingly the "usurper" of the halo, inserting herself in the line of bearers at random when she doesn't even seem to have any belief... Ava exists outside of tradition. To Michael's determined "Destiny", she is the one imbued with free will (it isn't out of guilt or duty that she returns to the Cat's Cradle, but through Mary's sympathy, through her own understanding and action). Ava is the unplanned factor, contrasted with Michael who was so planned that his life might have begun inside a Petri dish.

It isn't determinism that will save us, a mantle of glory woven by someone else wanting to place it upon our shoulders regardless of our own wishes; it isn't a decrepit institution or some despotic deity that will define us or what we do; it isn't the heavy, malodorous layers of ancient mould gathered over the endless tomes of Established Tradition or the carefully made calculations of arrogant scientists who think they can predict and explain and control everything.

Salvation cannot be through what Michael represents: an imposed duty, a stagnant, hackneyed story.

A story, we would do well to remember, which was already used to subjugate others, whatever its initial intentions might have been; Jillian certainly didn't predict what would be of her son and surely the primitive Christians didn't see into the future to understand what their devotion and their modes of its transmission would cause, yet it came to happen. The extermination of the Cathars, the persecution of pagans, the burning of "witches", the suppression of indigenous beliefs, activities and lives, to name but a few of the atrocities committed in the name of this one story...

So it cannot be Michael, embodying this narrative so well, that will bring about a fortunate ending to humanity's troubles.

Instead, salvation comes through Ava. She herself might be inhabited by a number of parallels with Christ, but she also carries freedom, an outsider's view which makes the inside so see-through, love, an ability to move outside of what had been previously set for her by someone else (one might even argue that these are the traits that made Christ before the story surrounding him came about)...

The walls built around her needn't contain her — and, phasing as she does, they do not.

Moreover, what would have been the real ending to Reya's plan, had it been followed exactly as it should have? The divinium bomb did hit Ava in the end, but wouldn't it have been worse had she not been interrupted in running up to Michael while he immobilised Adriel during the televised freak circus?

Ava's unpredictability, her impulse, her innate need to act with free will rather than constricted by what others dictate — Ava is the foil to fate itself, the foil to a structure, to a hierarchy that has been festering and rotting from the beginning of time, it should seem.

The hero of this story could only ever be her.

#warrior nun #jillian salvius #michael salvius #ava silva #i had been sitting on this for days #mostly because the initial post was like WAIT IS JILLIAN REALLY LIKE THE VIRGIN MARY and not much more #but i decided to make it into a more organised little essay #COULD you argue that the halo reaching ava was “fate”? yes of course you could #but this reminds me of a post by winterlorn if i'm not mistaken in which the #idea of vincent being the driver who caused the accident ava was in caused displeasure rather than satisfaction #why? because this erodes the very basis of what ava seems to represent #which is being an agent of change unchained to Something Else #so COULD you interpret all that i have exposed in the contrary and say it WAS ava's fate to defy fate? #you could. but in the process you destroy the very nucleus of what ava is #you would also have to almost automatically admit that there is a higher force at play than reya #some more powerful god or whatever #that manipulates everyone (including reya) as puppets #(and his name would be simon HAHA) #analysis and similar #exercises in observation

[lameow-l]

CAN YALL SEE THIS SHIT!!! HE

ALIVE!!!

#also u can see childe’s cons in the ‘sky?’ the boss whale shatters #which.. either all cons have a creature representing them #or childe is the special boi he is #im still questioning why he doesn’t have voice lines as ‘childe/tartaglia’ leaked #i can’t wait for 5 more days genshin.. give me now #i haven’t watched the livestream yet so if there’s anything mentioned there i wouldn’t know #genshin impact #childe

[ohdorothea]

inspired by many mutuals I wanted to make my own version of the best of TTPD playlists and then I decided to make my own alternate album titles/covers because I’m a big nerd so…

first up is album one the albatross

tracklist:

1. Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)

2. Florida!!! (feat. Florence + the Machine

3. Guilty As Sin?

4. But Daddy I Love Him

5. The Bolter

6. I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

7. Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?

8. The Albatross

9. thanK you aIMee

10. Cassandra

11. The Manuscript

12. Clara Bow

available as a playlist on Apple Music and Spotify

then the second album is called how did it end?

tracklist:

1. The Prophecy

2. My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys

3. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

4. The Black Dog

5. loml

6. Down Bad

7. I Look In People’s Windows

8. Peter

9. So Long, London

10. Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

11. So High School

12. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

13. How Did It End?

available as a playlist on Apple Music and Spotify

#I spent Too Long on this the past few days to distract from my scary appointment today but it was really fun #I have like a million alternate covers maybe I will post some of the other at some point #but yeah I think these versions for me represent the first story which is that if Taylor Swift the brand the pop star the billionaire ect #and then the second album represents Taylor Swift the person moving through heartbreak #but yeah 🫶🫶🫶 #kelly makes stuff

[jumobear]

de-anonymized

#anon is so special to me. in the name of internet safety i try not to intermingle my personal life w my online persona butit comes at a cost #of not connecting w communities online which is something i miss from my deviant days. anon is ment to represent tht and my wish to be anon #oc: anon #furry #furry art #furry oc #sfw furry #art #fursona #oc #anthro

[medieval-canadian]

so i'm crocheting a temperature blanket this year. my initial instinct was to say it's for my 32nd year but that's not actually how birthdays work so instead i'm awkwardly going with "the year i'm 32" and shortening it to just 32 mostly. anyway, that's besides the point.

i have the colour palette/yarn, i have the pattern (toni lipsey's linen stitch pixel temp blanket), i made a gauge swatch, i've started tracking temps (i've recorded hi/lo starting on dec. 8).... but fuck, i'm having so much trouble figuring out the temperature gauge!!!

i can't decide what the intervals should be, i can't decide if i want purples to be warm temps or cold temps or where to put the neutrals, i can't decide if i want to fiddle/tweak(/cheat?) and use the lows for the cold temps instead of the high which was the initial plan.... i just don't know!!! ugh.

#temperature blanket #temperature gauge #personal #crochet #whine whine complain complain #(i know it's not cheating bc it's my blanket/project and no one else's. i'm just so unsure) #i feel like if it was -20 early in the morning in jan but then warmed up to like -5 midday #then recording that day as -5 wouldn't accurately reflect the temperature variation? so that's why i'm thinking of using the low #but then i'm like. most often the low will be during the middle of the night which... is that representative??? idk???? #and also like... representative of what?? #i welcome advice or thoughts but reserve the right to ignore it if it makes me more confused lmao #i just have to pick something and stick with it for a bit #i guess if i find it's not working for me / not turning out how i'd like i can just tweak it from that point forward #except for the colour group assignment i guess #by which i mean purples = cold or whatever will be set in stone #i mean not literally. but i would not want to switch that up once i've started actually crocheting #i'm so conflicted about this bc i desperately want to start the project but i'm so so so unsure about the temp gauge

[luvring]

every day i wish creators didn't have to ask for more than silent interaction on here

#💬nia.rambles #yeah its a writer ranting about this again get over it #i dont want to be like Please For The Love Of God Say Something To Your Writers/Artists! #i dont want to have to guilt and pressure people who may be nervous or not into saying something #but also i dont enjoy that i feel like i have to get used to this growing silence and lack of. anything #a silence which mind u has been growing Since i got on tumblr and somehow hasnt gotten better in any way #if u reply or reblog w comments pls know i read them and i love and appreciate u 🫂 #when i have time i will msg u and give u a little thank u hug Pleak wait 4 me < nervous and awkward. #2 my fellow creators. i love u i hope ur enjoying the process and happy with what u make and get messages every day from now on!! 🫂 #i will keep rbing and commenting and i hope u can trust my thoughts represent more people than just me bc they do! #even and Especially when it might not feel that way

[walker-lister]

I just have to remind myself sometimes that no matter what anyone else says, the way a piece of media makes me feel and the positive impact it has had on my queer identity is valid, and that tearing myself apart thinking I have to defend it or questioning my own place within queer communities is not at all important when compared to the almost tangible sense of 'rightness' that piece of media helped me to feel about myself.

#just something i've been pondering the last few days #kind of like no matter how much people debate or i suppose theoretically deconstruct media featuring queer stories #the most important thing is how it makes a queer person feel #and I do think it is of course a good thing to ensure queer stories are executed with respect and authenticity #but there's this grey area in fandom spaces in which people may have found rep from a 'unreliable' source i suppose #or something which is queerbaiting- sherlock springs to mind for example yet if people have been able to explore and nurture their own #queerness through that media does that therefore mean their experience is invalid? i don't think so #and my worry is the more we focus on theory the less we focus on emotion and therefore the actual queer experience itself #and sure theory can inform the queer experience and ensure the media is a 'healthy' site of queer identity formation and identity aid #but at the same time scorning or being rude to those who have found certain media an aid is not the right approach to be taking #especially as queer experiences are so wide ranging that one person's idea of 'good' representation is someone's else's of 'bad' #and that unless a piece of media is clearly offensive in its portrayal of queer experience there has to be some benefit of doubt #I think we're still in a period of progression in media espc tv where queer creators are coming to the fore of their own stories #and we've got to 'live and let live' a little about where people are finding sights of queer validation and joy #and perhaps this a naive and simplistic way of thinking but i think queer people can either recognise when something isn't the best rep #but was helpful for them anyway and therefore in a way confer 'ownership' of the media to themselves in how they engage #or there is variety in queer experiences represented in media so that perhaps not everyone finds a 'site' of rep but that does not #therefore invalidate it or make it 'bad' representation #this is just my opinion and it'd be hypocritical for me to not now mention this is only formed from my own queer experience lol #so i'm not trying to tell anyone how to feel or anything just something i'm pondering

[calamitaswrath]

While I'm still riding the Xenoblade X hyperfixation, let me just use it to talk gender identity some more.

Between deciding on my current Cross design back during last December and where I am now (i.e. feeling that I'm probably a Woman But A Bit To The Side), I initially did have the plan of just switch between the male design and the female one. But even though I kept those two looking as close to each other as possible, there was always something that I didn't quite like about the male one on a very basic level, and something that I just couldn't put my finger on, let alone fix. Somewhere down the line, I decided to also make myself smaller builds for both, as an alternative to switch to. So, "Young Boy" instead of "Boy", and "Girl" instead of "Woman". For the female Cross, that worked out well enough, and I still have the design I came up with for that saved in-game, even if I have taken no screenshots. But with the male Cross? For the life of me, I could not put together a design that I even remotely liked. Absolutely nothing felt right, even though on principle, I guess I preferred the younger looking face over my actual "main" male Cross (which even then, I almost never used). In the end, I just gave up that whole design process entirely. I guess that only really serves to show that I'm really not off in my current self-perception. . .

#shut up cal you fool #shut up lucia you fool #you know though thinking about it #I'm also starting to feel like I start to get why it's X in particular that made me come to these realizations #cause sure I played other games with custom characters before #like Pokémon FE or Splatoon #but in Pokémon games with customization you play kids who aren't really gendered as much #heck in sv you can outright make them gnc #so nothing that really makes me think about self image that much #because by the time that xy came out I was already an adult #and I never really felt that personally represented by the player in Pokémon #so I just played the male characters #and in FE as nice as it is to customize robin and corrin #at the end of the day that system is still REALLY rigid #and doesn't allow for much self-expression #and when I did make my sprite edits for a custom robin. well #I wonder why I felt the need to make a genderswap one #and with splatoon I guess I started to saunter vaguely womanwards as soon as octolings entered the picture #in 1 I was still fine with playing the male inkling and I just continued that for 2 #but in X meanwhile you can actually design your avatar more freely #and can be an actual. y'know. adult #which in turn I guess just really played into the difficulty I always had picturing myself as an adult man #so. yeah.