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#where is that post that is like ‘beyonce dresses like she’s trying to attract women.’
texasbama · 2 months
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luxuryandbrown · 2 years
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Embracing Your [Unique] Features
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I see plastic surgery, adjustments, and fillers on beautiful women on a daily basis. From minor adjustments to full face changes. I’ll be the first to admit that I am NOT against plastic surgery or fillers. You should do what makes you happy. However, you shouldn’t get these life changing procedures solely to look like someone else.
For decades, main stream media has portrayed a certain look for women to strive for. For years, it was the “blond haired, blue eyed-white girl”. Now it’s the “dark long haired, full lip-bombshell”. It’s sad because the media has led gorgeous girls to believe they have to look like someone else to be considered attractive.
This post is to show you the benefits of embracing your unique attributes. Often, what these girls forget is that the women we deem ‘beautiful, sexy, or confident’ actually don’t fit the beauty standard.
The women that society puts on a pedestal have notably embraced their unique features and had an easier time branding themselves because they looked unique instead of a walking clone.
Skin tone
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Dita Von Teese has never been shy when it comes to embracing her extremely pale skin tone. She has admitted that her style and persona doesn’t fit the normal beauty standards. She could’ve easily spray tanned like most celebrities do to get a darker complexion but instead she embraced the fair skin she has. Now, whenever you see Dita in a photo, magazine, or video there’s no second guessing - you know that’s her because of her unique aesthetic.
She even brings attention to her fair skin by adding dark lipstick and hair. Her beauty doesn’t come from looking like anyone else but herself.
Hair
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When it comes to having their own hairstyles that suits them, Beyonce and Ariana Grande nail it. Beyoncé has switched up her hair numerous times but the color and styles still scream “Beyonce”. The honey brown tone and curls are what I think of when I imagine Beyonce’s face. Imagine if Beyonce decided to be ‘on trend’ and get a lace front wig & baby hairs like everyone else has. Instead, she drops “Lemonade” and brings cornrows back in style! She is aware of the colors, curl patterns and styles that work for HER. Don’t worry about what style is cool at that moment. Instead, figure out what looks good on YOU. Wear hairstyles that you actually like and that suit you best, not what someone else has.
Style
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The icon herself - Ms Rihanna Fenty. I do not have to explain because we all know Rih is known for her avant garde style and iconic looks. She is the queen of “NEVER playing it safe” when it comes to fashion. I understand that Rihanna has a team of people who’s job is to ensure she’s best dressed. However, that doesn’t deny the fact that her style is original and unconventional. Rihanna doesn’t look to see what everyone else is wearing or what the trendy items are, she creates the trends.
I know that we all can’t be Rihannah’s, but you can be that girl in your own city, town or neighborhood that’s known for having her unique style and fashion. You will never get credit or noticed for looking like everyone else, but you will get credit for having a style that is your own.
Personality
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Lastly but mostly importantly, your personality. Meeting someone who has their own opinions and not the opinions of what they see on social media. I miss meeting people that had their own unique personality and vibe. Your weird, hilarious, loud, or odd personality is what makes you unique and memorable. People will easily forget you if you’re just like everyone else.
A lot of these blogs try to tell you the “proper” or “right” way of thinking, behaving, and speaking. The truth is, you’ll get far putting on an act but people will eventually see right through you, or worse - get bored with you.
Cardi B is where she is today not because of her talent, but because of her out of the box personality. She’s loud, obnoxious, and says whatever the fuck comes to mind. People love that about her because they are too afraid to do that themselves.
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Issa Rae’s quirky and awkward personality is what makes her a cultural favorite. She isn’t afraid to be herself, in fact she embraces it. While everyone is trying to be a bad bitch or hot girl she is just being Issa. She is so well liked in the community not just for talent and shows, but for her awkward & funny personality.
To reiterate, I have no problem with plastic surgery, enhancements or even changing behaviors about yourself. I just want you to consider why you’re doing it. If you truly believe you need to make these changes in order to excel in life or feel better, then do it.
But, if you think these changes will make you appear as someone else then you should reconsider. Everyone has something that is different and unique about themselves which help them stand out. Use those unique attributes to your advantage.
X, @luxuryandbrown
You might like: How to: Pick Yourself Up
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tjlikesprettythings · 4 years
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Joshua Tree Playlist-A Macriley Fic
So I’ve done it again, not sure what’s wrong with me or where this came from but enjoy my obsession. Thanks for the motivation and support from my other posts. I’m still waiting for my invite from Ao3 but wanted to share this monster with you guys. 
This fic was inspired by music that I thought fit the general tone of this story, so I decided to make a spotify playlist linked Joshua Tree Playlist hence the name. Now of course you guys don’t have to listen to it, I know we all have different preferences, but I would recommend listening to the last song by Dylan Schneider “Wannabe” so you get the full context of what I was trying to write. I also mention the songs that I recommend listening to. Well anyways Enjoy and do let me know what you think!
This is very long, just a heads up! Please let me know if I should continue writing. 
Joshua Tree Playlist
Chapter 1: Day 1
Mac sat on the deck after his run, another sleepless night. The nightmares felt more and more real each day. Looking out on the early morning LA skyline he felt like a stranger in his own life. There was so much anger in him that he didn’t know what to do with himself. The loss, the tragedy that was his life felt like a weight he couldn’t bear. He’d give anything to go back to that pressure chamber in Georgia again instead of this, at least things made sense then. He was spiralling, he was aware. Scrubbing his hands across his face he let another breath pass. He didn’t hear her coming but saw her shapely bronze legs standing in front of him dressed in khaki shorts and a black singlet one hand holding a backpack and the other on her hip. It was definitely early for her to be up, especially on an off day. 
He raised an eyebrow at her, “what’s up Riles?” 
“Get up, we’re going on a trip.” She simply said swinging the backpack at his feet. 
“What?” he was confused by the situation unfolding in front of him, maybe he was dreaming? 
She turned to walk back into the house, “You heard me Macgyver, get your ass in the car in 5!”
He stood up and swiped the backpack off the floor and chased after her. She was already in the truck sunglasses pulled down with her arm out of the window, fingers drumming against the door. “Riley.”
She nodded her head in the direction of the car, “come on, we haven’t got all day! Get in!”
He could have stood his ground but honestly, he was too tired to argue with her. So he threw his backpack in the back and got into the passenger seat. She started the car and connect her phone to the Bluetooth, a playlist called Joshua Tree Playlist that was curated by Riley Davis came on the on-screen deck. He discovered that Riley didn’t just listen to Beyonce, old school rap, and rock. Her music like her was multifaceted and ranged from what you’d expect to complete surprises. He even walked in on her listening to Harry Styles to which she had just shrugged and simply said “I’m confident in myself to like what I like, besides watermelon sugar is a tune.” But currently, she quickly scrolled and threw on Mumm-ra’s “Summer” the indie rock song had a classic indie bass and guitar combo as the intro, she shimmed her shoulders to the music. He couldn’t help but actually crack a smile at her antics. 
Her head turned to him then as she bopped to the music and gave him that brilliant smile lipping the words to the song “I’m only happy in the summer...I’m only happy with you, lover...” She was like a prism, all clear but as soon the light hit her she was vibrant colors and sounds. “Now that’s more like the Mac I know. Nice to have you back for a second.” 
Her words hit him fully, leave it to Riley to bring him back down to earth. To notice that he was struggling. He didn’t know what to say, so he opted for the next best thing. “Are you going to tell me where this semi-voluntary kidnapping is going?”
“Hey, no kidnapping vibes here. We’re taking a couple of days and chilling out. Matty already approved it. We have four days to ourselves. So we’re going on a road trip! Next stop Joshua Tree.” She simply stated as she drove down the hill and towards I-10E.
He widened his eyes and gave his head a shake, letting loose a chuckle he threw up his hand and let them slap his highs. “Ok! I’ll bite.” the brilliance of her smile made him feel like he made the right choice, the breeze already warm blew in through the open windows, the loose strands from her bun floating around her face. 
“Yea! Bozer is going to meet up with us there, he has an errand to run before. Unfortunately, Desi can’t make it, she’s on a mission.” she said sparing him a glance.
He shifted in his seat if he were honest, he was now just looking forward to spending time with her and Boz. “Yea, probably for the best.”
She didn’t say anything waiting for him to continue if he wanted to. The great thing about Riley was she pushed when there was something worth pushing for but otherwise gave him space to talk to her on his own time. Without saying it, he could feel her body asking him if he and Desi were ok.
“I’m not sure I’m what she needs right now.” He simply stated and the unstated that he probably didn’t need their complicated and messy relationship right now either. They were too volatile and while that gave spark to great sex, it left everything else scorched and untouchable. It wasn’t fair for Desi to be stuck with him while he was stuck in his head.
He watched Riley shift in her seat, lately, he noticed there was a strange distance between them but then here she was stealing him away as the old Riley would. Maybe four days would give him the answers to why he felt like she was slipping away slowly, the thought put such a tight feeling in his throat, he couldn’t lose one more person. Especially not Riley, not his amazing, smart, loyal, beautiful friend singing along to a cover of Billy Joel’s “Vienna”. Suddenly it was easy to smile again, it didn’t take all of his efforts. “Hey, did you pack my bag for me? Or am I gonna have to survive in these running clothes for four days?”
He didn’t think to change when she gave him 5 minutes to meet her at his truck.
“I got you, Mac, everything you need is in there boy! Why would I give you an empty backpack?” she tapped on with the music and threw him another smile. If the next few days were going to be filled with smiling Riley he was already glad she kidnapped him voluntarily.
“Did you go through my underwear and sock drawers?!” He asked narrowing his eyes and laughing as a soft blush spread across her cheeks, Riley Davis can be bashful what do you know. 
“I mean we’re all adults here, no need for this juvenile behaviour. Yes, I packed your undies and socks.” He could see her rolling her eyes behind her sunglasses, but he was amused by the blush that graced her face. Mac always thought Riley was attractive, men and women constantly commented on her beauty. Her looks helped them with countless ops. He wasn’t blind, just looked past the obvious. She was his friend, Jack’s daughter, and a relationship he couldn’t sacrifice. But these moments when they’re alone and he could look at her and steal glances he saw just how gorgeous she was as a being. 
They had become closer the past couple of years for sure, he felt completely at ease with her. Could talk to her about anything, seek her counsel about things that were on his mind. She usually could read him already ready to jump into whatever stupid situations he got himself into. Even now he couldn’t believe that she followed him into Codex. She had told him she trusted him, and he felt like he could breathe just from those words. Knowing she stood with him gave him the strength to follow through. 
They stopped for coffee and bagels, laughing about the guy in front of them that took ages to order. They made fun of a couple of housewives of Beverly hills type and how Bozer would’ve recognized who they are. It was just easy his mind kept saying to him. When he pointed to a smidge of cream cheese in the corner of her mouth, she attempted to licked it away with her tongue, he couldn’t help but gulp down some of his iced coffee and watch her miss it. Reaching over he brushed the side of her lips and without thinking licked his thumb clean. She froze for a second and looked at him with an intensity that he couldn’t read. “You were struggling” he shrugged. 
“Thanks,” was all she said with an almost shy smile, unaware of course of how that small act sent fire all over her. She was thankful that she was on her last bite and he was already finished with his bagel, now casually leaning back in his chair letting the sun warm his face, his golden hair casting a halo around him. She needed to run away, “ready to start the journey again?”
Smiling he stood, they took their unfinished coffee and bottles of water with them. For the next 15 minutes, they joked about the new episodes of Rick and Morty, as more of her playlist played in the background, glancing at the screen he saw the current song was “Good Life” by Randell Kent. The lyrics washing over him as they finally pulled into the expressway. This could be a good life, at least it felt that way right now. 
They passed the next 15 minutes in silence, but it was the kind they had often where it was just comfortable. They didn’t feel the need to fill the void. They just listened to music and watched the road and let their minds wander.
She hummed along with the new song that came on, he never noticed that she had a pretty nice singing voice. “...don’t overthink it...just surround me...hmm” LÉON's "Surround Me" played in the car. He leaned against his window and watched her quietly.  “Why don’t you take a nap, I know you didn’t sleep much last night. We’ve got another 2-hour drive ahead of us.” She finally says to him softly turning the music down a bit and rolling up the windows opting for the ac.
Of course, she noticed, it wasn’t a big secret that he had been spiralling out of control. He wasn’t sleeping or eating well, his mind obsessing over Codex. But now there was nothing but a jumbled mess of things and just pure grief and exhaustion left behind in the aftermath. Strangely enough, he actually felt ok enough to take her up on the offer, she made him feel safe. Knowing she was going to be here when he opened his eyes brought a feeling of comfort and peace he was struggling to have, it was like the darkness couldn’t get to him. “Yeah ok.”
He drifted and for the first time in a long time found sleep came quickly and a dreamless sleep took him over. No nightmares, just soft hum engulfed him. It was when he felt warm fingers on his cheek brushing back some hair did he open his eyes and came face to face with Riley’s hazel eyes and full lips. He blinked a few times to adjust to the light. “Hey,” she said softly. 
“Hey, are we here already?” He asked sitting up, it didn’t escape his mind that he didn’t mind that Riley was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, it never did but he filed it away with any other thoughts that ever came into his mind about her that seemed more than friendly behaviour. 
She stepped away from him and cleared her throat and nodded, “yea, we’re here. I’m glad you got some sleep” she smiled again. She was entranced with watching him sleep, she almost didn’t want to wake him, he was beautiful, soft and so vulnerable in this moment. She knew how much he was struggling, which made her predicament even more complicated. How could she tell him she would be moving out? Instead, her brilliant idea was to steal him away for a few days. She was playing with fire, but she also knew that as strong as he was, any more change might send him over the edge. She decided she’ll tell him about her move after this trip, but her priority will always be to protect him, her heart can deal with it. 
His own faced turned up, “yeah I guess I needed it, and who knew what I needed was you humming off-key to songs in the background to fall asleep.” She swallowed and told her heart to stop its stupid summersaults. 
“I’ll make you some tracks and make sure they’re extra off-key! I’ll be your white noise” she said quickly teasing back. 
“My very own ghost.” his eyes crinkling in the corners. This was the most she’s seen him smile in a while. 
Rolling her eyes and doing a mock laugh “careful or I will haunt your ass for real” to which she got full dimples, this was going to be four long days.
“Ok so I got us a house actually” she cheekily said pointing at the well-maintained terra cotta colored house they were parked in front of on top of a hill surrounded by sky and desert landscapes with cacti and boulders, the house faced the road below that brought them into town. The front porch had a couple of lounge chairs, a table for four, a couple of lanterns neatly hung around the arches and a small pathway that led to a circular covering what he deduced was the hot tub. There were shrubs and succulents neatly planted around the house giving some green to the otherwise very warm hue of the area. 
Mac looked around and already his head felt lighter under the sky that just seemed bluer here, probably because the air pollution was nonexistent here. He sheepishly said, “I kinda thought we’d be camping,” rubbing the back of his neck, “but the house looks nice.”
“Listen, we can camp I bought everything, but we can also stay in this awesome house with a hot tub, pool, and functioning toilets and showers.” she shrugged tucking her hands into the back pockets of her shorts. “What can I say, I’m a city gal and honestly we do ‘camp’ a lot for work.”
He shook his head lightly, “yeah I guess you got a point there,” thinking of all of the times they did camp out without any real equipments. “You thought of everything huh?” He asked softly taking her in fully. “Thanks, Riles.” watching her smile and nod made his heart feel warm, a feeling he’s been missing for a while.
As if on cue Bozer pulled up behind them. Riley’s smiled widen. Mac turned towards the car and he thought he was seeing a ghost. Then he heard the familiar sound of a Texan drawl. He turned to Riley wide-eyed and then back at where Bozer stepped out of the car with a shit-eating grin and next to him was none other than Jack Dalton. 
“How’s it going hoss!” He waved with a laugh as he approached Mac and took his hand and pulled him into a hug.
“Jack! Man, it’s so good to see you.” Mac said hugging the older man hard, he felt his eyes water just a bit.
Jack pat his back and pulled away smiling, “it’s good to see you too, kid.”
“Yeah, the OG gang is back together” Bozer claimed jumping with excitement.  
Jack turned to Riley and embraced her, “Hey baby girl!” Pulling her off the ground as she shrieked with laughter. Riley held onto Jack for a moment longer before releasing him and smiling, she didn’t hide the tears that were softly rolling down her face now. 
“I’m so glad to have you back.” She said softly. Jack brushed away tears from her cheek and nodded. 
“Me too.” he turned to look at his crew and smiled at the kids that somehow came to mean the world to him. “So we ready for this crazy weekend or what?!” his arm still around Riley. 
“Hell yeah!” exclaimed Bozer already heading to the trunk of his car to grab his and Jack’s bags. 
Mac just stood dumbfounded for a second taking in the 3 most important people in his life and finally feeling something, he’s been so scared that something in him was shifting but seeing them here smiling at him brought back the warmth he felt has been slowly seeping away. “Thank you, guys.”
“Come on man, we’re family,” Bozer said squeezing his shoulder. 
“You always got us,” Jack added a giant grin. “Alright now, let’s get settled and decide what we’re doing. I’m craving a cold one for sure!” He said picking up his bag.
Riley on cue walked over to the door and pressed in the security code into the door handle and opened up the door. “Welcome to the digs boys, we’ve got the living room” pointing to the right, “the master bedroom just past there as well as the second bedroom. Just ahead is the dining room and kitchen, around the hall to the left we have the other two bedrooms and bathroom. Laundry room and back porch with the grill AND pool. You saw the fire pit and hot tub in the front of the house.” she said sweeping both her arms around the house that was meant to be their home for the next four days. 
“Damn Riley! You did good!” Bozer said as he scanned the house, decorated with a mix of modern and country house feel. Walking over to the kitchen he hummed in approval, “I can work with this! I’m gonna grab the groceries!” he bounced back out the door. 
Jack gave a whistle of approval, “man, after the places I’ve been sleeping in, I’m gonna sleep like a baby!” as he went around ducking into rooms and giving his approval.
Mac didn’t care much about the house but did agree it was a nice one with all the comforts of home. 
Riley suddenly stood in front of him and gave him a warning “Macgyver don’t use any part of this house, I would like to get my deposit back.” He laughed holding up both hands in agreement. 
Jack turned the attention back to the group, “ok kids whose taking what room?”
“Riley should have the master,” Mac said right away. Jack did jokingly protest that he’s the one who’s been sleeping on rubbles and jungle floors. Bozer bounced into one of the bedrooms to the right, jack decided to take the bedroom next to Bozer. Which left him and Riley to the right side of the house. “Masters all yours.”
She smiled, “umm you sure you don’t want it?” to which he shook his head, all of the bedrooms where sizeable with queen beds and dressers, it honestly didn’t matter and being the only girl they didn’t mind giving her the room with space and vanity table so she can paint her face as jack put it to which she rolled her eyes. “So there is the bathroom down the hall next to the other bedrooms but one here on our side the bathroom is actually in the master, so feel free to use it if you need it. The shower in there looks amazing!” She said nervously.
He smiled “yea ok.” He helped her unpack the car and bring her bag into her bedroom. He looked around “maybe I should take this room,” which earned him a light shove at his shoulder and he chuckled. 
“Too late it’s mine now. Ok! So I say we get changed grab some lunch and chill for a bit while we plan the next few days.” She laid out the plans looking up at him both hands on her hips and she stretched forward towards him. That familiar hammering came back in her chest, the next thing she knows he’s embracing her. “Mac…”
He just needed to be close to her just for a second, releasing her from the embrace he softly said, “I just...I know I said thank you, but really, thank you.”
She held onto his biceps and squeezed them, ignoring the way that made her feel she just smiled at him “hey what are friends for if not to kinda kidnap you for a mini-vacation.” He laughed and she decided that was her favorite sound. Letting her hands fall to her side, “go get settled, I’m sure Boz will make us something to eat, I’m starving.”
He smiled once more and left her standing in the middle of her room feeling so many things. The next four days were going to be the hardest four days of her life she reminded herself again. She survived two years in prison, she’ll be fine, she hoped. Taking a deep breath she walked into the kitchen where she could already hear Jack and Bozer. 
Bozer was laying out sandwich meats and cheese he had picked up while swatting Jack’s hands away from stealing slices of the cold cuts. She felt a bit emotional seeing them goofing around, something about Jack being home made her feel like everything was going to be ok, that Mac would be ok and she would have the strength to get over what was currently happening to her in regards to Mac.
“Some things never change.” She heard Mac say softly now changed into a pair of trousers t-shirt and button-down. “Thanks for the clothes you picked out, I don’t think I could have picked better.”
Again she felt her face warm, what the hell was wrong with her. She couldn’t recall a time that she felt this affected. Usually, with guys she had found attractive, it was always coyness and subtle flirting but never did something so simple trigger this kind of response. She chalked it up to the heat even though the state of the art thermostat read a cool 70°. “Yea, of course, you’re welcome. And I’m glad that some things don’t change.”
Mac looked down at her, he agreed but maybe some things changing wouldn’t be too bad. Pulling up the chair at the kitchen island, they took the beers Jack handed them one by one raising his bottle “it’s good to be home, cheer!” They all clinked the bottles together and shouted cheers. Jack took a long swig off his beer, “Damn that’s good.” 
Mac couldn’t help but feel like he was transported back to a couple of years ago when things were simple and good. They saved lives and had fun. Everything seemed so much heavier and complicated these days. But right now at this moment, he felt the most present he’s felt in a year. 
“What are we having Boz, I’m starving!” Riley whined softly. 
“Girl I got you covered. I’m making a medley of sandwiches, you got a Cuban, prosciutto and mozzarella with balsamic vinegar and basil, and a BLT coming at you with my homemade mayo,” he said already working on prepping the bread with condiments. 
“Damn Bozer, have I missed your cooking!” said Jack with an excited glint in his eyes. 
“So I was thinking we take it easy for today don’t know about you guys but I could take a dip in that pool, we’ll start early morning for the hikes, if we want to camp tomorrow night we can, day 3 and 4 are open for whatever you guys want to do. We need to be back in LA by noon on monday.” Riley laid out the plans.
“Pool party, I’m in,” Jack said nodded seriously. 
“Me too! I can’t remember the last time I just had a day to do whatever I wanted.” Bozer said thoughtfully while working on their lunch.
“Yea, it’s been a lot going on hasn’t it.” He said picking at the beer bottle label. The room fell into silence for a moment, each reviewing the events of the past year if not longer. They lost so much as a collective but Mac and the most. 
Jack took another sip finishing off his beer and shook his head, “Nah, we’re here to have fun, let’s focus on that.” grabbing one of the pickles that Boze laid out, Bozer gave him a side-eye but said nothing. “This weekend we’re gonna unwind and be thankful for this beautifully weird place. Nothing is blowing up, no one is shooting at us, the worst thing will be the hangovers and food comas,”
Riley and Bozer both collectively knocked on the wood of the kitchen island, “don’t jinx it!”
To which Mac proceeded to explain that ‘jinx’ wasn’t a scientifically proven, and went into a ramble about logic. It wasn’t until he noticed all three of his friends smiling affectionately at him that he stopped dropped him head mouth curving into a smile. He knocked on the wood too just in case.
                                                         II
Twenty minutes later Bozer served them his masterpieces as he called them, and they all agreed that they were works of art. Jack had caught them up as much as he could on his mission with the deltas and catching Kovac, leaving the classified information out. It seems so natural that they wouldn’t give details, that they understood that somethings they could never talk about again. 
Finishing off his third sandwich Jack stood to plug his phone to charge “can you believe this phone lasted me almost 2 years?!” 
To which Mac rolled his eyes but his mouth still twitched upwards. “I can’t help that a phone has key components for most builds.”
“Yeah you left and it became either me or Riley. I feel like it was mostly me though.” Bozer said pouting. 
“Appreciate you picking up the slack, I already upgraded my insurance just in case.” Jack pointed at Mac. To which Boze and Riley hollered. 
Mac held up his hand and shook his head, “hey man I promise if I don’t need it, I won’t ask for it.” 
“Alright, Alright let’s get to the pool!” Jack said already pulling his shirt over his head. “Riley throw on some tunes, preferably something country or rock or close to my generation that we can all enjoy.”
It was Riley’s turn to roll her eyes, “don’t worry old man, I got us all covered. A bit of Brooks and Dunn, a bit of Ozzy,  a bit of Technotronic, a little Beyonce, and of course Drake for Bozer.”
Mac’s face squinted into lines. “Wait is Techtronic for me? Or is Beyonce for me?”
She laughed, “guess you’ll just have to find out, though I do recall you know the lyrics to at least one of Techtronic’s’ song.” her own eyes squinting to tease him. “Alright, I’m gonna go change, be right back.”
“Yeah ok fair enough, but only cause it was on the radio…saved your booty,” she heard him mumble as she passed him patting his shoulder. 
The guys were already set up by the pool when she walked out. Bozer managed to find a pool floaty from where they didn’t know and mildly suspected he might have packed the one that he was currently laying on and enjoying the sun. Mac and Jack sat next to each other with their feet in the water.
“I’m sorry about your old man.” Jack finally said softly. 
Mac’s lips pulled into a line before he sighed and looked down at the beer bottle in his hand “yea, as it turns out its hard to be mad at a guy that always chose the utilitarian method. He sacrificed himself, I wish I could just be sad or just angry but how I feel is just…” he didn’t know himself.
“Hey man, I get it. I know what it’s like to lose a father. No matter who and how he was as a person, he was still your dad.” Jack said placing a hand on Mac’s shoulder and giving a light squeeze. “But you know I‘m here if you gotta sort through all the jumbled mess in your head. I’ll be your sounding board.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that” He did appreciate it, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to, let alone where to start to untangle the mess that his life became. He was brought out of his brooding when Bozer whistled loudly.
“Damnnnnn Riley!” to which Jack knocked him off his floaty, when he resurfaced drawing water away from his face he whined, “I was just paying her the compliment she deserves!”
Mac knew that Riley had an amazing body, her tight jeans and crop tops proved this countless time if not by the countless gowns and tight dresses she had to wear for ops, but they’d never seen her in a bikini in the four years of working together. He swallowed hard and pretended not to stare, but it was hard when she was all bronze and glowing, toned abs and round hips, her smile radiant even if her eyes held a teasing annoyance at the attention. It suddenly felt hotter than 89°. 
Jack knew better than to tell her to cover up, and he knew that he could trust these guys but still, he pouted about her lack of clothing. “Jack, what do you want me to wear to the pool, a potato sack?”
“No, but...never mind!” he just mumbled. 
She shook her head, but she was trying to distract herself from the fact that Mac had looked at her hard, their eyes locked for a second and she could’ve sworn she saw something there, the way his adam’s apple bobbed make her skin tingle. She decided that she’d read it as a compliment. 
The rest of the afternoon passed with a game of pool volleyball, naps here and there or reading, Riley’s playlist playing in the background. Memories being solidified to sounds, smells, and feelings. She chided them to apply sunscreen and even offered to help with their backs. 
“Riley not sure if you’re aware but I’m black,” Bozer said to her proudly.
“So? Black people burn too and are you trying to get cancer?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.
Deflated he shook his head no and sat down. One by the one they gave up the protests as she threw savage shade at them. She applied a boatload of sunscreen just cause they gave her a hard time and decided to snap some pictures as well for blackmail of course.
Mac was last and sat in front of her as she steeled herself and slowly applied the sunscreen to the back of his neck, the hair at his nape tickling her fingers. She worked quickly and ran her fingers between his shoulder blades down his back. She felt him tense and worked faster. As much as she enjoyed being able to touch him like this, it was also inappropriate. He didn’t know about her feelings, and she felt sleazy as if she were taking advantage of a friend. Closing the bottle cap shut, she lightly tapped his shoulders, “done, now you don’t have to be an embarrassing lobster.” She weakly cracked.
He wasn’t new to attraction, or the body’s response to the said attraction. He didn’t expect to be so affected by her fingers running down his back, her nails making a slow trail that left him imagining those nails digging into his back for a completely different reason. He cleared his throat, “thanks, wouldn’t want that.”  he managed as he looked over his shoulder. Fuck him, she was adorable as she chewed her bottom lip and nodded. Ok, maybe four days of this Riley was going to be a challenge.
                                                        II
Around later afternoon everyone decides to shower and get ready for the evening, agreeing to head into town and grabbing dinner there. They decided with the drinks they’ve had best to grab an Uber into town. The awkwardness of the poolside sunscreen still fresh as they piled into the car. It was a short ride but felt long as Riley sat squeezed between Mac and Bozer. Bozer just grinned, of course, him knowing her feeling about Mac was going to be her downfall. When they were dropped off, She felt like she had been holding her breath for hours.
“You ok?” Mac asked her to which she nodded.
“Yep, just need a drink!” His brows raised and he seconded that feeling because he definitely could use one.  
Walking around the old Pioneer town setup, Mac explained different tools and contraptions that were displayed around the old buildings from the 1800s, Jack dazzled them with stories about Texas that either made no sense or was inaccurate according to Mac, Bozer, and goggle. They decided to have dinner at Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneertown Palace, where the smell of barbecue wafted through the warm evening air, They could hear the bustle of music and glasses clinking. Bozer was already rushing in to get them a table saying something about getting his hands on some ribs. Jack hollered that he has to see if this place is as good as Texas barbecue.  
Mac looked down at Riley as her eyes sparkled with excitement the earlier awkwardness finally forgotten. Even though they’ve been everywhere in the world, this place had her vibrating. “I never knew you were a fan of the country life.”
She laughed, “I don’t know, I didn’t think that I was either, but there is something about this place that just, I dunno gets me kinda hyped.”
“Hey, guys they have a table for us!” Bozer shouted over the live music and chatter. Apparently they came on open mic night and the local dentist was doing this rendition of Hank Williams’ “all my rowdy friends” and killing it. The energy was just infectious.
They sat down as Bozer rubbed his hands together, “I already know this is gonna be the bomb. I mean can you smell that hickory?!”
“Hell yea I can!” Jack chimed in.
Mac smiled at his best friends, Bozer and Jack were always bouncing off each other in any room the three of them were in, but since Riley came into the picture they’re better behaved. They listen to song after song and the cheers of the crowd as they ate. Jack approved and hummed in appreciation. 
“I’ve missed this, the good ole USA, bbq, and country blues.” 
“Every song is about beer, a truck, a woman, but man is it catchy” Bozer stood busting out his moves as he called it. 
“Jack, it makes sense you should feel right at home at this place.” She said with eyes twinkling. 
Mac took a swig of his beer and chuckled, “This whole place is Jack if he were a bar, maybe throw in some Black Sabbath and ACDC in and you have Jack.”
Jack grinned and nodded, “ok, ok, you’re not wrong. I’m totally digging this place.” His eyes finding the eyes of a pretty blonde at the bar.
“Classic...” She agreed, crinkling her nose up in that adorable way when she found something slightly distasteful, thought Mac. For a moment they took the time to acknowledge the man who became a father to them both with affection. If they ever have to thank someone for their sincerity they could claim Jack as one of the big influencers. They’re musing was broken by Bozer shouting,
“Guys come on lets dance, how often do we get to do this anymore?” Bozer ushered them onto the dance floor. He already found himself a couple of dance partners. Ph.D. in partying Bozer was out tonight. 
It was true, they didn’t do these things anymore. Things haven’t been the same for a while. It’s only been about a year and yet he felt like his whole world shifted. An avalanche of shit hit him. 
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Jack jumped up and was already making a beeline for the woman at the bar. They could hear a vague “how you doing?”
Mac and Riley just rolled their eyes and joined Bozer on the dance floor as the new performer of the night decided to sing Shania Twain “Man, I Feel like a woman.” As soon as they joined Bozer, of course, within minutes Riley was stolen away for a dance. Mac was happy to watch her, the joy finally reaching her eyes today. Maybe they all needed this, a moment to stop and appreciate their lives. 
He liked seeing her like this, Riley was always fun to be around. But right now she was everything he thought to himself, everything about her made his heart feel full. Finishing his beer off, he decided that he wanted to be the one to dance with his friend. The more he played with the word, somehow it didn’t seem enough anymore to call her that.
“Can I steal her for this dance?” he asked not really waiting for an answer already pulling her close to him. “You good?” looking to make sure he wasn’t misreading the situation.
She looked up at him and nodded, “yeah, I’m good.” looking down at their joined hands, it was this hand-holding that started the thud in her chest in Germany, and here it was hammering away. She was so screwed. There was a part of her mind that asked her, why not? He’s not attached anymore, so why not? But she knew better, he didn’t need this right now. He didn’t need her feelings to complicate his life. Lost in her thoughts or the blues of his eyes she wasn’t sure which, she didn’t realize the music was changing as the next performer took stage and cheers were heard. 
The music changed to a slower one, something about it just seemed fitting and he’d watched her dance all night with other people but now it was his turn. He stepped up closer to her, her eyes on him as he took her hand and swayed with her. She laughed softly as they danced to a soft country song about a man who wanted to be a girl’s everything. How ironic.
“If you wanna be with a guy who's gonna bring you flowers A guy who's gonna talk on your phone for hours A guy who's gonna wanna hold the door for you When you wanna walkthrough A guy who's gonna pick you up A guy who's gonna take you out and make you Wanna get a little dressed up and get a little down”
She once told him that she wouldn’t mind a small town, the quiet, after all things they saw daily. He wondered if secretly she wanted to be one of those ‘girl next door’ country girl. He felt her warmth through the shirt she wore, his finger brushing the soft exposed skin of her midriff. It was like an electrical current ran through him, which was of course plausible and probably didn’t mean anything.
“I wanna be the guy with the roses Number on speed dial, ladies first, don't you know that's my style Hop into my truck I got plans We’ll head on down to Jimmy's and we'll do a little dance There's a lot of things in a small town a guy can be But if its by your side for the rest of my life Baby, you can call me, a wannabe (a wannabe) Be be a wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be Be”
She knew how dangerous this was getting, but she couldn’t help herself just for this one song. Couldn’t help giggling when he spun her around and pulled her close. Couldn’t help but let her stupid heart thud at his deep laughter. Where she could touch him for a little while without question, without worry. She can feel the hair at the nape of his neck as she wrapped her arms around him because they were just dancing. This stolen moment getting filed away as one of the best nights she’s had to date. 
“If you wanna be with a guy whose gonna give you The whole world from the back of a dirt road farm Scribbled in ink with a big heart a tattoo on my arm I'm talkin' kissin' like crazy, can't shut it down Can't you see how I wanna be the guy that you’re out with Arm that's your names on”
With every sway, he felt like he was taking a step towards where he should be. The person he should be and wanted to be. The doubt that has been clouding over him slowly clearing a little. He felt like he could finally see the light shining through. If someone like Riley could stand next to him as the world ended then life couldn’t possibly be that bad, right? So for now at this moment, he pulls her closer, lets her scent make him dizzy. Lets his hand splay across the small of her back to let each finger feel her.
“Be the lips baby that you wanna put your lips on All-day, all night, moonshine, sunrise, your favorite song There's a lot of things in a small town a guy can be But if it’s by your side for the rest of my life, baby you can call me A wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be be a wannabe (a wannabe) Be Be”
There is a cheer from the crowd and she laughs “This song is fucking catchy,” She says as he dips her, the audible gasp vibrating through her to him. He decided then that he loved dancing with Riley. He loved her laughs, the way her whole face lit up. 
“I wanna be the guy you make a life with, picket white fence with Maybe a little later hell even make a baby with Just you and me livin' that life long dream There's a lot of things in a small town a guy can be But if it’s by your side for the rest of my life”
He placed his forehead against hers and held her close. She glances up at him and his eyes hold hers. She’s mystified by their intensity, her body on fire from his breath fanning across her face. They were so close, he could kiss. He wanted to kiss her. As they got lost in each other, they failed to see the silly smile on Bozer’s face as he watched them or Jack who also softly chuckled from where he got distracted from wooing his lady friend Carla. If he was being honest, he can’t believe it took this long for them to get to this point. Well, he supposed he’ll have to have a chat with Mac about what he can expect if he hurts his little girl. Turning back to Carla he spared them one last glance then he was all Dalton, Jack Dalton. 
“Baby you can call me, a wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be be You can call me your wannabe (a wannabe) Be Be A wannabe (a wannabe) (a wannabe) Be Be”
The crowd clapped cheered and whistled around them, he held her eyes still in a trance. Something definitely shifted between them. She cleared her throat and let him go smiling. “Thanks for the dance. That was so much fun.” Turning to make her way through the crowd to their table where a fresh bottle of beer was waiting for them courtesy of Bozer she assumed. She didn’t wait to see if he was following.
The heat from the dance coming off her now as if she had a full HIIT workout. She took a sip of the beer and before she could swallow it, he was standing next to her. 
“Riley…”
She gulped down the beer and looked at him, she was so fucked. 
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What This Post Is About?Have you ever dreamed of having the skills and confidence to pick up girls in any social situation?Are you sick and tired of being afraid to approach an attractive, interesting woman?Have you ever wanted to impress your friends with how easily you can strike up a meaningful conversation with a woman, anywhere, anytime?Well this post was created for just that purpose!With 101 Ways to Break the Ice, you’ll learn the necessary skills needed to:Confidently approach any girl and engage in conversationDeliver witty lines to attract and hold her attentionHave a meaningful interaction that’ll intrigue and delight herGain that vital edge in your social interactions with the opposite sexThis incredibly useful post, which draws from the more comprehensive teachings available in Jon Sinn's ‘Seduction Roadmap’ program, is jam-packed with dozens of specifically categorized opening lines and ice-breakers that are so simple and yet so effective...and will help you to captivate your audience and increase their willingness to be with you.The post is divided into 3 categories:1. Functional lines are the easiest ones to remember! People are more likely to respond to these because they are simple questions that any decent human would respond to.2. Complimentary lines are a little bit more romantic since they focus on the girl and will most likely make her blush.3. Observational lines are based on the situation, so you'll need to be observant to what opportunities are around you to use these lines.While you can jump around the post to find your favorites, I highly suggest reading it from beginning to end so you don’t miss out on any lines.Finally, the post ends with an important chapter detailing the most common mistakes to avoid when chatting up ladies.The beauty of 101 Ways to Break the Ice is that it is so easy to use! Immediately you can start incorporating these valuable techniques into any social situation to see just how effective they really are!The key here is that women are far more likely to respond to ice-breakers that are genuine, witty and different, as opposed to, cheesy pick-up lines that merely insult their intelligence and make you look desperate and boring.I will teach you the difference between this:BAD: “Did you know that they changed the alphabet? They put ‘U and ‘I’ together...And this:GOOD: “You have the most incredible ‘girl-next-door’ look about you. I just had to come meet you.”...and a whole lot more!After all, talking to a beautiful girl is easy...once you know how!2: FUNCTIONAL LINESFunctional lines focus on asking for basic information that almost guarantees a response. You can use these anywhere!Where is the nearest Starbucks?Weird question... you don't happen to know the best place to see the stars around here do you?Where is the restroom in here?Sorry to bother you, but what is that you're having? I always get the same thing and I'm looking to switch it up and that looks fantastic.Where's the best place to party tonight?Do you have the correct time? I think my phone is being weird.Where can I get into trouble around here?Where's the best place to catch a cab around here?You happen to know what time the subway arrives?Excuse me, are the police very good runners in this town?You guys happen to have any gum or mints? My breath is an atrocity.Are there any 24-hour coffee shops around here?You happen to know anywhere around here I can get a good cookie?Would you be so kind as to direct me to the most pretentious club in the area?I'm trying to show my friends something fun but I need a book of matches, you happen to have any?My friend wants to smoke but has no lighter, can I borrow one?Do you know what time this place closes?Do you happen to know if there are any afterhours bars or clubs around here?Pardon me, where is the best place to see boobies at this time of night?Do you happen to know if there are any eighties bars around here?Maybe you guys can help me, I seem to have lost my friends, have you seen anyone who looks like....I'm looking for hot Goth girls, do you know if they exist?Where around here has the cheapest beer?Do these sunglasses make my butt look big?You guys have any idea what's good here?This is kind of strange, but you guys look cool, so I thought I'd ask. I really want to talk to that girl, and I have no idea what to say. What do you think I should go with?Where's the best place near here to get a good steak?Where's the best place to go to meet girls?Where do the really promiscuous girls around here hang out?Which way to the Misty Mountains?(Wearing a latching watch or bracelet) Would you mind helping me, I can't seem to get this latched with one hand.3: COMPLIMENTARY LINESYou are already looking at her so focus on what she’s wearing or what her style is and use it to get the conversation started. She’ll be impressed by your compliment and attention to details.You have a great look.Excuse me, did you intentionally match the hardware on your shoes and purse because that's very impressive.I love how you matched your makeup and your nail polish. Is that a Birkin bag? It’s fabulous.(If you see red soled heels/shoes) I normally don't like tall heels, but I noticed you're wearing Christian Louboutins because when you walk the red on our soles have more room to flash. They look terribly classy.You're so cute. I'd be kicking myself if I didn't come over and say hi. My name is...You've probably heard this a lot, but I still have to tell you, you walk in heels like most girls walk in sneakers.(If you see a scarf with skulls) Excuse me, that's a great scarf. Is it Alexander McQueen?Are you in fashion? That outfit is very Avant Garde.I don't know if it's your feet or those shoes, but I can't help but think that when women spend a ton of money on shoes, that's what they hope is going to happen.Your tan is magnificent; I'm finding it hard to think when your skin is in my line of vision.You have beautiful eyes... especially the left one.I love your ponytail, most girls just look lazy with their hair up, but on you it really shows off your neck and jawline. Is that intentional?Your outfit is awesome; you look like you just stepped out of a music video.You have the most incredible girl-next-door look about you. I had to come meet you.You look like the queen of all strippers.You have fantastic eye contact. It's kind of intimidating.Those stockings are really cool. Do they tear much?I love those glasses. You've got a whole sexy librarian thing going on. It's really working for you.You look like a schoolgirl who never leaves the principles office.You can't be from around here. Your sense of style is amazing; are you from New York?You have great arms—the muscle definition is really impressive. Can I feel? (Don't wait for answer.)Your hair is so shiny—you look like you stepped out of a shampoo commercial.I couldn't help notice how you just (whatever cool thing they just did). You're like the honey badger, you don't give a shit.I hope I'm not bothering you but... You look like someone I was afraid I'd never meet.4: OBSERVATIONAL LINESBe observational! These openers are not so much questions directed at the girl but rather statements designed to get her to open up to you. For this chapter, you must often be loud enough to ensure she hears you.(When a girl is looking at choices) That's the best one.(Look at the girl, then double take and tilt your head as though seeing someone you recognize, bringing your hand up to point, then looking away as though not sure.)(Yelling upon any disappointment) This always happens to me!I just can't get this song out of my head. Oh wait, (removing ear buds) that's better.You guys look like you'd know where to get drugs.(Kneeling next to a girl to tie your shoe) My knots always go the wrong way.The line between hipster and douchebag is so thin these days.Your outfit is so tastefully provocative; teach me your hipster ways.What do girls prefer, devil-may-care hair or devil-may-care attitude?(For a girl studying but seemingly distracted) It's so hard to focus on schoolwork when you're supposed to.(Sitting next to a girl at the airport) Don't you just wish you were going to Vegas?(In Vegas, or anywhere everyone is dressed up, next to a girl who is dressed down) Wow, everyone is so done up.(Next to a girl who is really dressed up) Wow, who are you trying to impress?Interesting decor in here, I wonder what period it is!(At a birthday or New Year’s party) I wonder how many candles/balloons/hats there are in here. I need to find a rain man.This is a great song—I wonder who the artist is.(Based on what song is playing) Omg... Do you guys love Lady GaGa/Ke$ha/Beyonce as much as I do?(Girl in produce section) How do I know when is ripe?(If you see a birthday girl) Happy birthday!(In a library or a loud environment, type on your phone) Hello, my name is (then hand her the phone, go back and forth. Also works well with the deaf)(In a very old place) I heard this place is haunted.(If you see a girl looking at guy) I think he's wearing Spanx.(If you see a girl looking at flamboyantly dressed guy) That guy is... FABULOUS!(In an art museum) I heard they have an exhibit of art done by animals. (When she says "really?" Stare at her, and then slowly shake your head)(If you see a girl looking at trashy girl) She looks like she's looking for a guy to take her to TGI Fridays.(If you see a bored looking girl) You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here(If you see a girl alone and looking around) Your friends wander off?(If you see a classy group) My friends are all talking about sports, so I thought I'd come meet you since you are classy and intelligent looking. I hope that's not too weird.(If you see a big group) You guys look like a lot of fun, what's the occasion?(If you see a girl who obviously dislikes another girl) You think she’s wearing anything under that skirt? My money’s on herpes.(If you see a classy girl in high heels) You look like you should be holding a Cosmo.(If you see a girl texting while friends talk) Hey! No texting your boyfriend during girls’ night.(If you see a girl looking at guys) Which one is your favorite?(If you see a bored looking girl with fun friends) Are you the DD? You look like your friends are several drinks ahead of you.(If you see a girl who has just been approached) Do you think that line works on anybody?(If you see a girl looking at badly dressed girl) What do you think she was thinking when she bought those shoes?(If you see a girl who is getting eye contact from guys) I think he likes you.(If you see a tiny skinny girl) You're so tiny and delicate. You go to steakhouses and order salad, don't you?(If you see girl looking sad) You look like your unicorn died.5: MISCELLANEOUS LINESEven if it’s not the best idea, a man should have the balls to be able to just go introduce himself. ‘Hello my name is...’(If you get eye contact and a smile) You're terribly cute, I wanted to meet you, I'm ...How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.(Have a restaurant opinion argument): My friend and I are having a disagreement, help us out: Rolls or cornbread? Chicken or beef? Salmon or tuna? If you're at a steakhouse, is it ok to order something other than steak?Please tell my friend that putting ketchup on his mashed potatoes is gross.Who would win in a fight between Chris Brown and Beyoncé?What's the best pickup line you've ever heard, because I want to meet you, and I'd like to use that one.(If you see a cute friendly looking girl) I choose you Pikachu!WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?By now, 101 Ways to Break the Ice has given you some ideas on how to get the conversations started.However, successfully luring her in is only the first step – there’s so much more to learn, especially if you want to:- Get her to respond positively to your calls or text messages- Have women genuinely want to be around you and spend time with you- Ensure a second date!For example, it’s important to know how to avoid the 3 most common mistakes most men make when chatting up ladies.Over the years, and through thousands of failed attempts and dismal conversations, I’ve honed my skills to teach men the secrets of attraction.When you understand the principles of dating and attraction, you can turn it on whenever you want. Not only will you never be alone, but you will also be able to get the kind of girlfriend you’ve always wanted.I’ve narrowed down the top 3 reasons for failure when chatting up the ladies, using this simple acronym, ICE:Interrogation,Centering the Convo on Yourself, andExaggerating the Truth.Mistake #1 – InterrogationYou’re innocently asking her questions in an attempt to keep the conversation going and to find out more about her. When you notice that the welcoming, intriguing girl who loved your opening line has suddenly turned cold and a little dismissive.So what happened??A common mistake most men make is that they inadvertently turn a natural conversation into an inquisition, bombarding the poor girl with question after question.A conversation needs to be natural...it needs fluidity, and once you know this and can do it naturally without making her feel like she’s being cross-examined, you’ll find her a lot more receptive and inviting.Mistake #2 – Centering the Conversation Around YouWhile it’s great to share your interests, your likes and dislikes, beware of hijacking the conversation and talking almost exclusively about yourself. This makes you look a little selfish and can alienate the lady.Example (Bad):Guy: “So, what's your favorite food?”Girl: “Oh, I like Italian.”Guy: “Me too. I prefer Chinese food though, especially from the Szechuan region – the spiciness has just the right kick. It’s my favorite food to cook actually.”Example (Good):Guy: “So, what's your favorite food?”Girl: “Oh, I like Italian.”Guy: “Me too. I love Chinese though. Have you been to any good Italian restaurants around here?”By focusing on some topics that she enjoys, without crossing into ‘Mistake #1,’ you’ll find that the conversation has a much more natural flow to it, thus greatly increasing your chances of success.Mistake #3 – Exaggerating the TruthPeople frequently lie about themselves in order to keep the conversation going and make a good impression. While this may seem like a good idea – it isn't.With a little practice and by using the tips and strategies in this post, you’ll have greater success and will feel more comfortable simply being yourself.Remember, she’s far more likely to be attracted to the real you!Meeting and talking to new people, especially good-looking, elegant women, can be tough.But having the skills and confidence to do it...and do it right...can be life-changing!Sincerely Yours,SimonP.S. Here's another related article on the topic: The 7 Most DEADLY Conversation Mistakes YOU Probably Make With Women (... And What To Do About It) via /r/dating_advice
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miadwa · 7 years
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“It’s One of Them Queer-osexuals!”: Realizing I Might Not Be as Straight as I Thought I Was
‘How Did You...Ya Know...Know?’
I think I’ve always known that I was Black and Woman (thanks for the unnecessarily-gendered over-racialized world, white supremacist patriarchy), but I’ve only recently figure out this whole Queer thing. Looking back, there were signs, but I grew up in a Christian Black household, so the thought of having some sort of attraction to another woman never crossed my mind as something I would face. The list of signs grows everyday as I evolved and consider how my past experiences have shaped who I am today, but here are just a few for you to think on:
Sign #1) My older brother had a poster of Lil Kim on his bedroom wall. She was crouched down, legs spread apart in a leopard print bikini with a feather lined robe cascading over her thighs (making me wonder how my parents allowed this). To say I was obsessed with that poster would be like saying Beyonce’ is kinda an okay performer: a grossly disrespectful understatement. I cannot count the number of times I cracked his bedroom door when he wasn’t home just so I could catch a glance at the beauty therein. At the time, I didn’t really think much of it, but I knew enough to know I couldn’t get caught drooling with my eyes fixated on that poster. 
Sign #2) My aunt kept a collection of Jet magazines at her house in the bathroom. As a kid, nothing thrilled me more than skimming through that booklet to find the Jet Beauty of the Week. A different gorgeous Black woman oiled up in a bikini every single week?! Where do I sign up?? I had seen the promised land and it was overflowing with melanin. I had the page number memorized and could feel my heart beating faster and faster as I flipped through the pages trying to reach that glorious profile. I was always smart enough to keep my finger on another page in case someone approached and could catch me. Always gotta stay woke, right?
Sign #3) I had a lot of ‘girl crushes’ and I think most queer women can relate to me here. There was always a girl that you thought you just wanted to be absolute best friends forever with or a girl that you thought was so cool and pretty that you wanted to be just like her. (Let’s all let out a collective LOL). I won’t say her name, but the first time I can really remember feeling that way was in 4th grade. The truth of the matter is, from that point on, I always had a ‘girl crush’.
Oh Shit, I’m Not Straight at All
I didn’t fully embrace the fact that I was attracted to women until late in my college career when the girl crushes rapidly transformed into just crushes. Up until that point, I struggled a lot internally trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My process of accepting my own identity as a bisexual (I don’t really identify with that term for personal reasons, but we’ll go with that for now) woman was a rocky one for many reasons. One of those reasons was that I didn’t really fit in anywhere. Straight people wrote it off as a phase of experimentation that I would go through for a short period of time and then be ready to return to the world of heteronormativity, saddles of wedding dresses and tuxedos blazing. Lesbians wrote me off as yet another confused, closeted gay chick who only identified as bisexual as a stepping stone to coming out and fully embracing the life of lady-loving and two bride weddings. And both of them were quite wrong. That’s not to say, I’ve never felt some uncertainty or questioned my own feelings - there were plenty of times when I thought I was done dating men altogether. But when the rubber met the road, the simple truth was that I am an equal opportunity lover (and I’m working on trademarking that term, too).
When you further consider how I was raised, accepting the fact that I was anything other than straight was...difficult. I remember praying, crying, begging and pleading for God to take this thing away from me. I was the daughter of a minister, I knew what my eternity held if I even dared to let the word ‘gay’ roll off my tongue. My back ached and my stomach knotted itself as the weight of carrying something that I had been taught was so dark and twisted bore down on my spirit. I remember being angry from a young age as I was forced to essentially battle myself day in and day out, but never really knowing the well from which my anger sprung. As I grow older, I can look back and see that (I think) I was angry at God. He’s perfect in every way, right? So how could God make this kind of mistake on me and send me into the world with this immoral blemish staining my soul, humiliating and debasing me everyday? And when I asked for the Tide pen to blot out this spot, He turned his back on me in silence? I never asked to carry this cross, so tell me how is any of this fair? But  in the quiet, I felt a still small voice speaking and breathing into me: “I make no mistakes.” It was in that moment I realized that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with me after all...that I was just different and God had written this into my life intentionally, not as a an unchecked grammatical error for which He had no White-Out. From that moment on, I had no choice but to walk in my truth and be the woman God made me to be. That’s not to say that it’s been an easy task; it’s still something I struggle with accepting in myself some days. But I was no longer angry, or ashamed to be who I am. I was simply...me, and I was just trying to live my life in the best way I could. 
So What Now?
Accepting myself for who I am has only been the tip of the iceberg. There’s still that whole “dealing with family, friends and society as a whole” thing, but that’s for another post. At this point, I’m comfortable in my skin and (try to remain) as equally secure in all of my identities. Sometimes it gets rough and I want to attempt to throw of the shackles of queerness in favor of an easier life. But then I remember the family I’ve gained, the joy I feel in just being who I am, how far I’ve come and who else I could help along this journey, and I remember that rainbows only come after the rain.  And it wasn’t until I walked through the storm that I was able to dance under the rays of the rainbow. 
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