#when theyre like 'have you ever wanted to die?' i wanted to be like i am in excruciating and untreated pain. do you want the real answer?

[actualbird]

hi zak!!! deliriously asking this at 5am, but don't you ever think about every time marius (and i guess that whole von hagen family in that sense) celebrates his own birthday is he reminded about his mother's death? like... the way you share birthday with your mother's death anniversary.... haha how does that go............

first of all, I HOPE U WENT TO SLEEP AFTER SENDING THIS MESSAGE!!!

second of all, AUUUUUUUUGGGGHH //wailing in agony

i have thought about it in passing and it hurts my heart....frankly i think marius, once hes old enough to understand what happened (and also old enough to be blamed for what happened) (which...wasnt very old at all, he was still a child) takes it hardest. of course, giann and austin grieve, but i like to think that because theyre older (and thus more mature and capable of compartmentalizing) that their grief for carenina is separate from their joy of having marius in their lives. it wasnt a "deal" or a "trade" in their minds and in their hearts.

for marius though, it is. he sees the beginning of his very existence inherently tied to the death of his mother. he sees his existence as a sick "trade" by the universe; lose someone you love and gain a child thats a burden and a reminder of who you lost. hes much harder on himself, and i think thats partly because he never got to meet his mother, so he didnt get to experience how excited she was for his birth, he didnt get to experience first hand how much he was loved by her even before he was born. giann and austin got to experience this, and, even with all the bumps in the road, they continue this love for marius. in a way, it's a form of remembrance too. but marius had it different. what he knew was once upon a time there was a perfect family, and then he came along, and grief loomed over them like a shadow theyll never be rid of. marius feels like he was a thief. marius feels like he stole life of his mother.

semi-related: i actually have an hc that marius' mother did not die during childbirth (and thus not on marius' birthday), because canon never confirmed that it was during. instead, canon just said that the strain of giving birth was too much for her deteriorating health, so it's not without the realm of possibility that carenina lived for a few months after childbirth before passing away.

why i have this hc is because:

1 ) i hc she was the one who gave the nickname "king". she'd whisper it to him delightedly, boop his little nose and tease him for being a pampered little baby, calling him "my little king" as she cared for him in her last days.

2 ) i just want carenina to have met marius, even if marius cant ever remember it. i just think it would be nice, and that it would be fitting. one of the last moments she had was cradling her beloved son in her arms, and she was at peace when she went

she was full of love and had no regrets. to her, this wasnt a "trade" either. this was her choice, and she was glad to have made that choice.

but of course, marius cant remember the experience, and he thinks otherwise. to him, being born was his first sin among many.

#you got me emo about von hagens at 5am I HOPE YOURE HAPPY CHIKA #khickuwa #asks #tears of themis #marius von hagen #tot marius #lu jinghe #tears of themis headcanons #tot headcanons

[novembermorgon]

Do you have any ocs that get to hold that sweet «consort»-title? Alt. Question how does Myrielle get along with her father-in-law or Aerion’s uncles?

funny you mention that .

since aerion doesnt technically die before maekar kicks the bucket in this universe .. well ... ... ........... <_< ... the succession is a little more clear . which isnt actually a very good thing in this case ... but how funny is king aerion if you don't think about it too hard (the answer is very) ! myrielle gets the consort title for a little while at least but it shifts into queen dowager slash regent eventually .

as for maekar ..

in my mind they're not really At Odds necessarily - she respects him and wants to be on his good side as her father in law . finds him a respectable man and doesn't intentionally try to piss him off or anything but i feel like she finds ways to do so regardless. she's a bit too similar to aerion in the sense that she somehow always ends up on the scene of the crime and i imagine it causes a lot of additional stress for him to have the aerion myrielle pipeline of bickering as kids > twisted marriage > kids named after horrible monarchs in the background alongside everything else that's already going on for him LOL

i do think they have some care for each other in the sense of familial loyalty by means of marriage . maekar wants to make sure she doesnt get in trouble and ruin his son's reputation further and myrielle finds comfort in him as a distant father figure when her own family isnt really at court anymore

baelor is a fun one i think because it's a double whammy of Both myrielle and tybolt show up at court and theyre amazed by him . i like to think tybolt even before they get to king's landing looks up to baelor in the sense of being a kid who wants to be a knight and a great lord looking up to a knight and a great lord . and myrielle ends up tagging along even if she doesn't care much for knighthood or his feats ... her cool uncle in law that she idealizes and crushes on in a childish sense the same way she does a lot of the male figures in her life .

digging way too deep for a little tumblr post i think she looks at him from a distance as an ideal shining example of what a Man Should Be and envies him . somewhere maybe she wishes she could be like him the same way tybolt does despite knowing that will never ever happen

THE OTHER TWO ... 90523590r239 well. theyre kind of nothingsauce to me sorry (not true aerys served nerd loser and died so i respect him) and i don't think she's very attached to them either. rhaegel she would gossip about in a really unnecessarily mean way and with aerys its kind of like

#myrielle voice crazy amount of hate i got against him hes just reading a book rn but hes still annoying me #myrielle tag #oc tag #asoiaf #asoiaf oc #aerion targaryen #aerion brightflame #maekar targaryen #baelor targaryen #baelor breakspear #tybolt lannister #a song of ice and fire #asoiaf art #moart #digital painting #fanart #house targaryen #asoiaf fanart #valyrianscrolls #game of thrones #fire and blood #oc x canon #ocs #dunk and egg #a knight of the seven kingdoms #a song of ice and fire fanart

[sieglinde-freud]

i flip flop a lot between anti sex anti horny xander and xander who chose his retainers purely by thinking with his dick like sorry i dont believe you picked laslow and peri based purely on objective measures i think you saw laslow almost knock you on your ass and show you last minute mercy and it did something to you. i think you saw peri hit a crit in that tourney, messy ass mascara and everything, and fell to your knees. like theres no way. THERES NOOOO WAY.

#fe xander #i come back to these three a lot very often #and its usually when i start thinking about how ppl were like #‘why would the crown prince ever have laslow and peri as retainers’ #like as a knock to fates writing #but the answer could be so simple if you let it be: its funny and xander just thinks theyre hot #(im aware the real reason is that xander wanted people who wouldnt let themselves die on the battlefield #but to me fates is a comedy and i must treat it as such) #but then sometimes to me xander is the type of asexual who vomits at the mere MENTION of intercourse so its like #man. which is it buddy #i guess the answer to my question is which one is funnier at the moment #so woo!! aceflux xander!!!

[druidshollow]

"what would your character be like without their trauma?" is such a hard question for me because it makes me feel like a massive asshole LMAO

(im attaching a picture of a tundra literally to add context to my ramble in the tags because my posts are structured by a sane person) (you should read the ramble in the tags i talk so much about rivers fsr)

#like. rivers would probably just purpose funky things for the hell of it and study lizards and stuff #i think environmentalism would matter to him since he was created long before the great equalizer when there was like. actually a view #have you guys ever looked at a tundra for real theyre so pretty. i think the colours would be funkier though #purples and blues along with the reds and oranges i think but id have to draw it tio be sure its not ugly #anyways. rivers would probably be interested in nature conservation especially since the ancients destroyed the world- #but the iterators construction obviously had a massive part in that so hed feel ownership #him and glass wouldve got along VERY well in this circumstance since that matters a lot to her (specifically animal conservation though) #but at the same time glass doesnt exist without rivers trauma right. she cant exist if flowers isnt in his life because he Literally built #her (glass) just to be mean to rivers #doomed for real #i....... want them to be friends in the walky au. my massive block is trying to think of some reason nights Needs to leave his can because #he wouldnt if not required. and glass just wouldnt leave him. in no circumstance would they willingly separate from eachothers company #theyd ALSO need to be really fast because the only opportunity nights would get to get out is when odyssey goes to him to help her build #the weapon she needs to kill dune. (odyssey has the gift. the twins dont know anyone else who does((other than phrases obvsly))) #this happens a considerable amount of time after phrases and rivers escape. they have like. a month's time on them #odysseys like “if you guys are for real about leaving do NOT go straight south. dont. dont. dont. youre like 2 feet tall you WILL die” #nights is like “DEAR GOD SERIAL KILLERS??????” and glass is like “wtf youre only like a foot taller than us” #anyways i think glass and rivers would get along and rivers has a positive arc here right and realizes hes wrong and hes glad he didnt. #kill the twins. yeah its good you didnt do that dude #i jsut really really think theyd get along if rivers had the chance to associate her with anything but flowers horrid treatment of him #because in the normal story all he sees when he sees her is flowers. and like flowers could the twins can tap into his work and see his #files and logs and such whenever they wanted. they didnt do this very often- glass really never looked at rivers work unless she was told t #but rivers was just made SO paranoid by flowers abuse that thinking of being watched makes him feel sick and horrible #and his whole thing is trying to find a way to feel less horrible right so thats (part of) why he decides to get rid of them #hm. if rivers wassnt traumatized hed like nature and creatures. anyways #oc posting #look to the tags for the oc posting

[vaugarde]

i get the frustration with so many villains now getting treatment like “oh they had a sucky childhood so actually you need to feel bad for them and not hold them accountable for their actions” but the counter of “this person was born evil and cant ever grow and its pathetic to assume that they can, also people cant be redeemed no matter what and this is fantastic writing actually” is so exhausting. 

#like... no one is born grinning maliciously with a knife out the womb. no one starts out that way #and anything thats ever tried to portray a character that way at birth has only ever been ironically funny #idk its annoying when people are like ''actually its more interesting that the character doesnt have a motive for killing people'' #like. coming off of bullet train rn but even ''this character otherwise has a perfect life but they accidentally killed and now theyre #fascinated with all the ways people can die'' is more interesting than ''idk thats just how they are *shrugs*'' #like yes someone can have the perfect upbringing and social life and still turn out to be sadistic but you can still work with that #as opposed to ''they were born evil thats just how they were always gonna be SORRY'' #like. idk go into that ''perfect social life and family''. what did that family value? what were the friends like? #what did that person experience outside of those things? what did they consume? #did their social standing actually breed some sort of entitlement to them? do they perhaps freak out if something doesnt go their way? #are they insecure deep down? does that drive them to it? are they a perfectionist? do they assume peoples feelings? #i remember reading this wc fancomic that explained why a character was evil and like her mom died #and the attention from her mothers death made her obsessed with being fawned over so she started medical abuse #and letting her patients die so that people would fawn over her the same way every time #and the op was like ''HEY before you yell at me shes NOT evil bc her mom died ok she was gonna turn out evil no matter what'' #like... no no go into the emotional vulnerability implied there. go into the morbid introduction to slow death at a young age #go into the potential desensitization go into that. youre already willing to make her multifauceted and with positive traits #why are you afraid of implying shes even SOMEWHAT sympathetic and just want to say she was gonna do that regardless #and i fault the atmosphere around this stuff most of all like we should never have implied that giving a villain a reason to be evil #was stupid woobifying bullshit that was out of touch with reality #echoed voice

[buppypuppy]

.

#vent post essay ahead lol #having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad. #the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like #i mean im talking abou t me here obviously. #being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like. #it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help. #i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to #like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m #i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s #i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's #it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus #i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li #i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like #ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!! #because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know #and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like . #i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad. #my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik #my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine #makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS #it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well. #i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum #fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri #you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though #so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do #and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode #and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate. #i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day. #jane mary cry one tear

[early-october-skies]

Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees

#lizzierants #had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly #caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because #theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry #that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing #good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me #someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with #my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am #overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back #this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf #i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec #ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help #and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here #most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much #anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking #terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine #is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because #they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate #this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start #crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3 #i will heal and ill be okay <3

[milkweedman]

ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.

months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.

#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant) #while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember #usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun #because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die #however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again #so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave #its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad. #i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low #because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in #and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening #i want to scream. #i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care #the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white #hhh. #chronic illness #chronic migraine #and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement #or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body #i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry #at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough #like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it #but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier #im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward #literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit. #so its a catch-22. #vent

[salsflore]

going to sleep soon ～ let me get some things off my chest here.... my eyes are super itchy again (fell into the trap of snuggling my cat even when i swore i wouldn't do it again)

#cw vent #this is bc i have a math exam tmrw I’M SORRYYY i feel some kind of way about that #this is the first exam where i am near confident i will fail. and its just kinda sucky #my mental maths is really poor and due to the fact i skipped grades (unable to afford Education) i don’t know a lot of things my peers know #my results as they are right now? theyre genuinely ok. not bad. but theres still gaps made by the years of missing out on school #this is one of them #its so embarrassing having my classmate look at me weirdly when i ask her about something that should totally be obvious or #something silly like that. i don’t know. its especially hard for me to be interested in maths because my old maths teacher has #literally fucked me up i’m so intimidated by every math teacher ever and i just hate the feeling of being stupid or whatever #i don’t enjoy being comforted by A+ students bc theyre like cmonn its totally fine!! i relate i got a 39/40 :( #or my friends who make jokes about how stupid i am and its just aghhh #its already been almost a year since ive enrolled in school again but i still feel so out of place #so miserable i could just die #so miserable i think i SHOULD die #and i'm just nervous about getting an absolute 0. failing my first test made me want to literally kill myself #sorry for being dramatic but when you have a sister whos awards and certificates fill your house shelf its kind of like........ #aghhhh!!!! maybe i should just accept that i'm good for nothing at all!!!!!! #not that great with numbers or formulas. probably not that great at writing either. nor am i as eloquent as i'd like to be ～ #not artistically inclined. science is a bore. not ~ naturally ~ adept with neither languages nor history! psychology! economics! sports! #forgive me for not being able to do anything good at all ... zzz

[xamaxenta]

Suddenly feeling incredibly dysphoric in this chilis tonight

#and like im faking this shit #as usual #i fucking hate gender lmao #i have so little love for physical gender #and outward identity #i just want everyone who ever encounters me to just say it or they or them or that person #at this point im so digusted i dunno if i even want masc pronouns anymore #🙃🙃🙃 when will my suffering end #whenever i die unfulfilled i guess. authentic self what the fuck is that? #the possibility to do anything for myself is extremely low. all the people in this country who are trans cant even get a good job #all the workplaces be like we dont discriminate!!!! yeah you do actually #i hate being closeted i hate existing like this. #i hate feeling like im lying to myself or something. #i hate the concept that if i try to help myself i wont be taken seriously #idk maybe im bitter the psych who was supposed to help me just dropped me and left the country and said theyre not doing online and gave #me no other contact to further whatever this shit is #also im poor so i cant afford insurance that could possibly even begin to cover any of my problems #negative sims symbol lol #➖➖🧍 #is it bad that i more or less think about dying every day????? #its bad right #i dont have suicidal ideation #i just think about it. #idk. i dk idk idkc how to continue fucking living like this

[echo-s-land]

Me: hey I improved ! I don’t have such a black-and-white thinking anymore !

Someone: *has a moral which is the direct opposite of mine*

Me: THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY.

#have you considered you are wrong ? #listen. listen. if you give more importance to objects and memories (loosing them does hurt but listen) than to human life(s) #or animals. I said human life(s) but it's really just lifes in general #i don't like you #'oh but we don't know them. they could be bad people !' so youre gonna let them die. because of a 'what if' #if the situation ever happens to you (and i hope it doesnt) i wonder how you will react when people ignore you asking for help bc #'what if theyre bad ?!' #asd #? #asd problems #autism problems #Autism Stuff #try as long as you want to change my mind im autistic that arent gonna work #not about this at least. sometimes it happens but i need facts #black and white thinking #'youd leave your house to strangers ?' if they need it ? anytime a day. especially since when it is said its not even a house i live in #who needs more than one house anyway. i get it for people going on vacation but if you live in it for a handful of weeks or months a year #why not accept for other people to live in it the rest of the year ? 'but youd have to pay! they wont !' ok. youre really debating with the #wrong person here. idc. if i really cant give them a shelter id be straightforward and they wont push further #if i can then ill ask them to gain a bit of money on their side but ill help sure #ofc itd be better if i learn to know the person/people beforehand #if i can im not letting people die in the street tho #i dont get people prioritizing objects over lifes. i just dont #i was literally raised by a very much nd father telling me 'if someone comes and asks for a shelter - you give it to them' #I- *muffled screams* 'what if theyre bad?' what if i punch you in the face #yeah they might be. they also might not. youre gonna let them die either way ?

[ironmanstan]

i think if i make my neocities site cool enough ill ditch my carrd for real actually

#like i could just. add it as a page on the site. and like i dont wanna link to my carrd AND my website everywhere lol thats dumb #the gamer speaks uwu #coding it is so fun tho its frustrating as fuck bc i forgot how inherently annoying coding is but well its still ok ^__^ #css die and go to hell CHALLENGE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #html my babygirl. javascript my soon to be babygirl idk how to write it really just edit and read through it #like i was obsessed with scratch when i was little and learned it on my own so like that alone already is like #just fully if then statements #if then statements my so beloved theyre so simple i should learn js properly lol #i need to tho i need to integrate the auto post archival script i found into my thing but the js is like #not cooperating with my css . and my css broke lmao #so i have deleted everything and restarted so rn i just have my main page done and the style sheet is in the main html #not ideal ! not ideal at all but it works bb #like see #i want multiple pages and i want to be able to blog here and there to go more in depth about my art if i feel like it #to achieve this i need every page on the site to have the same color palette decor etc #i could one by one update each page to style them individually but if i ever change my layout. i have to update it one by one #and if i make blog posts those are in theory a new page every post as well. so you see this is innefficient and sucks in the long run #easy in the short term or for a small site tho ! #so i need to make a css file to collect everything where i only have to change the css to style every single page on the site linked to it #i had this working for a minute but for some reason my main page wouldnt link to my css file OUT OF NO WHERE ??? #but the js file that formats the blog posts see it has like a specific format for text and everything so they look right #and i think this conflicted with some info in my css file that ALSO specifically formats some text #so it fucked everything up ! #so im right now just with p much an individual page for html and css and im going to start again #copy my css i have right now first of all into an actual css file. link it to the html #then i really really have to scour and gut the script file before implementing it so we dont have everything break again #decent plan i have the energy to do actual work now tho so i wont be doing it until later when i burn out of drawing and need to do smth #tech shid #screaming in the tags

[guubiiz]

trein...

#i want to write beautiful romance of him falling in love again #with some angst as he still loves and cherishes his wife and awaits their meeting once again #but maybe he comes to realize that his wife would want him to be happy... and that is all he feels with you #the heavy guilt.. he doesn't want to leave her and her memory behind #and it leaves him unwilling to pursue you #eventually though... eventually trein would let his guard down #maybe at first he's done nothing but compare you to his lovely wife (not aloud) but he comes to see the two of you are different #but both wonderful in your own ways #maybe it'd just end in him staying as your close friend and confidant.. he feels as though it's wrong to even think about loving someone els #trein is such a complicated character to simp for given his wife #and the fact he is canonically still very much in love with her #would he ever be able to accept the fact he may be falling in love again? #would he be scared that he is betraying her? would he be scared that you could go dying on him too? #omg imagine if he fell in love with you but you've only got so much time left to live.. #the trope of knowing the person you love is going to die.. yet still loving them anyways #makes me so weak! #or knowing that you will return to your world.. between that and his wife.. he decides to leave you be and admire from afar #up late at night talking with the moon (his wife) and asking her what he should do #is she okay with this? would she be angry once they reunited? #or maybe she sends him a message from above and lets him know it's okay to be happy even if it's not with her #he loved her once.. and still does.. but that doesn't mean she's all he ever has to have #trein should be happy even if that means it's not with her by his side #omg and imagine meeting his daughters at one point somehow and they just absolutely adore and fawn over you #they cherish you just as much as he does... and seeing you fit in so well makes him love you all the more.. #theyre trying to set their father up because they want him to experience the joy of love once again #he doesn't have to live in and reminiscence on memories he can still make new ones #maybe you give trein that feeling of youth once again.. and when he first meets you it's like the first time he saw his wife and he has a -- #-- crisis about it #might be going into the WIPS cause i have a million more thoughts on him #all the staff for that matter really. abt to blabber in rb's to this post later

[whimsicmimic]

once again thinking about my post-trimax legato somehow miraculously survives despite everything au and vashgato agenda aka The Worlds Most Miserable Roadtrip

#one of these days ill get back to it #its the fucking. anger and hatred and loathing from legato @ vash #because legato and vashs entire dynamic is fucking #legato has lain down on the tracks. and he doesnt want to be saved. he needs vash to be the train that runs him over. #and then he lives. somehow. he missed his chance to die. #he had no reason to live. his one reason to carry on was for a cause he fully intended to die for and then he couldnt even do that #mirrored by vash. who also went into that confrontation with knives fully intending to not make it out #and now the world is saved! knives failed and now hes gone. and thats a whole fucking thing to unpack for everyone #the fucking anger. the grief. the whole fuckin mess of contradictory emotions that happens as a result of abuse from a family member w vash #fucking Everything wrt legato. the devastation of knowing knives is gone + he failed + legato lived + *vash* lived #the slowwwwwww realization over a long long period of time that legato worshipped the ground knives walked on #but knives only ever regarded legato with like. the same way someone might an ant. a bug. maybe a dog. #legato who only ever wanted to be Seen by knives #and knives who never particularly cared for legato beyond his usefulness #legato who begins following vash because its probably what knives would want + there is truly nothing else on this planet for him. #he has no other reason to live #and vash allowing him out of some sense of pity / resignation + being able to see that theres Nothing left for legato #+ probo some sense of obligation too. of heres another person his brother fucked up. which means hes vash’s responsibility to fix #all the while legato resents vash for living when knives isnt here. resents him for failing to kill him. #resents him for being the only other thing that knives actually cared about + who rejected knives when all legato ever wanted #was knives’ attention #and vash who frankly resents legato too. resents the fact that. of all the people who managed to survive. it was legato and not ww #resents all the shit that legato put him through. all the people he killed all the suffering he inflicted #the two of them looking at each other and the fucking. recognition of the self thru the other #and seeing all the shit they hate about themselves in the other #theres also again the shared grief of them both losing someone incredibly important to them both but who was also responsible for some #abuse to Both of them. unpacking it. working through it. moving forward. #learning How to move forward as a Whole when theyre both two deeply traumatized deeply suicidal fucks who no longer have the singular goals #thatve been their sole reason for existing for the past. many. years. and having to find new reasons to keep living #but most of all. i think they should make out sloppy in the desert thank you goodnight

[queertemporality]

we just truly can't have productive conversations about depression and chronic pain until we recognize the latter's role in causing the former. and obviously the relationship there is significantly more complex than that, but the basic sentiment holds true. i'm always torn between phrasing my experiences in a way that forces doctors to acknowledge this connection, and knowing that in certain cases, admitting to the ongoing presence of any depression or depression-adjacent emotions surrounding my physical health could potentially lead to massive delays in adequate treatment as i embark on the tedious process of proving the absence of any 'mental health issues' in order to have the physical ones taken seriously. like, come on. you know that's not how this works, right?

#post #thankfully not inspired by anything i'm CURRENTLY experiencing and honestly as i've gotten older i encounter this less and less #possibly due to a combination of changes in attitudes by healthcare providers (thank goodness) #and also changes in attitude of my own (i was taken SIGNIFICANTLY less seriously as a child/young adult of course) #i am still kind of mad about my pre-surgical questionnaire a few years ago #when theyre like 'have you ever wanted to die?' i wanted to be like i am in excruciating and untreated pain. do you want the real answer? #or the answer that's going to get me into the operating room without putting me through the rigamarole of performative care #nasty and horrid #like no i don't want to talk to your psychologist about how life is precious #if life is so precious perhaps you should channel more resources into pain management & reproductive health issues #think. on. that. #sorry this is legit traumaposting but i'm also just mad at how the relationship btwn depression/anxiety #and physical issues are discussed... honestly how that relationship is constructed #when you try so hard to split mind from body you end up sounding so so silly

[mxdotpng]

i want to think abt my twinswap more but every time i try to the only mental image i get before laughing is asch chewing at the manor's walls with guy pulling at his coat & luke and sync telling each other to throw themselves out a window while van pulls them along on a leash. like disbehaving children.

#.text #i love thinking abt twinswap luke and sync bc theyre SOOOO funny to ME #luke voice can you stop grinding your teeth together i can hear them breaking from over here. youre so annoying #sync. whos just seen ion again. hey luke quick question if i attacked you right now what would you do. answer quickly #i dont know what to do about him. but i think luke a) knows hes a replica and b) knows he was created to die in asch's place #like the thing abt the god generals is van is like. Very honest with them. he tells sync exactly why he wants him there. #he tells them what his plan is and what he wants them to do. so i think lying to luke wouldnt be right. and especially #in the scenario that luke is like. His. his parsnts arent there. no natalia no guy no king. luke here is a child with no home or family. #so if van told luke straight up that he was created to die. i think he'd be. umm #well not okay with it. hes never okay with it. he does not want to die. but if hes told it would save people and its what hes MEANT to do #then he would understand. the whole meaning of birth thing you know. which is why he doesnt know what to do when #tear saves him. and when he realizes that HIS 'save the world' is different than what van wants to do. #and he doesnt know what hes meant to do again. or who hes meant to be. #but then for asch. i think for him.. maybe that he wants to kill luke. right? for a multitude of reasons- but for very shallow #and surface level reasons. hes trying to make excuses to get rid of luke so he doesnt have to actually think about how hes #scared of not knowing who he is either. or what hes meant to do. #i think asch is too stubborn to actually ever adhere to the score. so if it told him he has to die hed be like fuck that. but #if he was desperate enough to want to know who he is. if there was someone out there whos meant do be doing what HES supposed to do #then who is he really. was he ever luke fon fabre? and then to find out his 'replacement' is That. #theyre still as they were. just. messed up a little. luke isnt a replacement in the sense that he took asch's life. this time he just #took asch's role. which to him would be just as infuriating i think. #oh twinswap au. we're really in it now.