#what a terrible start to my morning

[darby-rowe]

i woke up with such a deep headache, and i’ve been trying to let it go away on its own without having to take medicine but i dont think thats happening 🙃

#🧸; dally speaks #what a terrible start to my morning #i was supposed to drive to my parents house so my dad could change my oil #but thats not happening #ugh i feel like shit #i stg if my coworker got me fucking sick #i truly might have a meltdown

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

and so i return to my roots of eating half a cantaloupe in one sitting

#its so fuckign good... Deliciousness... #*gollum voice* so juicy sweeeeeet!!!! #except yk. instead of a fish its a glorious melon #this morning isnt Great but mmmmm i have a cantaloupe so its not that bad!!! #absolutely unprompted #what will i do today... fold laundry probably. bring in more wood. install my new mattress #oh im so happy to have a new mattress! ive been using the same one since *dial up tone* freshman year!! #so.. about six years. jeebus criminy on a crisis cracker no wonder its uncomfortable #maybe ill work on a crochet project for a bit too #shit ill need to start thinking about christmas presents. ~Its The Most Stressful Time of The Year~ #i need to finish my grampa's lap blanket... figure out what to make for everyone else... #'everyone else' four whole people. two parents and two friends smh #wait no. three people. i just need to finish what ive already started #or start over bc it looks terrible and i feel bad lol

[todayisafridaynight]

tattoo truth prequel lmao

#rgg #ryu ga gotoku #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza series #yakuza like a dragon #yakuza 7 #jo sawashiro #masumi arakawa #snap sketches #this is just a silly unserious comic but i couldve made it serious if i thought hard about it probably #wait what was i saying i forget #oh wait i remember. anyway this is my truth from henceforth until rgg gives me the confirmation i want #its funnier this way.. lol #OH WAIT BUT I WAS SO ENGROSSED DOODLNG THIS I DIDNT DISCLOSE MY TERRIBLE MORNING #so i had a class at 8am right. thats what i and twenty other students thought #i was gonna say kids but... we're all in our twenties..... im gonna throw up ANYWAY #so firstly i accidentally fell back asleep after my morning routine so i woke up at 7:30 and like . i had to speedrun a shower right #and i didnt have time to eat and im just like 'oh god im gonna be late its so bad' and im running to the building #and this building sucks i always get lost in it but i turn the corner and i just see. A Hallway Of Students just waiting #and so i join them and like ten minutes pass so i just start rewatching WotH until by like 8:30 some genius is like #'hey it says the professor's not on campus....' SO WE ALL JUST LEAVE. LIKE THANKS FOR THE NOTICE ASSHOLE i cant wait to drop your class #oh but the best part my id card still doesnt work so as im getting back to my building i see the door like. 25% on its way to closing #so MY unnecessary ass runs across the street to grab the door right before it closes and then i just gotta awkwardly look at the door woman #like <:) hi i live here i promise the universe is just out to get me <:) #anyway.. i have one more class like three hours from now. its spanish so hopefully no biggie #and then after that... i hope my id card works and then ill prob call the bank..... great.... #after that... who knows... maybe ill explode.. ok im done bye LMAO I JUST REALLY WANTED TO TALK BOUT MY DAY #thats the real reason why i mustered the will to finish this sketch i hoarded for weeks. i needed to rant LMAO OK BYE

[skinnypaleangryperson]

You have to love when you've been putting your raw soul, suffering, and hard work into your life every single day daily and the only thing that you wake up for is your raw passion for your art and a lot of it is fanfiction, just to go on Reddit for those fandoms at the end of the day and to see anonymous people say "All I can find is terrible self-insert fanfiction" and knowing that there's a likeliness that they are referring to yours or at least one of them because mine is the longest one within the characters tag

#Yes this is about Rick Sanchez #The story for him that I'm writing is only just getting started and it's obnoxiously long #And the only reason why I get up in the morning #And you can imagine how it feels like for this to be the second fandom in a row where I only get feedback from people posting vaguely on Re #complaining about how the fandom only has what they call terrible fanfiction #I know they probably don't even try themselves and I shouldn't care what they think but mental illness is 🤯🤯🤯 #then that 🫠🫠🫠 #Believe me when I say that the way that I'm ranting about this is the hyper filtered version because this is Tumblr #I am literally beyond finished and devastated in this world has taken absolutely everything from me #Even my will to simply collect myself with art from what the world puts through me #regardless it goes without saying that I hate absolutely everyone and everyone hates me #I don't think it will ever change it's been this way everyday for four dysfunctional years

[mypoorsqheart]

Can everyone just keep reminding Imogen that Thull, part of this fucking plan, killed Laudna?? They killed Orym's family, she killed Laudna, can they stop fucking forgetting that??

#critical role #cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #imogen temult #laudna #orym of the air ashari #also if Laudna could bring it up herself it would be even better #but if not her maybe Ashton #I'm gonna lose my mind #I was hoping that after Laudna very pointedly going to get a drink it might've started a convo #with her and Imogen #ALSO REMEMBER WHAT THEY DID TO THAT PROFESSOR LADY #make a list of daily affirmations to be read each morning of all the terrible things these people have done

[oflgtfol]

IT WAS HEKET. heket was my issue. actually i think it wasnt even heket necessarily i think it was her minibosses that bitch ass gusion took me forever

#anything in the wee hours of the morning count that as the day before bc emotionally. thats what it is #so leshy jan 17th. also the first day i started playing #then TWO DAYS later i got heket on the 19th #then today the 20th i did kallamar and then shamura a few hours later #see like . see! im improving in my combat skills the fact i was able to take down not only two bosses but also like 5 total mini bosses #in the span of a few hours is a lot for me!! #both in terms of my actual combat skills and in terms of how much it mentally frazzles me !! #brot posts #tag later #not tagging this my liveblog tag rn so sorry toe veryone in the main tag. im just rambling now. lol #ive been cooped up all alone in my room for daysssss #actually wait the more i think about it the 18th the day i didnt do any boss #thats also the day when my shit got rocked and i was feeling terrible #so thats probably why i wasnt doing any boss fights #and also i did go to sleep at like 8pm i couldnt really play much that day so . theres also that

[katnissgirlsmakedo]

high school was so crazy actually like you’re there for the longest four years of your life and then you get out and almost immediately you’re like ok. lol. lmao… like that was so stupid

#beth.txt #also unrelated but i got like three hours of sleep this morning so i’m going to be bitter all day #yeah i said ‘this morning’ not ‘last night’ 😐. i was awake at 9am it was terrible #i need to like start taking sleeping pills or something this blows so severely #and i can’t even stay in bed all day about it i have to pack and leave by 7. for the next week #oh my god a week. what if i killed myself. #actually it’s not the end of the world. i’ll have my own car there so if anything starts being too much i can just leave…. #don’t think i can actually go home tho until the week is over. due to holiday traffic #nothing about my extended family is bad enough to make me sit in traffic for more than an hour

[shima-draws]

Oooghhgjgh I can’t settle down please send some asks perhaps? 🙏

#Shima speaks #My anxiety has been through the roof like ALL day for no reason #It just spiked this morning and I’ve been on edge since #Sometimes it does this randomly like it’ll pop in and be like hey surprise!! #Deadass almost had an anxiety attack at the grocery store today. For no reason lol #And as I was driving I could FEEL myself dissociating and I went ‘Welp. That’s probably not Good’ #But actually this might have started bc of allergies #Yesterday I complained to my mom about my allergies being Terrible and she was like well if your current meds aren’t working #You can try Claritin D so I was like okay sure. So she brought in one for me this morning and I took it #And guess what a common side effect of taking this allergy medication is? #Yup you guessed it it’s heightened anxiety baby!!! #That probably just aggravated the constant state of anxiety I’m in already underneath my regular meds so. Lmao #Here we are. My heart won’t stop racing and I’m going to beat it up #ANYWAY I think that’s why it’s so bad today. Could just be one of those days where it chooses to act up for funsies #But I think it’s a side effect of the allergy medication lol #Lies down #Okay anyway sorry for talking your ears off lmao #Now come chat with me so I can talk your ears off more <3333

[byanyan]

ㅤon byan's past experiences with family & the foster care systemㅤ—ㅤas byan's modern verse has effectively become their main verse, at least for the time being, it seems about time to expand a bit on their backstory. in this case, on one of the main sources of their trauma, distrust, & inability to let themself get close to people: their unfortunate history with family.

ㅤbyan doesn't know their birth mother's name (aside from her surname, of course, which they share) and, frankly, they don't care to know. all they've ever known about her is that she put them up for adoption the moment they were born. they've never met her, never spoken to her, and haven't seen her since they were born; why should they want to know anything about someone who never wanted them in the first place?

ㅤthey were actually adopted quite quickly as a baby by a korean couple who were unable to have children of their own, and they were raised by these two for their first few years. however, when the couple was unexpectedly able to have a child of their own, byan fell to the backburner until the couple ultimately decided they couldn't handle two children. thus, byan ended up in a group home for children and was put into the foster care system. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthis would be the first major influence (of many) in the way byan has come to view families. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤbyan doesn't remember the names of these parents. having spent such significant developmental years with them, they only remember the two as "엄마 / mom" & "아빠 / dad" — a fact they've come to hate. it's painful, after all, to only be able to remember people who so easily abandoned you as mom & dad.

ㅤthe first family who fostered them after this, unfortunately, ended up just not being a good fit. byan was only with them for about six months.

ㅤanother couple with several other foster & adopted children took them in when they were about 4. never feeling like they got enough attention with so many siblings though, byan began to act out. eventually, they would become too much of a handful with all the other kids and would end up back in the system.

ㅤby the time they entered elementary school, byan only continued to act out. they were disruptive, caused all assortment of trouble in school and among other kids, which would have them in and out of many foster homes during this time. they were always deemed too difficult to be properly accepted into any family, and their behaviour would only continue to get worse because of it.

ㅤthe first time they ran away from a foster home, they were 8. it was their first experience in an abusive home; the father would regularly beat them for doing or wearing anything he deemed to be "for girls." byan would try everything from hiding what they were doing/wearing/etc. to fighting back. things only got worse with time and, eventually, they couldn't handle it any longer. for lack of any other option, they ran away from home. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤduring this time, they lived on the street, finding themself shelter wherever they could and relying on theft, lies, begging, and the occasional trash rummaging in order to feed themself. after spending a few nights in a homeless shelter several weeks later, they were brought to the attention of a child welfare agency and put back into a group home and, of course, back into the foster care system.

ㅤafter this experience, they would run away from many more homes, though not always because of any abuse. the reasons would vary and, while they were sometimes serious enough to warrant running away, most of the time they weren't. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthis is about the point where it really started to sink in just how unimportant and unwanted they were to the world around them. from here, byan would more or less stop trying to fit in with families who fostered them, deciding it to be pointless, as it wouldn't last.

ㅤat 14 they were kicked out of a home for the first time. byan introduced their foster brother to the world drugs, which was not something the parents were about to tolerate. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthey ended up on the street for a while again here, though they did sneak back into the family's home to collect as many of their own belongings as they could carry (as well as a couple hundred bucks from the spot they knew the parents stashed away spare cash). ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthis was not the last time byan would get into trouble with foster families over drugs, nor the last time they were removed from a home because of it. in some instances, things got violent and, in a few other cases, the families would even call the police on them.

ㅤby the time they're in their teen years, byan has a lengthy record racked up, from problems at school to problems caused with previous foster families, along with trouble with the law and less than positive psych evaluations. naturally, they've found fewer and fewer families willing to foster them over the years as the list of issues has grown and, when a family does take them in, it rarely lasts more than a couple months — often due to byan's own actions.

some other, less specific tidbits:

ㅤthere have been more than just one family who wouldn't acknowledge or accept their gender identity (and sexuality, for that matter). several of these homes were very forceful in their insistence that byan is a boy and should look and act like it. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤthat said, they have also had plenty of homes that were very accepting and supportive of them and their identity.

ㅤthey have had a few foster parents who have tried to give them an english name. much as byan hates the name yeong-hwan, they still prefer it to any of the bs these parents tried to stick them with. ㅤㅤㅤㅤ»ㅤsimilarly to above though, they have also had families who have tried learning to speak korean and/or learning to cook korean meals in an effort to make them feel more at home.

ㅤbyan has had several physical altercations with foster families — most of the time with foster siblings, but they've gotten violent with a few of their foster parents as well. many of these they caused themself, but several instances have merely been them responding & simply defending themself.

#ok here u go here are all the thoughts my brain decided were more important than sleeping this morning #it's important to note that not all their experiences with foster families have been terrible; they've had good people who genuinely #wanted to help them & give them a stable home #but the unlucky downward spiral from such a young age has impacted them so severely that like. when they DO find something good... #they ruin it for themself before anyone else can (because they firmly believe it's never going to end well & at least it hurts less when #they're the one who wrecks everything. 'you can't leave me if i leave first' and all that) #literally they were just so fucking unlucky right from the start & it snowballed over the years #that's what it comes down to (': #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ HEADCANON ⋮ DANGER IN THE FABRIC OF THIS THING I MADE. #abuse cw #child abuse cw #transphobia cw #homophobia cw #drug use cw #drugs cw #ask to tag if i missed anything!!

[loregoddess]

you know, for the most part my asthma is very under control and not too much of a bother, but heavens forbid some dust gets blown around by high winds and then I get sick with a chest cold bc my immune system was too busy causing allergies over the dust instead of doing its actual job and then I can barely go up or down a flight of stairs without losing my breath

#something fun to bring up ay my next visit to a specialist I guess #I am having a terrible time breathing #luckily I only get chest infections once every like 5 years or more but still #when I get them I am in misery #I feel kinda bad for snapping at my managers for trying to keep me at work when I demanded to be sent home #but considering how much worse I am now than I was this morning it's probably for the best #WHY managers of food places want to keep sick employees around their food and customers I will never understand #although considering that ''I like my coworkers and regulars a whole lot'' is the only thing keeping me at my job #like...the threat of getting fired isn't a threat what am I gonna do go down the street and get a similar job paying me more money? #anyhow I'm so tired of being sick I spent the beginning months of last year sick #and I don't want to spend this year's start sick as well #it's annoying to have to call out of work bc I have to do it in such a way to avoid the ''get someone to cover you'' BS #which means getting my ass up at the crack of dawn to call out every single shift #also I don't like being unable to really DO anything bc I feel too shitty to do anything #I'm just tired #sorry for the long rant I just needed to get this out of my system at least #oracle of lore

[david-watts]

well. may not be able to eat tonight lmao

#can't go into the kitchen without being hit #because I refuse to eat meat that had gone grey #by the way. she'd said she was throwing it out that morning? and now denies ever saying that? #and she's denying trying to salvage the mouldy food outta the compost #I'm. I'm scared. #I think I know why this is happening and. nothing's gonna happen because she's stubborn and my m*ther's not in a position to deal with it #but for now? I can't eat. I can't afford to eat. I also can't afford to lose what I started cooking and #since she's started washing up aka refusing to fucking leave the kitchen so I can't get my food #well! that might happen #not had a good week. first I had centrelink calling me being vague and not sending me any alerts about it til AFTERWARDS #sent me into a panic attack since. well. yeah. #had to deal with that today and I'm stressed about WHY they needed my id #slept terribly the last few nights. might be because of that #running outta money again

[notquiteaghost]

feels like a very heavy-handed metaphor that i put down a book about how generational trauma is inescapable to walk the dog, who nothing bad has ever happened to, and i had to keep him leashed the whole time because when i walk him by myself he runs off ahead to fend off any approaching dog he doesn't like the look of with a snarling ferocity that is genuinely frightening

#yelling at clouds #last time i dogsat he was not this bad #but this morning he fully bared his teeth at. an elderly greyhound. who had not even looked at him funny. #he's not just overprotective #he's either a terrible judge of other dogs or he's picking up on my worry abt him hurting other dogs n very much misinterpreting it #anyway. yes i started reading Emotional Inheritance in my parents' house. what of it.

[clockworkflicker]

me: wouldn’t it be wild if a girl flirted with me at the farmer’s market this morning?

a girl at the farmer’s market: *flirts with me*

me: wait shit hold on fuck

#panic.png #what is going on. i rolled out of bed this morning and went straight there. it's humid out and i look terrible #there was a loooooooong line at the bread stand and the girl in line behind me just started chatting me up about birds???? hello?????? #and then asked for my number???????

[mayonakano-archive]

i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.

#delete later #vent in tags #anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s #given that i. almost never cry :) #i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming #at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.) #im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real #desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man #sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it. #college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact #that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed #i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents #whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but... #stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work... #so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away #because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing? #no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class #entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless #i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more #than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it. #ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...

[wine-dark-soup]

Arf

#It's 🤌 the sudden realization living alone is terrible for you #My mom visited and left this morning #I was feeling so great even stopped having insomnia (that i had non stop since august) #(Btw you never realize how tired you are until you sleep soundly for 4 days and feel Normal again) #The weather is probably helping too but thats not just that #And now im alone again in the house and the minute she left i felt i was starting to drift again #Im a freelancer #I work from home so i dont even have work relationships #And depression really fuels itself like if i start being tired again if it stop sleeping again #I will be too tired to go out and i will remain Isolated #Which is pretty much what happened since august #I literally dont know how to form Solid relationships too and not just like having a nice chat with people i'll see once or twice #It's terrible bc i am Not as depressed as before so i am perfectly aware of the tools i can use and i remember feeling so strong #When i was declared 'healed' a few months back. Like it was true and i was about to seize the opportunity #But it was like; snatched from me and it IS even more depressing somehow. It was just here you know? #Idk; idk. I hope i'll keep sleeping so i can go out at least but i am really feeling hopeless and uuuh #Ill-fated? #To the point im on the verge of crying #EDIT WRONG BLOG not that it matters i just wanted to get it off my chest #Adding this too - i immediately started bad habits again. Like playing games in the evening. Bc what else is there to do when you cant ' #'Parallel play' with your mom in the living room? Chill while shes watches a show #? #Just chat with her (or anyone else)? #I have no interest in watching tv on my own i just wouldnt focus except if im 200% into it #So being alone in the living room is at best boring at worst anxiety inducing. Im just there. Waiting for something #So before it becomes unbearable i hurry nack to my bedroom and check my phone or go on a game #See what i mean?

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

#ive been having... strange health problems? #i hate health problems because i hate hospitals and doctors and most things of that sort #(ive had my fair share of bad experiences with health professionals) #(btw when i share this here im not looking for a diagnosis. just venting about my bad body and dislike for doctors) #okay so the wackest thing: this summer (working at summer camp) i had the strangest thing happen? #in the morning i was flapping (fun stim for me) bcuz i got to teach something i liked. but then it was hard to stop #and from then on i kept flapping and shaking and like. tensing in my neck and shoulders? and i couldn't stop it #so i was uncontrollably shaking and moving and kind of. seizing i guess? #and i was stuttering to the point of not being able to hold a conversation or even talk really #the only thing i could say clearly was 'fuck!' which is kinda funny ngl #i went to the health lodge and they gave me ibuprofen because the tensing was giving me a bad headache and they didnt know what else to do #after taking the ibuprofen and lying down for an hour my soul stopped trying to escape #but that was obviously very perplexing! #and also. i have medicine. going off of this medicine cold turkey can be very bad for me #some fun side effects have been: dizziness. sleepiness. zoning out/difficulty concentrating. difficulty speaking #just all around makes it miserable and hard to function. i looked it up and it may be a focal aware seizure caused by withdrawal #and thats kind of what ive been going off of. it is likely a focal aware seizure because thats a side effect and my symptoms match #but then it started happenig even when I'd been consistently on my meds #i remember one night (at camp) i had a really terrible seizure? i could barely function or stay alert.i felt like i was only half conscious #and two nights ago it happened again. and at least once weekly for the last month or so. it doesnt last more than 15-30 minutes #but its miserable. and i kind of want answers and help but id rather die than go to a doctor. i don't feel like ill be taken seriously #i know that if i go to a doctor it wont ve an easy process if they take me seriously and try to figure it out. and itll suck if they dont #i hate when this happens. it feels like death and i dont want it to keep happening #even though im kind of getting used to it im always afraid of when itll happen or if itll get worse #or if something like the stuttering+seizing will happen again. that was terrible. a friend brought me lunch and stayed while i ate #cuz he was afraid id choke. he made me go to the health lodge and made me rest and i owe that asshole a lot. hes a great friend #it was scary especially since i dont know what caused it! the health officers didnt knowand just said if it got worse i should go to the ER #this is scary but tbh i might be more scared to seek answers or treatment #god i hate doctors. and hospitals. and anything medical. i didn't even want to see the damn camp health officers but my friend made me #idk what to do or anything i just wanted to complain cuz this is miserable