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#we move lightly
fanaticforlife · 8 months
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Victoria & Melbourne - Goodbye, Lord M
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"And you can have music, whenever you want."
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My knowledge of Vtubers starts and stops with Kizuna Ai. The only reason I know of most big VTubers is because I genuinely am fascinated in the way model rigging works and because two singers I followed YEARS ago are now Vtubers (AmaLee and Bao The Whale)
With that being said, watching Nijisanji make the biggest PR mistake of their life over the past week has been the funniest shit ever. Like GODDAMN. I have learned more about the financial instability of this one company in three days than I ever have since the dawn of Vtubers. I have never been interested Vtubers before (aside from the two mentioned above cause I watched them when I was like 14), this situation alone has made me want to consume so much VTuber material.
Anyway good luck and great wishes on Doki's come back to the internet.
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cappucosmico · 1 month
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dragon's okay btw he just had a 280 dollar shitting and vomiting event. making my life flash before my eyes etc. vets just cost obscene amounts to look at your cat for a second and say "Yeah he looks about alright"
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mr dipshit right after a vet visit HE CAUSED!!!
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insomniaticvoids · 4 months
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You know I think it's wack how Capcom just glosses over thr fact that in RE6 Chris gets full blown I can't remember anything amnesia and you know even if one gains back memroi3s the on going identity crisis that does ensue with gaining memory that you know "you've" lived trough. Like man I'd love to see that touched on more in future installments of the game but know it'll never occur probably.
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adammilligan · 2 years
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see the thing about michael is that he’s one of the most powerful beings in all of existence right. if he doesn’t want to be moved he will not be fucking moved. he’s literally THEE fucking wall that people crash into. he WILL just stand there and mow down anyone in his path and not bat an eye about it. HOWEVER. if he and adam were joking around and adam gave him a friendly little shove he would let himself be shoved. he would let himself be moved. i think that’s what midam’s all about really
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tonyglowheart · 11 months
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last night in this house... sleeping on air mattresses... still have leftover bits of stuff to move out in the morning.... so odd
#personal#rip bc the other house we were gonna move into is uninhabitable lmao#the tenants uhh lowkey trashed it 8)#like. the walls are coated in mysterious residue#all floors are dirty some are weirdly sticky#just random weird things are broken- they fucked up several blinds one of which looks like. some animal chewed on the string or sth 8)#so yeah we were gonna like clean and lightly redo some stuff but it needs a full remodel#so we don't know where we're gonna live for a bit 8)#maybe a hotel but all of the larger extended stay suites are apparently already booked#and the former tenant is after my parents to return their full deposit. bro the place looks like a before in a fixer upper home remodel sho#they were like we lived here 7 yrs paid you xxxxxx in rent probably paid half your mortgage (as a reason to return their full deposit)-#bro that's just the agreement you made when renting not a favor you're doing... like you left the place nowhere near same or similar#condition. and the sheer amount of damage canNOT be 'regular tear and wear'#it's a fuckton of tear and wear at best#like. random shelves and bits inside the fridge are broken too#we lived in our current house like 9 yrs or sth and yeah it's worn down but there isn't trashed blinds and gross residue everywhere#they apparently paid a cleaner but there's only so much a cleaner can do lol like you gotta just knock it back and redo it#the buyers of this place were being annoying too lmao they came on Monday for what we thought slash were told was a walkthru#but like obv we hadn't finished moving out yet cuz today was the big move...#and they brought their agent and a contractor and we like let them look around and answered q#and then today. they had the gall. to insist they be let in for a 'real' walk thru tmr at 7am#7am??#also bro we're not done moving out fully yet and tbh we won't be at 7am tmr!#anyway we pushed back bc wtf they literally already came thru several times the guy even wanted a second inspection and he came here for it
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kithtaehyung · 1 year
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so apparently “like crazy” is based on or was inspired by a movie of the same name? saw smth about that and damn.. if y’all haven’t heard the soundtrack to it, i highly recommend listening. there are some gems on there, especially if you need angst inspo.
idk just imagining jimin listening to this song alone is making me feel a lot of things.
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WHY are there still days where it’s in the 80s in tHE MIDDLE OF OCTOBERR
#............climent charnge............... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#it is supposed to FINALLY get like.. a little cooler later this week BUT that's happened before#like a few days of 60-70F weather then right back to 80s#the cooler weather now is projected to start friday. wwhich is october 21st!!!!!!!#thats like over half of the entire month that was spent in the high 70s mid/low 80s still like......HEWWo#It does get cooler at night now at least. like at 1am it's more like 50F instead of only getting down to 68 or something#but... like even in the PEAK afternoon sun hours I just feel like it should never be 85F in mid october#It also hasn't rained in probably 4+ months lol#there was a time like 2 weeks ago that it rained for maybe a few hours lightly. and then I think 3 weeks before that it rained for maybe an#hour. but still weirdly rare#I was promised a cool moderate rainy climate when I first moved here by people I was talking to who had lived here a while#i wonder if they even sell those '~~ oo it's so rainy in oregon~~' type tourist merch anymore or if they've removed it from#all the stores. I used to see a lot of like shirts or mugs that said stuff like that maybe 10 years ago but now all#the merch is probably just like 'dont fucking come here please i beg you dont fucking come here we dont even have a dunkin#donuts and it gets to like 105F+ in the summer now fuck off take this mug and fucking run'#''it doesnt rain here anymore than it does in plenty of other places we are not an outlier also fires are getting worse and we're#uncomfortably close to like fault lines or some shit if you dont get out in 2 years were all going to die in an earth quake#white hipsters with dreads handing you weird pamphlets on public transportation are the least of your worries turn back NOW'#'if youre not a hiking loving SUV having middle class liberal with 5 dogs who loves driving like 2 hours to the plain looking#beach like 10 times a month for no fucking reason and socializes exclusively through late dinner meetings at gentrified hipster foodie bars#with weird gimmics and subpar food then fuck off. take your tourist shirt and get out. youre better off whetever you are now.'#*whereever#ANYWAY..#We better randomly have a fluke winter where it snows like 5 feet + or something or else I'm going to go crazey hhh#something must compensate for the endless summer.. the people need retribution. if the winter sucks at least give every household#like $5000 and free installation of actual central heating and air system as a thanks for staying here lol.
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avatardoggo · 2 years
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_(:3 」∠)_
#so today marks a week (?) form when i called my (ex) best friend and she didn’t answer and i left a voicemail and ofc she didn’t answer that#not like i was expecting her to but yk a gal can dream so ya ig we’re not friends anymore. surprisingly i haven’t cried about (yet ik myself#i’ll cry but i thought it’d be sooner than later)#and i was talking to a mutual friend and she asked if i wanted her to talk to her for me and i decided no bc if she wanted to she would yk?#like it’s not by force and if she wants to be a coward and just act like our friendship meant nothing than i can’t control that i can voice#my hurt and pain but if that doesn’t move her than at least i said something right? it just succs bc i don’t use the term best friend let#alone friend lightly like we did commissions together with our fav characters like multiple!! like i don’t do that with just anyone#i have a poster in my room of a drawing my sister did for her christmas present last year that i colored and printed and and I GAVE HER MY#COPY OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS THAT I WROTE A BUNCH OF NOTES AND AND A LOVE LETTER LIKE IVE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE AND AND#i told her about my social anxiety and ocd which i haven’t told Anyone (besides you guys <3) and not even my family knows and she can’t even#return my calls or texts and it’s like a slap in the face like it meant nothing to her like i opened up sm and it’s like it meant nothing to#her like i’m nothing i’m just this person that was convenient to be friends with but now IDK BC SHE WONT TALK TO ME#ok now i’m tearing up now and if i start crying it’ll be gross and noisy and i don’t want to cry rn#vk overshares in the tags
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shoeshineyboy · 2 years
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I remember my friend legit 10 years ago saying I had an aura of “don’t touch me ever” and honestly this dude understood me on a level that no one else ever has. he’s right. don’t touch me Ever
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archived-and-moving · 2 years
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i keep wishing i could have romantic success stories to share with the gay people in my phone and my brain goes "psst you could maybe have one if you actually talked to anyone you had a crush on ever" shut up brain
Yeah I definitely understand that.
It kinda sucks that we can't all be really successful, but it's good to remember that everyone sort of has their own pace.
I think that's why it bothers me that people say "you're too young to know you're _____" because a. No one knows me better than I do.
and b. ....you might have been to young, but other people might not be.
You might talk about your crush at your own pace. You might approach at your own pace. You might also pine forever, and that's okay.
Personally I take a long time to fall, I know that. Pretty sure it's part of my upbringing but again, that's okay.
Take your time. What's really the success story is that you're living in your life and you're growing up and experiencing pleasant feelings.
I mean, as pleasant and scary and nerve-wracking as a crush can be.
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orcelito · 2 years
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Thankfully the only injury I got was the leg bruise.. but that wasn't even from the shipment lmao. I was trying to find smth from our storage room to prop the hallway doorway open with & there is this like.... idk, INCREDIBLY heavy box of like. Linoleum tiles I think?? It's only like a foot squared by like six inches high. Not very big but oh LORD it's heavy. Perfect for propping a door open!
Or so I thought. Got down in a crouch, gave it a hefty lift... but that thing Has to be like close to a hundred pounds bc I can lift 50 pounds with ease. I lifted it, but it was still Way Too Much. So I fumbled it, & it hit my leg as I dropped it to the ground.
I went and found a smaller box of coconut milk that was MUCH lighter & used that to prop the door open instead lol
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toherlover · 1 month
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it’s 2:30am in nyc and i just heard THUNDER. i missed that soft rumble so much:,) i was ticked i couldn’t fall asleep but then i heard that and suddenly its like i stayed awake for a reason
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carcinizing · 6 months
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my whole family thinks i hate hugs and being touched when i actually love that very much because i really don't like the way my mom touches me if i let her. and i cant just tell her that she's the only one not allowed to touch me
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hoshigray · 7 months
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𝐑𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐓𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 | nanami kento
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𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: dom! Nanami x fem/afab! reader - nipple play - hair pulling - doggy style + deep impact positions - restricted movements (using his tie on your hands) - overstimulation - pet names (angel, baby, love, sweetpea) - clitoral play - orgasm denial.
𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞: Oops, I did it again. Nanami being rough with his hands on your body. That's it, that's the tweet. Smthn quick thanks to MAPPA serving good food to the nanami fanatics on this week's ep
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We all know Nanami Kento would treat his partner with the utmost care. There is no man you can put your entire faith in when it comes to your body than him. He's always perfect with you. Checking up on you to see if you're okay, rubbing circles on your back to calm you down from a haze, wiping tears on your face whenever he makes you feel so goddamn good. And let's not forget the kiss on the forehead he places so gently as he fucks you lovingly.
In terms of lovemaking and treating your body right, Nanami is undeniably the perfect candidate…
…However, there will occasionally be those moments when you’d want him to be just a tad rough with you. Nothing wrong with the soft, cutesy shit. No, no, you love it!  But let’s face it; when you have a man who looks so deliciously alluring to the eye, with his broad shoulders and strong forearms that peek from his dress shirt, you can’t blame your mind for indulging with wilder thoughts. Especially when you express said thoughts to him.
And he listens to your request with his absolute attention. He’ll ask for confirmation before he does anything rash. And when you give him the green flag, your fate is sealed for the rest of the night. 
“—Ggaahhh!! Ahaahnn!! Ken–Kentooo, you’re going—OhmyGod, OhmyGoood—“
“Shhh, don’t squirm too much, love.” He’ll whisper to your ear so hotly you nearly fall to your knees had it not been for his leg between yours, essentially making you ride his sturdy thigh. Your back pressed up against his abdomen while his hands roamed your body. One hand in your shirt, slipping your bra up to release your breast from the material, and for his hands to knead and play with your mounds. The other stuffed down your shorts and passed your panties, his fingers intimately close to your hot, wet folds. And you jerk when his ring finger presses down on your clit.
“Ahooo! Kento, stop, stooop!!” You don’t want him to stop — he knows you don’t want him to stop. “I’m gonna cum, it’s gonna happen—Nnnnmm!!!” He tweezes your nipple roughly, evoking an erotic shriek. 
“You better come on me,” he demands you. Oh, how he sounds so hot when he does that. “Make my hand filthy like you, baby.”
But that’s only the beginning. Wait until you two move into the bedroom with his pelvis rutting onto the cusp of your ass. Face down to the pillow and ass up for Nanami to station you, and his hand in your hair, lightly tugging it. Sweat shields your body and glistens from the bedroom lights, your hands tied behind your back by his necktie. You’ve left with nothing to stand your ground, forced to take in his cock that churns your inner walls. And, God, it feels so fucking good. 
“How’re you feeling there, angel?” Nanami, his pants and tie discarded with his shirt no longer buttoned up. The fingers in your hair massage your scalp. “Hmm? Are you feeling good?”
“…Uhhaaa—Ohohhh!” There’s no way you could give him a proper response in a position like this. Your head is so far gone that all you can think about is the commotion between your legs. The deeper he grinds his cock into your chasm, the deeper you sink into your blissful fog. Your hips begin to move involuntarily at this point; it just feels too exhilarating to stop! 
However, attending to your bliss has its faults, especially when you’re not paying attention to the man making you feel this way. Because Nanami pulls your hair, forcing your face upright from the pillows. You cry at the sudden yank, exposing the drool and tears that trickle down your pretty face.
“You know better than that, Y/n.” His serious voice is on, your cunt twitches around his length. “I need your words to let me know how good you’re feeling.”
“Ahck—Mmmm…S’ too good, Kentooo. Y’ make me feel so good. So fucking—Ahannn…good….” did you mean for your words to slur? Who cares. Just don’t stop; please keep it going. Please, please, please—
Nanami chuckles at your words and lets your face fall back to the pillow. “Good.”
But don’t think the fun stops there. Nope. It just keeps getting better. 
With your hands still tied, you now lie on your back to the comforter while he pistons his cock into you, one of your legs now on his shoulder to get a better angle to hit your sweet spots accurately. The wails you let out are uncontainable — there’s no point in stopping them from flying out your mouth. Your bottom lip is puffy from how much you’ve bitten it this entire time, and more tears fall to your neck.
Nanami looks at your expressions intently, mocha eyes never leaving your gorgeous face. It’s here that he finally withdraws his shirt and fucks you nude, sharing this intimate heat and passion with you. And, lord, he looks so fucking good right now. His tidy golden hair now with strands sticking to his forehead, sweat shared between your naked bodies, and his beautiful brown orbs taking you in like you’re the greatest treasure in the world. 
“Ohhfuck, ohhhfuuckin—Ohhh!!!” Oh, God. With the way the tip of his cock precisely hits and scrapes your tender spots, you can feel your climax coming to get you. “Kento, Ken–Nnmphh, I’m gonna, I’m gonna—“
And then it vanishes. It didn’t come. Why? Because Nanami immediately removes his length from your slick-coated slit, the electrifying tingles in your body subside in seconds. Of course, you whine to him with doe, tearful eyes. So cruel. He’s so just cruel, but you love it.
“Mmmm, sorry, sweetpea.” You know he’s not sorry. The tiny mischievous glint in his eyes is telling. “Let me hear you beg for it first, the I’ll give my baby what they want.”
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© 𝐇𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲2023 — dividers from @/animatedglittergraphics-n-more
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gallusrostromegalus · 7 months
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The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season
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I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.
...I might need to back up a bit.
My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.
They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.
Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.
My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.
Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.
It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.
It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.
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If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.
It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.
My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.
On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.
Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.
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As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.
The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.
Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.
I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.
You all know this song already.
...but in case you've forgotten the tune:
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Yeah.
The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.
It does not play this song at a normal volume.
Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.
Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.
...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.
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So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.
It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.
There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.
Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.
Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.
I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.
The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.
It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.
I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.
While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.
Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.
I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.
I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.
Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.
It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.
I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.
The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.
We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.
I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.
The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.
I look down at myself.
In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:
Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.
Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.
The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.
A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.
The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.
The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.
My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.
A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.
The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.
I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:
The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.
This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.
The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.
I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.
"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"
The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.
$6.66
"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.
I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.
It also turns on the music player.
I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.
Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.
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