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amwritingmeta · 4 years

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15x04: Lucky Them

Wow. Davy Perez has this knack of bringing it, and this time was no exception. Icing on the cake was the delight at having Jensen directing again!

We got a glimpse of Benny (happy not to have more) (however much I love his character, he’s fulfilled his purpose in the narrative in beautiful ways that I don’t really need extrapolated on) (anyway) and we got Becky back, with some real character progression to juxtapose Chuck’s alpha and omega of douchebaginess.

The more of a douche connected to dark and horrible endings Chuck is, the more hopeful I become of the opposite heading our way. *fingers crossed* :)

The best line that Becky delivered was about how she’s carved out a good life for herself and she actually likes herself now. That’s character growth right there. She found what would truly make her happy and she built on it. Bless you, Becky, you’re one of the lucky ones! Sorry you got smoked. :/

But let’s move into the meat of the story (pardon the pun) and talk about Sam and Dean and how they are simply not dealing at the moment. Either of them.

*e p i c*

Sam

Oh Sam. Sam is having nightmares and they’re of the callback kind, because here we get a glimpse of how he’s still not processed his choice to drink that demon blood, how he still carries the self-blame and the guilt and the fear of losing his tightly held control of himself around with him, even to this day. Because, as he will state in that gorgeous (and seriously tear-jerking) end-of-the-ep exchange with Dean: he can’t let it go.

But letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. Letting go means understanding that you can’t change the past, that you can’t live in a blame bubble and that carrying that guilt for choices that you wouldn’t repeat now, if put in the same situation, is toxic for the mind because it hollows out your sense of self.

Moving on means gaining perspective enough to forgive yourself your past mistakes, trust yourself not to repeat them and gain actual control of yourself through understanding where your boundaries need to be drawn and drawing them for yourself.

It sounds easy (it’s not), but if Sam can just see how strong he truly is in himself, how strong he always has been - he held Lucifer and went into the cage with him and was tortured by the Devil himself and he’s still standing - then he can begin to trust himself not to ever let the past repeat itself.

I loved that the images of Sam with black eyes was a nightmare. Does this mean it’s not foreshadowing? I don’t know! Maybe Sam needs to face his demons through a visual manifestation, but I think an internal gradual moving away from this fear of losing control could be just as effective. We shall see!

Sam daring to take the leader position is one of the ways him dealing with this fear can be, and has already been, explored, because he’s been happy for Dean to take the lead for so long because of his fear of losing control of himself, of hurting people, of hurting the ones he loves and, of course, hurting Dean, that he’s been okay with second chair, but Sam is the born leader and that second chair has never really fit him all that well.

He just has to accept that happiness, while in the life, is always going to be shadowed by the fact that people will die, that they can’t save everyone, that monsters will continue to roam the Earth, but that they’re doing what they can to make the world just a little bit better each day, and that’s all that we can ever hope to do. Like Cas once said to Dean: “You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though you try.”

Dean

Dean eats his emotions. This is what is known as an unhealthy coping mechanism, meaning that instead of actually acknowledging and dealing with whatever emotion he’s feeling that’s causing him distress, he pushes that emotion down and because of him suppressing it, the emotion finds an unhealthy behavioural outlet.

This is also a form of self-punishment.

Guilt, shame and regret are all powerful emotions that cause a person to have an unconscious need to self-punish. And what emotions are Dean feeling at this very moment, ever since he pushed so hard at the love of his life that the love of his life finally decided to put his foot down and leave?

Yeah. I’d venture there’s a fair amount of all of those emotions battling it out inside Dean. What I love most about it, though, is that yes, he’s eating the entire episode, but he only takes a sip out of that flask. Meaning? That this is unhealthy coping, but at least it is just that: coping.

He’s not being self-destructive in a putting himself in harms way, let the chips fall where they may sort of self-destructive. He’s not taking care of himself, obviously, because he doesn’t feel he deserves it, because of the aforementioned guilt, shame and regret, but he’s also not taking unnecessary risks. His sense of hopelessness, of his chance for happiness being gone, is subtle and is only highlighted in that end-of-the-ep exchange with Sam.

Oh, it’s enough to send shivers down your spine. And jerk them tears, too. *iCry*

Through that exchange we also get a Dean who is determined to keep going, to find a reason to keep going, which, to me, means there’s still slight hope that Cas will find his way back to him again. That this isn’t the end at all. Dean just doesn’t know exactly what he can do to ensure it isn’t.

I would think it would be absolutely beautiful if what Dean needs to do is drop the fast food and eat some fruit, you know? If he actually starts to do little things of self-care that show he’s actually beginning to open up to forgiving himself his past mistakes and loving himself as he is. The moment Dean can believe he deserves Cas’ love is when he’ll be able to actually see Cas and see that he might mean as much to Cas as Cas does to him. And once that door begins to open…

Yah. Fireworks.

Anyway, that’s just what I’d love to see happen.

Cas’ self-worth has clearly sky-rocketed, demonstrated to us when he decided to leave that Bunker and Dean’s emotional abuse behind, effectively telling Dean that he deserves better treatment than that. Like hell yes.

This action was so necessary, not only for Cas’ sense of self-worth, but to bring Dean into a position where he honestly has no choice but open himself up to some much needed self-reflection.

Dean needs to reflect on his own behaviour, and he should feel guilt and shame and regret, but without getting defensive about it, without pushing it down and pretending he’s fine with it. He has to actually face the consequences of his actions and step up and take responsibility for how his usual behaviour of taking his emotions (his anger) out on those closest to him is harmful, and he needs to become self-aware enough to not engage in it anymore.

Time to grow up, Dean Winchester, you beautiful man!

Let’s take a look at the end-of-the-ep exchange, shall we?

End-of-the-Ep Exchange

So we get the brothers, in the Impala, having one of those heart-to-hearts that Baby seems made for half the time. In this place of safety there’s room for honesty, always. And they usually find their way to it around her.

*still worried something will happen to Baby by the end of the season as a visual manifestation of them letting go of needing her to have this type of communication as well as moving on from the past and into the future but omg I hope nothing does and still I kinda hope something does gah*

Anyway.

I’m skipping into the meaty part of this exchange (okay stop with that pun already it’s already old) Fine.

Dean talks about how he felt like cashing out in the crypt after Chuck went all Apocalypse World 55.1 on their asses, but Sam brought him out of that line of thinking by reminding him that what they do matter. And Dean is all about picking Sam up, has been trying to for the whole episode, wanting to do the same for Sam that Sam did for him, of course, and remind him that what they do matter, because they save lives.

And a little more than that.

They keep the blinds down for the rest of the world, right? They allow for people to live their white-picket-fence lives and never worry about what goes bump in the night, which is what Sam has been so fed up with for the entire episode: the hopelessness of their situation; because there will always be more monsters, no matter what they do, and people will die, no matter how many they save.

To the exchange, then –>

Dean: ‘Cause it is, you know, It’s a crap job. We do the ugly thing so that people can live happy. Sam: Yeah. Lucky them. Dean: Yeah, lucky them.

So Sam’s reaction here can be read whichever way you like it, really, but looking at the subtext of the exchange - which, for Dean, is un-subtly all to do with Cas - Sam’s reaction tied to Dean agreeing that the people who get to live happy are lucky can very well be seen as Sam reacting to Dean letting his guard down and admitting that, yes, happy sounds good, happy sounds nice, and he wouldn’t mind a bit of happy for himself.

What’s more mind-blowing about this admittance, to me, has to do with the Cas-subtext of the exchange, though, because that’s for us, the viewers, who understand that when Dean talks about moving on, that’s a signal for us - who witnessed that very private moment between Dean and Cas in the previous episode - to get where Dean’s head is at.

So when Dean very subtly agrees with Sam about how living a long and happy life (and I’m paraphrasing Mildred because relevant) would be good, we can detect that there’s a deeper reason for why it’s not only monsters and death keeping Dean from living it.

And, what’s more, the fact that he puts into words that he wants to live a long and happy life is a huge, huge marker, at least to this meta writer, of how far he’s come in his progression, because he wants it and he’s not about to lie to himself that he doesn’t, but, by that same token, he still does not believe he deserves it and he can’t see himself ever having happiness, which is part of why he’s been self-punishing himself the entire episode, because it’s this incapability of accepting happiness when it’s right there that made him push Cas away and it’s a vicious, vicious cycle of lack of self-love and self-worth.

(jaysusssss very beautifully done)

And look at Dean’s FAAAACE ^^^

And Sam is still reacting to all this because what? – did Dean just admit that he doesn’t want the Blaze of Glory ending for himself? (and yeah with Cas having left I’m pretty sure Sam is hyper aware of the possibility that Dean is actually, in his own way, admitting that a future without Cas looks pretty bleak to him)

Back to the exchange where Dean says all these amazing, amazing things –>

Dean: But it doesn’t change a thing. You know what I mean? We still do the job, but we don’t do it for us. We do it for Jack, for mom, for Rowena. We owe it to anyone who’s ever given a damn about us to put one foot in front of the other. No matter what.

And let me pause for a moment there and just have us all look at what exactly he is saying here, because, oh boy, is it telling of how he just has not reached a healthy place in any shape or form. Now, in a way, this is healthier than digging himself a hole and lying in it, yeah? Absolutely.

It’s that “fake it” mentality of S7 all over again and I’d rather he be here, with a glimmer of hope (I always thought you’d come back type of hope with that trench coat in the trunk of every car they drove that season), and finding a reason to keep going, than be in that dark place he was in during his grief!arc at the start of S13, when he couldn’t believe in a damn thing and he didn’t care, at all, what happened to him, BUT there is still that echo here, which is why it’s such an unhealthy frame of mind for him to cling to.

They don’t have a purpose in life for themselves, they find it through others.

No.

It brings us right back to what he said to Sam at the end of 13x20: I don’t really care what happens to me, I never have.

And what he told Death in 14x05: I don’t matter.

This attitude is the reason why he can’t move out of this perpetual state of not believing he deserves more. That he deserves everything.

And this is what’s keeping him from daring to want more for himself, daring to feel how much more he does want for himself, because every time he’s dared to want more, it’s come crashing down around him. His fear of happiness runs extremely deep.

It’s time to face it and let go of it and embrace the fact of how his life and how he chooses to live it benefiting others is a great gift, but him giving that gift also means he has every right to balance the giving out with a bit of receiving.

*please and thank you*

Of course, all of this is underlined in what he says next –>

Dean: And hey, man, like you said, now that Chuck’s gone, we’re finally on our own. We are finally free to move on, you know?

And the way this is phrased, so brilliantly, of course makes it impossible not to see it as a subtle reveal of what Dean is thinking about Cas leaving: without Chuck pulling Cas’ strings, Cas was finally free to make the choice to leave.

But this is also tied to what Dean needs to stop getting hung up on, because he’s purposefully blocking out what Cas said, which is that for all his string-pulling, Chuck still had to pivot with their choices. He didn’t control those. He manipulated them, sure, but he didn’t force them into making them. And each choice they’ve made has added to their understanding of themselves and of the world and their place in it. They are real.

Cas didn’t choose to leave because now he’s free of Chuck’s influence - he chose to leave because Dean was breaking his heart, because Dean refused to hear him, because Dean was shutting him out and pushing him away, because Dean’s inability to stop using the blame game as an excuse not to connect or open up wasn’t gonna fly anymore.

And this is what Dean needs to face, so Dean talking about finally being “on our own” and free is the last vestige of his performance remaining, the final lie he has to tell himself until he can face his fears and take responsibility for his actions, because the alternative is to live without Cas, aka without happiness.

I mean, the absolute defeat on Dean’s face in the screen grab above reminds me of his face watching Cas’ body burn at the end of 13x01. And then that expression switches into this –>

–> grim determination.

The top one is all: I’ve lost him, I’ve lost him.

The bottom one is all: It’s for the best anyway, what did you think was gonna happen, he’s better off without you, let him go live his life.

(headcanon but yeah like fuuuuck feelings)

And, of course, Sam is there to voice exactly how Dean is really feeling.

Sam: I don’t know if I can move on. You know, I can’t forget any of them. Dean, I still think about Jessica. I can’t just let that go. Dean: No, no, man, that’s not what I’m talking about.

(because Dean is talking about the healthy way to let go, which is to not let the past rule your present, to be aware and appreciate and remember, but not cling onto old ideals and ideas, or past mistakes that you can’t change, no matter how much you wish you could)

Sam: I know, I know, I know, I’m sorry, I know, but what I’m talking about is that I don’t feel free. What we’ve done, what we’ve lost, right now that is what I’m feeling and sometimes it’s… Sometimes it’s like I can’t even breathe.

And all I could think when Sam said that was Dean talking about feeling as though he was drowning while being possessed by Michael. The suffocating feeling of the weight of all those old ideals and ideas and having no other choice but to succumb, because he wasn’t strong enough to fight them at the time.

Sam is dealing with his own set of old ideals and ideas now, because while we see Dean actively suppress his thoughts and feelings and finding unhealthy, though at least stabile, outlets through coping mechanisms like overeating and drinking and working this episode, Sam is not about to suppress anything.

He feels his irritation, his impatience, his hopelessness and it comes out in how he interacts with others, with his surroundings, with Dean, with the case. Sam doesn’t have outlets. He bottles everything up. He thinks he’s fine and he’s handling it, but he’s not. And he hasn’t been fine for a very long time. That hopelessness always niggling. That question of what is the point if there’s no end to the suffering?

I honestly believe he needs to accept that not everyone can be saved. I’m hopeful that he will, but I’ll admit I’m a little worried about what’s in store for our Sam. I hope he’ll have to get dragged through the darkest place before he can come out victorious on the other side, the same way Cas and Dean have been over the past four seasons.

Sam: …Maybe tomorrow. You know, maybe I’ll feel better in the morning. Dean: And what if you don’t? Sam: I don’t know.

It’s interesting looking at how this conversation is structured: Dean reminding Sam that Sam saved him from himself and succeeded, and Dean, this episode, trying to save Sam from himself without success.

The thing is, I can see Sam needing to save himself, needing to get to a place where he’s ready to fully let go of Dean, because he realises that Dean doesn’t need him the way he used to, and them holding onto each other and their old ideals and ideas of how to relate themselves to each other is no good, for either of them, and, once this shift in Sam happens, for him to, without hesitation, step into a leader position and accept that this is his place and where he belongs and there is great purpose to be found there, and through that purpose, there’s great happiness to be had too. Aw Sam! *hopes and wishes*

I really loved this episode so much. I’m still not over this scene, haven’t quite digested how Jensen delivered that slight speech and all the very subtle truths baked into this exchange that were so extremely revealing of what’s really going on inside of him, as well as Sam stating what’s going on inside of him, following that harrowing dream sequence that opened the ep.

Gorgeous stuff. Gorgeous, gorgeous stuff.

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mittensmorgul · 4 years

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Welcome to today’s installment of The TNT Loop Is Specifically Attempting to Murder Mittens: an ongoing saga.

In today’s torment, we have 8.05, Blood Brother. I recently wrote something about Dean possibly considering his time in Purgatory during his current Identity Crisis in s15 as something he can feel was truly “pure,” as he’d said back in s8-- as a place where God wouldn’t have controlled their actions and choices, and yet he CHOSE to stay and try to save Cas, but also, Cas CHOSE to stay behind (because that was something Dean REALLY struggled with in early s8, the fact that Cas could just abandon him this way-- not only because Cas’s personal burden of guilt was so heavy he didn’t feel like he deserved to be saved from that place, and because he truly believed that Dean would be better off without him if he returned to Sam... and isn’t THAT all just the reflection of their current issues and suffering?).

But there’s a few specific lines/situations in this episode-- two episodes before Cas will be rescued from Purgatory and used against his will as a sort of brainwashed sleeper agent for Heaven. The horrifying themes of “what is real” and “what of all of this is my CHOICE versus what we are being manipulated into” seem INCREDIBLY relevant to the current canon situation in s15.

I’m incredibly tempted to suggest that everyone try to watch this episode before 15.04 airs this week, or at least take a gander at the transcript and refresh your memories about this particular bit of pain. Recall that

Sam was also suffering the loss of a woman he’d loved in this part of s8 (and he’s just lost Rowena in s15, when his relationship with Amelia was always hinted at with an element of ~unreality~ and Sam using her to run away from his own reality, while his relationship with Rowena has always been coded with him EMBRACING himself and his reality)

Kevin was out there doing ~mysterious prophety things~ attempting to decipher the tablet to close the gates of Hell (and in s15 Kevin’s soul is wandering the Earth while they’ve attempted to seal up the rift into Hell... what part will he again play by the end?)

Dean is absolutely CONVINCED of his grip on reality, believing his choices are his own and helps Benny come to terms with that... (despite us knowing that Benny never really does feel that he “fits” back on Earth and will eventually choose to stay in Purgatory by 8.19, and Dean is now on the other end of this conundrum in s15...)

Once Cas does return in 8.07, as he confirms in 8.08, he’s actively running from Heaven, from his own guilt, from his own fears (in 8.08 he will say he’s afraid to see what he’d made of Heaven, afraid he would kill himself if he had to face it... this... was not a happy time for Cas, and he was being ACtIVELY controlled by Heaven on top of all that. Like Dean feels he’s being controlled by Chuck now...)

Okay, with that baseline info, I’d like to point to a few specific things in 8.05 for current canon relevance.

First off, since Benny will figure into a lot of the things I’ll be discussing in this post, I need to establish what Benny tells Dean about what it’s like to be turned into a vampire, and the “loyalty” to one’s maker that is supposed to bring with it. Benny... never quite fit into his nest, which had always frustrated his maker (Benny refers to him as “A jealous god” among other things). Benny wasn’t an obedient son, and actually had the willpower to abandon his nest FOR LOVE. For a HUMAN. A woman who would (after Benny’s death) be claimed by that “jealous god” and turned into a vampire. Andrea didn’t have the will that Benny did, and becoming a vampire had destroyed the humanity that he’d loved her for in the first place. He’d gone to hunt his old nest to avenge Andrea’s murder, only to find her hopeful that Benny would kill their master and free her to become the new “god” of their nest. Meanwhile Benny clung to every shred of his own humanity that he could, in 8.09 even inserting himself into his great granddaughter’s life (family first, right?). By the time Dean calls Benny in 8.19, asking him for the ultimate favor to save Sam from Purgatory, Benny’s lost everything he’d thought he would have. Sure, he destroyed his old nest and all the vampires that had made him, but he’d also accepted that he truly didn’t fit into the world anymore. And that was something he was struggling with even back in 8.05. So with that in mind, let’s explore this episode a little deeper.

This exchange hit me in the face like a mallet:

BENNY: It's weird being back – in the world, I mean. Isn't it? DEAN: Sure as hell is. BENNY: I mean, what do you do with it all? All the – all the everything? Hell, I don't even know if this world is real, if I'm real. DEAN: Hey, listen to me. I’ve seen what happens down that rabbit hole, okay? We're real. Benny, this is real. It's the only way to play this game, you get me?

This is EXACTLY the conversation Dean was attempting to have with Cas in 15.02. Except Dean? He’s constructed his ENTIRE IDENTITY on this belief. This is is, to use his own words to Sam in 7.02, Dean’s “stone number one” that he built his entire identity on. This is his foundation, and in 14.20, Chuck shattered it.

Dean tells Benny he’s seen what happens down that rabbit hole, but Dean had never allowed himself to EXPERIENCE IT. He’s watched SAM go down that rabbit hole, he’d been that “stone one” for Sam. From 7.02:

Dean: I am your flesh-and-blood brother, okay? I'm the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out, Sammy. Believe in that. Believe me, okay? You gotta believe me. You've gotta make it stone number one and build on it.

But Dean himself has never had his entire grip on reality shattered to the degree that 14.20 shattered him, and he has ZERO coping skills to apply to himself in this case. HE had always been his own Stone Number One, and Chuck took that from him. Chuck took CAS from him, too, because Chuck had given Cas to him in the first place. NOTHING is real to him right now. Just as nothing felt real to Benny after all his own ties to the world had been cut in s8.

For YEARS, Dean has been everyone else’s stone, but right now he’s a few handfuls of sand on the shore of a vast ocean determined to wash him away to nothingness. He’s failed in every respect, and there’s nothing to hold on to at all.

During the course of 8.05, Benny learns the truth of what happened versus what he’d always believed happened. Andrea hadn’t been killed by his nest, she’d been assimilated by them. His perceptions and understanding had been wrong, and the woman he’d pined for the entire time he’d been in Purgatory had been changed into something he didn’t even recognize anymore.

DEAN (on phone): I'm not alone, damn it. All right? I'm not alone. I've got backup – guy who's been tracking the nest for a while. SAM (on phone): What guy? Garth? DEAN (on phone): What? No. You don't know him. He's a friend. SAM (on phone): A friend? Dean, you don't have any – all your friends are dead. DEAN (on phone): That's not what I called to talk about!

LOL all Dean’s friends are dead... Like Benny, who’s a vampire, so... dead, technically...

BENNY: Andrea, what happened? The old man said he was gonna bleed you dry. ANDREA: I don't know. He changed his mind. I blacked out. When I woke up, I was drinking from his wrist. BENNY: I'm sorry. All this is because of me. I'm sorry. ANDREA: No. It's not your fault. You never hid anything from me, Benny. I chose you. BENNY: But why'd you stay... with them, with him? Why? ANDREA: You remember what it's like at first. First, everything resets. Life is blood. That's all. And whoever gives it to you – BENNY: I know. It's complicated. Every damn thing is complicated. ANDREA takes a large clasp knife from her waistband and holds it out to BENNY. ANDREA: It doesn't have to be. BENNY: Andrea. ANDREA: Benny, I can't kill him... [she tucks the knife into his jacket] ...none of us can. But you – you came back from the grave. You're proof that he's not all-powerful, that he's not God. He's scared of you, Benny – I know it.

What is choice, and what is about control, and circumstances beyond control. What power do we really have to choose for ourselves when circumstances affect us to this degree?

Meanwhile in Dean’s conversation with Sam, there’s so much hidden, so much each doesn’t understand about the other’s current situation partly because they’re both refusing to talk about these issues. Dean is refusing to talk about how painful the loss of Cas in his life is, or why he’s befriended a vampire (because Benny voluntarily saved Cas’s life in Purgatory despite his serious reservations about Dean’s attachment to Cas). Dean can’t talk about ANY of this because it’s just too painful to accept that Cas CHOSE to stay behind, without him).

and Meanwhile Meanwhile, with Sam, he’d spent the entire previous year living with the belief that Dean (and Cas) was already lost to him. Until Dean came back and dragged him out of his escapist fantasy life he’d built with Amelia. But that life had already shattered for Sam when Amelia’s husband was found alive, too. So... Sam knew even before Dean came back that Amelia wasn’t really his, and that Dean’s return wasn’t really the only thing standing between him and that “normal fantasy life.” But it will take a long time for them both to fully understand and accept the whole entire truth of everything. Just like it’s gonna be a long painful slog through s15 before Dean and Cas are able to face the whole entire truth of what the other’s experience and emotions are.

And another interesting comment from Benny’s “god” figure:

BENNY: Why didn't you let her die? She meant nothing to you. BENNY’S MAKER: But she meant everything to you. If that's all I could salvage from my wayward son – the woman he defied his maker for – I wanted someone to remember you by.

Chuck’s now out for “revenge” against his “wayward sons,” yes? Let’s see how that goes for him.

And in Purgatory, we have the scene that leads up to Benny’s CHOICE to save Cas, against his own better judgment:

BENNY: Look, all I'm saying is I started seeing something in humanity, okay? Something that shouldn't be taken. I drink blood. I don't drink people. DEAN: And why the hell should I believe you? BENNY: What does it matter what you believe? You got your head so far up your ass, Dean, you don't even realize we're already done for. The angel knows it. We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon. DEAN: Do I need to remind you of our deal? Of what you committed to? BENNY: He is gonna get us killed. CASTIEL: We may get to test that theory. DEAN: More monsters? CASTIEL: Leviathan. DEAN: Why don't you blip out of here? CASTIEL: They're too close. I can't. Run.

Dean CHOSE to keep Cas close, WANTED him close, despite the risk to both him and Benny (the one being in this land of abominations who holds the key to Dean’s escape). And Benny started seeing something in Humanity. Which has been Cas’s deal since... forever... right? He saw something worth saving in humanity (and in Dean), and staked his EVERYTHING on it. Like Benny does staking HIS everything on Dean and their agreement.

Which makes Dean’s shattering in s15, after Cas had made his relationship with Dean his PRIMARY FEAR, and also the thing he struggled the hardest to maintain, to secure his place in Dean’s “family.”

(I know who you love, what you fear)

And this is why Dean shattering in s15 has also shattered Cas.

BENNY: You just gonna sit there? BENNY’S MAKER: You're right. I've been here so, so long, Benny, seen all the outcomes, all the patterns a trillion times. It all means so little. This universe is a pyramid of despair, nothing else. BENNY: A little dark. BENNY’S MAKER: I am evil, after all. At least I've had that much to keep me cold at night. You never had that, did you? Everything had to be thought about, considered. BENNY: You know what Socrates said about a life unconsidered. BENNY’S MAKER: Yes. But what we have in us? Benny, that's not life. That's what you still don't get. That's why it's always been so hard for you, my poor Benjamin. [...] BENNY’S MAKER: This is the one last thing I can take from you. BENNY: No. You try, damn it. You try and kill me again. BENNY’S MAKER: This is my story, you gnat. BENNY: Get up! BENNY’S MAKER: It ends the way I choose, not you. [BENNY hauls BENNY’S MAKER to his feet.] BENNY: Well, at least I can finally show you something new, old man. A whole new... [he flips open the large clasp knife ANDREA gave him] ...world.

And Benny kills him. So whose story was this, really? Who was making the choices? What’s even real?

While I was typing this up, 8.06, and now 8.07 have also played in the background. 8.06 entirely about the things left unsaid turning toxic, like a literal specter that festers away and breaks down relationships. I’ll sum up the takeaway from this by first quoting Garth’s line to Dean at the end of the episode. Garth, who was unaffected by the specter who fueled itself on vengeance, who has become a symbol in canon of “letting baggage go” because of this:

Garth: Stop being a idjit! With Bobby dead, you and Sam are all each other has. And that's not so bad, man.

Yes, Dean thinks, and knows. Yes, it is bad. It wasn’t enough back then, and it’s absolutely not enough now. Which Sam proves to him in their very next non-conversation. Because Sam is so not telling the whole truth, even though he claims the moral high ground over Dean and his friendship with Benny. Sam is just... not affected by Cas’s loss the way Dean was. And is. And will be in the next run of s15. And Sam was not honest yet about his OWN loss of Amelia and everything she represented to him, which I hope will be different in s15 regarding his loss of Rowena. Because she, at least, was REAL to him. And Sam’s current issue isn’t a shattering of his entire sense of self, and his own attachment to reality as a concrete concept the way it is for Dean right now.

I’d continue yammering on about 8.07, and Dean’s reaction to getting Cas back (and his concern that Cas isn’t “all back,” and that something larger is at work here that he doesn’t yet understand), but this post is already way too long... >.>

#spn 8.05 #spn 14.20 #spn 15.03 #spn 15.02 #spn 7.02 #spn 8.06 #spn 8.07 #s15 meta rewatch #spiders georg of the tnt loop #it's spirals all the way down #if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass #destiel #the scheherazade of supernatural #using your words #lies and damn lies

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mittensmorgul · 6 years

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Rewatching s8, I’m always tempted to just meta everything... but I think of every season of this show, s8′s probably the one that really has been meta’d into the ground. Is there really anything new I can say about it?

Today’s selection on the TNT loop took us through 8.06 (vengeance between brothers on opposite sides in a war), 8.07 (and the return of Cas), 8.08 (this sounds like our kinda thing, there was a pastry mishap), 8.09 (gee, Dean, glad you finally found someone you could trust... *Sam’s feelings of inadequacy intensify*)

I love all the romantically-coded parallels in s8 as much as the next person, but I still struggle to see them as the main thematic focus of the season. Maybe this is just a function of having zoomed through the first half of s8 or so the first time I watched it, or the fact that I now know everything that comes after s8, but for me s8 is asking each of them (Sam, Dean, and Cas) to really examine who they are and what they want.

It’s setting everything they’ve ever believed up to be knocked over at the end of the season. It looks like they’re making choices throughout the season, but a lot of this boils down to anger, guilt, miscommunication, and my least favorite-- the I did what I had to do.

I don’t think Dean ever tells Sam why he trusted Benny so much, despite Sam clearly understanding some parallels to their past. Sam just sees the wrong parallels here. Sam’s seeing Benny-as-Amy Pond, who Dean killed in 7.03 because Dean thought Sam’s judgment was compromised and Amy the Monster couldn’t be trusted not to kill again. But in 8.09 there are two parallel scenes to one of the first vampires we ever met-- Lenore from 2.03.

Lenore resisted drinking Sam’s blood even after she’d been tortured and weakened by Gordon Walker. It had been enough for Sam to insist to Dean that she deserved to live. In 8.09 Benny had the same reaction TWICE-- after killing the vampire responsible for the deaths in town, he was tempted by Dean’s bleeding neck but walked away (and shared an entirely calm and rational conversation with Dean while he was still bleeding from his neck without ever showing the urge to kill him and drink him), and then not only resisted Elizabeth’s blood when Martin was deliberately trying to bait him with it but had been willing to lay down his own life for Elizabeth’s.

Meanwhile, Sam can’t see past his own jealousy, and engineers this entire confrontation with Benny, having set Martin Creaser to keep tabs on Benny on his behalf. I think this sums up A LOT of their miscommunication in s8:

Sam: Any casualties? Dean: Martin. Sam: Was it Benny? Dean: He had it coming, Sam. I'll tell you what happened. Sam: I-I know what happened, Dean. Dean: Okay, you want to listen to me or not?

Sam hangs up in anger, having made assumptions because he doesn’t feel that Dean trusts him. I mean, Dean did send him on that wild goose chase to get him out of the way, which dredged up all his complicated issues with Amelia that he’d thought he’d left behind. The thing is, Sam had been using Dean coming back as an excuse. It was easier to shift the blame for his own guilt and his own choice to leave Amelia and that ~normal life~ built on lies (and the dog he ran over that brought that whole life with it) onto Dean. Sam could feel justifiable and noble about returning to hunting, like he had a new mission now that was important enough to give up that El Sol of a dream-life, and that he sacrificed something good because of Dean. But that life was never his, was never real, and Sam didn’t want to admit that to himself. So instead (as he confesses so much later in 8.23) he puts ALL of it on Dean. All of his own issues are funneled into this mistaken belief that he let Dean down, that he somehow failed Dean, and that Dean’s approval and trust is somehow more important than anything else.

It’s basically a gross disaster of codependency laid bare.

It takes most of s8 to tear them all down to that point, but the quoted conversation above is steeped in it.

Sam honestly believes that he DOES know what happened, and boy howdy are his assumptions ever wrong. Despite having witnessed the lengths Martin was ready to go to in order to kill Benny, Sam was EQUALLY unwilling to trust Dean as Dean was to trust Sam.

It really does distill down to “Sam hit a dog” and “why didn’t you look for me in Purgatory.”

The few things Dean has told Sam about Purgatory have painted a kind of one-sided picture. Dean’s own guilt and feelings of inadequacy, feeling that he failed Cas like he fails everyone he cares about prevents Dean from revealing A LOT of the emotional and deeply personal aspects of what life was like for him over his year in Purgatory. Dean never tells Sam that Benny gave him the key to saving himself, which already (in Sam’s mind) gives Sam something to be jealous of-- that HE didn’t even try to save Dean and yet this vampire did...

Dean never tells Sam that despite having this key to Purgatory’s escape hatch, Dean refused to leave until he’d found Cas. And this ALSO contributes to Sam’s feelings of inadequacy. Knowing some of the baser truths about Purgatory, such as this:

Dean: You do see something... severely wrong here, right? Sammy, I remember every second of leaving that place. I mean I remember the heat, the stink, the pain, the fear. I have that whole ugly mess right here... and he says he has no idea how he got out? I'm just not buying it.

Sam has watched Dean continuously beat himself up over his failure to save Cas from Purgatory, while Sam himself hadn’t really felt any guilt at all for not trying to save the both of them... for a year.

But “why didn’t you look for me in Purgatory” isn’t just about Sam running away from this specific incident, but goes to the core of all their trust issues and past choices that have led to their divided loyalties in the past. From 8.06:

DEAN: You want to talk about Benny? Fine. Let's talk. SAM: Okay. How about he's a vampire? DEAN: He's also the reason I'm topside and not roasting on a spit in Purgatory. Anything else? SAM: Don't pretend I don't get it. I know you had to do what you had to down there. DEAN: I highly doubt you get anything about Purgatory. SAM: But you're out now, and Benny's still breathing. Why? DEAN: He's my friend, Sam. SAM: And what about my friend, Amy? She was what? 'Cause you sure as hell didn't have a problem ganking her. DEAN: Well, I guess people change, don't they? We let that werewolf Kate go, didn't we? SAM: She was different. She – you think Benny's different? He tell you he's not drinking live blood, or something? And you believe him. Wow. Okay. You know, you're right. People do change. DEAN: Yeah. I got a vampire buddy, and you turn your phone off for a year. SAM: Don't turn this on me. DEAN: Look, Benny slips up and some other hunter turns his lights out, so be it. SAM: But it's not gonna be you, right?

And later, while Dean’s under the influence of the spectre, he gets some rather poisonous feelings off his chest in arguably the worst and most toxic way possible. Dean’s being supernaturally manipulated into saying these things and so Sam is able to dismiss them...

SAM: What do you want me to say? That I've made mistakes? I've made mistakes, Dean. GARTH: That's not Dean, Sam. DEAN: Shut up! Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices! SAM: All right. You said it. We've both played a little fast and loose. DEAN: Yeah, I might have lied, but I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what, a girl? You left me to die for a girl?

For better or worse, Dean’s lil speech there about Sam’s “mistakes” (aka “choices” which Dean feels are essentially betrayals, with good cause...), this list of betrayals is inextricably linked with “why didn’t you look for me in Purgatory.”

ALL OF THESE THINGS, every time either of them brings up Purgatory, are now contained under that single umbrella of guilt. Just as “Sam hit a dog” contains all that baggage I wrote about yesterday (in the post I linked above).

S8 did a lot of things, but scooping up their codependency and packing it into tidy duffel bags like this is one of the biggest.

#s13 meta rewatch #spn 8.06 #spn 8.07 #spn 8.08 #spn 8.09 #breaking the codependency #the scheherazade of supernatural #sam sympathizes and dean empathizes #it still kills me that at the end of the season sam and dean are so broken by this that their choices end up hurting EVERYONE ELSE #thank HECK they're getting to deal with these issues differently in s13-- via proxies like mary stuck in her version of purgatory #instead of having to push through this as antagonists to one another like in s8

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