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purplesurveys · 4 years

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Do you like bacon? I’m not as wild about it as I used to be, but I’m still definitely into the whole put-bacon-on-everything schtick and I have no problem trying out novelty items that put bacon in donuts, or oatmeal, or cake, or whatever it is haha.

Have you ever wished for something to come true and it did? I mean, yes. It’s ranged from something as simple as “I wish it rains today,” to something as big as wishing that the person I like liked me back.

Do you like Rammstein? I’m familiar with the name but I’m not necessarily a fan.

Do you know a friend of a friend? Yes. I used to drink with Angela’s friends from arki. We never ended up being close but they were always great people to have a few drinks with.

Do you smile for no reason? I usually smile for a reason.

if somebody paid you a million dollars to get a green mohawk would you? Sure. I only stay at home anyway and that makes this whole thing not that big of a deal, honestly.

Ever had a BLT? Did you like it? It’s too basic a sandwich for me, but I wouldn’t turn it down if it were the only option available. I’d still remove the tomatoes, though; I never liked those in my burgers or sandwiches.

Are you in College? Not anymore; I graduated a few months ago.

Have you ever been to a State Fair? We don’t have those here, first of all because we don’t have states haha.

Do you like Youtube? I enjoy a number of YouTube channels and I certainly visit the site everyday, but I don’t like the way the corporation itself runs their website. It’s since become very different from what YouTube used to be.

If so whats your favorite channel? At the moment it’s Good Mythical Morning, but I also have a number of other subscriptions like BuzzFeed (for their Worth It series), First We Feast, Try Guys, PewDiePie, Anthony Padilla, Anna Park, a couple of channels dedicated to pro wrestling, some eating ASMR channels, among others.

Do you enjoy compulsively cleaning electronics? Can’t say I do.

What is your favorite small dog breed? Are beagles considered small dogs? I love them.

Do you smell bacon cooking? Nopes but I do have a dark chocolate macadamia cookie from Starbucks beside me that I can faintly smell.

Have you ever bitten anything for any unknown reason? What was it? I like biting on straws, but that’s about it I think.

Do you like the movie "The Master Of Disguise"? I don’t think I’ve heard of it before.

What is the closest thing to you thats red? A paper bag under my desk that holds all the artsy stuff I’ve bought over the years, like my coloring books and paintings.

Have you ever gone into a toystore just to play with the toys? That’s always made me feel like a freeloader haha, so I never go to toy stores just for that purpose. I’d sometimes play with whatever exhibits they have, but I make sure to go through the different toy sections too.

When was the last time you went through a Mcdonalds Playplace? Maybe when I was 5 ot 6 maybe? I went to Burger King’s playground way more often since we dined there more. Also, there were always fewer kids so it was more fun to play there.

Do you have an annoying dog? Cooper’s a beagle, who are notoriously big balls of energy, and so there are days I just can’t keep up with his energy and for those moments I do have shorter patience with him. It’s really not his fault, though.

What was the first comic book you ever had an obsession over? I was never into comic books. I tried for a long time because my two favorite wrestlers are into them, but just couldn’t jump on that train.

Do you like kids pop-up books? Loved them as a kid but I was never obsessed enough to have them for my own. I was content reading pop-up books in the school library.

Does anybody else think bugs are cool and interesting? I’m sure there are tons of people out there, but not me.

What kind of toothpaste do you use? Colgate.

Do you own a pair of striped socks? I don’t think so, no.

What is the most random thing in your bedroom? An inflatable pig.

In a normal conversation do you slip out Latin? LOL no. I don’t think I’ve done that before, unless I was singing something in Latin on purpose.

Can you sing? No. I’m not tone-deaf, but I’m not anywhere near decent either.

If so, what is the highest note you can reach? -

Have you ever been to the cream cheese capital of the world? I don’t know which one that is.

Was this survey random? Enough for me to have a good time with it, yes.

Have you ever been in a parade? I’ve been to several Pride marches if they count.

What is your mothers, mothers maiden name? I don’t actually remember haha, so I wouldn’t be able to share it anyway. It’s a very Chinese-sounding name, though; that much I can share.

Do you have a different hairstyle? No. I just have bangs, which a lot of people already have.

Am I annoying yet? I don’t feel annoyed, so you’re good.

Do you like soybeans? I haven’t had actual soybeans. < Same, but I’m sure I like food products that have soybeans in them or are made out of soybeans.

Do you press buttons just to see what they do? Hahahahahahahaha yes that’s me, I’m that person with the restless fingers.

Do you still play pokemon? I never got into the video games because I was never any good at strategy-based games, but I did play Pokemon Go for a while especially when I was in freshman year of college. Overall, I was mostly into the anime.

What is your favorite pokemon? Jigglypuff.

Have you ever put blue streaks in your white cats hair? I have a white dog, but I wouldn’t do this to him even if you gave me dog-friendly dye. Just not my preference.

Are you blond? Nope.

Does it bother you when people have a collar turned up? No.

Are your nails painted? If so, what color? If not, do you like nail polish? They’re never painted. No, I personally don’t see the appeal of nail polish for myself but you do you.

Are you awesome? I’ll let other people be the judge of that.

As a kid did you like Barney, Baby Bop, or DJ more? Wasn’t it BJ? Anyway, I liked him the most, then Barney. I found Baby Bop way too whiny.

Have you been to the Bzoink Forums yet? I just go there to look for surveys. I don’t actually try out the other features.

Does any key on your computer and or laptop stick? No.

Does fire excite you? Fuck no lmao, I’m terrified of fire.

Have you ever sung in a choir? Never.

Do you go to church? Until March this year, I had attended mass every Sunday all my life. When Covid hit, we started watching YouTube recordings at home. So yeah, no escape.

Have you ever had a theme (pirate, ninja, civil war) day? Like, in school? Yeah we had a themed day in high school once. I forgot what the actual theme was but I remember going as Lara Croft. In college, we used to go with color-coordinated outfits for Valentine’s Day, e.g. people who had dates can wear red, those who are single can wear black, those in complicated relationships can wear brown, those who had crushes but can’t have them can wear yellow, etc. It wasn’t an official rule, of course, but it was always fun for those who chose to join haha.

Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Nopes.

Have you ever been to Philadelphia PA? No. It has an amazing reputation for being a passionate wrestling city though; it’d be cool to go there and see a local show or two.

Do you think Orlando Bloom is hot? He’s not unattractive, but I just never had a crush on him.

Do you think Twilight is over-rated? At some point I think it was, but it also got (and continues to get) so much hate that I think that has since been able to balance out the initial overrated-ness of it.

When was the last time you where sick? what did you have? I had a UTI in May, which I never would’ve known if I didn’t take a urine test because all I got was a high fever that never went away. Peeing was never painful for me during that time and my kidney region never hurt either.

What is your favorite number? 4.

Look at your toes. Sure.

If you are a girl do you hate girl drama? Idk what you mean by that. I never grew out of liking gossip, though.

If you are a guy do you hate girls who prolong the drama? -

ZZZ, im tired....are you? A little, but I have coffee so I might stay up for a bit because it’s Fridayyyyyyy.

Favorite indie music group? alt-J.

Have you ever pet a monkey? I don’t think I have.

Have you ever ridden a camel? Nopes.

Have you ever punched somebody? Never to hurt someone.

Do you like cupcakes? Love them.

Orange or lemon flavoring? Depends on what I’m consuming. I like orange chewy candies, but I like lemonade juice too.

Can you sing opera? Not a chance.

Touchpads or Mouse's? Touchpad.

Have you ever been to a Disney theme park? Nope, I haven’t.

#survey #surveys

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walkinsauce · 6 years

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Becoming Poly- Chapter 21: Mo Partners Mo Problems

The month of January is a real character. Every year, it convinces us to pull it together, work hard and change for the better. By February, we’re right back to being the same people we’ve always been. I actually bought the Wild Rose Cleanse, but I seem to be procrastinating starting it as much as I’ve been procrastinating writing this blog. I have a bad feeling it might stay in its box as long as my external hard drive.

You’d think I’d succumb to January’s motivation, and have a blog posted right out of the gate, but here I am… a little late to look like a hustler. My writing has become far more complicated than just requiring discipline. It requires caring about people’s feelings, and privacy. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I do want to share my experience at being a neophyte with polyamory…

It’s just that things got so fucked up.

However, I did get this amazing message from a reader recently. It literally motivated me to start writing at 2:37am on a Thursday night. (Friday morning- whatever you want to call it.)

The message read,

“Hey I have a movie recommendation for you. Have you ever seen the movie Misery? It’s an interesting plot. It’s about a fan of a writer who’s pissed that he never finished the series of books she was a fan of. So she kidnapped him and tortured him until he finished. There probably isn’t any direct correlation to anything going on in your life right now, so I don’t want you to feel pressure or anything. Oh by the way there��s a really cool scene that I attached for you for motivation:)”

You can imagine what scene he attached.

Shit. I better start writing. Otherwise I’m going to be screaming,

“Hobbling New Year!”

(Anybody get that reference? Hope so. Kathy Bates is a fucking legend.)

It’s just hard for me to write right now…

Not because my fingernails are too long. I don’t paint my nails, nor do I get enough vitamin B7. Short, weak nails are just fine for a writer. And there’s NO shortage of story. There’s too much. I’m sitting on storyline gold right now. Can I share it with you? Uhhhh, doubt it. This is why I chickened out of my own reality show years ago. I would have been calling in sick every time something fucked up happened.

“Well, I can’t put THAT on TV… I’ll just call my producer and tell him I have another UTI.”

I like my privacy. But I also like writing honestly. Maybe Demi Lovato can write a new song called, “Private/Not Private.”

Plus, we know if I had taken that reality show, it wouldn’t be the same. They’ll never truly be like real life. I probably would have cleaned up my act so fast, cuz I was being watched. It would have been the most boring show in the world. At least having my life to myself, I can fuck up, then decide what I’m comfortable sharing with the Internet later.

Here’s a fun note though- do you know how fun it is to get drunk dialed by a girl, as a girl? Okay, not drunk dialed. Nobody phones anybody anymore. It was just drunk texting. But as I sat on my couch, close to midnight on a Saturday, and got the text, I couldn’t help but laugh. I loved it! A real dose of my own medicine. Now maybe I’ll have a little more confidence to shoot out those late night texts again. I wonder if poly people have a shit ton of group texts?

I mentioned before I’m struggling telling certain stories. The fact is, the more people enter the relationship, the more permission I have to ask for. Cuz one person I’m connecting with, may have a spouse or a partner, that they too need to protect. But I guess what really gets you in trouble is when someone approaches you, and hopes you can keep it a secret from your partner. What do you say? No, right? But why do these kinds of situations arise? Do the common cheaters of the world see some sort of availability in poly/open relationship peeps? Are we somehow a target?

I got a good message on my Tumblr last week. I’m actually a real tool on Tumblr, and don’t really understand how to write people back. (AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU’RE FOLLOWING ME? I’M SUCH A PRO.) There is a lot going on in this supposed poly life, that is in all actuality just hooking up with people. Not exactly what polyamory is meant to be.

Let’s recap the definition of polyamory, as per Wikipedia:

Polyamory (from Greek poly, “many, several” and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.” People who identify as polyamorous reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep and committed, long-term loving relationships.

Fuck, doesn’t it look GREAT on paper? I LOVE it. I agree that this is something we should all strive for- and can genuinely exist, if we truly understand and communicate with each other.

But the truth is...

It’s so much harder in practice.

I suppose it might be a good idea to remain within the poly community when searching for new partners. But am I smart enough to do that? What do you fucking think? (lololol) And just like regular love, you don’t just instantly fall, nor start a relationship with every person that comes along. It does take various hook ups to figure out who you might find feelings for. It’s always been a trial & error (and hopefully occasional orgasm) situation.

But let’s go back to the subject of January. These goals we make. The things we try to change about ourselves at the strike midnight, thinking, “hey if this world keeps moving forward, maybe I should too.” I have a tradition every New Year’s Day: I pull an old diary off the shelf, and re-read an older chapter of my life. Did I change? Am I evolving? Who the fuck did I bang that had a cat in heat? Wait- I date men with cats?

The one thing I always notice when I re-read old diaries, is how my confidence dips in life. It can get super high, then drop so fucking low- basically to a place where I’m more content not even trying. Everybody has insecurities, and everyone controls them in their own way. Like the 47 year old male comic who came up to my friend tonight and said,

“Well, you’re older than me, aren’t you?”

She’s not. Not even close. And you know it. But you also know that’s a sensitive topic for a woman.

As I re-read my old diary (I went with 2001- a tender year, and I probably shouldn’t have read it on a plane), I’m haunted by my own insecurities. Coincidentally during a year that lacked a tragic amount of security. I truly want to believe that I’m attracted to polyamory because I’ve lived a life where I’ve had such unique, special connections with multiple people. It’s why I’ve always loved being single. So I never have to stop discovering new connections. But I do have to admit, it’s also nice to have a partner. Someone to share life with.

But then there’s that super small, but sad part of inside of me that wonders…

“Or… am I in this because I’m scared no one would want to be with JUST me… so why make them?”

It’s not my proudest introspection.

But it’s the only one I can publicly confess right now…

#polyamory #polyamourous #polyamorous #poly love #becoming poly #Wild Rose Detox #dating blog #2001 #insecure #demi lovato #christina Walkinshaw #Misery #Kathy Bates #January #Hobbling

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grizzlefur · 7 years

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WWEm - Back Like a Recurrent UTI

In response to a comment from a reader, which is frankly one comment more than I ever thought I’d get, I’m dropping the interline punctuation. Be aware I may be switching to Comic Sans next week though.

Transmission date: Monday 5/Tuesday 6 June 2017.

Coming at you off the back of Medium-Strength Rules, this is THURSDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

so yeah, extreme rules was kind of crap like, i don't need it to be all barbed wire rope exploding table deathmatches, but that was honestly tamer than a lot of episodes of raw it's like waiting a fortnight for a jalfrezi and getting a shitty mushroom dopiaza or something (that's the subtitle of the dvd release, btw) (Extreme Rules 2017: The Shitty Mushroom Dopiaza of Wrestling) kkb took the belts, though, so that's good at least in any case, i should probably stop using this blog to bitch about ppvs that we're not watching and actually watch the show just kidding, it's my blog, i can do whatever the fuck i want NEXT UP: THE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE HABITS OF SUCCESSFUL LEAFCUTTER ANTS (2017, 7hrs 41mins) *daniel starts raw* dang ah well we'll get back to that particular gem we kick off with a dramatic slideshow of an entirely undramatic two-chilli rules main event if you haven't been keeping up with the results, joe won by stealing a pin opportunity and choking finn to death i have genuinely no clue how they're going to build a joe/brock feud without turning one of them, which would make no sense and be bullshit were the hardyz in the title sequence before? i am very unobservant, so it's possible jesus fuck, guys, you don't need to keep weaponising the pyro to see what i say we're back in the mohegan sun later, joe talks about life but now, here comes a bray to chop off your head or possibly declaim some eschatological craziness could be both who knows i'm wearing a SanItY shirt, i don't give a shit aww, apparently he's here to fight roman disappointing can he chop roman's head off? booker's still on announce, which is weird given that otunga was around to be on the pico de gallo rules preshow panel ok, bray's got a mic so at least we get some preaching before roman gets here apparently sunday was the beginning of the end, because bray will not be there to slay the beast because he was stabbed through the eye with his own sword of salvation but he's fine, because he's still a god (i'm not even paraphrasing) he's here to pass judgment on the guilty which includes basically everybody who isn't him he mentions roman, the arena roof levitates on the cloud of boos he's vowed to personally punish everyone, starting with roman now oh, and here he is personally, i would not enter a room with a man who had just levelled that particular bit of demagoguery at me but hey, i'm not roman reigns loving the guy on hardcam with the I CAME TO BOO ROMAN sign so did everyone else, it seems apocalyptic cult leader and self-proclaimed god vs big taciturn punch man which way is the heel/face divide even meant to go in this situation enormous boos, roman takes bray's mic, boos redouble apparently this kind of public hate is why roman is the guy sure, why not better than proclaiming yourself the BIG FIGHT man cannot tweet roman coldcocks bray, start the match bray nearly lands sister abigail within about six seconds that would have been fucking hilarious although it kind of feels like maybe bray should have a new finisher to fit this whole bringing judgment upon the guilty thing or maybe that's just my overly-narrative booking instincts who can say (that is definitely what it is) fuck off, daniel i'll rescind your fruit bowl privileges bray avoids a samoan drop through the incredibly advanced tactic of punching roman in the head repeatedly that's the kind of tactical nous you only get by anointing yourself with the burnt grave earth of your diabolic mistress as the saying goes did we really need to cut to that enormously wide shot where the camera's on the other side of a lighting rig several astronomical units away from the ring? like, we get that the mohegan sun's big no need to prove this at the expense of beign able to see shit if i wanted to watch insects wrestle while i shine a torch into one of my eyes, i could do that at home i'm going off on tangents a lot here because this match is slow as fuck roman is still creeped out to the point of a nearfall by bray's spiderwalk goes for a pin off an uranage, then takes roman to the top rope we could be here a while he does a few punches, roman headbutts him for longer than would seem necessary before turning it into a powerbomb roman cocks his hand, takes a couple tries to hit bray what happens if he cocks his hand and doesn't do anything with it? does he have to punch something to get rid of it before it goes off accidentally? or can he rack his forearm to eject a loaded fist? enquiring minds want to know anyway, while that muse was visiting me, bray heard roman going oooooooo and rolled out, took a driveby but punched roman's head off so it seems my earlier proposal was correct huh i can call murders better than matches bray goes for sister abigail, roman reverses into a superman punch and a really slow spear for the pin so yeah that happened meanwhile, someone in the crowd has leveraged all their crafting skills to make a sign informing us that BROCK LESNAR IS TICKLISH corey invents the adjective 'slaughterous' yeah, ok bray deserves new words end segment later on, we have joe doing a thing but next, we talk about the shitshow that was the 'extreme' women's title match "But can Bayley get EXTREEEEEME?" "No." but now, we have charly interviewing enzo and cass enzo's conscious, which is a change charly asks enzo about their match tonight with enzo and cass, he responds by creeping on charly and insulting corey's hair cass is insulted by the rumours that he was attacking his bro, promises to watch his back at all times and then they leave, and enzo returns to creep on charly alone good backwatching, colin what if charly was the mystery assailant it makes so much sense anyway, now we have a dull slideshow of the dull women's title match and photos of the one welt on bayley's back, which has made her take the night off somebody send jericho to talk to her in his curtain room/office, kurt is confused by his phone and here is alexa to present terms she wants a celebration of her entire life tonight because the this is your life segment went down so well outstanding kurt immediately comes back like fuck no that's an awful idea this is your life was dreadful and anyway you owe nia a title shot tonight alexa is none too pleased and slightly shellshocked but here's dean, aka 33% of the best bit of semi-notable rules and now, here's a very large man on a stool dressed entirely in scarves and fragments of scarves, with a song he wrote after seeing a leaf fall on the side of the highway

actual quote

it's a song about how dean sucks, basically

with a subtext about how elias deserves a title shot

dean's music interrupts it

it's an elias segment, so corey is SO ANGRY

dean does his hey dude hold on a second i just want to PUNCH thing

hits him until he goes away, and demands a title rematch but here's miz on the tron, like fuck no he's wearing a bow tie for the kickoff celebration of the ic title comeback tour and elias blindsides dean into his swinging neckbreaker and shouts at him, because sometimes you just gotta but up next, samoa joe the mohegan sun fans need something to cheer, or they're going to riot but first, dean storms backstage runs into kurt, asks for a ref in miz's dressing room kurt's like no, we've got a party planned and i'm scared of maryse, please go away no dean, don't go to miz's dressing room so kurt ejects him from the building it is just heel city so far oh hey, it's joe funny, that because the prevailing heel archetype at the moment is apparently 'large samoan man named joe' first shot of the match card graphics for great balls of fire, and it looks like shit if you're making a title graphic, maybe don't put a flashy effect around the word BALLS in the centre joe thinks brock ain't shit and wants to take everything he owns including his cushy non-wrestling schedule i think we all want brock's ability to draw a salary and have fans without doing shit joe also wants paul heyman, just for giggles oh hey, paul didn't see you there (largely because you were backstage and i don't have camera control) paul does his usual spiel, and still needs to check the definition of 'defending' does his usual thing of hi joe aren't you awesome can i come into your ring sir please don't hurt me but btw my client also thinks you yourself ain't shit does a soliloquy about worrying for a living, turns it into a jew joke sigh addresses the fact that brock/finn would have been a great story, while brock/joe is just going to be two large angry men trying to shoot kill each other paul does his usual great job of hyping both people in this match you're great, but my client's better paul shakes hands with joe, tries to leave, joe grabs him again and has an earnest face-to-face conversation he's so well-spoken he's like hey paul i understand you're just a legal representative but jsyk i'm about to choke the life out of you and this is exactly what it's going to feel like and then he does calm joe is the most intimidating joe refs get involved, but not until paul goes limp the crowd are unsure how to react to this assault joe shouts at the crowd some more, then leaves and we cut to ads on the sight of paul on the floor and we come back backstage, with kurt like THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO at joe who's like i don't know would you like me to demonstrate loooooooom but here comes seth to shout at joe and intervene also he has a new merch vest to show off kurt's like hey this sounds like a good match this booking shit is easy joe sidles off with a dark look, end thing but now we have slater and rhyno facing the kkb with the former's entrance being helpfully played under the announce team talking earnestly about joe the announcers and graphics team need to decide whether they're sheamus and cesaro or cesaro and sheamus dramatic slideshow of the cage match, making it make even less sense lovely closeup of jeff's post-dive 'holy fuck why do i still do this to myself' face bell rings, instead of getting out of the ring, cesaro creates an novel distraction by running across the ring and sliding out in the opponents' corner while sheamus commences to beating the piss out of heath slater knocks them both down, goes for a hot tag, cesaro pulls rhyno off the apron, brogue for the pin so that was a thing i'll be honest, i just love seeing them with the belts and they get mic spots awesome sheamus is like hey guys look like we know how to do this wrestling thing who knew are you all happy the hardyz came back well then you're all twats you know who isn't happy they came back? the hardyz, who basically ain't shit they reiterate their claim to be the bar, cue music and celebration but here's tjp backstage runs into neville oh so coincidentally like congrats, but where the fuck is my title shot neville does his usual patience, young one thing, tjp will no longer take this shit neville is a man of his word, and he'll give tj his shot if he takes care of mustafa next cut for ads, and here's that match tj's straight in with the slightly excessive aggression, tries to crush ali's face across the corner with his foot and then a bunch of cool spots happen faster than i can type about them but that should go without saying, really thanks for slowing things down with that really long rest headlock, tj mustafa does his lovely top rope twist torndo ddt, tries for the inverted 450, tj reverses into a detonation kick for the pin again with the really short matches mustafa deserves better tj swaggers up the ring, neville's crazy pyro hits, he basically shits himself, it's hilarious he's like i'm sorry my apprentice, i talked to kurt but we can't have a match tonight i tried tj shouts at him, storms off, so he blindsides him and beats the shit out of him on the stage and then says he can have his shot tomorrow on 205 i say 'says', more 'northernly rants' cut for ads, and we come back with another shattered dreams production goldust's like excuse you did you steal my format and my chair it is ON motherfucker promises to bring the whole movie industry into his coming golden age how this will interact with bray's prophesied apocalypse is unclear but now, in the women's locker room, mickie and dana congratulate sasha on her dance moves alexa comes in, sasha nopes out of the room and alexa's like hey girls what do you think about nia cutting in line for the title what a bitch right dana and mickie are like lol no we'll be at ringside laughing at you announce spot, and kurt appears to call corey away for urgent business involving gesturing at his phone and looking annoyed i have no clue what all this is building to if there's been foreshadowing, i've missed it cole tries to ask him what that's all about, corey's like OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT kalisto's here he's lost the aggressively sculpted dragon mask, back to more of an nxt-era lucha dragons thing back in mexican colours and everything whatever happened to el local ...okay, i totally did not know he was ricardo rodriguez i wouldn't have known who that was back when i started watching nxt, to be fair thanks, internet huh anyway, back on the show, ...mike? ambushes kurt backstage to ask what the fuck's going on with those emails or w/e he uses slightly more professional language, because he's talking to his boss while i'm screaming semi-informed obscenities into the formless void of the internet kurt's like nope, anonymous dude, this is private and walks out of the arena and dean sneaks in the door just before it closes dean ambrose: back like a recurrent uti (his disappointing third album) and as we watch him come in, the revival just happen to be in the back of the shot caught it that time i pay attention sometimes but now it's kalisto/titus or actually titus knocking kaliso down and then shouting at apollo also tozawa is watching because titus wants him on the brand kalisto gets a rollup holding titus' trunks, apollo's like welp guess you asked for that one boss does some light motivational slapping, end segment but here are miz and maryse, even more dapper than usual and pan over to big cass, collapsed under a bunch of girders and shit enzo comes running in like whoa what happened way to stay together, guys cass presents enzo with a tacky chain that he presumably took off his attacker, enzo hugs his bro as we cut to ads and we come back on enzo being like okay well this is clearly a frame job and btw we have a match so can cass wrestle or what the answer is no but now we're back in the ring, with carpet and champagne and balloons and maryse and a guy in a teddy bear suit with a sign says CONGRATULATIONS who is totally not dean ambrose no sir but seriously, miz must fucking love balloons this ring is at imminent risk of lifting off and here is the man himself and a dramatic slideshow of the actually-great match complete with the nicest ref ever but yes, miz and maryse both look fucking great tonight just saying surprising number of you deserve it chants miz is immediately like fuck off you chant that for everyone just reminding us he's still a heel and all but yes, i do deserve it and here's a speech about how i'm redeeming the ic belt a toast to me "Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass...or, if you're in this arena, a styrofoam cup..." delivered perfectly miz thanks maryse for all this stuff, mentions the bear, she's like um i thought you ordered the bear then who's flying the plane so miz attacks the bear on principle and finales him welp, that bear's dead dramatically unmasks him, revealing...some dude he's like ...um, well at least you had a brush with celebrity, get out of here *whips him out of the ring* and now here comes a big present down the ramp miz is like well isn't this nice what could this be grabs a chair, beats the shit out of the present while maryse shouts at him to stop and it's a very dead grandfather clock and a very sad maryse tells mike he ruined the party, throws the mic at him, storms off and we are left with a very dejected miz, blaming dean for all his problems and having a paranoid breakdown at the crowd and the steadicam guy who's been following miz throughout takes his headset and hat off and hits miz with dirty deeds lovely slow realisation as the camera feed went up on the tron dean swigs some champagne, takes the bottle and leaves okay, that was really well done but now, we see enzo wandering dejectedly backstage looking for a partner and now we see the family who have good seats because of pizza including the wonderfully-named Enzo Shirtz but yes gallows and anderson are in the ring and here comes enzo all on his onesie does his intro, but it's not the same without a large man gesticulating behind him does his 4G well-connected joke again get new material, dude but he's found himself a new seven-foot man it's a biiiiiig shooooooooow although it would have been amazing if it was braun big show stands in the middle of the ring like what is this tiny rodent enzo tries to give him a pep talk with some semi-coherent jokes mixed in show has progressed from 'bemused' to 'angered' this is the most awkward thing, and i could not do it justice without rubbing a buttered weasel on the keyboard and...now show is doing a joisey-accented monologue with an extended ice age reference before spelling it out for them? what the fuck is in this drink well, the match has started, so i guess the talking can stop bell rings, anderson kicks enzo's soul out of his body standard swift hot tag to show, who...does all the normal show stuff chokeslam to anderson, into badaboomshakalaka except in the form of show military pressing enzo and then just rhowing him straight at anderson well, that was a thing that happened? lasted about 90 seconds anyway next up, women's title match but here are zo and show backstage run into cass, who's like hey funny how show disappears for weeks and then he's back when you need a partner casts suspicion about show being the culprit, enzo wants to give him a ride, but cass takes him away and now let's have a terrible blaxploitation segment full of film references yup but now mike? interviews alexa in the curtain room he asks if she regrets giving nia this shot, she's like i regret this show fuck off faceless dude and back to the arena, here's nia

cut to ads, and...now a weird bit where every version of this i can find appears to have overwritten the entire women's match with the elias segment from earlier the fuck, internet apparently it was pretty much what you might have thought - nia stomped all over alexa, dana and mickie pointed and laughed, and then alexa went and started a fight with those two for a dq win i would have liked to watch that, but guess that's not happening back to the actual show just in time for a graphic for the cruiserweight title match thank fuck i didn't miss that and apparently brock will be here next week i repeat, the champion will be on the show he supposedly leads novel idea so yes, here's everyone's favourite towel-sporting middle-aged-man-strangler and also seth, who didn't try to murder a doughy guy in a suit today bell rings, joe just gets down to punching seth's face in before even taking off his towel seth goes for a suicide dive, joe roundhouse kicks him as he comes out of the ropes, because he is way more flexible than he really should be this match is 10% seth doing cool cruiserweighty shit and 90% joe's hundred flavours of NOPE seth does a sling blade into a suicide dive, and it actually works this time and into a blockbuster because why stop at one signature and as i type that, there goes another suicide dive and then into a falcon arrow, as seth goes fuck you i can do strength spots seth goes up to the top rope, wyatt cut because fuck you lights go back up, seth looks around for a bray who is very much not here, joe blindsides him and coquina clutch until death and we fade on seth bleeding, joe strutting, WOMP WOMPing, and an entirely unnecessary reminder that brock'll be here next week do you have to ruin everything, wwe (don't answer that) smackdown will probably follow tomorrow, after i've gone and been an instrument of democracy but in the meantime, let me tell you about these ants -------------------- And if you enjoyed that, we hope you'll be back next week for our seminar on Following Pheromone Trails In An Increasingly Odoriferous World. right, now that that's done, it's probably time for some FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! (i apologise in advance for any political jokes that slip through) (it's been a tough few days) and we open on a dramatic retelling of the women's five-way last week so yeah, women's mitb is probably going to be the big story this week i've had some of this show spoiled, but i honestly can't remember what, so that's sorted itself out and we're back in the present, and here come the shaney and also the five contenders are in the ring already and one of them's brought their creeper charlotte is looking ridiculously overdressed in her black sequin robe seven words in, shane gets a cheap pop in shane starts introducing them all, calls tamina "a two-time superstar" the fuck does that even mean the crowd love charlotte, but they love becky more apparently we're having a six-woman tag match later because why not have the entire division in the ring *again* drumroll as shane reveals the case it's basically the same, except silver and with some extra detailing on the logo no pink, thank fuck shane has a monologue about how dangerous the mitb match is, like he totally does with the men claims whoever has won this in the past has become champion somewhere, damien sandow is crying ellsworth calls shane out for mansplaining the mitb match, carmella gets a monologue until charlotte shouts her down leans on the genetic superiority thing, offers the other four a chance at brushing against greatness somehow a face? nattie calls her out for ripping off her father, proceeds to do the same to her uncle becky calls her on this, promises to rip off everybody's arms should be worth watching tamina gets to say words, which is novel but here comes naomi gets to do her whole entrance, because fuck this argument i'm the champ hypes the match like dang i wish i was allowed to be in this INTERRUPTING TRASH SAX lana is actually here in person (why do i like this music what is wrong with me) struts down the ramp, everyone in the ring just standing there like um fuck the what shane's like um hi? btw i was trying to do a thing, why are you in my ring shit, she's still russian and weirdly propositioning shane while also asking for a spot in the mitb match naomi just bursts out laughing like do you even go here why do you get to be in this match when you've had like none ever lana claims she can beat naomi, i smell a match for later shane's like seriously this is not how this show works lana has a tantrum in russian, flounces off up the ramp a+ flounce the crowd are loving her shane's like RIGHT back to the actual show that i run let's have this tag match Pun Murderer, FluoroTwerk and Queen Bitch vs Wrestling Mom, Thug Girl (and Douchey), and Obligatory Samoan lots of spots happened while i was working that out, but the gist is it's pretty even so far currently becky is alligator rolling carmella around the ring with her legs there's my thing i haven't seen before for the week apparently carmella taking the briefcase would be "like moving from HD televisions back to nanotubes" i'm going to go out on a limb and say jbl doesn't understand how science works interference by nattie and ellsworth lets tamina hot tag in and grind becky to pulp nattie tags in so she can walk over becky and taunt her teammates she'd be a much more effective wrestler with more wrestling naomi and carmella both hot tag in, the champ commences to cleaning house including three short-arm leg lariats to tamina because hey, if you can manage those, why not throw a bunch in nattie and tamina both come in to interfere, and here's lana to loom on the ramp and knock naomi off the apron, letting tamina superkick her for the pin stands at ringside looking smug like yes i did do that the fuck you gonna do and we go backstage, where shane runs into the andre the giant trophy mid-phone call like the fuck is this horrible public art and here's mojo to address the fact that he won that match and then nothing else fucking ever and be like should i maybe have been in the mitb match being the only person that's beaten jinder on smackdown and all shane offhandedly mentions luke harper, the crowd go wild shane's giving mojo a match against jinder to qualify for the ladder match because as ever, shane books this shit about twenty seconds in advance later we have owens/nakamura but next, styles/ziggler again and weirdly, by 'next', we don't mean 'after someone from the last segment has an encounter backstage' for once here is aj now they still don't want none although by the sound of the crowd, rochester, NY don't not want none dolph enters, recap video of dolph going over aj last week which i had totally forgotten looking more closely at the men's briefcase, the logo detailing's the same so yeah, it's just the colour that's different bell rings, we start going old-school mat wrestling turns out dolph has amateur technical skills that aren't just assaults to the crotch and also, he can dropkick you in the face dolph goes for the most blatant dirty pin, gets caught just before 3 and then a famouser actually connects for a nearfall i tend to rag on them repeating matches, but hey, this is a good match slow superplex setup actually resolves in an interesting way dolph counters a phenomenal forearm into another dirty pin attempt, aj reverses into a styles clash with like no setup, gets the pin because we're actually respecting finishers for the moment and from that to more fashion files noir tyler has a gritty monologue about the connections between prison and the catwalk and narrates himself looking at their clue board fandango returns from taking the cologne to the boys in the lab, only to find out that there's no boys and no lab, so he just tasted it himself as you do

and then this leads into the two of them repeatedly saying a mixture of 'cologne', 'colón' and 'clone' at each other with an increasing sense of incredulity this is like a fucking two ronnies sketch and i love it tyler finally gets it or not nor does fandango, which obviously means they must be close tyler offers a hopeful "Colóse?" and we cut to the new day and their ice cream cart what is life but still with the noir saxophone soundtrack they've come to the fashion police office and are bemused by how they turn black and white as they enter the new day have a case for them, the police say they'll take it, except the new day can't hear them because they're still speaking in their shared noir internal monologue and i am falling apart here big e is uncomfortable with how they're just staring at him but he's got them both rompers carried in his singlet, obviously fandango is not impressed "Listen, Big E, if that's even your real initial..." line of the night right there fandango is offended because they don't take bribes pan over to tyler, who is already wearing his like hey they're fashionable screw you the new day want intel on the usos for mitb breezango hand them five file boxes pull out a hoodie, ask the new day what they know about day one and why it is h xavier is trying so hard not to corpse the fashion police take the case, sax sting, they freeze frame until the new day are like ummmmmmm we'll just go while their noir monologue starts a 'new case rocks' chant that was amazing and you have no idea how many times i had to pause it to type but back in normality...oh wait, it's mojo i still can't hear his music without my brain adding zack's parts and here's a video to tell us that cena's coming back on july 4th, because of course he fucking is i thought jinder's music was different to usual but it's the singhs doing ring announce for jinder in english and punjabi and there's the music i was expecting i really like the ramp graphics they do for his entrance and he remains jacked as fuck somewhere in america, heath slater is watching smackdown and nxt and developing an inferiority complex it's just occurred to me that jinder's and aj's entrances have basically the same beat and structure somebody make me that mashup maybe this entrance is just they don't want none in punjabi that would be amazing i love how they've given jinder a properly long entrance with some gravitas and just generally how seriously they're taking him as a champion mojo is getting the upper hand with the power of HYPE (always upper case) every time jinder rolls out of the ring, the singhs are like omg boss are you ok can i get you a drink and they just have long arguments in punjabi and don't even try and let the average american in on it a singh distracts mojo and lets jinder just jump on his head a bunch doesn't take, because that's never where mojo keeps his brain flurry of offence later, jinder gets an eye rake in and khalass for the pin decent match by two underrated performers jinder's veins seem to have calmed down a bit too, which is reassuring jinder has a mic, the population of rochester is not pleased oh, fuck off your usa chants promises to kill randy and crush his dreams at mitb, leans on the hometown angle again proclaims himself the antidote to randy orton, and by extension america and then does a promo in punjabi, pissing off americans because america another hype bit for owens/nakamura and a video about how cool shinsuke is and somebody painting a protrait of him this video is basically all showmanship, but that's totally appropriate he's great in the ring, but that's not why people love him but next, the new day actually fight and they keep saying it's owens/nakamura 'for the first time ever' i have gifs that disagree but now, randy is backstage renee comes in to ask what he thinks about jinder's promo apparently he's been getting calls from ric flair, harley race and his dad, telling him to let jinder talk and then fuck him up so that's what he's going to do sure, that's compelling interview work but actually now, it's the new day v the colóns they're still throwing boxes of cereal into the crowd and pouring them on fans, because fuck your health and safety it's xavier/e, because this isn't a serious match so naturally, jbl goes off on a tangent about operation overlord this is 90% the colóns taking all the new day spots you know and love xavier and e do the ab stretch/spank thing at the same time, xavier somehow gets francesca ii turbo despite having a match to wrestle in a side note, primo's gone and shaved, so now i have no clue which colón is which xavier does a huge missile dropkick on epico, double hot tag and big e proceeds to annihilate primo xavier does a casual tope con giro, primo tries for a pin from the distraction, fails because fuck you we're the new day, blind tag into midnight hour for the pin their post-match celebration is interrupted by the usos' aggressive music they're here to talk trash at the new day and do their prison thing, astonishingly and they have shitty misogynistic jokes about the new day and jimmy's paranoia monologue i do like that they're doing all this mic work, but can we maybe not be offensive to marginalised groups shot of kevin taping his wrists backstage, but here's dasha in the curtain room with sami asking how he's preparing for mitb he's been watching lots of matches, basically and he has no idea how to get a handle on shinsuke slippery bastard sami tries to do some of shinsuke's moves, it doesn't go well so he's going to be on announce for owens/nakamura for research purposes baron looms into the room, coldcocks sami then hits him with a ladder like stop thinking about shinsuke don't you love me and then pushes him into a convenient pile of ladders and says he's taking the announce spot cut to shane on the phone like i am literally watching the show what the shit was that why do i keep that enormous douchebag around man spends a lot of time in expository phone calls (says the woman narrating the entire show on the internet) but here's naomi to ask for a match with lana at mitb shane's like seriously you have no clue how busy i am right now naomi lobbies harder, puts the title on the line after saying lana doesn't deserve a title shot because she hasn't earned it? does the bald-snatching line, end segment and now main event time here's kevin good sweeping shot of the ring apron and floor, wrong steadicam guy #smackdownediting ad for talking smack, with aj, mojo, and lana and tjp telling us to watch 205 becuse he's awesome [citation needed] claims you can't stab someone in the back if they're standing in front of you tjp has clearly never heard of the concept of elbows baron's on announce great the two facts they put on shinsuke's sidebar are literally 'from kyoto' and 'former nxt superstar' fascinating but what do i care, i'm busy watching him in his studded tabard that everybody will be wearing in the future bell rings, shinsuke does his oh did you want a tieup i'm just going to kick you in the knees baron talks about his storied history of fucking sami up nobody cares, you balding twat kevin has briefly tried to take shinsuke on at the kicking game, failed, and returned to mastering headlocks shinsuke's kicked off a comeback with a lovely single leg dropkick nearfall off his knees to the corner baron acknowledges that shinsuke is dangerous, my no shit alarm is destroying my eardrums (daniel, can you please take the batteries out of that) baron's still trying to talk smack about kevin, but his particular brand of smack is just shite meanwhile, reverse exploder to kinshasa for the win a lightly underwhelming main event, tbh, but shinsuke's clearly been holding back on the in-ring stuff since moving up which makes perfect sense shinsuke does his poses, corbin runs in to end of days him so hard his stupid hat comes off crowd are not best pleased i'm mostly just concerned as to why he's dressed like the second-rate pot dealer at every college (baron, that is) (i would love it if people at my college dressed like shinsuke) and we fade on baron awkwardly posing at the top of the ramp and having no idea what do with his arms halfhearted shimmy as the show ends and now i'm off to watch talking smack and make shitty political jokes you can't stop me you're not my real dad (one of you reading this is my real dad and can stop me) (also possibly daniel's uncle, if he actually reads this) (memo to self: stop antagonising authority figures for literally no reason)

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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