#u know me i never think things thru ]

[boxwinebaddie]

i feel like i’ve written some version of divorce era kyle describing how frightening looking at a stan he thinks HATES him is like A Million Times, but i feel like i can never articulate the quiet mounting Horror quite right, but this is the one i like the best thus far, i think? xx

#nina writes sometimes #listen its leading somewhere funny and interesting and zesty i promise but i wanted to do prose girl stuff for a second #i love bein in my talking about my obscure fanfic writing weird snippets of things just for me and yelling into the void era #this is hot girl shit #but yeah there is something so shiny and irresistible to me about writing about character transformation thru other eyes #specifically watching a brutal character become gentle or a gentle character become brutal #usually due to the eventual presence or sudden absence... #of love or affection #yes i am in a philosophical mood idk what is wrong with me but idk its interesting to me i like intense emotions a lot #weaponization and deweaponization #belonging to someone and them not belonging to u back #i didn't know how to word it but in essence #in his heart that is Still His Stan #but he is Nobody's Kyle #i want to start screaming anyways yeah i always fuck it up it never sounds right but i think i finally like it idk #please enjoy or don't my writing exercise #also lastly i love how horrifiying this is and awful scary sad detached ravenstan is to jersey but that he cant be upset #because he MADE that happen and its HIS fault #so he just has to live knowing he killed the person he loved #by not being able to articulate that love to them and fail them #because you were too afraid to be weak or vulnerable #and by proxy you feel your weakest and most vulnerable #OKAY I AM DONE YAY ANYWAYS!

[lemongogo]

hi

#yall ths art block is so bad its actually making me so stressed out😭😭😭 #its been awful plenty of times before BUT THISSS???IT FEELS NEVER ENDINGGG #so fucking frustrating-__- and i was finally working on smth i had started to like yday #but i hit this mid point where i didnt know How 2 break thru from like .. rough > finished #and im like T__T . brah . head in my hands #IDK WHAT TO DOOOOOOO . < lamenting . < woe is me . #sry i luv talking abt it . its therapeutic tbh . what do u guys do when u are in this position #i also try to go back to basics and j do gesture studies until i feel more capable #but im like shakig the bars of my cage . let me do smt fun again. please ❤️ PLEASEE ❤️ #i think part of it is also imposter syndrome whre like .. u see so many people u look up to doing so many cool things w their art #and its like . falling back into the trap of comparison and feeling like nothing u make can replicate the feeling of seeing those other #things ykwim🤔 #sick in da head . i think its also a twt issue #like ever since i started posting on there ive been feeling like i have 2 make . quote unquote good things which . obviously dookie sentimen #bc any art is objectively good art there isnt like . U CANT BE BAD YKWIM HELP #but when i j posted to tumblr it was like . u send it off like slapping a horse on the ass and u see it ride away and its so lowkey #and fun.. the community here is so muchc fun .. j dont feel pressured here #smiles sweetly #<gi influence #maybe ill delete the app 4 a while until i feel normal again #guys we need to kill all social media #guys we need to go back to drawing sheep on rocks (<giotto ref( #if i had 2 elaborate ig it feels like . i am following the path of most resistance -__- like wading hesdstrong in2 waves that keep pushing #me back . theres so much i want to do Wish i could do but its like damn i can barely draw like two complete things over the course of 2-3 mo #from how HARD IT ISSS🚶and my aphantasia compounds it . fumbling arnd in a dark room hoping smth sticks #graa.. i think its the realization that i couldnt ever do art professionally bc im such an obstinate artist T_T #tbh saying all this now its like looking up in2 the eyes of all my art insecurities looming over me #CASTING 100 FT SHADOWWWW🧍 #whteve . check back on me in 2 months hopefully i feel normal ab it then

[bunnihearted]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[tytonnidaie]

i love to read meta of knives as an abuser and nod my head thoughtfully at all great points and then once the post ends i go back to considering him as my darling son who never did anything wrong ever

#let him out your honour yeah he did it all but i dont care #he had some points #so what he and his twin brother fell into and perpetuated the cycle of abuse that hurts each other #they broke out of it at the end. that has to count #“we cant go back. we cant be those brothers again. so ill kill you if you kill me. why didnt you kill me. WHY DID YOU SAVE ME” #and then at the end he did the thing vash tried to save him from anyway (disappearing forever and ever and ever and ever and ) #sorry. lots of thoughts abt these tragic siblings #forever thinking about how vash threw the first stone between them #like that fuckssssss me up #i know tristamp changed that #but to me its always. knives loving him thru violence bc its the only way that makes sense. only for vash to use it on him #so of course knives lashed out. imagine realising the thing u use to protect ur brother can hurt you back just as bad #imagine killing a town of people that hurt your brother only for him to shoot you #and then you cut his arm off #not taking any critique at this time. im fully aware of the text. im just choosing to love him anyway :) #this is also why i find swap fic sooooo compelling. where vash is the dangerous one and knives is his victim #oooo u are two sides of the same coin. you could have been each other if only a few things went differently #but you could never be The Same

[yunwooz]

woosang ♡ for @miinsang

#lunagifs #luna.gifs #*ateez #*wooyoung #*yeosang #the woo to my sang the san to my woo #u tease me a lot... A LOT!!! #but u always take care of me too n ur just like woo in that way... #it's crazy to think of how many years it's been already #i can say without a DOUBT that you are one of the reasons i made it thru the panini and all that #we've been thru lots of friend groups and changes in friends and all that a lot together #and i know we joke about it a lot but really im so happy that we've stayed with each other thru it al :(( #i cant imagine having to go thru that alone esp when it felt like it just kept happening over and over #and when i had to finish uni alone at home i would always be super down bc i didnt get to go out and make friends #but one of the reasons i was still okay was bc i had you and i knew i could always bother you 👹 #we're both pretty quiet when things bother us #and it still amazes me that we've been friends for so long and have never fought i'd never had a friendship like that until i met you :(( #but sometimes you'll come to my dms and know exactly what's bothering me without me saying a WORD!!! #thank you for always being there for me and letting me be there for you in return

[antielevator]

@moldcursed sent: injury meme. // go feral, pick something. ✌️

"Fffffuck--!"

Sebastian has to dig his fingers into the dirt beneath him to keep from wrapping his palm around Ethan's throat. He's not in his right mind-- he can't be in his right mind, because this isn't the Ethan he remembers-- and in that, murder just doesn't feel right.

He's lost too many people. Being directly responsible for the death of one of them feels like too much even in theory.

"Are you--" God, it hurts. "Fucking done, then?"

He doesn't look down at the wound Ethan created in him. He won't even try to make sense of it. Sebastian clings onto the pathetic, miserable possibility that Ethan is still in there somewhere based solely on the fact that he didn't aim for anything vital.

His heels dig into the ground, and as he presses his fingers in harder, dirt collects thickly under his nails.

"Get a hold of yourself, Winters."

That might have come out firmer if Sebastian wasn't trying not to groan in pain.

#[ i went for ''dig'' and i'm going with some offshoot of mold man AU where #idk. it fucks up his amygdala. it makes him hungry #evie never died? #something that makes him bonkers??? #u know me i never think things thru ] #moldcursed #[ let me know if you'd rather a diff prompt / scenario 😭 ] #thread.

[abstractlesbian]

Find someone slightly annoying but in really small harmless ways so I decide none of the behaviours are worth bringing up with them → realizing: hey, Im also annoying! solidarity! → realizing we have a lot in common and starting to bond → finding out other people find this person annoying and are vocal about it behind their back → finding out this person has ADHD like me that's (at least one reason) why we have all these traits in common → fear.

#trying to be as vague as possible even tho this is someone I know offline and no one involved follows me online #on one level I get it that relying someone who is forgetful and does things slower/differently than you can be frustrating #but like its a medical condition. and u dont need to know someones medical info to have some empathy instead of assuming malice/incompetence #i just found out they have adhd today but day one i was able to go 'wow i did not like the way they handled that but i dont think they were #being hurtful/careless we just handle this task differently. rhey didnt do anything wrong and i can let this go and adjust my expectations' #not to say im perfect and never ableist towards others. my first reaction to seeing traits i dislike in myself (from my disabilities) #in others is often to get annoyed and needing to adjust my thinking #i get annoyed with myself when I cant focus / cant be coherent or concise / cant finish tasks quickly etc #→ get annoyed sometimes when I see others doing that → realize thats not fair to them → realize thats not fair to myself #→ assume good intentions and find ways to communicate/collaborate better with them → get along better and maybe make a new friend! #sorry i am rambling #idk its scary seeing someone being disliked for adhd symptoms/traits that im mostly doing a good job of managing/hiding in this #social environment so far and knowing that could happen to me in the future #but im also like ready to have this persons back #me 🤝 them: prioritizing the wrong tasks and overexplaining things and struglging to get our points across #and not noticing when we talk too loud and forgetting tasks halfway thru etc #not to be that guy but : without love it canmot be seen!!!! #lifes so much better if u just assume ppl arent doing things a certain way to be annoying + let go of / adapt to the thing that are annoying #but not harmful #thats not exactly what without love it cant be seen means but thats one of the ways i apply it in life #just like dont assume malice. assume u dont have all the info. approach ppl/situations with empathy. #or youll make yourself more miserable needlessly #again like only for shit that's not harmful obv #i need to shut up and go to bed

[munamania]

i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there

#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru #but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days #and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay! #and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing #i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail #i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time #not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me #im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me #anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early #i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great #and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most #expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth #but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans #but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated #about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like #u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends #w yall. things happen #abby talks #and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw #a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes #OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it #was years ago but also like christ!

[astrxealis]

sorry to ffxivlovepost always anyway Man the way the devs & game did so good in making an mc that is Basically a blank-slate for the players, and there's so many opportunities to make your oc However you like but. the game itself adds so much story and character to that blank-slate guy. amazing

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚ #i think abt this a lot. and also a lot of other ffxiv stuff LMFAO #it's amazing ..... drk is a huge example of this i think #bcs it plays into the guilt and whatnot the wol feels and all that. spectacular #endwalker !!!!! shadowbringers!!! the way the game uses the concept of hope is just always so beautiful and fascinating to me #and yeah bunch of games may have like. mc you create & design but not always can you like. ehvejfhsjf idk how to explain LOL #it is 4 pm i woke up 2 hours ago but priorly woke at 7 am after havingn a rlly. weird sleep. #to which my twin told me 'i wont tell u what time it is' as we went to sleep so it def was Really late #bcs we were going thru re2 and she was also playing games on steam i've been telling her to play #(to which i got her fav characters right and knew fr how'd she'd like the game LMFAO. twins amiright.) #actually that is also smth so fascinating to me bcs. i always have had someone w me in my life. i am literally never alone. #to which what i'm getting at here is Wow... it's like having a sleepover every single day. and i was a kid always sad never to have #sleepovers bcs my parents were strict (they r cool tho!) but i was a kid who wanted to experience all the kid things #but i didn't rlly but that's fine :P i am a grateful person LOL anyway back on track back on black #ffxiv... the game that u are..... #it's the 1st game that rlly actually made me invested in the ocs of others and also make a fully fledged oc that wasn't just originally mine #but for a fandom or something. and also it got me back into writing and Into making poetry and prose so. yeah. #it's amazing how much. oc x canon ???? yeah. ffxiv is so Wow #like eveyrhhting w themis or graha and how u can AAGGGHHH shit w your oc . so many possibilities #and that character. those possibilities. are already in game but also expanded by the player and the fanbade and #idk it's so beautiful to me WHAGHSGDJDH. and yes me saying themis or graha up there is self-indukgent bcs #both of them are so Insane it's so. insane!!!!! i will never forget what happened in abyssos in particular that Broke me #and anabaseios... :)) i cried so much it is almost embarrassing. and wow. asphodelos. wverything w themis just. yeah #anyway graha... self-explanatory if u know..... idk he's the character of all time to me. simply said. but themis is crazy bcs going thru ab #yssos made me think for a bit 'hey themis might be my fav character in ffxiv now' but No but also Wow. wow #kinda cute bcs me and my twin have a thing where she has a certain type of chara she likes and me too #so sometimes. most times. all times. we have our own characters we like anyway but sometimes they overlap but either the case we kinda #lowkey 'segregate???' idk if that is a good word but we do that w our fav characters. so like emet is her fav elidibus is mine. #and that was all the way in arrr alr and we barely knew spoilers so that's kinda crazy! anyway

[boxwinebaddie]

an uncle nina check in <3

hi team! thanks for sticking around! i know my blog isn't always the most exciting and enriching place in the world in terms of content, but i am very /content/ to have you all here. <3333

i promise, oddly enough, i have A TON of inspiration and ideas for all my weird styles ( if you're curious about anything please lmk! i've been trying to flesh out my aus out lately ), i've just been in a major bummer depression era lately, so it's hard for me to get my asks done and i'm having a hard time committing to finishing my writing. :<

i think it's because of stress and my bipolar, but i am trying to get back on the horse! ( are we all laughing at the idea of me trying to get on a horse? i'd start crying help city girl fail moment for me ) yeehaw!

and while, unfortunately due to the instability ( fabulous legendary iconery ) of my pretty girl popstar personality, i do not know whether i will be answering almost no questions or one million, regardless of that, i just wanted to let you know, i'm still here, still kicking my feet, twirling my hair, cooking...i'm just really trying not to force myself to put out anything i don't like...and only do what makes me truly happy.

however, nothing, my dear sweet e-darlings...

makes me happier than coming home to all of you. <333

so thank you for flooding even the darkest corners of my life with bright light, supporting my phantom fics and being wonderful,

uncle nina xx

#nina speaks #hi my loves #idk what the point of this was #i just know my blog is really inconsistent and i know i dont really post anything or anything that useful #but i wanted you to know that i love you very much and i still care a lot about all of you and all my content actually #which i have been fleshing out in notebooks and google docs i've been doing lots of world building and character study #so feel free to ask me something challenging about any part of my nina sp auniverse that interests u itll make my brain work #i've also been taking very silly but dilligent notes abt what ravesey style looks like for ter so if u want to laff at those u can #i just love taking notes on detail and understanding exactly what characters look like or what settings appear like idk #might be some experimental writing on here i like doing different mediums like i was being silly #and started writing a netflix trailer for rm haha i also have been doing weird personality tests and questionnaires #i've been trying to think very deeply about tkak and my tfbw styles if u have any questions there and am deep plotting rm #trying to be impactful while also keeping things fun and learning to enjoy myself again i suppose #so again thakn u for being here sorry its weird on here but thank u for supporting me as i learn and grow my sunshines #also ik i have a ton of asks and uve already asked me so many things so never feel inclined to message me #but i love hearing what ur curious about hopefully i can answer some stuff eventually but again im on a break #i'm here but i'm not this is a safe place we try and fail we have fun and promote style world domination thru my weird styles #ilysm i'm shutting up now i promise i'm still here i'm just trying to be healthy and happy esp rn when i am not emotionally well #gotta protect my peace and my vibe palace but im still here! #MWAH MWAH MWAAAAAH #really trying to heal my inner child or like the girl in me that liked to write silly stories and create crazy things #weird hcs big dramatic plots silly stuff...i want to honor that girl because she was happy and free and had fun #and i want to do that again so lets have fun guys #no judgement no seriousness just good vibes and good reads #welcome to the uncle nina learns to laugh again arc #i hope you enjoy it

[quirkle2]

i must be a little tumblr baby born in the tumblr cave cuz i am Not understanding how twitter works

#qktalks #hate this place . whatthe hell is going on #i don't understand the hashtags. i get that it's an organization thing i got that part #but i also see plenty of art posts Not tagged w anything #and yet they're rly popular and have tones of notes. likes? whatever they're called #so how did people find that. the algorithm? how did the Algorithm know to show them that if the post isn't tagged #what is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #not that it matters very much that i don't understand i'll never once post anything here #i just wanna browse art. i have done more blocking of reimob freaks than browse art tho so #wonderful sign. twitter is full of normal people that i don't want to maim #also there's no icon next to names to let me know i follow them which sucks #normally that wouldn't be a huuge problem but rn i'm following mainly japanese accounts #and i <3 can't read their names. or memorize them. they r in a different language w complicated little characters i don't understand #i sound like such a boomer .bury me in the yard #edit actually i rly like following exclusively japanese accounts bc it means whatever text is on my feed i cannot read #this is like looking thru a picture book. i cannot hear anybody's dumbass takes. bliss on twitter? more likely than u think

[izzy-b-hands]

im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just

it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)

#text post #god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again #in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps #makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now #gonna sleep eventually #i think lmao #im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better #that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something #no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that #my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it #he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances) #and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year #i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND #and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live #that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me #he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off #where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself #if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao #i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine #gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings #find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try #forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others

[monsterbisexual]

feeling like im being driven to my execution (its a drs appointment)

#p #also thats a little dramatic but i do hate them so much #i was feelin like well ill be uncomfortable n miserable but its not the end of the world #buuuut then i remembered (TMI AHEAD U HAVE BEEN WARNED) #that last month ish when i was here for an actual concern (n agreed to this physical bleh) #i was told im overdue for another pap smear n like they cant force me into it ofc but i know its smart to do it #cuz i already have lots of anxieties abt what if i secretly have some disease or condition n im gonna die blah blah blahh #but last time it was so awful n i was like crying thru it cuz of the pain which. isnt normal #googling it afterwards i found ppl saying stuff like 'it might be weird n uncomfortable but not too bad' #so i was like well ok thats just me then i guess :/ #n anyway i def think i have that condition called w/e cuz ive never been able to do any kind of like. anything in there #not like day to day its a huge deal but for this its not too fortunate :/ #so long story short i remembered ill have to decide if ill let them do it again at this appt #n i was reading abt the process again n then uh oh crying -_- #omw now n idk what ill do tbh. def wanna say no but also idk i shld be responsible or smth #dies instead. #n anyway even if its just the super basic physical theyre gonna do ill still wanna become an incorporeal entity thing #hate it hereeeee (body) #its a PA im seeing who i remember being nice some other time i saw her so theres that at least #theyre gonna wanna weigh me tho i forgot that too jeez #i said no last time but idk. kms

[dykekakashi]

maybe it's bc i'm on the opposite end of this attitude where i feel like, i'm constantly grappling w my capacity to do things that are harmful but there is nothing more frustrating than dealing w ppl who seem themselves as completely incapable of harming others. there was a post i saw abt this the other day that was more in jest making fun of ppl who see themselves as uwu sweethearts but it is so fucking real

#i am not as bad abt this as i used to be like. whereas it was #a consistent internal struggle it's just kind of a passive acceptance now #and i do think it's a good thing to be aware of how u are capable of #inflicting harm on others #but it's also not pleasant to acknowledge. ig part of me #is envious and also upset w ppl who can go thru life like this #always telling a story in which they r the good person. could never be me #and it's like then that means u rly haven't let go of the good vs bad person catholic mentality. if u need to be a good person so badly #but well you know. takes some time.

[pinkseas]

girls who have all their lives struggled with worthiness and have spent a solid decade convinced that they were undeserving of love fighting desperately to be good enough to be loved in any capacity by anyone at all, constantly failing constantly being left behind, when someone they dearly care for and genuinely trust just Very Casually tells them that they are easy to love

#diary time sorry this is kinda :// im just like. REELING #'damn shocked you into silence' GENUINELY YEAH 😭😭😭 #like okay. okay. okay. okay. cool. take a belief ive held onto my entire life and flip it on its head with no effort at all. yeah thats fin #it feels SO silly to say im like Shaky bc of this but i have a whole ass complex built around it ive worked thru sm in therapy for years no #but this is one of the only things left that still (consistently) REALLY fucks me up and that i cant get through my head #and not for lack of trying its a work in progress if u will but. god. #genuinely one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me i think this is going to live with me for the rest of my life #or at least for the next decade #u know when someone says smth or tells u smth and u just Never Forget It like its too meaningful for you to let go of? #whether good or bad? #this is obviously Very Good which is strange in of itself but also holy shit. holy shit. holy shit #and idk i try to surface level be. Like This? silly goofy kind etc? but to hear that from someone who knows me PRETTY damn well #and who i have sm respect for and put sm trust in #like okay. okay. okay .okay. okay. okay. yeah. sure. yeah. mmhmm. alright. cool. okay.yeah. alright. #one million explosions #alyalyoxenfree #cant decide if i want him to see this or not #thats always a weird moment of someone saying something genuinely life-changing and then its like oh shit #do i suddenly dump all this baggage on you for the sole purpose of making you understand how meaningful this is to me #or do i do. Not That. and simply carry on forever changed for the better

[dandyshucks]

i think it is a little bit funny (not necessarily haha funny but like a "huh. thats something." sort of funny) that the two main F/Os of mine (Guz and Julian) both have abusive parents fnfkdl like ,,, idk i guess like attracts like but ough theres something about that that makes me feel a little bit "this probably says too much about me" dbdkdkl (also the mk system,, and one could make an argument for the celestial robots too tbh with how theyre treated at the company djdksl)

#its been a day fhdksl #my mother is getting into some stuff that rly fucks w my brain and easily sets off psychosis symptoms so im ... ack! #im trying very hard to keep those thinking patterns out of reach and keep myself tethered but hough its gonna be a bit interesting here #the difficult thing w this is that it is impossible to disprove a lot of the thoughts and beliefs that come into play with these topics #not that arguing with delusions does any good generally speaking (and only harms usually) but ... argh ! frustrating ! #and by beliefs i mean delusions here. i do not want to argue with spiritual/religious beliefs djdksl esp if theyre not hurting anyone #i want to argue with my shitty brain trying to convince me that [redacted] is true (not going to say just in case it sets other ppl off) #and then when u throw double bookkeeping into the mix... well. now ur well and truly fucked djdkdl #ANYWAYS. it is struggle momence over here now eeyikes! #the comforting thought ''my f/o would understand my situation and would have their own experiences to draw from to know how to comfort me'' #(and i could comfort them when they struggle w flashbacks or triggers or just plain and simple difficult days) #i would never want anyone to go thru this bc it is absolute hell and nobody should ever experience this. but... #there is comfort in knowing somebody else Understands bc they've been thru it too (or similar enough that they get it) #abuse tw #vent // #for the tags mostly djfkdl #dandy.cmd