#u know maybe like…. doing something with that…. anything at all even…………..

[simptasia]

some of you... a disturbing amount actually... will see people have a sincere and passionate love for their interests and be like “disgusting. you should be ashamed for being so happy. you’re annoying and i hate you”

and like, dude, you’re the fucking annoying one

#there are literally too many examples that come to mind #i am once again blasting cringe culture here. so anything some bitter cynical ''Im So Much More Mature Than You'' cunts #have decided is an Unacceptable interest to have #like theatre. or some video games. or ALL video games. or anime. or being a furry. or cartoons in general. or fanfiction #superhero movies. gaming youtubers as a concept. using twitter. using tumblr (???). using discord. using instagram #side note: these weird website turf war things are fucking bizarre. you guys do know people are capable of using more than one website right #if you hate using a website maybe either don't use it or fucking follow people you like #but anyways back on track. like those are just few of many many examples i could #of things that aren't actually bad to like. but some people. a very loud and nasty groupof people will deem it Cringe #Cringe. Cursed. Basic. Gross. Creepy. Freaks #things that not only are inherently not bad things to like but a fair amount of the time #the people you see getting super into their interests are neurodivergent! #and even if not. even with neurotypicals. you shouldn't fucking bully people! #i've made so many versions of this exact post over the years. but im doing it again #because im fucking angry #because i see this shit all the time #why don't people mind their own business. if something doesn't interest you. just go about ur day! #why feel the need to dunk on people who like this thing that u don't like??? #thats the thing i don't understand #and shit like this is why posts like ''let people do what they like? well i like being a hater. checkmate" don't fucking amuse me #thats NOT something to be proud of and it's not behaviour that should be encouraged! #anyways. fuck cringe culture. leave innocent people alone you fucks

[ihatebnha]

hey pretty, I just wanted to tell you that it's not your fics that makes this your blog, it's you!! so don't feel like to be here you have to be "working" or "posting". you're you and I love u for that. really, I love it when you answer asks, you're so polite, gentle and funny, it actually makes us wanna talk to you. but!! if one day this whole thing ever overwhelms you it's okay baby. just wanted to let you know that you alredy give us so much <33 you are amazing in indulging our thoughts, you give us tiktok content and amazing dad headcanons for all the characters!! know you're doing great, you really are active here and we love you 💗❤❤

#cries for literally 100 years #thank you so incredibly much for this anon :(((( truly truly truly #hardly know how to express what i wanna so i have to stay in the tags so i don't end up blubbering all over u adslfjkjasnd #no one has ever ............... said anything like this to me before #at least about ... my content and how active i am and stuff #i always feel like im never doing enough. ALWAYS. even when i post a lot i just wish i could post more #and maybe its just cuz im comparing myself to my old self #but it makes me sad bc i just feel like u all deserve more than whats happening now #and usually im reassured by the fact that like... something IS better than nothing... esp w/ quality over quantity #but at the same time... idk. all my content seems so. rudimentary #so it's like. when i cant produce a lot of it... what am i even doing? #and honestly i think my burnout mostly comes from the fact that im sick of doing homework and the prospects of relaxing this summer #are just too good to give up (making even focusing on this blog hard) BUT IDK #it triggers my performance anxiety... like what if ppl hate me if i do bad... or am not the way i used to be... you know? #anyway thats just mostly to say... I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS. TRULY. i don't think ive ever been complimented this way #and i appreciate it beyond. words. #not sure how im gonna feel in 2-3 weeks after i settle myself for the summer but. as long as u dont mind the fact that im slow... #that's enough for me <3 just need to find my spark again (which is funny cuz im watching bnha s5 rn and its really got me like... HUH) #ajfdjalsjdfj sorry to talk ur ear off tho bc what u said is really so reassuring... i just AHHHH and want u to know i love u lots #forever and ever and ever #ask #anon #caitie chats #fave

[cruelsister-moved2]

it does make me insane how many people who think of themselves as extremely trans inclusive express the belief that somehow being afab gives them a kind of back door into lesbianism. i saw an ask yesterday that said 'is it okay if an afab genderfluid person follows you' to a lesbian who asked men not to follow them. i cant figure out why they thought it was more relevant that they're afab than specifying the actual genders they're fluid between.

the trans guys who recently have gotten very into identifying as dykes and butches (including the ones who are mostly attracted to men) and expressing that this is an identity completely detached from womanhood to which they have some historical claim... do you think an amab person with the same gender as you would have any claim to being a dyke or a butch? you don't consider yourself as being exclusionary to trans lesbians, but you have established a framework in which the bar to entry is much higher for amab people whereas all afab people have an automatic golden ticket regardless of their identity.

that's not to even get into all the trans guys who exist unchallenged on lesbian dating apps whilst even gender conforming binary trans women are endlessly harassed. the guys who express outrage that they weren't included in a lesbian space they assumed they were entitled to. the afab nonbinary people who are incensed at the idea of lesbian identity having anything at all to do with being a woman, and even openly mock lesbians who are proudly identified with womanhood???

this isnt directed at the way most lesbians, including trans lesbians, have complicated and unique relationships with womanhood that we define on our own terms. i just think that maybe some people need to be more critical of whether you're actually relying on birth sex to some degree in defining these categories, even if you don't think of yourself as someone who would categorically reject the idea of a trans woman who is a lesbian.

#maybe some of them would literally say yes a cis man can call himself a dyke but in that case like #it doesn't even mean anything at all and it's pointless #so thats not really better but i find that a lot of ppl who appear to be operating on Vibe as to what counts as dyke/lesbian/butch #are actually just operating on agab #sorry for all the long posts atm but like how do I even say this in short form #its got to the point it just makes me so MAD #like it's insane how a trans guy will go to something that advertises itself as for lesbians and be absolutely furious when someone is like #this doesn't include men #but a trans lesbian has to approach every lesbian space extremely cautiously with the expectation that her presence there will #100% be challenged and 50% be excluded altogether #and its like. u know who else advocates for trans men to be universally included with women and lesbians? #and do u know on what basis they do so?

[modernday-jay]

controversial take but i think people on tiktok are… mean :(

#NO BUT SERIOUSLY LIKE #idk how to explain it #everyones just so #desensitised to things nowadays? to the point that it’s kinda??? really sad???? #maybe im just emotional but idk #some people just have no heart in the comments sometimes 💀 #like someone will be trying to discuss a serious topic or something #and i get that tiktoks probably not the best place to be doing that because you cant expect genuine feedback on that platform #but also??? the comments will just be… terrible… #like idk 5th grade ‘lol so what’ energy and its just like 💀 bruh shut up #like what did you contribute besides making someone feel bad #or even the comments on people just having fun #like mfs… take ur negative energy somewhere else… go outside… touch some grass literally. #they also just dont know how to have fun sometimes #it makes me think like ‘have u ever… enjoyed something? like… in ur life??? anything at all?????’ #like everyone says tumblrs bad but i feel like tiktoks producing some of the most chronically online people ever and it’s 🥴🤢😞

[apathyfairy]

every year i wake up the day after my birthday and my brain is like “welcome to the day after your birthday crisis!! you need to change everything in your life and make amends with everyone as well. also go in the bathroom and cut your own hair.”

#im about to cut my hair but here's my issue and this happens every year #my f*ther talks to me exactly once a year and by talks to me i mean he sends me a text on my birthday that says happy birthday #and also he throws in a merry christmas so he doesnt have to talk to me again SKDJF and just typing that i can see this is such a non issue #but anyway i havent seen him since i was 13 and he p much stopped talking to me all together when i was probably 15 #like the last time i remember talking to him on the phone was when i was 16 and he called to tell me my grandma died and that was over 10 #years ago so anyway the issue is of course i feel guilty for not talking to him EVEN THOUGH he's the parent #and he should be trying to reach out and talk to me. HOWEVER he's actually insane and so am i so i know that the reason he wont talk to me #is a. because he thinks i stopped talking to him and he's not talking to me to 'respect my wishes' which is bullshit because b. the real #reason he stopped talking to me is because he's mad at me for not kissing his ass when i was growing up even though. again. #HE'S the parent quote unquote and HE should have been making the effort because i was a Child #or am i wrong literally i dont know #anyway he's a selfish asshole and i know that he's also emotionally abusive i know that #and i HATE this phrase more than anything and i do not condone using it but he is my dad. you know #and i hate that as i get older literally im a senior citizen now and im like well.....maybe we should just catch up or something i dont know #he didnt even congratulate me on graduating college or even high school for that matter like #i know he knew because his dad my grandpa knew it's not like he asked me or anything anyway #and i guess my thing is like. ever since i found out my ex died like here we go again with this i KNOW. #ever since i found that out im like well. maybe it is better to just be vulnerable and tell people things while you can #because when you can't it fucking blows so hard. so im like. maybe i should just take the plunge and be like maybe we should #talk sometime like i dont know i know it's a bad idea believe me i do because he's the kind of guy who u give an inch and he takes a mile #like and then he does have me thinking like i shouldve been more responsive when he would text me but then again. like i keep saying. #he's the parent and he shouldnt have just given up on me right OR NOT I Literally dont know #anyway i didnt send him my obligatory thanks! text because im deciding if i want to kill myself and say we should talk some time because i #dont know if i want the consequences. i mean at this point we honestly are strangers he hasnt seen me since i was 13 #like if we ran into each other on the street he wouldnt in a million years know it was me like i dont know. i just dont know what to do #not to have daddy issues on main but what do i do

[sofhtie]

man i. love playing yaz because she is Good At Her Job but also she’s SO stressed about how bad she’s been at it lately

#it’s. shes Great in combat wow can she take hits wow can she do damage! that’s Her Job and she’s GOOD at it!!! #but. well. will had to use luck! and beck’s place got broken into! and patch got possessed and there are so many dangers we barely even #understand! let alone know how to SOLVE! and it’s. that’s her JOB she’s supposed to PROTECT people! #having that little convo with beck about like. responsibility when u have magic. and her asking if it’s everyone or if it’s Yaz who was that #total responsibility. WOW that was a fun thing to figure out 🥺👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 #truly about half of my brain during that was just. a loop of ‘don’t make her cami don’t make her cami don’t make her cami’ 😭 #but also i really think. yaz Doesnt expect everyone to do this! the supernatural world is large and complicated and messy #and maybe she thinks people Should do more to protect others but. it’s being Everyones Job is something she grew out of by now #people just have to be responsible! not make things Worse for normal people! #it’s still her job tho <3 #i. sigh fucking up that magic. it’s her job to PROTECT people and she put beck in MORE danger. #she made the calculation that it was more important to focus on the little guys than the webbing and will had to use luck! #she’s messing up! she’s not being as good at this as she should be! #ALL she wants to to be able to protect this town but she’s not able to DO it :[ there is so much going on and so many layers of problems #and like. man she sure is gonna keep trying! but i think it’s realy fun upsetting headinhands how much she keeps pushing up against her own #limits #and this isn’t even to MENTION the family stuff with cedar and will— #i think yaz has. a very strict inner policy Especially with other supernatural people that she will take them exactly at face value and not #push or look into their past on her own. because pasts could be Anything and it’s. just not her place #so she knows whatever will has told her and she can make some observations about cedar but. not much more! #and not that she even knows about them but THOSE sure aren’t problems she can solve or honestly even knows how to #i think it’s Fun to have the deal here that like. all about protecting people but all she has to do it with is her own body! #and she has trained it and it’s Good and it helps her! her skin just Absorbs Harm! but it’s still only ever her own body #never going to be protective magic never going to be the ability to change fate or smth! #man. she sure did try magic on her own one (1) time and make things Worse huh 🥺 #that was such an epic win for being personally worse and also more insane about will because wills so GOOD at it… #okay. covered a lot of things in the post but also just wanted to say appreciation post for how much everyone jusy says Whatever in motw 🥺 #im used to “thé ‘liam says new insane info/thing’ effect but only over TEXT! WOW is it a delight live! #also i think it’s funny how much of the bits per session are calling yaz gay #motwinchester

[kohakhearts]

tbh i find it incredibly disheartening how many people run blogs for specific fandoms but only reblog gifsets, edits, fanart, and maybe the occasional funny text post. like youre missing something very vital to the fandom experience yall

#taylor.txt #not really at anyone in particular ive just observed this for like. the past 6 years lol #the people who rb fanfiction…are the same people who write it #i mean i get it. a lot of people dont read fanfiction. but if you read something - it fits your fandom - and you like it. well #maybe worth thinking on why you choose not to put it on your blog idk #but i get it. we all have aesthetics. i personally dont care but it does feel like a double standard tbch #not fishing for rbs btw LOL i thought about it because yeah i posted a fic but like uh #i post fics on here almost every day when im active so thats kind of a moot point lol #im just OBSERVING. to all the fic writers out there i love u keep winning my lieges #oh and like tangentially related but - funny how on tumblr i gained the label of content creator after i started making gifs even though #i have like 1 500 000 words of fanfiction written and posted 100% available on the exact same blog #but i get fic requests more than gif requests so id like to believe that means the people who follow me think of me as a writer at least #its literally not deep at all but it is a real trend tbh. we dont value literature. culturally. its far deeper than fandom #and its very sad. it makes me terribly terribly sad. knowing that my uni’s english department shrinks each year; seeing authors screwed over #again and again by publishing companies and consumers alike and then of course - why read books when fanfic is free? #but we dare not tell fanfic writers we love their work. we dare not presume that we can follow their original works if they have them. that #we can tip them and commission them and support them so they can continue to write the things we love. the trend is there #i see it everywhere. literature is my hobby its my career its my everything. i see it. it makes my heart ache #but ! i cant make other people do anything. i can just remind them perhaps. that writing is art too. and its hard to do it well #but our world - never mind fandom - would really be nothing without it. just my two cents in any case #really its tumblr though so again. not that deep. but worth analyzing perhaps

[faust1926]

:/

#negative and venting in these tags #+ I'm not at ALL grounded rn so like. u know #I don't have the proper words rn. but I'm just hoping very much today is just an off-day like most sundays have been lately. #and maybe I can be somewhat functional again tomorrow #I wish I had more positive things to talk about maybe tomorrow will be better and I'll have more positive things then #I'm just so tired and keep not being able to think well. and I just spent like 3 hours just laying down #like resting but not sleeping and I really wish I were at least more ok with being like this #cause I'm not. but I'm too tired to do anything about it when like -_- I've got spirits putting thoughts in my head #and like touching me and telling me things and I couldn't get them to go away even if I wanted to cause I'm just too tired #and their presence is so. heavy on me like their energy or whatever just Weighs u down when too many of them get close #so I can't move I just have to lay there and listen to them and it's so. horrifying #but at the same time it's like!!! the best feeling in the world it's literally better than anything. and I wish it weren't #I wish real physical things felt good to be around too :-( #I wish I could be grounded and functional and awake like normal humans seem to be even in situations like mine #one of the spirits is still touching me now. like. on my ribbcage and I don't know why but it feels . impossible to describe #or to compare to something else lol #I don't know why. they're doing that I don't know what they're trying to do with me exactly. #it's like electricity but softer maybe. not sharp. dull warm radiating pulsating pressure very alive. I can feel them like under my skin #ok it's getting late. I'm running out of what energy I have left I need to go to bed #and in the morning I'll have breakfast and take my vitamins and maybe I'll be a little better and more awake #and I'll get bloodwork or something done soon and I'll see a new therapist and maybe we can do something and my brain won't be so fuzzy #they told me to trust them tonight also. they said I'm not in any real danger and I need to just let myself rest when I need to #<- one of the angels said that I mean #even if that's more often than most people I need to like. just lay down and rest more and trust them to take care of everything & Im safe #so ok

[andsotheuniverseended]

Phat going to Dream and her being like “.......so if you’re not jealous, why are you mad, exactly?” is truly iconic behavior Dream using those brain cells

#Something In My Room #Universe Ends Posts #i also still can't see these two as anything but platonic. even the teasing about an old crush feels like pure friendship to me #like maybe i'll be proven wrong and phat wasn't quite over his thing or Dream has a crush but. it just. doesn't feel like it #the only doubts i have is bc she sometimes looks sad when he talks about Phob being a good influence on him? #but i also. think maybe. she knows what it's like to befriend a ghost and then have them leave??? #that's a wild stab in the dark i just think she's worried about what will happen to Phat when Phob's time is up #also also i just v much don't want her to have a crush on him bc i like it much better this way #and she seemed totally fine teasing him abt being jealous abt Ben...... #(also Luck... SIR........ do u think this is all aliens??? do u think??? the ghosts are aliens??? pls say yes that's so funny i love it) #((((also also ms nuan has a crush on phat's mom i will not be taking questions))))

[nyanryan]

i miss november 2020 so fucking bad. take me BACK

#i want to re-experience the epic highs and lows of homophobic destiel superhell burn in hell you stupid fruit #WAAAAA i miss it so bad ....... i dont care ab anything anymore i want fandom and community again :( i am all olone 😔😔✌️ #we r going THRU it ladies i am. finding it hard to imagine life being anything other than being bored out of my SKULL in my parents basement #literally i am DEPRESSED i guess. ugh. its like im 16 or something but im not even like. writing sans undertale fanfic ab it so its WORSE. #looking to get obsessed with media. anyone know any good ''media''? if u do..... bro.... can i have some #i am also going to do MUSHROOMS this weekend i think. my problems are too big for me to fix (socially inept and very nervous and no friends) #so maybe more psychedelics will help me. or make me worse! wont know til we try #i am just so BORED but i like. keep myself in it. i dont want to watch a show or play a video gsme i want to smoke weed and do NOTHING. #maybe marijuana is my enemy... but it makes me feel a little bit less like death so it is also my friend. bad friend #this is a VENT POST which is EMBARASSING but also i need to learn to be VULNERABLE again so i am posting it. sorry :/ #ryambles

[sapphic-bifrost]

looking forward to feeling safe being vulnerable with someone again. looking forward to someone loving me because they want to, and not just because i asked. looking forward to trying hard and having someone actually actively help me figure things out. looking forward to more than a hypothetical and a promise. looking forward to hearing someone say “i dont know” and actually follow it up with “but this matters to me. you matter to me, and we’ll figure it out together”. and then actually trying to figure it out with me. looking forward to feeling heard and not like im waiting to be disappointed. looking forward to actually being enough for someone.

#i feel like people say ‘figure it out together’ way too much without thinking about what it means #‘i do my half and dont say anything and hope u also do ur half without asking about it’ #you know what that is? a group project that is very likely to never be finished and will end in a fight and unequal work #‘figure it out together’ isn’t ‘50/50 splitsies and we’ll put it together when we’re done with our halves’ #it’s ‘okay where do we go from here’ its brainstorming and coming up with ideas that are terrible and ideas that are great #its trying stuff out and knowing that there’s no pressure if it doesn’t work because we’ll just try something else #its constant communication and collaboration and being empathetic and compassionate #its being up to pick up slack without keeping tally #its being able to stumble without feeling guilty #its the process of figuring it out. Maybe even more than the actual solution #its like driving yknow? Like a road trip where one person drives halfway then they switch #if your partner is asleep and doesnt know where you’re going? They’ll wake up not knowing where you were going #‘what? they only drove this much closer to [destination]? okay… ill drive my half then.’ and you never reach #and the first driver? ‘okay i drove a good portion of the way! … where are they going? i took us so close and now we’re somewhere else?’ #its not just the driving or the thinking #it needs both people to be awake. to talk constantly. to look at a map before. to plan a route and a destination #maybe the route will change. maybe you take a wrong turn. or three wrong turns. maybe you change your mind halfway #but the point is all along #its both of you constantly working together to make decisions about where you want to go and how to get there #taking every step together. #wey hey i guess this is the day of writing huh? I put a lot of very old festering feelings into proper words today

[yay-depression]

being young and chronically ill sucks

#i’m gonna make mistakes when it comes to dealing with my chronic illness #and that has to be ok #i’m not gonna KNOW if something is normal or not #forgive me for not assuming that everything i do is a symptom #oh how’s your sleep? #fine #yeah thats true #my version of fine is like 5 hours a night maybe with minimal zombie-ness #that’s not healthy and obviously ik that NOW #but two years ago i didn’t know anything was wrong with me and i didn’t know fibro impacted sleep quality so i thought it was just me #when ur quality of life is always a -10/10 and suddenly it’s a -5/10 u feel so much better u don’t even know ur still in negative numbers #so FORGIVE ME #for having insomnia since i was a LITERAL INFANT and not knowing that feeling exhausted all the time wasn’t normal #i had a second person suggest i have chronic fatigue syndrome today #i had a hunch but i didn’t rly want it to be true #i wanted to have it just be me being a hypochondriac

[lesbiancarat]

.

#i might delete this later bc i usually dont like complaining when it doesnt accomplish anything #and this is a situation none of us can really do anything about #id like to preface this by saying just bc i complain about h*be doesnt mean it has anything to do w the other artists under h*be #this is something thats bothered me for a while but the feelings got renewed today #bc it was revealed that svts jp activities will now be handled by plds + h*be jp rather than pledis + lawson ent #bc of this l&l (sort of a paid jp fancafe) is also ending. and its a shame bc lawsons jp promotions were actually really good #and many carats love l&l and it even became a lot more popular recently bc it was the only content we got during svts sort of hiatus #what im annoyed about and have been frustrated w since the aquisition is h*be doesnt seem to care for fans at all #as far as i know they treat svt themselves well and thats all well and good but as fans we deserve more respect than to be exploited for $ #like h*be also made merch more expensive (including making the online concerts rediculously expensive); shut down ssp; & the mbc issue #also i hate to complain but yesterday did leave a bad taste in my mouth and i couldnt figure out what it was until i saw other ppl talk #bc its Not the fact that svt didn't release a longer vid. last year was a milstone year so i didnt expect as much #and im obsessed w the acousitic version of all my live anyway. but its the fact there were 2 vids promoting the annie merch #but not even a 10 min live from the boys. and im not saying its h*bes fault they didnt go live maybe theyre busy w the cb #but the way things played out it felt there was more focus on the merch aspect than actually celebrating w the boys #even if u disagree w any one of these things/think its not h*bes fault or nbd it doesnt matter if u look at the bigger picture #there are actually more complaints about h*be that i personally dont think is their doing like seasons greeting and gose timeslot #but if u look at all of it on the whole its obvious h*be has no consideration for carats feelings and only wants to make money #and obv plds wants to make $ too theyre a company. but it always felt like they were just running a business while h*be feels exploitative #like the moments when plds wanted to make $ at carats expense happened sometimes but w h*be it feels like standard practice u know? #ive always trusted cheol/svt to try and stand up for themselves and us and i stilk do. but how much of a say do they rly have in h*be #cheol has built a relationship w hss and pledis staff for years + svt had the leverage of being plds's main money maker #h*be has more shareholders to please and while svt is still a big money maker h*be has a lot of assets so svt doesnt have as much leverage #dont get me wrong im not worried at all about h*be disbanding svt or anything like that svt is still a big $ maker #+ theyll fight tooth and nail before getting disbanded. as i said before im not worried atm about how the members are treated under h*be #but i worry they might have lost some of their ability to fight for us carats #like i said im not necessarily this upset over any one issue but all of these issues show to me that h*bes only priority is making money #theres no balance bt making money + pleasing fans. or at least not enough #and im scared about the future implications of that. what other things will be sacrificed in the name of h*be making money? #melia.txt

[sockgate]

hey I’m back

#tonight was similar to the first night honestly #if anything he was more rushed #only sticking to guitar for songs he’s rehearsed or played more often #he’s DEFINITELY under prepared bc he’s off key a lot or just talking through the songs instead of singing #last thing.. he ran out before kiwi was even finished #just sprinted out of there #I know the band is supposed to play him out or whatever but maybe not before he’s even done singing #the whole show was under 1.5 hours also #he was #very VERY focused on time a lot #and let’s the audience know it too #like he mentioned the #the 16 minute dance break. ws being 2 minutes long. all things he mentioned directly to the audience #I say this not bc I don’t want to see him up there #I do I really do and I think he’s having a good time #but I don’t think he’s doing it to the best of his ability for a number of reasons #say what u want but something is still off #lemme just say that pics of him smiling or dressing like louis or peaceringing shouldn’t distract from anything #he said it at the start #he’s there to entertain you for the night #he’s doing a damn good job of it bc ppl are blind about all this #m

[finnverbose]

I am struggling because I’ve been thinking a lot about autism because one of my nephews was diagnosed pretty young and another cousin is understood to be on the spectrum and has been pretty confident in that for several years, and now I’m looking at other family like my older brother (and father of the nephew with formal diagnosis) and my mom (who connects and understands her grandson with the formal diagnosis more than anyone) and I’m just like hmmm a few of us then.

This gets really long and i don’t remember how to do a read more on mobile, so I’m sorry. Just scroll past.

But I look at myself and I think about masking and I think about my childhood and I’m like okay just cause I have stuff in common with autistic people doesn’t mean.. and I relate to a lot of autistic people on social media. But there’s so much overlap with other forms of neurodivergence and mental illness! Especially the way things are expressed outwardly vs internal experience!

So I was talking to my husband recently and was like “yeah I don’t think I’m autistic because I don’t have some of the most major traits like difficulty in social interactions and inflexibility like with routines and schedules” and he was like what in the world are you talking about you definitely struggle with both of those.

So I start trying to justify and I’m like no the social thing is just because I grew up with no one liking me because I cried all the time and talked too much and also struggled to convince people I understood what I was talking about so everything I say just has to be carefully composed and built from the ground up like a dissertation. And then I started thinking about how I love the face masks because I don’t have to think about my expression and never really realized I was doing it until I didn’t have to anymore and how I work for a call center and all the time people think I’m reading from a script when I’m not and how I look at people when they’re talking but really struggle to when I’m talking and how I have always felt like other people don’t seem to think the same way I do but I can’t figure out why.

But also any and all of these things could just be normal for lots of people and also influenced by my anxiety and fucked up emotional attachments from childhood.

And I didn’t think I had the inflexibility because I think I handle change fine and I’ve moved a lot in life and had minimal issues and never really had routines, but then my husband pointed out that any time something changes suddenly, my first reaction is to get upset and I tell him often that it’s not that I mind that the plans have changed it’s that I have to process that change for a bit before I’m okay with it. And I was still like noooo, but then today a work meeting ended up being about two hours earlier and half an hour shorter than I thought it would be, and it didn’t interfere with any of my breaks and it was just a training going over stuff I already knew, but after the meeting I started getting really anxious and overwhelmed for no reason when before the meeting I was fine. And it wasn’t until I had my lunch later that I thought back on the timeline of when I started feeling bad that it lined up perfectly with that meeting being different than I expected.

But again, I am an anxious person and I really look forward to any time I don’t have to be taking calls even though that’s my whole job because it’s just really tiring sometimes.

And I’ve always had some level of sensory issues. I’ve always been a a fairly picky eater, worse when little, and the older I got the more I realized that it’s often textures that are the problem, or strong flavors like spicy or vinegar. I get overwhelmed easily by certain kinds of touch. I am basically nonfunctional if I’m too hot and I’ve always hated things that are very soft. When I stopped shaving my legs I even told people a big reason is I hate the feeling of my pants touching or sliding over my legs when they were smooth.

I don’t know. I still don’t think I’m autistic though I do have some things in common with people on the spectrum, it’s just like... I’m noticing more and more particularly neurodivergent traits and behaviors? Idk what to do with this knowledge and now that I’ve noticed it I can’t stop noticing.

#personal #sorry this is so long #there’s a lot more but these are some of the more recent things #like stimming is something I’ve always done #and I got really into stim toys although I also have anxiety disorders like trichotillomania which means I pull my hair out #but also one of my favorite thing was an autistic person made a tiktok where sometimes when they’re really excited #they sort of slap their partner repeatedly really fast like not hard necessarily #and my husband was like lol it u because I do that all the time #and I’m always bouncing my feet or rubbing my legs #i have on occasion found that I have special interest level obsession with certain subjects #in high school it was sex as weird as that sounds #like I wanted to know everything about it #and not even particularly because I wanted to do it so badly #although I do on occasion but that’s more libido than anything #but to the point where in college we had someone come from planned parenthood to do a sex ed talk hosted by our gsa #and I knew everything they talked about and it wasn’t even totally basic #but also sex ed in the us really sucks so maybe thats not a good indicator 😂 #idk I wish I could talk to my therapist about it but she doesn’t really focus on mental illness but rather perspective shifts #and I want to talk to actual autistic people so I can be more like ah yes not me #not that I would have a problem with being autistic mind #just that I don’t want to be taking on neurodivergent identities because there are power structures there and also it can be #a bit risky from treatment standpoints as well

[damianogender]

as someone who's gone through a coup attempt i genuinely don't know what to say other than stay safe and take some time off from social media, tv etc if you believe it'd be better for your mental health

#i know u guys use memes to cope (which is valid) but i dont feel like its my place to make memes so.... thats all i have to say #hey u know its really the time to revisit your comfort shows/movies/books etc... or maybe start a new one?? to get your mind off of things #i know it's hard to do that and most of you feel better being constantly updated but... i dont know man #i dont even know *exactly* how serious this is. i dont think anything like this under the same circumstances happened before #just...... know that i'm here. like even if u just need to rant or something. that's all i can do. #us politics #politics #washington dc #capitol #stay safe #coup tw #coup d'etat tw