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rhgdvx · 6 years

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otwtm [i]

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Yoongi sat down on his favorite place in the same café he's been going to for years. It was four in the morning, but sleep doesn't seem like a good idea so he chose to go to this place anyway, wondering about the same night... thinking about the same person...

He took a long, satisfying sip from his Americano and sighed a little as he flipped the made-shift book given to him by the only person to love him like that. He started to read, again, the pages she made out of his request, wondering if he could get another chance to rewrite those words.

'Min Yoongi could not love' The story began with such cruel start but he didn't mind it and just went on.

I have been thinking about that thought every now and then. Of course, I knew it right from the start: That he could never see me more than a fan. That he could always say 'I love you, ARMY!' but never he could say an 'I love you' addressed to me. What am I really thinking and hoping for? It's impossible, of course. I knew it right from the start.

Still though, I thought of him as a reachable star.

Efforts were given. I attended their fan signs, I cheered for them in concerts, I pulled all-nighters for every fangirl duty and I loved Bangtan with every bit of me. Funny, because I don't really put so much effort on things that won't give something back. I think stanning them really brought out the weird side of me;

And loving Yoongi made me hope for something that is beyond unreachable.

'I cannot love him any deeper. I shall not love him any deeper.', I repeatedly told myself at times when he's just so... extra? He's a good person, and he's great with his things. Who wouldn't get attracted to such a wonderful man?

I'll just get hurt. Yes, I know. I'm always seeing him and my heart doesn't seem to understand the wall separating fans from idols. Yes, I hope there's a chance but I know there is none. I'm just another stupid dot in a sea of million. Okay, maybe not stupid, just a little bit crazy but still a dot.

So, I settled down. Keeping my schedule tight just to refrain from spending it with them. Cruel? Yes. There are several fans who might call me fake, those who feel so useful that they put their fingers on anything; But do they know how much I desire? Do they know me? Do they know that every single time I look at him, I could only sigh because no matter how hard I yearn for him, we just cannot be? It is the kind of thing that a 'Nothing is impossible' is possible.

He's close to me but I cannot have him for my own good. Yes, I am not satisfied. I am not that kind of woman. So I settled down. I became fine.

Whenever he sees me, he waves at me like we're old friends. He shows his gummy smiles, he talks to me in a lighter way than how he does with others, or maybe that's what I have observed because of this wonderful mind of mine. Call me crazy in love, but I could feel that he's happy whenever he sees me in sight. I know it's bonkers but I'm not that stupid so I tried not to expect anything. I was fine, but then the day came when he talked to me weirder than the usual.

"Miracle," My heart fluttered as he said my name, what's new. As he mindlessly doodled at the album I bought, I just stared at him. "How do you find yourself when you're so lost?"

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. "I don't... uh... understand?"

"I mean; how could we fix ourselves from being broken?" He said, still doodling at my album.

Yoongi looked like he's not in his usual self. It seems like his mind is drifting so I answered him with the best sentence I could come up with at the moment. "A wound takes time to heal but time isn't enough. We should take care and protect the wound, too, so that it won't get any worse."

"How about seeking help from others?" He lifted his head and I was taken aback by the emotion in his eyes. "Isn't that what people do? Let others fix them because they can't?"

I looked away for a moment. "Depends on the situation, Yoongi."

He smiled, and so did I.

I thanked him and moved to the next member as normally as I could. After years of doing this, I could see it. I could confirm it; He's hurt. Something is hurting him emotionally. I could clearly see it in his eyes.

He's hurt, and so I am.

Perks of loving.

That night, I did not update my followers on Twitter with what happened on the fan sign. I am still winded by what happened. That's a first of that situation and I am worried about him.

I saw some friends talk about how weird Yoongi is and I wonder if they felt the same way I did when Yoongi looked at me. Of course, we love Bangtan and with them hurting, we are hurt too. And since Yoongi is more special to me, the ache was stingier. I love him, I love him though I don't think everything he shows is the real him. Drastically, though I settled my feelings down, there is definitely a part in my heart that still wishes for him.

Before I went to bed, I took the album from my messy bag and opened it. I should at least review what they wrote on my sticky notes, just for my sanity's sake. I browsed it as fast as I could since I have to sleep and work tomorrow morning and I don't really want to do it. Namjoon, the brain monster, of course said something wise as if implying that I should take a break because I asked them what should I do nowadays because I'm bored. The others said something goofy and fun... Hoseok even said that I should just go to sleep and eat a lot. Maybe that's what he does. Jungkook said 'Noona should love us more' and I don't know what he means. My mood was eventually getting lighter when I came to the page where Yoongi doodled and my emotion sank back. I purposely left this page out but I can't seem to control myself when it comes to him.

I swallowed hard because I could feel him aching by just seeing the random things he wrote and drew on the page. His bad handwriting became worse and these lines doesn't look like they mean something. I traced the heart he drew on my sticky note. It looks like it's broken, though it isn't. The face he drew on the left corner looks so tired. The whole page shouts something painful. It shouts what he feels. I sighed at the scribbles and tried figure some words out.

'Bye, bye, bye'

'Miracle, talk to MYGSyub'

'Please'

I raised an eyebrow to his answer. A random thought is telling me to see if that is a username or something. Or maybe I'm just hallucinating? Geez. I've developed several senses just by stanning Bangtan.

I hesitantly reached for my phone and opened apps that could possibly help me. I'm not sure; I can't be sure. On Twitter, I found one with that username but it looks like she's a fangirl from the other side of the world. I kind of read her tweets but they're mostly on her language so I doubt it. Next one is Kakao where I also found an account with that username. I added it, of course, hoping it was Yoongi. I messaged the account a simple 'Hello' and then looked through other apps.

Moments later, my phone notified me that someone messaged me... on Kakao.

MYGSyub: Miracle?

My heart went wild. Is this really Min Yoongi?

'Is this Yoongi?' I hastily typed.

MYGSyub: Unfortunately, it is.

'Uh. I won't talk about this.'

MYGSyub: I know.

WAIT. IS THIS REAL!? I wanted to cry and celebrate because I just got my bias' Kakao ID! And it seems like he really wanted me to know it. My fangirl heart is celebrating and I can't control it! Wait up. Does he know about my feelings? I held my chest and tried to calm myself but I can't. He messaged me again, asking how I am. Of course I replied right away. We chatted. We talked but it wasn't that warm, unlike the other fan signs.

Then after a while he asked if he could see me.

'Ha. Are you really Min Yoongi?'

MYGSyub: (photo) I said unfortunately, I really am Min Yoongi

OH MY... FU-Did he just take a picture and-My heart stopped. Min Yoongi why are you doing this!

'When?'

MYGSyub: 4 am?

'Where?'

MYGSyub: Send me your address... I'll drop by.

My eyes widened. 'Wait. Are you really Yoongi?'

MYGSyub: I already said I am Yoongi. Look, I am wearing the beanie you gave. (photo)

I almost shouted by the sight of his photo. He really is wearing the beanie I gave! Oh my goodness. How could this... possibly happen? Am I dreaming?

Geez.

Setting aside all frustrations and doubts, I chatted with him again like we're platonic friends and we agreed to meet tomorrow morning, at 4 am. Too early, but who cares?

Since the idea of him being here at 4 am did not seem like a nice one, we agreed to meet in a coffee shop near my place. And since I was eager to feed my expectations and assumptions, I went here 15 minutes early. He picked such a weird and perfect time because the ambiance is very, very serene due to small amount of customers. I sighed. If I am dreaming, I just want to wake up. This is not healthy.

I saw him outside a few minutes later, walking slowly as if feeling every step. He looked so fluffy with the knitted gray scarf around his neck and the cute expression plastered on his face. He was wearing a plain black sweater and jeans (like what I saw in his picture) together with black rubber shoes. And yes, he's wearing the white beanie I gave. The moment he stepped in the coffee shop, my world stopped. I could feel my heart beating rapidly but I couldn't even move a little to release my unhealthy emotion. Is this a dream? Please wake me up already, I know I'll wake up, anyway. Don't prolong my agony.

"Miracle." He smiled at me as he sat down. We ordered two Americanos since he said it's up to me. Good him, he paid for it.

Silence, that is what he gave me for approximately five minutes. I was scared to talk to him, afraid he might just fade away because I very well know this is just a dream. Or not? I couldn't even feel my own body. It feels like I'm just a soul in front of the man whom I wished to be my soulmate.

"Why?" I dared to ask so the silence won't grow any more unpleasant.

"I-I... I don't know."

"You asked a fan to meet you at this time and you do not know?" I calmly said, casually teasing him but it did not seem to reach him, or maybe I'm just not fun to be with.

"I know you." He said and he earned a funny face from me, which I did not mean to do. "C'mon, I've seen you a lot of times."

"So you... like, judged me?"

He took a sip of his coffee and he answered. "It's inevitable. You can't just look at people without even thinking if they are like this or that."

"I could." I said, though I know he is kinda right.

"It doesn't work for me, I like observing." He slyly smiled.

"So are you saying you have an idea of me?"

"You've come to events to support us since 2013, right?" I was allured when he looked at me then smiled. "Yes I've judged you, as you have put it."

"Is that supposed to insult me or not because I am kind of glad that an idol is keeping an eye on a fan." I said and he sniggered. Oh, he's so cute.

"You're happy about it."

When he spoke again, that's when I realized I should've not said the latter part. "Yep." I stared at my Americano awkwardly.

"Actually," I looked at him when he spoke again, confused with his business. "The reason I tried to talk to you like this is because I think... Well I think you could..." He stared at me for a moment then he lowered his head. I don't know what's happening because it's the first time I heard him unsure. "You could probably help?" He whispered, shy of the statement but I don't really get it.

"Help you where?"

He stared at me again as if reading me, then he awkwardly laughed. "I... I have a... a... close friend,"

The time those words came out of his mouth, I knew he was lying. It's obvious. The person he is referring to isn't just a close friend. You won't speak like that if that was really just a friend.

"Hmm?" I looked away. I could feel it; He's talking about a girl.

"She..." Oh, I'm right. I urged him to continue. "She just died."

Shocked by the statement, I quickly threw my attitude aside. I thought it was something else. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah."

We both fell silent. I finished my cup without looking at him. It's not that I am hurt because he's cherishing someone, I just cannot look at him with that pain clearly shown in his eyes. They're emitting sadness and I'm absorbing it. I did not ask however; I want to hear everything from him.

"Do you want to take a walk?" I suggested and he did not bother answering. He just stood up and gently held me by my wrist. I was surprised, of course, and I could feel something travelling from his grip to my spine. My heart was thumping louder than before to the point I want to hold my chest; Afraid he could feel it. Yoongi doesn't seem to be bothered so I shook the same feeling off. I don't want to be awkward with him.

When we came out on the street, he still did not let go. I do not know if I should feel jubilant. He held my hand before and we have talked before. He knows me, I know him, but something is very different. Like something is commanding me to feel special because what's happening right now is special.

"You're weird." I said after our long moment of silence. "Don't you think this is awkward, and... wrong?"

For goodness' sake, I'm just a fan who is fortunately with her bias right now, and listening to his aches. I'm currently not a dot, right?

"I don't feel like it's wrong." He said, I think I blushed. Well, he is Min Yoongi, the man who does not give a shit. I'm trying to control my emotions for his sake but I think this will be a hell of a headache.

"Why?" I asked though I am not curious to the answer.

"I could see her in you." He said in a low voice. "Every single time."

Ah. That hurt.

"Is she pretty too?" I joked, trying to hide the pain from him.

"Both of you are." He willingly answered. I think I'm good with hiding my emotions because he doesn't seem to be bothered.

"Is she really like me?"

He appeared to be thinking really deep, then he answered with a grin. "The first time I saw you, I thought you're her."

So this man knew our resemblance since 2013. "But then?"

"But then she appeared and I thought you were twins."

"But?"

He laughed. Though it was weak, he still laughed! "She's questioning everything, too."

"Who? The woman who left?" Those words came out of my mouth so easily. Again, I regretted saying it. He slowed down his pace and then he halted. He was just laughing a moment ago, now he is back to being pained and miserable. Is it my mistake?

I wanted to apologize and explain that it's just when you're happy, words come out so easily, but I don't think that's acceptable because he said his situation yet I let my selfish feeling take control.

"She died yesterday, Miracle. She was in coma, then her body gave up." He said, pain clearly etched in his voice. He closed his eyes to prevent tears but his heart is too pained. His grip on my wrist became weaker and weaker until he let his hand drop.

I remained silent. I want to know but I do not want to get hurt. I want him to release his pain and emotion but I do not know if I could listen and be his comfort. I love him, too. And he's talking about someone he loved for long.

"After the accident last year, her family told me to move on, but I couldn't." He explained, this time with a calmer voice.

"Because I remind you of her." I said, calmly, too, though my heart is aching. Is that why I've been receiving special treatment from him?

"Yeah." He turned his head to look away.

"Is that the reason," My voice broke, so I swallowed hard before I continued. "...why I am here with you? Because..." I trailed off but I continued anyway. "Because I remind you of her?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine." I tried not to mix my statement with any sarcasm but I know he's fully aware that he just hurt me too.

"This is not fine."

I bitterly laughed. "I do not know if you are using me to forget her death, or you are using me because you do not want to forget her."

Using? No. He just used me ever since to replay the ghost of his memories. He used me for his own good. He unwarily played with my feelings because he's loving someone that is never me.

And with him meeting me like this, I very well know what he wants to happen. No, I wouldn't allow that. I badly want him, but I want him to love me, too, deep inside.

I want to yell at him and make him more miserable for making me feel like this. I don't know why I am so hurt. I want to strangle him because I was fine. I was fine but he came to me once more just to make me feel this pain that I know I shouldn't deserve. I just loved him. What kind of shit is this? A miserable prize for devoting yourself to someone you think you know. What the hell.

"Miracle..."

"Yoongi," I bit my lips. "Did you ever see me as I am?"

He did not answer so I spoke again. It was hard but I managed to speak those words. "I am sorry but I could not help. I may be like her but I am not her, Yoongi."

Am I being selfish? I just don't want to get hurt but here I am, being torn choosing between myself and helping him in the way he wanted. But I do not know why I should help him, to forget or to remind him of that girl.

"It's my bad, too. I'm sorry." He sincerely said though he can't look at me.

"Supposedly, you should be the one pouring out a lot of emotion since she died... but..." I looked away and awkwardly patted him at the back. "I... I do... I love you too." The tears that I was holding dropped on my cheeks. "But I want you to love me because I am Miracle."

We fell into silence once again, and after a few minutes. we decided to separate our ways. Sorry if I am not a martyr, Yoongi.

'Min Yoongi could not love me... because he's loving someone else.'

I completed the sentence. It's not that he can't, he just can't if it's someone else.

The man sniggered a little as he kept his tears to himself.

"Silly, I love you so much." He closed his eyes and imagined her sitting in front of him; Both of them wondering about the same night... Thinking about the same scenes, with hearts aimed for the same future.

A bitter smile came across his lips as he fought the urge to just fall into pieces.

"Ahh... my Miracle."

#bts fanfic #short story #yoongi #suga #min suga #bts #fan fiction #fanfic #bts fanfction #miracle #how do you do tags really #rhgd-otwtm

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