#tl;dr i can't wait for winter break | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

takizuzufu · 1 year

Text

Holidays with my family stress me out

TL;DR: I feel the need to complain about family. Holidays stress me out partially due to a sibling who is bipolar. On my phone and not a usual reddit poster so formatting is probably terrible. If anybody manages to read the whole thing, thank you

I just want to start out this complaint by saying that it's has officially been a year since my first everything bf of 10 years broke up with me. I am doing much better and actually for the most part I don't miss him anymore, except for moments like now. I would complain to him about my family. I am super introverted and shy and he was also my best friend so its hard to replace him when it comes to someone I trust enough to complain to but I just really feel the need to complain to somebody.

Anyways, I will stick to complaining about one subject even though i have so much I want to say. My immediate family is a huge source of stress for me. I love them, I really do but I also can't stand being around them. My older sister is bipolar, my fraternal twin and I both are anxious and depressed and on meds for them. I think my dad is on depression meds too. My family is not the worst around but that doesn't change that fact that my childhood was pretty crappy. Like my dad was apparently abusive (not like super abusive. I really can't say much since he wasn't as bad to my twin and I) to my older sister who then turned around and was abusive to me. Once we all got older (whatever 3rd grade age, my older sister is 2 years older ), depression and anxiety def became issues) and since then every holiday someone ends up having an emotional breakdown (usually my older sister or me) Finally got diagnosed and put on meds for depression and anxiety the summer before college and things got better for me. My older sister and I still clash but most of the time I feel pretty ok. I went to college in a different state. Made a friend, got a bf. Had some ups and downs emotional but the first 3 and 1/2 years were ok. I ended up taking 9 years before getting a degree and had one serious suicide attempt (as in I was in a mental health ward for a week). About year 4 I started taking summer classes so I was only home for winter break and spring break. My friend left the college after 3 years so I leaned heavily on my bf emotionally, my grades tanked, my mood tanked, etc. Being home even for like a week would be super stressful.

Sorry, more background than I planned so this post is getting long. I will move on to what my original complaint was going to be. So back to my older sister being bipolar. She gets upset so easily. Every holiday celebration is awkward because she usually ends up threatening to kill herself over something pretty insignificant. After years of this, I am seriously over her behavior. I have talked to my parents about how they need to start doing more to show her that her terrible behaviors is not ok and I'm just told that I'm not the parent so it's not my problem. What spurned this complaining session is tonight my family is doing a winter solstice celebration (no specific reason) at my older sisters apartment (my twin and I still live at home). I woke up from a nap to a message that the celebration was cancelled. I was a bit happy. Then I am told we are going. It's a short drive but it's snowy and icy. Then we get there and my older sister is all angry and tells us to leave but then not because she wasn't sure what she wanted, so we stayed awkwardly and I started this thread. She is doing better and things are less tense for the rest of the family but not me. I am still on edge because I am just waiting for something to upset my older sister and things go to shit again. And that's my state around my family. I am just waiting for things to go wrong and 95% of the time things do go wrong and 80% she ends up saying she hates and she has gotten better but still sometimes threatens to kill herself. I mentioned it has been a year since my bf broke up with me and it was really hard. I am doing much better, but still hurting.I feel lonely and my family stresses me out but I can't get a job (that's a whole other complaint you don't want me to get started on) and live on my own or run away when my family upsets me and I have no friends to turn to or anything. I do go to therapy but you know thats not always helpful because I can't really turn to my therapist to complain every time I get upset or stressed, hence me posting this.

I think I will end things here. I know my thoughts are probably a mess and thoughts may be unfinished but I think I have already gone on longer than I should. If anybody does take time to read this, I thank you. I just needed to complain to somebody since I no longer have my bf to complain to when I get stressed. And I am not worried about my family finding this post because no one else uses reddit.

0 notes

couchbrotato · 5 years

Text

Yesterday (November 15, 2018) around 8 a.m. I became the happiest I've been in quite a while. Before I can tell you why, I must tell you the long backstory. (There is a TL;DR)

Back in March of 2014 "AH" (my boyfriend) asked me out. We enjoyed 6 months of bliss. (Yes, we argued. No, we weren't in the honeymoon phase. And before you ask, his mom was and still is the cause of most of our arguments) Anyways.

On our 6 month anniversary he gave me a promise ring and (basically) promised to marry me some day; however, our cocoon of happiness was shattered 5 days later when his father committed suicide. He was never really close his dad, but it was hard to handle nonetheless. About 2 weeks later on October 12 he broke up with me over text because he could no longer feel anything and wanted space.

It took a lot of me spamming him, but a couple of days later he agreed to meet and at least talk it over. We got back together almost as soon as we were along because the 3 days of not being together were pure torture. I left the next week for 3 weeks on a trip I had been planning with my Grandma. His father's funeral happened after I got back and everything was great for the next few months as we talked through things and worked on our communication. Unfortunately for both of us, the spring, summer, and fall of 2015 and 2016 were very turbulent. This was because he started having anxiety attacks and, rarely, panic attacks. When this started happening, neither of us had any idea of how to act and react to them as it was new to us. Well, over time he developed a very inefficient reaction to his attacks. Here's how it went: I would ask him if he was ok (because I just thought he was upset) and I would continually ask until he responded. His response was typically out of anger/annoyance (I am pretty annoying). I would then be shocked at his behavior and we would end up fighting. The fighting had one main end result: breaking up.

He would break up with me and I would storm off (and cry myself to sleep). This would lead to him calling the next day in tears begging me to take him back, which I did. At some point, however, I had had enough. I told him I couldn't take him breaking up with me, especially so often, so I told he needed to get help or our next break up would be our last (stress is a trigger and we figured out that, when in the middle of an attack, he would instinctively push away the most removable stressor...which was me. We figured out the two other stressors: his mom and school).

He didn't get help at that time, but instead decided to internationalize it which caused it to morph into barely controlled rage. The pent-up rage he held was almost lethal to our relationship when combined with his stubbornness. This led to him telling me to ask a family member of mine to do something (in November 2016) and I had told him no because it made me uncomfortable. We went back and forth until he yelled, "FINE! I'LL ASK HER MYSELF WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT" to which I basically said "The hell you are!? 🤬" and I broke up with him on the spot.

Of course, it was awkward because I had told him a week before the we could carpool to a class we shared. So, when we went to go to class a couple days later, he just looked at me and started crying. He asked for another chance to prove himself to me. I told him, "Fine. This is your last chance. If we break up again, that's it. No more chances." (He agreed). I also told him he needed to talk to someone about his anxiety and anger. (He did go to someone and he can't afford to go right now, but is doing so much better)

I need to mention that a year ago (late fall 2017) he tried to set up a dinner with my parents by himself. My parents alerted me and I pretty much lost it because I was terrified of marriage.

Here we are, 2 years after our last break up, 4 years after our first break up and 4 & 1/2 years since we started this wild ride. We have been through so much and have both gone to hell and back many times in our relationship. The horrible times we have gone through have really helped me to better appreciate who he is now and how well he is doing compared to when we first started dating.

Now that you've read the brief version of the history of my boyfriend and mine's relationship, I can tell you what happened yesterday.

- - November 15, 2018 - -

- - - - - - 8:00 a.m. - - - - - -

I was spending the night at my boyfriend's so that we could leave early to do some out of town business. I had woke up to learn that he had slid into a ditch around 1/1:30 a.m. when he went to pick up his mom's boyfriend and he was stuck there for 2 hours before help arrived. That was enough to convince me not to leave town, but not him. He left to go get bags of sand for the back of his truck to help with traction.

I sat in the middle of his bed, my legs crossed, while I held my phone limply in my left hand. My thoughts ran everywhere. I started seeing our relationship from the beginning to now and kept replaying the sweet moments. What if he gets into a bad wreck? What if he gets stuck in a ditch again? What if he leaves and never comes back? The last thought was enough to make me jump up and start pacing from rising panic. I felt the need to see him and hold him grow the longer I waited for him to come back from his short trip to the store.

My mind leapt from thought to thought until it settled on one thought: proposing. At that moment it was rational and irrational. Rational due to a deep need of wanting to know that, even if something happened, he would want to spend the rest of his life with me. It was also an irrational thought. This is because we have, since September (2018), spoken in both very obvious-hint filled conversations as well as directly about me changing my mind, being ready to get married, and a good proposal date.

So, while I was out of state at a BTS concert, he sat my parents down and asked if they had his permission to ask for my hand. I knew the moment he did it because my parents texted me..🙄 lol ... Anyways, so here I am with the rationalization that something could happen and the other side saying you can totally wait until he proposes at college graduation on December 15.

Eventually my first thought won, but I didn't have a ring. Or did I? You see, about a year before "AH" and I started dating I had bought a (new) silver mans ring thinking I would give it to the guy I would marry. It just so happens that I had given it to him when he gave me my promise ring and it fit his finger perfectly. I just had to find it.

That last place I had seen it was his jewelry box, but I hadn't seen it in a couple of years. So I thoroughly searched his room from top to bottom for the jewelry box. After a bit I finally saw it sitting under an old boom box in the corner of his room. I picked up the heavy boom box and opened the jewelry box to find that the ring I was looking for was in the first ring slot.

I plucked the ring out of its spot, put everything back as it had been, then sat down with my thoughts once more. Are you sure you want to do this? What if it's embarrassing for him? What about his proposal? You're going to come off as impati-ohmygod. He's back! I hear him shut his truck off as well as enter the house as the front door loudly creaked and squealed in protest to moving in the winter air.

His thudding footsteps got louder until he turned the corner into his bedroom and stopped in front of me. I gave him a kiss and asked if he was absolutely sure that he wanted to drive out of town. He nodded and said, "Yes. It needs to get done and I can't let the weather stop me!" as he turned his back to me so he could set his jingling keys down.

Without a second of physical hesitation, I lowered myself silently onto my left knee. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod areyousureyoureallywanttodothis? Ohshitheisturningaround!!!! 😱 TOOLATE!!!!!!!! Looking up, he is completely in shock as a tinge of red sweeps across his cheeks. "AH," I start, "will you marry me?"

The shock melted from his face as overwhelming joy, disbelief, and slight embarrassment took over causing him to shake his head back and forth as he chuckled. Swish is the next sound filling both of our ears as I whip the ring out and hold it up in my right hand. He starts to laugh deeply as he says "Yes!" which is followed by him lifting up both of his shaking hands because, in all the excitement, he forgot which hand the ring went on.

My brain followed suit as I went to put it on his right hand thinking it was his left. Thankfully I stopped and thought for a moment before I put it on his left hand (the right one lol). We kissed for a moment and he said, "This would be a good time for a song," so I whipped out my handy dandy spotify app and pulled up our playlist. Picking our second song, I pushed play. We started swaying to the music (off beat might I add because he doesn't know how to dance) as the words "Saturday morning jumped out of bed-" [Rude by MAGIC!]

Afterwards we talked about me being impatient, but that I also wanted to see his proposal as well as wait to tell people until graduation. You see, I want to see his proposal and can't do it unless I don't wear the ring he got me until December 15th and, until then, we are secretly engaged. It seems weird, but we both agreed to it. We also agreed that I would start wearing my promise ring on my right hand's ring finger for the next month. He did let me see, and take pictures of, the engagement ring that he bought me. Here it is!

~ TL;DR - My boyfriend and I went though a lot to get to where we are. I proceeded to propose to him exactly a month before he was supposed to propose to me.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!! 💍💍💍💍🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

12 notes · View notes