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eldritchsurveys · 6 years

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o92.

Are you bored with your life? >> Not generally. Existential boredom happens sometimes, but it’s not necessarily chronic.

Have you ever seen a spirit? >> Maybe.

What's the most supernatural experience you've ever had? >> Friend, I am a supernatural experience.

Do you ever feel the presence of God? >> Some god or another. Usually Wednesday.

Would you rather have wings like a fairy or a fin like a mermaid? >> I think wings would be marginally more useful to me than a fin. I rather like having legs.

Which season would you like to be the goddess of? >> I’d rather not be trapped into the role of being the god of anything specific, especially not a season.

Do you have any spiritual gifts? >> I don’t know. Never really thought about it.

Would you say you are a spiritual? >> A spiritual, hah. Nah, I’m just whatever I am.

Do you believe in angels and demons? >> I knew a couple of angels. One was from Night Vale. His name was Tobias and he was very poetic. Even [especially?] when he was talking about cannibalism.

Do you believe in fairies, genies, or mermaids? >> I’m willing to believe in any of them.

Do you believe that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth? >> Sure.

Does the book of Revelation make sense to you? >> It does, now. It took me a long time to realise that it’s very possibly allegorical (and very possibly about the fall of Rome). In that context, a lot of things in Revelation make a lot more sense to me, and it became easier to swallow besides. But even as a mythological End of Days, or a turning point in mythic time, it makes a lot of sense, too -- there’s at least a few Ragnarök-esque elements in there. For a while I thought of Babylon as the US, and that also makes sense. So, yeah. Revelation makes sense to me.

What's your favorite mystical creature? >> Me.

What's your favorite supernatural book series? >> The Dark Tower saga.

Have you ever encountered an angel? >> Yep, already discussed earlier.

Do demons manifest around you a lot? >> No. I mean, they’re welcome to hang out, but generally I think they prefer more malleable quarry.

Have you ever cast out a demon? >> Nope.

Are demons afraid of you? >> I don’t know, I’ve never asked.

What's your favorite gypsy name? >> I stay away from the use of the word ‘gypsy’, personally.

If a genie appeared to you right now, what would you wish for? >> Nope. I don’t fuck with djinn. They’re much better at wordplay than I am.

What would you say is the most unique about you? >> I don’t know, I don’t really think much about that sort of thing.

If you were to write an original song, what would it be about? >> I don’t know.

As anyone ever asked you if you were an alien? >> Yeah, I’ve been asked that. Or straight-up told that. It varies.

As anyone ever asked you if you were an angel? >> Maybe. I don’t recall.

Do you think you would rather be a mystical creature or a human? >> I yam what I yam.

Do you have supernatural powers? If yes, what can you do? >> No, I have paracosmic powers of creation. Which isn’t supernatural because it doesn’t affect the rules of the physical world.

Do you know any witches? >> Sure, I know plenty.

Has anyone ever cast a spell or curse on you? >> Not to my knowledge. But, I mean, possibly.

Do you know how to break a curse? >> I’m sure I could figure it out with some research.

Do you curse others? >> Nah, I’ve considered it in times of duress but... nah.

Would you rather time travel to the past or future? >> I’d rather not, period. Time’s an ocean, anyway. I’m not tryna drown.

Do you wish you had the power to switch your emotions on and off at will? >> I mean, I don’t have enough problems with my emotions that this would be necessary. I kind of can switch them off.

What superpower do you most wish you had? >> Matter manipulation.

Are all of your needs met? >> Not all of them, not all of the time, but for the most part I’m not suffering terribly in the needs department.

Do you feel like your life is worth living? >> I mean, it doesn’t matter if it’s worth it or not, I’m living it anyway.

If you're gifted, does anyone know it? >> Gifted with what?

What do you do with your gifts? >> ---

Do you feel you live in a place where your gifts are honored and celebrated? >> Man, I don’t even know what you’re talking about, tbh.

Do you wish people acknowledge you and treated you with respect? >> Sure. Most of the time they do, anyway.

Do you wish you had the power to stop harassment? >> I’ve not wished for that specifically, no. But I’d imagine it’d be useful.

How old were you when you found out Santa wasn't real? >> I was never taught about Santa in the first place. It’s really too bad -- that whole legend is historically and mythologically fascinating. But it’s never too late. Plus, I have Russian Santa now (Nicholas St North, from the Guardians franchise -- Rise of the Guardians and Guardians of Childhood).

Can you relate to the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer? >> Not really, lol.

Do you hate inequality? >> Not necessarily.

Do people hate you because of your gifts? >> LOL wut.

If you had to give yourself an exotic name, what would it be? >> I do have ‘exotic’ names.

Do your family and friends have any superpowers? >> Not to my knowledge.

Are you a hero or a villain, or neither? Are you a commoner? >> I am a trickster.

Could you ever be a hero? Have you ever done anything heroic and brave? >> Being a trickster means I can fulfill a variety of roles. So yes, I could be a hero, if I found it prudent. (Most of the time, I don’t. ~)

How many villains do you know? >> I don’t know if I know any self-proclaimed villains. I know some self-proclaimed monsters, does that count?

What do you think of this quote: The Gospel is the only story where the Hero dies for the villains. ? >> That’s an interesting quote.

Do you think it was stupid of Jesus to die for the villains? >> I don’t pass judgement on martyrdom. It serves a purpose.

Have you ever rebelled against God? >> Well, rebelling against some notion of God (consciously or unconsciously) is how I spent most of my adolescence and young adulthood, but I’m mostly over that now. I met different gods.

Do you believe Jesus dies on a cross to save us all? >> I think the mythical figure of Jesus Christ certainly did. Whether there was an actual man named Yeshua who did all of that is a matter of much debate, and I tend to err on the side of “probably not”. But he’s a figure of myth, which makes his historical existence pretty irrelevant either way.

Would you be happy if you died right now? Why or why not? >> Hell fucking no, what the fuck. I’m having a ball, leave me alone, Death.

Are you scared of what's going to happen when you die? >> Sure. I try not to give it too much thought, because there’s no definite answer and obsessing over it isn’t going to give me a definite answer, it’s just going to waste my fuckin time.

Have you ever asked Jesus to save you? >> Yeah, I tried that. I don’t know if he was listening or if he did anything, but I did try it.

Have you ever been baptized? If so, where were you baptized? and did it mean anything to you? >> I was baptised at age, like, 6 or 7. I vaguely remember it because the whole thing was lowkey disturbing to me at the time, but I couldn’t do anything about it. It was at an AME Baptist church in Elizabeth, New Jersey. It never did end up meaning anything significant for me, although the baptism allegory did come up again a couple of years ago, during my last todash episode.

Do you enjoy reading about Greek or Roman mythology? >> Absolutely!

Who is your favorite Greek or Roman god or goddess? >> Dionyssos.

Which goddess power do you think you'd like to have? >> Meh.

Have you ever read the Daughters of the Moon series by Lynne Ewing? >> Never heard of it.

If so, what was your favorite book in the series, and who was your favorite character? Which character do you relate to the most? >> ---

Do you feel like you are special? Do others treat you like you are special? >> I’m about as special as everyone else on the planet... which, as you well know, makes the whole thing a paradox. And yeah, some people treat me like that sometimes. I’m special to individuals, which is all right.

Do you enjoy reading Bible stories? >> Hell yeah, I do.

Do you believe in the Bible stories? >> I believe in their mythological potential, in the strength of parables, and in the longevity of the myths in general. I also think most of them probably relate to actual historical events, but were just mythologised.

Do you know anyone who can read minds? >> Nope.

Have you read the Harry Potter books? If yes, did you like them? >> Yeah, and I’m in the middle of a reread right now. I... I do like them, even though I spend a lot of time dissecting the worldbuilding. I wouldn’t even bother if I didn’t enjoy something about them.

What is your opinion on fantasy? Is it of the devil, or is it ok? Do you think it's good? >> I love fantasy.

Why do you think people gave the Harry Potter series such a hard time, when it's fiction? >> Because people are afraid of going against the laws of their religion; because people are afraid of losing control over their children’s spiritual lives; because it was a weird time in the world (and maybe even in mythic time) and people have been very reactionary towards media for a long time anyway. Who knows, man. It hasn’t lessened HP’s impact on culture and society, so.

Do you believe the Bible is fiction or non-fiction? >> I believe it’s myth, which exists beyond the boundaries of “fiction” and “nonfiction”.

Are you prophetic? >> I don’t know. That’s something I’d only be able to conclude in hindsight, and I haven’t really bothered looking back to find out.

Do you speak in tongues? >> Nope. I remember being really disappointed that that never happened to me in church.

What are your spiritual gifts, if you have any? >> Hm.

Are you intuitive? >> No more than average, probably.

Have you ever had a premonition? >> Probably.

Have you ever had deja vu? >> Sure.

Do you see into the future? >> Nope.

Can you read minds? >> Nope.

Can you see spirits? >> Maybe. I don’t know.

Can you hear voices? >> I hear the voices of people in headspace.

Do you believe in the supernatural? >> Sure.

Why do you think churches ignore the supernatural so often? >> It’s often about power and control. To restrict the human experience to only what the religion in question dictates as possible -- only priests can commune with God in a way that goes beyond praying into the void, stuff like that -- is to create an illusion of dependence on the church, which keeps people coming back. It’s kind of unfortunate, really.

Would you ever go see a medium or psychic? >> Nah.

If someone were advertising "free healing miracles," would you go see them? >> I’d probably go to a revival featuring a faith healer because those look fun as shit, but I wouldn’t pay any money to them or anything. I’d just want to see, lmao.

Would you like to receive a prophetic word? >> Eh, I could do without.

What would you like to be healed of, if anything? >> Meh.

Do you feel guilty about anything currently? >> No.

Do you hear from God? >> At least three.

Do you spend time with God often? >> I curl up in the backseat of Wednesday’s car as often as possible. It does take a lot of mental focus on my part, though, so maybe not as often as I could.

Can you feel the presence of spirits in the room? >> Right now? No. Doesn’t mean they aren’t there, though.

Have you ever had a nightmare? >> Sure.

Have you ever had a prophetic dream? >> Probably.

What is the meaning of your name? >> Which one? Apparently “Mordred” comes from the Welsh “Medraut”, which likely comes from moderatus (Latin) meaning exactly what it looks like. Mordred, the Middle Way between Red and White. Seems legit.

Do you feel like your name's meaning fits you? >> Well, apparently I do. :p

Do you think you are a good person? >> No, I think I’m a person. ...Hell, sometimes I’m not even sure I’m that.

Do you think God would consider you a good person? >> I think Wednesday probably thinks I’m a right bastard just like him and his friends. Ravens of a feather, and all.

What do you think Heaven will be like? >> I can’t fathom Heaven. Every description I’ve heard of it makes no sense to me, so I figured it’s not supposed to.

Are you ready to die yet? >> Hell fucking no, stop asking me that.

Do you feel like your life is fair? >> I don’t care if it’s fair or not, I’m still making the best of it.

What would your life be like if you had an unlimited supply of cash? >> I have no idea, that’s unfathomable.

Do you believe Halloween decorations come alive when no one is looking? >> LOL no, but that’d be neat.

Do you celebrate Halloween? >> Sure.

Do you think renessaince faires are of the devil? >> If they are, the Devil has great taste.

Have you ever encountered an ogre? >> Not outside of a video game.

Are you an alien? >> Maybe.

Can you take a joke? >> I can take and give them.

Is there a cartoon character you wish you could meet? >> Sure, Dethklok would be fun to hang out with.

If you could have a date with a cartoon character, which one would it be? >> Charles Ofdensen (Metalocalypse). Although I kinda consider him a Me-Character, so that’d be funny.

Have you ever had a doll that looked like a person you knew? >> Nope.

If you had a voodoo doll, who would you punish? >> I don’t mess with that.

Do you enjoy watching horror movies? >> Hella.

Can you bend over backward like the girl in The Exorcist? >> Nope.

Is your house haunted? >> Most likely not, but who knows. Apartment complexes see so many people come in and out over time, and at least some of those people will probably leave something behind.

Have you ever wondered if your house was haunted? or had nightmares because you thought your house was haunted? >> I’ve lived in an apartment I’ve felt was also occupied by something else.

Have you ever been in the attic? >> No attic.

Is your basement creepy? >> No basement.

Do you believe in ghosts? >> Not particularly, but I’m always willing to entertain the concept.

Do you like ghost stories? >> Sure, some of them.

Do you believe the spirit realm is real? >> I think there’s probably many dimensions to existence.

Do you believe in.... evolution? >> Sure.

reincarnation? >> I think a good argument could be made for it. Eastern philosophies about it seem to make sense.

Heaven? >> I can’t fathom it, which makes it difficult to believe in. Other mythological before-/after-/parallel-to-life realms seem more believable to me.

Hell? >> Same as above.

the afterlife? >> I haven’t chosen a permanent stance yet. Generally I subscribe to the “energy of consciousness is transmuted into something else, and memory does not survive the transmutation” theory of consciousness, so the afterlife wouldn’t really work with that.

salvation? >> From what, though? I don’t think there’s anything in my life I need salvation from, so it seems kinda useless as a concept, personally.

ghosts? >> Eh.

angels? >> Already discussed.

demons? >> ^

fairies? >> Yeah, maybe.

mermaids? >> Mm.

genies? >> Again, if djinn are around, I’m avoiding them.

nymphs? >> I don’t know.

gnomes? >> Hmm.

aliens? >> Sure.

Santa Claus? >> I believe in the mythical figure of many names and various cultures that got sanitised into Santa Claus for our current version of Christmas.

Mother Nature? >> A world-soul, you mean? Sure, that’s a thing I could believe in. Azeroth has one, after all.

gods and goddesses? >> Yep.

God? >> I don’t know about that god in particular, though. The myth is way too murky for me.

Satan? >> I think if HaShem must exist, then so too must the Adversary. So if I’m going to believe in one, I’d have to believe in the other. They’re a BOGO kind of deal.

Jesus? >> I think Yeshua is one of the coolest mythic figures ever, actually.

The Holy Spirit? >> This is actually easier for me to grok than the Father. The Son’s the easiest, though.

elves? >> Sure, why not.

reindeer? >> There are perfectly natural animals called reindeer, so, I mean.

pixies? >> Hmm.

dinosaurs? >> Sure.

dragons? >> Sure.

prophesy? >> Yeah, maybe. I just don’t really want much to do with it.

premonitions? >> ^

intuition? >> ^

mind reading? >> Nah, mind-reading is pushing it.

speaking in tongues? >> I know it’s a thing people do because I’ve seen people stand right next to me and do it. But I don’t know what it is, and frankly, it’s kind of cool as a mystery.

prayer? >> Sure.

magic? >> Sure.

witches? >> Yep.

villains? >> I guess, yeah.

zombies? >> Mm, nah. Although I guess I can’t completely discredit necromancy. The movie The Serpent and the Rainbow has me pretty convinced, ngl.

werewolves? >> One of my friends is a werewolf.

vampires? >> Another of my friends is a vampire. Well, several of my friends, actually.

satanists? >> Yes, Satanists exist, in a variety of forms (theistic and otherwise).

supernatural healing? >> I mean, hey, maybe. I wouldn’t stop taking medication, though.

miracles? >> Sure, it just depends on your definition of the word.

that we live in an enchanted realm? >> I don’t know, maybe? I’ve no basis for comparison, after all.

that we're in a spiritual battle? >> Eh, I’m not fond of this concept because of the kind of evangelistic folk it’s usually attributed to.

that the book of Revelation is a real prophesy? >> It sure might have been.

that we're in the last days? >> Right now? I mean, here’s the thing about mythic time -- it’s so malleable and often cycle-based that you can point to almost any point in human history and make a very convincing case for that point in history having been a dead ringer for Armageddon. I could definitely point to events right now and make Revelation allegories. But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything -- or it could mean that Armageddon is an allegory for all Endings, including Endings that we as humans experience all the time. That’s the fun thing about mythology, man. It is always relevant.

that Jesus is coming back? >> He’s probably hanging around right now, smoking a bowl in some backyard somewhere. Hey, the Bible only predicted (and vaguely, at that) a Second Coming. They didn’t say anything about a Third, or Fourth, or so on. He could be on his Five Hundred Thousand and Twenty-Second Coming, for all we know.

that the Blood Red Moons are significant? >> Sure, they’re significant if we make them significant. That’s our power as a storytelling species.

astrology? >> Yep, I love astrology.

that the constellations tell the story of something? >> Well, yes. We drew pictures in the sky and used them to tell stories. We made that so.

that everyone is created equal? >> I don’t believe that everyone is created in the first place, which would mean that we couldn’t have possibly been created equal, either. I think it doesn’t matter either way, how we came to be here. We’re here, and the least we can do is treat each other with some fuckin kindness.

that everybody matters? >> That’s kind of impossible. There are way too many people on this planet for everyone to matter to me, or you, or anyone else. I think we do the best we can to think about as many people as possible, but to try too hard to do that means that you’re just going to end up doing more harm than good.

that life isn't fair? >> Sure, because it’s not sapient. Life doesn’t have an idea of “fairness” because it doesn’t have a brain to conceive of that. We do.

that some people who are poor deserve to be rich and some people who are rich deserve to be poor? >> I don’t believe that because it’s completely illogical.

Do you wish karma were real? >> I don’t know if it’s an actual cosmic force or not. I don’t think about it too much.

Do you make a lot of mistakes? >> No more than the average person, I’d imagine.

How long do you think someone should be punished for a mistake they've made? >> That’s not up to me.

Do you think mistakes should be punished at all? >> I’m not into punishment, myself, but I’m just one person. It seems to be a very popular concept with humanity in general.

Do you like mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? >> I really have no desire to know everything. What little peeking beyond the veil that I’ve tried to do has had a vaguely ruinous effect on me, so I figure I’m better off not pushing it.

Would you rather have horns or a tail? >> Horns, please.

Do you believe in unicorns? >> Sure, why not.

Do you wish you could talk to animals? >> I can. We just can’t understand each other, but it’s not all that important to me to be understood by, like, a cat.

Would you rather be a bird or a fish? >> Nah.

Would you rather be reincarnated as a human or something not human? >> I don’t know. “Not human” encompasses such a wide array of possibilities that I couldn’t possibly say no.

Are you happy? >> Generally? I guess, sure.

Who is harassing you/wronging you right now? >> Nobody.

Who is your knight in shining armor? >> Nobody.

Do you want to be rescued? >> From what? No.

Do you feel like you need to be rescued from the life you're living? >> No.

Do you believe in the story of Adam and Eve? >> The same way I believe in all the other Biblical stories, as I’ve expanded upon earlier in the survey. It’s not one of my favourites, though.

What would you like prayer for right now, if anything? >> I’m good.

What do you need right now that you don't have? >> *shrug*

Who was the last person to really hurt you? >> Oh, who knows.

Are you mad at someone right now? hurt? jealous? missing someone? >> Nope.

Are you a good friend? >> I don’t know.

Which fairytale do you relate to the most? >> I’m not sure.

Who is your favorite Disney princess? >> Moana!

Who is your favorite Disney character, besides the princesses? >> Stitch. Or Claude Frollo!

Favorite non-Disney cartoon character? >> I couldn’t even begin to choose.

Have you ever been to Disney World? >> Nope.

If so, would you say it's the most magical place on earth? >> ---

Do you want to go to the Magic Kingdom? >> I mean, sure, why not.

What country do you most want to visit? >> Morocco would be nice.

What city in the US do you most want to visit before you die? >> Hm.

What country do you live in? >> The US.

If you live in the US, what state do you live in? >> Michigan.

What's your favorite continent besides North America? >> *shrug*

What's your favorite foreign cuisine? (Mexican, Chinese, Thai, etc.) >> Most Asian cuisine.

Have you ever been on a missions trip? >> No, and I’d never go on one. I don’t like the concept.

Have you ever lived in a foreign country? >> Nope.

What is your dream? Do you have anyone who supports you in your dream? >> I don’t think I have one. I’m just livin’.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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almasidaliano · 3 years

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Here’s the thing about Religion:

so i'm not religious. i am spiritual. to each's own, whatever you believe in, im simply happy you believe in something.

i grew up christian, i guess. uh baptist, ame, and non denominational. resonated most with non demoninational, even gave sermon when i was 15. and i loved it, truly. church is what threw me for a loop the most in religion, and members of the congregation. it's like hard to want to follow something when followers aren't people you would imagine when you think "Christ-like" you know?

i have always been skeptical about christianity. about religion in general really. so you talk to god and he hears you and he gets back to you with a signal or sign, a blessing or a lesson etc. very seldom people go through these experiences where they have truly heard the voice of God or seen some silohuette or something. its all about faith. and that wasn't the issue. "walk by faith not by sight" right? okay. it was the discrimination. the way people take it upon themselves to condemn others. the amount of sins people commit by simply having a judgemental conversation in a holy building is beyond me. the way the pastors feed off of the congregation. churches should be tax exempt meaning they are getting plenty to sustain their building from the government. why is the congregation dropping money in collection plates?

tides and offerings. paying dues. what about buying food for someone who was hungry? or simply giving some money to someone in need? why is it you go through your week being christ like giving tides and offerings selfishly whole heartedly, just to come to church and twice maybe three times a collection plate goes around while the pastor giving some motivational speech about how he know you got it; knowing you probably don't so to speak.

the most repetitive thing in the bible is not to judge and christians have got to be some of the most judgemental people i have ever known. when it comes to religion so many believers want to passively play god. they want to decide who is worth saving and who is condemned, who is living right, and what they need to be doing with their life. and that is not their job nor their place. you love thy neighbor. it never said unless xyz. no. simply love thy neighbor. it means be kind. love can be passive. it's treating humans like humans and not animals. common decency; which like common sense is less than common.

each religion has like its commandments you know those clear set of rules. i personally never thought these were things that needed to be clarified on the do not do list, however society. when you really break it down though, it is simple. be a good person. don't steal, don't kill. don't commit adultry (being loyal and faithful). etc. there are hundreds of stories in the bible. each open for each individual's interpretation.

if the title of the Creator is God then God is a woman. male and female exist yes i just think there is a little bit left off to the story. if there's a battle of the sexes women are the superior. first, there's father time and mother nature. time is a construct, it does not actually exist. ashes to ashes dust to dust. we all come from the earth.

see how the white man created a male god and sent his male son to save us all. "this is a man's world" (the Devil is a white man. and God is a black woman.) that is true, why? because Earth is the Devil's playground. what is so crazy is that the devil is this symbol of desire and guilty pleasures, rebellion and such and here we have the power to choose. life is about experiences. thinking for yourself doesn't make you a menace, how else do you learn? self knowledge is the best knowledge.

the Nation of Islam, is the prominent black religion. Catholicism and Scientology are the most prominent white religions. Catholicism enables sodomy and pedophilia. Scientology is a tax exempt cult, pretty much controlling the media and lowkey the United States. the Nation partnered with them and have been getting some heat from it, however i think they are trying to take it down. as time has progressed, everyone has gotten smarter. talk about a trojan horse.

Scientology and Catholicism kind of rule the country. all the many branch religions from catholicism just get ranked under that, however those two mainly. Scientology is a full blown brainwashing cult. they are the abusive partner in a domestic violence situation. most religion is. it's like religion or life. religion or family. religion or you know? more division. Scientology is more extreme in the sense that they really have policies and such enforced behind the rules and expectations. However, the same dynamic is kind of true for other religions. people get shunned and become estranged from their families frequently due to religious disagreements. it is truly disheartening because if someone is supposedly lost and you are their loved one, or simply a member of the following, why wouldnt you keep supporting them in the sense of like love companionship an ear to listen. instead, they force people to choose between trusting themselves and trusting their religion.

if your religion makes you question yourself take a look at it. you may be fucking up, you may not. however, blind trust will lead you off a cliff. almost all if not all religions talk about Jesus in one way or the other. there is truth in everything see? the Bible says its blasphemy to read another holy text. i want to find a Bible in the original script before people came with their intentions and made it what they wanted.

let's talk homosexuality for a moment. now i dont know how other religions work, however in christianity, christians love to condemn a homosexual. first thing, WHAT DOES WHO SOMEONE ELSE LOVES HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OUTSIDER? nothing. nothing at all. it has never been anyone's place to tell someone who they can and cannot love. there are scriptures, however they talk about pedetry and sodomy, rape, and male prostitution. crazy thing, it speaks a lot about males not committing homosexual acts but im pretty sure only comes up once about women and the topic was still men.

here's what i think: like i said god is a woman. so if the stories still hold true, humans were created right? so male and man have prefixes. these are word parts that come before. adding these prefixes creates woman and female. in that, i feel as though women were here first. (probably considering all babies start as females and then whilst developing testes drop or don't.) men cannot carry children, they don't have the nutrients in their bodies, they too have nipples however they don't produce milk. men were created as a tool. like a whole ass donor or carrier. men do not like to be "second in command". they feel like in order to be a man and wear the pants, they must do all the providing while a woman does the nurturing. whereas women are multifaceted and great at multitasking. men are constantly thinking like squirrels trying to get nuts. that's all they are here for lol. women could rule the world.

toats just a random theory: what if eve eating the apple and gaining knowledge was the knowledge of true love. like what if shorty realized she aint love dude they were just made for each other lmao. like men are here for reproduction. and to help when a woman's hand are full. i mean like they are in the garden and shit all happy and shit then shorty eat the apple give it to dude and they like oh no we naked. so they go find bushes and leaves and make some lil clothes or coverings. its the knowledge of good and evil so what if their union was evil lol in the sense of bad. like they get caste out stay together have two sons and one kill the other on some hateful envious shit. men provoke violence and evil. they are so prideful. so its like men love women, because they were made to help repopulate and to some extent protect. that's why men think with their dick heads. maybe that's why homosexuality is a "sin" or they try and press the issue; because of rape and sodomy. also, in effort to keep women unhappy since men were too. like it says man and man shouldn't be together, blatantly. not woman. man. because it was unconsensual, and they are here for reproduction so they kinda wasting product getting off elsewhere if you know get what i am saying. lol its a loose theory just popped in my head. however, it kind of makes sense. this lifetime we learning and experiencing things. at the beginning of the lifetime there was woman and then male was created with the tools needed to procreate. as life progressed, there are now ways for same sex female couples to have children. currently only girls can be born due to the lack of "Y" chromosome, however in due time. it is still presently possible for a child have two birth mothers in the present. that is what life is for, the condension of One Sound Consciousness (basically the big bang except not how they described it.). the condension of the Consciousness means when the Creator decided on this lifetime and created every single thing in it us included in order to experience each and every part of their creation. the Creator knows all, can create all, however has not experienced all; that is what lifetimes are for. the experience. the knowledge gained.

always trust the vibes. energy never lies. your body is a radar. you must protect your peace. meditation is like prayer, except broader. in my opinion you let go of so much weight and you gain so much clarity. do not stop believing. always believe in something. mainly yourself. if nothing else. the things that you eat matter too. there are religions against eating pork, all slaves had was pig parts and pig's food. personally, i think it strengthened our bodies against more diseases and such like made us immune.

religion is simply something to believe in. spirituality is actuality. energy is undeniable. you can feel vibrations. and if you can't open your third eye because you are sleep and we need to be woke. we are superhuman. we have superpowers. for centuries, we have been under a curse of mental slavery. (sound familiar? this is why our ancestors laid down and took it. this is why my melanated friends still laying down and taking it.

having faith supposed to make you stop being afraid to die. so do yall not actually believe in something? because i get (ish) in general not wanting to die if you can help it. however, what part of the life you living is worth living truly? if you sat down and looked at the cards you were dealt, could you honestly say "nah im good, it could be worse ima ride it out." or some shit? would you truly rather live this life than fight for the life you want, the life you deserve and maybe die in the process? so what if they gone kill you anyway?

you know they out to kill us anyway. this is the land of the free and the home of the brave. you gotta be brave to be free. we caged or running the streets. "Ye though I walk throw the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil-" trust yourself and give it to the universe.

We will prevail. We will prevail. We will prevail.

your God already knows your heart, learn yourself and fight like hell for peace, equality, and harmony.

-Almasi

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purplenickel · 6 years

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So this turned more into my queer dating history but its fun lol

So I have always been attracted to boys even before I knew that trans was a thing much less that I could transition. I also always admired girls and found ways to rationalize it until like middle school when I became aware of bisexuality where I had so many crushes usually on the mean kids at least the ones that didn’t have like weird shaped heads or watch alarms that went off at weird times during class like why do you need an alarm for 1:27? Youre supposed to be learning basic Spanish do that instead lol An I dated one guy in middle school when I knew I was bisexual and at least a tom boy. And the things I wanted to do to that boy. Like I was kinky as a small child lol like damn you could do a lot more than hold my hand and let me give you innocent little cheek kisses.

We stayed together until freshmen year of high school where I was bored with how slow things were going so I broke up with him. It probably didn’t help that I was starting to question my gender then either. I told my mom I thought I wanted to be a boy and she shot that down real quick “You’re a girl and cant be a boy” so I ended up trying to cut off all my hair until it was so fucked she had to give me a buzzcut and I ended up looking like a hard core butch lesbian for a semester)

Second boyfriend was this skinny dude like only an inch taller than me and I was 5’3 at the time. I wrote down love song lyrics and gave them to him to ask him out. Im romantic like that lol. We dated for a while and I guess we just grew apart. He wouldn’t do much more than kiss me occasionally and I was like damn yall how do I keep getting these innocent Victorian straight boys. But he was cute and I still see him around town much to my embarrassment. Idk why im embarrassed so much maybe I feel bad that he thought he was dating a girl and im not?

Next boyfriend was a bi emo guy named Justice. I dated him mainly because he was the only bi guy I knew at my school in rural redneck Virginia lol he ended up being really kinky and kinda weirdly intense. Like the fun part was he didn’t mind that I was all for sitting in the back of the anime club/computer classroom and tryina get down. The weird part was that he had the idea to write Real Person fanfiction staring ourselves as like vampires because he had a major biting kink and was really emo and thought he was goth but rural VA is a hard place to be goth when all your clothes come from walmart. But he was really intense like he had our entire lives planned out in the fanfic and actually went a bought me a ring , gold with a pearl setting, that I immediately lost because why would you give me a ring??? Nah so I got real disinterested in Justice and planned to break up with him. I actually ended up cheating on him sort of. My class went on a field trip to Jamestown famous school tour site all Virginian probably had to go to. And one of my classmates/kind of friends was this really hot guy with this shaggy blonde hair and this wiry lanky body and was this laid back hot stoner type and I really liked him so I sat next to him on the bus ride and seduced him through out the whole trip until we stopped in this little shopping mall on the way back to school. I was walking around one of the department stores and saw him trying one underwear of all things lol he invited me to help him pick out a new pair of tight good looking underwear and I agreed and slipped into the changing room while he was putting them on and ended up giving him a hand job he was grateful lol. Then we went back to the bus and pretended like nothing happened but there was already a rumor going around the buses that somebody had sex in the store. A few days later Justice actually broke up with me because he felt that I was “acting different” and I probably was simply because I wasn’t attracted to him any more.

Between dating Justice and the next guy I did have my first kiss with a girl! She was so pretty with silky black hair in a bob and dark blue eyes and the palest skin. She dressed in rave clothes all the time and sometimes wore fairy wings and cloaks to school. She was delightfully strange but moved to florida I think but we were saying goodbye by the schools front doors and when it was my turn I gave her a tight hug and she turned her face and gave me a kiss and I was just wow kissing girls is so nice. Speaking of girls, I also had a huge crush on president of the anime club. She was so tall and really thin with a few curves, but she was really confident and funny and just made you feel at ease and I could’ve seen myself dating her easily but she was dating someone else but im pretty sure she might have been bi but she graduated and moved to Washington state to be a masseuse.

Next boyfriend was extremely religious and also wanted to get married. I was against getting married so young, really against converting to southern baptism and definitely against having kids. Pregnancy has always freaked me out mostly because I don’t like pain and don’t want to be in pain and in general everything about reproduction freaks me out idk why. But I really wanted him. He had these nice big and rough hands and was so warm all the time. He was also really sweet. But I broke up with him because I couldn’t do the religious thing It was Too Much™.

After dating him though I had this huge crush on this girl a year younger than me in me creative writing class. She was gothic in a very flowery dark fairy type way and I loved it she was also had a huge gay crush on my female friend who I can confirm is very beautiful with long dyed red hair and olive skin and this soft husky voice that would be perfect for a late night radio talk show where you call in about relationship problems. But anyways the girl I had a crush on was named Sage and she was beautiful with her long blonde hair and her light green eyes and small everything she was very thin like scarily thin she actually had an eating disorder that we tried to help her with and she could reach her hand behind her ribs and grip the bottom of her ribs it was creepy to look at. She wrote beautiful and dark poems and never seemed to mind that my crush took the form of hugging her and resting against her as often as I could. She never seemed interested in me though I think she was actually fatphobic or maybe she was just femme for femme I dunno but I graduated and nev er saw her again so whatever.

After I graduated high school I decided to go to a traditionally womens college. My roommate was ace and like the first openly ace person I had ever met and she was really cool and introduced me to the idea of being ace but at the time I was decidedly bi and later pan once some more friends introduced me to tumblr and I started openly learning about gender and sexuality. All my friends were really hot that I met at college and I probably would have been down to date any of them except for the girl that I met through the anime club who also really liked the anime Hetalia. We could get together and watch episodes and read a variety of fanfictions ranging from family type things to kinky sex shit we were very close and im sure that a lot of people thought we were dating or at least fooling around together. We actually met each other at a Virginia anime convention where the anime club people went in a group and I went separately with some friends from high school (the best part of the experience was the wafflehouse in the hotel parking lot) but me and my friend got together at the con and went back to my groups hotel room to gush over the merch we had found and watch some anime together. I was in a closet cosplay that consisted of booty shorts and tied button up shirt so I had a lot of skin showing and we were sitting on the bed by ourselves until my friends came back and they all thought we had sex like no she was very attractive and had really nice curves but girl needed to shower more often because unfortunately she had a smell to her that I just didn’t like. I think she was interested in dating me but she ended up having financial problems of some sort and couldn’t come back to school the next year.

After she left school I came out as trans and got closer to the core group of the college anime club. They were all really hot except for the vegetarian one but she had a boyfriend and didn’t seem to like me much anyways so whatever. I also dated this one girl in my graduation class for like three days over the summer but she broke up with me because she was again a southern Baptist and couldn’t honestly date a trans person because it somehow went against god or some shit. That person has since come out as trans masculine. But anyways next person I dated was this smoking hot older girl who only wore skirts. She was southern Baptist and straight but I had to try even if I never got to be anything other than her creepy friend who everybody knew had a crush on her. She surprisingly was interested in dating me so we started going out. We went on dates around town to explore and see new stores and went to the park and shit was great we had kisses and cuddles and fun cute dates and sexy times but we also clashed a lot over mostly miscommunication. It didn’t help that I was on a medicine that once I started taking it regularly like I was supposed to my sex drive dropped to nonexistent. We fought over this a few times but still planned to try to get an apartment off campus the next year. I thought she was being too clingy by texting me pretty often that summer. I was in a bad mood all of that summer though. We broke up and got back together over the phone probably at least three times before deciding to break up for good. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together because when we weren’t fighting we had a lot of fun and I told her things I hadn’t told anybody before, I felt safe.

The next person I dated didn’t go so well. This was a friend from the colleges LARP club that also had people from the community or it was a community club that extended to the college kids and just ended up being held on campus but that’s how we met. She had a very butch androgynous look but I just really liked her personality no matter how hot she looked in her leather jacket. So we started off as LARP friends and then I worked up the nerve to ask for her number and just texted her about random things and we ended up talking about how much we both like coffee so that turned into a coffee date at the local dunkin and it was a lot of fun and we had a few more dates like that and things were looking good. A few friends that knew both of us warned me that she didn’t normally go for men but I had talked to her myself and was like that a lie and you don’t know what youre talking about ok so we hung out for a few months going slow and not really relationship dating. Around the time I was thinking of asking her to be a couple my mental health deteriorated and I ended up being hospitalized. I tried calling her once to keep up the habit of talking at night through text since I couldn’t text at the time but I think me being in the “cr*zy ward” freaked her out because 1) the phone call did not go well and was never tried again and 2) once I got out of the hospital I texted her to see if she was interested in picking up where we left off and she shut me down saying she just wanted to be friends. Of course not even a month later I found out that she and the girl I had dated for over a year were now dating. This bothered me for a long time and I was constantly wondering if I was too cr*zy to date somebody or it was because I was trans a whole bunch of self hatred type thoughts. I eventually got over it (mostly)

Then I didn’t date anybody until last year. I started texting my friend Cat from high school (back then we had a very cute James Potter Severus Snape thing going on where the characters were dating but we weren’t) and I learned that they were agender and ace and I thought it over and determined that I was ridiculously attracted to them and didn’t mind being in a nonsexual relationship because at the time I was still pretty sex repulsed myself besides for reading kinky fanfiction and getting myself off every once in a while. So We went on a friends date in the spring to see Zootopia and it was so much fun and they were so cute in their leggings and hoodie with their windblown cropped hair dyed dark red. I asked them if they wanted to date and they said yes so we went on our first official date (a hike up an abandoned walking trail where we both got covered in ticks and I had to stop and stretch out a bad leg cramp, then we got lunch at a cute vegetarian café in town and went to the town park to hang out. We sat in the grass and listened to Florence and the Machine songs and smiled at each other looking cute. We then got milkshakes and learned that we still had ticks on us from the hick and they took me home and gave me a sweet kiss goodbye with the promise of more dates in the future). Over the summer we hung out a lot because they and their mom were moving from the house they had lived in for years to a house a county over and I volunteered to help with the moving of the last few belongings. Maybe 5 trips all together, but it was a good time every day we got to see each other. We would comfortable hang out in their old house packing things up and taking our time and then we would take the forty five minute drive to the new house listening to whatever queer music we could find and save to playlists. Then we would cuddle on their couch after taking the days moving things inside and find something nice to eat on the way back to my house. I visited their college a few times (another traditionally women’s college) and met their friends who were also agender and queer and very cute people indeed. I enjoyed all the time I spent with Cat. Cat also helped me realize I was leaning more towards being a demiguy than strictly binary trans and that it was okay if I was ace, that sexuality can be fluid. Our relationship was very intimate and domestic and I loved it, especially the tight hugs and long slow kisses I would get each time we met and each time we had to say goodbye. I fell in love with Cat and because we didn’t see each other all the time and there was no pressure to maintain a sexual relationship I felt I could maintain those feelings I had for cat for a long time. We dated up until August of 2017 when they texted me and let me know they felt they were not only agender and asexual but also felt aromantic and would prefer to be platonic as they couldn’t keep up with the demands of a relationship. This devastated me. I took a week off from school to lie at home and let myself deal with the depression this brought. Im over Cat now. I enjoyed what we had but Im happy being friends though our ideas of friendship are different but that’s another textpost entirely.

I recently went to Charlottesville Pride 2017 with my friends that are the couple where I dated both and now they are happily dating each other and one of their other trans friends and it was so much fun. I think the act of getting a bag of free condoms reawakened my sex drive somehow?? Because now I would totally be down to get sex from anybody I was attracted to?? And im attracted to a lot more people than I usually am?? Like it was my friend Ness’s birthday a few weeks ago and she invited the same trans friend that went to pride with us to come and she brought her cousin with her and damn. Her cousin was the cutest and got so drunk like baby no you gotta stop while its still fun. So he’s agender and gave me his Snapchat and Im just…crushing so hard…hes too cute. But also I’ve been talking to people on OKCupid and everyones just so attractive (not the cismen tho neither the hets or gays wanna hit it so fuck em I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life) and all these tumblr people are cute and I wanna date everybody but everybody live like at least three hours away and it makes me sad because nobody seems to wanna try a long distance type thing which I would be up for.

So tl;dr: if youre reading this and you think im cute, message me and ill tell you what all we could do together ;)

Im a biromantic greyace chubby transmasculine enby and i like all body types and most personality types lol

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phobio2000 · 6 years

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Church Family

Last week I felt like I've nothing left to write about, just the same old stuff, reiterating until it becomes coherent and refined to the point that I felt like I can't possibly do any better. So on Sunday morning I drove to church, as usual, and on my way there, I thought about what to do next. There is just a sense of relief, like, I've spent years looking for answers and trying to figure things out, and then years more trying to write about it so people can learn about what I've learned and live happier lives, as well as not making the same mistakes I did, and perhaps ultimately, they may see that there is a God that loves them through and through, in spite of the cold, cruel, ruthless, and ugly nature of humanity that started off good, according to God's will and blessings, but just gradually went downward spiral when sin entered into the world. I wanted to help people see that, this world, its craziness, its people, the duality within us that desire both good and evil yet how evil ultimately dominates, and yet again through the love of God there is a path to freedom and salvation, is the most comprehensive and accurate model for the human condition according to the Bible, and I've covered it in great details, based on everything I've learned and experienced, and then, based on the same model, others can discover more truths and applications within their own little worlds, so that, ultimately, we can all protect ourselves, be wise, have a balanced perspective, and pursue after love and happiness and actually succeed and thrive at it, and then, ultimately, see that it is God who holds the key to all blessings and hope, the hope of our salvation, not just in the afterlife, but just as much in the here and now. I just felt like, after writing about "Up" and "Ready Player One", I've ran out of things to write about it, and I feel pretty good about it, but the anxious part of me was thinking about exploring the world of arts and perhaps write stories and create artworks that would make my life message pop. And this anxious attitude was how I walked into the church yesterday, but by the time the day ended, I walked away feeling very different. When church started, I just felt the Lord impressing upon me, that church is family, as I tweeted: Church should be like family. I felt the Lord really impressed this upon me yesterday morning while I was at church. The natural response is to push back and say that humanity is flawed and you can't be too naïve. It's true, but God pushed back and say that we are called to be leaders of this calling, that it is God's vision for his church. Well, I will be a leader, then. I believe in this church enough, there is enough good in it to pursue after it. Otherwise, in any typical circumstances and environments, it's more like a bunch of old stale Chinese fried doughs (老油條) chugging along week after week, and that's often the case even with real families, let alone church. I think deep down, that's my dream, too, all along, albeit a failed and broken one, but now I am with a group who is earnest and sincere about going that direction, But what is stopping us from being a family, church or real families alike? Thoughts started flowing into my head throughout the day. 1. The desire to out rank others a. Jesus's disciples were quarreling over who rank higher, and who gets to sit at the left and right hand of Jesus once he received his kingdom. But Jesus corrected them, that even though in this world you got kings and bosses that tell people what to do, but amongst you things must be different. Rather, whoever wants to be great among you, let him be the servant of all. b. Jesus had the mount of transfiguration experience, but he told the disciples who saw it not to tell anyone. Rather, towards the end of his ministry, he got on his hands and knees and washed the disciples feet, and commanded that they should make an effort to wash one another's feet, as well. Peter said to Jesus, "But how can I possibly let you wash my feet!" Jesus said, "Unless you let me wash your feet, you will have no relationship with me." And Peter replied, "Then don't just wash my feet, but other areas also." c. So, by the same logic, in order for a group of people to be like a family, mutual feet washing is essential, so much so, that it is impossible otherwise. d. This ranking issue, it pertains to livelihood, life's work, everything. It's very complicated. i. Let's say a person has a "mount of transfiguration" experience and somehow received a gift of preaching, healing, etc. Do you think others in the church would just let that person have a free pass? No. They'd be thinking along the line of what does this mean to them, their well being, stature, and future: 1) Can I profit out of it? 2) Can I somehow gain leverage over the person? 3) Is this a threat to me? Is there a conflict of interest? ii. And based on how a person responds to these questions and the course of action taken, things will likely go towards or away from the ideal of being a family. And often time, it'd be the wrong direction. iii. And do you think that the anointed individual would be any less innocent? He/she is thinking along the same line. Do you think that person is going to be like Jesus and just be hush hush about the whole thing? No way! Lol :D iv. And as a result of both sides acting incorrectly, you get a series of relationship chemistries going on that compounds on one another over time, to the point that things become more and more political, rather than more and more like family. And, sadly, if that's how things turn out, maybe it's far better to not have that "mount of transfiguration" experience to occur to begin with. 1) When I was a kid I saw a short clip of the movie "God Must be Crazy." It was a scene when this small airplane was flying over some village in Africa and this white guy threw out the window a Coca-Cola bottle. An African villager found it. He has never seen anything like it, and it turned out to be very useful for various things, plus it looks pretty. Eventually people started fighting over it and the villagers found out very quickly that it works great as a weapon, too. Hmm, I really should watch that movie lol :D. v. But what is the Biblical response? 1) John the Baptist said, concerning Jesus, when his ministry grows while even some of John's own disciples left to follow him, "He shall increase, and I shall decrease. The friend of the bridegroom rejoices over the groom, and his joy is full." 2) Jesus hush hushed about the Mount of Transfiguration experience and choose to wash the disciples feet instead. 3) As a result, Jesus said that John the Baptist is the greatest man that ever lived. Keep in mind that he performed no miracle, nor any great feat, like David or Solomon, yet he is the greatest man ever. 4) The Father greatly exalted Jesus, placing his name above all names, giving him all authorities in heaven and on earth. 5) "I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me. If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true. There is another that beareth witness of me; and I know that the witness which he witnesseth of me is true." (John 5:30-32) 6) "My doctrine is not mine, but his that sent me. If ay man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself. He that speakers of himself seekers his own glory: but he that seeketh his glory that sent him, the same is true, and no unrighteousness is in him." (John 7:16-18) 7) I think the general message is that, don't worry so much about promoting yourself and compete with one another the way the heathens do in their worlds systems, but rather practice your faith by doing things differently, and then let the Father himself bear witness for you and promote you, for it is his responsibility. 2. There are probably many other things, but this was the only thing that the Lord has brought to mind, and it's probably the most crucial, root problem, thing. The Lord also spoke to me about worship music today. Well, where do I start? How about the roles of first and second generation pioneers? Say you have King David, who fought wars and established the kingdom, and then comes Solomon who brought along a lot of refinement type things, like the temple, palace, prosperity, sophistication in culture, etc. David brought us Psalms that deeply connects us to God, and then Solomon brought us Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, writings that dealt deeper into things, contemplating on deeper issues of life. Life often works this way, the first generation pioneer expanded the territories and established the kingdom, which is a great and wonderful feat, yet then only to serve as the foundation for the second generation pioneers who brought along depth of culture and sophistication. It's like the story of that doctor I wrote about before. When his daughter was about to attend college, she was thinking about graduating in five years, so she can explore different things and culture, and he was baffled, because when he was in college, he thought that for the same amount of money he could take as many classes as he wants, and he would try to load up as much as he could handle, and this is the difference between first and second generation pioneer ways of thinking. It's kind of like what Pastor Brian Houston said, that his ceiling is our floor, it pleases him greatly when we can take everything he has worked so hard for and offered to us for free, and then build on top of it even more beautiful and greater and more wonderful things, like what Solomon built on top of David's foundation. I think this's is kingdom culture in action, because Jesus also said to his disciples that they will do even greater things than what he did on earth, and I think, from the Book of Acts onward, that has proven to be the case, great miracles, great revivals, yet that is only in terms of magnitude, while the greatest will always be Jesus, who was like the seed that died in the ground so that he could bring life to so many. So like, sometimes I wonder, that perhaps some of the greatest people in history are actually ones that we have never heard of nor will ever learn about, who just choose to die like a seed in the ground in order for someone else to shine. Like Lewis Hamilton's dad, for example, who taught him everything, and without him there would be no Lewis Hamilton. So like, I suddenly started thinking, well, it was an afterthought of trying to make sense of something I felt, actually, as quirky things tend to hit me during worship sometimes. It's hard to describe what I felt, but I can try to explain it. Yo Yo Ma produced an album years ago called "Songs of Joy and Peace". Track 19 "Kuai Le" has no lyrics but has a person singing. "Kuai Le" means happiness in Chinese, and I think the song is meant to be felt and not listened. Because even though there's no lyrics, when you listen carefully it seems to describing a journey to happiness. It started out kind of solemn and sad and lonely, and then the singer starts moaning and groaning and sighing and the cello felt like inner contemplation over something sad, and then suddenly there's a change of tone, that the singer started to find courage to stand up, be strong, and move on, and then resoluted with happiness with the accompanying music resembling a march, and the cello started feeling like a bird soaring in the air freely, and then the tone of the music just start to feel happy and free and brings a smile to your face. So, is it possible to be second generation pioneers, building off our current platform, by adding these finer, deeper, and more sophisticated things? And suddenly I have a thought, that, being a first generation immigrant (or generation 1.5, came at a young age), what was I doing being so obsessed with second generation pioneering stuff my whole life? Dude, what was I thinking? But it was what the Lord placed in my heart…. So sad… but had to step out in faith when Jesus calls me to… :…(. Oh Jesus, please remember my faithfulness and make a way for me…., for I've given you everything I have without reservations nor thinking about myself! So I started worshipping differently… again… lol :D. Backtracking, I think that perhaps the whole rugby culture, raw strength thing, though very powerful, can be the baseline foundation to build on. Let's say, we can at least get that, then we can use our imaginations and apply our creativities and think about what else can worship be? And…, I sort of forgot what I did now lol :D. I went straight to watching Ant Man and the Wasp after the second service, and then just sort of chill and came back for the third service lol :D. But I remember it was really good and pioneering stuff lol :D. The morning sermon was the same one as last Sunday nights, but I loved hearing it over and over, as it packs so much power, just hammering the message into my heart so that it really sticks. I am actually looking forward to hearing this Sunday night's sermon two more times next Sunday morning, for the same reason. Our pastor is just awesome. I feel that there's so much more buried inside him and it's just a privilege to be pastored by this guy and attending this wonderful church. I am blessed, I feel God's love, I never once felt like the meeting was mundane and typical and always go home renewed and different and encouraged. Something different they started doing, is to invite people to go up front after the meeting to have people pray for them. I went up, just explaining how I've been praying for three things for a long time: job, bad neighbor harassment, and devil's accusation. Pastor Josh was such a nice person. I was really impressed when he prayed for me, so much attentions to the individuals, like he's interceding with the Holy Spirit as he prayed, and I felt so blessed and empowered afterward. He kept saying that I am favored in God's eyes, and that really stuck with me today. Coincidentally, something that Pastor Diego's preaching also stuck with me, that while we may be thinking that we are pursuing hard after God, the reality of the situation is, that God is actually the one pursuing hard after us, situating us where we are at just so that he can. It's strange, because, all the times before, I thought I am supposed to be like the way King David searching for the lost Ark of Covenant. According the Psalms, he wrote that he's not going to sleep nor eat until he finds it, so fervent and zealous. I lived my whole life like this, always wanting to give more, being afraid of not giving enough, always in fear of being rejected by God or deemed as not good enough, being counted out, left out, dismissed, which is pretty much how the whole world saw and treated me my whole life. So to have one pastor said God pursues hard after me and then another pastor said God sees me favorably in his eyes, it did wonders to my heart. It really set me free. On the way home, my mentality completely changed. After being prayed for I just felt like I just want to be a normal guy, having a normal job (nothing weird and crazy like all the ones I've had before), make whatever amount of money God wants me to make, come to my church home every Sunday, tithe, get involved, volunteer, pray for my church, and proceed life as a normal, blessed individual. It's amazing how on Saturday, Pastor Joel A'Bell said that we should not feel pressured to give more than 10%, that it is wrong for churches to pressure people into giving, which resulted in the nice ones feeling pressured to give even more than they already did while not necessarily do anything for those who have been withholding tithe offerings. That felt right and I felt relieved. It's not so much about how much or how little I give, but the feeling of just doing the right thing for the Lord and let that be the end of it, that sense of peace, rest, and freedom without anxiety and worry. Because, before, I've always felt like I needed to do more for the Lord in order to gain his favor and approval. This is just how it is with us humans, that our minds may know the truth but we may not necessarily feel it and then still be so blind and dumb and still not living in the truth, according to what we know. We are just dumb sheep, and it really takes the revelation and grace of the Lord to really reach us for real sometimes and truly let the truth set us free. I just got a feeling that, all those years of struggles before with jobs, it was not because God disapprove of me, or I was not good enough, but it was because he wants to teach me something, shape me into someone special that I would be happy with, and then, to lead me to see the truth about humanity and give me a life message that can help restore others. And, to my best knowledge, I think that season of my life is over. God wants to heal and restore me, as if I've never been bogged down or hurt before by all those things, and then he is going to heal me even of my life long anxiety about money, which started when I was just like a five year old boy or something when I saw my parents were worrying about money, that scene just stuck with me and I've wanted to help ever since, and it drove me mad how after all these years, all these efforts, I still couldn't help. It really made me lose hope in life, as this is something that has been instilled into me my whole life and it kills me to not being able to come through after all these years. But God is healing even that. And then, for me, to not have a good career is like how a woman would feel when she cannot conceive. Well, I have no idea how that feel, but I know that it is life and death stuff. I feel like my whole identity is tied to it, for whatever reason, it just means that much to me, and it pains me immensely that… well, I'm repeating myself lol :D. But today, something interesting happened, I just don't care anymore. I want to be with Jesus and do what he wants me to do, and that's the end of that. There's that verse in Proverbs that says "Do your outside works, make yourself fit in the field, and then afterward build your house." It sort of goes in that order, I think, that's the smoothest, most methodical way to go. Because, to me, as a man, I just don't have it in me to do what Pastor Brian did, to be married and then have a pregnant wife while still struggling to make ends meet and put food on the table. I don't know if it's the traditional Chinese within me, but personally speaking, that's a very shameful thing to me, although I have no problem with how other people choose to live their lives at all whatsoever, only compassion towards their struggles and a further affirmation for myself that I must try hard to be an adequate provider, when it comes my turn. And to me, I feel that, unless I have proven myself and established myself that way, I am second class, a dishonored man who ought to be ashamed of himself. It's like I have no right to talk to people as equals or be so preposterous as to asking a girl out when I know in my heart that I am uncertain about my financial future and have nothing adequate to offer her. I don't know how it works with other men, but this has just been something that I felt a deep conviction about my whole life, what's expected of me. But while I am still deeply instilled into this notion, at the same time, though, I am letting it go like never before, such that, just being with the Lord everyday and be happy is sufficient for me. Because, I did try my very best, and at my age, I think it's just time to accept the final verdict and the outcome, as is, whether I succeeded or failed, whatever, it is what it is. It's over, onward with the next season. And this morning I went hiking. I've been in a deep slump for the past several weeks, after that whole chain of rejections and disappointments with job searches. It was especially hard because I was trying to learn new things, doing things the Hillsong way. Pastor Brian said "Be expectant". Before, I would drop expectations and just do my best and let the result be whatever God allows it to be, so to find balance and soften the blows of disappointments, if things go that way. But since I'm going to Hillsong Church now, I need to learn to live the message. So each time I try my best to be expectant, and then get back up and try again and again and again, only to be met with the worst and most unexpected disappointments and discouragements I've ever faced in my career history. Each time I'd try to get back up and be expectant, while crying on the inside, because I am not a rugby player. I am a bamboo that moves with the wind, bend but not break. It really hurts! So last week, all I did was fast and pray. Well, actually, it has been sort of like that for the past several weeks. Towards the end of the week the Lord strengthened and restored me enough that I actually could get back out on the trail again, climbing up that mountain that was pretty challenging and scary just not that long ago, when I was not healthy, not in shape, and carrying chronic pain and old injuries that can easily be re-aggravated.. But God is good, I got back up and felt in my heart that God's love never fails. Where sins abound, grace abound even more. Today I not only felt the peace of God that surprises all understanding, but the empowerment of the Holy Spirit that directly pushes back the stabbing accusations that has been pinning me down all this time. Before, I said that it's like darkness I can almost physically feel, but today it's more like grace I can physically feel and touch, sort of. Where sin abounds, grace abounds even more. Amen. And on the way back to my car, I saw a yacht far away, and some fancy cars, and I just felt like they are traps. The society crams these values down our throats to make us unhappy and tempt us to become distant from God, and that we are to seek approval and acceptance by wasting our lives living miserably in pursuit of those things, as well as feeling miserable for not having enough of them. What for? What's the point? Isn't Jesus alone enough? He is for me. And I thought about these so called "friends". What are they, really? The truth is, that no matter what I say or do, good or bad, offensive or not, the bottom line is, they neither like me nor hate me, for at the end of the day, they are going to like whoever has money and hate whoever doesn't, so why should I care about their opinions and feelings? I'm reinvesting everything into God and my church family. Amen. And I'm just going to rest a little bit, and then go polish up that resume again, and see if there's anything I can improve upon, and then try and hit the job boards again, as a renewed and restored person, pursuit by God, favored by God. Praise the Lord. Amen.

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