#this week has been so frustrating like

[heksedatteren]

another xinjin post - in a modern-ish setting this time :3c

#genshin impact #genshin impact xinyan #genshin impact yun jin #xinjin #yunyan #might make an ittorou post soon if im able to sort out my art block and finish my prompts lol #tablet has been malfuntioning like hell the past few weeks #so these drawings have been more of a source of frustration than hobby outlet ncnxjdjjd #a mini xiangling appearance!!! featuring service shiba goobs :3

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

#cats #holiday #OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few #days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below) #My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart #rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart #so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag #and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day #last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few #hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent #ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect #because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make #me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these #'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a #few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is #getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better #and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo #I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm.. #pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c #Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after #like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread... #I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was #doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally #ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully #whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos #ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever. #And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely #though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart #stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive #things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***

[taleweaver-ramblings]

Prayer request: please pray for my grandpa. He's having open-heart surgery tomorrow, and he has two other hospital-worthy health issues that they're going to have to figure out how to treat after that. He had a bad fall back in May, and while he was originally doing miraculously well, he stopped taking care of himself as well as he should have in July (right about when he should have been able to start doing more . . .), and that's led to a whole slew of issues.

Specific requests:

That the heart surgery goes well.

That the doctors will have wisdom to figure out how to treat the other issues.

That my grandpa will be receptive to whatever changes he needs to make to ensure these problems don't come back and new problems don't arise, and that he'd find the motivation to not stay in his current mindset (which seems to be that he's avoiding anything that requires effort).

This is a little selfish, but pray that my uncle (who's currently with my grandpa) would be able to stay with him for his recovery instead of making my mom come up again (after she already spent literally all summer taking care of my grandpa after his initial fall).

Thanks in advance.

#really do appreciate your prayers #all this is especially scary and frustrating because my grandpa was *so* healthy before his fall #like. it would have been very reasonable to think he was ten years younger than he was #because he was still very strong and healthy and independent #he ate well. he was at the gym three times a week. he kept up with his house and his shopping and did woodworking and suduko. #and now he keeps skipping meals #and he barely leaves the house #and he has a hard time walking without a walker #it's like he spent so long being told to be careful during initial recovery #that now he's unwilling to do anything that might be a strain even when he could and probably should #and obviously he's going to have to recovery from the surgery #but! the surgery would not be necessary if he had been eating well and moving and stuff at reasonable levels previously! #and I'm not trying to blame him #I'm just. I don't know. It's sad and scary and frustrating. #taleweaver speaks #prayer request

[suddencolds]

~

#delete later #another journal entry 📝 for the void #i have not been sleeping well for the past 2 wks 😵‍💫 i always wake up like clockwork after 5-6 hrs which feels like not nearly enough #i feel like i've done everything there is to do (consistent exercise + consistent sleep times + earplugs + weighted blanket + no caffeine) #last night i took melatonin too but no... same problem staying asleep 😭 #ahh whatever. i'm just frustrated that it has to be this way :( #anyways in an act of spite i reread like the 4 wips that have been sitting in my drafts from the past few weeks #i think something that will never cease to surprise me about writing is that more effort/time doesn't necessarily translate to better #results; i suppose that's the case with all kinds of art but #it does feel somewhat unintuitive. one of my fav professors in uni said to not dismiss those 'lightning in a bottle' moments (in art) as #blind luck... but to instead analyze the circumstances and iterate on recreating them. and i think one of my artist friends who i deeply #respect said something similar (wrt artistic rituals/setup). i have too many thoughts on writing and on my own creative processes and #weaknesses to fit into any number of tags here. :') that said... #*shakes ch2 draft* after everything i did and all the hours i spent WHY are you still so bad?!!! D: i am baffled and frustrated. #and why do i prefer this other [redacted] draft which i hammered out with utterly no regard towards the quality?? #anyways. back to the drawing board i guess T.T

[lesbiancarat]

man, part of me really wants to type out a whole rant about this shit but I feel like if I do there won't really be a central point and it will just be a bunch of disjointed rambling. so all I'll say is I'm so fucking tired of svt being under a giant corporation. like regardless of opinion about pledis by itself/pre-hybe, at least then we a) knew what we were dealing with and b) had /some/ collective power as fans to influence the company (ex. getting closer MV and svt ring as merch incidents)

all the hybe acquisition did was add 10 more layers of politics onto everything. for every one thing you could argue hybe improved or fixed, there's like 100 other pieces of bullshit that got introduced directly or indirectly. and it's not even a situation of hybe trying to sabotage svt or whatever like some ppl try to fearmonger about, it's literally all just capitalism and trying to please shareholders and make a profit and I'm so fucking tired of it

#this isn't about any one thing btw this feeling has been building since the acquisition was first rumored #and there were a couple things in the last couple months or so that have just brought it all to the surface #but also i feel like im just frustrated bc a lot of this stuff i saw coming like 4 years ago when the acquisition was just a rumor #and like. idk with every passing year feeling vindicated in the worst way possible #bc i wish i was proven wrong #but capitalism always wins so i cant really be surprised #ugh kind of ended up ranting anyway hopefully im making sense #idk might end up deleting this later anyway #bc i like to keep this blog relatively positive for both my own and yalls sake #and idk if i have the energy to answer any asks that might arise from this either #esp since ive been having a stressful week at work too #but ugh we'll see #melia.txt

[bookofmirth]

I got rid of my pinned post because I need to rewrite it. I might keep links to my sjm posts up, idk. But I'm going to use this blog for general book stuff and whatever else floats my boat now, and not focus on sjm stuff.

I know I have a ton of asks still that are related to acotar, and I honestly don't know if I will ever get to them. Right now, I am far too angry at the fandom and tbh at sjm and her team to want to touch it with a 500-foot pole. Maybe something will change in the future, but for now, nope.

#blog things #just typing out loud #I'm beyond frustrated #and this week has been hell for me personally #like... I can't even explain #so I am extra angry #and maybe I'm projecting my anger about other things #onto this #but I think I'd be angry anyway

[so-called-quail]

'Trapped in the end!' said Sam bitterly, his anger rising again above weariness and despair. 'Gnats in a net. May the curse of Faramir bite that Gollum and bite him quick!' 'That would not help us now,' said Frodo.

Sword in hand Sam went after him. For the moment he had forgotten everything else but the red fury in his brain and the desire to kill Gollum. But before he could overtake him, Gollum was gone. Then as the dark hole stood before him and the stench came out to meet him, like a clap of thunder the thought of Frodo and the monster smote upon Sam's mind.

Now he tried to find strength to tear himself away and go on a lonely journey – for vengeance. If once he could go, his anger would bear him down all the roads of the world, pursuing, until he had him at last: Gollum. Then Gollum would die in a corner. But that was not what he had set out to do. It would not be worth while to leave his master for that. It would not bring him back. Nothing would.

Sam and vengeance in today's entry

#idk i have Thoughts about this... rambles ahead... #there's an interesting arc here with how sam approaches his feelings of vengeance in this entry #starting with the first quote. frodo's response to sam is so brief and doesn't get much time to sit with all the action going on #but i feel like it speaks volumes #at least in showcasing the different points they stand on #sam centers his resentment and feelings of revenge... he's quick to get frustrated and immediately goes for threatening gollum #meanwhile frodo is focused on getting out. he doesn't have time to nurse anger nor does he want to #it feels like he's advising sam to move past it because he knows it's futile to stay stuck in those feelings #then there's sam's fight with gollum #after days and weeks of building tension from his mistrust towards gollum... this is where the dam finally breaks #sam's been feeding into his resentment for SO LONG it's no wonder he gets into this state of blind fury towards the end #he set himself up to seek vengeance the moment he gets the opportunity #which in some way i'm sure does help him in fending off gollum... that strength had to come from somewhere #but once he's staved him off he continues to fixate that anger on gollum and forgets what he originally set out to do-- protect frodo #and then we're left with the final quote... #it isn't until sam has (perceived to have) lost everything that he is able to come to the conclusion that vengeance won't serve him #...a lesson learned a little too late?? maybe?? no?? it feels cruel to say that #i definitely do not want to take the position that sam was responsible for what happened to frodo #he was pinned in a horribly desperate situation and couldn't do much once gollum attacked #i don't think much would've changed if he hadn't had his moment of fury with chasing gollum #anyways newbie here-- i haven't read anything ahead from here so idk what character arcs await sam #but i'm interested to see if this is later built upon or acknowledged #end of rambles skdfjgkdjsfg #lotr newsletter #lotr newsletter march 13th #EDIT: I forgot to space the quotes out 😭 #not a crime but they can get confusing to read when scrunched together hrnnnn

[getvalentined]

Thinking about finally throwing all my FF7 meta analysis and lore deep dive stuff onto a sideblog. It'd be reblogged from here, but I'd be able to organize it a little better, have a directory so people could find things more easily, and maybe it'd stop people from regurgitating things I say word-for-word for brownie points when they can just find and reblog the fucking original post(s).

#fandom vent #this happens WAY more often than I talk about #like constantly #not daily #but if I put up a ramble #there will always be 2-3 people on the twits or here #who immediately start saying the same thing #in the same words #acting like they're the ones that did the analysis #and it's really frustrating #y'all know I actually do research on this shit? #I check my sources #I review the source material #I get alternate translations to be sure #I read real-life research journals for scientific stuff #I research dates and real-world events and natural phenomena and religious history etc etc etc #it's not just 'nashi writes 2k words of bullshit and hits POST' #I do actual research for my analyses and my deep dives #I cite my sources whenever possible #I don't LINK all the time because that can kick a post from the tags #but I don't just make shit up #so people grabbing it and running with it as if they were the ones that did the work to figure it out #is super disheartening #my current big research project is figuring out if Reeve's surname #is actually rooted in Gaelic #because it's such a weird name #and it's possible that it's not spelled right #because it may be Gaelic #this is a theory that has not panned out yet #but I've been researching it on and off for weeks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked #i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference #and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super #integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart #so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect #and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest #and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired? #its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears #like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked #toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun #hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's #where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab #reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever #unrelated

[passthroughtime]

i hope you don’t mind me not participating in sunday six for so long and not updating my fic... i’m having a bit rough time handling my life irl right now

#meaning i’m having the worst start of the year ever #i’m EXHAUSTED fucking exhausted from my living situation and it doesn’t seem to get better any time soon #naturally i don’t have it in me to write because i don’t have enough time to relax. it’s been three fucking weeks. #i just don’t know even my body gives up from this stress and not like something terrible is happening #it’s extremely upsetting also considering that i love writing and it’s the only activity that makes sense to me #and always has been like that it’s in my core #and i. can’t do it. i can’t. i have no willpower or strength and it’s not writer’s block i’m just SO TIRED ALL THE TIME #therapy and years of medication mean nothing at this fucking point. props to me for not killing myself tho. well done 👍 #sorry for ranting i am so frustrated that i can scream. i have actually. didn’t help. #well ahem i hope you understand 🙏 i feel bad that i’ve promised the chapter a long time ago and NOT TO BE THAT AO3 AUTHOR but #i really wanted to keep my promise. fuck me i guess #putting letters together one word at a time

[bunnihearted]

.

#it went!!! idk lately my pain treshhold has been so low bc im in pain all the time #so i just dont wnna be in pain anymore... he said that now it'll still hurt for a few days T-T #but he wasnt exactly sure what it was but i had.. a cavity?? #im not rlly sure abt the english terms for all of this but the tooth is dying lol #but instead of immediately killing it nd getting a root fill he said that we should give the tooth a chance #so he fixed what he could fix #i hate dentist treatments bc of all the air nd water nd my anxiety i need to swallow constantly #but this time i actually told them abt it nd he was very helpful sksks #he even said 'ok now take a break nd swallow' so i didnt need to be so anxious #nd it was a relief bc he wasnt bad at all. he was actually rlly nice nd easy to talk to phewww #it cost abt $80 so i can manage to be without that until next week!!!! #so yeah it went much better than i had anticipated so im happy abt that #but yeah the problem still isnt 100% fixed yet so im still not relieved #he said i had a cavity in my other tooth as well but that we needed to check that at another time #im so frustrated bc i brush my teeth 2/day i use mouthwash i floss.... #and for the last 7 months i havent even had any sugar!!!!! like why did this still happen.. o.o #oh nd he also said that i probably clench my teeth nd yeah i do that a lot more than i've realized #your teeth arent supposed to be touching!! never!! only when u eat #my teeth.... are touching pretty much all day omg. bc im so tense nd anxious #he said that he couldnt be sure bc he didnt have enough info to go on but that could have contributed to this #well well... i did it nd went even if i didnt want to #hopefully my tooth will be better now. nd i have another appt in may to see what i could get done further #if financial aid for it gets approved tho it might not #but yeah.. god dental pain nd issues is my no. 1 fear bc im poor nd i cant afford it

[hmm-ctrl]

sluggy solidarity

#this thought has been stuck in my head all week. so #they r both slug. and who am i to pass up a good oppertunity to combine my two hyperfixations? #in other news. i finALLY beat both gourmands campaign (to unlock slugpups) and spearmasters. so i FINALLY unlocked saint. #i took a break from playing for like. 2-3 weeks cuz i was frustrated #so glad i finally got to. spearmaster is freeing when your not lugging a pearl around honestly #ALSO i finally figured out that only the HOST needs to own the DLC to play jolly coop... so finally tried multiplayer lol #anyways. enough ranting from me. pleease enojoy #soeepy #brutal orchestra #rain world #rainworld #rainworld fanart #rain world fanart

[miodiodavinci]

well 😔 after literally 3+ years of masking and double masking with N95s and KN95s and social distancing and not going anywhere where i can't be assured i won't be in close proximity to someone with COVID ya boy got COVID , , , ,

#my lungs feel like absolute shit man ; ; #it's like a footballer rammed straight into my back and stood on top of my crumpled body for good measure ; ; #all because my brother still hangs out at movies and restaurants with his friends . . . . . . . . #and stupidly i was so excited to see him back after a month of being away #so we sat and watched a movie together on tuesday #and then wednesday he was like 'oh shit turns out i have covid sorry' #ogughgh . . . . . . #apparently he was feeling bad even on tuesday but he has such a history with head colds that COVID didn't even show up on our radar . . . . #i'm paying for it now though hhh ; ; #hindsight 20/20 and all that #can't stop coughing and i'm running a low grade fever #but most of all JESUS my chest hurts so much ; ; ; ; ; #it's like the agony of an asthma attack only so much more focus on the pain than the inability to breathe #i'm lucky that at most it just feels like there are rubber bands around my chest when i try to breathe deeply #but god #i'm supposed to start my internship through my college next week #this. might literally fuck me over in so many ways but hopefully my mentors will be accommodating . . . . . #in any event uhgghghgh i'm just frustrated because i've been so so careful for years and years . . . i never stopped masking . . . . . #i got the vaccine and all the boosters and yet . . . . . . . .

[stop-breaking-my-heart-dragonage]

As much fun as I'm having doing my alternative run of DA2, one thing I really miss about my mage Hawke is his friendship with Merrill.

Those two are best friends and he's 100% supportive in her goals toward the eluvian. Ed has the humorous/charming personality, too, which bounces off super well with Merrill. He doesn't think any less of her for her usage of blood magic; if anything he's impressed by her level of strength and willpower. He's so ready to defend her from the other companions and the clan, and he's absolutely out here attempting to matchmake her and Carver....at least he is in my heart because the game won't let me, it's fine, I'm not bitter about it or anything-

But then my warrior Hawke? She has the diplomatic personality with quite a bit of direct/aggressive thrown in there and she ends up having the same attitude as that one party banter Aveline and Merrill have: "Merrill, you're clearly talented and meant for great things, but you're stupid," and that's so difficult for me to lean into. I'm trying to play Aris differently so she ends up being so condescending to Merrill, like she's trying to gently tell her to give up on the eluvian but it doesn't come off well.

Also if Carver was around, Aris would be the opposite of Ed, she'd look at the suggestion of her brother and Merrill getting together and be like, "No :) I don't think so :) I like Merrill, she's my friend :) but she's not right for Carver."

But I guess it makes sense; if you told him that Bethany would giggle and kick her feet and twirl her hair around Sebastian, Ed would've thrown him in the ocean as a warning. Meanwhile, Aris is like, "A handsome prince that could take my sister away from all of this? Wonderful, we just need to work on his incorrect views on mages, but that shouldn't be a problem :)"

Anyway I miss playing Hawke as the #1 Merrill stan.

#dragon age 2 #da2 #da2 merrill #carver hawke #bethany hawke #sebastian vael #da2 hawke #edgar hawke #aris hawke #listen i'm a little weirdo i like comparing the different ways to play the heroes of da games but especially the different hawkes #i like comparing my own hawkes and i like looking at other peoples hawkes and the different relationship dynamics they bring to the table #kicks my little gremlin brain into gear #like ed always rivals aveline and their relationship is strained at best... meanwhile aris and aveline are ride or die best friends #and seeing aveline from both perspectives is....... well it's an experience i'll just say that sksksks #oh also i miss anders so much sksksk i miss his romance and the dynamic he and ed have #aris rejected him right from the start and while it's neat to see her character through an unromantic lens i still miss him and his bullshi #aris romanced isabela and *that* makes me want to bite nom nom so interesting and heartbreaking in its own way like losing leandra like tha #and then dealing with the qunari bullshit only to find out isabela's part in it before she abandons aris with the book #and then aris reunites with bethany who is bitter and pissed off and can't get away from her fast enough like........ the end of act 2 y'al #aris was *ready* for the arishok fight solely because she needed an outlet for her frustration and grief and agony #she couldn't kick his ass fast enough sksksksks and now she's so Done with everything and then isabela admits that she's in love with her #and it's just................. a lot. it's so much. i can't #anders and isabela's respective romances drive me nuts for very different reasons i love them #this has been another 'cj needs to ramble about [blank]' post #stay tuned for next week where she continues to sob about the hawke twins

[thebirdandhersong]

I remember talking to a friend last week and saying that if I'm reading obsessively it either means I'm extremely happy or extremely in need of help. alas goodreads my good pal you have GOT to be kidding me

#i have hit 60 books this year. we are three days into april. i have not been at the pinnacle of happiness this year so it is not that lol #ah well we hit rock bottom we bounce back up! i am trying to claw my way to the surface again! #granted this has been a series of not great distracting tactics to get my mind off the Horrors (i.e. through the mass consumption of #stories in book and film form) but at least i'm recognising and acknowledging it now #i need to actually deal with the Horrors so that there's a chance they'll actually go away! #but i am glad that i HAVE been surrounded by good stories. it has helped. it has been a method of conflict avoidance #in all areas of my life but it HAS helped to have those stories of hope hammered into my head and heart #anyway it looks like i HAVE lost a friend or am very close to losing one because it has been 1.5 weeks and there has been zero response #and there's a ton of Decisions i have to sort through this week #along with other mental health assessments my GP wants me to do #but God is good and He has been very patient with all the bouts of despair and loneliness and frustration etc etc #i just need to keep holding on and keep clawing my way upwards #despite all my failures as a friend and student and probably as a daughter as well this year there has been a lot of grace #and i am trying not to dwell on the past #slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in year 21

[doriansbutt]

y’all some people really have some balls. or just a…misunderstanding of places that require appointments.

man: when’s ur next opening for 5 people

me: uh what service are you looking for?

man: foot and body massage?

me: *guides him to website with our menu of services, proceeds to spend 5 minutes asking for any more gd clarification which proves mostly useless*

me: okay the next time I have 5 therapists available at the same time is….January 30th—

man: oh no I meant for today!

me: HAHAHA no we’re completely booked today??? I don’t even have 5 therapists working today?????

man: what?? damn *hangs up*

#what on earth were you expecting???? #you want 5 full body massages last minute??? #absolutely not gonna happen?????? #this is worse than last week when a lady demanded I put her down for a 90 min massage in an hour #‘yeah put me down for 90 mins at 11’ #me: ….im sorry? #lady: repeats herself #me: ….like….today? #lady. frustrated: yes! #me: we’re totally booked today and even tomorrow…. #lady: what?? ugh I knew this would happen I’ll just call again 😤 #bitch what u don’t get to talk to me like that #so far 2024 has been full of people DEMANDING I make room for them #very rudely #this has not been the case in the 6 months I’ve been here #old ppl in 2024 really said ‘this year is all about ME’ #sorry I’m just still in awe of this fucking guy today #gotta rant abt it