#this really is the condense version!!! i swear it!!! i just. apparently cannot stop talking about Auri. i really do love her sm

[zeleniafic]

I don't know much Auriga, and that is a travesty cause I love hp ocs. Please tell me more about her so we can fix that!

I’ve never posted about her before!! Auriga has existed in word docs and emails and notes for several years but I’ve never posted anything about her/her fic. She’s very dear to my heart and it’s like... weirdly difficult to throw info about her up here now after just working on it in private for so long?!

Warning that this is INSANELY long even though I tried to condense it, I am so sorry lmao. Auriga means so much to me and I have a LOT of stuff for her from over the years... this really is the “short” version LOL

So anyway... Auriga is Sirius’ twin. She spawned out of a desire to explore the Black family dynamics, and have a character that is not so polarized as Sirius... and, in some characterizations, Regulus too. The story does address Sirius’ darker side (like, say, sending a schoolyard nemesis to potentially get eaten by a werewolf?! bro.......) but for the majority Auriga is the shade of gray in the middle of the brothers, in a sense. She never strays toward Voldemort like Regulus did at first, but she is not as stereotypically “good” as Sirius, as far as the general consensus of the wizarding world is concerned. The “light v dark” / “good v evil” system being SO SO RIGID in HP is something I passionately hate and I consistently reject it in my writings, even with more lighthearted characters. Auriga, in essence, was created directly because of that. She is not a “light” witch nor is she a “dark” witch, and in fact, she rejects that entire dichotomy as I also usually do. She’s just... Auriga. Not a goody two shoes Order member who won’t aim to kill if she needs to, but also not a murdering bigot like the Death Eaters.

Unfortunately, her willingness to get her hands dirty without remorse puts her at odds with the Order more often than not, while her refusal to follow Voldemort makes her a target. She very much gets stuck as a lone wolf figure, which... she kind of always was, tbh. She was very close with both Sirius and Regulus growing up, but the older they get the more fractured it is - she is always stuck in the middle of their fighting or unspoken tension at home, and her being sorted into Slytherin distances her from Sirius. She so desperately wants them to stop fighting and for the three of them to be a united front again the way they were as children, but it just never happens. As soon as Sirius is sorted, there’s a fault line between the brothers and she is left straddling the divide trying not to fall. Regulus’ death is something that fractures her as a person, and she sees it as her greatest failure in life that she could not save him. There is also some other stuff going on in her life, and some decisions she made with lasting repercussions, that make her feel like it is her fault he ended up where he did.

Auriga is... kind of repressed, tbh? The way she was raised, she’s just really emotionally stunted. Sirius and Regulus are too but it displays a bit differently for each of them, and for her it’s being the perfect pureblood princess and having trouble displaying her “improper” emotions or having agency for herself beyond the family’s uses and expectations for her as a daughter.

To be frank, I think her fic is the darkest and grimmest of any of my WIPs. It’s just a very ADULT story, in terms of the themes that play a big role in it and the difficult subjects it tackles, if that makes sense? It looks at a lot of aspects of pureblood culture that are just footnotes in canon, and it builds from there. Walburga and Orion’s parenting being directly abusive in several ways, and the psychological/emotional aspect of growing up in the culture and household that the Black kids did. It grapples with the commonly accepted sense of morality, and how it gets murky in wartimes. And it also tackles the patriarchal elements of pureblood society - betrothals, arranged or even FORCED marriages, and the potential lack of agency/lack of consent for witches in particular that stems from a blood/lineage/name obsessed culture. One of the rifts that forms between Auriga and Sirius as they get older is that he does NOT understand what it is like to be a pureblood witch from a family like theirs, and how different it is from his lot. They can commiserate about their family and their upbringing, but so much of his freedoms are not available to her. When he runs away to the Potters’ and she refuses to go with him, unwilling to abandon Regulus, this comes to a head. Walburga is furious about Sirius of course, and this is shown by how much more controlling she is over the two remaining children - Regulus being pushed toward Voldemort, and Auriga being pushed into a betrothal she was diplomatically resisting beforehand. This is a whoooooole fiasco and plotline that deals with forced marriages, lack of consent, and mental manipulation/use of mind-altering magic in order to trap Auriga into the marriage.

After escaping this, she’s... pretty traumatized, understandably. She changes fundamentally as a character after this, becoming less stoic and composed “pureblood heiress” and instead lets out all the anger that’s been collecting inside her all this time. She leaves the family after she’s mentally coherent again, in a pretty theatrical way, but she is VERY angry with Sirius and - illogical or not - she throws a lot of blame his way for what happened to her, so she refuses to show up at the Potters and instead makes her own way. This is a BIG fracturing moment for the siblings.

A lot of her seventh year is dealing with the repercussions of that forced marriage, both physically and mentally. She’s in a really bad place when the year starts. The silver lining is, she 100% gets her revenge on the fiance AND on Walburga for what they did to her, and eventually she starts to be more of herself - her true self, the one she was hiding behind the mask all those years. She finally is able to pursue the relationship between herself and Remus, which had been building for years but which she consistently denied because she was afraid to make him a target of her family. By the end of the seventh year, she has completely the family off and they are in a relationship.

The golden few years here in the middle, ironically, take place during a war. She has mostly patched things up with Sirius, and she and Remus are dating and sickeningly happy, she’s got true friends for the first time in her life. Things are really good on a personal level, even as they are fighting a war.

Unfortunately, things fall apart again. After Peter’s betrayal and Sirius’ framing, she has a falling out with Remus over his believing the story. Despite all the issues between herself and Sirius, she never EVER doubts his innocence. EVER. She completely cuts Remus off when he starts believing it, and the both of them are spiraling after that. This is worsened by the fact that shortly later she is wanted as a supposed accomplice of Sirius and has to go on the run. It’s not surprising - she was the Slytherin, she was always darker than him, she’d committed lesser crimes or toed the line of what the Ministry approves of... if they named Sirius Black, infamously defiant of his family and a loud and proud Gryffindor, as a Death Eater... it’s a lot easier to make the leap that she was one too. The public wholeheartedly accepts it and she is hated intensely, and is forever on the run after that. By the time it gets to Harry’s time, she’s a pretty dangerous character, even more so than before. She and Sirius reunite, and eventually she and Remus patch things up. There are some lasting complications from earlier plotlines I won’t delve into right now, and tbh their ending is... pretty fucking depressing?! They don’t ride off into the sunset in any way shape or form. But they do get closure, and they do find their own kind of peace before the end. And I think it suits them, and the story, in the end. Auriga’s story was never intended to be a fix-it fic or even really address major HP canon lot elements, it’s very much just about HER as an individual and the different dynamics of what it means to be someone like her in that culture, society, and world.

So basically I’m really mean to Auri but writing about and really diving into difficult topics through her POV is really cathartic for me for various personal reasons and despite her entire life being a FUCKING TRAGEDY, she’s been around for a long time for me and I love her so much and she means a lot to me!! :’)

#this really is the condense version!!! i swear it!!! i just. apparently cannot stop talking about Auri. i really do love her sm #fd: harry potter #ask game #mine #ch: auriga black #a-song-of-quill-and-feather #answered

[hollygoeslightly]

Sanditon: The Sense & Sensibility Connection

@fortunatelylori​ and I first started talking way back during the incredibly long wait for the final season of Game of Thrones, when we were still sweet summer children and far less bitter than we are today. After GOT broke our hearts clean in two, we decided we needed to find a new shared obsession. We made our way through a few shows – some of them great (Narcos) and some of them just okay (The Discovery of Witches) – until one day a very attractive, very wet and very naked Theo James appeared on my dash. I sent @fortunatelylori​ the GIF set with the question, “so when did Theo James get this hot?” and she made the very smart decision that Sanditon would be our next watch.

Expecting a fun, easy, paint-by-numbers Jane Austen adaption, we were both incredibly surprised to find that not only is Sanditon grittier than other period dramas, but it also has fascinating and complex characters, interesting writing choices and is overall, a show that we both genuinely really love. It also happens to be a show that we both have a lot to say about.

If you’ve read @fortunatelylori​‘s metas before, then you know you’re in for a treat. If you haven’t, prepare yourself for just how disgustingly good she is at analysing and understanding TV – she’s our fandom’s Meta Queen after all. We’ve been wanting to do a meta collab for quite a while now and it turns out a naked Theo James ended up providing the perfect opportunity. Who knew?

So, with that in mind, here is our first attempt at a meta collab. Which is really just a condensed version of our conversations – minus the swearing, animal pics and Theo James’ bare arse.

* * *

It’s no surprise to anyone, at this point, that Andrew Davies wears his Austen influences on his sleeve in Sanditon. You can find easter eggs for most of Austen’s work, from the famous Pride and Prejudice to the obscure Lady Susan.

However, Sense and Sensibility seems to be one work that hasn’t insipired much comparison from the fandom. And it’s perhaps for that reason that Sandion’s last two episodes were so hard to digest and why so many question marks were raised in regards to Charlotte’s characterization.

In this project we aim to dispel some of that confusion and attempt to put into prespective the character arcs of both Sidney and Charlotte in:

Sidlotte: A parallel journey between Sense and Sensibility by @fortunatelylori​

As well as delve deeper into Charlotte’s POV through out the season finale in:

Charlotte Heywood: From Sensibility to Sense by @and-holly-goes-lightly​

Charlotte Heywood: From Sensibility to Sense

It is easy to dismiss Charlotte Heywood as simply another stereotypical plucky period drama heroine. At first glance, Charlotte appears to be cut from the same cloth as other Austen protagonists Elizabeth Bennett and Emma Woodhouse – strong willed, outspoken, inquisitive and incredibly charming. While Charlotte certainly does exhibit a number of personality traits borrowed from other Austen protagonists – this is Andrew Davies love letter to Austen after all – it would be a mistake to think that Charlotte isn’t a complex and interesting character all of her own. Charlotte’s character development may be far more understated than Sidney’s and not as all-encompassing as Esther’s, but her coming-of-age story is vital in driving the narrative and laying the ground work for S2 (if and when that happens).

I have spoken previously about the beginning of Charlotte’s character development here, as 1x07 presented a noticeable change in Charlotte’s behaviour. Charlotte began the series as a true romantic who wore her heart on her sleeve and had total confidence in her judgement and beliefs – overall, she tended to err more on the side of sensibility than sense. However, by the beginning of 1x07, Charlotte is noticeably reticent and emotionally guarded, struck by the knowledge that she is both in love with Sidney and that her once unguarded heart is now very much at risk. Despite Sidney’s declaration of love at the end of the episode (“I believe I am my best self, my truest self, when I’m with you”), 1x08 opens with an introspective Charlotte. When discussing Sidney with Georgiana, Charlotte appears blissfully in love, but noticeably anxious about what Sidney’s declaration means.

Charlotte - “We spoke after the regatta and he said he felt his truest self when he was with me.”

Georgiana - “Why would he say that?”

Charlotte - “I’ve been asking myself the same question. I couldn’t sleep last night for thinking on it.”

By the time the credits roll on the season finale, Charlotte’s character development is very much underway, with 1x08 setting the framework for exploring a Charlotte no longer ruled by sensibility, but by sense (Davies, there better be a S2 or so help me God *shakes fist at sky*).

However, before I discuss just how Charlotte’s character development plays out in 1x08, let’s go back to the beginning of the series and Charlotte’s arrival in Sanditon. I’ve talked quite a bit about Sidney’s instant attraction to Charlotte and how his feelings for her influence their interactions (for better or worse), but I’ve yet to explore the beginnings of Charlotte’s feelings for Sidney and how those feelings tie into Charlotte’s character growth. While Sidney and Charlotte’s first meeting in 1x01 is defined by just how badly it went (“new maid?”), this isn’t Charlotte’s first introduction to Sidney. Charlotte is first introduced to Sidney – well, a poor artistic rendering of him at least – upon her arrival at Trafalgar House. Taking in Tom’s truly ostentatious design choices, Charlotte stops in front of a large portrait of Sidney, which takes pride of place in the Parker’s entryway. It is apparent that Charlotte’s curiosity is immediately piqued by the rather imposing work, curiosity that is further increased by Tom’s unhelpful description of his enigmatic younger brother.

“He’s a man of affairs, a man of business – importing, exporting – he’s here, there and everywhere.”

Charlotte is as instantly attracted to Sidney as Sidney is to her upon their first meeting on the clifftops. However, while Sidney’s attraction to Charlotte is driven by her honesty, implicit kindness and strength of character, Charlotte’s initial curiosity and attraction to Sidney lays with his status an outlier and her inability to understand his intentions (as well as the fact that he is, without question, a total babe). As @fortunatelylori points out, Charlotte thrives on honesty (and sometimes just the appearance of honesty), and is immediately cautious of those who, like Sidney, keep their cards close to their chest. Despite catching glimpses of Sidney at his best and truest self, in attempting to understand his motivations, Charlotte often misconstrues his emotional disconnect as dishonesty. She cannot reconcile the loyal, kind and charming man she is attracted to with the prejudiced, withholding and taciturn man she assumes his behaviour indicates. When Charlotte’s father warned her that people in Sanditon may not be as they appear, Charlotte was on the lookout for a wolf in sheep’s clothing (notice her changing opinion on Edward and Clara, for example). She had not accounted for the opposite – that Sidney’s brusqueness was well crafted armour developed as a result of trauma.

Following Georgiana’s kidnap and eventual rescue in London, Charlotte wrestles with the knowledge that her tendency towards sensibility and her belief that emotional vulnerability equals honesty, has blinded her to Otis’ true nature and has caused her to make inaccurate assumptions about Sidney’s motivations.  

“I hardly know what to think anymore… about anything. I’ve always felt so certain of my judgement and now I see I’ve been blinded by sentiment and naivety. I’ve got it all so wrong. No wonder your brother has such a poor opinion of me.”

By the time Sidney asks her to dance at the masquerade ball in London at the end of 1x06, Charlotte’s whole world has undergone a seismic shift. Her experience with Sidney and Otis has shown that she must recalibrate her world view. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is an overwhelming undertaking. Charlotte’s past confidence in her judgement stems from her usually good ability to read people – her biggest mistake was not misunderstanding Sidney and Otis’ motivations, but not accounting for how trauma can shape someone’s world view (in fairness, this is not something Charlotte could understand until she experienced it herself) and assuming everyone, like her, comes from a place of good intentions. These are valuable, but hard lessons to learn and unfortunately for Charlotte, these lessons are quickly followed by the realisation that she is in love with Sidney, as well as Eliza’s sudden reappearance. Taking all this into account, it’s easy to see why Charlotte spends 1x07 introspective and emotionally guarded.

Therefore, it comes as no surprise that Davies’ chooses to open 1x08 with multiple shots of Charlotte walking alone along the beach deep in thought. Not only has Charlotte wrestled with her feelings for Sidney, but she spent the previous day (1x07) convinced that Sidney did not return her feelings due to the apparent reestablishment of his relationship with Eliza, as well as feeling as though she has been found lacking in comparison to the elegant, cultured and incredibly wealthy other woman. I know many people have attributed Charlotte’s noticeable reservation in 1x08 as passivity in the face of her developing relationship with Sidney. However, I don’t believe that is the case, merely that at this point in Charlotte’s character development she has made the terrifying realisation that giving power over your heart to someone you love leaves you incredibly vulnerable to heartache. After all, Sidney’s abandonment of Charlotte for Eliza at the masquerade ball at the end of 1x06, gave her a small lesson in just how painful love can be. As a result, the Charlotte that meets Sidney’s eyes across Sanditon’s completed streets at the beginning of 1x08, is one of sense over sensibility – hopeful in her love for Sidney and anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This is reinforced by her scene with Georgiana prior to the midsummer ball. Strip away the regency set design and costuming, and this scene could be easily transplanted to any modern romantic comedy – our young heroine confiding in her friend about her developing love for the male hero. Sounds familiar, right?

“You judge Sidney too harshly. Consider the kindness he has shown Otis. I believe he has a tenderness that few people get to see.”

Unfortunately for Charlotte, her friend is too distracted by her own romantic woes to understand just how important it is that she be a good friend to Charlotte in this moment. Charlotte is seeking two things from Georgiana during their discussion. Firstly, she desperately wants to share the joy of falling in love for the first time with her friend. Secondly, when Charlotte reveals that Sidney confessed he was his best and truest self with her, she is hoping for validation. Because of course Sidney would feel his best and truest self with Charlotte, right? She may be a farmer’s daughter, but she is also intelligent, outspoken, determined and unfailingly kind, so how could he not? Instead, Georgiana responds with, “why would he say that?”. Rose Williams does such a beautiful job here, because Charlotte’s hurt and disappointment is so clearly etched across her face. What Charlotte desperately needed in that moment was a friend to ease her doubts, and unfortunately Georgiana is too wrapped up in her own heartache and anger to be that for her.

Charlotte ends her discussion with Georgiana with as little reassurance and clarity as she began it. She is desperate to believe that Sidney returns her feelings, but her whole world view has just been called into question and on top of that, she spent the day before on the receiving end of Sidney’s mixed messages and Eliza’s pointed remarks. And here is where I think the argument for Charlotte’s passivity falls apart, and should be instead seen as a (eventually thwarted) step in Charlotte’s character development towards a balance between sense and sensibility. Passiveness suggests inaction, and Charlotte chooses to act – she asks Sidney whether she can join him on his walk into town. This may seem inconsequential, but it is anything but. Because Charlotte is not only choosing to trust in her feelings for Sidney and in his feelings for her, but she is telling Sidney his feelings are reciprocated and those feelings are strong enough that they need time alone to discuss their possible future together.

Now, I don’t have to tell you the scene of Sidney and Charlotte walking across the clifftops left me in a swooning heap like every silent film actress worth their salt. I think that was the collective fandom response. However, I do want to discuss the intricacies at play in Sidney and Charlotte’s interaction, because I have seen it misconstrued as passiveness, when really the agency lies with Charlotte the whole time. We began with the scene with a rather inane discussion about the weather and Charlotte’s family (Sidney’s eye roll of self-disgust at his poor conversational skills is everything) – Sidney is both desperate to discuss their conversation from the previous night, but patiently waiting for Charlotte to indicate that this is something she wishes to do. She does, telling him she would rather continue their walk together than return to town for her dress fitting.

Charlotte – “We seem not to be walking into town?”

Sidney – “Ah, yes, your dress fitting. Forgive me, what a fool I am. Should we head back, perhaps?”

Charlotte – “No, there is absolutely no urgency about my dress fitting. A walk along the clifftops is much more to my taste.”

Sidney – “Good. My thoughts exactly.”

Sidney is willing to end their walk and the possibility of discussing their feelings at the slightest hint that this may not be something Charlotte desires. However, following Charlotte’s lead, Sidney admits that he wished to find time alone with her to discuss their conversation while glancing at her mouth every five seconds, and of course (because really, who could say no to Theo James?) they kiss. What is important to note is that Sidney continues to check in with Charlotte at every point in the lead up to that moment. Charlotte only had to say no or ask to return to town for Sidney not to proceed, something she is well aware of and actively chooses not to do. Responding positively to Sidney’s actions is not the same as passiveness. You only have to watch as Charlotte stares longing at Sidney to know that she desired the kiss just as much as he did.

Which leads us to Sidney’s almost marriage proposal at the midsummer ball and the closest Charlotte and Sidney come to meeting in the middle of their respective character arcs, between sense and sensibility. While Charlotte is still prone to introspection, asking Mary how she knew that Tom was right man for her (hey Mary, I think we’d all like to know the answer to that one), she has regained some of her confidence back, no doubt buoyed by the confirmation that Sidney returns her feelings and wishes to create a life with her. Charlotte’s agency in pursuing a romantic relationship with Sidney is once again highlighted during her conversation with Young Stringer.

Young Stringer – “So, you have found a reason to stay?”

Charlotte – “Yes, I believe I have.”

When Charlotte chooses to seek Sidney out, she is actively choosing to place faith in her judgement and in Sidney. Both Charlotte and Sidney are hesitant, terrified of being hurt for very different reasons, yet they are willing to risk their hearts for a chance at a life together. Which is why Edward’s interruption and the fallout from the fire is so heartbreaking, because not only do we see a return of Charlotte’s doubts, but Sidney and Charlotte are never again as close to coming together as they were in that moment.

There is no doubt that Charlotte’s misgivings about Sidney’s love for her are somewhat well founded. Rooted in the uncertainty of the failed proposal and her insecurity regarding Eliza, Charlotte’s doubts are mostly due to her belief that the other shoe is sure to drop, because why would Sidney Parker ever wish to marry her, a farmer’s daughter? The reason Charlotte is so hurt by Eliza’s snide comment about her marriage prospects in 1x07 isn’t because she cares what Eliza thinks of her, but because she’s terrified Sidney, the person whose good opinion she values the most, may think her unsuitable. Her letter to her sister written while Sidney is returning from London is evidence of this insecurity – insecurity that is unintentionally stoked by Sidney’s mixed messages and Eliza’s sharp tongue in 1x07.

“Oh Alison, it’s possible that my future too could depend on Sidney’s swift return. I wish I could tell you more, but it may be very soon that I have exciting news to share.”

Even knowing that Sidney was interrupted during his proposal of marriage, despite his assurances that he will once again make an offer when he returns from London, Charlotte can still not allow herself to completely believe that Sidney wishes to marry her. When Sidney tells her he can no longer make her an offer of marriage, because he has engaged himself to Eliza in exchange for her funding Sanditon’s rebuild, Charlotte’s worst fears come true. Charlotte has been found wanting and her dream of marrying Sidney was only ever that, a dream.

When Charlotte and Sidney meet again at Lord Babington and Esther’s wedding, Charlotte has transformed from sensibility to sense and fully assumed her role as Sanditon’s Elinor Dashwood – emotionally guarded and reserved in the face of heartbreak and disappointed hopes. Their conversation is painful to watch – Sidney holding himself back from enquiring how Charlotte truly is and Charlotte assuming the picture of detached politeness.

Sidney – “How do you do Miss Heywood?”

Charlotte – “Very well, thank you.”

Sidney – “And your family, are they well?”

Charlotte – “Very well.”

Sidney – “Ah.”

Charlotte – “How are your own wedding preparations?”

Sidney – “Elaborate.”

In the face of Sidney’s clear regret and Eliza’s pointed comment about, “simple country weddings” (another dig at Charlotte’s marriageability), Charlotte remains guarded, her mask firmly in place. Even when Young Stringer questions her about Sidney’s engagement to Eliza, Charlotte’s armour of good manners does not break.

Young Stringer – “I gather Mr Sidney Parker is engaged?”

Charlotte – “Yes. I wish them both every happiness.”

Sidney – “She’s not half the woman you are Charlotte. If he can’t see that he doesn’t deserve you.”

Charlotte – “Thank you Mr Stringer.”        

By the time that Sidney stops Charlotte’s carriage on the clifftops as she leaves Sanditon, Charlotte’s character development has reached its ultimate end for the season. Transformed from an outspoken, determined young woman who wore her heart on her sleeve and believed marriage without love was, “a form of slavery”, Charlotte has now traded places with Sidney, carefully guarding her bruised and battered heart and becoming emotionally withdrawn from those around her. When Sidney approaches the carriage to speak to Charlotte, you can see the hope bloom across her face. For the briefest of moments, Charlotte allows herself to believe that Sidney has come to declare his love and prevent her from leaving Sanditon. Therefore it is incredibly heartbreaking to watch as Charlotte realises this isn’t the case and she schools her face one again into a mask of controlled politeness. In truth, Charlotte is barely keeping herself together – like Elinor she is a moment away from breaking apart. Because despite her heartache, Charlotte is still desperately in love with the man who caused it. What’s more, she understands why Sidney made the decision he did – an impossible decision in impossible circumstances. It would almost be easier for Charlotte to hate him. Even now as he seeks absolution while planning to marry another woman, she can’t help but want him to be happy.

Sidney – “Tell me you don’t think too badly of me.”

Charlotte – “I don’t think badly of you.”

Sidney – “I don’t love her, you know.”

Charlotte – “You must not speak like that. She loves you and you have agreed to marry her. You must try and make her happy.”

When Sidney tells Charlotte that he is not in love with Eliza, what he is really saying is that he is in love with her. But for this new Charlotte, it is all too painful to hear and she stops him before he declares his love. As Elinor so neatly declared in Sense and Sensibility, “to wish is to hope, and to hope is to expect,” and Charlotte cannot afford to wish that Sidney was still hers. It’s fitting then, that when Charlotte once again begins her journey home to Willingden she does not look back. A woman of sense has no place for such sensibility after all.

#sanditonmetacollab #sanditon meta #sanditon #sense and sensibility #jane austen #andrew davies #charlotte heywood #sidney parker #rose williams #theo james #mine

[gabbying]

World Mental Health Day.

I was twelve years old when my mother first decided there was something wrong with me. She was sitting on my bed after I had showered one night; the first time she had seen scars on my arms, and she had found a knife I had stolen from the kitchen, that she had not even realised had been misplaced. With tears in her eyes, she asked me why I was doing this, and without feeling much of anything, I looked back at her and told her I wanted to feel something more painful than losing my Grandfather.

That had happened when I was nine years old, and when a year later I still found myself grieving, I was taken to a doctor, who spoke exclusively to my mother, and only asked me if my Grandfather had sexually abused me. Not if I had been practically raised by him, or that in the short nine years I had had with him we had more good memories than I have with my own father at twenty-five; when my mother was brought back into the room, the doctor said I was suffered with ‘The D Word’, but due to not being a teenager, they did not want to diagnose me, officially.

I spent years talking about my issues; but speaking only about my issues. About my family breaking down slowly, about how my brother would beat me up, about how my mother and father would barely acknowledge me, mock me for my interests. The issue with speaking about your issues is that they will always come back, and by the end of each six weeks I was given in counselling, I would experience these exact same issues. And when my mother forced me to the same doctor, and I would say I wanted to see someone to teach me how to cope with these feelings, I would be sent straight back to the same counsellor, who would not listen when I said I needed to be taught coping mechanisms, and I was stuck in a vicious cycle, being too young apparently to make my own choices, and to not what was good for myself.

When I was midway through my thirteenth year, I was forced back to the doctor, who was confused as to why speaking to someone was not working. Although I said I wanted to be taught how to cope, he gave me my diagnosis of ‘The D Word’, and even though I explicitly said I did not want it, I was put on anti-depressants. Actually, over the next few years I was put on multiple.

·         One made me throw up, without fail, an hour after I had taken the tablet. When I told my mother, she told me to not be stupid, the doctor told her that it doesn’t have that side effect, although upon reading the leaflet, there it was written. Nausea and vomiting, a common side effect.

·         One made my mouth feel like cotton, not the worst side effect, and it was one of those that after taking it for a while, it would go away, I was told. Yet months later, I was still drinking about a litre an hour, and was still complaining about an unquenchable thirst, causing me to have to be tested for diabetes, despite telling the doctors of my medication.

·         One made me lose my appetite completely, I could not even bring myself to drink, to the point that when I had my period, I was passing out. My mother told me this would be a good thing for me, as I did need to lose weight after all! I was constantly tired, which went well with my inability to sleep.

·         One made me lose days completely. I felt like a zombie, I would show up to work for my shifts to be told I had done that shift, four days prior, and I could swear that it was the correct day. I could not remember if I had bathed myself, brushed my teeth… I could not remember anything. I only had slight breaks of clarity in a cloud of ‘what the fuck is happening to me’.

I went to the doctor in my second year of university, the first time I had willingly taken myself to a professional, to say I was struggling to cope, and I needed help learning techniques. I told him an example, that our washing machine had broken, and I was so mad at the world, I could not stop crying, and had an overwhelming urge to hurt myself. He laughed me out the door, saying I cannot be depressed because of a washing machine, that was just absurd, and I did not know what depression really was.

I attempted suicide for the first time a few weeks later; I was in an abusive relationship, and felt like I truly had no right to feel the way I did. And I just wanted a fresh start.

The hospital forced me to see a doctor at the same surgery, and I begged them to let me see someone to teach me how to cope, and they again forced me onto anti-depressants, with a handful of workbooks to teach myself to cope. I did not have the motivation to drag myself to seminars and lectures that I was paying nine thousand pounds for, so why would they think I would sit and read these pages upon pages on what depression is? I did not go to any follow-up appointments they had made, and I do not know why I was so shocked when no one chased me. I knew I was not worth anyone’s time to make sure I was okay.

I got my degree without trying. I got into a loving relationship with my now fiancé, and everyone still seemed shocked when I expressed my feelings of hopelessness, of not wanting to live. I told this to him, and at multiple points trying to break up with him because I always saw my life ending early, and through my own hand; he refused, saying he would do everything in his power to ensure that was not the case. For a while, he tried to plan for the future, and I never would reciprocate, because I just did not see a future for my own life.

He helped convince me that I should seek help, through a mental health service, and for the first time someone listened to me, for the first time I felt like I may just be cured of the Big Black Dog that curled around me, and that had become a part of me; but when I told a worker that I had dark thoughts, she told me I could not have, otherwise I would have acted upon it. She was right, I suppose, maybe I was making things up for attention. Even so, I got through to a service that would teach me ways of coping with my dark thoughts; until they without a warning took me off their system, and I have spent a year and a half trying to get back on with no luck.

For half of my life I have had depression, and more recently anxiety. It is a part of me, whether I like it or not, it’s a part of the way my brain is made up, and it is very unlikely I will ever be without it. I have accepted it, honestly; my fiancé has accepted that there are days where I need to be alone, and days where I cannot be left alone. I relapse, and I still self-harm, but the time it takes me to pick myself up from these episodes is shortening significantly.

I live in a country with an amazing healthcare system, one where everyone pays into it, and everyone can get something out of it, and unfortunately it has always been stretched to breaking point, and sometimes people (like me) fall through the cracks. It is no ones fault, except maybe mine for not fighting hard enough for the help I feel I need. I got diagnosed with mental health issues at a weird point in time, just before mental health became a big talking point and during the time there was a massive stigma about talking about depression. It used to be a deep, dark secret, however it is no longer something I keep quiet about. Sometimes I make jokes about it, and help others around me to not be ashamed about what they go through. I was diagnosed at a time where my mother thought that depression was just feeling down, something that nine out of ten people would grow out of, and at a time where my symptoms would frustrate her.

This is an extremely short, extremely condensed version of my story. But even though the healthcare system has failed me, I am still here. And today, I saw a glimpse of getting better, in choosing a venue for my wedding reception in two years time. Two years. Thirteen year old me, sitting in a doctors office, would never have dreamed of imagining planning anything two years in advance. She never would have imagined that all over her social media, people were opening up in a day called ‘World Mental Health Day’. People she went to school with opening up, speaking about how they were suffering at the exact same time; although they had different stories, the feelings and sentiments were exactly the same.

I’m not better. Not by a long shot. One day I will find a healthcare professional to help me find ways to cope when the world is dark. But for now, I’m here. I’m in a world where I can speak about this openly. And for now, that’s a fantastic feat.

#personal #depression #world mental health day #anxiety #long post