#this really is how you learn and grow

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Get Their Ass.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #jin ling #jin chan #Yeah that's right. This guy is a named character. All those nameless disciples in the yi city arc and *this* guy gets a name. #Jin ling finally gets his much needed outfit upgrade! Rest in peace double straps. #I adore how we get to keep learning about Jin Ling and peeling back the layers on him...It's also so sad to see him so alone and friendless #especially knowing he really was starting to build peer friendships in the yi city arc... #Jin ling really is one of my top 5 characters in MDZS and its absolutely in part because of how you can *see* how he ended up this way #and we watch him learn and grow! He's doing what most adults refuse to do: Consider that his opinions are skewed and need to change. #You are NOT immune to propaganda and I adore characters who reflect and struggle with that! #Just because someone with assumed authority says something that fits into what you want to be true does not make it true B*/ #In this series about rumours and warped perspectives - Jin Ling is a great example of how hard you have to work for the truth #+1 points of friendship with jin ling: He will self correct himself if he says a slur now

[elodieunderglass]

I’m glad to be included in gender, and it’s an honor to trans your gender, but gender is astrology to me. “Girl sun boy moon.” You don’t agree, but now you get me better. Send post

#super super fun and everyone likes to look themselves up #but we made it all up yeah? #it’s like holidays yeah? #and then you learn more about (being very serious here) #there are living cultural practices that take astrology very seriously #and set up aspects of real world material oppression around your birth chart #(I was educated by a good friend on how astrology is handled in other cultures than my own) #which is also like gender: all in good fun until you realize people are taking it so seriously #that little kids are growing up in unconscionable circumstances #because their parents have decided who they are based on various external quirks like stars and colors #rather than the kid showing who they are through their heart. #so it’s all in good fun except when it isn’t. #but once again going back to the all in good fun part #it really is so sensible to say girl sun boy moon. #you can feel this #you get me!!! #it explains so much

[poetrysmackdown]

I'm hater but I just don't believe How to Be A Dog is that good, I hope jakey dies.

yeah no feel free to sow your hater oats. that's what this competition is for

#ask #not a poll #i exalt the hater #some of my most formative moments in english classes growing up were when i really disliked something #you can imagine how much of a joy i was to have in class #teachers often did not like me. especially men #but you've gotta learn your taste for yourself. and you've gotta know how to defend that taste if not to others then to yourself #and if you don't do that then you've got no path for quality reading once you leave the school environment #i admit i've been rather more diplomatic as the author of this competition than i might have been as a voter haha. but i'm fine with that

[lunarkittenn]

I rarely take pictures anymore. It’s like I just don’t want to remember any moment from this part of my life lol

#me #mine #girls with tattoos #myself #girls with glasses #girls with piercings #fairy aesthetic #fairycore #you know I come on here or I look through Snapchat memories #and even at my saddest I did not know or understand real pain #now that I do I feel so different #so old and so worn out #I feel like all the color has drained from my being #I’m not even a person anymore #I have horrid ptsd now #the only way I can really hangout with my dad is to play iPhone chess bc he’s sitting in a fucking hospital bed #oh god it all hurts so bad to think about #it makes me want to throw up #I miss who I was three years ago before all the pain #how does someone even come back from all of this #how do I see the things I’ve seen and lose what’s I’ve lost and move on to live a normal life #I had seemed to learn every life lesson the hard way and always fall in love with the wrong ppl #I had a very tough time loving myself which is still true #but that was all stuff like I could live with and grow from #this is just a deep set pain idk

[milimeters-morales]

I don’t really have the right words but i like the idea of Hobie doing quick checks for people’s safety without even really moving too much, as both a skill learned from his childhood and just a way he would be anyway. Like let’s say Gwen is calling him and she’s crying but sounds very detached. Hobie’s gonna do a quick mental checklist like this: (Injured? -> Alone? -> Aware? -> Show up -> distract as hiding weapons -> calm her -> check speech -> move location? -> check for injury) and it gets more complex as need be. He’d do this with all his friends and the people he helps in general, and it’s a quick and barely noticeable process unless he tells you he’s even doing that, which he usually doesn’t. I also like to think he was kind of doing this when he was talking to Miles on the way to meet Miguel, just very toned down (for him).

#like. you know how people keep you talking to keep you distracted and your body ends up giving away a ton of info like that #miles has a nurse mom and is so nursebug to me. so he can also do this but purely medical not mental health really besides do u wanna talk? #so he can pick up on what hobie’s doing sometimes #but yeah hobie does this whenever he thinks his friends are in serious danger of hurting themselves #and i think growing up the way he did (in the comics) really. made this urge to protect and check stronger but he keeps it leashed. which #is such an unhobie thing to do but there’s a fine line between control/not trusting and concern for wellbeing yknow #and he sees leashing the habit as the lesser of two evils really #anyway i realize how autistic this kinda looks. i was actually trying to achieve the opposite but yknow how it is with me #wait wait to clarify i don’t think miles is bad with helping with mental health i think he is just not as experienced/good at it as Hobie+ #might be in his sorta cold hard truth learn to live with me way #hobie brown #spiderpunk #spider punk #m&m posts

[puppyeared]

Atla live action 😐

#thats my honest reaction 😐 #to be fair ive only seen 20 minutes of the s1 finale bc my parents are watching it but. mmmmm kinda mid #like. the casting is definitely an improvement since the last time they tried a live action but it feels like the writing falls flat #or maybe im being harsh bc ive only heard negative criticism on it beforehand. but fr anytime u bring up the original its already #good and not just because its the original. so much fucking detail went into it to the point of someone noticing azula wielding mai's knive #to how well thought out irohs character is used as a way of uniting the cast especially as zukos foil #i heard that sokkas sexism was toned down and i have to agree that feels like a cheap move. like i get WHY they think it would be better #but its not about how that reflects on real world its about how it affects the story. sokka starts out as a misogynistic asshole because #it makes it that much more impactful when he changes. toning that down makes it flatter and makes his character development weak #and someone pointed out they didnt even make him wear the kyoshi warrior uniform and i know it feels like such a small detail but #come on man. they did that in the original because not only does it help him really walk in their shoes - wearing 'feminine' clothing and #makeup and having suki explain its significance but it also ties in with the shows theme of harmony and intersectionality #i was also disappointed when they had the fire sages explain how the water tribe draws power from the moon because in the original it was #IROH who explained it to aang and everyone else BECAUSE we as the audience is under the impression hes with the 'bad guys' #and it builds up to how he learned from the other nations which reconciles his past as a war general and his character overall #AND its an excellent starting point for the cast and audience to understand how the nations arent as closed off as you would think #plus you would think its only fire nation doing propaganda but they expanded on that with earth kingdom censorship and it WORKS #a lot of things in the live action also feel arbitrary like. they gave momo a near death experience for 5 minutes for no reason #im firmly on the stance of bringing back filler moments instead of putting major events right after each other so that u give your #audience a sense of time passing and to really absorb the story. but i think thats more like shock value than filler and yeah its a small #thing to gripe about but those things build up and its really annoying. the thing abt avatar filler moments is that however small #its at least meaningful. hell even the beach episode emphasizes how isolated zuko and his friends are as child soldiers #i also swore to never watch the first live action since it was that bad but i really liked the stylized tattoos they used for aang #anyway. those arejust my thoughts. im not gonna watch the rest because im a ride or die for the original aftr growing up and #rewatching it at least 20 times as a kid. but theres definitely room for improvement and i wish ppl wouldnt take it as 'better' just cuz #netflix is adapting it. i wouldve killed for them to just reanimate the entire avatar series and touch NOTHING ELSE no redub #no changes to the story. just reanimate the thing and leave the rest alone and youd make easy money just the same #ALSO its very jarring not hearing jack desena and dante basco voicing sokka and zuko cause their voices were the most recognizable to me #i get that its because its live action but im allowed to feel a little sad abt that. and uncle irohs accent was really soothing #yapping

[plotbunnybreeder]

A Nurtured Nature

Stiles is extremely loyal, willing to bend rules or compromise morals if it would keep his loved ones safe. He's intelligent and clever. What happens when he's raised by the Argents?

Sheriff Stillinski changed his patrol route the night of the Hale House Fire and witnessed Kate at the scene. Kate kills the Sheriff, stealing Talia's claws off of her corpse to fake his death as a werewolf casualty and give her an excuse for killing the Hales. To cover her tracks she checks on his family to find Claudia already mentally impaired with illness and a young Stiles reading above his age level.

That night Mieczyslaw "Stiles" Stillinski disappears from Beacon Hills and Seth Tyler "Styles" Argent is born.

#fanfiction #plot bunny #stiles stilinski #teen wolf #alternate universe #Brought to you by growing up in a conservative household and only learning how bad it was in college #Hunter Stiles #I could really see a wide variety of pairings come out of this

[shoechoe]

I forget how much of a little asshole Giorno is at the start of Vento Aureo. My friend watched the beginning and told me she didn't really like Giorno because he was "kind of a dick" and I see why. I guess it's like Josuke being a delinquent and Jotaro getting into fights and stuff

#rambles #giorno #vento aureo #giorno is interesting as a fairly static character in terms of morality #jojos usually start off as bad/flawed people and the parts tend to do different things with them #like how jolyne was pretty immature at the start of stone ocean and had her fair share of jail run-ins #and had to learn and grow throughout by gaining responsibility and protecting her loved ones while fighting a bigger threat #giorno straight up steals shit without feeling bad about it and doesn't really change or grow in his viewpoints #mostly because everyone in the mafia is worse than him. lol #i do find it a little annoying how giorno is established as a sort of moral authority with the ''you're a good person'' shtick #(with him even saying that to koichi... dude you robbed him.) #it gives him a very presumptuous air i don't think is intentional. i don't find giorno ''annoying'' per se but i can see why people do #what can you do though. middle schoolers are just like that #shoe watches vento aureo

[fizzytoo]

adrien and rua take amaya to meet rua's side of the family! rua's nephew, broderick, makes his introductions too!

#ts4 #ts4 gameplay #sims 4 gameplay #postcard legacy challenge #let it be known broderick's name was randomly generated #rua holding ama while he talks to his brother and dad 😞🫶🏽 so cute #adrien showing loren baby pictures and bragging about how smart she is 😤 “you wouldn’t believe how quick my ama learned to sit up” #both adrien and rua don’t cuss now that they have a kid. adrien never really cussed maybe he’d say fuck or shit but that’s rlly it #but you know who does cuss? ru’s brother makani. it’s a normal amount but to people who don’t cuss it’s like ‼️ #and it’s rubbed off on isabella (the toddler) whose new thing is cussing #that’s why she’s sitting on the couch pensively while adrien reads to her after getting in trouble 😭 #i’m so geeked rn bc i’m far enough in this legacy for my sims to have cousins !!! little amaya is gonna grow up alongside her cousins !! #imagine the sleepovers and the holidays 🥺 the closest cousin i have near my age is 3 years younger than me and we didn’t grow up near each #i rlly wanted them to adopt an older child (bc i don’t wanna play newborn-toddler stage 🧍🏽) maybe i’ll have them do that when ama’s a child #idk i’ll flip a coin to help me decide #sim: adrien herrera #sim: rua kamealoha #sim: amaya kamealoha #postcard: gen3 #queue

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

You're mine now, old man.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #a-qing #xiao xingchen #A-qing's story kicks off so strong. You really get a sense that she feels strongly attached to xxc during the pre-empathy scenes #and that she has a strong sense of loyalty and perseverance with strong survival instinct #but then you see her before all the tragedy and you *immediately* learn she is a clever trickster! #She follows xxc not out of gratitude but out of a sense that this guy is her meal ticket. #xxc is kind and strong but most importantly *noble* #she can smell the self-sacrificing bright eyed hope on this stranger. She knows the mere fact she's a young blind girl means #he will protect her. The fact he gives her a little money doesn't hurt her justification but tbh she would have followed all the same #a-qing is *the* catgirl of all time actually. Follows you for the fact you provide food and shelter. Opportunistic. May grow to be loyal. #That's not even getting into the parallels here between these two characters and wwx (who is seeing these events play out) #the yi city trio are arguably the three split aspects of wwx: who he feels like (a-qing the opportunist) who he wants to be (xxc the noble) #and who he feels seen as (xy the vengeful). #one day I'll write a more robust analysis on that. prob in the tags though #(His a-qing parallels are also tied with the fact they both were street rat orphans who learned how to code-switch to be whoever #they need to be to feel safe. I have a lot more thoughts to share but augh another time...another time)

[waitineedaname]

reading the novel, i love how blatantly indulgent of the juniors lan wangji is. when he was their age, he was duelling wei wuxian over broken rules and lived his life by behaving as precisely as what was expected of him, and now as an adult, he's basically letting the juniors do whatever they want as long as it isn't unsafe and generally letting the kids act like kids

which leaves wei wuxian to have to be the one playing bad cop. wei "has never followed anyone else's rules in his life" "bane of lan qiren's existence" "public enemy number one" wuxian has to be the one being like "oh my god don't burn money on someone else's doorstep, don't you know that's rude. you kids need to focus on your studies more, why isn't anyone teaching you anything useful, do i have to do everything myself around here"

#mdzs #it's really cute tbh #and not at all what you'd expect from a surface level impression of them #lwj has spent so much of his life being restrained and basically never got to be a kid #so he's so indulgent of these kids so they don't have to grow up miserable like he did #meanwhile wei wuxian was very unrestrained and then suffered because of it #so he's like you kids need to learn how to do things properly or else you are going to be Killed #they make a good teacher duo tbh #I love how much wwx seems to enjoy teaching them #I just love the bit when they're burning money on someone's yard #and wwx is like ''aren't you going to tell them to stop??'' #and lwj is like ''you do it'' #and so wwx is the one to go over and scold them #can you imagine being the lan juniors #you go to the mo estate and meet this guy who is notoriously gay and insane #who messes with your spiritual tools and sics some corpses on each other #and then he's hanging off of your esteemed hanguang-jun #who as far as you know has never had any friends #except this guy apparently #and then suddenly hanguang-jun is parading the notoriously insane guy around with his sacred forehead ribbon around his wrists #and the notoriously insane guy is very seriously scolding you for not knowing more about ghosts and is definitely doing necromancy #while hanguang-jun makes heart eyes at him #what would you even do with that

[suffarustuffaru]

What If Julius and Subaru both met when Julius was a commoner and Subaru got transported Sooner

fun stuff im sure !! but haah okay given julius was a kid when he was a commoner - yeah theyre both kids here!! not sure how old but definitely somewhere before the age of ten. and i think theyd be up to some shenanigans together im sure!! theyre both very mischevious kids (or from what little we know of little kid julius, given iirc tappei hasnt specified just How Much of a "delinquent" little kid julius is okay. but hes definitely the type to sneak out past curfew or something. stay up late reading too, probably. that sort of thing). and also subarus a kid and no way he ISNT missing home poor guy T^TT getting ripped away from home like that is bad enough at seventeen, getting ripped away from home when you are like. no more than eight or something is Bad. but luckily!! im assuming subaru gets found by the juukuliuses (julius's parents probably?) and thats how julius and subaru form their friendship / long-term yearning for each other (if you so desire that) (okay but no way subaru ISNT gonna form long-term yearning for julius flajsdlf). but yes i think julius and subaru would be silly happy kids together and julius's parents would be like oh no this other kid is so lost where is he from :(( but hes so loved by julius already too... well we got another kid under our roof now.

except. julius's parents die in a flood. so i mean. Hypothetically.... either julisuba survive this one first try or subaru dies for the first time. which. ohh god. oh god. oh g -

#IM. IM JUST GONNA LEAVE ON THAT OMINOUS NOTE #yeah so i think this would turn into childhood friends to Possibly Mutual Pining but actually it might not be mutual if you wanna interpret #reinjuli a certain way. but then but THEN later it can become mutual if u so want #like when u know a person for such a long period of time u change over time. u know?? both you and the relationship u have with this person #has its alterations over time!! thats just how it b but if youre meant to be together youll stick it out <3 #julisuba in every universe they befriend each other for good is #Bound to be together for the rest of their lives. To Me. they are soulmates to Me okay their relationship is important #regardless of what form it takes!!! they could grow to think of each other like brothers in an au like this if u so desire too!! which i #think would be really touching <3 #yeah so. julisuba childhood friends au. shit goes haywire sometimes. its really awful bc subarus a kid so u can imagine the kind of fucked #stuff hes learning rn hahaha. or you can go the happier route and subaru doesnt learn about rbd until later </3 #either way. julisuba real. subarus an eldritch horror. these are both crucial facts for every timeline #i think julius would probs be a bit better having a companion by his side from the very beginning throughout all of this for sure!! #and someone who Gets the jealousy / do i want to be with him or Be him ;-; #i have a fondness for reinjulisuba (THE MESSIEST LOVE TRIANGLE YOUVE EVER SEEN) #and ok if subarus an eldritch horror since childhood then he and reinhard are gonna have Even More in common #hooray for childhood joys and traumas!!!!! #also julisuba visit julius's parents graves :(( leave nice flowers there im sure #subaru-joshua hostility begins also. that sort of thing #rezero #re:zero #ask #natsuki subaru #julius juukulius

[braceletofteeth]

If you want to be happy, I hope it comes true.

I hope you will be happy too.

#ploy's yearbook #1x10 #jaochan #pongtawan dejdamrong #kapook ploynira #joong archen #gifset #* #// #congratulations on the divorce 🎉 #this was one of the most BEAUTIFUL break-ups I have ever seen everybody SHUT UP 😭 #they have so much maturity and respect for each other #it didn't work between them because of xyz (Tawan sacrificing his life and dreams for his family/previous lover) #and the only reason she was still by his side was because he was afraid of being alone with no purpose #but none of them deserves to live like this. they deserve to be happy. #to keep Jao tied to him when there is no more love between them is a selfish thing to do #she finally tells him that. they need to move on and Tawan is holding them back. they deserve better than this. #/// #side note #it's in moments like this that I really appreciate the process of growing up‚ learning‚ and changing ideas/beliefs #younger me would probably have been offended by the idea that love can expire #or at very least looked down on a love that ends for not being strong enough to perdure #but the thing is #sometimes the love is there and the love is strong and the love lasts for a long time #and the love still expires. it becomes something else. or it doesn't become anything. it just stops. #and to insist that it should continue to validate the love you felt before is disrespectful to your past self #it's gone now‚ but it was there before. it was as real as the love that doesn't stop growing. #love may not last forever but every bond we create with another person leaves a mark‚ and the mark does. #the experience and how it influenced us. the memories‚ the good and the bad ones‚ all of it‚ is ours. it doesn't expire until we do.

[cartoonchaos]

“gee i wonder why there’s still so much more fanfiction about male characters” “we need more morally complex female characters” “i love relationships that are doomed by the narrative” “more stories need to treat mentally ill characters with compassion and respect” “all his problems could’ve been fixed if he only went to therapy” you fuckers can’t even handle the ending of fionna and cake

#i’m not one to go online and complain fruitlessly about how media literacy is in the toilet but jesus christ #it’s actually devastating seeing so many people actively reject a brilliant and emotionally challenging show #all because they refuse to examine anything about themselves #if you’re genuinely pissed petrigrof wasn’t endgame and the show couldn’t quote unquote let them be happy #if you’re seriously mad your favorite doomed yuri was in fact doomed by the narrative #if you can’t enjoy petrigrof anymore because you now know it’s quote unquote problematic or toxic and not a perfect tragedy #please i beg of you watch it again #this show beat you over the head with a children’s book and then you misunderstood it somehow and then whined about your headache #and if you for realsies believe this show is pushing an unhealthy message with how it handled simon’s depression #this show that showed him so much compassion and understanding and gave him closure and let him move on and grow and seek help #if you think betty was too harsh on him #the betty that sentenced the man who doomed her to life #to live a happy and healthy life #to seek help and grow and become an individual not defined by his grief #if you think that’s seriously equivalent to telling a depressed person to just cheer up #then you are legitimately anti-recovery #i really hope you guys learn how to engage healthily with complex media #one would’ve thought steven universe taught us all a lesson #but i guess a million casper and nova level stories won’t be enough for some of you #here’s hoping you don’t just kin simon but actually follow his example #get therapy #loony rambles #fionna and cake #simon petrikov #betty grof #petrigrof #adventure time

[gailynovelry]

Gently shaking the sort of people who go like "ew why would anyone describe a book using tropes, that doesn't tell me anything about—" honey, it's because it's a convenient shorthand. If you want to know what the story is about in actual detail, then click the link and read the summary. Maybe read a few reviews and learn what the experience was like for other people. Please, I know that you are smart enough to do a little research on your own.

And if you're not interested in the way the author described the book anyway, then why are you wasting time telling them how uninterested you are? Go find something you actually like!

#vent #“describe the themes” #sure. describing themes means the sentence “this book is about my fear of queer genocide” #which if you'll notice is not in fact the aimless fluff you think all books ever described with tropes are #nor is it necessarily fanfiction-esque content #not saying that to diss fanfiction i am saying that because tropes are not exclusive to fanfiction and i am not really a fanfic writer #there are a lot of interesting literary conversations to be had with and about and using tropes #and i am tired of people lashing out at systems of categorization they refuse to use instead of figuring out how to find what they want #i'm blaming passive content consuming habits for this one #“i can't ever find anything that's not XYZ” #okay hear me out #are you actually taking the time to look through your potential possibilities #or are you staring ruefully at whatever the algorithm (or your mutual circle) served you up by happenstance? #you have more queer options than ever. far more than i had growing up (excuse the bitterness). learn how to hunt them down.