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irondad-not-ironsad · 2 years

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when you love her

Summary: After accidentally throwing a drink in Gilbert's face, Anne overhears him talking about her.

Inspired by and title from "Love Her" by the Jonas Brothers

A/N: For a while, I have associated this song with Shirbert, especially the line "Drive me crazy, make me mental, no other buttons she can push. One second she's miss sentimental, then she's afraid she said to much. They say opposites attract and we're the living proof of that but I keep on coming back like a magnet." Then last night I started thinking about how the song as written as if the narrator is telling someone else about the girl he loves, and then I imagined Gilbert and Anne having a fight and her then overhearing him talk about her and then I wrote all this and promptly fell asleep because I finished it at 6 AM. So basically, if any of it is incoherent it is due to my own sleep deprivation, but nonetheless I hope y'all enjoy!

"Gotta learn to let the small things go, and know it's always far from perfect, and I know that we can get emotional, but the hardest parts are always worth it." -Jonas Brothers, Love Her

Anne truly had not meant to throw her drink at Gilbert. Yes, it is true that she had been voicing her displeasure with Gilbert quite loudly when the incident occurred, but when she had made the sweeping gesture with her arm she had forgotten that she had refilled her glass. In fact, the multiple refills of her glass were also partially to blame for this incident. Immediately running away after this also probably contributed to making her look guilty, but the sight of Gilbert's shocked face dripping wine both quickly sobered her and filled her with regrets.

She always seemed to put her foot in it with Gilbert Blythe.

Anne did not know what standard protocol was for when one's new long distance beau traveled over a thousand miles to visit, but she was certain that ruining his crisp white dress shirt was not part of it.

Honestly, she had been very much looking forward to his visit, it did not occur to her that talking to a person might be considerably different than corresponding via letter. While on paper Anne could unabashedly wax poetic about the feel of his lips on hers, when she met him at the ferry she could barely say hello without turning scarlet. One would think that Gilbert's own confidence would make things less awkward, it had the opposite effect.

Because, of course, when Gilbert saw her as he walked down the ramp, he had called out "Carrots!", ran to her and swiftly kissed her on the lips before taking her hand as if he had done so thousands of times before. And, of course, this blatant display of affection had left Anne so flustered that she couldn't even find the words to respond to his use of the heinous nickname.

It was Friday night, and because Gilbert was on fall break he did not have to leave until Monday evening. Because the sun was already going down, Anne had initially planned for the two of them to go to dinner and then part ways for the night, so they could be up early and take advantage of the day tomorrow. Anne could feel her heart beating in her throat, so the thought of carrying on a conversation over dinner seemed like the most daunting thing in the world, so when Gilbert asked where they were going she blurted out

"Party!" Gilbert, who could now add his patience to the list of ways in which he was perfect, did not give her a strange look or laugh, but rather he simply waited for her to continue. "I'm sure you want to catch up with the rest of our classmates while you’re here, and they're all at this party, so I thought it would be fun if we went?"

Anne could have sworn Gilbert had almost looked disappointed, but if he had been wanting to do something else he didn't voice it. She knew from their letters that Gilbert was not a huge fan of the few parties he had gone to in Toronto, and Anne was typically the same. While she loved the soirees Aunt Jo would put on, she was not huge on the typical college party which was a bunch of teenagers crammed into a tiny space and drinking until they made themselves sick.

This is not to say Anne was opposed to drinking as a whole. She had fun at the post exam bonfire (not counting the end of that evening), and far be it from her to refuse to participate when one of the girls would sneak a bottle of currant wine into Blackmore House. Rather, it was the noise and crowdedness that she found distinctly unappealing. Tonight, however, she was counting on those very things to act as a buffer between her and her sweetheart, at least until she found a way to compose herself.

At first, her plan seemed to be going great. When Moody and Charlie spotted them walking in, they immediately swept Gilbert away to catch up, even though he had pouted a bit at having to release her hand. She quickly found the girls lingering near the drinks, though they looked quite surprised to see her. As they all questioned her about where Gilbert was, she poured herself a drink, downed it in one go, and then poured another before answering them. Diana had given her a quizzical look, but didn't have time to question her Josie lined arms with her and demanded Anne lead them to Gilbert. Walking through the crowded house in a group of six was challenging, but when they reached the boys they were able to claim a corner for themselves to stand in.

The liquid courage was proving effective, with Anne only blushing a little when Gilbert slung an arm around her shoulder under the guise of crowding into the small space. Tillie had apparently snagged a bottle of wine from the drinks table, and tasked herself with keeping everyone's glasses full. By the time Anne had finished her second drink, she had forgotten why she had felt so awkward in the first place. When she finished her third drink, she found herself in quite a good mood a she unabashedly stared at Gilbert's side profile. Noticing her gaze, Gilbert quirked an eyebrow at her and asked

"What?"

"Have I ever told you what a splendid chin you have?" She punctuated the question by leaning up to kiss said chin, simply because she now realized she could do so whenever she pleased. He chuckled and slid his arm from her shoulder to her waist, where he squeezed gently as he chuckled.

"You haven't, but I think your chin is splendid as well." She laughed at this a bit more than was warranted, but she was still doing okay up until she finished drink four. As she held her cup out to Jane, who had gone for another bottle when the last ran out, for another refill, Gilbert bent his head to speak quietly in her ear.

"Do you think maybe you've had enough?" She ignored him as she took another sip.

"Anne" he spoke slightly louder this time, but he was still making an effort to not be overheard by any of their friends. "I really don't think you should drink anymore, you seem a little-" Getting annoyed, she spun away from his side.

"You are not the boss of me-" Truly, she had only meant to gesture at him with the hand that was also holding her drink, but in her state she didn't realize quite how full Jane had poured her cup or quite how much force she was using. The next bit seemed to happen in slow motion, as the red liquid seemed to jump out of the cup and hit Gilbert square in the face, only to drip off his splendid chin to stain his shirt. The polite thing to do would be to offer a handkerchief for him to clean himself, or at the very least apologize. Anne, however, was far too mortified to stick around long enough to do either of those things. Instead, she only took in the shocked look on his face, with his eyes squeezed shut but his mouth slightly ajar, for a second before spinning on her heel and running.

Juxtaposed to what was happening inside, the yard was quiet peaceful. The chilly fall air seemed to be enough to keep all the partygoers in the house. In this moment, the cold was just what Anne needed to knock some sense into her. Just in front of the porch was a small garden where there were still a few flowers in bloom, so Anne decided to enjoy their company. She would usually feel a tad guilty to pluck someone else's flowers, but she was sure a frost would be coming soon anyways, and she needs something to occupy her hands so she begins weaving a crown.

A few moments pass by as Anne tries to avoid thinking about what had happened, knowing that the second she allows herself to she won't be able to stop and she'll do something embarrassing like cry or scream. When she hears the door open, she pays it no mind, assuming that it must be someone leaving. The footsteps, however, stop on the porch and she thinks perhaps she ought to make her presence known in case the people were seeking privacy. As she prepares to stand, she hears Gilbert speak and finds herself frozen in place.

"I'm fine, really. Just wanted to get away from the noise for a moment, you guys can go back in if you want."

"She yelled at you and threw a drink in your face in front of anyone, how are you so calm? I'd be fuming." Anne did not often find herself agreeing with Charlie Sloane, but in this case he made a point.

"It's… well you'll understand it one day Charlie." There's a pause during which Anne assumes his companions gave him an odd look, as Gilbert explains. "Well, when you love her, no matter the fight you know she's always right." This only left Anne more perplexed, as she saw absolutely no way to spin this so that she would be right, and she had a very vivid imagination.

"While I suppose love must hurt then, eh?"

"It's worth it." For the first time, Gilbert sounds almost flustered, She swears she can hear him blushing. The third boy, who Anne realizes must be Moody, joins the conversation at this point.

"Well, I suppose you knew what you were getting into, seeing as she cracked a slate over your head the day you first met." She heard a chuckle which she could tell was Gilbert, before Charlie again attempted to question his sanity. Before he could finish his sentence, Moody interrupted him. "Well, we should be heading back inside."

Once she hears the door open and close, she sighs. Finally alone again, she looks down at her lap and realizes she had absentmindedly finished the crown as she listened to their conversation. She figures it's time for her to face the music, but as she goes to stand she once again is interrupted by a voice.

"I know you're down there." She turns to face the porch just in time to see Gilbert come up to the railing and lean over it to look down at her. "I noticed the flowers when we got here, and I know when you run off you tend to take solace in nature." She allowed herself to fall back to the ground from where she was balancing on her knees.

"If you knew I was here, why didn’t you say anything before?"

"I figured you probably didn't feel like seeing anyone, so I wanted to get rid of the boys first."

"I didn't mean to! Throw the drink at you, that is." She looked down again, not able to meet his eyes as she added "I forgot that my cup was full." to her surprise, he laughs at her, and not just a chuckle. As Gilbert cackled, Anne found herself getting annoyed.

"It's not funny, it's mortifying! I can only imagine what everyone, you included, thinks of me right now! Oh, and your shirt must be ruined, to top it all off!" With that, she buried her face in her hands, as if she could simply undo the events of the night through sheer force of will. She barely registered the sound of Gilbert walking down the stairs, or the feeling of him sitting next to her in the garden. She only looked up when she felt his jacket come to rest on her shoulders.

"Hey, it's not really that big a deal. Honestly, all of our friends are too drunk to judge you, and just think what a funny story this will be in a few years! Also, in regards to my shirt, it's just clothes, I have others." She couldn't help but return his smile.

"Sorry for getting drunk, I'm not usually like this."

"Honestly you weren't that bad, not compared to some of the others at least. I suppose I was just a bit disappointed- not in you though! I was looking forward to spending time with you, but the party wasn't exactly conducive to that." Anne felt the residual anxiety leave her as if a weight was being lifted, and she reached to take his hand.

"I was looking forward to that, too… but when I saw you I had the realization that being together in person was much different than writing letters, and I found myself getting extremely flustered, meanwhile you were downright smooth! So I thought being around our friends would help act as a buffer, and then the alcohol seemed to help as well… you must think I'm completely ridiculous." He chuckled and bumped her shoulder with his.

"I think you're the perfect amount of ridiculous, actually. But, really, you shouldn't be at all intimidated by me. Really, write to Bash if you want, he can assure you I am anything but cool, especially when it comes to you."

"As tempting as that sounds, I don't think the post office is open at the moment." She releases his hand so that she can use both of hers to place the flower crown on his head. "There, it's impossible to be nervous around someone who looks silly."

"I'm not sure what you mean, I think I look quite handsome in a flower crown." He pulls a face that is so silly, she cannot help but kiss it, holding his cheek as she presses her mouth to the corner of his.

"You're right, in fact I think we should go inside so everyone can see how dashing you look."

"Or we could stay out here for a while?" He looks so nervous as he suggests it that she cannot help but tease.

"All alone? Without a chaperone? My, what the mothers of Avonlea would say if they could see their beloved golden boy now."

"I- that's not-"

Deciding to put him out of his misery, she silences him with a kiss and finds herself wondering how she ever felt nervous around him in the first place.

"Cause when you love her, no matter the fight you know she's always right, and that's alright. And they say love can hurt, but seeing her smile will fix it every time" -Jonas Brothers, Love Her

A/N: Is this my second fic in which Anne and Gilbert see eachother in person for the first time after the events of 3x10, they get into a fight about something silly, makeup and Gilbert wears a flower crown at some point? Yes, yes it is. It's also my second fic featuring Drunk!Anne so perhaps I'll have to write Drunk!Gilbert soon. Also the characterization of Gilbert and Anne in this fic is heavily based on two scenes: 1) The 'eyes' scene in 3x1 because clearly Anne gets a little flustered around Gilbert, and I think we would still see that in the early stages of their relationship and 2) THE scene in 3x10. Specifically, how when Gilbert says he has to leave, Anne is awkwardly like "ok, bye?" and then he just grabs her hands and kisses them, and then like two minutes later when he jumps of the carriage to kiss her not caring that their are people watching. So I basically took the two minutes we saw of them as a couple and decided this is what they would probably be like. Anyways, thanks for reading! As always, comments are super appreciated!

#shirbert #anne with an e #awae #anne shirley cuthbert #gilbert blythe #anne x gilbert #my writing #shirbert fanfic

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onemustalwaysbecarefulofbooks · 5 years

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Kingdom of Ash Review/Discussion

It only took me a solid month, but it’s here. II was so all over the place with everything that anything earlier than that would have been completely incoherent. I finally managed to get all of my thoughts down in writing. Spoilers for the whole entire book ahead, you have been warned!

I guess I should start this review off by stating just how much this series means to me. I debated even putting anything like this in here because I feel like it’s almost obligatory and super cliche and basic. Regardless, it really is true. Without boring you all and going into too much detail, I found this series at a time when I was really struggling to find courage over a big hurdle I was trying to take in my life. At the time, only the first three were out. I fell in love with Throne of Glass and Crown of Midnight sent me to the depths of emotional roller coaster hell and ripped my heart out before stomping it into a million pieces. Heir of Fire was a turning point for me, a reading experience I will never forget because of how special it was. I remember struggling to get through that book like I haven’t with any other. Everything was misery and darkness, and I actually debated looking up spoilers to see if it was worth continuing (which I never NEVER do). The pay off for actually finishing it though, was rewarding like no other had been. Heir of Fire seems to be really special for the entire fandom, so I’m sure I really don’t need to explain. The journey Aelin goes through, the person she comes out as at the end, her courage and light and optimism were awe-inspiring to say the least, and spoke to me at time when I needed it. That book made me take a look at the way I reacted to things in my own life and make the deliberate choice to face them in a new way. It made the whole world seem better and brighter and I still think of it to this day and remember that feeling of reading it for the first time.

Fast forward to the release of this book. In a strange twist of fate, I find myself once again struggling with very similar feelings over something different. The odds this time seemed insurmountable, like I wouldn't be able to overcome it, no matter what. And in the midst of all of this, this series comes back into my life. I do not think it was coincidence that this last book was released when it was. When I was faced with these two giant obstacles in my life, these books were brought into it to help me overcome them. Other than reading the others in the series when they were released, I had not truly delved back into this world since my initial read of the series. I made the decision to start with The Assassin’s Blade and re-read the entire series (including Tower of Dawn, because I still hadn’t read it yet) leading up to Kingdom of Ash’s release. I do not think it was coincidence that that this series was brought back into my life when I was going through something so similar. I’m still dealing with things on a day-to-day basis but the message and the characters from this story have helped me tremendously. They mean so much to me and I will always be grateful that they were brought into my life. They will always be books that have an extremely special place in my heart.

Now, some of you reading this might be slightly confused, because just because all of this up there ^^^ is true, that does not mean I have not had my issues and complaints about this series up to this point! It feels so funny to wax poetic about these books and then talk about the things I didn’t like about them. They are not perfect and not without flaws, but that still doesn’t erase what they meant to me and how they helped me.

Some of the issues I had with the series were ones that others probably had and some were not. I never cared about the “all white/all cis” things. I am ALL for diversity in books, but I am also all for letting authors write what they want to write. If someone has a story in their mind, they should be able to tell it the way they envision it. Encouraging someone to think beyond what their normal horizon was and think critically about things like this is PERFECTLY fine. But a lot of what I saw is, “Sarah’s a horrible author because all her characters are white”. “Sarah’s a horrible author because all her characters are straight”. I don’t agree with that and don’t think it’s fair. I’m sure a lot of people probably have counterarguments to that but I just think we should let authors write what they want to write. There are plenty of authors out there that write about things I don’t like--so I simply choose not to read them. I don’t rage and demand that this author change their ways to meet my needs. I just find someone who does! Basically, trying to force authors into a mold takes away the genuineness of their work, in my opinion, no matter what you’re trying to force them in TO.

The issues I had stemmed from the fact that Sarah couldn’t seem to make up her mind on what story she wanted to tell. Did she want to tell the story of an assassin that fell in love with a prince that she inspired to stand up to his father? An assassin who fell in love with a closed off and reserved captain of the guard who finally took a stance for her? A fae prince? Every time I thought I had the direction the story was going figured out, she’d flip everything on it’s head and it was frustrating to me. I didn’t enjoy it in the way most people like plot twists and stories that aren’t predictable and keep them guessing. I also didn’t like the way certain characters could be held on a pedestal in one book and basically Aelin (and Feyre, but that’s a rant for another time)’s favorite person and then in the next one, once we had moved on to something else, all these personality flaws that had never been an issue in the past were put front and center, making them pale in comparison to whoever she was on to now. I’m sure you’ve heard this argument before too--that Sarah tries to force us into liking the new love interest. There’s no way I can say I don’t think this happens with her books. I’ve got too much evidence built up against it. I’ve made my peace with it now, however, and given the way everything turned out in this book, I can confidently say that everything was for the best. I’ll never really like this about SJM’s work, but it’s not anything Earth shattering anymore. . .at least I know to expect it! ;)

God, to even try and think about reviewing this whole book is overwhelming and exhausting. It is so MASSIVE that I feel like I can’t possibly remember every single thing that happened. When I got it for the first time and saw it’s size, I thought the publishing companies must have heard our cries about how much we hate the Bible-thin pages, and finally printed on regular ones. But then, upon closer examination, I realized it actually DID have those Bible pages, but STILL was the size it was.

I very foolishly and naively thought I could finish this thing in a few days, by the weekend after the day it came out. LOL @ ME. This book was so long it took me about a week and a half to get through it, even reading at full steam for most of the days. In some ways I liked this and in some I didn’t. I liked that I got to spend more time with it and not devour the entire thing and be done with it in just a few days. On the other hand, though. . .SO much happened that as time went on, I started to almost feel disconnected with the things I had read the first couple days. I’m so used to plowing through a book in a day or two that it was weird to think of things I had read a week ago--it felt like an entire lifetime ago. However, in hindsight, maybe that was a good thing. The emotions that were packed into this book. . .I’m speechless, man. This was, by far, one of the most emotional books I have ever read in my entire life. The emotions of all the character LEAPT off the page, and made you feel them right along with them. Sarah upped her game in this one. She is such a brilliant writer that she was able to make you feel all the pain, fear, sadness, hope, and joy that all of these people were feeling. You really really felt the scope of what we were going through--the struggle felt extremely real and everything was so emotionally poignant it left me reeling. It was an INTENSE experience.

I guess the only way I can even begin to tackle this is to take it character by character--or I guess I should really say storyline by storyline (which also kind of translates into couple by couple, amirite?!)

I’m gonna kick this off with Aedion and Lysandra, and their whole defending Terrasen storyline. First of all, HOLY $%*&. Those Terrasen battle scenes were STRESSFUL AF. I have no idea how they all hung on as long as they did. Every single chapter of theirs, I would be like “This is it. This has to be it. They have sunk as low as they can go, have exhausted every single resource, they are only holding on by the barest little scrap of luck. THEY CAN NOT DO THIS ANY LONGER”. And every flipping time, they did. Even with all those allies from Wendlyn, Ansel, the Silent Assassins, and Rolfe and his pirates. . .things just kept going from bad to worse. It was not fun to read about. Another thing that made it not fun to read about was because I was basically mad as hell at Aedion the whole time.

When we left them in Empire of Storms, he had said some pretty awful things to Lysandra. Now. . .I’m not saying that where his feelings were coming from were wrong. I get it, I do. His entire life has been about defending Terrasen for Aelin, finding Aelin, restoring Aelin to her throne. He wants that Blood Oath like he wants nothing else. She is his only family left (or so he thought) and is extremely important to him. He feels guilt over all that she went through and wants to keep her from suffering any further. So when something seriously bad happens to her, he goes a little berserk. I also understand that in moments of shock, grief, and pain, people say things that they don’t mean. Aedion was CLEARLY in shock, and experiencing some grief and pain. I could most likely forgive him pretty easily for his remarks at the end of EoS. . .calling Lysandra a lying bitch. Not nice, and he owes her a big apology, but like I said. . .he was in shock and deserves a little grace.

I expected stoney, tense, cold-shoulder silence between the two of them in here. I figured he’d regret what he said almost immediately but still be too upset and confused to do anything about it, and there would be more awkwardness than anything else. What I did NOT expect was for what he said to her in EoS to seem like mild name-calling in comparison to the things he said in here.

“He wants us to move the army back to him, and then to Orynth,” Aedion said, making to continue to Kyllian’s tent. “Immediately.”

She stepped in his path. “I can go, tell him this army needs to rest.”

“Is this some attempt to reenter my good graces?”

Her emerald eyes went as cold as the winter night around them. “I don’t give a damn about your good graces. I care about this army being worn down with unnecessary movements”.

She shrewdly looked him over. As if weighing the man within. “It was real, Aedion,” she said. “All of it. I don’t care if you believe me or not. But it was real for me.”

He couldn’t bare to hear it. “I have a meeting,” he lied, and stepped around her. “Go slither off somewhere else.”

Lysandra opened her eyes, peering up at him. At the rage on his face, the hatred.

She managed to stand, her body bleating in pain. Managed to look him in the eye, even as Aedion said again with quiet cold, “Get out.”

Barefoot in the snow, naked beneath her cloak. Aedion glanced at her bare legs, as if realizing it. As if not caring.

So Lysandra nodded, clutching Ansel’s cloak tighter, and strode into the frigid night.

Like yo Aedion, do you have a fucking Valg in you?????????? Seriously, what the fuck dude!!!! In what universe is saying or doing ANY of this okay??? Like I said, people say things they don’t mean when they’re shocked and in pain. Yeah, I understand he’s still going through a lot (and I do mean A LOT) but that is absolutely no excuse for the way he acted towards her. His continued treatment of her like garbage is terrible and it made me feel not so friendly towards him. It blew my mind that he was so upset over Aelin that he couldn’t see the selflessness in Lysandra’s decision. This girl has already been through SO MUCH (like honestly, this entire series is just full of characters who have the most traumatic backstories ever, I s2g), has been horrifically used and abused her entire life. She finally finds meaning and purpose in her life, finds freedom and the chance to make her own decisions. And she is willing to essentially give ALL of this up, sacrifice her freedom and control over her life that means EVERYTHING to her, for her friend. The first real friend she’s probably ever had in her life. Lysandra preparing to “be” Aelin for the rest of her life means she’ll have a huge target on her back from countless different people. She’ll be expected to give so much, when she has never been prepared for this sort of life at all. She’ll be expected to inspire, to lead, to rule, when all she wants is to have her own life. She’ll never be able to have her own children, never be able to follow her own dreams. She essentially signed her life away as much as Aelin did. She did all this FOR Aelin, FOR Terrasen, FOR the people, so they might not lose hope, and see their queen take her throne. And all Aedion sees is that she lied to him and was a compliance in Aelin being taken off to be tortured.

Aedion, you think Lysandra doesn’t love Aelin too??? You think it wasn’t just as hard for her to hear what Aelin planned to do, and to go along with it in order to try and help her friend in the best way she could???? And now she has to deal with your salty bitter ass, flinging insults and treating her like she’s worthless. She is giving SO MUCH to this war, she’s exhausting herself fighting on the front lines, using so much of her shape-shifting power, when it would be so easy for her to just walk away from all of this. And you threw her out, NAKED, into the snow. GOD DAMN, SON.

(The one thing I WILL give him is that their plan definitely wasn’t fullproof. I also found myself wondering what would happen if/when “Aelin” needed to display her powers or use them to help people. Someone would notice eventually that she doesn’t have any magic. If she was thinking long term enough for Lysandra to have “Aelin’s” children, how could they not have thought of this? They would have had to stage some story/lie about how she lost her powers eventually.)

Sorry, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I have wanted to chew Aedion out over that for a long time. Not that Lysandra didn’t get her own chance.

When she knew they were losing that battle because their morale was so low. . .and she took on Aelin’s form, and put herself at the front line. And took on those ilken, KNOWING that she was essentially powerless against them, but was going to be brave and go down fighting anyway. . .

She went down, shield rising to cover herself.

He took it back.

He took back everything he had said to her, every moment of anger in his heart.

Aedion shoved through his own men, unable to breathe, to think.

He took it back; he hadn’t meant a word of it, not really.

As horrifying and awful as this scene was, part of me was so cruelly satisfied by it. YEAH AEDION, NOW YOU SEE WHAT HER DECISION MEANS. Oh, you “take it back”, do you???? IT’S TOO LATE, YOU BAG OF DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fortunately, Lysandra and I proved to be pretty much of the same mind about this.

“I have been degraded and humiliated in so many ways, for so many years,” she said, voice shaking. “But I have never felt as humiliated as I did when you threw me into the snow. When you called me a lying bitch in front of our friends and allies. Never. I was once forced to crawl before men. And gods above, I nearly crawled for you these months. And yet it takes me nearly dying for you to realize that you’ve been an ass? It takes me nearly dying for you to see me as human again?”

Suffice it to say, I suppose he was sufficiently punished after this. Lysandra cut him like a razor and then he was stripped of his title, which literally meant everything to him. I still expected some groveling, which we got. But at the same time. . .nothing he did was ever really addressed?? I get that war and life-or-death situations bring people together (Lorcan and Elide, I’m comin’ for ya!!!) and I’m all for that, but that still doesn’t change the fact that he said and did some really fucked up things to her and they never really talked about it. I guess, in the grand scheme of ALL that was going on in this world, it was kind of inconsequential, and any more love and light we can get in the world is a good thing, especially after all the darkness they had just endured. Lysandra’s a very good person for forgiving him, because I know plenty that would have kicked him to the curb and never looked back. In the end, I’m extremely happy they’re getting married and they’re so happy. The two of them were my main contenders for people who were going to die in this book and I’m very glad I was wrong about this. I cried actual tears when Aedion took the blood oath at the end. I love that Lysandra is recognized as the Lady of Cavarre and their children will inherit it. I love that her and Falkan found each other!!!! Can he provide any description at all of what her parents look like, and would that help jog her memory at all of her own features? Even though at this point, everyone knows her as the face she wears, but I’m sure she’d still like to know. Even better: what if her and Aedion’s children are born with HER features, rather than the Ashryver ones they were banking on them getting when she was pretending to be Aelin?? My heart can’t handle it. Also, will their children inherit the shapeshifting gift? Can you imagine little baby ghost leopards and their ghost leopard mama??? My heart REALLY can’t handle it. I once read this really badass headcanon somewhere here on Tumblr that their daughter became Terrasen’s spymaster with that gift. . .that sounds pretty epic to me. The first time Evangeline appeared on the page, I literally teared up. Please don’t let anything happen to this precious little baby, I pleaded. Thank God someone was listening. Although with as big of a dick Darrow was being this entire time, all the time they spent together was making me really nervous. I didn’t trust him for SO long!! It all turned out alright, though. . .she really is so pure and precious that she melted even his crusty old heart. Like a high fantasy Cindy Lou Who and the Grinch.

Right up until this book’s release, I still had not read Tower of Dawn. Anyone who knows me at all knows I was no great fan of Chaol. If you’ve ever watched Christine Riccio’s videos, my stance on him was pretty much exactly the same as hers. I was FIRMLY Team Dorian and Chaol did pretty much nothing for me. Even after Rowan came into the picture and poor Chaol got put in the SJM Past Relationship Garbage Can, he was never someone I loved. As little as I felt towards him, I felt even less about Nesryn. I felt no strong desire whatsoever to read Tower of Dawn for a long time. I started hearing really great things about it, so my expectations were slowly building. By the time I did read it. . .WOW. It changed everything for me. I thought it was SO SO good and MAN, did it change my opinion on Chaol!!! Congrats, Sarah, you won me over with him completely. Mission accomplished, okay??!?!?! I LOVE CHAOL NOW!! I shipped him and Yrene so hard. I should also take his moment to talk about my love for Yrene. She is too good for this world and all I aspire to be in life. I’ve always kind of loved her ever since The Assassin’s Blade but I was a total goner when she shared that she wanted to go back to Erilea to help in the war, even though she was being offered everything in that southern continent. They are so well suited for each other it’s painful. I still don’t care AS much for Nesryn, she’ll never be my favorite character, but I do acknowledge that she’s a total badass and think it’s pretty epic that she’s going to be an EMPRESS now. That’s pretty hardcore. (Sartaq is also a total sweetie and I, too, would probably follow him into battle).

So I was TOTALLY thrilled to see all of them in here again!! Nesryn and Sartaq were significantly badass the entire time, they’re going to make an amazing khagan and empress. . .what a fucking power couple. They got off pretty much scot free, nothing even happened to their ruks, which I kind of thought would happen. Those god damn ruks I feel like did more work than anyone in this entire book. There were so many times where I’m like “those poor ruks must be fucking exhausted!!!”

Chaol and Yrene slayed me from page one (or whatever page they came in on). The thought that their lives were bound together, knowing what we were going into was honestly scary to think about. You know what else absolutely slayed and gutted me?? Finding out she was PREGNANT.

THAT’S JUST WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW. A VULNERABLE UNBORN BABY. BEING CARRIED BY A HEALER WHO’S SKILLS ARE UNPARALLELED, GOING INTO THE BIGGEST FUCKING WAR OF ALL TIME. GOOD. GREAT. AWESOME. FANTASTIC.

The way poor Chaol found out was just awful!!!! His father really is a PEACH. Hated him back in Crown of Midnight, hated him now. Watching everybody lay into him was really great. He can go off and be miserable somewhere and I hope we never see him again. I am SO happy that Chaol reconnected with his mother and that she’s going to be a part of their lives.

The Chaol/Yrene/Aelin reunion was beautiful and perfect and absolutely everything I ever wanted it to be. I was so hyped for this moment since finishing Tower of Dawn, I was about a second away from exploding from sheer excitement. When Aelin saw him walking and started crying, and they HUGGED, I immediately burst into tears. Even though I was not a Chaolaena shipper, I hated the way their relationship ended and was handled in Queen of Shadows. Even though it wasn’t who I wanted her to be with, it was a truly beautiful relationship that was built on some very real things and I thought they both deserved better than the bitterness, anger, and lack of trust we were left with the last time we saw him. Tower of Dawn and this moment healed this, as effectively as if Yrene had done it herself. Anything that brought reference back to the earlier books had me emotional as hell, and this moment really opened the floodgates. Aelin and Yrene WOW omg kill me. I LOVE that Aelin remembered her immediately and that Yrene got to tell her everything she had done with her life and how grateful she was. I loved that Aelin got to see how one small act of kindness had dramatically changed so many people’s lives. UGH it was just the best.

When Aelin and Chaol lead the charge from Anielle together. . .oh man, it hit me hard.

“To Lord Chaol! To the queen!”

How far they both were from Rifthold. From the assassin and the captain.

Like I said, I didn’t even LIKE the Chaolaena relationship when it was happening, but this completely gave me all the feels. I was a mess.

I was worried af for Yrene this whole time. Aelin gets a lot of credit for being the magic powerhouse in this series, but idk man. . .I think Yrene’s really where it’s at. The whole time, I was waiting for her to basically just collapse in exhaustion. She’s working as a magical healer in what’s probably the bloodiest war their world has ever experienced, getting hardly any rest, is stressed and worried as hell for her husband who’s fighting in the war, and is walking around puking in buckets in between healings because she’s fucking PREGNANT. When Aelin and Co. started getting all excited because they found out she could heal the Valg out of people and were asking for a demonstration and they found out she had already done TEN that day I was like

YRENE NEEDS TO REST, OKAY EVERYONE?!?!?!? SHE’S GONNA BURN HERSELF OUT!!!

But no!!!! She never does!!! We know she’s tired but she never shows signs of like a major burn out that even Aelin has?? She just gets back up and keeps going?? Like where is the end to her power?? I swear, this woman is incredible. I knew that theoretically she could “heal” Erawan away but somehow even knowing this I never really thought she’d do it. I still always thought it would be Aelin (but let’s be real, this girl had far too much on her plate at this point). But no???? Yrene just steps right up and is like

She SMILES and calls him pathetic!!!! Doesn’t even flinch!!!! Baby’s fine, she’s fine!!! Erawan is GONE!!! WHERE WERE YOU THIS ENTIRE SERIES, YRENE!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I honestly feel like she’ll be just as much of a legend in their world now as Aelin will be. Remember in Heir of Fire, when Aelin’s fighting the ilken and she has that vision (or something) of the future where she comes back for her people and they’re all chanting her name, thanking her for banishing the darkness??? NOPE, YRENE. (And DORIAN, but we’ll get to that later)

I absolutely love the idea of her opening a Torre in Erilea. Her and Chaol are going to be so so happy. My one regret is that we didn’t get to see that baby. I really really wanted to. I thought maybe it would be in an epilogue or something. That’s another thing. . .I kept waiting for her to lose that baby. That would have brought things to a level of tragic I’m not really sure I could handle, so thank you Sarah for being kind to me that way. I’m probably going to hold out hope of seeing until I actually see it, so anytime you wanna get on that Sarah would be great.

Moving on to my NEW FAVES, LORCAN AND ELIDE!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t really know what I felt about them for a long time. I remember starting Empire of Storms and honest to God not even remembering who Lorcan was. I seriously had almost no recollection of him from Queen of Shadows. I was pretty meh on their storyline through Empire of Storms the first time I read it. It wasn’t until my re-read before Kingdom of Ash where I was like ??????? How have I not noticed these two more???? I literally love them with all my heart???? I ship them with the intensity of a thousand suns????

They gave me ALL the feels and it made Lorcan’s “betrayal” at the end of EoS even worse. I, like Elide, was pretty disgusted by him crawling after Maeve. I could honestly forgive everything else pretty easily. He had good intentions, he really did. But it’s like people expecting Manon to all the sudden be all warm and fuzzy in the blink of an eye. He’s trying to care for and protect the person he cares about but he literally does not know how. He’s going to make some mistakes. His just happened to be mildly catastrophic. *wince*

But yeah, all of that pretty much got pushed to the side when I saw him groveling and crawling through the sand after her. I was completely with Elide on this one. Like Are you for real, dude??? All of that just happened, and you STILL want to go back with her?? Go crawl off and be miserable somewhere.

But THEN when you find out the REAL reason he was acting like that. . .not trying to crawl for Maeve but for AELIN, it’s like. . .oh. Okay. Okay then. OKAY OKAY OKAY. I’M SORRY, LORCAN, OKAY???? COME ON, ELIDE, GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE!!!!!

It was impossible for me to stay mad at him after that. He is so so SO painfully whipped for Elide it’s hysterical. I just kept waiting for her to crack. I have never wanted to hug anyone more than I wanted to hug him when she was still mad at him. It was like watching a kicked puppy. She was cold as ice for so long that eventually I was like ELIDE, THIS MAN IS SUFFERING!!!!! PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

The things she said to him before that battle were SO mean. I felt so awful for him. But then as soon as he got hurt, I knew something epic was going to happen. I could FEEL it.

That whole sequence where she realizes he’s missing, and takes that horse, and charges out to find him, knowing that the flood is coming, but not caring because she has to find him and tell him she loves him. . .that scene CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

I was shaking and crying like a lunatic through the entire thing. The whole thing was so well-written, you could feel the intensity, you could feel her desperation, you could feel the sense of time ticking by and running out. It was as if all the sudden, before my eyes, the intensity and depth of their relationship was revealed to me, so much greater than I ever thought it was before, and I was as desperate for her to find him as she was. There was a minute where I genuinely thought they were both goners. I thought this was some dramatic painful way Sarah was going to write their deaths. I was riding on the edge of my seat the entire god damn time.

I also thought this was going to be a dramatic reveal of magic for Elide. The question was raised in Queen of Shadows AND Empire of Storms why Vernon wanted her so badly. Apparently she has witch blood from her mom’s side (this was never really explained and I’m still curious?) and then the Lochan bloodline has a history of powerful magic. Vernon was like hinting that she specifically, or her bloodline, was destined for some greatness and would make for extremely powerful demon Valg babies. I thought maybe in this moment, she would do what Aelin ends up doing. . .that it would take this moment, her and Lorcan and everyone else’s lives being in danger, for her magic to burst out and stop the flood. I still think that would have been cool. But in a way, I kind of like that she has no real magic, but she completely holds her own among all these extremely powerful people that do--and not just holds her own, but often one ups them all and shows everyone up. She’s incredible on her own, just as she is.

(I also thought we’d get to see Yrene heal her leg. I’m satisfied knowing it’s coming, though!)

After that, everything between them slayed me a million times over. Seeing the way Lorcan was with her seriously brought tears to my eyes. I want a whole book of just fluff between them. Seriously, Lorcan is the sweetest god damn teddy bear ever and I can’t stand it.

“Perranth will be rebuilt,” was all he said. “We’ll see that it is.”

“Have you ever done it? Rebuilt a city?”

“No,” he admitted, coaxing the pain from her aching bones. “I have only destroyed them.” His eyes lifted to hers, searching and open. “But I should like to try. With you.”

But then. . .of all the smutty, kinky, X-Rated level of sex scenes we get in Sarah’s work. . .you chose to cut off Lorcan and Elide’s into a fade-to-black. Like I’m sorry. . .what do you think this is, a PG-13 YA????!?!? You held out on the goods, Sarah. I’m disappointed.

Elide’s uncle met a very satisfying and poetically just ending. He deserved everything he got. When he was begging for mercy, to keep from being locked up and left. . .give me a break, give me a fucking break. You had no problem doing it to a helpless child for ten years. . .have a taste of your own medicine, bitch.

Vernon’s face went the color of spoiled milk. “You mean to leave me in their hands, utterly defenseless?”

“I was defenseless when you let my leg remain unhealed,” she said, a steady sort of calm settling over her. “I was a child then, and I survived. You’re a grown man. We’ll see if you do too.”

Something that was a whole big issue for these two for a good part of the book was the fact that Lorcan was immortal and Elide was not. I never really got why they were so worried about it. I don’t remember how I knew this, but I knew that fae had the ability to give up their immortality. So the whole time, I just expected that he would do this. Whenever he had an internal breakdown over the fact that she would grow old and die and he would be left behind to endure it, I was like. . . . . .give up your immortality??? If she means that much to you, which it clearly sounds like she does. I know that’s a thing that can be done, so why are we wasting so much angst on it?? Oh well, I’m glad he figured it out in the end. Elide and I were both very moved by it. (Although small side note: I hate when some characters in books are immortal and others are not. I still have PTSD about this from Clockwork Princess. Yes, the problem is rectified between the two of them, but it does not change the fact that Aelin and Rowan are immortal and are going to have to watch them wither and die one day. I hate it, I fucking hate it. I only like immortality if we’re ALL immortal!!!)

And of course, “Lord Lorcan Lochan” is utterly hilarious and perfect in every way. I love love LOVED their ending “Ask me to marry you” scene. Please give me more of them Sarah, I’m begging you.

And now, the time has come. . .the time to discuss my literal top two favorite characters in this entire series, the two that have rocked my world and turned it upside down the past couple years. MAKE WAY FOR MANON AND DORIAN, EVERYONE.

I guess I should preface this by saying that my preference for the Manorian ship went through a drastic and complete overhaul in the days following Empire of Storms. For those of you that don’t know, I was a MASSIVE die-hard Doraelin shipper back in the day. I held on all the way through Crown of Midnight and Heir of Fire. I REALLY thought this was where we were going in the end. I was completely convinced that we were going to come back in Queen of Shadows and discover that Dorian was Aelin’s mate, because even though he was Evil Valg Dorian, she wouldn't be able to hurt him. I thought the parallels in their stories were leading to an endgame romance. . .both had endured the traumatic deaths of their significant others, both had insanely powerful magic, and both were royalty, worthy of each other. Celaena belonged with Chaol, but I thought AELIN belonged with Dorian. I was CONVINCED this was where we were going, people. I didn’t even consider Rowan a potential love interest.

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

It became apparent pretty quickly that the Doraelin ship was tanking. I fought it for a while. It sucked. But I refused to abandon ship!!

Then things started get even more complicated, when Queen of Shadows was released, and there were hints of a Manorian ship. I didn’t take any of it seriously. It was honestly like a crack ship to me. I didn’t think anything would ever really come of it.

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

Then Empire of Storms came out and all the sudden it was like. . .Wait, this is real???

Initially. . .I fucking HATED this ship. I cursed it to the fiery pits of hell and waited for it to sink to oblivion. Any time Manon spoke, thought, or interacted with Dorian I was like

I was so protective of Dorian and so wound up in the Doraelin ship, that I could not accept anything to do with Manorian. I didn’t see how anything involving it would ever possibly work out. However, upon finishing Empire of Storms, things slowly started to change. Rowan was confirmed as Aelin’s mate, so there was no point in hanging on to anything there. My feelings toward Manon also changed dramatically in that book. I enjoyed her since the end of Heir of Fire, and genuinely liked her in Queen of Shadows, but Empire of Storms brought her up in my Top 3 Favorite Characters. Seeing where her story was going changed my whole viewpoint on this dramatically. I went back and read the Manorian parts with an open mind. About a week later, I was total Manorian trash.

I went into this book EXTREMELY excited for all the Manorian. Like I said, they are in my Top 3 Favorite Characters (the other being Aelin) separately. I think what I began to realize after Empire of Storms, that when I was obsessed with the idea of Doraelin, I think what I was really obsessed with was Dorian. I loved him so much that he was what I was hung up on. When I found Manorian, I was way WAY more into it than I EVER was with Doraelin. I don’t really have a super eloquent reason why I love him so much. It was pretty much love at first sight, I loved him ever since he strolled onto the page in Throne of Glass. I just latched onto him immediately. I loved the light heartedness he brought to the series back then. I loved that he loved to read, that he gave her a puppy (omg I will never be over that scene), that when he felt, he felt so deeply. (Plus I have a weakness for black hair and blue eyes, ok????). I sensed that there was so much more to him and I was right. When we found out that he had raw magic. . .*SWOON*.

He went through some dark shit in the past couple books, particularly this one. I have to say, I was shocked to see how “normal” he was thinking and behaving in Empire of Storms, after the ordeal he went through. He seemed shockingly unaffected. I don’t know if it was supposed to be delayed PTSD or what, because all the sudden it seemed like everything started surfacing in this book. Sorscha was brought up a LOT. Not that he doesn’t have a reason to be thinking about her, I just was surprised, because I barely remember her getting mentioned in EoS. He was so clearly mentally damaged here, it was legit painful for me to read. I can not tell you how much it hurt me every time he talked about going off and sacrificing himself to seal the Lock because no one would really care.

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD CARE, DORIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG BABY PLS DON’T SAY THIS!!!!!

His powers. . .I cannot even believe them. I swear to God, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK AELIN IS THE MOST POWERFUL?!?!? Her power is more outwardly catastrophic, but all she can work with is fire (and that tiny bit of water). Dorian’s got, and I quote, “Raw magic that could grant him any gifts: ice, flame, healing, heightened senses and strength. Perhaps shape shifting if he tried.” So you’re basically telling me that Dorian is Aelin, Rowan, Yrene, Aedion, AND Lysandra all wrapped up into one, PLUS God knows what else!!!!! YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yet. . .no one ever takes him seriously in this whole fucking series!!!!!!! It’s not that people are insulting or dismissing of him, necessarily, it’s just that no one seems to understand what a fucking powerhouse he really is. Everyone’s so concerned about Aelin and her magic and no one seems to even consider him. I’m over here like “Uhhhh guys??? Look at the power this guy wields. THIS seems like the guy I’d be fighting to recruit for my side!!” I think this is very likely why I liked Manorian so much. . .she seemed to immediately realize the depth of his power and respect it.

The fact that he mastered SHAPESHIFTING is just fucking INSANE!!!! Everyone makes such a big deal about Lysandra and it’s like. . .Dorian can do this too, plus also a million other things?? Like no big deal???? He’s so good and pure and just wants to be a better king than his father??? Plus he loves books and dogs??? Ugh, here’s my heart, just take it. I love him so much.

The whole time he was in Morath was honestly one of the most stressful times of the entire book. I just kept waiting and waiting for something terrible to happen. I didn’t know how I would handle it. When Maeve finally called him out and trapped him. . .

I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was preparing for the worst. But then, things started to get a little complicated. It was (mercifully) brief but there was really a time in my life when I ACTUALLY thought Dorian was going to marry Maeve. I really honestly thought he was going to go through with it for a hot minute and I honestly wanted to die. (More on my thoughts specifically about Maeve later). I had horrible flashbacks to Kai marrying Queen Levana in The Lunar Chronicles. I know he kind of said it was all a ruse, but he was so convincing and it went on for so long, that the lines started to blur for me and I was actually afraid we were going to go through with this.

“You want a kingdom? Then join mine. Ally with me, work with me to get what we need from Erawan, and I shall make you queen. Of a far bigger territory, with a people who will not rise up against you. A new start, I suppose.”

“The woman I love is dead. My kingdom is in pieces. What do I have to lose?”

“You came to Morath for a key and will leave with a bride.”

BUT THEN.

“It was as simple as an incision. To sever the link between their minds--and to sever another part of her.

To tie off the gift that allowed her to jump between places. To open those portals.

World-walker no longer, he said, as his raw magic shifted her own. Changed it’s very essence. I suggest you invest in a good pair of shoes.

And when he looked behind him, at the mountain and valley that reeked of death, at the place where so many terrible things had begun, Doran smiled and brought Morath’s towers crashing down.

I should have known to have better faith in him. He was just so amazing in this part and I was in total awe. I have a lot more feelings on him and what his future has in store, but I’ll save that for a little later.

I need to talk about Manon for a little bit.

Right now, my feelings on her are a complicated mix of

and

So, like I was kind of saying earlier. . .like a lot people, my opinion on Manon changed a lot throughout the series. I went from pretty much hating her, to loving her almost more than anyone else. It’s crazy how your opinion on someone can change so drastically after just one book. Empire of Storms made me see Manon in a whole new light. We already knew the direction her story was heading, of her finding her humanity and learning to love, but when we learned all the heartbreaking details about her parents, her half-sister, and the true depth of the evil her grandmother was capable of, it elevated things to another level for me. Her story now meant so much more and everything about her made me so emotional. I went back and re-read the entire Throne of Glass series before this came out and was absolutely blown away by how much I adored reading each of her parts. Her story with Abraxos. . .like omg I can’t. I get emotional and teary just thinking about it. And the Thirteen. . .The Thirteen. You know how sometimes when you read a book, you find yourself just latching on to certain characters, even if they’re not a central part of the story? You get irrationally excited reading about them and they take up a really special place in your heart? That’s how the Thirteen were for me. I absolutely loved them and thought they were so fucking awesome. Out of all them, I loved Asterin the most. I loved Asterin so much. Her story was, I think, one of the worst that anyone in that whole series experienced. To this day, I can’t read or think about it too closely because I can’t comprehend how awful it was. The fact that she went through all of that and was still so brave and good. . .it moves me to tears. And her loyalty to Manon. . .please don’t even get me started. The fact that she (and all of them, really, but especially her) was able to see the potential Manon had, far before Manon ever saw it in herself, and were so confident in it that she would follow her anywhere. . .kill me now. Their relationship really got me. Please don’t ever speak to me again about how it was being faced with having to kill Asterin that finally made Manon turn on her grandmother after an entire century. They were the ultimate Ride or Die duo and one of my favorite fictional friendships ever.

I pretty much expected one or some of the Thirteen to die in this book. Given the way Sarah handled A Court of Wing and Ruin, I didn’t think any of our main players would die. Yes, this was a very high stakes book, but I was pretty confident that all of those guys were getting a happy ending. Killing of some of the Thirteen would be tragic enough to where we would feel it, but it wouldn't be a total devastation to the story.

We should probably first start off by talking about the horrific beyond belief moment when Abraxos gets attacked. I swear to God, when that happened, I actually think I blacked out for a second. I REALLY honestly 100% thought he was going to die right there at that part. I remembered Sarah saying that the only guaranteed survivor of the series would be Fleetfoot, Aelin’s pet, but we didn’t hear anything about Manon’s. I’d said before this book that if anything happened to Abraxos, I’d probably go even more apeshit than Manon and just wouldn't be able to handle it. I briefly lost my absolute mind when this happened, and couldn’t function or even really read the words on the page until I knew he was going to be okay. It scared the living shit out of me.

When she told him she loved him. . .

I was still fucking reeling from THAT, when it happened. I was so shaken up and emotional at that point, that I didn’t even really realize what was happening at first. I seriously didn’t even understand. Then I started to get a horrible feeling but was still like No no no no no no, Sarah wouldn't really do this. It’s a trick. Then she started listing names and I realized what was happening. I was in denial all the way up until Asterin. At that point, I completely lost it. I had to put the book down and sob dramatically into my hands. I sat and cried on my bed for a good five minutes and couldn’t keep reading because I was so shocked and devastated.

(Side note: I had to stop reading then because it was getting so late and I didn’t really have the mental energy to continue anyway. I was basically a total and complete emotional mess at work the next day. I shouldn’t have been allowed around people.)

I couldn’t believe it. I still really can’t. I’m still a pretty big mess about it. I might even go so far as to say that this is the most upset I’ve been about a fictional death. . .ever? I know that’s a bold statement and I’m still raw to everything, but I really honestly think it might be. I’ve been mourning them like people I actually knew ever since I finished.

Most of these intense emotions come from my feelings on Manon. The way I view her is so completely different now. I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through from this. It’s overwhelming. Other than Abraxos, the Thirteen were all she had. She had no one else. Losing them is essentially the same as someone losing their entire family AND friends all at the same time and having to watch. All when you’re just coming to terms with things like emotion, friendship, and love, and possibly gaining hope for a better future for the first time in your life. Aelin went through a lot, and I know that, but I really don’t think there’s anyone in this series that is was more damaged than Manon was over the course of her life. I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about how they like that she’s so fierce and independent and don’t want to see her change who she is for the sake of a ship or whatever other reason. I have no doubt that Manon is fierce and independent and many other wonderful things. But there is a big difference between fierceness and independence and the way she was living her life before this series. She was abused and brainwashed into being a heartless killer with suppressed emotions, point blank. She was repeatedly told by her only (or so she thought) family member that she didn’t have a heart or a soul and the only things that mattered in life were discipline and brutality. This is not normal or healthy in any way. Not everyone has to be a super cuddly fuzzy person, but this kind of extreme lifestyle is destructive and harmful. I was never interested in seeing Manon lose her entire identity and become a domestic little wifey to someone DORIAN but learning to love and care for others? Taking all that she’s capable of and putting it towards fighting for good? Absolutely. To me, that’s not Manon’s character being ruined. It’s her character being improved.

So when you stop and think about who she was when we met her and how, really, she could have lived her life as a completely normal person, the damage that was plainly done to her is astounding. I think she’s slowly starting to come to terms with this, which is very hard for her, because I’m sure she has never thought of herself as a victim even once in her life. Adding this into the mix is so painful I can barely even think about it. When she went down onto the field after it was all over, knelt on the spot where the Yielding happened, and wept for them. . .that hurt. It hurt a LOT. Seeing Manon cry was harder than seeing any other character in that entire series cry.

Oh, and let’s also not forget that Abraxos lost his mate. Like. . .actually kill me now.

Like I said, the way I think of her is so completely different now. The grief she has to be going through is staggering. You do not suffer that kind of loss and then continue to be the same person. I know she was growing closer with her Crochan relatives, but who does she REALLY have?? Is she okay?? Can she talk to someone? I know she’s strong and I know she’s tough as nails, but she was so clearly destroyed by this that I just worry for her so much.

This is also made even more sad by the fact that before this I was riding SUCH a high with her part of the story!!! I knew that winning over the Crochans was NOT going to be an easy task and I was so curious to see how she would handle it. They definitely had a rocky start but it was all made right for me in the end.

“All my life,” Manon said, her voice wavering only slightly, “I have been fed a lie. A lie about who we are, what we are. That we are monsters, and proud to be.” She ran a finger over the scrap of red fabric binding her braid. “But we were made into them. Made,” she repeated, “When we might be so much more.”

“The choice of how our people’s future shall be shaped is yours,” Manon told each of the witches assembled, all the Blackbeaks who might fly to war and never return. “But I will tell you this.” Her hands shook, and she fisted them on her thighs. “There is a better world out there. And I have seen it.”

“I have seen witch and human and Fae dwell together in peace. And it is not a weakness to do so, but a strength. I have met kings and queens whose love for their kingdoms, their people, is so great that the self is secondary. Whose love for their people is so strong that even in the face of unthinkable odds, they do the impossible.”

Manon lifted her chin. “You are my people. Whether my grandmother decrees it so or not, you are my people, and always will be. But I will fly against you, if need be, to ensure that there is a future for those who can not fight for it themselves. Too long have we prayed on the weak, relished doing so. It is time that we became better than our foremothers. There is a better world out there,” she said again. “And I will fight for it. Will you?”

YES MANON!!!!!!! Go back and read her first few chapters in Heir of Fire, and then come look at this. She has changed so much over the series. Her character growth is honestly profound.

And then the scene where she takes on all of the Matrons. . .

She knew no one would be there if she looked. Knew no one else could see them, sense them, standing with her. Standing with their daughter against the witch who had destroyed them.

Her grandmother spat on the ground, barring her rusted teeth.

This death, though. . .

It was not her death to claim.

It did not belong to the parents whose spirit’s lingered at her side, who might have been there all along, leading her towards this. Who had not left her, even with death separating them.

No, it did not belong to them, either.

She looked behind her. Toward the Second waiting beside Dorian.

Tears slid down Asterin’s face. Of pride--pride and relief.

Manon beckoned to Asterin with an iron-tipped hand.

SHE WAS GOING TO LET ASTERIN KILL HER. I CAN’T HANDLE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah. . .to see the epic place her character was going and then have that happen. . .it’s not fair, it’s so completely not fair. I wanted them all to see the Wastes together. I wanted Asterin to find happiness again--even though a good friend of mine made the point that her happiness was getting Manon where she needed to be and destroying the Matron. She did what she always wanted to do and now she’s at peace. This is 100% true and makes sense, but it still hurts. It hurts thinking about the REAL friendship her and Manon could have had from this point on. Ugh, now I’m sad again. I just really really want Manon to be okay.Now, as far as the actual Manorian goes. . .some things were a lot like how I expected and other things were NOT like what I expected. I didn’t really expect Dorian to be so emo in this book but I did fully expect them to have a “You do care--you care so much it scares you and you’re running away because you’re terrified” conversation. I’ve seen some people saying that their relationship doesn’t really seem to have much basis or foundation and they’re just using each other for sex to avoid talking about their feelings. As big of a Manorian shipper as I am, I can kind of see some accuracy in this. I think that’s kind of the point, though. The relationship started out this way and over time, they slowly begin to grow attached and see each other as more than a physical distraction. They are both good people at their core who are going through a lot. I think watching the other one overcome their struggles plays a big part in where this attachment comes from. The two of them have always been able to see each other so clearly, even when no one else could. There is an undeniable connection in that regard, for whatever reason. Dorian’s experience with Sorscha and the Valg prince and Manon’s experience in, well, basically this entire series, changed them significantly. I think both of their character arcs actually have a lot of similarities, some of which are even discussed in this book (coming to terms with hating the person who raised them). I think both of them are just beginning the process of figuring out who they want to be in life, which makes me really firmly believe we haven’t seen the last of them.

We’re not done with them yet. We can’t be. Sarah HAS to have some kind of project with them up her sleeve. This story is just begging to be written and I really can’t imagine that it wouldn't be. Kingdom of Ash ended with both of them physically safe, with positive seeming futures, but neither one are really even close to being whole and happy in any sense of the words. Dorian knows he wants to be a better king than his father but he very clearly has no self worth and is struggling a lot as far as what his place in the world is. Manon’s problems are self explanatory. She’s dealing with the horrific aftermath of losing every person she had in the world. Both of them are about to head off to kingdoms that are basically in shambles and try to do right by them, even though they are both internally suffering. Both Aelin and Chaol had books that were pretty much solely dedicated to their mental wellbeing--finding their self worth, their place in the world, and walking back that path to the light. They were both intensely powerful and emotional books. I just can’t imagine she would leave Manon and Dorian the way she did and not plan to give them something like this as well. Because they both really deserve it.

And, okay, I deserve it too!!!! My babies are suffering, therefore I’M suffering!!!!!!

Another thing that really makes me think this might happen is that I feel Sarah also has more she wants to do with Ansel. She offered to share the Wastes with Manon at the end of this book, so they’d be in the same place anyway. Ansel’s probably also not in a very good place at this point, after going through the death of all of her men (weren’t their heads being, like, catapulted or something? Gross). She lost all (or at least many) or her loyal followers, and so did Manon.

There were also those weird implications that something’s going on between her and Rolfe and Illias I think?? I’m very confident that Sarah has more to tell with that story as well. So basically, I’m just going to be sitting here waiting until this story is told.

Moving on to the Cadre. When we first met most of them in Empire of Storms, I was kind of meh. I couldn’t keep all the names straight and remember who’s tragic backstory was who’s. But my re-read did make me connect with them a lot more. Lorcan, I’ve already discussed. Gavriel. . .I always basically just felt sorry for him. Basically, I thought Aedion was an overly dramatic little bitch (as per usual with him) towards him in Empire of Storms. Look, dude. I get it. You never knew your father and lived your whole life living in resentment of him because you assumed he impregnated your mother and took off, leaving her to raise you alone. Yes, that IS what happened, but then we find out that Gavriel didn’t even know that Aedion existed. When he finds out he has a son, he is FLOORED, emotional, and wants to meet him. He did not know that Aedion’s mother was pregnant. Not responsible, I’ll definitely give you that. But it’s like, Aedion. . .how many people have YOU had casual sex with??? Every man (I’m sorry. . . “male”) in this series is described as some incredible sex god, whose bedroom prowess is legendary and has no equal. That’s gotta come from somewhere. Aedion was no virgin when we met him and neither was ANY other guy we met. I don’t see a ring on his finger so clearly he’s had relations with someone and then discontinued the relationship. Aedion’s mother purposefully worked so hard to keep the knowledge of Aedion’s existence from anyone in Wendlyn, including Gavriel, because she was so afraid of Maeve. This is not Gavriel’s fault. To me, this is like people getting mad that people in the ACOTAR universe treat Rhys like a bad guy, when Rhys acted like a bad guy and WANTED people to think he was a bad guy for fifty years. It’s not fair that Aedion had to grow up without a father, but he was not brought up this way because Gavriel is some flaky dirtbag who abandoned his child and didn’t give a crap about him. Aedion’s attitude towards him in Empire of Storms was, I thought, extremely harsh. Gavriel is so good, so honorable, and all he wants is to know his son. He worries so much about being “worthy” of his son, and I’m over here kind of like. . . “Ugh, dude, he’s the one not worthy of YOU”.

Despite my steadfast defense of him just now, I wasn’t too torn up over his death. I think probably what happened was just that I was so fucked up from the death of the Thirteen already that there really wasn’t much left in me to feel anything towards this. I was so shaken by that that I don’t know what it would have taken to get my thoughts off of it. If Gavriel’s death had come first, I think it would have been much more sad for me. It was also exactly the kind of death I expected. . .sad, meaningful, but not too devastating, where we’re losing anyone major. It was sad to see Aedion sad over him, though. That could have been a really beautiful relationship. I’m not unfeeling towards it, it was just no where NEAR the things I felt about the Thirteen. So it kind of got overshadowed.

NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME AWARD GOES TO FENRYS.

My feelings for him hit me like a mega bus and I was not prepared for it. Like I said, I was very meh on the Cadre before this but man, this guy won me over in this book. The fact that he was forced to witness Aelin’s torture. . .ugh, I can’t. I feel like that would be enough to make me lose my mind in about a day. I don’t know how he managed to keep any kind of sanity throughout that. I think the bond that they formed, even without the Blood Oath, is something incredibly deep and unbreakable. I can’t imagine how much it must have. . .helped? I don’t know if I can even use that word because there was nothing positive about that situation whatsoever, but I think having Fenrys there was probably what kept Aelin from going off some deep end that she could never come back from. Just knowing that there was one person there who was good, and cared about you, and knew the extent of your suffering. . .in a situation as horrific as she was in, this one little kernel of goodness most likely made an astronomical difference. The form of communication they formed through the blinking. . .I am here, I am with you.

I bawled like a freaking little baby when he finally broke through Maeve’s Blood Oath to come to her defense and then she gave him her Blood Oath to keep him from dying. Their relationship really gave me all the feels and I just love him so much now. I’m super interested in where his story is going. There was something mentioned at some point about him going off on some mission? Somewhere? For something? I can’t remember, but I know there was something. I’m betting my own paycheck he gets his own book.

I also wanted to touch briefly on Connall, and the way things ended with him. I’ve seen a lot of people cursing his name, saying good riddance, and that Fenrys deserves way better, which is shocking to me, because of the way I interpreted what Connall did. I could be completely wrong on this, but when I read this I assumed he was under Maeve’s control when he said it. Like she was making him say those things. What he said was definitely awful and uncalled for. It just didn’t make sense to me because him and Fenrys obviously have a really close bond because Fenrys was willing to bind himself to Maeve and basically be her sex slave to protect him. If Maeve could make him stab himself to death, I bet she could make him say those things. I read it kind of like the visions she was giving Rowan and Lorcan at the end, where Lyria and Elide were saying all that awful shit to them that they would obviously never say in real life. . .basically taking their own insecurities and inner demons and projecting them. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. And him and Maeve are both dead so I don’t know how we’d ever find out one way or another. Maeve was just so evil in this book that I viewed that whole scene as just one more torture device. I really can’t believe he just died that early on in the book! I fully expected a dramatic twin rescue/coming together storyline. Poor Fenrys :(

And honestly who the eff even is Vaughn????? Every time he was brought up, I was like. . .????? Who???! I feel like there has to be some purpose to him for him to even be created, and I’m still waiting!! (Another thing that gives me hope for more books in this world!)

Also, literally LOLing at the fact that Aedion was so upset in Queen of Shadows that Rowan took “THE” Blood Oath and not him and now Aelin literally has like 500 people Blood Oathed to her. Seriously, every member of the Cadre! See Aedion? It all worked out.

I thought all of the villains met their endings in very poetic and satisfying ways. Manon’s grandmother’s death, even though it absolutely killed me, was 100000% perfect and no other way would have been as satisfying. We knew Asterin had to do it (I just didn’t expect it to be a kamikaze mission!!!!!!). I lost track of the body Erawan was in. I know for a while he was Duke Perrington but I thought I remembered somewhere along the way reading that he wasn’t anymore. Wasn’t he in Dorian’s cousin, that guy Roland? The hot young blonde guy?? Was that who he was in this? I honestly don’t know. Either way, he was as evil as ever. Morath just seemed like one giant hellhole and anything to do with him grossed me out. One of the worst parts of the whole thing for me was finding out that he actually desired Manon and wanted her as his queen and for breeding.

The fact that he got melted away into nothing and totally obliterated by Yrene (AND DORIAN, PLEASE DON’T FORGET HIM!!!!!!!!) really is pathetic. That’s the best word Yrene could have picked to use then. The whole idea of her being the one to end him and not Aelin was a little jarring for me at first, just because it’s so normal for the main protagonist to take down the main villain, but I like this end for him way way better than him just being banished to another world. 1) I don’t trust those gods at all (more on that later) and 2) If he found his way in once, he could find his way in again. This way he’s gone and gone for good. Good riddance!!

Maeve. . .I was confused af over Maeve the entire time. She’s vile, horrible, morbid, and evil as hell, but once we found out her motive in Tower of Dawn, I really didn’t understand why she wasn’t siding with Aelin. She’s basically devoted her entire existence into keeping herself hidden from the Valg kings so she doesn’t have to go home to their awful dimension or whatever. The Valg kings tried to come here specifically so they could find her and hunt her down. Aelin is actively and openly trying to destroy Erawan and permanently banish him from this world. ?????? Sounds like a no-brainer to me?? If you were that concerned about him finding you and being there, I don’t know why she wouldn't at least make a temporary alliance with Aelin, then turn on her once he was gone (basically like she ended up trying to do with Dorian). I know she really wanted the Blood Oath from Aelin because she wanted to use her as a weapon, but I feel like given the present circumstances, all of that could have waited until Erawan was destroyed. Then go after her hard core for the Blood Oath. It got to a certain point though, where I didn’t even care about this anymore. What she had done to Aelin was so astronomically horrific that there was no coming back from it. All I wanted was for her to die. . .painfully. Once she started talking with Dorian, I got really REALLY nervous that this alliance was actually going to happen, and like I said, by that point I didn’t want it, no matter how much sense it made. I was so emotionally exhausted that I was having a hard time figuring out who was manipulating who in that situation. Thank God it never ended up happening. I kind of wanted Aelin to be the one to end her, but really, all of the Cadre suffered under her thumb so much that really any one of them would have been justified. Fenrys was definitely within his rights. I am not a supporter of violence, but Aelin’s beheading of her after that brought me so much satisfaction.

And now I guess there’s really only one thing to talk about left. The Fire Breathing Bitch Queen herself, the Faerie Queen of the West, Aelin of the Wildfire, and all her many other titles. And Rowan. . .can’t forget about him, can we?

I’ll admit, my feelings on them as a couple have not been generous since Queen of Shadows. I loved their relationship in Heir of Fire. It was one of my favorite things about the entire book. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed reading a completely platonic male/female friendship that went so deep they would die for each other until I read one--there are so few out there that it wasn’t something I had much experience with. I am NOT complaining about romance--romance is my favorite thing in any story and I will never complain about it’s presence in literature. But this was really kind of refreshing and felt so special. The fact that it played such a big part in Aelin’s emotional recovery and, essentially her rebirth, made it feel even more special. Whenever I heard someone mention themselves being “Team Rowan”, I was genuinely shocked. I never even considered that as a legit ship prior to QoS (sort of like how I was with Manorian. . .LOL@me). So when Queen of Shadows started and suddenly things were very NOT platonic, I was extremely taken aback. It was just not at all what I was expecting, and everything about their relationship, which I loved so much before, felt completely different. All the sudden we were talking about having self control with nightgowns, tormenting each other about not wearing underwear to assassination missions, thinking of licking each other, and oh yes, I actually really felt this way about you ALL ALONG!!! I just never said it! I didn’t buy it. Going back and re-reading the series from start to finish again helped, because there wasn’t a 2 year gap in between Heir of Fire and Queen of Shadows. It made the transition a little more smooth and it did seem more believable this time around. The first time though. . . I didn’t see a scrap of evidence to suggest that this was feasible and was convinced that somewhere in the gap between HoF and QoS, Sarah got the hots for Rowan and decided that Aelin did too. To this day, I’m still not a big fan of the way the two of them treated other people in Queen of Shadows. It bothered me how once Rowan showed up, no one seemed to matter to Aelin. That might not be entirely fair, and I’m sure someone could present a counter argument to this, but I still got vibes of this even upon my recent re-read. This is partially a personal problem I have with Sarah’s writing. . .that once the main love interest is in the picture, suddenly everything becomes a comparison with absolutely everyone and everything. NO ONE can compare to the utter perfection of The Main Love Interest in any way, shape, or form. The Main Love Interest’s actions and words seem like they are done purely to showcase what utter failures everyone else is with their actions and words. . .even if Main Character had no problem with them in previous books. They are feminists, action-takers, sensitive, intuitive sex gods, and how ever did the Main Character not see what she was putting up with before him?????? It’s over the top and I start to find it obnoxious. I get the feelings like this Main Love Interest is being shoved down my throat, like I’m being given no choice but to love and adore him, because he is such Utter Perfection that it makes no logical sense not to. This is RAMPANT in ACOTAR (don’t even get me started) and I most definitely think it started to show itself here. Not nearly as extreme (seriously, I could rant about it forever), but there were definitely moments. I’m telling you, it’s not a coincidence. Aelin comes back from Wendlyn and suddenly Chaol is utter dirt. Even though one book prior to that, she was calling him her “home” and being moved to tears by him because he made her see the world the way it should be. Chaol was willing to give up his position and follow her anywhere, he wanted to marry her, but then Wait a second, she has magic?? Sorry, I take it back, she’s an unpredictable monster and I want nothing to do with her.

I could go through more examples but I won’t bore you with them. But seriously. . .I didn’t even like the Chaolena ship but the way it went down (before Tower of Dawn) was so cringey. I was put off by how Rowan showed up in Queen of Shadows and starts stomping all over Aedion, even though Aedion is her family and has lived literally his entire life dedicated to her (I felt really sorry for Aedion in QoS ok??) Basically, the vibe I was getting was that no one was of any real importance except for Rowan anymore and it made their romantic relationship just be too much for me to handle (it didn’t help that my salty ass was still holding out hardcore for a Doraelin end game but we won’t talk about that). The re-read I just did helped a LOT with this. Normally once I’m given time to accept something in a series (and two years is a nice long time to accept it) I can come to terms with things nicely and end up enjoying it, or at least take it for what it is. It’s just that if something doesn’t happen the way I expect it to, there’s a bit of a rough adjustment period. This adjustment has definitely happened. This time, I read Heir of Fire looking for hints at a romantic pairing and I found them. I still don’t entirely have completely positive feelings for the way the two of them behave as a couple through the later two books (particularly QoS) and I don’t think that will ever really go away, but like I said, this is just a pet peeve of mine with Sarah’s writing in general. It’s not enough to make me seriously dislike them. And I have to say. . .I felt that this little issue was cleared up entirely in Kingdom of Ash.

Aelin had been through so much by that point that she just really needed one solid person to be 100% there for her, in any way that she needed. That was what I felt Rowan’s role was in Kingdom of Ash. For all the talk of him being “the most powerful purebred Fae male in all the history of the world blah blah blah whatever”, I felt that his role as Aelin’s supporter far outshone any kind of magical ability or battle skill he brought to the table. Sure, he fought in battles and used his magic, and shape-shifted and it was really impressive, but the scenes that were standout for me were the scenes were he was comforting Aelin, or calming Aelin, or reassuring her, or anything like that. In all the turmoil that she was facing in so many directions, Rowan was a constant and steady rock throughout all of it. Sometimes I even started feeling like he was MY link to sanity. The problems they were facing would start to seem so overwhelming and hopeless and Rowan would be there to lean on in whatever way we needed. He acknowledged that he knew she was tired and that what she had gone through and what was being asked of her wasn’t fair. But at the same time, he constantly drew on the strength of her heart, her heart of wildfire that he knew would never fail her (which was pretty much exactly what it ended up coming down to. . .look at Rowan, making me emotional!!!). He always seemed to know exactly what to do or say and never stifled her. She was always making her own decisions, even ones that would seriously affect the outcome of a lot of really important things, but were still hers to make on her own. I remember one thing that comforted me immensely was when she reminded him that they still had her sacrifice to face at the end of all of this, and he told her that when that time came, they would face it together, as one soul in two bodies. Normally I am SO not about this literal “I die when you die” (looking at you, Feysand) but I’ll admit. . .in this instance, I was like Yes, thank you, her and I both needed to hear that. The thought of her facing that alone was so overwhelming, depressing, and scary. He had already been alive for so long and he didn’t have any real commitments like children or a kingdom or whatever. I know it sounds really really morbid to be thinking this way and I acknowledge that this is kind of fucked up, but I loved that he just viewed it as, “It’s nothing to be afraid of because if it does come down to that, I’ll go and go with you. We won’t be separated no matter what”. Like I said, she had gone through so much at that point that I was like. . .yes, give her this.

Basically, I just want to give it up to Rowan for being such a solid calming presence and force throughout this entire book. So much was being thrown at them, but he never balked even once. I never felt like he was part of some obnoxious comparison, like his actions were being showcased to display how shitty someone else was being. Whatever came at them, he would always take it, no matter how overwhelming, for Aelin. He was exactly what she needed throughout this entire experience. Round of applause for you, Rowan.

(The only thing that mildly disappointed me about Rowan was the whole “I actually never loved Lyria as much as I said I did, I really wanted it to be YOU who was my mate the whole time.” Like. 1) I don’t buy that. He loved Lyria and the death of her and their child destroyed him. And 2) If you want to think that, go ahead and think that, but saying it out loud like that is not fair to that poor girl. She was literally set up to be a pawn in Maeve’s shitty little morbid games with you and Aelin. The least you can do is give her and her memory the respect she deserves. But it’s Sarah. I have to expect that SOME things like this are going to happen. Overall it still didn’t affect the way I felt about him).

Aelin herself. . .I can’t even fully begin to describe my feelings on Aelin in this book, and in this entire series. Like I said, I had some gripes on the way some of her ships were dealt with, but overall, she is, and still remains, one of the characters that means the most to me out of every series I’ve read. I honestly draw so much courage and strength from her, as corny as that may sound. I went into this book not really knowing what to expect with her. We knew she was in a really bad situation, but. . .I was not prepared for just how bad it was going to be.

Reading Aelin’s torture scenes were honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever read in my entire life. I had to start skimming some of the worst parts because I was getting nauseous. I am not a person with a high tolerance for pain. . .I am the classic “stub my toe and cry” kind of girl. So reading those scenes with Cairn. . .my little brain could not comprehend what she was going through. I was in hysterics with pretty much every one. I kept thinking “this is the worst one, it can’t get any worse than this”, and then it inevitably would. (Although I still kind of think the winner for that goes to the scene with the glass. . .I seriously can’t even picture that, I start to crawl out of my skin). Aelin is a character who is so strong and tough, that when she breaks down and cries, it kills me (kind of like Manon). The scene where she’s crying in the box after some horrific torture scene, and she has that vision of her mother, who tells her, “You’ve been very brave, for so very long. . .But you must be brave a little while longer, my Fireheart.”

That scene just absolutely killed me. I think about myself, when I’ve had a long day at work, and just feel so beaten down and put-upon by the world, when nothing seems to be going right and even though I’m well into my twenties, all I want is my mom. I want her there to listen, to let me lean on her a little, in the way good moms do. Having Evalin appear to Aelin in that moment, when she’s going through all of that really really got me. And then of course, it leads to that surge of power that Rowan and the others feel, that points them to her.

It filled him with sound, with fire and light. As if it screamed, again and again, I am alive, I am alive, I am alive.

The dumbest thing that Maeve could have done was to move her. As soon as she said she was doing that, I knew she was making a fatal mistake. The level of cruel irony though, in the fact that Aelin heard about the Valg mask Maeve was supposedly going to get and tried to provoke Cairn into going too far and killing her, when the Crew had concocted this story to draw Maeve away was almost too much for me to handle.

I have slightly mixed feelings about her rescue scene. I do kind of like that she played a big part in saving herself, because she is nothing if not strong and capable. However. . .Aelin was so convinced that no one was coming for her and had given so much for so long that I kind of wanted to see everyone prove her wrong. The dramatic side of me wanted a dramatic rescue scene. Also, if Maeve didn’t want her to have any chance of escaping, she shouldn’t have had the healers stop her muscles from atrophying. I know she wanted her strong to be her weapon, but that just seems like too much of a risk while she’s in captivity. If the healers can do that creepy shit with her skin where all her scars are gone, I’m sure they could have fixed her muscles in the exact moment Maeve needed them to.

I don’t know who was more hysterical in the “Take it off” scene. . .Aelin or me.

I felt the loss of her scars deeply!!! I was kind of surprised at how much. I don’t think that’s really weird because I think she did too. Yes, most of them signified horrible things that she went through, but they were a part of her. They showed that she was a survivor. The whole thing with the tattoos Rowan put on her over her whipping scars, and the promise thing on her hand to Nehemia. . .there was so much emotion and a story behind so many of them. It was extremely strange to think of her without them. The PTSD aside, I don’t blame her for not feeling like herself for a while.

Ultimately, I feel like in this book, Aelin became the perfect balance of herself. Watching her come back into herself, and become this wise, powerful, humble, strong queen was incredible. She’s learned to rely more on others and has both softened and hardened around the edges. She’s always been amazing and strong, but in this book I really felt like I was reading about a rightful and deserving queen of an entire nation. She’ll always have self-sacrificing tendencies, because that’s just who she is (I think it’s like a cardinal rule that main protagonists have to have this problem), but I really enjoyed seeing her express how grateful she was for everyone who played a part in their journey.

Going into this, I didn’t even begin to try and guess how the whole “The Queen Who Was Promised” thing would be resolved. The only thing I was 10000000000% confident on was the fact that Aelin was not going to actually die in this book. I had no fear regarding that. Now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t think a lot of awful and heartbreaking shit was going to go down before we got there (And boy, did it). I had no better solution to offer to fix the problem of Brannon/Mala’s descendent having to offer their life. I didn’t think it would be some dumb loophole like Dorian’s brother (wtf happened to him anyway??), but I couldn’t think of anything else. I know Aelin kind of took it upon herself to be her problem (which she tends to do) but I really agreed with Dorian whenever he pointed out that it was just as much his burden as it was hers. . .at least by the point they were at. I obviously love Dorian, so I didn’t WANT it to be, but you couldn’t really argue his logic. When they came up with the idea of both of them going to forge the Lock, so probably/maybe/hopefully it would only need to take half of each of them, I was like. . .It’s too easy. Something else has to go wrong.

What I can tell you I NEVER would have guessed is the freaking King of Adarlan popping up out of nowhere.

LOL when he was like “Let me do this. Let me finish this.” I was like YEP, SURE, TAKE IT, BYE. COME ON GUYS, LET’S GO. But of course Aelin has to question it. If it were me I’d be like Sounds awesome, see ya!!!!!!!!!!

And then he’s all “Nameless is my price. . .EXACTLY kids, what’s my name???” and I’m like

Wasn’t this. . .a fandom joke??? This is really what’s happening??? I mean sure, okay, I’m glad it’s not one of them but I seriously can not believe this is where we’re going with this. I always thought the fact that he didn’t have a name made him ten times creepier. I didn’t think it actually meant anything, I just thought it was for dramatic effect. . .the King of Hybern in ACOTAR doesn’t have one either.

But okay, here’s the problem I have with this. While this is all fine and dandy that he’s actually a decent caring person who’s just been possessed this whole time and wants to help them. . .he’s already dead. How does this count?? I thought this whole thing was that someone had to sacrifice their life. He just pops up as a dead spirit and volunteers for it to be him. Like dude, I appreciate the gesture, but why would this be considered the same thing as Aelin or Dorian or even freaking Hollin doing it?? I swear, I’ve wracked my brains over this forever and still can’t make sense of it.

The one thing I was honestly bummed about with this scene was the fact that Aelin never got to see any of her beloved dead. I thought when this Lock forging business was going on, we were going to get a scene like in Deathly Hallows, where Aelin somehow gets to see the people she loves who have died. I thought she was going to see her parents and Nehemia and Sam and they’d tell her they loved her but she had to go back because her life wasn’t over yet. It’s probably good that that didn’t happen. The little message the King gave her was bad enough. This probably would have been too much for me to handle.

Ok, now first of all fuck all of these gods. Good riddance to all of them. I know what Elena did was a giant mistake, but her intentions were good and completely obliterating her like that so her loved ones would never see her in the Afterlife is really harsh. Although I found it kind of hilarious that after ALL THAT STRIFE to get to the damn point where we were at, which had the end goal ALL ALONG of getting Erawan banished, Aelin decided to bargain for Elena’s soul instead, I still thought Elena deserved some forgiveness and a reprieve. So when the gods went all

evaporated her anyway AND left without taking Erawan I was like

GOOD RIDDANCE TO ALL OF THEM. And man, poor Elena. Poor Gavin. They really got a raw deal for their ending.

After this, she gets saved last minute by Mala because of what she tried to do for Elena. Awesome. But part of me is like. . .if there was a way for this to be possible all along, why didn’t we just do this in the first place, Mala??? You think this girl who has already suffered so much deserved to die for this?? You couldn’t have thrown her a bone a little earlier?? It all worked out, so whatever, I guess. And I loved how there was that emphasis placed on her heart leading her back home, how it connected to her mom saying her heart would always be the strongest part of her, no matter what. That one got me right in the emotions.

And then Aelin gets sent hurtling on her little inner-dimension joyride and WHO DOES SHE COME ACROSS???????!!!?? RHYS AND FEYRE ARE IN THRONE OF GLASS NOW, ARE THEY SARAH!?!!!?! HEAVILY PREGNANT FEYRE IS IN THRONE OF GLASS, IS SHE?!?!??!!?!

I had a mild aneurysm reading this scene. I know most of you did too.

(Have to take a second and remark over the fact that even as Aelin is in high distress, being thrown through multiple worlds and dimensions, she pauses and remarks over how Rhys is “beautiful beyond reason”. . .classic Sarah. She literally can’t even help herself).

I think it was fitting that what Aelin ended up sacrificing and losing was her Firebringer gift. That was honestly just too much power for one person to handle and I feel like it would have continued to cause more problems that it solved, especially with her being immortal. Look how far Maeve went to gain control over her and use her as a weapon. I’m sure many others would attempt the same thing over the course of her immortal life.

And as far as her losing the human side of her goes. . .to me, that was more of a symbolic loss than one that physically hurt and we felt the absence of. When was the last time she even assumed her human form? I already thought of her as pretty much completely fae at this point, so it wasn’t something I felt a gaping loss over. I get the symbolism behind it though, and understand that Aelin probably feels it way more than I do.

I loved the happy ending that Aelin got. I loved seeing her charge into Orynth on the Lord of the North. I loved that she faced Erawan and Maeve without her Firebringer gift and still came out on top (it was so reminiscent of Book 1 Aelin, who I fell in love with). I loved that she gained the support of the lords because they’re softies for Evangeline like everyone else in the world is. I loved seeing her finally be crowned Queen of Terrasen. I sobbed throughout her entire coronation. You know what else I absolutely wept through?????

She felt as if she had been crying without end for minutes now.

Yet this parting, this final farewell. . .

Aelin looked at Chaol and Dorian and sobbed. Opened her arms to them, and wept as they held each other.

“I love you both,” she whispered. “And no matter what may happen, no matter how far we may be, that will never change.”

“We’ll see you again,” Chaol said, but even his voice was thick with tears.

“Together,” Dorian breathed, shaking. “We’ll rebuild this world together.”

She couldn’t stand it, this ache in her chest. But she made herself pull away and smile at their tear-streaked faces, a hand on her heart. “Thank you for all you have done for me.”

If there’s one thing that gets me in a series, it’s nostalgia for earlier books. Seeing the three of them standing here like this, after all the pain all of them went through, looking at where they are now and how much they all love each other. . .I could not handle my emotions.

I guess there’s really not much else to talk about. I know there will be little things that I think of here and there, probably for a long long time. . .like I said, there was SO MUCH in this book that consuming it all was overwhelming. As much as there was, like always with the end of a series, somehow it wasn’t enough. I still want to read about Aelin’s long-awaited rule over Terrasen, how Dorian and Manon heal from their losses, find inner peace, and take their place as leaders. I want to know about Fenrys and what his future holds, how Evangeline grows up and becomes a force to be reckoned with, about Chaol and Yrene’s baby, and Lorcan and Elide, and every wonderful person I’ve come to know in this series. This characters have come to mean so much to me and will always hold an extremely special place in my heart. I’m so grateful to have gotten to meet them through these books and am so proud of the people they have all become. They lit up my darkness in a time that I needed it.

So I’ll dry my tears. And I’ll be grateful.

Until we meet again xx.

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