#this is just a v long ramble that im not sure makes much sense honestly or will be readable to anyone but myself at this point but eh

[drewsaturday]

i've had such a weird relationship with making fanon things lately for a few diff reasons i think.

i haven't rly been inspired enough to take things beyond my thoughts and make an actual thing out of them. part of this is probs bc of my medication. the other part is that...

i don't have the time to dig too deeply into my favorite things rn. this means i don't dig up new parts to feel excited about, i don't feel Qualified to carry those ideas out bc my understanding of the source material is so limited and people expect waaaay too much quality from fanworks these days, and i feel like i'll never be able to finish what i start anyway.

lastly, i've been doing fandom so repetitively i'm just... tired? of the same thing over and over again. i work on a thing, i polish the thing, i post the thing, i wait for feedback that is either nice/mean/empty, rinse and repeat. the solution would be to just not post these things, but why go through all that effort to carry something up out of an idea stage then since that's what makes me most excited? and if i spend the time drafting, it feels like a waste of time since it's not going to go anywhere.

i do think a lot of this is medication, because it dulls Just how insane i am capable of getting about a thing. in the past i would have sooo much drive because i felt like if i didn't make a thing, i'd explode. i don't rly get that anymore, at least not in a big enough burst to keep me working on things very long.

i've instead been thinking a lot about diving into original content because... although i make everything for fun, i think original stuff has way less of the above issues attached.

there's no time limit. i'm not... "competing" for being able to get an idea done first, or trying to get a fanfic out while there's still hype over a show, or worrying about my work being ooc compared to someone else's, or worrying the fandom landscape i vibe with is going to change when people move on.

it's theoretically not as repetitive. i'm sure the things i'm interested in shows are similar to what i come up with from my brain, and i could just try to make different things for fandom than i'm used to. but i am kind of tired of my inability to do anything besides hurt/comfort oneshots for the same kind of pairing over and over again. this would force me to actually develop other shit too lmfao.

it's Technically something i could profit off of if i really wanted to, making it less of a waste of time. for fandom, it feels like a waste of time if i'm not putting a fanon thing out for other fans to see. it also feels like i put a ton of work into my own little understanding of a show--fleshing out backstories and worldbuilding etc. so if i move onto another fandom... it feels like it was all for nothing, esp if i don't make something from it all. ideally i would be doing it just for the fun but there needs to be some balance with what i consider pay-off. and since i usually don't stay motivated long enough to do these big huge projects, or people move on, or other people do the idea first because i work so slow, it's just gotten rly un-motivating.

there's like, layers of motivation imo. i like a thing and i get excitement about making stuff for it and exploring certain parts of it. and i can do that for myself, but to make it stand on its own enough to post for other people to see isn't something i currently get enough motivation for. and because of that, it makes the fun part feel like a waste of time i guess.

i usually stay away from my own original stuff bc i honestly just don't feel the level of excitement with it as i have felt with fandom in the past, and... it's just harder lmao? but i think it would be good for me to at least fuck around with it.

fandom started as a vessel for creativity for me. i wanted to make videos, it gave me footage. i wanted to draw, it gave me designs for characters. i wanted to write, it gave me a sandbox to play in. and i still find those things fun, but i guess it just feels like i'm limiting myself by only playing with other people's dolls in a public park for all to see. like i'm just not as connected to the Making part as a hobby or to the parts of myself i would put into it.

idk, i am just rambling and i think honestly if i Did have more time it would help take a lot of the above pressures and risks away and balance me out so that making silly little fanfics sometimes would feel more worth it because i'd feel free to do other things as well.

i also do sort of get glued to the screen when i'm in mode of making and posting things and i'd like to uhhh. do other things with my life too sometimes lmfao. part of this boredom does probably stem from being chronically ill and therefore barely leaving my house. i haven't been able to do other things beyond fanon creations in years. so no wonder i'd feel less inspired and more bored.

i also think i've gotten tired of watching things feeling like a chore. oh shit i need to write down this scene so i can use it on a fanvid, or make sure i take note of this piece of dialogue for this character's backstory, etc. i know i bitch about how i don't hate the word "content creator" bc it is just an easier catch-all for me as someone who makes lots of diff things, and i still agree with that, but i do think because of my own levels of perfectionism, mixed with honestly how weirdly expectant of quality fandom has become, it's become a chore to engage with source material.

another thing is i've always felt like i've needed a purpose in what i've made and that purpose tends to be justified by the community interactions. it makes me feel less lonely and it helps me feel inspired and like... it doesn't hurt to know you'll get feedback on something because you've found so many supportive friends in it. i rly just haven't landed in any new communities i vibe with a ton for the things ive gotten into lately, so there's less motivation there. that's not to say anyone's Bad, just... discord servers are too big, tags are too dead or all over the place, i don't message people to become friends, and the communities and friends i do have from fandom are all kinda doing different things rn, etc.

the other form of purpose would be challenges--exchanges, bingos, etc. this fanwork isn't just a random thing for fun, it has a reason for me to work on it enough to let it see the light of day. and i think i've kinda broken my brain a bit using those for motivation so much, but the alternative would be to never get anything into a publishable state, but without it being a publishable state and interacting with communities through it there's no reason for me to really spend all that much time on it in the first place, which means i'm really not getting to Create.

i think the biggest issue these days if every part of the creative process now feels like it's "for show" and original stuff that has literally no audience is the only way to kinda undo the amount of rules that's put on me and my creativity.

tl;dr i'm just not feeling the same fulfillment from making fanon stuff as i used to so i guess i need to experiment with making other things so i can still do the Making part and see where that lands me, and see if it can help undo some of the toxic mentalities being an exclusively fandom girlie for so long has kinda instilled in me.

i'm sure i'll still make fanon shit every so often--i honestly have been so busy that output won't be noticeably different from my usual once every five months contributions. i just need to get back into the right blend of circumstances for it to feel worth it, and until then i guess i need to dig out the dolls from my own attic instead of someone else's so i can have a less complicated vessel for creative hobbies because i'm fairly certain i'd still like to create.

#txt #this is just a v long ramble that im not sure makes much sense honestly or will be readable to anyone but myself at this point but eh #just needed to word it all out #...also just remembered another reason that causes that imbalance of fun #is chronic pain making certain art forms like drawing quite painful so although i've been wanting to learn art techniques #and practice generally in non-fandomy ways #i'm stopped by how it's more worth it to sketch a blorbo every so often #but idk i want to try figuring out better ways of going about that for myself and #since i can't have both fandom and original without pushing myself too far i kinda have to Choose art advancement #over stupid blorbo drawings #same with if i spend too much time typing etc #and that plus time constraints are why im making it out to be such a one or the other thing #but it also... is... #because i rly don't think i can keep doing fanon stuff without at least mixing things up somehow #if not moving to original stuff altogether #i do think that once im out of school and i have a more stable schedule #i'll be able to set aside specific free time each day as opposed to being all over the place #and that will help as well so i don't feel Guilty over creating things #when i should/could be doing something more productive bc i also do want to move my life forward rather than being SO escapist #and the guilt aspect gets in the way a lot more than it when i had more passion to beat it back with #that rly is my own fault tho for being in charge of my own schedule and being so bad at it lol #one last little note for myself is i think a lot abt non-fandomy hobbies i have like music #where yeah ive made some filks but for the most part idk what im doing #im just there to have fun and enjoy myself bc it's just... the entire reason i do it #and i dont rly get that from the things i also can use for fanon creations these days more readily

[oedipushansen]

Do you have any good YA recommendations that have actually dark themes or depict teenagers in a way that's even remotely realistic? I never read YA bc it always feels so fake but maybe I'm not looking in the right places

OKAY so. please hear me out bc im abt to recommend u a fanfiction series but i swear to god its very far removed from the source material so u can just like. read it on its own. it’s called twin skeletons (here’s the link), and i’m sure i’ve talked abt or at least mentioned it on my blog before but its just very very special to me !! it rlly feels like ur getting in the heads of these Awful teenagers and all of the subjects r dealt w/ in like. such a raw & unfiltered way in my opinion. it doesnt feel fake or preachy or like the reader is being talked down to or anything. the writing can be messy & imperfect bc its a fic from a couple years ago, but i still think its so so good and so worth it. the characters felt so real to me & it was dark & complicated & frustrating & it managed to stick w me years after reading it & i love it so much. i use it as a big inspiration for how i would want to write teenagers if i ever. like. actually got arnd to writing anything. maybe my own sentimental feelings r making me biased but god i just think its such an amazing coming of age story and the writer just Understands how teenagers think and act so well and u should absolutely read it if u want a realistic YA story

for actual published work, i have more trouble bc u r right! finding published YA that doesnt try to water things down can unfortunately be v difficult & most of these r just books i read in my school’s library or in the Teen Section of my local bookstore a long time ago & particularly stuck w/ me & some of them im not even like. That sure counts as YA i just know that im a Young Adult who read & enjoyed it & it was also abt Young Adults. maybe its cheating but i honestly dont think that whether or not its Officially Supposed to Be YA is that important, im assuming ur just trying 2 find good coming of age stories

these arent in any particular order im just listing off whatever i think

speak by laurie halse anderson

allegedly by tiffany d jackson

forgive me, leonard peacock by matthew quick

dare me by megan abbott

perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky

catcher in the rye by jd salinger (uve most likely already read this but it wouldn’t feel right to leave this classic out)

my heart & other black holes by jasmine warga (a little rushed at times but felt like a breath of fresh air after trying to read annoyingly pretentious trainwrecks like fault in our stars & all the bright places. does what those novels Tried to do but manages it well in my opinion)

these violent delights by micah nemerever (not considered YA lol but i asked the author personally & the characters r like. 16-17 for majority of it & its an incredible book that i want everyone to read anyway so! why not put it here)

my dark vanessa by kate elizabeth russell (definitely not supposed to be YA but a lot of it is from the perspective of a teenage girl & i can imagine it being in my school’s library & its very good & relatable so!! again why not put it here!!)

black iris by elliot wake (i think this is considered more new adult than YA but whatever)

fault line by christa desir

forbidden by tabitha suzuma

hell followed with us by andrew joseph white (not sure if u can call this realistic considering its fantasy but its dark & definitely YA & it has body horror & i liked it so it’s going in)

house of hollow by krystal sutherland (again, this is a fantasy, but i thought it was pretty good when i read it & its YA so it’s going in)

i’m somewhat delirious after taking a nap so im srry if this is like 97% of me just rambling or not making sense. i know our tastes r probably not the same so some of these (or just YA in general) may not be for u but i rlly hope u enjoy or appreciate any of these if u ever decide to read them <3

#if anyone else has any recs feel free to comment them :] #i havent gotten the chance to read the raven cycle or all for the game but based on how ive seen ppl on here talk abt it they seem good #asks

[alittleemo]

I wanna hear your the wilds theories please 💜💜💜💜

audreyyyy i have no good response to this except :DDDDD

oh wow i have no idea whats going on with this show. I’m so intrigued and so lost and ive just been reading through theory posts going oooooooh yeah omg maybe but here’s my questions at least (im gonna try to put a read more bc its kind of a lot) (and check the tw at the end and please lmk if i missed smth)

I mean mainly, where are Martha and Nora? I feel like Nora has to be alive or Rachel would be more obviously devastated than she is, and sort of along the same lines with Toni / Martha. I wouldn’t think either of them could be so calm if the other girls weren’t alive.

however, i was definitely intrigued by the post saying Martha could have actually died after not getting the medicine, and they’ve been hallucinating her since then. it definitely bothered me that the fact she was almost dying was resolved without saying anything the next episode, which took place (i think) a few days later. one theory i really dont like is the insinuation that instead of the goat they were eating Martha in the last ep bc thats wayyy too fucked up for me and also like Martha was (at least in Shelby/Toni’s mind) on that walk with them to find food so although i suppose they could have hallucinated her i just dont think so

my personal theory for Martha is that she’s just incapacitated somewhere—maybe she was injured in the final moments and had to be taken to a hospital or smth, and shes unable to give an interview. I gotta say tho, the bit with the box of all her stuff definitely makes it seem like she either died or went missing—another theory i had was that Alex (p sure that was his name) had something to do with her disappearance and maybe brought her to that other island with all the boys on it. like its also improbable but like isn’t every theory to be taken loosely 🤪

I’ve seen theories saying oh, Shelby had her allergic reaction bc she put her retainer down on the table where dot had put her seafood but like that seems kinda like a stretch to me. how could they possibly have planned something like that out? unless Nora had some tell all before whatever happened to get them off the island, i dont know how they possibly could have planned that. the possibility they would be in the same room, the exact spot on the table, even the fact dot had access to seafood at all seems too much of a stretch. so in that case, was she faking it? how could she know the right time to do it? a lot of my questions have to do with the logistics of their plans lmao

one theory ive definitely latched on to it that more time has passed on the island than they thought. its possible that it was just an editing mistake having rachel’s amputated hand look so healed, especially while their faces were all still healing from the sunburns, bc while sun burns do take awhile to heal in my experience (like 2 or 3 weeks even sometimes) and also idrk how amputations work but it seems unlikely it could look so healed so quickly. I do think that it’s possible the girls have been drugged again at least once since being taken off the island—its clearly been shown Gretchen has the capability to drug them, so it’s definitely possible she did it again.

what i really want to know is if the girls know what is going on. does Nora tell them? I think one thing they’d really want to know is what happened to Jeanette—that was likely extremely traumatic for them and they deserve to know what happened to her. do they tell her family? obviously her and Alex were close, is he gonna betray Gretchen in some way? he obviously blames himself for her death (which makes sense since like he almost saved her but didnt)

I’d also like to see the boys island storyline resolved—like quite honestly wtf is going on there? is it the same island or a different one? are they as in the dark as the girls were or do at least some of them know what’s happening? do they go all lord of the flies or are they able to operate in relative harmony too? i hated lord of the flies so i hope that asshole is proved wrong. 

there’s much more than this but it’s getting pretty long and rambly so ill end it here!! I’d love to hear your theories too, other people’s thoughts are always v interesting to me since i have no idea whats happening <3

#asks #audrey 🎞💛 #lunawedlers #the wilds #the wilds spoilers #tw death #tw amputation #tw injury detail #tw drug mention #tw cannibalism #(ask to tag) #tw plane crash

[365text]

Hello! I’m a long time follower and I’ve recently been accepted to UC Berkeley as a transfer! I wanted to ask, what do you love about Berkeley? I’m trying to separate the prestige of going to THE UC from my personal feelings about the school. Getting the opinion of someone who has actually attended might be helpful. I appreciate anything you have to say!

hello !! omg “long time follower” what a CONCEPT that means you were probably here at least 4 years ago, considering i haven’t used this blog in the past 3 haha. 

also, CONGRATULATIONS !! i’m so excited + happy for you ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (and i’m laughing at “THE UC” because i forget that we are also called Cal for that reason haha). v understandable to try to get a vibe about the school to separate prestige from the actual experience — i’ll try my best to share what i love about berkeley, though ofc (obligatory disclaimer) every person ultimately has different experiences at the same college, so YMMV :’)

i’m actually making/editing a video about what i’ll miss about berkeley [updated!] that im aiming to post by the end of the week heh so i’ll share it here / update this ask perhaps with a link when im done!

but in the meantime! what do i love about berkeley under the cut heh

berkeley is in general known for their academics / research opportunities! depending on what you intend to major on, it can be a really great resource to strengthen your foundations in your intended field :’) i study computer science, and imo berkeley’s CS program is pretty good — we have some particularly amazing lower division teaching faculty, and also pretty solid access to some innovative / Big Things™ research labs + professors in the field as well. i think in general their STEM is p strong, and i think various majors within the humanities as well. i would just say do your research for your respective interest in that regard, since i think some majors (ie. cognitive science) are probably “better done” at other schools? example UCSD has an actual dept. dedicated to cogsci, whereas berkeley’s cogsci program is just kind of like a program rip

i’m also in the college of Letters & Science (L&S), and what i love about that is the flexibility you have for your major of choice! transferring to EECS is now impossible (?) iirc given I started in L&S, but i was still able to major in CS (after meeting the GPA cap) which is honestly virtually the same degree — you have the same CS requirements, just without some of the COE requirements (like physics or multivariable calculus, which is fine by me LOL). being in L&S also means you’re able to double/minor in L&S majors more easily (anywhere from history to art to english to stats to data science, etc.) without needing to worry about overlapping individual college requirements! 

and one more thing about academics is that it’d probably be ideal if you could talk to someone who majors in the same thing you’re interested in, as i can only really speak to my personal experience as a CS major. the school is honestly really big, and experiences vary greatly within department to department! CS department is HUGE and our class sizes pretty much never dip below like 200-300, mostly averaging around 600-700 even in the upper division. but with smaller discussions, it usually doesn’t feel that bad. but i know that experience is v different for some other majors, where their upper division classes are like 20-30 people!

there’s also a bunch of student orgs / clubs, like a lot of schools i’m sure, that you can take part in! berkeley feels like a very self-driven school, in the sense that you can really feel students’ personal motivations, which drives the vibe that student orgs typically take on (in my experience).

i personally really like the city + campus! i like how berkeley feels like a ~ community ~ and almost a combination of a suburb / metropolitan area. you can find residential areas just by walking 20 minutes north of campus; you can go downtown / into oakland with similar travel time either on foot or by bus; you’re next to BART which gives you access to a bunch of bay area cities; and even tho the campus is an “open campus” which means anyone can come onto campus, it’s not integrated into the city as a school like NYU is — which means you still do get the campus vibe/feeling! also some areas of campus are absolutely beautiful, esp. during golden hour *chefs kiss* hehe.

we have a pretty decent selection of libraries to study in too HAHA. 

i think food in berkeley is def not bad either! near campus won’t be like Top Notch food and it’s not super cheap, but you get a lot more options that a lot of colleges don’t have within like 5-10 min. proximity i believe. but i am not 100% certain about that ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯  but it’s p easy to find good grocery stores if you prefer to cook @ cal, and p easy to find some quick food options that aren’t bad if you’re busy either!

like all schools tho, there are plenty of pros and cons depending on what you prefer / are interested in / what kind of person you are! there are lot of things i could talk about, but i’m not sure what you’d like to hear / what would be relevant for you heh. if you have anything you’d like me to elaborate on / clarify, please do lmk! 

at the end of the day, i think my personal belief is that a person’s college experience is largely shaped by their chosen community (re: people they choose to spend their time with), and if you find people that have the vibe you’re looking for in a college setting, i think it helps the overall experience a lot! sorry this is kinda rambling heh but congrats once again and GO BEARS LOL

#reply #uc berkeley #berkeley

[miriossunshine]

hEy hey hEY~ I would like to request a Pro Heroes match up if possible ❤️Im a straight female, reaching a wooping 5'3 inches, with long dark brown hair & brown eyes, chubby cheeks & bod(got 'em bust & bums) and piercings on both ears. Im an INFP-T and honestly quite moody. I'm really polite with strangers (borderline awkward) and I subconsciously care about what others think about me but at the same time idgaf xD People that are rude and impolite in any way piss me off. I dislike confrontation and i strive to keep a peaceful environment around me, cause not the type to throw hands but im definitely killing you for the 46th time in my mind. Witty, sarcastic and memey with friends and family, can often be found lovingly insulting besties. My friends say that i am very dense when it comes to relationships so now im basically all like "if you guys wanna do the dirty, i surely wont get any subtle queues you drop, so just tell me in my face and i'll happily leave the room" (true story). My sense of humor can vary from intentionally lame jokes to really dark & inappropriate ones. I'm quite opinionated and stubborn with a strong sense of right and wrong. Im a great listener but i wont spill my problems to others and i usually tend to bottle them up. I love observing people (i swear its not as creepy as it sounds). Not really a conversation starter but certainly down for deep, long, existential talks. I'm also open-minded & patient af and I overthink/procrastinate a lot ^^" I feel like I secretly want attention but once I get it idk what to do with it ahsgajds. Alone time is essential for staying sane and relaxed. "Why cant everyone get along with each other" *sad face* but also secretly enjoys watching the world burn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I like to believe that im independent but I feel like someone should probably be keeping an eye on me sometimes. A homebody and a night owl with tons of raging imagination. I usually squeal and grab/hit the person next to me when I find/see something cute (its a reflex, dont ask lol). Tend to cry like a baby at even the most minor emotional things but also can be a huge stoic freaking wall sometimes (no, i did not cry watching titanic, sUE me). I looove folklore & mythology as well! Daydreaming functions are working nonstop 24/7. Music is a big part of my life, it helps me relax and escape from the world.I also really enjoy watching movies! Fave genre would be horror and thrillers, especially super cringy bad thrillers, those are the best! And that's about it! Sorry, this was probably too long~ 👉👈

hi angel!!! of course! no don’t apologize, the info helps so much!! 💜💜💜 ty for requesting!!!

i ship you with hawks!

keigo reminds you not to worry what others think of you, and is glad to see that you can be as carefree as him!

he knows it irritates you,, and bc of that he teases you all the time to test your patience cuz u dislike impoliteness hsjdksjdkandnnx

y’all are amazing at keeping ur cool, and just being overall really chill. you guys often share a look when someone is pissing u off that says you’re killing them mentally and hawks just knows (￣▽￣)

u guys are both witty and sarcastic, and have really similar senses of humor !

keigo snorts whenever your obliviousness to romantic gestures shows hehe. hawks is v blunt with you so that there’s no misunderstandings when he’s being romantic, he also often does this to fluster you hehe ><

he really admires your morals and strong opinions!! he sits and watches you with a proud smirk on his face whenever you defend your opinions because ur his baby and he’s so proud- HDNSKNSDNND

keigo can tell when you’re bottling your emotions up like it’s an extra sense, and will strategically get you to tell him what’s wrong bc he knows it’ll make you feel better in the long run. he’s a great listener with you and becomes quite serious when you tell him about your problems, giving logical advice and offering to give you any space u may need. <3

ur both very observant people!

he totally teases you about how you like attention and how u get unsure of how to handle it when receiving it hehe >< his attention doesn’t leave you for the rest of the day bc he knows it flusters u \(//∇//)\

keigo is very understanding of your needed space and alone time! he may get a little bored after a while cuz he misses you, which gives YOU the opportunity to tease HIM now hsjskajdkansbs >:D

he definitely understands that you’re independent in most cases,, but also 100% has a cautious eye on you at all times ZNDNMSNDBD

keigo likes listening to you ramble at night about whatever your imagination creates, just watching you with his head resting on the palm of his hand with pure love written on his face aaaa (*´꒳`*)

your reflex when you see something cute is adorable to hawks and when you grab him, he chuckles and pats your hand hehe (о´∀`о)

keigo is pretty good at hiding his emotions and coos at you humorously when you cry at the simplest things -3-

he finds your love of music endearing and loves how at peace you look when listening to your favorite songs ;(( 💜💜 he has a whole playlist compiling your favorite music and plays it when you’re chilling either in the car or at home ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

he can tell when you’re daydreaming by the look on your face when you’re lost in your imagination >< he’ll snap you out of it by bluntly asking if you’d tell him what was so interesting in that “pretty little head of yours” (//∇//)

you guys make a THING out of watching bad thriller movies together. it’s essential for every indoor date night you guys have!! ^0^ he keeps a pretty good poker face for the majority of the scarier horror movies, but can’t help but bust up laughing at the corny bad horror flicks hehe (￣∀￣)

#bnha hawks matchup #mha matchup #bnha matchup #mod honey #submission

[scige-alt]

LIANA LIBERATO / CIS FEMALE — don’t look now, but is that saige beaumont i see? the 21 year old criminal psychology / linguistics student is in their sophomore year and she is a rochester alum. i hear they can be blithe, energetic, evasive and irrational, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet she will make a name for themselves living in murphy’s beach homes. ( james. 20. est. she/they. )

snjdfg these took so long i’m so sorry but anyways please LIKE and i’ll slide into yr IMs for plots !!

TW DRUG USE, ALCOHOLISM, IMPLIED ABUSE, ADDICTION, HIT & RUN.

a e s t h e t i c s

stick n’ pokes at 2am – when your drunk and giggling too much in between purposeful stabs, avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk because they’re bad luck and they’ll break your mother’s back – even if your mother doesn’t love you, because you love her, the familiar riff in an old song – one that’s got you strumming along silently; there is no guitar, only empty air lit by the christmas lights you haven’t taken down. it’s may. swallowing down shots, and by default, swallowing down problems. laughing quick, easily, constantly. skinned knees from skateboarding, despite being rubbish at it. wishes on eyelashes stuck to your cheekbones, glitter sticking, running into the ocean at sunrise; feeling at home. excuses, and the many forms they come in. telling people you love them through hand squeezes and fresh muffins, sideways glances and soft, eager grins.

general info !!

full name: saige alouette beaumont

nickname(s): n/a so give her some uwu

b.o.d. - july 7th, 21 whole yrs old.

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc. etc.

height: 5′7″ !!

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: bisexual w/ a very slight preference towards masc-presenting folks

pinterest

stats

biography !!

the fallible daughter of two very infallible people: robert beaumont, US lieutenant general, and manon levesque, world renown fashion designer. both calculating, cold, and purposeful.

saige never believed she was created out of love. it was an action with a purpose, intentions to create the perfect child. the hybrid of both military genius and fashion extraordinaire, molded to their will.

it took them no more than six months after her birth for her parents to up and move, thus beginning the cycle of packing and unpacking, flying and driving, state-to-state and country-to-country. the longest saige had ever stayed in one place was two years.

kept on a short leash, homeschooled, and learning skills she had no interest in – she was more like a pet, a project, than a child. the world moved all around her, but she felt restrictively tethered to her parents.

she had always felt this way. a bird in a cage of thorns.

it was hard to keep and maintain friends – saige would be there one day, and gone the next. a ghost, a very visible ghost. even so, she tried her hardest.

running from bodyguards (nannies, in a sense. her father is a paranoid man) into festival crowds and climbing out of windows in the dark of night to swim in lakes with locals she’d meet only a few hours earlier – she absorbed as much of what she could get; this intense, undying love for a world she had always craved to see.

it was the start of something near dangerous – a phase that seemed to never end, rebellion coursing through her veins. a wild child in the making, unknowing of limits. the bad sort of crowd was the crowd she found herself landing, more often than not – introducing the sheltered girl to a world she hadn’t quite known existed

she ran away, briefly, at age fifteen with a man three years older than her – which nearly ended up in a tabloid magazine if it hadn’t been for her parents’ money. though the guilt of her parents’ disappointed weighed on her, the thrill fueled something much worse

from that point on, she became a problem child. from public intoxication to vandalism – it was clear their daughter was unraveling and nothing could contain her.

boarding school was a small attempt to stop it – she got expelled.

she hadn’t intended to go to university, either – but, by some chance – and after a mysterious year-long disappearance from public eye during her eighteenth year of life, next thing she knew, she was a student at lockwood university.

she was involved in a getaway chase from an armed robbery at a bank which then turned into a hit-and-run in washington when she was on the brink of turning eighteen. it was a situation she had no control over, not knowing her role in the scheme until it was too late to turn back. the victim survived but saige’s family has been paying the medical fees since then. her parents haven’t spoken to her since.

ever since the accident, saige has avoided causing too much trouble - generally staying out of headlines and tabloids, partially in fear of her parents finally cutting ties, and partially in fear of doing something that’ll cost another person their life.

personality !!

bubbly. so fucking bubbly. she’s got so much fucking energy on her – she goes running every morning and every night and swims like every afternoon and she’s n e v e r tired ?? the personality of a coke bottle shaken up but like if the bottle could laugh.

tries her hardest to be the Happy Fun friend, y’know, the one who can hook you up w/ some sicccc shit b/c she befriended/possibly slept with her drug dealer and now she gets discounts.

like, generally, comes off as very confident of herself and fearless and, like, yes–reckless, but like a fun reckless, y’know ??

talks a l o t, could ramble for days, hand gestures and all.

if she wants to do something, she will do it and there’s not much you can do to stop her tbh. she’s very easy-going, very go-go-go, very…mischievous, y’know? even if she’s trying to do something stupid you kinda just have to let her do it or otherwise she’ll mope for three hours and pout at you and you’ll feel ?? this weird sense of guilt ?? which isn’t the Best thing but she’s not the best person either so dfghjh

a vegetarian !! meat makes her sick, like, physically.

uuuhh her vocabulary consists of a lot of ‘likes’ and ‘ums’ and ‘y’knows’, y’know ??

i am like 99% sure she’s got adhd but she’s never been diagnosed with it b/c her parents suck with that stuff. her parents sort of suck in general.

like…she’s currently not on speaking terms with them. she’s not disowned…like, yet, but they haven’t said more than like five words to each other since saige was eighteen and it k i l l s her but they also send her a shit ton of money every month so.

owns like…four cars…..she has them all on campus…..she prolly isn’t suppose to…but she does…one of them’s a real sleek sports car, one is a jacked up pick-up truck that’s decked out in like LED lights n shit, one is the same exact fucking car from the princess diaries b/c saige is obsessed w/ the movie. the other is like. a mini cooper probably.

a photographer, her walls are covered in photographs and art and taped-down plants and in general her room is very ?? cluttered ?? like it’s very home-y but god. she’s a mess. clothes everywhere. she’s probably got a pile of instruments and other miscellaneous hobbies on a chair in the corner that she hasn’t touched in a while

speaking of !! she has a bunch of random, like, skills ?? like knitting and sewing and cooking and three different forms of ballroom dancing, and she can definitely work a gun and a car engine except she goes thru interests so rapidly and is disinterested in most of the other ones b/c her parents forced like half of them onto her.

she plays bass guitar. she loves her bass guitar. she knows other instruments but the only ones she’ll really fidget with are her bass guitar and like, her violin. everything else she’s like ~okay~ at

got really obsessed with languages at a young age and started learning them ?? her mother is like. super french, like genuinely from france, so she already grew up speaking both english and french but she’s learnt others for the hell of it and she’s still learning like three other at the same time which is a MESS but she’s a mess so like can u blame her sdfghj

but like i said, she’s v e r y reckless. very much a party girl. she uses like…quite a few drugs, both socially and alone and frankly – she’s rarely sober.

a budding alcoholic because she’s convinced that without it she’ll be Miserable and Horrible to everybody because she’s a Horrible, Awful person who is the absolute Worse and if drinking vodka mixed in with 23 crystal lite packets helps with not thinking like that then she’ll do it no questions asked

its a problem she’s been developing since she was younger, only amplified by … the situation, that happened when she was eighteen.

is essentially wearing this mask of confidence and giddiness and flirtatiousness b/c she doesnt want people to think she’s doing Not Okay.

she loves so much. she loves everything, everybody. falls in love like five times a day but nothing really sticks to her either. if ur a shitty person/come off as an asshole then she’ll be more likely to be attracted to her b/c shes Always been like this. finds them super interesting which is ?? questionable ?? sometimes i want to just. knock some sense into her but y’know what…it’s fine we’re Fine

she gets around p frequently but is also the type of person who’ll like, try n maintain a positive, good friendship with whoever she sleeps with b/c the idea of having regrettable encounters is smth that Bothers her and she just pretty much refuses.

it’s honestly a bit of a problem ?? she blurs the lines between friendship and Something, Anything More too often and with too many people b/c she just. wants to be loved. but there is never enough !

she does stick n pokes !! a whole bunch !! let her give you one !! she can’t draw for shit but i mean, who cares, right ??

uuuhh her mom sends her like…prototypes of things she designs n shit that isn’t out yet and saige 100% always gives it away or it sits in her closet and essentially that is her go-to gift for birthdays or christmas or whenever she feels like it

there’s literally sm i could say about her but i’ll stop Here b/c it’s getting too long sksksksk

wanted connections !!

give me. a best friend. just somebody who sticks by her side even though she’s a Mess

like, a ride or die ?? is that the same as a best friend ?? idc i want both :)

and just in general, like, people she’s p close to ?? she’s really friendly and is the kind of girl who’d be really popular in high school but doesn’t care abt popularity n talks to literally Everybody like she’s known them all her life.

ESP if ur muse is a lil grumpier !! she will fuck their shit up, but like, in a friendship way.

party pals, where they don’t talk that much outside of parties but inside them ?? super close. glued to the hip. hold-your-hair-back kinda tight.

frenemies ?? fake friends ?? toxic pals ?? ppl using her for her money or like, sex, or something ?? anything ??

bad influences ?? who just encourage all of saige’s shit ??

good influences ?? who are like YOINK stop being an idiot.

a tutor b/c she’s like…she’s smart, okay, but she’s also really stupid LMAO. she’s rly bad at math and science. somebody help her.

hook ups ?? fwbs ?? that one, rare one-night-stand that went weird ??

exes ?? she’s sorta noncommittal so idk how long they would’ve dated but like sjdfkbo yolo ?? ex hook-ups too ??

…somebody who just. hates her. but she doesn’t realize bc she’s a big ol’ idiot. she thinks theyre pals !!

let her b a thorn in someone’s side, just like, an absolute annoyance LMAO

gimme an enemy, or like an ex-best friend where something happened between them n it ruined their friendship

i will take literally anything i dont know

she steals ur character’s mail ?? ur cat keeps escaping and she keeps letting them inside even tho she’s allergic ??

one of those friendships where theyre always bickering like an old married couple ?? but it’s Purely Platonic (or is it ??)

an off-and-on again that just. it’s not good for either of them b/c they keep enabling each other and then getting pissed off and it’s a Mess but ?? it’s so hard to stop.

the drug dealer she keeps sleeping with even though she can just … pay for her shit. b/c it’s funner this way !

just … people where their like … relationship status is Blurred and it’s like, are they a thing? are they not? b/c she’s a mess and gets involved with too many people without intending to !

please. take her. give me connections.

#huntingtonintro #drugs tw #addiction tw #alcoholism tw #implied abuse #hit and run tw

[nat-20s]

All right I am back from work and it is like 12:30 in the morning and I am Elaborating for all of you that asked. To all of you that were like “no elaboration needed” im glad we’re on the same wavelength. To those of you that may in fact just be asking me to elaborate out of curiosity as to what I’ll say you’re all extremely valid.

First of all, take all of this with a grain of salt because a: I have a tendency to say Whatever horseshit happens to pop into my mind so this will almost certainly be long and rambling and perhaps make sense to approximately three people but y’all didn’t disengage when I cried about doctor who this weekend so I assume ur stickin around anyway and b: it’s been a Hot Minute1 since I last read the book, so I may misremember things. Side note: I should re-read good omens. I got a plane trip coming up so might as well babey!!!

Okay, to get Into It we must discuss Bitch vs Bastard: the difference to this dumbass (*points to self with both thumbs*). This is NOT based on any like dictionary definitions or societal contexts of the words this is about the different Feelings, the different Essences of bitchery vs bastardry, to me personally. I DO not that in this case they are not even slightly gendered even though they are technically but whatever.

So a bastard is like...a gremlin of a person, right? They are just a litle creacher and they cannot change this. A bastard isn’t, like, straight up evil, but they can be kind of a dick sometimes and when they are being kind of a dick, it’s not usually with remorse, it’s with revelry. There’s a lot of social niceties that they never learned and honestly probably don’t ever WANT to learn. Like if someone cuts you off in traffic and then winks at you? That’d be a bastard move they’d be a bastard.

Bitch, on the other hand, is more about having a fun and sexy2 time. There isn’t necessarily a delight in causing misery, or at least decent inconvenience and annoyance, that there is in bastardry, but there is a delight in eschewing the expectations placed on you. Also the kind of petty sarcasm that’s involved in bitchery is different than in bastardy. Bastards are sarcastic for sarcasm’s sake, bitches are sarcastic to point out Some Bullshit going on. When Lizzo says “took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% That Bitch” you FEEL that but if she was like “I’m 100% bastard” it wouldn’t work!! Lizzo doesn’t seem at all like a bastard!! They’re different vibes!!!!

So, with that difference hopefully established, let’s talk Aziraphale. Book vs TV. A good microcosm of the differences is their differences towards Maybe killing the antichrist. TV show Aziraphale DOES NOT want to kill Adam. He will, if he has to, out of desperation, but he clearly doesn’t want to. He asks why Crowley can’t do it for him and he wonders if there’s any alternative. Like, the only time that he goes for it is when it is swan song time and he has no back-up plan.

Book aziraphale, the absolute bastard whomst I love, is the one to suggest killing Adam and honestly iirc his whole attitude towards the thing is very: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5VTLbPtn5U. It’s like whatever ya know? Sometimes you gotta kill a kid bc heaven has shitty music and you’re not dealing with that for eternity. He is Bastard.

Tv Aziraphale’s main acts of being, like, not genuinely sweet and good are much more Bitchy to me. When he @s crowley being all like “have you got a better idea? One. Single. Better. Idea.” THATS SOME HIGH CLASS THAT BITCH RIGHT THERE. Everything he does pretending to be crowley is Iconic Bitchery. Nothing he actually does as crowley genuinely hurts anybody but he IS obnoxious and loud and having a fan-fuckin-tastic time and is doing the kind of shit he’s probably dreamed of doing for CENTURIES. Love him love That Bitch.

Book!Aziraphale is like. I have some free time during the apocalypse let’s terrorize some Christians. When he accidentally kills a dove Crowley is the one to revive it because he’s just kind of like lmao whoops. When Crowley replaces the paint ball guns with real ones his response is less the “No!!!!!” reaction of TV Zira and more like “Dude. Come on.” Honestly I think Book Aziraphale is like THE definition of true neutral bc he’s for sure isn’t like EVIL but he is straight (gay) chillin’. Like sometimes you gotta just tell some mobsters to fuck off and annoy the shit out of customers so they don’t buy books from your book “Store”. Hell the fact that he has a bookstore instead of just a personal library when you have literally zero intentions of selling anything seems like he just enjoys making people leave. I also Love Him.

Anyway tldr TV aziraphale is actually pretty nice but he is also p sassy and Book aziraphale would sell you to satan for one corn chip and they are both my dads.   

1. If you’re wondering, it’s been at least 4 years. I was on a road trip to yellowstone and reread it STUPID fast and longed for a movie adaptation and lmao look where we are now!

2. Sexy, in this case, meaning a general positive descriptor. I will use sexy interchangeable with like “cool” or “funky fresh”. I would also say funky fresh in causal conversation bc that’s the kind of person I am.

#good omens #replies #is this coherent? who fuckin knows

[scigebabadook]

cisfemale — ever hear people say SAIGE BORDEAUX looks a lot like LIANA LIBERATO? I think SHE is about 20, so it doesn’t really work. The LINGUISTICS + CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY major is a SOPHOMORE that is from ALL OVER THE PLACE. They can be BLITHE, but they can also be EVASIVE. I think SAIGE might be a SHEEP. They are living in BALTA. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. )

hello ,,, it seems i am a sheep and Refuse to leave the herd. aka i love u all so frickin’ much ,,, and w/o further ado, here is saige !! pleathe LIKE this so i can shimmy into yr ims !!

TW: drug use, alcoholism, implied abuse ? shitty parents at the very least, addiction

a e s t h e t i c s

stick n’ pokes at 2am – when your drunk and giggling too much in between purposeful stabs, avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk because they’re bad luck and they’ll break your mother’s back – even if your mother doesn’t love you, because you love her, the familiar riff in an old song – one that’s got you strumming along silently; there is no guitar, only empty air lit by the christmas lights you haven’t taken down. it’s may. swallowing down shots, and by default, swallowing down problems. laughing quick, easily, constantly. skinned knees from skateboarding, despite being rubbish at it. wishes on eyelashes stuck to your cheekbones, glitter sticking, running into the ocean at sunrise; feeling at home. excuses, and the many forms they come in. telling people you love them through hand squeezes and fresh muffins, sideways glances and soft, eager grins.

general info !!

full name: saige alouette bordeaux

nickname(s): n/a so give her some uwu

b.o.d. - july 7th, 20 whole yrs old.

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc. etc.

height: 5′7″ !!

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: firstly when aren’t my babies bi as FUCK but she also prefers masc-presenting folks

pinterest

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biography !!

the fallible daughter of two very infallible people: robert bordeaux, US lieutenant general, and manon levesque, world renown fashion designer. both calculating, cold, and purposeful.

saige never believed she was created out of love. it was an action with a purpose, intentions to create the perfect child. the hybrid of both military genius and fashion extraordinaire, molded to their will.

it took them no more than six months after her birth for her parents to up and move, thus beginning the cycle of packing and unpacking, flying and driving, state-to-state and country-to-country. the longest saige had ever stayed in one place was two years.

kept on a short leash, homeschooled, and learning skills she had no interest in – she was more like a pet, a project, than a child. the world moved all around her, but she felt restrictively tethered to her parents.

she had always felt this way. a bird in a cage of thorns.

it was hard to keep and maintain friends – saige would be there one day, and gone the next. a ghost, a very visible ghost. even so, she tried her hardest.

running from bodyguards (nannies, in a sense. her father is a paranoid man) into festival crowds and climbing out of windows in the dark of night to swim in lakes with locals she’d meet only a few hours earlier – she absorbed as much of what she could get; this intense, undying love for a world she had always craved to see.

it was the start of something near dangerous – a phase that seemed to never end, rebellion coursing through her veins. a wild child in the making, unknowing of limits. the bad sort of crowd was the crowd she found herself landing, more often than not – introducing the sheltered girl to a world she hadn’t quite known existed

she ran away, briefly, at age fifteen with a man three years older than her – which nearly ended up in a tabloid magazine if it hadn’t been for her parents’ money. though the guilt of her parents’ disappointed weighed on her, the thrill fueled something much worse

from that point on, she became a problem child. from public intoxication to vandalism – it was clear their daughter was unraveling and nothing could contain her.

boarding school was a small attempt to stop it – she got expelled.

she hadn’t intended to go to university, either – but, by some chance – and after a mysterious year-long disappearance from public eye during her eighteenth year of living, next thing she knew, she was a student at gifford university in a town she’d never been to before.

personality !!

bubbly. so fucking bubbly. she’s got so much fucking energy on her – she goes running every morning and every night and swims like every afternoon and she’s n e v e r tired ?? the personality of a coke bottle shaken up but like if the bottle could laugh.

tries her hardest to be the Happy Fun friend, y’know, the one who can hook you up w/ some sicccc shit b/c she befriended/possibly slept with her drug dealer and now she gets discounts.

like, generally, comes off as very confident of herself and fearless and, like, yes–reckless, but like a fun reckless, y’know ??

talks a l o t, could ramble for days, hand gestures and all.

if she wants to do something, she will do it and there’s not much you can do to stop her tbh. she’s very easy-going, very go-go-go, very…mischievous, y’know? even if she’s trying to do something stupid you kinda just have to let her do it or otherwise she’ll mope for three hours and pout at you and you’ll feel ?? this weird sense of guilt ?? which isn’t the Best thing but she’s not the best person either so dfghjh

a vegetarian !! meat makes her sick, like, physically.

uuuhh her vocabulary consists of a lot of ‘likes’ and ‘ums’ and ‘y’knows’, y’know ??

i am like 99% sure she’s got adhd but she’s never been diagnosed with it b/c her parents suck with that stuff. her parents sort of suck in general.

like…she’s currently not on speaking terms with them. she’s not disowned…like, yet, but they haven’t said more than like five words to each other since saige was eighteen and it k i l l s her but they also send her a shit ton of money every month so.

owns like…four cars…..she has them all on campus…..she prolly isn’t suppose to…but she does…one of them’s a real sleek sports car, one is a jacked up pick-up truck that’s decked out in like LED lights n shit, one is the same exact fucking car from the princess diaries b/c saige is obsessed w/ the movie. the other is like. a mini cooper probably.

a photographer, her walls are covered in photographs and art and taped-down plants and in general her room is very ?? cluttered ?? like it’s very home-y but god. she’s a mess. clothes everywhere. she’s probably got a pile of instruments and other miscellaneous hobbies on a chair in the corner that she hasn’t touched in a while

speaking of !! she has a bunch of random, like, skills ?? like knitting and sewing and cooking and three different forms of ballroom dancing, and she can definitely work a gun and a car engine except she goes thru interests so rapidly and is disinterested in most of the other ones b/c her parents forced like half of them onto her.

she plays bass guitar. she loves her bass guitar. she knows other instruments but the only ones she’ll really fidget with are her bass guitar and like, her violin. everything else she’s like ~okay~ at

got really obsessed with languages at a young age and started learning them ?? her mother is like. super french, like genuinely from france, so she already grew up speaking both english and french but she’s learnt others for the hell of it and she’s still learning like three other at the same time which is a MESS but she’s a mess so like can u blame her sdfghj

but like i said, she’s v e r y reckless. very much a party girl. she uses like…quite a few drugs, both socially and alone and frankly – she’s rarely sober.

a budding alcoholic because she’s convinced that without it she’ll be Miserable and Horrible to everybody because she’s a Horrible, Awful person who is the absolute Worse and if drinking vodka mixed in with 23 crystal lite packets helps with not thinking like that then she’ll do it no questions asked

its a problem she’s been developing since she was younger, only amplified by … the situation, that happened when she was eighteen.

is essentially wearing this mask of confidence and giddiness and flirtatiousness b/c she doesnt want people to think she’s doing Not Okay.

she loves so much. she loves everything, everybody. falls in love like five times a day but nothing really sticks to her either. if ur a shitty person/come off as an asshole then she’ll be more likely to be attracted to her b/c shes Always been like this. finds them super interesting which is ?? questionable ?? sometimes i want to just. knock some sense into her but y’know what…it’s fine we’re Fine

she gets around p frequently but is also the type of person who’ll like, try n maintain a positive, good friendship with whoever she sleeps with b/c the idea of having regrettable encounters is smth that Bothers her and she just pretty much refuses.

it’s honestly a bit of a problem ?? she blurs the lines between friendship and Something, Anything More too often and with too many people b/c she just. wants to be loved. but there is never enough !

she does stick n pokes !! a whole bunch !! let her give you one !! she can’t draw for shit but i mean, who cares, right ??

uuuhh her mom sends her like…prototypes of things she designs n shit that isn’t out yet and saige 100% always gives it away or it sits in her closet and essentially that is her go-to gift for birthdays or christmas or whenever she feels like it

there’s literally sm i could say about her but i’ll stop Here b/c it’s getting too long sksksksk

wanted connections !!

give me. a best friend. just somebody who sticks by her side even though she’s a Mess

like, a ride or die ?? is that the same as a best friend ?? idc i want both :)

and just in general, like, people she’s p close to ?? she’s really friendly and is the kind of girl who’d be really popular in high school but doesn’t care abt popularity n talks to literally Everybody like she’s known them all her life.

ESP if ur muse is a lil grumpier !! she will fuck their shit up, but like, in a friendship way.

party pals, where they don’t talk that much outside of parties but inside them ?? super close. glued to the hip. hold-your-hair-back kinda tight.

frenemies ?? fake friends ?? toxic pals ?? ppl using her for her money or like, sex, or something ?? anything ??

bad influences ?? who just encourage all of saige’s shit ??

good influences ?? who are like YOINK stop being an idiot.

a tutor b/c she’s like…she’s smart, okay, but she’s also really stupid LMAO. she’s rly bad at math and science. somebody help her.

hook ups ?? fwbs ?? that one, rare one-night-stand that went weird ??

exes ?? she’s sorta noncommittal so idk how long they would’ve dated but like sjdfkbo yolo ?? ex hook-ups too ??

…somebody who just. hates her. but she doesn’t realize bc she’s a big ol’ idiot. she thinks theyre pals !!

let her b a thorn in someone’s side, just like, an absolute annoyance LMAO

gimme an enemy, or like an ex-best friend where something happened between them n it ruined their friendship

i will take literally anything i dont know

she steals ur character’s mail ?? ur cat keeps escaping and she keeps letting them inside even tho she’s allergic ??

one of those friendships where theyre always bickering like an old married couple ?? but it’s Purely Platonic (or is it ??)

an off-and-on again that just. it’s not good for either of them b/c they keep enabling each other and then getting pissed off and it’s a Mess but ?? it’s so hard to stop.

the drug dealer she keeps sleeping with even though she can just ... pay for her shit. b/c it’s funner this way !

just ... people where their like ... relationship status is Blurred and it’s like, are they a thing? are they not? b/c she’s a mess and gets involved with too many people without intending to !

please. take her. give me connections.

#livingintro #drug addiction tw #alcoholism tw #abuse tw #[youtube comment voice] first !!!!111!!!111!

[frdknsll-blog]

imagine the most serious character you know

now imagine them getting scared by the toaster going off as they walk by

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ joel kinnaman + male + he/his — have you met ford kinsella? they are thirty eight years old known around town as the bodyguard. they’ve been in the gang life for fifteen years, and currently work for the gang as a soldier. they are a pansexual virgo, which means they are practical + observant, as well as harsh + inflexible. rusty metal crow bar, beech forest in the winter, messages on read.

BIO:

born in valdez. his crackhead mom named him ford because she found him in the boot of a ford fiesta whilst she was robbing it. he was a one way ticket to claim some golden benefits.

had a string of men come in and out of their home like a revolving door who were just as bad as her or worse. ford was still protective of his mum, despite all her shit, and he paid for it.

grew up in a lil trailer park in some dodgy area. a real small community. guy ritchie snatch vibes. he heard stories of kids at school playing ball in the garden but the kids from the trailers fought each other for fun.

he only knew the difference bc he actually went to school. occasionally. he enjoyed learning and thought he’d be able to get on the right path. rip. kept to himself at school, quiet. never threw the first punch but his first was always the last.

the community attempted to overthrow the ‘monsters’ that controlled valdez. stupid.

resulted in one big throw down betw the two groups on ford’s home ground. by the time the caito’s gang were finished - mind you it didn’t take them long - the majority of the ppl ford grew up with were either dead, in the back of police cars, or on the run...

at the age of nineteen, he was thrown into jail. had already gone to juvie a few times. after he’d established his reputation as someone that didn’t like being started on bc it meant he had to finish them? it wasn’t too bad. he got to read, smoke, and read more.

one night, he’d saved the life of a guy who’d been cornered by some inmates. turns out he was the son of a guy pretty high up in the gang. he offered a ‘get out of prison’ card to ford but he declined. the outside world didn’t appeal to him.

until news reached him that the gang had found his girlfriend. immediately he asked to be let out. it took a while but by the time he got out things weren’t how he expected.

she was too far gone. a splitting image of his mother. when he found out that they had a kid, and that the kid was no where to be found, he thought it’d be the end of their relationship. but he couldn’t bring himself to give up on her.

she was a hooker and he’d spent his days trying to protect her, save her from herself. until one day it all got too much and he drove himself mad. a customer laid hands on her and ford murdered him.

caito and his gang came to ford’s protection. but everything came at a price. he began working for the gang officially and it only felt natural to do so - he couldn’t find a job anywhere else, and since his release he’d been doing small jobs to get by here and there.

she died from an overdose not long after. we don’t talk about it.

now he mostly works as a guard to the escorts/strippers. and the odd job here and there during the day. he prefers working on his own.

PERSONALITY:

he’s not angry. or sad. or anything. he’s just tired and pretty over it.

not a man of many words. talks with his eyes and incoherent grumbles: stop talking, step away, can you pass me the salt, this coffee is too hot, do you want my jacket, are you okay...

one cool, calm, collected, callous, cold c*nt. all the c’s. oh and a clean freak.

doesn’t get drunk, doesn’t do drugs. what a bore. v strict with himself. has a set of rules and sticks to them, expects others to do the same or at least respect them.

v patient but has zero tolerance. no manners, raised by rabid dogs lbr.

has a 2g phone. seriously a granddad. likes quiet, peace, serenity. wants to get things done as quickly and as cleanly as possible. doesn’t actually like having to resort to violence but it’s rly the only thing he knows.

likes wood carving. has a collection of ornaments he’d carved. honestly would probably even like knitting if he’d give it a chance tbh.

has just learned to detach himself from everything. lowkey dissociating half the time. honestly has no sense of humour.

super private. u aint gettin anything out from him about his past or personal life. loljk he has no personal life.

POTENTIAL PLOTS:

he doesn’t rly have friends. ppl he’s used to maybe. ppl who understands he likes his space and the way he works. fellow soldiers that just like to get the job done? not sure how long that’ll last bc we lov begrudging friendships in this house.

pls gimme ppl that will annoy the heck out of him. leon and matilda vibes. he’s a baby sitter lbr.  

he ain’t no ho but he still got needs. one night stands onli. feel like he used 2 fuck ppl in the gang but has made a rule not to anymore cos he cbf for messiness. (we’ll see)

someone that is able to get him to him maybe? bring out the fire in him, make him lose his shit bc when he does he loses his control. and he likes being in control of himself. hence no drinking 2 much.

enemies - anyone who’s a bit psycho and trigger happy, he ain’t gonna get on with u. i feel like he’s sent on jobs to keep them lot in check. 

someone that can actually get him to talk? they could have nice simple random conversations about absolutely nothing but will take a certain character (iono what that is yet pls i’m useless)

if you’ve made it this far then i’m sorry. it’s obvious i just have no idea whAT IM DOIN AND IONO Y U CARRY ON WIT THIS MESS OF A RAMBLE.

if u wanna plot like this post and i’ll message u :D or if u wanna message me first that’s grand too >:))))

#valdez.intro #tw death #tw addiction #tw drugs #tw murder #tw violence #tw abuse #tw imsobadatintroskillme #this took me far 2 long #imm #a stop editing it n0w

[1loml]

If your mutuals were in BTS, who would be who? ♡

thank you so much for this ask lil’ anon! this was really exciting to do but i also honestly didnt know what angle i was gonna go from. so the following answers are really a mix of bts’ personalities nd also how i see them individually!!

namjoon @ilufelix im gonna be honest nd say i have no idea how to express why i feel you’d suit the role of joon but i’ll try okay!!! first of all, im pretty sure you are friends with literally everyone on my dash!! you’re just so kind nd loving and honestly who doesn’t love you!!?!?! you rlly give off vibes that you’re so well put together nd your aesthetic blog influenced my decision because it takes TALENT to pull of an aesthetic blog esp. with a neon look!!!! ur blog rlly is the coolest thing!! you also do the most to promo your faves wholesomely and spread awareness about their talents and just wow??!!!?! a whole intellectual??!! gosh mister joon is also the most big hearted person and loveliest soul nd really is an all rounder and u really fit that role so well skdjf i could go on forever about how much you make me blush sometimes u whole cutie shfkdh this was a weird ramble but it makes sense in my mind that you could be a whole joon!! i love you 🤕❤️

seokjin @jiminnight the highest accolade for mister jin can only be you miss jojo!!! you’re another person who seems to be friends with everyone and i always see you finding a way to tag someone in very specific posts!! ofc you have the usual bias posts but posts to do with cats or turtles you’ve got it covered!!! you’re always just spreading the love just like jin would and wooeowirowow i think it’s beautiful,, mister heart man??? you’re another embodiment of him nd you deserve this role the most!!! goshdfoh please your description is gonna end up being so long so im just gonna have to cut it a bit short because skfdjskg GOSH i love u both you really just like jin you’re really loving nd caring nd talented and uhhhffhhhfh you own my heart too??? so comparing u to the love of my life?? not wildt .

yoongi @ilysmchan this is another one im gonna find hard to explain but uhhfhfhfh yoongi is ½ of my sons nd guess what!!! you’re both just so small nd loveable nd i really wanna just protect you both with my whole soul!!!!!! you both own my heart nd wowowowow absolute intellectual beings here to bless our existence honestly!!! you may find the next bit to be a reach but HEAR ME OUT okay you make really cool audio edits like a talented legend u are nd guess who else is pretty good at producing sounds nd stuff uhhfhh you guessed it!! yoongle doongle. you are both excellent meme quality nd never fail to make other laugh and smile and wow u really do light up my day!! and have i mentioned I love you both very much???? i luv my soft children okay!!!!! i make a vow to always protect my faves okay???? okay!!!!!!!!

hoseok @ktheaven NADINE DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN OHMYGOSHD okay so u know how i go on about hobi being my whole ass crush that i get flustered by cause he’s so adorable and I love him with all my heart because he’s literally a happy pill full of lov???? well miss nadine you literally ooze the same positivity vibes as mister hoseok does!!! your positivity posts constantly enlighten me and pretty much everyone who comes across them and you really do spread around happiness just like that!!! mister hobi is the sunshine of my life okay?? and here you are literally being a happy pill and you fit that role so well nadine!!! hoseok really has my heart, he is so adorable and godhfhdh miss nadine guess what??? you’re his competition!!! that’s i right i went there okokok you really make me blush with your adorableness and just all round love that i dont deserve nd wooowodwow I lOve You whole ass cutie

jimin @1jmins DIA!!!! im screeching cause we were literally discussing this the other day skfjsk you nd jimin are so similar in so many ways!!! i feel sorry for anyone who hasnt been blessed by the look of ur visuals yet,, i mean,,, a face carved by angels fit with cute cheeks nd the most beautiful plump lips??? check! the most kindest caring personality and a heart full of lov for your friends???? check!!!! the only thing that’s lacking is the love of mangoes but we will overlook that because let’s be honest the most adorable personality traits outweigh bad food tastes okay???? okay!!!!!! also my heart is rlly full of love for the both of you like honestly the purest souls i have ever come across in my life!!! you’re both soft nd cute and really own my heart wowowoow like he never really fails to make me smile ever he is just the most beautiful boi nd wowow look at his competition!! every time i see u in my notifs my heart does the thing and beats faster because wowowoeoww i lov having u as a friend okay?!?!/ i love you incase u couldnt tell!!!

taehyung @okjimin uhhuhuf this is another one im gonna find hard to explain but i rlly feel this one okay???? miss jenna sometimes ur posts are wild nd you know who else is slightly wild?? mullet boi tae. skfjf i was just scrolling through your blog nd you bought expensive ass boots nd tbh that’s such a power move that (1) taehyung would do!!! thats just something i find similar between the both of you and its just the powerful aura you give off its rlly somethin oof nd that’s only one example out of multiple why you rlly pull of tae vibes for me,, of course i cannot write a mini love post for both of you without mentioning cute, bubbly personality you both have and the thing where you make everyone smile no matter what!!!! yeah!!! that really gets my heart beating!!!!! and gosh do i even begin to mention the visuals????? mister taehyung was voted #1 best lookin man in the world nd miss jenna you really are the equivalent in my books!!! ur gorgeous golden locks nd all round perfection????!!? you’re both my ultimate crushes and i lov u very much okaokay

jungkook @piedparkjimin dakota blease DONT even doubt this for a second okay you nd jungkook are talented bbys nd honestly dance legends okay???? mister jjk is just such an all rounder like he is really out there dancing his way through life nd being good at everything and stealing everyone’s heart and wow would u look at the similarities cause u really did the same with me okay?????? the sweetest most pure babies ever like wowowoowow i wanna protect so bad like i literally feel like you mum sometimes skfjdj i have u on snapchat okay so I don’t need to explain when i say personality wise you are v good at bein weird ass crackheads when u need to it’s wild okay skfj but also u are my young baby friend that i wanna protect at all costs so it’s no surprise that you’d be ½ of my sons okay…. lov u my tiny daughter

#shdkfjdj i didn’t think of this talent wise or position wise at all im dumb sorry #skfjskjf I i love you all and sorry if your description makes no sense!!!! #also I feel bad but there are only 7 of them so i really did choose the first people who came to my mind!!! #anon #answered

[nspx]

a non-cohesive rambling post about tlj

buckle in boys because what the fuck

also. spoilers. so many spoilers

right so i’ve been reading some posts and mainly it’s all ‘rian johnson u asshole’ and ‘star wars is ruined forever’ BUT i dont think it is?? not completely anyway?

i thought the movie was. good? i mean. coming out of the theater i thought to myself i like this, it’s fine. and it is fine, but not. not it, you know? it had its ups and downs and honestly im surprised it’s getting so much hate, because i actually kind of. liked it? but there was some bullshit, yall 

l u k e s k y w a l k e r

my sweet son what did the bad man do to you?? i mean. i. i??? 

LUKE “THERE IS STILL GOOD IN YOU, I CAN SENSE IT” SKYWALKER TRIED TO KILL HIS OWN NEPHEW???? BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID OF HIS POWER??? THE LUKE THAT T H R E W AWAY HIS LIGHTSABER IN FRONT OF THE EMPEROR BECAUSE HE //BELIEVED// IN HIS FATHER??? TRIED TO KILL A TEENAGE BOY - HIS FLESH AND BLOOD!!!!! - IN HIS SLEEP??

right, so. i believe that luke is a nuanced character with flaws. and i believe that there have been times when he struggled with his own grasp of light and dark, this being one of these times. but?? trying to murder his nephew??? 

during the movie i thought that maybe luke looking into ben’s darkness made him fall into his own a little bit? because i just don’t see luke that way. luke always believed in the good in people. he saw the good in vader - v a d e r - who was so far gone he didn’t even believe it himself anymore. and you’re telling me he truly didn’t believe kylo could be saved? or even helped? that he deserved to die, even if he believed this just for a moment?

other than that. i found luke had his good moments in the film as well. using the force to trick kylo, so that the rebellion had time to escape. or the beautiful moment where luke was looking at the sunset, the end of his journey in parallel to the sunset in anh, the beginning of his journey. pure poetry. a+

sitting with yoda and watching the tree burn? turning into a force ghost? threatening to haunt kylo forever?

leia and luke sitting down together? luke kissing leia on the forehead? good shit

but. the scene with luke squeezing milk out of that creatures tits and drinking it savagely. i... that could’ve been avoided. i mean. it did make rey see that she didn’t necessarily find what she had been looking for, but? honestly this movie disrespected my son, luke skywalker, so bad but also. the scene where he wiped nonexistent dust off his shoulder? such a badass move

(”see you around, kid” my soul descended from this astral plane to another, i love u luke)

snoke 

what the fuck

what the fuck what kind of bullshit. hes so weak. hes such a bullshit character, honestly. general grievous would’ve eaten him for breakfast and grievous is a pussy bitch. he wouldn’t have survived a day in the clone wars. palpatine would’ve projected his ass into the cold reaches of the galaxy with a mere look. fuck this snoke guy how am i supposed to take him seriously

that dumb speech?? fuck that guy. seeing him die was cathartic but at the same time anticlimactic cuz like?? too easy. -12/10 villian

onto the next point

K Y L O R E N 

or should i say, ben solo? who even are you kylo? make up your damn mind

like. you want to be good but you also kinda wanna be the leader of a new fascist government. you kinda love rey but also?? ‘you’re nothing’ MMMMM i think the fuck not boy “but not to me” nice save loser

honestly..... i have such a love hate relationship with kylo. because the way this movie was set up and what r*an did to luke.... u kinda see that he made it so that everyone just knows that.... LUKE FAILED KYLO OK. he truly did. luke was afraid of ben and he could never truly offer him the support that he needed because /fear/ *cue to yoda cackling like a maniac (what the fuck was that all about, also)* drove him to madness, i guess?

but then again kylo also burned everything down right after he collapsed a whole building on his uncle and went on a 10 year long murderous rampage, so? how am i supposed to defend u kylo get it together already

BUT THENNNN, like. this snoke character manipulated him all along? that doesn’t excuse kylo’s actions but ya know. hm. idk. all snoke did was abuse kylo and then he was like “ah my shining beautiful strong apprentice i have always believed in you”. what the fuck. at least be a little intimidating. 

honestly kylo should’ve just clocked him in the face with his dumb fucking mask instead of ruining the elevator, what a missed opportunity and waste of resources

kylo ren/rey

honestly. i mean. im not here for or against this ship. because i see both sides of it (like, kylo is a murderous asshole that abused rey and murdered millions, but also - redemption arc? i love a redemption arc bitcc fuck me up)

personally i’m less interested in their ~love bond than i am in their force bond because it’s so fucking epic, my dudes. e p i c 

we always had anakin or luke as these two all-powerful people that carried the entire balance of the force by themselves but now we have two people, so completely different and y e t they r two halves of one whole and i love that so much

they’re both incredibly strong. i like that there is both light and dark in both of them. they complete each other. i don’t see their ~relationship happening tbh like we won’t get an anidala level of romance, i just think this force bound destiny thing is an interesting idea

their long distance skype call force connection? loves it, the force is magical

(”you’re not alone” “neither are you” i cannot believe. i cannot believe. “can you cover yourself up” *crickets* i’m dead)

rey’s parentage

mmmm. i keep seeing people complain she isn’t a skywalker. i was 100% sure she was but now i’m kinda glad she isn’t? the force sure loves her tragic desert children

she came from nothing but now she’s the very last jedi, the last hope for the galaxy, and i LOVE THAT. 

the rebellion

ok. ok. i am devastated

the rebellion truly did lose so much in this movie. sooo much. i’m crying. what for? was that necessary? 

and poe? my son. i love him. general hugs? i cried laughing. my son

but whaaat the fuck was the deal with admiral purple hair? ever heard of communicating like a normal person? like, telling poe what she was planning would’ve saved them sooo much bullshit? but telling poe would’ve cut the movie in half sooo

so many lives were lost because?? felt like really no reason at all, just miscommunication and people - the good guys - fighting each other?? it was sooo unsettling

like. so much of this movie i felt like the characters started out doing one thing and in the middle of the writing process the writers were like mmm no wait let’s go in a completely different direction which has 0 to do with anything at all yes brilliant

but then poe’s speech at the end? the last of the rebellion all together in the falcon? there is hope there is always h o p e 

honorary mention

general hugs 

i hate him but also kinda. respect him? he’s an asshole but he was ready to shoot kylo ren, he was ready to go

other things i found (REALLY!!) bothersome

the lack of finnrey

the lack of finnpoe

just the mains interacting?? 

things i really liked

rose!! and her sister!! their backstory was so touching! also, rose is force sensitive and so is finn. don’t fight me on this. did you see the bond between rose and animals? a ~force bond. d o n t fight me.

l e i a - i cried, ugh. this really was her movie

the humor!! this really was a funny movie

the cinematography - some of the shots really were breath taking

i saw a lot of little tidbits alluding to the other sw movies and also other sci fi movies, i liked that

THE KIDS IN THE CITY!!! 

THE LITTLE BOY AT THE END!!! HE’S FORCE SENSITIVE!! THE JEDI WILL COME BACK THEY WILL COME BACK THEY ALWAYS COME BACK!! loves it

the Force (leia surviving space? luke projecting himself all the way to a random ass planet? LUKE OPENING HIMSELF UP TO THE FORCE AGAIN? HOW REY IS SO POWERFUL SHE CRACKED OPEN THE ISLAND?? i love. the force loves all of her children and will go to ridiculous lengths to make sure they stay alive)

anway i’ll be screaming about this movie for a month despite all of its flaws have a good night

#the last jedi #the last jedi spoilers #kylo ren #rey #luke skywalker #TALK TO ME #talk to me i have feelings

[icharchivist]

Okay okay so, it’s not like i just ended up listening to Stella on repeat again (but i just did) but i was thinking about the new songs in general bc, in Me Against the World, we see the reaction of the BB and MTC about how they lost the Rap Battles, and they both handle it with different degree and all, but we don’t see FP’s reaction at all to their loss, yet Stella is probably the biggest hint at their reactions to their defeat in a way the others new songs aren’t. 

In fact FP doesn’t even spend time with their leader in Me Against the World, Ramuda is off being shady, while all the others divisions reflect on how they apprehended the rap battles, with the Brothers all feeling like they’re the one who failed their others brothers and having to lift each other up, Samatoki congratulating his Crew for bringing them this far with also a glimpse that what mattered to him was winning against Ichiro, and MTR being very responsible about their win and Jakurai thinking about the future/what the government is planning with some nostalgia for the TDD days and Ramuda and esp being doubtful of Ramuda.

And yeah meanwhile we have neat interraction w/ Gentaro and Dice but they don’t focus on the fact they lost on the first round at all (even if Jakurai reassures that everyone was v powerful and all), Gentaro and Dice are just off being... themselves and teasing each other and completely forget that the rest of the world exist and all, and it makes sense since they are the band that was formed in the whole “we live in the moment” so there’s no point ressassing about their loss, anyway. 

While i don’t have the official translations of Dead Pools and Papiyon yet, there’s at least a few themes in the newest songs that i find kinda touching: 

The Bros are immediatly back at being dorks and at uplifting their division with a radio show, they embrace the bit of starhood they’re getting to be happy representant of their divisons - the song is super cheerful and full of love with the brothers bickering and having fun.

I have no idea what Papiyon is about (this is written in katakana and it makes me wonder if it’s meant to be from the french “Papillon”? Which would be butterfly, ephemerical victory), but I doubt MTR has really reasons to be moody per se after their win, and i’m pretty sure at least Hifumi brings up celebrating their win with Champagne even if Doppo has his usual mental breakdown midsong.

For Dead Pools i can only focus on the English parts, which gives more a feeling of well, the opening line, “we haven’t done nothing yet” - that they are mentioning their loss but in a way of “we’ll be better next time you’ll see” way. 

*punches a table* which expectingly brings me to Stella which already stands out for being a story written by Gentaro, that was said to explicit about how he saw the Posse - already out of the others song it is the most factually distached from what happened in their world, while being the most honest about the feelings and emotions developped within the song.

And even there i say that with a double edged sword bc if the theories saying Dice is Otome’s son is true (so him being the son of the current president who made a Coup d’Etat to get in power), the whole “Dice is a King” part of the song is even more insidious than just how Gentaro sees him (although i doubt Gentaro has any reasons to believe that from Dice and considering the Messiah part and how Dice’s motif is the motif of Salvation i do think Gentaro is just that enamoured with Dice (or, shipping goggles aside, at least sees Dice as the redeeming factor of the reeked group of misfits they are since he does have a low opinion of himself and doesn’t trust Ramuda completely while being fully aware of Dice’s honesty) but i disgress), and it explains this whole Dice’s verse. (Talking about how the rest of the countries had been destroyed by wars even if Dice is not there to have a hand on it, “A gate to the undone rule of might” is VERY SHADY considering this is LITTERALLY what Chuukiukou is, The whole Fugitive motif and the throne being far far away and that his ideals are just “a poison playing to the crowd” - If Dice is really Otome’s son the whole verse takes a whole grim turn)

ANYWAY i disgress again bc I could ramble for hours from then on, the also hints of the “hypnotizing history” and “trapping people in their social status” that Gentaro sneaked in his verse, and honestly between that and the novel Gentaro wrote about “twins being separated by the government” it feels like Gentaro criticize the Gov’ a lot in his fictions and it may explain a part of why the government is keeping an eye on him - or it’s the opposite and the reason he got the gov’s interest is why Gentaro is now vocal about it, buT

MY POINT 

is that Stella is far more personal onto the three main characters about connecting each other,to create important bounds with each other because they are too alike to disregard each other, which imo feels a lot like trying to reach out to Ramuda (which they textually do in the song anyway) since Ramuda, while being the one who reunited them, is the one who keeps the most distance with them. 

And then in the whole last part of the song (which was my initial point but i got lost along the way), is all about Keeping Moving Forward even while Still Making Mistakes - it’s the most frontal into admitting their defeat they could get, as a Mistake they made along the way, but it’s just a part of the path, and their future is far brighter.

And anyway i just find it very sweet that FP was the one band that neglected talking about their feelings in the Drama Track but is the one to express it in Song. Because it fits them perfectly doesn’t it? The guys who live in the present, who keeps hiding their troubles and who they truly are, but song, especially written by Gentaro, makes sense to get it out. If Gentaro’s character song is anything to get by, he can get much more blunt while he’s actually writting, while he can dress the truth up with all sort of lies to distract from it.

Hell i say that but i should look no further than when Ramuda recruit him, he tells him that the fiction he writes are always joyful and beautiful but “there’s always a sense of loneliness in them”. We know Gentaro tells lies and stories to cheer people up, to have them have fun, even if it isolates him further away.

So to have Stella a song about unification is already huge, but the fact is still that this song reeks in loneliness for the first three verses but then is all too united and is exactly what Gentaro needs catharist for aND especially, that the more lies Gentaro tells the more he can dress the truth up. 

Gentaro uses a story like always to share his true feelings, something he wouldn’t face full front and this is where they address their loss by a hopeful insight in the future. That this is how they end up facing their defeat and their future.

I’ve ended up rambling but Stella does that to me

tl;dr it’s funny that FP is the only band that doesn’t actually show reaction to their defeat in the Me Against the World Drama Track, yet is also the band to address it the more bluntly in their song, yet it fits so much the characters, especially Gentaro who wrote the song, to exteriorize their feelings only as long as there’s enough “make believe” to hide them.

EDIT: and WHILE IM AT IT since half of my reasoning is there, Stella is probably the song that touches the most on the politics of their world than the others songs did, since again the fact you can dress up the truth with too much make beliefs make it easier to hide the critism, but i really don’t think any of the other bands is that frontal about criticizing the government on that regard?? but there i’d really need the rest of the translations to be sure. Anyway Stella is a masterpiece.

And i’m emotional over Stella all over again

#long post for ts #in case tumblr mobile screws up #*softly sobs* anyway i love stella #ichatalks about stella #ichatalks about hpm #this song has no business being that good that's all i'm saying #hhh

[dangkinronpas]

Greetings! Um... may I have some positivity for Ibuki who really... wants to kill themselves? This week has been the absolute worst. I just wish I was prettier, more talented, and that my friends would reach out to me more because I feel like nobody cares or would notice if I disappear... sorry if this is a little much. Thank you! (Also, even if one of them don't do this, welcome new mods!)

Hey thanks for the welcome! But that’s not the important thing right now, so uh, positivity below the cut c:

Hey Ibuki, sorry to hear that your week has been extremely bad. I personally, can barely handle a bad day or two. Man, I probably can’t even handle an hour of bad vibes? So saying I could handle a day is too egotistical of me. I guess what i’m trying to say is that you’re just strong for hanging in there even if at the moment you want to die. It’s just one bad week Ibuki, we all have bad weeks, days, heck sometimes even years. I can assure you that bad things shouldn’t last for long. Have you ever heard of the saying a positive mind means a positive life and that a negative mind means a negative life (or something along the lines.)? If you view things in a negative light, then those things aren’t going to be so pleasant to see/use/do, hopefully that makes sense otherwise im just rambling nonsense. 

OKAY IM SORRY FOR SCOLDING YOU FOR THIS BUT

I wish, wish, wish. No, stop that >:v. You ARE pretty, you ARE talented, you just gotta believe that you ARE and then you shall be. Don’t doubt yourself like that. Don’t compare yourself to others like that. I know that is hard, I know. Unfortunately we live in a society where we compare, we try to climb to the top to see who’s the best? who’s the prettiest? We have stupid standards where we think we should act, dress, and do things that would consider someone “normal” or would meet up with someone’s expectations. No, no no no! You just have to be you. Wouldn’t that just make things better? None of the “I wish I was.” Being you is already enough because you are perfect just the way you are. Being happy with yourself is quite frankly the toughest thing anyone has to go through and honestly I wish society’s standards would disappear because they make precious people like yourself unhappy when you shouldn’t >:v

Don’t say that. Don’t say that no one would care if you disappear because that’s not true. Please please please, don’t believe in that. I know it wouldn’t seem much for a stranger but I would miss you and even if your friends don’t reach out to you so much I’m sure they would notice too and miss you as well. Our feelings can be deceiving Ibuki, they make us feel like no one cares or that we’re terrible human beings, etc., when all of that isn’t true at all. 

If you do consider suicide or self harm, I beg that you try some alternatives, contact a hotline or just talk it out with someone you’re close to. I don’t mind listening! 

Please take care, be safe, have a lovely day/night! ~Mod Masaru

#mod masaru #positivity #kin positivity #long post #suicide ment// #suicide//

[thedegenerateasexual]

more let’s talk about love under the cut, chapters 17-26:

chapter 17:

this is fully just a feenie and alice fight and tbh feenie is so in the wrong it’s ridiculous

“[Ryan] thinks we ditched you last night.”

“You did ditch me.” She laughed a little.

“Yeah. Well. Anyway, just call him.”

Alice couldn’t even pretend to be mad. Ryan had to be the sweetest person on the planet and besides, it had all worked out. “So you’re just not going to apologize?” she joked.

“Are you going to apologize?” Feenie shot back.

“For what?”

“For fucking leaving.”

(Ah, there it was.)

(Damn it.)

“Um, well, not to be petty, but you left me first.”

“We went upstairs. You actually left the party. That is not the same thing.” She looked Alice right in the eyes. “I’m not going to apologize for having sex with my boyfriend when you fucking jumped ship the first chance you got because you couldn’t stand being alone for thirty minutes. Miss me with that bullshit.”

WOW

dude she was ASSAULTED and could have been RAPED you do not get to be like that lmao it was unsafe for her to be there alone

so much for feenie being the good egg

chapter 18:

so she’s telling takumi about the fight and feenie and ryan and:

“Tell me about them. What do you like most?”

“Ryan is the literal light of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as considerate and driven as him. He’s all-around amazing. And Feenie, well, she’s my oldest friend and soulmate. Her word, not mine, but I believe it,” Alice said before laughing at a random memory that popped into her head. “When we were little, people used to call us Ebony and Ivory, which is kind of offensive now that I’m thinking about it.”

“But she’s dating Ryan? And you’re okay with that?” The back end of her taco fell onto her plate with a small bit of it landing on her shirt. Takumi passed her some napkins.

“Oh, it’s not like a romantic kind of soulmate,” she said, dabbing her shirt. “Feenie’s pretty hardcore, but she has her sentimental moments. Once she said if reincarnation were real, we’d meet each other in every single life because nothing can keep us apart. We’re meant to be.”

He looked confused. “If you’re soulmates, aren’t you supposed to be in love with each other? That’s how it works.”

“I suppose it could be romantic or whatever, but she has Ryan. They’re meant to be right now, but we’re meant to be forever, if that makes sense.”

He finished chewing before saying, “Not really.”

Oh Boy

omg aw he offered to let her crash at his place for a bit until it blows over

“I never lived with my best friends, but I know what it’s like when they start dating and suddenly, everything feels like them versus you and they’re all you have. You don’t have to slink around feeling terrible. If you need space, I have space.”

She wanted to kiss his cheek.

Kiss. His. Cheek.

alice is so gone. i have only liked someone enough to voluntarily kiss their cheek one (1) time. it’s a rare feeling. i guess she cheek kisses more than i do tho. she platonically cheek-kisses!

hahahahaha and so since he’s babysitting his nieces that evening guess who gets roped into it! i would probably literally kiss a stranger on the cheek before i willingly interacted with their children alone

chapter 19:

while crashed out at takumi’s alice looks at one of his photography albums:

Near the end of the album, it happened: Takumi and the girl kissing.

“Wow, you’re real fond of that whole kissing thing.”

“And you’re not?”

“I don’t dislike kissing.” Alice closed that album and picked another. “I also don’t take pictures of myself while doing it.”

alice u liar u hate kissing

haha look at her fishing around to see if it’s safe tho

“So,” Alice began, drawing out the word, “kissing is important to you?”

“Honestly expressing my feelings is important to me.” He flipped a page. There were several pictures of a bonfire at night. A Southeast-Asian guy with dewy brown skin was wrapped in a red blanket, laughing in one photo. “Sometimes that means kissing. Or spending three days editing photos and videos together for my brother. Or letting a girl I just met stay in my house and look through my pictures because she’s scared to go home.”

i cannot BELIEVE he is being so smooth when she is literally going thru pics of him & his ex...also like How Candid honestly

“I spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out. Like, my feelings and sorting through my thoughts. I don’t think I overthink, but I like to know why things are the way they are for me and why they’re different for someone else.”

“I think everyone does that.”

“No, they don’t. At least, I don’t think they do. Not the way I do it,” she said. “So. Like. If I ask you something and it seems strange, I’m not being weird, I’m trying to understand.”

ACE MOOD like i said it’s a contemplative existence

chapter 20:

aw man alice went back to therapy after all just to talk about feenie and ryan (theyre still not speaking)

it’s not a v long chapter but anyways

chapter 21:

Ryan caved first.

THANK GOD

Feenie took longer to come around. No one mentioned anything, let alone apologized. Her simply consisted of asking Alice if Family Night for that week could be on Thursday. When she had learned Alice had been hiding at Takumi’s, she curiously had nothing to say, no questions to ask, no teasing jokes to make Alice squirm.

yikes

yk tho for real feenie is a really well written character...like alice, you want to like her, but part of you also wonder if the relation has played its course, which is heartbreaking. nice job 10/10

anyway she and ryan are hanging out and takumi called her from a bar for a ride lol he’s hammered 

and ryan like...really really tried to get her to not leave again and she kissed him on the cheek again? and before i was like, aw, cute, how platonic! and now i am Wary of both ryan and feenie. like is he emotionally cheating on feenie with her...is that a thing...i don’t like it

OH SHIT back at his house he’s gotten kind of rambly and:

“If you were dating someone, and you knew they loved you with their whole heart, had absolutely no doubts about it, could you cheat on them?”

Obviously, that question sent her mind into overdrive, connecting all the dots. A roommate who moved out suddenly. A part-time job to cover his rent. Essie telling her he’s single “now.”

Takumi had a someone.

A someone who had, apparently, cheated on him.

hhhhholy shit

“Me personally?” she asked finally. “No. I mean, it’s highly unlikely.”

Cheating on someone was one of those things she was destined to never understand. Choosing to not have sex with someone else didn’t seem like that hard of a concept to grasp, and yet she had comforted more than one person who had been cheated on.

you should NOT have to be ace to understand this shit why are people Like this

So he told her.

All of it.

Everything Alice did and didn’t want to know.

Takumi and his ex-girlfriend and former almost-wife, Rena, had started dating in college when they were nineteen. And it just … worked. They had gone to the same college, lived together for two years, and then earlier this year, she cheated on him. She had always been a social butterfly (his words) and an innocent flirt (her words), but when it came to some guy named Thad (Alice’s words: “Really? That’s his name?”), that innocence fluttered. Except it wasn’t only Thad. She cheated again with someone else. And once more for good measure before they broke up.

They began talking again a few weeks ago, very tentative (his words). Tomorrow night, they were supposed to have dinner to talk about being friends again and possiblyseeing if that could lead somewhere back to being together, but he had seen her kissing some guy downtown earlier. Which was why he was so drunk. He realized that even though she might have missed him (her words), she didn’t really want to be with him anymore (his words).

Y I K E S

ohhh man this is so sweet though like he asked her for relationship advice and she totally fumbled through it because of limited experience but she honest-to-god tried her best

chapter 22:

lol alice’s mom called and is on her ass about being a lawyer again...alice was like gimme 3 weeks to come up w/ a new plan bc i cant deal w/ being a lawyer im proud of her

oh shit it’s feenie backstory time

“Marie called me yesterday.” Marie—Feenie’s mom. “She worked whatever connections she has and had my case for fighting that dude in the bar last year thrown out. Apparently, that gave her the right to interrogate me. She wanted to know when I was going back to school, why I was wasting my life, why I was embarrassing her like this.” Feenie exhaled. “I want to have a family with Ryan because that’s what’s right for me. I don’t get how me wanting to get knocked up and be a housewife affects her. She doesn’t want me to have kids, so she’s never going to see them. Even if I die, she will never see them.”

Alice knew that. She’d known it for years.

In elementary school, when they were told to be doctors and astronauts and firefighters, Feenie stood up and said she wanted to be a mom. Back then, her favorite game had been House. Feenie was always the stay-at-home mom, while Alice was the working mom, and they had seven stuffed-animal children. Feenie did all the cooking, cleaning, and made sure Alice had her newspaper when she got home from work.

She wanted to be everything Marie hadn’t been for her even then.

Their relationship ultimately died when Marie wished Feenie had never been born. She said Feenie ruined all the plans she’d had for herself.

ohhhhh honey ))): okay some of my waryness has abated no wonder she’s like that

oh nevermind feenie immediately bit her head off when she mentioned takumi feenie sucks

chapter 23:

movie night with takumi and alice!! not much to copypasta but this near the end:

She took a deep breath. “I’m not ready to share. I don’t want to tell you.”

It was his turn to fix her hood. (He knew not to touch her hair.) “Okay,” he said. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

But part of her did want to. Her secret shouldn’t even have been one—it should have been a nonissue. Why couldn’t being asexual just be accepted?

Why did she have to spend the rest of her life coming out over and over and over…? And once she did, would people always expect her to talk about it? It would always be a huge deal, she would always be subjected to questions, and she would always have to defend herself.

Would it ever stop feeling like A Thing, a barrier, between her and everyone else?

LITERALLY! god what a mood

chapter 24:

also short, but when alice spotted feenie shopping for wedding dresses and offered to come along we had this exchange:

Feenie clicked her tongue. “Sure you can pry yourself away from Takumi long enough to spend time with me?”

Alice sighed and stood up. Feenie didn’t stop her.

ok look 1. feenie was so disappointed they didnt bang and now this?? 2. she gets to ditch alice at the party to be with her BF but alice doesn’t get to date anyone?? wow

chapter 25:

i could have honestly pasted the entire thing because it’s so goddamn cute and i can’t pick a favorite part but the tl;dr is that takumi is sick and alice went over to take care of him and he kept talking about how great she was in a slightly fever-addled way

wait no i can paste my least favorite part:

“Yeah. I haven’t heard from him in two days, but he called in sick on Saturday.”

Ryan twirled the screwdriver between his fingers, focused. “Are you sure he’s actually sick?”

“It’s either that or he’s packing and needed some time off.” Alice shrugged. “He already signed the lease for his new place.”

“Maybe he’s doing something else that doesn’t involve you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ryan’s face was so open, so honest. It always told the truth before he was ready to speak.

(Basically, he couldn’t lie to save his life.)

“I just think it’s funny that you talk to him and see him every day and all of a sudden he disappears and doesn’t tell you why. I mean, you’re guessing he’s sick or packing. You don’t actually know.”

WHY are they being like this with her wow they are HORRIBLE best friends

also, theyre getting married in 6 months vs two years suddenly. feenie moved up the date :/

chapter 26:

ALICE AND FEENIE AND RYAN ARE FINALLY HAVING IT OUT:

“You spend a lot of time with him.”

“You two spend a lot of time together without me.”

“That’s different. We’re engaged.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for you both to remember I exist?”

“Of course not, but you shouldn’t edge us out. You’re the one making it as if it has to be him or us.”

“How am I doing that? And why is this all my fault? Why do you two have a Get Out of Ditching Alice pass that I’m supposed to accept because you say so? How is that fair to me?”

“We don’t ditch you,” Ryan said.

“You do. You have for years. I just don’t say anything because I don’t want us to fight, but the second I find an actual friend on my own, you two act like this. Neither of you said anything when I spent time with Margot. Why is Takumi suddenly different?”

shit dude! she’s right! and then feenie enters:

“Maybe we minded then and didn’t say anything either.”

Alice whipped around at the sound of Feenie’s voice. Feenie leaned against the refrigerator, arms crossed.

“Maybe,” she continued, “we were really hurt, but you were too busy being happy to notice. Just like right now.”

An enraged fierceness made the edges of Alice’s vision turn red. She balled her hands into fists. “I wouldn’t even have met Margot if you hadn’t decided to move in with Ryan at the last minute. The millisecond you two started dating, he came first. You started to choose him over me every single time.” She turned that rage on Ryan. “And you have always chosen her over me.” Her phone buzzed. “Takumi’s outside.” She slung her purse strap over her shoulder while marching for the door.

man this is fucking sad i hope they make this better somehow :/

anyway she goes to hang out w/ takumi and 

“You wound me, madam.” He clutched his chest, wincing. “Especially since it’s your fault. It’s hard not to have an ego when you’ve told me you love my beautiful face.”

“Shut it.”

“How beautiful are we talking here? What’s my code?”

She groaned. “Not this again.”

OMG IS SHE GONNA TELL HIM...i’m on the edge of my seat here

“Tell me and I’ll bake you cookies when I’m not sick.”

“What kind of cookies?” she asked, leaning back into his arms. “And you have to use real flour. None of that ultra-buckwheat high-fiber stuff.”

“Oatmeal chocolate chip?”

“Deal.” She stared at the ceiling. “Black. I’d like two dozen cookies, please.”

just shrieked

“Black? I thought the Cutie Code was Green to Red.”

“It is. Was.” The gears and wheels turning inside Alice’s head locked into place as realization sank in. Meeting Takumi had challenged everything she thought she knew about herself, made her work to find out who she was on a fundamental level. He challenged her in the best way possible, wholly unaware of the effect he had on her, pushing her so far out of her comfort zone she had to question everything. She had discovered, no, was still discovering, who she was now, who she wanted to be, what she could and could not handle. He had given her a reason to reconnect with herself.

Feenie had been right—this, he, would always be someone she would want to remember.

“You exceeded my Cutie Code,” she said. “You’re the reason why I retired it. I don’t need it anymore.”

NOOOOO she should keep her cutie code! don’t throw it away fro some boy! even a great boy! it’s too good!

“I need to tell you something.” She took a step back. “Like, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it because I need to tell you this first.”

O H S H I T HERE IT COMES

i know this is probably a happy book and he’ll accept her but i’m still so stressed out

“So you know how some people like jogging?”

“I’m one of those people, so yes.”

“Ah, yeah, okay. That worked out.” Her breathy laugh sounded forced. “So, you see, I am not one of those people. I don’t care about jogging.”

“Mmm…” He squinted at her for a moment. “Somehow, I knew that.”

“Oh, great. Good. This is going well.” Her hands began to shake. She pressed her fingers to her lips to steel herself before continuing. “Now take the word jogging and replace it with sex.”

“You don’t like sex?”

(Wow, he asked that fast.)

“No.” She held up her hand. “No, the correct sentence is I don’t care about sex.” She took a deep breath and held it. “Because I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”

HTAT’S A GREAT ANALOGY

that’s much better than my “i’m the way gay guys feel about girls and the way gay girls feel about guys all at the same time”

“Huh,” he said, face neutral. “I thought you were bisexual.”

“I am. Minus the sexual.” She waited, watching him process through her answer. She waited for the judgment, the questions, the confusion, the thoughtful concern followed by the inevitable interruptions. Second by second, it dawned on her that she waited in vain because he was waiting for her. “My sexuality is nope.” She laughed with relief because still, second by second, he continued to wait, to listen. So she laughed again, tiny bubbles of happy that floated out of her.

HES LISTENING TO HER I LOVE THIS NOBODY ELSE BOTHERED BUT HE’S LISTENING

“How many people have you told?”

“Explicitly? You’re number four. Feenie, Ryan, and a counselor I’m seeing.”

Takumi started to speak but closed his mouth and stood up straight, focusing on the counter. Each second he didn’t look at her made tiny seeds of dread bloom in the depths of her soul. “That’s why you’re happy,” he mumbled. He nodded as if he couldn’t stop and sighed before looking at her again. His eyes had taken on a glossy, reddened tint.

“Thank you for trusting me. Realizing that, um,” Takumi said, pausing for a moment, “that hit me kind of hard.”

“What do you mean?” Alice asked quietly.

“Four. Obviously, you’ve been keeping this a secret for a reason.”

She hadn’t been thinking about trust when she told him. Ryan and Feenie had been there when she figured it out (thank God). Dr. Burris had to pry it out of her, didn’t he? And she still couldn’t say the word properly to him. Telling Takumi had been a choice—not by chance or out of necessity. It was her decision, completely on her own.

(She trusted him.)

htis fucking book hasnt made me cry in like a dozen chapters and i thought the heavy shit was over but nooooooo

and like lol i keep saying this text is calling me out...not to get personal, Again, but literally u realize stuff about urself when you read shit like this...i always play like i’m so comfortable with everything but the truth is i put ace on my profile and let other people google it and it has nothing to do with me i never see it--i dont think i’ve ever told ANYBODY irl so like...tbh i couldn’t get it out as well as she did i bet like you go alice

“I wasn’t trying to have sex with you the other night,” he said. “And I am so, so sorry if I made you feel that way.”

He was so close and so far away, as if there was an imaginary pane of glass between them. She wanted him to hug her and make the tension go away.

“No, I didn’t think that at all. That’s not why I told you.”

“This should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, partly because I want to, but also because I think you need to hear it. If knowing you’re asexual makes someone see you differently, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. My feelings for you are exactly the same as they were an hour ago. This doesn’t change anything between us.”

HEYYYYYYYYYY YEAH!!!!! i’m so happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!! if anybody ever said anything like this to me i’d die on the spot!!!!!!!! YOU GO ALICE

gotta break this post here bc it’s getting long again, hopefully i can finish the rest of the book before dawn & in the next one

#personal #LTAL

[harmonizedheroine]

Winter2017

I. Confused - Jan2

Here I am, sitting at the mesmerizing cliffs of dover pretending that I am making decisions that are worthwhile, writing words that I thought could offer me solace. It is my last year here and I fear that there is no clarity near, like I will always be drowning in the same relentless cycle of malcontent.

It’s almost choking me at this point, the thickness of the grime from that past year inching up towards my cranium, threatening to fill up my brain with its thoughtless dark.

But, at the stroke of midnight all of that passed. The silent orb of brightness escaped the shadows and caressed my face… “You’re so beautiful.” I melt under rays of endless summer that promise me joy, joy and nothing more.

I remember, there was a cloudy shine awaiting me outside, but I shouldn’t have left. What if I missed it. The chance, the opportunity, the perfect one.

But, there’s a whole year. A whole year to figure out how I can near my inevitable bliss because I know one day I can reach it. I can achieve happiness and I am willing to persevere whatever obstacles I must in order to do so.

“This is my year,” they all say each year. But, I mean it. This is the year that I take control of my life because fate is passing. I have to do something because if I don’t, who will?

So, this is me…and these are the ramblings of a mad woman. I can’t wait to spend the next year with you and I hope this post grows as long as….the Nile River.

II. Ability - Jan5

I want to be able to…

reach the moon with only the help of one balloon,

break through the walls with a single push…pop,

make my childhood last as long as infinity

time and record the blissful surrender into calamity

witness the dark and passionate affair with a soul that of Dorian’s

worry even the smallest person passing me by

capture the attention of an untamed lion with a gaze

because god only knows what I’d be without you.

III. Weirdo - Jan7

Dude, so apparently it’s #wastemytime2k17 because I have been scammed, yet again. Honestly, it would have been dope if Joanne the Scammer herself had scammed me, but alas...t’was not. So, basically, Nate is over which is a rough situation for me to be in, having had liked him and spent a lot of time with him for several months. I still have his bracelet. He gave me literally $170 worth of Vans and I can’t return a pair because I wore it BUT I plan on returning the other pair because it just feels wrong.

He literally ripped my heart out. I drove to Megan’s after I made up a very smooth excuse that my mom needed me home. It was 2am. It made sense. I just didn’t wanna cry in front him...So, I just dipped. Like...it was just a boozy night. What the heckaroons, 2017 is MY year. People have to stop trying to ruin my year. But, you see, that only ruined my week. I’ll get over it. No one is worth my year. And, in the coming months, I will forget all about it and him. I just need a little bit of time!

Donald Glover’s Weirdo is one of the best one-hour stand-up’s I’ve ever seen. It is insanely funny and I love Donald Glover because he is an absolute gem. It totally repaired my night. And I found out that I’m the bomb. Like what an L for Nate. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I mean...he doesn’t like Kanye which is like fine whatever I guess I get it. But, then he said he doesn’t like Frank Ocean because he’s too mainstream. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THEN. Also, he’s not into Star Wars???  I was shook. 

I found out several things from my time with Nathan. If a boy says he doesn’t like the major things that I like....AKA FRANK FREAKING OCEAN (like who doesn’t like him), then that means that something is up. I also learned that I can be like really nice sometimes or...you know what I’m saying? Like I can be really really nice when people are really really nice to me. Reciprocation was a big takeaway word from this lesson. I honestly think that it ended because cuffing szn has officially concluded. Onto living life to the fullest. This is my year. And I can’t wait to makeout with cute college boys at parties again (haha kidding, but at the same time let me LIVE, mom).

IV. Quirky - Jan11

frick

frickity 

frack goes the click clack

goon

fiend

shoots patoots

any form of the word baboon

baboon

baboonery

to be continued….

V. Takeaway - Jan12

I figured from a few posts ago that I learned something or, you know, a lesson from each of the boys that I’ve spent time with, whether short or long or recurring like Megan Fox on New Girl...it’s all a struggle. But, let’s take it from the start!

Ben - Cool cat. All I can take away from this is that we were both fetuses and it was the longest relationship that I’ve ever been in (1 year I think??), yet it wasn’t even one lol. But, he’s the bomb and we’re still really good friends. I guess I can take away from this that exes CAN be besties.

Nick - My on-and-off boyfriend. We’re currently off, obviously, and hopefully forever. I learned from this kiddo that I love funny guys, they’re the best. I was really sad to see junior Nick turn into a douchebag compared to the Nick I knew just a few years before. I learned that I don’t deserved to be cheated on and that boys can be boozy. It was just ratchet. And I’m dope. Also, friends with benefits works only in the rarest of occasions and please don’t enter that sort of relationship with you EX. Bad idea, buddy.

Ethan - He spent more time with video games then paying attention to me. Obviously, the lesson here is that that is completely dumb and I’m dope. Except, it also showed that drummers are my kryptonite (reference one of my two biggest high school crushes: Matthew Butler). But, yeah, I love video games and I can totally play and actually enjoy that shit because...they’re dope. But, it was just boozy.

Ted - Okay, this is the first boy to take me out on dates and it was literally so adorable and I loved how much effort he put into things because he liked me. We went to the city and the zoo and you know all of this cute shit. But, it was supposed to be casual. He was perfect and amazing, but it was destined to end. I learned that you can’t make someone like you. The whole time, I thought that he would maybe realize that he would want to actually be with me. FALSE. But, it’s okay. Because I still enjoyed my time with him.

Yash - Yeah, it was fun. But, I hate boys that love drama. I know he kept saying that he hates drama, but I literally told one person about Yash and he flipped shit and it wasn’t cute. Also, after a while, he stopped being all cute and nice. Not cute. I learned that assholes are never fun, to not take people’s shit, and that I deserve like waaay better lol. 

Nate - He was absolutely too nice to me and he treated me fantastically. Totally sweet and caring and compassionate and kind. But, that can only amount to so much. That could only come to be so much, though, you know? From my last post about him, I could say that I learned liking a few of my major likes like Frank Ocean are kind of important. I want to talk to someone about everything, even like intellectual stuff. He was absolutely too good to me, but in the end I wasn’t enough. Which is okay because I’m enough for myself. I learned that nice guys definitely don’t finish last, that I’m a great girlfriend, and that I deserved someone who goes to the third floor (future me: I hope you remember what this means lol. I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO GOES TO THE THIRD FREAKING FLOOR, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

VI. Enough - Jan14

IM SORRY FOR ALL OF THE RELATIONSHIP POSTS... my love life is boozy and I promise to fill this szn-long post with more fulfilling and relevant life stories and shiz because this relationship drama is getting boring.

my relationships have all ended with one word in mind looming over me for weeks on end afterwards: enough.

i feel like i’m never enough. i get that boys like me, maybe even a lot do/could. but they never like me enough. i just want someone to care about me enough to not cheat and actively tell themselves that they would never cheat because…in all honesty, i think i’m a fairly good person. it’s not like im an awful girlfriend or even an awful person. you know…i get that people can “like” me, but they just don’t like me enough…enough to want to keep me in a real relationship, to try. because i try. i always try and lose myself to trying to make people happy, whether it’s with relationships or even just my friendships. i always exert all of my energy and find none of it reciprocated. and i guess im not really complaining, it just sucks you know?

all starts with nick. im not enough for him to stay loyal (these hoes aint loyal). for ted, i wasn’t enough for him to keep once northwestern started. for yash i wasnt enough for him to not eventually treat me like trash, straight up. for nate, i wasn’t enough to put his faith in, until college and maybe even further.

like i hate getting my hopes up, waiting for something that would never happen, and just trying so hard to care about people who couldn’t even…i dont know. its just…im tired. im so so tired and so discouraged and boys keep treating me like trash and ugh.

it might sound dumb or whatever, but i feel like i deserve more than this at least. because im enough for myself and that’s for sure. so if im not enough for other people, then that’s on them. seriously.

what just tears me apart is the whole nate thing right now. like yeah for sure im talking to danny right now and he’s an absolute dreamboat, but the whole nate situation still manages to upset me, you know? like he’s literally pretending that i don’t exist. it’s like we don’t know eachother. and he doesn’t wanna date me because college. well yeah, but that’s in 7-8 months. Also…I’m not the type of person to cheat or leave someone as soon as I see the first cute person at college. I feel like I would care more than that. rough. yet another case to validate the fact that nothing ever goes.

so here i am now, going back to my fall go-to of “casual” things with people. because i don’t want to cry over a guy again. freaking 2017 is my year. im over it. lmao. sorry i just needed to rant, please don’t read this :/

VI. Scammed - Jan20

There has been an update. 

I’ve been informed by Megan and Max, two excellent sources, that I was, in fact, scammed by Nathaniel. So, it turns out that he kind of used me to see if he could get over Corey. Throughout the two-three months, I was actually just part of a social, personal-discovery-esque experiment. A lab rat, of sorts. Which is absolutely bogus, in my humble opinion. 

So, right after he broke things off with me, he goes straight to Corey, pours his heart out to her, says he still loves her, and they kiss. Fast forward to him bringing her to the opening night of my show, the school musical which he damn well knew I was in. I didn’t know about the whole “Still In Love With Corey” thing at the time, so I freaked out to Megan and was super down about what I was hypothesizing was them being back together. 

So quick for him to jump the boat. Anyways, after that, I heard that Corey told him she doesn’t want to be in a relationship again. Sucks for Nate, truly. And I really have 0% desire to be petty about this and talk about how karma had it coming for him. Because I don’t believe that.

Out of all people, I would understand very well the situation he was in. To like someone, but still be in love with the last one. I think I was just super unlucky to be caught in the crossfire of something happening. It’s kind of like Ross’ girlfriends throughout the show. Everyone knew he would end up with Rachel because he always loved Rachel and those poor girls in between were just unlucky people caught in the crossfire. Yeah, he liked them. But, Rachel was always the one. I’m not Nate’s Rachel and that is absolutely fine with me. 

If I think about it, in the long run, it wouldn’t have worked either. He doesn’t know anything about politics and I love talking about politics. He hates Frank Ocean, Chance the Rapper, Kanye, and literally just everyone that I like but listens to heavy metal all the time because it has amazing drums YET he doesn’t like rock and alternative rock because???? He doesn’t go to the third floor. And he’s not planning to go to college and I am. I want someone who can care about me, make me laugh, and who I can talk to about anything. And it just wasn’t there with Nate. 

(also, megan and max said it wouldn’t have worked out anyways because he’s a virgo and i’m an aquarius. sounds like bullshit, but i read up on it and it all was so real so i guess that theory checks out)

What I’m really just upset about is that I had to be the pawn in this. I wish I was just left out, that I never had my feelings hurt. You know what? I actually take that back. I wish that he told me the truth when he broke it off. You know? “I really like you, but I think I’m still in love with Corey and I’d hate to hurt you while I’m still confused and going through this,” would have been a lovely approach at breaking it to me. I wish you told me this BEFORE I wasn’t New Years hanging out with you :/ Well, whatever. New year, new me (minus Nate!)

VII. Questioning - Jan22

I just don’t know where I stand in the world right now.

I’m sitting here, on my couch, crying more than I have in a long time because I am so afraid that my parents won’t love me no matter what.

I was born into a faith, a life which was chosen and destined for me. Roman Catholicism would be my religion and that was the final word. As I grew up, with the influence of my environment and the people that I’ve come across throughout my years, I’ve slowly but surely come closer to finding who I am. And, with that, comes doubt. For a really long time now I’ve had so much doubt in my religion and so many questions and...it strikes me. What is the purpose of it all? I understand the reach it has for certain people; I understand the bond and importance of this religion and its impact on so many lives. But, I just don’t know if I believe in it all. I mean, of course, I think I do. But, was I just conditioned to think that way? Is this all the culmination of my whole life being surrounded and pushed into this lifestyle? I’m so lost and have so many questions.

Less than twenty minutes ago, I asked my parents if I could skip church this week to study. I have so much homework because of the musical and I still have a shift pretty soon. Of course, my dad freaks out.

I understand that I have amazing parents who are completely not strict on me at all and I am so thankful for my freedom that’s been allotted to me. But, what struck me was when I almost made my dad cry when I said that I feel no spiritual connection in going to church anymore. “This isn’t how we raised you,” he said, voice painfully cracking. He walked away to get some water. I just didn’t know what to say. Because it was true. It was the full disclosure: I don’t understand why church is important for me to prove my faith. Why is there more importance placed on this one hour of the week then actively trying to spend time with me or get to know me.

I want my parents to know me: know what music I like and how much I love it, know my political views and why and just take time to understand instead of debate against it. I want to have dinner with my parents again because I just have not been home this entire year. I study so hard and I just...I’m missing part of myself to this.

What struck me during my tear-driven talk with my parents was when my dad said something about “non-negotiable” and I was hurt. “Religion is non-negotiable?” I’ve known for years now that I wasn’t planning on attending church in college, but I’ve never said it out loud.

I think that before you further your spiritual connection at things like church and mass, you have to establish your connections here on Earth. Show activism in your connections to people, show you care, and strengthen that before you try and “prove” it in a setting like church. I think that one hour does not define you and that you can be a fantastic person and Christian without it. I think I want to work on being a better person first. Of course, Catholicism helps in matters of after-life...faith of a world after this one. But, how can that work of there’s not importance placed on the life we have now?

There is nothing more that I value than what my parents think of me and I never want to disappoint them-- one could argue that that is my first priority. But, it comes at a price because I find myself sacrificing who I am to serve this false facade, giving them the perfect image of the daughter that they raised the “right way”...

I’m still lost and don’t really know where I stand on this. I don’t know. And I don’t think I have to have all the answers, at least not yet.