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brujahinaskirt · 4 years

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As long as I‘m playing this game again I gotta do a little real talk venting at how poorly Beth understands racism despite recklessly endeavoring to write about it in their games. Beth can’t seem to delineate the specifics of real-world racism from their own fantasy racism. One of the biggest problems therein is that there’s no “whiteness” in TES, and yet so many of their parallels re: Nordic racism rely upon audiences conceptualizing Nords as white in a way that is often in direct conflict with the fantasy politics they’ve established in their games.

Time and time again, Beth continues to guide players into feeling a certain way about prejudices we see in the world by sloppily mirroring heinous racist sentiments against POC... except they then nonsensically proceed to VALIDATE these prejudices over and over and over. I’m not even sure if there are nefarious writers buried in the team who do this shit on purpose or if they truly just lack writing consistency and the validation is mindless. Either way, oversimplification + prejudice validation makes for an emotionally messy, contradictory, and incoherent narrative.

Let’s look at these game releases as stand-alone texts, since they’re sold to us that way, rather than as an enormous nebulously connected body of canonical lore (since we can’t assume players will enter the “texts” with an encyclopedic knowledge of canon). Just a few examples of reckless prejudice validation here. If we’re supposed to feel angry about the world’s typecasting of Khajiit as thieving drug dealers (a racist typecast we should be angry about), then why does Beth almost never introduce a Khajiit who is not both a thief and a crack cocaine sugar dealer? If we’re supposed to understand the Nords’ discrimination against elves as an allegory for the outrageous real-world panic of ill-intentioned white racists who claim white “culture” is being threatened, then WHY put the same Nords in a life-threatening state of REAL and URGENT military occupation where their culture actually IS being systematically obliterated through extreme state violence... perpetuated by a fascist trans-national coalition of elven supremacist mer whose design transparently draws upon real-world fascist government? Why are we not offered more access to Ulfric and Tullius’s true designs versus the propaganda hurled against each in turn? Given the lengthy lifespans of mer in comparison to the other playable racism of TES, why are the last two games damn near completely silent on their own fictional reality that the Dunmer nation proudly engaged in a massive system of chattel slavery of Khajiit and Argonians, one we saw front-and-centered in Vvardenfell, and something Vvardenfell characters broadly defended as an integral part of their culture? If memory serves, I think we see a single Dunmer character in the Imperial City openly reject the way her homeland treats these peoples. Since we see Dunmer and Argonians living in close proximity in Windhelm and are presented with barely-there hints of racial tension between them, clearly drawing upon competition for the real-world model minority myth, where is the cultural and emotional blowback of the Argonian sacking of Blacklight--on both sides? Some of these former slavers are sure to still be alive! Am I meant to understand the Dunmer as an oppressed race now in social status lock-step with the Khajiit and Argonians (an absurd claim to be making, if I felt at all certain that was even an intentional claim)? Beth, give me some consistent emotional cues on your world history!

If we’re supposed to understand the Nords’ rejection of Khajiit and Argonians and Dunmer as misdirected aggression against their actual oppressors, very much a real-world phenomenon, then why is this topic only given a feather-light brush in the Gray Quarter? (Speaking of, why doesn’t Beth let us see and experience the everyday Gray Quarter squalor we hear about? Why did Beth choose to make most of the businesses in Windhelm owned by mer instead of showing us the everyday experience of non-Nordic poverty in a Nord-run city? Why don’t we get to see and experience more everyday Thalmor military oppression? Why don’t we get to see and experience the everyday consequences of living under this bloated and failing empire... which, by the way, once turned its nose up and allowed a colonially conquered Vvardenfell to keep its slavery? It’s ultimately a failure to write racism meaningfully into the world beyond a thin overarching plot and scant lines of throwaway dialogue.)

And this is without even touching upon the low-effort way TES’s indigenous peoples like the Skaal and Ashlanders are depicted in the games. The entire discussion of racism is shallow puppetry. It’s all tokenism! It's a veneer of complexity -- a complexity that could be written into the bedrock of the world, but isn’t.

True, there’s a much bigger body of lore that exists outside and beyond the video games, but the majority of players can’t be expected to hunt all of this lore down and the marketing embraces this limitation. The writing should, too. If they want to commentate on (or even just explore with the dynamics of) real-world politics in their games, especially real-world racism, it’s on each individual piece of media to show us enough of this surrounding lore so that we can understand the parallels they’re trying to draw... and, more importantly, how we’re supposed to feel about it given the story we see vs. our own personal worldviews.

Mind, no writing team should spoon-feed us Humanities 101 morality or serve us a dumbed-down story just to repeatedly hit us over the head with their own personal manifesto. That sort of storytelling is rarely effective in getting people to think. But more often than not, rather than offering us consistent information and narrative depth we can then decide what to do with on our own, Beth leaves us to navigate these emotional questions solely by drawing upon our own pre-existing feelings about real-world racism -- a real-world that simply doesn’t align with the fantasy world they’ve established. When that happens, our feelings don’t get challenged or meaningfully mirrored or refined -- which is the very point of making such overt political parallels in the first place.

#brujahbitches #writing

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macguires · 7 years

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ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blog and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly why

plus a) i’ve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and it’s gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i can’t talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and i’ll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff i’m about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasn’t thanks

this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out that’s been bothering me and that i’ve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isn’t really for other people to read like. i don’t mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that i’m putting down as i think them and i can’t deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i don’t know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me

but i’m really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think it’s the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol

anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever

honestly i’ve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point i’m just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what i’m thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that it’s bc i’m like. i’ve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff i’ll see Hope and that i don’t really want to die and instead want to be ‘saved’ and to get better and live happily etcetcetc

but like.... that’s not even it like i’m? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone i’ve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone who’s neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff

like it’s not that i hate the world or can’t see the value of life or anything? that’s not it at all

i’m honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and i’ve crossed over into ‘serene acceptance’

like it’s just a fact to me that i’m going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when i’d do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and i’ve always had it in my mind no matter what i’m doing or talking about, and it doesn’t make me sad to think about it now that it’s not so far away? i’m literally sitting here counting down until it’s time (i’m staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao i’ve still got A While) and it’s just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and i’m actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like i’m appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like i’m taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk i’m sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like i’m so calm about it

like a few years ago i would’ve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like i’ve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything i’ve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and i’d literally be like “thanks but nah. i think i’ll leave anyway”

? like i’ve seen the world. i’ve tried it out. it’s lovely. it’s beautiful and i love the people i’ve met and i hope i’ve made a positive impact on them while i’ve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just don’t love being a part of it. it’s just....... Not For Me. it’s never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. i’m so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but it’s been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now

and i don’t even want to imagine how much worse i’d feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didn’t have this because i’m literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myself “well i won’t have to deal with them for long anymore”, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via the ‘only a little longer’ mindset and if i had that taken away from me i’d be Destroyed yet again

but like legitimately i’ve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on and nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the “oh my god they don’t believe me they think i’m lying and making it all up for attention” and i hate it. and i don’t hate him now bc he’s different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sister’s wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and i’d really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it

and when i talk about me ‘dealing w/ anorexia’ i mean that’s literally. like if you don’t have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think it’s like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. it’s so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if you’re reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, it’s so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now i’ve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks it’ll be until i can next eat something and it’s made me bitter and stressed and i’ve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you don’t even always lose weight! that’s a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and you’ll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc u’ll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u haven’t eaten for a month u’ll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u aren’t bloated when they see u, bc they might think it’s fat! will that mean you’re able to stop starving urself bc you see that it’s not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day

and i’ve had to drop out of school and i’m never going to be able to work or live alone and i’m literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so i’m literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldn’t i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldn’t i get an option, why shouldn’t i be able to say “yeah this isn’t for me, i literally don’t remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and it’s just not worth it for me, i’d quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunity”

like i know that’s selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i can’t do shit because they think i’ll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me that’s started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i don’t want to, shouldn’t i be living for myself? shouldn’t that be the whole point? if i don’t want to do that and i’ve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other people’s sakes and i’ve found that that just isn’t working out and hasn’t changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why can’t i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you i’d like to make this decision for me now)

but vague bitterness aside, i’m past the “oh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, i’m going to end up killing myself and that’s awful and sad and i wish i wasn’t like this” stage that lasted literal years and i’m in the “yeah i’m definitely gonna be doing that, but that’s a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that there’s an Exit in sight and i don’t have to do this for much longer”

and the fact that i’m sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing i’ve ever said. like i wasn’t even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing i’ve been planning and that i’ve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that i’ll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping i’ll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it won’t be a problem anymore. and like there’s no going back after i’ve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, that’s already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age i’ll be when they’re done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as i’ve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao i’ll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the Delay

and i always thought i’d stick around for my irl best friend, that’s how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they weren’t kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like “if i’m dead i can’t help them, i can’t say ‘you can come to mine’ if they ever need to, i won’t be there to answer if they’re ever in another situation where they need to call someone” and i’ve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldn’t go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didn’t want to leave them

and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, i’m sort of glad i don’t feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now i’ve done that and they’ve met new friends and they’re just. doing so many wonderful things and we’ve drifted a little in the sense that i know they’ll be totally fine, i’ve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesn’t only make me feel sad anymore? like i’m actually so proud of them, i’ve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and they’re all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and it’s sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i don’t feel like i need to stay for them, it won’t really affect their lives if i wasn’t here anymore (and i don’t even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesn’t make me upset to say that anymore, it’s literally just another thing i’m v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and i’m so happy for them

and it’s just totally changed the way i’m seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, it’s great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i don’t see them irl that often anymore, and i’m going into this knowing i’m very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and it’s so strange idk. like it’s strange to think that i’m going into this and i’m going to be looking at them and wondering if i’ll see them again before it happens or if this’ll be the last time i do and. like it bothers me a little because they won’t know and us all meeting up that day won’t mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but i’m trying to let that feel freeing too

idk man everything’s just. i’m accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a. “yeah, that’s true, and that’s okay, i’m not mad/sad about that anymore” response from me now because everything is just so much more ‘whatever’ now that i can tell myself i don’t need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so there’s absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while i’m still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can

i used the word ‘freeing’ a minute ago and i guess that’s the term i’ve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when i’ll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and it’s just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? that’s not quite the right term but) and i’m so determined not to let this get taken from me

#this is incoherent and is very much written for venting purposes #it's LITERALLY me talking to myself for like 15 paragraphs #idk how i'd feel about other people seeing this and this is v much a precarious place to post it lmao #but i have nowhere else and it's been upsetting me & distracting me to be thinking about it constantly #and knowing i can't tell anyone about it and knowing people will react badly and that i can't. share it w anyone like #i've been dealing w it on my own for years & years & it's very!! overwhelming #and i just want somewhere to say it that's not in my own head lmao #like i feel better just knowing it's Somewhere external #i feel like i've sort of finally talked about it without actually talking TO someone about it #which is basically what i needed #mine #anyway if someone is actually fucking bored enough to open what i've essentially just described as a screaming diary #please pay attention to the first few parts because that's the only reason i put them there just in case someone saw them #and. u know. probably don't keep reading if it doesn't sound like something u can agree to

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bloodandrosesarenofun · 5 years

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Dear Diary.

🎶Medicine - Daughter🎶

I started this blog as a way to keep track of my thoughts. To vent you know? The one place I could be emotional and be myself outside of people. Hell. Truthfully I didn't think those people could let me be me either.

This past few months, have been hell and heaven all in one. My brother and I don't fight so much anymore, and we support each other again, that's all I've wanted for a long time for us. We talk and we watch videos and we find ways to be deep when we don't speak. I feel better about it. My mum, is just as difficult I think. She does things like go out of her way to support my friend in ways she won't even support me. Or cry in the kitchen telling us about her depression but dismissing and belittling my mental state. She's hard to deal with, and I know I shouldn't be, but when she said she has depression, I felt so angry at her. How does she get to say that? To feel emotions so publicly? When she tells me things like I'm crazy, like I'm attention seeking, like I'm just some stupid kid, and not her child. My best friend of five years, they left me. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, and maybe I left them. The relationship had gotten so toxic, and she had gotten so cruel. Saying things to me like I would never be enough to notice it was wrong, how he never loved me. How he can't. He invited me to say something to him, essentially to groval at his feet. It was a lot to say no. When he'd said how horrible of a person I am. A lot of people have said that this past year. Even my parents. Wirt, he's something special. I feel lighter when I'm with him. Ever since warped tour it's like we could talk endlessly for days without ever getting tired of each other or running out of things to say. We've been almost inseparable in that we text near everyday at least once, and we see each other often. I've gotten so much out of being around him, and I think this is the first time I've felt so heavily that I love the person I am around somebody. I love who I am with him. I am myself with him. But I glow, I'm happy, I don't get happy for long. The other night I went to see him, and we spent twelve straight hours just talking, uninterrupted, smiling and laughing even when I didn't think I could. He saw me have an anxiety attack out of nowhere and despite my visit being to make sure he was okay, he took care of me. I found something I've never had in him. Kaneki, my other friend, has actually oddly I think gotten clouser. He's been around since we were fifteen with nowhere to go, and he's here when we're eighteen with only an idea of where we want to go. He opened up to me about his depression and I always knew, we sort of talked around it, but it feels nice to know he can tell me. It may seem dreary, but it was a way to open the year with trust. I feel like he's a friend I need, I'm thankful to have him in my life. Both my dads..they're a subject all their own and it's a mess. I still don't go to mi abeula y abeulo's house. I still have trouble talking to my grandparents at home, but I stand up for myself more. I sing louder. I'm picking back up my instruments and language. I'm depressed right now.

I think my parents may get a divorce.

I haven't written in this blog like this in a while, and I don't know if it was the depression making me feel like it's a chore, or there being too much to write. But since the last time I did, it seems crazy to have turned this blog into a writerblr, but it makes sense. Because what better way to be who I am than through my art? I'm not going to stop journaling though, because in an odd way it's apart of my writing, it's a part of my art. Art is all I know what to do with the heartache and the water, when I'm not hurting myself. I've been clean for a long time.

I almost broke, the other night, but I didn't. Because of Wirt, or because of Kaneki, or because I made it so far, or because I remember being happy I'm not sure. Maybe because of them all. I thought of how to hide the scars, where to do it, how they'd heal before I saw Wirt so he wouldn't know, I planned it all. Then I didn't. I feel a strength in that. There's a strength in that.

Tonight is a hard night. I think my mum triggered a really hard hitting depression bought, she all but called me a little runaway when I came home from Wirt's. You know, when he had to drive my ass home because I was too incoherent to pick myself off his floor let alone take my bus route home alone in the dark for at least an hour. Or wait downtown at night for an hour if my bus ran early. But I didn't tell her that, and instead of asking she simply assumed. That I didn't call on purpose or I didn't leave his house to spite her. To be vindictive and better than everyone because I see people as pawns. She said how I lie, and how she knows how I am because I'm a runaway, and how I'm naive, and how I think the world is great. As I'm coming down from an anxiety attack. That I can't tell her about. That Wirt checked on me and took care of me and drove me home for, but my mother would blame on me, or say it's a trick, or say I overreact to things. Always trying to make up problems. In the eyes of so many that should have only loved me, I am arrogant and cruel. Wirt and Kaneki are some of the only people I never feel see me that way. That I feel safe around. And my teachers. I still remember Timothy scolding the other children for calling me a girl, because I couldn't talk for myself. That'll never leave me. None of those moments will. They get me through these days.

I feel scared, because I have a meeting with one of my teachers I'm not out to, and I think I may tell her. I want poetry to be honest. I don't want to have to stifle myself or dance around pronouns, but I feel so new, and talking is hard again. I guess it's just something I have to re-learn. I've done it before.

I'm also scared, because I like Wirt, I think I do. I don't know if that feeling is going away, or if he feels the same, and it scares me, because I don't want things to be different between us, but if he does I don't want him to think I don't? I've never had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or significant other. I don't know what to do here or how to tell. It takes me forever to develop a crush, and little things don't last long, but there's something about him. I want to keep him as close as we are, I don't want to ruin it. But can I just gush for a moment? He's beautiful. As a person and physically. His eyes are the kind of green I want to find the right paints to recreate, and he's soft but he's resilient and stands his ground, and his hair changes colours from the dyeing in the nicest ways, it's wavy and messy and it fits him. He's got the cutest way of doing small things. The way he says my name when I've done something ridiculous, or gives his surgergical bandages quizzical looks, or complains about things in the kindest ways he can find so he doesn't hurt anyone, or laughs, or awes at me and points out my endearing traits. It's almost like he's looking at a puppy, and I get- shy? But I don't tell him to stop it like I do with everyone else. I don't feel as defensive, and I want to be better around him, I never feel like the kicked puppy in the street side. It's nice. I love the way we understand each other and the way we look at each other and the way we laugh together and take care of each other and aren't afraid to say we love each other. I've never had something like him. The things I do. Like we were in his car, and everything had closed it was late, but we rolled the seats back and leaned back in his car, and we wound up getting kind of quiet, and watching each other, smiling because we were having such a good time and also because the stareing should've been awkward, and all I wanted to do was lean over and kiss him. I kept wondering if it was okay, and being grateful the car was so dark in case my face and neck went red (for any one who's read Life and Death I blush as easily and much the same way as Beau), and if he ever looked at my lips and thought of kissing me too. I wanted him holding me when I was having a rough time. I want to just drive somewhere with him, screaming because life is exasperating some days and laughing because we have each other though, this whole week because I'm exasperated. I told him, and I can't beileve I did, when we were having a r o u g h night and finally found each other after getting lost "I hate our fucking lives! We are the best thing we have in our lives. We are all we have going for us, just each other." and I said it because my heart was in my throat and we'd gotten lost in not the best place at not the best time and spent hours either waiting, searching, or screaming and had each other's backs through the whole escapade and I'd had a shitty month and he had too and work was eh and our plans had been smashed with a hammer but we were still there, so by that point that's how I felt. I know, a mad man's sentence. But at the time I barely had any time to think about it because he was screaming too and we were just trying to drive away. Every time I think about him in a less than platonic way I just- get scared I'll ruin it, but think about if it works? Gods. I'm like a gay cliche fic but with two demisexuals. Diary it's almost six a.m. and I should sleep. As to be expected the depression won't let me sleep much. Hopefully that'll change soon. I'm sure I'll be back writing regularly so. I have so much shit to blab about and expand on.

It's sad though, that I'm already crying again.

But it's that weird sort of crying? That I have depression and I don't feel it but my face is leaking gently crying. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

Me and Wirt are planning a trip to the next town over, and I'm just hoping to have some trip where we sleep over soon. Not for sex potential, gods no we're very ace leaning and he's been walking around with his shirt off for days yet I feel like nothing (try wooing a rock and you got me. That's my difficulty level), but because when you sleep around someone there's something that's said there. That you guys maybe never would have said other wise. He'd maybe probably know about my tossing and turning and my insomnia and how I cry and just want to be held or gold somebody so I use things like my Shamoo plushie or the big bear my mum's ex gave her that she gave me (can we honestly get some positivity for the fact this is potentially not as a weird a thing at my age like when you have s e v e r e depression?) and that I need specific pillows to sleep and maybe probably that I have a tendency to if things are super bad or I'm in an unfamiliar space scream, cry, yell, thrash, or say things that aren't the most cheery and least disturbing in my sleep. I'd maybe probably learn about equally as well kept secrets he has. We may tell each other things we never would've shared before. I find that there's something about when you know you won't leave each other till the daylight, about three a.m. conversations and waking up to each other in the morning. Something vulnerable. I don't know if I trust him with all that yet, if I can tell him, or let him see me when I don't let anyone else. Anxiety attack was wow, impressive that I trust him that much, that I knew he wouldn't hurt me or make it worse when it's so ingrained in me that that's all people do. But I'd be so scared to sleep, scared to wake him with my screams, or wake up too close to him because I move in my sleep, or wake him up with something disturbing. The last unfamiliar place I slept in I literally slept on the floor to keep people from being disturbed and because I am that uncomfortable sleeping in the bed with people (but I think weirdly if I was okay with this I'd be shyly okayyyy with sharing a bed if needed? Like I wouldn't be dramatic about it in a "I'll just sleep on the floor" but maybe in a "are you sure-?" About ten times) and I woke up like- breathing heavily and saying "Stop! Stop! Stop!" and I'd bruised my arm hitting it on something and I think I was crying and I had to sit by someone else for a while and calm down before I could go back to sleep like holy shit it was bad I was literally shaking. THAT is probably alarming if anyone had woken up like whoever shares a bed with me needs a whole ass like debriefing beforehand because I seem like I'm on some shit but my mental state can just genuinely get t h a t bad. Screaming and crying and actually injuring myself in my sleep bad. I really wonder if anybody else has these problems like ask me how often I slept over at anyone's house? These issues have been with me for years.

Maybe I dread and look forward to it.

No. I think just- as fucked up as I am and as much as he's told me about how he gets at night I think it'd be a mess? But equally. Like both of us doing weird and concerning shit but also both of us supporting each other and loving each other and so it's okay in a way. So I feel like it'd be insane to be at that level with him where we'd be completely comfortable with showing each other that side of ourselves and comfort each other without judgement. I know me and Kaneki have had the weirdest conversations at those late times.

I'm a late times person.

💤

Until next time,

LHayes

Sign off.

#depression #lhayes #sad #stress reliver #writing #journal #things i write #anxiety #lgbtq #tagging mainly for myself #self harm #self love #friendship #love

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matazz · 3 years

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letters roy endoza never sent

so i wrote these because i wanted to write out roy’s feelings to the party members. it was mostly a way to vent, but during the time, i really did want to send them - but my DM never let me (if you’re reading this LOL).

there’s something a bit sadder about it being letter’s he never sent.

in my head, he left along the journal that he wrote as well with the letters he left behind. i guess canonically i can say that the party never ended up finding them.

group letter (written after roy left the party & before the gala)

for the group, i had fun while we were charading around finding ancient artifacts and solving puzzles. i’m going to miss our adventure, but i have to leave. i’ve involved myself against the fate of the universe, a crime against all odds. i’ve loved knowing you all and you’ve all helped me so much but i dont want to involve you anymore in it. more importantly i feel as if that my actions may draw a rift in your beliefs and i dont want to seperate that bond. please do not look for me. i’m afraid i serve no purpose in this mission with the champions anymore. i dont think the gods (and even myself) consider myself to be a champion anymore. to be quite honest with you, i don’t know what the consequences are or what might be from my actions but i will deal with it myself. i’m going to be honest. i appreciate all of you, and you’ve helped me in learning so much. about the world, magic, and other people. but i don’t want to involve any of you in my life and i don’t want to see any of you ever again. please do not try to contact me or find me. this is my departure letter. i am safe, and i am well, and i dont want to be involved with the champions anymore. i hope everybody does well. i’m sorry i left without saying anything but it had to be this way. it’s better for me this way, for everyone. i’ll stay safer this way. if the gods tell you to locate me, please ignore them their calls. i can not say why, but if you trust me at all, please believe me when i say i’m safer not meeting you. sincerely, roy endoza.

To the group (i think this was written the day of the gala, but before the Thing happened)

To the Champions, I’m not sure when this letter will deliver, so you might receive it a bit late. I’ve left for a while to pursue my own goals and research some things. I'm not sure when I'll be back, or if I'll even be back at all. There's been so much nagging at me that distances myself from all of you and I don't really feel like I belong so much anymore anyway. I don’t know whether or not my research is going to succeed, but if on the event that something happens, please don’t look for me. To be quite frank, I don’t really want to involve any of you in my research and I’m afraid that meeting you is only going to be a liability to me. On the unlikely event that my research turns out to be negative, I'll come back; however if that’s not the case then please don’t try to contact me and do not look for me. I can not stress this enough, but what I’m about to go through with is going to upset the gods and more importantly, all of you. It hurts to leave like this, but I have to say farewell. I loved travelling with most of you and I’ve learnt more about the world than I ever could have just staying at my house in Origin. Thank you so much for the adventure. Perhaps for the last time, Roy Endoza.

To Ayce (written the day of the gala i think)

Ayce, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you before I left. To be honest, I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I haven’t had the time or the nerve to say anything. I regret all of that, but you deserve at least something before I leave. I can’t continue our relationship.. I’ve felt distant for a while now, and it’s been nagging at me but I don’t think we’re good for eachother at all. I’ve been a dishonest man to you despite the fact that you’ve been honest with me the entire time. I know it makes me an asshole. You deserve so much better than I could ever be to you. I wish there was more I could say. You've probably figured it out already, and if you have then I already know it was pretty selfish or stupid of me to start this relationship despite the fact that I've known all along how it was going to turn out. You don't have to forgive me. I wouldn't either. And if you haven't figured it out, then I hope it wasn't so terrible for you. I've enjoyed my time with you. I hope you find someone better. Roy.

A letter to Ayce (written like the day roy left)

ayce i have a lot i’ve been meaning to say to you but havent had the time or the nerve to say anything. but i need to say it now because you deserve these words. i can no longer continue our relationship. i’ve redeemed myself but in doing so, i’ve gone against the world; but more importantly, to you. i love you very much, and i wish i could have come to the ball with you and danced. i would have loved to; but i have a lot going on and i dont want to involve you, or anybody else in our charade, involved in my problems. i’m sorry i could not say it to your face. i hope life treats you well. you deserve so much better than i could ever have been. with love roy

Letter to Ayce (dated from the week before roy left)

ayce i’m writing this because i didnt have the nerves to say this in person, and i apologize for that. to be honest, the more time passes the more o begin to think our relationship was a mistake, so i’m officially parting ways. i never lied when i said i love you. i still do, but i just dont think it has worked out or even will. i think our morals are too different; and i cant find myself being with somebody who finds it so easy to murder a person. no matter how terrible she was, i thought that you of all people may have disapproved after experiencing death already. i also found myself attached to Fox, so his leaving leaves a hole in my heart. ialso despise Atlas; but i digress, none of these are even the main reason i’m leaving. to be quite frank, i’ve never seen this mission with the gods as important. my dreams, my goals, my redemption; they will always be first. this mission with the gods has just been seen as a side quest for me. partially because i don’t trust the gods myself. if we take everything we’ve heard at face value, then why should i trust God’s that have left the world to ruins before? they don’t even trust us enough to tell us what has happened in the past. in my opinion, they’re either incompetent and lazy or not telling us the actual truth of what we’re doing; or even what they’re doing. they aren’t powerful. if they were, they could retrieve the keys themselves or defeat beshaba’s group themselves. i just can’t bring myself to want to do a mission anymore where i have to obey people who can not trust us enough to let us know basic information. meeting you was a bonus, but i think it’s time for me to move on. this wasn’t a decision i’ve made because Fox left; i’ve been thinking about this for a while. neither my goals or morals align with anyone elses. i want to be good, but i’m only a wench in a perfectly working clock. as of recent events, i also don’t want to explain myself to Atlas of all people, but i can’t bring myself to tell you about myself either. i may return, if only for more information or perhaps even the gala; as much as i do not care for the gods, i’m still interested in the keys and the power within them. if i meet you there, i know it may sound selfish to ask, but i hope you may give me one last dance. roy

a notebook. it’s a bit worn out and has some torn pages.. it was left behind with roy’s stuff and all the letters

‪entry 47‬ ‪[torn out page] ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪[torn out.] ‬‪entry 69‬ [‪torn out] ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back. i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ‪[scribbled out over so that you cant read it] ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just

sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out but still there: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪[torn out] entry 101.2 [torn out] entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. [the rest of it is torn out] (torn note inbetween the pages hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over. (there are about 2-3 pages with entry 102 that are torn out) entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try

avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 [torn out] entry 124 [torn out]

#roy endoza writing #roy endoza #oc #writing

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