#this is hella valid and we take no arguments about that in this house

[rendezvouz-fling]

Synastry/Composite placements as I’ve experienced it.🥂

Aqua Moon conjunct Aqua Sun - I was the moon person and they were the sun person. I felt very comfortable with them and felt like they projected my inner thoughts/behavior. They felt very zen & accepting to me. They were also very understanding and fun to be around. Overall very familiar energy.

Pisces Sun conjunct Pisces moon - I was the sun person and they were the moon person. This really goes both ways with me. I either find them extremely childish and overly sensitive or quiet reserved, kind and humble. Anywho, they somewhat feel like an extension of me but a more sensitive one. (I literally feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them most times💀)

Pisces Sun opposite Virgo moon - I was the sun person, they were the moon person. Ugh I can’t express how many times I tend to clash with these people. All I’m for they’re against, all I’m against they’re for. I like that they’re punctual and practical people which is great, yet some of them nag too much and tend to be straight pessimists…

Leo Rising - I have this with my best friend whom I've known for almost 7 years now and it's honestly the best composite rising I've experienced so far! We're always cheering each other up and on to do great things and have fun. We always have each other's backs. We like to troll people sometimes and act like comedians. 😂 We exaggerate things and agree to each other's delusions. Act like we're on top of the world and we can take on anything/anyone together. And there's this strong sense of loyalty between us. Literally ride or die placement!

4H mars/8H mars - My mars falls in my best friend's 4H and I'm very affectionate and nurturing towards her. I listen to her and make her feel validated. I also feel like I've gotta protect her in a way. It comes as no surprise that she sees me as a sister, given the 4H is related to family. On the flip side, her mars falls in my 8H and she acts protective over me. Like if someone said something that hurt my feelings or if they just started the minimalistic of arguments, she's quick to jump in at my defense. Ironically, her Natal mars is in her 4H and mine is in my 8H so maybe that's why it also feels pretty natural to us.

8H asc/6H asc - So, I have this step cousin who's rising falls in my 6H and he acts hella reserved. Not specifically cold, just doesn't talk to me much. My rising falls in his 8H and I always feel so shy around him for no reason. I'll wanna say something but just keep it in my thoughts. Very indirect talking and shyness. We have Virgo rising in composite.

Aqua Venus - If it's in water houses (4/8/12) there's a more affectionate nature, bonus if it's at a water degree. That goes for all composite Venus anyways. Aqua Venus tends to feel like there's emotional detachment. Like when you get too close they pull away or vice versa.

11H asc - I can't begin to stress how awkward and uncomfortable this overlay isss. It depends though, me being a Gemini rising, I find it more uncomfortable with Leo risings sometimes, than I do if my rising falls in a Cancer rising's 11H. I love Leo risings though.

Gemini Rising-Gemini Venus - My ex's Venus falls in my 12H and doesn't even touch my rising, yet it was love at first sight. He loves telling me about his day, playfully teasing me. He's also hilarious and has a very similar sense of humor as mine. We have Aries sun/mercury/venus in composite.

10H Pisces Venus-Pisces mars - My ex's mars conjuncts my Venus and he used to be very protective of me. Very much the "my girl this, my girl that" type. 😂 Because Pisces falls in my 10H, I've always seen him as very chill, responsible and easy going.

Cancer rising - There's always a nurturing vibe there, no matter the other placements. I had this with an ex and we talked a lot about having kids, there was also a sense of family there. It tends to be a very sweet placement, where one of you (or both) are sweet talkers.

10H mercury - I had this with an ex and they thought I was very smart and would often ask me meaning of certain things. 🥲 I also find others who have their mercuries in my 10H are very well spoken and give off sophisticated vibes.

3H - I am a suckerrr for people who have placements in my 3H *cough* Leo placements *cough* I just find them so intriguing and that we tend to have a lot in common!! I usually bond with people over music, so I find that Leo venuses/mercuries have the best taste and put me onto a lot of music! Leo moons that fall in my 3rd house, opposite my 9H Aqua moon and I tend to get along with them better than those that fall in my 2H. Leo suns that fall in my 3H feel like those curious siblings that wanna share and know everything! Definitely a personal fav!!

#astro community #astroblr #astro posts #astro blog #astrology #pisces sun #pisces moon #pisces mars #pisces venus #aquarius sun #aquarius moon #virgo moon #leo rising #aquarius venus #gemini venus #gemini rising #cancer rising #synastry #composite #4th house #8th house #6th house #11th house #10th house #3rd house #rendezvous-fling #deeswrld

[yakultstanreblog]

I kid you not I was just sitting in the uni library and before getting up to give up for the day and leave I wrote in my notes app kinda jokingly but kinda not:

“maybe western beliefs are just so wrong maybe no amount of doctor can fix me maybe I am simply cursed lol for I have sinned many times and seek no forgiveness - a new level of insanity or clarity” (Ik my notes are full of weird shit.. I was also studying medical dominance and how westerners have made it seemingly superior to other forms of health practices/understandings such as religious sin etc for context)

AND I WALK OUT OF THE LIBRARY, START WALKING HOME WITH MY SAD MUSIC ON REPEAT, ON THE VERGE OF TEARS FOR NO REASON(bc life rough but im fine), ON THE EDGE OF CAMPUS AND AM FULLY FINDING MYSELF WILLINGLY BEING PREACHED TO BY A CULT about the heavenly mother oh my god they’re getting smarter LIKE SM SMARTER cause I almost believed this was just a hella feminist Christian for a solid 10 minutes help im out of practice I haven’t been approached by a cult member in like 6 months cos I rarely leave the house ANYWAYS luckily for me I have an unhealthy special interest? in the researching of cults and every single step of their indoctrination particularly the correlation of various korean cults indoctrinating australian white women (when I say cults I don’t just mean religious organisation, cos while there is valid argument that all religion could TECHNICALLY be cult-like, I need u to know I respect religion for others and what it is and am aware there are some prominent factors which differentiate normal religious organisation from genuine proper cult) luckily this particular cult wasn’t going to take me to meet its rapist leader in korea like most the other in melb but it does isolate u from ppl u know and force u to “donate” all ur money lmao fail bc im already socially isolated and I have no money LOLOOL anyways usually they ask for ur number but they also have half given up when u tell them u used to be religious and ur not anymore bc ur critical but this time they just gave me their number cos I think they thought I was like fully convinced cos I was stupidly engaging in the discourse with half interest (but only bc I was trying to make sense if what they were telling me was accurate or not from a religious standpoint bc I was raised Catholic) but sneakily she was telling me all about the Hebrew bible and shit with examples of Hebrew text I couldn’t read LOLOL and what I rlly should have said is god is not my mother or father bitch my (ex) god ain’t male or female, my god if existent be a genderless non human spirit referred to as “he” bc we live in a patriarchal society where male pronouns are pretty standard in referring to just about anything in English language ANYWAYS I lowkey love engaging w cult members while some ppl say dangerous I usually detach my interest while talking as further research into their communicative ways but today I was caught so off guard bc at my particular uni there are usually just religious preachers sometimes who have no ill intent and see my gay stickers on my laptop and give up before they even start knowing they are gonna fail but these ppl defs didn’t go to my uni they were just waiting on the outskirts for sad uni students to approach LMAO mission accomplished also they told me im a good listener when I was like zoning out bc I said yes yes yes when they asked me if I was aware of particular religions events and terms lol that was not very convincing bc I was not demonstrating good listening at all ANYWAYS this was a pointless and probably an incomprehensible story that I cbf reading over hope u enjoyed stay safe don’t go getting indoctrinated into a cult

[kaitosimp]

Ok hear me out.

Kaito is Aromatic/ace sexual

Basically a Kaito who has never felt romantically attracted to anyone before nor has ever had any real interest in doing anything with anyone.

At first this might seem a little... self indulgent I suppose but hear me out dude..

The most blunt and thing everyone always points to with other stuff with how ambiguous it is that he loved Maki back after she confesses to him.

He’s odd with his wording and personally even if Kaimaki is one of my favorite ships EVER I’m not sure he loved her back.

More set in stone prof of this is how people go on and on about Kaito being oblivious to his friends obvious feelings for him.. that he’s being blind and stupid but I really don’t think that’s the case.

I personally think Kaito has such a lack of understanding for romantic feelings in general.

Of course he wouldn’t jump to the conclusion of them liking him if he himself as never felt those emotions before.

It wouldn’t register in his brain that anyone has any kid of crush on him and so.. it flys past his head without registering to him properly.

So it’s less him being obvious and more such emotions being directed at him not crossing his mind..

I think this lack of understanding can also explain why he’s so affectionate both physically and with words to his friends.

I don’t think Kaito is trying to be romantic or hint at any crush when he acts like that.

It just seems like he’s being Kaito.

Showing he cares about his friends,

He doesn’t see himself being romantic he’s not trying to.. and doesn’t understand why anyone would would see him being that because once again he hasn’t really felt attracted to anyone.

Also in the game there are several moments where he is obviously misunderstanding about others being attracted to each other or just how that works in general.

Like thinking Maki and Shuichi like each other, not getting Tenko’s attraction to Himiko, ETC.

It just seems like he’s really just NOT understanding.

And like he’s acting like he does to cover this fact up.

Expanding on this I think it could very well explain his issues on so called manliness and what he thinks a man should be.

Because of Kaito’s upbringing was by his grandparents.

People with an older mind set, they definitely influenced this older thinking matters on him.

Including how a man should very well have girlfriends date.. have romantic interests in females..

But.. Kaito doesn’t feel that very important thing and so doubles down on everything else they have told him and desperately pretend he does understand how that kind of things feels like.

That of course he’s been attracted to people!!

(He has not)

The poor guy probably thinks somethings wrong with him, that he’s broken, having no idea what he’s going through is actually a very normal thing.

And even if he was told: ‘hey your probably aromantic buddy’

I 100% believe he would be incredibly miserable.

Because Kaito doesn’t want that!

He wants to feel attraction!

He wants to love other people and make them happy!

But he just can’t... no made how hard he tries.

He would not be happy with the new label at all, but be very bitter about it.

Kaito was waiting for ‘the one’ that everyone always talks about so he could finally feel that spark.. but turns out ‘the one’ will probably never come.

It would make him more sad, upset and miserable than I can fully express.

(I also think he would deny this and try getting into a relationship anyway to force himself to feel something but continue to feel nothing and accidentally trap himself in a relationship he doesn’t feel the same way in when the other person is hopelessly in love with him and he doesn’t want to break it off to avoid hurting them. (This can work with any of the characters really but esepally Maki and Shuichi))

He wouldn’t be prideful of it at all and I personally can’t blame him.

It’s a lot different from being gay or bi..

Kaito almost wishes he was, at least then he could feel something.

Anyway ya!

I have more reasons why I think Kaito is those sexuality’s (mostly ace because I didn’t mention that much) but I don’t want to make this longer than I already have.

It’s a shame no one else seems to see it because I think it’s a real possibility despite being very self indulgent regarding my out very frustrating sexuality.

Aro/ace Kaito supremacy!!!

Oh woah before I talk about the actual ask, can I just say that that drawing is so dang cute and amazing, I LOVE IT!!! 😭😭💜 Even if Shuichi and Maki are crying in the back asdfghjkl poor sidekicks but hEY, Y'ALL BETTER ACCEPT AND SUPPORT THE SPACEMAN RN

I think your reasons and thinking for Kaito being aro/ace are hella valid and make a lot of sense!! Even if it's not something I hc it truly makes sense and it would explain certain aspects of his behavior when it comes to romantic-ish things and him being utterly clueless about this kind of stuff 😩

And also, that stuff about him being sad and frustrated and miserable at finding out he's aro/ace made me sad 😭😭😭 I very much agree, if Kaito were to be told that he'd probably be so miserable and he'd probs think it had to be wrong, he'd be in denial, he'd refuse to accept it, he'd think he was weird and like you said, maybe he would try forcing himself into a relationship just to try and prove himself wrong/prove he was "normal" but it'd just make it all so much worse 😔 It was probs drilled into his head, like it is to a lot of ppl, that he had to settle down at some point with a partner (a girl in his case) and marry her and have kids and all that shit, so the fact he doesn't feel attraction or romantic feelings for anyone while having those ideas in his head would make him think he had a problem and was disappointing his grandparents/the ppl around him who had high expectations for him and that everyone would think he was weird for being like that and it'd just- it'd take such a toll on him and he'd need lotsa time to be able to accept himself and understand there's absolutely nothing wrong with him and that his friends wouldn't think any less of him 😔💜

And what you said is true that I don't rlly see much of this (I've literally only come across oNE fic of Kaito being ace) and it's the first time I see anything about him being aromantic, I think it could be a possibility indeed!! Again, even if I don't personally hc it, it makes a lot of sense and it could explain a lot of his behavior regarding this type of stuff 👀 And even if you consider it's self indulgent there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!!! This is very valid and nobody can say anything about it 🌚🤚🏽💞

#kaito momota #I LOVE THE DRAWING SO MUCH IT'S SO CUTE #this is hella valid and we take no arguments about that in this house #shuichi and maki better dry them tears and go love and support him rn #i loved reading your reasons for this sm it truly is a possibility!!

[tyk-tyk-tyk]

(its iwontknock, i wish tumblr would let us send asks from second blogs) on my post you said your first d&d character was the lodger and i am SO curious about that!! can i ask more about that, like what his class was? id love to hear about your portrayal!

Well, I hope my fellow players don’t pay attention to this blog lol. If you are GO AWAY YOU NERDS Tw for child death and unethical experimentation juuuust in case, I know Knock-Knock has a lot of that regardless but if D&D folks see this too I want there to be a heads up

Looong post under the cut, adding tags in a sec

I’m actually kinda thrilled that you asked, we haven’t started the reboot yet, but hopefully we will soon! When I first started playing him, I was hella inexperienced and a little shy, so I didn’t quite get to fully do what I wanted with him & had a HORRIBLE backstory, but I’ll give a few details anyways. Then I’ll explain what I’m gonna do with his reboot haha

To also save some confusion, I named The Lodger “Bormot” as that’s what some of his voice files are called, it’s just a Russian name that means “Mumble” :)

I made him a half elf druid! It was a lot to tackle at first, but I really felt like it fit his character. Whereas druids are usually blessed by the Earth and such yadda yadda, I made it so that the Earth borderline cursed him by being in the wrong spot at the wrong time. He comes from this long line of elf intellectuals, and still does his worldology stuff out in the middle of nowhere. After he gets cursed though, his home starts dying and he pulls a “Well, this isn’t good!” and runs away and ends up meeting the party. Did I mention that he’s a half elf that doesn’t believe in magic bc of his sheltered life? More on that later. Some fun stuff that ended up happening is he literally met half plant people (my DM had no idea LOL) and Bormot proceeded to have a panic attack and casted Call Lightning by accident. We were like level 15 btw I came in LATE He also managed to talk down a dragon despite his low charisma score (I think I actually rolled well and my DM took pity on me, a new player)

The ‘rebooted’ version of him is still largely the same, a half elf druid, just with more of a fleshed out story. His Grandfather is kind of this disgraced elf who hates magic since he thinks his peers rely on it too much, they don’t use their braiiiiins. So he then raises Bormot’s (half elf) dad to reject magic, and continue their worldology science that’s Definitely A Real Science I Swear. Bormot’s dad gets married ofc and decides to live in the middle of nowhere where he can conduct his science in peace with his family. The wife gives birth to a beautiful baby girl shortly after! While on a hunting trip, Bormot’s dad shoots at something he thinks is a deer, but ends up being an old & weak God. Oops. So he does what any responsible scientist does and vivisects the thing before it dies, taking lots of samples of its blood. This kinda makes him lose his mind as now there’s real, physical evidence in front of him that higher powers and magic might be a pretty valid thing. So of course he does what any highly responsible father does and puts some zesty ichor (God Blood) into his child just to see what happens! She dies, unfortunately, as the powers that be of a god isn’t something a really tiny elf girl’s body can handle. The mother enters grief and becomes more overprotective. having no idea that her husband accidentally killed their child. She gives birth to Bormot a long while later. Daddy-o doesn’t want the wife to know about his experimentation since she’ll whine about MoRaLs and refuse to let him inject more blood into their son, so he keeps it a secret for as long as he can. When Bormot is older, he tries again, and it works! ... Sort of. Now the poor kid is having constant nightmares and hallucinations, and is having trouble both sleeping and meditating. He’s freaked out about the potential magic that he has, since his dad said that magic isn’t real, and his dad is definitely always right and doesn’t lie! He grows up like this his whole life. Bormot’s mom does actually end up finding out about it and gets into an argument with the dad, so the dad does what any responsible husband would do and kills her after it escalates. At least he feels guilty for this one. Her body is buried next to the sister’s near some pine trees so the roots will hopefully grow over them and conceal the bodies more. Bormot has no idea he even had a sister, and his dad lies and says that his mom left. When Bormot’s old enough to live on his own, his dad peaces out to conduct more research and tries to prolong his own death, even if he has a lot of years left. Bormot starts the game around when he leaves his house, wondering where his dad ran off to & wants to learn what the hell is up with his hallucinations and Not Real Magic.

I left out details since this was already getting so LONG, sorry mobile users Anyway the TLDR is Bormot’s dad makes a lot of bad decisions that leads to Bormot being a druid hermit that doesn’t believe in magic, and his journey with his friends is all about realizing that he’s more than his worldology ‘legacy’ and that magic is indeed real and it isn’t bad to embrace it. But we’ll see if he makes it to the end or dies to a goblin or something

Thanks for reading my self indulgent D&D rambles, I can give updates if anyone is ever curious about it later

#mini speaks #D&D #dnd #I'm not tagging this as knock-knock because this is SOOOOOOO not canon #also yes his family has names but I wasn't going to word vomit a ton of new names at you guys and expect you to understand it #if you think this is cringey just turn your head away and pretend that you do not see it #our dnd group is VERY non traditional so we break a lot of rules and make a lot of stupid characters #I also played Wilson 1 or 2 times but we don't talk about him

[bonniemansfieldd]

My Pet Goblin Grief

I wouldn’t say I’m overly experienced in many things; baking - perhaps; exams maybe; tactical chundering - I’m pretty good; but grief? Me and her go way back. 

Of course, everything is relative and I’m grateful to say that I’ve never lost someone as close as a parent or sibling but I definitely have had a bigger taste of the Grieving Life™ than most which is an odd feeling. A running joke we have is that I have one of those stamp loyalty cards to the local cemetery and now I’m only 1 off of my own free burial- wahoo!

Death-focussed conversations are a centerpiece in our house and the question “What do you want as your funeral song?” is as easily asked as “What is it you want for Christmas?” (For the record, mine’s Only One Who Knows by the Arctic Monkeys, Day N Nite the Crookers Remix by Kid Cudi and probably the Moulin Rouge version of Your Song - but the last one is still up for debate). I never realise these sorts of things are a bit odd or macabre until I ask the same questions to Ungrieved friends who always respond with the same notion of “why are you asking such morbid things” or “are you planning on killing me?” or “This isn't a fun birthday drinks convo.” 

For context, my first experience with death was when my grandad died when I was 3, I have little memory of this other than my mum breaking the news to me when she was stark-naked, post-shower and drying her hair; a weird image in hindsight. My second and third were very close together and now feel fused in my brain; my mum was the eldest of three and within the space of 50 days her sister died due to alcoholism and her brother committed suicide due to depression and a psycho ex wife. Also my dog died a month or 2 later, rule of 3 and all that. At the age of 12 I was properly introduced to the beasts that are grief, depression and the aftermath of a suicide, none of them I would give good Yelp reviews tbh. 

Nobody teaches you how to grieve. There is no handbook on ‘How to Navigate the Loss of a Loved One’, never mind one on ‘How to Deal With Traumatic Deaths Whilst Dealing with a Now Suicidal Mum Alongside All the Other Shit of Your Teenage Years’ (although there should be given its catchy title ) Now here’s where I made my first mistake when learning to live with these things - I just Kept Calm and Carried On like a fucking Dweeb. No major lash outs; no therapy, no rebellious phase (yet), no prolonged mourning period, no deep conversations with my parents on how i was feeling. I’d wake up, go to school and be a good little boffin, come home, ignore the fact mum had not gotten out of bed in 3 days or spoken in 30; do my homework, have my tea, go to bed, be awoken by the sounds of my mum blasting their funeral songs and scream bawling downstairs; put in my earphones and watch Flushed Away; cry a bit; eventually fall asleep; repeat. 

Looking back now my chosen ignorance was ridiculous and really came back with a vengeance when I was 15 and my mum was back to relative normality. I started to face what I’d pushed down and I released all the pent up icky-gross-wtf-feeling via trying to fuck anyone I could, developing an eating disorder, fancying only the most wastemen of boys, binge drinking and thinking Morrissey was the pinnacle of God’s creation. I mean, it did the job in the end but FUCK ME it was the dumbest way to do it and ultimately caused a whole load of other problems in my wee noggin that I really didn’t need. 

Thankfully (she says with sarcasm and one solo gunfinger), I got to perfect my craft at Grieving in 2020, aged 18, when another Auntie died unexpectedly of bowel cancer and then my childhood friend killed herself, aged 21, due to cripping BPD. I really mean it when I say I’m sick of people dying.  This time round I’m really trying to do it the proper way and not suppress it for 3 years and get myself in a knot like last time, although what is the proper way to grieve?  Since this is not my first rodeo I know what NOT to do but that’s all I got so far. 

Now, I have a few key points I’m really trying to abide by,  the first one being for the love of GOd put your own grief first. I now have deep rooted mummy issues which partly stem from trying to pick up the pieces of her grief whilst burying my own with Aardman Animations and wanky Morrissey lyrics. She didn’t support me, in all honesty not many in my family did (which is understandable!) cause everyone was trying to keep their own heads above water which ultimately I should’ve done too, but didn’t. Learning to say “I am in pain, I am grieving, I need to put myself first right now or else my future therapy sessions are going to be hella expensive” is really fucking hard, ESPECIALLY when everyone else is crumbing too. But it’s the whole air mask on a plane scenario where you cannot help anyone else until you’re breathing clear too.  

My next point; some days you actually feel okay and you’re not the worst person ever for feeling like that. It’s the whole ball in a box grief analogy that I cba to explain but highly reccommend looking up. Grief doesn’t leave you, you just learn to live with it and it’s kinda as simple as that. Therefore, there will be days where you do manage it, maybe even forget it for a while. It becomes a feeling so ingrained into you, you don’t even notice it’s there and just get on with things. You’re not a terrible person for having a nice time with your mates if your Gran’s just died. You’re not the spawn of satan if you go out on the pull a few weeks after your mate’s topped themselves. Yeah, their lives have stopped but why the fuck should yours? 

It’s a difficult moment, immediately after you lose somebody and venture out into the world to see that it hasn’t stopped turning. One example I have of this is when I met my cousin for a coffee the morning after my friend had taken her own life. I woke up feeling fairly normal, got ready and hopped on the bus to town and looked out the window to see the city moving as usual. I got off the bus two stops later when I realised my sudden snotty crying was getting a bit loud. I don’t remember starting to cry but I do remember walking up the High street amidst the Christmas shoppers blatantly sobbing and intermittently vaping (please laugh at this image cause I do- I also had a glazed donut in hand if that helps.) These experiences are also not limited to the immediate aftermath of a death, I’ve had similar experiences years after they’ve passed at gigs, on nights out, at the cinema, at bus stops and even watching The Simpsons (screw Matt Greoning for having Close To You as Marge and Homer’s fucking wedding song). My point is, big jabs of grief happen as randomly as moments of peace, acceptance and even contentment - it’s all just a big clusterfuck cocktail that adds a bit of spice to your life. 

One thing I am trying to practise more when taming my grief goblin is actually talking about it which I failed to do before. As previously mentioned, people around you can get a bit awkward or uncomfortable when talking about all things death, ESPECIALLY when they haven’t experienced it themselves and you’re actually reaching out to them for support. I’ve had some advice that was great and some that was fucking awful, I even have grief pet peeves now which is not something you see much of on Room 101 (although I am willing to put my argument forward to Frank Skinner if he’s interested in that sort of thing). 

So, what shouldn’t you say to someone who’s being RKO’d by their very own grief goblin? Never- and I cannot stress this enough- say how “StRoNg” or “bRaVe” you think they are. Never. Cut that shit out, it’s fucking GROSS. THis is an especially common thing from those Ungrieved and it honestly feels like an Alexis Rose Pity boop on the nose or pat on the head. To me, those words mean “awwwwww, sucks to be you pet.” which may sound harsh but hear me out. The wonderful Maya Richardson describes the frustration with this in regards to racism/transphobia/homophobia but I also think it applies to grief perfectly: 

“You’re so brave comments often feel like a microaggression as it’s a form of ‘othering’.This is to view or treat someone as intrinsically different and alien from oneself. The comments Basically say “your life is harder than mine” and feels like a back handed compliment Or an insensitive power move even if they meant well.”

The “you’re so __” comment gives you no support and is alienating, it makes you feel like you’re a freak who’s fighting a one person battle that you can only fight on your own cause no one else is as “strong” or as “brave” as you. Also, I’m not fucking strong or brave. I don’t want to be strong, I didn’t ask to be brave, and if not being these things means I don’t have to meet my grief goblin every morning then I’d rather be a weak coward any day. 

The best response I’ve ever had when telling a friend I’m grieving or I’ve just lost someone is “Fuck me! Another one? That’s wank. Do you want to talk about it?” Not only did this not isolate me and it gave me the opportunity to talk through things to process them better, but it also validated everything I’m feeling. Yes it is wank thank you for acknowledging how utterly wank this situation is - it’s the biggest pile of wank I’ve ever waded through and no, I’m not “brave” for doing that.

Let them talk about it, listen to them, hug them, recognise the wank they're wading in and give them a hand to pull them through. Also, if they don’t want to talk about it then,for the love of God, just treat them as you would normally. When you’re walking on eggshells around someone they can also see the shells you’ve scattered about the place and it makes it all so lonely - cut that shit out. I’m someone who handles pain via humour cause if i don’t laugh i’ll cry and if i cry i wont stop so, if I make a joke about cemetery visits being more like European tours due to how many graves we visit and how fucking long it takes, PLEASE just laugh; I’m trying my best here. 

Ultimately, I see grief as a pet for life that you learn to train and care for, but it still does piss on your floor or bite your heart every now and then; and if you know a friend who has one of these funny little creatures you should treat it as such- a new pet of theirs thats learning to be obedient. They may leave it at home sometimes or introduce you to it if they feel comfortable but, in the end, it is here to stay. And that’s okay. 

Treat them and their grief goblin with the respect and love it deserves and then, I assure you, we’ll all pull through together - eventually.

#grief goblin iteasssswhatiteasssss yolo funnythoinnit

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

If you’re still doing the writing prompt thing I have this Destiel headcanon that Dean figured out he could lift up Castiel and he does it all of the time just to annoy him.

Here you go! It’s kinda long, and more fluffy than it was supposed to be Idk but I hope it’s up to your liking, fren!

***

The first time he does it, he has a very valid reason to. Cas has a broken femur, and a cast, to show for it. Thankfully, it isn’t a femural shaft fracture, and doesn’t require surgery. He’d broken his leg in the minor accident he’d had with a car - he was the pedestrian - and Dean had made sure to yell at the twenty three years old driver until the kid swore to never overlook a traffic light again. Anyways, they’d taken Cas to the hospital, and after a small procedure and a couple hours in the hospital - they’d let him take his boyfriend home.

Of course, at that moment, neither Dean nor Cas had remembered that they live in a first-floor apartment, and due to the stellar landlord-tenant relationships, the elevator was often down.

“The doctor told you to,” Dean snapped, when he saw Cas trying to put weight on his injured leg. “Not do that very thing, Cas!”

“Well,” Cas defended. “I’ve gotta, Dean! Because I can’t exactly teleport to our bedroom, so -”

“- shuddup.” Dean finds himself marching up to Cas, far too up in his personal space to not be about to do what he’d been debating with himself about doing. “You’re not a wriggler, are you?”

“Is that a sex term?” Cas threw back, smirking.

Dean ignored that - still sorta pissed off at Cas for coming in front of a slightly-speeding car just because he thought everyone on a city road was as law-abiding and respectful of zebra crossings like he was. Cas should’ve known better than to do something like that - what if, in his stupidity, he’d broke something more than a leg!? The thought pained him, and made him even more mad at Cas.

“I’m gonna pick you up and take you to our house.” Dean declared, equally for his benefit as for Cas’s. Cas blinked at him like he’d gone paranoid, and Dean swallowed, to absorb even more of the determination he knew he should feel.

Half-limp, and unable to move back, Cas shook his head firmly. “You’re not doing that, Dean.”

“Are you planning to set up camp in the lobby?” Dean bristled. “Because I’m not into the idea of going to a motel or back to the hospital!”

Cas was silent.

His eyes were a show of vulnerability, suddenly shining with the realization of being a liability. That very moment, it struck Dean, and it was like a kick to his stomach. He was hurt, and Dean was being an asshole to him.

“Cas, babe,” He put his hand on the shorter man’s spine, comfortingly. “You worried I’d drop you..?”

Cas looked at him hesitantly. “I know you wouldn’t..but what if we both fall and fracture our hips or something?”

Dean scoffed, dismissing the thought. “Will you just lemme do this, Cas?”

Cas pursed his lips, and there was indecision on his face - which was better than the definite refusal before and the cue for Dean. He knew his boyfriend well enough to know that Cas wouldn’t ever say a ‘yes’ outright to an idea like this, but him considering it meant - in Cas-tongue - that Dean was allowed to do this.

He grinned at Cas, readied himself, and keeping his eyes trained on Cas the whole time, picked him up bridal-style, with a hand under his neck and the other under his thighs.

Cas gasped, as Dean lifted him up, automatically clinging to Dean in a hurry that Dean found more endearing that he’d ever tell Cas.

“Ready?” Dean teased, before beginning to climb the stairs.

Cas almost screwed his eyes shut, until when he didn’t, and kept staring at Dean’s face as he carried him up. “We’re actually doing this.” He muttered, looking down at the stairs for the first time - careful not to move any more than he had to to inconvenience Dean.

Of course it wasn’t easy. Cas was six feet of running muscles (and concentrated snark, but Dean was hoping that was weightless or something). Dean may be taller, but even he knew that Cas looked bigger than him because of how he was built. But Dean was determined. They didn’t even really quiver.

Dean, aware of his own strength, put him down on the first landing, for a few moments. Cas still leaned on him, but Dean was very much okay with that, in spite of the fact that he was panting.

“You’re strong,” Cas informed Dean, coyly, when Dean picked him up again - with way more expertise than before, instantly adjusting his hands in the space behind Cas’s knees (careful to avoid the plaster) and the other holding up his upper body.

“Damn straight.” Dean replied smugly, resisting the urge to blush, and directing all of his attention to getting Cas to their doorstep first. “Get down, Cas, you’re home.” He let him on his feet, still half-steady, and began to unlock the door to their apartment with his keys.

Cas was grinning wide, at him, when he straightened and the door swung open.

“What?”

“I’m regretting the cast on my leg right now, because otherwise, I’d ask you to carry me to the bedroom.” Cas raised his eyebrows, giving him that look which made him weak in the knees -

Which was not the way to go right now, with one of them unable to walk right now.

Dammit, Cas.

“You enjoyed it, huh?” Dean prompted instead, not picking him up, but tucking Cas’s arm around him and supporting him as they walked into their living room. They both landed almost at the same time on the familiar couch they’d chosen together, at the time of moving in, almost two months back.

“I wish I could show you how fun it was,” Cas replied, without a speck of suggestion in it. “I could lift you too, you know.”

“You know I’m taller than you, right?” Dean couldn’t help the note of pride.

“You can lift me up two flights of stairs, and you think I can’t -” Cas narrowed his eyes at him, but there was a smile on his lips. “You clearly haven’t realized all the benefits of dating another man, Dean.”

Dean smirked. “Don’t promise me stuff you can’t deliver, Cas. At least not rightaway.” Cas frowned. “Well, I suppose I’m also supposed to get food and everything now that you’ve rendered yourself unpotable,” He smiled fondly at Cas, who huffed in annoyance. “So, my cooking or takeout, babe?”

*

The memorable next time, they’re in the middle of an argument. It’s a goddamn funny argument too, because Cas is hell-bent on not sleeping yet, and Dean will not let that go.

“Fucking 48 hours, Cas!” Dean yelled, “I’m not here for a weekend, and you don’t even go to bed!”

“I told you that I didn’t mean for that to happen.” Cas bristled, looking away from Dean. He looked like he wanted to use the ’but I dozed off on my desk enough times’ line again, but Dean was glaring at him too hard. “And if you’d stop freaking out about my sleep schedule for a moment, I’ve gotta finish this paper!”

“When’s the last date?” Dean clenched his fists, and hissed through his teeth.

“Thursday.”

“Today’s a Monday, you complete -” Dean lost it, and began to march towards his annoying boyfriend, who obstinately took a step back. He stood in front of Cas, inches away from his beautiful goddamn face, adorning an annoying frown.

“Are you planning to kiss me to sleep?” Cas rolled his eyes. “Because I’d like to see you try.”

“Nope.” Dean shot back, hella serious. “But I will carry you to bed.”

Cas narrowed his eyes, like that didn’t make sense - unless something must’ve clicked in his head, and he raised his eyebrows. He stole a glance at his computer, the word document of his paper for college open. He turned back to Dean, swallowing. “What?”

“You know what.” Dean’s voice was more level, but he was still exasperated with Cas. “I can do it, and I will, Cas.”

“Fine.” Cas bit his lip. “Carry me.”

Dean was slightly taken aback at the change of heart, but he also knew that he’d not seen Cas since friday and wanted to be close to him - would’ve made it much easier if he’d slept human hours, but still.

Without a word, Dean bent and picked Cas up with a flourish. It was still hard to do it, but at least he knew all the correct ways to make it more comfortable for them both.

Cas, this time, wrapped his hands around Dean’s neck, beaming. “Hello, Dean.”

“Come on, you sleep-deprived idiot.” Dean muttered, deliberately bouncing on his heels before walking towards his bedroom.

“This is unbelievably hot.” Cas told Dean, burying his face in Dean’s neck, and making Dean swear under his breath because goddammit.

“I know, right?” He joked, instead of making a lewd comment like he really wanted to - because believe it or not, Dean had that level of self control when it came to his boyfriend’s health. They reached the bed in no time, and Dean practically let go of Cas once he reached the memory-foam mattress - one of the loves of his life.

Cas, making a content little sound in his throat, began to make himself comfortable - for all his bite against this, literally five minutes back.

Sometimes, especially as a twenty four year old in college, you just need your bed to remind you how much you actually want to sleep.

Cas was already in just a ratty tee and pyjamas, so Dean stripped down to his boxers and joined Cas on the bed, who, for all his stillness and adorable sighs, was still awake.

“What else d'you need to sleep?” Dean teased.

“I was just thinking,” Cas returned, turning around to face Dean who was lying on his back, and wrapping an arm around his middle.

“About how awesomely strong I am, for being able to carry my big, grumpy boyfriend around?” Dean suggested.

“I’m not big.” Cas muttered, drowsily.

“You are, in all the ways that matter.” Dean chuckled at his own joke, because Cas was too asleep to react to it anymore. Fucking finally.

Dean carded his hands through the sleeping man’s hair, comfortable in everyway ever, and began to drift off to sleep himself, even feeling a little proud of himself.

*

Of course, those were the good two times. Followed by a number of bad times too. Once Dean realized that he could carry Cas around, he began to do it more freely.

There was a certain thrill in picking Cas up when they kissed, and an equal thrill in seeing the annoyed frown on his face on the Sunday mornings when Dean picked him up and landed him on the kitchen chair so that he had company while he cooked breakfast.

He carried him to bed when he fell asleep on the sofa, and Cas would regularly wake up bitching that there was a reason he napped on sofas, so that he could wake up due to the factor uncomfortability, and resume his work - and that by carrying him to bed like this, Dean was disrupting his work schedule too.

The number of 'pick you up’ puns were endless, once Dean discovered the joys of that. Cas must also enjoy it too, because he didn’t exactly laugh at all of Dean Winchester’s lame jokes, but he practically fell over laughing when Dean uses an old and tried one.

But he also knows that it annoys Cas most of the time now, but that’s part of the charm, really.

Cas swears that he’s gonna put on weight so that Dean can’t carry him around, randomly. Dean does him one better and says that he’ll restart going to the gym to sustain his newfound ability, and eat in just as much increased quantity as Cas says he will for the purpose.

One evening, when Cas remembers that he’d once told Dean he could pick him up too, he acts on it. Its almost easier for him, which is annoying for Dean - but Cas was right. In his previous 22 years of being in the closet, he’d clearly missed out on the opportunity of this. None of the chicks he went out with could’ve pick him up like this, or even been into the weird idea.

Then there’s the time that Dean wins an argument at Wal-Mart, when he threatens to pick Cas up - which is one of the weirdest things that he’s ever done, but Cas is laughing just as hard as he was taken aback - and that settled the debate on frozen meat.

So yeah. There’s a lot of times Dean does it, purely to annoy Cas. And it works like magic and that’s amazing.

But then there’s the really awesome times too, where Dean gets to actually fucking dramatize the line, 'carry you over the threshold of the altar of our marriage’ or something before Cas swears at him to shut up and start kissing him already, and he was getting impatient to be dehymenated as a wedded man or some shit Dean doesn’t remember because then they started making out.

Their honeymoon, close to Dean’s 27th birthday, is the only time Dean’s actually close to dropping Cas - but Cas has only himself to blame because he began to kiss Dean while in the middle of the act - and forgive him for not being completely stable on his feet whilst necking your husband.

And then there’s all of the times when they’ve put their daughter to bed, and Dean has insisted on carrying Cas to bed after a few moments too - a ridiculous gesture but greeted with annoyed grins and half-meaningful rolled-eyes.

So, there. Dean Winchester could pick Castiel up, and he does it often. Castiel can pick him up too, but he knows Dean loves it so he lets him do it. And most of the reason Dean does it, is because Cas either melts in his hands and goes all fluffy and clingy - or he snarks at him mid-air and yells for Dean to get over this phase, or argues that he’s a grown man who doesn’t want to be carried around like a fucking baby.

Dean has a good argument to that, especially when Cas looks at him with that crease in his forehead and hint of a scowl, even while he’s hiding a smile. “No offense, Cas, but without your degrees and computers, you’re kinda like a baby in a trench coat.”

*

I actually liked this one! Thanks for the prompt very much, dear anon!! Tagging @awkward-penguin-in-a-trenchcoat @iamcharliebradburylevelperfect @all-or-nothing-baby @styggtroll @notyoursweetbaboo @moderatelypanickedbisexual@telefunkies @adventurous-blob @crack–attack Thanks for reading!! Edit: If you feel like it, please leave a comment. Kinda need it somedays. Have an awesome day!

#supernatural #writing prompt #supernatural fanfiction #destiel #AU #deancas #destiel fluff #a deancas drabble #destiel crack #college au #destiel common tropes #destiel kiss #dean winchester #castiel #castiel novak #destiel married au #domestic destiel #prompt inspired #I wrote a thing #sheya shall deliver #spn #not spoilers #spn fanfic #casdean #casdeanasstudents

[backtodc]

Who do you think Ran takes after more, Eri or Kogoro? And in what ways?

I think she has a certain straightforwardness that definitely came from Kogoro. The man doesn’t have much in the way of a brain-to-mouth filter, and while Ran’s much better-behaved and capable of keeping secrets, she still doesn’t generally seem at home with a great deal of deviousness, whereas Eri does (pretending to be listening to music instead of Kogoro comes to mind, whereas I’m trying to think of any time Kogoro had to put up an act that wasn’t blatantly obvious, and the only thing that came to my mind was Sunset Mansion, where it was actually Kaitou Kid). 

Her temper’s probably her mother’s. Kogoro’s temper does flare up hard but also tends to burn out hot and fast. Ran’s anger--I’m mainly thinking of the case where the girl lied about being Shinichi’s girlfriend to get help finding the boy she was babysitting who’d been kidnapped, or the time she met the guy she thought was Eri’s new boyfriend and turned out to be her vet--burns longer and can turn icy cold, which is definitely more how Eri operates.

Her compassion is prooooooobably from Eri? I mean, it’s probably not a plot twist to say that Kogoro’s kind of an asshole who doesn’t notice or care about the happiness of people around him a great deal. Like, he gets hella mad if Ran or Conan get hurt and can get pretty mad about murders, especially when it involves people he knows, but he sure doesn’t seem to care too much if they’re all that happy. We mostly see Eri when she’s dealing with Kogoro, which definitely does not bring out the best in her, but she does seem to have a lot more close friends, is kind and sociable with her coworkers including her secretary, and appears to have a more positive relationship with Ran, though I still really wanna know the details of why she didn’t take Ran with her when she left Kogoro. (Maybe she thought, since she was the one walking out, if he tried to sue for custody she’d lose? Though which one of you is a) sober and b) an actual lawyer and c) employed at all for that matter. Japan’s got some pretty old-fashioned attitudes to divorce, still, but surely even then custody wouldn’t be awarded to an unemployed father over a mother with a rising career?) Plus she’s a cat person and a lot nicer to Conan, so yeah, probably the compassion comes from Eri, though I actually think Yukiko is also a valid argument, since Ran seems to have spent plenty of time with Shinichi’s family to the point of travelling overseas with them for holidays and seems to be as familiar with Shinichi’s house as her own. I wouldn’t be surprised if she spent a LOT of time over there when her parents separated, since it’s pretty common for kids not to want to be at home in those situations, especially if the remaining parent is liable to be drinking himself into a stupor. (I also SERIOUSLY question a lot of Yukiko’s parenting choices, but there’s no denying that mostly she’s a very friendly soul). 

Her tendency to pine endlessly over Shinichi is something I blame on both parents and their complete inability to move the fuck on

IDK. I can see things she got from each of them, but I’m not sure if she actually takes after either of them particularly strongly. Since neither’s exactly been a strong parental figure in her life, she’s got a wider patchwork of strong influences--Shinichi, Sonoko, Yuusaku, Yukiko, Agasa, and I think there’s at least two incidents of her showing extremely deep-seated fondness for her elementary school teachers. Most folk I know are hard-pressed to remember their primary school teachers’ names except maybe that one that was either super weird or hated them specifically. Good god this girl needs a hug

#peggaboo #Ran Mouri

[mimeparadox]

More James musings

So I once again made the mistake of visiting James’ tag--imagine that, someone who likes his story visiting his tag--and saw a post which I felt was emblematic of a lot of the comments I’ve seen regarding this week’s Supergirl, and James’ story this season in general--and specifically, how disingenuous they feel, either ignoring canonical details, holding him to a standard no other character is held to, or both.  Among the arguments the post made was that James was somehow terrible for going to the Child of Liberty he knew and had a relationship with in an attempt to get him to stop, instead of using Catco resources to warn the city about the attack.  

I’m sorry, what? 

The episode gives us an explicit deadline: there are twenty minutes between the moment Team Supergirl figured out the COL’s plan and the moment it was to be carried out. Even if James could head to Catco and prepare a warning they could broadcast in twenty minutes--difficult, with a Thanksgiving skeleton crew!--what is he going to say? He has no direct evidence that the Children of Liberty are responsible for the tagging or that they’re planning out an attack, and even less that he can divulge without implicating Kara and/or the D.E.O. Saying something like “Aliens! Could there be invisible marks in your house?” isn’t likely to be terribly credible, or helpful, particularly since infrared tech isn’t exactly a household item.  A broadcast warning wouldn’t be useless--at least some aliens would decide to screw the risks and just leave before the attack comes--but it’s a terrible plan A, and as journalism, it’d be hella irresponsible--not quite shouting fire in a crowded theater, but close.  

As for James’ larger plan, I fail to see the problem, besides the fact that the writers have been wishy-washy regarding what it’s supposed to be.  As executed, though, it seems like the sort of thing that would be unobjectionable, but for the fact that it’s James executing it. Establishing connections with the low level guys, in the hopes that they’ll lead him to the big guy? Standard operating procedure in anti-organized-crime operations. Ingratiating oneself with a group and then feeding intel to the opposing parties? Exactly what a double agent does. What’s more, what many of the people attacking James apparently refuse to acknowledge is that it has been effective--take James away, and the Thanksgiving massacre would have been far worse. The problem, it seems to me, is less that James is doing it, but that the D.E.O. isn’t, and probably wouldn’t have, even without the Colonel Hayley factor. Heck, Lena could probably hire someone to do it for her, and the plot has yet to explain why she hasn’t.  And for all the complaints about James validating the Children of Liberty and giving them a platform--which are valid concerns and something the series could stand to better tackle, even if the matter is above the series’ weight class*--it’s worth noting that nothing he’s done so far has involved CatCo or his identity as the Guardian (although that seems to change next episode), and that this whole confrontation with his source ended with him punching him out when he was about to use violence.  I thought we were all for Nazi-punching?

A lot of the arguments against James also suggest that he is outside his lane, and that he is acting out of ego, and generally that his reasons for saving lives--and again, he is saving lives--aren’t good enough. These are partly based on canon, and his expressed desire to more directly help people, but they’d also carry more weight if it weren’t for the complete silence regarding Alex, Kara, and Brainy’s decision to go against Hayley’s orders and investigate the COL anyway, even when it is explicitly not their lane. Why do they get to decide that they and only they can do unauthorized and reckless action in service of a perceived greater good, and not him?  It feels incredibly hypocritical, in a universe of super-heroes and vigilantes.  And again, it’s not as if he’s not actually helping--again, people are alive because of him. But apparently that’s not good enough for some reason. 

----

* And that’s even without taking into considerations the factors that make the COL not a perfect fit for actual hate groups--the alien invasions, the fact that the aliens do have superpowers, the country has no clear way to deal with them when they do crime (the D.E.O. is supposed to be secret, after all) and that a single alien infiltrated the highest office in the United States. It’d be one thing if the world-building had done the work of showing how exactly they became integrated into the fabric of the U.S., but it hasn’t, instead preferring to use them as immigrants in funny make-up. 

#Supergirl #James Olsen

[antmfunny]

1. The Shoe Smirk

If Khrystyana has a super power - other than being an awesome model, obviously - it would be that she can hear a tear rolling down someone’s cheek from a mile away. We’ve seen her comforting pretty much everyone in the house when they cry, and crying is the #1 hobby in the model mansion

She’s even there to comfort Jeana, who she hasn’t been getting along with lately, when she hears her crying. It’s beyond me how Khrystyana could Jeana crying in a bathroom downstairs when she’s upstairs in bed, but let’s just say she’s “blessed” - you know, in the same way that Law is when he can sense that Kyla needs a dick in her.

Jeana appreciates having a shoulder to cry on - we know that her bestie Rio can’t comfort her in that way because she has metaphorical spikes on her shoulder. Literal ones at times, too.

In talking to Khrystyana, Jeana gets her confidence back, only to lose her grit again on the set of the music video. For the first scene, Director X wants all the ladies to look “bored” at a dinner party, which is a weird brief during PERSONALITY WEEK, but after complaining that her personality isn’t as effervescent as the other models, you’d think this would be Jeana’s chance to shine!

Nevertheless, Director X thinks Jeana is terrible at being boring (does that mean she’s accidentally being entertaining?) all the while complimenting how the other women, aside from Rio, are doing. Apparently, portraying boredom means spilling wine, throwing grapes, dropping broccoli, fanning yourself and combing your hair with a fork. Really that sounds more like bad manners to me, but okay.

Oh, and also eating feathers? Did you all catch Khrystyana’s hilarious spit take when Tyra surprisingly drops by? Why were those in her mouth in the first place.

For the record, I think Jeana does fine in the video. She’s far better than Rio and a discernible amount better than Shanice. Between takes, Khrystyana tries to make pleasantries with Jeana, but she gives her the cold shoulder. That’s the last time Khrystyana will be comforting her!

During her solo moment, Khrystyana’s heel breaks! It’s hella dramatic because’s Jeana initial reaction is a smirk!

It sure looks an “I’m secretly happy because someone else screwed up” face, but the truth of the matter is that’s probably not the immediate face she made since there’s no way there was a camera was on Khrystyana AND Director X giving instructions AND Jeana standing on the sidelines just standing and watching. That’s not how reality television works.

Shanice asks if Khrystyana is okay, and Khrystyana says she knows Shanice was concerned since she saw her facial reaction when it happened. Wait, how many other people’s faces was she able to assess as she’s tumbling to the ground?

I stan for Khrystyana, though, so if she says Jeana made the face, I believe that Jeana made the face. Jeana wants this prize badly, so of course I can see her momentarily relieved that someone else could go home.

Oh and speaking of prize, Jeana’s latest bit of spilled tea (thanks for the heads-up @thev3rgeofobscene) is that they had no idea what the prize was for most of the cycle. No wonder she hadn’t been planning her avatar for weeks!

Because Khrystyana wants to inspire people to stand up for themselves, she confronts Jeana about her facial reaction. Jeana responds, “I would never wish that a girlSLASH a model in stripper type heels would break their shoe. Like, it hurt. I’m not that kind of girl.” Jeana knows what it’s like to hurt - she’s had sand in her eye and a tent pole to her back. In all honesty, the number of details in this statement makes you have to wonder if Jeana WOULD root for her competition to fall in shorter footwear, or just fail in some other non-painful way.

Somehow, the drama’s not over, y’all. While Khrystyana and Shanice film a pillow fight scene, Jeana suddenly crawls in and starts partaking. The other girls don’t understand how she can just enter the scene with permission, but I’m immediately suspicious of of this allegation - you think Director X is just going to let an extra change his scene? HE IS 41-YEARS-OLD, he would speak up.

At panel, the judges diss Jeana’s performance. Law wants to see Jeana blossom beyond the bald girl, saying that Ashley and Tyra each evolved into celebrities beyond their initial identity. Jeana’s just starting though, so I don’t think her lack of celebrity status at this point should be held against her. Let her get more comfortable with the bald thing and see where she can take it.

When it’s Shanice’s turn, she decides to throw Jeana further under the bus, bringing up the fact that Jeana joined their scene without warning. At this point, Director X acknowledges that it was his call and he wanted to add all the girls to the scene, except that Rio and Kyla were already out of their costumes. See! There was a perfectly valid explanation.

Shanice also insists that Jeana was pushing her and Khrystyana too roughly, so Jeana defends herself to say that she was just getting into character. That should have been her avatar’s gimmick. Boring by day, shover my night.

Tyra doesn’t want to hear about it, though, and tells them to sort out this fight at home. Normally, Tyra loves hearing about the interpersonal drama, but she can already tell this argument is so petty and dull that it doesn’t warrant any further time.

Backstage, Khrystyana tries to address the moment again and Jeana simply doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Rather than arguing, she burrows under a duvet. It’s probably her smartest pose yet!

Jeana goes home because the judges think she needs to be more than just a bald girl. Hopefully she snagged that awesome Republican mom wig they put her in at the video shoot. She could launch a whole new career with this look:

3 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 11

#Jeana #Jeana Turner #ANTM #america's next top model #Top Model #Cycle 24 #Tyra Banks #Director X #Law Roach #Shanice Carroll #Shanice #Khrystyana Kazakova #Khrystana #Rio

[fiftycucks-blog]

Fifty Grand & Distance Decay Discuss Antifa and Freedom of Speech

DISTANCE DECAY ok let's un pack this -

FIFTY GRAND It’s easy. I don’t support what antifa is doing Especially last night Gross and embarrassing Bunch of privileged college students breaking shit Then going back to the privacy of their homes And chillin maybe play some video games Nothing revolutionary Sorry Not fixing anything Not helping anyone Protesting milo yiannapoulous of all people It's a sad time for the left If this was coming from the right you damn well know you’d condemn it DISTANCE DECAY other people have opinions too - u can be anti violence urself but to not understand why people would oppose fascism with violence is what i'm not understanding - i believe u said on ur own facebook something about those complicit in the holocaust FIFTY GRAND But dude Milo isn't a fascist Come on This is bad If you can prove to me That milo is a fascist I’ll fall back Forever

DISTANCE DECAY ummm are you speaking for me now? u don't kno my politics - so let's not assume and ask eachother questions the tweet u quoted wasn't about milo it was about anti fascism FIFTY GRAND Right But who destroyed property and hurt people last night Innocent people Antifa So I'm trying to understand Why you think that's ok We aren't talking about literal Nazis

DISTANCE DECAY 1. i believe there's reports of yianopolos supporters and antifa 2. i'm personally not for violence where in do i say i'm okay with what happened last night again the tweet was about anti fascism FIFTY GRAND I'm talking about Milo tho Not his supporters DISTANCE DECAY and i thought we agreed not to assume? i'm all for talking here, ur feelings are valid i don't want u to feel as if they're not FIFTY GRAND I'm just responding to you DISTANCE DECAY i could just as easily say i'm speaking of anti fascism as an ideology not those who carry it out FIFTY GRAND You and I both know what the original tweet refers to Antifa The org And to go back to your original question I'm not neutral or pro DISTANCE DECAY are you pulling tribalism on me? FIFTY GRAND The fuck lmao ?? DISTANCE DECAY i just woke up - i mean this sincerely the "you and i both" confused me to the tweet earlier - i saw the police language tweet - i don't want u to feel that censoring u, just showing how i feel, but i don't want u to feel unvalidated in ur feelings either FIFTY GRAND No I get that. But like. If I wanna say the word cuck I can I'm not politically correct I don't feel the need to be Besides you keep bringing that up, did you not even see who I was responding to that day? Someone who was attacking my character and music as a comeback Yea I shut them down And I don't care It wasn't discourse DISTANCE DECAY yeah u can,  and i've seen u use it other times also on facebook but still i'm not gonna tell u what u can or can not say just so i can understand this we agree people can say what they want - correct? but i don't think that means freedom of consequences from that speech i.e. someone responding to u - which is very different from censorship FIFTY GRAND Let me ask you something What do you think was accomplished last night DISTANCE DECAY honestly - i just woke up so i don't kno the full extent of what happened, outside of the quick search i made when milo kept being brought up so i think that brings us to our earlier point - antifa destruction of property caused harm to innocent people, milos followers emboldened by his speeches brought harm intentionally to those whose identities they feel have no place FIFTY GRAND Ok I see where we disagree I don't believe that speech is oppressive I used to But I don't anymore He has the right to his speech Which is just about feminism and men's rights , sometimes Islam If you listened to his speeches you'd see it's pretty clear he's just a gay Jew supporting free speech on college campuses DISTANCE DECAY i don't think i said the speech was oppressive however i think that to say it's unequivocally not would be against a very common definition of the word - mental stress or despair - as well as not taking into account the way it can spread and be internalized thru socially learned behaviors - and that humans are creatures of socialization - i think u like psychology so think genie, victor FIFTY GRAND Ok true, I think words can be used as violence, psychologically But I think oppression is more systematic DISTANCE DECAY i think defining our terms is always helpful - i do believe systemic oppression is real and bad - so i think ignoring the psychological aspect would be a disservice to how social organization is formed - given that humans run these systems, learn and reproduce these oppressive values from other humans falls chimed in a lil here -milo and his supporters can arguably represent a cultural shift that has happened in the us in the right-wing (i.e. altright). it's fair to say that this shift is also part of the reason trump was elected, as he was championed by the altright. basically: at what point does this ideology and rhetoric stop being systemic when the elected president is  espousing the same type of rhetoric? isn't that the definition of systemic?

i also believe language plays a huge role in shaping culture tho i am a descriptivist at heart 😋 FIFTY GRAND Not everyone who supports trump is alt-right tho. In fact it's majority rust belt people, poor people who hate the establishment. The alt right is a fringe movement and you're only seeing that because the media is blasting it everywhere And I see you co-signing tweets about me being a victim but you've totally ignored the fact that hella people ARE coming at me And bet you wouldn't even publically denounce me being called a Nazi Ur totally silent there And I find that incredibly problematic If you believe language can shape culture why are you okay with throwing the labels fascist and Nazis round so freely? Because now it just means anyone who disagrees with you Trump was not elected by the alt right Half of America is not the alt right Trust me You're a very smart person, how can you not see the irony in what Antifa is doing? How is it you can bend over backwards to justify it all You know it's only going to get worse People will be harmed Innocent people Every time I tweet on my own platform you see how people react. It is not unfair to assume that I might be subject to violence in the near future But this is the climate you support DISTANCE DECAY 1. i think falls said part of 2. wouldn't that be antithetical to ur argument in free speech ? 3. how far does free speech absolutism go for you? in so far as it hurts your feelings? 4. i think it is a problem when people going throwing these things leading to witch hunts etc, as it is to make generalizations about islam, referring to this as an isolated incident etc. 5. no where do i define it as anyone who disagrees with me - i believe the examples i gave lend itself more to those who are white nationalists 6. half of america may not be alt right but that doesn't change that they champion him nor that bannon is in the white house

i don't believe you are actually a nazi or a fascist, however as much as this might make u go "language police!" i think the language u use is irresponsible - as u have people in ur mentions coming at u i had people in mine from our last convo about islam telling me how muslims do not have a right to exist coming at me - i care about u and i'm sorry i hurt ur feelings - i think maybe there's a lack of linear thinking going on here and i'm having an issue proving my point without indulging in ur methods - which ultimately is antithetical to my own but i'm at a loss for getting it across with my words so i'm trying ur method FIFTY GRAND What language of mine is irresponsible? And what are my methods Lol All I have done is talked Used my words And I'm not understanding the free speech absolutism thing. It's actually your belief that if feelings are hurt we should silence Not mine. It seems very shallow to think that changing language will do anything to rectify deep seated beliefs DISTANCE DECAY ur method of saying and doing whatever u want because "i'm not PC" - whatever that means as i find this is another statement that requires careful unpacking FIFTY GRAND Like, do you think telling people to stop saying faggot on the playground is going to stop homophobia? It will not These are deep rooted issues Speech doesn't even begin to cover And I don't say and do whatever I want to defy all that is PC I simply don't think PC culture is conducive to learning and our democratic way of life DISTANCE DECAY not cover - i don't have all the answers here but again i think language has a huge role in shaping culture - so it is a factor FIFTY GRAND Would you police me for calling myself a tranny? Cuz I do I like that word and I reclaim it DISTANCE DECAY no - again you can say what you want i thought we agreed on this earlier? FIFTY GRAND Did we? Ok DISTANCE DECAY but that doesn't mean that others won't say and do stuff as well maybe not that's why i said thought - are you arguing just to argue at this point? we can stop here maybe have a phone call sometime or go to a library FIFTY GRAND No of course I'm not haha I know it's hard to interpret And yea I'm passionate and a little worked up But I don't feel like I'm tryna argue Just lay down my fundamental beliefs DISTANCE DECAY that's ok - i feel broken honestly FIFTY GRAND Me too, and we both feel very strongly that our way is the right one So there is only so much we can say to one another We will have to agree to disagree and I'm always ok with that I think I should say-- I've been very critical of the left recently which you've noticed, and it's because it's my party and I'm seeing so much division I feel like I'm watching it all fall apart And I want to critique it in hopes that people will hear me out Because I've spent most of my time critiquing the right in the past I feel I need to turn to my own party and say what's going on guys??? Sadly I'm not sure how much I can keep doing it, people want to silence me. And I'm not trying to play victim I'm being as honest as I can be, I really do feel ostracized And sure maybe I am getting in my feels, we all are tho DISTANCE DECAY i think where i myself maybe am confused/take issue is when u publicly tweet these beliefs- there is an objective tone taken, doubled by the calling out others for bias - then you  go back editing/rewording them to something at the end after

example : take the "islam is bad argument" which is how ur words read to me and many others at first- i had a lot of people in ny mentions saying muslims should not exist - after hours u reposted ur thoughts saying using religion to justify horrific acts on people is wrong - which i think better portrays what u we're trying to say and i agree with but was not clearly articulated by the first string of tweets - and after so many with hateful thoughts found their confirmation bias already- and felt empowered and yes i think a lot of this stems from us getting emotional - which is fine we are human which i why i don't understand the triggered thing *in general * not with you and i think it's great to critique the left ! but i think your thoughts don't come clearly out at first - like so personally when u tweeted how is no one critiquing obama on immigration? - my twitter is full of leftist who criticized obama and personally i know of and know those who were deeply affected by ICE etc - again i think it's just the words we use maybe confuse us

FIFTY GRAND Yeah that's totally a fair critique of my tweets, I concede I need to do better DISTANCE DECAY we all do sorry that was so scatter brained the immigration policy under him really hit close to home - and it hit a weird thing bc getting rid of these binary thoughts/looking at life as grey - sad/anxious DT is coming to office but still not wanting to silence those who really suffered as a result under him - i couldn't find the words FIFTY GRAND I tweet my beliefs and I try to engage w those who disagree to a degree but  also I don't wanna reinforce stuff I don't agree with, so I shouldn't act like I'm so diplomatic lol cuz I'm not DISTANCE DECAY yes i feel u - and finding the perfect words in 140 characters or less is very difficult - but given the current climate is so important FIFTY GRAND Right. But at the same time Usually something will upset me so I tweet about it, ppl inevitably disagree and then it helps me, by the end of the "rant" usually my stance changes a little or at least opens itself to others But I start out hella strong And that's probably not the best way Something that upsets me tho is that the narrative seems to be that bc I don't support the violence, that I'm automatically the opposition And thats a rough one to me DISTANCE DECAY i don't have the answers :/ personally vulnerability has been the strongest key for me learning FIFTY GRAND It does make me angry but I think before that it makes me a bit sad and fearful. Anger is just my cover up DISTANCE DECAY i think it reads that way bc you haven't spoken on other issues in a long time - which can lead to confusion or assumption - and granted left is your party this is twitter and people don't kno that

simple explicit statements grounded in reflectivity and reflexivity - subjectivity of language taken in account - is very hard for me :/ FIFTY GRAND Very true This might sound weird but is there any way I can like, transcribe this convo and maybe share it? Cool if not , it definitely sounds odd to ask DISTANCE DECAY and yeah that's fine thank you for asking FIFTY GRAND I won't alter it in any way unless there's something you'd want me to omit. DISTANCE DECAY umm i think it's good to go idk throw me 2 the lions *joke* ^^ FIFTY GRAND 😂

#ANTIFA #FIFTY GRAND #DISTANCE DECAY

[icarus-tirade]

4.29.2021

Oh boi, do I have a shit tonight

1.) My mom pissed me off so badly cause HOW ARE YOU GONNA WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME THE PLAN FOR PAYING FOR MY HOUSING FOR COLLEGE?! I ASKED FOR THAT SHIR LAST WEEK AND WE WENT THROUGH LIKE A 3 DAY PROCESS (something that should only take 1 day mind you) SO YOU COULD GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED AND YOU HOLD IN YOUR PLAN UNTIL I FUCKING CALL YOU* AND ASK ABOUT IT AND I FIND OUT THAT YOU HAD DAD DOING IT BUT NEVER TOLD HIM THE FUCKING PLAN?! AND THEN HAVE THE GALLLLLL TO ACT RIMID LIKE IT'S NOT YOUR FUXKIN FAULT THAT NO ONE BUT YOU KNOWS THE PLAN!! AND WHY ARE YOU ACTING BRAND NEW??? Usually what happens when I need money for school is, parents put money on my credit card and then I pay for stuff but this time MOM IS TRYING TO PAY DIRECTLY THROUGH THE SCHOOL?! AND NOT INVOLVE ME, which would be fine IF SHE DIDN'T FUXK IT UP COMPLETELY!!! She tells me it's all been taken care of by dad when I call her today and so I ask to talk to dad cause he sent me some snacks and I wanna say thank you right? So after talking to dad about the snacks he asks me for a link to the school so he can pay for the housing... meaning it hasn't been done yet. And I'm like, well... I'll just type out the convo

Dad: I need a link to the payment thing so I can pay for housing

Me: What link?

Dad: You sent me all your info, and thank you for that, but I need the link too. I don't know what to do and where to go

Me still confused: mom asked for that stuff so I sent it, I don't know why she wanted it and I don't know what link you're talking about

So finally dad calls mom into the room because we BOTH don't know what's happening and that's when mom has a small voice all of a sudden and is like "I thought we could just pay through the school" AND SO NOW IM PISSED AND STRESSED CAUSE IM DESPERATELY LOOKING THROUGH MY EMAIL ANS THE SCHOOL WEBISTE FOR A PAY DESTINATION WHILE TRYING TO KEEP THE ANGER OUTTA MY VOICE AND MY ANGRY/STRESSED TEARS AT BAY DURING MY CONVERSATION WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO MEEEE!!! THEN I FIND IT AND THEY ADD THE MONEY TO MY CARD (my card that's in the truck cause I left it outside by accident) so I put them on hold and run around looking for the keys that papa had in his pocket and Jammie is trying to get me to calm down and explain but I'm pissed and stressed so that's just making it worse* so I pay (and send them a picture of the receipt that mom wants cause I guess she don't trust me now even though I've done nothing to deserve this lack of trust with school money so fuxk her) after getting my shit and go back to talking to dad who I don't wanna talk to anymore cause I'm fed up and trying not to cry

2.) YOU*: they usually call me at least once a week but they been mad silent since last week which is no Bueno cause I need to know if I have the money or not to pay for the fucking fee OR if they have paid for it SO FUXKING CALL ME CAUSE I AINT TRYIN TO CALL YOU! THEY ALWAYS LACKIN WHEN IT COMES TO DOING SHIT FOR ME. I asked mom WEEKS ago if she could get a refill on my medicine and so when I check in today she NOW wants to tell me that there's been complications cause I'm 18 so I kinda need to do it. AGAIN I'd be fine with that IF SHE AINT WAIT THIS LONG DURING ALLERGY SEASON!! THIS IS SHIT I GOTTA KNOW SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING THIS LONG TO SAY SOMETHING?!

3.) Worse*: Jammie LOVES to talk about how trash my dad is depressed or bipolar (he's fuckin not so I really wished she'd stop saying that, IM bipolar so I know he's not she doesn't even know what she's talking about and it irritates me). So when she had me explain what's happening and I rant about mom fucking everything up she starts blaming dad??? She says that they planned what to say when I called and how to act and that my dad is orchestrating the whole thing like,,, no? Were you even listening to me??? So I repeat that MOM is acting brand new and dad and I don't understand what's happening but she continues to tell me that it's dad who's the blame. I tell her dad is not the only bad guy and is not ALWAYS the bad guy, I know he's shit alot of times but he's not always bad he was a good dad once and he still has his good dad moments, but she REFUSES to listen to me! And keeps blaming him and I KNOW it's cause she doesn't wanna view mom, he daughter, as a bad person and wants to put all the blame on dad BUT THATS NOT TRUE AND IM TIRED OF HER PRETENDING!! LISTEN TO WHAT THE FUXK IM SAYING AND STOP LIVING IN YOUR DELUSIONS!

4.) Dad and I were talking and it was fine UNTIL HE SAID HIS DUMBASS STATEMENT ABOUT ME BEEING TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! Ever sense I've gotten diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder he's taken that and RAN with it. But he uses it in the sense that sometimes I'm calm and sometimes I'm angry and just negative (disrespectful, argumentive, defiant, indifferent, and rude) BUT THATS NOW WHAT BIPOLAR IS. Its basically on and off depression and mania. But his favorite statement is "I don't know which you I'm getting" LIKE BITCH SHUT THE FUXK UP YOU CANT EVEN TELL WHEN IM SAD EVEN WHEN I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES YOUR DUMBASS THINKS I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU GET MAD AT ME AND MAKE IT WORSE! He's never said his "favorite statement" UNTILL I got diagnosed so I KNOW IT'S CAP. YOU DONT KNOW ME SO DONT PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND ME ALL OF A SUDDEN! YOU'RE FAKE AS FUXK! And this was all sparked because I asked if I could watch a show now that I'm 18 and he was like "Wow! She's respectful!" BITCH IVE ALWAYS BEEN RESPECTFUL IM JOT ACTING NEW IM ACTING THE SAME SO WHY ARE YOU TRIPPIN' ??? He said he was surprised I asked because he didn't think I cared about their opinion but literally thats all I cared about!? I acted and behaved in a way that would make them happy and praise me because I constantly wanted validation that I was a good kid, that they loved and cared for me, and that I wasn't a problem and inconvenience because I was alive. SO HE'S FUCKIN STUPID AND THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER I CALMED DOWN. "I dOnT kNoW wHaT yOu Im GetTiNG" LIKE BITCH AHUT THE FUXK UP!! YOU SOUND MAD STUPID

5.) Broski if you see this, I wanna explain my "cowardice" earlier today. Look bro, I view my rant Tumblr as a diary of some sorts. That's why I changed my little description/bio to a quote joke about Journaling from my therapist cause I view this as my Journaling so I can better manage my feelings and get them out in a way that's not harmful to me. With that being said, announcing "Lets read ______ tumblr" is gonna immediately activate my fight or flight. These rants are private and personal to me. I've literally described it as like take a trip or look into the doors of my mind. Sharing my feelings and opinions are always scary to me because I'm afraid of being looked at in a negative light you know cause childhood trauma. You know I'm afraid to share my feelings bro. Let's uh, go back to the question "How much do you trust your friends" and I trust yall a Hella lot but I don't trust ANYONE 100% with my feelings except me. NO ONE. So with that being said, knowing that'd you he actively reading my rant Tumblr with me there was too much and I didn't like it at all. I find that extremely stressful and it made me wanna instantly draft all my recent shit. The main reason I let you look at this Tumblr is because I DONT KNOW WHEN you're looking at it. You might not see it until weeks later so I don't worry about it, you might forget all about it, but if you tell me you're currently reading it or when you're going to read it, then my anxiety kicks in and I panic and fight the urge to edit everything and hide anything that might stand out as weird or bad to anyone else. So yeah, please never let me know you're about to read my rant Tumblr again unless I tell you to specifically look at a post :) also the reason I didn't text you this was because 1.) I never really planned to explain myself cause I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation and it was hard/long to type out or say anyways and 2.) Because of the stuff that happened in sections 1, 2, 3, and 4. I didn't feel like talking to anyone after that.

#i spelled fuck like fuxk because i was typing fast and didnt feel like correcting myself