#they can heal each other's traumas

[shorlinesorrows]

qpr jean and neil. that's all i'm gonna say.

do you see my vision?

#i might add onto this later but right now I'm too busy crying #“misplaced forever partner” ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT DESTROYED ME #neil ordering a hit to keep jean safe changed my brain chemistry #i need them to be friends #i need them to call each other and gossip and send each other stupid memes that only they understand #i need them to slowly grow closer as they heal until one day they can finish each other's sentences #and they ocassionally make super dark jokes about their trauma out of the blue (they bet on how people will react competitively) #i need them to call each other derogatory names but get Super Upset whenever anyone else talks shit about the other and offer to kill them #and i would love them to reclaim the spots next to each other that riko set #and make them their own #they're not partners on the court but they sure as hell are partners in life #the mcs ever #at one point andrew and jeremy are just looking at each other across a table at a restaurant as these two bicker #and realize they have somehow both become the Third Wheel despite the fact that 1) there's four of them and 2) jean and neil aren't dating #the amount of queer platonic pining i could fit in these traumatized people #the: “i'm lowkey obsessed with you but I Really don't like you romantically and I don't know what to do with it” #and the: “oh thank hell me too i thought i was even weirder than i already am. wanna go harass the fbi with me?" #jeremy and andrew watch this trainwreck both exasperatedly and proudly you can't convince me otherwise #cannot convince me that these four won't somehow end up living in each others pockets even if they live 1000 miles away #kevin pops in frequently as his usual wonderful diva self #anyway i'm going insane how yall doing #neil josten #jean moreau #all for the game #the sunshine court

[hamable]

Aelwyn and Adaine benign sibling mockery my beloved

#fantasy high junior year #fhjy #adaine abernant #fantasy high #aelwyn abernant #dimension 20 #I love them and their relationship and interactions so much #the closeness and respect and boundaries of two siblings that grew apart and then found each other again and can now gab about trauma #it’s unparalleled #and Brennan and Siobhan do it SO WELL #I say boundaries as in like. knowing they can press each others buttons and rag on each other #but also Adaine can come over at 1 am with some ice cream from work and they can gossip over bad reality tv #and god the lunch break convo from the previous episode #their bond is so strong and so real to me #to grow up in a bad home situation and even have been enemies at one point #to hauling the other off to lunch and gossiping ravenously #and aelwyn needing to heal at her own pace and getting emotional over the cats and Adaine balancing empathy and ribbing just right #I’m rambling incoherently but #no one does it like them

[mxgoldenwood]

I CAN NOT stop thinking about Astarion with cleric-of-Ilmater Tav, so a few thoughts that have crossed my mind….

First… what could possibly be a more powerful religious experience for a follower of Ilmater than giving up your own blood, so that a friend in need won’t go hungry? The way Astarion’s first bite is narrated, it would almost certainly be a transcendent, divine experience.

Following on from this, though… the more Tav and Astarion spend time around each other, the more I think they would both gain from their relationship.

Yes, Astarion is annoyed by his companions playing the hero and he doesn’t like it when Tav promises to help people just because they’re sworn to relieve suffering wherever they can. He’s selfish and jaded and nobody ever did that for him (before now) so why are these strangers so special?

But on the flip side, there comes a point when Astarion has a point!! Tav doesn’t need to open their veins for every stranger in need. Maybe they shouldn’t sell their soul to help someone who would as soon kill them as look at them. You can’t fill up anyone else’s glass when your own is empty, and all that. I can easily imagine Astarion’s annoyance with Tav’s heroics shifting gradually from “ugh, what makes these people so special that they deserve help for nothing?” to “darling, you’re killing yourself slowly— and for what?” as he finds himself becoming more genuinely attached to Tav.

When you have people who care about you, your suffering becomes theirs. Cleric-of-Ilmater Tav may not see this at first, but they could come to understand it. By all means, help where you can. But don’t make your loved ones watch as you bind yourself onto the rack for someone whose gratitude can never cancel out the vicarious suffering of your (found) family watching you suffer. If anyone would speak up and talk some sense into Tav about this, it would be Astarion.

Just as Tav can set a good example for Astarion, reminding him that he has some goodness and maybe a little heroics of his own, buried under all the bitterness and trauma…. I believe Astarion would have a thing or two to teach cleric-of-Ilmater Tav about when it’s fine to help, and when they’re hurting themself for no good reason.

#text post #baldur’s gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #astarion #i’m so normal about him #ilmater #astarion romance #just some thoughts I’m having on this lovely Monday #about my favorite vampiric elf babygirl #obviously this isn’t even getting into the potential d/s or s/m dynamics they could have between them given time to negotiate it #but rest assured I will have thoughts about that as well #I’m just always feral for romance dynamics where both parties can learn from each other and grow #especially when there’s an element of healing trauma #and when one person’s trauma so perfectly complements the other’s that they are polar opposites and can learn to find balance in each other #i’m not normal about them at all #this is 100% about my first playthru with Erann as Tav #but I absolutely think it could apply for anyone romancing Astarion with a follower of Ilmater

[annamaryllis]

I would like to know exactly how luke asking annabeth to run away with him went down.

#annabeth🥺 #it's sad to think about how it'll be so much harder for annabeth to unpack and heal from that relationship bc he's dead #it's hard enough to come to terms with someone you love/held in high esteem hurting you so deeply #but she's also grieving him too so it's even harder to hold him accountable to herself and recognizing the good and the bad #she may struggle to not romanticize the memory of him #sorting through what about their relationship was pure and genuine and what was fueled by other stuff #both of their trauma really played into it in some of the worst ways... #but to even recognize how her trauma played into it she'd have to identify what her trauma even is and how it's affected her life #it's really complex and difficult work #and bc he's gone she'll never get to question him on stuff like what he was thinking at certain points and why #so certain things will never get the best closure #ugh it's all so fucked up #MAYBE SOMETHING WE COULD HAVE EXPLORED IN HOO RICHARD???? BUT NO #and it would have been perfect too bc she'd also be dealing with issues caused by both of her parents triggered by the MoA quest #like her mother's conditional love #and trauma from her mortal family #and her fear of spiders relates to both of these things bc it's a phobia that's passed down from her mom's actions #so she's being punished for something she's not responsible for and also being burdened with a quest simply for being her mother's daughter #and it also represents her mortal family's neglect bc they ignored her needs and all that... #AND THEN the only person she's received actually pure and good unconditional love from was snatched from her for 6 months #and the MoA quest could have been a way to confront some of these fears and wounds...so she's a little stronger by tartarus which #should bring out the best in her and the worst in percy #and then he can work through some stuff too down there #HoO could have been a journey for them where they're undone and then healed #bc at the end of everything they have the medicine to literally everything which is real love (which they have for each other intensely) #the rant I could go on about this...I have so many thoughts about what HoO should have been. maybe one day #annabeth chase #luke castellan #✏️

[florelia12]

So I’ve been thinking a lot about avoidant attachment styles since I’ve discovered I fall under that category like our beloved Helia hence an essay on his avoidant attachment style:

Its no secret that i love the comics and the Helia arc in The Trial comics. I think what I love about that comic is how florelia’s relationship is developed and depicted.

So, one of the characteristic of an avoidant is deciding to end a relationship without really communicating why. Helia did that to Flora after deciding that she deserved better than how he treated her, and that he wasn’t good enough for her or for red fountain. He decided for the both of them that this wasn’t going to work out because he’s not good enough. Flora didn’t get to have a say or to even confirm whether that was true because he just waltzed right out of there and cut contact.

So, he leaves and like decides to not contact anyone. After a few days of crying, Flora managed to contact him…He starts by saying that he doesn’t want to talk but she cuts him off and says I get it if you don’t want to be around me right now. “I accept that even if i don’t understand.”

When she offers her help to find him a place to stay, it was her offering the help without any strings. Which was why he took it (he was also kinda desperate). After he says yes, she even says okay thats it you can hang up if you want without forcing him to talk about whats wrong.

Then its Helia who speaks up and says hey this is kind of why im behaving this way. She senses an opening and tries asking if they can fix things. He’s not ready yet and so he says no, which she respects and hangs up the phone.

Flora then finds him once he’s settled down. Now, this could have been a manipulative move. Her taking advantage of the fact that he had no choice but to take up the rental room that she found for him so that she can force him out of his self-imposed exile and force a conversation.

However, when Helia tries to apologise because its the decent thing to do, Flora stops him and says he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to. She recognises his need for space right but also knows that he needs a friend right now. So, she offers exactly that and Helia accepts it.

This may seem contradictory since why is he accepting help when he’s an avoidant who’s hyper independent and wants to be able to meet his own needs. But, the reason people become avoidant is because at some crucial point in their life, their emotional needs weren’t met and the only way they could receive that was by seeking it out themselves, something that requires a lot of energy that unfortunately ends up with them not having any energy left to help meet someone else’s needs.

But, what Flora did was meet his needs while letting him know she didn’t expect anything in return. This takes a weight off his shoulders, and he feels secure enough with her promises to accept her help. Because right now, there is no expectation on him that he needs to meet which is the exact thing he ‘ran’ away (expectations he’s worried he can’t fulfil).

Then they’re okay for a while, and they can go on dealing with the matters at hand which is fixing up his apartment.

After a while, when things are going okay and he feels safe and secure. Helia opens up to her. They communicate. She understands.

Then comes the moment that didn’t really sit well with me at first but now I kind of understand.

At first I felt like why is she asking him about their relationship when he’s clearly going through hell about something else, isn’t that a little selfish when she said she’s okay if they don’t talk about it?

But, then I realised that Helia’s needs were met when Flora gave him the space he needed and accepted and understood him.

Right now…She’s asking for reassurance. She feels secure enough with him to ask for reassurance because she needs it right now.

This expectation, its a normal reaction. Its not her asking for something unreasonable. Even the way she phrases it is, do you want to end things? Is this what you need?

Not, oh lets get back together or why did you do that to me. Not blaming him for his actions. ( She even said she forgave him ). Not victimising herself.

Since Helia’s needs were met and he feels secure enough right now, he was able to meet her needs and so he offers her the reassurance she needed.

Which was this iconic moment…

I almost forgot the important part but when conflict strikes again…

Helia receives sus information about Flora and is struggling to figure out whether to believe it or not. Because he’s been tricked once, and now its happening again? Is he gullible? Is he the problem? He’s not good enough is he? A good specialist won’t fall for tricks so easily, right?

Flora senses the struggles and approaches, she’s panicky so she kind of starts seeking reassurance like what’s wrong? What’s going on? Talk to me!

This time he doesn’t walk away, he doesn’t avoid. He feels safe. He knows he can trust her because she’s proven that he is safe with her. He can trust his own instincts. Even if he was gullible, he made a mistake and trusted the wrong thing again, he knows he can communicate it with Flora because he feels safe enough to do it.

He reassures her that he trusts her. Then, they solve the problem. Together.

I just absolutely love this entire arc because its a realistic and somewhat healthy way of being in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

I’ve been seeing alot about this avoidant/attachment style and majority of it just straight up villainises the avoidant. I even saw someone say that “anxious people are expected to accommodate avoidants but avoidants aren’t really expected to accommodate for the anxious partner.” Which will always be true in some cases but is not what the general avoidant or anxious attachment style actually needs.

Its not exactly space that the avoidant needs (thats the coping mechanism), its safety and security. Just like someone with an anxious attachment style. Seeking reassurance is their coping mechanism, the solution is the safety and security that is offered. Accommodating someone’s coping mechanism is never a long-term solution, only healing can give you the peace you need.

Now, i did use to think that Flora had an anxious attachment style but I think she’s more secure. Like she needs reassurance, she struggles with her insecurities. But, you don’t really see her actively seeking it out very often. She understands most of the time when people want to be left alone. While she might struggle to give herself the reassurance she needs, she understands when someone else can’t give it to her at that moment.

Is she avoidant, on the other hand…i might have to sit on that a little but I’d love to know if anyone has any thoughts on that:)

This whole thing is so hard to navigate but people can sure learn a thing or two from fictional characters.

#the way I had such a hard time #trying to figure out my thoughts about attachment styles #until I could only really understand when its under Winx club context #says a lot doesnt it #but helia this is why i love you #but i hate you because why are you so much like me huh? #im going to put this in the tags because I don’t want to piss off any musa/riven shippers #but one reason why muri have quite a few relationships struggles is because they have a sort of trauma bond in my opinion? #like Riven is an avoidant and Musa has an anxious attachment style #when that happens they kind of just tend to trigger each other when conflict arises #thats not very healthy and its not doing either of them any good #but then they are also a good example of why avoidant attachment styles gets villainised #because Riven is always written off as the problem #and as someone who doesn’t meet Musa needs #but Musa isn’t that great at communicating either #i love them and I love how they heal from that but the way they heal #is by feeling more secure in themselves #which is truly the only way to get past these attachment issues #not expecting an avoidant to accommodate the anxious partner or vice versa #which is necessary yes but not what can really help both parties heal and feel safe and happy

[kkoct-ik]

good morning ive been possessed by the spirit of 2022 and now i really want to start my cwilbur rewrite NOW

#i have a lecture in half an hour. #kostik speaks #i have very specific thoughts on ghostbur and cwilbur #that were never fully realised because wilbur (streamer) insisted on presenting them as separate entities that happened to share a face #(i know not Literally. but the fact ghostbur was exchanged for cwilbur is just bananas. boy thats the same fucking person) #which is lame and stupid and ignores basically everything about ghostburs character and their relationships to each other #pogtopia crimeboys is really very special to me from a trauma point of view (their relationship speaks to me) #and ghostbur in the aftermath of that is insane ! if theyd done it right #i wish i could write a slightly smaller story focusing on the narrative of . pogtopia crimeboys. wilburs suicide #and the interactions between the different wilburs and the people and the world around him #with him eventually reconciling and healing of course. also everyone around him healing their separate ways because christ #i maintain that i like how fundys arc finished. the people who grievously wronged you are not entitled to your time for their benefit #ugh i do feel like i should do research if i commit to the rewrite though and can i really stomach like 20 hours of wilbur and tommy streams #maybe i can avoid the research if i drop the dsmp and tell the story through my ocs who are Totally not wilbur or fundy or tommy or niki #oh well. ​wilbur and ghostbur are such a dissociative identity narrative and i will tell this story if its the last thing i do

[commsroom]

i know it’s a popular idea, but i don’t think i can ever really be on board with the idea of lovelace having some big post-canon revenge tour. like, i can appreciate the catharsis of a good revenge narrative in other contexts, don’t get me wrong, but given the themes of wolf 359 as a show, and particularly the values lovelace expresses in her own character arc, i can’t see it as anything other than a tragic regression into the exact type of person she chose not to become.

“the whole epic rampage of revenge thing? isabel lovelace wouldn't do that. the terrible wretch that you people made isabel lovelace into? oh, she'd do that. but... i’m not going to be that person anymore. i’m going to be isabel lovelace again. even if i never have before.”

twice near the end of s3 hilbert calls lovelace isabel, sees in her some shared experience and reflection of himself and his willingness to do whatever it takes, by any means necessary, but he fails to realize that what he recognizes is the result of trauma inflicted on her largely by him. hilbert is a constant reminder of what lovelace has lost and what’s been done to her, and in some sick way that makes him the last link to her past. they both die, and she comes back, and he doesn’t, and she decides to be isabel lovelace again. i don’t think that’s a coincidence.

wolf 359 as a show seems to believe in the futility of revenge - all of dirty work, “and then what? who pays for this? who owns up for this murder? and for the one after this one?” - and places its faith instead in the power of individuals to break cycles of violence and abuse. and i think that’s relevant to the wording of lovelace’s final lines in the show: “look up some old friends, take apart goddard futuristics brick by brick... maybe go to disneyland? but first, i’m going to take a long vacation, somewhere warm and quiet, where nobody has any idea who i am.”

lovelace feels a sense of duty in dismantling goddard and holding them to account, but it’s a world away from the all-consuming ire and drive for revenge “run and hide” contained. i think that’s where the focus should be. it’s not about hurting the people who hurt her, not anymore. it’s about preventing them from hurting anyone else. it’s a final act of love and closure for the people she couldn’t save, to say: i’m still here. i remember you. i’ll make sure your families know the truth. i’ll make sure they never hurt anyone else, ever again. i can’t bring you back, but your deaths won’t be in vain.

i think it’s important to emphasize that lovelace is NOT a violent person. she doesn’t want to be. she doesn’t enjoy it. whatever she may have been driven to by fear and trauma and desperation, she chooses to be isabel lovelace, and that’s not the person isabel lovelace is. i hope she does help take goddard down. structurally. brick by brick. and then i hope she lives a good, peaceful, happy life, in the memory of all her loved ones who couldn’t. like minkowski in boléro: “so that we never forget how important it is that we're still here.”

#wolf 359 #w359 #isabel lovelace #i hope this doesn't seem confrontational at all it's just. #something that's been on my mind for a long time #i have some other tangential thoughts that i might get into later about. revenge in wolf 359 and how the alternative to that #isn't exactly forgiveness #it's about. healing it's about choosing to end cycles of violence and trauma and saying. i won't let you hurt anyone else #and i won't enact hurt. no matter how much i want to or how much you may deserve it. because taking away the power to do hurt #matters more than retribution #and that does kind of tie in to wolf's overall stance on rehabilitative justice #and it's very human. that someone can be an irredeemable monster to one person and someone else's best friend #obviously to differing degrees of severity but. there's something to it. #i do think jacobi and lovelace could potentially parallel each other in a post-canon scenario but it's because they've both #been in that place of all-consuming desire for retribution and had to step back from it. in their own ways. #and they're kind of the outsiders in a way because they've both lost Their people. lovelace is closer to the others than jacobi by FAR but. #it's not the same. #also re: clones in wolf 359 and how they're on opposite sides of that. experience. #the tiamat logs suggest maybe each clone is a little bit different in subtle ways but i think it's worth considering that maybe #they are identical at the moment of creation and the 'differences' the aspects of them that are amplified are a result of #minute differences in their experiences and ways they're treated from that point forward #but that the potential for all of those things was the same in each of them #there's also something about the use of names in wolf 359 #especially how often Full Names are used as a way to assert identity #to say #no matter who you become. what version of yourself you cultivate. you are still Yourself and no one can take that away. #it's a choice. and there's something powerful in that. #anyway. getting away from myself here.

[void-tiger]

…the difference between me and my allo friend… she already has a friendship with her crush. Her crush jokes and texts and visits her back. He’s even hugged her. And if he isn’t attracted to her back, she’ll throw all that away. Is there ANY consideration for his feelings at all?!

While me? I will rip out my own heart by keeping my distance if that’s what would be needed from me—because of a lack of interest, or because things are just complicated; there isn’t a lack of interest back. The opposite, apparently. There’s an Old Guilt about Yet Again feeling unable to reciprocate back the way they wish to…when this whole time all I’ve wanted was to try and find a middle ground. I will aggressively and persistently defend the right to JUST friendship and gently but firmly tell everyone to Leave It Alone, Stay Out Of It, Don’t Pressure EITHER Of Us. Because actual trust and respect and building a solid friendship at whatever level the other person either wants or can offer back…that means more to me than “I’m romantically attracted to this person emotionally and if they feel the same way I’d be open to exploring that with them at whatever point in the future.”

I…dunno. Maybe it’s just the difference between allosexuals and asexuals. Or Lust/Infatuation and alterous/queer platonic attraction. I won’t claim that I’m immune to limerence because…I’m not. But the kind I experience isn’t built upon The Idea of a person and what they look like…but my brain refusing to not get hyperfixated on someone and struggling to pry its jaws open to Let It GO, and…hope, I guess. Hope to finally actually be accepted and not containing myself so tightly inside.

Who someone actually is, if we have a spark of a platonic rapport (over QPR or romantic), matters more to me than an Idea of them, how they look, etc.

And it’s hard to not feel exasperated with apparently…this isn’t how people experience things. I’m always worrying my desire for a connection is too heavy and ultimately selfish. Even as…I really Don’t Care what sort of relationship I have, I just want to discover what it is and fortify it then privately compartmentalize anything leftover. While the majority of people…really don’t take someone’s feelings into consideration at all. It’s only how they feel and how the object of their attraction makes them feel.

…how am I supposed to not feel completely furious about this utter objectification regardless of someone’s gender and sexuality being considered the Acceptable Norm.

Especially when I have always had to fight so damn hard to even have friends and platonic intimacy with friends. Forget when I do have “extra” platonic attraction at play as well.

#tiger’s roar #don’t mind me. it’s just ANGY Ace Time #and I DO have the respect and care and dare I say it affection and attraction more or less returned #but like. I had to fight SO FUCKING HARD for it #harder than anyone else would’ve bothered to #…but the draw just Wouldn’t Go Away and the Draw even existed at all because they ARE someone who’s acted like they yearn for that too #that they are kind. and accept me. and have similar/same interests and to some degree a similar sense of humor #the tension…is circumstances. and misunderstandings for like. 2.5 years. but I think I FINALLY got those resolved #because…I am. stubborn like that. if I’m not told No each time I Check For A No. if I can accept I’m Not A Bother #then…yeah. I’m gonna put energy into exploring for a middle ground and defending the right to friendship and understanding/accepting #in addition to the selfwork I’m going to keep on doing. for my own healing. my own future self. #but especially when it might/is affecting other people #’iT’s nOT tHAT dEEP TiGER!!’ okay but LISTEN. I have A LOT of trauma to resolve and yearning for connection to deal with #and social skills to be stuck practicing very much delayed because my developmental environment STUNTED them #but the pain of Not Dealing With It is poisoning me so…I HAVE to deal with the extreme distress of taking that on #so…yeah. it IS That Deep to me #and when people just…take the friendships they already have for granted… BRUH.

[roobylavender]

what are your thoughts on the naruhina dynamic? I adore hinata, we don't often get characters like her

i LOOOOVE naruhina omfg they were my day ones when i first got into naruto.. i used to enjoy fluffier ships at the time so they perfectly fit my modus operandi lol. i think it's a shame how underwritten their relationship is in main canon (in the sense that they don't get as much page time) because the set up is so good and the few moments they do share with each other are incredibly potent. the pain arc was utterly life changing for me and while i loathe the way the anime generally tends to portray most of the female cast this was one occasion where its expansion on the manga was actually so well executed and remains seared in my mind to this day (please watch from 2:06 of this amv it makes me feel CRAZY). unfortunately the ball was totally dropped with neji's death and instead of adapting hinata's full THREE page monologue to naruto the anime reduced it down to one line that she's consistently been mocked for even though her intentions in the aftermath of that event were so sincere.. i'm always baffled by people's hatred of her because they seem to act like she's timid or quiet on purpose as if she wasn't abused by her father for half of her life. and then they act like she's stupid and can only think about her feelings for naruto at the expense of everything else. but if it was anyone out there on the battlefield watching someone they love get absolutely pulverized would they not do something about it too regardless of their own ability in comparison? i don't think that moment ever came down to logic and i don't think it even had to. comparatively when she made a remarkable display of composure and emotional strength in response to her cousin's death everyone laughed at her for subsequently accepting the smallest bit of comfort (and don't even get me started on how neji fans feel about her generally.. they direct more hatred to that poor girl than they do her father lmao it's insane). it's simply bizarre the expectations she's held to and the consistency with which she's underestimated because she's capable of a lot emotionally and the development is there! and a lot of people act like if naruto really loved her he would have reciprocated during the main narrative but i always argue it was unrealistic for any relationship between the teen characters to be actualized during the main narrative because they were literally at war.. i'm an avid hater of the last admittedly but that's because i think it squanders the potential the main narrative immediately set up with naruto and hinata theoretically bonding over their grief and desire to take action to ensure nothing like what they went through ever happened again. i've always dreamed of post-war naruto commencing his education in leadership and diplomacy under tsunade's tutelage and that occasionally entailing long days in the library reading over historical scrolls and the like that happen to sometimes be on the same shelf as a scroll on the history of cursed seals, which of course hinata begins to look into after the war because she wants this branch clan business over and done with for good and if there's a way to remove those seals forever she'll find it. the idea of the two of them on awkward library non-dates that eventually segue into something more and develop a rapport and friendship between them that can bloom into love is simply so special to me like urgh they make me Weepy. i truly love them so so much and most of my naruto fanfiction is actually about them lol i do think a lot of it is cringe and over the years i tried to rewrite some of it but if you're interested in reading all of it is here

#outbox #as an aside you know how i started this saying i first loved them bc they were fluffy #as i rewrote some of my older naruto fics i angstified them.. bc there is so much angst in there if you really think about it #like they're two such deeply sad characters who manage to find healing in each other and there's so much trauma you can write about #in building them up to that moment where they find and take solace in each other #anyway. anyway. as you can surely tell i am compeltely normal about them

[katyspersonal]

3 for Aldrich, Aldia, Willem & Laurence

9 for Maria

11 for Micolash & Aldrich

24 for Laurence

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

3) What first drew you to this character?

As for Aldrich, I vaguely recall finding out that he checks the traits I like the most? He was one of the characters I've learned about through fandom and not on my own, and I think this ancient meme about summarises it:

Also:

@val-of-the-north SHUDDUP you're basically so horny for Laurence/Logarius/Snatchers that you can't even picture them in your mind in any way but being naked!!!!!!! *casts the stone back at u*

With Laurence, like with Mico, it was the very first glance at the character in Youtube compilation with boss themes and concept art image. I did not know the lore yet, but the design and the music made me imagine Laurence as sort of aged, sagely librarian. I could not imagine back then that his boss fight would be him being a "helpless abhorrent little mewmew" as kids call it! Heck, I thought he'd have dialogue despite the monster form x) In a way, my first impression was not wrong, with the cut content of him actually talking even in a beast form, and implication of him being a son of Cainhurst cut content librarian NPC! I have intuition for cut content before having information, hahaha!

I have nothing to say about Willem. It might be a memory gap thing, but I swear at some point I feel I was turned off and then booted back up with liking this character already installed in my system x) As for Aldia.... ugh for fuck's sake... yeah, it was this legend:

I was absolutely floored by this stupid vid even without knowing any context, but I also instantly liked this character. I didn't even know his name yet, but the voice acting and long yapping about philosophy already pulled me in XD (Also unironically, this video is precisely how I give relationship advice fhfhdds)

9) Does this character remind you of anyone you know? Does that affect how you see them?

Yeah, I know this person. I know them very well. I know them more than anyone else. Someone who was misguided (by their destructive influence mentor figure, by their own foolishness and past history, or combination of both, who can tell anymore?) into committing awful things, then despaired over their sins and attempted redemption but also failed in some way? This person is me. At some point I've found myself in front of horrible truth about my past life and personality, and knew I was guilty and sullied forever. That it was over for me as a human being, but that didn't matter, and I could only keep people safe by locking myself away and trying to serve something better.

......annnnd it took a few years of more informed people to (metaphorically) shake me and slap my face into lucidity, explaining to me that I've fallen for the "BPD demonization" that was going far beyond than my individual failure as a friend, and we are always accused of abuse and causing irreversible harm when the worst we do is being emotionally overbearing. I kept losing trust to those friends, telling them that they were enablers who tried to gaslight me into thinking I was not 'that much of a monster', until it was other people with BPD who 'shook me and slapped my face into lucidity'. xd Nonetheless, even though now I know the truth about how society treats BPDs, I remember the feeling of being so monstrous and harmful that I was not even allowed to "touch" people with my dirty hands, how my reality used to be. So, I could write Maria going through this effortlessly, especially considering what she did was more plain and tangible!

In fact... thank you for asking me about this, because I kept wondering why I had such frequent dreams about being Maria, and why the Maria in my dreams acts like abused child that took back control against Gehrman despite my portrayal of the guy being so different. And now the puzzle is solved! That part of me still lives inside, it seems.

11) How did you “fall in love” with this character?

Already answered this for Micolash here: ( x )! As for Aldrich, it was through properly analysing the bigger picture and context of his actions. I've figured that his madness was, in fact, being informed on what was far too ahead of everyone else around him! He, like the rest of the cast, is trapped in the rotting, doomed world in which the only choices are 1) "die with dignity" or 2) commit something unthinkable from moral standpoint for a chance to escape. And will morality of the rotting world will matter in the new world anyways? Won't it all be left behind and be forgiven?

The guy also tried to take everyone else he could with him, like sort of a fucked up Noah's Arc! I can tell that they reused the concept with Rykard, at least, I am glad they know what works xD I'd say that the sadism he experienced upon eating people was either result of insanity (he understood a thing no one should understand), or still didn't exclude the bigger purpose (egotistically revelling in how holy he is helping everyone and doing what no one else dared, which would be like my Laurence). In any case, I have the strongest respect to the courage it takes to transcend the bonds of morality and compassion in order to to greater good. Being burdened with the knowledge of how the world really works, and choosing to push through instead of still being bound... This is why I also like Fauxsefka; learning how this world works, she chose to turn people into Kin so they can't ever become beasts. I am weak for this trope, you don't understand.

24) Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.

Laurence appears in my dreams only in two contexts: 1) Micolaurence or 2) dreams about finding secret files in Bloodborne that reveal his canonical appearance before beasthood! I can tell the latter comes from my everlasting unsatisfaction with my design for him, because I love it but it doesn't feel "fitting" and I can't identify why!

The former, I think, fandom rubbing onto me x) In two of these dreams, I was Laurence. In other two, I was Micolash. In one of Laurence dreams it was mutual, in the second one I was in love unrequited. In one of Micolash dreams, it was mutual, and in another it was not.. Basically, my dreams allows me to experience this ship from every possible angle. o_o Waiting for more I guess fhhdfsfd

______________

Thank you for asking! And.. without exaggeration, you've just done quite a psychological work on me by just asking the right thing. I need to think about that, hahaha

#bloodborne #dark souls 3 #aldrich devourer of gods #laurence the first vicar #soulsborne #ask replies #personal #memories #dreams #honestly I remember Maria in my dreams hiding in the closet like an abused bullied child.. that big strong woman reduced to this #and I finally know why it was this way #I'd rather not sully Gehrman with something as dirty as my stepdad of course he deserves so much more and he is his own man #I just don't like the approach of turning characters with their own stories and personality into vessels for my trauma #it feels like frenzied flame: you got infected by it and you have unending need to spread it. to scorch the world in your pain. #I don't think this approach would help my healing but instead make me feel worse by nourishing the trauma #I am keeping it sealed away from the world forever now </3 #see this is why it hurts me so much when gehrman haters accuse me of being insensitive to people that want to project their negative- #-experiences with men and misogyny onto him even if that means twisting the actual story and character. I do have a reason to do it myself #I just choose not to because I personally dislike the idea of making fandomry about myself more and about source material less #I don't want to bring the pain and horrors inside me into something that doesn't have them. some things can stay clean! #the passive aggression between canon worshippers and fanon enforcers is something that cannot be avoided in the fandoms #and I disapprove of the lie about 100% peace and mutual respect between the 'camps'. we will never FULLY like each other #each thinks their approach is more productive for the community. and that's fine!

[whalehouse1]

Two-Face and Joker team up, Gotham is on fire, no worries it’s just a day that ends in y. Cass looks over at Bruce, “Do we need to stop them?” Bruce shakes his head, “No. we need to stop them.” “Who?,” Cass’s head turns, her binoculars focusing in on her…brothers?

Dick is leaning on a baseball bat, Jason on a crowbar. In unison, “Hey human garbage, it’s me, ya’ boy.”

#two-face #harvey dent #joker #red hood #jason todd #Nightwing #dick Grayson #Robin dc #cassandra cain #They can have this as a treat #I want Dick and Jason to have a good brother dynamic #and both heal through their traumas helping each other mutually #that might just be me being a big brother to two brothers bleeding through #but still want it

[lisbonsteresa]

[vibrates at a frequency only dogs and dolphins can hear]

#I NEED TO YELL ABOUT IT AGAIN #he said 'before we get to the latter half of the season and i start acting up let me remind you i am a great friend and pseudo boyfriend' #it's not just that he does it completely unprompted it's not just that it's proof of how much he cares for his cbi girls #it's how focused it is on lisbon - underrated theme of this season is how much good lisbon brings out of jane #not in a 'good influence' kind of way in a...their history and the way they care about each other... #his love for her brings out the love he has for others (idk don't make me pull out the dawsons creek quote) #it's lisbon's delighted surprise when she learns what he's done #(she loves seeing him help people because she knows how much he loves it even when he tries to bury it under bluster and jokes) #it's the way she thanks him so sincerely (it's the way her 'thank you' here sounds so much like her 'thank you for the letters') #it's the way he's been shutting himself away for like half this season but here he is sitting in her office waiting for her #so he can spend more time (flirt) with her and it's another quiet cute little moment for them #it's the way you can see glimpses of the person buried underneath all that pain and trauma and history #the person that he could grow into if he lets himself heal in a post red john world - a person that could be really truly happy #(and it's the fact that with the benefit of this rewatch i know for sure he DOES grow towards it's just delightful thanks for indulging me) #tm

[topaziraphale]

dear god my last post is NOT getting the reception I thought it would butttt maybe that's on me I guess I didnt clarify a few things. and I messed up at the very end. oops. I'd be replying already if I didnt feel like I got run over by a truck for pulling an all nighter and then not napping🧍‍♂️

#nooooooo the point of my post was just to let crowley change his behavior due to the circumstances not to #demonize aziraphale and play Trauma Olympics and compare his experience to crowley's #they both went through a completely different kind of pain it's literally so not fucking fair to compare that #idk how to make it clear that they BOTH went through DIFFERENT traumatic experiences that has caused lasting psychological damage #to the point that it has completely warped and distorted how they view/treat themselves #let alone how they'll allow themselves to feel for each OTHER #trying to leave a cult that has damaged you to this extent is already difficult enough - but aziraphale found the #strength to do it #what DIDN'T he get that's so crucial afterward? #security #what's 4 years to 6 thousand? #he barely had a moment to breathe before heaven was intruding into his safe home he made for himself AGAIN #what was he supposed to just automatically heal? was he supposed to just not go through the withdrawl of #leaving the group that had convinced him that he was only safe and truly good with THEM? #i gotta retract my statement in the post to be fair - actually‚ we CAN blame heaven for the most part #they preyed on aziraphale's moment of vulnerability and he got sucked RIGHT back in. full relapse. #withdrawl from leaving a cult has been shown to be eerily similar to substance use withdrawl #''TELL ME YOU SAID NO... Aziraphale... We're better than that‚ YOU'RE better than THAT!'' #literally the exact words you say to someone who has just succumbed to a relapse bro. #aziraphale is regressing. gah. #i'll add more to the post tomorrow probably #inb4 someone goes ''noooo you're excusing aziraphale treating crowley like shit!!'' #dear god no i am not. i am EXPLAINING WHY he does it and why he has been conditioned to believe that that behavior is okay #i literally WANT crowley to be upset with him i made that so goddamn clear fkdkdjskfkskfk #alright night night i'll be back later #derpy speaks #not queued #might delete later

[gideonisms]

Noticing horrible tense mistakes in my old fics and bad wording choices and formatting fuck ups SO tempted to just spend the afternoon editing little errors from 2019 instead of either a) working on my new fics and short stories or b) studying like I'm supposed to be doing!

#also noticing some themes that correspond with my life in ways. #why did all my fic get depressing and about love as entrapment post 2020 #i mean i know why. #but watching myself shift from like. light funny stuff where if something was fucked up i just kind of didn't give it that much weight #to thinking things through more but in the process losing some of that joy #conflicting feelings on everything i've ever written #even the fluff from 2020/21 is like. well they're trapped together huh #it's a nicer trap but it's still like. they are choosing each other over options that maybe would be better for them #I didn't know how to write a sweet healthy relationship not that that's par for the course for any fandom i've ever been in but like #i'm going to be real folks are not healing from the trauma of canon in my fics even when it kind of seems like they're trying #which is something i didn't realize as i was writing them #anyway that's not what i'm editing out people can have good relationships irl. but the tense errors my god

[nsewell]

if atton and elzar met there would be a cataclysmic event that would end with them both slutting it up on nar shaddaa. quite possibly with each other 

#stellan and bastila meet: peace and love and healing over mutual trauma #atton and elzar meet: we can make each other worse

[mar64ds]

I feel like most undertale main characters have gone through so much trauma related to their families that seeing sans and papyrus be a happy family might make them emotional but ultimately share that happiness with them. I think their brotherly love is so essential to this friend group, even if it's just by telling puns

#this does not get explored enough. like the only character i think doesn't have family related trauma is alphys #everyone else it seems like something bad has happened in their families at some point #undyne? yeah i think she likely lost her parents at a young age #and even sans and papyrus have their own family related trauma too because they lost their dad #but they have each other and they can be happy #and everyone can heal and be happy too #deltaruneundertale