#theres absolutely nothing and i will Never work in fast food im sorry

[silenthorror]

#looking for jobs suck so much #theres absolutely nothing and i will Never work in fast food im sorry #own text

[vintagesewingmachine]

Nessian Fic- Part 2/2

Part two, as I promised. @aelinashgalathynius  @highlady-kat @illyrianbastards  @wearestarseternal

Days had passed since That Night of Extreme Awkwardness. Nesta had done laundry, quietly returned Cassian’s shirt (which he had the decency to never mention again), and had semi-avoided Cassian. Her desire to be around him battled with the awkwardness and confusion of her feelings. Today, she had decided to go with Cassian to train. 

    Nesta huffed as she pulled on her Illyrian fighting leathers. She buckled the straps and belts and collected the weapons Cassian had given her to put in their sheaths. She had already eaten breakfast with her bestie, which was full of smiles and laughter and easy companionship.

    Yeah right. 

    No, her breakfast with Cassian had been tense and awkward and full of internal cringing on what she was sure was both sides. Just like most of their interactions these days. 

Fan-freaking-tastic. 

    At least she was pretty sure he didn’t completely hate her. Yeah, she was pretty sure. She thought. Sighing, she finished with getting her gear on and jogged down the stairs. Cassian was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for her. She slowed to a walk. Nesta noticed that he was watching her hips as she stalked towards him. 

     The corner of her mouth pulled up into a little smirk. When he saw this smirk, his brows bunched together and he said gruffly, “Let’s go.”  

    He turned towards the door and she scowled at his back. 

*****

Cassian looked at the sun. It was a little past dawn. They weren’t going to be very late. But Nesta didn’t know that. He cast a sly glance at her and saw a scowl. It made him smirk. He had noticed she had noticed him noticing her. Nesta... Had been different. More like the Nesta he had know before the war, but still a bit different. Or maybe he was just seeing her more clearly. But either way, the feelings he had worked so hard to beat down were growing like Cauldron-cursed weeds. 

“We are going to be late,” he announced. 

Nesta looked at him, mildly surprised. “Are you sure?”

He nodded confidently. “We should fly.”

     She narrowed her eyes at him, but approached, albeit warily. He forbade his eyes from travelling up her leather-clad body. It was hard.  Especially when he suspected she was purposely swaying her hips. Wanting to end this slow torture, he stepped forward and scooped her up, bridal style. 

“Hold on,” was his warning before taking off into the sky.

*****

Nesta was pretty sure that they weren’t late. But she wasn’t going to be the one to call him out on his crap and miss the opportunity to fly. Being held by Cassian aside, she wanted wings to fly. She felt so free in the air, and her problems seemed as small and insignificant as an ants’ when she glimpsed just how big the world really was. Every time she flew it sent a thrill like no other through her. Again, being held by Cassian had nothing to do with her love of flying. 

That was a completely different thrill. 

     She instinctively tightened her grip on him when he took off, great wings thundering in her ears and vibrating through her body. His body was warm and solid, and his scent... It made her feel more alive than ever. That near-constant pull in her abdomen intensified, as if tugging her even closer to him. She tried to ignore it by watching the ground grow smaller and smaller. It was vertigo-inducing. And distracting enough from the large male currently holding her. 

Thud. She thought about how magnificent his wings were. 

Thud. She thought about how many times he’d almost lost them. 

Thud. She looked up at the face she had unknowingly memorized.

Thud. She thought about the smaller thuds inside their chests, and how they seemed to be in sync.

Thud. She grabbed his head and kissed him. 

*****

One minute he was flying semi-normally, distantly noticing Nesta looking at him strangely. 

The next, his head was wrenched to the side and soft, warm lips were being pressed against his. His senses were overwhelmed with Nesta.  His wings faltered and they jolted to the right, dropping abruptly as he jerked his head back to stare at her, utterly shocked. 

“What the hell?!” Cassian shouted. He desperately flapped his wings, trying to level out, but his mind was whirling and Nesta was frozen in mortification so it wasn’t working very well. You can imagine. Because Nesta fucking Archeron had just kissed him. 

What the hell?!

    He couldnt concentrate on flying, not with the way Nesta was staring at him. Her face was turning cherry red and her eyes were wide and filled with such conflicting emotions he couldn’t think straight. 

 Or fly straight. (cough unfortunately for some males he settled for being straight cough)

And right now he regretted being straight in the first place.

     They were losing altitude. Fast. And somehow his wings were out of sync and basically everything was a tangled mess both mentally and physically because odds were with the ground approaching like that and his wings screwy they were going to die. Nesta dug her nails into his flesh and that certainly didn't help anything. And of course because the universe hated them a strong gust of wind came out of literally no where to spin him around until they were legit tumbling out of the sky. 

How to describe this moment? Delightful? Lovely?

Not even remotely, sorry. It was absolutely terrifying.

Fan-freaking-tastic. 

    Cassian yelled in pain as his wing twisted and Nesta’s nails drew blood from his neck. His wings strained to right them, but it was too late. They crashed through the branches, and searing pain followed the sharp ends of the sticks. It wasn't until now he remembered that he had siphons. For Cauldron’s sake he had siphons. What an idiot. 

     A shield of red flared around them and their fall came to an abrupt end as they hit the ground. He couldn't feel any major injuries, on him or Nesta thanks to his last second remembering. 

     Cauldron he was an idiot. 

    That was his last thought before he rolled over and kissed Nesta. 

*****

Adrenaline from the terrifying fall coursed through her veins, and it felt like she was burning as Cassian rolled over top of her and kissed her. He supported his weight on a hand planted beside her head. She wrapped her arms around his neck once again and pulled herself up closer to him. Nesta had never felt this before. Her experiences with those nameless males had been sloppy and unsatisfying. 

     This was full of heat and fire, a passion that burned away all of those times with those other males. 

    Her heart hammered in her chest, and everything - her mind, her hair, her leathers- was a mess from the fall and now the exhilaration of the fact that Cassian was kissing her. Her original mortification at his initial rejection was forgotten, and all that mattered was that he was here. With her. Wild, untamed emotions consumed her until she no longer felt like Nesta Archeron, but felt more like herself than ever before. She felt complete. In a way that she had never thought she could feel. It was as if her entire existence had been building up to this moment.

    The thought was too much. 

    She burst into hysterical laughter, forcing her to break of the kiss. Cassian looked down at her for a moment before also breaking into laughter. He collapsed beside her and laughed with her. His large, rough hand grabbed hers and together they lie on the forest floor where they had landed, and laughed. Laughed for the first time in months. Longer for Nesta. They laughed and laughed and laughed until their stomachs ached and tears streamed down their faces.   

*****

They laid there for hours. Staring at the sky, holding hands and talking. Nesta quietly struggled to put into words her feelings since the war, to get Cassian to understand. Once she had started crying, Cassian had tenderly kissed her, and murmured that he did. He understood. That, as you may guess, had made her cry harder. 

     Now, Cassian paused their lazy kisses and just stared down at her, eyes full of emotion. 

     “What is it?” Nesta asked softly. 

     “Nesta.” His voice was choked. “I love you.”

     She scrunched her forehead. “I know.” 

     “Do you...” He hesitated. “Do you love me too?”

     She blinked. All of this, and he still wasn't sure? How stupid could he be? She frowned. “Of course I love you, you brute.” At least, thats the only answer she could come up with for how she felt. And it felt right as she said it. A relief to say it out loud. 

     Happiness filled his hazel eyes before it was tempered by uncertainty. “Nesta...”

    Tired of his avoidance of whatever he clearly wanted to say, she snapped, “What? What are you trying to say?”

   “We are mates.”

    The world slowed. Everything seemed to hold its breath. She was shocked. But was she really? Come on. Looking back on everything, Nesta realized it was so obvious. She felt like a fool for not seeing it sooner. Unable to express herself with words, she pulled him down for another kiss. Then she said against his lips, “Let’s go home.”

*****

And I’ll leave what happens at home after she gives him food to your own imagination, because theres no way in hell I’m going to write smut. But I hope that was a satisfying ending. I certainly liked it. Thanks for reading :)

also if you want more fics for other ships, you can ask me. Im down for suggestions

Smiles, Holly ;)

#nessian #acotar #acofas #cassian #nesta archeron #fanfiction #illyrians #part two

[svt-stories]

I think the world would be blessed if we had Mingyu CEO! smut. So could I request one...?

I haven’t written in ages and also my sister is hella into Mingyu so i don’t see him in any type of attraction way but this seemed fun. this ended up kinda long or at least it seems like it so I hope you enjoy.

edit: Im shitty, i started this weeks ago when i said were coming back so the tone might switch halfway bc I was in a different mind of writing

theres no smut in this part, hopefully in a part two but i wrote this so long ago

Your head throbbed, smell of printer ink and stale coffee wafted through the unmoving office air. For a company that was focused on innovation, you would assume that it could handle the damn CEO coming for a check in. You started at 7TEEN industries five months back and those months had been filled with the best job you had ever had. You have motivation, talent at your job and a happy environment. 

Considering the past months, it wasn’t wrong to think the vibe would remain the same but man, were you wrong. The first hint of an issue happened last week during your daily lunch with Seungkwan, the floor secretary, and DK, 7TEEN’s intern. Never once in the five months have you seen them apart. Coming along for that day was Soonyoung, floor manager.

Seungkwan sipped on his berry blaster smoothie, eager for the rest of you to sit down with your food to spit the latest office gossip. “You guys won’t believe wants happening.” He announced, practically bouncing in his seat. You roll your eyes, as this sentence was a daily occurrence. 

“What is it this time.” You take a bite of your meal. 

“The CEO is making a visit next week.” Seungkwan leans in, whispering.

Soonyoung chokes on his food following the information. “THE CEO?”

Dk laughs “Who else. The hunky, tall, rich, handsome, dash-”

“Enough” You cut DK off, not seeing an end to his sentence in sight. Dk pouts, returning his attention to his food. “So? What about him.”

Seungkwan bounces with excitement due to your ‘interest’ “CEO Mingyu is a known playboy, every time he visits he sleeps with someone, not to mention fires someone.”

“It’s even been the same person before.” Soonyoung adds with food in his mouth. 

“Try not to make eye contact, we need you to stay around.” Dk jokes, or at least you thought it was.

A week later brings you to now, trying to block out the murmurs and excitement to actually get some work down. It managed to work until you heard multiple coughs trying to get your attention. “Y/N” Your boss said, voice stern. You look up from your papers to see a familiar face, and a not so familiar one. 

“Good Afternoon Mr. Choi, how can I help you?” You put on your best “business” voice. 

“I wanted to introduce you to Mr. Kim Mingyu, the CEO of our company.” You look over to Mr. Kim, who had an intimidating smirk across his face. ‘They’re our best employee, only started here a few months back.”

“No wonder I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you.” Mr. Kim greets, a faint lisp in his words. He sticks his hand out firmly, and you do the same, shaking his warm, slightly calloused hand. 

“Nice to meet you, Sir.” 

“Please, call me Mr. Kim.” He smiles, eyes scrunching. After a few moments your boss leads him away, and you return to your work. 

A few hours later, Seungkwan is popping by your desk. “Y/N” He sings, drawing out each syllable. 

“Hmm?”

“Mr. Kim, would like to speak with you.” The giggles in his voice was hard to hide. 

You swallow thickly. “And how do you know I’m not getting fired?”

“With that body? Highly doubt it.” Seungkwan laughs harder. “Tic toc, better get going.” You drop your head on your desk.

“I cannot deal with this right now.” You mumble to yourself before getting the courage to push away from your desk and walk with shaky legs to the elevator. 

“Be back for lunch!” Dk shouts from behind you, amusement clear in his tone. 

The climb of the elevator took a toll on your state of mind, would it really be bad to fuck the CEO? But then again, how cliche would that be. A loud ding shook you out of your thoughts. As the door opened, it showed a hallway leading to his office, The only thing in the path being Mr. Kim’s secretary. She shot you a knowing, secretive glance. You swallow down the thick pool of saliva in your mouth, with a bit of your pride, before knocking on his door. 

“Come in.” his voice answered the knock. 

“You asked to see me?” You smile at the CEO. He faced away from you, appearing lost in thought, but soon turned around. 

“Yes, I did, I was just looking through the monthly reports and stumbled across some interesting information.” He began.

this was it, you thought, he found that my sales were bad, and I’m going to have to fuck my way out of it to keep my job. You sigh, slightly too audible. 

“Nothing bad.” He chuckles, able to read half of your thoughts from your expression. “The opposite to be exact, you have topped your previous sales each month, the best in the district. You even managed to have our competitor’s biggest buyer switch to us!” His mouth hung open slightly with a smirk on his face, as if he was in awe. “It’s absolutely incredible, how did you manage?” It took a few beats of silence before you realized you had to answer.

“I uh, talk them through the pros and cons of working with us versus other companies. The key factor is making them believe they made the decision to buy, rather that me ‘begging’ them to.” You explain. Mr. Kim nods along. “So by doing those simple tasks 8 times out of 10, they are sure to buy, even a tiny amount.” You finish, shifting your weight awkwardly from foot to foot. 

“Interesting, I’ll be sure to share that in this weeks email, we need the whole team pulling as much weight as you.” You smiles warmly, walking around to the front of his glass desk and leaning on it. “That’s all I wanted to ask, you can return to work.”

“That’s all?” Mr. Kim’s eyebrow shot up. 

“Were you expecting more?” The subtly smirk returns to his lips as he begins to roll the cuffs of his shirt past his elbow. You couldn’t help that your eyes followed the movement. 

“No, thank you for noticing my work si- Mr. Kim, have a good afternoon.” You were about to turn away, until you noticed him striding towards you.

“I’m assuming you’ve heard the rumors then.” His height became painfully obvious when he stood right at your feet, face inches from your own. “I can’t say I’d be disappointed if that’s where you wanted this meeting to go.” He placed one hand against the wall behind your head, halfway caging you in. “Don’t think this involves your job though, just two, consenting adults, looking to have some fun at work.” 

Honestly, you were speechless, unsure what to do. “Sorry, I promised to be somewhere for lunch.” You manage to mumble out before turning on your heels and out the door. The hallway felt longer than before as you speed walked back to the elevator. 

When you reached your desk again, the boys looked shocked to see you. “What are you doing here?” They all said.

“You said to be back for lunch.” You huffed, taking a seat at your desk. 

Weeks went by, and everyday you couldn’t think about anything other than Mr. Kim. You had learned his name was Mingyu, that he worked hard from a young age to get to where he was. That when he was younger, being a famous singer/rapper was one of his dreams. That he has a lisp, that he loves to cook. All around, everything seemed perfect surrounding Kim Mingyu, and it made your heart ache. Especially seeing him helping around with projects, carrying heavy loads of paperwork that made his muscles bulge. Whether it was infatuation or sexual frustration, you needing it out of your system, now. 

“I’m going to miss lunch.” You grumbled to the guys before stand up and heading towards the elevator. Now or never chanted over and over in your head. The elevator climbed slowly yet too fast at the same time. Your motivation remained

-june

HEY GUYS I KINDA WANT TO COME BACK AND WRITE BUT IDK HOW OFTEN I WILL BE ABLE TO BUT I WANT TO TRY BECAUSE I MISS THE LITTLE COMMUNITY WE HAVE. I WROTE THIS MONTHS AGO SO ILL TRY TO FINISH IT LATER WITH THE SMUT THANK YOU

#Anonymous #seveteen scenarios #seventeen #seventeen stories #june #mingyu #kim mingyu

[strawberryspeachy]

Also im sick of obnoxious japanese eaters

Things ive found out are myths here

1) everyones nice.

No. Everyone smiles hard to cover up whatever assholery theyre doing - if theyre supposed to be nice to you. Public people are the same as usual... except theres alot more shoving

2) everything about school

They don’t pay for school. Its free. Just like ours. Except private school. Just like ours

They are not MORE overworked in school nor do they study more. Their rules are much loser. And just like the states, teachers have no real authority- but unlike the states - the students do not fear repercussions. They can be touched though but thats more because japanese people think its fine to touch each other a lot - ya know. Just dont hug as an adult - but all other invading of some kind of private bubble is fine

3) SLURPING No thats not just a “it shows you love the food!” Bs. Just like the states, the people you hear disgustingly slurping just eat loud and are gross... imo... people here dont seem to think its gross but far more people eat like civilized humans and dont slurp everything from solids to actual liquids.

K like every time the past two days ive had to be near people slurping their fucking food and as a person who HATES hearing people eat... its why im bitching here. LETTUCE DOES NOT NEED SLURPED

4) just anything they call “culture” they used a pretty word to cover for “thats just the dumb thing we do here” its literally like if we said aggressively speed driving and cutting people off is new yorkers culture

Japan has a lot of history and traditions. But mostly they have a lot of bs that theyre just too stubborn to acknowledge and change so they lable it culture. Any changes they make are pretty much like when my great grandmother got a cell phone.

She only turned it on to charge it and make a phone call - leave a voicemail saying that she called - and then would turn it back off. It wasnt ever even on long enough for her to need to charge it.

But in her mind no one could complain that she didnt have one. And the only emergency in her mind was her needing to call you - not vice versa. She wouldnt use it for any other purpose and generally resented its existence. She hated watching anyone else use their cell phones to check the time or take pictures or play games or have lenthy conversations.

Yea. Thats basiclly japan with everything new. They have it. But they dont use it , and its possibilities scare them so the old ppl say its not allowed to be used unless the old people need to use it

Sorry man i hate everywhere i am. My aparment is next to a bar that looks permanently closed during the day. I had no clue it was there till after i moved in and the loud karaoke blared into my window every damn night

My train line is a nightmare and if you wanna see the worst japanese people can be. Ride the train during rush hours

My post office is far away and they refuse to ring my doorbell when i have a delivery and instead just leave slip - if you dont hike over in their made up time period they throw your stuff away

No one will actually help you with serious stuff. They just smile and say sorry and run away — customer service. Yea. Not customer service. They could just as easily be a manican with a smiley face - itd serve the same purpose.

Theres too much paperwork constantly all the time about everything

Nothing is online

Another thing that prompted me for this “this is japanese chocolate”

Cool. I got that its japanese. Im in japan. Everything people point out for me “its japanese____” fucking imagine if we felt the need to point out every damn item as “american” in the states. Why? What is the meaning of this?

They gave me a table to sit at at this school. A table. That they make lunch on and put all their supplies on. A dude just kicked my chair as he came over for some shit. Why am i sitting at a table? Very very few japanese people ive worked with dont make me feel like an adopted pet dog that theyre not sure if itll bite. Dog. Not new person. They literlly have the children fetch me...

And ive grown so so very tired of being asked questions with the intention of having me overhype japan while maintaining that im so stupid that i know absolutely nothing about the country

98% of japanese people assume that you think of japan like youve never even heard of their country before arriving and that you just arrived two days ago

Also. Maybe they think their test scores and clases are so much more difficult because they cant seem to fathom that most other countries schools function the same way as theirs

Yesterday a teacher said “ah theyre so overworked. They have alot to remember” i thought she was about to tell me how many units were on their exam or something... no “english, japanese, science, math, history, pe, food class, art! Too many things. Theyre very overworked”

..... are you for real? Im pretty sure every fucking school has those subjects if you switch out japanese for the countries native language.... this is NORMAL

Im sorry. I know the reason anyone talking to me like this might not like me. Cause im not gonna go WOWWW SUGEII?!?!? So much stuff!! Poor them!

No. Yeah? Thats school...

Look im not an asshole to my kids. If they can manage to tell me any information about their life in english or simple japanese i can translate - i act surprised/ or am if their english is super good.

But adults... no man. Learn some stuff about the outside world. Youre not specifical

Also dating boys here is just like back home except they wont block you and they respond less

Instead of getting “nice” “oh” “idk” and “maybe” as there fading messages - they just leave you on read. Or give you some random information that you didnt ask about that has no relevance to the ‘convo’

Also also. “Speak slow” they dont say this in a ‘my english is not good so speak slower’ way. They say this in a ‘i felt really good about my english until you spoke at a normal pace and my classes and ass-kissing white dudes have taught me that enlgish is spoken slow and percisely so if you dont speak with a japanese accent, your fast english is wrong’

Whatever but like... could you return the favor by speaking japanese slowly. Speak it the way you want me to speak english....

Telling them to speak slow results in something like

... nihon..de〜 nan mabdnshsnabsjsnjsbshssnbsjsbsjshsh ka?

Woah ok... something in Japan... couldnt catch the rest of that

Id be more understanding of this. Its hard to speak slow. Lets both acknowledge this and not - teachers compalining to principals and boys... (1) sending me a fucking video on how to speak my own damn language properly

Also. Do you know how upsetting it is to listen to a student say something perfectly but before i get to praise them - have the japanese teacher jump in and “correct” them...... no no dude please. I know youll have a fucking meltdown if i say no your ways wrong. But now this student is so confused desperately staring at me positive theyre correct and all ive come up with to do is smiling and nodding at them while repeating the way they said hoping the japanese teacher wont notice/get offended

Also togo food... if its not american fast food... generally you cant take it to go... its sad. I have no friends. I just wanna take this home to eat in front of my tv. This isnt serious. Its just a minior inconvenience

Also joking... my japanese isnt good enough to joke. And... idk how... cant explain. The other day a student asked whats my favorite food

And another went hamburger?!? Mcdonalds!!?

I wanted to comment.. but. At least elementary students understand sarcasm. Their teachers dont. And whether the middle schoolers understand and just dont care is up in the air.

Oh! And. I was right last week when i didnt trust my teachers saying that the obvious bullying was just a misunderstanding and the obvious targets fault. Another straight up teacher said some kids have left the school because of bullying and theyre really awful when left alone in the rooms... i told him thats why we cant go unsupervised in america. Japan says the students are just perfect upstanding citizens, so much more caring and mature than other students. Nope. Middle schoolers will be middle schoolers no matter what country.

[unicornninjabitch]

You: no one asked for another one of these

Me: yeah i know sorry i just have a lot of emotions and shit lately

(Haha thats a lie all i feel lately is annoyed and pain)

Anyway yes I’m going to complain more about life cause i have some emotions i need to get out and shit. Okay I’m very much a night owl, I have been my whole life, I work better t night and just love the night sky and shit. However 8th grade I was really, super, hella depressed cause of family stuff and school and being totally alone and you know the depression (thanks genes!), so I’d be absolutely TERRIFIED to be left alone with my thoughts. I’d stay up all night on youtube or some cringey website or on tumblr just so I didn’t have to lay in bed and think. Also very closeted, very depressed baby Alex had no idea wtf a healthy coping mechanism was, so I cut and it was bad like an every night thing cause after I did I was suddenly really tired and could almost sleep instantly once it hit like 2-3 am. Anyway I fucked my sleeping schedule up at a very young age, so that habit never left and the earliest I go to bed anymore is 12-12:30, whatever im used to it, not good for me but whatever. Then summer started and I didn’t sleep till like 1am-2am so I chalked it up to “it’s summer whatever”, but then it was 2 am-3am and I thought that was a one time thing, but nope. Now (as in the past week/week and a half ish) I’m lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep and even then I’m up at like 9 am. As you can imagine this has lead to a good amount of problems, but first one additional thing. Now it’s just me and my mom at our house, but because of hour cuts and paying for school and catching up on bills and other shit we don’t really have a ton of money which means we don’t have a ton of food which means what we have we have to make last. With that being said back track to me getting 2-3 hours of sleep, now my body’s tired and I’m exhausted I just wont go to fucking sleep, but I’m hungry as hell. We didn’t have cereal and milk for awhile, so that left me with pasta like I said I’m exhausted so pasta involves cooking, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d be too tired half way through the water boiling to finish let alone eat anything. Also cause we don’t have a ton of money I’d get 2 free meals a day in school so I wouldn’t go a whole day (or week) without eating real food (i mean it was gross government food but it got the job done), but in summer I didn’t get that so I just havent eaten really all summer like i could probably count on my hands how many actual meals ive eaten all summer. So the not eating mixed with the not sleepings fucking awful as you can imagine.I had a headache so bad I had to close my curtains put on sunglasses cover my head with a blanket and put my ice on my head in an attempt to help ease the pain, but WAIT THERES MORE. Every bone in my body constantly feels like it needs to crack and im just constantly really achey (idk if that has to do anything but it hurts like hell) Ive tried stretching and resting but it doesnt help, BUT THERES EVEN MORE!! The not eating!! I can feel my stomach being totally empty besides some water and that shit fucking hurts (idk how baby Alex did that shit) AND A FINAL THING your boy was born with god awful child bearing parts and guess what came up?! That’s right devil week so i feel like someones just stabbing me with a pitchfork while also trying to eject food thats not there. Therefore the past few nights Ive basically been clutching my stomach and head, the heating pad isnt helping, and pain killers arent helping much.

At this point youre probably like “dude just some nyquil” which yeah youre right i should but we didnt have extra money this week to buy any and we dont have any so thats why i didnt do that. Also like I said before I /am/ tired, im really fucking tired and i dont really have thoughts its more like fast and loud static and like energy i have to get out or i get uncomfortable, so the past few nights (last night was really bad) Im up clutching and rocking and snapping and tapping my feet just trying to get rid of that energy. It comes a little bit in the day i was talking to a friend and typing so fucking fast while also thinking about some oc idea and then BAM no energy at fucking all like i had to lay down. This also leads into ive been trying to read out loud to myself so i can try to get my voice lower cause my voice bothers the hell out of me, but i cant focus for longer than like 5 minutes cause of loud static and extra energy and being tired and my eyes being tired so its really frustrating.

The thing is i go to a psychiatrist for my meds and what she told me (idk if this is true everywhere or just how she is) that i had like textbook bipolar but becaue at the time i was ike 14/15 they didnt want to diagnose it cause i was still young. Bipolar runs in my family, just like depression and anxiety, so i wasnt super suprised by that and as i got older i got less scared (theres nothing scary about people with bipolar btw i just didnt know what to expect or think cause of how i saw it in like movies and stuff) i thought maybe i wasnt and i just had highs and lows like everyone else, but looking back i can see that the highs and lows were really extreme and like i said before i was super suicidal last year and just kinda gave up and earlier this summer it took a lot of energy to do anything, but this isnt like doing reckless things kinda high like it normally is and it fucking suck ass guys. On top of that my ever so supporting lately mother was like “look up manic episodes” so i told her i know what it is but she just pushed to look it up so i did and of course i made a joke about increased sexual activity (which my virgin is not) and looked like yes i know. (side note dw too much im going to the doctors tomorrow and im gonna see what i can do about my meds and stuff).

So yeah sorry for another shitty life update (not including tons of dysphoria, isolation, and more self hate but whatevs)

#personal #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #i also mention not eating but it wasnt/isnt like an ed #i dont think so anyway #its mostly me talking about my mental health and being in pain almost always #sorry for another one of these #honestly i might start posting one once a week to get some shit out

[thecruciblegavemeyou]

mint chocolate chip

i got bored and i liked this idea so i ran with it. longer than i intended.. could probably turn into something longer. eh (simons pov) 

ao3

simon has a very bad week, and baz makes the mistake of grabbing the last tub of simon’s favorite ice cream

words: 2.4 k

this was the last straw. the last, very short straw of a number of shitty straws i had received this week.

monday

agatha broke things off. for the last time, i think. "si, this just isn't working anymore. we've both known that for a long time. and, well... i think i'm asexual, i dont know. i have some stuff to figure out simon, and i think i have to do this alone."

i could still see her, standing in front of me in the living room. i had romantic candles lit all around the room. and i (penny) made a fancy dinner, that was laid out on the only tablecloth that penny and i owned that i had yet to stain.

she didnt cry, but i certainly did. it was humiliating. i thought we had finally been making it work this time, and i was even going to ask her to move in with me and penny. hence the fancy dinner.

so she left me there on the couch and i spent the rest of the night crying in the tub (with a bottle of red wine).

tuesday

then, because i stayed up all night crying (and very drunk), I missed the bus to class tuesday morning. which meant i had to walk 2 hours to school in the rain while hungover (in a torrential downpour) and i missed my class anyways.

i didnt even get to turn in my paper, because even my professor had left by then. it would have been the best paper i wrote all semester too; instead, i watched the grade be entered as a zero. i tried to email my professor, but i already knew it was hopeless because she was a bitch. and i always fell asleep in class, so i wasnt exactly her favorite student.

by the time penny came around to give me a lift home, i was soaked to bone. i knew something was wrong the moment i got in the car, but i didnt press her. normally penny greeted me with tea, a scone, and a perky hello, but she was as somber as the rain outside.

she didnt say anything for a long time. we were almost back to the flat when she turned the volume down on the radio and turned to me. "hey, simon, do you remember micah?" penny asked.

"what a bloody idiotic question penny, of course i remember your boyfriend. im hungover, not stupid." i snorted, grabbing my sopping wet bag from the back seat.

she killed the engine; she was watching me with that expression of pity, the one she wore every time agatha said she wanted to take a break. "he's moving to london." she mumbled.

"pen, that's great! now i won't have to listen to your skype dates and-"

"we signed the lease for an apartment today." she gulped.

my world was spinning. i stopped walking, "when, um... is he in town? you never mentioned... was this a split second decision? i..." i always knew that penny move move out someday. i thought it would be farther down the road. i'd need to find a new roommate, because there was no way i could continue to afford the apartment penny and i had by myself...

"when are you leaving?" i blurted out.

"i spent today packing. im almost ready to go. micah and i are going to finish packing and moving everything from my apartment to the new one tomorrow. do you want to help?"

"you mean... i only have one day to find a new roommate?" i couldn't help the anger boiling in my stomach. she gave me no warning whatsoever and the rent was due next friday. im not proud of what i did next, but theres no going back.

i stormed into my room and locked it behind me. i couldn't look at any of penny's packed boxes. i didn't even stop when micah called out a greeting. i was too upset, and i didnt really know the guy well enough to let him see me cry. the took turns trying to coax me out of my room throughout the night, penny even went out and bought me sour cherry scones from my favorite bakery across town. i didnt have any appetite.

wednesday

i got out of the house before they woke up. i had work, anyways. thankfully, it had stopped raining sometime last night. unfortunately, the puddles remained. a taxi flew around the curb with no warning and soaked my jeans and shoes (my good jeans).

"bloody fucking merlin and morgana-" i shouted, before the mother behind me hurriedly covered the ears of her toddler.

I made it to the starbucks where i worked, and took in the comforting smell of coffee and sugar and the faint smell of cleaner that was used to wipe down the counters each night. it was apparently the only dependable thing in my life right now.

"sorry im late, trixie, i had a bad morning-" I sighed, grabbing my apron off the back rack.

trixie (my boss) just waved me into her office, "simon?" she was sorting through piles of paperwork and notices, and it took her a moment before she realized i was already in her office.

"so, simon-"

"yeah?" i responded, more focused on trying to tie the apron behind my back. i had terrible hand-eye coordination as is, it didnt help when you took one factor out of the equation. I could smell coffee wafting in from the front, and i prayed trixie would be quick so i could go out and grab a cup for myself.

"we had to make some budget cuts this month, so we have to let some people go... im so sorry, simon. here's your last paycheck."

trixie held out a sad, slumped little slip of paper. i stared at her, barely registering her words. after an awkward minute of silence, i took the check and left the apron draped over the chair opposite her desk. i didnt make eye contact with my coworkers as i left and i prayed they hadnt been able to hear the entire conversation between me and trixie, if it could be called a conversation.

i knew they mustve heard, even if they didnt it wasnt hard to put two and two together.

i shoved the check into my (wet) jeans pocket and made my way towards the flat. halfway home, i turned into the bank and cashed the check, knowing there was no way i would remember to do it tomorrow.

this was turning out to be the worst week of my life.

when i got back to the flat, half the boxes, micah, and penny were nowhere to be found. i holed myself up in my room again, this time having the foresight to take some food back into my room with me. i blasted my music, and kept the door locked again. the lock wouldnt actually keep penny out (there was a key for every room in the house) but if it was locked she wouldnt bother trying to intrude on my sob fest.

thursday

when i woke up, the house was empty. i made my way into the bathroom to freshen up and tried to ignore how quiet the flat was now. penny had even taken a lot of the photos and such with her, but she left most of the furniture (out of pity, i think). her and micah would get to buy all new furniture, together.

on the kitchen counter was a note, a key, and an address. her new apartment was within walking distance still (ten minutes or so). i imagined they were still settling in, and i still had nothing to say to her (i wasn't mad, i was just... not ready). anyways, i needed to start searching for a new roommate.

i went and grabbed my laptop, and settled in on the couch. i ignored the notifications reminding me to study or finish this project or that, and delved into my search. i didnt have class until later tonight, and i didnt have a job to get to either, so i had most of the day free.

i needed to search for a new job, too. there was no way i could afford rent if i didnt have a job, let alone a roommate to split the bill.

i had no idea where to start. i didn't really want to live with a stranger, but i absolutely didnt want to lose this apartment either. it was so close to campus, and i liked being near all the other students. it was ina great part of town, and almost everything i needed was within walking distance. maybe i could ask a classmate if they wanted to move in? it seems a bit short notice, and i imagine that by the end of the first semester everyone already has a place to live anyways.

i was screwed.

i grabbed some take out on my way back home, alone, and spent the rest of the night procrastinating homework and responsibilities. this is why i needed penny.

friday

it was obvious friday was following the same downward spiral when i woke up to a text from agatha, asking if she could come by to talk. she wanted to stay friends and she thought she left a jumper at my place.

i almost fell off the couch at four o'clock, when agatha let herself in to find me in my boxers on the couch.

"oh, hi, simon. didnt you hear me knocking?" she asked, hanging up her jacket and unraveling a scarf from her neck. i could smell her from here. that perfume would haunt me forever. i never really liked that scent. i'd have to light a candle after she leaves.

"no..." i mumbled, trying to be discreet as as tried to get my pants back on as fast as possible. agatha headed straight for my room to look for her jumper. she had no qualms, did she?

"simon, where did everything go? why is the flat so empty?" agatha asked, drawing back the curtains to let some sunlight into my cave. didn't she think this was awkward? why was she acting so normal?

i cleared my throat, "uh, penny moved out. she got an apartment with micah a few blocks down. she sprung it on me this tuesday." i covered the emotion in my voice.

"oh, well, thats great for penny and micah." she hummed and finally found her jumper, which had wound up in my laundry.

she started for the door. i refrained from going after her. i wasnt going to chase her and beg her to come back, not this time. even agatha seemed surprised. she stopped at the door, almost as if to tell my this was my last chance to chase her down and beg for her forgiveness.

i didnt move.

"it was good to see you, simon." she smiled and twisted the door knob, "coffee sometime, okay?"

"no, thank you, though." i said. i didnt miss the flash of surprise in her eyes as she shut the door behind her. i cranked the volume back up, and cried in tune with adele.

come dinner time, i made my way into the kitchen to try and find something to eat.

the fridge and cabinets were empty. all that was left was a jar of curry, a bag of peanuts, and expired milk. i let out a moan. penny always did the shopping.

i peeked at the clock. it was already nine. but i was starving, and i wanted ice cream. i deserved ice cream, after this shitty week. and maybe some alcohol. any type of alcohol.

i tugged on my old Watford sweatshirt and a pair of grey sweats, and dug through piles of crap until i found my wallet.

the store was half empty, and there was only one cashier open still, slowly checking out one old lady who couldnt seem to remember what she was doing. i made my way towards the milk and ice cream first.

i grabbed a smaller milk, because there was no way i would finish a whole one without penny, and it didnt look like id be getting a new roommate yet.

i stopped. there was another boy by the ice cream, grabbing the last tub of mint chocolate chip.

i lost it.

"no, no, no! merlin, no, you dont get to have the last of the mint chocolate chip!" i exclaimed and the guy jumped, spinning on his heel to face me. why was he in jeans, it was nine thirty already? who wears such nice jeans out to the grocery store.

"excuse me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"if you dont mind, id like that tub of ice cream. i deserve it. i had the fucking worst week of my life. and all i want is to go home, eat some goddamn mint chocolate chip ice cream, get drunk, and pretend im not doing it alone." i shouted. he stared for a minute, before he broke out in laughter.

my face went red, but i didnt back down. i wasnt letting him take that ice cream away from me, i didnt care how gorgeous he was.

"i dont want to be alone, either." he smirked. "but you cant finish this whole tub by yourself."

"then come help me." i teased. i couldnt help it. that smirk was infectious. and he had pretty eyes.

"fine. but youre buying the alcohol." he said, pointing towards the next aisle. he followed me into the next aisle over, and we picked out various bottles of various alcohols.

he didnt make me pay. in fact, he paid for my milk too. and then i let him follow me back to my flat.

"im baz." he said, holding out a slender hand.

"simon."

i dont remember how we got there, but i didnt mind when i woke up on top of baz, stretched out on my couch, with him in a pair of my sweats (those bloody jeans may have been hot but i knew they werent comfortable). i didnt even mind the hangover i could feel coming, or the messy, empty tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream on my coffee table.

not when baz was kissing me, mumbling “good morning, darling,” in my ear.

#whoa #way longer than i intended #fluff? #not angst #poor simon #im too mean to him #oh well #happy ending #snowbaz #snowbaz fic #snowbaz fanfic #snowbaz fanfiction #carry on #carry on fandom #carry on fic #carry on fanfic #carry on fanfiction #cruciblefics #simon x baz #simon snow #baz pitch #penny bunce #agatha wellbelove #trixie the pixie

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard. 

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years. 

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level. 

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him. 

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work. 

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet. 

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now. 

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here. 

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called  me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.” 

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles. 

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive. 

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do. 

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card. 

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here. 

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’. 

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit. 

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

. 

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs). 

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs. 

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort. 

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life? 

like how my doctor thinks of you right now? 

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now. 

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work. 

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this -  its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music. 

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back. 

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying.  so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable. 

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort. 

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”. 

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated. 

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend. 

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont. 

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week. 

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes. 

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic. 

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed. 

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING 

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”. 

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression. 

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother. 

[strawberryspeachy]

So far on the boys ive talked to in japan - aside that teacher

1) around september i decided to look at whose on tinder. One boy i matched with talked to me and didn’t stop responding upon finding out i was not japanese. He helped me with a couple japanese phrases - telling me what sounded most natural. Asked me if i lived alone. Said he wanted to meet me.... asked if i was free that week. I said yes. I gave him a couple days that i was off. He never responded again - that was about 5-6~ days into talking

2) october i went to a club... after a disappointing night i talked to the cute ... not bar person but like he was on the floor. I thought he’d walk away but he got all happy and kept moving close to me to talk. It being too loud combined with my poor japanese and his no english meant we used google translate to talk mostly. Added each other on instagram and he said he’d like to hang out sometime. I asked about a few days and he pulled out his calendar and both were days he worked- he had two jobs. He said we’ll figure out a time later. We had some conversations on instagram. Then after a couple weeks his stories always showed him with friends. I asked him a couple times when he was free and he said he was working all the time. After another weekish of that i said it seemed that he had time to see his friends but not me. And he basically just said yep

3) december i got back on tinder. But for real. Not just a qick swipe through. Talked to the next guy with a bunch of other dudes. Was just talking. Trying to improve my english. Hoping someone would ask me to go eat with them since that is what id written on my profile. This boy asked me to hang out. We’d talked more and more over the two weeks and he said he really wanted to see me. But he couldnt cause he was working too much. Then he told me when he has a break. I had the flu at the same time and told him id tell him when i was better and he got sweeter and sweeter toward me. Then we talked on the phone and it was awkward and difficult cause my japanese not being great is even worse when i cant gesture. But it went well. Then. Suddenly. Over text the tinder boy - lets have sex! - bs came up. I said i didnt want to the first time we meet and i wanna just talk. He asked a couple more times about it and then agreed. The day before we talked on the phone again - he suddenly said he had to take another call and hung up and then didnt say anything else the rest of the night. I freaked out a bit that night thinking hed stopped talking to me. But the next morning he messaged me like nothing happened. Didnt even want to acknowledge my freak out aside from telling me not to think so much.

We met up. He took me to a shrine. We got fortunes and ties them to a tree... then he took me to his apartment... fast... he said he wanted to watch movies together.... bought... chocolate. I mean great but i wanted real food i was hungry. Then. He kept trying to have sex with me. So many times just pushed and pushed. Would not take no for an answer. Finally when... he was trying to take off more of my clothes and i wouldnt let him and said no again. He asked if i had my period. And only stopped after i said i did. Kept trying to pursuade me to give him a blowjob.

Before that... he asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was moving soon and asked me to move in with him. Told me hed be workig two jobs for the rest of january so we couldnt meet again till February...

Anyhow after i kept saying no to a blow job and other stuff happened i asked him if we could go get food. He said he didnt have money and cooked bad ramen on the stove and french fries... he drank a bunch of alcoholic. We watched some music videos and he went to sleep.

When he kinda seemed to wake up i tried to make a point of me leaving. He just acted kinda annoyed that he had to even still deal with me being there at that point and ignored me while trying to sleep... he ghosted me right in front of me

He replied to my text the next day with some nonsense and about a week later he told me about his apartment plans. He sent one last text about it before... never responding again

I let it be for the next four weeks... till the days he was supposededly done working two jobs and couls see me again. Hed made story postings during this time

But yea. Never replied to me again

4) some boy who wanted to get better at english cause hes moving to the us. We talked on the phone a couple times near christmas. He complained about not having a gf and said he wanted to hang out. But the times i asked he was “busy”. We hung out once... played darts. He said he didnt want to drink cause he drank the night before and he ate before meeting me so left early.... said next time. There was never a next time.

5) some guy i talked to a bit. He asked to meet up. I agreed. Took a whole for us to find each other cause he kept...... hanging up the phone on me.... he didnt look like his pic and he dressed weird. He basically hailed me over when he found me and then walked fast so that i basically had to chase him around. He was one of those dudes that walks with his hands out like people are supposed to move for him. After about 20 minutes of that he told me to wait while he pretended to get a call and then told me his dog is sick and he needed to leave to take her to the hospital. He said well meet again. Never saw him again not that i wanted too.

6) talked to another boy for a couple weeks. Just about fun stuff it was good conversation. We talked about music and movies and murder mystery parties. About our days and just generally the kind of good conversation you have with friends. Around the third week we talked about meeting... but. Then. Tinderboy - i wanna have sex! Came into the convo... i told him i had my period and asked if we could go out to drink instead. He said lets drink before we do next week. Whatever. Next week comes around. Same good conversation everyday. The day of comes and he responded to me in the morning reconfirming the time and place and stuff. Once the time to meet rolled around. No response. I called him a couple times more so to bitch him out. He blocked me.

7) some other dude. We talked a bit. He asked me to go out to eat. Post poned 3 times that night cause he was working later than he was supposed to. I was so hungry. No he didn’t wanna go out to eat. Bought me some convience store food and barely let me finish eating before hooking up... he said thanks to my happy birthday message. But otherwise we havent talked again. Even though hes a ten minute walk away.

8) then of course theres the absolutely adorable boy who took me out on the date of my dreams.... until he silently walked me the train station. Said bye. And now has slowly ghosted me all week. He just unmatched me on tinder after i asked about it so. Guess he’s gone. Which has me feeling fucking terrible.

9) talked to a guy a couple days ago. He asked if i wanted to hook up. I basically agreed. I WANTED HUMAN CONTACT ON VALENTINES DAY. He told me beforehand he was only free for a couple hours. Asked if i wanted him to pick me up the night before buttttt i got my hair treated and shouldnt sweat so i said it was too late and i needed to sleep. He met me. Late. At the station and walked me back yo his apartment after i was done work. One of my students saw me with him... embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hes the oldest guy ive ever... anything. Though still just 29. It would have been a good conversation if... i didnt know he asked me to come have sex and then never made a move. An hour and a half in he suddenly went

Oh its the time! Sorry go. I should have agreed to his request for yesteday instead of insisting on friday.

Ive been freaking out about 8 and i messaged him asking if he lost interest in me. He never responded to my message asking if he wanted to hookup yesterday. He didnt respond for 20 minutes and then i said either say yes or no so im not waiting. And he almost immediately responded with no. So. Idk.

10) talked to some dude from hong kong yesteday. He messaged me first saying he doesnt like japan and just came for the food. Ive been crying all day and basically hust bitched about japan to him. Apparently he doesnt actually dislike japan... he just doesnt like the bidets.... and i told him my home life sucks so im here but here sucks too so wtf. Ya know. Things that are totally attractive go someone you started talking to a half an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk about food. Im good at food talk ok. Then asked if i wantrd to meet up and look for cake with him. Sure. Shinjuku. The same placd i met 5 and 3. Thought id break the- everytime i come to this city im depressed. Cause before them the last time i went to shinjuku in the summer. I couldnt find the clothes shops i was looking for. There were couples all around me. And it was the first day in japan i felt so utterly and truely miserable and alone and like nothing in my life was better. I was still hoping at that point that the teacher i worked with would go with me and show me around and i left thinking next time i go itll be better cause i wont be alone.

Well shinjuku appears to be bad luck for me. I got stressed trying to find this boy and sounded like it over the phone. But he still met up with me. I brought him some snacks from the baskery near me on my way. We talked. He speaks english. But he just asked about my job... how do you get it. Is it hard. Whats its pay.

I walked past a cake shop on my way to meet him and i showed him the cakes he said he really wanted. He said he didnt bring much cash so he didnt want it.... k i thought that was the point of this trip but whatever. He asked me if i was hungry three times. I said i ate before coming because normally when i meet people we dont eat and i go hunry. I left out the YOU SAID YOU WANTED CAKE!!! Part. He said he was hungry but didnt want me to not eat while he did. So i told him to find a place with desert and ill eat desert while he eats a meal. Were walking. This is about 25 minutes in and he starts to complain his legs hurt and that hes tired. Another 10 minutes pass and he complains more about how he feels like hes floating and his shoes dont fit. I see mcdonals and say i know this is lame but ive kinda been craving a big mac. Its fine if not cause ya know your visiting japan but would you want mcdonals. He jokes about it and then goes yea i could go for a bigmac. We get in the store and he tells me to go. And i tell him to go ahead first. Then he says no he feels sick and doesnt want to eat.... tells me to eat... the exact situation he didnt want earlier

Hm. Gee. I wonder whats coming. I say i only wanted to eat cause he said he was hungry. We leave and then he says maybe its tmi but - proceeds to tell me about being constipated. I didnt try to listen. Btw he was 6’4 and kinda difficult to hear if i didnt try. I wrap that up with. Yea i think that was a tmi story but good for you. Cause the gist of it was that he could shit now.

Then. You know its coming. He says hes gonna go home. I stop acting happy. I told myself the next time this happened id confront them.

We met up at 7 and it was now like 7:50. My train is 10 bucks round trip.

But. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

All i could say after a while of kinda just going silent was - whyd you ask me to meet if you were so tired.

And he aaid cauae walking around japan alone isnt fun. Yeah mean i know. I said that to you over text earlier.

I asked him if i dont look like my pic. He says i look exactly like my pic.

I say a few times before ive met up with guys and we never talk again. And he goes - well youre meeting strangers and sometimes it just doesnt click

He unmatchd me the moment he got on his train. I imagine were still friends on snapchat cause he probably deleted it since he redownloaded it to talk to me

So yea. Same experiences as back home because im me and i will always be cursed and miserable. I dont wanna sleep cause im waiting to see when that boy in 8 will block me on line... cause i sent alot of messages. It doesnt help me to know when.... but.... ya... idk. Someone shoot me please