#there will come a day where I stop using the color purple for my Octavia edits

[doortotomorrow]

OCTAVIA BLAKE : dnr

#The 100 #Octavia Blake #Marie Avgeropoulos #the100edit #there will come a day where I stop using the color purple for my Octavia edits #but it is not this day #it suits her far too much

[catrasredemption-moved]

Oh, maybe Catra confusing what's real and what isn't sometimes and not believing that this is real, because she thinks prime is still inside her head, messing with it and creating fake realities?

There were triggers.

It took them awhile to pick out the pattern, unfortunately. And the time in the interim did nothing to endear the princesses to Catra.

Netossa took the blame the first time, when she patted Catra’s head during the celebration party and Catra froze for a moment before whirling and lashing out. She missed, thankfully, her gaze distance and glazed over. She shook it off fast enough, stuttering an apology, but Netossa was easy going enough to apologize for surprising her.

Mermista was less accepting the second time it happened.

No one was really sure of the series of events - Mermista had found Catra and Melog in the hall, and Melog managed to knock Mermista out of the way before Catra struck. They’d pinned Catra down until reality reasserted itself, leaving her pale and shaken. There had been a rather pointed and cruel comment about Adora keeping her pet under control. And Bow had been forced to hold Adora back, lest she accidentally start a war with Salineas.

“What happened?” she asked Catra later, in the safety of their bedroom. Catra hadn’t had much to say in her own defense.

“I don’t know.” She was curled up against the wall, face hidden in her knees. Melog was encircled around her, shielding her from the world. “I felt... I felt like I wasn’t here, like... like this was a dream or something? I don’t know.”

Adora knelt in front of her, keeping her distance, hands up. “It’s okay. You didn’t sleep well last night, right? Maybe you’re just tired.”

She relaxed slightly, letting out a long breath. “Yeah. I guess. Maybe.”

The third time drove the point home that something was really wrong.

“Entrapta, are you sure you’re not going to break the table?” Glimmer asked tiredly, watching Entrapta rewire the war room table to connect it to one of her own machines.

“Absolutely! Ninety-nine-point-nine percent!”

“That’s not-”

“Here we go!”

The pink table flickered for a moment before turning a shade of lime green which lit up the walls in an eerie aura. Catra, who had been resting her head in her arms on the table, immediately shot up, wide-eyed.

“Sorry,” Entrapta said cheerfully. “This is from a hard drive Hordak helped extract from Horde Prime’s ship, it should give us a general idea of where to start with dismantling the rest of his empire and freeing the planets he’s taken over...”

Blood rushed through Catra’s ears, drowning out all external sound.

Little sister...

No. NononononononononononononoNO it couldn’t be, it couldn’t, he was dead-

Did you really think anyone would come for you? You said it yourself - your precious Adora doesn’t care about you. Your life is worthless. You don’t matter to anyone except me.

“No!”

Everyone jumped as Catra screamed, the noise almost immediately followed by her chair falling over as she staggered away from the table. Her back hit the wall and she dropped to her knees, entire body folding in on itself, eyes closed, hands against the back of her neck.

“Catra?” Adora stood, but was immediately blocked by Melog. Even the alien cat was keeping their distance, as if they knew Catra wasn’t in the right stand of mind.

She was back on the ship, listening to the sound of footsteps on metal floors, mechanical sounds whirring overhead, her hair slicked back against her scalp, the chip in the back of her neck-

It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real-

What’s not real? Horde Prime taunted her. Me? Or your friends?

“Entrapta, turn it off,” Glimmer snapped. The princess immediately listened, glipping off the switch and turning the room back to its regular color. Adora tried again to approach, but Melog growled, keeping her back.

“What’s wrong with her?” Frosta piped up from behind, almost sounding worried. Even Mermista couldn’t keep the shaken concern out of her expression. This wasn’t anything any of them had expected.

“I don’t...”

Catra had fallen asleep in Adora’s lap. Adora had panicked when she felt her (former?) friend’s grip loosen, but of course she was exhausted. The last few days must have been hell.

Bow and Glimmer set up a room for her, and Adora insisted on carrying her, refusing to let her go until she absolutely had to.

There was no warning before Catra woke, right as Adora was setting her down. Her eyes shot open, pupils immediately shrinking to pinpricks; Adora barely missed being clawed before Catra vaulted off the bed, hitting the floor with a painful thud.

“Catra-!”

“Shut up!” Her voice was surprisingly strong. She curled in on herself, hands clasped over the back of her neck. “What do you want?” The question baffled Adora into silence. “She’s not coming back, I already told you, she won’t, she wouldn’t, she...”

Catra drifted off into a dry sob. Adora tensed, teeth clenching together as realization set in.

Oh.

Adora straightened up, hands held out in surrender. “It’s okay,” she told Melog gently. They made a noise, ears falling against their skull, mane flaring purple. “I get it. Let me talk to her, please.”

Melog considered her for a moment before backing up and settling beside Catra. Adora took a few steps forward and knelt, still giving Catra space. She was whispering to herself, too soft to be fully heard, her claws digging into her neck almost enough to draw blood.

“Hey.” She kept her voice soft, noting the shudder that went through Catra’s body. “Catra, look at me.” She shook her head. “Please?” Another head shake. “This is real, I promise. It’s not a trick.”

“She wouldn’t come back for me.” The broken defeat in Catra’s voice was like a knife in Adora’s heart. She ignored it, forcing her laugh.

“And somehow I’m the dummy here.” Catra’s ears flicked slightly. “Do you really think Horde Prime would just fake his own death to trick you? We both know he’s way too egotistical for that.”

Catra choked out a little laughed, although her body didn’t relax. Adora took a chance, reaching out to rest a hand on Catra’s knee. It didn’t immediately spark an attack, which she took as a good sign.

“He’s not real.”

She’s not real.

“You’re here. You’re safe.”

She would never come back for you.

“I love you.”

She’s lying.

Catra shook, letting out a small sob. “Stop...”

Adora’s fingers tightened on her knee. “Focus on me, Catra. I’m here. I’m real. It’s okay.”

Melog’s pulsing mane slowly faded back to blue as Catra retracted her claws. Adora held her breath, waiting. “How do I know you’re real?” she finally whispered.

“Because I kicked Horde Prime’s ass and I’d do it again if I had a chance?”

One hand slowly slid down to rest over Adora’s. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

Catra unfurled a bit, allowing Adora to drag her into her arms and hug her tight.

They weren’t flashbacks, exactly - more like hallucinations. That was how the healer in Mystacor tried to explain it when Catra talked to her (after nearly three days of Glimmer trying to convince her that it would be good to talk to someone who understood mental trauma in a way that could help). They were things that hadn’t happened, but that Catra was afraid would happen - that she would wake up back on that ship, that Adora had never come to save her, that she was still Horde Prime’s willing little sister.

Melog helped as an active buffer; a third party who hadn’t been present at any point in Catra’s life before Prime, and something her mind couldn’t really make up. Adora learned a few ways to help Catra ground herself. The problem was that anything could be a possible trigger, and the only way they could learn what set Catra was off was by waiting. They figured out color and touch pretty quickly, but there were other things, like certain words or phrases that would put Catra right back on the ship like she had never left it.

“Maybe you should’ve just left me there,” she muttered dejectedly into her pillow one night. Adora immediately abandoned the map she was working on to sit with Catra, gently brushing her hair back.

“The fact that you thought I really would leave you there is a bit insulting, you know,” she joked.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to offend your hero complex.” There was no heat in the words. “What good am I if I can’t even keep reality straight?”

“You can’t judge yourself based on something that you have no control over.” Adora’s fingers paused over the back of her neck, inches from the scar left by the chip (now surrounded by several fresher, lighter scars from various flashbacks or hallucinations).

“Doesn’t make me any less dangerous.”

“The only person you’re a danger to is yourself.” Adora lightly traced one of the newer scars. Catra shivered slightly. “If I tell you I love you and it’s worth it, can you at least believe that I believe that?”

“Of course I believe you believe that. You have a bleeding heart.”

Rude, but fair. Adora lied beside her, pulling her into a hug. “Then believe that I can make my own choices and I don’t need you to protect me from you.”

Catra was still for a long moment before she leaned into the hug, relaxing. “Remember those stupid drawings we did on your bunk?”

“Our marks, you mean?”

“Yeah, something to remember us by when we were ruling the place as adults.” Catra smiled into her shoulder. “Which one was red and which was blue, again?”

“Uh, I was red, obviously.”

“Why obviously? Red isn’t exactly your color, princess.”

It was one of their small ways of grounding Catra. A lot of their memories had conflicting details despite being shared - even things as tiny as which of Octavia’s eyes Catra had scratched out (Adora swore it was the left eye, Catra would die thinking it was the right eye). Horde Prime’s illusions had never been detailed enough to think of Adora’s memories being different - Adora would have just agreed with anything Catra said. Possibly the most unrealistic thing of all.

“You don’t even know what red is.”

"Oh yeah? Did you hit your head hard enough to fix being colorblind at some point?”

“Are you asking me about brain damage? Seriously?”

They never did get around to figuring out who was what color, but it didn’t really matter - Catra had accomplished what she had wanted to do.

This was reality. No matter how much her brain tried to tell her otherwise.

#catradora #askbox fic #spop fic #Mystery Person #Sam Answers

[phoenixfeatherquillwriting]

OC Name Meaning Edits (Part I)

I’ve always thought it would be fun to do these, and I noticed one of Quill’s ( @quilloftheclouds) edits going around, so I thought I would give it a try! All of these use free images and templates from Canva!

Bonus name info under the cut!

All these characrers are Constellan!

A Note on Middle Names: You may have noticed, not everyone listed has a middle name. Why? Middle names are actually a regional thing in Constella as a holdover from their colonial days. Depending on which foreign power ruled which portions of what is now the fully unified and independent Republic of Constella, different linguistic and naming conventions took hold., as well as various policies and laws around names themselves. Whether or not you have a middle name largely depends on your family’s origins and geographic history. In more traditionalist regions where colonial rule was not as centralized, middle names didn’t take hold as prominently.

A Note on Name Order: Names in Constella also have a lot to do with social class, reflected in the order and origins of names. At one time, being upper-class meant blending into the norms of foreign powers, and since it hasn’t yet been 100 years since independence, such practices still leave their mark. For the uppermost classes (or those who aspire to be upwardly mobile,) it’s common practice to have a Constellan name on paper, but to use an English, French, German, or Nordic name in professional settings. Some use these adopted names in their social circles as well, but some observe their Constellan names among friends. Another common arrangement, most popular among middle-class folks, is to use a Constellan name in the front/as a first name and a foreign name in the middle. For those who hail from traditionalist strongholds, are devoted practitioners of the Marnesh ethnoreligion, or come from more disadvantaged material circumstances, Constellan names are used both in the front and in the middle, if a second name is present at all. The history of names here is a somewhat frought topic, but most would say a Constellan name is a marker of pride and the strength of the people.

Onto the bonus name info now!

Lizrendell Desslin- She prefers to go by a short and simple “Liz,” which some mistake to be short for the Hebrew name “Elizabeth.” Not so! Her full Constellan name means “dark eyes.” Hers are purple in color, something that pops up more rarely in comparison to brown, grey, or even green eyes. There’s a folk saying, especially among the older generations, that violet eyes are a mark of keen intelligence.

Nerissa Vannarjee-Just “Rissa” to most, her full name has associations with Greek mythology (the birth of Aphrodite, the nymph children of Nereus), as well as Shakespeare. A character called Nerissa appears in The Merchant of Venice. The meaning is quite appropriate for a hydrokinetic, don’t you think?

Tavi Victoria Simorian-I thought up this name especially for the character...or so I thought! Pronounced similarly to “tabby,” it means “someone who protects” in Constellan. Years later, I came to find its actually a real-life name! It can be used as a diminutive of David, primarily for girls, or as a diminutive form of Octavia, which is an old Latin name meaning “eighth.” Victoria is also Latin and a feminized name, too; this time for Victor. It’s meaning is quite easy to parse, “someone who brings victory.” It seems a good combo for someone like Tavi, who guards her family members with upmost dedication, and fights fiercely and passionately to correct injustice.

Ash Monroe Gutierrez-Ash chose their own name when they transitioned, and it’s very important to them. Sometimes used as a short form of Ashton, it can refer to ash trees, but Ash themselves chose it for its associations with fire and volcanoes. For a pyrotechnic with a penchant for geoscience (and a sparky personality), you can’t get better than that! Monroe is well-known as a surname, but it’s sometimes used as a unisex first or middle name, a common theme for Irish and Scottish names alike. I like its spunky sound! Bonus: Gutierrez is a Spanish surname which means “son of Gutierre.”

Aris Athena Portokalos- Fondly called Ari on occasion, hers is another case of me making something up, only to realize later, “Wait, that’s a name?” In Constellan, it’s a feminine name which means “ambitious”: that’s Ari through and through! It’s also a unisex Greek name which means “harvest.” Athena seemed appropriate for someone who is known for their intellect (to the point of basing their self-worth around it, Ari stop that.) Bonus: triple hit! Portokalos is also a Greek name, belonging to the family of the protagonist Tula in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” It’s said to mean “orange,” perhaps as a reference to farmers who tended orange orchards. I had forgotten where I heard it originally, but went ahead and picked it up.

Bethki Pemmer-Usually just “Beth,” her name is meant to compliment her gentle, curious, and rather shy nature. In Constellan, it means “she who observes.”

Ione Lee Nazir-We’re back with yet more Greek mythology: stories say that Ione was one of fifty sea nymphs called Nereids. Hmm, sound familiar? Hint: look at her partner’s entry! With a lovely purple meaning fitting for a gardener, the association with violet stones (and flowers) means that Rissa calls her “Violet” from time to time. It can be pronounced in a variety of ways: I use EYE-own, but eye-OH-nee and ee-OH-nee are also used. Lee is a short, unassuming English name which means “meadow.” In Ione’s case, it’s a family name, used by her mother and grandmother in the middle place as well. Bonus: Nazir is an Arabic name which can be used as a first or last. As a variation of Nasir, it means “helper,” but it can also be used to mean “beautiful,” “pure,” or “warner” as in “one who is sent by Allah to warn mankind,” in which case it is used as an epithet for the Prophet Muhammad. Ione shares her father’s Islamic faith.

Katri Newsome- A case of double names, Katri is her legal Constellan name, which means “knowing.” It’s the name she prefers, and how Aris and the rest of the family refer to her. Her parents, however, tended to call her Kendra, an English name with the same meaning. While she didn’t always know what Aris was up to in the early years of her apprenticeship at the tail end of her “villain years,” Katri came to know her better than virtually anyone else, second only to Ash. Sound-alike cousin Katiri, is another Constellan name, this one meaning “little wren bird,” which is used as an occasional nickname.

#dove creates #and rambles about names #dove’s useless ocs #writer friends #Quill #OC: Liz #OC: Rissa #OC: Tavi #OC: Ash #OC: Aris #OC: Beth #OC: Ione #OC: Katri #mine

[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Banished (Part 24)

*Not My Gif*

Summary: When the 100 was sent to the ground, Y/N Y/L/N was one of them. Having been locked up for almost 8 years, how will she react to surviving on Earth? Especially when she gets banished…

Post Date: 11-16-19

Paring: Bellamy Blake x Reader

Word Count: 3.1K

A/N: I am so sorry this is so late! Last night we had this last minute Bachelorette party for my friend who was having this surprise wedding and I didn’t get him until like 3 this morning and then I was out and now I have a hangover, so my bad guys.

~Master List~

~Banished Master~

*Based off episode 2x11 of the 100, Coup de Grace*

Kane paced back and forth in front of the door, every now and then taking a glace at it but not once choosing to open it. He ran a hand through his typically kept hair as a group of footsteps rounded about the corner and he looked up, catching sight of Indra and a few grounders as they approached the door.

“Indra.” Kane spoke first, hiding the worry behind his eyes as Indra turned towards the door, the metal still in place as Kane clenched his jaw.

“How’s Y/N?” she asked him as he finally willed himself to open the door and walk into the room. You laid on a hospital bed unconscious, a few new bruises on your eye and upper cheek but ultimately, you’ve looked worse, and Indra’s seen you like that before. Kane however hadn’t.

“How do you think she is?” He spat, crossing his arms and letting his anger seep through a little. “He could’ve killed her.”

“Then she would’ve died an honorable death.” Kane scoffed as he chose to focus on you instead of the woman as she and her men left. He couldn’t believe he was here with you covered in bruises and knocked out. He carefully brushed a few pieces of your hair out of your face, revealing a few more scars on the side of your face as he sighed.

“Would she have really wanted you in here?” Kane jumped as he turned around at the voice, seeing the owner standing in the doorway and leaning against the frame. Octavia’s face hardened as she watched the older man shake his head.

“She would’ve hated it.” He whispered, letting his fingers trace under your eye on the purpling skin, being sure not to press on it at all. Octavia walked up next to him, taking one of your hands in hers as Kane sighed. “She’s so different.” He found himself confessing as Octavia turned to him.

“She’s been through a lot.” She agreed before remembering why she came in. She grabbed the rag next to you, dipping it in water and cleaning up the last of the blood and dirt scattered throughout your body. Kane’s eyes remained on you, seeing the more and more cuts and scare being revealed before he turned around, marching right out the door and leaving the girl to watch over you. Octavia let out a shaky breath as she sat down next to you, her hand still holding yours in hopes that you’ll wake up soon. “You don’t get to die on me Y/N.” She mumbled, resting her forehead on the bed before you started to move.

“Hey. You’re alright. You’re alright.” Octavia assures you as you sit up, holding your head in your hands.

“Ugh, O? How long have I been out?” You asked her in a raspy voice, longing for water as she handed you a canteen.

“A few hours. Jackson told us to bring you here.” She said as you guzzled down the water. “He also fixed a few of your deeper cuts.” She indicated to your stomach as you pulled up your shirt, the stitching on your wound now cleaned up. “I should go get him.” She made her way to the door before you stuck your hand out.

“No. I’m fine. You don’t have to worry anyone about me.”

“Y/N. I’m not worrying him. He needs to look at you, make sure you’re alright.” You just shook your head, pushing your legs over the side of the bed. You didn’t need anyone looking after you, you were fine. A little tired, but fine. Octavia was at your side, helping you to your feet as you smiled, softly pushing her hands away to show you were fine to stand on your own. “You were just unconscious, Y/N. Maybe you should take it easy.” She suggested as you still shook your head.

“O, I said I was fine.” Your next question shouldn’t have shocked her, but she didn’t know how to answer it. “Where’s Bellamy?” She stayed silent, a hand on a guiding position on your back but making no move to push you anywhere. “Octavia?” you pressed as your stomach dropped, automatically assuming the worst. You knew your breathing stared to get hard as you felt more light-headed, your knees giving out from under you slightly as Octavia helped you to the bed.

“Y/N! Hey, It’s okay! It’s okay, he’s okay. He’s alive.” She assured you as she tried anything to make you calm down, trying to your head level to clear your head. He’s okay. He’s alive. That’s what you had to keep repeating in your head as your eyes closed, listening to Octavia speak.

“Where is he?” You knew you didn’t need to see Bellamy. But you wanted to. And having gone a few days you begun to realize you hadn’t seen Bellamy since the other night and you were worried.

“He went into Mount Weather.” Octavia said it so simply that you could’ve sworn you misheard her.

“What?”

“He’s the inside man.” She shrugged, a frown on her face before she met your eyes and furrowed her brows. “He didn’t tell you? I could’ve sworn you’d be the first he’d talk to.”

Bellamy left? Was that what he was going to tell you? You couldn’t help but hate Octavia’s words. There’s no reason why you’d be the first person that Bellamy would tell. You and Bellamy couldn’t be anything more than what you were right now. Octavia caught onto your silence as she tried to change the subject.

“How are you feeling?” She asked.

“Like shit. Only better.” You both chuckled before you noticed Octavia’s sword on her hip and how her eyes had her battle paint on them. “You going somewhere?” She glanced down to the sword, before looking at you again.

“Clarke is coming back from Tondc with Lexa, Indra and I was going to meet her.” She barely got the words out of her mouth before you were standing up again, only this time you didn’t need to sit back down.

“I’m going with you.” You told her and shrugged on your jacket, not waiting for a response that was sure to come.

“Y/N.”

“I’m going with you.” You repeated with more force as Octavia just smiled.

“I know. I was going to say I have something for you.” She went outside the room, leaving only briefly before coming back, a new bow in her hand. “This is for you. From Indra.” The girls words died on her tongue as your eye brows went wide.

“Indra.. got me a bow?” You hid the shock on your face with more shock as you tested it out, pulling back the string and checking the resistance.

“So hows it feel?”

“It feels... great.” Octavia felt a smile across her face when you inspected the bow even more. “Why did Indra do this?” You thought she hated you but giving you a bow like this meant the woman might just be warming up to you a little.

“That is a question for her. Now c’mon she’s waiting.” You nodded, following Octavia down the halls off the ark.

“I guess I don’t really need the eye makeup.” You joked as you held back a smile, pointing to the bruises surrounding your eye. Octavia gave you an amused look as she chuckled lightly.

“Leave it to you to make a joke at yourself.” She ran off with a laugh as you followed her.

“Oh come on! That was funny!”

You met up with Indra soon and thanked her for the bow, but she didn’t say anything, only nodding at you and then moving on. After walking maybe a half hour you came across Clarke and the rest of her people.

Octavia was about to head towards them before the color movement entered your sight line and you stopped her.

“Look,” You said as you pointed to where 2 Mountain Men lay on the ground with a gun pointed at Clarke’s head. “They’re going to kill her.” You said as Octavia and Indra both crouched to the ground with you, peering over the bushes.

“What do we do?” Octavia asked as you shook your head, trying to figure out a plan.

“Ok, Octavia you go this way,” you pointed to your left, “Indra and I will go this way. When I give the signal we attack.” They both agreed, Indra surprised you by not having anything to say about your plan before you were on your separate ways. When you got into your position, you pulled out an arrow and placed it in your bow, pulling back and taking a deep breath. Your aim was on the man with a gun who pulled the trigger quickly before you let your arrow fly right into his head.

“Ahhh!” Octavia yelled as she ran up to fight the last man and you and Indra took a step out of your spot. You were about to help her before Indra put her hand out to stop you.

“No, her kill.” You didn’t want to just leave Octavia to fight but you knew she had it handled so you watched as she fought the man, almost killing him before Clarke came barreling in on horse back.

“Stop!” she orders as Octavia looked at her. “He’s from Mount Weather. We need to keep him alive.” Octavia didn’t say anything but you understood, taking the time to dig through the belongings and pockets of the dead man.

You ripped their backpack open and barely needed to look inside before you found what you were looking for.

“What is that?” Clarke asked as you pulled out the photos. One of them was Clarke and Lexa both with their faces circled in red and your eyes widened, heading over to show Clarke.

“You and Lexa were the targets.” Clarke looked down at you in shock as Indra yelled to warn the commander. “We have to take him back to camp.” You told her as she nodded, getting off her horse to help restrain him as you all made your way back to camp.

Bellamy trembled as he sat up in the cage, looking around the room at the numerous grounders locked in cages around him. He couldn’t even count them all. Grabbing the lock on the door he tried to yank it off, break it or something to escape but it wasn’t working. All it did was draw attention.

“Shof op.” A grounder told him when he made to much noise.

“I don’t understand you.” He told her as she spit in his face and called him a sky person. “I take it no one told you we aren’t enemies anymore?” He wiped the spit from his face as the woman watched him carefully. “I need out of this cage.”

“And then what?” She asked, shaking her head.

Bellamy glared straight ahead. “And then I’m going to kill everyone in this mountain.” He looked at the woman once more before pounding on the door, trying to push it away. He hated being locked in here but he also hated that he didn’t say goodbye to you. He thought it was dumb, he said goodbye to his sister before Lincoln and him left but he didn’t say goodbye to you. He didn’t even know if you knew he was here. And that was just eating at him. He was worried about what you might’ve said when he told you. Would you have fought for him to stay? Would you have let him go and be worried for him. Or worse, would you not even care?

You stayed back when you get to Camp Jaha, knowing there was nothing you could do for medical. You began to follow Octavia to relieve Raven before a hand was on your arm, pulling you back.

“What the hell you were doing?!” Kane asked, lowering his voice so only the two of you could hear as you rolled your eyes.

“None of your business Kane.” You pushed off his arm, turning to leave before he jumped in front of you.

“I find out you woke up and then left right afterwards? Do you know how worried I had been?!” You didn’t have anything to say to him. What would you say? Besides everything you been telling him since he landed on this cursed planet. He doesn’t deserve to worry about you. You pushed past him and this time he didn’t follow, letting you reach Octavia with a huff.

“Any word from Bell?” You asked her, not catching her smile at the use of his nickname.

“Nothing yet.” You sighed and looked at her smile making you confused.

“Why are you happy? I thought your brother not answering is a bad thing.” You reminded her, tapping the radio gently as she nodded.

“Oh it is.”

“Then why are you smiling?” She just shrugged and you couldn’t help yourself. “Octavia tell me, I need to know now!”

She bit her lip, looking away only briefly as her smile got bigger.

“What’s going on with you and my brother?” She was playing matchmaker and you couldn’t help but blush.

“Nothing O. Absolutely nothing.” You lied through your teeth. You knew that wasn’t completely 100 percent true. While there was nothing happening, that didn’t mean neither of you wanted it to happen.

“Come on Y/N. Just tell him! I know you’re one of the most stubborn people I’ve met but you two need each other.” She put her hands on your shoulders and shook your gently, making you laugh out a breath.

“Okay! How about this?” You took a second to form the words as your heart beat out of your chest. “We all make it out of this alive, I’ll consider it.” Octavia have you a hug before you both focused on the radio, praying that Bellamy would just answer it already.

Kane approached Abby who stood outside the airlock watching Emerson.

“Raven did a good job with the airlock. When is he going to wake up?” He asked her as she crossed her arms.

“I don’t know. Our blood heals them. It’s incredible.” She told them as his face fell.

“That’s Why the kids are in trouble in Mount Weather.”

“My kid’s in trouble Marcus. They tried to kill her.”

“They missed. Clarke is strong.”

Abby faced Kane, irritation written across her face. “She’s not that strong. Everyone looks at her like she’s a leader, even Mount Weather.” Kane didn’t know what to say to her, it wasn’t like she was wrong. “How’s Y/N doing with all this?” She asked the man who groaned, letting his eyes close.

“I don’t know. Clarke and Y/N are holding this alliance together and we’d lose the alliance without them.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, as Abby rubbed a hand on his back.

“I didn’t know I’d lose my daughter over it.” She stormed out and left him alone as Kane just pictured you laying on the bed covered in the thousand scars and bruises.

“I think I already lost mine.” He whispered to himself as he now stared at Emerson laying much like you had and Fire was lit within him.

Raven took over Radio duty from you and Octavia and you didn’t mind, honestly you were pretty beat but you couldn’t sleep now. Not when you were scared of what you’d see if you did and if Bellamy contacted you wanted to be there. Abby told you that you should be taking it easy and refused to allow you to spar, but you told her she didn’t have any day in what you did. Your head hurt to much to spar anyways. Too much movement. The only thing you could do was walk around.

A P.A. Announcement came on calling Clarke and Kane to the airlock where they kept Emerson and suddenly you found yourself heading that way, your feet taking you before your brain even made the decision.

“Jackson found genetic marker anomalies that can only come from someone who was born on the Ark." Abby said as you approached the room, standing a few paces behind Clarke who was in the doorway.

“It didn’t come from our blood transfusion?” Kane looked back at Emerson as Abby denied, saying they took the test before.

“They’re bleeding our friends.” You pulled everyone’s attention to you, past Clarke as she looked as equally scared as you. Sure they banished you but they were still your friends. Jasper was in there, Monty, Harper. And now Bellamy.

You left the room, ignoring how Clarke headed to Emerson to kill him as you ignored everyone’s glances through the halls, both curious and some still disgusted you’d be here.

You found a spot alone, pressing up against the side of the ark as Clarke walked past you and straight to where Raven was with the Radio. Something in you told you to follow but you didn’t care. You didn’t need to get your hopes up that Bellamy would answer only to struck down. Again.

You started to push the dirt around with your fingers, trying to make your head stop fighting their battles and before you knew it Bellamy’s name was scribbled across the ground in sloppy writing. You stared at it for what seemed like forever before Clarke’s boots Cosme into your view and huge smile on her face.

“Bellamy’s alive.” She said as she kept walking, making you sit up straight in shock.

“Wait, what do you mean he’s alive?” You knew you should have followed her into that damn tent! Clarke turned to you briefly, beckoning you to follow as you got to your feet, shooting his name on the ground one last look before leaving it, following after the girl.

You stood by Clarke’s side as she got Emerson out of the airlock, walking him straight through camp as you stood between Octavia and Indra. Clarke was doing something right for once and you were all for it. You turned behind you, seeing Emerson being forced to walk with you all and satisfied smirk happened across your face. Until Kane and Abby stopped you all. Clarke told off her mother and Kane, saying that she was in charge. It made you almost proud. Kane watched you stand with them, knowing that you wouldn’t have previously stood with Clarke if something hadn’t changed.

“The grounders trust Clarke. Maybe we should too.” Even though Kane was talking to Abby, he kept glancing at you, but you looked anywhere but.

“Do you want to explain how this helps Bellamy?” Octavia asked you as you shared a look with Clarke.

“Because O, the more they’re looking at us.”

“The less they’re looking for Bellamy.” Clarke continued and your smirk dropped a little.

“Bellamy’s the key to everything. He dies, we die.” You finished and took a deep breath and hoped, prayed, you did anything that Bellamy wasn’t going to die. For more than just one reason.

Feedback makes me happy, and happy makes me write!

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[writingkeepsmewhole]

I’m Forgiven?

This is part 5 of Vampire Princess. This is a long one. Octavia goes to the founders day party her making admins with Damon.

Damon Salvatore x OC Octavia

Warnings:None?

Taglist I’ll happily tag you” @problematicpastry @butifulsoul125 @kpoplover1306xdepressedgirl315

Part 1  Part 4 

It’s been a few weeks since my almost, whatever I had with Damon. Caroline has not treated me any different making me guess Damon hasn't told her. Making me feel even more guilty for not saying anything. The guilt thickens when I catch Elena looking at me with the judgmental big sister look she gives Jeremy.

I found myself staying in my room more and more because of it.

Sad thing is I talked to a crow more than I have people.

Walking down the stairs dressed in fluffy ripped up skirt and a corset top and a leather jacket. My hair was braid and I had purple smokey eye and nude lips. My knee high black boots in place on my feet.

I took note of Jeremy storming up the steps. Sighing I finished the walk into the kitchen to see Elena sitting at the table.

“What did you do to our little brother?” I asked earning myself a slight glare.

“Nothing, I just-.” She was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.

“I’ll get it.” She says standing up.

Sighing I move to the the bowl on the counter taking a apple.

“No pancakes?” Jenna asked smiling.

“Not today I’m going to have a people free day thank you.” I say grabbing my bag where I left it on the couch the night before.

“Same as you have had a people free week?” She asked making me tense slightly.

“Exactly.”

“Hey, O?” She says right as I get to the front door.

“Are you okay? I mean I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I’m fine it's just hard getting use to everything.” I say putting on my best fake smile.

“Oh alright. Well if you promise you are okay.”

“I promise.” I say smiling again then quickly leaving before she can ask me anything else.

Hearing a caw as soon as I stepped outside made my head snap to the porch swing seeing my crow sitting there.

“Don’t poop on my swing.” I say pointing at it then walking down the street.

After a few hours of drawing at the park I decided to grab lunch at the grill.

I changed my mind when I saw Caroline talking to Bonnie. She saw me to though waving me over.

Sighing I moved to sit next to Bonnie.

“Hi Care.” I say smiling softly.

“Hey are you okay O?” Bonnie asked looking at me.

“Just having a bad, well week.” I say shrugging.

“I’m sorry do you wanna talk about it?”

“Yeah we can talk if you want.” Caroline said chipper as always.

Sighing I decided it was best to just tell her tired of the guilt.

“It’s about Damon…” I say slowly not knowing where to start.

“Is this about you guys talking the other night at the game and Elena thinking you two were doing something?” She said quickly surprising me and Bonnie.

“How did you know?”

“O, Damon told me silly.” She says smiling.

“It’s fine I’m not mad at you or him it was a misunderstanding.”

“Caroline I don’t think-.”

“It’s okay really trust me. I’m not mad.” She says smiling as if to make me feel better.

“Anyways I better go I have to get dressed for the party tonight. Are you two coming.”

“Yeah I’ll be there.” Bonnie says smiling up at her as Caroline moved out of her seat.

“And you Octavia?”

“Umm, Yeah Elena is making me go.”

“Awesome see you two there then.” She says smiling and walking off.

“That was weird.” I said.

“I think that was just Caroline she has been like that a lot lately.”

“Maybe she is on drugs?” I ask looking at the door then at Bonnie.

“Or just really happy.”

“Something.” I say as a waitress comes over to take my order.

“So what happened between you and Damon?” Bonnie asked.

“I don’t know even if it really was something. We didn’t do anything we just….”

Not knowing what to say I found myself playing with the salt shaker.

“Octavia tell me.” She says taking the salt from my hand and setting it down.

“We were just talking, we were just standing really close is all.”

“Did you want something to happen?” She asked

“That’s the part that scares me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I think I just need to laid.” I say laughing softly.

“Well, just be careful I get a bad feeling from Damon.

“Like a witchy feeling?” I asked earning a slight glare.

“No just be careful.”

“Always.” I say smiling at her.

Pushing myself away from the table I stand up and grab my bag.

“Where are you going?”

“Home I have party to get ready for.” I say lifting my shoulder in a shrug.

“You don’t seem to pleased about it.”

“If Caroline is going so is Damon so that’s just gonna be really awkward.”

“Why Caroline didn’t seem mad about it.”

“Yeah but I don’t know how Damon feels about it. Or I for that matter.” I say accepting the fact I was perplexed by Damon.

“Well I’ll be there to give you an excuse to stay away from him.”

“Bon Bon you are never an excuse you're a priority.” I say winking at her earning a laugh.

“I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.” She says waving.

Waving I turn and leave the Grill and start walking home.

“I’m home.” I yell when I walk into the house only greeted by silence.

“If there is a psycho killer here let me eat before you take me out thanks.” I say walking to the kitchen only stopping to throw my bag on the couch.

Opening the fridge I sat to making a sandwich with a cold pop.

“Yeah because this is healthy.” I say looking at the more than enough chips on the plate.

Going into the living room I eat a chip while turning on the TV.

“Another body found.” Flashes across the screen making me sigh.

“Why are you watching the news. You hate the news.” Says a voice making me jump.

I turn around to see Jeremy looking at the TV.

“I just turned the TV on ya creeper.” I say turning back to face the TV.

“Why are you sneaking up on me.”

“You are the one that started yelling as soon as you got here.”

“So you just decide to sneak up on me because I yelled.”

“Yeah seemed like a good idea. I didn’t really plan anything it just happen.” He says moving to sit beside me.

“Well what’s up with you? You seemed pretty mad this morning.”

“Oh you know just are big sister being a grade A bitch like always.” Jarmey says making me blink at him a little shocked.

“Sorry she has just been on my case for a while.”

“Yeah mine too.”

“What did you do?”

“Almost kissed Caroline’s boyfriend.”

“The older dude?”

“Yeah.”

“Funny didn’t peg you for liking older men.”

“He’s not that old.”I say shoving him with my shoulder making him laugh.

“Hey I don’t judge just didn’t know you liked wrinkles.”

“He’s not that old!” I say again laughing it mixing with his own.

After we calmed down and ate my sandwich I nudged Jarmey with my elbow.

“Alright tell me what’s going on with you and Elena?” I say earning a sigh from him.

“She is giving our parents stuff to Ms. Lockwood for the party tonight.”

“Yeah I know.” I say softly not wanting to anger the beast.

“Yeah well you know she is giving Dad’s watch. Just giving it over like it meant nothing to him.”

“The men of this family are meant to have it. It’s not meant to be in some case with people staring at it remembering how are parents died and giving us some pity glance all over again.” He says his voice getting louder and strand the more he talks.

“I’ll talk to her.”

“No I don’t want you to talk to her. No one should have to talk to her she should just think about someone other than herself.” He says standing up.

I take a breath and stand up and wrap my arms around him.

I was always put in the middle maybe that's why I was closer to Jeremy than Elena. After our parents died she separated herself and left me and Jarmey alone so it was only natural for us to be closer.

“What’s going on?” Asks the person we were just talking about.

“Why do you care?” Jarmey asks pulling away from me and going upstairs.

“What’s wrong with him?” She asks point to the steps.

“You.” I say picking up my plate and moving to the kitchen.

“What do you mean me?”

“Oh ya know you being you thinking about making everyone like you because you have to return to normal.” I say knowing that this not just about Jeremy.

“Is this about Jermay or you?” She asks blocking me from getting to the sink.

“What do you think?”

“I think that everyone around me is turning on me for no reason.”

“Maybe you should think about that and figure out why.” I say setting the plate on the counter and trying to turn around only to be stop by Elena grabbing my arm,.

“Just tell me what’s going on.”

“You are only worried about yourself.” I say honestly and pulling my arm away from her and going upstairs.

Stepping into my room I locked my door and my bathroom door. Going to the desk I turned on music making it loud on purpose.

I went to my closet and dug out every dress I owned throwing them on the bed.

“Alright which one of you ladies is going out with me tonight.” I say bending to pick up a short black dress.

“Too sluty.” I say putting it back in the closet.

Picking up a sweater dress I look at it wondering when I bought it. Giving the fact it still had the tag on it made me think it was a gift.

Hanging it back up I grabbed another and another until I settled on a red dress i forgot I had.

Leaving it on the bed I turned to grab took at my shoes but stopped seeing an all too familiar crow sitting on my window.

Smiling I moved to open the window the crow hopping and making a soft noise.

“Hello there.” I say slowly reaching out to pet it.

“Sadly you are the only one not to make me mad today.” I say softly stroking its head.

Getting up I return getting dressed.

A few hours later I was ready to go.

I was dressed in a tight dark red dress my leather jacket from earlier. My hair let down making it super fluffy. A cut cress red eye, wine colored nails and red and black ombre lips. Then black boot wedges to match.

“What took you so long?” Elena asked as I walked down the steps.

“Do you see these lips?” I asked pointing to my face.

Sighing she rolls her eyes at me.

“Alright I get it can we go now.”

“After you.” I say gesturing to the door.

It didn’t take long to get the Lockwood's house. It was the largest house in town as far as I know. Though Elena said Stephan was just a bit bigger. I didn’t make a joke about that sentence though the twelve year old in me wanted to.

As soon as we got to the property I remember the last and only time I was here.

It was only a month after me and Tyler got together and I was dumping him for being a dick to Jeremy.

“Everything okay?” Elena asked as we followed in line of everyone going in.

“Yeah why wouldn't I be?” I asked glancing at her.

I was still mad about this afternoon but not enough to make things weird for Stephan

“Well last time you were here you broke up with your boyfriend.” She says softly touching my arm.

“Yes who I was only with for a few weeks. That was also like a year ago so I’m okay.” I say rolling my eyes at her as I walked threw the door greeted by Tyler’s mom.

“Hi Carol.” I said waving at her and quickly ducking through the crowd of people.

Scanning the room I quickly decided to find my hiding spot outside.

I was stopped by bumping into a waiter. Apologising I looked up just in time to catch Elena waving me over.

Sighing I moved to stand next to her.

“Want to go look at everything everyone brought in?” She asks smiling trying to make up for today I’m guessing.

“Sure.” I say shrugging.

Smiling she lets Stefan lead her into the room of different artifacts from the different founding families.

I purposely kept away from our parents things. I didn’t need any sadness on top of the guilt I felt.

I know Caroline said it was okay but it didn’t feel that way it was more of a nagging feeling in my jut that I had to fix it. How? I didn’t know but I knew I would try.

Feeling eyes on me I look up to meet bright blue ones, that belonged to none other than Damon. Meeting my gaze he smiled softly and tilted his head. The movement getting Caroline’s attention making her turn to look at me.

“Octavia you came!” She says smiling brightly but not moving from Damon’s side.

“I did. Elena forced me to go after Jeremy reused.” I say moving to stand in front of her but not looking at Damon.

“Younger brothers can be that way.” Damon says his voice seeming to suck out the air in the room.

“Damon.” Stephan says turning to join our group.

“Brother.” Damon says smiling.

It didn’t take a genus to know Damon and Stephan did not like each other. It making me wonder what happened that made them mad at one another.

“Look at all these old names.” Elena says trying to clear the air.

Her saying names that are still familiar being paste thru generations.

“Wait does that say Damon and Stephan Salvatore?”

“Our ancestors. Tragic really.” Damon says looking at Elena then me.

“They don’t want to hear about boring history.” Stephan says almost taking a step closer to Damon.

I lift an eyebrow wondering how they made it this long without killing each other. I remembering when they came to my house and that they seemed tense then.

“I would love to get to know more about your family.” Elena says smiling at Stephan.

I roll my eyes wanting to leave but not wanting to be rude. I also didn’t want Damon to think he got under my skin.

“Well I’m bored and I want to dance. But, Damon won’t dance with me.” Caroline says pouting.

“Nope.” Damon says shaking my head making me once again roll my eyes.

‘Why do girls like jerks?’ I think to myself.

“Could I borrow your date?” She asks surprising me.

“Oh umm..” Elena says looking at me.

“Don’t look at  me I didn’t bring a date.”

“You didn’t?” Damon asks smirking.

“No.” I say ignoring the feeling he was judging me.

“I don’t really dance.” Stephan says.

“Of course you do. He can do it all.” Damon says smirking enjoying his little brothers pain.

“Well I’m not taking no for an answer. We’ll be right back.” Caroline says pulling on Stephan’s arm leading him out of the room.

I look shocked then look at Elena to see if she is going to do anything.

“Well that’s my cue.” I say moving towards the door.

I stop when I feel cold fingers wrap around my arm. Spinning around I stop when I meet bright blue eyes with my own.

“Wait. I need to talk to you.” He says his gaze staring into mine.

I feel my whole body relax and go calm all at once. Taking a breath I nod softly.

“Alright. About what?”

“Elena could you give us a moment?” He asks looking at her smiling politely his hand still on my arm.

“Oh, umm sure. I need to find Stefan anyway.” She says walking out.”

“Now, where were we. Oh right. Me apologizing for the other night. I’m sorry for being a jerk and trying to kiss you. My therapist says I’m acting out. Trying to punish Stephan.”

“If that’s so why go after me?” I ask confused.

“Because you are his girlfriend's twin sister. You tell each other everything. So getting to you gets to her and back to him. We both know how girls blow everything out of the water.” He says smirking making me wonder why I’m not pissed at him for saying all that.

“Why are trying to punish Stefan is it because of Katherine?”

“I guess you could say that. It kinda runs in the family. Sibling rivalry and all. It actually started with the original Salvatore brothers.”

“What happened?” I ask tucking a piece of hair behind my ear wanting to get to the bottom of Damon’s and Stefan’s dislike for one another maybe I could help.

“The Salvatore name used to be royalty in this town. Until the war. There was a battle here.”

“The battle of willow creek right? We are learning about it in class. Wow that makes me sound like I’m fourteen.” I say earning a chuckle.

“Well just a bit.” He says smiling it making his blue eyes almost glow.

“Well what most history books don’t tell you is when the soldiers fired on the church the people they killed wasn't there by accent. The were believed to be sympathizers so they got rounded up to be burned alive. Stephan and Damon had someone they loved very much in that church. When they left to safe them they were shot in cold blood.”

“That’s awful.” I say holding my chest unable to imagine on your way to save someone knowing you’ll never make it.

“It was.” He says nodding as if he was there.

I guess if it was his history hearing the story so much he probably felt like he was there.

“Who was in the church?” I ask softly touching his arm.

“A woman I guess.” He says looking down at my hand then back up at me.

“Doesn't it always come down to the love of a woman?” He asks softly.

Lifting the corner of my mouth in a smile I shrug.

“I guess.”

“You can leave now. Sorry for keeping you so long.”

“It’s okay. Care to walk me out?” I ask feeling my heart jump making me blush.

“This mean I’m forgiven?”

“For now.” I say smiling.

Earning one back he holds his arm out to me. Looping my arm with his we both walk outside Damon quickly returning to Caroline and me to well myself.

Deciding I have had enough social life I call a cab home knowing it’s stupid expense but not knowing how else to get there.

I knock on Jeremy’s door yelling at him that I’m home him yelling back. Walking into my room I kick off my heels and go into the bathroom starting the process of getting ready for bed.

I dress in some shorts and a way to big t-shirt. Climbing into bed I get the weirdest feeling like something was missing. Looking around my room I took at where everything important to me is it all still in it’s correct places.

Shrugging I lay down turning off my light and get some sleep.

#vampire diaries fic #vampire diaries fanfic #vampire diares fanfiction #vampire diaries #the vampire diaries #damon fanfic #damon fanfiction #damon fic #damon imagine #damon x reader #damon x oc #damon x you #damon x y/n #Damon #damon salvatore fanfiction #damon salvatore fic #damon salvatore fanfic #damon salvatore imagine #damon salvatore x reader #damon salvarote fanfic #damon salvatore #damon salvatore x you #damon salvatore x oc #damon salvatore x y/n #vampire princess #i'm forgiven

[junktrait]

meet the simblr! i was tagged by the wonderful @highhopesforasimming and also did all 125 questions (two times bc the first time i was doing this my browser crashed YEET)! i don’t rlly have anyone to tag so uh! here we go! 

1. what is your full name? julian [redacted] [nope]. 2. what are your nicknames? jules but not enough people call me that tbh 3. birthday? [nope] 4. what is your favorite book series? agatha christie’s whole body of work 5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts? aliens yes, ghosts not rlly  6. who is your favorite author? richard siken! 7. what is your favorite radio station? i never listen to my car radio but i listen to a lot of kpop radios on spotify 8. what is your favorite flavor of anything? ARTIFICIAL CHERRY FLAVOR 9. what word would you often use to describe something great or wonderful? “cool beans” bc i am a dad from 1995 10. what is your current favorite song? mitski “your best american girl,” exo “monster,” nothing but thieves “graveyard whistling,” nct u “baby don’t stop,” studio killers “ode to the bouncer,” red velvet “butterflies” and lots more! 11. what is your favorite word? verisimilitude! the property of being real or true 12. what was the last song you listened to? “be the star” by pristin! 13. what tv show would you recommend for everyone to watch? tidying up w marie kondo & london spy! 14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? coraline and lately the incredibles 2! 15. do you play video games? in my free i’m either 1) playing video games or 2) editing video game content 16. what is your biggest fear? birds, caves, and open water 17. what is your best quality, in your opinion? i am very empathetic 18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion? i am A Big Bastard 19. do you like cats or dogs better? cats! 20. what’s your favorite season? summer/fall cusp! 21. are you in a relationship? nope. nope! n o p e r i p  22. what is something you miss from your childhood? it being acceptable to be rlly into winx club 23. who is your best friend? i have two! one from college and one i know from other stuff! 24. what is your eye color? blue! 25. what is your hair color? naturally brown but its like pink and brown rn as my purple dye fade out/roots come in 26. who is someone you love? MY CAT 27. who is someone you trust? MY CAT 28. who is someone you think about often? MY CAT 29. are you currently excited about/for something? eventually graduating college omg 30. what is your biggest obsession? kpop + video games 31. what was your favorite tv show as a child? the marvelous misadventures of flapjack BOY 32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? best friends! 33. are you superstitious? i knock on wood/glass a lot 34. do you have any unusual phobias? i mentioned ornithophobia earlier! so ig that counts 35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? behiiiiiiiind 36. what is your favorite hobby? video games. 37. what was the last book you read? kindred by octavia butler! 38. what was the last movie you watched? i just watched bohemian rhapsody last night! 39. what musical instruments do you play, if any? oof i shouldn’t rlly say that i can play the violin because i haven’t practiced in years but ig that a little. 40. what is your favorite animal? cats! big cats small cats all cats 41. what are your top 5 tumblr blogs that you follow? i rlly like bloomlet and infinityonsims! 42. what superpower do you wish you had? time stopping. 43. when and where do you feel most at peace? WHEN I AM IN BED AND UNCONSCIOUS 44. what makes you smile? anything funny 45. what sports do you play, if any? i am a fat bitch so no 46. what is your favorite drink? strawberry ramune its pink sweet and carbonated and even the bottle has Drama 47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? i cannot even remember 48. are you afraid of heights? YES. 49. what is your biggest pet peeve? just general rudeness 50. have you ever been to a concert? yep a few 51. are you vegan/vegetarian? neither! 52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? same thing i wanna be now, a writer in some capacity 53. what fictional world would you like to live in? harry potter ig! 54. what is something you worry about? everything lol 55. are you scared of the dark? less so the dark and more the things in the dark 56. do you like to sing? NOPE i can’t 57. have you ever skipped school? oh yeah 58. what is your favorite place on the planet? best friend’s house! 59. where would you like to live? tiny house. in the forest. close to town  60. do you have any pets? two dogs and two cats that live w my parents and a cat of my own! 61. are you more of an early bird or night owl? night owl. 62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunset 63. do you know how to drive? yes and i love it 64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones 65. have you ever had braces? yep! 66. what is your favorite genre of music? kpop and alternative! 67. who is your hero? my bff’s parents! they’ve lived their lives in ways i want to! 68. do you read comic books? yeah a few! 69. what makes you the most angry? dani said it best TERFS 70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or a real book? real book always 71. what is your favorite subject in school? english! 72. do you have any siblings? yep 73. what was the last thing you bought? statistically, fast food 74. how tall are you? 5″4 shut up 75. can you cook? yeah! 76. what are three things that you love? lavender, fried chicken, being gay 77. what are three things that you hate? waking up, being tired, PEOPLE TALKING IN MOVIES 78. do you have more female friends or male friends? female! 79. what is your sexual orientation? i’m bi baby 80. where do you currently live? usa! 81. who was the last person you texted? bff! 82. when was the last night you cried? oh idk 83. who is your favorite youtuber? rn rtgame! 84. do you like to take selfies? not rlly tbh 85. what is your favorite app? just my pure usage time spotify or twitter but my actual fave is a lil dress up app called pastel girl 86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like? bad! 87. what is your favorite foreign accent? some form of european idk 88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but want to visit? japan! 89. what is your favorite number? eight 90. can you juggle? nope 91. are you religious? nOPE 92. do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? space! 93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? nah 94. are you allergic to anything? i think a specific type of sunscreen 95. can you curl your tongue? nope 96. can you wiggle your ears? nope 97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something? i will as long as it wasn’t my parents 98. do you prefer the forest or beach? FOREST beach sucks 99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? “be gay do crimes” 100. are you a good liar? moderately good i think. 101. what is your hogwarts house? hufflepuff! 102. do you talk to yourself? nah and i hate when people do 103. are you an introvert or extrovert? introvert 104. do you keep a journal/diary? nope, not committed enough and it gets depressing 105. do you believe in second chances? usually yeah but obv if its rlly severe than no 106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? return it bc 1) i’d be afraid of getting caught 2) i wouldn’t want to accidentally take money from someone who needed it 107. do you believe people are capable of change? ehhhhh 108. are you ticklish? yep unfortunately  109. have you ever been on a plane? mhmm! 110. do you have any piercings? just my ears  111. what fictional character do you wish was real? HAL JORDAN 112. do you have any tattoos? not yet! 113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? coming out probs 114. do you believe in karma? not cosmically but if you are enough of an asshole its gonna disadvantage you eventually 115. do you wear glasses/contacts? yep 116. do you want children? nope 117. who is the smartest person you know? i’m the biggest smartass i know does that count 118. what is your most embarrassing memory? every one? 119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter? yeah all the time 120. what color are most of your clothes? dark w majority black  121. do you like adventures? not rlly tbh. or up to a point 122. have you ever been on tv? probably not 123. how old are you? over 18! (sorry i’ve been very vague i’ve just gotten over sharing personal information!) 124. what is your favorite quote? “some days in late august at home are like this, the air thin and eager like this, with something in it sad and nostalgic and familiar” - the sound and the fury 125. do you prefer sweet or savory foods? i like both equally!

#i'm still so mad i had to do this twice bc fucking opera CRASHED #ty ty tho dani! and this motivated me to make a simself sjdfksdf #ts4

[curewhimsy]

Dream Palace Summary

Dream Palace is an upcoming story about what I dream about at night. Dreams are surreal, magical, funny, and often scary, just like this story. My OC, Pastell Rain, will be playing the role of me!

Each chapter or so, Pastell gets a new crush on an adult woman who’s way out of her league. It always ends when Pastell realizes they already have someone!

Pastell is only 14 in this story, and in 10th grade. Usually in my dreams, I’m a kid who goes to school or summer camp.

Pastell may also switch to her 20-year-old form as well, if she does end up with one of her 18+ adult crushes. This is to make it less creepy and awkward.

But given the nature of the story, Pastell may not end up with any of her crushes anyway.

This story takes place in an alternate version of Whimsica that exists in the Realm of Dreams.

Kimi, nicknamed “Missouri”, is an imaginary friend I dreamed of as a child. Why her name is Missouri, nobody knows.

The story starts on a dark, rainy morning. Pastell is on the school bus with Missouri. The school bus is old and beat up.

Along with Pastell, two obnoxious boys are on the bus. Their names are Inky and Marker. They might be dating, who knows.

Then all of a sudden, the bus goes through a roller coaster. Roller coasters are recurring subjects in my dreams and often they take me to school. They’re never fun in the dreams, they’re only scary and make me nauseous.

Pastell talks to a girl named Bess, but doesn’t make friends with her because Pastell is awkward. Bess as a character is a homage to my grandmother who passed away during my childhood.

Pastell has to go to gym class. For some reason we’re running laps at the mall. Except the mall is scary and filled with booby traps. And suddenly Pastell starts running very slowly, because in dreams you just can’t seem to run fast.

Pastell pops into a peculiar shop and she finds a pretty scepter that catches her eye. She gets it for free because she shop couldn’t seem to sell it, and it was bringing them bad luck.

Little did she know, the scepter was magic.

At lunch time, there was no more mac and cheese, so Pastell had to get the icky pizza that was greasy and looked like it had pimples (and tasted like it too.)

The lunch lady always yelled and cooked her food in a giant volcano. As dessert, Pastell got lava cookies. She sits next to Missouri, Bess, Camille, Inky, Marker, and... Claudia! Her love!

Claudia had beautiful coral-colored hair that elegantly cascaded down her neck and back and... gee. Maybe I said too much.

Then, Pastell has boring economy class with boring Mr. Oguchi. He was so boring that after listening to him for 2 seconds, he’d sound like an adult from “Peanuts”.

Oguchi meant “small mouth” in Japanese, but Ooguchi, with an elongated “o” sound, meant big mouth. Everyone called him Mr. Bigmouth, along with his obnoxious son, Renta Oguchi.

Next, Pastell has math class. She can’t find the room in her school, because in dreams, you’re always lost and have anxiety. Or is that just me? At least Pastell had the class with Claudia, which is strange because Claudia is 24 and Pastell is 14...

Pastell runs into the strict teacher Ms. Dolce (Aria) who leads her back to class. Pastell befriends Bess.

Marker runs out of the room gagging because he ate pizza from the gym floor and got sick. Newsflash, he’s going to do this a lot. That’s called a “running gag”. But this time, it’s literal.

Now Inky is sad because Marker had is sick and isn’t there anymore. Those guys are always together. He starts howling at the moon.

Then, Ms. Scherzando (Octavia), the fun teacher, walks in the room and tells the class they were having a pop field trip, which was kind of like a pop quiz except it was a field trip.

It turns out that the field trip was a cruise to the islands near Whimsica’s equator. And it’s required.

Pastell’s overprotective parents go with her.

As the bus goes to the cruise port, it goes through another roller coaster. Marker comes back because his stomach ache is gone, and Inky hugs him and have a very touching moment. Ms. Dolce rolls her eyes, to hide the fact she was crying.

Also, I took my cat Scout with me on the cruise.

A wave crashes through the window on our cruise room so Pastell goes for an outing.

Missouri and Pastell go to the book store.

That evening, Pastell is on the pool deck again. Claudia sits down next to Pastell and says hello. Pastell suddenly can’t talk right, because sometimes in dreams I can’t talk.

Suddenly Claudia suggests she and Pastell play hide-and-seek. Pastell agrees, but wishes Claudia suggested a game where they can spend time together.

Claudia hides, but then Pastell can’t find her. She suddenly dons an explorer’s hat and an epic adventure soundtrack, and decides to search the whole 27-floor ship through. Too bad Pastell is afraid of everything.

On one floor, floor 22, there’s no electricity and Pastell sees a ghost. She runs and curls into a ball, accepting her fate, when suddenly Bianca shows up and Pastell feels like she’s saved.

There’s a flashback of how Pastell and Bianca meet.

During dodgeball, Bianca protected Pastell from a ball to the face by running in front of her and blocking the ball. Afterwards, Bianca shyly goes up to Pastell asking to be friends. Before she can let it out, a dodgeball hits her in the back and she starts crying. Pastell takes her to the nurse’s office.

It turns out Bianca went to floor 22 whenever she could, to feed the ghosts. Pastell asks if they eat souls. Bianca says no, it turns out that the ghosts eat candy! The ghosts are glowing and squishy-looking and had no legs. Pastell realizes they’re kind of cute.

Pastell realizes that Missouri’s ballet recital is coming up, and she has to find Claudia quick.

They go to a number of other weird floors.

On floor 20, there’s a place that looked like a dream land. There’s a rainbow bridge, a floating pink cookie to ride on, and a swimming pool filled with clear soda.

Pastell and Bianca meet Joy on this floor, which she said was her secret floor.

Pastell and the others decide to just go to Missouri’s dance recital.

In Pastell’s room, her mom starts showing Bianca and Joy her embarrassing baby pictures and telling the, her embarrassing secrets.

During the ballet recital, there was a Cinderella play. Cinderella was played by Reina and the prince was... Claudia!?

Then at the end, Reina and Claudia kiss, and Pastell feels her chance to be with Claudia slip away.

Afterwards, Pastell, Missouri, Joy, Bianca, Bess, Camille, Claudia, and Reina hang out at a restaurant on the cruise ship. They go outside and night and see a gigantic moon in the night sky with a huge terrifying face. (Which is kind of like the moon from Zelda: Majora’s Mask.)

Though scared, they decide to ignore the strange object in the sky and have a big sleepover in a Pastell’s room!

Going to her room, there are two kids in the hallway. One kid says “Put it in the elegant cup.” The other kid says “You mean the elephant cup?”

The next day, there’s swim lessons at the resort. The moon in the sky is a little bit bigger, hinting in on impending doom...

There’s a huge pool that’s around 20 feet deep. Pastell tries to improve her swimming, when she comes across a girl who can swim and dive very well. Her name is Lucille White and she becomes Pastell’s new crush! Now Pastell wants to improve her swimming to impress her senpai.

Then there’s locker room antics with Lucille and her girlfriend (unknown to Pastell), Iris. I guess you can call it ecchi but with adult characters only. Things get a little PG-13. Hey, I sometimes dream about this stuff. Gotta keep it true to my dreams.)

Next day, the ship stops at an island. We take a long walk down an island path, and then take a boat ride. During the boat ride, Bianca’s friend Pepper’s head gets knocked off. She’s still alive, only headless. We now have to look for her head.

Eventually Pastell catches Lucille and Iris kissing, thus ending her second love.

That night, they stay at a sea hotel that rises out of the ocean. There’s purple dolphins, and that scary moon in the sky is even bigger.

Also staying at the hotel, is our favorite monster-fighting marine biologist, Rhona Aequor. Pastell wakes up in the middle of the night and takes a walk since she can’t sleep. She sees Rhona fight a monster outside and falls in love. When she realizes how much she knows about marine life, she falls in love even more!

The next day, the terrifying moon is EVEN BIGGER in the sky. Everyone plays video games together to distract themselves, but then the video game gives us a prophecy that the moon the end the world. It then tells us that we can save it with a scepter and some courage. Remember the scepter Pastell got at the beginning of the story?

Then, with a goal of somehow saving the world, Pastell and friends end up at a tall tower on the top of a mountain where we can somehow combat the moon if it falls any closer. A bunch of strong wizards have gathered around and even their spells can’t affect it.

Pastell feels like she can’t do it, but then Camille starts giving a speech about believing in oneself. It gets so dramatic, that she starts playing the electric guitar in the middle of the speech. Camille says that she just believed she could play the guitar, and now suddenly she could.

You can do anything if you try. Too bad the moon is going to fall in about 30 seconds.

Then suddenly, by believing in herself, Bianca stops the moon right in her tracks, just by believing in herself!

Pastell starts chanting randomness and gains the ability to fly over the moon, and with her magic scepter, she shatters it. The moon is like a giant piñata and it rains stuffed animals as Pastell falls with them back to the ground.

Camille, who was playing the electric guitar, provides the climatic music for the scene.

Then, to celebrate, the next day everyone hangs out at a huge water park. They party until night, by then, someone dumped hot dogs in the main pool (probably either Inky or Marker), so Pastell goes to the hot tub. Then, she sees Rhona! Pastell tells Rhona that she admires her bravery, and she was part of the inspiration Pastell had to become strong and to shatter the moon. Rhona praises Pastell and they bond. But suddenly, Rhona’s girlfriend, Nagisa comes in, and start making out in front of Pastell.

Oh no! Pastell’s third love is also unattainable.

The next day, we go to the island’s airport in order to fly back home. The airport is huge and everyone gets lost. There’s a lot of stores and gift shops there, however, and everyone has a shopping spree.

Pastell as to say goodbye to Rhona and Nagisa, and go back to daily school life.

Instead of a plane taking us home, there’s actually a big hot air balloon. And how do we get to it? Through another roller-coaster.

After we return home, we learn that a Dissonance is opening up near our home. A Dissonance is like a Mystery Dungeon from PMD. It’s like a cursed labyrinth that doesn’t have a fixed interior. It’s maze always changes, and once you find yourself in one, it’s possible to be lost for days.

The Dissonance already claimed lives. It’s named Tragic Woods.

It turns out that Pastell didn’t go to one of her classes for a month, and she fails that class. She has overdue books from the school library. Then she fails a test, gets last place on an art contest, and missed an assignment. Pastell gets sad because of her bad day and goes to the school’s counselor to talk. Except now the school is huge and 69 stories high for some reason. Yes, 69.

That night Pastell watches magical girl anime with her friends and sleeps over.

The next day is fairly normal, but still wacky, because this IS based on my dreams. Pastell and her family go shopping and see a bunch of giant stuffed animals at the store. Then Pastell accidentally flies in someone’s big pot of lasagna. It took them three days to make that lasagna.

Pastell runs away and discovers a secret room behind the grocery store where there’s a lot of video games, and if you win, you get stuffed animal prizes.

That night, we get introduced to Sumi. She and Reina end up getting stuck at the bottom of a strangely placed slope in the grocery store. They argue a lot at first, but then Reina ends up seeing that Sumi has a dream in life. Reina sacrifices herself so that Sumi can get out, because only one person was able to get out. Reina wants Sumi to be able to fulfill her dreams, because Reina is a pessimist with no dreams and thinks Sumi deserves to live more than she does. Reina has to stay at the bottom of the slope, possibly until her death. This is a tearful parting and sacrifice.

Then, Reina just anticlimactically gets found by a worker the next morning and gets saved.

The next night, there’s a chorus recital. Since when was Pastell in chorus, anyway? Well, for now, she’s stuck in a storage room while the performance is going to start. Pastell is only able to get out by pretending she is Mario and jumping out of the small exit.

Then, Pastell gets to become a school idol. She forms a group of nine. The group is Pastell, Bianca, Joy, Camille, Missouri, Bess, Ruby, Emi, and Connie.

While they’re practicing in a parking lot at night, one of the cars goes haywire. It starts spinning around erratically and bumping into everything. Everyone runs away, because the car could potentially run them over. It becomes known as the “Killer Car of Tragic Woods”, even though it never is physically inside the Dissonance, but rather in the surrounding town of Mushroom Forest. Now, there’s an erratic killer car that could potentially be anywhere in town and could run you over if you’re not paying attention. Everyone now has to avoid being alone, and has to keep a lookout for the car before it kills them.

Eventually, the car gets in the school library while Pastell is there. Pastell panics and climbs the bookshelf to stay safe. Then, she goes to the Chinese restaurant (possibly the Meng family’s restaurant from the other story), and the car follows her there.

Pastell runs away from the car and ends up in the expanding Tragic Woods. Pastell is now lost all alone in a Dissonance. She’s terrified and this is her first time being in one. There’s monsters in there.

Suddenly, she is saved by a monster-hunting princess named Celestine, who’s going to be Pastell’s fourth love...

Celestine then gives Pastell an Escape Orb. Basically it lets her escape from the Dissonance by going high in the air. Pastell ends up going over all the trees, to high altitude. By then, it’s night. She then falls all the way to Earth, being so high up she can see the sun rising from the other side of the world.

Pastell hits the water, causes a tsunami of a splash, and goes down under at least 300 feet. She “dies” and somehow wakes up in the nurse’s office and got told she had surgery.

Pastell doesn’t know how much of that scenario was a dream, or if it even was a dream at all. And if it was a dream, then when exactly did it start?

This causes a mystery. Is Celestine even real? Pastell’s fourth love could just be a figment of her imagination...

That night Pastell is in her backyard and she drops her iPad and it rolls away into the woods. (How an iPad can roll, I don’t know.)

She runs after it in the woods until it falls in a giant drain pipe. Pastell goes in the drain pipe as well to retrieve her precious iPad. But the drain pipe leads to some sort of dark maze and the only quick way out is through a roller coaster. A dark, scary, creaky, old, one-person roller-coaster.

Pastell is terrified but rides it anyway. She comes out in the middle of the polluted, industrial city. Great, now she’s lost again. Then she meets an elf named Alvarina who is also lost. They have an adventure together to get out of the industrial city, that involves riding a giant chicken. There’s still the danger of The Car, however, which could be anywhere. Pastell falls in love with Alvarina, who is a beautiful singer and very pretty.

Eventually, Pastell finds out that Celestine is real. But get this, she’s dating Alvarina!

Her fourth AND fifth loves are now over too!

And, that’s all I have for now.

#my writing #dream palace #whimsica #pastell rain #pastell’s Dream diary #life of pastell

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Chapter 60: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 60/67 Word Count: 2945 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where Clarke takes care of Bellamy.

A/N: I want to put an author’s note, but no spoilers, so just go read the end note on AO3 after you’re done reading this?

Also on AO3;  Start from the beginning on AO3

When Bellamy refused to go home with them, Clarke followed him home instead. Hiding from his feelings was easier said than done when she would barely leave his apartment. She was there in the morning, in between her classes, and even stopped by to make him dinner most nights. After the second night he found her sleeping on the couch, he thought he could convince her to leave by reminding her that she had finals soon. She was barely gone for an hour when she showed up again with the rest of her books and took over the coffee table.

Harper regarded the whole thing with a quiet amusement that she refused to explain. Miller, however, was more than a little offended by Clarke’s constant presence. One morning, she overheard Miller’s muttering, so she sat him down. When she pointed out that it wasn’t Miller that she didn’t trust, it was Bellamy, because he wouldn’t ask for help if he needed it, they worked out shifts. Bellamy was stuck listening from the couch. They ignored him no matter how much he protested.

Really, it wasn’t the smothering he had to endure from them that was the worst part. The worst part was how whenever Clarke was ‘on shift’, she was almost always in his personal space. Sometimes, she was barely within three inches of his face and it drove him crazy. She would show up in the morning to change the wraps on his wrist and ribs, removing the bandages before his shower and putting them back on before he got dressed.

After a few days, it was harder to convince himself that he imagined the way her fingers would linger on his bare skin as she worked with the wraps or the way he heard her breath catch when he would shrug out of his shirt or the way she would blush until he was fully clothed again.

Two weeks after the accident, Bellamy’s wrist usually felt okay, the stitches were taken out of his cheek and the cut had mostly healed, but his ribs still hurt like a bitch. It had been easier to wear button-ups all the time (they were much easier to get on and off), but he wanted to get another reaction out of Clarke so he could work on gauging her feelings. Getting a t-shirt over his head had been… a challenge. It only took twenty minutes, though, and he thought it would be worth the pain.

Clarke showed up almost immediately after Miller and Harper had left for the day. Bellamy sat on the couch with his feet propped up on the table, still in sweats, because he didn’t want to be too obvious. He heard Clarke scoff behind him and looked up to find her glaring down at the back of his head.

“Um, what are you wearing?”

Her reaction was almost exactly what he had hoped for. He couldn’t hide his grin. “That kind of dirty talk is usually more effective over the phone.” He tried to set his hands behind his head casually, but it pulled at his ribs, so he gave up.

Clarke scoffed again as though she noticed his fumble and moved around the couch. “Shut up, Bellamy.” Her bag dropped heavily on the floor and she sat down next to him, pulling her phone out of her purse. “Apparently, Miller and I need to have a discussion about you dressing yourself.”

Bellamy leaned over and snaked the phone out of her hand. “I am a twenty-six-year-old man, Princess. I can dress myself.”

She grabbed her phone back. “Obviously you can’t.”

“Isn’t it time to swap out my wrap so I can shower?” He tried to take her phone again, but she raised it above her head and leaned back.

“Fine.” She smirked at him as she dropped her phone back into her purse. “Take off your shirt.”

Bellamy winced, remembering how hard it had been to get the shirt on in the first place. He smiled weakly. “Can you help? This was sort of difficult to get on.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, but smiled and gestured for him to stand with her. As soon as she set her hands at the base of his shirt, she definitely started to blush. It started along her cheekbones, then it hit the tops of her ears, and Bellamy felt his own face flush in return. He was grateful that she was too busy studying his torso to notice.

In the end, it was just as painful to get the shirt off as it had been to get it on in the first place, but it was much more satisfying. He was grateful for the pain, because it allowed him to focus on her movements instead of how she felt. The way she blushed, the way her fingers trailed along his skin, the way the almost non-existent space between them hummed all had him in a dangerous place, but he enjoyed the way she gently maneuvered his arms to try to avoid causing him more pain. The way she kept muttering under her breath about ‘just cutting the fucking thing off’ gave him images of ripped clothing and… and he had to stop that line of thought, even if it made the whole thing worth the pain.

The night before, he had planned to say something witty if she started blushing, but words failed him as she gently fixed his hair, a slight frown appearing on her face. Concern colored her face as the blush disappeared and he could only watch, savoring her light touch as she worked at the bandage around his chest and waist. She frowned harder with each revealed inch of the purple and yellow bruise and he wanted to make her feel better. He hated being something that made her sad and he wanted to try to make a joke, see her laugh, because that was better.

“Okay,” she spoke before he had a chance. “Get in the shower and I’ll start making some french toast. Sound good?”

Bellamy nodded, flexing his hands instead of touching her as she lingered in his space. When she still hadn’t moved, he grinned at her. “You sure you don’t want to come and help with my pants, too?”

Clarke laughed, even though he could see her blush start to appear again. “No. Now go away. You smell bad.”

He pouted at her until she laughed again and pushed him toward the bathroom. Even if a part of him wouldn’t mind the help with the jeans, the joke had served its purpose of breaking the tension. Before he closed the bathroom door, he could hear her humming in the kitchen while she grabbed things out of the cupboards.

Bellamy showered as quickly as he could, eager to get back out and soak up some more of her time. He threw a towel around his waist to run to his room for new clothes. As he threw on a button-up shirt, he toyed with the buttons for a moment before he opted to leave it open.

His confidence in his theory that maybe she might have a crush on him soared when she set a place down in front of him with exactly the right amount of syrup and powdered sugar, even though she frowned at him again.

“I’ll go grab my stuff so I can wrap you back up. Why didn’t you call me into the bathroom?”

“Come on.” He grabbed her hand before she could get past him, pulling her to a halt. “I can survive for fifteen more minutes without that stupid bandage.”

Clarke eyed him again. “Can we at least button your shirt? Even temporarily?”

“No way.” He squeezed her hand before he dropped it and turned back toward his plate. “You know I’m a messy eater. Now eat, Princess You’re too damn skinny.”

She rolled her eyes, but he thought she looked pleased. They ate in silence. Bellamy would have made conversation about the day ahead of them, but anything she ever made for breakfast was way too good to be interrupted by words. It was too good to be bothered with walking all the way to a table.

Once their plates were empty and in the sink, he followed her obediently and sat down on the couch again. She frowned and blushed simultaneously when he shrugged out of his shirt, but made quick work of covering the offending bruise.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked as she knotted the bandage by his sternum and tested to make sure it wasn’t too tight.

“You know you can ask me anything.”

“You never told me why you left that night.”

Bellamy blinked, nervous. “That isn’t really a question.”

Clarke sat down on the coffee table and started packing up her bag again. “Why did you leave, Bellamy?”

The hurt leaked into her voice and Bellamy’s heart twisted, but he hesitated in his seat. She had finished packing up, but she wasn’t looking at him. He suddenly felt stupid and immature, because he hadn’t apologized. He’d just used the situation to try to figure things out, because he thought she might…. The air left his lungs when she finally looked up at him, eyes were red and watery.

“We were looking for you, you know. When we got the call.”

“O mentioned that,” Bellamy said quietly.

“Why did you leave?”

“Why does it matter?” He didn’t know why he couldn’t just apologize, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Because I missed you!” Bellamy jumped back at her shout. Clarke’s fists clenched around the strap of her bag and she closed her eyes tightly. “I wanted… you disappeared for a month—”

“School got busy. I texted you every single day.”

“For a month! It went from seeing you every day… hanging out and doing homework together and getting takeout and watching movies to nothing. Overnight! And then the next time I saw you, you were in….” Her voice cracked and she trailed off, covering her face with her hands.

Of course, she was angry. Bellamy felt sick. He was angry at himself for being so nonchalant about a car crash, thinking he could brush it off and make things better when she felt that way. He pushed himself off of the couch to kneel in front of her, setting one hand on her knee and brushing her hair back behind her ear with the other. “Hey. Clarke. Hey, I’m okay.”

Even though she leaned into his touch, she refused to look at him. “I can see that.” She sniffed. “But don’t you get what it was like for me. And for Octavia?”

“Clarke, I’m so so—”

“Bellamy, don’t apologize. Just tell me why. Stop evading the question, because the more you do, the more I think you left because of me.”

“I did,” fell out of him in a whisper before he could stop it.

Her head whipped up. “What?”

Bellamy couldn’t look at her. He settled both hands on her knees, then slid them down to her calves as he searched for the words. “I saw you talking to Lexa.”

“So you left.”

“We all know she’s not my biggest fan.” He pulled his hands away to run them through his hair, leaning back on his heels. “I didn’t want to ruin it if you guys were getting back together.” He paused, but Clarke didn’t say anything, so the words kept falling out. “Are you guys? Getting back together, I mean. She can’t be happy that you’re over here helping me all the time. I mean, she hates me.”

Clarke still didn’t say anything, so he glanced up to see her staring at him, face unreadable. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before any words came out. “I’m not…. Are you jealous?”

For a moment, it looked like she might laugh and Bellamy could feel his ears heating up. “No. No way. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, okay?”

“Really? You don’t want to have to paint my nails again, right?”

“What? No. I’d do—That’s not the point, Clarke. The whole thing—”

“I know what the whole thing was.” She sighed. “It was disappointing and I wish it had turned out differently.”

“So, you’re giving the relationship another chance?”

“That’s not what I said.”

All of the different possibilities spun through Bellamy’s head and it almost gave him a headache. “So, you’re not giving it another chance.”

“Lexa wasn’t asking for another chance, Bellamy. She wanted to get coffee and catch up. We’ve been emailing for a while.” Bellamy narrowed his eyes and she rolled hers in response. “Sometimes exes are friendly.”

Bellamy scoffed. “No, they’re not.”

“What about Finn and Raven?”

“Fluke. They’ve known each other since they were kids. He’s her family and she can’t exactly get rid of him. Next.”

Clarke crossed her arms. “You and Gina are friends.”

“That’s another fluke. And we’re friendly, not friends. We don’t hang out on our own. Next.”

“I don’t get you!” She threw her hands up in the air. “Why are we arguing about this? What are you doing?”

“Damn it, Clarke. It was stupid. I overreacted and I left and it was raining too hard for that guy to stop in time. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you and that I didn’t get to be there for you, because I’m supposed to be there for you. All the time. The whole thing was fucked up and it was my fault, not yours. I missed you so much and when I saw you talking to her, I got scared. I did something stupid.”

She blinked at him, her brow furrowed. “You missed me?”

“God, really?” He surged back up onto his knees and ran his hands up her arms. “Of course I did. I… you’re my best friend. I hated not seeing you.”

She grabbed onto his sleeves, gripping them tightly so he couldn’t sit back without pulling her down, too. “So tell me why you did it. What did I do wrong? Were you avoiding me?”

Bellamy had no idea why she wouldn’t drop it. He didn’t know how to answer her question without giving away his feelings, so he waited. He expected her to fill the silence, but she just stared at him, waiting him out instead. The longer the silence stretched, the sadder she looked. The more scared she looked.

But then her gaze flicked down toward his lips and time stopped. He glanced down as she licked her lips. When he looked into her eyes again, fear had been replaced by something else. Maybe confusion, maybe curiosity, he couldn’t decide. It was one of the first times he felt like he had no idea what was on her mind, so when she glanced down at his lips again, every coherent thought deserted him.

Only a few inches separated them. He didn’t have to lean forward much to kiss her. It was careful, barely a brush of the lips, because as he did it, the only thought he could grasp onto was that she would absolutely kick his ass if he read the situation wrong. And she tensed up, so he started to pull away, ready to apologize again, but then her hands were in his hair and she pulled him back.

Her kiss was almost as cautious as his had been. Her lips were soft and everything else he had ever felt in his life was suddenly nothing by comparison. He wanted more. He wanted everything. She was everything and nothing else mattered. His hands moved to cup her face of their own volition and he tilted his head, just barely, but it was enough to deepen the kiss. It pulled a small moan from Clarke, which killed any sense of self control he had, because it couldn’t be real. He needed to be closer. He slid his hands down her back, over her hips, down her legs. When they reached her knees again, he pulled her into his chest.

Too hard. The sudden contact hurt and he winced. It was enough to break Clarke out of whatever reverie she had been in and she jumped up from the table so fast that she bumped into him again. He fell back onto his ass and she slung her bag over her shoulder.

“Clarke—”

“Bellamy, don’t. This was….”

He jumped up and stepped in front of her, pulling his hands back when she flinched away. “Clarke, please. Talk to me about this.”

She rubbed her face with her hands as tears welled up in her eyes again. “I can’t. You want to talk about flukes? That was a fluke.”

It took all of his self-control not to reach out to her again. Instead, he tried to keep himself together while his heart fell apart in his chest, because she had kissed him back and he didn’t understand what was happening. He didn’t understand why she was changing her mind. “If it was a fluke, why did you kiss me back?”

“It was a mistake. You’re my best friend and I missed you and it was a mistake, okay?”

Bellamy stared into her eyes. The fear and pain that he felt was running through Clarke as well and he knew in that moment that if he pushed, he might never get to kiss her again, so he stepped to the side and flinched when the door slammed shut.

“It wasn’t a mistake,” he muttered to the empty room.

#bellarke fanfiction #bellarke #modern au #sometimes i can't see myself #my work #erin writes

[dreamsreblogs]

Tagged by: @quatral

Rules: Tag nine people (yeah that’s not happening lol)

Relationship status: What’s a relationship? hahaha *sobbing*

Favorite color: Probably a light desaturated purple right now, but I love a few specific shades of pretty much every color

Pets: Until very recently I had a black cat named Lewis; he was 15 when he passed away unexpectedly. We still have his brother, a grey tabby named Jake - and recently got a white-with-black-spots half-pit puppy named Octavia (Tavi for short). 

Wake up:  Recently I’ve been getting up around 10:30. I am not, never have been, and probably never WILL be, an early riser. 

Cats or dogs:  Cats. Absolutely cats. I like dogs, but they’re harder and have so much energy and I have no idea what they’re thinking at any given point in time. I know cats like I know myself.

Coke or Pepsi: Coke. Pepsi has always tasted gross to me *shrug*

Day or Night:  Night. The dark is calm and quiet and easier on the eyes. I can walk around and not feel like people are watching me. And I get all my best ideas at night - drawing is easier at night. 

Text or call: That depends. Communication is so much easier to me over a call - but texting is so much less stressful if it’s someone I need to be careful around (and not sound like an idiot to). I’d rather text bosses / coworkers / student peers, but call friends and family I guess?

Chapstick or lipstick:  Neither. I low-key wish I knew of a lipstick color that wouldn’t look stupid on me, but since I don’t really wear makeup it’d probably stick out no matter what, and I’d feel like a fool experimenting. Especially since it’s expensive. As for chapstick, I wear it when I have to, but for the most part I don’t like the oily feel of it.

City or country: Country. I like the quiet, and the stars at night. The bugs (praying mantises! milipedes! damselfies! lacewings!), the plants, and the freedom to be outside without feeling observed (usually). I could lay mostly naked in a hammock in the windy shade on a hot day if I wanted to! Without having to worry about someone being disgusted by my fat haha

Last book I read:  Oh god I’m not sure. I go through like, waves, of wanting to read, and having zero interest in reading. The most recent wave, all I’ve read is fanfics. Before that I went through another dystopia craze, but got peeved off with like 4 different series and never finished any of them. I can’t actually remember what the last book I finished was... the last book I STARTED reading was Steven King’s Insomnia (which, I’ve read before). It was on my desk by my bed and I read the first chapter a few weeks ago. 

Last song i listened to:  Shostakovich’s Waltz #2 - which sounds incredibly pretentious xD I’ve been putting together playlists for the bot on a discord server, though, and was just listening to random stuff to see what I wanted to add.

Five facts about me:

1. I sometimes have weirdly vivid and comprehensive dreams. Like, to the point where when I tell people about them, they often think I must have consciously added details or plot points after-the-fact. I do often use dreams as inspiration for most of what I write or draw, but when I tell my dreams as-is, they ARE as-is. Honestly, unconscious me is a much better, much more detail focused story teller than I could hope to be while awake. I can’t take the credit.  2. I will absolutely always want to talk about headcanons and OCs for Harry Potter, Starwars, and Pokemon. Those three are my favorite universes- there’s so much leeway to do your own thing, but within interesting context. Talk to me about wand-cores and what your animagus form and patronuses would be. Tell me what race your jedi/padawan is and what color your light saber is and what your ship is like. Tell me all about your pokemon team and how you got into training and what you carry in your pack. I looooveeee themmmmm 3. I live within 4 hours of Canada - but I’ve never been there; the only time I’ve ever been out of the country, I went to Beijing China for two weeks. Also despite having traveled as far as China - I’ve never even been to the ocean.  4.  I come across as really weirdly ‘random’ sometimes, but I think it’s mostly due to an incredibly short attention span. If I have a thought, it’s like I HAVE to follow that new thread. I’ll do this thing where, like, for example - my mom might say “Hey look a butterfly!” and I’ll look up and see this little white butterfly - so I’ll say “oh yeah!”... but then immediately my brain is off - that butterfly reminds me of a monarch we named Karma that we saved from a random summer hail storm - which makes me think about hail, which makes me think about bad weather in general, which reminds me of that time we lived in the trailer park and there was a tornado, and I was really afraid of tornadoes as a kid but one day I found a rock with a tornado pattern on it and I let myself believe it was a talisman that would protect me, but isn’t just “Letting yourself believe something” kind of weird? That gets me thinking about beliefs and religion, which gets me thinking about “okay but what sparked the big bang” and “what if that was the launching of our quantum “program” and higher dimensional beings are our “God”? Which just gets me thinking about the 4th dimension in general and trying to understand it. So I ask my mom “Do you ever think about the 4th dimension?”... but from her point of view the entire interaction was “Hey look a butterfly!” “Oh yeah!” *10 second pause* “Do you ever think about the 4th dimension?” I’m sure it seems less weird over the internet- firstly y’all don’t know what else might have drawn my attention to that new thought (did the tv mention it? did I see a post on my dashboard?), and also it’s probably pretty a fairly common thing anyway- but people irl have expressed a lot of confusion over how I flit from one thing to the next like that. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to backtrack and explain how I got from a song on the radio to that time I found a lightening bug in the grass with my peripheral vision when it only had really dim residual glow and hadn’t even flashed and how weird peripheral vision is in general, for example. 5. I get really upset or defensive if I’m feeling like I’m being misunderstood; especially if someone is telling me ‘how I feel’ or ‘what I think’ and I disagree. My point can be entirely irrelevant, but if I can’t get it across, I get really frustrated with myself. I’ll try to rephrase it a million times just desperately trying to be understood, but the more flustered I am, the less good I am with my words - and to the other person it looks like I’m just being bull headed about the point they THINK I’m making and repeating it over and over. If the argument ends and they still think I meant something I didn’t, I get really self-conscious of what they must think of me as a person, and will probably assume they never want to talk to me again and will tell all their friends about how awful I am. Sometimes I’ll apologize, but I can’t erase the mental image of them judging me for something I never even thought when I talk to them, so when I do, I often try to explain AGAIN at that point in time... and usually that gets them upset again. So usually I don’t apologize at all. But I also don’t usually try to go on as if nothing happened either, because I get all wrapped up in myself and become sure they hate me, so I don’t talk to them at all unless they talk to me first, or it’s been long enough for me to forget it happened (eg. at least a year). So... if we get into an argument where I’ve repeated myself a lot and then I stopped talking to you: I’m not ignoring you because I’m mad, I’m assuming you hate me and am afraid to talk to you any more because you might just be tolerating me (someone you hate and wish would stop talking to you) because you’re nice.  

Tagging:

idk, @just-to-express-not-impress and @sonicega and @tuftyfluff Pretty sure everyone else I’d like to tag was already tagged by Quatral, or wouldn’t be interested in doing one of these anyway

#long post #about me #tag thing

[adhduck]

Share the Crown (It’s Lighter That Way)

(AO3)

The term princess did not begin as a form of endearment towards Clarke. In fact, Bellamy first used it as an insult, a way to mock her back when the greatest thrill he got was fighting her. But she grew – they both did – and the name died almost as quickly as it started. Bellamy hadn’t used it in months on end, hadn’t even thought it in nearly as long.

           Then he said it. He asked Clarke – now his partner, his best friend – what was coming next, and he called her princess, without even realizing it. She gave him a look when he did, and he caught the slightest smirk when she replied, but otherwise she didn’t comment on it, then or after. Like it wasn’t a big deal.

           Which it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t, it was just a word, just a nickname. Just a memory, of a burning bridge and Clarke’s wide eyes meeting his; just the realization of how much they had grown, and how different those two syllables felt on his tongue now than they had then. She was no longer the privileged princess who took charge over a world she didn’t know. She had become a queen in waiting, determined to protect her kingdom with every ounce of energy left in her body.

           And he loved her.

How they managed to lose Jaha within five minutes of stopping the rover, Bellamy couldn’t say. He also couldn’t say, however, that he minded. Even with the increased proximity he and Clarke had been granted as of late, Bellamy had missed her; missed just being with her.

           They deigned to wait a little while before looking before Jaha, since the rover was the safest guard they had until they reached home and searching for the old man would require going on foot. Together they sat on the hood of the rover (Bellamy still with his gun, just in case), looking at the trees in the dying light and the almost purplish glow they created. It was quiet—oddly so.

           “You hear that?” Bellamy said, sitting up straighter and pretending not to notice when his fingers brushed over Clarke’s. “No insects.”

           Clarke straightened, too. “Odd.” Then something out of Bellamy’s vision caught her eye, and she hopped off the rover, heading into a thick grove.

           He followed her close behind, worry growing in his stomach until he realized she was just looking at a patch of glowing moss—no, not moss, he realized. Butterflies. A cluster of them, all illuminated bright purple, fluttering their wings uncertainly as Clarke reached out a finger to touch them.

           “They’re beautiful,” she murmured, watching with unconcealed awe as one crawled onto her finger and then fluttered off a few moments later.

           Bellamy glanced at her before reaching out his own hand; a butterfly settled itself on his palm, nearly weightless. “Yeah, they are.” Then he swallowed and pushed lightly at her shoulder. “Now come on, princess. There’s work to do.”

           She gave him an odd look, then nodded. “Let’s go save the world.”

Bellamy was never good at being separated from Clarke, not when his memories away from her were filled with mistakes and heartbreak and terror. So when the mission to Ice Nation was tasked, and he realized he would surely need to go, the knowledge was like a fist tightening around his chest. He knew he would likely die in the next six months, but the idea of dying away from Clarke, while she waited for him...he couldn’t even bear the thought.

           But she would be home, as safe as one could be when the world was ending, so that was something.

           When the goodbyes came, they left each other for last; everyone else was already piling into rovers or back into the hall when they met at the center of the room. For a few moments they just looked at each other, and then Bellamy cleared his throat and said, “We’ll be back before you know it.”

           “Be careful,” Clarke replied; he could hear her voice waver, just a little, but she steadied it just as quickly. “You heard what Raven said.”

           “Hydrazine, don’t blow it up, in and out. Got it.”

           “And please don’t do anything stupid if you can help it,” she added, stepping closer despite the minimal space between them. “I know it’s not in your nature, to be cautious, but...I’d like to keep you alive, too.”

           Bellamy looked over her face for a moment, feeling warmth leaking into his chest, and smiled for just a moment. “I’ll do my best.”

           “Good,” she said firmly; then, almost as an afterthought, “You’ll be okay.”

            “Yes, I will,” he said, mostly just to reassure her; she didn’t sound very certain. “Like I said—back before you know it.”

           Clarke opened her mouth to say something, but then seemed to reconsider. “They’re waiting.”

           Glancing behind him, Bellamy could see the rest of the team was indeed waiting for him. His heart tightened at the sight, and he forced himself to look back at Clarke. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

           “Yeah,” she said, but she still sounded so unsure, so scared; it made Bellamy’s heart break. Softening, he pulled her to him and ran a hand over her hair; she wrapped her arms around his back, her head buried in his shoulder.

           They stayed that way for a moment, trying to pretend this was a moment of comfort rather than a goodbye, then pulled away and met eyes one last time.

           “Stay safe for me, princess,” he said, almost a whisper as he backed away.

           “I will,” she replied, just an echo. “Stay safe for me, too.”

For the most part, he did as he asked, and when they got back to Arkadia he was rewarded with a hug that sent him staggering back a few steps before he found his balance. Clarke smelled like leather and woods and medicine, and her new short hair was soft when his fingers tangled in it.

           Oh, he had missed her.

           After that came, surprisingly, a couple days of quiet—not because nothing was happening, but because nothing was happening that Bellamy and Clarke could do at the moment. They spent it inseparably, just sitting on the floor of his room and talking, or reading, or playing cards. Just being together, like they were meant to be.

           Mostly they talked of happy things, because they had enough talk of war and destruction in meetings; but they also talked about sad things—Lexa, and Gina. Friends they’d never had. Things they wouldn’t get to do, or shouldn’t have done. Bellamy confided the sick, hollow feeling he’d felt in his stomach ever since Octavia’s fist first connected with his skin; Clarke described the long nights without sleep or comfort from her nightmares.

           “I don’t know if I’ll ever be enough, Bellamy,” Clarke whispered one night, long after most had gone to bed, her head tucked against his shoulder. “I’m trying so hard, but....”

           “You don’t have to be perfect,” he replied amidst the growing ache in his heart. “You’re enough already. You’re enough to me.”

           There was no sound for a long time, save for their breathing and Clarke’s fingers fumbling for his. “Thank you,” she whispered at last.

           “You’re welcome,” he murmured. Then, after a pause, “I’m proud of you, princess.”

           Against his shoulder, he could feel her smile. “Together, right?”

           He squeezed her hand and laid his free one over their entwined fingers. “Yeah,” he affirmed. “Together.”

Six months later, despite it all, they were alive.

           It had been six months of work, full of pain and sacrifice and death, and through it all there was not a moment left to themselves, but they survived, and now—now Bellamy and Clarke could have all the moments they wanted, because they’d made it. They’d actually made it.

           One of the first of these moments came a few weeks after they’d settled into the safe zone, when they could truly rest for the first time. Clarke had pulled Bellamy out of bed in the middle of the night and dragged him to a hill to watch their first peaceful sunrise, and now they were sitting on the slope and staring in awe at the array of colors filling the sky. Or Clarke was, at least. Bellamy was mostly looking at her—the slope of her face, more defined than it had been in Arkadia; the way her hair, long and soft again, fell over her shoulders; the never-changing brightness of her blue eyes. Even with all the places they’d seen, all the corners of earth they’d traversed, she was still the most beautiful part of it all.

           Gradually, Clarke had ended up tucked into his side, like she always did. She fit beside him perfectly, every line and crack and bruise pressed together; after all this time, he could no longer find where he ended and she began. A life without her was not only unimaginable but impossible—there was not a world, not a universe in existence, where Bellamy existed properly without Clarke by his side.

           “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of sunsets,” Clarke murmured, the words rumbling against his collarbone.

           “Good thing,” Bellamy said, “because they’ll keep coming whether you will or not.”

           “As long as they keep coming, I’ll never be tired of them,” she said softly.

           He knew what she meant. As long as they had a chance to keep going, they weren’t giving up. They would never be tired of living.

           “Might get tired of me first,” he teased lightly, squeezing her side.

           “Oh, never,” she said stoutly, and though she said it in a teasing manner, he could find no trace of humor in her voice. Before he could sort through this, however, she lifted her head to meet his eyes and he realized they were mere inches away; the unexpected intimacy threw him for a moment, and he said nothing.

           “I’ll never get tired of you,” she repeated, watching him carefully. “And I mean it, especially now. I’ll never not want you around.”

           Bellamy didn’t know what to say – after all this time, hearing that she cared about him still felt like the world being lifted off his shoulders – so he just looked back at her. Their gazes met for a few moments too long, and then Clarke lifted her hand to his face and brushed curls away from his face, as soft as the sun rising above the distant horizon.

           “Princess....” he murmured wearily, falling on the now-common nickname in his moment of bewildered awe. “What are you doing?”

           Clarke ignored him for a moment; her hand had at some point anchored itself against his cheek and now her thumb ran back and forth across his skin. They were so close, Bellamy could nearly taste the breath she released before she spoke, low and soft and steady. “Call me Clarke.”

           And then, before Bellamy had a moment to process that, her lips were against his, soft and insistent yet curious; a question, one that he answered with every ounce of the knowledge he had, every crack of his heart that beat for her alone. He kissed her, with the sun rising behind them and his hands pulling her closer and her fingers sliding back into his hair. He kissed her, gentle and firm and searching, until the soft ache in his heart covered his body with warmth he’d never known so fully before, and then he rested his forehead against hers and breathed in slowly.

           There was so much he wanted to say, so many things he’d wanted to tell her for so long, but none of them reached his lips. All he could manage was, “Clarke....”

           She smiled up at him, warm and comfortable, and brushed her hand over his cheek briefly. “There you go.”

           He smiled, too, and the words finally came. “I love you.”

           Beneath his touch, he felt her shiver, or perhaps hold back a sob. “I love you, too, Bellamy,” she whispered, eyes closing. “I love you so much.”

           Bellamy breathed out and sunk against her, his nose sliding across her cheek before settling against her collarbone, arms tight around her waist. Clarke’s hand ran over his hair in slow, soothing motions; faintly, he could hear her heartbeat, in nearly perfect rhythm with his own. It was a firm drumbeat, insistent and powerful, yet calm. Peaceful.

           The idea that he gave that to her, made her heart fill with the one thing the Earth never gave them, made Bellamy smile.

           When they finally went back inside, fingers entwined and hearts tucked together, they were immediately pounded with questions about if they were officially together, and when they had finally figured it out, and why they had waited so long. Bellamy just smiled and pulled Clarke a little closer each time they were interrogated, because honestly, they’d always known. He’d always known he was hers, and she was his, and they were meant to stay together. It had just taken the end of the world, and a quiet sunrise after it, for him to realize that meant forever.

#i wanted to post this before the ep but the internet wouldn't work #oh well better late than never #bellarke #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #bellamy x clarke #clarke x bellamy #the 100 #bellarke fanfiction #the 100 fanfiction #tate writes #the 100 season 4

[pukeb0x]

Don't mind me, just dropping some numbers 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26-27-28-29-30-31-32-33-34-35-36-37-38-39-40-41-42-43-44-45-46-47-48-49-50-51-52-53-54-55-56-57-58-59-60-61-62-63-64-65-66-67-68-69-70-71-72-73-74-75-76-77-78-79-80-81-82-83-84-85-86-87-88-89-90-91-92-93-94-95-96-97-98-99-100

lol, thank you.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Actually none, I use amazon music. lol If I had to chose, spotify.

2. is your room messy or clean?Ehh, depends on the day. Probably in the middle. A little messy but it’s not god awful.

3. what color are your eyes?Blue!4. do you like your name? why?Ehh, yes and no. It’s pretty but I don’t always think it suits me.

5. what is your relationship status? Taken6. describe your personality in 3 words or lesshumorous, awkward, introvert7. what color hair do you have?Red but it’s going to change around January. I’ve had red for a year so it’s time for a change.

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?I don’t drive. I can’t afford a car.

9. where do you shop?Online shopping, I don’t like going out much.

10. how would you describe your style?Alternative I guess, lol.

11. favorite social media accountEither instagram or facebook

12. what size bed do you have? twin. It’s tiny but I don’t need a lot of room.

13. any siblings?Yup, one brother.

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?I’m going to sound like a weeb but probably Japan. Not just for the anime or adorable style of clothing. I adore the culture and the scenery. It’s breath taking from photos I’ve seen or from what online friends that live there have shown me.

15. favorite snapchat filter? Currently it’s the cute one that gives you big round glasses and freckles.

16. favorite makeup brand(s)Uhh, too faced, bh cosmetics, Jeffree Star

17. how many times a week do you shower?Every other day tbh.

18. favorite tv show?I’m going to name more than one, lol. Doctor who, the office, Riverdale.

19. shoe size?I wear us size 8 in womens

20. how tall are you?5'2, too short for you.

21. sandals or sneakers? sneakers. I hate feet so I like covering them.

22. do you go to the gym? Sometimes when I feel up to it.

23. describe your dream dateI already got to do it this year, lol. Go to an outdoor movie theater and stargaze.

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?Zero, I keep it all in the bank.

25. what color socks are you wearing? I’m not wearing any, I don’t really like wearing socks if I don’t have to.

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?2 or 3

27. do you have a job? what do you do? I work part time at a grocery store as a stocker when I’m not at school. When I’m at school, I’m a student worker and help out the IT department.

28. how many friends do you have? Too many to count. Friends I talk to daily though is about 4. I have a lot of other friends I just don’t talk to often.

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? Lied I guess.

30. whats your favorite candle scent? Anything fruity or fall themed, lol

31. 3 favorite boy namesDexter, Quinn, Asher.

32. 3 favorite girl namesOctavia, Charlotte. I only have two.

33. favorite actor? David Tennant

34. favorite actress? I don’t have one.

35. who is your celebrity crush?David Tennant, lol.

36. favorite movie? Rocky horror picture show

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? Perks of being a wallflower

38. money or brains? Brains over money any day

39. do you have a nickname? what is it? It’s Ari.

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?Probably 3 or 4 times I think?

41. top 10 favorite songsTherapy by All Time Low, Run Away by Front Porch Step, Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Beaten in Lips by Beartooth, How Far I’ll Go by Auli'i Cravalho. I’m just going to give five instead of ten because I only have five, lol.

42. do you take any medications daily? Anti-depressants.

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)Depends. Super oily one day and then as dry as the Sahara the next.44. what is your biggest fear? Being alone.

45. how many kids do you want? Two, one boy and one girl

46. whats your go to hair style?Scene-y weenie bangs, lmao

48. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) Medium sized.

49. who is your role model? I don’t really have one. People I looked up to when I was younger disappointed me so I don’t really have one.

50. what was the last compliment you received?Someone liked my hair.

51. what was the last text you sent?“Are you playing Rocket League?”

52. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?10/11 I think.

53. what is your dream car? At this point, anything that can drive. I just want a car, lol

54. opinion on smoking? I do so no judgement.

55. do you go to college? I go to a university by Chicago.

56. what is your dream job? Art therapy

57. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Rural areas

58. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Let’s be real, who doesn’t? It’s free and you paid for the room, lol.

59. do you have freckles? Omg do I wish.

60. do you smile for pictures?Nope, hate my teeth. I only smile without.

61. how many pictures do you have on your phone? like 200 something. I need to empty it again soon.

62. have you ever peed in the woods? Desperate times come from desperate measures.

63. do you still watch cartoons? I love cartoons, you don’t need to stop watching because you’re an adult.

64. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?Wendys

65. Favorite dipping sauce? Honey mustard or bbq

66. what do you wear to bed? tshirt and underwear. Gotta let my jiggly legs free every once in awhile and I hate pants anyways.

67. have you ever won a spelling bee?Nope.

68. what are your hobbies?Drawing, napping, reading, binge watching movies, hiking

69. can you draw? I’d like to think so, lol

70. do you play an instrument?I wish but no

71. what was the last concert you saw? Deadlift Lolita

72. tea or coffee?Coffee

73. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?Starbucks. Always a white girl at heart.

74. do you want to get married?I hope to someday

75. what is your crush’s first and last initial?ZZ, lmao. 76. are you going to change your last name when you get married? I probably will77. what color looks best on you? Either purple or black

78. do you miss anyone right now? All the time. Who doesn’t miss people most of the time?

79. do you sleep with your door open or closed?Closed, I hate when it’s open because I feel like people in the house are watching me sleep.

80. do you believe in ghosts?Sort of

81. what is your biggest pet peeve? When people spell or pronounce my name wrong

82. last person you called`My mom

83. favorite ice cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip

84. regular oreos or golden oreos? Regular and don’t forgot the milk!

85. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Rainbow, I’m very picky with anything chocolate and I don’t really eat it often.

86. what shirt are you wearing? A sweatshirt

87. what is your phone background?Tim Curry from Rocky Horror

88. are you outgoing or shy?I’m outgoing online but real life I’m shy

89. do you like it when people play with your hair?It’s a blessing to have someone play with your hair so yes

90. do you like your neighbors? The neighbors I have at school, no. Neighbors at home, don’t have any so it’s great. Both houses next to mine they moved.

91. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?I wash at night.

92. have you ever been high? A few times, yes

93. have you ever been drunk? Yes, more so than high, lol

94. last thing you ate? Grapes

95. favorite lyrics right nowCurrently don’t have one.

96. summer or winter? Winter. I hate the warm sweaty weather.

97. day or night? Night time is where the party is.

98. dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark chocolate

99. favorite month? April because it’s my birth month, lol

99. what is your zodiac signAries

100. who was the last person you cried in front of? Zach

(I messed up the numbering when going through it hence two 99 questions. Too much effort to go back through and number correctly)

#answeredquestions

[readbookywooks]

5 Another force to contend with. Another power player who has decided to use me as a piece in her games, although things never seem to go according to plan. First there were the Gamemakers, making me their star and then scrambling to recover from that handful of poisonous berries. Then President Snow, trying to use me to put out the flames of rebellion, only to have my every move become inflammatory. Next, the rebels ensnaring me in the metal claw that lifted me from the arena, designating me to be their Mockingjay, and then having to recover from the shock that I might not want the wings. And now Coin, with her fistful of precious nukes and her well-oiled machine of a district, finding it's even harder to groom a Mockingjay than to catch one. But she has been the quickest to determine that I have an agenda of my own and am therefore not to be trusted. She has been the first to publicly brand me as a threat. I run my fingers through the thick layer of bubbles in my tub. Cleaning me up is just a preliminary step to determining my new look. With my acid-damaged hair, sunburned skin, and ugly scars, the prep team has to make me pretty andthen damage, burn, and scar me in a more attractive way. "Remake her to Beauty Base Zero," Fulvia ordered first thing this morning. "We'll work from there." Beauty Base Zero turns out to be what a person would look like if they stepped out of bed looking flawless but natural. It means my nails are perfectly shaped but not polished. My hair soft and shiny but not styled. My skin smooth and clear but not painted. Wax the body hair and erase the dark circles, but don't make any noticeable enhancements. I suppose Cinna gave the same instructions the first day I arrived as a tribute in the Capitol. Only that was different, since I was a contestant. As a rebel, I thought I'd get to look more like myself. But it seems a televised rebel has her own standards to live up to. After I rinse the lather from my body, I turn to find Octavia waiting with a towel. She is so altered from the woman I knew in the Capitol, stripped of the gaudy clothing, the heavy makeup, the dyes and jewelry and knickknacks she adorned her hair with. I remember how one day she showed up with bright pink tresses studded with blinking colored lights shaped like mice. She told me she had several mice at home as pets. The thought repulsed me at the time, since we consider mice vermin, unless cooked. But perhaps Octavia liked them because they were small, soft, and squeaky. Like her. As she pats me dry, I try to become acquainted with the District 13 Octavia. Her real hair turns out to be a nice auburn. Her face is ordinary but has an undeniable sweetness. She's younger than I thought. Maybe early twenties. Devoid of the three-inch decorative nails, her fingers appear almost stubby, and they can't stop trembling. I want to tell her it's okay, that I'll see that Coin never hurts her again. But the multicolored bruises flowering under her green skin only remind me how impotent I am. Flavius, too, appears washed out without his purple lipstick and bright clothes. He's managed to get his orange ringlets back in some sort of order, though. It's Venia who's the least changed. Her aqua hair lies flat instead of in spikes and you can see the roots growing in gray. However, the tattoos were always her most striking characteristic, and they're as golden and shocking as ever. She comes and takes the towel from Octavia's hands. "Katniss is not going to hurt us," she says quietly but firmly to Octavia. "Katniss did not even know we were here. Things will be better now." Octavia gives a slight nod but doesn't dare look me in the eye. It's no simple job getting me back to Beauty Base Zero, even with the elaborate arsenal of products, tools, and gadgets Plutarch had the foresight to bring from the Capitol. My preps do pretty well until they try to address the spot on my arm where Johanna dug out the tracker. None of the medical team was focusing on looks when they patched up the gaping hole. Now I have a lumpy, jagged scar that ripples out over a space the size of an apple. Usually, my sleeve covers it, but the way Cinna's Mockingjay costume is designed, the sleeves stop just above the elbow. It's such a concern that Fulvia and Plutarch are called in to discuss it. I swear, the sight of it triggers Fulvia's gag reflex. For someone who works with a Gamemaker, she's awfully sensitive. But I guess she's used to seeing unpleasant things only on a screen. "Everyone knows I have a scar here," I say sullenly. "Knowing it and seeing it are two different things," says Fulvia. "It's positively repulsive. Plutarch and I will think of something during lunch." "It'll be fine," says Plutarch with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Maybe an armband or something." Disgusted, I get dressed so I can head to the dining hall. My prep team huddles in a little group by the door. "Are they bringing your food here?" I ask. "No," says Venia. "We're supposed to go to a dining hall." I sigh inwardly as I imagine walking into the dining hall, trailed by these three. But people always stare at me anyway. This will be more of the same. "I'll show you where it is," I say. "Come on." The covert glances and quiet murmurs I usually evoke are nothing compared to the reaction brought on by the sight of my bizarre-looking prep team. The gaping mouths, the finger pointing, the exclamations. "Just ignore them," I tell my prep team. Eyes downcast, with mechanical movements, they follow me through the line, accepting bowls of grayish fish and okra stew and cups of water. We take seats at my table, beside a group from the Seam. They show a little more restraint than the people from 13 do, although it may just be from embarrassment. Leevy, who was my neighbor back in 12, gives a cautious hello to the preps, and Gale's mother, Hazelle, who must know about their imprisonment, holds up a spoonful of the stew. "Don't worry," she says. "Tastes better than it looks." But it's Posy, Gale's five-year-old sister, who helps the most. She scoots along the bench to Octavia and touches her skin with a tentative finger. "You're green. Are you sick?" "It's a fashion thing, Posy. Like wearing lipstick," I say. "It's meant to be pretty," whispers Octavia, and I can see the tears threatening to spill over her lashes. Posy considers this and says matter-of-factly, "I think you'd be pretty in any color." The tiniest of smiles forms on Octavia's lips. "Thank you." "If you really want to impress Posy, you'll have to dye yourself bright pink," says Gale, thumping his tray down beside me. "That's her favorite color." Posy giggles and slides back down to her mother. Gale nods at Flavius's bowl. "I wouldn't let that get cold. It doesn't improve the consistency." Everyone gets down to eating. The stew doesn't taste bad, but there's a certain sliminess that's hard to get around. Like you have to swallow every bite three times before it really goes down. Gale, who's not usually much of a talker during meals, makes an effort to keep the conversation going, asking about the makeover. I know it's his attempt at smoothing things over. We argued last night after he suggested I'd left Coin no choice but to counter my demand for the victors' safety with one of her own. "Katniss, she's running this district. She can't do it if it seems like she's caving in to your will." "You mean she can't stand any dissent, even if it's fair," I'd countered. "I mean you put her in a bad position. Making her give Peeta and the others immunity when we don't even know what sort of damage they might cause," Gale had said. "So I should've just gone with the program and let the other tributes take their chances? Not that it matters, because that's what we're all doing anyway!" That was when I'd slammed the door in his face. I hadn't sat with him at breakfast, and when Plutarch had sent him down to training this morning, I'd let him go without a word. I know he only spoke out of concern for me, but I really need him to be on my side, not Coin's. How can he not know that? After lunch, Gale and I are scheduled to go down to Special Defense to meet Beetee. As we ride the elevator, Gale finally says, "You're still angry." "And you're still not sorry," I reply. "I still stand by what I said. Do you want me to lie about it?" he asks. "No, I want you to rethink it and come up with the right opinion," I tell him. But this just makes him laugh. I have to let it go. There's no point in trying to dictate what Gale thinks. Which, if I'm honest, is one reason I trust him. The Special Defense level is situated almost as far down as the dungeons where we found the prep team. It's a beehive of rooms full of computers, labs, research equipment, and testing ranges. When we ask for Beetee, we're directed through the maze until we reach an enormous plate-glass window. Inside is the first beautiful thing I've seen in the District 13 compound: a replication of a meadow, filled with real trees and flowering plants, and alive with hummingbirds. Beetee sits motionless in a wheelchair at the center of the meadow, watching a spring-green bird hover in midair as it sips nectar from a large orange blossom. His eyes follow the bird as it darts away, and he catches sight of us. He gives a friendly wave for us to join him inside. The air's cool and breathable, not humid and muggy as I'd expected. From all sides comes the whir of tiny wings, which I used to confuse with the sound of insects in our woods at home. I have to wonder what sort of fluke allowed such a pleasing place to be built here. Beetee still has the pallor of someone in convalescence, but behind those ill-fitting glasses, his eyes are alight with excitement. "Aren't they magnificent? Thirteen has been studying their aerodynamics here for years. Forward and backward flight, and speeds up to sixty miles per hour. If only I could build you wings like these, Katniss!" "Doubt I could manage them, Beetee," I laugh. "Here one second, gone the next. Can you bring a hummingbird down with an arrow?" he asks. "I've never tried. Not much meat on them," I answer. "No. And you're not one to kill for sport," he says. "I bet they'd be hard to shoot, though." "You could snare them maybe," Gale says. His face takes on that distant look it wears when he's working something out. "Take a net with a very fine mesh. Enclose an area and leave a mouth of a couple square feet. Bait the inside with nectar flowers. While they're feeding, snap the mouth shut. They'd fly away from the noise but only encounter the far side of the net." "Would that work?" asks Beetee. "I don't know. Just an idea," says Gale. "They might outsmart it." "They might. But you're playing on their natural instincts to flee danger. Thinking like your prey...that's where you find their vulnerabilities," says Beetee. I remember something I don't like to think about. In preparation for the Quell, I saw a tape where Beetee, who was still a boy, connected two wires that electrocuted a pack of kids who were hunting him. The convulsing bodies, the grotesque expressions. Beetee, in the moments that led up to his victory in those long-ago Hunger Games, watched the others die. Not his fault. Only self-defense. We were all acting only in self-defense.... Suddenly, I want to leave the hummingbird room before somebody starts setting up a snare. "Beetee, Plutarch said you had something for me." "Right. I do. Your new bow." He presses a hand control on the arm of the chair and wheels out of the room. As we follow him through the twists and turns of Special Defense, he explains about the chair. "I can walk a little now. It's just that I tire so quickly. It's easier for me to get around this way. How's Finnick doing?" "He's...he's having concentration problems," I answer. I don't want to say he had a complete mental meltdown. "Concentration problems, eh?" Beetee smiles grimly. "If you knew what Finnick's been through the last few years, you'd know how remarkable it is he's still with us at all. Tell him I've been working on a new trident for him, though, will you? Something to distract him a little." Distraction seems to be the last thing Finnick needs, but I promise to pass on the message. Four soldiers guard the entrance to the hall marked Special Weaponry. Checking the schedules printed on our forearms is just a preliminary step. We also have fingerprint, retinal, and DNA scans, and have to step through special metal detectors. Beetee has to leave his wheelchair outside, although they provide him with another once we're through security. I find the whole thing bizarre because I can't imagine anyone raised in District 13 being a threat the government would have to guard against. Have these precautions been put in place because of the recent influx of immigrants? At the door of the armory, we encounter a second round of identification checks - as if my DNA might have changed in the time it took to walk twenty yards down the hallway - and are finally allowed to enter the weapons collection. I have to admit the arsenal takes my breath away. Row upon row of firearms, launchers, explosives, armored vehicles. "Of course, the Airborne Division is housed separately," Beetee tells us. "Of course," I say, as if this would be self-evident. I don't know where a simple bow and arrow could possibly find a place in all this high-tech equipment, but then we come upon a wall of deadly archery weapons. I've played with a lot of the Capitol's weapons in training, but none designed for military combat. I focus my attention on a lethal-looking bow so loaded down with scopes and gadgetry, I'm certain I can't even lift it, let alone shoot it. "Gale, maybe you'd like to try out a few of these," says Beetee. "Seriously?" Gale asks. "You'll be issued a gun eventually for battle, of course. But if you appear as part of Katniss's team in the propos, one of these would look a little showier. I thought you might like to find one that suits you," says Beetee. "Yeah, I would." Gale's hands close around the very bow that caught my attention a moment ago, and he hefts it onto his shoulder. He points it around the room, peering through the scope. "That doesn't seem very fair to the deer," I say. "Wouldn't be using it on deer, would I?" he answers. "I'll be right back," says Beetee. He presses a code into a panel, and a small doorway opens. I watch until he's disappeared and the door's shut. "So, it'd be easy for you? Using that on people?" I ask. "I didn't say that." Gale drops the bow to his side. "But if I'd had a weapon that could've stopped what I saw happen in Twelve...if I'd had a weapon that could have kept you out of the arena...I'd have used it." "Me, too," I admit. But I don't know what to tell him about the aftermath of killing a person. About how they never leave you. Beetee wheels back in with a tall, black rectangular case awkwardly positioned between his footrest and his shoulder. He comes to a halt and tilts it toward me. "For you." I set the case flat on the floor and undo the latches along one side. The top opens on silent hinges. Inside the case, on a bed of crushed maroon velvet, lies a stunning black bow. "Oh," I whisper in admiration. I lift it carefully into the air to admire the exquisite balance, the elegant design, and the curve of the limbs that somehow suggests the wings of a bird extended in flight. There's something else. I have to hold very still to make sure I'm not imagining it. No, the bow is alive in my hands. I press it against my cheek and feel the slight hum travel through the bones of my face. "What's it doing?" I ask. "Saying hello," explains Beetee with a grin. "It heard your voice." "It recognizes my voice?" I ask. "Onlyyour voice," he tells me. "You see, they wanted me to design a bow based purely on looks. As part of your costume, you know? But I kept thinking,What a waste. I mean, what if you do need it sometime? As more than a fashion accessory? So I left the outside simple, and left the inside to my imagination. Best explained in practice, though. Want to try those out?" We do. A target range has already been prepared for us. The arrows that Beetee designed are no less remarkable than the bow. Between the two, I can shoot with accuracy over one hundred yards. The variety of arrows - razor sharp, incendiary, explosive - turn the bow into a multipurpose weapon. Each one is recognizable by a distinctive colored shaft. I have the option of voice override at any time, but have no idea why I would use it. To deactivate the bow's special properties, I need only tell it "Good night." Then it goes to sleep until the sound of my voice wakes it again. I'm in good spirits by the time I get back to the prep team, leaving Beetee and Gale behind. I sit patiently through the rest of the paint job and don my costume, which now includes a bloody bandage over the scar on my arm to indicate I've been in recent combat. Venia affixes my mockingjay pin over my heart. I take up my bow and the sheath of normal arrows that Beetee made, knowing they would never let me walk around with the loaded ones. Then we're out on the soundstage, where I seem to stand for hours while they adjust makeup and lighting and smoke levels. Eventually, the commands coming via intercom from the invisible people in the mysterious glassed-in booth become fewer and fewer. Fulvia and Plutarch spend more time studying and less time adjusting me. Finally, there's quiet on the set. For a full five minutes I am simply considered. Then Plutarch says, "I think that does it." I'm beckoned over to a monitor. They play back the last few minutes of taping and I watch the woman on the screen. Her body seems larger in stature, more imposing than mine. Her face smudged but sexy. Her brows black and drawn in an angle of defiance. Wisps of smoke - suggesting she has either just been extinguished or is about to burst into flames - rise from her clothes. I do not know who this person is. Finnick, who's been wandering around the set for a few hours, comes up behind me and says with a hint of his old humor, "They'll either want to kill you, kiss you, or be you." Everyone's so excited, so pleased with their work. It's nearly time to break for dinner, but they insist we continue. Tomorrow we'll focus on speeches and interviews and have me pretend to be in rebel battles. Today they want just one slogan, just one line that they can work into a short propo to show to Coin. "People of Panem, we fight, we dare, we end our hunger for justice!" That's the line. I can tell by the way they present it that they've spent months, maybe years, working it out and are really proud of it. It seems like a mouthful to me, though. And stiff. I can't imagine actually saying it in real life - unless I was using a Capitol accent and making fun of it. Like when Gale and I used to imitate Effie Trinket's "May the odds beever in your favor!" But Fulvia's right in my face, describing a battle I've just been in, and how my comrades-in-arms are all lying dead around me, and how, to rally the living, I must turn to the camera and shout out the line! I'm hustled back to my place, and the smoke machine kicks in. Someone calls for quiet, the cameras start rolling, and I hear "Action!" So I hold my bow over my head and yell with all the anger I can muster, "People of Panem, we fight, we dare, we end our hunger for justice!" There's dead silence on the set. It goes on. And on. Finally, the intercom crackles and Haymitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, "And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies."

#Mockingjay

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Chapter 51: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 51/68 Word Count: 3512 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where Bellamy tries to be supportive.

A/N: This chapter didn’t go at all where I intended, but it felt like an important subject to at least touch on. Send me questions if you have them. I’m happy to chat about it. I’m sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out. The next one’s finished pending edits, though, so I’ll work on that tomorrow!

Also on AO3;  Start from the beginning on AO3

It had been two and a half weeks and Clarke was tired of crying.

It was easy to ignore her feelings during class. It would have been nice if she still had the MCATs to study for, but her regular homework was almost enough of a distraction on its own. Most of the time, she made it through her shifts at the clinic without incident and it was easier to shut down her emotions when Octavia was home (and distracting by proxy).

But the nights? They were the worst. After two months of sleeping next to Bellamy and almost four months next to Lexa, she had adjusted to sleeping next to someone on a fairly regular basis. Instead, half of her bed was cold and empty. When she tried sleeping in the middle, it made her feel worse. In the middle, she was surrounded by the cold and empty spaces. She ended up plugging in her old night light, because total darkness was too suffocating. Sometimes she cried, but a lot of the time, she just lay there wondering why.

Why couldn’t Lexa try harder with her friends?

Why didn’t Lexa trust her?

Why didn’t she believe in love?

Clarke wasn’t sure she believed in love after everything. It was hard to convince herself it didn’t exist, though, with the friends that she had. It was easier to try to push them away. Try being the key word. It was easy to ignore text messages, but impossible to avoid a roommate. When she stopped answering texts, her friends just texted O instead. When they all gave up on texting her and just asked O how she was doing, it didn’t feel like much of a victory.

Still, Octavia refused to shoulder the burden that was Clarke Griffin alone and recruited Wells to try to convince her to leave the apartment. Clarke was annoyed and didn’t feel ready to go out, so she may have yelled at him a little louder than she intended. It did get the message across, though.

He shoved his hands into his pockets at the door and turned around to frown at her. “Clarke, I know you’re not okay. I can stay if you want company.”

“I don’t want yours.”

He winced and exhaled heavily. “Okay. Message received.”

The guilt caught up when he finally turned the doorknob. “Wells, wait!” He hesitated. “Look, I’m sorry. I—”

“Clarke, it’s no big deal. We can do the apology thing when you’re feeling better.” He turned back to give her one more sad smile. “You know my love can be bought with coffee.”

He left and she was alone. Again. It wasn’t much of a victory at all.

The Senator 6:45pm It’s your turn.

Bellamy 6:53pm What’s my turn?

The Senator 6:54pm To try to get Clarke to come out tonight? Or to just get her to say anything?

Bellamy 6:56pm I need more of an explanation than that.

The Senator 6:59pm Didn’t Octavia text you? We’re all going to The Island tonight. Gina’s here. I thought you’d be coming, too.

Bellamy 7:01pm No… I told O I couldn’t. I need to finish this project.

The Senator 7:01pm You also told her to text you if Clarke was coming. That implies a willingness to join us.

Bellamy 7:05pm And you just told me Clarke isn’t going. You guys should just give her some space. She wants to be alone. That’s how she handles all her emotions.

The Senator 7:07pm The specific sentiment I received from her when I asked if she wanted company was: “Not yours.”

Bellamy 7:10pm Ouch. Do you need me to defend your honor? Do you need me to tell her your feelings are hurt? Do you need a hug?

The Senator 7:12pm Neither of you are any fun right now. Here come the big guns, bitch. Yeah, I called you bitch. It didn't feel right, did it?

Gina 7:14pm I’m supposed to tell you to rescue Clarke from her self-sabotage?

Bellamy 7:17pm Wow. Do you know I have the worst friends? They’re so nosy. How do you even hang out with them?

Gina 7:20pm You know I have horrible taste in people. ;) Is Clarke okay, though?

Bellamy sighed. Gina’s question bothered him, because he didn’t know the answer. It had been a long time since he didn’t know the answer to that question.

It wasn’t like he had been avoiding Clarke, but O had basically immediately told him the reason behind the breakup. If anything, he assumed she’d rather not see him. He still texted her every day to ask if she needed anything, but her one word answers got pretty annoying. She didn’t even fight back when he told her that.

That should have been enough of a hint that she needed him, but he had been a stubborn idiot.

Bellamy 7:30pm I don’t know. I haven’t heard from her today.

Gina 7:52pm Well, it’s been discussed at length over here and now you’re aware of the group consensus. If you can’t make time in your busy schedule for us you should probably go check on Clarke.

Bellamy 7:54pm You're right. As usual. Don't let it go to your head.

Gina 7:55pm No promises.

He was already at the store when Gina texted him again. He felt a little guilty about being so willing to go to Clarke’s, but they were right. She needed someone to lean on, whether or not she would admit it. To help her get there, he needed supplies. The looks he got while he was perusing the nail polish aisle didn’t bother him. It wasn’t like he had never bought O nail polish.

Gathering up what he needed didn’t take too long, so he made it to her apartment before nine. He used his key to let himself in more out of habit than anything. It didn’t occur to him to knock until he saw the shocked look on her face.

She was standing at the dining table in an oversized t-shirt and shorts using the easel he bought her for Christmas to paint. It was a good thing it was warm outside, because she had all the windows open (he assumed it was to get rid of the paint smell before O got home). She had also spread plastic all over the table and the floor. He grinned, because it had been a long time since he had seen her painting, but she tilted her head and pointed the red-tipped brush at him accusingly.

“What are you doing here?”

He hoisted the grocery bags up in the air. “I heard you decided to stay in, too. I come bearing gifts.”      

She eyed him carefully. “What did you bring?”

“Well, other than myself?” When she rolled her eyes, but set down her brush, he took the invitation to start emptying the bags onto the other end of the table. “I’ve got some double fudge brownie ice cream, some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, a couple different kinds of cookies, red vines, soda, Doritos, some—”

“Did you buy out the whole fucking store?”

“Nope. Just got enough stuff for a fun night on the couch, if you want.”

“Well, I don’t want.” She glared at him again. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“That’s been pretty clear since the day I met you.”

“Has it? Maybe I wanted to stay in, because I wanted to paint! I’ve been sitting on this idea for weeks now and no one will give me any fucking breathing room.”

Bellamy sighed. “I’m not going to take the bait, Clarke.”

“You think I’m baiting you?”

“I think you’re angry and you don’t know how to get it out, so you’re trying to fight everyone who cares about you.”

“I was trying to take it out on this painting, but you came waltzing in here like you own the place.”

“Then take away my key!”

“I thought you weren’t going to fight with me!”

Bellamy paused and took a step back. Her eyes were watery, but her jaw was set, and he didn’t know what to do. Even though he was mad at her, he couldn’t bring himself to actually argue. It wouldn’t make her feel better. If it would make her feel better, he’d let her yell at him all she wanted, but he didn’t want to be another reason she felt guilty.

“I’m not. I’m sorry.” He pushed everything back into the bags and took it into the kitchen to unload it. When he came back, she looked less confrontational, but he set the handful of nail polish onto the table so he could leave. “You’ve got the stuff. You can do what you want with it.”

“You bought nail polish?”

He shrugged. “I have a little sister. I know what to buy in case of emergency.”

It was silent for a moment and he risked another glance up. She was studying him with narrowed eyes. Still, her question didn’t come out sounding entirely unfriendly. “I’m supposed to paint my nails to feel better?”

“Well, I would have painted them while eating copious amounts of junk food and watching shitty television.”

She studied him a moment longer and he forced himself not to look down under her scrutiny. The corners of her lips twitched up in an almost smile. ��Can I paint yours?”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hold in his smile. “Did O tell you I used to let her do that?” Clarke shrugged and he wasn’t surprised O said something. When she was younger and he had to babysit, it was one of the only things that would keep her still. “Fine. You can paint my toes. I can’t go into Etter’s class with….” He trailed off and studied the nail polish. He’d brought her a variety: neon green and pink, bright purple, yellow, and a blue. He met her eyes again and she was actually smirking, so he grabbed the pink. “I can’t go into her class with bright pink fingernails, but toes? That’ll be fine.”

“Okay, cool.” She walked around the table to look at the colors herself and picked up the neon green bottle. When she looked up at him, her eyes were watery again. “Bellamy, I’m really—”

“Going to find out how awesome I am at painting nails? Yeah, I know. What kind of ice cream do you want?”

Before she could answer, he started back toward the kitchen and left her to clean her brushes. He didn’t need an apology, because she was letting him stay. He had to ask her a second time before she told him to bring everything out into the living room.

“We’re not watching shitty television, though,” she said as she helped him set all of the junk food on the coffee table. When she grabbed the roll of paper towels away from his side, she shook her head. “How did you carry all of this?”

“I’m really talented,” he said around the spoon in his mouth. “What are we watching if we’re not watching shitty television?”

“Did you only bring one spoon?”

He set the spoon on top of the ice cream and smiled at her. “Your kitchen is right there, Princess. If you don’t want to share, go get your own spoon. I’m only so talented.”

She settled on the couch and grabbed the remote and the double fudge brownie ice cream. “If we’re watching stuff, I’m almost done with season six of Parks and Rec again, so we’re just picking up there.”

He threw himself down next to her and grabbed her foot and the nail polish she picked out. “I can’t believe you’re forcing me into the end of a season. Andy and April’s wedding, Ben and Leslie’s wedding? How much of pregnant Ann have I missed? You know I’m going to have to start season one when I get home now.”

She rolled her eyes, but smiled at him. “We can start at season one, if you really need to.”

“No, it’s your night.”

They started the where she left off and he painted her nails while she ate ice cream. Then, they switched and she painted his nails while he ate ice cream. He was proud of himself, because he got her to laugh a couple times when she was paying too much attention to the television and not enough to where she was putting nail polish. After a few episodes, when she was sure her nails were dry, she got up to put the ice cream away and sat down a little closer to him when she got back.

Clarke leaned her head on his shoulder and propped her feet up on the coffee table, wiggling her toes. “How have we been friends for three years and I didn’t know you could do this? You are way better than I am at painting someone’s nails.”

“We haven’t been friends for three years.”

She turned her head so she could glare at him. “Well, fine, if you want to not count the six months we couldn’t stand each other.”

“No,” he laughed and her expression faded into a pout. “I mean, it’s May. We met in October.”

“Oh. Well, I’m rounding up.” She settled her head back onto his shoulder. “How come you haven’t come over before tonight? Everyone else has been really ‘in my face’ trying to get me through my moping stage.”

They had both been busy and he was scared that she wouldn’t talk to him. Their relationship been different the last few months, too. He didn’t want to say that, so he tried to joke instead. “I wanted to, but you know how you get around me. Word vomit. You’d let it all out and it would be cathartic and you wouldn’t be able to be sad anymore. I’m sure you wanted to mope for a while before I magically made everything feel better again.”

She elbowed him, but she laughed. They watched the episode in silence for a few more minutes before she paused it and turned to look at him. “I’m ready for it. The cathartic word vomit, I mean.”

He pulled his feet up onto the couch and turned to face her. “Okay, hit me with it.”

“How is Gina okay with us being friends?”

The question shocked him. He had been expecting a rant of some kind. Even if she had asked a question, he would not have expected that one. “This is part of your cathartic word vomit?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure my bi-ness is what broke my relationship with Lexa. Like, I’m not gay enough for her or something. She was just so jealous of you and I don’t get why she couldn’t trust me. So how does Gina trust you with me?”

Bellamy felt his heart breaking for her. She didn’t like to talk about it, so Bellamy never pressed, but he knew it was the same reason her first girlfriend ended their relationship. “I don’t really know. I don’t think she’s wired for jealousy.”

Clarke fell back onto the couch and closed her eyes. “Yeah, I figured. I guess I was secretly hoping she was talking behind my back or something so it would justify Lexa’s behavior.”

“Well, too bad, because she’s on board the ‘Clarke is awesome’ train. I think Harper and Miller had her brainwashed before she even met you, so you never had a chance.”

“Well, that fucking sucks.”

“Yeah, it’s absolutely awful how nice she is.”

She nudged him with her foot and a small smile that disappeared almost as soon as it materialized. Bellamy watched her for a moment, but she lay there with her eyes closed, mouth slowly twisting back into a frown. It almost startled him when she opened her eyes and met his gaze. A couple tears escaped, but she wiped them away with a quick swipe. He couldn’t stand the idea that someone made her doubt anything about herself.

“I need to circle back to the whole ‘you’re not gay enough’ thing, if that’s okay.”

She nodded and her brow furrowed a little as she picked at her nails.

“Is this something she actually said to you?”

“No. Not in so many words. I just thought it was interesting that she was only jealous of—” She cut herself off and shook her head. “She was only jealous of my male friends. She didn’t care about Raven or Octavia or Harper. I know that I’m projecting my insecurities onto the situation. It’s stupid.”

Bellamy grabbed her leg, because it was the only thing within reach. He felt a little dumb, but he pushed through, because he was committed to the moment. “It’s not stupid, Clarke. But if some guy is ever jealous of the girls in your life, you’d tell him to suck it up, right?”

“Well, yeah, but that’s easier.”

“Why?”

She shrugged. Instead of responding, she focused on the spot where Bellamy’s thumb was rubbing against her calf. He waited, hoping she would say something, because he didn’t know how to make the situation better. When she didn’t, he sighed.

“So, I don’t really know what to say to try to make you feel better. I assumed you’d be doing the venting, not me.”

“But I need validation, Bellamy. Duh.” She laughed weakly and he smiled.

“I don’t know if I can give you that, but if anyone ever makes you feel like you’re not ‘gay enough’ or ‘straight enough’, please tell me and I’ll fight them for you. I’ll tell them that you’re the perfect amount of bi. One hundred and ten percent bi with all that extra credit you turned in. That’s an A plus in most school systems.”

Clarke finally let out a full laugh and Bellamy grinned when she threw a pillow at him. “I’ll keep you in mind the next time my sexuality needs a letter grade.”

“Good. I don’t like it when you doubt yourself. “

“Too bad.” She sat up and smiled at him before pulling the pillow back into her lap. “I’m always a bundle of self-doubt, but I usually hide it better.”

“I know.” He toyed with the edge of the pillow and frowned. “I hope you know that you deserve someone who accepts you unconditionally, though. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.”

“Just myself. And you. I had to prove that I wasn’t the spoiled brat you thought I was.”

“But here’s the difference. It bothered you that I thought that stuff, sure, but you didn’t have to actually do anything to prove I was wrong except be yourself. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that you were probably the best person to ever exist.”

Her face immediately turned bright red and she looked down at her lap.

“I’m fucking serious, Clarke. You deserve someone who is going to acknowledge that daily. Someone hot and smart who accepts you and wants to take care of you as much as you take care of everyone else. Someone who will travel the world with you and go art exhibits with you and come to our movie nights and–”

“If you don’t stop, I’m going to start crying.”

“Okay, fine.” Bellamy threw his hands up in the air. “I’ll stop embarrassing you with your awesomeness.”

Clarke glared at him, but the effect she intended it to have was ruined by the smile tugging at the corner of her lips. He grinned at her and pulled her into a tight hug and sighed when she buried her head into his shoulder. It had been a long time since they’d had a real hug and he allowed himself to enjoy it. There would be time for guilt later. After a few moments, she pulled back, wiping her eyes again.

“Sorry if I embarrassed you with your awesomeness.”

She smiled sadly. “Sorry I tried to kick you out.”

He shrugged. “It’s not the first time that’s happened. I mean, you’ve actually kicked me out of here before, so….” He trailed off and she smiled again. “I know this is a dumb question, but do you feel any better?”

“Not a ton, but I’ll get there.”

“Well, you didn’t rant as much as I expected. Maybe it’ll come in waves.”

“I’ll be sure to call you as soon as I get the urge to finish the cathartic word vomit.”

“The second you do, you promise?” She looked down at her lap again and he had to tilt his head to look her in the eyes. “I’m serious. Eight in the morning? Midnight? Two in the afternoon? I’ll answer any time.”

Clarke agreed reluctantly and he could see her pulling back into her shell a little. He tried not to let it bother him. Instead, he chose to focus on the fact that she finally talked to someone and as they turned the show back on, he hoped she knew that he would do anything she ever needed.

#bellarke fanfiction #bellarke #modern au #sometimes i can't see myself #my work #bellarke au #erin writes