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And the World Spins Madly On, Chapter 13

Summary: A few weeks after visiting Kurt in New York and confessing to cheating Blaine is attacked and left for dead, resulting in a traumatic brain injury. Burt finds him on his way home from work and calls Kurt to deliver the news. How will Kurt help Blaine pick up the broken pieces when his own heart is still so conflicted?

And The World Spins Madly On (ff.net link if you’d like to leave a review!) AO3 link

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11 || Chapter 12

“I do. He looks a little different, but I recognize him,” Cooper said quietly. Kurt stared at him through unfocused eyes. “What I want to know,” Cooper continued through gritted teeth. The anger rising off of him was palpable. It felt as though the cage of a lion had been kicked wide open and the beast was slinking out in search of flesh and blood. “Is why that piece of shit isn’t rotting in prison. And how you guys don’t seem to have a record in your database to match this against.”

“I don’t understand,” Detective Carson looked completely taken aback.

“He was one of the boys that attacked Blaine when he was fourteen. Two out of three of them were found not guilty despite the fact that they all killed someone after beating them both with a fucking tire iron. Surely, you must have heard of it, it was only four years ago.”

“Coop,” Kurt said warningly when Blaine had tried to bring one of his hands up to his forehead and cursed quietly when it collided with the front of the helmet. “He’s on our side here.”

“Sorry,” Cooper said strenuously. “But this has to be somewhere in your database, right?”

“Do you have a name? I can run a search when I get back to the station,” Detective Carson held his hand out to Kurt for the sketch. Kurt handed it back to him and scooted closer to Blaine, resting his palms on his lap while Blaine continued to shield his face. Despite the lighting in the room casting a distorted yellow tinge to his skin, up close Kurt could see just how pale he looked beneath a thin layer of sweat. ‘So much for calling this a good day,’ he thought bitterly as he stroked Blaine’s thighs slowly, hoping to channel some semblance of serenity into his trembling body.

“Logan Walker,” Cooper replied, struggling to keep the edge off of his voice. “They found him not guilty, along with Bailey Gibson, even though he was the one calling the shots. The only one they charged was Cody Byrne, his prints were the only ones on the tire iron. They couldn’t prove the other two were involved and this state isn’t exactly sympathetic about homophobic driven hate crimes.”

“Well, it matters to me,” Detective Carson responded, sounding rather reserved as he jotted down the list of names in a small notebook. “I’m gonna make sure we catch these guys and that they’re locked up for good this time. I give you my word.”

Cooper nodded stiffly and knelt down beside Blaine. “Hey,” He whispered, “You okay?”

Blaine let out a strained, strangled sound in affirmation and searched for Kurt’s hand while simultaneously fumbling with the clasp of the helmet. Kurt guided his fingers over to the proper spot and helped him squeeze the sides inward to unlatch it. At the sound of the tiny click!, Blaine forcibly pulled the straps apart and tugged the helmet off. He dropped it to the floor where it landed with a dull thud and proceeded to splay his right hand across his forehead now that the barrier was gone. “Are we done?”

“Yes, I know this has been very hard for you. I’m sorry, Blaine,” Detective Carson offered sympathetically. “I hope you’re able to enjoy the rest of your holiday.”

“Do you want to take some food with you?” Kurt asked. It had suddenly dawned on him that the reason Detective Carson was here now was because he was working instead of being able to eat at home with his own family.

“Oh, no, thank you––” Detective Carson proceeded to shove the small notebook into a small inner breast pocket of his jacket.

“No, please, I insist. You’ve been so helpful and understanding through all of this. Let me make you a plate,” Kurt interrupted him and motioned to pull his hands away from Blaine. Cooper stood up before he barely had the chance to retract his hands.

“Kurt, I’ll do it. Stay with him.”

Cooper disappeared before anyone could get another word in. Kurt turned his attention back to Blaine, who appeared to now be employing the breathing exercises Kurt had taught him over the previous days to manage his panic attacks. Kurt raised his hand up and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “You’re getting better at that, you don’t even need me to count,” he whispered, earning a solitary shaky laugh from Blaine that sounded more like a sharp exhale.

“I might need you to count,” Blaine dragged the fingers of his free hand across his forehead, and Kurt could hear how out of breath he sounded now that he was actually speaking more. “I keep losing track, my head is pounding.”

“Sure. You’re due for your medicine too, hopefully that’ll help with the headache,” Kurt spoke softly to avoid further aggravating his sensitivity to sound. The last thing he figured Blaine needed was another repeat of Monday afternoon. Detective Carson watched as Kurt proceeded to quietly count and guide Blaine through breathing exercises as though they were the only two people in the room. Cooper returned just as they were starting another round and furrowed his brows in concern. “Everything okay?” He offered a styrofoam plate covered in aluminum foil to Detective Carson, who had been too busy watching them to notice.

Kurt waited until the end of their round and spoke quickly while Blaine tried to continue on his own. “Yeah, can you grab his meds?”

“Yeah,” Cooper tapped Detective Carson’s arm to garner his attention. “Let us know as soon as you hear anything new?”

“Sorry,” Detective Carson quickly took the plate from him. “Yes, you have my word.” He waited until Cooper disappeared again and though Kurt was not looking at him he could tell he seemed to be hesitating for some reason. Within a few seconds he appeared to come to his senses and shuffled towards the front door. “I’m sorry again about dropping by like this. Thank you for the plate, enjoy the rest of your holiday.” He let himself out before Kurt could turn around and properly say goodbye.

“Mom, really, everything’s fine,” Cooper and Emilia’s voices grew louder as they entered the room together. He was walking in front of her, trying to shield Blaine from view but she pushed past him insistently.

“I just want to check— Oh, sweetie,” she had taken one look at Blaine hunched over in the chair before her forehead was wrought with wrinkled worry lines. “You don’t look well at all. Maybe we should get you home.”

This was evidently the completely wrong thing to say. Blaine’s head shot up so quickly it even left feeling Kurt dizzy and disoriented. He looked at Cooper, clearly alarmed, as the little remaining colour drained from his face. “Coop––”

“Relax,” Cooper said calmly, handing Blaine’s medication and a glass of water over to Kurt. “Mom, he’s not going back there right now.”

“Blaine, sweetheart, I came home to take care of you,” Emilia disregarded Cooper’s declaration and diverted her attention solely to Blaine. He squirmed uncomfortably as she continued to stare at him. Something about the way she looked at him made him feel as though he were under a microscope, waiting to be doused in chemicals just so she could witness the reaction. As far as he could remember, she had never shown this much interest in his well-being before.

“Since when have you wanted to take care of me?” Blaine blurted out. A mumbled curse beneath his breath let Kurt know the question had not been intentional.

Emilia stared at him with something of a mix between guilt and sorrow. The dull throbbing against his skull transformed into a steady pressure, forcing him to double back over and groan loudly. Emilia tentatively extended her hand towards Blaine, but Cooper had gently curled his fingers around her wrist to stop her. “Goddamnit. Fuck,” Blaine pressed his fingers against his forehead with such force the nail beds began to turn white. “Fuck.”

“Blaine,” Kurt nudged Blaine’s knee with his own. “Here, take these if you can.” He offered the two pills resting on his palm. Blaine squeezed his eyes shut and stomped his foot against the ground as the pressure began to peak. “I need a minute,” he mumbled strenuously.

“Let me get some ice,” Cooper released Emilia’s wrist and quickly dashed out of the room. Kurt set the glass of water down on the coffee table and closed his hand around the pills to avoid losing them. When Cooper returned, Kurt hastily accepted the ice pack and used his fist containing the pills to gently tap on Blaine’s fingers. “Honey, move your hand. Let’s try this,” Kurt pressed the paper towel clad ice pack to his fingers and Blaine tentatively withdrew his hand, releasing a quiet sigh as his forehead came in contact with the cold relief. “Helping?” Kurt asked softly. Blaine responded with a quiet grunt and closed his hand over Kurt’s, slowly rotating his forehead against the ice pack. Cooper had pulled Emilia aside, trying to continue the conversation in whispers, but Kurt was still able to hear every word.

“He’s not going back there—”

“Oh, honestly, Cooper, don’t be—”

“Did you even hear what he said about dad earlier? Did you know about that? Or is that something else you’re just pretending didn’t happen?” Cooper asked, his tone protective and resounding even at the low decibel he was trying to contain himself to.

“I know I haven’t done my best to stand up for him with the last time this happened,” Emilia replied. “But I’m not letting it happen again. It’s going to be different. I’m going to take care of him.”

“I’m not talking about that,” Cooper raised his voice slightly, agitated and impatient, and proceeded to guide her farther away, forcing himself to regain control. His voice was still shaking with the contained anger that had been impossible to weed out. “Didn’t you hear what he said about dad hitting him? Did you know about that? About him locking him up in closets?”

Kurt had to give her credit if she was acting, but he was willing to bet that her reaction was genuine. Her eyes darted over in their direction and Kurt could see the same wildfire that danced in Cooper’s eyes when it came to being protective over Blaine. And he also saw that she mirrored the same defeated expression Cooper had adapted just a few days prior when Blaine’s heavy confession about his father had finally come tumbling out. Cooper had a point though. Either she had completely disregarded Blaine’s accidental confession earlier or somehow did not seem to hear it at all. Both options weighed heavily on Kurt’s conscience currently as she stumbled her way through her reaction.

“No, he would never–– I would have noticed–– How long have you known?”

She had traversed through the stages of grief in the blink of an eye. Kurt turned his attention back to Blaine, who appeared to be oblivious to the entire conversation. He seized the opportunity to continue distracting Blaine and offered his medication again as the coating of the pills had begun to melt in the heat of his clenched fist. Blaine sluggishly leaned backwards until he could go no further but kept his hand over Kurt’s. Their fingers were clumsy and numb from the prolonged exposure to the ice. His eyes were still closed as mumbled his response, terrified any sudden movement would thrust him right back into the full force of the migraine that continued to ebb and flow. The throbbing had been subdued to a sporadic dull pulse on the left side of his forehead, but previous experience prevented him from being lulled into a false sense of security that it had fully passed. With some effort, he unfurled his fingers from around Kurt’s and relinquished his hand. Kurt set the ice pack onto the coffee table and flexed his fingers a few times before he was able to trust himself to grab the cup. “Here,” he prompted softly, pressing the pills against Blaine’s lips. Blaine allowed his lips to part just enough for Kurt to push them in one by one and took a small sip of water once he had tipped the cup against his mouth.

“Thank you,” Blaine’s voice had failed him, leaving him to helplessly mouth the words.

“You’re welcome,” Kurt encouraged him to drink some more water before setting the cup down again. “You look like you’re ready to crash,” he brushed his fingers lightly across Blaine’s forehead. Though the skin was now bright pink it was still cold to the touch. Blaine leaned forward into his touch and forcibly opened his eyes. “Are they fighting about me now?”

Kurt glanced over his shoulder and saw Cooper and Emilia had vanished. “I don’t think they’re fighting,” Kurt replied and slid his hand down to rest against Blaine’s cheek. “Do you want to go lay down?”

“Isn’t Isabelle coming soon?” Blaine closed his eyes again and gripped the arm rests on the wheelchair as a sharp throbbing above his left eye socket caught him off guard. “I know how excited you are to see her,” he tried to downplay the pain, but Kurt saw right through the charade.

“Blaine,” Kurt said softly.

“I wanted to meet her,” Blaine’s grip on the armrests slackened and he opened his eyes again. He somehow looked both disoriented and determined.

“It doesn’t have to be tonight if you’re not feeling well,” Kurt brushed his thumb gently over Blaine’s cheek. The tiny gesture had sent shivers down his spine.

“I’m okay, really,” Blaine insisted, continuing to lean his head into Kurt’s hand.

“For being such a great actor, you’re a terrible liar, you know,” Kurt smiled sympathetically.

“Don’t let me and my stupid headache ruin this,” Blaine said. Everything about his expression exuded desperation. “Please?”

“Fine, fine. If you say so,” Kurt conceded. “Shall we go join everyone at the table again?”

“What about Coop and my mom? Should I go talk to them?” Blaine seemed hesitant at his own suggestion. Kurt leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead. A gentle shiver ran through his body when his warm lips connected with Blaine’s cold skin. “They’ll know where to find us when they’re done. Sounded like Cooper needed to catch her up on a few things anyways.”

Blaine nodded a fraction of an inch and Kurt secured the helmet to his head once again before they returned to the table to find everyone had seemingly put their dinner on pause in their absence. Kurt took his seat beside Blaine and picked up his cutlery again, “You two really outdid yourselves this year, even without my help.” After that dinner proceeded like normal, each of them taking turns in conversation as though nothing had happened. Between encouraging Blaine to eat, despite the fact that it looked like the last thing on Earth he wanted to be taking part in, Kurt continued to text Isabelle beneath the table and had solidified a time for her to stop by. He had also given her an extremely hasty summarized version of events ending with Blaine isn’t feeling well but still wants to meet you. Cooper and Emilia returned as Finn and Carole were clearing the table. Their plates still remained in place, untouched. Both of their eyes were bleary and puffy with the untold story of a thousand secrets. Blaine’s eyes darted back and forth between them questioningly as Cooper took his seat and Emilia remained standing, her gaze unfocused.

“Mom, sit. Please,” Cooper pulled on her hand gently. She sank down into the chair beside him and dabbed at her eyes with the silky material of her powder blue blouse sleeve.

“What the hell happened? Why is she looking at me like that?” Blaine could no longer contain his thoughts. “Fuck, I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

“Honey, I’m so sorry,” Emilia replied instantly, her eyes welling up with fresh tears. Cooper’s face contorted with what seemed to be disappointment as soon as she had spoken, as though she was a child who had betrayed a promise to keep a secret to herself. “Sweetie, I never knew.”

“Never knew what? Don’t tell me you never noticed anything,” Blaine said with an air of impatience. Kurt slid his hand onto Blaine’s thigh beneath the table in a gesture of comfort, but Blaine misinterpreted it as patronizing instead. “No, I wanna know why she’s looking at me like that. What were you guys talking about? Cooper,” Blaine narrowed his eyes at his brother suspiciously. He had completely lost control now. “What did you—” As he soaked up his brother’s guilty expression, a realization suddenly dawned upon him. “No. No, no, no, Cooper you didn’t.”

“Blaine, you have to try to calm down,” Kurt squeezed his thigh lightly. “Remember what we talked about—”

“Cooper, tell me you didn’t. You promised that was just between you and me. Tell me it’s something else. Tell me you didn’t,” Blaine asked urgently, ignoring Kurt. Snippets of one of the articles Isabelle had sent paraded to the forefront of Kurt’s mind— ‘Increased aggressiveness, increased anxiety, reduced self-control,’ — as Blaine remained hyper fixated, raising his voice. All of his sentiments were merging together like a train collision. There was no space in between for Cooper, or anyone, to get a word in against him. “Why aren’t you saying anything?” Blaine asked impatiently after what he must have perceived to be a long delay. In actuality, there had been maybe half a second between the question and his previous statement.

“Because I know you don’t want to actually have this conversation in front of everyone,” Cooper responded calmly. That seemed to force Blaine to come back to himself. One quick glance around the table and he suddenly realized Burt, Finn and Carole were still in the room with them. They had become ghosts in their own home, silently observing the Anderson family torturously ripping apart at the seams. “We were going to talk to you after dinner, wasn’t that what we agreed on, mom?” Cooper continued, still maintaining the same calm tone of voice. Emilia demurely nodded her head once. “But we can do that now if you don’t want to wait.”

The doorbell rang and no one moved. Kurt did not want to leave Blaine’s side, but knew full well who was at the door this time. “That’ll be Isabelle,” he said.

“I’ll let her in,” Burt offered, clearly desperate for the opportunity to leave the room. He left to answer the door and Isabelle’s bubbly voice carried over into the kitchen as she greeted him, completely unaware of the scene she was intruding on.

“What do you want to do, Blaine?” Kurt had not removed his hand from Blaine’s lap and continued to alternate between rubbing his thigh and squeezing it soothingly. He appeared to remain undecided, alternating his attention between Cooper and Emilia before he finally said, “Tell me yes or no first. Tell me that and then we talk later.”

Cooper sighed heavily and pushed his plate away. The silverware shook and clattered lightly against the porcelain in the silence. After what felt like eons crammed into the small stretch of time, he offered a simple, “Yes.”

Blaine clenched his fists together tightly and painfully tore his eyes away from his brother to look at Kurt. Whatever he was thinking, it was no longer evident in his expression. His tone had changed entirely. There was no anger or urgency anymore. Instead, he sounded almost confident as he asked, “So about that introduction?”

“Right,” Kurt replied numbly. Blaine the actor had finally made an appearance again. The one who had always been able to shove down his own emotions into the farthest depths as he prepared to perform for the world around him. The transition had always been so subtle. Something completely natural and unnoticeable. As Kurt’s body moved on autopilot to stand and navigate Blaine into the living room towards Isabelle’s faint laughter, he wondered how he had never been able to realize whenever Blaine managed to flip the switch between personalities.

‘Of course I’ve never noticed, he’s probably used the same trick on me a million times.’

In the living room, Burt was being completely steamrolled by Isabelle’s excitement as she jabbered away. Her face lit up when Kurt wheeled Blaine into the room. “Hello, my darling!” She glided over to him as though she was some ethereal being simply floating above the floorboards and wrapped an arm around Kurt in a one handed embrace. In her other hand she was carefully balancing an aluminum pie tin. She pulled away, positively beaming, and turned her attention to Blaine. “And you must be Blaine, I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Uh-oh, is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Blaine jested and smiled, extending his hand out to her. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“It’s a good thing. I’m a hugger, if that’s alright with you, darling,” she leaned over to give him the same warm hearted welcome she had offered to Kurt once he had lowered his hand and agreed. “Sorry, I’m late. You know how these family get togethers go. Put us all in a room and the sun will be rising if no one cuts me off.”

“I can see why Kurt gets along with you so well,” Blaine laughed. Kurt was finding it far more difficult than he was to slip into the idea of normalcy as the scene played out. He was roused from his daydreaming when Blaine had subtly reached out to touch his hand and smiled without missing a beat.

“Sorry, don’t mind me. Starting to slip into one of those post food comas,” Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand gently, tethering himself back down again.

“I hope you’ve saved room; this pumpkin pie isn’t world famous for nothing!” Isabelle held it up as though it was an Olympic torch. “Do you need help setting anything out?”

“No, no, don’t be silly,” Burt interjected. “Make yourself comfortable, I’m going to help my wife bring out the rest of the desserts. Can I get you something to drink?”

“A coffee would be fabulous. Thanks so much.” Isabelle set the pie plate on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch as Burt disappeared into the kitchen. “Did you boys have a good Thanksgiving?”

“It’s been eventful, to say the least,” Blaine mumbled to himself.

“What’s that?” Isabelle asked.

“Nothing,” Blaine straightened up in his seat. “How are you liking being back home? Kurt said you grew up in Ohio.”

“It’s always nice to see everyone, but I would be lying if I said I missed actually being here. My heart’s still in New York. It gets too quiet here for me, I need the buzz of the city.”

“There really is nothing quite like it,” Kurt agreed fondly.

“Sounds like you both really miss it,” Blaine said. His act had betrayed him and the statement had come out sounding forlorn and distant. As Kurt opened his mouth to reply, Burt returned carrying a large platter with assorted cookies balanced on one hand and Isabelle’s coffee in the other. Behind him the rest of the family followed in line, Finn carrying some small plates, Carole with a homemade chocolate cake, Cooper with silverware and some napkins, and Emilia, who had managed to make herself appear more composed. After everyone had settled in, the remainder of the evening flew by in a whirlwind of laughter as Isabelle regaled them with stories of what she liked to call ‘New York Moments.’ Blaine contributed to the conversation, flawlessly falling into step with Isabelle’s ardor as though they were old friends. Kurt had been so caught off guard, he struggled to keep up with them. His mind still lingered on just how seamlessly Blaine had managed to transition into this character he was playing. A character that looked a lot like the old, ultra-confident boy who had taken hold of Kurt’s hand at Dalton and led him down a hallway towards a performance that literally had changed their lives. As he took the backseat and observed their interactions, some tiny part of his brain chirped quietly from his subconscious. ‘Which Blaine is the real Blaine?’

At around midnight though Blaine had seemingly exerted all of his energy and was struggling to stay awake. Every few seconds or so Kurt noticed him nodding off and waking with a jolt as his chin came down towards his chest. He would cross his arms and straighten his back, trying to sit tall and keep himself awake. After the fourth time it happened Kurt subtly leaned forward to whisper to him as Isabelle continued to entertain everyone else, “Time for bed?”

“M’supposed to talk to Coop and my mom,” Blaine drawled on sleepily and rubbed his eyes.

“There’s always tomorrow. Plus you have an early start, don’t you?” Blaine looked puzzled and Kurt continued. “Your follow up appointment and then you have that session with Dr. MacManus.”

“Oh, right. I forgot.” The words came stretched on the wings of a long yawn. Blaine rubbed his eyes again and Kurt patted his thigh lightly.

“Come on, I’ll lie down with you,” Kurt said.

“You can stay up if you want,” Blaine paused through another long yawn and pulled on the chin strap of the helmet. “I know you probably want some one on one time with Isabelle. Don’t argue, I know that you do,” He added before Kurt could protest. He was not wrong; Kurt did want to catch up with her away from everyone else. Especially after the performance Blaine had just given.

“Okay. You want me to help you to bed at least?”

“Yeah, could you, please?” He pulled on the helmet strap again. “Can’t wait to take this thing off.”

Kurt smiled sympathetically and stood up. “I’m just gonna help Blaine to bed, I’ll be right back.”

“I didn’t even realize how late it is,” Cooper announced in reply. “Mom, I should probably drive you home. We have to be up early tomorrow,” Emilia looked as though she wanted to argue, but thought better of it and nodded. “Burt, Carole, thank you for having me,” Emilia said sheepishly.

“Our pleasure,” Burt responded.

“Blaine?” She approached him tentatively and stopped just shy of arm’s reach. He looked up at her, his head heavy with drowsiness. “Can we talk tomorrow?”

Blaine nodded slowly in his sleepy trance and she smiled wearily before turning on her heel to approach Cooper. “Wait,” Blaine’s small voice drew her attention back to him and he shyly continued, “You’re not gonna hug me goodbye?” Something broke within her and it was evident on her face as she leaned over to embrace him. Kurt watched them sadly, knowing full well that he was going to stay up and wait for Cooper to return to press him for the details of their earlier conversation. When they finally broke apart everyone took their time saying their goodbyes before Cooper and Emilia left.

“Isabelle, could you hang around for a bit?” Kurt asked as he unlocked the wheelchair brakes.

“Of course, darling.”

“Kurt, I could help him to bed if you want,” Finn surprisingly announced. “If Blaine doesn’t mind, that is.” Kurt and Blaine simultaneously responded.

“It’s okay, I’ve got—”

“I don’t mind.”

Kurt yielded control of the wheelchair to Finn and gently patted Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine brought his hand up and placed it over Kurt’s, lingering momentarily before dropping it down onto his lap again. As they rounded the corner and disappeared he turned to Isabelle. “Wanna step outside for a minute?” They navigated their way through the kitchen and towards the garden table. The second Kurt had slid the screen door shut, Isabelle’s animated voice permeated the quiet air, “You’re positively smitten with him.”

“That obvious, huh?” Kurt’s shoulders slumped and he sank down into one of the dark green metal chairs. “I know you said to set boundaries, but I realized that’s all I’ve been doing since I got home. Setting rules and keeping my distance. It was exhausting. He’s apologized a million times and I really do believe him. I want to forgive him. I want to trust him again. I want him to trust me because it’s obvious to see now that he’s been holding so much of himself back. Does that make me crazy?”

“How did it feel when you kissed the other night?” Isabelle asked.

“It felt,” Kurt could not help but smile as he reminisced. “Like coming home.”

“I don’t think it makes you crazy, Kurt. But have you two talked more about everything since then?”

“A little,” Kurt replied guiltily. “Not really. Not as much as we should have. There are just so many other things going on right now, I’m waiting for the right time.”

“Can I give you my honest opinion?”

“Always.”

“It sounds like you’re avoiding some of the difficult stuff because you’re trying to protect him. Which doesn’t seem fair to either of you,” Isabelle said.

“So, what should I do?” Kurt asked desperately. “Everything is such a mess and I just want it to be normal again.”

“What’s keeping you from forgiving him?” Isabelle asked. “Are you afraid he’ll do it again?”

“I was,” Kurt replied automatically.

“And you aren’t anymore?” She probed.

They sat in silence as Kurt contemplated his response. Deep down, he really did believe Blaine had regretted his actions. That he had acted only out due to a combination of their miscommunication and his own mountain of insecurities. The more he was coming to learn about Blaine’s past through his accidental confessions the more he came to understand the complex machinery of his ex-lover’s inner world of twisted turmoil. Aside from Cooper, anyone Blaine had ever come to trust or rely on had completely betrayed or disregarded him. He had been singled out and bullied not only at school, but at home too. Two of out of his three previous attackers had been allowed to walk free from an assault and murder charge. And while Kurt had offered him his own trust and love, Blaine still kept himself guarded. He had only allowed Kurt to view tiny glimpses of his life, and even that appeared to be an act bred of his own need to please others while casting himself aside. He thought back to Blaine’s confession in New York — ‘I thought I was losing you’ — and felt his stomach lurch. He had let his demons fester and infect their relationship to the point of believing Kurt would abandon him the same way everyone else he had ever come to rely on did.

“He wouldn’t do it again,” Kurt said finally.

“Something is keeping you from forgiving him though. And until you figure out what it is, you’re going to be stuck in this same loop, sweetie. Where things sort of feel normal, but you’re still avoiding these major problems and they inevitably resurface,” Isabelle offered a sympathetic smile and reached over to the table. Kurt slid his hands into hers.

“I think,” Kurt said slowly, the wheels in his head still turning slowly as he continued, “What’s holding me back is that it feels like he can’t trust me enough to show me who he really is,” he exhaled sharply and tilted his head back slightly as his vision became blurry with the threat of tears on the horizon. “And if he can’t trust me to let me in, how can I trust him? That Blaine you just met in there? That’s partly him, but it makes me wonder how much of himself he keeps locked away when he isn’t trying to please everyone around him.”

“Well,” Isabelle said softly, “There you go.”

“I keep wondering if he would still be keeping everything to himself if he was able to control it. I think about it a lot, actually. He’s become completely incapable of keeping secrets, and I’m scared he’ll just hide himself away again the second he’s able to,” Kurt sniffled loudly. “If he’s able to, I guess. Since they have no idea what kind of lasting damage there will be. God, this whole thing is just terrifying. I wish it never happened.”

“I'm sorry, sweetie,” Isabelle offered consolingly. “I find it best not to let my mind wander too far away from the situation I’m in. Otherwise the possibilities will never end.”

“It’s funny you say that because I’ve been parroting the same response to everyone else,” Kurt laughed sardonically.

“Time to practice what you preach then, my friend.”

“I suppose you’re right, as usual,” Kurt pulled a hand away to run his fingers through his hair.

“I know it’s difficult to think about, but what are your long term plans, Kurt? Say you forgive him and you boys make up, then what?” Isabelle asked with innocent curiosity. The way she posed her inquiries never felt like the interrogations that Rachel usually subjected him to. And he loved her for that. She had a sort of candor about her that could make anyone feel right at home.

“I really don’t know,” Kurt replied quietly. There had not been much time to consider the possibilities of reconciliation between them when everything forced him to focus on the moment. The scope of his vision had been reduced to day-to-day, measured in good ones or bad ones depending on how much Blaine had either regressed or accomplished.

“Just something to ponder and maybe discuss with him, don’t you think?” Isabelle cocked her head to one side and smiled half-heartedly. He knew she was right. Of course she was right. She had been right about everything already thus far.

“Yes,” Kurt replied, resigned. “I’ll talk to him this weekend. We need a mature heart-to-heart, that’s pretty evident.” Isabelle squeezed his hands and smiled. “So,” Kurt continued, shrugging his shoulders slightly. “What did you think of him?”

Isabelle laughed. “Well, he’s certainly a teenage dream, that’s for sure.”

“Yes,” Kurt laughed quietly. “Yes, he is.”

___________________________________________________

“Tell me again why we had to make this appointment so early?” Blaine drawled in the passenger seat and dragged his knuckles across his eyes in a desperate attempt to knead away the exhaustion overtaking his eyelids. Beside him Cooper spared a moment from scanning the road for the right building to roll his eyes.

“Since when is ten o’clock early for you?”

“Lay off, it’s not my fault,” Blaine responded grumpily and folded his arms across his chest.

“I’m only teasing,” Cooper smoothly navigated his way into a parking space and shifted the gear into park. The car lurched briefly as it came to a still and he twisted the key in the ignition, abruptly cutting off the song Blaine had been quietly singing along to. “Was last night as bad as the rest of the week?”

“You mean you somehow slept through all the screaming?” Blaine mumbled as he unlatched his seatbelt and slid it across his chest slowly.

“I only came back this morning to pick you up,” Cooper replied. “I stayed at home last night.” Blaine tugged at the strap of his helmet and spared a sideways glance at his brother. “Didn’t plan on it, but I kind of got into a screaming match with dad and then stayed up late talking to mom after. I just ended up napping there for a few hours before I came back to get you ready to go.”

“Oh,” Blaine offered quietly.

“I know you want to ask about it, I can tell,” Cooper responded. “But we’re gonna be late, so we can talk about it later. I promise.” Blaine nodded meekly and sent his mind into overdrive as Cooper exited and proceeded to help him out of the car. It was another conversation to add to the growing list ahead of them. He thought back to his outburst at dinner last night after Cooper and their mother had returned to the table and found himself lingering on the way she studied him with such pity in her eyes. He felt naked and embarrassed being exposed like this, constantly under observation from everyone. Despite their best efforts, he knew they were all walking on eggshells around him. He hated it. It made him feel fragile. One false move and he would crumble to pieces before their eyes, just like they all expected him to.

______________________________________________

“So how was your holiday?” Dr. MacManus asked. She was sitting opposite Blaine on a red leather, cushy armchair with one leg crossed over the other. Perched against her thigh was a yellow legal pad. Blaine propped his head up on the arm of the wheelchair and stared out of the window into the parking lot. The sky has become overcast in dark grey between his first appointment and the trip to her office, bearing the threat of an impending storm. The irony was not lost on him. “Your brother mentioned your parents came home.”

“I saw my mom,” Blaine stated tonelessly. “Not my dad. What else did he tell you?”

“I want to hear your version of events, Blaine. Not his.” She folded her hands atop the pad and waited patiently.

“What if I don’t feel like talking right now?” Blaine said bitterly. In actuality, he had come prepared with a million burning questions buzzing around his head until the news from his follow-up appointment earlier in the morning wiped everything away. While Cooper had already reminded him of the upcoming brain surgery they had scheduled for mid-December, neither of them were prepared for the news that Blaine’s knee might never heal properly even with the elective surgery to repair his ACL. At the mention of the word ‘cane’ Blaine had completely shut down and tuned out the rest of the conversation. While the vertigo had him worried for when he felt well enough to start dancing again the thought of never being able to dance again at all had been too much to bear.

“That’s okay too, if you don’t feel like it right now,” Dr. MacManus’ voice cut through the buzzing self-pity and he sighed heavily.

“This just fucking sucks. All of it. It’s not fair,” Blaine finally stated. He turned away from the window to face her and had suddenly adapted Kurt’s habit of speaking with his hands as he continued to lash out. “I just want it to stop. I want to stop feeling so useless and scared. I want everyone to stop looking at me like a pathetic broken toy. I just— Is it so much to ask for a fucking break? Just one.” He dropped his hands onto his lap and returned his gaze to the window. “Maybe I deserved it.”

“What do you mean by that, Blaine?” She leaned forward in her chair.

“What?” Blaine begrudgingly glanced in her direction, keeping his eyes downcast to pretend like he was not trying to notice her, before returning to gazing out at the parking lot.

“You said ‘maybe I deserved it,’ what did you mean by that?”

“Goddamnit, I didn’t mean to— I can’t even keep my own thoughts private either. Everything is just out on display for everyone all the damn time!” Blaine raised his hands up in exasperation. She offered a sincere, sympathetic half-smile in return. He dropped his hands down into his lap and curled them into fists, tugging at the fabric of his pants. Kurt would have a heart attack if he saw the wrinkles he was working into the material. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Alright, well can you tell me what kind of person you think deserves what happened to you?” Dr. MacManus asked politely.

“I don’t know,” Blaine replied, losing the edge in his voice. “No one.”

“If you believe nobody else does, then why would you think that you do, Blaine?”

“Because,” Blaine replied automatically and pursed his lips together to try to stop the remainder of the thought. As usual, it came tumbling out before he could stop himself. “I’m a bad person.”

“Why?” She pressed on.

“Stop,” Blaine whispered. He wanted to scream. Wanted to rip up the ugly beige carpet she had lined her office with and hide himself away like all of the secret things you kept away from the world beneath the floorboards.

“Why do you think you’re a bad person?” Her tone was gentle, but the alarm bells in his brain still told him it felt like an attack. She was interrogating him. Pushing him. Even after they had established he did not need to discuss anything he did not want to talk about.

“Stop,” Blaine repeated, louder this time. “Stop it.”

“Blaine,” She set the blank legal pad aside and uncrossed her legs. “I think you have a lot of anger and pain that you don’t know how to deal with any other way than turning it inward toward yourself. I know you aren’t going to exactly trust me after the one session we had at the hospital, but I am on your side here. I can’t help you if you don’t let me. Deep down past this barrier you’ve put up I think you do want that help, or else you wouldn’t have agreed to keep seeing me once you were discharged. I could guess at things. I could bring up all your brother’s concerns. But we both know unless you bring yourself to say what’s bothering you it’s not going to matter what I do or don’t know. It has to come from you.”

Blaine chewed on his lip and ran his fingers over the clasp of the helmet chin strap. “I think my dad hates me,” he surrendered quietly. “I don’t know when it started, but I think that he does. And for as long as I can remember, which— let’s be honest, that doesn’t mean much these days,” He added the small jab of self-deprecation as a joke. She did not laugh. “I figured there must be something wrong with me. Something I must have done. Because what other reason could there be? And on top of that, what do I go and do to the one person I love more than anything in this whole world? Cheat on him. Hurt him. So, yeah, maybe I deserved what was coming. Maybe it was just the universe fighting back to balance the scales again.”

“And I think truly terrible things happen to very good people sometimes, Blaine. There’s a lot to unpack here so let’s break this down a little bit, okay?” He nodded stiffly and took to chewing on his fingernails instead. “What makes you think your father hates you?”

“Before he started completely ignoring my existence?” Blaine said bitterly before he ripped off a piece of his nail between his teeth. He spit the fragment into his lap. “He used to hit me and lock me in closets. Would tell me I wasn’t his son. After the first attack he just took to flat out ignoring and avoiding me.” He moved onto another fingernail to gnaw on. After confessing this all to Cooper, Kurt and Finn the other day it seemed easier now to let the words come tumbling out to her.

“I’m very sorry to hear that, Blaine. Can you remember how old you were when this started?”

“I don’t know, maybe like 10? Things get kind of jumbled around when I try to think about it.”

“Can you remember anything before then?”

“Sometimes, but not really. Bits and pieces with Cooper, but a lot of it feels,” He paused as he wracked his brain for the right word. “Fuzzy? I don’t know.”

“Barring your physical injury, there could be a number of things attributing to that,” She said and pulled the legal pad back to her to finally begin writing on it.

“Like what?” He shifted in his seat to sit up and a sharp jolt reverberated from his knee straight down the rest of his leg. He grimaced and casually placed his hand over his knee as though he could press the pain back down into the synapses responsible for causing the painful response to his sudden movement. Dr. MacManus’ eyes were on the pad, focused on writing. She had not noticed.

“There’s a chance your brain could have repressed certain memories, sort of like a defense mechanism. Sometimes people are simply just unable to remember things past a certain age. Your recent trauma, coupled with the previous assault, has also had a profound effect on you and PTSD can cause lapses in memory or blackouts. There are some exercises we can try in later sessions, but right now I want to focus on things you can remember. You say you think you were around 10, do you remember anything leading up to the moment?”

“Not— No, not really,” Blaine ripped off another nail fragment and shoved his hands beneath his thighs to stop himself as Kurt’s voice sounded off in his head to dissuade him against the further mutilation. “I just remember him shoving me in. He was,” He squinted as though it would bring the fuzzy image into focus. “He was angry about something, I could barely understand him, he was screaming so loud. I couldn’t tell you what he said, it’s just this like… garbled static.”

“Was anyone else at home?” She peered up at him, her pen still poised on the pad.

“Cooper was gone by then, moved out to LA. My mom,” Blaine frowned and strained to recall. “I don’t know if she was there. I don’t think she was. I think it was just my dad and me.”

“Who would let you out again after he locked you in?”

“He would,” Blaine shifted and pressed his hands down against the seat to fight the urge to start chewing on his nails again. “I don’t know how much time would pass in between. Progressively, I think he kept me in there longer and longer. The harder he hit me, the longer it felt like I was in there anyways.”

“Can you remember any happy memories with him?”

“Some, I guess. Mostly the ones involving Cooper. Just me and him though? Barely. It’s been harder to remember things like that lately. I get… confused sometimes. This week has been kind of tough.”

“Do you want to talk about that at all?”

Blaine squirmed and caved in, resorting to chewing on his thumb nail. His words came rushed, just as they had last night, with very little space in between the sentences. “I’m guessing Cooper told you about it already. It’s been getting worse. I can’t sleep through a single night anymore. I forgot who Kurt was the other day. That’s never happened before. I wanted to die when they told me, because that’s what it felt like. Like I’d been kicked in the chest and my heart was going to stop. I’m terrified I’m gonna just lose it all one day. That everything will be wiped away and I’ll just be some helpless blank slate who can’t even remember his own name.” He seemed shocked at his own admission.

“Did you mean to say that out loud?” She asked.

“I think I did, actually,” Blaine replied. She smiled.

“It’s difficult to accept when things are out of our control. I have to imagine that constant fear makes it nearly impossible to concentrate, which can be why you have such a difficult time with your memories. Again, I’m sure the physical injury has something to do with it, but you saying it’s been getting worse since the nightmares and flashbacks have been progressively getting worse leads me to believe it’s more the anxiety you’re feeling than anything else. I want to give you a prescription for Zoloft, I think it can help with the panic attacks.”

“Great, more meds,” Blaine grumbled. He remembered the name from a television commercial. “Isn’t that for depression?”

“There’s nothing wrong with needing a little extra help sometimes, Blaine,” She smiled sympathetically. ““It can help with PTSD and anxiety too; it’s called an SSRI. If it’s the right medication for you then we’ll start to see a decrease in those panic attacks and feelings of fear and helplessness.” She cast a sideways glance on the clock above the door. “We still have a little more time; do you want to talk more about your recent break up? It seems to be weighing pretty heavily on you, based on your previous statement. It must be really hard being around your ex with completely different dynamics.”

Blaine hovered his palm over his mouth to hide the way his lips had tugged into a smile. He had no clue what to call whatever was happening between him and Kurt. The entire thing confused him to no end, but he worried bringing attention and talking about it would cause whatever good thing they had going to come to a screeching halt. No. He wanted to keep that for himself for now. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure, Blaine. Have you been practicing those relaxation and grounding exercises I passed along to your brother?”

“I try to. Kurt’s been helping me with breathing exercises too.” ‘I can almost do them without his help.’ The thought had remained contained within his own head for once. “I’ve been okay for the most part when I’m awake, but when I fall asleep,” He trailed off. The image of Kurt’s face from the other morning when he had forgotten him, terrified and absolutely devastated, had become ingrained into his thoughts. If there was anything he wished he could permanently erase, it was that pained expression. “I can’t control what happens then.”

“Are the nightmares about the recent attack?”

“Most of the time. Sometimes the first one. Sometimes,” Blaine swallowed hard and cleared his throat quietly. There had been more than a few nights when he could not tell which nightmares were actual memories or over exaggerated depictions of his darkest, deepest fears. “Sometimes it’s other stuff, but mostly that.”

“Extra stress can sometimes be an added trigger. It’s going to take some time for the Zoloft to kick in before we notice any changes. I know it’s a difficult thing to ask, may even seem impossible, but working on managing that stress and focusing on staying relaxed is probably the best thing you can actively do right now.”

“You’re right,” Blaine restlessly brushed his fingers over his lips. Their hour long session was starting to feel like a director’s cut version of a Lord of the Rings film. “That does sound impossible.”

“You mentioned breathing exercises, do you do those regularly or only in response to the panic attacks?”

“Usually after I’m already worked up or starting to feel really anxious.”

“I want you to try to incorporate it more throughout your day. I would try to do it right before bed. Or something you find relaxing. I remember you mentioned your love of music at our last session?” Blaine nodded once to affirm her recollection. “Do something you enjoy, make your bed feel like a safe place instead of treating it like somewhere you go to relive your worst memories.”

“And if that doesn’t work?” Blaine asked apprehensively.

“Then we’ll think of something else. One step at a time, Blaine.”

“Yeah, well I’m not exactly taking any actual steps anywhere anytime soon,” Blaine grumbled under his breath and tugged at the chin strap.

“I take it you got some bad news?” She inquired. By then he’d had enough. He could not remember what time they started, but there was no way they had not exceeded the hour.

“Can we end here for now? I just,” He shifted in the chair again. Within the last fifteen minutes he had grown progressively more restless and uncomfortable. “I’m really tired and I’m just really sick of talking about myself today.”

“Okay,” She smiled politely. “You did really well today, Blaine. I know it may not feel like it, but you are making progress in your recovery.” He returned her statement with a tight lipped smile. “Is it still okay that I talk to your brother? You still want him involved, correct?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Do I need to be in here for it?” His hands were already positioned on the wheels, ready to leave. At the first sign of her head tilting forward he was wheeling himself towards the door. With some effort he twisted the doorknob and maneuvered his way out into the waiting room where he had left Cooper at the start of the session. He was in the exact same chair, his legs stretched out in front of himself with his arms folded across his chest. His head was tilted down towards his chest. He appeared to be asleep.

“Coop?” Cooper immediately lifted his head and looked in his direction. He looked as exhausted as Blaine felt and the fragment of the early morning conversation came fleeting from the depths of the abyss to remind him that Cooper had also not gotten much sleep the night before. Blaine glided over to him and did not wait for a response. “She wants to talk to you.”

“Go okay?” Cooper unfurled his arms and stood up, stretching languidly.

“Yeah, I guess,” Blaine shrugged. “I’ll wait for you here.”

Cooper gave his shoulder a gentle pat and disappeared into Dr. MacManus’ office, leaving Blaine to sift through a pile of magazines. It was moments like this he wished he still had his phone. He made a mental note to talk to Cooper about getting a new one sometime soon. He glanced at a clock on the wall and was shocked to discover it was nearly half past four. After the events of the day he was not sure where he was supposed to muster the energy from for the conversation he was still meant to have with Cooper and his mother. If it was still happening. Cooper had not mentioned it at all yet. He took to wheeling himself around the table in the center of the waiting room to pass the time, trying to force himself to stop stealing glances at the clock. The more he tried to avoid it though, the more his head jerked upwards to see that the minute hand had only moved a fraction of an inch.

He sighed loudly and decided to go back to the pile of magazines. At first glance, they all seemed to be outdated copies of Psychology Today. At the very bottom of the pile, the last glossy booklet caught his attention. The words ‘DANCE’ was written across the top in bold yellow font, with ‘The world at your feet’ in smaller text beneath it. The text beside the man featured on the cover said ‘Andy Blankenbuehler’s Broadway.’ The subject, presumably Andy Blankenbuehler, was dressed in charcoal gray slacks and a long-sleeved white button-up dress shirt. Both the top two and bottom two buttons were undone, letting the shirt fall loosely over his clearly toned physique. Around his neck was an undone green and black checkered tie. Perched atop his head was a black felt bowler hat. He had been photographed mid pose that very much reminded Blaine of a scene straight out of Chicago, it was a classic sexy jazz pose. He had one leg bent at a forty five degree angle, the other straight out, as his torso twisted towards the camera. Only the profile of his face was visible, especially with the bowler hat tipped down. One hand was positioned near the brim of the hat, his ring finger resting comfortably against the accessory to tilt it downwards.

The image sent chills down his spine as he plucked the magazine off of the table and continued to study it in his lap. He knew this move. Had practiced and perfected it in his bedroom and the McKinley auditorium. Seeing it now had ignited something in the pit of his stomach. At first he thought it might have been jealousy or some rampant form of self-pity festering and bubbling up to remind him of the conversation from the doctor’s office earlier. But as he continued to stare, he recognized that it was not a malicious feeling. It was motivation. He was not going to sit and be told what was and was not to be expected of his recovery. They had repeatedly told him what a shock it was to see him awake from the coma with so many pieces of himself still intact. So why should he force himself to be resigned to the possibility of never being able to dance again just because some doctor had told him so?

He was still staring at the cover by the time Cooper had returned with Dr. MacManus at his side. “Ready to go?”

Blaine glanced up at them and nodded. “Dr. MacManus, can I keep this?” He held up the magazine.

“Sure, Blaine. Nobody usually reads them anyways. Enjoy it.”

They said their goodbyes and confirmed the next appointment set for Tuesday. In the car, Blaine had kept the magazine propped on his lap and silently continued to study the image as Cooper drove. The radio volume had been set so low the music was barely audible, causing a strange white-noise sensation to fill the space surrounding them. As Cooper pulled onto the highway, Blaine’s eyes were still on the cover as he spoke, “I don’t care what they say, I’m gonna dance again, Coop.”

“I know you are, Blaine.”

_______________________________________

This is the magazine cover

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syntheticpoetry · 4 years

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And the World Spins Madly On, Chapter 12

And The World Spins Madly On (ff.net link if you’d like to leave a review!)

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11

The entirety of the two-and-a-half-hour movie passed by in a hazy blur. If Kurt was being honest, he did not think it possible that any of them had been able to pay attention to any of the details at all. They had simply taken to their collective silence and continued through the motions only to maintain some pretense of normalcy. Blaine had remained asleep, nuzzled securely against Kurt’s chest, through the entire film, oblivious to the stolen glances that Kurt was pretending not to notice. On more than one occasion he caught Cooper’s gaze lingering for longer than the conspicuous number of seconds that everyone else felt was customary, his expression completely indiscernible. As the end credits began to scroll across the screen, they remained in silence. No one seemed to want to make the first move. After about a minute of background music, Cooper finally spoke.

“Kurt, let me help you get him to bed?”

Kurt recognized that tone, the overly protective ‘we need to talk’ voice, and picked apart the unspoken request between his words. He had bought himself over two hours to sift through the tidal wave of thoughts swirling around his mind and still did not feel ready for the conversation, but he nodded. Cooper crossed the room and knelt down, trying to figure out the easiest way to go about untangling Blaine’s arms from Kurt’s torso to lift him up. As Kurt leaned forward he felt Blaine’s embrace tighten around him and looked down to see his face contorted with worry even though he remained fast asleep.

“Let me see if I can talk him into moving,” Kurt whispered and ran a hand along the length of one of Blaine’s arms. He leaned down to speak quietly in Blaine’s ear, continuing to rub his arm in an attempt to gently rouse him. “Blaine, time for bed.” Blaine scrunched up his face and turned it inwards to bury it in Kurt’s shirt, his breath warm and tranquil as it seeped in through the material against his skin. “Come on, I know you’re tired,” Kurt pressed a kiss to the top of his head and took to trying to wriggle his fingers beneath Blaine’s arms to break his hold.

“No, don’t go,” Blaine pleaded, his somnolent voice muffled as he spoke into Kurt’s chest.

“We’re going together,” Kurt replied before kissing his head again. The sea of prickly hair growing in made his lips tingle as they made contact. “Come on, this can’t be comfortable for you. Let’s go lie down, Cooper’s going to help.”

“Come on, buddy,” Cooper took his opportunity to slip his arm around Blaine’s torso after Kurt had managed to lift his arms to create a wide enough space. Blaine instinctively wrapped his arms around Cooper’s neck and whined quietly in protest, but kept his eyes closed. In one swift motion Cooper lifted him up and carefully carried him to the guest room. Kurt remained on the couch momentarily, rotating his shoulders to will away the numbness that had set in from remaining motionless in the same position for such an extended period of time while Finn finally shuffled over to the DVD player to remove the disc. As Kurt was just getting ready to stand up and follow Cooper out the sound of his father clearing his throat earned his attention instead.

“Kurt, if you ever wanna talk. About any of, you know, this stuff going on,” Burt leaned forward, clasping his hands together. He did not know when it had happened over the course of the last month, but Kurt thought he somehow looked older now. Maybe it was just exhaustion. They were all feeling it. He had been shocked to see his own reflection in the mirror earlier after his call with Isabelle, his face almost unrecognizable beneath the raw layer of puffy, pallid skin.

“I know, dad,” Kurt pressed his palms against his knees and, with great effort, managed to peel himself off of the couch. His back had never ached so much.

“So, are you two—” Burt had been interrupted when Carole swatted his arm gently. “What? I’m just asking!”

Kurt offered a feeble, half-hearted smile. “It’s… complicated. I really would rather just leave it at that right now. I’m gonna go see if Cooper needs any help.” He all but ran from the room to avoid anyone else’s response, knowing full well he needed to save his energy for the interrogation he was bound to be receiving from Cooper momentarily. He entered the guest room to discover Cooper in an unsuccessful attempt to unhook Blaine’s arms from around his neck and let out a quiet chuckle. “He did this a lot during sleepovers, here.”

Kurt approached them and began pressing his fingers into the back of Blaine’s hands, working his way up his arms and proceeded to rub small, delicate circles into his shoulders. Blaine’s grip around Cooper’s neck slackened and Kurt nodded towards one of the pillows, keeping his fingers busy working into the muscles along Blaine’s neck and upper arms, “Grab that, we’ll do a swap.” Cooper obeyed the command and after another minute of Kurt’s physical coaxing they had managed to slip the pillow between Blaine’s arms. He embraced it tightly and buried his face away from view.

“He should be okay for a little while, usually takes him at least an hour before he realizes it’s not an actual person,” Kurt rotated his shoulders again before lacing his fingers together behind his back to hold his arms into a stretch.

“You said this used to happen a lot?” Cooper watched Blaine, his expression forlorn.

“Yeah,” Kurt brought his arms forward again and folded them across his chest, observing Blaine snore softly against the pillow. “After everything he said today about your dad, I feel like it all makes more sense now when I look back.”

“What does?” Cooper pulled the blanket up around Blaine to tuck him in, pausing to press down on the pillow near his nose and mouth as though he was paranoid Blaine might suffocate himself if he kept his face buried long enough. Blaine crinkled his nose in response to the action and proceeded to bury his face deeper into the pillow instead.

“The way he clings for affection like that, for one. How he’s always looking for everyone’s approval,” Kurt sat down at the foot of the bed, keeping a fair amount of distance between him and Cooper. “I guess a lot of the way he’s acted and responded to things. I just never put much thought into it until now. I wish he’d have said something sooner.”

“He’s always held onto his secrets, even from me if he could help it,” Cooper finally tore his eyes away from Blaine to face Kurt. Kurt made a conscious effort not to squirm as they sat in silence. After a pregnant pause, Cooper added, “He told me about what happened between you two. The reason you guys broke up, I mean.”

“Before or after he became incapable of filtering his thoughts?” Kurt asked, his tone forcing the question to sound unintentionally bitter.

“After,” Cooper shook his head and sighed. “That first night alone I had with him in the hospital after he woke up. He could barely speak, but he just wouldn’t stop. He thought he imagined you being there when he woke up, kept saying it was impossible that you were actually there.” Kurt kept silent and took to watching Blaine sleep again in order to avoid having to face Cooper. “I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to calm him down. When I tried to tell him he wasn’t imagining it he just told me I was lying. He was getting so worked up, they had to sedate him. Some small part of me thought maybe he was over exaggerating how badly things ended between you two if you were sitting there beside me, looking at him the way you did, when he was saying you weren’t supposed to be. Like maybe he was just beating himself up like he always does.”

“And the other part?” Kurt asked robotically. A dull ache surfaced from the pit of his chest as his mind wandered askew towards the scene Cooper had described. He remembered the laborious effort Blaine had overexerted himself with just to speak a few simple words, let alone complete sentences. He also remembered the look on Blaine’s face when he had almost kissed his cheek as a force of habit and an insidious thought crawled into existence from his subconscious. ‘Was it my fault for setting him off like that?’

“The other part saw how conflicted you were. Noticed how it seemed like you were holding yourself back sometimes when you were around him. Like you were trying to remind yourself not to get too close.” Kurt shifted his eyes quickly in Cooper’s direction to discover he also had been watching Blaine again as he spoke. Neither of them could bear to face each other. In his brief glance, Kurt could not help but notice the worry lines decorating Cooper’s forehead as though they had become a permanent fixture. Another uncomfortable silence blanketed them again before Cooper asked, “Was it as bad as he made it out to be, Kurt?”

“Yes,” Kurt’s reply came as a strained whisper. He cleared his throat quietly in an effort to lend some semblance of strength to his voice. “After he told me, I just tried to completely ignore him. He would call and call and call, I wouldn’t answer. I finally sent him a text telling him to leave me alone, that I didn’t care how sorry he was and I didn’t want to hear from him anymore. So he stopped. My dad would try to ask what happened and I just didn’t want to deal with it, so I told him and everyone else not to talk to me about him. That we broke up and that was that. I tried to just move on with my life in New York and completely cut him out.”

“So what’s going on with you two now? Because the way it looks to me, something’s changed. What was going on back there?”

“To be honest, I don’t know,” Kurt admitted truthfully. “It’s been confusing for me ever since I got here. I’m just trying to figure it out as I go, Coop,” He scooted closer to the two of them and brushed his fingertips over Blaine’s bicep. Blaine immediately leaned into the touch, shifting his head to rest sideways on the pillow and continued to breathe quietly into the space between them.

“Kurt, if it’s confusing for you imagine how confusing it must be for him,” Cooper replied, his tone serious and concerned. “He can’t process things the way he used to anymore. You’ve seen that. And it’s not like I think you’re taking advantage of that, but I’m just,” Cooper stood up and crossed the room, his hands on his hips. “I’m just worried.”

“I understand,” Kurt twisted around to face him, taking care not to wake Blaine. “I’m not trying to hurt him, Cooper.”

“I’m not worried about you intentionally doing it, Kurt. I’m worried he gets his hopes up while you’re figuring things out. I’m worried he gets too attached too quickly because he can’t understand what’s happening and it doesn’t end up working out between you two again. I see how good you are with him, and I’m worried I’m not gonna be able to step in and take over if I have to pick up the pieces.” Cooper paced around the room, his eyes darting everywhere but the bed. Kurt could not help but compare him to Blaine, the way he could never keep still when his nerves had surmounted past the point of manageability and he needed to resort to walking himself into a rut in the ground.

“So what are you asking of me?”

“I don’t know,” Cooper stopped and studied the wall before turning to meet his gaze. “Just be careful with him. And don’t follow through with this if you’re just reacting out of pity.”

“I still love him,” Kurt replied quietly.

“Anyone with eyes has been able to see that, Kurt,” Cooper offered him a tired smile that did not quite reach his eyes.

“I’m trying to forgive him. Trying to rationalize everything that happened, trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe it was partly my fault too. I know I was trying to actively keep him out of my life after we broke up, but imagining him completely gone from the world? Coop, it killed me to think it was a possibility that I would never get to see or talk to him again. It just— It put a lot of things into perspective for me.” Kurt swallowed hard while his heart continued to palpitate frantically. It had been nearly a month since Blaine had woken up from his coma, but the memories of uncertainty as he watched him motionlessly clinging to life for a week straight still elicited the same feelings of anxiety. He slid his hand across the comforter and placed it atop Blaine’s, trying to tether himself back down towards equilibrium again. Blaine’s fingers twitched against the pillow.

“There’s something I wanted to ask you,” Cooper replied. Kurt tilted his head quizzically and he continued, “I only have his side of things, and even that has been pretty choppy. Can you tell me your side of what happened?”

Kurt opened his mouth and closed it again. After a moment of watching Blaine continue to sleep he responded, “Can we step outside? I could use some air. I’ll ask my dad to keep an eye on him, I’m sure he won’t mind.” Cooper nodded and left the room after they agreed to meet outside. Kurt leaned over and kissed Blaine’s cheek, breathing in the scent of raspberries from their bath earlier, before rummaging through the dresser drawers. He pulled out a navy blue hooded pullover sweatshirt and smiled as his eyes fell upon the image imprinted on the front of it. He ran his fingers fondly over the large Dalton logo before pulling it over his head and venturing off to find his father. Burt and Carole were still in the living room with Finn. Without the background noise of the movie it became completely obvious what their conversation must have entailed when the three of them abruptly stopped speaking once Kurt had entered the room.

“Very inconspicuous,” Kurt rolled his eyes. “Dad, can you keep an eye on Blaine? Cooper and I are just gonna go chat in the backyard for a little while.”

“Sure, bud,” Burt replied and Kurt left to meet Cooper.

Though it was late November, it had been a comfortable enough night to venture out in the sweatshirt he had borrowed from Blaine. Kurt pulled out a chair at the garden table and took the seat across from Cooper. He leaned back and brought one knee up close to his chest, hooking his arms around him so he could hold it steady and rest his chin atop it. Cooper leaned forward with his hands folded together on the table, waiting patiently. Kurt sifted through his memory of the chain of events leading up to that horrible night back in early October, having re-examined some things with new eyes within the last few weeks.

“I guess I should start with before I moved to New York,” he finally settled on. “I don’t know if he talked to you at all about anything that happened before that?”

“Just that he was going to miss you when you left, nothing too much deeper than that,” Cooper replied.

“We got into a big fight a little while before I was supposed to leave. We were both sort of distant with each other, not really communicating. He accused me of cheating on him because I was texting someone, but we cleared it all up. I set us up to talk to our guidance counselor afterwards though because I felt like he still wasn’t telling me everything, and you know how he is— you have to keep pulling teeth and start sifting through all the layers of everything he pretends to be upset about before you actually get to it.” Cooper nodded and Kurt continued. “He finally said he had been so distant because he felt like all we ever talked about was New York anymore and he was trying to get used to the idea of a life without me there. I tried to reassure him, told him we would talk and visit each other all the time, and that seemed like it was enough, you know? Looking back, I guess it was a little overly ambitious and unrealistic to think that way. But at the time, it just felt like he was blowing it all out of proportion and worrying over a problem that I didn’t think existed between us. And then he tried to bring it up again closer to my graduation, wanted to talk about the fact that we were going to be in a long distance relationship, that it was going to be hard and we would have to put the work in if we wanted to make sure we would stay together. I didn’t want to hear it. In my head, we were perfectly fine. I loved him and he loved me, and so I figured that was all there was to it. I just kept… shutting him down and writing it off every single time he wanted to talk about it because I didn’t see any issues with us.”

Cooper remained motionless across from him, leaning back against his seat with his arms folded against his chest. When he offered no comments, Kurt continued. “I bombed my NYADA audition and that’s when he really encouraged me to go to New York. Told me I didn’t belong in Ohio, that I was bigger than this place and it didn’t matter that I didn’t get into my dream school because I could find somethingto do there. I asked him about us, what would happen, and he told me we would be fine. That he would be there next year and it was my time to leave because it was killing him to see me unhappy here. So, I left. And, for lack of a better phrase, I got swept up in all of it. We would Skype together and talk from time to time, but I was so caught up in everything going on once I started working at Vogue that I didn’t really notice how it was affecting him. I,” Kurt swallowed and blinked rapidly, sending a few stray tears careening down his face. “I wasn’t doing it on purpose at first, I was just… busy. And he would just keep calling or texting to the point where I couldn’t keep up and I ended up missing calls and texting him back later and later. Then when he was running for student president, I purposely ignored his call. I was at a work thing and completely forgot about the election, I figured he was calling me again just because so... I ignored it. From there it just got worse. Again, not intentionally, but it just got a lot worse. I was busier than ever, we barely had time to talk and whenever we could get on the phone with each other I kept getting interrupted and had to go again.”

“Is this around the time he surprised you in New York?” Cooper asked when Kurt had paused for another moment to collect himself again.

“Yeah. After our last call I hadn’t been expecting him for another two weeks. He showed up the next day. And I just knewsomething was off. Something felt different. But when I asked him about it he just told me it had been a long flight and everything was fine, so I didn’t push it. We went out with Finn and Rachel to a piano bar and Blaine decided to perform, but he just… broke down as the song went on. We went for a walk afterwards and that’s when he told me he had hooked up with someone because he was lonely and I just shut down after that. I didn’t want to hear a word he said. I couldn’t look at him the same way. I just kept thinking I had all of these chances to cheat on him and I didn’t because I believed in us. Yeah, I had things to keep my mind occupied, but so did he, didn’t he? It wasn’t my fault he created his entire world around me and then told me to go off and live my life.”

Kurt roughly pressed his palms against his eyes and sniffled quietly. When he dropped his hands again he saw Cooper chewing on his thumbnail, staring at the glass garden tabletop. Neither of them spoke until the momentary pause transformed into an awkward silence that made Kurt squirm uncomfortably in his seat. He gave in and was the first to break it. “What are you thinking?”

Cooper lifted his gaze as though he was just noticing Kurt was sitting across from him and pulled his thumb away from his mouth. “Just that I’m sorry that things got so fucked up between you guys.”

“Yeah, well, like I said after everything he’s said today it’s easier to look back now and recognize all of the little things I chose to just ignore or completely write off because I had no idea where he was coming from,” Kurt shrugged.

“Still,” Cooper said seriously. “Him letting his pride get in the way of being able to talk to you or me and letting things build up until they inevitably explode doesn’t exactly mean he gets a free pass.”

“I don’t think it’s pride that makes him act that way,” Kurt sat up straighter and placed his hands beneath his thighs. Though it was not the typical chilly Ohio night for the time of year, his hands were beginning to feel clumsy and stiff. “I think he’s ashamed. I’m sorry to say this, cause I know it’s your father and all, but that asshole is a fucking bully and it’s pretty obvious that’s where a lot of Blaine’s insecurities stem from.”

“No offense taken there,” Cooper held up his hands. “I was just as shocked as you were today to hear the full extent of everything.”

“I mean, I knew he and Blaine didn’t exactly get along, he’s always only hinted at that and avoided the subject of him altogether at all costs most of the time, but after everything he said today it was a moment for me where the picture came into focus just a little bit clearer. I’ve just been going back and overanalyzing every little thing now. Everything he’s said, every time I thought he was being overly clingy or blowing things out of proportion. I don’t know if he necessarily realizes it, but maybe seeing that psychiatrist will do some good. So yeah, while I’m starting to see that maybe what happened between us was also partly my fault I also don’t believe it was entirely his fault because I would also have a pretty fucked up view of the world if my dad treated me anything like the way your dad has treated him.” Kurt pulled his hands out from beneath his thighs and took to fiddling with the drawstrings of the hood.

“I just can’t believe I never noticed it,” Cooper sighed heavily. “And I can’t believe he didn’t even tell me. He opened up so much more after he tried to kill himself, but couldn’t tell me about—” Cooper stopped abruptly, clearly aware of the fact that the secret had remained between him and Blaine up until now, and tried to backtrack. But Kurt had interrupted him, his voice a fleeting whisper amongst the crickets in the empty night, “Relax, I know about it. He told me last night. And he actuallytold me, it wasn’t just another time where he couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself.”

Cooper’s shoulders slumped and he leaned his head back against the mesh backing of the chair. “He begged me not to tell our parents. Said that he made a mistake and it would never happen again. I wanted to tell them, make them see the consequences of what they did to him, but he looked so terrified, I just couldn’t. He barely trusted me, if I betrayed that trust, I thought he’d never let me back in again.”

“How did they never find out if he was a minor though?” Kurt asked.

“I told them I was his father at the hospital,” Cooper responded quietly.

“And that worked?” Kurt stared at him incredulously.

“You’ve seen how small he is now, right? He was even worse then, looked so young and thin and sick,” Cooper paused and exhaled sharply. “There’s a ten year age difference between us, so I must have looked the part enough because they didn’t question it.”

“So that’s it? They just let you guys go?”

“Not exactly, they asked me if I wanted to have him committed to inpatient for a few days so they could monitor his behaviour,” Cooper had taken to staring up at the endless amounts of stars scattered across the clear sky. Kurt continued to watch him, hugging his knees tightly against his chest as though it would do anything to stop the ache in his heart as he pictured Blaine locked away in a padded room. “God, the look on his face when he heard that. He was terrified, Iwas fucking terrified, but I couldn’t do that to him. So they did an evaluation on him in the emergency department that took all night instead and then we were free to go.”

“Your parents never noticed or said anything about you guys being gone for so long?” Kurt had honestly been afraid to know the answer as the question left his lips.

“Our mother did,” Cooper’s smile was faint as the sadness seeped into his words. “So we lied. Said I took him out to Columbus to meet up with some of my old friends and I was too tired to drive back so we stayed the night. She didn’t question it.”

“Do you regret it?” Kurt asked quietly.

“For a while, I did,” Cooper shifted and sat up straight again, tearing his eyes away from the sky and focused on Kurt again. “I was so afraid I made the wrong choice, was so scared to leave him alone in case he tried to do it again. But he started letting me in more and more, and I thought maybe I did do the right thing by trying to help instead of push him into the hands of some stranger that he would not have been ready for. Would I make the same decision now though? I honestly don’t know. Maybe he would have learned how to process everything that’s happened with professional help when I clearly was not qualified.”

“He worships you, you know,” Kurt smiled weakly. “I think he definitely gets jealous sometimes, but I know he thinks very highly of you.”

“I shouldn’t have left again,” Cooper stated. “If I stayed, maybe I would have noticed more. Maybe he would have told—”

“You know he would have resented that,” Kurt interrupted him sternly. “He would have felt like he was holding you back and blamed himself for you giving up your dream.”

“I know you’re right,” Cooper sighed heavily again, the familiar trend of the evening. “But still.”

“I know,” Kurt unhooked his arms from around his knees and sluggishly dropped his feet to the ground. “You know, I’m glad we had this conversation. I was really dreading it back inside when you asked to help bring him to bed because I thought you were going to start laying into me about everything. I can see why he likes to talk to you about the heavy stuff.”

“Like I said, I’ve seen how good you are with him. I’m not trying to come between that, but you see where I’m coming from with being worried, don’t you?”

“I do,” Kurt propped his elbows onto the table and leaned forward to rest his chin atop his clasped hands. “I can’t promise you everything is going to work out between us, but I can promise I will always be here for him. For both of you. If this has shown me anything, it’s that I can’t just walk away. Whatever happens he’s always going to be my best friend.”

Cooper surveyed him carefully before nodding once. “It’s getting late; we should probably go relieve your dad.”

Kurt perked up as Cooper stood. “Can I stay with him again tonight?”

“You don’t need to ask my permission, Kurt. Of course you can. You mind if I take your bed then?”

“Not at all,” Kurt replied. When they walked back inside Carole and Finn had relocated to the kitchen and were conversing quietly. They both looked up and smiled as Kurt was sliding the screen door closed behind themselves.

“Surprised you guys are still up,” Cooper commented.

“Gossip never sleeps,” Kurt quipped, earning an eye roll from Finn.

“We’re not talking about you, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Finn replied.

“Then who?” Kurt eyed him suspiciously.

“It’s— it’s private,” Finn stammered out.

“Ah,” Kurt smiled, his instincts leading him to believe he had been talking to his mom about Rachel. “Well, I’ll leave you both to it then. Goodnight!” He waved his hand in a sort of dramatic salute before heading towards the guest room. As he drew near the door, the sound of his father’s voice caused him to lighten his footsteps and creep up quietly, melding against the wall beside the open door frame so he could listen.

“I’m so sorry, kiddo,” Kurt could hear the way his father’s voice wavered, the strain and the pain beneath his words. He took a chance and tilted his head towards the frame for a quick peek inside. Burt’s back was to the door, he was sitting on the edge of the bed speaking to Blaine, who appeared to still be asleep in the exact position Kurt and Cooper had left him in. “You didn’t deserve any of this. I wish I had gotten to you sooner, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe you wouldn’t have—”

When the quiet sob wracked his father’s body like a steam roller, cutting off his voice and reducing him to rubble, Kurt could not stand idly by any longer. He took a step into the room and slid a hand onto Burt’s shoulder, “Dad, you can’t go down that road.”

“It was rightoutside the shop, what if I could have stopped it?” Burt placed his hand on top of Kurt’s, doing nothing to stop the steady stream of tears. He had not lost his composure like this since he had dropped Kurt off at the airport to leave for New York.

“Stop it,” Kurt said sternly. “Dad, please. It’s no one’s fault but the homophobic assholes that did this. You did everything you could, and it’s probably the only reason he’s even alive. So please, don’t beat yourself up like this.”

“Sorry, bud. You’re right, I know you’re right,” Burt stood up and before Kurt knew it he was wrapped up in the tightest embrace he could ever remember his father giving him since his mother had passed away. “Everything go okay with Cooper?”

“Yeah, dad. It was a good talk,” They lingered in the embrace silently for a few seconds before Kurt let his head fall onto Burt’s shoulder. “How was he?”

“Quiet, hasn’t moved,” Burt patted Kurt’s back lightly and they broke apart finally.

“Good, maybe he’ll be able to sleep through the night for once,” Kurt replied, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. As if on cue, Blaine shoved the pillow away and sent it careening over the side of the bed. Still asleep, he blindly began groping around the mattress. Kurt slipped his hand into one of Blaine’s, who surprised him when he forcibly tugged on his arm with more strength than he had anticipated. Kurt grunted softly as he was pulled towards Blaine’s chest and leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Let me get changed and I’ll lie down. No, honey, don’t you pout at me, I’ll be right back, I’m not going far.”

Blaine reluctantly released him and he stood up again, keeping his voice low as he walked with Burt towards the door. “Thanks for watching him.”

“Of course, bud,” Burt shuffled awkwardly in the doorway. Kurt raised an eyebrow questioningly. “I dunno the extent of what happened between you boys, and it’s none of my business if you don’t want it to be—”

“We’ll talk about it, dad, I promise. Just… not tonight. I’m afraid I’m a little talked out after today,” Kurt flashed a tired smile and Burt nodded.

“Alright, deal. Get some sleep,” Burt embraced him one more time and kissed the top of his head. “Love you.”

“Love you too, dad,” Kurt closed the door quietly behind him on his way out and returned to the dresser to borrow a set of pajamas from Blaine rather than disturb Cooper to retrieve them from his own room. He hastily changed his clothes and climbed into bed where Blaine immediately nestled against his side and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Kurt squirmed as his warm breath tickled his skin and sent goosebumps all the way down to his thighs. “Goodnight, you,” Kurt whispered, but Blaine was already fast asleep again.

____________________________________________________________________

The next few days passed by in a series of good ones and bad ones. By the time Thursday had finally rolled around, Kurt sat at the kitchen table feeling as though it had taken an entire month to arrive instead of the actual two days that had passed. Blaine had not been able to sleep through a single night without being plagued by nightmares, so Kurt and Cooper had taken to watching him in shifts. The previous morning had been an especially bad one. At 6 a.m. Blaine had jolted awake, panting heavily in the dark, and Kurt had been completely prepared for the routine to reorient and console him until—

“Who are you? W-Where am I?”

Kurt froze with his hands raised in midair as Blaine had recoiled, staring at him in terror. While Blaine had always had trouble discerning his surroundings, he had never forgotten who Kurt was before.

“Blaine, it’s me—” Kurt had barely been able to find his voice, the words coming out tiny and frightened as he remained still so he would not further startle him.

“Please, don’t hurt me,” Blaine began sobbing hysterically and proceeded to frantically shift away from Kurt towards the edge of the bed. Kurt’s heart leapt into his throat as he lunged towards him and wrapped an arm around his torso to keep him from falling off the side of the bed and hitting his head. Blaine, completely oblivious to the imminent danger Kurt had been saving him from, sobbed harder and began writhing under his grip. The words came rushing out of his mouth so quickly Kurt was not even sure he was breathing in between. “Don’t hurt me— Please, just let me go— I won’t tell anyone— Please, I swear I won’t— Please, please don’t hurt me—”

“Blaine, I’m not going to hurt you!” Kurt tried to speak over him without shouting, but Blaine continued to plead and cry loudly. He curled his fingers tightly over Kurt’s forearm, struggling to break free of his hold. “Blaine, please,” Kurt’s voice cracked as his own tears of fear and frustration started to overtake. “Sweetheart, it’s me. It’s Kurt—”

“I don’t know anyone named Kurt!” Blaine shouted and sobbed again, sputtering almost incoherently between giant gasps of air. “You— You have me confused with someone—”

Kurt could feel the knife being plunged into his chest and the slow twist of the blade, but he choked down whatever sorrow he was feeling and tried to remain calm. “Blaine, I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. I’m a friend of your brother Cooper, he’s here too.” That seemed to grab Blaine’s attention. His grip on Kurt’s arm loosened momentarily before he tightened it again, digging his fingernails into the skin and shook his head frantically.

“No. No, you’re trying to trick me—”

“I’m not. I promise, I’m not. He’s downstairs, I can call him to come up here right now. I just have to reach my phone and I can call him. But you have to promise me you’re not going to move when I let go, I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself. Okay?” Kurt spoke calmly and slowly, hoping his tone was enough to portray his concern. Blaine still seemed hesitant to believe him. “I will let you go and I’ll go stand on the other side of the room, I’m not gonna hurt you. I’ll put the phone on speaker and you can hear that it’s Cooper I’m calling, okay?”

Blaine studied his expression, his eyes moving so frantically it was enough to make Kurt‘s head spin. After what felt like an eternity, Blaine’s fingers slackened around his arm and Kurt used all of his willpower not to flinch as the pressure was relieved from the tiny little cuts where Blaine’s nails had been buried. “Show me his number as you’re dialing it,” Blaine stated determinedly, as though he was convinced he would call Kurt on his bluff to actually be calling his brother. Kurt agreed and tentatively lifted his arm away from Blaine so he could roll over and grab his phone off of the nightstand.

“Here, I’ll put it on speaker and you can see then I’ll go stand over there if you want me to, okay?” Kurt tried to swallow the lump in his throat as Blaine put as much distance between them as possible and nodded once. Kurt held the phone between them so Blaine could plainly see that he was punching in Cooper’s number. Blaine continued to stare at the device, his eyes flitting back and forth between Kurt and the screen as he hugged his arms around himself tightly.

“Kurt, what’s wrong? Is he okay?” Cooper’s worried voice came flying over the speaker after just one ring.

“Can you come upstairs, Coop? He’d really like to see you,” Kurt watched Blaine’s expression change in an instant as he continued to stare at the phone in disbelief.

“Coming right up,” Cooper responded and hung up.

“See? You’re safe,” Kurt said soothingly despite the fact that he wanted nothing more than to break down into tears himself.

“Do I really know you? Why can’t I remember you? Where are we? How did I get here?” Blaine tilted his head up as Kurt put his phone away. The confusion and absolute panic etched on his face and in his tone of voice was enough for another sharp twist of the imaginary blade in Kurt’s heart right now.

“I’ll let Cooper explain,” Kurt’s voice wavered as he concentrated on preventing a fresh onslaught of tears. Within seconds, Cooper came running into the room, panting quietly. Kurt stood up quickly and left without uttering another word.

Kurt pushed away the recollection and took a long sip of his coffee as he watched Blaine, sat opposite him at the table, struggle to keep his hand steady enough to lift a spoonful of cereal up to his mouth. Blaine’s memory had returned shortly after the incident, but it had taken Cooper and Kurt another hour to calm him down once he had learned he could not remember who Kurt was. Though it had not been his fault, Kurt could not help but feel a slight sting at having been completely wiped away from Blaine’s memory. He set his mug down just as Blaine had propped elbows up onto the table and brought his chin to rest on his hands, staring daggers at the spoon in the full bowl of cereal. Behind them Carole had been bustling about, preparing everything for dinner that evening while Finn stood in front of the toaster oven, drumming quietly on the countertop with his fingers.

“Would you like some help?” Kurt shifted his chair closer to him and Blaine continued to scowl at the bowl.

“I’m useless, I can’t even do this,” Blaine said bitterly before dropping his arms onto the table, his balled fists thudding quietly against the wood.

“Stop that. What did we talk about yesterday?” Kurt brought his hand to rest over one of his hands and Blaine sighed loudly in response.

“It’s not my fault and will get better if I keep practicing,” Blaine recited mechanically.

“And?” Kurt prompted.

“And,” Blaine allowed his fist to be opened up so Kurt could lace their fingers together. “Some days might be better or worse than others and that’s okay.”

“And it’s okay to ask for help,” Kurt finished for him and leaned over to press a kiss onto his cheek.

“Can you help me, please?” Blaine mumbled, clearly still uncomfortable and embarrassed with the idea.

“Yes, I can,” Kurt lifted their hands together and guided Blaine’s over to the spoon. He helped to curl his clumsy fingers over the handle and kept his hand over Blaine’s as they lifted it up together. Blaine leaned forward too quickly and the sudden motion had caused their hands to jerk, spilling cheerios and milk onto the table. He groaned loudly in frustration.

“Forget it, I’m not hungry,” Blaine tried to pull his hand away but Kurt would not let him.

“Try again, come on,” Kurt prompted gently. Blaine glared at the mess on the table but agreed. The second attempt had been more successful. Kurt continued to help him before releasing his hand for the last few spoonfuls, which Blaine had managed to do, albeit at a much slower pace, on his own. “See?” Kurt smiled encouragingly and Blaine responded with a timid smile.

“You’re amazing; how could I ever forget you?” Blaine blurted out and proceeded to turn bright red. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“I already told you,” Kurt scooted his chair right beside Blaine’s so their thighs were touching and gently pulled him closer to his body. “There is nothing to be sorry for.”

Blaine immediately melded into his side and let his head fall onto Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt wrapped an arm around him as he leaned forward to retrieve his mug and continued to drink his coffee. Finn took a seat at the table across from them and proceeded to squeeze a packet of white icing onto a toaster strudel. They sat quietly at the table, the rest of breakfast passing by peacefully with the quiet sound of Carole humming in the background as she prepared the turkey.

Sometime later in the afternoon, Kurt and Blaine had retreated to the living room to watch a repeat of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as the kitchen had begun to get a little too overstimulating to Blaine’s liking. Finn had taken to laying on his side on the floor in front of them, his head propped up on his hand, and they had been taking turns commenting on the musical performances and random glimpses of people in the crowd. As the performance for the Cinderella musical was wrapping up, Cooper had walked into the room and dropped down into one of the armchairs, staring at his phone.

“What time are you leaving for the airport?” Kurt picked up on his anxious expression and Blaine tore his gaze away from the television to glance between them.

“Probably in an hour or so. Flight tracker says everything is running on time, so if I time it right I can get there as it lands,” Cooper placed his phone onto his lap. The screen was still lit up with the flight information on the airline phone application.

“You hear from them before the flight?” Kurt felt Blaine suddenly tense up against him and rubbed his hand along his upper arm.

“No—”

“Figures,” Blaine mumbled.

“But,” Cooper continued, “Mom left a voicemail sometime in the middle of the night saying she can’t wait to come see us.”

“She did?” Blaine replied doubtfully. “Can— Can I hear it?”

“Yeah, of course,” Cooper fiddled with his phone and crossed the room to hand it to him once he had navigated to his voicemail inbox. Blaine immediately tapped on her name and pressed the phone to his ear, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he waited for her voice. Kurt could not help but feel sad as he watched him. The hopeful expression mingled with disbelief was apparent all over his face as though he thought Cooper had been lying to him. He had become so outspoken in voicing his doubts lately, and while Kurt was glad to see him finally verbalizing his concerns more often it still left him feeling melancholy to discover just how much Blaine doubted everyone around him.

“She really sounds like she means it, Coop!” Blaine said excitedly and pulled the phone away from his ear just enough to tap on her name again and replay the message.

“Yeah,” Cooper smiled weakly, but Blaine had been too caught up in his reaction to notice it. Kurt, however, could also see the fear on Cooper’s face behind the smile. He knew how nervous Cooper was for the reunion. They had briefly spoken during the previous nights about the implications and possible effects it would have on Blaine should things go in the complete opposite direction of what Blaine was expecting. Especially if Mr. Anderson had actually decided to accompany their mother on the journey home, despite Cooper’s insistence that he stay away. He reached his hand out and gave Cooper a gentle pat on the arm, hoping to offer some tiny token of reassurance. Cooper smiled appreciatively and retreated back to the armchair just as the parade had returned from a commercial break.

The next hour passed by in the blink of an eye and before they knew it, Cooper was bidding them goodbye and out the door. Kurt had decided to venture into the kitchen to help with dinner, but Carole and Burt both shooed him away, telling him to relax and enjoy the holiday. He took his seat next to Blaine again, who was watching a repeat of March of the Wooden Soldiers with Finn, and began texting Isabelle. He had been communicating with her and Rachel almost religiously for the past two days, but he chose to withhold a little more information from Rachel than he did with Isabelle. Deep down, he was not ready to deal with Rachel’s remarks after his kiss with Blaine considering how often she was still trying to talk him into coming back to New York. So while he kept her updated on Blaine’s medical status and the doctor appointments and upcoming surgery, he was careful to keep his emotional responses regarding the situations to a minimum with her for the time being. It was not that he did not trust her, but her constant need to spearhead every conversation and convert it into another attempt at what she called a ‘Blainervention’ was beginning to whittle away his patience towards her. Isabelle, on the other hand, received every detail of Kurt’s concerns and emotional status. She had been the only one to offer him unbiased advice and he never once felt judged by her whenever he took to rambling or recounting the previous days’ events.

Isabelle 6:09 p.m. What time should I stop by?

Kurt 6:11 p.m. We’re still waiting to eat dinner, Cooper’s still not back.

Isabelle 6:12 p.m. Nervous?

Kurt 6:12 p.m. Extremely. I just hope it goes okay. Coop let Blaine listen to a voicemail from their mom before he left and he sounded sooooo excited about it. I just don’t want to see him get his hopes up and get hurt.

Isabelle 6:15 p.m. Any word on if she’s flying solo or not?

Kurt 6:17 p.m.

Not a clue. We’ll find out soon though.

Kurt 6:18 p.m. If you want to come by whenever you’re done eating and don’t mind hanging out here that would be fine. My parents won’t mind

Isabelle 6:20 p.m. We’re sitting down now so I’ll keep you updated! Ciao darling! <3

Kurt shoved his phone back into his pocket and turned his attention to Blaine and Finn. They were both laughing along to the movie, completely engrossed and unaware of their surroundings. Kurt smiled gratefully for the fact that today, so far, had turned out to be a good day and hoped the remainder of the evening was going to treat them just as kindly. Another half hour passed by before Kurt noticed headlights approaching the driveway. He checked his phone to be sure he had not missed any messages from Isabelle and, upon seeing he had not received any new messages except from Rachel wishing him a happy Thanksgiving and begging him for a phone call soon, he assumed it had to be Cooper pulling up to the house. He protectively slid an arm around Blaine and braced himself for their entrance. Through his heart pounding in his ears he was able to make out the sound of jingling keys and the gentle creak as the door slid open.

“Blaine?”

All three of them turned towards the door as Cooper’s voice cut through the noise on the television. He stepped inside and trailing behind him was a short woman with shoulder length, thick curly black hair and bright hazel eyes to match her son’s. Out of his peripheral vision, Kurt could see Blaine staring at the doorway like a deer in headlights. It was as though he had been expecting a trick to be played on him all along and never imagined his mother would actually be walking in through the doorway as she had promised she would. Kurt gave Blaine’s side a gentle nudge and raised his eyebrows towards the door.

“Kurt, is this real?” Blaine whispered to him as Cooper helped his mother out of her coat.

“Yes, say hello,” Kurt whispered back.

“H-Hi, mom,” Blaine said shyly. She beamed and approached him so quickly with outstretched arms his first reaction was to shrink back against Kurt. She frowned and dropped her arms slowly to her sides.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy to see me?”

“Go slow, mom,” Cooper closed the closet door after hanging up her coat.

“That’s how dad comes towards me when he’s going to—” Blaine clapped his hands over his mouth and the remainder of his accidental sentiment came out muffled. “Hit me. Goddamnit, stop talking.”

“Honey, it’s okay,” Kurt whispered and rubbed his arm soothingly. “She was just going to hug you.”

Mrs. Anderson continued to frown before deciding to drop down onto her knees in front of them. Blaine sluggishly lowered his hands, still leaning all of his weight against Kurt as he watched her. “Sorry, I have trouble— It’s hard for me to—”

“It’s okay, my little love.” Kurt could not help but notice how alike they looked. Her eyes squinted with the magnitude of her smile, something Blaine used to do so often but it had now become such a rare occurrence. “You take your time.” This seemed to be enough to flip the switch for Blaine. He lunged forward, throwing his arms around her neck, and nearly sent both of them toppling to the ground.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Blaine’s face became lost in the wild mess of her hair as she embraced him tightly.

“I promised I would,” she replied.

“Is it just you or,” he trailed off, leaning back just enough to make his face visible again.

“Your father’s at home, that’s why it took us a little longer, he wanted to be dropped off,” She had said the words so strenuously Kurt could tell she would never have even considered uttering them at all had Blaine not asked first.

“Oh,” Blaine replied quietly.

Burt and Carole walked into the room wearing matching kitchen aprons and both Kurt and Finn had to cover their mouths to stifle their laughter. Burt ignored them and cleared his throat politely. “Hello, nice to meet you.”

Blaine and his mother slowly broke apart and Kurt noticed him drag his knuckles over his eyes a few times as he came to lean back against him on the couch. He snaked his arm around his shoulders again, pulling him close, and turned back to watch the exchange between their parents. Mrs. Anderson stood up, straightening her blouse before approaching them and holding out her hand. “Hello, Burt and Carole, right?” They nodded and each of them took a turn shaking her hand. She smiled politely. “I’m Emilia. Cooper’s filled me in a little bit on how helpful you’ve been with taking care of Blaine.”

“Well, he is part of our family,” Burt said and Kurt could hear the touch of anger in his voice that he was clearly struggling to reign in. He shot him a warning look to remind him of their conversation the previous day to keep things civil for Blaine’s sake. Burt softened his tone. “He’s a good kid, we’re happy to help.”

“Well, now that we’re all here I hope everyone’s hungry,” Carole announced.

“We’ll meet you inside,” Kurt responded. They filed into the kitchen, leaving them alone and Blaine let out a long sigh as though he had been holding his breath the entire time. Kurt continued to massage his arm. “You doing okay?”

“I keep expecting to wake up any minute now,” Blaine replied. The undertones of self-conscious anxiety infected his words and contorted his face with worry and doubt. “I expected anything else besides her standing in front of me right now. There were always excuses whenever she promised anything. I can’t believe she’s here.”

Kurt did not know what to say. He patted his arm lightly and spoke quietly, his voice shaky as he tried to fight down the overwhelming sadness he felt towards Blaine right now, “Let’s not keep her waiting then.” He withdrew his arm and stood up, checking the brakes on the wheelchair before leaning over Blaine again. He hooked his arms around Kurt’s neck and closed his eyes as Kurt slowly pulled him into a standing position and paused. Blaine swayed lightly in his arms as he balanced on his good leg and opened his eyes after nearly a minute, “Okay, I’m ready.” Kurt guided him down into the chair and unlocked the brakes.

“Are you happy that she’s here?”

The fact that Blaine had to stop and contemplate the question made Kurt feel like he had already had his answer, but Blaine spoke quietly when they started moving towards the kitchen, “I think so. I don’t know. I’m pretty fucking scared, to be honest.”

Kurt stopped and looked down to see Blaine fidgeting with his fingers in his lap. Somehow, this had been the real answer he was expecting, but it still made him sad to hear Blaine admit it aloud. “Whatever happens, we’re all here for you, Blaine. I know it’s all very,” Kurt hated to use the next word. He hated that every aspect of Blaine’s life seemed to boil down to one four syllable word, including their own dilemma.

“Complicated,” Blaine finished for him.

“Complicated,” Kurt repeated quietly before relocating in front of him and kneeling down. Blaine continued to writhe and twist his hands together, staring down at his lap. It was becoming such a familiar scene these days. Kurt slid his hands along Blaine’s thighs and laced their fingers together, squeezing his hands gently. “We’re here for you every step of the way, okay?” Blaine nodded wordlessly and Kurt leaned forward to kiss his cheek, feeling Blaine leaning into the kiss. Kurt twisted his head and pressed his lips affectionately to Blaine’s, who pulled his hands free and slid his arms around Kurt’s neck as he returned the kiss. It could have lasted ten seconds or ten minutes. Neither of them were sure.

“Are you ready?” Kurt asked breathlessly once they had pulled apart. Blaine closed his eyes and nodded once. Kurt pressed one more delicate, quick kiss against his lips before they went into the kitchen to join everyone else.

Throughout dinner it was easy to see where Blaine and Cooper had picked up their natural ability to charm and effortlessly interact with anyone they met. There had not been one moment of silence as Emilia regaled them all with stories of Blaine and Cooper growing up. She seemed especially eager to hear about Kurt as well, asking all sorts of questions and grinning wildly as Burt had obliged in her requests. Kurt sat beside Blaine, their hands clasped together under the table, and kept shooting glances at him between their bursts of laughter. He looked happy, but still seemed guarded— afraid to let himself get too comfortable in the idea of what was turning out to be an extremely normal family dinner. Emilia sat opposite them at the table and very often brought her gaze to rest on Blaine, the joy in her eyes so apparent Kurt thought there was absolutely no chance it was not genuine. But he also thought back to the number of times Blaine’s house had been an empty wasteland whenever he visited, the way Blaine went out of his way to avoid speaking about both of his parents with such pain and sadness in his request to drop the subject and Kurt had to remind himself to also be wary of her intentions. He had heard her on speakerphone the few days prior saying she would explain everything to Blaine once she had returned. Whatever it was she had prepared to say to him, Kurt hoped it would be just as genuine as the way she was portraying herself to be now. In the middle of one of Emilia’s stories about how Blaine used to put on living room performances when he was six and drag Cooper along as one of his props the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” Kurt scooted his chair back. “It’s probably Isabelle.”

With some effort he pulled his hand free from Blaine’s, who seemed to be unconsciously gripping it as though it was a lifeline tethering him down to earth. Kurt kissed his cheek and excused himself to answer the door while Emilia continued her story. When he swung the door open though, it was not Isabelle as he had expected, but Detective Carson. His hair was unruly as ever, loose strands peeking out from beneath his hat, and his expression was serious, yet sincere beneath rosy, windswept cheeks.

“Hello, Kurt. Sorry to interrupt your holiday like this, but this couldn’t wait. Could I come in for a minute?”

Kurt’s brain took a moment to process the request before he stumbled over his words, “Yeah, of course.” He took a step back to allow Detective Carson enough space to step through the doorway and then quietly closed the door behind him. “Does this mean you have news?”

“Not exactly, I’m afraid. I was hoping to speak with Blaine. There was another attack. We were able to get a composite sketch of one of the attackers based off of the victim’s description, I was hoping to see if it’s someone Blaine recognizes so we can figure out if they’re connected in any way.”

“Oh,” Kurt cast an uneasy glance towards the kitchen. “I see. Let me go get him. Please, have a seat.”

As Kurt approached the kitchen the physical atmosphere of the room transformed. The last thing he wanted to do was pull Blaine away from the warmth and joy he had finally been able to find himself in, but he knew Detective Carson was right in his urgency for haste. If these had indeed been the same people who attacked Blaine, it was only a matter of time before someone else came next. He approached Blaine and leaned over to whisper in his ear while the conversation around them continued.

“Detective Carson is here; he was hoping to talk to you.”

To say Blaine was caught completely off guard would have been an understatement. Without even touching him Kurt could tell every muscle in his body had seized up at the thought of having to recount whatever fragmented pieces of the assault he could remember. “I can keep everyone else in here and get Cooper to go with––”

“No, I want you both there,” Blaine rushed out in a frantic whisper.

“Okay,” Kurt placed his hand on his shoulder and straightened up. “Excuse me?” Cooper had stopped talking and everyone looked towards Kurt. “Coop, I need you to come in the other room with us for a minute. Could everyone else please stay here? We’ll just be a few minutes.”

“Everything alright, bud?” Burt asked, the concern heavy on his face. Emilia looked perplexed as she shifted her attention between Blaine and Kurt. Kurt was not sure how much information Blaine wanted to give away and was trying to come up with some sort of excuse for their need for privacy when Blaine suddenly spoke up.

“Detective wants to talk to me again,” he mumbled.

“Sweetie, do you want me to come with you?” Emilia asked.

“No!” Blaine responded a little too loudly, causing her to look taken aback. “No,” he lowered his voice and blindly searched for the levers to unlock the brakes of the wheelchair. Kurt reached down to guide his hands over them, letting Blaine unlock them himself once his hands were in the proper spot. “Please just… just stay here?” Emilia nodded wordlessly, looking extremely unsettled.

“Watch your hands,” Kurt said quietly to Blaine and proceeded to wheel him back away from the table once he had folded his hands onto his lap. Cooper patted his mother’s arm gently and followed them out into the living room where Detective Carson had remained standing, shuffling in place as he passed his hat between his hands.

“Hello again, Blaine. Sorry to bother you all on Thanksgiving like this,” Detective Carson offered his usual sympathetic smile. Kurt positioned the wheelchair to face the couch and took a seat in front of Blaine. Cooper took a seat beside him. Detective Carson remained standing near the front door.

“Kurt said you wanted to talk to me?” Blaine asked apprehensively.

“Yes, there was another boy who was attacked and we’re trying to figure out if it’s connected at all with your case.”

Blaine sat stiffly, his hands clasped tightly together. “How can I help?”

“We have a rough composite sketch based on the victim’s description,” Blaine flinched visibly at the word ‘victim’ and Kurt placed a hand on his knee. “Can you tell me if you recognize the person in this sketch?” Detective Carson pulled out a folded piece of paper from the inside of his jacket and held it out to Blaine, who did not reach for it. Kurt took the paper from him and smoothed it out against his knee before showing it to Blaine. The boy in the sketch had shoulder length, dark stringy hair. His cheeks were sunken in, giving him the skeletal appearance of a corpse. His eyes were dark and unforgiving, he almost looked bored. Scattered across his face was an overabundance of freckles of different shapes and sizes and his thin lips were warped into the ugliest frown Kurt had ever seen. Blaine’s reaction was instantaneous. He inhaled sharply and clamped his eyes shut, turning his head as far away as possible from the sketch.

“Blaine,” Kurt said softly as the muscles and veins in Blaine’s neck became more pronounced. It made Kurt’s neck ache just to watch him overextend himself in such an extreme angle. “Honey, do you recognize him?”

“I do.”

When the sullen, irate voice answered him, Kurt’s head swung with such force there was an audible crack that permeated the silence that soon fell after the quiet confession had been uttered. It was not Blaine that had spoken, but Cooper.

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