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talesofafangirlwithadvr · 3 years

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Jan/Feb 2021 Picks

HELLO! It’s been a while, but I’M BACK!! Life has gotten a lot busier as I started Grad School this January. So, I feel it may be tough being on time with future Monthly Wraps like I’ve done in the past with working on my MFA, and my job. I’m going to probably do more seasonal wrap ups when I get the time. I also think I’ll be posting more individual posts as I watch an episode. Because even with a busier schedule, there is always time for TV and there’s so much I want to talk about!

You know the drill. Spoilers are coming.....

You’ve been warned :)

WANDAVISION

I want to start off by mentioning that I have not watched this week’s episode yet. So the last one I saw was EPISODE 6 with Halloween in the late 90s/early 2000s.

THIS SHOW! OMG.

I didn’t know what I was signing up for when I watched the first episode and I have been blown away. It is such a cool concept and I love the fact that everyone who watches it is confused. There have been so many interesting theories out there and I am so curious what is going to wind up being true. I love all the nods to old sitcoms and TV shows as well as all the MCU Easter Eggs. (I mean they got X-men’s Quicksilver-like WOW.) It feels really Black Mirror at times with the breaking of the fourth wall. I will never be able to shake the feeling I got in Episode 3, when Vision reversed. (And then I saw a bunch of videos with him looking at the camera as Wanda looks at the TV. Eww I don’t like it, but it’s such a good move on their point.) I love the outside plot as well and the characters who were previously side characters in other MARVEL movies. The love for Jimmy Woo is astounding and I’m here for it. I’m glad it’s Friday, so I can watch the next episode. I’m just upset that we’re so close to the show ending. The next Disney Plus Marvel shows better be just as good. Wandavision set the bar high.

NANCY DREW

If you’ve visited this page recently, you know I have a very strong love for this show. It is the only one I am still watching religiously on the CW and I am tuning in the night it airs. (That is HUGE for me.) IT IS JUST SO GOOD AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START....

2x05 just aired, which would have been the season 1 finale before COVID and I have it saved on my DVR to watch again. There’s just so much I want to relive and catch that I missed the first watch through. It would have been SUCH A GOOD FINALE, but I’m happy that we can continue with new episodes starting next week. And with the way it ended...there’s so much I need to know!! I’m just curious how fast they’re going to develop certain plots. I love the Drew Crew and how they are a family. Each character is so well developed and their chemistry is great. I love learning more about each of them and watching them develop. My favorite character is definitely Ace. I love all his witty lines and how he is opening up more to the group as well as to us, the audience, as we get more of a look into his personal life. I enjoy all of his scenes with his dad and specifically liked when they were celebrating Shabbat. (I am also here for the Nancy and Ace content. I gush more about this on my other blog: lydia-whogowith-stiles. Check it out if you want to hear more.)

THE WATCH

When I watched the Christmas special (or was it New Years? and why does that feel so long ago) of Doctor Who, BBC America kept advertising a new show called the Watch. Due to the extensive amount of commercials, I decided to tape the first two episodes (which premiered back to back) to see what it was all about. I was unaware that this series is based on the book series created by Terry Pratchett. When I came to see if people were talking about it on Tumblr, I saw that a lot of people didn’t like it because of how drastically different it was. As I was unfamiliar with the original, I can’t compare. The TV show was eight episodes and I just watched the last one that aired this past Sunday. I definitely liked the first half of the season more (I noticed my mind start to drift as I watched later ones), but thought the finale was good. I really enjoyed how they incorporated the theme song. I didn’t realize the connection earlier and now can’t stop humming it. (I don’t know if there will be another season or not.) I enjoyed the characters and how it was like nothing I’ve seen on TV before. It got me thinking a lot about blending genres. I would still recommend checking it out.

ZOEY’S EXTRORDINARY PLAYLIST

I was VERY excited for this show to come back. I loved the first season so much. It’s just such a heartfelt show and it helped me survive the early parts of quarantine. So far, this season I am noticing how detailed the musical performances are. Mandy Moore is doing an AMAZING job. The choreography is *chefs kiss* I also feel like the song choices have been great and not always the ones I think that would be picked. We are getting to learn more about each character and watch Zoey and her family as they continue life after losing Mitch. I am here for Mo and Max’s restaurant. I think the concept would be so cool in real life. Who knows maybe we’ll see one now. (Max’s rendition of ‘Numb’ was amazing. I’ve never heard the song like that and I think it might be one of my favorites of the season so far.) I hope Max and Zoey get back together by the end of the season. It did feel fast, so I do understand why they had to break up, but it still makes me sad that we watched them get together and then it was taken away from us. The last episode before the break was so powerful and I think the show did an amazing job applying real world issues into their plot. It did not feel forced at all and brought so much awareness. Upset we have to wait so long for a new episode.

SECRETS OF SULPHUR SPRINGS

Are you looking for a good mystery, but don’t think Disney Channel can provide it? Think again. I have to say, when I started watching I was not expecting this show to be a part of my monthly picks. It pleasantly surprised me. The show involves the mystery of a young girl, Savannah, who went mysteriously missing at camp back in the 90s. Apparently, her ghost still haunts the hotel that was on the camp grounds to this day. Then Griffin and his family buy the hotel with intent of fixing it up and reopening it after all these years. The people in the town think they’re crazy because of its past. But there’s something more going on with Griffin’s dad as well as some of the other adults in the town. They know something about Savannah’s disappearance, but aren’t saying anything about it. While this is a kid’s show (and only half hour episodes) it has been interesting to see where the story will go. I’m sure I am imagining much more intense things for her disappearance than what actually happened. It’s also not super cheesy or have bad acting, which is refreshing. (I really feel Disney Channel has gone down.) Either way, I don’t know how many episodes are left to air, but I think we’re pretty close to the end. If you’re looking for a quick, entertaining mystery I would highly recommend.

MISS SCARLET AND THE DUKE

And here come my period pieces (ironically both from Masterpiece/PBS this time). I know last year I felt like I watched a lot of historical watches at the beginning of the year. We’ll see if that continues to happen this year too. It does serve as a nice escape. Plus, these are some really good stories.

Miss Scarlet and the Duke is a part of Masterpiece Mystery on PBS, although it aired on a different network in the UK. It is (another) mystery series (shocking I know with that title!) It follows Eliza Scarlet who has a nose for mystery, but as a woman living in the Victorian era does not have any rights except for being a wife and mother (two things she would rather not be). When her father dies (apparently from a heart attack...emphasis on apparently), she takes over his Private Investigator business. Much to the dismay of long time family friend William “The Duke” who is a Detective Inspector for Scotland Yard. Eliza is often in his office as she gets arrested for being places she shouldn’t or trying to get information out of him. This element of Eliza having to work in a very male dominated Victorian society is one that I feel I haven’t really seen on a TV show. I really like her dynamic with William. There’s always that feeling of “will they won’t they,” but I don’t feel the show just focuses on that. The mystery is the heart of it all. This last week’s episode was REALLY GOOD. As we got to find out more regarding her father’s death. I hear a lot of people want a season 2 and I am right there with them. This show deserves it.

ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL

Another PBS Masterpiece watch. I love this show, so much more than I was anticipating. It is so heartfelt and makes me so happy and in a good mood after watching it. It follows James Herriot who has recently graduated from veterinary school, but is struggling finding a job. Then he gets a call from Siegfried Farnon’s veterinary practice in Yorkshire. Siegfried is known for having a harsh demeanor and temper, so the assistants he hires don’t often last long. Spoiler alert, that should be pretty obvious, James does. The cast of characters are so lovely and I like all their relationships with one another. The show takes places in the 1930s and I realized I don’t often watch things in this era, so that has been fun to explore. The sets and locations are BEAUTIFUL. In the episodes, we often get these amazing shots that sweep over the exterior and I want to travel to Yorkshire like tomorrow. (See more escapism, it’s great.) The main plot follows everyone interact in the town and watching James become a more confident and experienced veterinarian (which I decided I could never do after watching). I heard that it has been renewed for a second season so that is so fantastic.

FATE: THE WINX SAGA

The first things I heard about this show was how disappointed everyone was in how they decided to adapt the Winx Club show from their childhood. On this I can agree, but I decided to watch the show anyway. I pretended that it was something new entirely and I have to say I enjoyed it. Of course, there were parts that bothered me and then I had to remember it was a teen show, so angst would be annoying. I think overall it was too short (and should have at least 8 or 10 episodes), but I’m happy that they were able to conclude the main plot well. (Although we did get that cliffhanger, but it is exciting that it was released the show just got renewed for a second season the other day.) I really liked Silva-mainly because it was great seeing Thomas from Downton Abbey in something else. I also enjoyed seeing Jacob Duchman in more things. It was a surprise to see him in Medici and I am just happy he is adding more to his IMDB.

Quick and addicting watch. Add it to your queue. Just forget it’s supposed to be based on something else.

BLOWN AWAY SEASON 2

Continuing with the Netflix picks, one of my FAVORITE picks from 2020 got a season 2 and it is already on Netflix! That’s right Blown Away season 2 is now available. I seriously loved the first season of this show SO MUCH! Glass blowing is such a magical process and I am mesmerized every time I watch it. It felt weird starting this show with all new contestants, but then Alex came back as a guest judge and I was so happy. It is just as addicting and I cannot wait to see who wins this season. I am just trying not to rush the episodes.

VIOLETTA SEASON 3 UPDATE

I know you were all dying to know...

After taking a hiatus from watching during the holidays, I have gotten back into watching the Disney Channel telenovela on Disney Plus. I am now on episode 68. Things are really starting to happen and I am finding myself getting sucked in again, which makes me happy. Episode 60 (pictured above) had A LOT happen and really was a turning point for the second half of the show. Can’t wait to keep watching. Some really awesome songs from these last set of episodes.

AND NOW FOR MY NOT LOVING IT PICK:

LEGACIES

This third season has really disappointed me so far. As I’ve previously discussed on this page, it feels like they are just reusing previous plots from the last two seasons when there is so much more they can do. There was so much promise for this show and I loved the Vampire Diaries and Originals so much, that it’s sad to see Legacies miss the mark. I wish they gave Hope more storylines that didn’t revolve around Landon. She is such a strong character and is SO POWERFUL. This is something we rarely see and it shouldn’t only be shown to save a guy (multiple times). Their couple plot is continually doing the same thing. I want to see a lot more development with this show over this season to keep me watching. I am actually happy that there isn’t a new episode until March 11th. (That’s saying something...)

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bowlerhatwearer · 5 years

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Lost Guilt

One Shot by Bowlerhatwearer

Ghost Pupper/S,Snow by @stedilnik

Ervin Niedmüller by @bowlerhatwearer

Warning: Story involves: drug abuse, blood, semi strong language, death

Before this story starts I have, to avoid confusion say two things:

- Ervin speaks with a German Accent

- The paragraphs jump between first and third person narrative. With the exception of the last who is also written in third person.

Read to your own risk.

~~~~~~

“Shit” It’s the first thought that shoots in my brain, what a “great” way to start my morning. The sunlight blinds one of my eyes, something I tried under all circumstances to avoid but failed already in the moment when I didn’t close my with smoke and other substances ridden curtains. Not fully awake yet I get up, looking at myself it’s easy for me to notice and remember that I didn’t got out of my clothes that I wore since yesterday, no, since yesterdays yesterday. The mustard stain on my grey shirt reminds me of the date, I think.

Dry, like a plant that desires water since several months but is denied the liquid, that’s how I feel right now, or do I feel like this everyday? Since I went deeper down the never ending spiral my brain can’t make good connections any more, it is in a 24/7 hour mood. Like searching a needle in a haystack. During my walk to the bathroom I inhale the flavour of cold smoke, mostly from tobacco but also weed. Evidence from this claim are the cigarette packets next to some beer, medication bottles and some ends of self rolled joints. My next thought is as scrambled as myself, but I can only smile about it.

Cold, I forgot to turn on the boiler again didn’t I? A rhetorical question at this point, whatever, I can shower later, with my senses a bit more clearer I know now that I need to get out of the student apartment, but where to go? The park? The train station of this forsaken city? The woo- nearly automatically I clench my hands on the sink, breathing heavy, do I really want to go to this place? Really, especially today? It takes me a while, minutes probably, like my mind, my feeling for time is lost. I’m lost. The cold water helps my senses, my face confronts in the shining glass, I can only grin about the guy who meets me in the mirror.

A Cat, medium size with grey-black stripes, the fur is felted and dirty. Some pieces of it is in some places lighter or non-existent. Mostly because of scars or injection sites. Sometimes the healed injuries and cuts happened due of meaningless fights. The ember eyes are dull, or rather became dull with time, ridden with tear sacks and folds that a feline my age should not have. A soft smile reveals on the first sight nothing, but inspecting it closer one of my eye-teeth broke off a bit, it’s what you get when you mess with the wrong dealer.

“Miss Beauty Queen first price” the words, coming from my mouth sound more like croaking rather than speaking, from all the smoking I must’ve been getting hoarse.

Before I decide to leave my messed up bathroom I take some medicine bottles with me, mostly painkillers and sleeping pills, never hurts to have those.

My next station would be the kitchen, but I don’t feel hungry, since days, weeks or months I don’t feel it. Despite eating only one burger a day it feels as if I’m not loosing weight, maybe it’s due of the liqueur, I don’t know. With a single click on a button I look at the landline phone, despite not old at all it’s already ridden with three and a half cracks on the earpiece something that just happens if hit it with all force on the table.

Looking at the answering machine I notice that I have four absent calls.

All of them from my parents.

They still think I’m in law school, actually university, they put a lot of money into it and me.

Put a lot of money in a failure, a junky, a criminal.

A Murderer

I’m one, no I’m not, or am I? I’m not sure how you call someone like me?

Pulling out the last crumbs from my eyes I head to the door of my flat. It’s dramatic, a tragedy and I’m the protagonist of it. My parents believe I’m still the son they raised, still going to law school to become a “highly respected truthfully member of society, a lawyer” I became a victim of myself and drug abuse. That’s what I’m now. A well aware mistake, a failure, a slacker who still gets send money from his parents, despite thrown out of the university months ago, they just don’t know.

All of this, could’ve been prevented on that day, that one year anniversary. My one way ticket to oblivion and destruction.

Forgetting my self pity for a while I go down the stairs, I don’t greet anyone, say no word, just stomping down and further down the stairs, destiny, bus station. Which is not too far ahead from the building. Everyone I see on my way, I don’t recognise them really, they all became blurry one day, unimportant, they are like shadows to me.

I’m just in time for the bus, like me it has seen better days, the city is nice, but like many it lacks the money to buy new public vehicles, they still run the ones from the 60s, when there was this financial uprising, that later ended in quite highly debts and unemployment. The rust attacks the green lack, the leather seats ripped open by accident and or on purpose.

It doesn't bother me being a fare dodger here and there, if they throw me out I just walk the rest of the way.

The seats are nice, not because of their appearance, despite their age they can be comfy and warm, it makes me notice that despite sleeping 10 hours, I’m still tired, so tired, since the final stop is my destination, It doesn't matte, there is always time to sleep time away.

<...>

Knocking, buzzing, knocking and buzzing. It takes the cat a while to notice that it’s his hard-line phone and the door, not the pleasant dream he had that creates this order of sounds. Responding at first with a grunt and the thought to throw the old thing on the wall he rethinks it and tiredly answers, whoever desperately tries to call him. Looking down at the line-phone it’s easily for the feline to answer who is the desperate, or rather annoying caller since no one other he knew would call around this time.

“Snow, zats you?”

“Rise and shine morning cat, it’s already twelve you know.”

“Sorry, I-, I think I napped in vhen studying the...law about trespassing I zink?”

“Learning again tomcat? I thought your test was already last week?”

“Listen S, if you’re in law school every veek is a test, at least for me.”

“Dawww, poor kitty, you sure you don’t want to change the subject?”

“Nah, you know my goal, I vant to help those poor cases, it’s not their fault if they go down zis spiral, it’s most of the time a hard househo-, vhy are you calling me?”

“Oh you know, I’m done with my shift, Alponso is still working, I’m bored-”

“-you vant to hang out?”

“...”

“Danged S, vhere are you even right now?”

“Well, what would you do if my answer is at your door, trying to wake you up with calling and knocking.”

“GOD DAMIT!” the law student didn’t even bother if his neighbours heard him.

It was always the same with S, or Snow, that’s what he called the white furred short-hair dog with long black hair and as black eyes, she would just appear in front of his door or call him, bothering until he would say yes, and the worst of all, he always said yes, one the other side S gave him a change in the grey-black striped cats right now monotone live.

Opening the door as fast as if he was hunted by a pack of racing cars Ervin was greeted by a smaller as him, white dog girl who grinned unsure while greeting him with a short wave before she placed her new so called “mobile phone” in an as white as her fur was backpack.

He wasn’t sure if he should just throw the door right into her face or scream but decided to gave her too a hand sign meaning she should just step in, Ervin didn’t really bother that S, saw him in his olive green flannel pyjamas right now.

“You look se-”

“Nicht ein Wort S, Nicht ein Wort.” despite the words spoken out in German the dog understood clearly that her opponent in the door frame was not amused.

“Aww come on now, and don’t call me S, I’ve a name you know tomboy.”

“Well lets see, you come here vhenever you like, you raid my fridge and call me sometimes during my lessons, so...nein.”

“Killjoy, speaking of-”

“There’s a hamburger in my fridge, you can varm it up in the microwafe while I take a shower and change clothes.”

“And here I thought you would go out in that flannel stile, I heard it’s the newest trend.”

“Haha, you’re killing me S, more than I vish for.”

Showing her dog tongue plus blowing raspberry's the dog girl began to salvage for the said nutrient, that was according to the law student in his fridge.

“Oh and just to be sure-” half trough the door of the bathroom Ervin grabbed as fast as he could his wallet that still laid on the kitchen table

“So vee von’t have zhe accident like last time.”

“I told you it wasn’t me who drew the moustache and monocle on the license photo.”

Grumbling the door got closed and locked.

“How comes that your fancy pants of a roommate doesn't hafe time for you, on a Thursday afternoon?”

“Overtime, he seriously needs the money for the new fridge, the old ones busted and we still try to get out the smell of spoiled milk and rotten eggs.” the dogs voice got mixed with chewing and eating noises, and Evin was surprised that she didn’t choke on it by accident.

“Vell zat’s vat you get from a two day vacation, an unlucky surprise.”

Ervin began to shift his concentration on the sound of the first cold then warm water that soaked his fur, for a short time there was a relief, but that soon got overtaken by random thoughts of stuff he had to learn from law school, property law or what happens if a person goes missing and so one.

The grey striped cat was about to scream, school, aka university got so bad sometimes that he bought himself a package of sleeping pills and took already from time to time one.

On the one side S, her roommate and their friends bothered him, on the other hand the diversion probably saved his mind from succumbing to madness so he was kind of thankful for S, who was the first he met. Whilst she was on her shift, apparently S had the unlucky destiny to work late and Ervin had the unlucky destiny that most of his courses where late, meaning the time he bought himself some nutritions, may it be sometimes a whole menu or a simple lemonade where always when S was on the cash register. Apparently even an honour roll student like S had to pay bills, something Ervin was not aware of when he met the girl first.

Turning off the water tab he stepped out the shower and immediately began to dry himself with a towel and then his old but trustworthy fur dryer.

Out of the bathroom with a towel slightly above the waistline he noticed how S was about to eat the last remainder that there even was a burger, the lettuce leave.

“You know if you vould have moved to me instead of this ramshackle hut vee probably vould already have had a new fridge, premium efen.”

“Of kitty cat of course, and every time I can listen about how awful that last course was and the judge and the persecutor you read about didn’t knew anything about their job eh?”

“That really hurt you know” the voice playfully a bit down and spoken on purpose with his broken English.

Even if Ervin saw Snow sometimes annoying that would go on his nerves, and S saw the cat as a stuffed shirt that never knew when not to have the last word. They both had still one thing in common and that was not only being a Scorpio from their star sign, no, it was teasing and taunting the other until the very end. But booth did that with knowing the others metes and bounds and when to stop.

“You know, Adolpho IS really nice, I don’t know why you two have such a fuzz over each other.”

Walking into his bedroom he decided to wear something comfy, casual jeans, and a hoodie would do today, better than a shirt the cat thought. Of course Ervin wore also his trusty blue white striped trainers

“Hmm I don’t know maybe it’s oh I mean, him alvays saying how much vork he has to do I mean visouth question he has vork to do, but like, he’s not the only one. And zen his constantly bragging about the stuff he IS doing.”

“That reminds me of someone I and you know.”

“Oh please I’m completely different.”

“Uhhuh.” The cat didn’t have to look at the white dog, he knew her eyes where rolling, probably staring also in his souls at the same time given the cold he felt suddenly in his spine.

“Case closet, where do you vant to go anyvay?”

<...>

It was the announcement of the bus driver that woke me up, end of the line, looking out of the window It gave me a shudder, this whole place whenever I was only near from it, it gave me the chills, but I’ve already decided to be here so. I step out as soon as I can, taking the backdoors of the bus naturally, I’m not really excited to explain myself if the driver asks for a ticket I don’t have.

Those woods, the starting point of a never ending spiral of tiredness, depression and being someone who knows nothing at all, it’s like a noisy TV only showing static in my head once I begin to stroll into the woods, the leaves are green, autumn still a bit away.

Whenever I’m here, out in the forest, I don’t wander off random, no, I only search for this one place, that one building that always haunts me, it was a factory. Did it produce cement, textiles or motor parts, don’t know, don’t care, at least not anymore. The closer I come the more tired I feel, I’ve slept quite much in my, apartment that became more a personal purgatory to me than a safe heaven and in the bus I must've slept around 45 minutes, given that it’s the time from my apartment to this end station.

It-

Hm-

And there she is.

Her presence, even if I’m not looking at her direction, I can feel, she is here.

I think it’s a she, or is she an it and it a she? I don’t know, all I see is white, and black and the eyes, of course the eyes that do not exist.

Whatever it is which I don’t know, it follows me, from all the maths I did, I think “she” is an hallucination, happening of all the stuff I took.

Ohoho and I took plenty, looking at my arms prove that, they are full, full of sometimes big, sometimes small injection sites, some deeper and some not so deep cuts, bruises, scratches, fur that's burnt or about to fall out and of course patches, Iconic, that for such a miserable being that I am, it’s those bandages for children that I have all over my arms and especially the fingers, the only colourful thing on this murderer that I am.

And she, she watches me, sometimes close, sometimes far, in the mirror, in the glass, behind a three in my TV. Do I still own that? Didn’t I gave that former birthday present to a pawn shop for some quick bucks for some quicker wasted heroin?

Gray, once again, static in my head. I don’t know what she’s trying to tell me with her constant watching, heck, I don’t even know what my own brain wants to tell me most of the time. Once it wants this than that but most of the time it wants pills, drugs and liquor oh and tobacco.

Most of the time I ignore this white being that follows me with its hull dark and empty sockets with a small hint of red in it, at least that’s what I see there from time to time in the hollow orbs.

My throat begins to scratch and I let out a heavy cough, lately with the increase of my daily consume of certain substances it has gotten worse, but it’s a curse I have to life with, of course I could go and seek help, but why should I? I was the one who already destroyed one innocent life on this world, so why not another? Why not myself so I can make sure ‘it’ won’t happen again, the murderer that murders himself, quite poetic isn’t it?

The more I come closer to the building, the more it aches me. On one side my body rejects what I give it, on the other it seeks, it demands the chemicals, the pills, tobacco and alcohol I put into myself, sometimes even so much, that I do not care for others, It’s not uncommon that I have to search for a new dealer after an “episode” of mine.

As good as I can, this old cat ignores this white, being, this ghost or illusion or hallucination or perhaps better this sickness of lost guilt that is haunting me for whatever reason, the pictures and memories are unclear about everything. I only know I did something, my mind rejects the clear pictures, only sometimes I see it but can’t make the dots, then I forget it was even there.

When I see her, well, sometimes I greet her, or I try to talk, but she’s mute, I can’t her a thing if she tries to communicate with me or something, and then her stare.

Yes those haunting black hollow sockets of infinite darkness that watch me with judgement of the sins I’m guilty as charged for, but I’m innocent, they made me innocent but I’m guilty, I’m for something guilty I don’t know I’m guilty for a crime I have forgotten, the murderer with drug forced amnesia, what a joke I am.

I reach the building, finally, it felt like aeons to be able to step into it, there is one thing about this old pile that we have in common, we are ruined and about to fall apart, we just don’t know the exact time nor date when it comes against us. When nature reclaims what we took from her.

Since when this building has been crafted, used and then abandoned, I cannot say, but its designed purpose it has long exceeded. I’m not the only lost one who apparently wanders here around from time to time, even if it��s not my most favourite spot.

Syringes, old tablet splitters, bottles and cans of alcoholic beverages are only a few of the messes that have been left around, someone even had the determination to bring a mattress here into the second floor of this factory building.

Which is not the reason why I’m going up there, no by far not, more because whilst I actually am not a friend of this place I’ve hidden quite a stash here. Some drugs to swallow together with the sleeping pills and painkillers should do a good trip.

Letting out a hoarse chuckle I continue my walking, there are graffiti over graffiti everywhere in this building, black, blue, red, neon green it’s a play of colours drawn on a falling depressed canvas, a wall that once it breaks down takes the art with it. I don’t care for their meaning, I can’t even take care of myself, I don’t know anything about me anymore, sometimes I’m asking myself if the knowledge I have about myself are real or something I’ve dreamt, I do know who I was, but do I really? Since that day, that marks the anniversary today where everything was gone and broke down...who can I trust if not even myself?

When the medicine, my medicine by my orders not by a doctor are helping me, it lets me see the world like how I want to take it, not cold, grey, careless and depressed but artificial warm, a place of colours I haven’t seen for quite a time now, it lets me see the truth. The only colour I really care for is from those bandages for children, I don’t know why, but they are like one of the only things that are being in order in this broken, corrupted mind that’s engulfed in numbness.

After the last step on the crumbling concrete stairs being made I take my time to breath and look around on the second floor, there is a small balcony there, I can only guess it got probably used more for smoke breaks than to look at the view, looking down you would see a still semi intact inner yard with a concrete floor that got a bit torn open by mother nature. The metallic handrails are trough and trough overtaken and or eaten away by the rust.

I’m tempted to go out there, looking at the sky and just, let my thoughts going around but, heh, I really need to find that stash of mine and secondly she’s out there too...at least that’s what I think, I do wonder, who she was that she is tormenting me like that.

Hiding stuff was never really something I was good at but, no one would really suspect a stash of my special tablet shaped drugs hidden under an old typewriter, to my luck they stayed dry and there is no mouldiness on them either. I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t I became what I wanted to defend, but I need it, to get myself together, if only for a moment, to see the unseen that I want to see but at the same time not, my mind is scrambled like an egg and as fried as a potato. Normally you take those alone, but I don’t mind mixing them up with a bunch of painkillers and sleeping pills. It’s going to be a pretty strong cocktail I’m taking here, leaving me an extra sour and bitter taste in the mouth since I had the “grandiose” idea not to take a bottle of water with me, or at least a juice box.

I think, I think this is even the strongest yet I took, needless to say I’m excited but at the same time ignorant of what will come. My hands are shacking and I begin to scratch myself again like I did so often before on this place, I’m worried about this but the best is now, to remain calm and to rest a bit before my prime time begins. I see her now outside of the room she is watching me, watching me all the time with those dark hollow eyes. The eyes, it’s the last I see before my body puts itself to rest, for now.

<...>

“And the vorst of all of zhis is that- what is this place anyway S?”

“Uhm, I think it was an ammunition factory that closed down after WWII, but it also could also have been a soap manufacture, don’t know, don’t really care either.” looking at him with her tongue stretched out Ervin let out a sigh in the white furred dogs direction.

“Wunderbar, so vhen I step on a landmine I can-”

“Ervin, what did you say before, you wanted to tell me more about Germany.”

“Did I? Na wo war ich-… yes, I vanted to say that vee can’t even visit my relatives in the GDR any more because of my mothers paranoia.”

“Why, is she scared of the east? Scared that they will fire a nuke at her home?”

“Well given zat her uncle got shot near the vall and due of my fathers position she’s afraid that zee Stasi would let us in, pack us up and vee vould never see the daylight again.”

“Oh...and what does your father say about that?”

“Eh, he’s too busy to argue vith her, as a prosecutor he’s most of the time in his ehm...place where he works, you know vhere they are also holding trials, it’s called “Gericht” in German, damn I chould know this!”

“You mean a court?”

“That’s the vord! Most of zee time he has cases vith people that don’t pay their traffic tickets, how boring!”

But to all honestly, the striped cat felt the same right now, he wasn’t bored about being in the woods and near the old factory, no that was quite, interesting, but all the studying and learning was boring, perhaps he should’ve studied something different. But then there was that other thought about how he wanted to help the people with drug addictions when they faced judgement and trials. Since that day he saw those teenagers, sometimes a bit younger that himself there at the railway station in “Berlin Zoologischer Garten” But of course that meant he had to learn, what he did and tried as good as he can, he learned and learned and learned and-

“Say from where are you anyway, I mean yes West-Germany but where exactly from?”

“Huh, wa- uh from Saarland, the youngest state in West-Germany, then we, moved to Berlin. Honestly I’m glad vee didn’t got to be part of zee French-”

Reaching the old factory, Ervin made an abrupt stop of what he wanted to say, despite being in the woods and despite it already corroding and slowly taken over by wildlife and plants it was still a very impressive building.

“Many junkies or homeless are there but only at night, I never encountered anyone here, only saw the syringes and some stuff there together with a mattress on the second floor.”

Stepping inside the shadowy building with graffiti on the walls there was only one question for the law student.

“How come zat an honour student chooses this as her sanctuary instead of a library?”

Touching one of the said walls that was marked with the all to well known sentence “F*ck the police” and an Anarchy symbol together with a sign of peace the white dog turned around and the black but very much full of live looking eyes met the striped cat ember ones.

“Because it’s full of art!”

Spinning around with her arms spread the cat examined the room they stood in before letting out a sigh.

“And drugs and dirt and rats probably...”

Like as if he was given her a wrong answer to a question to a teacher that was never asked in the first place, her eyes went from happy and hopeful, how she looked most of the time and how Ervin knew her, to a not angry or disappointed but rather annoyed with a hint of sadness.

“Did I-”

“Why are you so mopey?!”

She did not scream at him at all, but the slight raise in her tone made Ervins mostly tired eyes went wide and he stared at her for a few seconds, processing the question she just asked him loud and clearly. Of course he knew the answer and he wanted to tell her, but he was tired, so god forsaken tired. As if he was having a headache, which slowly came to be he touched his forehead before exhaling a bit of air.

“You said on the second floor vas a mattress, lets go, I’ll tell you zere.”

S showed him the way by taking the stairs first, and whilst she did it with ease for him it felt like a trial as if every step was two metres high. Talking about here and there was easy, but talking about himself and his troubles beside the stress he gets trough learning, nearly impossible but here he was.

The mattress wasn’t, like he expected in best shape and full of unknown stains, but since it didn’t smell like piss or other extreme fluids he didn’t mind sitting on it.

“Why are you always so, so tired and grumpy and stuff Ervin? Is it me?”

“No, no,...So, you vant to know why I’m so mopey since like for veeks.”

She nodded

“And I don’t think any kind of deal makes you forget that question?”

She shook her head.

“Ok, ok that’s bad but fine, you know, zat super hard exam I had, that vas really important for zis semester?”

“Yes I remember, you locked yourself into your flat for nearly two weeks if not more and everyone thought you died so we called the landlord.”

“Heh-” the striped cat got more silent “-...I-I bombed it.”

“Oh”

“I mean the professor is giving me anozer chance, others failed too, but zat is the day after tomorrow, a-and I know I learned for it hard like the last time and I know I should know the answers, but If I don’t, o-or if he asks different questions. I-I don’t want to redo this semester, I’ve already planned everything for summer because of that part-time job zat I do f-for six veeks.”

Burying his face into his own hands the cat let out a painful sigh, he was done, done with everything and of course he had to open up about it.

“And I know you vant me to be on that party on the very same day, I know socializing vould be good for me and that you mean it well but, I can’t, I vant to but I can’t, even once I have done that retry, I’m a broken mess and probably...zum Aufstreichen and what if I have to re-do the semester and my parents have to pay more than intended? I don’t know vhat to do S, I’m sorry for being such a mess...of a friend.”

For a moment, it wasn’t probably long but for him it felt like eternity before he felt a slight pressure on the left shoulder.

“As if it’s the only party in this month, so what once you pass it you’ll be on the next.”

“I promised it to you, I promised to be there before you and start socializing.”

“So what, since when is it forbidden to postpone a promise? What counts is that you’re holding it the next time. Do that exam and write an A plus, plus and double plus.”

Once the cat swiped away with one of his sleeves what he refused to call tears he looked at Snow who looked at him with her friendly smile that even could burn a hole in the hearth of the coldest person living on earth.

“I promise, I’ll be zere, tell me date and time and I’ll be zere for you on that party, talking and laughing with at least ten people and one of those red cups in my hand.”

“There you are, I mean you don’t have to overdue it but don’t forget that a promise is a promise.” she playfully wagged with her index finger in union with her tail.

“I’ll be there waiting for you, a promise is a promise.” and spoke it out to his own surprise, without a hint of accent.

<...>

There was no other party, neither with her nor him and that day, it was the last time he saw her.

The fingers shook, the cat was trembling like as if on such a warm day in June it had minus fifteen Celsius. On the one side it was the strong mix of drugs and medicine that brought him into this state, on the other, it was his mind, he saw it all, once again what he tried so often to repress with drugs. He saw what he wanted to forget, he saw it all again and again. For a moment he still laid there in his fetal position sweating from all pores, his eyes fast going from left to right , right to left and bloodshot.

When he woke up, that next day, that one after the party, one year ago it must have been, she was gone, he called and called but she, no S, Snow, she did not answer and then, yes then It must have been only a day or earlier, there she was, found, stabbed as if she was Julius Caesar, and her eyes removed like some sort of ritual murder. The culprit never found and brought to justice of course. And whoever the being was that did it to her, it had to be a being made out of pure sadistic intention, so bad her body looked, found in hers and Alphs home.

Weakly he gets up but not without holding on the wall where all of the paint was already faded away. He needed air, just a bit of fresh air, that was all that Ervin thought he needed right now.

Ervin himself was aware that due of his sometimes strange acting people might have assumed that he was the culprit of this perverse crime, so he wasn’t surprised when her former roommate had his suspicion against him. Alph, oh he didn’t took it easy either, he nor Ervin. But with time and countless interrogations it became clear that the striped cat was innocent and so was Alph.

It was a tragedy of invaluable measures and whilst everyone who knew her where mourning over their lost friend, there was also the relieve, that not Ervin or Alph was responsible that S was never seen alive again and what they all had to accept once the time passed, that she was gone, the beautiful smile the honour roll student had, forever erased from existence.

Everyone began, even slowly and painfully to move on, everyone except the cat, he wasn’t there, he should've gone with her, protected her to make sure this wouldn’t have happen, but he didn’t, he did his exam bravo then slept deep and tight trough the abduction of the person who the feline called good friend. He learned and learned and learned for a position that never was his to begin with and as a reward it took someone very close from him. And for that he screamed, cried and let his emotion take over the rational, until it was over and he a broken mess beyond repair.

Alph and the others talked with each other, got their help as a group they needed but Ervin, he began to become what he never wanted to be, once again he was a shut-in but with cigarettes, then alcohol followed by pills and weed and then the harder stuff, he isolated himself, he wasn’t guilty, in the eyes of the law or Snows friends there he was innocent, but in his own eyes, he might have had lost his guilt, but it was still there, eating him from the inside until nothing would’ve been left, but now here he was looking in shock and quite disgusted when he looked at the injection sides he did to himself and the barely and or poorly covered scratches that came with the stuff he took.

The messed up cat ran in his paranoia, his head and throat ached. Like a fountain of bad emotions his head was filled damping his other thoughts and senses making him feel as if he was about to suffocate.

Once again he saw this apparition of her, this illusion, dream, thought, drug inflicted piece of memory, ghost or demon, he wasn’t sure what it was but whatever it might have been that resembled like a death black holes instead of eyes having Snow he just ran past her to the old run-down concrete balcony with the rusty handrail that got enlightened by a slowly orange for this day vanishing sun announcing the night that was soon to come.

Anyone would’ve now expected tiredness or a silent standing man but the only witnesses, the birds around the facility, the bugs floating around in the mild summer warmth or the other animals that decided to step near the building got engulfed in a scream, mixed with sadness, pain, shock, anger, confusion, disillusion and regained memories followed by a violent, strong and careless shaking of the rusty iron where a guilt ridden Ervin cut his hands slightly due of the poorly aged metal that engulfed his as poor exposed skin.

It did barely anything to fight back against the former law student defenceless it took his shaking and later kicking before it came to a sudden end. His whole body felt unstable, he sweated, the drugs that got stretched by their creators with bleach and washing agent to use less of the actual stuff did their job together with a mind as fragile as crystal glass, the mind wanted to cry, but the rest of the body was too reluctant or too tired to fulfil this needed request. Still standing the cat turned its bag from the innocently bashed handrail and leaned on it, taking medium deep breaths of air in and out, in and out again and again.

When this thing, this creation of insanity and desperation that tried to resemble Snow, the dog he had known and seen alive one year ago approached him it happened slowly, and he, Ervin, he just watched. The long black hair, the white fur, once she looked normal. Then from one second to another a mangled, tortured, messed up, injured, probably raped and half skinned creature with sockets that lost their organs of visions who now where dark black infinite deep orbs with white dots approached him, naked of course with de furred breasts, exactly how the body was found in her own home, only a few knew it, only a few was told what was done to her in only a few hours of full torture.

But Ervin did by all logic not move and inch, he stayed there pressing his back with all his anger and sadness against the rusty metal and waited, if this apparition wanted his demise, he would not run away, or ignore it once again like he did so often, what good would if do to not face his own fears or the reality that was cruel but truthful he knew the facts and she did too, if he would’ve been there on this faithful day which was able to ruin his past, present and future, everything would be normal, and by all chances better. But it was not, and here he was, waiting for judgement, and it never came.

The being that resembled the canine he once knew just stood there in silence, and every time he blinked it felt as if her appearance would change, but always with a monotone expression that told him nothing of this being. To say that his eyelids and libs together with the fingers trembled and shook as if it was the coldest winter since 37 years was an understatement, but here he was the words he tried to form turning out to be pure gibberish. It took him a minute and around forty-five seconds until he was able to form the sentence he searched for.

“I-Im sorry S, I’m sorry, for m-” and in that second, before finishing the slowly, raspy and weakly spoken out sentence something gave up.

It was not the appearance that encountered him here on the old balcony

It was not his own brain cells who for god knows how long where finally able to make a clear sentence.

No, it was the atoms, the molecules of the metal that was exposed to water and air that with over forty years without any maintenance broke apart, and thus the handrail fell down together with the leaning cat.

In the short time frame between falling from the balcony that was set on the quite high second floor of the building and reaching the concrete floor that awaited patiently his blackhead to hit and crush on it. Time was nearly to not present, everything was slower than any slow motion effect in any film he had ever seen.

And just in this unfortunate moment and event in his live where he watched in pure shock above, where it, the dog ghost that resembled S looked down from the balcony to him falling, the cocktails of different pills and drugs kicked in.

The first thing he noticed that changed his view of reality in this bittersweet time was that the sky took another turn, it looked a bit like cotton, mixed with some new modern lemonade that looked as if a leprechaun barfed into it, the stars that during this time shouldn’t by all accounts not viewable flashed like small disco lights and turned around left and right making the whole sky appear like one gigantic kaleidoscope that once in a while got moved. It was fascinating but not the only part of his self inflicted trip that dulled and hulled the unpreventable truth of his demise.

When without any intention too look away from the sky his head moved a bit he was able to have a closer glimpse to the concrete ground that suddenly filled his ears with the sound of stones breaking apart. As if time was moving thousands of times faster, which only counted for the ground the concrete got big cracks and grass sprouted out of the ground that began to touch and hugged him like a soft cloud or down blanket, next to the grass flowers appeared and more and more of the building began to disappear and be replaced with flora. Like as if the accomplishments of his kind meant nothing to anyone and were taken over, no, rather reclaimed by mother nature itself.

There was no sound when he fell into the grass no cracking bones or nerves that got cut or crushed, no organs pressed against his bones and no breath that left his body. Looking around he noticed how around his head formed a lake of a fluid that was as shiny and colourful as a rainbow and with a slight touch on his nose, he noticed how the same fluid ran out of his nose, ears and a bit out of his mouth too. He was, despite being caught in a trip, very well aware what actually was happening and what this liquid actually was, but he wouldn’t and most especially couldn’t care less what happened. He felt numb, none of his limps wanted to work any more, they where tired, so tired and only wanted to rest, a long deserved rest that they requested after one hard year of torture and pain created by their own nerves, mind and decisions.

He wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt like some kind of “numb darkness” that whilst for now was only a weak presence felt as if it was going to grow stronger with time, but it was not the only presence near him.

S, the real one, at least if felt like the real honour student looked down to his face one he hasn’t seen what felt like centuries, it was not the emotionless face that sometimes he even interpreted as angry, it looked as if it had non ill meaning to him quite sad actually, perhaps feeling a bit of pity of his continuing demise. Stuttering a bit, but not like the last time he was able to form a whole sentence within seconds.

“H-hey do not cry Snow, it’s b-better like this, imagine me to die in a ditch in zee cold and dark heh.” as much as he did not want to but the smile he put up for some seconds was lost.

“There is only one regret I have S, zat I lost my guilt, no one blames me, I’m innocent by law but I’m guilty, I did zis, If I chould’ve been there, it’s zere zis lost guilt that consumed and fed on my, it chouldn’t be there, but here it still was and it still is. I-I understand if you can’t forgive me Snow, I vouldn’t either. I-”

His vocal chords suddenly stopped, but it was neither due of his blood loss nor the damaged brain or nerves, perhaps it was the drugs, perhaps the cracked mind he did not know nor could he care, but maybe it was really her who spoke to him, he did not know. Her voice, it felt like hers, but more soft and serious how it told him that there was no guilt to begin with, how she can not forgive him since there is nothing to be forgiven, that it is not his fault that it came to this, that it was not him who murdered her that it was her who felt sorry for him and that it was him, who should not be in such a position.

Ervin was speechless, and not only due of the increasing numb darkness that engulfed him more and more, it was rather more of the dam in his mind that finally breached and allowed him to cry, like the colourful liquid his tears ran down like a new formed river in a terrain.

“T-tha-ank you.”

The numb darkness had nearly covered his whole vision by now, but Ervin was still able to see the white furred dogs face and how he slowly spoke those two words with his cold feeling lips

“S, Snow-”

Looking up to him, face to face to his friend, he wasn’t sure if this happened really or a trick in his decaying mind but it felt very real in those merely seconds he had.

“-wherever I land, wherever the road takes me, wherever I go, I’ll be there waiting for you , a promise is a p-promise...S.”

Those last words, as if they had a function of some higher realm coated him completely into this numb darkness, both his mind and body, but for once, since many months, since many days and nights and since the many hours, minutes and seconds of this one year he had been trough, he was able to feel a naturally warmth.

<...>

On this evening in June 1987 many things happened

On this evening in June 1987 fireflies flew around in the grass and woods to be caught by young and old.

On this evening in June 1987 sundrops and primroses began to open to show their beautiful pedals

On this evening in June 1987 crickets tuned their music together with croaking frogs in union

On this evening in June 1987, Ervin Niedmüller died with his guilt being lost.

~~~~~~

Tagging again: @stedilnik

With friendly greetings

The Bowlerhatwearer

#Story #Story written by me #Fanfiction #fanfic #TW:Death #TW:Drug Abuse #TW:Blood #stedilnik #Bowlerhatwearer #Ghost Pupper #One Shot #OS #Writing #Dark Theme

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holdyourbreathuntilyouseelight · 7 years

Text

Stubborn Denial

Fic Request: Stiles and his dad goes on a trip for a week and Lydia refuses to admit how much she misses him.

Rating: T

Genre: Fluff, Romance, Established Relationship

Author: dylanobrienstyler (previously holdyourbreathuntilyouseelight)

Requested by: anonymous

It had only been a couple months since Stiles' return from the Ghost Riders' clutches, but the familiar ache had managed to seep itself back into Lydia's chest.

It was silly, she knew. This was nothing like what happened then. She knew exactly when he was coming back—the countdown on her phone leaving her no room to doubt—but the difference this time was that she fully remembered who she was missing.

There were only a couple months until they were officially separated by an eleven hour multiple-buses ride, seven hour drive or hour and a half flight, and Lydia really wanted to spend every possible minute with him before they had to deal with that for the majority of the school year. Dropping him off for his pre-registration at the beginning of the summer at George Washington University and driving away had been hard enough, even if she picked him up a few days later on her way back to Beacon Hills.

They were in Beacon Hills for the summer, packing up the rest of their lives to move across the country for their post-secondary education and spending the last bit of time with their family and friends before only seeing them on holidays and designated breaks.

Right now, Stiles was on a trip with his dad – a week long father-son bonding trip in the great outdoors before they were separated until Christmas. Because they were up in the mountains, cell reception was pretty much non-existent so Lydia was completely cut off from him until his return or at least until they came back to ground level.

Lydia had tried her best to keep busy, spending time with her friends when she could, extra girl time with her mom, and generally packing and preparing for moving, even if she had another couple weeks to go. She had made about three dozen checklists and completed them all, and still, she found herself checking her phone regularly for an update from Stiles, fighting the urge to send him a text or seven.

She was fine. She was. She was an independent woman, dammit. She had spent plenty of time alone, single, and enjoyed her own company.

But she couldn't help but yearn to talk to him, to be near him. Since their relationship officially was taken to the romantic level, she had grown to miss cuddling him on lazy days or quiet nights, getting lost in kissing him, and even just the simplicity of being able to hold his hand while they roamed the grocery store for food for their date night.

She really just wanted to hear his voice, see his smile, make him laugh. She missed the comfort she felt when he was nearby, the safety that rested in her veins. He always made her feel better; even if she was already in a good mood, he just rose it to another level. He had come to be one of the people she hung out with the most, too, over the years. Since Allison's passing, he had become the next closest thing to a best friend. It only improved when he became her boyfriend.

She was so lost in her thoughts, she startled at the sound of her phone beeping.

FINALLY almost home – I'll probably be in Beacon Hills in an hour. Gotta shower off the gross wilderness and then can I see you? I've missed your beautiful face. xx –S

Lydia felt her chest tighten in excitement, almost cutting off her air supply in her determination not to squeal at the idea of seeing him in a few short hours.

She took a deep breath and picked up her phone to text back, fingers hovering over the buttons.

"No. Down, girl. Play it cool." she murmured to herself, putting her phone down. She didn't want to look like she had been waiting, pining, for a message from him. She could make him wait a little for a reply.

Lydia headed to the bathroom with a grin to work on prettying herself up before she was reunited with her boyfriend.

Lydia did eventually text him back, after giving him a nice waiting period of exactly 30 minutes, since that was the duration of her will power, and it wasn't long before he was knocking on her front door.

She wiped the giddiness off her face as she opened the door, ready to act like a week wasn't really that long.

But Stiles immediately scooped her up in his arms so her feet left the ground, and she couldn't stop herself from giggling into his neck, squeezing him back just as tightly.

He finally put her down, pushing her hair off her face as his eyes roved over her.

"God, you got more beautiful while I was gone, didn't you?" he teased, pressing a kiss to her forehead before slinging his arm around her shoulder to follow her upstairs.

Lydia tightened her grip around his waist, blushing, and shrugged playfully. It was hard not to give in to her desire to babble about how much she had missed him, ask him everything she had been itching to get his opinion on in the last week, and then take him to her bedroom to properly have her way with him, as she had definitely missed that while he was gone.

"How was the trip?" she asked as they clambered onto her bed, sitting cross-legged across from each other.

Stiles played with her fingers while he spoke, keeping them between their laps. "Good. Me and my dad haven't done anything like that in years. It was nice to catch up and, I dunno, feel normal for a bit. We did run into a Wendigo though, so at least I didn't feel too homesick."

Lydia straightened up. "Excuse me? A wendigo?"

"Well, you know how the legends go… hikers or mountain climbers get stranded, have to resort to cannibalism to survive, something something waning moon, desperation, wintry nights, something something. Anyways, we handled it. My dad came prepared, and I always keep a bat in the jeep."

Lydia exhaled, trying not to let her face show the utter terror she felt at the idea of him in danger. It was a common occurrence in their lives, but she hadn't even factored in the idea of him being in danger while on a family camping trip out of state. She should know better after how many years she had been aware of the supernatural.

"So what about you? What have you been up to?" Stiles asked, tucking a fallen strand of hair behind her ear, letting his thumb caress her cheek.

The desire to kiss him was unreal, but she resisted.

She lifted one shoulder, smiling slightly. "Oh, you know, this and that. Nothing too exciting."

"Didn't miss me too much then?" he teased.

Lydia snorted, feigning indifference. "I managed."

But Stiles' smile grew into a mischievous grin, and she suddenly remembered how well he could read her even when she was pretending.

"Didn't even miss me a little? I didn't cross your mind once?"

She sucked in her lips, shaking her head. "Nope." she replied, popping the 'p'.

"Hmm…"

He suddenly grabbed her and pinned her down, his fingers tickling her sides. She couldn't help but cackle, trying to wriggle away as she giggled.

He straddled her to hold her hostage, making sure not to put too much of his weight on her.

"Stiles!"

"Somehow I don't be-lieve you…" he sing-songed at her, not letting up on his attack.

"I didn't miss you! Not one bit!" she shouted, but her huge grin was ruining the lie.

They were both panting pretty hard now, and Stiles slowed his hands, instead letting his fingers draw circles on her skin under her blouse.

Her eyes immediately zoned in on his mouth, calculating the distance between his and hers so she knew exactly how far she'd have to reach to unite them. She bit her lip, feeling the desire ripple across her skin.

Stiles' fingertips slowly migrated upwards, stroking along her ribcage, his heavy breathing matching the rise and fall of her chest.

He leaned down, letting his lips hover over the skin of her neck, the puffs of air sending shivers down her limbs. His cheek met hers, nuzzling his face into her hair to breathe the scent in.

Lydia was losing control, her body pressing closer to his, desperate for friction and his body heat. She let her palm clasp around the back of his neck, dragging his face back to hers. Her eyes were dancing with fire now, and his matched her desperation with ease.

She licked her lips and finally rolled her eyes.

"Oh, fuck it. I missed you every minute you were gone." she declared before hauling his mouth onto hers in a desperate kiss.

Stiles kissed her back just as eagerly, but he was hiding his satisfied grin at beating out his girlfriend at her own game.

Thankfully he knew what he was getting into when they got together, and he was sure this wouldn't be the last battle for dominance over something silly they'd have.

The thought left his mind, though, as Lydia proved exactly how much she had missed him during their week apart. He hated being away from her, too, but the reunion was certainly worth it.

#prompt #stydia #stydia prompt #stydia fanfiction #fanfiction #teen wolf #teen wolf fanfiction #stiles stilinski #lydia martin

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mca-attack21 · 7 years

Text

If I Stay part I

Warnings: Car accident, death, hospital. A/N: This is loosely based off of the book/movie by the same title. It is Isaac x Reader and is angsty (as is practically everything else I write). To find more of my writing check out my masterlist: Here. That is where you can also find part II and III.

Life in Beacon Hills was quiet for once, dare you say even normal? The supernatural chaos had died down, and you finally had a chance to focus on being a high school student. Your boyfriend was in Europe and thrilled that for once he didn’t have to constantly worry about your safety.

Speaking of Isaac, you were facetiming him as you were packing your bags. In less than 24 hours, you would be seeing him in person in Europe and you could not be more excited. What made things even better was the fact that your entire family was going. They would be doing the tourist destinations, and you would be spending every second with Isaac, it was going to be amazing!

By the time 6 am rolled around, everyone was packed in the car talking about all the things they were going to do once they got there. You plugged your headphones in and listened to music looking out the window. You were by far the happiest you had been in a while, and it was only going to get better. You looked down at your phone to see texts from Isaac about how excited he was to see you in less than 12 hours.

Isn’t amazing how life is one thing and then in an instant it becomes something else- this was supposed to be a fun family vacation - and just like that...everything was about to change.

You didn’t even see the truck. You didn’t hear the screeching of the breaks. You didn’t feel the collision. You merely closed your eyes and when you opened them you were outside laying on the ground.

The first thing you recognized was the high-pitch sirens. Then you started to sit up watching all of the people darting around frantically. You caught a glimpse of the EMTs zipping up a black bag. It was your mom. You suddenly felt sick, and searched for your dad or your brother. But you didn’t see either of them anywhere. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe that meant they were already in an ambulance on the way to a hospital.

You stood up and went to the nearest EMT, who completely ignored you. Walking towards the commotion, you went up to Sheriff Stilinski. You were so relieved that he was here, “Hey Mr. Stilinski-” but he seemed too pre-occupied to notice you. You then noticed that there were a group of paramedics hovering over someone. Your knees buckled as you saw who it was.

How was this happening? How could you be looking down at yourself? Was that why no one noticed you, because you weren’t really there? Through your distress you barely took in what was being said of your injuries. The main thing that you figured out was that you were in a coma and that you were about to be rushed to the hospital. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from your body. You weren’t dead because you were breathing. But still, you didn’t really look alive either.

How were you supposed to process this? You were there, seeing, hearing, experiencing everything. But everyone else was entirely oblivious to your presence. It was like you were a ghost. You had to keep reminding yourself that you weren’t actually dead so that was impossible.

You were taken to the hospital and straight into surgery. You decided to use this time to try to find your dad or your brother. And while you were trying to figure something out, you mind wandered to your mother. You couldn’t believe that she was actually gone. The image of her being zipped into that bag would be burned into your mind forever. It was devastating to think that you would never be able to ask her for advice again, or do karaoke, or go shopping together or--

Before you could continue down that depressing rabbit hole, you saw them come in with your brother on a stretcher. He was awake and obviously scared. You wished that you could be there for him and were relieved when you saw Melissa come out to be with him. You quickly found out that he only had a few bruised ribs and was going to be fine.

You were going to stay with him, but Stiles and Scott showed up. They asked the nurses at thee nurses station how you were or if there were any updates on your family. Even though she wasn’t supposed to give out that information to anyone, she knew Scott. They two of you came in to drop off food for Melissa several times together.

“Y/n came in unconscious with multiple injuries and went straight into surgery. Her brother is awake and only suffered a couple of bruised ribs. The two of them are going to need all of the support in the world considering they’ve both lost both their parents.”

The last six words felt like bricks. This wasn’t happening. This morning you woke up with a family. Now you were an orphan. You turned around and raced towards your brother’s room. You wondered if he knew. “Everything is going to be alright, we can get through this as long as we have each other” you told him even though you knew he couldn’t hear you. He was fast asleep which was a good thing.

After a while you decided to try to go to the operating room to see if you could figure out what was going on with you. On your way, you passed through the waiting room which was filled with your friends. The only one missing was Isaac.

Oh god- had anyone called him yet? For all he knew you and your family were on a 12 hour flight right now.

As if she read your thoughts, Lydia spoke up, “Has anyone called Isaac?”

After some discussion it was decided that Scott would call. You followed him out wanted nothing more than to hear Isaac’s voice. Little did you know you picked the worst possible time to leave.

“Hello?” Isaac answered. God you loved his voice.

“Hey Isaac, are you somewhere where we can talk privately?” Scott asked still trying to figured out what he was going to say.

“Yeah what’s up?”

“It’s about y/n-”

“I know I’m excited, she’ll be here in like...6 hours,”

“No Isaac, listen to me, she and her family never made it to the airport. They were on their way there when they got into a car accident.”

“How bad was it? Is everyone okay?”

Scott tried to hold in his emotion as he answered, “It’s bad. Really bad. Neither of her parents even made it to the hospital. Her brother is okay, just a few bruised ribs. But Y/n, she’s in a coma and had significant injuries. She’s been in surgery since she got to the hospital. My mom said that it doesn't look good.”

You didn’t know what was worse, the pain of Scott’s word making you relive the last six hours of your life or hearing Isaac’s response. Either way you knew that you had to stay strong. You tried to focus on the fact that you still had your brother, Isaac, and the pack. It was not going to be easy, but you would make it through.

“I have to go Scott,” Isaac choked out before ending the call.

You watched as the young alpha hung his head. He was trying to keep it together and be the leader that he thought everyone needed him to be. But this whole situation sucked and it hurt and he wanted to be able to fix it so badly.

After taking a minute, the two of you went back inside. Everyone looked even worse than they did before. That is when Melissa came up to Scott and pulled him aside. The look on her face told you before her words could. Your brother was dead. Apparently he had bleeding in his brain that they didn’t catch in time.

You should’ve stayed with him. You should’ve protected him. This whole thing was your fault. They wouldn’t even have been heading to the airport if it wasn’t for you. You just wanted all of this to be over. You didn’t want to be here anymore you didn’t want to feel it.

As those thoughts left your mind, the room began spinning. You sunk to your knees feeling like all of the energy had been sucked out of you. The next time you were aware of yourself, you appeared in an ICU room. Your ICU room, you glanced at the clock, it was after five pm.

You then focused on your body that was lying on the bed. There were a lot of tubes and wires hooked up to different machines that you were sure all served different purposes. The blood that you saw this morning had been cleaned and was replaced with bandages. All of your jewelry had been removed, and you watch was replaced with a medical identification band. You then looked around the room itself. The art on the wall was generic and the walls were painted an obnoxious white. There was a tv, but it wasn’t on.

You tried not to think about things. But how were you supposed to ignore the fact that your family was gone. Your dad would never walk you down the aisle, you would never be able to talk to your mom again, you brother would never have the chance to grow up. Why were you still here? How were you supposed to wake up without a family? How could you leave the pack? How could you leave Isaac?

Either way, you didn’t understand how it worked. Why were you in this in-between state, and how could you get out of it? If you thought about dying would you? If you pinched yourself would you wake up? You had this internal feeling that it was up to you, but how were you ever supposed to decide this?

It was a quarter til eight when they moved you into a different room. And it was shortly after that when Melissa started escorting your friends in one at a time. She explained to them that the doctors had done everything that they could, now it was just a matter of if or when you would wake up.

Scott was first. He sat there for a minute before reaching over and trying to take your pain. You could tell how much he was struggling to figure out what to say to you. This must’ve been the first time that it really felt real to him.

“You know, you are the one I go to when I don’t know what to say, so this is a little unfair,” he tried to joke.

“God Y/n, I want to tell you to stay strong and fight through this, but I’m not even keeping it together right now.”

“You’re doing your best” you said even though he couldn’t hear you.

“I’m at such a loss for words. You know that no matter what I will be here for you. My mom, the pack, Isaac, you still have so many people that are here for you. And I know you know that,” he sighed struggling to find the next words.

“It’s okay Scott.”

“After losing Allison last year, I can’t even begin to imagine losing you too,” he added as tears began to escape his eyes.

“I know that today was totally screwed up. And I would be an idiot to think that there is anything that I could ever do to fix it. I could sit here for hours telling you how much you mean to all of us and why we need you to wake up. But I can’t do that, because that would be selfish. So instead I’ll sit here and tell you that you need to do what is best for you. You are always making sacrifices for other people, you are one of the most selfless people I know. So this time I want you to know that we will be okay. Even if you decide that you need to be with your family.”

He remained it your room in silence just watching the slow rise and fall of your chest which was generated by a machine. He didn’t want this to be goodbye. He wished that he could sit in there with you until you woke up and then life went back to normal. Actually, he wished that he could wake up to find that this was all just a really bad dream. But neither of those things were going to happen, and he knew that he needed to leave so someone else could come in and see you.

Lydia was next. She was wiping away tears before she even made it through the door. She walked over to your bed and sat down. Just as quickly she stood up to reposition your nightgown and pull your hair out of your face.

“There, that’s better,” she decided as she found her seat again.

“Y/n, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Your parents, your brother, I can’t even begin to imagine. But I want to make sure that you realize that you still have a family. My mom, Scott’s mom, the sheriff, even Derek have all said that you can move in. You already know that the pack will be there for you every step of the way, even too much so sometimes. You are not alone. So I need you to wake up,” she said that last sentence as if it were the easiest thing in the world. She then continued to talk, but you weren’t paying attention as you were too busy thinking about what life would be like if you did wake up.

You were drawn out of your thoughts as Derek entered your room. He two went to your side and tried to take your pain, which apparently isn’t possible when someone is unconscious and unable to feel pain. He then started talking to you about how he lost his family and would be here for you through everything. He told you that if you wanted to you could move in with him for as long as you wanted.

Liam came in next and was a mess. He told you that he didn’t know how to survive this messed up town without you and that he needed you to wake up. He started talking about all the times that you had been there for him but was cut off as a nurse came in to run some tests.

You glanced up at the clock to notice that it was almost two am. You wondered why Stiles hadn’t come in yet. But just as you thought in, Stiles came in looking completely wrecked. You could tell that he had been crying. He paced around the room avoiding looking at you. Taking a deep breath before sitting down and taking your hand in his. You could tell that he too was at a loss for words, which was very abnormal. But then again, nothing was normal about any of this.

“I hate hospitals. Every time I come here, all I can think about is that day that my mom died. Or the multiple times that one of us has almost died here. But you have always been here for me through all of that. You were there when my dad started drinking. You’ve always stood up for me at school and helped me through panic attacks. You were there when I got sick, and never gave up on me when I got possessed by the nogitsune. Without you there would be no way that Lydia and I would be together right now. We’ve spent so many hours together studying or doing research. You were on my side when no one else was with the whole Theo thing. And you’ve saved me so many times. I can’t even begin to count the number of sacrifices you have made to make sure I was okay. I wish I had the magic words to make everything better, I wish there was something I could do to erase today. But all I can do is sit here and hold your hand. I promise that if you wake up I will be there for you until you are okay again. I can promise you that you won’t be alone,” he paused searching for any sign of recognition.

“Come on Y/n you have to come back to us, you have to wake up. If you die i’ll be devastated, I will literally go out of my freaking mind. I can’t do this without you, I don’t want to do this without you,” he was now crying.

You just sat next to him your head on his shoulder. He sat there in silence until he got a text saying that his dad was back. He stood up kissed your forehead before leaving.

You thought that he would have been the last of the visitors. But then you saw the curly haired boy that you were so in love with peek through the door.

“Y/n you have to stay. I will move back, I will do whatever you want but you have to wake up. You are my home, you’re the only thing that keeps me human. It doesn’t even matter to me where we are as long as we are together. I am absolutely in love with you and I will be there for you no matter what.”

He kissed your check and you just thought about how much you wanted to feel that kiss and how much you wanted to kiss him. Then something happened. You fell completely unable to move, you wondered if this was what it felt like to die.

Your whole life flashed in front of your eyes. You saw your mom and dad, you saw the day you met Stiles, you saw your brother coming home from the hospital, you saw your fifth birthday party, you saw your first kiss with Scott, you saw the day you picked out Stiles jeep. You saw your Brother’s first lacrosse game, you saw your and Isaac’s first date, you saw Allison’s death, you saw Isaac getting on the plane, you saw the crash in slow motion, you saw your parents and brother one last time, you saw your friends, and then you saw a bright light.

Everything was blindingly white. And then you blinked. You started to freak out as you couldn’t breath. You moved your hands and tried to pull the thing away from your mouth. Your heart rate was off the chart. You didn’t notice Isaac push the call nurse button or him begging you to calm down. You did however, feel it when his warm hands gently took yours and forced them down. You both had tears in your eyes. You were filled with fear and pain that only subsided so much by him being there. And he was filled with an overwhelming sense of relief. All of that transpired in under a minute.

Then Melissa came in with another nurse and they forced Isaac to leave and go back into the waiting room where Scott, Stiles, and the Sheriff were talking. They looked up to him a bit surprised as he wiped the tears away from his eyes.

“She’s awake...” he said a smile forming on his face. Before he could say another word Stiles had already started sprinting down to your room. “...but the nurses need to run tests so we won’t be able to see her for a while.,” he finished.

Scott got up and pulled him into a hug and the Sheriff went after his dork of a son to make sure he didn’t get in the way. Scott and Isaac started calling the others and letting them know the good news.

Meanwhile, the tube had officially been removed from your throat and Melissa brought you a glass of the best water you had ever tasted in your life.

“Stiles Stilinski if you go in that room you are grounded from Roscoe, Scott, and Y/n for a month,” you heard Stiles’ dad yell which brought a smile to your face.

“Okay, you just woke up, can you tell me your name and the date?” Melissa asked. You answered this and a bunch of other questions she asked to check your cognitive levels. She tested your reflexes and explained to you in detail what had happened and the extent of your injuries. She told you that you would be in the hospital for up to a week, and had a long recovery ahead of you (which thankfully Deaton would be able to speed up). As she explained what happened to your family you cried as if you were experiencing it again for the first time. After all of that, she told you that you needed to get some rest.

As she was getting ready to leave you asked, “Can I see them first?”

“Of course,” she smiled.

She went out to the waiting room where all eyes followed her expectantly.

“She appears to be fine, but we will have to run more tests in the morning. She knows what happened and is dealing with it as well as you could expect. She needs to rest, her body can not handle too much excitement. That being said, she has asked to see you,” she said before gesturing that they could go back.

Again, Stiles took off sprinting down the halls with Isaac and Scott not too far behind him.

“I’m *huff* so glad *huff* your okay,” he said trying to catch his breath sitting in one of the chairs next to you.

“I’m doing better than you at the moment,” you joked.

He couldn’t even be slightly offended because he was so relieved to see that you were awake. And it was taking everything in him not to pull you into a hug.

Scott and Isaac entered the room, and Isaac laughed, “I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen Stilinski run that fast.”

“How are you feeling Y/n?” Scott asked as he took a seat in the chair next to Stiles.

“Pretty great considering all of the drugs they have me on,” you smiled before yawning.

“That’s good, Stiles and I are going to go home-”

“What? No I’m not. I’m going to stay here.”

“No your not, because Y/n needs to rest,” Scott instructed his friend who seemed to catch on. He then continued redirecting his attention to you, “But the two of us will be back tomorrow morning with some stuff from your house. Lydia is going to get you a new phone, and everyone else will be dropping by throughout the day. If you need anything let us know,” he said standing and almost forcing Stiles out of the room.

Isaac, who hasn’t stopped smiling since he re-entered the room took Scott’s seat. You pouted for a moment before using all of your strength to push yourself over to the left side of the bed and gestured for Isaac to join you.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he tried to reason.

“Please.”

And that was all it took for him to cave. He was very gentle and asked you multiple times if you were okay before the two of you finally settled comfortably beside each other. You took in the warmth of his body and the faint scent of his cologne. While nothing of the past day was ever going to be okay, here, in his arms, it felt like there was a possibility of okay, and maybe that was enough.

“I love you Lahey,” you whispered.

“I love you too Y/n, try to get some rest,” he replied lightly kissing your forehead.

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jasonbrennerold · 3 years

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wyd if i told u to do 1-38 👀

the ‘be honest’ meme / @afterburied

ok below the cut bc this is a Long One

1. What would prevent you from following someone?

generally speaking just kinda if our writing doesn’t mesh? but also on different blogs i have different kind of vibes if you know what i mean? like here on jason i’m not likely to follow historical/extreme fantasy blogs if they don’t have some form of modern verse bc i just don’t see him in those settings, i also tend to avoid anyone who says they dont like multis/ocs even if it doesn’t apply on the blog im on bc uh we love multis and ocs here. sometimes if a blogs new i wont follow, but sometimes i will it just depends on the vibe lmao. sometimes aesthetics/etc will play a role but mostly it’s just based on rules/meshability

2. Are aesthetics important to you? If they are, why?

yes and no? like i won’t shun anyone for having “bad” aesthetics or anything, but i hold my own personal aesthetic to a higher regard? like, if someones aesthetic makes things unreadable/impossible to navigate then i hate it, but like i don’t care about other peoples aesthetic that much. if it’s pretty i definitely see the blog in a better light which im trying not to do, but mostly it’s my own aesthetics that matter to me and that’s just because i simply need to be perceived positively at all times

3. What current rp trend do you hate?

i don’t think there are any i really hate? as long as trends aren’t harmful i dont care much.

4. How do you explain rp to someone in the real world?

i don’t lmao the only person who knows about rp irl is my inner circle, and they know it as rp bc at least one of them has actually been in the rp world

5. Do you prefer interacting with male muses or female more? Why?

i don’t really have much preference? all genders bring in their own potential for different plots and dynamics and i love them all equally. but female muses and muses that don’t conform to the male/female binary are always favorites because they deserve more appreciation

6. Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

this one was actually hard to answer because like? i don’t know? i write plenty of both, and i feel like i prefer males, but also i think that’s just because of the way males tend to be treated over females? like some of my female muses are That Muse that never goes away, but because females tend to be more ignored or people just don’t read their info it’s never as fun writing them

7. What’s your opinion on call out posts?

sometimes they’re necessary, sometimes they’re not. i don’t really read them? unless it’s a callout that comes across my dash a lot or revolves around someone i know/write with. if it’s a legit predator then i say go off, but if it’s something petty or spiteful i think it just makes all parties involved look kinda bad.

8. Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

answered here.

9. What is your opinion on exclusivity? Do you practice it? Why / why not?

i have in the past, i don’t really presently. i think sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad, and really depends on the fandoms/characters involved. like currently i have lea as my exclusive stiles and earth as my exclusive carol because they have such intense connections to jason and are literally a part of his backstory/canon so it would feel really strange to have another version of that muse come along and try to either fit the dynamic or ignore it. that said i have in the past had exclusives where it felt like i was trapped in it or didn’t get to explore more dynamics because of it, so it can be a win or a lose dependent on the person you’re exclusive with and what they’re like.

10. Have you ever had a bad experience with commissions? As either someone who makes them or as someone who buys them?

not really, no. i don’t think i’ve ever actually commissioned anyone, and the people who have commissioned me in the past have generally been really nice. there’s been a few times where people really don’t know what they want or change their mind constantly or just ghost before we get anywhere, but mostly it’s been a good experience for me.

11. What do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started?

that literally nothing matters. who cares. take as long as you want, remake as much as you want. yes this is a hobby that depends on other people somewhat, but that doesn’t mean that everything you do should revolve around them. take mental health breaks, write in prose, have a super minimalist or super maximalist aesthetic. who gives a shit, this is about having fun.

12. Have you been involved in drama? Do you regret it?

answered here.

13. Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind?

answered here.

14. Do you think rp has had a positive or negative affect on your life or you as a person?

oh a huge positive effect on both for sure. there are times that it’s been bad for my mental health, but i’ve also met so many brilliant people and had so much fun doing this. half of my facebook friends list is people i’ve befriended through rp (and yes this is an invite to anyone i talk to a lot to ask for my facebook if u want it)

15. How has rp changed you personally?

i started rping in 2012 when i was 14. rp was my main hyperfixation through high school, with me spending most days in class on tumblr rather than doing work. i shaped my entire life around rp for a long time, and while that was extremely unhealthy it was also a huge formative thing for me. tumblr and roleplaying are so ingrained into who i am at this point, it’s literally changed my life. the friends i made through rp, especially in my high school years, were a life changing thing. i had one or two friends in high school, but i was heavily bullied and widely hated and rp really did save me from really fully sinking into thinking that’s what everyone thought of me

16. If you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be? Why?

i think it would mostly just be the accessibility and ease of it? i miss the days where you didn’t have to be mutuals to write, and how it was just so easy to get things going and have meaningless fun. i love my mutuals and i love plotted threads but i truly think there was something so easy about starting a blog and immediately having threads and people to write with. lately tumblr has become a place where it’s so easy to be ignored or feel like no one wants to write with you, and i really miss the days where there was always someone there who wanted to write with you and be friends.

17. Have you ever sent a message to yourself on anon? Why?

literally all the time lmao. my positivity blog is 50% me sending myself anons because people very rarely send them in. people follow positivity blogs to hear positivity about themselves but never send any in which makes it difficult. i don’t want to seem like my positivity blog is focused only on my mutuals, but i also don’t have much i can say about non-mutuals without it feeling fake so it’s a rough balance. i also send myself anonymous headcanon questions all the time bc no one else is gonna do it for me

18. Have you ever sent hate to yourself on anon? Why?

i think i did once or twice in like 2014 because i was a 16 year old who wanted attention. mostly it was just like i’d posted something that i knew would be controversial in the fandom and wanted to send myself the hate while i had a comeback in mind rather than wait for someone else to say it and feel bad lmao

19. Do you delete anon hate or post and address it? Why?

i tend to post/address it. it’s a bummer to get anon hate and i know i should delete it but i’ll see it and be like ‘oh everyone thinks this’ so i post it so that everyone can see and be like ‘yeah’ but then they’re like ‘this is bullshit’ and i have a moment of like... oh... people... dont hate me?

20. Have you ever felt pressured to write something you weren’t comfortable with?

i dont think so, not that i remember at least.

21. Have you ever followed someone because you felt like you had to, not because you wanted to?

yeah, a few times. i tend to feel that way less now but i still do it sometimes. i know there’s not really any pressure, but sometimes breaking mutuals with people you don’t click with feels really hard

22. What would make you block someone?

not a lot, really? like not for hard blocks. i’ll softblock when i do unfollow sprees or if we don’t really mesh. i only hardblock people who spam me, personals and like. actual problematic people.

23. Have you ever stolen something from someone else?

not that i’m aware of.

24. Have you ever had something stolen from you? If so, how did you handle it?

again, not that i’m aware of.

25. Are you open to duplicates? Why / why not?

this doesn’t apply to jason, but generally yeah. it depends on the muse really. im not open to duplicates on beth (multimuses aside) because of how she’s a comfort character for me and i’ve had some Bad Experience with other beths in the past, and theres a few muses i write from smaller fandoms that don’t have duplicates but that i wouldn’t want duplicates for. mostly though im chill.

26. How do you feel about vague posting?

i don’t love it, but i am guilty of it too. sometimes u gotta vague to get things out, but i don’t like vagues where that person is likely to see it? idk i just don’t like vagues but i wont stop you

27. Do you follow people even if they don’t follow you back?

sometimes, but not really. i used to do it a lot, but since people are so intense on mutuals only these days i get heaps of anxiety about accidentally liking something when i think we’re mutuals but we’re not

28. Do you read people’s rules before following or interacting?

i try to. a lot of people don’t have mobile friendly info (note that linking to pages on your blog like a /rules or /about isnt actually mobile friendly, you can’t use those links in the app) and i spend a lot of time on mobile, but i usually just wont follow back until i can read them and then i double check rules for triggers and stuff whenever plotting/sending memes/etc.

29. What is your opinion on “reblog karma” and do you practice it?

i don’t love it and i don’t practice it, but i get it. it sucks to have people reblog things from you without sending, especially headcanon/ooc stuff. i won’t ever force people though, especially with ic stuff, sometimes certain memes just don’t fit and that’s okay.

30. How have you responded to popular slang used on tumblr? Do you use it in every day life? Do you use it at all?

probably? i type the same as i talk pretty much, anything you see me type is something i’d say

31. Is there something you don’t know the meaning of but you haven’t asked anyone because you think it’s supposed to be general knowledge? Was there ever something you had to ask someone to explain?

i dont think so. generally i google things if i don’t know it.

32. Have you ever experienced discrimination?

not that i’m aware of. i guess people ignoring female ocs and loving male canons might sorta be it, but nothing personal about me no

33. How do you feel about personal blogs following your rp blog?

not a fan, tend to block them. personals just tend to get into my shit and rb stuff and it’s annoying. that said, if it’s someone i know from the rp community’s personal they can stay

34. Have you ever cried while writing a reply?

literally all the time. every angsty reply.. i cry so easily

35. Do you read other people’s threads or do you only read your own?

i read so many other peoples threads, especially people i interact with a lot. i read @unheaven and @aphostate‘s threads like the morning paper i love them

36. What’s one thing that other people seem to hate that doesn’t bother you?

i don’t know that anyone really hates things that much?? oh, but 13rw is a big one i guess. the show helped me mentally and i have muses on my multi, but i know the majority of the rpc is very much against it

37. How do you feel about tagging triggers? Do you tag them? How do you determine what is triggering content and what isn’t?

i try to, but i don’t ever really know when exactly things need to be tagged. i use the ‘ask to tag //’ tag a lot for things that im not sure about. generally speaking triggers go untagged unless it’s intense/graphic, but there’s always warnings in my rules about what i don’t tag

38. What advice would you give to someone new to rp?

don’t take it too seriously. it’s a hobby, it’s for fun. these people will not care if you use aesthetic vibes or if you’re a minimalist, they just want your writing. don’t guilt trip people into writing with you, read and respect rules. i don’t know, just treat people how you wanna be treated. rp is a small world, word travels, people know when people are the type to ignore important things.

#afterburied #i love u #answered.#answered prompts.#ooc.

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