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theancientgeekoroman · 5 years

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Heyy, I’m currently an a-level student in England hoping to take classics at university. Do you have any tips for this course, or any advice on how to structure studying or help yourself at all? I know what the course entails and I absolutely love the sound of it, I’m just not sure how strenuous or difficult it is overall.

Sorry for the delay in answering, Nonny! It’s been a busy week, and I’ve been having some issues with productivity.

Here are some of the asks from the past that might help you a little bit in navigating this question:

Advice for Aspiring Classicist Ask: https://theancientgeekoroman.tumblr.com/post/179847323830/hi-im-a-high-schooler-who-wants-to-pursue-aSuggested Reading List Ask: https://theancientgeekoroman.tumblr.com/post/179972282550/hey-sorry-to-bother-you-but-i-recently-went-to-a

Where to Start: https://theancientgeekoroman.tumblr.com/post/183617460805/hello-im-a-high-school-student-interested-in (Includes the two links above in this one)

Advice for Studying Classics at University: https://theancientgeekoroman.tumblr.com/post/183612328890/hey-there-im-about-to-start-university-in-the

And this ask is about History/Museum Studies but might be relevant to your interests because these coincide fairly often: https://theancientgeekoroman.tumblr.com/post/183621851835/while-this-might-not-be-your-area-of-expertise

A lot of the above will answer your questions for tips/tricks/advice for studying and being a Classics student. But I’ll address the strenuous/difficult part here for you. Please also remember that this is coming from someone who attended an American university that is well-known, but not anywhere near “Ivy League” or Oxbridge levels of experience. Since you’re in England, your structure will probably be different, but any of my English followers who would like to add on, please do so! I’m going to go by the different courses I had to take for my Classics major and let you know how strenuous/difficult it was for me and I’ll go by least difficult to most difficult. I’m leaving out coursework that was for “general education requirements” because I don’t think English schools have that element and won’t really apply unless you end up at an American school (and the levels of difficulty varies for me depending on how much math was required, lol).

The Easiest Coursework: For me, the easiest coursework were the courses that had to do with culture (i.e., no language requirements). These courses for me were things like “Biblical and Classical Literature” (we had comparisons of the Bible and The Iliad, and it was a cross-listed as a Jewish Studies and English, so it was a lot of textual analysis, which I’m good at), “Prehistoric Archaeology” (a really cool anthropology course that delved into prehistory all over the world and touched on contemporary Paganism, too), “Women in Antiquity” (a 400-level art history seminar that had fun and creative aspects to it - including reading for Lysistrata for which I had a pool noodle sticking out of my tunic because I was reading as Kinesias), and Literature in Translation courses; I took “Greek Mythology” and “Greek Tragedy,” which were simple because it was more textual analysis.

The reasons I found all of these courses, the least difficult are 1. I am good at textual analysis, which is a big part of Classics in general, so it was good to be exposed to it continuously because if you’re not good at it now, you will be. 2. These classes mainly dealt with things that really interested me, so even if the material was a little difficult, I was interested in it enough that it didn’t feel that difficult.

Mid-Level Difficulty Coursework:

The classes that I had the most difficulty with that were not the language courses were the history courses. The reason I found these more difficult than the above courses because they were more specific and a lot of material. There’s a lot of people to remember, a lot of dates to remember, people you’re going to confuse because so many people basically have the same name. And in undergrad, you have those “survey” classes where you do an overview of an entire civilization, which is A Lot. When I took my Ancient Rome class, it was really overwhelming because we started with the Period of Kings, the “mythological” beginnings of Rome, all the way to the Fall of Rome, in one semester. It felt so fast and so slow at the same time, and I feel like I didn’t retain much from it. Only two of my History courses had to be ancient-related, so most of my other History coursework was Medieval, so that was also a lot of information. You might get overwhelmed easily from how much information you have to take in and remember for assessments/exams/papers. These courses were probably the most time-consuming study and assignment-wise.

Most Difficult Coursework:

For me, the most difficult coursework was Latin and then Ancient Greek (as in, Ancient Greek was the most challenging overall for me). This may not be the same for everyone, and I was relatively good at languages when I was younger, but when I got to university, things were more complicated. Since I started learning new languages in my 20′s, it was not as easy for me to pick up on them as I was when I was in high school. Ancient Greek was difficult because we learned both Classical Greek and Koine Greek, so I had to make sure I didn’t confuse them (we didn’t do a lot of Koine Greek, but I still had to do some work in it, and I was super worried I’d confuse the pronunciations). That and all the accents you have to remember and learning a new alphabet is a lot, too.

Latin, luckily, was a little easier. It was still difficult, but I knew a little bit of the grammar rules/alphabet differences before I began, but admittedly only knew a little bit of Latin from Catholic masses, but nothing beyond that. It was easier than Ancient Greek, but the difficulty lay in the fact that I was taking both of them at the same time, having never taken either of them before, whereas I knew quite a few people who had four years of Latin in high school before they went to university. My sequence was 101-102-201-202 for both of the languages, but a lot of universities are going to require more courses than just 2nd level languages, especially if you want to focus on the languages in graduate school or teach it.

What it all really boils down to is knowing how to properly manage your time. Which I am still really bad at, but you should write out a schedule for classes, homework, outside activities, and remembering to take time to take care of yourself and do necessary things.

One of the things I learned to do early on was to get through the difficult or more time-consuming assignments first, so then the next assignment would go by a lot faster once I had finished the harder homework. It will also make the next assignment seem much easier. But, remember to prioritize things that are due sooner and to try and break down long-term projects if the professor doesn’t (e.g., make sure you have articles/books picked for final papers if you know what your subject is going to be; some professors will basically outline check-ins by making things due for a grade over the semester, such as a proposal, then annotated bibliography, rough draft, and then the final draft).

I hope this helps, and please let me know if you’d like me to clarify anything or ask any more specific questions!

All the best,

Tychon, the Ancient Geeko-Roman

#tagamemnon #Classics #university #college #studying #advice #ask #asks #Anon #Anonymous #personal #long post

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thatjwguy · 6 years

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Johnny Cash The Man Comes Around with Lyrics

Does Satan Exist - Lets Get The Facts

WARNING: Heavy talk about the supernatural and other things occult related will be here so if you are frightened with these subjects i would suggest not reading any further, although it might help you to decern between reality and fiction. Much love, always.

2 Corinthians 4:4

among whom the god of this system of things has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, so that the illumination of the glorious good news about the Christ, who is the image of God, might not shine through.

So let's review what we do know, if you are a biblical person and have discernment of any kind then you should at least have some sense of who Satan is and just how deceptive he can be, i will go on record and say iv been deceived many times by the devil. It's a constant struggle every day to keep your head above water. Quite literally feels at times like you are being pulled under by some force you cannot explain. You have probably heard the expression, battling one's inner demons. Well what if that term could be used literally, one might have his or her own personal real-life demonic presence of some kind. If you have ever dove into the waters of spirituality at all you know that a higher power does exist, correct? Well if the metaphysical realm really does exist, what makes you so certain bad entities do not exist? Especially when it has be proven time and time again by not only “Christians” but by the New Age, Wicca, Hinduism etc etc. Something more is out there that people are actively tapping into, clearing their minds and letting themselves be guided by the spirit. Some may view this as a universal energy, everyone can tap into it at any point if they want. Yes, but have you not noticed that it always seems to point you in a direction the leads you away from Gods teachings. I’m referring to 1st century Christianity before paganism was introduced and then defiled Jehovah’s original teachings.

AWAKE! August 8, 2002

The crusaders of about a thousand years ago missed the point that living “according to Christ” means much more than simply professing allegiance to Jesus Christ. (Matthew 7:21-23) It means living in complete harmony with the teachings of Jesus as found in God’s inspired Word, the Bible. (Matthew 7:15-20; John 17:17) “If you remain in my word,” said Jesus Christ, “you are really my disciples.” (John 8:31) “All will know that you are my disciples,” he said, “if you have love among yourselves.”—John 13:35. In truth, those crusaders had fallen prey to “empty deception according to the tradition of men.” And it is little wonder that ordinary people were deceived, when their religious leaders, their very bishops, “became renowned as military men.” A “warlike spirit became so common among the clergy,” says the Cyclopedia of Biblical, Theological, and Ecclesiastical Literature, by McClintock and Strong, “that whenever anything was to be gained [by it], they were ever ready for war.”

More can be found on the internet, i choose to look at the JW.org website, they keep it clean and very simple in order to make it easy to learn about the bible and its teachings. This is almost a one-stop shop for everything bible related, but enough about that, let's get back to business. So this energy the people tap into is all around us and just at our disposal, as long as we follow the guidelines right? Well, that's funny i thought the point of true freedom was you get to do whatever you want whenever you want? Still seems like you need to follow some sort of pattern or governance of some kind in order to play ball. Laws obviously exist to keep us from going completely insane and causing chaos out there in the world. So with these New Age type practices, you still need them to keep yourself safe to some degree.

Its funny though, cause with all of these teachings or at least the ones iv looked at. They seem to know of a dark energy as well. Something else is there, something you cannot mess with. Almost like the dark side in star wars or something, you can tap into it but you shouldn't. Okay, so they do believe in a dark energy as well... soo at least there's that. What if i told you though, that these energies could have the power to deceive you as well. Mimic anything you could ever want, sound like whoever they want, even look like whoever they want in order to fake you out. Just like the movie business, man they can really make people look like a totally different person. So what makes you think this cant happen in a spirit?

Revelation 12:9

9So down the great dragon was hurled, the original serpent,the one called Devil and Satan,who is misleading the entire inhabited earth;he was hurled down to the earth,and his angels were hurled down with him.

Believe me i don't like this either, i once thought i even had powers i couldn't explain and all that business. Its harder for others im sure because much of what they have been taught throughout the years is founded in these ideologues. They don't want this to be fake, because that means undoing whatever held beliefs they have had. This could range from being reincarnated, afterlife, a heavenly hope of some sort. Its hard to do but not impossible, it just means making some adjustments that's all, not just completely uprooting yourself from everything you are doing. Take a break for a while and find yourself again, perhaps more is needed to be learned. Your journey is only over when you take your last breath, remember that.

This might be the point where cognitive dist sets in for most people, when you have two contradicting beliefs in your head and you either shut the one out, or just simply change it to fit your narrative. I might link the video where that is talked about, people having two opposing thoughts and trying to ignore one or change one to fit what you want. Seems to be the way people tend to think, unless they just completely ignore anything that goes opposed to what they think just to keep their illusion going, cause god forbid they actually think critically right? Sorry perhaps im taking this a bit too far, could you sense the passive-aggressive nature of that?

Link to video on cognitive dissance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y17YaZRRvY

The point of this post is to challenge your beliefs, cause i know you might be an individual who is unbelieving or just skeptical of the spiritual side of things. So from this point on i will just give you links to articles or videos that might further your understanding of all these things. If you are truly questioning this then you would do the research, insted of running away, you would do what is necessary in order to gain more insight on the topic. Then again, i may just be wasting my time with this post anyway. Though i see it as a postive, iv at least caught your attention long enough to read this entire thing. The seed might have already been planted and now you might be questioning your reality. I wish you all well on your endeavors fellow bloggers and internet people.

Link Bombs

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/bible-study/angels-in-the-bible/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TB9PaZBdGY&index=33&list=PLzcSerCuk3W70XCYLA0PQs4NGtBA7OdVZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyaHgawWgNM

http://dismythed.blogspot.com/search?q=demons https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyYStHGxjFk

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jooheongif · 6 years

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it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

#how did i..even end up writing so much im so sorry :-(#and sorry that this is all over the place !!#i hope i didn't go on too much of a tangent :(#ask #theory anon #Anonymous

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roxxdafoxx · 4 years

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Why I stopped celebrating the holidays...

for me holidays were always a disappointment the decision to not celebrate the holidays can save you money and your sanity its definitely a “rich mans holiday” my grandmother always made it a point to make sure i felt valued she always got me a gift and a birthday cake My great grandmother an I shared the same birth date and having a birthday with my great grandmother was the best now with the exception of a few cousins and my children now that my entire family is dead and after spending every holiday in the hospital ive had a lot of time spent in isolation to learn and get to know myself and God on a more intimate and deeper level not being with family always being depressed during the holidays made me realize why am i allowing these holidays cause me anxiety get me all upset about being able to afford gifts for everyone especially when u have a big heart and the desire to give to everyone id give to almost everyone in the entire world if i could but feeling that way during holidays never sat right with me it would ruin my mood my self esteem/self worth i would feel i had no value like i was never good enough no matter hat i did or gave would never be good enough i would find myself damn near balled up in a corner crying on a day that was supposed to be happy my birthday being so close to christmas put my birthday in the my mind in the “you dont matter box” lol im sure most can relate if their birthday is during that time when most people are getting ready for the holidays while everyone else gets both a birthday present and a christmas present for christmas babies your lucky if you even get a gift in general trying to throw a party around that time is equally as difficult people are just too busy the holiday its supposed to be about Jesus and his birth and birthday although its not even the day he was born a lot of people aint even really thinking about Jesus at all some celebrate christmas and dont even believe in God its just tradition for them and a reason to celebrate and get gifts and its origins have nothing to do with God!!! The origin of Christmas is completely opposite of what most think theyre celebrating and most are in denial that they continue to celebrate a lie with a dark origin they say halloween is a devils holiday but Christmas is too!! the reason the birth of Jesus is not listed in the bible is because God never planned or commanded us to celebrate his birth because he doesnt have a birthdate he has always existed the bible even calls it foolishness (Jer 10) this is the reason people cant wait for the holiday cram to be over with because theyre busy trying to please everyone except God being selflessly selfish and putting themselves into debt is that really the correct way to show people that you care? When u travel a bit when u go through some things when u see people struggle just to have a roof over their head are homeless or living in a shelter or if you think of people in other countries who are just grateful for a pair of old worn out shoes you realize how vain the holidays really are the bible even calls it “vanity” when you look at all the beautiful decorations all the money spent on trees and lights etc u start to see it for what it really is its all “vanity” please believe im not being judgemental i celebrated this holiday before i somewhat celebrated it even tho i was in the hospital i mean you really cant avoid the celebration because the majority is celebrating and it will trickle its way on down to you in one way or another for instance i no longer celebrate and this is my first year deciding not to the nurses bought me gifts along with a santa claus hat that ive been wearing because i love hats its warm im into costumes and fashion but even fashion can be considered vanity we have put ourselves in a place and position that we forgot where we came from and what our ancestors went through.. I loved planning birthdays and surprises for friends, but when it came to me, the favor was never returned. That's when I realized that planning my own birthday or holidays or others birthdays that it was too much pressure trying to please others. it still makes you feel inadequate and terrible. nobody cares Let's be real Everyone is already in debt. Your birthday just became another errand on their daily to-do list. If you invite a lot of people they dont show up or might not bring anything some folks just really are there for the food and a party could care less about you but its just something to do it could mean you have false friendships/relationships in general and you're just there hoping for gifts even fake friends buy gifts too u just never know .... the dark origins is really what made me give up on holidays valentines day is supposed to be about love but i never felt more unloved than on that day halloween aka “the devils day” you get more gifts of candy from strangers than any other holiday ironically and its like the day where being scared is supposed to be fun the bible clearly states fear is not of God a lot of people like that stuff and like the feeling of being afraid until its a real situation then its not so fun.. i can barely watch horror films i honestly dont know how people come up with these crazy scary movies how do they film them write them and play these characters i mean acting is most def a talent...If you’ve never researched where our Christmas traditions come from, if interested in the truth look into it. I started to share them here, but it would take me FOR.EV.ER. to go through all of the names, dates, traditions, etc. But look into where Dec. 25th came from. the Yule log, the Christmas tree and its ornaments and lights, holly, mistletoe, wreaths, the Christmas ham… look up Winter Solstice and Saturnalia. If you are really interested in knowing where your traditions come from and what they mean… do some studying.Suffice it to say, what we are doing when we partake of the traditions of Christmas is nothing more than imitating the pagan’s worship of the sun god. And i no longer can stand to have any part of spitting in the face of God. (Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but this is how it makes me feel.)For a long time I tried to rationalize that it was okay to continue enjoying the festivities. After all, we weren’t doing it to worship a sun god, we were honoring the birth of Christ! Right? Well, after much prayer and studying God’s word, one day the Lord revealed this analogy to me.Let’s just say that your spouse has cheated on you. After all, the Lord does call his people an “adulterous bride” after they went chasing pagan gods.Let’s say that your cheating spouse has come back to you, and asked your forgiveness. All has been made right again.Now, let’s say it’s your birthday. And your spouse wants to honor you on this day. (Although, in an appropriate analogy the celebration wouldn’t even be on your actual birthday!its on the other womans/guys birthday)But instead of giving you gifts that you have clearly expressed a desire for, your spouse gives you things that his lover enjoyed! He made his/her favorite foods, wanted to enjoy his/her favorite activities with you, lavished you with things that would have delighted him/her! Now, would this honor you? Would you feel loved and esteemed in this situation? Of course not!!! You’d be Livid!!! Is this not what we do to Christ, when we say that we are honoring Him by means of pagan traditions!? Being me,.. I wanted to find something in Scripture to solidify my convictions. Would God see the intentions of my heart, and understand that I’m just trying to please Him? Or would He be angry as I know I would be in that situation?...YHWH brought me to Exodus 32, the story of the Golden Calf. Remember that one? Moses had gone up onto the mountain to speak with God (and bring down the 10 commandments), but he took so long in coming that the people began to wonder what had happened to him. They asked Aaron to make a golden calf for them to worship, and he did so. But I thought this was fascinating, in verse 5 of that same chapter Scripture says, “And when Aaron saw it (the golden calf), he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, Tomorrow is a feast to the LORD.”Do you see what he was doing? The people had fallen back into pagan practices, and were worshiping an idol, yet saying it was to honor God!! The next verse goes on to say,“And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to play.”Wow. Sounds like they were having a very fun celebration, huh?! Did the Lord look at the rejoicing of their hearts and feel honored? Let’s find out…In verses 7-9, YHWH speaks to Moses and tells him what the people are doing. He says that they have “corrupted themselves”, and “turned aside quickly out of the way which I commanded them”.Then in verse 10, YHWH says, “Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them…”.He was SO ANGRY! He was ready to destroy them all! Evidently, He was not pleased at the way they were trying to honor Him… mixing worship with pagan traditions. Mixing the holy with the unholy. water oil Vinegar type mix Just. Like. Christmas.....As I continued to study, I also came to 1 Samuel 15…This is where King Saul went out to destroy the Amalekites. But the Lord specifically told him (through Samuel) that he was to “utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.” (verse 3)But if you read on, you’ll find in verse 21 that they did not do as the Lord had commanded, and had in fact brought back with them the best of the sheep and oxen instead of killing them. Of course, when Samuel confronts him about it, Saul rationalizes that they did it “to sacrifice unto the LORD”.Here again, man is disobeying the Lord’s commands, yet saying he is doing so to try to please God. What does the Lord say? Verse 22-23, “And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to “OBEY” is better than sacrifice”!!!, .For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.”God didn’t want the sacrifices. He wanted obedience!!!.Here’s another in Deuteronomy 12:29-31; He is speaking to the Israelites before they go into the promised land,“When Yahweh your Elohim cuts off from before you the nations which you go to dispossess, and you displace them and dwell in their land, take heed to yourself that you are not ensnared to follow them, after they are destroyed from before you, and that you do not inquire after their gods, saying, `How did these nations serve their gods? I also will do likewise.’You shall not worship Yahweh your Elohim in that way; for every abomination to Yahweh which He hates they have done to their gods…”We are specifically told NOT to worship God with the ways of the pagans!! Jesus himself said in Matthew 15:7-9, “Ye hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.”I don’t want to worship in vain, forsaking the commandments of God and clinging to the traditions of men. (also in Matt. 15:3)I don’t want to have anything to do with the unholy.Ephesians 5:11, “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.”In fact, the recurring theme all throughout Scripture is for God’s people to NOT follow the way of the pagans (in other words, go along with what the rest of the unbelieving world does), but to be set apart as holy, and to honor YHWH by obeying His commandments!If we profess to worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, then we cannot ignore the very character of God as repeated to us throughout Scripture. He is a loving God, yes, but He is also a jealous God. He will not share His people with idols.“For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 34:14 But let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Christmas traditions don’t really have pagan roots. Let’s just pretend that’s a bunch of baloney.Even still, nowhere in Scripture is it commanded to remember the birth of Christ. In fact, what we are commanded to celebrate are the Biblical Feasts of the Lord (given in Lev. 23), including Passover in remembrance of Christ’s death. Yet, far too many Christians have never even heard of the seven Feasts of the Lord, or they think they are “Jewish” celebrations. Scripture doesn’t call these holy days (not holidays) “Jewish feasts”, but the LORD’s Feasts. And everyone who calls himself a child of Elohim is to keep them. Forever.And so, we have chosen to give the Lord the gifts He has specifically requested, and honor Him through celebrating and remembering the Feasts of the lord.Loved ones, I know that Christmas is a special time of year, and that people get very caught up in its traditions and festivities. But our hearts yearn to honor the Lord… above all else. And this is something that i feel is non-negotiable.So, im saying “No”: to the holiday rush, and fighting over the latest toys for my kids, and inflatable yard decorations, and the lies of a bearded man who claims to have the powers of God (all seeing, all knowing, all present), and the Great Big Toys “R” Us Book, and “Yuletide” carols, and guilt induced credit card spending, and drunken company Christmas parties, and everything else that the world gets so wrapped up in during this time of year.For me, it really only comes down to one thing:“If you love me, keep my commandments.” John 14:15 And I think I’ve laid out pretty clearly what i believe the Lord expects from us. one holiday i like which is the 4th of july because it summer and there’s fireworks in the sky and bbq but what is the true origin of 4th of july? i wish we didn’t have to have wars i wish people could just live and let live without hurting anyone why steal why not just learn from each other share a world without greed would be beautiful but also when u have nothing really left and after you have gotten rid of all the fake people in your life u find no real reason to celebrate if you have no one to celebrate with with my family all passing away the money has been short after being locked up in an institution it puts a damper on things i feel like these holidays are made up just to make the rich get rich yes we all want to have fun and have a good time but id rather celebrate with the right people for the right reason without any ulterior motives that battle against principalities ans spiritual wickedness against rulers of darkness evil spirits in high places the fowl of the air id much rather sell things to people who do celebrate these holidays because at least it can help with bills instead of be a hindrance and burden in my life i’m not judging anyone who celebrates holidays i use to celebrate them too i’m just sharing why i have chosen not to honestly i celebrate everyday i buy gifts throughout the year why celebrate when the government wants us to? so they can capitalize on the citizens have us participate in their hellenistic rituals that we aren’t even made aware of until we do the homework and learn about them for ourselves these traditions were forced on us we weren’t given a choice and to think we were told that by celebrating these days we are honoring God and all along we arent we are honoring other gods celebrating holidays that have origins of other gods and not the true God the bible doesn’t encourage us to entertain these practices why even celebrate anything that has the potential to be a set up for disappointment by not celebrating it eliminates any expectation of having a day that you really only see in the movies on the hallmark channel i’ve also noticed people dread and just cant wait for it to be over like a funeral and its supposed to be a joyful prosperous time its even programmed to be called the most wonderful time of the year i tell ya satan is a sly trickster i chose life and freedom from the imprisonment that i feel when it comes to the holidays so while everyone else is celebrating i decided to be happy and enjoy myself in my own company with God the real comforter snuggled up to him in worship and gratefulness as an introvert id rather spend the days away from all of that i enjoy being an introvert i enjoy being in my own company creating with the creator holding me down and uplifting me and perhaps the holidays have turned me into a “scroogey your highness grinch” because i view things differently now but with that comes the freedom of me not having to do what everyone else is doing setting myself apart from the masses (mass level of destruction lol insider) i’m living my life by my rules by my preferences and spending time with God my best friend God never asked for anything but for us to live right and be holy because he is holy this is something to be celebrated always everyday everyday is our unbirthday one day out of the year is a day we were born on and we shouldn’t feel pressured or disappointed because someone didn’t get us a gift or acknowledge the fact that we are here another year and alive if anything we should spend our birthday alone with God because for sure its facts that you’ll feel value and loved in the arms of God i feel we should do something special for ourselves no one will ever love us like God can no one will ever love us like the self love we give ourselves truth be told people will always fail u people will not always be there for you people die there are no guarantees in life except the existence of God and his everlasting word anything else is temporary everything we see will one day no longer be so i make it a point not to depend on external happiness internal happiness is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves always do you stay true to yourself get rid of old habits that dont benefit your soul and be happy do what makes you happy there’s always room to learn more and to improve in certain areas in your life in all areas a friend once told me and it will forever stick with me and that is we aren’t perfect we are not all knowing we are forever learning and correcting things we are all a work in progress give to others keep yourself in alignment with the word of God by giving to others its like youre giving to God and it will be given back to you within the same measure you gave with so just be a happy cheerful giver give from you’re entire heart good things will happen just dont give and expect something back giving to receive doesn’t work like that...another thing don’t wait for their birthday or a man made holiday to do things for people some might not even live to see another birthday this kinda follows the saying don’t wait till i’m dead to buy me flowers or wait till im gone to finally miss me invite someone to dinner just because why wait until thanksgiving to feast and be thankful around your loved ones thanksgiving a day where we are actually celebrating stealing the land from the people who were already here thats like allowing someone to move in with you you teach them how to grow food and make a living for themselves and then they rob you and kick you out of your own home and force you to pay them to live in the street and first and foremost last but most assuredley not least never allow the holidays to validate you your value doesnt depend on gifts u get or didnt get or the people around you i like small numbers i think God prefers small numbers too because quality is and always will be better than quantity id rather have 1 real friend than a thousand fake friends even if my only friend is myself i remember in elementary school they would give out secret candies on valentines day some student s would recieve like 30 gifts because either they were that much admired and popular or they bought themselves gifts and made it look like someone else did it for them to make themselves appear to be better but i wonder if fake love makes them feel better its kinda like today how they buy followers do me a favor be happy keep the fake stuff to the side seek to be happy internally so nothing or no one can take that from u people and material things are all external things theyre all temporary the things money cant buy the things we cant see are the more permanent things our bodies are also temporary but these souls of ours are gonna be with us a lot longer so make sure you take good care of it and of you real love is internal and eternal and its the best gift we can give to ourselves signed #EternallyYours #EternalLove

#EternallyYours EternalLove InternalLove #God WhyINoLongerCelebrateChristmas WhyINoLongerCelebrateHolidays #Love #WhyINoLongerCelebrateChristmas #WhyINoLongerCelebrateHolidays

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momma-on-a-mission-blog1 · 7 years

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Sleep Study-

So Ive had a few days to calm down, reset and think about things...

Just a little bit of my perspective, it is a huge pet peeve, probably more than a pet peeve, but I think everyones time is valuable, mine, the Dr's, the nurses, the patient before me and the patient after me. I will NOT wait in a room for hours to see them, especially when Im paying you for your time. So heres the story--

My appointment for my initial consult was at 3:40, I showed up at 3:30 to get paperwork done and to be ready at my SCHEDULED time. I was in the waiting room for 30 minutes after my scheduled time before they finally called me back. We started with the basics, weight (UGH), blood pressure and all that mess, I blew into their machines and did all the monkey tricks they asked for, then the Dr. came in, he went over the 20 pages of paperwork I had brought with me and asked a few more questions. Once he left the nurse came back and got me ready for an EKG and off we went with that. At this point I hadn't been left alone for more than 15 minutes at a time but I had already been there for 2 hours. She let me know he would be back in to do a physical and so I waited....I could hear him talking and thought he was talking to the patient next door...I started to notice the waiting room got quiet and the patients from next door left. I still heard him talking. I started pacing and walking to the door of my room. I could see the reception desk from my room and it was empty, I looked down the hall way and it was empty but I could still hear the Dr talking. At this point I had been in the room for over 45 minutes since they last checked on me. I finally realized he wasn't with a patient, he was at the nurses station with all his staff and they were having bible study!! The nurses were asking question about specific verses and he was answering them, I made some noise and tried to get their attention but they were busy. So at this point I had been left in the room alone for an hour!! I was livid. I finally walked out to the reception desk and hollered for someone, I wanted to pay out and leave!! My head was spinning and I was on fire. As I mentioned before time is valuable mine and his but they had wasted enough of mine. My daughter was with a friend because I expected it to take a little while but this was beyond that and I had another meeting to get to that night! The receptionist came up and started to look at her computer, the nurse came out and started making excuses. I went off, I couldn't believe that they though it was acceptable, the Dr came out and said he was sorry but that I needed to come back because he really thought I had sleep apnea. I called him out on that, How would he know??? The papers he went over with me all say Im perfectly healthy other than I am FAT!!! Oh I was livid!! He finally told the flustered receptionist there would be no charge and let me go. I stomped out at exactly 6:45, over 3 hours from the time I arrived.

I received a text message from the Dr. and he also sent a hand written note to Dr. VH placing the blame on his staff and offered to cover all expense if I would just come back and finish with them.

My first reaction was to tell them all to kiss off! But after a few days and a lot of time reminding myself to be an adult I decided that this might work out better for me financially, and then once the surgery is done, he's done and I don't have to mess with him again. So wish me luck, Ill be finishing my 3 hour appointment on Thursday.

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abynauts · 5 years

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Brain, y r u liek this?

errr hallo, i just did something impulsively that my brain told me to...

I guess out of curiosity and its the final year in college so, well i chatted two guys lol WUT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Gahd why did i go overboard... or im just overthinking things hehe

so GUY A, i greeted him happy birthday on chat cuzzzz it was his birthday duh but, well the whole day, he pointed my head while i was waiting for my friend at the washroom (well i was waiting outside whilst sitting on the floor and busy with ma phone) and did it for the second time, i guess this time, totally pressing it... probably to get my attention while calling my name. And i said ‘hey’ without looking at him. Just to lol respond a bit idk y the heck i am so dem shy, especially when it comes to boys... im not close to him, but the gestures he gives sometimes haha its funny and i get to think about those than other stressful stuff. Well at least for a brief moment. Then he went inside the org’s office, which was adjacent to the washroom im waiting at.

Then he went out and called me out, and I looked at him (that make face asking ‘wut?’) and he said ‘nothing’. Well... idk but im assuming, WUTS WITH THAT??? playing my hair and getting my attention then nothing. There’s probably something there bro. Like i know those gestures, pinching my arms out of nowhere, getting my attention out of nowhere, idk maaaan i hate assuming does he likes me (ooh the idea just creeps me, but not in a bad way)...

well, there’s this weird thing about me, where when it comes to boys... if i feel like they seem amazed or akjfajkshfakjshfaf-attracted?? or having a crush on me, im just... don’t want to. interact. with. them. Well when you like someone, you want to talk to them, and here i am, closing the possibilities of that happening xD SNOB THEM, SNOB IS LIFE xD gahd but im curious really... even when it is ‘like’ to be friends because idk just friends, if my friends are not friends with that person and like creating a new bridge of friends, its difficult. Its tiring to handle new people who you don’t know how they act xD so yea... that’s that

Then when i got home, gahd I AM FULLY AWARE THE WHOLE DAY THAT IT IS THEIR BIRTHDAY AND I just did not greeted them WHEN EVERYONE IN CLASS ARE SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOL like play it cool play it cool just ignore and poof my brain just said

brain: greet them happy birthday me: if i do that, i’m responsible for responding after that... like chat them out of the blue brain: cuz its their birthday, u have a reason me: i hate u brain: well u know wut happens when u do nothing, nothing happens, try it me: y u do dis brain: practice wut u preach gurl

and here we are, i greeted GUY A happy birthday. And he said thanks and a follow up ‘u were cute earlier’. And just played it cool, laughed over it and told him to enjoy the day cuz its his day. Then he replied ‘u never chatted me before and we’ve been blockmates most of the time so’ and i told him cuz its his birthday and we’re at the pinnacle of our college life. I was too honest, but nothing to say, I’m really curious bout the dude’s response... like is he sincere? Like wuts with the random gestures? then i told him he was hard to approach (so i guess i close the door for that back then) then he replied ‘cuz i’m an introvert so...’ then i said ‘oh haha’.... no reply... DID I OFFEND HIM???????? i didn’t meant it liek its not bad to be an introvert xD im kinda a bit of introvert, but ya hyperactive when u get to know me ;_; so that happened

NEXT GUY B, well............ my friend likes him xD so when she tells something about him, i get to listen to all about him xD and yea he sounds dreamy. I don’t go close with someone’s crush cuz bruh i am aware of someone’s POV lol so yea... i dont want to cause confusion ._. i never interacted with him so...

but here’s the thing, i talked to him once... i was early for a block dance practice cuz there’s a punishment when u late (treat the whole class water, water was gold back then), and he came next... just the two of us xD and i just acted myself. IDK Y BUT WHEN I’M WITH ONE-ON-ONE WITH SOMEONE, I’M JUST ME... BUT IF THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHOM I KNOW, I’M just gonna huddle with the people i just know.

so i had that interaction with him, he was funny lol cuz he also look snobbish, GUY A and B are friends... runs within their group i guess?? but that was the last proper conversation alone hehe

after that... there were gestures xD he moved my bag away from the sun (which i kent find my bag where it was??), he attempted to make a conversation (but i snobbed him off... cuz that’s was when my friend liked him). I may forget other happenings... I remember we attended bible study (our prof brought his youth to class and invited the class who wanted to) and there we are listening to word of God, then when it was time to pray for everyone who attended to accept the salvation they have shared... THE AC WAS SO COLD and my hands really got easily cold, and he was opposite of me... so I said ‘sorry, my hands are really cold’... idk y, but i wanted my friend to be on my seat, so she gets to hold his hand... then he held my cold freezing hand and said ‘i’ll get them warm’... my heart... skipped a beat xD i feel so guilty in front of God and my friend but that’s where it really... really scared me, for feeling like this. Then for the general assembly (GA) for the whole college, we’re suppose to perform and one of it is dancing... he asked me to be his partner, when my friend was not there and in front of the other people practicing. Well, i was thrilled a bit (ugh the guilty pang), but i know the whole group were expecting him and my friend were partners... plus i was practicing with someone else already. Idk y my friend backout the dance and my partner wanted to pair with someone else with the audience???? so yea... i guess i had to say yes... i don’t know how to tell my friend, but i tried my best to act uninterested... but i guess it shows a bit?? i never danced with him during practice, while others are practicing cuz they’re couples in reality... and its a slow dance haha u can do anything u want, y practice right??

Before the performance, we were telling each other the steps lol because yea we never practiced xD and i told him ‘okay, you can hold my waist and twirl me once, but i’ll also do that too to you okay???’ and he just laughed and weird out i guess and said ‘okay?’... seriously, I feel liek i shouldn’t be being like this, but because of that one time talking to him for the first time back then, i want him to feel that old atmosphere, that this is me... the playful me... the not snobbish me...

And during the performance, we were the only one SPINNING, LIKE EVERYONE WERE REALLY DANCING SLOW... and we just danced merrily lol (we... didn’t really practiced and it shows lol) and gosh... i didn’t know he was that tall... i have a thing for tall human beings (curse u kpop for raising my standards) he looked manly, when he leads me... i just have to follow wherever he takes me. It was wow... i was laughing the whole time, laughing at his face, his smiling face, up close to his smiling face... and when he twirled me, i looked at my friend and her partner (she joined last minutes idk y but at least she there, she a great dancer so I was thinking Y DID U LEAVE, U WERE SUPPOSE THE ONE DANCING HERE) well... they were all really in slow dance mode. Now it was my turn to take his waist HAHAHAHAHA seriously to break the tension, to break something that i am feeling inside, that this is just a friendly dance. I remember looking down and notice how long his feet was haha... deng it im falling hard from the dance lol then when the dance ends, all the boys give paper roses to the ladies, and WELL THAT ROSE WAS ON HIS MOUTH THE WHOLE DANCE, probably the stem is wet from (my gahd). So i just accepted it lol and i attempted to return it to him after he was done doing the male group dance. I’m glad that he said that i keep it :)

but the sad thing was, my camera, which was suppose to film the whole performance, went low batt... and when it dies while videoing, the whole video wont be saved unless u stop it. I cried after knowing that, because it was the last GA dance because we gonna graduate this school year... also knowing that, all that dance... will be just a memory. I can see how my friend didn’t seem to care about me crying for reason 1, she... must be jealous for dancing with her crush... gahd im so guilty but i just wept... sad and all and let them all head home, cuz they were using my dad’s classroom (yup he a professor at my university). it was special for me :> also when the practice was happening, he wanted to dance with me but i said no while videoing the performance... but i forgot to press record -_- really meant to be a memory ugh

where was I?? GUY B was also his birthday today, so I greeted him at chat ‘happy chinese new year!!’ cuz i always assumed that feb. 19 is chinese new year IDK Y but ever since i was a kid, so yea. Before that, we drank milk tea with him yesterday and yea they said it was his birthday the next day so i told him about that info. He replied ‘u really pushing that event haha thanks (nickname) huehue’ then i said ‘welcome’. hoping to end the conversation fast cuz scared... of this guilty feeling from back then. My friend also likes someone else nao, but yeaa who knows, she liked GUY B for so long, it don’t just fade that fast... Then he replied ‘where’s my rice cake then?’, then i just joked him that we didn’t have any cuz only i know within the family that its chinese new year today lol (im so downtown cornykillme). Then he replied ‘You’re the only one who greeted me this way today hahahahaha’... me, being an overthinker, remembering my friend and her pure feelings back then and me shielding wutever feeling i may have for him, replied:

erase erase erase happy birthday!

and he replied ‘okok. haha. thanks’ big happy face emoji :) me: big smiling face emoji :D

i feel so ordinary after that... he probably replied everyone with the same thank you when they greet him...

I... in my mind, i don’t want me to be that someone who greeted him weirdly in his birthday, that makes me notable among the people who greeted him today... I am not dense to his actions back then, I had to act that I was dense and don’t care... But I am seriously affected with him being gentleman... Like one time, I was just walking while typing on ma phone and not watching my way... but he was also walking along with us, and he pushed me cuz I was about to hit the pole/column... I dont really care if I get hit, my friends would probably let it happen and laugh about it and i laugh about it too cuz not a lot of people hit themselves on a pole because of ignorance. But really... I appreciate that haha dem it... I also remember that one time, I was taking a picture of the male dance group they were making a parody of, so I was standing on the arm chairs, and balancing myself. Its dangerous I know, BUT I CAN GET A PROPER ANGLE FROM THERE and my friend is busy but also on the same room. So i almost got unbalanced trying to get that perfect angle, and wow he really moved fast and held the arm chair in place... fudge... it hurts feeling this way...

I can’t tell my friends how I feel... cuz, i feel illegal wutever I am feeling for him... I remember when he appreciated my drawings... how he saves me from obstructions lol how does he do it???? im fine with getting hurt, but thanks man. If ever, he feels something for me and tells me (haha i play the scenario most of the time when im bored thinking of other stuff), I’ll reject him... cuz my friend likes him. But nao... it’s different. My friend doesn’t like him anymore but... still... I know the right way is to reject him. It hurts but... I guess no matter wut I do, he will be just a memory haha...

#hello its just me confused and all

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ralphmorgan-blog1 · 7 years

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How I Got Sent To Rehab For Being Too Gay

Flickr / rabble

I grew up as a sassy little boy in Arkansas. My parents separated when I was three or four years old and had an ongoing custody battle for me and my two older sisters until my seventh birthday. I was raised by my sisters, who had to grow up far beyond their years at such a young age. While they were raising me, my parents would use us as pawns in their game against one another. Wed be carted from one parent to the other every other weekend, despite our tears, screaming, and demands for all this to stop. It wasnt our choice; the court had ordered it.

Ive always known that I was gay. In fourth grade I told my best friend that I was in fact a bio-sexual. Yes, I said bio-sexual, and I remember explaining to him that that meant that I liked both boys and girls. He looked at me for a moment, as if planning his next move, and he promptly said that he didnt want to play with me that day. I went home, and the next day I told him that Id just been joking. Though he accepted my excuse, he became my enemy when he rode his bicycle down the street, called out my name, and then spat in my face. Rage filled me as I stomped down the pavement after his bicycle, grabbing at his backpack in anger. It was then that I realized that Arkansas was not the best place in the world for me. I had to get out.

It wasnt until I was 14 years old, after I had read Harry Potter and done copious amounts of research, that I decided that I wanted to go to boarding school. My mother was against these sorts of ideas, coming up with all manner of excuses, including telling me that I was going to die and that Id never see her again. My father, on the other hand, loved this idea, because the only way it could be properly executed was if he had custody of me, a thing he had been seeking so desperately for many years. Years later, I question his motives. Why would he want custody of his son when he was just going to send him off to boarding school? Why would he want kids if he wasn’t going to raise them? But I wanted to go to boarding school, so at the time I didnt care. For the first time, I thought I was finally free.

My freshman year of high school, I attended Stevenson School, a private, co-ed boarding school located in Pebble Beach, Calif. This was an absolute dream. I had finally found a place where I could be myself. I was gay, from Arkansas, and now living in one of the most open-minded states in the nation. By the time Christmas rolled around, I had completely come out of the closet, with minimal resistance from my peers. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had truly found a place that I could call home without the fear or anxiety that my parents caused me.

Spring break arrived, and I traveled back to Arkansas to visit my family. One day my father and stepmother sat me down in the study, a routine they often engaged in when they wanted to catch us children off-guard about a problem that they had with us. This is something that I like to call the sneak attack, where they would gaslight the situation.

My stepmother began. Back at Christmas, your sister found your journal and was shocked by something that you wrote, she told me. We know youre questioning your sexuality, but what do you have to say about that?

I looked from my father to my stepmother and knew my life was about to change. My response: Well, Im gay.

Thats when the frowns began, and I dont think Ive seen my parents genuinely smile at me since. Their questions came at me like bullets: What do you think about the Bible? Dont you want kids? Youre backing yourself into a corner; why dont you wait to decide to be gay when youre 25? I’m far past 25 now and I am most definitely gay.

That summer my father forced me to work as a maintenance man. I had the pleasure of working alongside some of the most ignorant, grotesque men. These middle-aged men would spit homophobic slurs and make sexually suggestive comments about my sisters, and when I used their restroom, I was forced to stare at pictures of naked women that they had posted on the wall. As I endured my own personal hell, I came to the conclusion that my father was somehow trying to butch me up. It was as if he thought that if I spent enough time doing manual labor, listening to crude humor, and keeping away from the arts, the gay would eventually just wash away. It didnt work. What worked was that that I learned patience, perseverance, and the value of staying true to myself. I also learned how to fix a sprinkler system. I chronicled all those days in my LiveJournal that summer. Finally it was time to go back to my boarding school.

My first week back at school, my father and stepmother came to pick me up to send me to rehab for being too gay. I was sitting in biology class when my advisor came to pull me out of class. I asked her if I was in trouble, and she assured me, Of course not. On our way to the admissions building, where her office was located, she casually asked me what Id done over the summer, how my siblings were, and how my parents had been taking my coming out of the closet. I told her that my summer had been hell, that my siblings were grea,t and that my parents werent really handling my coming out very well. As we walked into the admissions building, I could see two men sitting on the couch eyeing me suspiciously (I later found out that they were narcotics officers who had been hired to restrain me and escort me if I tried to escape), as well as my advisors husband and the dean of students. Everyone was just staring at me with the saddest look in their eyes. My advisor then walked me to the door, and I will never forget what she said to me: Im so sorry about whats about to happen. Just know that Tom and I love you. And everyone here at Stevenson does, too. Your parents are here, and theyre taking you away. She then opened the door, and sitting there were my father and stepmother.

My parents told me that theyd hired someone to go through our home computer. Theyd found my LiveJournal, and they were shocked to discover that not only was I gay but I was in fact super-gay. My stepmother looked me in the face and said, You need to butch it up. My father said that theyd also found a profile I had created for myself on a support site for young gay teens. In my biography section, I had said something to the effect of, Since there arent a lot of people in this area, I decided to include myself in the San Francisco area. For this they accused me of soliciting sex online. The wording they used, soliciting sex, made me feel like a prostitute. Additionally, theyd found transcripts of AOL instant messages in which Id discussed with a friend how I would eventually come out of the closet to my younger siblings, who were merely hypothetical at the time. (My stepmother was going through in-vitro fertilization.) Of course, they accused me of wanting to turn my hypothetical siblings gay. I do have younger brothers now, identical twinsbut I’m unaware of what they know about me. I just hope that our parents hate and closed-mindedness didn’t seep into them.

At that point my parents escorted me out of the admissions building, the two narcotics officers holding me by the arms as they led me toward a car. I didnt know why I was being escorted by the two officers; I would later find out that my parents believed that I was on drugs. My peers were watching me as I took the slowest, most humiliating walk of my life. Those two burly men placed me in the car and forced their arms against my shoulders on each side of me so that I was incapable of moving. I felt like a criminal. Then my parents put me on a private plane and sent me to Timberlawn Mental Health System in Dallas, Texas.

As I was admitted into the mental institution, I was visibly upset. Of course I looked crazy, in a Claire-Danes-in- kind of way. I was being put away against my will for being gay, not to mention in a drug and behavioral facility that focused on kids with eating disorders, drug problems, and suicidal tendencies. I didnt belong there. I was stripped of my shoelaces so that I couldnt kill myself with them. I was tested for drugs (it came out negative), given a full-body cavity search (completely clean), and started on a dose of Zoloft that rendered me incapable of feeling any type of emotion. Talk about completely losing every shred of privacy and dignity in a matter of 24 hours. I was a zombie. I was stuck. I was gay and couldnt get out of there.

The kids that I dealt with while in rehab werent the same as me. There was a girl who had tried to cut her fingers off with childs scissors in order to kill herself. There was another girl who had tried to kill herself by wrapping shoelaces around her throat; she was forced to sleep on a mattress on the lobby floor so that the nurses could keep an eye on her at all times. I was the only kid in the unit who was allowed to go to sleep at night with his or her door closed. Several times staff members asked me why I was there, telling me that they thought I seemed pretty level-headed for a teenager. I told them that I was gay and that my parents werent ready to accept it. I was a minor, though, and there was no way of controlling my own destiny when it came to getting out of there. Luckily, I was discharged on my fourth day. I called my parents, thinking that theyd be happy for me and would return me to my boarding school. I was wrong. They were too busy to pick me up, and I was forced to stay there for a full week.

The next facility I was admitted to was Meridell Achievement Center, located outside Austin, Texas. This was a longer-term stay. An alternative program would have been something like Outward Bounds Intercept program, which takes troubled youth on camping adventures in order to teach self-sufficiency and survival skills. I like to describe the differences between these types of programs in MTV terms: Meridell Achievement Center is like The Real World, with youth living in the confines of a safe, structured environment, often fighting (in group therapy in our case), whereas Outward Bounds Intercept program is more like Road Rules, with a group of individuals forced to work together on adventurous outdoor tasks.

I actually enjoyed Meridell Achievement Center, in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of way, because although I was there against my will, the staff assured me that they werent going to try to turn me straight. They asked me what sort of treatment I wanted instead. So I decided that instead of becoming a straight man, I would become more assertive. Over the month and a half that I was at Meridell Achievement Center, we would chronicle our treatment via journaling and a group session called Goals and Feelings. This is where we would sit around in a circle and discuss what our goals and feelings were for the day. This was an extremely cathartic experience. I read the dictionary for fun and worked on my vocabulary.

Eventually my parents began to call and ask me how I was doing in my treatment. They were always vague about why I was there and what I needed to do in order to get out of there. They just kept telling me, You know what you have to do. Work on your treatment. Whatever that meant. After Id been there for a month and a half, they would call and ask, So when do you think youre going to get better? My response was that there wasnt anything wrong with me. Because the facility was so expensive, they once again decided to send me to another facility, for a much longer stay.

I arrived in Sutton, Vt., to attend the King George School upon the first snowfall of the year. If there is a hell, Im convinced that its actually cold and in Vermont. KGS was somewhere between a boarding school and a rehab facility. It was kind of like a prison for shady kids. I was essentially stuck there until I was 18 years old and allowed to discharge myself. Though Im still friends with some of the kids I met there, I was surrounded by misfits. It was horrible. I had a roommate who defecated on the floor, forcing us all to evacuate the dorm for health code reasons. I had another roommate who poked my eye with his penis while I tried to sleep. There was a girl who decided to eat my puzzle pieces so that I wouldnt be able to complete it. These kids were far more troubled than I was as a hormonal gay boy. During my first four months there I didnt receive any kind of psychiatric treatment whatsoever, and then the appointed psychiatrist declared me completely stable and normal. He even told me that I never deserved to be there in the first place. But how to get out?

I remember during Christmas, my parents and my sister came to visit me. They took me off campus to stay at the Wildflower Inn just outside of town. We were having dinner one night and all having a glass of Chardonnay, which only furthers my point of the absurdity of me being in rehab in the first place. The candlelight was dancing across our red faces when my stepmom blurted out that I was an accident, meaning I wasn’t a planned pregnancy between my father and mother. When I asked my father if this were true and if I were a last ditch-effort to save his marriage with my mother, he solemnly answered, Yes.

Finally, after 279 days of rehab, I was released back into the wild. As it turned out, the person who convinced my parents to let me return to Stevenson School was the very woman who had helped my stepmother through her first divorce back in the 1990s. That must have been one hell of a mental breakdown, because that was my ticket back to the place that I loved, the place that had accepted me unconditionally, the place that had made me the strong-willed, no-holds-barred, wonderful gay man that I am today.

As for my relationship with my parents today, Ill tell you this. I called my father the other day and left him a voicemail. I had left him a voicemail every day all summer long, begging for help financially because I don’t know when I’m going to eat next or let alone be able to pay my bills or rent. He hadn’t answered or returned a single phone call. I finally called and asked him if he wanted to have a relationship with me at all. He called me back and began to list all the ways that I had manipulated him over the summer in trying to receive help. Mind you, I suffer from and seek help for major depression and PTSD from childhood and adolescent abuse caused by this man. I am also a recovered alcoholic and have a little over two years of sobriety. By no means am I trying to manipulate the situation, but he instead gaslights the situation and backs me into a corner to make me feel that I had. I let him know that I felt the same about him with this situation on the phone. He did say he wanted to have a relationship with me in the end, but based on his actions and words, he doesn’t. He has five children and he could care less about any of them. Why have kids if you aren’t going to be a father?

In terms of my recovery, I drank a lot because of my memories of my childhood and the experiences I had while in rehab. I have explored in trauma therapy one in particular that had me at the bar almost every night staring into the mirror ahead of me sipping on whiskey, replaying the events from childhood. At the age of three, in his truck, propped up against the steering wheel, the pleas to, Come on, and Quick. That’s the man who sent me to rehab for being too gay. He’s a hypocrite. He sickens me. He’s a monster. And I might as well be done with him for good.

I never got the chance to come out of the closet on my own terms, so I would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know, Looks like I relapsed, because Im still gay.