#sorry i just. think abt this whole bullshit sometimes and it makes me mad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bitethedevil · 2 months

Note

what annoys me the most about "canonically bad in bed", a list

- this is coming from hist LITERAL DILDO, like sorry he is not trying to pleasure his dildo, DO YOU PLEASE YOUR DILDO OR YOURSELF WHEN U GET OFF??? (totally understand haarlep is unhappy #freehaarlep but that is not the topic of this treatise)

- masturbation is always auto-erotic. e.g. almost all pornography directed at straight men shows men glorification of THEIR role in a sex situation, almost all erotica directed at straight women shows THEM being desired, it is always abt u and ur ego

- being "good" or "bad" in bed is a normative bullshit question I am frankly annoyed tav can even ask, because different people like different things, and this game is otherwise a lot better written about sex and gender stuff. also if you play haarlep's game, tav lies there like a starfish doing nothing at all, and haarlep likes it?? we should get rid of normative sexual evaluations of others smh

- there are people who like topping, people who like bottoming, frankly this is kinda toxic homophobic/misogynistic "haha, he was the one *getting* fucked all the time" implying a. the fuck-ee is dominated by the fuck-er and fucking is a violent act of dominance (untrue), and b. bottoms are somehow lesser than tops? so much wrong with this!!

- if I recall correctly haarlep just says raphael was bad in bed and always on bottom, and nothing about how long he lasts, and then the only way tav can use this knowledge to provoke raphael is by ASSUMING he doesn't last for very long, which is like wtf? why would u shame someone with some made-up toxic sex norms/assume they try to last when they masturbate? (even in case haarlep does say raphael cums too soon, shaming people for cumming too quick is such an incredibly mean thing, they can't control it)

- it is kinda sad (and toxic ngl) that raphael cares about haarlep so much and can't deny him anything and is so obsessed with this person who hates him and is dependent on him, giving strong toxic hetero relationship vibes. raphael, u can't have a relationship with someone who u control baby that is just not how it works lil guy, are u too scared u are not good enough for someone who will choose u of their own free will, are u scared they will leave u babygirl

to conclude we know absolutely nothing about raphael's sexual preferences, we just know haarlep is (rightfully) angry at him and being a slave, and raphael has ego issues which like come one we already knew that from day 1

I’m completely with you anon. The only thing I would like to comment on (and this is just my own interpretation) is the fact that Raphael can’t deny Haarlep anything. I don’t think that’s out of any fondness, I completely think its through Haarlep’s magic…which…just kind of makes it worse since Haarlep is there to spy on him for Mephistopheles. You saw how hard it was for Tav to deny him use of their body and mind. I’d imagine it works the same way with Raph, even though he’s a cambion. In my mind, the whole dynamic between Haarlep and Raph is fucked and Raphael is just trying to make the most out of a bad situation (I wrote a whole post on it a little while back, but it is of course just my own interpretation). Which just makes it even WORSE that Tav behaves the way they do about the whole thing. Like damn. I’d be mad as hell too.

I might write a standalone post on the weird discourse on Raphael’s sex-life at some point because it does somewhat fascinate me. Everyone is entitled to their own interpretation of any work, and that is something I hold sacred. What bothers me sometimes is the way that people talk about it. For example, the problematic way of portraying tops/bottoms and the shaming part that you also talked about in this ask.

What bothers me even more is when people feel the need to drag that interpretation into fan-spaces to reduce the character to just those aspects as a “gotcha”. I don’t know if that is just me, but if there’s characters that I don’t like, I don’t even use their tags. I’ve written a couple of hate posts on the Emperor. They might show up under the tag just because Tumblr’s algorithm is weird, but I’ve never tagged them with the character’s name, just in case there are fans who use the tag and find that annoying.

Anyway…Thank you so much for the ask! I completely agree with you.

#ask #raphael bg3 #raphael the cambion #bg3 raphael #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

47 notes · View notes

whatthefishh · 10 months

Note

Hi Mona <33

You're so cooool (and im proud of you in case you havent heard yet!!!)

Okay so exams are killing me even though they actually haven't STARTED yet its just the prep and the stress yknow!!! Anyway you also know I'm very much a slut for Rydal and the way you write him bc uhh he's just so fcuking fine and I love your writing!!

I know you aren't doing drabbles right now but would you spare this desperate and tired soul a few cutie pie Ryda hcs. Just a few smol cute ones abt his soft caring and hnghgnghgng during the high stress school seasons (yeah im projecting whatever.)

ANYWAY!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

-Clem <333

Hi cutie

Thank you 🥺 and WDYM COOL LMAOO

Exams and exam prep can be super stressful, hope you’re taking care of yourself sweetie. I can definitely spare some Rydal HCs, and I know @campingwiththecharmings @xbellaxcarolinax and @melodygatesauthor have been asking me to drop stuff for our fave nepo baby hehehe

Random Rydal HCs:

Going out for something as simple as a drive isn’t just going for a drive with Rydal. The man puts on cologne and special sunglasses that he says work better for driving but you know it’s bullshit, he just thinks he looks cooler with them on in his vintage and unnecessarily expensive car.

Is the boyfriend that puts his hand on your thigh while driving. Buys you a drinkie drink and critiques your DJ skills loudly and rudely.

A trip to the mall usually means you have to block off a whole afternoon for it. Rydal tries on more clothes than you thought was possible, requesting certain cuts from the retail workers that you don’t even recognize. He definitely tries to fuck you in the changing rooms when the staff leaves you alone, claiming he could make it worth it for you to sit through his little fashion show.

You let him.

The first time you take Rydal thrift shopping he refuses to touch anything in the store. You think he’s mad at you for how little he speaks and how he glared at you when you ask him if the top you’re holding up would look good on you.

To make up for it, he forces you to get a pedicure with him. You thought he was joking but he’s dead serious, his face growing more irritated when you tell him you’ve never had one, opting to save your money and take care of them yourself. He scoffs and essentially drags you by the wrist (why does that action alone have your knees knocking together—) to the salon and picking out your colour for you. You feel quite pretty after you can’t deny but the memory of his face dropping never fails to make you laugh.

Playing board games with Rydal meant screaming matches that ended with the board game toppled over and his lips pressed against yours angrily

Movie nights found you both ripping on the movie choice of the night, commenting almost through the whole thing and making claims of what you’d change, what he thinks would’ve been a smarter decision of the main characters, taking sides and arguing them whole heartedly as if the people in the films and their actions had a direct connection to your lives

Sometimes Rydal would come over while you were in the shower. Sometimes he’d join you, finding it hilarious that you thought he was a serial killer but soon distracting you by dropping to his knees for you.

Sleepovers found you either on opposite sides of the bed or breathing in each other’s skin, arms holding the other close, legs tangled. The nights you spent laying with him were usually the sweetest mornings. Sometimes he’d wake you up with kisses, borderline ticklish movements, not letting up even while you squealed for him to stop. He didn’t let up until he pulled peals and peals of laughter from you, sharing syrupy kisses after and causing early morning butterflies to stir as your heart swelled with affection.

These were extremely random and scatter brained and I’m sorry because I really should be sleeping but I love him so much and I miss him and I promise I’ll work on my WIP soon ❤️ love ya

#inbox 💌#Clem tag #yes this is about rydal keener #rydal keener fanfiction #rydal keener x you #rydal keener x reader #rydal keener #rydal keener fluff #mona’s 1k #stay awake with me #oxford comma fic

44 notes · View notes

flops · 1 year

Note

they should put us in charge of conceptualizing these variety shows tbh bc you know i can come up with soso many ideas and concepts for variety shows like the possibilities are endless and even if they wanna have shows with a more competitive edge like we can have that without traumatizing teenagers or literal children!!!!! its not like im 100% against all competition shows, i just haaate the way television manipulates viewers via editing or straight up tempers with the votes (and like b4 anyone thinks that, no, ik this doesnt just apply to korean tv, i mean i got the full scope of tv fakeness from the gntm exposées so its safe to say a lot of television is bullshit and rigged, making me tend more toward variety shows bc those are all sunshine and happiness and theres probably no execs perpetuating drama in those shows. not to say i trust them entirely but i trust them more) anyways sorry i put that whole rant in here my actual proposal for competitive edge could be very simple cover performance competitions, or maybe specifically nugu group competitions in one big show event instead of episodes to give them equal screentime and more or less equal chances in votings AND ALSO i really dont like how there pulling debuted idols out of their groups!! to compete in shows!! sometimes with people YEARS younger than them like ok im sorry idk why im ranting to you abt this bc you already get it but!! my point is we should be the television 👍 you aswell bc youre so right i nthe addition about make up and styling id love to see some of them try fsdgsdg

anon i think we found your true calling 🙏 i looove your ideas so much !!!! also yeah tv fakeness is real and upsetting like in my country all the reality tv shows are scripted to hell and its so miserable.... also watching this seasons boys planet just makes me so mad bc these trainees are so sweet and taleneted but i cant even enjoy the episodes bc they way mnet edits them is just so.... awful and i have seen past seasons of produce 101 and let me tell you they were manipulating the viewers there too but this time its like mnet is not even trying to be subtle about it like the amount of times they have been exposed abt alternating or grabbing out of context what one of the trainees said just to push some kind of narrative they came up with to make the show more 'dramatic' .... so ugly 😑 peaktime pissed me off too bc they told all those guys to practice this new choreo/song for a few hours amd then the mentors humiliated them for not showing a perfect performance when of course a bunch of strangers who havent practiced/performed together before arent gonna show a perfect performance yet 😭 and we wasted hours on watching this.... god....

anyways sorry for the rant but i get you and more importantly they really should put you in charge as a tv producer 🫵❤️

2 notes · View notes

ickie-vicky · 1 year

Note

i just......the post abt gender abolition, the op specifically. thats exactly what i believe. the only reason trans people have to exist is because we live in a world that DOES have gender and FORCES it on us. so when we deviate from what is forced we are othered SO MUCH that a whole ass category was made to put us into. we. are. not. the. enemy. like, I don't even identify with gender at all, but the only language that is available to communicate my experience, albeit very very vaguely, is transgender. or non binary. i use the term gender to attempt to communicate a thing that cannot be explained in words, but needs to be said. in an ideal world I wouldnt need to, it wouldnt be a factor. but because it is, and because the world has gotten it so wrong for so long, i do need to call myself transgender. but my experience and the way I feel is personal and subjective and too complicated for words. it exists outside of any ideologies or politics or world views. its just me. im working within the framework available to me.

and a trans woman fighting to be recognised for who she is is still working within the lens and language that she, and basically everyone else, was forced to use. if you seriously cannot have empathy for that then okay. not much can be done about that. itd be very sad but cant help peoples lack of theory of mind.

however, if you can, which you should, then youd see she is not so dissimilar to you. all of us are working within a framework we didnt create, and trying to make the best of it. our versions of the best may differ, but that's a common experience. we cant dismantle these systems overnight, just as we cant expect people to completely sever themselves from everything they know immediately.

so, again, whilst i agree gender is harmful, those of us who fall outside of the binary or gender entirely are not the enemies. we are the victims too.

yesss anon you get it! patriarchy (and gender) are the enemy and we are indeed on the same side here - though i don’t agree with your methods

in short: the direct question i was asked was why do i believe that trans ideology is wrong. i answered.

this is how people normally converse/argue. tumblr however has this culture of straying really far from the original point. i think it’s sometimes well intentioned in order to cover all bases, situations, make all sorts of exceptions, etc. but it’s not a positive thing… i see blatant dodging of direct questions on here all the time because tumblr is just Like That and it makes is easy for people to hide behind non-answers

not answering a direct question with a direct answer is almost always a warning sign that the person you are speaking to is talking mad bullshit

i was not asked about if i have empathy for trans people or if i think they are the enemy, so i did not really talk about this

just because i think trans ideology is wrong does not mean i hate all trans people and want them to be forcibly de-gendered or whatever the anti ‘terf’ brigade would have you believe…

i also don’t know how you came to this conclusion anyway as i absolutely do have empathy for trans people and do not see them as the enemy?? thought that was really clear from my previous responses.

1. i laid out the trans perspective of this argument. i clearly understand and empathise with the point of view of a trans person as evidenced by being able to explain it. how can i better empathise that that? i also explicitly said a couple of times that i feel sorry for trans people and how pressure for gender conformity affects them.

2. i never said trans people are the enemy. nothing else to add here i just did not say that lmao…

anyway tldr;

i disagree with trans ideology because it’s sexist

i never said that trans people are the enemy and i have no empathy for them - you came to that conclusion all on your own

i’m not going to apologise for not stating this prior to answering a direct question - it’s not my responsibility to coddle anyone’s feelings and it’s not productive when having a direct and concise argument

some genuine advice: you shouldn’t care what /i/ think about you anyway. if you’re firm in your beliefs then you have no reason to feel bad about yourself.

i think you care about what i think because you agree with me, and that’s scary for you to properly consider.

#gender critical #radical feminism

0 notes

yunsoh · 3 years

Note

'a sohma man'.... kyokeru???? kyokeru????? is this a thing wait they wld be SO funny please elaborate

kyokeru absolutely has a handful of diehards out there (i’ve only seen them on twitter but i’m sure they’re lurking somewhere here too) but i would be lying if i said that i haven’t thought about them LMAO.... okay first of all i think kyo would loathe kakeru on principle -- he’s loud, annoying, invasive, and yuki’s best friend. the only reason uo gets a pass at being loud, annoying, and invasive is that she’s tohru’s best friend. yes he thinks about the fact that he does consider uo a friend and that maybe maaaaybe it’s shitty of him to completely disregard kakeru altogether just because he’s best friends with yuki but then kakeru says something like “wow, no wonder you and yun-yun are related, you’re both so serious and moody lol” that he’s officially like, fuck this dude.

kakeru on the other hand is super fascinated by kyo just on the basis that he’s another sohma enigma™ and that he finds him hot, and is not put off by kyo not wanting to have anything to do with him like, whatsoever. he kind of sort of knows he and yuki have beef with each other, but he’s not exactly sensitive to that -- yuki isn’t thrilled or anything talking about kyo, but he’s very much like “if you want to be friends with him, fine” (it’s the principle of autonomy, but also. he doesn’t exactly say this kindly. kakeru knows this but runs with it). kakeru tries again to talk to kyo but kyo has more or less put him on the dni list and is pretty aggressive about not wanting anything to do with him. cold, brushes him off, tries (and fails lmao) to ignore him, etc. finally he just has to snap and tell kakeru straight up that he doesn’t want anything to do with him, and kakeru’s just “?? why? because of yuki?” not rlly understanding at all the depths of their baggage, and kyo -- at this point being more mindful abt his anger but still so fuckin sensitive -- more or less snaps like “don’t fuckin talk to me about him.” meanwhile i just imagine uo hana and tohru chilling in the bg watching all of this unfold, hana and uo being like “oh tasty drama” and tohru being like “um!!! 🙃”

oh my god anyways so kyo and kakeru do not start out on the right foot whatsoever BUT kakeru is nothing if persistent and even though he’s a little mad at kyo for shutting him out completely just on the basis that he’s friends with yuki, he is still really intrigued by him and has seen with his own two eyeballs that kyo isn’t always so prickly and standoffish -- he’s seen from the sidelines that he acts esp different with tohru (which by the way, i’m ignoring the whole kakeru and tohru knowing each other thing, i do not care for it so away it goes) and honestly seeing just how gentle and different kyo’s whole aura becomes maybe makes kakeru a little.... piney.... he tries not to question himself too much but he does question for just a moment WHY exactly he’s trying so hard to get to know this guy only to fall on his face over and over, and while he can chalk it up to stubbornness he does also chalk it up to finding him attractive. he tries to leave the thought cut and dry there and tbh. succeeds lmfao.

sooooo how does kakeru make things right and can he...... okay so in this universe i think it would make absolute sense that he has a rapport with uo and i think they would be really fucking funny together as friends, so he ends up getting a moment with her to just be like “what the hell is up with kyo and why does he hate me” and she tells him straight up that he’s just Like That but he’s especially like that because kakeru’s so close with yuki. kakeru brings up that tohru’s also really close with yuki, and tbh uo straight up laughs in his face like “okay but tohru’s a tranq and you’re like a bomb in the middle of the room” and she more or less tells him that kyo will come around if he wants to comes around. but for kakeru, that’s a hard “if.”

kyo meanwhile has been extremely broody about kakeru if only because he’s aggravating the part of his internal dialogue that is soooo so sensitive to the fact that he can’t justifiably blame yuki for all of the things he blames him for and that it’s something he’s been aggressively avoiding thinking about because i mean. it’s his lifeline basically. like he knows he doesn’t want to allow kakeru into his circle for the sole reason that he doesn’t trust the fact that he’s so close with yuki, and he knows that this is directly combatting the fact that tohru’s also close with yuki (+ was arguably friends with yuki first), and that who yuki chooses as friends cannot by that logic be terrible people. he also can’t reject him on the basis of being an annoying asshole because over half of his friend group is made up of annoying assholes. so he spends more energy thinking about kakeru than he wishes to admit to and this ofc only makes him crankier every time he sees him.

all things considered kakeru is able to maintain a fair amount of distance from kyo being that they’re not in the same class and don’t usually bump into one another unless kakeru is specifically seeking him out, so kakeru does take some time to consider what he should do (he feels that maybe he should apologize but he’s also finally getting the gist that kyo’s on edge whenever he comes around, and he doesn’t want to just waste an apology yk). at most he tries to give kyo a “totally inconspicuous” stare across the room when he comes along to grab yuki from class for a meeting but kyo just pointedly stares out the window instead so it’s a no-go. during this time kyo has been battling between “am i being an asshole to this dude for no reason” and “who gives a shit if i ignore him he’s annoying” and this is made prominent by the fact that his friends chucklefucks #1 and #2 have decided, suddenly, to be annoying to him specifically about why the vice president keeps looking at him funny and uo stoking the flames by saying kyo keeps rejecting him. they then go on to say how cruel and mean kyo is and that he’s breaking their vp’s heart and he’s actually about to triple frontflip out the window again before tohru pipes up like “i think he’s probably really nice actually!! :)” because of course she does she has essentially entrusted kakeru to handling yuki’s heart and soul and. i think she wants kyo to have more friends. i mean i think we all want kyo to have more friends. kyo ofc only listens to tohru but man is he mad about it. he consoled only by the fact that if he gives kakeru a chance and he still doesn’t fuckin like him he can drop him for good.

i’m getting so fucking carried away with this anyway kyo actually kind of runs into kakeru after school and. there’s a funny thing abt kakeru where when he’s completely alone he’s actually just quiet and non-abrasive and normal, and this seems obvious but kyo just realizes he never considered kakeru has any semblance of an off button. it’s awkward on kyo’s part (as usual) and kakeru is both delighted and confused as kyo makes his way through a very gritted apology for being an ass, to which after waaaay too long a contemplative pause he just says sorry in return because he knows he pissed kyo off in one way or another and that he’s kind of an idiot sometimes. which i think is a level of straightforwardness and self-awareness that kyo doesn’t expect from him LMAO so he’s taken slightly off-guard, but still it’s just. awkward. for him anyway. kakeru though is feeling a little bit of a win for himself and just says he has to bail and that he’ll catch him tomorrow, which kyo just kind of absently agrees with...... by the time he considers taking it back and going “this doesn’t mean we’re friends” or smth the moment’s long passed and kakeru’s way down the street, walking off to the station alone........ pause for quiet scene.......

so i just realized i wrote like seven paragraphs about just the leadup of them becoming anything close to friends BUT i do wanna say that i think a big breakthrough moment for them actually becoming friends is really just about kakeru being very obviously his own entity who is actually not like yuki in the slightest (yk how friends take on each others mannerisms and mind-meld and shit like that........ yeah this is something way more apparent for yuki in their relationship LMAO yuki’s influences on kakeru are much much quieter). which is another thing that should be obvious, but considering kakeru is someone who willingly and overtly befriends yuki (vs other people like haru, who has a long family history w him, and tohru, who literally lives with him and is. well, tohru.), and considering kyo never gets to know him prior to this, i want to imagine that he’s just plainly biased and had more or less disliked him by association more than anything. so getting to know him as an individual and carving out a space for just him in his brain.... yeah.

i’m a big sap for friends-to-lovers so ofc the real pining doesn’t start until they’ve actually started to become better friends, which i think is very much full of stupid bullshit instigated by kakeru begging kyo to teach him how to fight (after asking yuki a quarter million times and getting rejected every time. kyo does not know that this is because kakeru is a power rangers fanboy but absolutely wants to use this as a moment of “fuck that guy i’ll show it to you better than he could anyway” which has this unaware flirty tone to it that kakeru wants so badly to comment on but doesn’t want to lose his chance to learn how to defeat evil with his own two fists so he just. stores that away for himself 2 think about later). kyo trying to teach him would be intimate if kakeru had an ounce more talent and concentration and kyo had an ounce more patience. anyways they play wrestle instead bc kakeru is bored of the basics and it’s actually fun for the both of them until kyo pins kakeru and they have this mutual moment of. uhhhhh. bro? haha. bro?? at which point kakeru finally has to admit to himself “oh this isn’t just normal attraction this is some real shit” and kyo is in full “what the fuck was that” mode.

i have no resolution for this post i’ve decided i’m just going to leave it at that because as u can see it’s mad easy to run in circles with these two. they’ve got a good hypothetical chemistry going on and have the nice lil kick of drama a la “this is my rival’s best friend/my best friend is friends with my rival” and a good ol sexuality crisis. and what more could u ask for really

#oh my god i wrote this for so long that i started it drunk and finished it sober #anyways ty anon this was fun and i honestly love thinking about other kakeru ships...... probably bc i just love He #kakeru manabe #kyo sohma #kyokeru #headcanons #Anonymous #answered

93 notes · View notes

infinite-insignia · 4 years

Text

oh look an angry, kin-related ramble post. (very long & contains swearing)

((ok for the past few days I’ve been taking things way too personally & have been getting angered too easily. like,,,mention something vague abt war and I wanna talk abt,,,the war. and how I can’t remember all the details. so ofc I start rambling to people but then no one wants to hear it so I have no one to talk to, which annoys me sometimes cause it makes me feel like people either don’t believe me or just don’t wanna put up with my ‘bullshit’ because it’s annoying))

((but really, who would wanna listen to my shit anyway. I told my mom abt it a lil while ago and she still doesn’t get it. not completely, anyway. she keeps saying things that get on my nerves, acting like she knows how my brain is supposed to work. like, sorry that I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me to, but you can’t just tell me what I can and can’t spend my time thinking abt))

((and like? I wanna talk abt kin stuff to people irl sometimes just so I know I can blab abt it to people. but I’m also terrified of telling anyone irl cause they have no idea what’s goin on in my head. and they’ll never wanna hang out with some freakshow who believes in the bullshit I do. who claims all these ridiculous things and lets it impact their current day-to-day life. so I just gotta hide who I feel like I really am from the public offline.))

((and it sucks. I hate pretending that everything’s fine when it’s not. but if I start complaining irl, people will just think I’m a whiny bitch of a teenager who doesn’t know how to handle their emotions. people will yell at me like they always do and I’ll just feel worse. so idk what to do. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place with all this.))

((u gh. I just. I’m mad. mad at myself for being such a coward and never saying anything, just pretending I’m ok. mad at my family for not understanding--and if they don’t get it, my friends sure as hell won’t. if they even are my friends. they don’t even know the real me. just the me who barely gets by in a social setting. I try to fit in the best I can and hide all my issues, but that’s just. not me.))

((I’m not your average likable person. I’m a freak with mental disorders who has to hide their true self from the public. I’m failing the one thing I’ve made my goal in this life--to remember as much as I can abt my last life and use it to be better this time around. cause this is the last shot I get as Sig. with my soul from that life still intact. human body or not. the phantom ruby’s gone and can’t reincarnate me again. but I can’t remember all the small details I desperately wanna remember.))

((and this human shit!! school and stuff? boring & uninteresting! before I remembered my last life, before connecting with this soul and remembering myself, human shit was normal. now? now it almost feels foreign. I have a human body this time around! I only get so much time to remember everything! but juggling that along with what people expect of me ‘as a human being’ is just. it’s so much responsibility and it’s driving me up a wall! ugh I feel like I’m going crazy and I hate it! can’t I just remember shit without feeling like I’m failing in life?!))

((people keep telling me to move on. forget the past. like? ever since growing kinnected enough with this shift, this soul--I’ve basically made it my purpose to remember it all. the good and the bad. and if I can’t even do that right? if I get overwhelmed from all the shit going on outside of that? if I can’t handle all of it? then I’d have no purpose anymore!))

((and without a purpose, there’s no point in sticking around just to have everyone here make fun of me! hell, other kinnies don’t let their kin bullshit impact their lives this much! but it’s literally become my life at this point and I just can’t help it. I’m an outcast even among other kinnies! a failure who takes things way too seriously and can’t learn to focus on this dumb human body and the life I was originally brought into with said body before remembering all my Sig bullshit.))

((like wtf am I just doomed to be an awful person? I get it I made a whole bunch of mistakes back then! I wasn’t a good person & I’m still not! I’m trying to remember my past and learn from the mistakes I made, but how am I supposed to do that when my head is legit hurting from all the other bullshit currently going on? how do people expect me to be ok after all this huh?? cause I’m not! I’m emotional and cranky and mad and. I just!))

((ugh!!!!!!! what. the. fuck!!! I usually don’t get this mad over shit but I am. furious at myself, my family, and this dumb human life! I wanna remember shit! I wanna be a slightly better person for once, but when who I am isn’t even socially acceptable? then idk what I’m supposed to do anymore!! the hell is the point in trying if it’s not gonna make a difference?! I swear I am this close from punching something.))

((my gOD. I need to get off tumblr for a bit before I get any worse. this is utter bullshit and I’m giving myself a headache. probably giving you guys headaches too. sorry you had to read my bullshit rambling--if any of you actually read the whole thing. idk what I’m gonna do abt all this, but for now I just gotta. stop being so mad. I might be back online later tonight but idk. what the fuck is wrong with me like. jesus christ how fucked up in the head do I have to be to go through this shit.))

#Out of control {ooc}#News report {update}#long post//#negative//#language tw//#*slams fists on table* f ucking h e l l #I usually don't even swear that much but god I'm so pissed off.#not at anyone on here (in case anyone is reading the tags first before reading the post)#but god I need a break. what the hell.#can't even talk to my mom abt this shit so I guess I'll have to suffer in silence #as usual.#got myself all worked up while typing this #and ended up rambling more than I intended to #I need to stop typing before I decide to slam my fists on this damn keyboard

2 notes · View notes

lenalvthor · 5 years

Note

Ayyyyy, so idk of this is the right blig, but if you wanted ideas for little mini fics relating to the hsau, I'd love to see how Sara and Ava's relationship was before the whole thing with Ava's coming out. Anyway, I love the fic and I hope you have a wonderful day!

hi!! 💛apologies for leaving this in my inbox for so long, this last week has been a ROLLERCOASTER but i promise you, i did see this and get very excited abt it and send it to rachel and we were both freaked out a bit abt getting prompts for the fic

so we have many, many ideas about pre-fic avalance in this au. like Many. many to the point that we don’t have the time to write an actual mini fic about it because the fic would be the furtherest thing from mini. also, bc it would be rlly weird to have to try and go back and write them before all of this, like we go back and read ‘don’t you like you’ and everything feels so strange bc we wrote it before we had this big detailed plan for everything that was gonna happen between them and it just feels crazy that they were in this place where they weren’t even friends let alone in love

but what i am gonna do. is give you a fuckload of bullet headcanons instead. so i hope that suffices bc buckle up, there’s gonna be a few 🌈🌈

so ava and sara don’t go to the same elementary school. they’re both star city natives though so they kind of know of each other. sara did dance when she was little and was in layla’s dance class and ava was sometimes there when barbara came to pick her up etc etc.

(ava’s school was a little nicer, was the fancier star city school that barbara teaches at. damien insisted nora went there bc of it’s good reputation and gary’s mom wanted the best possible start for her son, hence how the three of them ended up there and became friends)

so by the time middle school comes around and they actually become a part of each other’s spheres, they know the other vaguely by name and the like

in middle school, ava and sara meet and they don’t quite get along but they don’t rlly know each other so it’s not an issue - sara’s this reckless trouble maker that ava wants nothing to do with bc she wants to just do well and be liked and successful and normal while sara’s off getting into fights and sneaking out of school and never doing anything by the rules, so not interacting pretty much suits them both just fine

until in 8th grade, after spencer leaves to join the army and ava’s still trying to piece herself back together and he left around the time that she decides she was going to quit basketball after this season and she was scared she might be gay and starts vehemently ignoring any and all possibilities of that fact - that’s when sara lance comes out as bi

and sara doesn’t know why ava suddenly makes a point to argue with her more than usual, or call her out in her bullshit, or just be a general pain in the ass but she is, and what sara doesn’t realise is that ava’s angry that sara came out bc it put ava in a position where we had to actually confront herself abt her sexuality

sara has a quiet suspicion of why ava’s acting like this, and it would sort of make sense that ava would be gay (or bi, but sara thinks gay) but also she doesn’t wanna assume so she leaves it and just pushes ava’s buttons just as hard

but it’s not all bad, bc the day nyssa and sara start dating, everyone at school is talking about it and ava knows her friends will be too and she’s terrified bc she doesn’t want to know if they think it’s weird, but kuasa just goes “whoa, no way” and lily whistles and says “damn, they’re probably the hottest couple at school” and gary doesn’t say anything but he’s got this look of curiosity and relief on his face and nora is looking at him carefully before she just glances over at sara and says “good for them” and ava doesn’t know if she wants to laugh or cry with relief

(and it’s still 2 and half years before she even tells nora - the first person she comes out to - but it’s a start at least)

ava and sara get better for a bit in 8th grade, but then high school happens and suddenly they’re in the same homeroom and heaps of classes together and being partnered / grouped up for projects all the time and they both just get on each other’s nerves to no end

both of them are vying to be rip’s favourite in class and it makes ava furious and sara so smug because ava wanted to be the teachers pet bc she worked hard and did a load of extra curriculars and was always polite and on time and we’ll behaved, whereas rip just liked sara because she was entertaining and good at soccer and a little too cocky for her own good

and around this time, sara is slowly becoming friends with amaya and ray and jax and nate, is being less reckless and dangerous and unbearable as she was in middle school, starting to mellow a bit

but anyway; they’re at each other’s throats all of freshman year but their rivalry ends up being kind of fun bc arguing in class when it’s actually about school isn’t as frustrating for all the teachers and sara notices that ava actually makes her think, makes her feel smart, bc she can actually kind of keep up with the smartest girl in their entire grade, and ava meanwhile realises that sara is actually pretty smart, she’s actually kind of a genius and if she actually tried, she could probably give ava a run for her money and that both infuriates and pleasantly surprises ava

but then early sophomore year, nyssa leaves. sara’s not at school for a few days and by the time she comes back, everyone Knows because it’s high school and nothing can stay secret for long, and everyone’s trying not to gossip bc sara’s slowly become quite popular around school but they can’t help it, they all wanna know what’s going on

and ava detests sara but she’s always admired her for coming out, for being so proud abt it and dating nyssa when there was like a grand total of 3 other lgbt people at school all of whom fit every single stereotype that ava wanted nothing to do with (and she’ll never admit it, but she had always felt kind of safe and comforted knowing nyssa and sara were dating bc it made her feel like she would be ok one day), so she can’t even imagine how sara feels especially if the rumours about why nyssa left are true

sara’s heartbroken and angry and confused and she keeps pushing ava with jabs and mocking retorts and remarks that are lot harsher and more biting than usual but ava just smothers the urge to respond and rolls her eyes pointedly and ignores her bc she knows sara’s just lashing out

and at one point in gym, sara just drops her back and turns to face ava and demands “what the fuck is your problem sharpe?” and ava crosses her arms and goes “pretty sure you’re the once with the problem here, lance.” to that, sara glares and spits out “i’m not the one walking around with this fucking holier than thou attitude as if you’re better than me. can you at least argue back instead of rolling over like a doormat?” and ava literally wants to throw a dodgeball at her but she just holds her ground, doesn’t say anything, keeps sara’s gaze before biting her lip and looking away for the briefest of seconds. sara makes this smug huff of triumph, as though ava’s abt to fight back but ava just looks back at sara with an expression that’s too gentle, and says “i’m sorry about nyssa, sara.” and goes to join her dodgeball team

(amaya comes over to ask sara what it was about and sara can’t bring herself to answer, just shakes her head because she doesn’t quite know what just happened)

things get better quickly, like. sara would never say it at the time but zari is this refreshing burst of fresh air who didn’t know nyssa the way all her other friends did and it’s so nice to have her around, even tho she’s still quite new. and then wally comes to star city and everything is fun and exciting w the legends and things aren’t perfect, definitely not bc oliver and laurel break up and sara and laurel have been fighting just usually like sisters do and dinahs been calling, on saras ass abt her slipping grades at school and sara just wants to piss them both off so she hooks up w oliver (and they’ve known each other for so long that they both feel guilty abt it and they try to make it a Thing bc they don’t want to admit that they both just used each other for different reasons)

it it’s sometime after that, after she and oliver collapsed under the very weak foundation their relationship was already built on, after laurel starts dating tommy, after amaya promises sara she’s not a bad person for what happened with oliver, it’s sometime then that ava makes that challenging retort abt sara even trying to get a better grade than her in french

and all sara can think of is laurel, the way laurel hadn’t been mad when she hooked up with oliver, the way laurel had just snuck into her room late at night and slipped under the covers and hugged sara close as sara broke down abt why their mom just didnt care abt all the good things sara was doing, the way laurel had softly murmured “you’re brilliant sara. you are, you’re so smart and so capable and if mom can’t see that, then she doesn’t deserve to.”

so sara does try. and she gets an a+. and the beam on laurel’s face when she sees it on sara’s desk, the pride on quentin’s when sara tells him - sara never looks back (and she also starts to look a bit more at ava, because maybe she’s not all horrible)

gary comes out at the very end of sophomore year, sara goes over to give him a hug and she sees the expression on ava’s face - proud and protective and kind but also sort of hurt and definitely, definitely jealous, and sara suddenly remembers the way ava had acted towards her after sara had first come out and she remembers her vague, kind of unfounded assumption that maybe ava was gay, realises that ava’s never had a boyfriend, never said yes to any of the numerous attractive guys who have asked her out

but also, sara’s known ava for like, 4 years by now and she knows what kind of family ava has and she feels this sudden ache in her chest bc ava must be in the most difficult position - sara doesn’t even know if ava is aware of it, so she doesn’t wanna say anything or offer support (also bc ava still grinds her gears to no end)

but she just keeps an eye out, checks ava’s facebook / instagram every once in a while to see if she’s posted anything abt it or added smth like a pride flag to her bio

and then on a sunday evening in october junior year, ava comes out on facebook. sara doesn’t see it first, in fact, she’s lying on the living room couch trying to not fall asleep reading her social studies text book when from the armchair, laurel lets out a quiet “huh” and both quentin and sara say “what?” at the same time and laurel goes “ava sharpe’s in your grade, right sara?” and sara nods and quentin’s like “is that the girl you did that chem assignment with earlier in the year?” and sara wrinkles her nose and goes “unfortunately. she’s a pain in my ass.” and laurel just hums and says “well, she just came out.”

sara almost falls off the couch, scrambling into a sitting position and snatching laurel’s phone and ignoring laurel’s protesting “hey!”

she reads the post through several times before she goes to comment and realises she’s on laurel’s phone, grabbing her own but then she hesitates, wanting to write something genuine but it feels too vulnerable so instead goes “ffs sharpe, on top of everything else, i now have to compete with you for hot girls too?”, but she opens messenger and goes “hey, just wanted to say congrats on coming out. i know it’s nowhere near easy to tell your family so like, hope that went okay. and i’m here if you wanna talk abt it at all.”

and the day after, as they’re clearing up microscopes and stuff in bio, ava quietly thanks her for her message and sara shrugs, goes “i get it.” and ava pauses before quietly admitting “you know i always admired you for being out. especially when we were so young back in middle school. i’d only just started thinking about it then and … i was a mess. seeing you being out and happy and just - the same person you’d always been … that helped more than you know.”

and it’s probably the most meaningful conversation they’ve ever had (or at least had in a Long time)

and 4 days later, ava shows up on sara’s doorstep after a fight with her mom at dinner and this entire fic began.

also, for your own reading pleasure, some other random moments we thought of;

sara only ever called ava ‘sharpe’ or ‘sharpie’ or any other variation of her name until they were both 15/16

ava used to roll her eyes every time sara got a a bad grade because she could be so much better if she tried, but she doesnt

sara nearly started a fight the first time she and ava had to work together on a project, and once they started it and it became clear they worked well together she was the Most Annoyed™️

back in middle school ava always scoffed and made some patronising comment every time she watched someone break up a fight sara had gotten into (except for the one time in the first few weeks of class when she had to stop sara throwing her second, or maybe third punch at a homophobic jerk in their class who’d cornered her on the way back from school - that time she shoved him away and watched him go before turning and cautiously asking if sara was okay, and sara glared at her and told her she’d had everything under control before storming off in the opposite direction)

there are probably many many headcanons for this part of the universe that we will think of but i hope this suffices for now, feel free to come yell about anything legends / fic related bc this was so much fun 💖💞

#lot #legends of tomorrow #avalance #you make me smile #anonymous #cileme writes #lot hs au

60 notes · View notes

unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

Text

yall ive had some shit this shift...i got lectured and vaguely threatened for having to pee a lot which was coz i drink stuff thruout the day like coffee and tea which is Pee City and since ive been on deliveries steadily all day ill be gone on that for ages and have to pee when i get back as well as the other shit i do. like i was literally this afternoon joking w coworkers who are actually cool to me abt how i can be at work for hours before people who have been in the store the whole tkme will realize im even there coz im a) out on deliveries most of the time, like for real if its a busy lunch period i can be at work for 2-3 hrs and actually be in the store 10-20 min and b) when im here im moving around actually doing shit and people have always been saying how its hard to get ahold of me coz im always going around doing shit and thats another reason people dont realize im here and c) people just dont notice me so like today my freakin bad i had to pee a lot coz my only comforting routine in this place besides constant disassociation is working my way thru a drink and i happen to like both coffee and tea even tho it does make me pee and sometimes i get the coffee dumps, truth. so today since ive been in and out on deliveries the whole time and i havent been talking to anyone since none of the people who notice me were much here and since ive been moving around the store since im actually doing shit, i get yelled at for using the bathroom too much.... like i get the issue of people who give themselves Bathroom Breaks which realistically we all do but sometimes people do it too long or whatever and like yeah while im taking a shit i will check my twitter or make a shitpost or something, like we all use our phones throughout the day including the managers and im not gonna feel bad for doing that but i am not thrilled w being accused of using the bathroom needlessly when im using it coz i need to use it....and like not like i can prove im peeing every time coz i'd be glad to give you a urine sample every time but they prob dont want that.... anyways whats real good is how i was just talking the other day about how this one delivery driver who's been here forever and was just given like acknowledgement for being a good employee, i was talking w someone about how like he doesn't actually do shit, and i was like i try desperately to ignore him but now that you mention it i never see him doing anything really? and like if you ask him to do some basic shit we're Supposed to do he wont or he'll ask someone else to do it. and today he was here and when we were slow and i was like washing tables and taking dishes and making coffee I actually paid attention to him and he definitely would just like stand by the computer even tho we had no new orders and then walk to a different spot and then go back to the computer and then walk energetically somewhere else and i think a couple times i saw him carry a few dishes to the sinks. and he's fine and im doing shit and getting lectured for causing issue for not doing my work like granted this was from the same manager who once made me mad for getting on me for Slacking Off coz i was leaning on the bread slicer, which i was leaning on coz i was trying to read the order info on the computer next to it, and was also happy about because i was doing a lot of work that day more than even usual. and another driver complained about her doing that exact same thing aka complaining about Leaning when the driver had been working hard and i was like yep ive had that happen too like now i essentially cant use the bathroom because the fact that i keep myself busy means that most people, who have a tendency to not notice my presence even if i AM standing right there, legit dont know im there and nobody sees me doing any work coz they dont see me coz im doing god damn work........ im annoyed coz like i can think of maybe seven other employees who distinctly notice me and are cool with me and im cool with them, and most other employees are fine and decent to me and stuff but theres a couple people who are shitty including this one guy who just now was talking with this dude who i thought was a decent guy? and they were kind of making fun of me and i went up to the decent guy like hey i was actually right over there and totally heard you guys, coz i was not in the mood, and he just brushed me off and i was like fantastic. plus for some reason the manager who fussed at me decided to do it all formally right before i had to go on a delivery, and so i didnt get enough time to say everything on my mind about my Problems with the fact that this was occurring which i was absolutely going to do in full on account of i think its bullshit and im no longer in the mood in my general life to act like i think that kind of bs is warranted, but before i could talk about it long enough i felt like id said everything i wanted to, she was like ok u gotta go on the delivery and im like you still havent given me that $60 you forgot to cash me out and you're allowed to say what you want and i cant respond? i get that mgmt is bullshit and i had just been talkingn about how mgmt is bs a couple days ago but i just dont care for me personally i am going to answer back. and because of being abused all my life a lot of times i have an automatic response to these kind of situations where i try to speak back and the stress just naturally makes me cry and then i gotta be like sorry im crying its a physiological reflex i earned for being alive. and now that you rushed me out to make a delivery i have to be trying not to cry at work, and extend my cryish period by having to try holding it back, and also extend it on account of im still got damnt pissed about it like god knows im not one to praise myself beyond reason but im a good worker here and ironically that means people might not ever notice it and I've definitely never heard a good word from management about anything i do since i dont even know when and instead i get in trouble coz one day i have to pee, coz other days i also have to pee coz i have established one comforting habit to get through customer service bs where i get weird treatment from other coworkers at least once a day usually and sometimes dont even have a work friend around and so my fucking bad i have coffee i guess like apparently my fuckin problem is that im both quiet almost all the time and keep to myself but also sometimes joke with people or say something to them at all just to be nice coz other coworkers are quiet and dont get shit from people or are always in a less than warm mood and dont get shit about it. i close tomorrow aka there for 10-11 hrs but at least a coworker im work friends with and who has a similar demeanor is around for most of it or i swear to christ. hopefully i ever deliver to someplace with a fucking bathroom coz i guess i cant god damn use ours anymore without being monitored coz im not a good enough worker natcho like i just dont know how im supposed to have my bladder on trial and if managers are only noticing that i pee more than them and not that i do work all day and extend myself to help out when things get dicey, well then like if nobody sees it i sure dont have proof i did it other that remember that time we had a massive dinner rush and i stayed an hr past my shift and was not only the sole person taking food to the tables but also taking dishes back and washing tables and restocking junk in the dining room, no you don't remember because nobody was working beside me and so as far as everyone else knows i did nothing and so anyways too theres nothing for someone with anxiety who worries about being monitored and judged like telling me ive been monitored and judged and now i cant pee anymore, that'll teach me to give myself one nice thing thru-out the day. i also dont have anything to rely on to comfort me after something shitty at work and tragically work is most of my socialization and most of the only thing i "do" and i feel like im being treated kind of crap for the fact that i do put in effort every day to be helpful around there. like thanks that i have to bite the inside of my mouth now coz im trying not to stress / angry cry coz i have nowhere to put it. like i dont care if this manager thinks this shit is part of the job like i deal with enough shit in life right now to Not be angry about this. like boy you guys are really making it hard to think about having to leave this store when i haul off to a different area in just a bit and i honestly dont know about the fact that some people especially this one guy who is just a dick to like everybody keep saying shit comments about me coz they cant see me and im like fuck off. like im honestly sick of it and im sitting on the fact that this dude also has said racist crap ive been an audio witness too and said something racist about a coworker to her face and she told me about it like. management is part of what i'm mad at right now but if im getting narced on for the fact coffee and tea go right thru me then i think i have a complaint here whenever the next time he says some shit is like when i'm here i honestly keep to myself and try to be doing work whenever we need work done and apparently thats why im now getting shit and sorry this post exists and is so long but im real peeved and the only way to put a long rant from me about shit anywhere is to put it here

#long post //

2 notes · View notes

lundiivith · 4 years

Text

unfortunately i will talk now about pelinal whitestrake

hello its juliens hour of posting things to tumblr that i talked about on discord/twitter first and then queued up to post on here. heres some Thoughts on pelinal whitestrake

specifically on his madnesses

if this shows up in the tag im gonna cry i tried very hard for it to not show up in the tag.

i’m gonna put a read more here before i embarrass myself. this is kinda Babys First Lore but im ngl for the first like... nearly 2yrs of being a tes fan (ive been here since 2018 babyyy) i barely touched uesp

but okay

‘cause, alright, the night i wrote this i was fuckin... reading the song of pelinal whole properly, which my eyes could actually parse thanks to the mercury reader extension which rips jsyk, and makes reading uesp’s tiny print and ugly fucking theme way easier, god bless

anyways i was reading volume three, and

so pelinal was a relatively normal sort of... immortal butchering near explicitly nonhuman ada, until he found love in Huna, whom he freed from the ayleids and then made him a hoplite. right.

and then he LOST huna. and THATS when he started going on Madnesses

and then it establishes his madnesses destroy the landscape, just fucking like, erase bits of the continent (”He wrought destruction from Narlemae all the way to Celediil, and erased those ands from the maps[...]”)

(SORRY IF HOW I QUOTE STUFF FEELS CONDESCENDING i probably have add and this would help me process text if i was readin it. i have 1 braincell and make content for others with 1 braincell)

and then in volume six,

and like, the Madness was initially born out of pelinals grief from huna's death and it permanently changed him, right, like he was violent before but now he was Big Mad

and pelinal is an ada, descended of the et’ada, and ive already seen redditors speculate on whether he knew abt the godhead or not but whatever who cares about what redditors think

and fuck me, i’m not an expert by any means on like, the whole fuckin... chim, godhead or whatever business, is it bullshit, is it not bullshit, whatever, i dont really care about mickey kinkster beyond what he can give to me, a transgendy and nonbinarius, what he can put in my mouth like a baby cuckoo,

but mother fucker

“Like when the dream no longer needs its dreamer” feels a LOT like describing some kind of, like, end of the world scenario

also note, “Pelinal could only answer”. not “Pelinal answered”, but “Pelinal could only answer”.

WHAT THIS SOUNDS TO ME A LOT LIKE, BASICALLY, IS THAT PELINAL IS LIKE... STRAIGHT UP COMPARING LOSING THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE TO SOME FUCKING ABSOLUTELY APOCALYPTICAL SCENARIO

AND THERE’S MORE

‘cause, like, in volume 5, they talk abt his relationship with Morihaus

and they like, establish Pelinal calls Morihaus a nephew and their relationship is very sort of, older family member and younger family member, uncle and nephew, yeah. and they’re both ada

and then i’m posting this screenshot mostly as like, evidence Pelinal said the stuff im gonna talk abt in a sec below AFTER he started going on Madnesses, ie AFTER huna’s death

and pelinal tells morihaus this

and right let me fucking unpack

(if you’re not caught up, perrif is another name for alessia, i wasnt caught up either until very recently, ik Deep lore is unaccessible as shit, dont worry)

this is already sad enough, considering this is AFTER pelinal loses huna, but look at his following words

(sorry for my sihtty highlighting)

"We are ada, [...] and change things through love. We must take care lest we beget more monsters on this earth. If you do not desist [...] you will transform all Cyrod[...]"

which given context, turns into

"We are immortal and inhuman, and as our love changes us, we change reality. We need to be careful unless we want to cause horrible things. If you don't desist on loving Alessia, you will transform all Cyrod.”

AND THE THING IS, BASED ON WHATS ESTABLISHED IN THE PREVIOUS VOLUME, HES TALKING FROM EXPERIENCE, CAUSE HE DELETED TWO ENTIRE PLACES FROM THE MAP, MAYBE MORE, BECAUSE OF HIS GRIEF AND LOVE FOR HUNA

so hes LITERALLY TELLING MORIHAUS, “Don’t fall in love with mortals. They will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting them like blood in your mouth. They will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when they leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.“

ough idk i just have emotions about pelinal whitestrake sometimes. despite the murder and all

here’s a pelinal opera meme

1 note · View note

0n3-h4lv3 · 6 years

Text

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.

0 notes