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pendragonfics · 5 years

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You Seemed So Happy

Paring: James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes/Reader

Tags: gender-neutral reader, no pronouns in fic, alternate timeline, canon divergence - after Captain America: Civil War, Avengers Tower, domestic Avengers, Bucky Barnes recovering, Bucky Barnes feels, rain, first kiss, fluff

Summary: A longtime lover of inclement weather, Reader is often seen mucking around in their rain shoes outside. It just so happens that the newcomer to the Avengers Tower, a recovering Bucky Barnes has taken note in them, and their somewhat peculiar habits.

Title comes from this song (recommended listening while reading)

Word Count: 2,411

Current Date: 2019-11-20

Requested By: @karasong

Without a doubt, the best part of any day was checking the weather app. It wasn’t always fruitful in its outcomes, and whenever Thor made his way to the Avengers Tower, you’d be sure to make him change the weather for you. It had gotten to the point where if there was rain forecasted for the week ahead, you’d set your rain jacket and galoshes out in preparation. You’d cancel all plans for days when the rain would roll in.

Luckily, your day job was being a superhero.

By the time that the newest Avenger came to live in the old Stark Tower in New York, everyone else had lost the thrill of teasing you over your adoration over precipitation. And if you were being completely honest, you were glad that they weren’t rubbing it in all the time. You didn’t tease Tony Stark about his love of Judge Judy, or Sam Wilson about his liking of bath bombs. But as soon as your new neighbour to the twelfth floor came in, he was the newest attraction.

James Buchannan ‘Bucky’ Barnes.

With a name like that, he could be many things. You grew up on the other side of the world, it would seem - because before joining the team, you had a) no clue as to who Captain America was, and b) had never heard of the Winter Soldier. Which, you assumed after some context, was James. Wait no, he preferred Bucky. You were still getting used to his many names, among other things.

While you were a morning person of sorts, the only time you ever crossed paths with your new teammate was at the elevator one evening. Not that you were one to objectify openly, but the man - he was sure fresh out some trauma that you were still wrapping your head around, but oh my, was he a looker.

But today, there wasn’t a sign of him at all upstairs. After a movie night with the remaining Avengers, you fell asleep midway through Mama Mia! and woke up on the couch. When whoever’s left are given a budget and told to stay out of trouble when the other half of the team are in Portugal for the latest hero-ing your skillset wasn’t needed for, movie nights become the thing when someone joins you. So far, only Clint joined you when he was able, but that was just because he liked that you only watched movies with closed captions.

It was going to be a normal day.

But then, after stretching, you checked the weather app. And lo and behold, there was the best news of the day: a change in the prediction. Light to moderate rain in the morning, followed by heavy rain in the evening, it said, summarised with the humidity and the other details you didn’t quite care for. At once, you felt your pulse quicken, and you threw yourself from the cramped corner of the couch to the elevator.

Mashing the buttons, you paced the space as the box descended, and as soon as you free from it, you ran to your room and donned the right clothes to explore in the rain. You pulled your hair from your face and brushed haphazardly at your teeth. Washed your face and tossed the clothes you slept in into the hamper. Pulled on the galoshes and your favourite tee shirt and the rain jacket too. You were so happy, you felt your abilities sparkle beneath the palms of your hands, your feet growing light as your happiness translate into partial hovering. Bounding like a kangaroo on the moon, dressed, you rush back to the elevator.

Bucky stood there, also waiting.

He wore black jeans, and boots, and a grey hoodie. They looked like new clothes. Like, they were so new that they hadn’t been washed yet after coming home from the store. As you joined his side, you met Bucky’s eyes. He’d cleaned the dirt that was spread across his face since you last saw him. Not that you had anything against people who wore eyeliner! You’d give him a pointer or two if he wanted to wear it again, that was for sure. And his hair was pulled back into a haphazard ponytail.

“Hi,” you say, beaming.

He blinks. “Hi,” Bucky echoes.

As soon as the elevator comes, you both enter it. As you reach for the button for the roof, your hand brushes alongside his. You’re not sure why, but you feel a little zap! of electricity as you do. Maybe it’s the energy your body is creating from the excitement, or just static from the rain, but Bucky looks at you funny, and presses for the roof.

“I’m headed there too,” you make conversation, poking your hands in your rain jacket pockets. “For some very important business.”

He raises an eyebrow, silent. As the elevator ticks upward, you sway, rocking back and forth on your feet as you wait patiently for the destination. Ever since the roof was refurbished from being Tony Stark’s personal living room to the loft living space - usually used for fancy soirées or stuff like that - you fought to have a little greenhouse outside too, and access to the tip-top of the building. Because of your abilities, and a promise that you weren’t going to go crazy and cultivate fifty types of roses, it was allowed.

As soon as the elevator opened, you waited patiently for Bucky to alight before rushing out. You barely paid him any attention as you made your way to the balcony, and once the doors let you out, you felt your abilities pricking underfoot. At once, you soared up to the top of the Avengers Tower, your rain jacket and boots almost a comical hero-costume as you flew through the rain.

It wasn’t as heavy as you thought it would be, the droplets splashing over your face and head lightly. In your glee, you shot your hands out before you, and without thinking, propelled two bolts of energy from your palms into the sky.

Thankfully, there weren’t any planes in the sky today.

Looping around, you were surely a spectacle to be seen above the Avengers Tower. While the people of New York and beyond America’s borders knew of your existence on the team, you were still a new face that wasn’t as popular an action figure as say, the Black Widow doll. Before returning to the top floor of the tower, you spread your arms wide, as if to embrace the sky, and propelled yourself backwards.

You landed on the top floor, laying softly on the concreted ground. The rain continued to fall around, the droplets gathering on your face to make it run as if they were tears and you were from a Ghibli movie.

“Best day ever,” you grinned to yourself.

---

The next time there’s rain, you’re out in the street, running errands. It’s almost a month later, and the dry spell has gotten to you. Except, unlike any other time when you’d be very thrilled for the rain, you’re carrying groceries back to the Avengers Tower with Steve and Bucky, and don’t want the shopping to get wet. Steve barrels ahead of the both of you, sparing sorry!’s and excuse me!’s to those who he knocks into. You try the same, but it’s no use.

You’re not Captain America.

Bucky loops his gloved hand through the bags you’re carrying and whisks them from your grasp. People move out the way for him and his imposing stature, and you follow him swiftly through the path he carves in the crowds of the New York footpath back to the tower. Once inside, he calls the elevator with his spare elbow and turns to you.

His face is sodden, hair dripping into his eyes like a baptised puppy dog, his clothes soaked through. You’re no better, glad that you wore a jacket over your white shirt so that it isn’t see-through to others’ eyes.

“I thought you liked the rain.” He says as the doors open.

You blink, following him inside. You’ve never heard him say this many syllables except to Steve. You try to hide the shock of it with a shiver, and reply, “I do like the rain. It was just-,” you shiver once more, the movement of the elevator providing the interior with an uncustomary breeze, “-a little unexpected.”

Once the elevator reaches the common area, you both approach the communal kitchen. Steve’s already unpacked his bags and has started to put odds and ends away. As he’s turned to the pantry, he calls over his shoulder, “I’ve got it this time. Thanks for carrying the bags, ________, Buck -,” he beams, and turning, adds, “Why don’t you go get dry?”

You thank him but ask, “You’re wet too, Cap. How about we tag team?”

Steve shrugs. “Thanks, but I don’t feel the cold.” Bucky goes to interject, and the leader of the Avengers adds, “Seriously, I’m good. It’s been a while since you’ve both had a day off. Enjoy the time off.”

Bucky joins you in the elevator, and you return to the level you sleep on. Parting ways upon exit, you only meet up with him again not ten minutes later, when you’re drier. This time, you’ve donned your favourite socks (the ones with avocado’s with faces) and a tee-shirt that Thor gave you (it’s the demi-god’s size, with a print of Thor as Nyan Cat on the front) and of course, your raincoat and boots. Bucky’s in a different all-black set of clothes, and he calls the elevator as you join him at it. Waiting.

“Are you going to the roof?” he asks.

“Yeah,” you nod. A second passes, and you wonder, “are you?”

Bucky nods. There’s a look on his face as you both ride to the roof that you just can’t put your finger on. You don’t have any time to really question what that look is because he turns to you and starts to speak.

“I used to be happy like you are about the rain,” he says. There’s a sigh, barely audible, but you catch it. “I used to be happy…about a lot of things.”

You swallow offhand. Slowly, you gather your words before offering a reply. “I don’t know much about what you went through, before coming to us…but if you like, I can help you.” Bucky looks at you quizzically, and the elevator reveals the top floor of the tower. Stepping out, you correct yourself, “I mean, I can help you with your thing about the rain. Or other stuff. I’m not the most qualified, but I’ll give it a shot if you want.”

He exhales, but it’s then you realise that it’s an attempt at a laugh. You smile at that and move toward the balcony.

“What makes you like the rain?” Bucky asks.

He’s trailing behind. You can see him in the reflection of the glass windows, and as he gazes out, you can see a look there that you recognise. Hesitation.

“I didn’t always like it,” you say. “When I was a kid, the rain freaked me out. It felt weird, like, too much to handle on my skin. But then one day I woke up one day and realised I could shoot energy from my hands, and fly, and I was eight, nine years old?” you scrunch your nose, trying to remember. “Now that is scary. Rain turned into a piece of cake after that, and when I got used to being basically a kid hero, nothing much could really freak me out.”

You look to Bucky. “You don’t have to tell me what’s going on with you, but…” you unlatch the door to the balcony and start to step out. The rain patters down upon your face as you go, but you wait for Bucky to follow. “May I have this dance?”

“Dance?” he echoes.

You grin. “Well, if I’m goof off on the roof with you, buddy, we’re dancing. You know, the kind like-nobody-is-looking?”

Bucky glances behind him and sees you’re alone together. “But you’ll be looking too.”

You close your eyes and hold your hands up as if in surrender, “At a risk to my safety, I will not be looking. Besides! I’m a crappy dancer myself.”

You hear Bucky’s footsteps follow you out, feeling him ghost past you with a slight breeze that follows. Quietly, you turn to where you feel he is, and say, loud enough for J.A.R.V.I.S. to hear, “Play The Horses, Daryl Braithwaite, please.”

You thank Tony Starks’ surround-sound system as you start to sway in your space. As the beat kicks in, you start to move faster, feeling more and more confident. You stomp your feet in the wells of puddles growing underfoot, shaking your arms and chest in a half-hearted shimmy, busting out the tried and true bedroom-only moves. The climax of the song comes, and you feel yourself collide with Bucky -

Your eyes shoot open, shocked, but as you see his face, he’s far from upset. His eyes are wide, yes, but at the corners of his lips, there’s the faintest tug, and your heart jumps, pulse fast. You bite your lip, unsure what to do next, but he takes charge. He places his hands on your shoulders, and almost like you’re slow dancing, Bucky leads you into a swaying movement.

There’s a clap of thunder somewhere off, and in the flash of lightning that follows, you feel his hands tense up. Your move your palms to rest on his, and almost so slow that you didn’t realise it was happening until it was, he closes the distance between you. Just as the last part of the song comes, his lips rest upon yours, parting them, pressing in such a delicate way that your already racing heartbeat skips a beat.

“Oh,” you say, the kiss taking all your wits from you.

No words come when your wits return, nor does Bucky supply them. He threads his fingers in yours and looks out across the city, the rain still cascading over the both of you. However, some words come, and they do so as he turns to you, his eyes bright and full of something that you recognise. “I think I - I think love the rain.”

You squeeze his hand lightly, just as the song ends. “I love the rain too.”

#Bucky Barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes/reader #winter soldier x reader #avengers x reader #marvel fanfic #marvel x reader #pendragonfics #chaotic--lovely #gender neutral reader

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jungnoir · 7 years

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college boyfriend!joshua

a/n: special thanks to @choco-seventeen for giving me the idea of barista!josh which ended up being the best idea ever,,, get rdy to die yall

here it is, our long awaited gentleman of seventeen!! requested by this darling~

i’ve never written anything for josh (which is appalling) and seeing as he’s now,,, like a bias,, i mean i kinda have to don’t i

i’m going to pretend that a straight week of searching for joshua scenarios did not help encourage this

so, lovely josh has always had a love for animation

ever since he was a baby, he’s always found a joy in watching cartoons, so his parents always put on some colorful children’s movie for him whenever he got fussy, or when he’d wake in the middle of the night from a terrifying dream and he’d need some calming down

this kind of comfort of seeing characters of all colors, shapes and sizes gave joshua an abundant imagination as a child. he always found he liked the fantastical feeling of animation that live action didn’t really provide him

anything could happen in animation, and anyone could be anything and look anyway that they liked, which was part of the appeal for him

as he got older, he was exposed to anime (lol) and he found that he enjoyed the more mature animation just as much as the kind marketed for children

and he didn’t discriminate either! he could watch anything from tokyo ghoul and death note to your lie in april and haikyuu!!

but his favorite kind of animation lied in the love of studio ghibli films

something about the wonder of each film enthralled joshua so much as a teen, bringing him the nostalgia of his childhood that he loved so much

to all of his friends in high school, they had always expected joshua to get a stable, lackluster office job and stay in california with his family, which, originally, was the plan

but the films had inspired him to take a leap, so after applying to a few universities in seoul and getting accepted to the good majority, josh finished up two years of college in california before packing up everything he had and all the money he’d saved from odd jobs through his high school/college career and booked a flight straight to seoul, south korea

he obviously wasn’t flying completely blind, as he did have a friend living there already by the name of vernon

long story short on how the two met, bonding over xbox live can lead to long-lasting friendships ok

after a few years of friendship, countless nights of Skype calls and planning to meet one day, joshua had taken the first step and vernon’s family were more than happy to let joshua stay with them until he could get onto his own two feet (not that there’s any rush!! vernon totally doesn’t mind having an older brother around)

joshua was no stranger to korea either, having been taught korean since a young age by his parents, so he was pretty much set to start his new life in korea, even if his parents were pretty sad to see him go so far and so soon

they knew joshua had been a good kid his whole life, and he was making sure every connection and plan he had for his new life was laid out just right so he wouldn’t make things hard on himself and his family, and that was all they could really ask of him

for the summer before school started in korea, vernon takes to making sure joshua is settled in and at least semi-good at making his way around seoul without a problem

there was that one time,,, where he did get lost for like five hours and showed up back at the chwe house with an assortment of baked goods and sweets and exclaiming that “this stuff is so much better than the stuff in california!!”

vernon: you realize that we all thought you were dead right

josh: *blink blink* hm? :)))

but i mean before vernon knows it, joshua is freakishly adapted to life there and he’s suddenly like a local, making friends with literally everyone he meets because everyone is so fascinated by the american boy!! yet it’s funny cause the way josh saw it, vernon was v similar to him in a lot of ways, so he was a lil overwhelmed to find all of vernon’s friends were like !!! a foreigner !!! tell us everything

and sure, vernon hadn’t been to america since he was about five except to visit family, but they were all sooooo excited to hear about things from joshua’s perspective compared to the younger boy’s

so josh obliged, always talking about his experiences overseas and the other kids would be like :o or :D because!!! to josh that was all just boring everyday stuff to him but to them this was all so cool and interesting, and the way they felt about america was the same way josh felt about korea tbh

after a year in college in seoul, joshua was well settled down at the school

since he’s like,,, one of the best english speakers in school (save for a handful of other students who were bilingual their whole lives, foreigners, or just really good at the subject asjdijisa) he’s always willing to help his friends out with english class projects and he coaches them by speaking to them in english at random intervals

like they’ll be having a completely korean conversation and then all of a sudden josh is like “explain the plot to howl’s moving castle in english” and they’re like o shit here we go

but it’s really helpful??? they all get amazing grades bc of his pop quizes

all hail english professor hong jisoo

but, ok, everyone is so confused because that’s….. not what he goes to college for

like he’s verbalized that he loves learning and that being an english teacher in korea would be great for him bc he loves to show people the joy of learning! but animation was his first love

he’s v passionate about it, and he’s made several short films where the characters were stylized after his friends and their experiences (with their permission of course)

he actually did one on jun’s story of coming to korea for the first time as a chinese transfer student and entered it in a small film contest and won!! and jun was so happy that he cried ok

joshua was on skype with jun to jun’s family back in china and they were all gushing about the film after josh emailed it to them

basically if joshua ever needs to flee to another country, jun’s home is open jun’s mom said joshua has privilege of jun’s room before jun does

despite being really good at animating though, joshua is actually kinda shy about showing his work. he’s even shy showing it to his friends with the exception of vernon and jeonghan, the latter of which passive-aggressively convinced joshua to do it and is now joshua’s biggest hype man

“jisooooo. jun got a movie and I didn’t??” “…what would a movie about you even be about? you don’t do anything but sleep” “it could have been about how much you love me!!”

to placate him joshua showed all the lil drawings of chibi!jeonghan joshua had done over the year and jeonghan wouldn’t stop smiling and hugging josh all day jfc

jk jk tho jeonghan is super supportive and whenever people ask him (or don’t. they usually don’t ask but whom the fuk cares jeonghan says) about joshua, jeonghan just guuuushes about the boy and all of his great art and shows them joshua’s v tentative instagram page of his art. there’s only a few pics of outlines and some small clips of films he puts together, but jeonghan will gas his boy up so bad you’d think joshua already had an oscar

on the side, joshua has a job at the campus coffee shop

and like,, idk if you understand just how much of an accumulator of revenue that boy’s face is??

joshua is pretty humble so whenever his friends tease him and say that most of the customers that come to the coffee shop are there for his face, he downright refuses

but i mean,,, it’s true,, the majority of customers come during joshua’s shifts

and if josh isn’t working, it’s like a funeral home

it gets so bad the school is like “do u wanna like work here forever bc we’re totally down with that”

josh is like “lol no”

but he’s really good at his job and not many ppl notice that!! some jealous dudes think the only reason ppl even buy coffee from the shop is bc josh is serving it and they’re deluding themselves into drinking it, but josh is actually an amazing barista

u kinda get creative with coffee when you’re living off of it to graduate ajsiodha

he’s also king of latte art don’t fight me on this

he was playing around in the back one day on his break when he got an idea to make some art in a latte, bc he was at a creative loss with his art on paper, and he just made this v simple couple of hearts here and there, and then suddenly he was making all kinds of designs that ppl loved

his favorite is a little cat design that is so friggin cute ok. everyone loves it

everyone except you,,, who had no idea this was even a thing

between classes on certain days, you have about two hours of free time to yourself, so you like to escape to your favorite coffee place to study and relax

you usually didn’t like to go during this certain time in the day bc the shop was always bustling with customers and you really rather preferred to be in a smaller crowd. so basically, you’ve never seen joshua

you haven’t even heard of him bc you’ve always been pretty in your head when it comes to your studying time

u basically zone out the minute you can smell the coffee beans

but a friend of yours held you up in your last class, so your two hour break diminished to fifteen minutes, and you still hadn’t had your coffee

you practically bolt toward the coffee shop, but your eyes bug out of your head when you notice that for once, there’s a huge crowd of students there, something that never happens when you’re there

so like, groaning internally, you force yourself into line before anyone else can get in front of you and delay you even further

but like… the line is moving at snail’s pace

you can barely see up front, all you know is that someone is taking their sweet time making coffees

in fact, 70% of your time is swallowed up just waiting for the line to move up

you’re jittery, knowing class starts soon and you already don’t have that much time to book it to your next class at this rate, but you have to have your coffee

finally,,, you reach the front….. and….

“hi there! what can I get you this lovely afternoon?”

in the words of jeonghan again, whom the fuk-

“u-hhuhhhuuu hhh ????”

windows has shut down unexpectedly

this beautiful specimen of a man is smiling down at you without a worry in the world, blinking softly with the longest, prettiest eyelashes you’ve ever seen on a guy

his hair is short and well kept, roots dark and colored with highlights of chestnut throughout

he’s in the uniform but that’s really only black slacks and a half apron; he’s wearing a really nice baby blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and his collarbones are just slightly exposed with only two buttons undone at the collar- !!

“do you need a minute?” he asks, looking concerned at your vacant expression

that seems to snap you out of it (or maybe the frustrated swears from behind you do), and you sheepishly apologize, spitting out the first thing that comes to mind, which is definitely not your usual order, “small latte, please”

his eyes light up when you answer, “would you like the art too?”

you furrow your brows and he stares at you for a good moment before he realizes,, wow u really don’t know about his latte art? that’s literally all ppl come here during his shift for

but he does notice he’s never actually seen you during his shifts before

hmm. interesting

“i… i do latte art. it’s kind of… sort of a thing? i don’t know, um, would you like me to make you something in particular?” he says, suddenly a little flustered

you know. you know deep in your heart that you have zero time to spare and that you really shouldn’t be late for this class… but also,,, why the heck not

“surprise me!” you say softly, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding

joshua perks up and he nods (probably harder than he should have) and quickly puts in your order for your latte

you quickly scoot to the side and another boy takes over in his place as he turns to make your coffee, and you can’t help but watch his calm, gentle hands as he prepares it

there’s no rush in him, no sloppiness detected, and you can tell he takes pride in his craft

he pours the steamed milk with no difficulty, pouring it with such smooth precision that it hypnotizes you, even as he’s half turned from you and you can barely see what he makes

it’s only when he’s done and handing over your coffee with a smile that you realize,, you’re holding a mug

you forgot to ask for a to-go cup!

but like,,, if you put it in a to-go cup now, it’ll ruin his art

yet, you’re so late for class already……..

he looks at you with even more concern when he just catches you staring at the small tulip etched into the surface of the coffee, and he’s about to ask if you’re alright when you suddenly smile at him and say “you’re beautiful”

in ur mind, you’ve just told him the art he made in your coffee was beautiful

it takes u like,, eight seconds to register that is not what you said AT ALL

but by the time you realize your mistake and wordlessly try to motion to the cup he’s already laughing gently behind his hand, eyes locked on yours, and when he’s done he says “i’m sorry, i’m not making fun of you… you’re just… very sweet. i hope you enjoy the coffee”

part of u still wants to correct yourself, maybe save some of your pride, but instead, you simply sigh and accept his compliment that low (high) key makes your heart beat a little faster, and you quickly whisper a “thanks again!!” before skedaddling

and josh just watches with a soft smile, and can’t seem to get the strange new customer out of his head even after his shift

he doesn’t even mention that you’ve stolen the mug when his co-worker asks about it in bewildered confusion

“just say I broke it” he tells him, and goes back to work like nothing happened

the next day, you come in much earlier and find that the shop is void of a crowd, much to your relief and quieter dismay

holding in your hands the mug that you had washed and stared at in disbelieving horror the whole night in your dorm, you walk up to the counter and hold out the mug to the cashier, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion when you start to ashamedly explain exactly how you had snuck out one of the mugs

but before you can even get anything out, josh suddenly appears from the back, tying his apron just as he spots you and he goes “oh!! hey, mug stealer”

your face flashes in mortification

“i swear it was an accident-” “don’t worry, no hard feelings. I already covered for you so I mean, it’s practically yours anyway. you didn’t have to bring it back”

but you still hold it out, sighing “it made me feel bad, ok? i can’t look at this shame cup anymore”

joshua snorts bc

shame cup

ur too fucking cute for him

“ok, well, let’s make it not so shameful” he says, carefully taking the mug from you and going over to the coffee machine “latte, right? same as usual?” he throw over his shoulder

the girl at the cashier actually knows you, has served you for the last few years, so she shakes her head and tells him that’s not your usual, which makes him a little surprised and he apologizes, saying that he’s since switched around shifts with someone else so he’s still adjusting, so he’s about to ask you what you usually get when you blurt “latte’s fine!”

and ok, yeh, you’re not getting a latte for him of course

obviously

he just smiles that beautiful smile and gets to work, and the cashier gives you a small, very indiscreet wink much to your chagrin

you shuffle to the side and watch joshua work again, smiling as he gets ready to pour the milk, when he asks what kind of art you’d like

“can I have… wait, what are you good at?” “hm, well, my favorite is a kitty” “kitty it is!”

he quietly makes your kitty, lip tucked between his teeth and you can tell he’s working hard

he sets the cup before you (this time in a foam cup, just in case you have to run and didn’t remember to tell him again), and watches with pride as you beam at the art, your eyes shining

before you even think about it, you’re whipping out your phone and snapping a photo of it for instagram, before you realize you don’t simply want to credit “random handsome campus barista” for something as beautiful as that

“what’s your name?” you ask, and joshua tells you, and you quickly type down his name in the caption before tapping the photo to add a tag “do you have a instagram?”

and though he rarely ever uses it unless jeonghan prompts him to, joshua spells out his username for you and you tag him successfully, posting the photo just as joshua’s back pocket vibrates with a notification

“thank you so much, joshua. you’re really good at this you know”

and josh hears it from everyone a lot. all of his customers and co-workers compliment him often so it’s not like he’s unaware of his talent

but there’s just something about the fact that you complimented him that makes him blush, but he just bows a little at you and thanks you softly as you depart to find a table to start studying

of which,,, u do not do lol

even tho it’s barely 10 posts, you spend quite a while looking through joshua’s instagram

they’re mainly shots of his art, of which you soon find out that his major is animation and film development

the captions are v minimalist, but in the comments to his friends and others who’d found his insta, he’s cutely gushing with lots of exclamation marks and the like about how his work is coming along, having casual convos about the others and how their lives are going, and responding to compliments with v heartfelt thanks

because he doesn’t post much, you check the posts he’s tagged in and see a bunch of candid, secret pics of him from all kinds of funny angles, most from students and some parody ones from his friends

by the time you decide to check how much time you have left until your next class, you find you’ve got about a half hour to cram whatever you were going to study within two hours into half of one and get to your lecture on time

so as fast as your legs will allow, you quickly hit follow on his instagram and stuff everything you have back into your bag before sprinting out, missing joshua’s small goodbye and wave in your haste

he smiles anyway, and later when he gets off his shift, he checks his notifications and finds he has a new follower… you

he totally misses everything his professor says looking through your instagram for a good hour and a half

so it goes on like this for a while, you getting your coffee from josh now that half his adoring fans are usually in class when you go to see him, and the two of you casually chatting about this and that

he talks about his major, you talk about yours, and a pure friendship forms

with josh, you really feel like you can talk to him about anything and he understands

he speaks slow, soft, uses pretty words but they’re never overrated. he talks to you with the utmost respect and attention, 100% focused on you whenever you’re around. you’re honestly surprised no one has snatched him yet, what with how much of a catch he is

and like,, you know that anyone would kill to date him because not only is he talented and beautiful and a certified dorkozoid, he’s considerate, kind, feminine…. he almost feels untouched by this world and everything in it

maybe that’s why, you usually think. he’s a catch. anyone would be lucky to have him and you’re having regular chats over coffee and you can tell ppl are jealous

but he just feels too good for you. for anyone

you can’t think of one person on campus that would be good for him. not necessarily that there isn’t anyone… it’s just… who?

as months pass and winter gets colder, you find yourself feeling the effects of being single ten times more

so your friends are like!! are you still head over heels for that barista?? let’s set you up on a blind date to get your mind off it!!!

you’re only like 60% against it

because honestly, even though you’d do anything to work up the courage to date joshua, you wouldn’t mind getting a little dolled up for someone and having fun on a date

so your friends set you up with some guy who’d meet you at this italian place in the city on friday, and you anticipate the day, even telling josh about it when he has time to listen

“ahh… heh, a blind date? you must be super excited”

instantly you can tell something is off with the way josh talks, but he still keeps that pleasant smile, even tho it doesn’t quite reach his eyes

for the next few days leading up until friday, josh feels a little more reserved to you, not as open as usual and somehow always a little out of it when he talks to you

even when you ask, he just smiles (and it is nothing like his real smile) and tells you he’s fine

so come friday, you’re all dressed up and you happen to walk past the campus coffee shop and see joshua going in for a late shift, so you wave to him on your way and

fuck

he can’t even manage to say anything, completely speechless as he sees how absolutely stunning you look

and how he wishes you’d turn into the shop, grab his hand and tell him you were excited for your date

but instead, you’re meeting someone else, and all he can hope is that they care about you half as much as he does. even half was a feat

he suddenly catches up to you before going in, grabbing your hand, and you blink up at him in confusion when he says “be careful. text me when you get there please? so i know you got there okay. and… and text me, or one of your friends on your way home, please. you don’t know who this guy is or what he might do. just… have fun. be careful.”

you look at josh, his eyes showing such worry and concern for your well being that you pull him into a quick hug, smiling into his chest as he lets out a sigh, “of course. i’ll be good. plus, i have a pocket knife and a full can of pepper spray just in case he tries to get one over on me”

he chuckles, feeling a lot more relaxed as he hugs you back, “let’s trust you come back with that can still full and that knife still clean, alright?”

eventually, he has to send you off, and you head to your date

you arrive by 6:55, having been told that he’d be there by 7, and so you anxiously look around, knowing you were supposed to be on the lookout for a guy in a navy blazer

but… all the guys in navy blazers are there with someone already

by the time it’s 7:30, the waiter has come by twice, asking if the other member of your party is coming

and by 8, you’re sure he’s not

so you begrudgingly order dinner, eat it in angered silence, and don’t even bother to text your friends he didn’t show. you get your leftovers boxed and order one slice of strawberry cheesecake and leave, your eyes stinging and your heart hurting, but you get back to the school just fine

and at first, you were going to just head back to your dorm.

but you walk past the coffee shop, and you look through the windows to see it’s still open and josh is still inside, cleaning up and shutting down for the night

before you can think, you’re rushing inside, glad he hadn’t locked the doors, and as soon as josh looks up in surprise to see you, he’s shuffling out from behind the counter and scolding you with “you never told me if you arrived or not. why are you back so early? you look sad, (y/n). what happened? what did that bastard do-” “I have cheesecake. you want some? take it or leave it”

you look hurt, but you keep up the stony expression and he just quietly nods, following you to a booth in the very back

he says nothing as you take out the cheesecake, says nothing as you go into the back and grab two forks and hand him one, says nothing as you take the first piece and sigh, over-exaggeratedly praising the dessert

he says nothing because he knows better. instead, he just listens as you begin to babble about the day, about how excited you were for today all week, how your friends had gassed up your blind date so much and how you had spent two hours eating by yourself, too embarrassed to cry or even tell your friends

he watches as you quietly struggle to pick up a strawberry, the sauce drenched fruit slipping off your fork as your hand trembles with words unsaid

so, he slides out of the booth and into yours, slips an arm around your shoulders, and makes you put it down

“it’s okay. i’m here” he says softly into your ear, and you let it all out into his shoulder

all of your tears and makeup stain his shirt but he couldn’t care less, his only priority in holding you close and comforting you

he wants to beat up your blind date, make them feel terrible for ever passing up an opportunity to spend a night with you because gdi, you were amazing and lovely and he wished he was in that bastard’s shoes

you guys stay like that for a while, you simply relishing in his comfort and joshua wishing he could help you feel better, yet not knowing how

but then he gets an idea

“do you want me to show you how to make latte art? you mentioned you were interested once”

at first, you’re kind of like??? now of all times?? but you also can’t help wanting to get your mind off things, so he helps you slip out of the booth and leads you to the back in the kitchen

there you see his sketchbook and laptop up, seeing he had been working on something before he’d gone to clean up

he goes to get some coffee together while you look over his work, smiling when you see he’s intricately drawing a character at a booth in what looked like a coffee shop, but as you look at it longer, something starts to click

“josh?” you ask, and he hums, filling up a cup with some coffee “Is… is this me?”

he glances back at you and his eyes widen some when he sees what you’re looking at, but he turns back around to play it off before you can say anything “ah, yeah. i needed to warm up so… i thought of you and drew”

“this looks way too detailed for a warm up” you say with a smile, tracing your fingers over the drawing, half of it colored in, the other half still white parchment paper and blending in to the colors where they end

josh snorts, making his way over to you and closing the notebook, “look at you. you know me too well, it seems”

you simply nudge him and he places the coffee cup before you before handing you a metal cup of steamed milk, “so, we’re going to start out with making a simple heart. it’s really important how you guide your hand. i don’t expect it to be perfect, so just try, freely”

he hands you the cup and you nod, turning the spout toward the cup and trying to carefully pour in the shape of a heart, but it becomes a deformed swirl too soon

josh still smiles, telling you to attempt to fix your mistake, but you continue to find it hard, somehow making the swirl more prominent

“josh, please help me” you whine with a small smile, and he nods with a laugh, reaching his arms around you

and,,, you’re caged against the counter, his hand coming to rest above your own where you hold the milk, and his head leans down to whisper into your ear how you should pour, murmuring “it takes a bit of practice, but once you get it, it’s satisfying”

you can’t even focus on the damn coffee bc he’s so close sasjhnasi

he keeps whispering in your ear, helping you try to fix your mistake, and then he grabs a toothpick and starts to trace the swirl into something of a shape, looking a lot better than before

“see?” he whispers by your ear, smiling even as your heart beats so hard you bet he can hear it against your back “not so bad”

you turn your head slightly, only able to move so much with his arm around you and body behind you, keeping you practically pushed up against the counter

he just looks at you for a moment when he sees the look in your eyes, mouth going a little dry

it must be the moment, or maybe the mix of emotions you’d released earlier, because you can’t find the nervousness from before anywhere near when you knead your fingers into his shirt and pull him in to kiss

his lips taste like coffee and stolen sweets, and he moves his body only to turn you around for better access to your mouth, his large hands closing around your hips and squeezing

he’s careful but he is not shy. he kisses you like he’s been wanting to all night, and if you asked him, he’d tell you he had

you get so caught up in his heady kiss that even when he lifts you onto the counter and pulls himself between your legs, you don’t stop to laugh or marvel at his strength you didn’t know he had. you just thank god that he’s closer

after a few moments, he ends up pulling away, your lips chasing his with a frustrated whine that has him nearly buckling under his weight “my boss will kill me if we make out in the kitchen”

“then let’s take it somewhere else, dummy”

joshua has never locked up the coffee shop faster

after that day, he finally asks you out, and of course, you say yes

your friends apologize to you, feeling absolutely terrible for what happened with the blind date, but you honestly couldn’t care less bc if you hadn’t been stood up, you may have never gotten the chance to kiss joshua

everyone, and i mean everyone can tell there’s something different about josh come monday

he’s so much more peppy, so much more friendly, he’s practically beaming like a ray of sunshine,, like more than usual

and it’s so obvious why when you come in, stealing a kiss from him when he gets your coffee to you before you leave

josh’s co-workers are like??? is this allowed?? wtf is this allowed????

joshua’s boss doesn’t care cause it’s FRICKIN CUTE

a majority of joshua’s suitors back off when they find out he’s taken, but of course they continue to come bc josh is amazing at making coffee and no one is petty enough to stop coming just bc he’s taken lol

if joshua was an amazing friend, he’s an even better boyfriend ok

turns out that one drawing of you in the coffee shop was not the only one

he draws you often, and his favorite you to draw is a cute lil chibi version which he swears is so cute bc like,,, u small

boy literally giggles whenever he thinks about it

you: it’s really not that funny josh-

joshua: YOU’RE SO SMALL

actually made a chibi ver of himself and animated your chibi selves to kiss

he sent you the video and you look at it before you go to sleep every night bc it’s so cute

is always hyped for animated films and you can never get him as excited for live action films

he goes absolutely nuts for disney and stuff but he’s also a fine tuned indie animated film connoisseur of course

sometimes he’ll be like “so i watched this film last night called blah blah blah and it was about blah blah blah and…” and you don’t know wth he’s talking bout sometimes but you just listen to him babble bc u love him

scolds u if you haven’t seen a particular movie/anime/cartoon and then proceeds to force you to watch it

but you actually end up liking them?? and some of them become your comfort movies just because they remind you of josh

will send you animated couples and be like “this is us”

even if you two have nothing in common with the characters? it could just be a cute scene and he’ll link it back to you two

jeonghan LOVES you…. and also will fight you for joshua’s attention but he still loves you

he prides himself on being “joshua’s best friend” but then you meet vernon and vernon is like “he was my best friend first” so you go from a love triangle to a love square

if you added in all of joshua’s admirers it’d be like a love…. enneacontakaipentagon

(that is a thing)

since it’s a lot to go back to america to meet josh’s family, you instead meet vernon’s family in place of them, who despite only knowing josh for a year feel like he’s their second son

they gush about how much they love him and his influence on vernon and vernon’s lil sister and it’s just,,, so precious

but you can tell he gets homesick sometimes, and when family holidays come, he gets particularly sad

vernon’s family works hard to make it easier on him so they set up a skype date with his family every holiday and you watch josh as he talks about how his graduation is coming up, how he can’t wait to visit them, how he misses his mom’s home cooking and how nice life is in seoul

he introduces you to them over skype as well and they’re so kind and lovely!! they absolutely spoil you with love and attention and only have lovely things to say about you

then one day, you get a call from vernon’s mother

she tells you that secretly, they’ve been setting up for joshua’s parents to come visit, and they want you to keep it secret, as well as keep joshua out of the house the day they arrive so he doesn’t catch on

which,, proves harder than you expect

even on spring break your lovely boyfriend only wants to stay in and catch up on shows with you so you have to literally drag him out of the house to hang with jeonghan and vernon at the mall

while you’re all out, joshua just happens to see a shirt while you’re all shopping

it’s a tank top with the word “california” written across it

and usually, josh would just ignore little things like that, but as he stands there, he starts thinking of home and his family who he misses like crazy

it’s not like him, but a few tears slip past his eyes before he wipes them away, attempting to hide it before one of you saw

you did, but you don’t say anything, instead hooking an arm with him and leading him elsewhere, practically bursting with the need to tell joshua what was awaiting him at home

you manage to keep it secret though, even as you smile wider than ever on your back to vernon’s house

of course,,, josh is highly concerned

“why are you smiling so much? what are you hiding?” “dang boy, can’t a girl just smile a lil bit” “not like that. your smile is too big. it’s creeping me out”

if you weren’t driving you might’ve socked him in the arm

you carefully pull up to the house and joshua’s eyebrows furrows when he notices vernon’s parents’ car is parked somewhere different than it was when you all left

“v, did your parents go somewhere?” he asks, but vernon simply shrugs and follows a grinning jeonghan out of the car, leaving just you and him alone

he stares at you for a bit, the smile still on your face, and then looks back at the house, the wheels turning behind his eyes

“what are you waiting for? i don’t know about you, but I wanna meet the hongs sometime this week, thank you”

his eyes widen a little bit and you’re laughing as he tumbles out of the car, rushing toward the front door as you trail behind, hearing a chorus of elated screams before you enter the house

when you do, you see josh all wrapped up in between his parents, all three of them crying into each other as jeonghan, vernon, and vernon’s family watch with smiles just like yours

for the rest of the day, you spend it with josh and his family, catching up on all that they’ve missed along with getting to know the hongs personally

they’re just as sweet in person as they are over skype, and they absolutely love poking fun at josh to you whenever they get the chance

the sound of josh’s embarrassed “mooooooom” in the background as she tells you about josh’s anime phase and how she’d seen an episode of one of those shows and had to have a talk with him afterward

you: what were you watching, josh?

josh:… i have since refined my taste

by the time the night ends, you’ve got enough embarrassment fodder to last you months

“please don’t take anything my parents said seriously okay. they live to make my life terrible” he tells you over the phone that night, after vernon’s family told you it was getting far too late and you should be heading home

highest of keys, josh was hoping you’d stay so late that they’d let you sleep over but knowing he had two (2) sets of parents in the house now, they’d probably make vernon sleep between you two and that’s the closest you’d get throughout the night

“i don’t know about that. those baby stories were comedy gold” you grin into the phone, laying on your back and smiling up at the ceiling

he scoffs, “just wait till i meet your parents. they’ll tell me all the crazy stories and i’ll have so much blackmail i won’t even know what to do with” “isn’t it funny how i met your parents, who live in california, before you met mine who live here?”

he smiles into the phone, “’s okay. makes us a unique couple. i was starting to think we were far too daydreamy. almost feels like a movie.”

“i’m surprised you haven’t turned it into one, actually” you say, playing with your shirt hem as sleepiness starts to creep up on you and you let out a yawn

“i promise one day i’ll make a movie about us. now go to sleep, i’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

you yawn again but oblige, and you say your goodbyes before hanging up and laying down to fall asleep, a content smile on your face

but then your phone vibrates under your pillow not twenty minutes later

confused, you pull it out, and find a video message from joshua

carefully, you open it, unsure of what you’ll expect, but find a seemingly quickly drawn stop motion video of chibi!you and chibi!josh kissing each other’s cheeks

you smile tiredly, shaking your head at the boy, but as the video comes to an end, a speech bubble appears above chibi!josh’s head, his eyes turning into hearts as he speaks to chibi!you “i’ve been debating on when to say this for a while, but i’m proud to be the first of us to say it: i love you”

the video ends, and you giddily dial josh’s number once more, the boy picking up just as quickly as you had called

“yes?” he says softly, voice tinged with slight worry

but you just chuckle, “jerk. i wanted to say it first. now let me go to sleep… i love you too”

#svtnetwork #majwrites #joshua hong scenarios #joshua hong imagine #joshua hong au #hong jisoo scenarios #hong jisoo imagine #hong jisoo au #joshua hong #hong jisoo #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen au #college boyfriend joshua #college boyfriend jisoo #college boyfriend seventeen #i know i said i was taking a break but!!! i was inspired and this was already like 2/5 done

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angstcollection · 4 years

Text

After some time, I’ve wondered why I become a mess once I have sought relationships filled with promises of love, understanding, and reasonable communication.

It turned into everything I wanted had to be and I disregarded what was happening in front of me, to the not caring enough and then turns out I came off like I didn’t care, to the giant turmoil of figuring out the toxic signs with a big hang up bent out on regrets.

As a strong believer of just knowing when to step aside or step up, is a big thing in the decision making world of your own.

My wonderful world, with love and intimacy in mind, is a ruler of my logical disputes within myself of how one goes about being outside of themselves. Other than their own desires how do they use it to what influences. Which option are they more likely to take based on recent events aside from their environmental development as a child, it’s a pattern or puzzle that I’ve obsessed myself with for years.

So with this one individual, I am afraid to let go with him because I don’t what high hopes brewing in my mind. There is an intensity that keeps me bogged down and then words confirm the terror within me.

My experiences are dull in the field of who I can recollect opening up to. I can be very cynical of other’s intentions. From the antics to the breaths they take, I indulge in the beauty of humanity.

I have registered love as a form of violence without passion and sex is my release of these deep seeded thoughts of if I’m even alive. It’s not a painful situation. It’s an epiphany of my fight to use this knowledge to guide, alert, and rebel against the forces to compromise on national standards.

This one knows.

This friend.

This situation.

This weird feeling whenever I feel them in my life.

I hate being accused by them in every part of my being. Especially in my view on them because I am terrified of being intimate with him due to my constant feel he wouldn’t ever care or love me more than I can love myself.

I’ve become vulnerable after being so afraid to be vulnerable for years and lift the chins of the warriors before me. I gobble up my moments of weaknesses and find my way of contributing, yet it depends on what field I am that will amount to success.

So what is this impression?

I guess I realize that he wants me to know he will not ever love me nor will love ever be on the table.

It’s tough to love a comrade that lies through their teeth in an attempt to conform. A reflection of what I use to crave at a young age, never seeking a husband but someone to kiss and have fun doing activities with. I don’t understand.

I didn’t care for the thought of companionship after I lost my virginity to be honest. Not one truth was heard beyond my desires and mindset of getting my money with my efforts, trades, charisma. I just needed good company and good dick to make for a decent love life and almost considered becoming asexual thanks to my solitude growing up.

Where I fucked up is that the experience that I got consumed is had a limit that I forgot to abide by.

So these impressions of me are interesting on the other side of the spectrum.

Drunk messages from a man who has ‘always’ been my friend for over 5 years, making these confessions that I overlooked because I chose not to believe him.

I chose to play the situation as I thought it was taken; just another sex game of enticement when shit was hitting the fan.

Everything becomes a blur when I’m around them, as if there is a flow where they see a new side of me from my perspective and yet, he doesn’t notice the antics I feel from an octave, alignment, vocabulary all the reveal a worthy excerpt of a desire.

What am I getting out of this?

Even when I am asked why I love them, the answer is diluted.

I love them because from the moment I’ve met them, they have been lively. Intoxication or not became less of a factor as long as outside world means were met. They worked, I worked, no IOUs, no heartbreak stories.

A movie, good conversations, and good intent.

Once I kept getting invited out, it felt weird to be treated nicely by a well-mannered, intelligent, and yet an alcoholic that has his eye on me for cuddles, laughs, and sex.

Another moment that caught me off guard was a kiss in front of a friend of his. I didn’t do that with fuck buddies nor fwb. Did he know that? I guess not.

Another moment turns into several of them of me being a shy mess with him, yet when other people would engage in conversation with me, it felt even more awkward.

These thoughts make this feel emotional from a different angle of how transparent I am of keeping my sex life in the down low.

I enjoy flirting and teasing; I’m not about it unless it’s a girls night and I get to hear their sex life too. So what is this impression that I am helplessly in love?

After I was ghosted, the friend became my boyfriend after several months of feeling nothing but a shell running on empty. I felt like I had done something wrong. As if what I asked or said or did at any level was the problem without a word from the only other one who could clear the air.

A little less than a year later...

I’m in a relationship where my concern became making money and starting my own business, I just didn’t know exactly what my niche was. Unfortunately I moved in with said friend/bf 3 months after dating and ended being foolish enough to let him move in thinking, this is my life & I didn’t expect to ever see him again.

Soon the confusion began. All I care to recap in this is that for 2 years, I have never felt so much in my entire life. My only focus was being a good friend while my said bf just wanted his advantages of just picking and choosing the strength of any situation for his ego. I was on a crazy verge of regretting the moment I let myself get talked into dating someone being nice to me.

I actually thought it might’ve been what I needed to move on since, again, my mind was set.

**the memory of them getting mad at me for finishing my anime episode rather than having sex once they finished their online gameplay. Even tho I then came back with giving them a blowjob after, I got shunned.**Oct 2014**

Back to the new highlight of now them coming over to my home to pick up almost weekly, started a relationship in front of me, attempted to stay with her for the same amount of time, they fought mainly over his drinking or antics, whatever is whatever because they can surely grow out of it.

I had my shit to focus on.

Then it all got confusing again when he would drink and would love to get my mouth shut every chance he could. It was an interesting reaction to my existence.

Even when I couldn’t stand him and I found every way to stay away from him. Eventually I would be warmed up to loosen up, not taking everything seriously. To me that meant not taking the person’s intentions towards me seriously after a milestone has been placed for me to see. From the moments he spent the nights where I stayed to filling his own void, there was a strong pressure in the air over him that everyone seemed to notice.

I convinced myself it wasn’t real.

It didn’t matter what he said to me back then.

I wouldn’t ever believe even if I were to ask everyone else to give me an idea. I didn’t believe either side of a story that was worse than hearing about a school shooting. That’s the intensity of how distracted I felt when his name would ring in my ear.

This voice and laughter was intoxicating.

Just the energy alone was alright even if I wasn’t right there, I didn’t like it but given the circumstances, I refuse to forfeit my love of indoor living until I feel like exploring. Something always pulled into the room with him, being spoken to or not being spoken to, to simple requests when they asked for a massage out of the blue.

He trusted me at some point of this entire encounter.

Did he think I trusted him?

Did I give that impression?

Did I trust him? Not once.

Even once his words came to me in waves of a sense of possibilities based on the time span of knowing them, I raised judgement to a personality crisis. Is he interested in something more with me?

What is he expecting of me when he confined in me the scars of his labors?

I bear as a witness of multiple confessions, unless my sense of self was occupied with friends that meant the world to me after I invested in my bank account and way of living. No nonsense, just results and discipline to just get the shit down. Don’t make an excuse for why you’re slacking off.

Roll up your sleeves and do what you know you can.

~In my top 5 favorite Ghibli films, ‘As The Wind Rises’ really stuck out to me when it came to having a passion in a niche that seems out of reach. It’s possible, just from different angles. ~

Instead, I let a barrier slip away once he advanced me with talking rather than flirty complicated physical advances. I didn’t want him. I didn’t pay attention to anything other than sleep, food, work, and again, good company. I don’t remember how long it was before I gave in to an opportunity to hang out alone, I guess.

The second time it was will power of commitment and blood boiling situations.

The third time was a moment of weakness to act like I learned a lesson. My attempts to be in a relationship while balancing this connection between he and I. I’m not sure if I thought of him as a friend to me.

It’s always felt like he saw me as something else.

I don’t know what it is. I try not to guess or assume because it’s none of my damn business.

I do know that each time my mind is clear, kissing him when it’s us feels like a relief.

We aren’t who we were then.

I’m not who I was back then.

I just remember being able to feel an intensity without an overly attached obligation to find fault.

I remember him saying I would die if he and I ever dated, curious it was made clear between us both.

Does he know I am afraid to love him intimately?

Does he not realize that the things I love about myself are shown in a different way?

The way I express myself is more than just a dramatic banter into the bottle or more arms to hold, I’m looking to escape my body.

I even kept thinking it must be the sex. So I glorified and made it evident that’s all it is and all it will ever be. That’s how it should be.

I planted this view on every soul that bothered to make haste in my line of vision. Questioned motives and observed the reactions to being able to speak my mind.

Moving on is the suggestion, yet something pulling me in that made me think for years of what I did wrong for him to ghost me.

I recall asking what our connection was outside of having sex since if I talked to someone else, I would end it then and there. If there was nothing going on then I would call it a day.

Next thing I know, I’m in the cataclysm of guys stemming from my encounter with him to someone thinking we were dating after I thought I made it clear I wasn’t interested. He knew when it came to my love life, I shut myself down after him.

To avoid the thought, I kept focusing in on work, enjoying life and keeping my head above water as much as I could. More guys came to take a shot and I am to blame for anticipation to possibly get a chance to talk to him. What would I say?

I kept getting this feeling of distraught after one person did nothing but talk bad about him. Back to back..kind words were out of the picture when it came to him. At that point, I became quiet and distant with anything dealing with thoughts of the fling back in July 2014 to Oct 2014. Losing work shortly after didn’t help since it was temporary.

‘I’m so happy for you and XXXX relationship, Kristin’ with honey gold eyes that came out on a rare case.

It has to be a delusion made from knowing that at any moment, someone could trip me up worse than I have ever been and I will not ever be convinced, so I won’t try it out.

Now, I am here thinking about the night I didn’t understand the weight of how much I messed up with being a complete asshole. Not wanting to hurt him yet also not wanting to be hurt by him.

I didn’t want to sacrifice myself to him. I don’t see him as an enemy.

I see him as someone that I know I must care about from a distance until I know he means anything.

I don’t question his knowledge as much as I do his tactics at times, then again, I know nothing other than he gets shit done. Period.

So what is this impression?

Does he know me?

Showing subtle signs or certain words he says makes me ponder for a few times before I confront the matter or not.

Even agreeing that my impulses will certainly be my demise if I keep it up. I am not afraid to admit if I have a thing for someone and it’s not that serious.

Then again, if he is looking for something of a committed relationship, why is a friendship on the table with little to nothing in common but two bad tempered shit talkers, anime loving, and possibly polar opposite individuals?

Even worse that I get pure butterflies with him where I small talk or attempt to stay clear of intimacy.

Then I give off the thought and I’m like fuck, am I trying to avoid it or expecting for that to be a thing?

I mean..I do feel touchy with those that I am true fwb (usually one person tbh) and then the whole predicament gets more complicated.

In my head.

With this flow.

I shouldn’t be thinking about it nor overthinking it.

I just wanted to figure out the best way to relieve my heavy heart filled with the unfortunate notion that I have met my first checkmate in a situationship.

{Picture Relation: He mentioned the Anime Bersek to me and ever since, I’m drawn to re-educating myself in the compassion of how this resonates with my always have been friend)

#me #lifestyle #situationship confessions #Pisces man Gemini female

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